#but now anything medical that involves anything being DONE (so not just a visit to talk about something) is fucking terrifying

[running-in-the-dark]

I've gotta go to the dentist again tomorrow. I got two fillings done on Thursday but they feel really rough and it's hurting my tongue (plus my brain doesn't stop noticing something like that so I'm constantly aware of it and it's exhausting), so I've got to get that fixed.

this time I have to drive myself, so I can't take any Lorazepam. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a quick visit anyway, at least this kind of thing has never taken long in the past, so. it should be fine, I know that. but I feel so shitty anyway. it's like the anxiety/fear is there right below the surface but it can't quite come out (probably thanks to the anxiety meds) so I just feel off all day. it sucks (though I much prefer this over the actual anxiety, that completely ruined the days leading up to anything like this).

#plus I've been extremely tired all day so that doesn't help #I should go to bed but I don't want to #then I'll wake up and it'll be tomorrow and I'll have to go there and it'll be scary and I don't want to :( #it's so weird that going to the dentist used to be one of the things that DIDN'T scare me. or at least not any more than just regular #everyday stuff #but now anything medical that involves anything being DONE (so not just a visit to talk about something) is fucking terrifying #i just don't want to struggle anymore. I want to get up every day/most days and just feel alright and for everything to be neutral #everything feels so difficult and like I can't do it and what's the point anyway. if I can't do this at 31 then it's never gonna get better #right? how could it #ugggh #I'm so fucking scared of being done with uni. if I get a job I don't know how I'll cope. I already can't handle life and I don't do #ANYTHING right now 😭 #I just wish my brain would shut up #for a little while at least #personal

[rainydaydream-gal18]

(The Bad Batch) Tech x Reader: Checkup

(Author's Note: HAPPY TECH TUESDAY! It feels awesome to celebrate another Tech Tuesday with Season 2 actively being released!!! I've missed ya, Bad Batchers.

I always get asmr vibes when I visit the eye doctor, sooooo yeahhh this is kind of based on that. Sitting here wishing Tech was my eye doctor now lol).

Word Count: 989

You swiveled around to peer over your shoulder from the cockpit of the ship.  Echo occupied the pilot’s chair beside you, leaning back casually while you fidgeted in your own seat.

The sight of stars and planets zooming by in beautiful streaks of light while the Havoc Marauder flew in hyperspace would normally be a peaceful thing to observe, but currently, you were a little preoccupied.  It was checkup day, which you both dreaded and waited for in anticipation.

In between making repairs and researching, Tech found time periodically to evaluate the squad’s health.  It wasn’t unheard of for some members of the team to play hero and dismiss injuries from time to time.  Checkups were Tech’s way of making sure that everyone was receiving the treatment that they needed- no ifs ands or buts.

Echo had finished his turn a little while ago and seemed completely at ease in his seat, though one glance in your direction made him realize that you were not.

“It’ll be over before you know it,” he offered, mistaking your jitters for discomfort at the checkup itself.  He was trying to reassure you, but you could see the confusion in his brown eyes.  After all, you’d been through many evaluations before with no issue, and it wasn’t like it involved needles or anything that should be a cause for worry.

“Yeah, I know,” you replied.  “I’ve just got some stuff on my mind.”  You smiled in hopes that he would realize you were fine and drop the subject.

“Anything you want to talk about?”  Dear, dear Echo.  So considerate.

“Not really, but thank you.”

He eyed you for a moment longer, pausing long enough for you to say something if you did change your mind, but when you said nothing more, he simply nodded and turned his attention back to the dash.

It wasn’t the checkup that made you nervous.

It was the medic who would be administering it.

Heavy footsteps on the ship’s grated floor nearly made you tremble.  Your heart picked up speed at the sight of Wrecker poking his head up front to let you know his eval was done.

“Tech’s ready for ya.”  He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder in the direction where Tech was set up.

“Okay.  Thanks, Wrecker.”

You decided it was best to just get it over with.  Sucking in a breath, you rose from your chair and marched down the hall of the Marauder.  There Tech was with his medic equipment out, tapping away at a datapad.  Your heartbeat kicked it into high gear as his beautiful brown eyes met your gaze at the sound of your approach.

“Ah, ________.  Have a seat.”

You sat down on top of the crate and observed him.  The low light of the hallway highlighted his chiseled features.

“It’ll just be the usual,” Tech rattled off, typing another bit of information into his datapad before setting it down.  “I’ll check your pulse, temperature, and vision on top of confirming that you have no significant injuries.”

You exhaled quietly.  “Okay.”

“Have you experienced any pain as of late?  Anything unusual?”  He stepped forward, entering your space.  You knew it was coming, but you felt no more prepared to have him so close.

You wanted to shake the thought away.  He was your teammate doing a professional favor by evaluating your state of health.  It felt wrong to enjoy the brief contact.

“No, nothing like that,” you replied, clearing your throat.

“Good.  Glad to hear it.”  His eyes did a quick scan over your form in a silent check.  He reached for your hand, and despite his professional demeanor, his hold on your wrist was gentle, careful- like he was holding glass.  With his other hand, he began to take your pulse, eyes flickering to the side.  You released another shaky breath, hating how absolutely loud it sounded to you in the quiet.

“Hm.” He made the sound as if he noted something internally, but he didn’t voice it aloud.  Instead, he let go of your hand and grabbed the temp scanner off his tray and aimed it at your forehead.  He glanced at the screen.  “Temperature is normal.”

“Oh, good.”  You never knew what to say during these things.  A shudder ran down your spine as he picked up a small flashlight and switched it on.

“Look straight ahead, please,” he instructed, and you did so.  Goosebumps bloomed along your skin as the light shone in front of your eyes to check them.  “Now, look left.  Right.”  it was very difficult not to meet his gaze so close to yours, but you managed.  “Now, look up.”  You did so, but he made a tiny dissatisfied sound under his breath.  Tech leaned closer, reaching a hand up to gently tilt your chin down so that you’d look up with only your eyes.

He paused again, his own hand lingering.  You were glad that he was done taking your pulse because your heart was racing.

Finally, Tech seemed to snap out of it, clearing his throat and pulling away while switching off the flashlight.  “Everything seems to be in order.”

“Great.  Thank you, Tech.  I appreciate it.”

“Hm.”

You watched his expression curiously.  “What?”

“You are the only one that says ‘thank you’ for these.”

You tilted your head.  “Really?”

“I suppose the others see me as poking and prodding unnecessarily.  Especially Wrecker.”

You laughed at your other teammate’s history of protests and attempts to delay his own treatment, though simultaneously you felt your heart soften for Tech.  “Well, you’re looking out for us, and it’s appreciated.”

He started packing up his equipment since you were the last of the checkups.  “Thank you.  Your appreciation is…appreciated.”  He looked over at you once more, offering a brief, kind smile.

You chuckled and gave a little wave, returning to the front of the Marauder.  When you sat down, you were mentally screaming at the adorable interaction.

#bad batch #the bad batch #bad batch tech #bad batch tech imagine #tech x reader #bad batch tech x reader #bad batch imagine #bad batch fanfiction #tech fanfiction #tech imagine #tech reader insert #bad batch reader insert #star wars bad batch reader insert #bad batch x reader #the bad batch x reader #reader insert

[teaveetamer]

Triangle Strategy is a bad example because Roland's ending does just brush the Roselle under the rug in its irresponsible rush to make the player feel good about what they'd done. Yeah you just damned an oppressed minority race forever but those two orphans are happy so it was worth it!

I have to hard disagree here. Yes, Roland's route does wind up not focusing on the Roselle specifically as much as Fredrica's or Benedict's, but you're also not supposed to feel good about it. Just because the game doesn't scream in your face for the duration of the ending that the Roselle are being horrifically oppressed doesn't mean that you, the player, are not aware of it or not thinking about it.

It goes back to show, not tell. The game has done such an excellent job of establishing the Roselle's situation throughout the game. From the very first chapter Fredrica is establishing her family's specific history, and if you go to Hyzante it's further foreshadowed with how seemingly copacetic yet unnerving it is there. It seems perfect, but it feels wrong, even if you don't know exactly why it feels wrong yet. Then you have everything that happens throughout the story. You literally see the salt mines and you literally see Roselle (adults, elderly, and even children) get murdered, beaten, refused water, worked until they pass out, refused medical treatment, used for experimentation, etc. as well as finding notes that label them as numbers and talk about beating them and refusing them rations if they don't meet quotas or if they fall ill.

Roland's ending mirrors your first visit to Hyzante, where everything seems perfectly copacetic, but turns it on its head because you now know exactly what it costs to ensure this society is maintained. Which again, the player knows involves enslaving, beating, starving, and killing children. The game doesn't need to tell you that the Roselle are still being horrifically oppressed and you should feel bad about it, because the game has already shown you that the Roselle are being horrifically oppressed so you should know that it's still true, even if they don't explicitly tell you or show you again. If you don't feel bad at the end of Roland's route then you weren't paying attention to the rest of the game.

Also, I know this might not have exactly connected for you if you played Roland's route but didn't stay behind in the capital with Roland instead of going back to Wolffort or the Roselle village on the same playthrough, but those are the same two kids from the Capital chapter of the game. Roland feels guilty because he feels like he can't do anything right as king, and then those children come along to basically say that they're doomed to a life of poverty and struggle as orphans and they blame him specifically as king. I don't think the focus on those children in his ending is meant to be about "everything is peachy now because kids are happy". It's about how Roland has, essentially, selfishly cleared his conscience. Those kids he has a personal connection to are taken care of, but their happiness is maintained with the blood of thousands of other children he'll never see.

#triangle strategy spoilers #I know I have a mutual who reads my blog and hasn't played yet so spoiler tagging TS discussion for now

[regular-lord-reckoner]

so, my dad had some doctors appointments yesterday so we can just kinda see where he’s at with all of this and what the next step is and i felt pretty confident based on everything we’d been seeing and everything i’d heard from my therapist as well as reading about this that the next step was going to be to order in home hospice care but apparently!!!

we’re doing physical therapy

i guess we’re...gonna see if he can get a little stronger, maybe then see if he can do some more infusions i guess and just go from there?

i dunno

i just feel confused and maybe this is just like...his denial about the whole thing powering him through this because i’m looking through the list of “what it looks like when someone with cancer is dying” and he’s checking several of the boxes but instead of preparing for that i guess we’re just going to push it to the absolute limit, i guess ??

and it sucks because i was just seeing on facebook someone from high school who’s also going through this with a parent and like...hers is at the point where her mom is having to have fluid drained off her lungs every week and she’s absolutely miserable and it’s just awful for everyone involved, especially her mom, but like....i get why she’s trying to power through it, because she’s still fairly young

my dad turns 77 this year

and we’ve asked him over and over again, “is there anything else you want to do before it’s time? any trips? visit with anyone? anything?” nope!!

he’s already done everything he’s wanted and lived a wonderful life

and by no means am i saying, “okay, great, so get the fuck out of here, then!!!” but like...he’s said over and over again he wants to keep his dignity intact and not have it be a miserable march to the end and i can’t help but feel like that’s what we’re signing up for here

i know my mom said emotionally she’s not ready for this to happen right now and i think he’s in denial as well, but like...guys, that’s not going to make it stop, i’m so genuinely sorry about it

and it sucks because it’s at the point where this 24/7 caretaking is taking its toll on my mom (and me, but to a much lesser extent) and it’s like...she goes back to work in a few weeks and i’m the one who’s having to pose the question, “are we at least going to consider getting home healthcare to come in to help him while you’re at work or am i supposed to do it?” and there’s no plan of action for that, but yeah, let’s have a dying man push his body physically and i guess that’ll magically fix everything? 

it won’t

i’m not saying it won’t be nice for him to at least be able to walk by himself (because he can’t right now) or that it wouldn’t be of any benefit for him to do a few arm curls with a 5 pound dumbbell but it just feels like denial is winning the war on reality and i’m the one person who sees it and it’s making this whole thing even more confusing and frustrating

maybe i’m wrong, maybe this will help and he’ll get strong enough to go back on his infusions and then he’ll go back to how he was before which was yeah, still stuck with this shit unfortunately, but like...more or less “normal” and able to like....walk from one side of the room to the other without immediately needing his oxygen and an inhaler and a breathing treatment, y’know?

i dunno.

i guess we’ll just see what happens and figure something out as far as getting him help, because regardless i just don’t feel comfortable being the only person here to watch him while she’s gone

i’m not a nurse and i have a physical disability; if he were to have some sort of medical emergency or fall down i don’t know what i would do and i think the closest medical facility that has an emergent department is at least 30 minutes away so like...i would really prefer having someone here who could help with that

literally the other day he asked me to hand him one of his medicines to take and like...i don’t know what the fuck this shit is or what it does or what can mix with what and fortunately my mom was there to be like, “hang on a second, you don’t need this right now; this is going to do such and such” and had to explain to him that it would cause him more problems than what it would have fixed so like...i almost wrecked his whole fucking day and he asked me to!!!! he didn’t know, but neither did i so like....please

we’re supposed to have a family friend and his wife that are going to move their camper onto our property so they’ll be close by if we need extra help, but they both have jobs as well and ones that take them outside the house and one of the friends has already offered to amend his work schedule and cut back his hours just to help us so there’s that, but still, neither of them have the medical know-how to help with this and one of them has serious health issues herself so she doesn’t need to be stressing herself out because she could literally die so like...yeah

it’s just a lot and i love my dad, i do, god fucking knows i am torn up about the possibility of losing him, but at the same time it’s like...we have something many people (and in my own history especially) don’t get which is the gift of time and awareness

we know that this is happening and we can prepare for it because we know

i didn’t have a chance with Ashley, but i get a chance to prepare for this one and accept it with as much peace and grace as possible while also doing everything in my power to help him go the way he wants to with his dignity and in as little pain as possible and yet it’s like....mmmm, no Anna, everything’s fine, we’re just going to continue on!!!

like okay, but....he’s never going to go back to the way he was before. even with treatments, even with physical therapy, i can see it. even if no one else can or wants to, i can see it. quite frankly, i can smell it, too. it’s not strong and i know the man showers, i’m not saying “ew, he stinks!” but like...death does indeed have a smell and when i get next to him or hug him i can smell it

maybe i’m wrong, maybe he’ll make a miraculous turnaround and kick stage four lung cancer/COPD/emphysema in the ass and live for another ten years!!!!

but i don’t think i am and i really, really need everyone else to get on board with me and accept that because the sooner they do, the easier this will be even if it’s still the hardest thing in the fucking world

i’m sure at some point i’ll have to do what i always do and play the role of truth coming out of her well to beg everyone around me to accept reality and there will be the resistance that there usually is and i’ll be told i’m wrong like i usually am and then when things play out almost exactly the way i said they would and we end up almost exactly where i said we would we’ll have the exact same conversation of, “you were right and you tried to tell me” once again but i’d love if it we could skip that part and just....all get on the same page because i am so fucking tired of carrying grief by myself

it’s like that one quote about how pain gets passed around a family until someone is finally ready to feel it

i’m usually that someone and i think Ashley was that someone before me but neither of us has to be and i hope to god that’s not the case here 

all of that said, my therapy is indeed paying for itself because i am taking care of me today

i slept in pretty decent, i went and got some yummy food and a fun drink and dessert and i’ve just taken some good edibles and will make my way out to the pool in a little bit

today’s a self care day and i will continue to if nothing else prioritize my mental health and physical well being and lean into those who support me and are there for me and will accept reality even if i fucking hate it because i’m taking care of me and i think i kinda like me a little bit so there’s that !!

also, i finally have a week off coming up soon which is my first vacation in like 8 months that i won’t be dog sick during so whatever happens i will at least not have to worry about clocking in and out and goddamn referrals and stupid emails and whatever else!!

hope if you’re reading this you’re having a good weekend and doing something nice for yourself today <3

[archivewilliamrikerstblog]

Headcanon: The Host - Alt

Word Count: 1460

Rating: SFW - Warning for vague descriptions of illness.

Summary: Request - Reader plays host for Odan instead of Riker.

Author's Note: Hello. Yes. I got way carried away being asked to write angst. Did a fair re-working on some of the themes the original episode explores because I had a lot of thoughts. Particularly with the idea Dr. Crusher seemed somewhat okay with fucking up Riker's body if it meant keeping Odan alive??

- - - - -

- You aren't exactly thinking when the words leave you; when you offer yourself for Odan until a proper host can arrive. You just happened to be in the right place at the right time to hear of the situation.

- Riker is struck cold when Dr. Crusher and you come into Picard's Ready Room to discuss the plan of action. Struck cold but not silent, Riker is quick to reject the idea and made no effort to hide his outrage at the suggestion.

- It doesn't really matter. The Federation need Odan and there is little time to discuss alternatives; although Riker does offer himself. With the confidence of the Chief Medical Officer and your consent, Picard has little choice but to agree and allow you to undergo the procedure.

- Riker chafes at the situation. He's agitated with everything and everyone - including you. What makes him angry with you is that he understands why you are doing this.

- At the heart of it, Riker is scared. There are so many things that could go wrong and there was no reason for you to be involved in the first place. Of course he is going to argue with you over this, try to convince you out of it. Really all he wants is for you to be safe and the safest option for you is to not participate.

- Yet you put yourself into the middle of this mess with no clear answer to if you will make it out alive and Riker was powerless to do anything about it. He could yell and object all he wanted but at the end of the day Picard outranked him.

- The surgery is successful to an extent. Both you and Odan are alive and joined but the connection is tenuous. Your consciousness not so much made one as simply shoved to the side as Odan assumed control.

- While that much was a relief, this solution is more fragile than anticipated. Complications for your body are quick to arise. Odan - as you - had looked relatively alright for a while. Yet your body recognized the Symbiote as an intruder, and quickly began to attack itself and Odan.

- Odan is confined to his quarters unless needed for negotiations. You and he needed to save what strength you could. Dr. Crusher visited often to keep a check on Odan and your body's condition. Riker doesn't, he has no reason to see Odan; and it is hard enough seeing your form degrade more and more each time Odan was forced to appear.

- There is quiet acceptance from Riker now that the waiting game has begun. He's still angry to an extent, shorter in his responses to his fellow officers at times - particularly Picard and Dr. Crusher.

- His anger with you is gone, he simply can't be after seeing how you've been affected. No, his fear only grows and is made little better by the fact that he can't even use duty to escape it. By hosting Odan you've become the focus of the mission, so he can't think of anything but you.

- If the new host did not arrive soon, both Odan and you would be lost; and that is a crushing reality for more than just Riker or Dr. Crusher.

- The initial relief Dr. Crusher felt at having, for the time, prolonged Odan's life was slowly stolen as both he and you suffer for the sake of duty. She swore an oath as a doctor to 'do no harm' but for both of you that seems all she has done. Each injection that bought Odan more time stole yours.

- As her friend your life is no less important to Dr. Crusher than Odan's. Seeing you deteriorate does hurt; as does the knowledge of what you mean to her friend Riker. She isn't quite sure what she would do or say if this whole ordeal ends with only Odan surviving.

- If Odan were to die before an agreement is final, not only would it kill you but it would effectively put an end to any hopes of preventing a war - a mission failure for Picard.

- Yet there is more to it than that for the Captain. Once more his dear friend Beverly would lose a lover while under his watch; and Picard could only guess on how Riker would take it.

- Deanna has the most difficult task of all in her role as Counselor throughout the whole ordeal. The reality of the situation is a clear to her as it is anyone else, but being able to sense the emotional unease that permeated the ship put her in a very unenvious position.

- On one hand Deanna has to assure Dr. Crusher that she is doing the right thing. That they need both Odan and you alive and anything that prolongs that is a positive right now. That you were aware that no one knew the full risks and wouldn't blame her for how this ends.

- Then on the other is Will; a man Deanna knows far to well. She doesn't need to be able to sense his emotions to know that beneath Riker's agitation is a man who is scared. Scared to lose yet another person in his life to something completely avoidable.

- Odan himself is dismayed with how everything is unraveling. He was in no was prepared for having his original host rendered useless, much less being forced to join with an incompatible host.

- He is, of course, thankful. Indebted to you, an complete stranger to him, for what you've done. He is aware that every moment you serve as host is another he takes from you. Hurting anyone was never his intention.

- In one accident he has hurt three and it weights on him as he eventually demands to speak to the leaders of Peliar Zel that day and then be removed. An agreement must be made. Reasoning that he can survive in stasis just long enough for the new host to arrive; and if they wait much longer you may not.

- It seems like a miracle that things work out. A deal is made, and shortly after Odan, as you, collapsed and was rushed to sickbay. Odan was removed and, luckily, the new host arrived just in time. Now all that was left to do was for you and Odan to recover.

- Having been suppressed into the recesses of your own mind has left you lost to the events of the past few days. All you are aware of when you come to is just how tired you feel, a tiredness that wrings through your limbs. But you are alive, awake, and yourself; and that is enough for the man who stands by your bedside - the man you've yet to notice.

- Riker had been with you since the operation had concluded and you'd been moved to a private room. He had been forced to watch from a distance as you suffered and could not stand to do the same while you recover.

- It isn't an easy wait for Riker. All his hope built up to the moment of whether or not you would wake and be yourself. The relief is unlike anything he expected when your eyes finally open and you greet him by his preferred name.

- All things considered you are doing alright. Sitting up, talking, already complaining about being behind in the Lab. You may still be hurting, there is a lot going on around you that you have little context for. But you do know the best way to put Riker at ease and that, while likely not the most important matter at hand, is what you are most concerned about.

- It takes a while for Dr. Crusher to be satisfied enough with your condition to release you from Medbay. Yet both you and Riker were relieved when she did.

- Riker was more than ready to have you back with him, having to stay away from days and watch you fall apart a memory he is eager to forget by having you with him once more. You, because you were not eager to argue with Riker that he could not stay the night in Medbay with you. Medbay chairs are not comfortable to sleep in and his back would surely be displeased in the morning.

- There isn't a question as to who's quarters you will be going to as Riker stays by your side through the journey. It isn't just because Riker's are conveniently closer and you are tired despite stubbornly refusing more than Riker's arm for help.

- While it is because you know very well that after days of having to watch you slip away from afar that Riker needs you where he can see that you are fine; you also need him too.

#william riker x reader #will riker x reader #star trek x reader

[healerelowen]

Fuck it I’m venting

I need to

Tw: Vent

 I just want my grandpa to come home. That’s all I want. I wasn’t done being his grandson. That’s a stinging part, he still thinks I’m his granddaughter. I never got the chance to come out to him, and now he will never know that. He will never see my baby brother graduate kindergarten, he will never see me get an art degree, he will never see my older brother become a pilot, none of that. 

I just wanted to make a few more happy memories together. I knew he was going to go soon, but it still hurts to know that his final home will be in a little ceramic vase. It still hurts to know that he’s not going to be there for you anymore. I’m not a kid anymore, I haven’t been for a long time. But when I was he made my life so much better. He didn’t even have to do anything, he just had to visit my family’s house and I was happier. When things went sideways, I always looked forward to visits from my grandparents.

Why did he have to go? Why couldn’t he have stayed a little longer? Why did that ill nurse have to come into work that day? All of this could’ve been prevented and that survivor’s guilt hits hard the longer you let that thought sit. It’s not fair that we have to go through this pain because one person who was sick decided to come into work. And I know I’m being unreasonable, I know that death is something that just happens in life. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt when it happens. 

And I want to be over this. I want to just get over this pain already but I can’t. I only just had the crushing realization happen to me as I’m writing this. Because writing out my feelings made me realize how impactful this situation actually is, and I broke down sobbing in the beginning of it. All I want is to not feel this way. I need to do things that don’t involve this and all these emotions are getting in the way. They’re just becoming a roadblock keeping me from doing the things I need to do to be sufficient. And I hate it and I hate that I even care about it. It seems like it’s doing everything in its power to make me face it head on when I can’t bring myself to do it. 

This pain, emotional turmoil, and confliction that I’m feeling as we speak is unbearable. And what’s worse is that I know he would’ve comforted me about being sensitive about medical stuff and whatnot. I know he would’ve told me not to worry if he was capable of speaking in the final moments I shared with him. All he did was love and care for his family his whole entire life and I had my back turned to him because of a stupid trigger. If I wasn’t so stupidly sensitive then I could’ve at least spent more than five minutes with him.         

Anyway, that’s most of the scrambles that go on inside my head at the moment.

#vent #rant #healer elowen #has an extra large depresso espresso

[horce-divorce]

So I got my doctor chatting today (he's been VERY on task the other times we met and we never went even a little off topic). I commented on how good spectrum in particular seems about LGBTQ stuff, and how I did NOT expect that coming back here, I mentioned how hard it was to even find him in the first place. And he KNOWS!

He started going off about how hard it's been for him to get support for his trans patients and it became very clear to me how involved he is in making trans friendly doctors in west Michigan a thing you can even find in the first place. Like. He's doing that, him, personally, he's busting ass out here making it happen. He went from being the only one to having three at just his location! And the whole chart system they have set up is super customizable in terms of any identities/surgeries/hormones/names/pronouns, like, literally anything you could want marked in there. HE pushed them to make that possible.

And he was getting mad too, cus he was telling me how The Organization (the hospital) thinks he's 'unprofessional' for doing this and fighting for his patients!! Because he was forced to be so loud about it!!! he is ready to smash windows!!!! I officially love him. 10/10 doctor he's doing good work out here.

Also? Because of him, I think?? Spectrum now has this... Idr what he called it, like, an LGBTQ coordinator type person? She will help you find all the other queer friendly doctors in the spectrum system so you don't have to, like, wonder when you go to someone else. And they try to flag those in their "find a doctor" search.

So yeah wow. West Michigan Spectrum Health (Grand Rapids version) really taking lgtbq health up a notch!!! Good shit!!!! This is well worth driving all afternoon for.

I also get to have a sleep study done and try a (1) new medication :-) altogether a very productive visit today I think. Cool doctors are so hard to find, even having one visit go right feels like a bigfoot sighting rofl

#me #apparently much better than that dr powers guy over in ann arbor. #he seems cool but hes a shit stirrer #he didnt take my insurance anyway

[therantingdr]

21.

These medical TV dramas led me to believe that we, as healthcare professionals, actually indulge in deep, meaningful conversations about the patient's quality of life and their wishes. Yes, I was naive back then and expected everything in life to be ideal and perfect. Like, they used to show resident doctors fighting with each other, with all their might about why the patient can't be resuscitated because he has 'DNR' tattooed to his chest, or nurses actually giving out life altering advices to patient about their personal lives. Oh, I always hated that one show in which that one resident who would get too close to the patient (or their family) and literally whisper while talking to them. Like dude, talk like a normal human being, ffs! I get uncomfortable if someone even stands a bit too close. And here you are, getting all touchy and shit. And another one where they show doctors paying a visit to the house or work of almost every other patient they see to look for clues for their diagnosis. That was a bit too much, even for me. But yea, basically, they led me to believe that we have the time and energy to actually care THAT much.

Fast forward a few years down the line, now that I'm actually working in a critical care unit as a doctor, we barely get time to even hydrate ourselves, let alone discuss a patient's personal life. There has never been an instance where we actually 'discussed' if a patient should be resuscitated or not. It's simple most of the time. If the family tells us not to, we don't. If they don't tell us anything, we do. That's it. Yes, we do try to explain how bad things are, the possible consequences of CPR, and what we expect out of it just so they can make an informed decision. But that is it. I've never seen our nurses get involved in a patient's personal life either. They barely sit during their shifts for godsake! How are they going to find time to chit-chat with their patient or his/her family!? We try not to make it too personal, and once our shift is done, we try to leave the baggages of the day at the hospital itself. Cuz no matter how hard the society tries to portray us as saints (when in a good mood), at the end of the day, we are just as human as the patients in front of us.

In a way, I think it's a blessing in disguise that the medical systems almost everywhere in the world are so overburdened that we have basically turned into bots that just follows protocols and norms and not get too affected by every patient we see. Because if it weren't, we'd have time to care more. And caring more would eventually crush us, given how heavy these emotional baggages get even when they aren't ours. So yea, maybe bots are better.

vp.

[lonesomedreamer]

SNW Liveblog: Episodes 6 & 7

“Lift Us Where Suffering Cannot Reach”

I do get the concept of having an interning cadet performing various duties across all divisions…I just highly doubt that said cadets would ever be entrusted with the ship’s phaser banks—for obvious reasons!

Now this look is what I’m talking about. Yeah, it’s tacky and cheap-looking, but it’s also geometric, iridescent, eye-catching…retrofuturism, baby!

“This is my Number One.” Is Pike allergic to the term “first officer”?

At least part of my question about M’Benga’s daughter was answered! She does know that her father is keeping her in the medical transporter.

Somehow, I doubt that this alien child with a genius-level IQ would say “Deal!”

Christine being good with kids is still canon. <3

Ah, yes, the condescending “our technology is so vastly superior to yours that you wouldn’t understand it” aliens.

52,000 times the speed of light? “Wow, that’s super slow.” Annoying!

Spock’s interaction with this kid is really cute, though.

“[My phaser’s] not on stun.” It should be! Jesus, Pike!!!

Oh, look: Sam Kirk, who might have been dead for the last three full episodes, appears out of nowhere! And no one’s even going to acknowledge that he’s been MIA for an undisclosed period of time.

I know a lot of people love Anson Mount’s Pike and find him to be the ideal Starfleet captain—but imo, he lacks both Kirk’s warmth and charisma and Picard’s eloquence and discipline. Though he’s had his moments, neither his lines nor the way he delivers them are doing anything for me. It usually seems like he’s doing just that: reading lines.

“Here, on Enterprise.” It’s THE Enterprise, dammit.

Pike finally expressing some genuine emotion is refreshing.

This plot twist is horrific and reminds me of Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers, in which aliens also use living beings as “batteries”.

Even acknowledging my deep bias in favor of previous installments, I feel like both Kirk and Picard would have caught on sooner and/or done more in an effort to save that little boy—done anything they could, in fact! Pike just struggles a little, then goes back to his cabin for a shot of liquor. I also don’t think Kirk or Picard would’ve listened to such empty excuses about how well, Federation children suffer, too! Because frankly, fuck that noise.

This episode did feel very Trek, like you could swap out the SNW cast with, say, the TNG cast (though imo, the outcome would have been different…or at least, the crew’s involvement would have differed). I’ve seen a few people suggest that this is a “needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” situation, or call the scenario a “moral dilemma,” and I disagree in both cases, especially considering the technology and general knowledge of the featured alien society is shown to be wildly more advanced than that of the Federation. There’s no conceivable reason they should remain on a hostile planet on which their mere existence depends on a never-ending cycle of child torture. Are we meant to think that the “voluntary” disintegration chambers are ethical in “A Taste of Armageddon” just because humans are capable of killing, too? No! (That said, the episode does raise an interesting question about consent: obviously, the First Servant cannot consent to becoming a power source…so can M’Benga’s daughter consent to being kept in stasis in the medical transporter?)

The Good: Some good costumes—authentic Trek vibes—actually visiting an alien planet—M’Benga’s daughter.

The Bad: Holier-than-thou aliens who condescend and use whataboutism arguments—a lot of this episode is just illogical in many ways—the false moral dilemma/dichotomy.

“The Serene Squall”

Whyyyy is T’Pring back already, and why does she have a personal log that’s being used as narration to open an episode? Who’s asking for more T’Pring??

“I have been doing research on human sex.” Spock and I are on the same wavelength here.

Fortunately, the real power couple appears in the very next scene!

Christine, like me, is thinking: I really don’t want to talk about your girlfriend, Spock.

“I need a friend.” :( Hailing Kirk and McCoy—come to the rescue of this sad Vulcan boy!

This is another very cute Spockstine heart-to-heart…but the cringe dialogue strikes again: “Pro tip!” SNW is going to seem so dated a decade from now. It’s sad.

Starfleet calls Pike “their Boy Scout”? In his official file? That’s…weird—and it’s ripped off from Carol Marcus’ (deragatory) nickname for Kirk. It’s also going to be awkward when Kirk, who’s younger than Spock, takes over the Enterprise in the not-so-distant future. (I guess in theory it’s going to be ~8-10 years in the future, but since I know that a) they introduce Kirk in this series, and b) he’s probably not going to be 22 in-universe, I somehow doubt that he’ll be waiting in the wings to take over for years.

“It looks like a net…except, you know, made of lasers.” Once again, I am asking: who tf okayed this script? It’s so BAD.

What’s “playing fast-and-loose with the rules” about the captain leading a landing party? Pike’s done so multiple times already on this show, without taking the many times Kirk did it into account, of course—it’s only in the twenty-fourth century that it becomes frowned upon/against regulations (probably because of what happened in the twenty-third, lol).

Ahhh, I do love this—very close to the look of TOS!

Spock and Aspen got in the turbolift from the Bridge, went to another deck, and then run into…the Bridge crew being led into the corridor as prisoners??? Make it make sense.

Lmfao of course Aspen was married to a Vulcan, which at this time is so rare that surely Spock—the son of a human woman who’s also married to a Vulcan man—would already know about it, at least in passing, especially since Aspen is ex-Starfleet?

I see. She was lying…which Spock should probably have figured out based on her claim to be married to a Vulcan.

Unfortunately she’s not a better actress as “Angel.” Now she’s just really over-the-top.

“One of Vulcan’s favorite sons” Despite Sarek’s social rank, I really doubt that’s true of Spock yet. He’s also definitely not T’Pring’s “one true love” lol.

But that’s the thing: T’Pring doesn’t love Spock. We all know that! (Someone on this Bridge does love him, though!)

Angel’s threats to kill Spock are empty, because we, as the audience, know that there’s absolutely NO chance of him dying.

THIS is the context of their first kiss?? A fake-out?!? After 57 years, I guess I’ll take what I can get, but it’s still disappointing.

Christine hasn’t even had much of a chance to flirt with or pine for Spock. I’m only watching SNW for this ship, so I can’t believe I’m complaining, but where’s the build-up? The not-so-slow burn? It’s just bad writing. So, the norm for this show.

It is a great kiss, though.

And then T’Pring says she knew it was a ruse all along, and they just…get back together? Like nothing happened? When Spock and Christine’s mutual attraction is obvious (despite that I said about build-up)??? Thanks, I hate it.

“I know for certain there’s no feelings between us.” Except there clearly are, and this line is a total betrayal of Christine’s character. Again. She was always more than a lovelorn nurse, but she did always love Spock, from “The Naked Time” on, unashamedly! So for this Christine to say that she “knows” there are no feelings between herself and Spock after they made out in public, regardless of the reason…sure, fine, whatever!

Stonn is in the credits. He must be the guy T’Pring is with at the very end of the episode, I guess? And if so, hopefully that mean she’ll disappear from Spock’s storyline to carry on her own “affair” soon…?! (Not holding my breath.)

I have yet to watch any movie after Search for Spock, so I’m stuffing my fingers in my ears re: anything to do with Sybok. I’ve somehow avoided spoilers for 3+ years, so don’t need to be influenced by a bunch of retconning before I’m even properly introduced to the dude in canon.

So you can probably tell that I didn’t care about the pirate plotline at all. Was it good? Was it memorable? Was it at least funny? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m just here for the Spockstine, y’all. But I did notice Uhura wasn’t in this episode…which, tbh, is fine since she’d probably be wasted by the writers.

The Good: So much Spock/Christine interaction, especially that kiss! T’Pring breaking up with Spock. The writers remembering that Orions exist.

The Bad: Cringe dialogue—Aspen/Angel’s acting—the kiss being a fake-out—T’Pring immediately re-bonding with Spock.

#luth liveblogs snw #no one even reads these do they lol #oh well

[todayisafridaynight]

RIGHT YEAH I was also thinking about the scenario of Jo accompanying Masato in relation to this, in the vein of… that'd solidify that the whole lie was always about His Family and not The Family right… because what can Jo even DO for the family while he's away? He's more than a glorified accountant.

Though thinking about it, he probably wouldn't have been away too long, at least compared to a prison sentence for murder. Because Masato only faked his death in 2004 (at the very latest, I guess; it's when the news went public) and Bleach Japan was founded "almost 20 years" prior to 2019, at which point Aoki and Ogasawara had already graduated and returned to Japan.

That and Aoki wasn't in a wheelchair anymore when he met Ogasawara at Harvard, so perhaps Jo would only really /need/ to stay for the procedure and Aoki's physical therapy and all, though of course I can see him staying longer. Still, not too long, all things considered.

So this scenario's kind of the worst of both worlds, because perhaps those first couple of years it's Arakawa's own stubbornness, and then the rest of his family has to go away anyway. And he's so sure in that time what he needs is to be with his family again and he'll at least feel less alone, miss Ichi less.

But then Masato's Aoki now and only really staying in touch to use him and the Arakawa Family's resources for his own gain, and Jo--as you perfectly put it--doesn't know how to emotionally take care of him. So things he should be ecstatic about--seeing his son walk on his own two legs for the first time and having his right hand man back in action--end up bittersweet at best. Aiiieeeeee……

OH YEAH SHINJI I half-remembered there was a visit in 1 but not who actually went to visit Kiryu sorry for doing you like that my boy </3 still counts as part of a pattern to me though… subordinate visiting his aniki…

SPEAKING OF KIRYU. Yeah. Typical Kiryu L. Kazuma Kiryu you have blood on your hands and NOT in the funney Reddit meme way… ABSOLUTELY DERANGED to blame Ichi for anything in the ending whatsoever though like WHAT. He got him immediate medical attention and WE AS THE AUDIENCE don't even have time to react, let alone anyone living the fucking moment good god my blood pressure is spiking

ALSO THE JO POST… YEAH… yeah yeah yeah that's the shit I'm talking about… and like. This is where localization frustrates me so Bear With My Complaints a moment but his very last line is mistranslated in both versions, the sub in terms of what he was actually saying and the dub in terms of giving him this bitchy, flippant tone that doesn't convey his intent. So I'll cut them down the middle and say it's "[The] legit [way]? The word has never crossed my mind, not once."

There's just something to it as a clear thesis for his whole life and his eventual fate. Like of course Adachi means in terms of going through the proper legal processes, but words like proper, legit, decent, these also have clear connotations of adequacy. So for him to literally say NOTHING he's done has been adequate in his eyes perfectly illustrates what you were saying. Like he's always taken it as a matter of fact that nothing he could do would be enough, like that's a truth woven into his existence so tightly he never even thought about it. And now there really is nothing he can do.

i have my own theoretical timeline on masato's stay in america, but even with what we have there's a lot of variables involved with for exactly when certain events happened

under the assumption masato was to enroll at harvard in the fall of 2001 (assuming he was somehow able to be approved for a lung transplant as soon as that year), then jo would- at max- might only have to be abroad for (assuming they leave in january) nine months (to account for the time it took for masato to get approved for surgery and then the surgery itself plus the potential 3-6 month recovery period afterwards)

alternatively, if masato had to wait a year- two max if we're being optimistic so he could graduate on time under an accelerated 2-year academic schedule to get surgery- then jo, similarly, would have to be abroad for a similar amount of time.

the time gone doesn't matter too much i guess: arakawa will still be left alone for a long time, and that really couldnt have been easy either way. the time his family's gone only makes their comeback all the more bittersweet, as you put it (´▽｀;;)

OH BUT YEAH NO THE Y7 BIT THAT SHIT PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH WHEN I READ IT like mates were trying to be smart about it like 'wow ichi way to go showing how much you love aoki and how you'd do anything for him 🙄' like God Forbid a human character acts human and imperfect what the fuck you want him to do he aint got no goddamn spidey sense how the shit was he supposed to know (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

but yeah.. speaking of Doing The Right Thing jo's never ending feelings of inadequacy are my favorite </3 cause its like.. it's a reason why i love jo so much if i can be weird to say: what he did wasnt something that you can confidently forgive or try to say 'he's done the most to rectify this' or anything like that because putting a baby in a coin locker's like.. a lot of steps are involved to do that.. not really a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing that would have grounds to forgive yourself for.. so the fact jo knows this and just has that intense guilt- it's my bread and butter to say the least 😔

#long post #snap chats #i didnt mean to ramble about my masato timeline OOPS. i havent mentioned it in months tho.... i do like thinkin a it.... #thats not even to consider the idea of jo staying abroad all four years to make sure masato was getting along fine #and to make sure he made it back to japan alright- but for the sake of giving masato some independence for a bit #we can also say jo went back when he was 'no longer needed' and just let masato live how he wanted to #but again i guess the exact amount of months and years dont matter too much #as for Jo's Suffering though i can't explain why i love it so much #i think its just cause like. its nice that a character acknowledges they did something unforgivable #like even if aoki did get the lung transplant and he's fine- or WAS fine rip- that doesnt negate the 24 some years he had to be miserable #i cant explain it im very bad at explaining things can we tell #its just such a weird situation. because again what jo did isnt something you can excuse or forgive yk #like masato's critical years and his early adulthood were severely impacted by his disability #to say half his life was altered by jo's actions is an understatement- and jo knows that right #even if he made sure everything that could be done for him to make his life better was done #there was probably always that thought of 'this extra work wouldnt be necessary if i didnt do that' yk what i mean #so i guess im just glad he's dedicated to acknowledging that and trying to take responsibility for it now #idk idk i cant explain it but i hope we know what i mean. dear god i hope we do words arent my strong suit #but yeah again.... now he cant do anything to continue righting that wrong in his eyes #now its just guilt with no means of alleviating it and THAT. hurts the soul in a good way. me thinks anyhow

[yougotwinterinyoursoul]

idk thoughts

I don’t really know how I am supposed to feel anymore. I know i feel things too deeply and all of my emotions are too big. But how am i supposed to feel them?  Examples of things I have a lot of mixed, but very heavy feelings towards (this is your chance to scroll past):  My mum asked me if it would be okay if my brother gave my niece my old things. Things my mum was saving for me to collect whenever i visited next. I know maybe I shouldn’t be so upset about this, but neither of my older siblings were really there for me when I was a child. They are older than I am and had moved out when all of the abuse from my dad started. I resent them because when they would ignore his calls I was the one who got the shit kicked out of them. My siblings ignored me so much when I was little, and now they want my niece whom I have never met to have my stuff. Not to mention, they guilt me all of the time because I am not “involved” How am I supposed to be involved when I live across the country? I don’t ever go home because it’s expensive and I would rather go other places (not that I can afford to do that either). It’s funny how they can make me feel so guilty for not calling or visiting but they can easily forget that my brother accused me of being a drug addict a few years ago because I take medications for my bipolar disorder and bpd. Or how my sister said to my mum that she’s afraid of me. I am afraid of me, too. How am i supposed to feel about all of this? Because it honestly really hurts my fucking feelings. I am glad they are putting in so much energy into my niece, she deserves that. But why are you trying to replace me? How am i not supposed to see it that way? Or Like idk, friends coming to visit or not. When I ask how long do you plan on staying and then replying with “I need to see the availability of the other person first” like ok. How is that not supposed to make me feel like shit? If you don’t want to stay with me or not see me then don’t. You are not obligated to do anything here.  Also I wish I could stop being sad about not being able to see Paramore. But like I have floor tickets, I was planning on joining the line and getting to the barricade. Now I can’t and I have to sell and someone else gets to. Do you not realize how much that fucking sucks? I don’t know maybe some of you don’t have an attachment to things, maybe you haven’t attempted to kill yourself and have a few bands save your life. I don’t know, I just won’t ever get this chance again and the fact that it’s not going to happen for me makes me feel like nothing else is going to happen for me. I am done trying so hard. I just can’t keep living like this anymore. I need to not take things so seriously and personally but it’s so hard not to. Sometimes I think that I deserve better and more than what I had to put up with growing up. But I don’t know, I probably deserve all of the bullshit I have to put with. I fucking hate myself so much. I just wish to disappear and save everyone the god damn burden and annoyance.

#just thoughts #borderline personality disorder #bipolar disorder 2 #i am mess and i think everyone hates me

[divergent-one-1984]

Organized Crime Ring in Astoria, NY, in a neighborhood under the jurisdiction of 114th PRECINCT and in apartment buildings managed by CENTRAL ASTORIA, LLC. I have been the victim of TARGETED COMMUNITY HARASSMENT SINCE SUMMER 2016 because of my race and gender, I am an African American woman (because of a rumor / gossip mill started by staff at NYC DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION while I was employed there from 2014 to 2016 I was made the victim of targeted psychological harassment). Due to the illegal access and leaking of private, personal, confidential information by wiretapping / cloning / hacking of personal devices and illegal surveillance in my residence. This includes leaking of confidential medical information (HPV, strains that can cause cervical cancer and an Abortion) - STREET THEATER WEEK OF VALENTINES DAY 2023 MT SINAI HOSPITAL ASTORIA AND AT HOME (POST 2)

In addition to the HATE CRIME element to the ongoing stalking and harassment there is a Religious Zealotry / Nuttery / Judgmental / Fundamentalism / Extremism element to my daily harassment as I am being harassed by mostly Muslim and Latino people. Based on facts / my observation, I would estimate that 9 out of 10 people harassing me on a daily basis are Muslim or Latino, with Muslims ranking number 1, Muslims who appear to be from Middle Eastern / Arab countries and countries on the Asian continent. All of the tenants in my apartment building are involved in my daily harassment, especially the 3 apartments surrounding my apartment. 2 of the apartments are occupied by Muslim tenants and the 3rd apartment is occupied by Latino tenants. Out of the 9 apartments in my apartment building. 2 of the tenants, including myself are African American, the remaining 7 apartments are occupied by Latino and Muslim tenants, with the Muslims being in the majority.

IMPORTANT UPDATE REGARDING CHANGE OF TENANCY IN APT BLDG (NEW TENANT(S) AS OF FEBRUARY 1, 2023): 1 OF THE FAMILIES IN THE APT BLDG MOVED OUT TUESDAY, JANUARY 31, 2023. I BELIEVE THESE TENANTS WERE AFRO-LATINO OR BLACK FOLK OF CARIBBEAN DESCENT (I HAVE KNOWN THEM SINCE I WAS YOUNG, PROBABLY LATE TEENS EARLY TWENTIES) IN MY MIND I WAS THINKING I BET THE NEXT TENANTS TO MOVE INTO THEIR APT IS EITHER MUSLIM OR LATINO, MOST LIKELY MUSLIM.

The latest GASLIGHTING incident involves my full sibling / sister coming over one day earlier this week on a day my relative is normally out of the house and I am home alone. It was Valentines day to be exact.

My sister / full sibling never calls to say she is coming over as a courtesy, this would be beneficial mostly to see if anything is needed because I rarely leave the house. She has a key to apartment so she does not have to call persay but a heads up would be nice just so she could bring stuff that might be needed, but she is trying to be sneaky, so she can come here and gaslight me by moving items around and placing new items in the apartment. She just pops up, sometimes there is a pattern to it because she has school aged child so her ability to visit revolves around the schedule of the child, other times she will come over days she normally would not. She does not appear to be working now so her fulltime job seems to be taking care of her child, stalking and harassing me, and sharing caregiving repsonsibilities with me. Regarding the latter I unfortunately cannot avoid her altogether, once we dont have the shared responsibility of caregiver we will have no reason to deal with each other because our relationship is done as far as I am concerned and has been done for a while, since I realized she was harassing me. I only deal with her for the purposes of joint caregiving. I take care of the daily living / maintenance of relative and she takes care of the administrative part; paperwork, insurance, scheduling doctors appointments, etc.

This sister is 8 years younger than me so I have known her for her entire life and I know when she is acting out of the ordinary and I know her pretty well, she is not as "sneaky", stealth, and smart as she thinks she is, just a chronicly depressed person who got involved in harrassing me as part of this ORGANIZED CRIME ring that is ORGANIZED GROUP STALKING and HARRASSMENT. She is following her GANGSTALKING instructions quite well.

IMO people who engage in ORGANIZED STALKING are off mentally in one way or another because no sane, mentally healthy person with self esteem, self worth, a sense of self, empathy, and a respect for human life would participate in the repetetive stalking and psychological harassment, coercive control of another human being, especially of their own relative or so called friend.

If the shoe were on the other foot, no one could ever manipulate, coerce, convince, blackmail, bribe, etc, me into doing this to another human being, a relative, a friend, a stranger, or an enemy. I don't have hate and malice in my spirit plus I mind my business and don't engage in deviant behavior, also I would rather spend my time and energy doing productive things as opposed to destructive things.

As far as this sister being chronically depressed, I don't know if she has been officially diagnosed, we are no longer close since all of this so if she was she probably would not tell me, plus she can be extremely secretive in general. We were close growing up in the later years as she became a late teen / young adult. 8 years is a big difference when young; children are in 2 very different places / stages in life, when she first came I was excited cause I was still pretty young but as I got older in my preteen / teenage years naturally we were not as close (I am sure this occurs with most siblings who are far apart in age, it's just natural to have somewhat of a disconnect throughout the younger years because each are in very different phases in life). We became closer as we grew older.

In her young adult years she did confide in me that she felt depressed alot, had negative thoughts about herself, including her physical appearance and had some thoughts of suicide. Additionally, she was involved in a domestic violence relationship with the father of her child, involving psychological and physical violence to the point where she had to legally evict him from the apartment they shared. This occurred in recent years, sometime after this harassment began with me in 2015 at NYC DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and subsequent to me quitting n APRIL 2016; the COMMUNUTY HARASSMENT began in ASTORIA in SUMMER 2016. My sister "eloped" with this man and got married without telling me, my mother, no one it seems except for a handful of people on his side (I think my father was dead by the time she got married so he was not here to tell.) I know she did not tell us because we would have told her not to. We did not really know him and based on the little I observed of him and the way this was done, a man needs to at the very least talk to parents / close family and ask for blessing out of respect, something that is healthy and positive would not have to be done in secrecy, I am some what traditional in that sense. The whole thing was done in secrecy because I think she knew she was not doing the right thing. I told her when they first met that she should not get serious with this guy, just have fun and get dating / relationship experience because he ain't it.

This man also happens to be JAMAICAN, another theme running through my harassment. People who I think may have and / or associates of theirs a hand in making me a target are ex-sexual / romantic partners, 3 of whom are of JAMAICAN descent, but I digress.

My sister was very secretive about that whole thing. I think he used her for citizenship, a place to live, money, etc. He found an easy mark because she felt low about herself it was easy to fall into that. I told her from jump not to get serious with him because he was not suitable, but she did what she did and years later had to get the US Marshalls to legally evict him because he was abusing her and refused to leave the apartment. They were divorced at this point but still living together to co-parent and probably because he had nowhere else to go.

The domestic violence also was secret, we did not know anything about the abuse; she never spoke about anything until after she evicted him, so I don't know how long this was going on but they were together for some years at least 5, somewhere between 5 and 10 years probably. She told me about this in maybe 2018, when I was living in MIDWOOD, BROOKLYN, not far from her, the apartment I rented to naively escape the harrassment in ASTORIA, QUEENS, all it did was follow me to BROOKLYN.

So, with all this I can understand how she could be vulnerable and be pulled into harming me by participating in GANGSTALKING. The abused becomes the abuser.

If she were diagnosed as clinically depressed I would not be surprised based on what she confided in me and the observation of some of her actions related to her child's father and just observing her in her young adulthood, she was a bit of a loner and did not really have friends outside of school, mostly dealt with kids in the neighborhood. She had one friend she grew up with and was close to, they seemed to drift apart in adulthood. We grew up in ASTORIA, so many of the kids we grew up with were our friends, pretty close knit because ASTORIA has always been majority white (large Italian and Greek population so the few black and brown (Latino) folks were tight knit.)

Up until my relationships got ruined (this is an actual tactic of ORGANIZED STALKING referred to as RUINED RELATIONSHIPS) by the GANGSTALKING, I was still friends with people I had known for 30+ years. I was 39 when all this crap started, I am no longer friends with the handful of people that still live in this neighborhood in ASTORIA, from my childhood as well as others. Most people in their teens and 20s are social and have friends and go out, my sister never really did that. She tagged along with me and my friends alot. I was the complete opposite. I am not the life of the party but I am not a wallflower either. I am an introvert and enjoy alone time but I can be social all the same. I believe I have maintained a good balance.

Since I was a young child I was engaged with friends and kept up with friends all the time. Friends and school were my primary focuses growing up; I was a bit of a nerd. I was a frequent pen pal in my youth up until my late teens / young adulthood.

I had friends from my very young childhood who I wrote to via snail mail because they moved to another state / country or during the summer being away from some school friends. One of my close friends in elementary school moved back to Pakistan, we wrote each other for some years afterward up until high school.

My childhood best friend who I have known since I was like 5 or 6 years old moved to TEXAS, when her parents split but we kept in contact all the way through adulthood. She was young when they moved, we were maybe pre-teens / early teens when she moved and we kept in contact via phone, snail mail, and in person when she would come up to ASTORIA to stay with her dad during summers. So, I know how to maintain long term relationships and develop new ones since I was a young child. I am NOT the FALSE NARRATIVE this SMEAR CAMPAIGN / ORGANIZED STALKING HARASSMENT is trying to portray, an anti-social deviant or violent or mentally ill person. IT'S ALL LIES. They had to RUIN my RELATIONSHIPS, and ERASE THE TRUTH OF ME AND MY LIFE to fabricate the false narrative. I have made friends / associates / acquantainces my entire life through growing up in my neighborhood, attending school and in the workforce, my sister has not.

Her baby shower consisted of 1 friend, the same childhood friend I spoke of earlier that she seemed to not be speaking to later in life. The rest were family friends and a couple of my friends, 1 from high school and the other from college. This was around a decade ago, I was in my mid 30s at the time and still close friends with someone I have known since age 15. Because I have the ability to get along with so many different kinds of people, if I don't like you and can't find common ground with you to be an associate, friend, acquaintance, there is a reason for it and its most likely not me because I was consistently able to get along with many different kinds of people from the age I was socialized in the neighborhood, in preschool age, elementary shcool up until age 39, when all this nonsense started and my life as I knew it ended.

I have always been a very intuitive and observant person so if I have cut you off its because my spidey senses have sensed something not so great about you and that you need to be kept at a distance or removed from my life completely, which considering my ability to make and keep friends over long periods of time, did not happen often so I have to be getting a seriously bad vibe from you because I am a pretty cool, easy going, and non judgemental person so I can see some common ground in many different kinds of people.

This was a consistent theme in my life until age 39 when the harassment began at NYC DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION in 2015. I picked up friends and acquantainces everywhere I went of all kinds because I am easy going and open minded, I can find something in most people that I can have some kind of common interest / compatability with because as I understand later in life, I was of the humanist discipline. I befriended people of all kinds my entire life; African, Carribbean, Asian, White, Latino, Muslim, Christian, etc., some of which I had deep connections with even though we were culturally different; I am Black American.

I always looked at a person for who they were, not necessarily what they were or what religion they practiced, those were.secondary things to me. I always wanted to know who you are as a person before your identities or boxes you tick off, cause we all have those, and I liked to believe we are more than our labels or the labels society tries to out on us. We each have personalities, I wanted to know that before anything else and if you are positive in nature. Because of this HARASSMENT since 2015 I have had to cut most people out of my life because they began engaging in harassment.

[tjswritingstuff]

Redefining family; 2022 in review.

In November of 2021 my long-term relationship ended, and life started on a new adventure. One that put my writing goals in the rear view for the time being and sent me in a direction that I couldn’t have envisioned a few years ago.

Lets start with some backstory. I was in a Polyamorous “Vee” relationship. For those that don’t know what this means is that me and another girl were both in a relationship with the same man but not romantically involved with each other. Think roommates with the same boyfriend and you’ll get close to our living arrangement.

My relationship had become unsustainable many years before, but I am stubborn. I stuck it out for another 5 or 6 years. You know, I just had to make sure to beat that dead horse to a pulp, nothing left to save. My ex (My children’s father) was given a medical marijuana card for pain management and after some research decided there was a strain for everything and quit taking his medications.  The story has changed about a dozen times in the past year, sometimes he was sick and forgot to take it, sometimes he was out, sometimes he took it but threw it up. Whatever the result was the same. He was off his mood stabilizers. The person he became was one I was not going to continue to put up with. Stupid is one word for it, dangerously reckless is another, borderline sociopath is another. He totaled our car on the way to pick up pot brownies. (Still went and got the brownies), ended up in the hospital for not taking his meds, aimed a gun at our son. (He doesn’t see anything wrong with it because, “The gun was unloaded, it was as safe as pointing my finger at him.) The last straw was the last straw in a haystack that had been building for years. Messing with my kid is a deal breaker, for both me and the other girl in our relationship.

We took him to his mom’s and left him there.  I tried to take the kids to see him at least once a week. We went for his birthday and for Christmas. But it really felt like I was trying to hold together their relationship for them when he didn’t care.

At home it was me, the other girl, and the two kids trying to figure out where we stand now that our poly relationship was no longer tying us together.

Then 2022 started.  In January we made a trip to the Austin area to visit some friends. I knew by the end of the trip that she’d be in Austin by the end of the year. She moved out in April.

I had a choice to make, I could stay, doing the same job I’d done for 18 years, living in the town that I grew up in, driving the same roads that I always knew, or I could go to Austin and start over. If I stayed, I knew I would never leave again. That choosing to stay was choosing to stay forever. If I went…who knows?

My kids made the decision for me. My daughter started carrying around a picture of her and asking for her Momma. My son cried because he missed her so much, and me, well I felt like I’d lost my best friend. I started job hunting.

I had a couple interviews, which lead to a couple offers. I picked the one that I liked the best. They work me hard, but I enjoy the work, and the environment is very supportive, that goes a long way.  

My son started introducing the other girl as his Stepmom. My daughter still sometimes calls her Momma, and we had to redefine our relationship. I call her my partner most of the time. If people ask, I tell them she’s my non-romantic/ non-sexual life partner, that gets some looks. Best friend helping me raise my kids, gets fewer looks. We’re still redefining what family means for us, but I think we’re figuring it out.

A couple things did fall by the wayside this year. I wrote very little. (83,000 words compared to 200,000 as my usual per year) I also read very little. 2022 was the first year that I haven’t updated my good reads account. Mostly because all of the books I read were to my baby. I did finally go in a few days ago and input those children’s books, because I did read them. A lot. Dinosaur in Trouble I can literally quote word for word without ever turning a page.

I did start a book, that became my Nanowrimo project this year.

It’s been a weird year, but a good one for me. I have spent a lot of time exploring my new home and all the things that I never would have gotten to experience if I hadn’t really taken the time to look at what mattered the most. My family.  

I’m excited to see what the future will hold for us.

[mychemicalmenopause]

Whoops, I meant to update the other day when I heard from Dr. Williams after speaking with Dr. Lipscomb. He started off the conversation by saying, “So, what’s this I hear about the front desk and a Google review?” The way he said it was more annoyed than intimidating, like he had gotten in trouble and he had absolutely no idea why. I told him that I had left several messages for him, his staff, and the Regional Manager and I hadn’t heard back from anyone. He told me that the front desk was trying to “cover” for Karie by not delivering my messages, when they “really did need a push” to get things done. As a former receptionist, it really makes me wonder if that’s what actually happened, or if they used the front desk as a scapegoat for Karie. Either way, shame on them. 

Dr. Williams repeated what Dr. Lipscomb said earlier in the day, “We can do better,” and asked if I was willing to continue treatment as planned. I told him that I’m nervous about not being able to get questions answered in a timely manner when I do start meds, especially now that I’ve gotten Karie in even more trouble, unintentionally. He said, “Well, everyone in the office knows who you are now, but if you need anything, just send a message through MyChart instead of calling in.” I told him that I tried that the first time I had questions and it took eight days just to get an acknowledgement. He apologized for that and tried his best to assure me that it won’t happen again. He promised that the Lupron had definitely been called into the pharmacy and that they should just be waiting on my insurance to authorize it. I told him I had talked to them earlier in the day and they said to call back on Friday if I hadn’t heard anything. 

I talked to my therapist on Thursday and told her that I still felt very unsettled about the whole thing. I felt a little guilty that the apparent “big boss” doctor had to get involved and that everyone got in trouble, but damn - do your job and give a shit about your patients and maybe that won’t happen again. I did apologize and told Dr. Williams that I didn’t mean to be a bitch or a difficult patient, that I wasn’t being hostile when I called and have been kind to everyone I’ve spoken with. Ariel (my therapist) told me not to feel guilty for advocating for myself, but I still did. She asked if I was comfortable moving forward with Dr. Williams and I said I wasn’t sure, so she advised me to continue as planned. I value her opinion and advice, so that’s what we’re doing.  

This morning I got a message from Karie saying my insurance had denied coverage for Lupron. “Their letter stated that approval requires the diagnosis is confirmed by surgical or direct visualization or histopathological confirmation in the past 10 yrs.” Because we’re doing things a little backwards, it would not benefit me to have surgery to diagnose Endometriosis and then go back in, in 6 months to take everything out. So Dr. Williams filed an appeal explaining why he’s wanting to prescribe Lupron and we’ll see what happens. 

I’m just flabbergasted as to why my insurance would approve a total hysterectomy (around $50,000), but not a medication. Why do insurance companies have the right to override a doctor’s prescription? Who the hell are these people to say yes to SURGERIES but not meds? It’s absurd and mind-blowing and fucking exhausting. Not one single thing has been easy with this and I just want the surgery already.  

_______________________________________________

PMDD is so freaking weird, man. Today was a typical Monday - didn’t get enough sleep last night, got an extra visit added to my schedule, had to run errands, introduce a sitter to a dog, and did an interview. For the last 2.5 - 3 weeks I’ve felt like shit, but I’m not in a bad mood today. So much so that it caught me off guard a little until I was like, ‘This is what you’re supposed to feel like,’ bit of a headache from the day but overall OKAY. 

[animeomegas]

MY FELLOW ANON ARE VIOLATING MY EMOTIONS TODAY 😂 god I’m acc crying. Your writing is amazing. I’m gonna combat the sadness with a wholesome thing of them finding a pup in a bin (or something) a few months after the loss of the first pup (Neji is currently shut down entirely) is like “lol gimme”. Proceeds to take the pup home, put it in his nest scent the lil bean (gender is your choice) and just be like “yeah this mine now”. Any nay sayers are ignored bc it’s still his baby (maybe almost like his pup reincarnated 👀👀) regardless of how baby was obtained. Idk I just think my guy needs some positivity after life kicking the ever loving shit out of him

This is beautiful and you’re right, Neji deserves the world, but I’ll settle with a quiet life and some happiness for my boy!

Okay, so things haven’t been…good with Neji since you had to let your pup die to save him.

It has been two months and still he lays in his nest every day, sometimes crying, sometimes whining, but mostly just staring at nothing. He had incorporated a bunch of baby stuff (blankets, toys etc.) into his nest before he went to the hospital, in order to make his pup feel more at home in the nest when he was supposed to bring them back. You had tried to take them out to stop him having to be confronted with what happened in his safe space, but Neji almost attacked you for doing so, so you let him keep them.

But it’s very concerning when he spends hours at a time just stroking the pup's blankets and staring at nothing.

So, you decide to take Neji on a walk to get him out of the house. It would be his first time leaving the house since the funeral.

You go at night time, because Neji is still refusing any contact with anyone he knows and this way he’s less likely to be confronted when he isn’t ready for it. To make extra sure that you can be alone, you decide to walk around the edge of the woods around one of the quieter training grounds.

Neji doesn’t speak much, but he doesn’t whine or cry either, and the night air brings a little colour to his cheeks, and you’re so happy at the small improvements. It doesn’t matter how long it ends up taking him to feel better, you’ll be here with him the whole way.

…

“I was thinking about cooking something special next week,” you make idle conversation, not expecting Neji to reply. “It’s our anniversary after all, do you have any preference?”

Neji stops walking suddenly. His shoulders are tense.

“Neji?”

He hushes you harshly.

“I can hear…”

Without another word of warning, Neji makes his way a little further into the trees. You follow him, confused and worried.

“Byakugan!” he calls, scanning the area. He gasps as he scans over a nearby bush and immediately he drops to his knees beside it.

“Neji?” you ask, now more than a little concerned. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

You watch as Neji pulls something out of the bush. He turns around with a bundle in his arms.

“It’s a pup,” Neji says, obviously shocked. You can’t blame him, you’re feeling more than a little shocked yourself. What on earth was a pup doing out here? “They’re freezing. Give me your jacket.”

Without hesitance, you quickly slip your jacket of and hand it to Neji who promptly bundles up the pup in it and brings them to his chest. The pup is making small whimpering noises that had been almost impossible to hear over the wind. Neji must have hear them, thank goodness.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Neji coos to the pup. “You’re safe now, I'll take you home and make it better, I promise.”

“We need to get them to the hospital asap," you say, shaking your head. "They must be freezing and they look underweight as well. We’re not mednin, Neji.”

“Our home is closer.”

“Neji…”

“We need to make sure they’re warm,” he argues. “We can bring them home and alert a medic to make a home visit.”

You look at the earnest look on his face and know that he won’t back down, and now isn’t a time for arguments anyway.

“Okay,” you swallow nervously. “We’ll bring them home.”

…

You bring the pup back to your home and before you can protest, Neji brings them into his nest with a mumbled ‘they’ll be warm in there’.

Neji bundles himself and the pup up in the corner of the nest, turning on a little heater beside him, and tucking the pup into his shirt to share body warmth.

“We’ll get you nice and warm, it’s okay, you’re safe, I won’t let anyone harm you,” he whispers while stroking their cheek with a finger. The pup wriggles around, already looking more energetic, and starts mouthing at Neji’s chest.

“Are you hungry?” Neji laughs softly before turning to you. “Go and heat up a bottle for the pup, all the supplies are in the… the nursery.”

You nod dumbly and do as you’re asked, astounded at how much life is in Neji’s eyes. It’s the most life you’ve seen from him in months. But you can’t help but worry. What if Neji gets attached and you can’t keep the pup? Of course, you want nothing more than to keep the baby, it almost seems too good to be true that she literally fell into both your lives at this trying time, but what if it is too good to be true? What if they’re sick? Or their parents are looking for them? Or… something else. Neji doesn’t deserve another heartbreak, and you don’t want to destroy the small amount of progress he’s made in the last month.

But for now, all you can do is heat up the bottle.

…

“Here, it’s a good temperature, I already checked,” you pass Neji the bottle. He checks it again anyway and you can’t help but smile at how overprotective and parental he's being. It's so bittersweet to see him like this.

“Here you go sweetheart, just for you,” Neji smiles, cradling the pup as they latch onto the bottle with fervour. “Shh, shh, shh, slow down, it’s not going anywhere.”

Neji feeds the pup and then burps them, and you pretend you can’t see him smiling when he notices that they are starting to smell like him. You need to know you can keep her before you let him get even more attached.

“I’m going to send a clone for a medic, now.”

The room became tense all at once.

“They’re fine, I’m looking after them,” Neji protests.

“I know, and you’re doing a good job, but we still need a medic, Neji.”

Neji holds the pup more tightly to his chest, tucking an extra blanket around them. He's using the special blanket you had got commissioned for your pup. You can feel your heart break at the sight. He's already attached. Now you just have to hope you can keep them. For his sake.

“I don’t want them to take the pup away like last time,” Neji admits softly. "I can look after them, I won't let anything happen like last time, I promise. They'll be safe, we don't need a medic."

“We need to know their primary and secondary gender, omega, and we need to make sure they aren’t sick after being left in the woods…”

Neji hesitates but nods his consent in the end after you explain that your pup could become ill if left untreated. You don’t tell him that you are also sending a clone to the Hokage. Naruto will be able to grant you and Neji the right to keep the pup, and you hope that as Neji’s friend, he’ll be able to see how much he needs this.

…

You have to move Neji and the pup downstairs to wait for the medic, because Neji would not appreciate someone unknown seeing his nest he made for his pup. He’s not expecting Naruto to show up as well so you go to the door to intercept and prep them both.

“Thank you so much for coming, Naruto, I can’t tell you how much this means to me and Neji,” you say, hugging him as he walks through the door.

“I’m going to do everything I can,” he promises. “If the medic finds signs of long-term neglect, I can take the parental rights away from the biological parents straight away, even if I don't know who they are, and transfer you the rights.”

Your face visibly brightens, but Naruto continues.

“But if the only injuries are from laying in the forest for a few hours, I’ll have to try and find the parents first, because the child may have been taken from them by force, when the pup was otherwise a healthy baby being looked after sufficiently. In that circumstance, I’ll have to take the child back with me and put them in foster care until a three-month window has passed. And if the parents are found…”

“I know,” you sigh. “Let’s just get this done as soon as possible.”

The three of you walk into the living to see Neji cradling the pup tightly against his chest.

“Hey Neji,” Naruto greets softly with a sad smile. “I haven’t seen you around for a while.”

Neji tenses upon seeing Naruto.

“Naruto? Why are you here?” Neji clearly misinterprets the situation, holding the pup even more tightly and turning accusatory eyes against you. “Why did you bring him here?”

“I’m here to determine whether the pup was abandoned or kidnapped to the best of my abilities, once we have that done, we can decide how things are going to happen, okay?”

“How do you decide that?” Neji asks with distrustful eyes.

“The medic will give them a check-up, completely routine, I promise,” Naruto speaks with a soft voice like he’s talking to a cornered animal. Well, you look at Neji for a moment who is coiled as tightly as spring, he’s not far off.

It takes about five minutes for you to convince Neji to let go of the pup and hand them to the mednin, and then the next fifteen minutes involve you holding him in your arms to stop him wrestling the pup back from the mednin.

And then, rather ominously, the mednin pulls Naruto aside to talk.

Neji is shaking in your arms.

“It’s okay, calm down, Neji,” you try to comfort him.

“I can’t-“ Neji chokes, hands fisting in your shirt. “He has our pup, you let them take our pup.”

You don’t bother to correct him on his use of ‘our’, knowing it would only upset him more.

“I know baby, but they need to see that they’re healthy, nothing’s wrong, just breathe.”

Neji doesn’t take your advice.

"Last time they took them-"

"This isn't like last time, omega. Come one, try and settle down a little, that's it."

...

Naruto eventually walks back in, holding the pup securely, the mednin nowhere to be seen.

“So,” Naruto says seriously. And then his face breaks out into a wide grin. “Am I right in thinking you want to adopt?”

You can almost feel your relief in the air. Thanking every power that be for this stroke of luck. Losing this pup could have easily meant losing your mate, and the gravity of the situation all comes crashing down at once. Neji looks as though he is feeling much the same.

“Give me them,” he orders, arms out.

“Her,” Naruto corrects. “The mednin said she’s a female alpha.”

Tears start welling up in Neji’s eyes as he takes her. Their bio pup was a female alpha, too.

“Thank you,” he whispers to no one, holding his new pup as tightly as he dared. “I’ve got you now, you’re safe and sound with me, I won’t let anything hurt you ever again.”

Naruto slips out of the house without a fuss, dropping the mednin’s recommendations for feeding the underweight pup on the coffee table.

...

You and Neji take your new pup upstairs and bundle her back into the nest. Neji lays down with her, stroking her cheek as he watches her sleep.

“You need to get some rest too, omega,” you suggest, running a hand down Neji’s back.

“Guard?” he asks in response.

“Yes," you smile at his protective instincts. "I’ll guard the nest while you sleep, I promise.”

“Okay, alpha…” Neji settles down, still with one hand resting on the pup. “But if I don’t wake up when she cries, wake me… I want to be the one to feed her.”

You laugh gently, “Of course, now get some sleep. I’ll guard you both.”

#neji x reader #omega!neji #alpha!reader #alpha reader #a/b/o #omegaverse #tw:grief #reader insert #headcanons #naruto #alpha x omega #gn reader #gender neutral reader

[redrobin-detective]

Ben 10 lore that exists in my heart regardless of canon

- Ben’s personality in his mid-late teens is a mix of his Alien Force and Omniverse self. On the surface, he’s very cheerful and kind even if he is a bit of arrogant showoff. He makes jokes and plays around and acts as if he isn’t bothered by the things in his life. Those who know him best understand a good portion of his outward confidence and cockiness is just a facade to cover up his insecurities and to project the ideal, effortless hero. While sometimes seen as immature, most beings know Ben 10 means business as he takes his unofficial job and people’s safety very seriously. He’s clever, adaptable, charismatic and empathetic which makes him a formidable opponent and a loyal friend. Doesn’t open up easily but if you get to him, he become so dearly attached. 

- Drinks smoothies so much for several reasons. Comfort food go brrr, reminds him of the good easy times with him Gwen and Kev. It’s also a light but generally nutritous food to give him energy for heroing. Anything too heavy and he’ll be puking (both from physical and emotional stress). Though he jokes about his mom’s health foods, his are a crazy concoction of add in proteins and vitamins/minerals bc he knows he’ll out and out collapse without it. (Still has on occasion bc boy still doesn’t eat right/enough)

- While Fame is exciting for him at first he soon begins to detest it. Not the fans, no, he can’t bring himself to hate the people who look up to him. But he hates the constant attention, that he can’t walk outside without being mobbed. the only place he feels safe is his hometown where most people are so used to him and his weirdness that they don’t react much anymore. Takes to wearing a cape and face shield when going out anywhere so he can actually get things done without being recognized and mobbed.

- Part of the reason Bellwood isn’t concerned with Ben is partially because ben’s been weird and alien for as long as they can remember but also many don’t realize how famous/powerful he is. Yeah that’s just Ben Tennyson over there, sometimes he turns into funny creatures- wait what do you MEAN he’s the savior of the universe?? He cried over a spilled smoothie the other day.

- Does mostly online schooling by the time he’s 15. At first he tries to do half day things to maintain something of a normal life but it quickly becomes overwhelming and dangerous him/the school. Finishes his GED early but the Plumbers and Azmuth make him take additional college level and alien courses to prepare him for his future role. Ben gripes but really does love learning all these things, especially on his terms (ADHD and stress + the public school system do not always go hand in hand). He’s a quick learner when he deems the information important and is made accessible to his learning needs.

- Ben definitely has ADHD speaking of which, it was nearly uncontrollable as a child bc his free-spirited parents didn’t believe in medicating. Ben convinced them he needed it and after some trial and error, found meds that worked. As he became more involved in heroics/growing up he had to change his medicine regimen (resulting in him being a bit more off the rails in OV) and needed antidepressants and therapy to manage it better. As an adult he has a whole litany of coping mechanisms (good and bad yes) and regularly checks in with his therapist and doctors to keep things under control. 

- Has a complicated relationship with his necrofriggian children. Considers himself their mother and worries after them. They too feel a connection to their parent despite this being unusual for their species. A few visit (some more than others) while they grow while others maintain distance. Ben never breathes a word of them to the media for fear of them being targeted. Still he keeps an eye on them and ensures all 14 mature to adulthood (another rarity for the species). Checks in every now and again with the ones who don’t want to see him and those that do. Two join the Plumbers and Ben is both proud and worried. His youngest becomes partners with Rook Ben.

- Just in general loves kids, they’re his favorite fans and while he’ll grumble at pushy adult fans he always smiles and kneels down for the little ones. Not so secretly wanted to have children of his own but knew it was a risk overall and used a lot of that energy with mentoring and teaching. Eventually had Kenny later in life (late 30s-40s) and was over the moon, becoming such a loving and doing parent or as much as he could be with his hectic schedule. 

- Omnitrix can’t come off, never has at any point since it first latched onto Ben’s arm. Azmuth tried and failed to get the device off, doesn’t let Ben know for many years as he feared the consequences. The watch loves and protects Ben even beyond it’s programming making him much more durable to damage and releasing energy charges when he’s threatened. Not even removing Ben’s arm would separate them. They’re stuck for life.

- Ben does have Anodite heritage but the Omnitrix actively suppresses it and uses the built up energy to power the transformations which is why ben is mostly unaffected by what should cause a massive energy drain on him. Theoretically if Ben learned to harness and safely use his Mana at an early age like Gwen he would have been fine but letting it build up without safe outlet meant activation would have killed him. Omnitrix Ben, however, went his whole life not knowing of his latent abilities and how the watch saved his life.

- Ben’s eyes get more green and glowy as time passes from the Omnitrix. At first they think its a trick of the light but by the time he’s an adult his eyes are pretty much glow in the dark. His veins light up too after long stretches of using the Omnitrix. Its vaguely unsettling to people who aren’t used to Ben.

- Max and the Earth Plumbers work so, so hard to keep teen Ben on Earth when half the universe is blowing up their comm lines asking for The Ben 10 to help with whatever problem of the day. Ben himself doesn’t quite understand when he’s younger the prestige and expectations on his shoulders. Max throws up a million and one roadblocks so Ben can live as normal a life as possible while he still can. Still, while doing that he Still overloads Ben with expectations and responsibilities on earth and beyond. He becomes a soldier again with Ben as their greatest weapon. He never forgave himself of losing sight of his grandson underneath the hero esp after Ben’s breakdown. 

- Rook partnership with Ben ends not long after Omniverse with his promotion to Magister. Ben tries to play it cool but the thought of another loved one/teammate leaving his tears him apart. Max revealing that Ben most likely wouldn’t get a new Plumber assigned partner since he’s almost an adult and won’t need it and Rook accidentally missing their last smoothie run due to a scheduling mishap causes Ben to snap and have the nervous breakdown that had been building for almost a decade. He completely loses it for a little while and needs to take an extended leave of absence from school and heroics that lasts about a year. Spends time recovering both on Earth and Galvan Prime, does some diplomatic training, learns about aliens, actually confronts the stress and loneliness of his life. He comes out the other side stronger but still fragile and exhausted.

- Ben’s above mentioned breakdown brings him closer to all his friends who didn’t quite realize the extent of Ben’s burden. Rook had been under the impression Ben didn’t like him all that much so the knowledge that his departure was the final straw for friend/hero’s collapse was shocking. Ben and Azmuth also become closer, the Galvan becoming fiercely protective of the boy seeing as his Earth family didn’t do well to keep him safe. It takes years for him to get over his anger at Max for putting so much on his grandchild. Ben makes more friends, in and out of the hero business, finally gets a therapist and gets some of his burdens eased a bit. It’s not a sure fire fix and Ben has several smaller breakdowns the rest of his life but its something.

- Azmuth was straight up suicidal before he met Ben for the first time. Ben gave him back hope for the universe and his ability to create items for peace not weapons. The boy infuriates him, frightens him, frustrates him but Azmuth cannot deny in his heart of hearts that he loves Ben dearly. He’s very upset at Ben’s breakdown and doesn’t know how to handle the worst of the initail outbursts. Azmuth talks Ben down from a suicide attempt. He reaches out to Ben that he Too felt overwhelmed by pressure, thought himself only good for war. Ben’s arrival in his life saved him and now he will do the same for Ben. It’s the first positive step forward in Ben’s recovery.

- For no other reason than I like it, Azmuth primarily refers to Ben as Benjamin (mostly to annoy the kid but he likes the way it sounds too) and Ben in softer, more serious moments. 

- Professor Paradox continues to flit in and out of Ben’s life. He says its because Ben is the most equipped to handle universal peril (true) but he’s also just very fond of the boy. Ben, existing in so many forms and having such importance also exists a beat outside of normal reality which Paradox identifies with. Ben is naturally attuned to time related problems because of this (instantly IDing Spanner as from the future before being told later deducing him to be his unborn son). Plus Ben named him, way back when. He’s just drawn to Ben.

- Adult Ben, while being seen as an impressively skilled fighter and champion, really has his strength as a universal diplomat of sorts. Based out of Earth, he helps mediate and defuse conflicts, advocate against tyranny and overall preserve peace and balance. He’s not perfect, he makes mistakes and sometimes is forced to become violent (and yes kill) but overall is regarded as a peacekeeper, something younger ben simply couldn’t understand. 

- Gwen gets her degree and primarily does work with advocacy and teaching about magic/alien culture. While she and Ben are still close, there’s a bit of a frustrated divide in that she isn’t helping him share the burden of the universe. Gwen never wanted to be a hero and has enough worth to not shackle herself to a job that’ll burn her out. Ben loves heroing but gives too much of himself away trying to fix everything. They get into screaming arguments that it wouldn’t be so bad out there if she just helped him but she refuses to budge and says he shouldn’t make himself do so much. They always make up and thy still are each other’s closest relationships.

- Ben marries Kai in a political move, Kai is Asexual and Ben Aromantic. They didn’t love each other but they got on well enough and Ben was really feeling the stress of carrying the hero burden so Kai also being involved made him feel like he wasn’t alone. Both were also so tired of the universe constantly asking about their love life and said ‘fuck it we’re married leave us alone’. Gwen was always mad about it feeling Ben deserved better but the two of them were happy with it. They had separate rooms, mostly separate lives but they became strong friends and supports with their strictly platonic marriage. They had Ken via Invitro in an incubator and were loving if extremely busy parents. 

- Also from the moment he appeared, Ben knew that Spanner was his future son, Kenny. He played ignorant and then was kind of deliberately teasing him in future encounters. He knew the rules of time and didn’t want to disrupt things further even if he was angry and worried as heck about why Ken felt the need to time travel. When future Ben catches up in the timeline, Kenny gets SUCH a lecture. 

- Ben isn’t quite immortal but he’s also not entirely human anymore either. The Omnitrix not only keeps him safe from most harm but it lightens the effect of aging. Ben 10 is active many, many years when most humans would have been forced to retire. He’s not sure how long the watch will keep him alive and it terrifies him. Gwen too is functionally immortal however she ages like a normal human, then when her natural death came, shed her skin and became a fulltime Anodite. So in the end, it was her and Ben together wondering which of them will die first. Gwen has trouble retaining her humanity as pure energy and swears she’ll let herself fizzle out when Ben goes. When that’ll be however...

#Ben 10 #this took sooo long whoops #i wanna write about ben's breakdown so mad you have no idea