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a-dragons-journal · 3 years

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i dont "kin for fun" but through tiktok i found out about the whole kin for fun vs actual otherkin... situation ig? im having a really hard time taking it seriously... maybe im just burnt out and bitter from dealing with the worlds current events, and maybe its because on tiktok the only people i saw mad about it were white people, but you're the most reasonable person ive seen talking about it (a lot of other posts have this odd tone that 12 year olds on tiktok saying kin is the worlds greatest opression and it weirds me out) so ig my question is just... why exactly does this matter? why does it matter enough to post about and care about and not just ignore? /gen

Hey! I don’t blame you for being a bit weirded out by it, we’re a weird subculture and we’re well aware of it! xD I appreciate you taking the time to actually look into it past your first knee-jerk reaction, especially considering burnout and the state of things.

I’m not totally sure if you’re asking why otherkinity matters or why the “kin for fun” being wrong matters, so I’ll answer both - they’re pretty well tied together anyway.

The short version:

Otherkinity is an identity. It’s who we are, we can’t choose to pick it up or put it down, and it comes with struggles - though no, ‘kin are not systematically oppressed (though we are pretty badly bullied and, at this point, pushed out of our own words and spaces).

What people calling roleplay/relating to/projecting onto characters “kinning for fun” does is steal our words, make them meaningless, and in doing so, make it difficult or impossible for us to find each other. If someone says “I kin [x],” I no longer know whether they mean “I am [x] on an intrinsic level” or “haha I relate to this character a lot”. I no longer know whether they actually share my experiences or if they’re going to turn on me and call me “crazy” as soon as they realize I’m not exaggerating or joking or roleplaying. It’s done massive harm to the community as a whole because it’s become difficult to tell whether someone is actually ‘kin or if they’ve misunderstood the whole thing - and because antikin rhetoric, which I’m seeing more and more in KFF spaces, hurts far more when it’s coming from inside what you thought was a community space than when it’s coming from self-labeled “antikin.”

There are other words for roleplaying and relating to and projecting onto characters. Hell, there are words for strongly identifying with-but-not-as characters/things, though usually KFF people don’t even seem serious enough for those to fit in my experience. I’m really not sure why these people are so determined to steal and misuse our words, words that were specifically created to mean something else, when they already have their own and are just refusing to use them. (Or, hell, if you don’t feel like those fit, make your own. We did. It’s your turn to put in the work. (General you, not you-the-anon, of course.))

An analogy, if that still doesn’t quite land for you:

Consider, for a moment, the transgender community. I am aware this is a dangerous thing to say, but bear with me. Obvious CW for hypothetical transphobia up ahead is obvious.

Consider if you were part of the trans community (I don’t know if you are or not), having finally found a word to explain why you feel the way you do about yourself, why your experiences don’t seem to match up with those of everyone else around you. Having found a community, a home, full of other people like you, people you never would have met if not for words like “transgender” and “gender dysphoria/euphoria” that were created specifically to describe your experiences.

Now consider if people suddenly stumbled across your community for the first time who were not trans themselves. They see community jokes and lighthearted posts out of context, because Tumblr and Twitter aren’t exactly conducive to making sure people find the Transgender 101 information posts first. They don’t bother to do further research, assuming they understand: ah, these people like to crossdress! They like to pretend they’re a different gender! This seems like a fun hobby, I want in!

They begin to post things like this. They post photos of them crossdressing and caption them “hi, I’m [name], and I trans men!” and things of the like. Suddenly the concept of “transing for fun” seems to be everywhere - and it’s not at all what being trans actually is, but these people either don’t know or don’t care. When actual trans people try to politely correct them, they’re accused of “gatekeeping” - and to be clear, this is not “nonbinary people aren’t real,” it’s “transgender means you identify as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth, and you’re self-identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth 100% and telling us this is just a fun hobby for you, therefore you’re not trans, you’re crossdressing or doing drag or being GNC. That’s fine, but it’s not being trans - you have other words to describe that, use those.”

(Yes, I am aware these things have a history with the trans community - please just ignore that for the sake of the analogy and bear with me on the slightly simplified version of this. “Kinning for fun” does not have that same history with the otherkin community.)

...And then the response to those attempted corrections, in some corners, turns into “wait, you ACTUALLY think you’re another gender? idk that sounds pretty unhealthy, maybe you should see a psychologist or something :\” and “you’re taking this too seriously.”

I imagine, in this hypothetical scenario, you’d also be pretty fuckin peeved.

(Obviously, in this hypothetical scenario, systematic transphobia would be an issue as well, which isn’t the case for otherkin - again, you’re gonna have to bear with me on the simplification for sake of analogy there.)

(EDIT: this is not an anti-MOGAI/exclusionist argument, this is “you’re literally telling me you don’t fit the definition,” explanation on that here)

The long version, which is probably still worth reading if you have the time and energy:

Otherkinity is... pretty core to who I am, who we as a group of individuals are. We live with being otherkin on a daily basis. Many of us spent a long time feeling different and disconnected and not understanding why until we found the otherkin community. Even people like me, who don’t share that experience and still had social connection - I’ve still had to live with weird differences that I had to learn to mask when necessary; instincts that don’t line up with human society well, feeling body parts that weren’t there and that no one else ever seemed to have, things that other kids grew out of because it was just make-believe for them and I... didn’t, because it was never make-believe for me to begin with. Oh, sure, I played make-believe too - I played warrior cats and house and all those things with the other kids, but there were things that weren’t play-pretend for me too. I didn’t have an explanation for it for a long time - it was just how I was, I was weird, and fortunately for me personally I was okay with that (many of those with species dysphoria or more trouble connecting with humans have more problems from that than I did).

And then I found the word “otherkin.” And suddenly everything fell into place, and I had an explanation for the things I’d been experiencing, and there were other people like me. Something I’d assumed didn’t exist. I found others who shared my unique experiences, who were talking about how to cope with the instinct to growl or snap jaws at people instead of expressing annoyance in a human way instead of just saying “that’s weird, don’t do that”, who were talking about dealing with phantom wings and tails, who understood me. I wasn’t weird, I wasn’t broken, I was exactly what one would expect from a dragon living in human skin. I found an explanation for myself. I found a home.

That is why otherkinity matters - it is who we are, it’s not something we can walk away from (certainly not most of us, anyway), and it’s something many of us need the support of the community to help deal with on a daily basis. Being a nonhuman in human society isn’t always easy, but it’s not something we can just magically stop being - it’s core to who we are, we (generally) didn’t choose to be this way, and we (generally) can’t choose to stop. Which is fine - the vast majority of us can cope with it just fine, with a little advice and help and space to be our authentic selves in. We found each other, we built this community from the ground up to make a space and words to make finding each other easier - or possible at all.

Thus we come to the second half of our story.

It was only a couple of years ago that the “kin for fun” trend started getting big. It had existed before that, of course, but it only started going mainstream two, maybe three years ago, from what I can tell. Suddenly people were treating “kin” like it meant relating to, projecting onto, roleplaying as, or just really really liking a character or thing - not being that thing, which is what it actually means. Not long after that, it became hard to tell whether someone saying “I kin this” meant they were that thing, that they were actually part of our community - or that they really really liked that thing and either didn’t know or couldn’t be bothered to learn that that wasn’t the case for us.

Not long after that, it became relatively commonplace to hear phrases like “otherkin are ruining kinning!!” and “you’re taking this too seriously” and “idk, if it’s that serious for you that sounds unhealthy. maybe you should get some help :\” (all directly quoted, or as exactly quoted as I can remember, from things KFF people have said to me or people I know).

It is a special kind of hell, I think, to be told “you’re taking this too seriously, that’s unhealthy” by people who are taking words created to describe your experiences, not theirs, and misusing them to mean something that you do for fun on a weekend instead of something that’s intrinsic to your being.

Perhaps more importantly, like I’ve said, it’s making it almost impossible to know whether someone who says “I kin [x]” is actually ‘kin or if they’re misusing our words to mean something else entirely. The entire point of words is to communicate ideas, and once you start misusing words to mean something totally different than what they actually mean, that communication falls apart and suddenly we might as well not have those words at all. Especially when the community is small enough and obscure enough that we’re starting to be outnumbered by the misinformation. We’re being run out of our own words, words we created to describe our experiences specifically - because we’re a small community that the wider internet can easily drown out by sheer numbers of people who either don’t know any better or don’t care to learn.

That’s the harm it does - the harm it is doing, right now. That’s why it’s important enough to post about. That’s why it matters - because we’re fighting desperately to hang onto our own words so that others like us can actually find us. Because we’re seeing young nonhumans go “this isn’t a kin, I actually am this” and screaming “No, I’m so sorry that this is what the misinformation has done to you, that’s exactly what otherkin means, you have a place here, please don’t let these non-’kin misusing our words drive you away from the very community you’re looking for and that you belong in.” Because we can’t even communicate effectively about our own experiences anymore except in semi-closed spaces like Discord servers and forums (and the number of Discord servers overrun with KFF people is absurd).

......This got very long. Hopefully it at least explained why it matters so much to me and others a bit better ^^; Thanks for hearing me out, and thank you again for looking into this beyond your initial knee-jerk reaction - I really do appreciate it.

(For further reading, if that text wall didn’t blow you out of the water completely, I recommend my “kin for fun” tag, which has more posts like this in both short and long form.)

#probably should've put this under a cut but oh well #otherkin #kin for fun #kinnie #kinning #rani talks #asked and answered #anonymous #rani talks A LOT apparently sbfldkngjlksdf #i have a lot of feelings on this #long post

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theyarebothgunshot · 3 years

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sighhhh </3 🐞

welcome to people talk about gish in my inbox: part 3

I can't be the only one having Thoughts about Jensen's arms right now, I know so does Misha - tea anon

oh trust me you are not the only one AND YOU WERE RIGHT lmao he did mention the arms. we love to see it

I get your concerns Rose but I truly think they just miss each other that much. I trust they'll be fine. But I understand you - tea anon, handing a cup of tea

i agree actually i have had some time to think about it and i take it back lmao

Heyyyyyy bestie, I'm so sorry and I'm fully telling on myself here but Jensen and Misha talking about the gray in their beards fully killed me I'm weak, send help

ME TOO I KEEP SAYING IT BUT THEY WERE SO SOFT

Listen I need somebody to ask them about Ojai - tea anon

seriously we need to discuss this lmao

My... My Twitter timeline did a thing where it put a tweet about Jensen's arms and my friend's unrelated tweet about how something's so gay next to each other.

Also Cockles thank you for being such sweethearts.

Sending all the love to Rose and Gunshots nation - tea anon

don't you just love it when the universe lines up like that

WHY ARE THEY LATE AGAIN THEY CAN'T HAVE DISTANCE SEX - tea anon

lmao if only

turns out i can make it cause the thing i had going ended early, i can't wait to see two old men flirt for 30 minutes <3 🐞

this did not age well rip im so sorry <3

that damn sniper got the better of us again, like i’m actually sad :( will we ever know peace? the answer is always no lmao - 🦋 anon

i feel you babe, i felt sad too :( but at least we got to see them flirt!!

Ok so there's a theory that Jensen... misunderstood the timezones.

Ok anyway since I'm here I want to say that Gunshots absolutely doesn't have to post this but I want to give you my take on the opening ceremony situation. J2 stans are going to give us hell for this since it seemed Jensen and Misha didn't realize some things about each other but I think it was something different - I think it was the thing that Rose herself once pointed out about how they like to pretend not to know some things about each other to seem more... distant. The same goes for having not seen each other for a year which could be true but I liked our theory that they actually did. And from what I've heard about that opening (I couldn't see it myself unfortunately) it could be it.

Also a city thing could go for Misha moving a lot, we don't know how often he does that.

But also (bear with me) could be them having their downs during pandemic but I really think they're going to get through it or get it all back.

Also that comment about going grey seems really really inch resting. We've had that. We've had them bein flirty today. We've had Cockles posting at suspicious times. We've had them using the exact wording. We've had them right now wanting to see each other and looking really happy. We've had an interesting reaction about that city thing. We've had Jensen coming to GISH and being an assignment AGAIN, and I don't think Mish would pull this off if they lost touch. We've had them support each other on social media. We've had "Mish. Dee.". We've had an anniversary and I have doubts if they would do that if they felt fallout coming. It all will come together. Trust me. I think we're okay.

I think they'll be okay.

Rose sorry for bringing this back to you - tea anon, sleepy.

thank you for this!! <333 i agree and i really needed to read this

totally basking in the (frankly absurd) level of amused fondness in jensen’s, “ohhh hey, there he is!” — 💖 anon

oh my god yes its so fucking cute!!!

also!! as i was (re)watching the cockles zoom i noticed that the way misha frames his questions is so telling, in a: “here’s this info that i already know, now let me turn it into a question so others can know about it too” kinda way. at first it makes it seem like they haven’t spoken much until you notice that misha starts most of his questions with a statement (like “so you are” rather than “so are you” etc) — 💖 anon

you know what THATS SUCH A GOOD POINT THANK YOU

The more I think about the Cockles panel from yesterday, the more I love it. We got 25min of their small talk and being cute to each other. I have been blessed, my crops have been watered etc.

I would rather have this than a very rushed Q&A and have them struggle to answer things that God knows if they can already answer. Btw if they've rethought that in the last minute, I don't blame them AT ALL. And if it was just Jackles confused by timezones then it's honestly SO freaking funny. Pray harder 4 Jensen, y'all.

Anyway it was a blast and the first of many to come in future cons. Hope you and the other anons liked GISH as much as I did, I'm in it for life now. -🌻

honestly you are right, im gonna rewatch it after answering this and i am sure im gonna love it even more the second time. im so glad you enjoyed gish!! <333

#lady bug anon #tea anon #bestie anon #butterfly anon #sparkly heart anon #sunflower anon

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queenofallwitches · 3 years

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an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

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gayregis · 4 years

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@your tags on the “who the FUCK is Julian” post... you are right and you should say it. I still think that Geralt’s reaction is out of this world hilarious, though, because the guy he has been friends with for 20+ years has just been going around being called after a weed... did he think that was Dandelion’s REAL NAME??? Is he upset that Dandelion never told him his real name, or that other people knew it but he didn’t?? I’m just—(happy birthday, btw!!!!!!!!!)

LOL... when it comes to my headcanons i feel that dandelion tells geralt like a year into knowing each other that dandelion isn’t his real name and geralt is like yeah. I Know. and dandelion is like don’t you want to know my real name? isn’t it interesting to you... and geralt’s like you’re just dandelion to me ... which is representative of how irregardless of how many secrets they share, they understand and trust each other to a point that they Know the other person fully, they know a very authentic and personal side of them that they don’t really show to many other people. geralt doesn’t need to know dandelion’s full story in order to trust and respect him, they’ve had that since day one. even though dandelion’s name is a stage name/pen name, it’s how geralt has always known him, and dandelion has shown him a very personal side of himself that he doesn’t show on stage or in his professional work.

for what they’ve actually shared, i feel that dandelion told him vaguely, through anecdotes, what his background is like, and geralt is smart enough to put the pieces together and understand the concepts of nobility and class, and that’s about as far as they get. we know that dandelion has told geralt some pretty intimate anecdotes like who inspired him to become a poet, at which age, and why, so i wouldn’t be surprised if there were other random stories he recalled from his youth (especially regarding dandelion’s apt memory skills, it’s probably like flicking a switch to get him to remember a scene).

i feel like geralt only begins to feel insecure and upset in lady of the lake regarding dandelion because of dandelion’s close relationship with anna henrietta. dandelion is the “kiss and tell” type, well moreso the “fuck and exaggerate” type, so geralt has had earfuls from dandelion of random tangents about his sex life... this is (un)fortunately canon... so i feel that geralt was just taken by surprise that dandelion never told him about anna henrietta, since he is so boastful. at first geralt is amused, as he speaks to reynart in lady of the lake as they travel to beauclair, but then after geralt actually sees dandelion with anna henrietta and sees what their relationship is like, with dandelion simping very unusually devoted and faithful, it begins to eat at geralt as to why dandelion never told him these details about his escapades in beauclair. it seems to geralt that dandelion intentionally kept a few things from him, rather than just forgot to mention it or it never came up, and it’s not that geralt would disrespect dandelion keeping things from him (dandelion needs to keep MORE things to himself), it’s just... odd.

anna henrietta and geralt simply see dandelion in extremely different manners. to the duchess, dandelion readopted his title of viscount to, ahem, shoot his shot. to geralt, he’s simply the poet dandelion because that’s who he likes to be better than his assigned viscount title, his circumstances of birth. geralt fights with and resists the identity of julian being dominant over that of dandelion when toussaintoirs and the duchess refer to dandelion as “viscount julian,” and geralt refers to him as “viscount dandelion,” going as far as to recognize his title, but not his identity — because he’s never been julian to him, he’s dandelion.

combine this with the fact that geralt knows relatively little about dandelion’s origins of nobility, and anna henrietta, who is a duchess, can relate and understand this nature of dandelion more than he can. it’s something that geralt has no ability to compare with — he doesn’t have a noble background at all (he has a false title, one made real after the battle of the bridge, but a false one originally), usually pretty much feels uptight around nobility, and has no money or luxuries to provide dandelion with (something dandelion is fond of). he’s a witcher, his job is that of vile depths and killing, his trade is dangerous and repulsive. so for geralt it becomes more about, the duchess may be better for dandelion than him in relation to security and shared interests, but her love for him is fleeting and is not the 20+ years of intimacy that they have had.

it’s less about knowing every single aspect of dandelion, but the fact that he’s now faced with the idea of dandelion leaving his side to stay by another. what geralt fails to realize of course is that dandelion has stayed with him for so many years, and through the aforementioned vile witcher work, that that demonstrates real devotion, commitment, and love that doesn’t just fade away at the stroke of midnight. but he’s afraid that maybe he’s completely misunderstood dandelion, that those years of closeness have actually meant nothing, and that his true nature is that of his origins, not to be with geralt suffering of hunger by some coast.

(and thank you for the bday wishes!! i had a great day and im ending it with another one of my favorite activities which is answering asks lol)

#ask #anon #gerlion #dandelion #geralt #lady of the lake #anna henrietta

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wndrlstvbz · 6 years

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Heart Of Gold

request summary: shawn notices a new therapeutic staff support in his 4th grade class for a girl with anger issues. He falls for how playful and patient she is with her. It was time for recess and a loud argument ensues between two large 6th grade boys. Shawn sprinted to break up the fight but the TSS quickly defused the situation by talking it with the boys. Her demeanor change from gentle to assertive and he finds that sexy and a turn on. Please and thank you!

a/n: you guys im loving these requests so feel free so send as many as you’d like much love xx

I was late and already on my second cup of coffee in the hopes I can drink the exhaustion away. Last week Ashley, a little girl in my third period who transferred from another school, got the third helper to quit. The school implemented a system for kids with mental illnesses or anger issues and Ashley scared off the people assigned to her faster than she could lose her temper. I’ve been up all week trying to find a way to explain the subject to her in a way that wouldn't end up in her throwing her book at me. I rush into the teachers lounge so I can talk to Ashley’s new helper before class starts.

“Mr. Mendes?” I spin around to meet the voice and my breath hitches in my throat. God. She’s beautiful. I regain my composure and try my best to look professional, “That’s me, and you must be Ms. Y/l/n. Its a pleasure to meet you.” She reaches out to shake my hand and I’m surprised at how gentle her touch is, “Pleasures all mine, so I have Ashley’s records and I just wanted to ask if she really threw her book at the last assistant.” I chuckled and nodded, “It’s her signature move, but you’ll be fine, if you just ignore her fits she usually gives up after a while, if all else fails just take her out of the room.” She send me a confused look but shakes her head and smiles, “Sounds good then, I’ll see you in a few Mr. Mendes.” I can't help but notice how even her voice saying my name is angelic. “Oh god no, just call me Shawn, Mr. Mendes makes me feel old.” Her laughter seems to make the room brighter and she waves a good bye before leaving. “Well then be sure to call me Y/n”. I’m already counting down the hours till third period.

Ashley skips into the room and I pull Y/n to the side before she can even make it through the door, “How’s everything been so far? Are you okay? Were any objects thrown at you?” She raises an eyebrow at me, “Of course I’m good, that precious girl doesn't have a bad bone in her body, she just has trouble talking about how she feels is all, don’t worry about me love, I’ll be alright.” I watch her head to Ashley's seat in the back and turn to the board to hide my flushed cheeks. She is definitely out of this world. I start my lesson and I can see in Ashley’s face she's struggling, she starts balling her fists and I know she’s about to burst. I have everyone start their worksheets and I walk over to her desk and kneel next to her, “Is everything okay Ashley? Anything you don't get?” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. “I DON’T GET EVERYTHING! ITS ALL TOO HARD! YOU’RE A TERRIBLE TEACHER! I HATE THI-” I’m caught off guard and stand up and take a couple steps back but Y/n just crouches down and has Ashley turn her way.

“Hey hey hey, Ash, Its okay, remember what we talked about, how would grandma handle this? Try and think like grandma. Breath in and out and point to what you’re not getting.” Her voice is so soothing and calm that Ashley stops immediately, I watch with wide eyes as she looks down at her lap, “Sorry Ms. Y/n, grandma wouldn't yell like that, It’s just that I don’t get how to multiply the bigger numbers. They get too jumbled up.” Y/n lifts her chin up and gives her a high five, “I’m proud of you okay, and grandma would be too, now maybe Mr. Mendes can show you a way to make it easier.” I grab a sheet from my desk and write out some tips and tricks for her to try and I stand with Y/n in the back while she works the problems out. “How’d you do that? It was like magic, no one has ever gotten her to cooperate like that.” She just looks down at her lap then Ashley with sad eyes, “Her grandmother died a couple weeks before she started lashing out, I sat her down to talk about it and she just misses her a lot, says her grandma was the sweetest lady in the world. I figured if she tried to act like her she’d calm down easier. She’s just misunderstood, I’m sure with time she’ll be as happy as can be.” I gaze down at her, “At least now I know who to call when I'm stressed or mad.” She scoffs and hits me playfully. I really hope she sticks around. I feel happier I’ve ever felt before around her.

Its been a couple weeks and the teachers lounge is buzzing with the newest gossip, that the new helper converted Ashley ‘the devil’ Brown into everyone’s favorite student. I cant help but smile to myself at the difference she’s making with everyone. For the first time in months, Ashley even has friends to sit with at lunch. She even told me last month that I should ask Y/n out because she looks at me the way her dad looks at her mommy, needless to say she’s my favorite student too. The whole school loves the woman and I feel like I do too.

I’m on my way to lunch duty and I see her pushing some of the girls on the swings. I try my hardest not to stare but she’s wearing that yellow sundress that brings out her eyes and her smile is so mesmerizing and I give up on pretending I’m not staring. I’m heading to the cafeteria when I hear shouts and shrieks in the field. I drop my lunch and run out to find two boys from my fifth period at each other’s neck, I recognize one of them as one Y/n’s kids. “Daniel James get off of him this instant!”

The kids turn to the voice and Daniel jumps off like he had touched a snake. I stop and see Y/n rushing towards the scene. “Daniel what do you think you’re doing?” I’m taken aback by how firm her voice tone is and the kids are too. “I-Im sorry Ms. Y/n, he was making fun of me! I shouldn’t have done it. I-I’m really really sorry!” Her glare softens and she nods turning to the other boy, “And what do you have to say for yourself Jonah?”. The little boy glares right back at her and she realizes being soft won’t work on this one. “He’s the one who hit me first so I don’t know why I’m getting in trouble lady, plus it’s just a joke.” She puts her hands on her hips and raises an eyebrow at him. I’m just now noticing that I’ve never seen this version of her before, she’s always been soft and loving, but this dominative side is something I didn’t expect. Not that I’m complaining. I wonder how she’d be in bed though, I mean with that body... I cant believe I’m surrounded by little kids and having these kind of thoughts about her. What is wrong with me.

“I can always have the principal tell you why if you’d like. I doubt he’d find your joke too funny. Now I suggest you apologize before you end up spending your next lunch helping clean the courtyard.” The boy quickly mutters a sorry and she dismisses everyone after talking with both boys separately. She drags her way to me takes a seat on the bench, “I didn’t know you had that in you, I thought it was all rainbows and love in your world.” She chuckles and rolls her eyes, “Real funny, I can get down to business when I have to, I’m full of surprises trust me.” I glance down at her, “You’ll have to tell me more about them.” She looks up and licks her bottom lip and smirks, making my whole body go crazy, “How about over coffee?” My eyes are stuck on her lips and all I can do it nod. She scoots a bit closer to my side and her voice is soft as she whispers, “Can’t wait to see what surprises you have in store too, Mr. Mendes.”

I watch her walk off back into the school and I bite my lip and grab my stuff to head back for duty. She has me wrapped around her finger. Her and that heart of gold.

#in love with yalls requests #keep sending me them plz #teacher!shawn has my heart now #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes oneshot #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes #shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes x you #shawn mendes imagines

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spotlightsaga · 7 years

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Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… 13 Reasons Why (S01E10) Tape 5 Side B Airdate: March 31, 2017 @netflix Ratings: (Streaming) @13reasonswhy Score: 7.75/10

***********SPOILERS BELOW**********

If everything affects everything, then we are to be held responsible for our actions big and small, no matter what the outcome… No matter if it kills someone, or leaves them with with a red slap mark on their face, or a longing for your touch. I think there are some very interesting points raised here, and I definitely think Carl Franklin was the man for the job. There’s no reason for me to go on about the director selection, as I’ve been focusing on it for quite some time, especially after Alvarez had his little breakdown on twitter. I’m here to watch a television show about extremely sensitive subjects, critique it, enjoy what I can, and see how each player in the game can relay that ‘for every action there’s a reaction’… Not everyone is suited to make these points, but since Araki and Franklin have taken over, I’ve found myself really enjoying '13 Reasons Why’. Oh, and I’m extremely excited to see what Oscar Winner Jessica Yu has store in for us. I think she can work magic with this writing team, who before E7 went largely misunderstood. If a director has a problem with me saying that, then i welcome their discussion. I’ve watched some of these episodes carefully, sometime twice, and I’m well versed in breaking down television from top to bottom. You see many of us have different views on suicide. Some of us are educated in psychology, sociology, behavioral sciences, etc… Some of us have lived these things first hand, and some of us both… Some of us are born with intuition, an empathy radar that was honed and perfected by our peers, our environment, and individual experiences. What I’ve noticed the most is that no matter what opinions we are sharing, or what we don’t agree with, we all have a deep respect for each other’s perspectives… Even if we don’t agree. That’s a beautiful thing, and as much as 2016 felt like we fell back a bit and let ourselves become separated, the conversations Im having with people about these topics feel like in 2017 we are moving forward stronger and more hand in hand than ever before. We have to.

I have a specific story that relates to the topic at hand… But I’m going to continue to hold the big one back… People might get angry for me sharing it, but I don’t fucking care. I write for me, and I write for anyone out there who connects with what I’m saying, who understands my perspective and somehow that makes it easier on them, somehow knowing that they aren’t alone… I write under a nom de plume, but I write real life experiences and tie them into storylines, and my aim is to tell my stories through the worlds obsession and love with media, not to hurt anyone. Cuz guess what? There have been some serious mistakes I’ve made in my life and they have caused others pain, and there have been things other people have done and they have caused me pain. This is the way of the world people. The best thing we can do is open up and talk about it, stop history from repeating itself. Try to understand what makes each other tick.

I think Carl Franklin and the writers did a great job with this one, showing us that you never know what decision you are going to make today out of fear, or not giving a fuck, or whatever it may be, and what effect that decision might have… It all feels less melodramatic, unlike the series low (Tape 3, yes YOU, Alvarez. Hopefully you can redeem it E13, and if you do I will say that you did)… Its starting to pick up an electric current and instead of placing blame everywhere and on everyone, we’re seeing that as a society we just need to be more self conscious. Easier said than done right? For sure.

Jessica is unraveling fast… First it was Justin, now it’s Jessica who realizes the more she isn’t numbing herself, the more the people she has surrounded herself with are people that would rape her while she sleeps and lie to her about it… Because (and I’m not quoting, but I swear this is exactly the quote that Justin’s brain has prepared), 'Its just easier for everyone’. We can crucify Justin all we want (and humans love to point the fn’ finger right? Assign blame, and then we call move on). Truth is, Bryce is the big bad dog and Jessica was the price to stay in his yard. All the Jessica’s I know are survivors, so Bryce better watch himself. See all these glocks? Aren’t they absolutely beautiful?!

Welcome one, Welcome all… Welcome to growing up in the United States Of America. The sun is shining, everyone is just fine, ignore all the heroin & Fentanyl, pain medications, depression, unemployment, campus rapes, racial tensions, bigotry, hate crimes, the disappearing middle class, and (of course) that big hole where that stop sign used to be. Secrets? Why we have no secrets here and if there are the government has a damn good reason, right?!? You get me… Ignore Assange, Ignore Snowden, Ignore Chelsea Manning. Everything is FINE! I’m sorry, I don’t know these words… Benghazi, Russia, Syria. Iraq. Never of heard of such things. Carry on… And change the goddamn tape! You’re up, Clay.

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natekekelik-blog · 5 years

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Blog 3

Nathan Kekelik

Professor Barber

Interpersonal Communications

15 April 2019

Blog 3

This week of class was very different in comparison to all the other weeks. We started the chapter presentations and got through two groups. My group was the first group to go and went on Tuesday. The second group presented the following class. There was a lot of different things I learned within week 3. The main things I learned and can connect to my daily life is as follows: different public speaking skills, perception checking, working with different types of people to get a project done, and more.

I am starting to learn and notice that public speaking is a skill that only get better with practice. If someone were to tell me i was going to have to give a 30 minute presentation before the interpersonal communications class started, I prolly would have freaked out. After doing a couple small speeches about my life and got comfortable, I realized that public speaking is not the worst thing in the world. I began to reflect back on why and what would cause me so much stress from them. I think the idea of saying the wrong things, spacing out and forgetting everything, or something along those lines is deep down everyone's fear. Now i realize all that could easily be avoided. Days before i had to give the speech i made sure that i knew exactly what i was going to talk about. This alone eliminates a lot of that fear. I practiced saying it outloud or in my head randomly throughout the days before the speech. This gave me the confidence I needed to not be nervous while walking up to the front of the class. Not only this, but i also learned that before presenting, i must check every possible thing that could go wrong; just to make sure it doesn't. Unfortunately i learned this the hard way. We forgot to check the volume of the computer before presenting. So when we started playing the videos, it was very hard to hear and caused us to panic. We soon fixed the problem, but it could have easily been avoided. Finally, I learned that I have to speak up when during a group presentation. Yea it would be nice to let the outgoing people speak all the time, but that just reflects poorly on myself. I realized that all the days i spent practicing was time wasted as i did not show my intelligence about the subject. Next time giving a speech with a group, i will have to stand my ground and make sure i come across and an expert on the matter that im presenting.

This week i also learned about the importance of perception checking. I never realized how important this was. Now that i take a step back and see, it is apart of every single interaction with family, friends, and coaches. There are so many different ways a message could be misunderstood. Although there may be a lot less miscommunications with people i interact with on the daily, it is a very important skill to have when dealing with everyone. Something as small as a tone of voice could have a completely different meaning when taken out of context. Just by noticing the behavior, comprehending it as two or more possible meanings could make the world of difference. Although a lot of people do not like to deal with confrontation, just by asking for a deeper explanation of the action could save one’s reputation, first impression, or future conflicts. There are alot of other factors such as nonverbal actions, cultural rules, and previous encounters with a person that could impact an action. That is why i realized it is better to be safe than sorry and just asking for clarification. Before I learned about this, i had an incident on the soccer team with my coaches. Freshmen were assigned to bring all the equipment needed out for practice (cones, balls, goals, and bibs). As a freshman i completed the duties assigned and went to practice. During practice we noticed that there was no water bottles to drink from after each drill. The coaches explained that having water bottles was apart of our duties even though it was not mentioned to us. If i were to have noticed the importance of this checking skill earlier, we would not have ran into that inconvenience. I would have double checked with the coaches exactly what they meant by equipment.

Finally, I learned that working with a group of strangers for the first time usually requires sacrifice for the greater good. My group wanted to get a head start on the project, which i thought was a great idea so we did not have to cram. They were set on having meetings on Friday and Saturday nights. Personally, I would have like to meet earlier in the day so I can relax and hang out with friends at night. Of course I was not going to say, so i looked at the bigger picture and accepted that it would not be a big deal to miss out hanging with friends. Although it was hard to stay focused on a friday night, our group was able to accomplish a lot. This taught me alot about working with groups. I learned that everyone has their own perception of getting things done early. I saw their perspective of why they wanted to get a jump start on a friday instead of taking a few days off from school and coming back to it. I realized that all the information we were going to talk about was fresh in our minds so it would only make sense to do it as soon as possible. It was an interesting experience that i will not forget for future projects.

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