#but now there’s a lot of irl friendships that feel as unstable as i felt at that time. and so now the song means something to me directly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

paxny · 2 years

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1, 8, 9, 18, 19, 20, 26 for the top gun ask thing!

So I totally had to sit and stare at this in my inbox for a hot minute and digest the fact that it exists. Like, low-key tumblr still boggles my mind- some of my posts here have more notes than the number of likes I get on other platforms from people I know irl. It's weird. I love it. Anyway, super excited to play!

1. Who’s your favorite character & why are they your fave?

I'm really really obsessed with Iceman and Maverick. Not sure I could choose a single favorite character when they exist together. I love their dynamic, I love how deep both of their characters are, I love them individually but also how it feels like they complete each other. I absolutely ship them romantically, but even from a platonic viewpoint they're inseparable to me. (That probably answers other questions better than this one but) I'm also a literal goner for Rooster.

8. What would your callsign be?

I don't really know yet, honestly that question has been consuming a lot of my thoughts. Probably something completely lame and not cool. Most likely relating to my clumsiness, or one of my silly childhood nicknames. My mom used to call me Birdie and Squirrel, and sometimes she now (affectionately) calls me Creature when I do something silly/weird. I did take the funny little quiz that the movie's Insta account posted, and came up with "Colt" as my result (strangely fitting considering I was the Horse Girl...I was amused at least) but idk how accurate that is... If I come up with something cool I'll let you know? I will totally accept ideas and suggestions XD (my friend @brackish-kraken has been dragged into brainstorming with me since I started typing this up...so far they have come up with" Bobcat", "Alice", "Chipmunk", and various plays on my nickname [Rae>>"Rabies" ]. I hate that one, but that prob means that's actually what it would be.)

9. What’s your favorite scene in either movie?

The beach scenes. Absolutely the beach scenes. Also every time a Bradshaw makes a sarcastic remark under their breath/as an aside. And the scene at the end of TGM where Mav and Rooster steal the old F-14. have you figured out how indecisive I am yet?

18. Would you be a pilot or a RIO/WSO? If you’d be a pilot, would you work alone or have a RIO/WSO? If the latter, who would your RIO/WSO be? If you’d be a RIO/WSO, who do you want your pilot to be?

I think I'd be a pilot if only because I'm pretty sure I'd be a terrible backseat driver. I would probably go out of my mind if I was just along for the ride. I'm torn about having a RIO/WSO. I long for the kind of bond that we see between them and their pilots, and I would feel safer and more grounded with someone with me as a team. But also I would be terrified something would happen to them because I made a mistake.

19. What do you wish you’d see more of in Top Gun fandom

I would love to see more fanart, I'm an absolute sucker for fanart. I also am literally addicted to whump-y fics, and I've read a ton of great ones for these fandoms, but I'm rather insatiable. AUs and tropes that really hurt my favorite characters, and delve deep into what makes them tick, before slowly helping them heal and giving them a happy (usually) ending *chef's kiss* Hanahaki aus, arranged marriage aus, all the hurt/comfort, soulmates, pining, angst, whump, non-traditional a/b/o. Please just give me all the fics that will make me cry, they're so beautiful and powerful, and these characters would suit them so well.

20. Is there anything you’d delete from canon?

Besides the obvious fix-it-fic line of thinking where I don't let Goose die? I would erase Charlie and Maverick's romantic relationship. I really didn't like it that much, I was much more invested in other relationships and friendships. I felt like theirs was unstable and rushed, and unnecessary to the plot. I think they would've made better flirty bffs. That's just me though.

26. What’s your favorite line from the movies?

"You can be my wingman anytime" "Bullshit. You can be mine" also a number of others from both movies, but that's what came to mind first.

#@the-hard-deck #top gun #top gun: maverick #ask game #icemav #pete maverick mitchell #tom iceman kazansky #bradley rooster bradshaw #nick goose bradshaw #charlie blackwood #im literally so indecisive #im sorry i didnt mean to ramble on that much #im so obsessed #top gun movie #this was really fun #we should do it again sometime #wingmen

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fleshmechsystem · 4 months

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Vent post

CW: depression and self harm

Tl;dr: I am conflicted with living, trusting my parents was a mistake.

I'm struggling.

Cal here, just a bit of update regarding... Well me.

Trusting my parents was definitely a mistake. I regret believing them. Sure they love me but they're a load of bullshit.

Basically, the promise of them changing and improving is basically null. The "changes" they did was basically null.

They still acted upset when I was actively having an episode during our trip somewhere, granted I was being a dick but at the same time I literally have so much in my mind, about how terrible people are that they basically proved my point by acting like me, a person suffering from a bunch of issues, gets told I should be choosing times when I quote on quote "emotions" because it'll just make things worse for everyone...

I genuinely felt betrayed lol. That I was proven right about having trust issues. This is what trust does to you. This is what people can do.

But at least on the nice side of people, my friends irl and some headmates have been supportive towards me despite basically doing not so nice things to the body when I found out it was overweight.

Still. I'm starting to feel better but I'm still in the melancholy scale of both depression and optimism right now which is right in the middle.

Never trust people that claim to be better if they refuse to understand your struggle with your own emotions. They'll only make your trauma worse.

Those exact same words were the reason why I even fear abandonment and burned bridges. I left so many groups of friends, I ghosted a bunch over the years because of the creeping fear that me opening up and revealing I'm weak caused me to do these.

I'm no longer struggling with my past. I'm struggling with my present, because I do want to live, I want to be happy to be with people that are patient with this part of me. But part of me wants to end it all in 3 years.

Instead of dying to 30, why not 22?

Less problems for me. Less issues.

I can't also just fuse with someone if I want to because I'm unstable and I've been told it's a bad idea by someone within our system. Hell, I even got to talk to a member of a sub system somewhere around the headspace.

Part of me just wants to disappear entirely. Because I already did what I could to protect someone back then.

Even when I found out I was always around. That I'm not traumgenic. I still don't want to exist anymore. I've endured so much that I feel like I'm beginning to develop narcissistic tendencies due to the loneliness I get when I have no one to talk to.

I'm not a good person either. I have value to people but I never remember the reasons why.

Honestly I might even pick up smoking or vaping but of course someone said, that's a bad fucking idea, and they're right.

But y'know? Just hugging someone and talking while we're in bed helps a lot. Of course I feel bad. They picked me. All three of them as their partner and decided to... Care for me despite everything I've done.

It's just weird. I know I'm deserving of these relationships, both friendship and romantic after going for years being alone.

Years of talking to "myself".

I'm just not sure honestly. I'm both happy with some things in life and upset with others.

I love Riley, Jack and Yuma a lot.

We've... Only been together for like a couple of months, sometimes we argue, sometimes I do something hurtful unintentionally... But.

Then I learn that despite all our faults and mine. I still love them. Despite the flaws they start to show, the insecurities they all have... I still love them.

I wanted this feeling for years, the feeling of loving someone to make them as happy as you could. I'm a terrible partner but... Of course they understand why I am the way I am and be patient with me even when I'm not all there due to my persisting delusions of being abandoned, mocked or hated.

I'm just conflicted with living.

Wouldn't dying be easier? But wouldn't it be also painful for people that gave a shit?

I just... Don't know.

-Cal

#blog #plurality #vent post

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solsticesystem · 3 years

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My mother abused me my entire life; physically, verbally, emotionally, etc. She’s a manipulator, and a gaslighter, and I never expected her to change. I still live at home with her. However, recent events have me feeling just as terrified and powerless as I did as a kid.

My neighbor abuses her daughter who’s about 16. I’ve known about this abuse for some time now, mostly because of phone calls I overhear. I told my mother repeatedly not to get involved, but she INSISTED. Over the course of a year or so I’ve been hearing my mother egg on my neighbor (I’ll call her Yellow) to abuse her daughter more. For a long time I just wanted to ignore it, and didn’t want to get involved as I didn’t want to re-traumatize myself. I knew my mother would shit talk with Yellow about the daughter but I didn’t know it would get so bad. Recently my mother has tried involving me in little ways into the situation. Talking loudly on the phone about it, forgetting to turn it off speaker, bringing it up to complain about during meals, etc. The things she says, are a lot of the same things she said about me while I was growing up. Hurtful, ignorant ideas. My other neighbor (call her Blue) has been extremely supportive of the daughter, and Blue and my mother used to be best friends. But because Blue wants to protect a minor, my mother broke off this 20-something year friendship.

My mother talks about the abuse situation happening around the block like she’s watching a fucking soap opera. She eggs on Yellow to abuse her daughter, gives her advice on how to do it better. This week, after a phone call with my mother, Yellow kicked her daughter out. The daughter went to Blue’s house, and before I know it — I’ve been sent pages of texts in a group chat from Blue to my mother, father, and I. Blue called out my mother in text, said how she really felt about the situation. She then continued by describing a shit ton of abuse that has happened to the daughter that I won’t get into. I feel completely destroyed.

The phone calls I’m forced to overhear, the “drama” my mother brings up, and reading these texts has led me to spiral quite quickly. I’ve been burdened by heavy flashbacks for the past week and my headmates won’t stop talking over one another. No one in my system can get back into order. I feel lost, and really powerless. The same person that abused me has gone forward and helped tear apart another family. All while I just stood there and watched. I tried convincing my mother to stay out of it, but I didn’t want to push the conversation too far out of fear of being punished. I’ve always been terrified to criticize my mother, lest I be kicked out too. I’m completely powerless to the situation and am unable to stop it from happening. I’m disgusted in myself, angry at my mother, depressed, etc. So many conflicted feelings.

I hope the daughter is safe at Blue’s house, I have a feeling she will be. But, my mother has just aided in the abuse of another child. One that’s not even her own.

The past 2 nights my thoughts have become very sloppy. It’s obvious the situation has triggered me deeply, but I’m not too sure how to react to these thoughts. I have these desires to be sloppy; to act more unstable in the hopes my mother will go back to abusing me. I want to be in therapy, not because I want help but because I want the attention I crave. I want a therapist to tell me that I’m a bad and unstable person, and that I deserve to go into inpatient again. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this.

Anyway, sorry for such a long rant. I’m not re-reading this for spelling or grammar errors. I’ve no one to talk to IRL and just needed to get this out somehow.

#alters #traumagenic system #mental health #dissociative identity disorder #solsticesystem #actually dissociative #dissociatice identity disorder #dissociative disorder #ptsd #cptsd #child abuse #tw: abuse #abuse #headmates #depression #trauma #what would you do?#need advice #and a therapist.

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scummy-writes · 5 years

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Stupid and Sappy post

*waves hands* It’s time for Scum to say bye to MM under the cut! (This is very stupid jhfbjhf)

I can already feel people rolling their eyes at me for this, especially folks who keep like, vague tweeting me and shit over my opinions about this game, but guess what bitch is gonna write this anyway! Me! sfbjhdf

(This post is going to be incoherent at places, like as I am as a person, but also! I talk about heavy subjects like suic*de, so if that gets to you, please don’t read!)

To start it off seriously: even though recently I’ve had a lot of issues over this company with their lack of warning over heavy triggering content, and their very blatantly bad customer service, I still love the original game a lot. Not in the “Oh this plot is beautiful” way, but like. This game helped me at a time when I was extremely lonely, and was dealing with a lot of heavy shit at home.

If you guys have followed me since the beginning, you know know I started this blog just a few months after downloading this game. Like riiight at the beginning of Jan 2017, I made my first post on here- this blog is two years old! I started out as a HC blog and stayed that way for a while, and I think after I hit 1k followers I finally brought up the fact that I had an AO3 account- and folks realized I had started writing fics in oct 2016 for this game! So, a lot of people know that, wow! This game inspired me a lot creatively and helped me hone my writing skills a bit more after a while not being in a writing class! (And yes, my early fics I absolutely refuse to look at because I hate how I used to write JHBJSBFS).

What a lot of folks don’t know, is that at the very beginning of august, I had gotten out of a ward after coming very close to doing something pretty bad to myself.

Granted, I didn’t have to stay in there long- I had put myself in there so I could also leave whenever I wanted (as long as the docs deemed me safe to leave as well) but I kept myself in there for a good bit so I could do a lot of critical thinking and not stress so much about my job at the time.

Afterwards, I got out, while I wasn’t still at That Point, I was still struggling pretty bad mentally. Home life was rough, my mom was battling with a terrible boyfriend at the time that lived with us, and I was still dipping back into some pretty bad thoughts.

Then, a friend I’ve had for a while now, introduced me to this game! And, well, I already covered that it helped me a lot in the creative process, but it also helped distract me a shitton from the bad home life I had.

A lot of people probably also remember that a month after having this blog up and running, my mom tried killing herself.

Everything is still really vivid in my memory about that- because like. So many things could have gone wrong. My little brother could have fallen asleep earlier before he found her, I could have picked up that extra hour for my shift at work, this, that- but long story short she’s still alive.

But it was a terrible year for me. Probably, arguably, all of 2017 was the worst year I’ve had in my life so far. So many things happened with my mother, she was mentally unstable, and after a lot of threats against me I even had to move out until she was more stable and, you know, not threatening to hurt me/break my shit.

And, a lot of you know, while I was constantly dealing with my own mother threatening me and trying to disown me, I was also being harassed on a constant basis over juz*n bullshit. Words cannot describe how laughably stupid that whole situation was, but it was completely, utterly, ridiculous bullshit.

Add that onto me dealing with the IRL struggles with my mom, some of which are somewhat starting to repeat even now- to the point where I’m going to be moving out again soon- well. Shit! It sucked, lol. It sucked a lot, and there were many times where I wish I was back in the hospital or worse.

But, and yes I’m gonna say exactly what yall are expecting, again- this game helped me out a lot. I constantly felt alone and worthless- my own mother was abandoning me- and these voiced sprites made me feel less alone. Gave me the attention I wish I had IRL.

And, well, a lot of my 2017 year is easy to summarize. Constantly harassed, bullied, and dealing with stupid fandom wank. But, also, filled with wonderful messages and support from you guys.

I’ve preached before how follower counts are ridiculous to base your self worth on- and yes I still agree to that, please don’t base your self worth on follower counts. Or anyone’s! - but some of you have literally followed me since the beginning, or for a Very Long Time, if not. I may be terrible with names, but I still recognize you guys and all the kind words you’ve sent me, and I hope you guys know you helped just as much as MM was helping me.

I’m getting incoherent, but a lot of what I’m trying to say is that, this game has helped me out a shitton. That’s probably why I get so vocal about issues concerning the company- not out of a sense of ‘they owe me’ (they owe me absolutely fucking nothing), but just. It sucks seeing a game that used to be so wonderful in its prime, go so fucking downhill so fast. Customer service used to be wonderful, I remember accidentally putting down my old address for the VIP package and messaging them right after I ordered explaining I needed a change of address, and a Live Person getting back to me within the hour and fixing the issue.

Comparing that with, you know, the Four Fucking Months it took to speak to Someone Successfully about the saeran daki bullshit- then you know...Well, yeah you guys know, I’ve went off about it before.

Now it’s apparent that they’re more money hungry, with how you had to pay 900+ hgs with the recent AE stuff with V, and...hoo boy, I’m sure everyones heard enough at this point.

So, backtracking a bit because I’m chugging coffee and all incoherent, this game has brought in a lot of positives in my life. You guys, healthier distractions than what I used to do to myself, friends, creative outlets being brought back to life again. I think thats why I get so upset at the fandom, at people snapping at me for not liking some of the recent things cheritz has done- people fucking vaguetweeting me, for fucks sake, and getting so personally angry at me over how I got upset at Cheritz. Like, I’m not shitting yall, I literally lost friendships over my opinions on cheritz.

And it sucks! Not gonna lie, like it sucks because it’s so fucking stupid. But then you take a look into the fandom- with the ongoing and constant harassment over contributors in charity zines, constant harassment over people if they like a character you don’t or vice versa, the harassment against artists concerning repostings or, god forbid, them drawing a ship you dislike- and it’s just.

How did a game, focusing on the message of how kindness and patience can help out in so many ways, create this rabid fucking fandom?

Even content creators fight against each other. I cannot explain the bullshit I’ve seen over people being mad that they’re not on someones personal “recommended blogs to follow!” lists, over people going out of their way to harass folks because they didn’t make it on a zine, over people trying to use a follow count over why they’re much better than so and so- It’s just...Bad. All of it.

And, well. Combine Cheritz rapidly making their own game worse, in ways we all have heard about me (or others) complain about, and this terrible fandom, I think that perfectly explains why I’m uninstalling and pretty much being done with the fandom once the other stuff I’m involved in finishes.

This game brought a lot of happiness for me, and even with my recent grievances with this game, it (laughably) hurts to uninstall it. I know its ridiculous, god trusT ME i know, but it still sucks saying goodbye to something I still love, but can’t stand being around anymore. At this point, the fandom feels like an abusive ex-friend/whatever and the game used to be what good the ex had left. And now that thats getting worse...orz

I’ll always treasure the doors this game opened up for me- how it allowed me to meet amazing people, some of which I can happily say are my friends, and how it helped me become creative again, how I’ve been able to be on zines to help charities, and how I’ve been blessed to hear my writing impact people in positives ways- but here’s my sappy goodbye while I try to scrapbook the positive memories and bury the negative ones in upcoming therapy session.

If you read this far- bless yoooooou I know I sound like the damn. Crazy image of the dude with papers pinned to the wall, but I hope I made some sort of sense. Thank you!

#scum talks

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