i crave the emotional catharsis that would come with crowley taking care of his plans, in so much pain but swallowing it down and pretending it's not real, finally having the mental breakdown he deserves.
he's taking care of his plants, a detached look on his face, misting them and making sure they're all healthy and have enough space to grow. after he returned, he stopped talking to them for the most part. they welcomed him back, they had missed him—shax is not the nicest or most interesting company to keep—and now they're worried.
crowley sleeps, paces, mists his plants, gets drunk, and sleeps some more. everything to stop feeling. until he sees a leaf spot on one of them. a tiny imperfection, barely worth a shout, and yet.
a tremor works it way through him, his knees always giving out, and he presses one palm against the wall to keep himself upright. wave after wave of shame, bright and stabbing in the middle of his chest, reminds him why he left.
not good enough.
crowley had tried, someone knows he tried. it's hard to regain a soul, harder yet to shape it into something worth loving, someone worth living for, but he had tried.
his fingers curl around the pot and before he can stop himself he flings it across the room, listening to it shatter. can't even do that right, can he? can't raise fucking plans, can't keep his STUPID mouth shut, can't make him stay because who would want to be stuck with him forever? no one, that's who, and after six thousand years, aziraphale had seemingly reached his blessed limit and taken the first chance to leave.
another plant follows with a scream, dirt and broken stems covering the floor and staining the walls, and then another and another and another until he can fall to his knees amidst the ruins of his life.
clay shards are cutting his palms open as he doubles over, sobs wrecking through him like thunder, and his tears carve clean paths down his dirty hands.
"i tried," he whispers, voice hoarse from yelling, "i'm sorry, i tried."
crowley's wings unfurl with an almost silent gust of air, blacking out the sunlight streaming in. he drags himself to the nearest corner before wrapping his arms and wings around himself, and curling up as tightly as possible.
"i tried," he keeps breathing into feathers and fabric, "i tried, i tried, i tried."
over and over until his voice fails him and then some more. it is almost a lullaby, the words taking whatever is left of his heart and gently rocking it back and forth. crowley falls asleep like that, exhausted and broken and lonely. just as sleep pulls him under, he stops his repetition, his mouth shaping phrase after phrase.
for the very first time since his fall, crowley closes his eyes and prays.
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Ride 745: At the window seat
Pag 1
1: The last
2 / 3: 200m!!
Pag 2
1: 150m!!
2: Sugimoto is still ahead!! Danchiku is behind!!
6: There are
Pag 3
1: 100m left!!
Pag 4
1: Issa.... are you watching, Issa
2: I've always been timid
3: I always pushed your back with all my strength
4: And then watched you being all frolic
5: I was satisfied
Hahaha!
Piece of cake!
Pag 5
1: When I was little, during school trips, on the bus
2: I won the window sit
I got it!!
3: I enjoyed looking at how the scenery changed outside the window
Oh, there are cows!!
4: The window seat is super nice!
But I was pushed by my friend
Neh, Danchiku, let's swap seats! Come on, Danchiku
6: Okay
Thanks!!
I gave up my seat
7: In the end
Amazing! What's that tower?
8: our seats stayed like the whole time
9: People also often cut the line in front of me
Sorry, Danchiku!
No, but the line....
Ah, you're so nice, Danchiku, so nice!!
Pag 6
1: After that, the girls scolded me, too
You're too nice, Danchiku!
Yes, yes
Well....
At times like that, you need to flat-out reject them!
Yeah, you're a guy after all
Yeah... you're right... indeed....
2: It bothers us, you know
Is it... my fault...?
3: Is it me....
4: I also yielded with bicycles
Move, slowpoke!!
5: “Move”.....
Ye... yes
Pag 7
1: If you don't want to win, then don't run in races!!
3: Riding was fun, so I started running with bikes, but
4: Indeed....
Want to win.... huh
5: I'm nervous....
I was even late for the start the other day
And I couldn't move forward.....
6: I guess I'll cancel my entry on the next race, then....
I thought I should stop
Pag 8
1: Oi, you
2: At that time....
Ah- ah
My bad....
3: I was thinking while walking... and since the street is narrow
You want me to give way!?
4: Even though I was just walking on the side of the road
5: No
6: You don't have to give up anything
Pag 9
1: Huh
2: You said “my bad”, but you're not at fault
3: I heard there's a guy who goes to the same school as me and who ride bicycles
A guy who runs seriously and practices properly!!
4: I'm looking for that guy
Looking for....
5: He called out to me so self-importantly
Pag 10
1: That guy was Kaburagi Issa!!
Team up with me, and let's become the best in Japan!!
2: The strongest local club team here is called “Team SS”
First, let's join it and train!!
Pag 11
1: That guy was saying things that made no sense, but he had said the two things I wanted to hear the most at that time
2: “You don't have to give up anything”....
“You're not at fault”......
3: So, too suddenly and without really understanding, I said yes
Huh.... yes
Alright, it's decided
4: Danchiku!? It's an unusual name, and that's important!!
It's important?
'cause it sounds kinda cool!!
Huh
5: I still think it wasn't a mistake
What a weird guy....
6: Because Issa never stole my window seat
7: And didn't cut the line in front of me
Waa Danchiku, I'm so behind you!
Haha
Lucky you, dammit
Pag 12
1: And with an overwhelming accuracy, he gave me instructions to move forward!!
Here, Danchiku, move forward!!
Yeah!!
Pag 13
1: It's SS!!
Kaburagi from SS is jumping forward!!
Danchiku is pulling him, that's bad!!
2: Let's win this race!!
Yeah!!
5: That's why I always dreamed of making you “frolic”
Hahaha
6: I pulled you, and you took the finish line
7: That was enough for me
Pag 14
1: But then, after he joined Sohoku, Issa started to say those things
2: Now!! You're next!! Get stronger!!
3: I had no confidence
….. yeah
I wasn't selected for the Inter High during our first year
4: And even when I was chosen for the “Minegayama” race during fall
5: Don't worry, you can win
6: Even though Issa cheered for me, I doubted myself
Yeah
7: Practiced hard, I ran on Minegayama, and somehow I won
Pag 15
1: But right after that, my condition got bad
3: As expected..... right....
Alone, I convinced myself I didn't have what it takes
4: I didn't rely on my heart
It was probably small enough to fit in the palm of my hand
5: I read so many books, trying to make it bigger
Pag 16
1: You can do it, don't worry, you have me with you
I can't wait for the Inter High...!!
You're making so many grains of rice fly around
2: Hahaha
3: When the training camp started, Touji-san gave me a new bike
4: And I became your buddy
5: There's something I noticed
Let's make a special technique
You can do it now!!
7: Ah....
Pag 17
1: I remember something I read in a book
2: “Four things necessary for a person who wants to build up self-confidence”
3: “Find the amazing within you”
“Praise yourself for it”
“Don't deny it”
“Keep polishing it”
4: These are ideals... there's no way anyone can do it
6: I want to meet someone like that, bring them to me...
I thought so, and so that time I put down the book
7: But
Pag 18
1: He was there, right in front of my eyes!!
Pag 19
1: It's been right in front of my eyes the whole time!!
2: The guy who finds the “amazing” in himself, who praises himself for it, and never denies it!!
3: I realized I've been with him for many years!!
4: So I feel like I'm starting to see the process to gain confidence in myself, Issa!!
Pag 20
1: Please look at me, Issa
I'll go to the Inter High!!
2: To prove that my heart is getting bigger, little by little
3: And to make you, who believed in me, even more frolic!!
5: Danchiku is shouting!!
6: He accelerated again!!
7: I'll become much stronger!!
Pag 21
1: Garuaaa!!
2: 50m left!!
They're neck and neck!!
(Thank you @monkeyingaround for beta-ing this chapter!! <33)
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