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mosh-4 · 4 years

Text

stress

harry styles imagine

stress - you’re overwhelmed and forget to take care of yourself on the OTRA tour, and harry worries. (requested)

warning: lack of eating, stress, anxiety?

you are so stressed, but he doesn’t know that.

when Harry asked you to join him on the On The Road Again tour, you were ecstatic, but you had never imagined that it would be this hard.

you had a lot going on. at the end of the summer, you would have to return to school. while on tour, you were trying to complete some elective classes online in order for you to get some credits out of the way. it had been difficult for you to find time alone to study. with that going on, you also were dealing with family drama. you couldn’t help your family deal with your grandparents’ deteriorating health, and as much as you wanted to help and listen to them talk about it, it was hard with the time differences and the fact that they were in another country.

Harry, of course, didn’t know about any of this. you tried to keep everything that was going on to yourself. he left you alone at times because he knew were taking your classes, but you mostly spent that time on the phone talking with a family member.

you really didn’t want to share this with your boyfriend of two years because you were an independent person. you tended to keep your problems to yourself until you couldn’t handle them anymore. this was obviously not a great coping mechanism, but you couldn’t change it.

Harry had never seen you like this. although, it hadn’t ever been this bad when you were around him. the last time you had gotten like this, he was away on tour, and you had kept it to yourself.

“jesus, girl,” your cousin said through the phone. you had facetimed her to get an update on your grandparents, but the conversation had shifted to talking about you on tour, like it normal does. “you look like you’re wasting away.”

“what?” you said looking up from your notebook. it had the notes you took for the paper you were working on.

“you look almost dead,” she said. “are you getting any sleep?”

had you been getting any sleep? you hardly remember the last time you actually slept. you napped every now and then, but you stayed up at night to finish your assignments or to talk to your family.

“’m getting sleep,” you say defending yourself.

“okay,” you cousin started. “you’re getting regular sleep?”

you throw your hands up in the air.

“i’m on tour. there is no ‘regular sleep’.”

your cousin sighed. she knew you got defensive when you were hiding something.

“okay.” she sighed again. “you’re eating, too?”

“yes, I’m eating,” you snap.

to be honest, you couldn’t remember the last time you had an actual meal. you didn’t feel hungry when you got stressed. the thought of eating made you feel sick. you were too overwhelmed.

“okay, okay,” your cousin said raising her hands in defense. “i believe you.”

you rolled your eyes at her.

“’m fine,” you said calmly to reassure her that you were okay.

“i believe you,” she said. she moved to change the topic. “how is ‘mr. popstar’?”

you continued your conversation with her, filling her in on Harry, the band, and traveling, until she had to go back to babysitting her niece.

Harry was concerned. he noticed that you weren’t eating. he noticed that you were tired. whenever he asked about it, you snapped at him. you never would snap at him. he thought it was because of spending too much time together so he gave you some space.

it wasn’t until he noticed you having a hard time standing up after sitting for so long that he became really concerned. you stopped watching his shows. instead of standing in the front row cheering him on, you sat backstage and ‘worked on your assignments’. you started getting ‘headaches’. everyday, you claimed to have a headache.

he worried for you. he could see the bags under your eyes. he could see light draining from your eyes. you were always cold.

he didn’t know what to do. he would ask, but you would say you were ‘fine’. he would ask you to get dinner, but you claimed to have already eaten and were busy. he would ask you to come to bed with him, but you said you had work to do.

he was at a loss. you needed help. you were not yourself, and he felt awful.

he did something he promised himself he would never do.

he planned to wake up an hour before he usually did, which was an hour after you went to bed. he reached over you and grabbed your phone. he rolled himself out of the bunk before taking a seat at the kitchen table on the bus. he unlocked your phone. he knew your password was your birthday. he opened your messages and got your cousin’s phone number from her contact on your phone.

he sent her a text.

harry: hey, it’s Harry Styles. i have some questions to ask you when you have time.

he waited at the table for her response. she responded in a few minutes.

(y/c/n): hi!

(y/c/n): what’s up?

harry: i’m a little worried about (y/n)

he saw her typing.

(y/c/n): what has you worried?

he definitely didn’t want to talk about this over text.

harry: is it okay if i call you?

he waited for her response. he rubbed a hand over his face and let out a sigh.

(y/c/n): yes

“am i crazy to be worried?”

“no. there is something going on. she gets like this periodically.”

Harry had been talking to your cousin for about 20 minutes. he went over everything that had been going on. you barely sleeping, barely eating, and always working.

“what is it?” he asked.

“stress,” your cousin responded before going into the stuff going on with your family.

Harry rubbed a hand over his face.

“i had no idea,” he sighed. “why didn’t she tell me?”

“she tries to keep these things to herself.” he heard your cousin pause before continuing. “it was really bad in high school. she forgot to eat and sleep all the time. she was so focused on her work. it wasn’t until she passed out during school that anyone really noticed. she’s good at hiding this stuff, and she doesn’t tell anyone anything until it gets really bad.”

“i feel so awful,” he started. how could he not see it before.

“don’t beat yourself up about it,” you cousin interrupted him. “the only reason i could see it happen was because i have seen her do this before. she pushes everyone who tries to help away. she thinks she can do it all on her own, and she doesn’t recognize that she’s taking on too much.”

“how did you get her out of it before?”

“get her away from her work. get her mind off it. take her out or something. she needs to eat something. she can’t think straight when she hasn’t eaten. then, try to get her to sleep. if she’s really exhausted, an old movie will make her sleep.”

“okay,” he sighed.

“Harry, it’s going to be okay,” she said. “she’s going to be okay. this happens. she’ll break at some point, and then she’ll puts herself back together again. it’s just different because she’s traveling this time, but she’ll be okay. she always is.”

“okay,” he murmured. he rubbed his eyes.

“keep me posted?” your cousin asked.

“of course,” he said raising his head. “i’ll let you know how it goes.”

“great, thank you.”

Harry had bid her a goodbye before they hung up. your cousin had to go to sleep. she was a couple hours behind you both.

Harry shuffled back to your bunk. he plugged both of your phones back into their chargers before climbing into the bunk to lay next to you. he watched you sleep peacefully before snuggling in close with you. he fell back asleep with you in his arms. he hoped to himself that you would be okay.

“come with me.”

“i can’t.”

“you’ve been working all day, and it’s saturday,” Harry argued. “come explore the city with me, please.”

you sighed. you wanted to be left alone. you didn’t want to be around people.

“Harry, i want to stay in,” you whine throwing your head back.

“you’ve been staying in for the past two weeks. just take a day off from working and come spend time with me. i miss you,” he said slightly upset that she was denying him again.

“Harry-”

“stop with the excuses,” he shouted throwing his arms in the air. “i miss you. you’re always busy with school, and i know it’s important, but i miss you. can we just spend one day out exploring this city together?”

you sighed. you felt bad. you knew he was right. you hadn’t spent any time with him.

“fine,” you sighed. “i’m sorry. we can do whatever you want tonight.”

you walked hand in hand around the city. it was beautiful. you had walked through the streets for a few hours. you visited local shops and took a walk through a park. you were having a great time, but you were growing tired.

“do you want to grab lunch?” Harry asked pointing to a little café.

“sure,” you breathed out.

Harry could tell you were growing paler. he needed to get you to eat soon.

you both sat at a table in the back of the café, and he went to the counter to order for the both of you. he grabbed you a cup of tea and a sandwich. it was always your go-to.

he got you to eat some of your sandwich. you seemed to be less pale. you felt less tired. you both sat at the café and talked until you had finished your lunch.

Harry was glad that you ate something.

“do you want to go back to the hotel and watch a movie?” he asked brushing a hand through his long hair.

“sure, curly,” you said grabbing his other hand that was on the table. “thanks for buying me lunch. i’ll buy next time.”

he laughed. you seemed more like yourself.

on the walk back to your hotel, you had become sluggish. unknown to him, you held his arm to keep you upright. he though you were being affectionate. you squeezed your eyes shut as you waited at the crosswalk. you bit the side of your cheek to try to get the dizziness to pass.

on the elevator ride up to your hotel room, Harry could feel your nails digging into his arm. he looked over to you.

“you okay?” he asked as his eyes inspected you. you had your eyes squeezed shut.

the elevator dinged at your floor. you took a step out of the elevator before your vision became blurry.

“’m fine,” you whispered before it all went black.

your body began to drop before Harry swiftly reached out to catch you calling your name. he pulled you up into his arms before carrying you bridal style back to your room. he unlocked the door before calling Niall freaking out.

you woke up to a crowded room. you were extremely groggy. there was a bright light shining in your eyes. you heard faint beeping.

f*ck, you thought.

“mhm,” you moan slightly trying to get your voice to work.

Harry’s head whipped to you as he finished talking with the doctor. he quickly made his way to your bedside.

“hey,” he cooed softly. “how are you?”

“where am i?” you said quietly.

“i had to call an ambulance,” he whispered gently to you. “you passed out on me. you weren’t waking up.”

he brushed a hand softly through your hair. his own hair was tied up with one of your hair ties.

“oh,” you whisper looking down at your feet. you still had your clothes from earlier on. you had an IV in your arm.

the doctor approached you and introduced herself.

“we want to monitor you overnight. you seem exhausted and slightly malnourished, and it’s causing your body stress,” the doctor stated.

“uh, okay,” you said processing what she said. “you have a show tonight,” you say turning to Harry.

“it’s okay,” he said calming you down. “we can cancel.”

“no,” you argue. “you can’t do that. i won’t let you. that’s not fair.”

“are you kidding?” he shot back. “you’re in the hospital. you passed out. i want to be here with you.”

“you can go to your show. that’s not fair to your fans, and i’ll be here after the show. i can’t really leave.”

you argued with him for a few more minutes before he agreed to go to the show, only after Lottie agreed to be with you while he was at his show. he thanked her profusely before finally leaving. he had already missed sound check, and he had two hours until the show began.

throughout the show, he was distracted. he messed up the words to at least two songs. he didn’t goof off with the crowd. he just wanted to be with you. he felt like he messed up, like it was his fault that this happened. he had talked to your cousin as soon as you had been admitted to the hospital. she had tried to comfort him, but it didn’t work. he wanted you to be honest with him. he wanted you to confide in him, but you didn’t. you didn’t let him in. you bottled up your stress, and you got hurt because of it. he felt awful that he couldn’t see you suffering.

his eyes welled up as they sang Little Things. he thought of you, and his heart clenched. he voice became thick, and Liam helped him sing through the end of the song before placing a hand on his shoulder. Harry wiped his eyes before going for his bottle of water. he took a drink instead of blowing water out of his mouth like a whale like he usually did.

he was counting down the minutes until he could see you.

you and Lottie were talking in your hospital room as you ate a cup of hospital pudding. your eyes were getting tired, but you wanted to see Harry before you fell asleep.

at the end of the movie you were both watching, Harry made an appearance.

“hey, lovie,” he said as he entered your room.

“hey,” you greeted sitting up in your bed.

he pulled you into a hug. you could tell he just showered from the slight dampness of his hair and the smell of his shampoo. he released you before sending a small wave to Lottie. you exchanged how your night was with each other before Lottie decided to head back to the hotel.

you were curled up in the bed with Harry laying next to you. you had your head resting on his chest. he was running a hand through your hair while an old movie played on the tv.

“will you tell me what’s going on, love?” he murmured.

he felt your shift in his arms, but you never turned to face him.

“it’s been bad, haz,” you sighed.

“you can tell me about it,” he said.

“it’s hard to juggle everything. i got stressed,” you started. Harry could feel you sigh. “my family is having problems back home. my grandparents are getting older, and my aunt and uncles are fighting about it. i can’t do anything about it because i’m here, but it’s not like they would listen to me anyway if i was there.” you took a breath. “and, school has been hard. the assignments are harder, and i want to get a good grade so i can boost my gpa. it’s hard to juggle it all, you know?”

“mhmm,” he hummed gently letting you talk.

“this happens sometimes. everyone freaks out about it. i get stressed, and i forget eating and sleeping are a thing. i guess i was in denial that it was getting bad. i think (y/c/n) tried to tell me that i was getting bad, but i was mean to her,” you whispered. tears were forming in your eyes. you took a heavy breath. “i-i was mean to you. i’m sorry,” you voice cracks as you let out a little sob.

Harry pulled you in close.

“hey,” he whispered softly. “you don’t have to be sorry. it happens but let me help you when you’re stressed. you don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. please let me in. let me carry it with you. i love you. we’re a team, right?”

you nod to him wiping your eyes.

“we’re a team. i love you too.”

he placed a kiss on your head before letting you fall asleep as you watched the old movie. you spent your night curled up with your boyfriend in a hospital bed with a heavy burden lifted off your chest.

hope you enjoyed! feel free to send requests - mosh

#harry styles imagines #Harry Styles #harrystyles #harry styles angst #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #one direction #onedirection #one direction imagines

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ladyfl4me · 4 years

Note

Hi please yell about boyd and stern in TCOS and TMWCIFTC :D!

Anon, THANK YOU for enabling me, you have my fucking life in your hands

I’ll preface all of this by saying that everything in this post is related to my long-form Amnesty works, The Moth who Came In from the Cold and The Children of Sylvain. If you haven’t read those, then you’ll be pretty damn confused, so I guess now is as good of a time to plug them - and the series - as any. A heads up: I started it back in 2018, and everything in TCOS is just… very VERY loosely associated with Amnesty canon at this point. Same root premise, same characters, but back in 2018 even I couldn’t predict where arcs 4 and 5 ended up going. TMWCIFTC was written as the logical progression, in my head, of an alternate arc 4, and everything that happened in TCOS is based off of that progression. It’s got almost no connection to the actual canon at this point. I’ll be recapping some of the more important plot points for context, though.

Here’s hoping the read-more works. This was 7 pages long in the google doc I prepared this in, so I apologize in advance to everyone on my dash if this got fucked up. Spoilers for TMWCIFTC ahead, as well as general vague spoilers for Amnesty.

So everything’s coming up roses. Fantastic. Let’s start with the biggest thing: how the characters of Agent Stern and Boyd Mosche have changed from canon to this AU.

Boyd’s Changes:

We’ll start with Boyd, because this motherfucker is UNRECOGNIZABLE from canon. On god, that is all Griffin’s fault. Pretty much all of Boyd’s character was concentrated in arc 4 of Amnesty, and honestly? He was a fantastic character there. Loved him as a counterpart to Ned. He gave off an air of “the ends justify the means” in almost everything he did - especially how he was willing to do anything, including blackmail Ned to hell and back, to get back to England - which I’ve grafted into my version of him. The angst-loving part of my brain seized on the tragic possibilities of his relationship with Ned and was bumping “No Children” by the Mountain Goats every time they interacted. Great stuff, interesting complexity, was genuinely surprised when he kicked it.

All that happened after I introduced him as a character in TMWCIFTC. My version of him retains the smooth-talking Britishness of him, with the aforementioned “ends justify the means” logic for everything; I’d probably sort him as a chaotic neutral, with basically all of his points in wisdom, charisma and strength with very few in intelligence. I tried to work with that for the start. We knew nothing about Boyd at the time I was writing TMWCIFTC, so my brain wanted to fill in that blank for jokes and giggles and haha funny’s and was like, “Yo what if Boyd was a Sylph this entire time? Wouldn’t that be fucking hilarious?”

And that’s what I did. What happened to make this version of Boyd was a bit of a random “perfect storm” of influences and choices, which really only got sharpened because of my one-shot The Devil Went Down To Georgia. That one’s the main source of all Boyd lore, even though I barely reference it these days because he’s gone so far off the rails it’s a miracle I can keep him straight.

I’ve talked about The Devil Went Down To Georgia a lot in relation to Boyd on here. TL;DR, I decided to make him two things: a violinist and a Sylph/cryptid, specifically the Jersey Devil. Yes, he is still British. I chalk it up lore-wise to a few things: the original Jersey Devil is more of a distant relative, Boyd crossed over from Sylvain and ended up in Britain sometime after that, and just willingly chose to keep up the British persona Bastard. I don’t think about it too much. He’s been a criminal from the very beginning; he’d been in prison on Sylvain, went through some shit there that made him steal a crystal and book it, and he continued to do crime on Earth to survive.

The violin thing is mostly me desperately wanting a character to have that background, because I played for seven goddamn years and want to put that knowledge and catharsis somewhere. Boyd probably either picked up a Sylvan instrument that was similar, or learned it in the early 20th century when he came to Earth, and just held onto it. He held onto the skills and got good - good enough that he could have gone professional, and tried in 2007, but that didn’t go super well, as anyone who’s read TMWCIFTC can attest.

In terms of the type of cryptid he is, I’ve made the Jersey Devils a subspecies on Sylvain that takes cervids (deer, moose, etc.) or bovines (goats, antelopes, cows, etc.), as well as canines/felines of any shape and size, puts them into a gashapon machine with pterodactyl-style wings, awful teeth, and a snake’s tail, and calls it a day. You can get a tiny Jersey Devil that’s a combo of a tiny cat and a dik-dik; you can get a jacked nine-foot-tall terrifying amalgam of a lion and a moose, with a fucked-up mouth of multiple rows of teeth and huge claws.

That last one is Boyd. Don’t call me a monsterfucker for this, I have no defense.

So where does that leave him in relation to the Lodge? Back in 2018, before I started developing the lore that factors into TCOS about Sylph communities outside the Lodge (namely the Manhattan Sylphs that Leo worked with when he was a Chosen One), I figured that it’d be funny if every single cryptid kinda just… knew each other, or hung out near the Lodge. As you know if you’ve read TMWCIFTC, he got into some trouble in 1967, which Barclay, Indrid and Mama “bailed him out of.”

Once they found out he was a fellow Sylvan, though, it became less about “report this guy to the authorities” and more about “we have to make sure we keep an eye on this guy so he doesn’t get himself, or other Sylphs, in trouble” thing. He basically became Mama’s mostly-socialized half-feral cat, slinking through the halls of Amnesty Lodge, eating random food, falling asleep wherever, sitting in rooms where people are doing interesting things and just watching them. And everyone... kind of likes him. Sure, he doesn’t have a sleep schedule, and they have to get soundproof panels installed in his room at the Lodge because he’ll stress-practice violin at 3 in the morning, and he keeps shoplifting stuff from local stores to give to people like a cat bringing back dead mice. But he’s a good man. And he’s getting better every day.

Then he got got by the Ashminder in ‘98. He bolted, completely forgot everything about the Lodge but had the address of a former Lodge resident on his body after his memory was wiped, found a still-alive but memory-wiped fellow Lodge dweller, and fled to that address. Boyd lived there for years, trying to clean up his act and try to anchor himself a bit. Then in 2007, something on his path went wrong, and the stress break he went through after that made him run from that place. That’s when he met Ned, and they had a few years together before Boyd ended up in jail.

Then, once they killed the Ashminder and the memories it had eaten came back, Voidfish-style, Boyd remembered everything: the people who’d taken care of him, the friends he’d made, the love he’d found, the time and effort he’d put into getting better, the rewards he’d reaped because of it. He remembered fighting monsters and defending them. He got hit with it all at once, and missed them. His parole date was coming up; he could bide his time until he was released, and run down there.

But then, at the start of TCOS, Something Happens that makes all Sylvan disguises and spells shit the fucking bed; his disguise spell, which has been hiding a nine foot-tall jacked demon out of hell, flickers, and the invisibility spell that had been put on his disguise item to hide it failed. Boyd knew he was fucked if the jail folks found out he was a Sylph, so he decided to fucking Kool-aid Man out of there, becoming a wanted man in the entire state of West Virginia and getting a bit roughed up in the process.

But hey. Whatever it takes to get home, right?

Stern’s Changes:

Stern’s changed too, though, and here’s how. It was relatively simple to tweak him, because so much of him was a blank slate to begin with. First: that name. Garfield Kent Stern is his full name: Garfield for the cat/Deals Warlock, Kent after Kent Mansley, the irritating dipshit FBI agent antagonist from the classic animated movie The Iron Giant. Poor bastard. He started as a walking meme who I was going to kill off; I came up with that name long before we got his real name in canon, and didn’t want to retcon it out.

I’m a sucker for secret connections and familial ties, too, and back in 2018 the headcanon gashapon gave me “what if Stern was a cousin of Duck’s, but there was family drama that made their parts of the family split when they were kids, so now 30 years later they don’t remember each other?”

And that’s exactly what I did. Gary is Duck’s first cousin on Duck’s mom’s side; their mothers are sisters. Gary’s uncle Arnie was a Secret Service agent who tangled with an Indrid trying to stop the Kennedy Assassination once, and he keeps telling that story at Christmas, much to everyone’s chagrin. Gary remembered those stories, and even received Indrid’s old disguise glasses - knocked off his face during his uncle Arnie’s chase - and carried them with him for a long time.

He didn’t start off as a baby cop, though; he was more interested in hitting the books, finding out the logic and doing the research to figure things out. I have him become a history major, getting a PhD with a few bits and bobs here and there that I haven’t worked out yet. Whatever the case, he spent a LONG time in academia, from undergrad starting in 1996 to graduation in about 2005.

Things weren’t as peachy as he thought they’d be, though. Gary wrote and published his thesis, like a good little PhD candidate, but someone was watching him. In his thesis, he’d been trying to cobble together various cryptid-related legends across the word and making connections between them, among other things. He’d managed to link up and explain something that Unexplained Phenomena had been trying to figure out themselves. They immediately intercepted his thesis, kept it from being disseminated anywhere else, erased all copies of it after graduation, and reached out to Gary independently to bring him on.

Make no mistake: he went willingly. Despite the whole thesis coverup, Agent Gary Stern wasn’t coerced into being a government stooge, and he wasn’t blackmailed - he was given an offer to work with the cryptid cops, and he enthusiastically took it. Government benefits were decent, he’d heard; post-grad options were looking slim, especially going into the recession. In his mind, there was a bit of allure to it all, too. A secret government organization looking into suspicious and possibly supernatural things all over the nation? Fantastic. More opportunities to do research. He was in. Gary accepted their offer and started basic FBI training in 2007 - the same year Boyd had that mental break and went AWOL, returning to his life of crime and meeting Ned.

Biggest mistake he’d ever made. But then again, if he didn’t take them up on that, he wouldn’t be here, would he?

So he joins UP, goes up the ranks. They had him researching and charting the Bigfoot case for a while, and he was the only one who was willing to work on it at all because… well, Bigfoot sightings weren’t as sophisticated as some of the other projects that were out there for UP. (See: Area 51. We don’t talk about Area 51. Nobody talks about Area 51. Definitely nothing shady and unethical going on in there, no experiments on anyone or anything, no sir.)

Gary’s diligent, though, and doesn’t like to back down from a challenge. That’s all hunting Bigfoot was: a challenge. No personal stake, no empathy. It was a job to get done, even though an entire person’s life was at stake.

And he got so caught up in this challenge that, when he went to Kepler, he EASILY got attacked by the Ashminder and destroyed within an inch of his life. He got the very memory of his job and intent in Kepler torn out of his head; once the Ashminder died, and those memories came back, they didn’t feel like his anymore, or like they’d been part of his life plan to begin with. Overcome with confusion and guilt, he decided to clean up his act and try to work against the FBI, with Mama’s blessing.

His goal? Quit the FBI, get them off the Lodge’s back, and then see what happens next. Maybe he’d go back to academia, or teach, or something - just get as far away from the FBI as possible, as far away as he can be from hurting people. But he’s got to bide his time, because if he bolts now, they’re going to get suspicious and put the Lodge in even more danger. And that’s where he is now.

So why have they changed?

Simple answer? I don’t want to rewrite them to fit with canon. I just don’t. I don’t want to make Boyd human; I don’t want to change Gary’s name to Joseph and make him a Bigfoot groupie. I don’t want to rewrite hundreds of thousands of words of work to fit last-minute decisions made in the end times of Amnesty’s canon. My fic has diverged so much from canon that the canon versions of the characters don’t belong here anymore. Besides, Stern was such a background character in arcs 3 and 4 that he barely mattered, making his reappearance in arc 5 a bit of a clumsy follow-through, and Boyd was a one-act wonder. A little expansion couldn’t hurt. Making Gary something other than a direct antagonist made the narrative load a little easier, too, at least on my end. I hate giving a cop screen time, but it’s easier to justify his existence by rewriting his backstory and making him slog through the hell of a redemption arc. He’s had that coming.

This leads us to TCOS, though, where the arcs of our player characters turn a bit more towards the plot, as opposed to the emotional fulfillment they got in TMWCIFTC. Characters like Gary, Mama, Boyd, and Alexandra take center stage for emotional and backstory development, while the original player characters take a temporary backseat. Alexandra’s a key linchpin of the story as a whole, both emotionally and narratively; Mama gets lore expansions and has personal things to settle; and Gary and Boyd are… here. So:

How do these two work with each other in TCOS?

It’s great. It’s fantastic. These two are my favorite to write in TCOS because their conflict is just so fucking FUN. On the one hand, you have an almost-ex-FBI agent who’s been taken in by the Lodge, is related to a Pine Guard member, is trying to keep his coworkers off the Lodge’s back as sneakily as possible without drawing suspicion, and is desperate not to screw up this second chance he doesn’t think he deserves. On the other hand, you have an ex-con who got a second chance from the Lodge, sees them as his last best option to be safe as long as nobody reports them, and wants to keep them safe out of a sense of familial obligation he’s reluctant to admit to, even to himself.

That’s two people with questionable morals, with a semi-familial attachment to a place that gave them second chances, each seeing the actions of the other as a threat to their - and everyone else’s - safety. Claws come out almost immediately.

At the start, Boyd and Gary go together like apple juice and toothpaste. Boyd sees a narc who’s threatening the one safe place he has left; Gary sees an impulsive, selfish threat, a domino that - if it falls - threatens, you guessed it, the one safe place he (and other people, sure) has left. Boyd breaking out of jail means the entire state of West Virginia, and probably the whole East Coast, is on high alert looking for him, and if that attention comes anywhere near the Lodge? They’re fucked.

Neither of them believe that the other is capable of change or anything but selfish, malicious harm. Boyd has more of an argument than Gary because Gary is still actively reporting things to the FBI, but in Gary’s defense, the moment that he stops reporting anything to them, they’re going to suspect things and might end up sending more people to the Lodge. The Pine Guard can’t afford that, so Gary has to play by the rules until he’s in a position where he can quit. I’ll pull a specific argument they have from TCOS that I feel really exemplifies this:

"I don't want you to get caught."

Boyd scoffed. "Something tells me you're not worried about me."

"I'm not."

"Well, thanks."

"I'm worried," Gary went on, "about someone seeing you, and connecting you to the Lodge. You just used the hot springs as your personal landing strip, in broad daylight. We're on the upper half of the mountain. And I don't know how big your Sylvan form is, but -"

Boyd grinned. It looked more like a snarl. "Oh, plenty big enough," he said.

Gary ignored that. "Big enough for someone to see you from down the mountain?" he challenged. Boyd's lip curled, and he looked away. "Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm just thinking ahead. What if someone came beating down our door looking for you? What if it was a cryptid hunter? What if it was the cops?”

"Yes, yes, fine, alright," Boyd snapped. He threw his hands up. His eyes were hard and cold. "It'd put us in danger. I get it. But you're still here. I think the damage is already done."

A knot of cold rage formed in Gary's stomach. "I'm trying to keep this place safe, Mr. Mosche," he spat. "I've got a responsibility to keep."

Boyd scoffed. "Oh, you have a responsibility? To Amnesty Lodge? That's fucking rich."

"You've got one, too! It’s about time you started keeping it!"

They’re both very, very set in their ways and their ideologies, and they take a long time to get to middle ground.

One of my friends described it as middle child syndrome in overdrive. Gary thinks Boyd’s the Lodge golden child, come to replace him in the Lodge inner circle. Boyd thinks Gary’s the Lodge’s new redemption-arc fixer-upper, come to replace him. And both of them feel thrown off by that, because they both thought that the Lodge was accepting them completely into the inner circle. It’s unfamiliar, it’s confusing, and when the Lodge as a whole regards them both with suspicion/unease (Gary) and polite detachment due to the passage of time (Boyd), it makes them both feel on the outside.

And when you’re in the same shitty canoe, you’ve gotta row it or sink. So that’s exactly what they do.

Ultimately, they get faced down with bigger and worse foes that snap them out of their spat, because their common interest is “keeping the Lodge safe” and uniting will help them get there. When they do start to have each other’s backs, though, that’s when they reluctantly start to get to know each other. Gary feels like something’s off about Boyd and eventually suspects - thanks to some comments from Haynes and some digging of his own - that Boyd had something to do with the fire that burned down Aubrey’s house, but it remains to be seen what he’ll do with that information. (The Gary of November 2018 would have turned Boyd in to the FBI. The Gary of almost six months later, though… a different story. It’ll be interesting.)

The kicker is, they’re both really similar, at the heart of it. Both of them were the Lodge’s fix-em-up pet projects, brought into the fold in an emergency and protected/cared for as long as they swore to clean up their act. They see each other and feel a bit out-of-place, though - something contributed to by the way the Lodge treats them.

Gary’s still held at a distance by many, despite being Duck’s cousin and a mostly-valuable member of the team, because the stench of the FBI is still on him - how he dresses, how he walks and talks, how he acts. And Boyd has just swanned back to the Lodge after 20 years gone, with all his memories of the Lodge from back in ‘98 driven back into his mind - and part of him is expecting the Lodge to be the exact same way it was when he left. But it’s not. You can’t go home again. The Lodge has moved on without him, which he never expected, and coming back to them is… awkward.

It’s simple. They don’t know what to do with a version of Boyd who’s missed the past 20 years of their lives; Boyd doesn’t know what to do with people who have changed from the folks he knew 20 years ago. He’s lost, floating, and alienated, like going to a high school reunion after not having spoken to a living soul since graduation. It sucks for him. And the only wholly unfamiliar face there, other than the main Pine Guard - who he’s mostly fine with, except for Ned - is Gary, and he can’t help but be irritated with him. That changes, though.

What I essentially want to do is set these versions of the characters up as foils. Similar characters, similar pasts, similar situations that got them to this point. All that’s different is how far in their respective arcs they are. So I’m going to have them be friends. Give each other a chance in the face of a bigger threat, open up a little more, have conversations, talk about things with each other because they’re the only ones around to listen. The Lodge gave them second chances when they needed them most. Maybe they can do that for each other.

This is also to say, I would be a massive fucking liar if I say I haven’t considered having that unfold into a rivals-to-lovers arc. Yeah, I said it. I’ve considered it, at length and in serious detail, since I started drafting the arcs for TCOS. In fact, that’s what I’m probably going to do. I’ve gotten too hooked by the possibility to give it up. I outlined hypothetical futures for the whole cast after the final battle in Sylvain and, given the things I want to happen in that battle and the messy post-war fallout, it makes sense that these two would gravitate towards each other.

It makes a lot more sense in context, believe me. They’ve got a long row to hoe before they trust each other enough to become friends, or even push the envelope towards a romantic relationship - they’d have months and even YEARS to wait to pull that off. Whatever I end up doing with them, they are easily my favorite part of TCOS to unravel, mostly because I - and, honestly, everyone else - probably never saw it coming.

Thanks for the ask, anon. This made my week. So sorry for the long response, but I have so many thoughts on what I’m doing with these idiots, and putting them down on paper was really fun. Any other questions or comments about this? Fire away, I’d be more than willing to answer!

#asks #anon #tcos #if tumblr fucks the formatting and bombards you all with a long-ass post i am SO SORRY #tagging anyway #long post #taz amnesty

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illgiveyoumygavichal · 3 years

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I don’t know why I wrote this, or why I wrote so much. Gomen.

So I just re-watched The Scene while I’m actually awake and coherent and I blasted the volume with my headset so I could hear every little thing and while it’s pretty clear they were filmed separately(?) from a writers point of view, the dialogue and reactions made sense --- not the ‘all gays go to super-hell’-bit... there’s no excusing that, but it was foreshadowed a long while ago (hence why I’m not 100% surprised that The Scene even happened since it was obvious that the character in questions’ ‘moment of true happiness’ would be a confession the moment the deal was made. I still think they’ll end on a ‘reset the universe back to point A to prevent point B’-type to just be like... well you already know the story so even if it’s ending, it’s not really ending but going on and on and on in a paradox because the whole show is convoluted what with the time-travel and parallel universes and other dimensions and shit.

Not my point, I started rambling. Uh... Click the ‘read more’ for more? Gods, I can’t believe this is what spurred a real-ass post from me...

If anyone wants to discuss this, please do. But don’t be an ass about it please, I’m just here to have a discussion.

Anyways, Jensen’s acting was flat. Like he wasn’t into the script at all. Like he totally believed that this went completely against the character he’s supposed to play - and he’s not really wrong, but you can see this a lot in movies and tv shows where the actors disagree with the writing and direction that it’s reflected in their performance.

While this scene in particular seems like the actors were shot apart and chopped together, I think they were both very much in the know about the script. Misha gave it his all, you could hear him thanking the audience for watching his performance. His in-character confession was just as much his ‘thank you’ and it shows - but while his whole speech was likely one good take (probably after a long day, especially since every one working on this show had to work around covid-19 safety procedures) Jensen’s was probably multiple takes, with the good shots being chosen and patched together to make him seem a least a little like he isn’t completely refusing the script.

As for the characters and the writing, it worked. Now I’m no expert in homosexual relationships but I’m very queer, as is my s/o, so I’m gonna try to not stick my foot in my mouth for this part. While homophobia is in no way acceptable, it’s understandable why Jensen isn’t into this particular pairing: The fandom shoved it down his throat, down the producers throats, until it was made canon. One thing that sucks the life out of creators is self-entitled fans. Yeah it’s nice to show your support and love of a content, but you shouldn’t be shoving your ideals for the content into the creators faces. It’s just uncouth.

Rambled again, sorry.

Cas’ speech was wonderful. He clarified his love for Dean by leveling his love for everyone and everything first, and then showing how his love for Dean was stronger than those - but stronger because of them. This way, in describing the care and love he has, Cas can be sure Dean understands that his love for him is a different kind of love without worrying about Dean being confused about his meaning when he’s already gone. Sorry I’m trying to figure out how to word this.

An example for clarification: A tells B they love them, but then they leave/die/whatever, and without clarification B might assume that it was a familial/platonic love - like saying you love your parent/sibling/friend. However, if A prefaced with a confirmation of familial love to B and then confessed their love for B, there is a better chance for understanding.

And from the way we see Dean shut down after the Empty takes Cas and Billie, completely ignoring Sam’s calls (which, after what he just learned from Billie as well as knowing Sam is in pain from losing Eileen - and everyone - is abnormal) in addition to not really moving from where he was thrown and burying his face - while SOBBING - I think it’s safe to assume he understood Cas’ confession as something more than family. Like, we’ve seen them ‘lose’ Cas before and Dean wasn’t as broken up about it as he was this time. Sure he was angry, but he’s always angry - but this time he isn’t angry.

Additionally, Dean didn’t outright reject Cas. He said “Don’t do this, Cas.” Which could easily be interpreted as ‘how fucking dare you confess to me when you’re about to die, thus immediately breaking my heart’ - which, if you’re really reaching for straws, could be a ‘wow, so my feelings would’ve been reciprocated if I actually had the balls to confess - not that it matters because apparently if I did confess you’d literally be so happy you would die.’ Ultimately, it’s a lose-lose-lose situation.

To add on to Sam’s phone call, when we see him hang up after leaving the silo we could assume he first tried calling Cas and then called Dean meaning that since Cas was taken, Dean sat there disassociating and trying to figure out wtf just happened when Sam snapped him back to reality - thus interrupting his compartmentalizing and forcing him to feel, because Dean hates feelings.

And yeah, the whole ‘Bury your Gays’ trope is shitty, but this is Supernatural: a horror-drama tv show where People Die and unfortunately, because most of the characters that die are side characters, the queers die mostly because they’re side characters and side characters are expendable. It fucking sucks, especially now that they are using LGBTQIA+ to boost their views at the END OF THE SERIES. Honestly, would be more acceptable to have it be a thing a few seasons ago, but they also have to work with the actors to even produce the show - and if the staring actor isn’t comfortable with certain themes, they can’t really force him without the show crashing and burning - which, in good old capitalism, a little homophobia to conserve their money-maker is normal. I don’t even know where I’m going with this.

Luckily, this is Supernatural, and Supernatural doesn’t like leaving people dead - even at the end of the series. There are a few possible endings they could go with, but through speculation there could be more without noticing.

A) Chuck taunts the brothers, probably tortures them more just ‘cause, before simply ending everything.

B) Amara somehow takes over Chuck - or they properly combine and suddenly remember why they made everything.

C) The boys give up and accept their fate.

D) The boys don’t give up and go out fighting.

E) Somehow they negotiate with Chuck and exchange themselves for everyone else.

F) Chuck hits the reset button, and this time he’ll make the boys more controllable.

G) The boys kill Chuck, but in the sudden power imbalance, the universe eliminates all supernatural beings and just create a mundane world - whether the boys are part of the world or not is up in the air.

H) Everyone is in the Empty now cause there’s no place left to exist but the Empty - since for some reason the Empty is more limbo than purgatory, but it makes sense.

I) The Empty is piiiiiissssssssed that Chuck suddenly made everything stop existing and then eats Chuck because Chuck will be loud making new things - or because Chuck will be a threat to the Empty... or he just wont let the Empty sleep. God what even is the Empty? Like, really, shouldn’t they be all-powerful - moreso than Chuck - since, without God there is nothing and without anything existing wouldn’t everything/nothing be Empty?

J) Empty eats Chuck 2020 - and the show ends just like that.

K) Chuck, to prevent being eaten by the Empty, brings everything back to put some cushion between him and the Empty - or gets the boys to kill the Empty in exchange for their world back sans God. (Their own little playpen that they can do whatever they want with.)

L) Dean kills Chuck with Death’s Scythe.

M) Sam and Dean somehow kill Chuck and in the power imbalance, replace him. (I’ve had this theory - unspoken though - before where Dean becomes head honcho in Heaven or Hell and Sam takes the other spot, no luck on this one yet.)

Either way, two episodes left to find out what the fuck is going on.

Next episode will be dramatic and sad as Sam, Dean and Jack reconvene - probably with Sam and Jack stopping Dean from giving up. Also, Jack will probably get dusted too - I’m surprised he didn’t go at the end there.

HONESTLY by the title of the episode, I think option K if more likely... but Chuck will probably be like... yeah here take it idgaf anymore. The road home will be very epilogue-y with flashbacks and shit to tie everything up and be all ‘They lived happily ever after.’

I don’t even know anymore... why can I write this much over a stupid show but not for like... a book or something.

#wtf #spn #theories #review #destiel #i guess #what is wrong with me #imagine writing 1.5k words #about a show that's about to end #feel free to interact

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roadtoeboyado · 4 years

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@ Tagging Game

i was tagged by the awesome @serialreblogger !

rules: tag 10 people you think would like to be tagged, and copy/paste the asks into a new post. Answer all/as many of them as you want!

1. do you prefer writing with a black pen or a blue pen? i actually prefer to write and work with blue gel pen, but i plan to get a good fountain pen soon to practice calligraphy properly

2. would you prefer to live in the country or in the city? in the city for now, but i frequently daydream about living in Italy with @etspera, close enough to the ocean to go spear fishing in the mornings

3. if you could learn a new skill, what would it be? machine sewing. i need to learn it, but i never have the time/energy to just sit my ass down and do it...

4. do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? i need at least 3 teaspoons of sugar to drink my coffee

5. what was your favorite book as a child? i really liked Lois Lowry books (Number the Stars and The giver were my favourite) and The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry was really important to me, but my absolute favourite was The Lord of the Rings trilogy. I reread it so many times I could quote parts of it word for word.

6. do you prefer baths or showers? showers, but only bc our tub is tiny. one time i was over at my friend and she had a gigantic tub and i was soaking in cold water for hours and it was glorious

7. if you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? vampire. i’d have time for everything i could watch history happen for centuries!! not to mention the drama

8. paper or electronic books? i have no problem with reading books as epub/pdf, but my favourites i always get in a nice edition

9. what is your favorite item of clothing? i have a thin maroon shirt and it has the coolest hood ever. i’m actually really concerned what will i wear if it get’s too old...

10. do you like your name? would you like to change it? nah, i really hate it actually, but i’m unsure what i’d prefer instead

11. who is a mentor to you? you guys get mentors ???

12. would you like to be famous? if so, what for? maybe for my writing or art? but like famous in the “having a legacy” and not the “being a celebrity” sense

13. are you a restless sleeper? oh yeah, i wake up multiple times during the night and turn and move around a lot

14. do you consider yourself to be a romantic person? nah

15. which element best represents you? fire? or if we go by Naruto elements (as we should) then lightning. i really really like lightning

16. who do you want to be closer to? no one, i just want to keep my friends as close as they are, that’s much harder

17. do you miss someone at the moment? no

18. tell us about an early childhood memory. so i was a big fan of the Harry Potter books and was very excited about the fifth book. My sister, who was six years older than me got the book first, and no matter how much i pleaded, our parents were like “one book is enough, learn to share”. The problem was three fold; A, i was a significantly faster reader than her B, i was much more invested in the Harry Potter series C, we were bitter enemies and this situation delighted her. Usually she kept to herself in her room, but now? Now she started to spend time in the living room, or at the dinner table, just slowly reading, frequently looking at me with a smile as i seethed in silence. One day i was sitting at the table, glaring at her as she was laying on a thick rug in the living room, our baby ittle bother between her arms. She had the book open in front of them but she was just playing with him, not actually reading it. She was just sending me a smug look as she turned a page, when my adorable little brother (who was like. one) slammed his little fist onto the page and ripped it clean off. time. stood. still. Then my sister laughed hysterically, i started to creech like a pterodactyl and my little brother was so confused he cried. this is my villain origin story

19. what is the strangest thing you have eaten? probably the fried frog legs, but i actually had to ask around the office. imho the fried pork brain was the weirder dish

20. what are you most thankful for? for all the art in my life, my ability to appreciate art

21. do you like spicy food? yesssss, there is nothing better than a spicy curry

22. have you ever met someone famous? a few times, but usually other people had to tell me they were famous lmao

23. do you keep a diary or journal? nah, i tried a few times but it’s not for me

24. do you prefer to use pen or pencil? pen

25. what is your star sign? aquarius sun, sagittarius moon, scorpio rising

26. do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? mostly crunchy, but there is one i always let to soak for a few minutes and then eat it like a soup. it’s a real problem

27. what would you want your legacy to be? something helpful, something for those that will come after us

28. do you like reading? What was the last book you read? oh yeah, i’m always reading something. the last book was Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender and i loved it very much, even though i usually don’t like romance

29. what are you afraid of? being ignored, irrelevant and out of touch

30. what is your favorite scent? the sea

31. do you address older people by their name or surname? surname. like i don’t call anybody by their given name until they say i should, it actually makes things awkward sometimes

32. if money was not a factor, how would you live your life? in a small house near the ocean in Italy of course

33. do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? take a wild guess

34. what would you do if you found $50 in the ground? like i would probably look around, and if someone obviously is distressed/looking for it i’d probably give it to them, but otherwise? lunch is on me friends

35. if you were to get a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? i just got one actually! It says Liberté, Équité, Ou la Morte. I didn’t want to write out Fraternité, so the words are around the assassin’s symbol (as in “brotherhood”)

36. what can you hear now? the noise of the office. it could get overwhelming fast, so i might take a smoke break soon

37. where do you feel the safest? when i know i’m completely alone

38. if you could travel back to any era, what would it be? i mean. how long can i stay? if the answer is years, i’d go to America just before the revolution, then hop over to France for their revolution & Napoléon’s reign

39. what is your most used emoji? i actually really hate emojis? like nothing could replace a good old :D

40. describe yourself using one word. critical

41. what do you regret the most? who i was when i was young. like i know it was a relatively good outcome with my childhood, but still. not cool

42. last movie you saw? Hamilton! and it was great and i urge everyone to pirate it and watch it

43. last tv show you watched? Community. A friend was over at my place this weekend and she wanted to watch it so much

44. invent a word and its meaning: thalaessen - the bond you forge with fictional people and worlds

okay, i’m gonna tag @etspera, @haythamsama, @bunnymoss and @joshg1973 but if anyone wanna give it a try feel free (and don’t forget to tag me)!

#tagging game #hitsu talks #tagging meme

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nadjastersurveys · 3 years

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1. What was the last thing you ate? I ate some pasta with veggies. 2. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? People with a nice sense of humor, kind and friendly people. You know, stuff like that. 3. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? Nothing stupid happened, we just drifted apart. 4. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex for? - 5. What reality shows do you watch? I don’t watch any, there’s just too much drama and they’re really annoying.

6. Post a video of yourself here: No, I definitely won’t lol. 7. Where do you work? I don’t work anywhere. 8. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? I didn’t get in it, no. 9. Where do you buy most of your clothes? Random stores, mostly online. 10. Are there any people on xanga that you’d like to actually know? I’m not on Xanga, so.

11. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? I have no idea. I have no dream jobs or anything like that, I don’t know what I want to do even if I was smart enough to do anything. 12. What’s your most irrational fear? Bugs? Idk they’re just scary. Like butterflies and flies as well LMAO. 13. How many radio stations do you listen to? I don’t listen to it. 14. What kind of music do they have? - 15. What bank do you use? Not telling you. 16. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? I would love to go to Hawaii for the sake of equality since I haven’t been there, I’ve been to Greece already. 17. Musicals: Yay or Nay? No from me. i don’t like watching them. 18. What have you eaten today? I ate pasta just a while ago, yogurt and some berries for breakfast and then I had some bread as well. 19. Have you ever called in and voted for someone on american idol or another show like it? No, I don’t watch those shows. 20. What size bra do you wear? I don’t know, I only use sports bras and they mostly have the S, M, L etc. sizing. And I’m usually size S.

21. What’s your myspace URL? Not on Myspace. 22. What do all your saved texts say? I don’t save the texts, my phone does it for me and it saves them all you know.

23. Do you still talk to your exs? No exes. 24. Is your accent common for where you live? I don’t have an accent. When I speak English however, I guess then my accent is pretty common for the people from this country idk. 25. Do you support your city/state sports teams? No. 26. How did you meet your boyfriend? Don’t have one and I don’t even want one. 27. Are your parents constantly breathing down your neck? No they’re not. Not constantly anyway, they can get worried sometimes about things that seem small to me I guess though. 28. Have you ever cheated on a significant other? What did you do? No. 29. Is there someone that’s always there for you, no matter what? My family and close friends. 30. What does your watch look like? I don’t own a watch. 31. Is there any beauty product that you like so much that you’d recommend it to others? Nah. 32. What time do you go to bed on work nights? School nights? I go to bed around midnight nowadays. 33. Does your pet mean everything to you? Yes they doo. 34. What’s the stupidist thing someone has messaged you about? Idk, can’t think of anything. 35. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? I’m not going to any. 36. Do you have a movie watchers card? Now what’s that? 37. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? I texted my friend asking her how she liked the movie she was watching. 38. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? I loooove hugging but you need to be a close person to me obviously. I don’t just go and hug everyone. I hug my close friends and family members(mostly my younger brother). 39. How much is gas where you live? I have no idea. I don’t drive obviously. 40. What’s a restaurant near you that has interesting food? Interesting food? I don’t know, I guess there’s no restaurants with interesting food around here. 41. Do you use post it notes often? No. 42. What’s the most money you’ve spent on a concert ticket? Zero, never been to a concert. 43. Do you like mexican food? It’s okay. No my favorite but I can eat it. 44. What size pants do you wear? I don’t know. 45. Some annoying songs are: There’s plenty but obviously I can’t think of any examples right now. 46. Is there a pool in your backyard? Hahaa, nope. 47. Do your parents trust you to stay the night at your boyfriend’s house? If I had a boyfriend, I’m not so sure hahaha. I wouldn’t even know if I would let my 16 year old daughter do that, soooo. 48. How do you like your steak? I don’t eat steak. 49. Don’t you just hate running into people you know? Yeah, it can be awkward. 50. If you weren’t born in the US, how long have you lived here? Well I wasn’t born in the US and I don’t live in the US, I have never lived there, so stop assuming lmao.

#survey

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lakeblutomski · 3 years

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so some updates um it's on the mob

i know who it was that's sending some message now it was a blonde male from the basketball and also another was his favorite restaurant an italian place landini brothers the waiter person there who one day i saw had tattoos don't know if that's real but those conspirators and things upset about and the mafia um education popularity

also the other person the georgia roommate parts about that one was someone was i think didn't follow the elephant republican side effects all the all the way to the bottom and backed out and another mentor figures sex thoughts so peoples life purposes and holes in stories or ejaculation

lots of people still trying to keep tabs on me the local alexandrians like someone now trying to off the um person who allegedly is crazy and witness protection program so pimps bookies um my dad and his career so not brando someone else and different people i know i can point out of a crowd their off base bullying (thus always to tyrants va or other personalities that if i thought i'd know who it was)

snitching um scanned 3 magazines um things people weren't familiar with and passionate love affairs teachers lessons um synopsis peoples secrecy missing people the drug business um

the school people so that whole thing sort of lumped as les miserables despite i think a rumor was actual legitamite french had eaten bodily fluids and my citizenship over there um cousin and masturbation secret rooms muslims um

so what's out there um not really offended or well i guess that's not me so moving on um the hbo sopranos and peoples attrition to um secrecy the senator these characters in the plot mario puzo the god father or um still pointlessness it's not real it's as the georgian even said and found out it's a lie

so um misled um old personalities it's the same people it's the same earth coincidentally you don't really um leave the familiarity online predators and plots on the sex schemes um the next door website and being denied service um back to va and things that'll happen as that is dealt with in reality so me um think tomorrow should go okay mostly i'd rather do this then the other stuff due to last times lessons

peoples um education formatted to outrageous cockameeny things like murders prostitutes drug addiction um divorces misled reenlistment

coincidentally another was the oh fbi watchlist actually works for me but it was that oh my entertainment career was destroyed but i am ok sort of um oh all these true things i said that turn out to be completely true so like things i even predict or notice such as i was going to do a here's who the people notifying me are list of them and their motives all of that stuff but then you can't really do much

so there's my i believe jewish roommate from vcu and the intro to someone who had the same name as dexter there's that

there's the person i labeled muslim from maybe isa before the close with sports bets

um there's the thai guitarist who was violent and showed drug systems distribution

there's the artist with the road bike and all of them

there's the new yorkers further about the it was crime syndicates or representatives

my brother and me trying to not have him get into messy things

saw mccusker the other day his i image outrageous career

the west potomac

an example of the true story i see i am at anita's and say that here's what i think this is it's drugs rockstars um transgenders then am reminded there's the coheed and cambria taking back sunday miami tour on a cruise ship

so this one um the big release with the prequelle to the sopranos is ramping up other times things ramp up new school year anniversaries sometimes secretive um election day other changes

so the jewish ghetto and the term is about um hidden societies the amish um oh trafficking births and the city lens on that there's like the yankees or those companies maggiano's is over here

peoples kids going missing um that's some music history is a tangent but um your profession and your passion for fun um love affairs the term was trap lords for getting somehow incriminated

i think a cop family kid both may be going closer towards the std i deemed broken needles so that being hogging sex and then replies to that um other things spokesperson tattoos their lost and getting losed in the crime worlds with the badge as as stated knowing people parents um wills and that trying to agitate and mislead see the story of insurance or the holocaust or others fixed stalking

the doctor maybe mistaken but maybe he is a social worked power on how people will get cornered or dead ends see third eye blind their hit single semi charmed life

ok so different lots of the west potomac's that clothes look affiliation from the veterans affairs off post from fort belvoir and blasting on civilians um a university brand law things followers

the anonymous computer gang one focal point a personality in school others um even unknowns but some if paying attention knowing it like hackers met or which one

mil attempted lifers um benefits arrivals presentation

ok so the drug world a manager teeth missing and pharmacy people the food and drug reps like jansen or dr hines and me getting mostly blessed from them sit here tell what i saw then everythings ironed out and provided for and don't raise the alarms little checkpoints so the term a made man

um who to listen to now there's like shoe box stops on that like don't click that it'll show up and you'll so hearing damage in the neighborhood um the usmc childhood person and all the people branched off from that

ok so the adultery part don't get upset and my parents business so there was other parts tax collectors that's a movie too but people in government so that mentality um sex breaks how that works spirit breaking um different factions arts and education alternatives the record store and others calling but ironies and foolishness

the married so my parents provided for the future um the beneficiary people the school so peoples teaching lesson on that get him pussy you get reward and certificate and people pursuing hiv

um the person from this site that'd be other richmonders um publishers and asians category um inherent vice pynchon defectors

so the cops or which one is it now knowing which local personality the sports gamers with the mortgage clouts those people swinging through um

over here no one showing up to um well there's the cleaners reports so told about a popular middle school person and different branches from that the caverns (rhymes with taverns) and that's like the beatles

tearjerkers from others someone might be gay and eating bodily fluids and lots of people outsourcing schools favors vandalism jumping someone um wild stuff

carrier pigeons the leader the name movie references and um hmm georgian life that like no not near the potomac river something about that as a comfort the reagan airport um the land locked part nebraska others crazy out landish quests

sex tourism here um higher roads and maybe rewards coincidentally

porn changes not interracial and um hanger ons

so getting flattered the sicilian

so the professor his getting me and working together that'd be him and a dwarf (references to books on deciphering and telephone a galaxy) so them typing up a home made gift for me and other things penis guitar um public opinions

grand dad looked mostly okay getting skeletony skeletal um get him out of the keeping place for now heard of hospital for dehydration assume that's actually his two kids who live with him bullying him like head games from their background but so hmm see some of these old timers just keep on going getting the right kick on

so the birchmere club thought haven't been as often little hearing issue but there's a personality there who maybe mistaken i openly we talked about lgbtq that explanation so them um the cool cop who'll show you your way everything high strung think when i was in restaurants pees tips so what's the new music um kingston trio vinyl in my case

showing up for what and the muslims that handled so iraq afghanistan jerusalem like crazy veteran stories more than just a black hat with a caregiver seated going somewhere the turbo

harrisonburg so hearsay um sex addiction drug dealers game zones um vices vices so peoples short cuts a restaurant what common knowledge and directions will tell you as in my case 'cop outs' don't always work also fault finding that now

saw the stones later this like bad ass dangerous turtle thing in head like also british things humor um national geographic a big rollins head the um discipline and some of these song bird stories at dc a nickname was song bird mccain

the blacks vietnam um smokers

people infusing sex with games and other unoffensive details

my blood pressure cuff

calm and relaxed there's some doctors the maybe not retirement circuit so active duties um the reward they got for their effort sex gains and freedoms um then drug scripts the pharmacy that legal and head ache frustration free

so others a painting um american claude monet blonde blue eyes um the other games workshop mcfarlane not as much facebook but um maybe second veteran not generation but va gi bill voc rehabers um each person corner the gays um asian food um high octane and the nfl um each of these then the high traffick time how forgetful

sex

so banned books and others things um words um usages exhale america

ok so thought the real time was sort of not possible though i continued and also it was the other things insurance modesty explaining the guy instead of bill gill um popeye's um over here different map and cool cars um attitude or misleading um

did also thing despite it was very viewed i clicked to see how many two nephew visiting weekly maids

drama going on um the moles in tradoc and apparent back breakers injection knock out drills um phases so new lifes abandoning others um grossness as a weapon unemployment throughout um not annoying transgender um drunkenness inebriated highs um the ivy leaguers and the libraries and effects of purchases

youtube online publishers um companies sites a cafe caffeine um old memories of rare limited edition entertainment

so the story soon movie survey

0 notes

your-rose-highness · 6 years

Text

Cherry Blossoms (ch 13)

It was bright and clear. I could see every little detail on her skin. She was deep asleep, her face buried close to my neck. I hadn’t known anything more beautiful. She was the epitome of it all. Peace overcame my senses as I watched her sleep, her chest rising and falling rhythmically. Brushing away a strand of hair from her cheeks, I noticed that she was crinkling from the cold. I covered us again, I didn’t want her to wake up yet. I wanted this moment to last. To think, I almost lost this, her. I’ve found my person. She was it.

Coffee? Are you up baby?

Familiar voice. Baekhyun.. was I dreaming about him?

Coffee? I have to leave. It’s 6.

When I woke up Baekhyun was gone. It felt weird. I wished he had stayed till I woke up. I reached for my phone immediately to call him and found a post it on it.

Hey babe. I tried to wake you up, but you seemed too tired so I thought I’d leave a note instead. I loved yesterday. Btw, you’re giving me the whole of today. I need you.

PS :I’m sorry. Hye Jin saw me.

Hye Jin-saw-me. Grim reaper stood waiting for me in the hall.

Oh no wait, I have a defence too.

Straightening my dress, and opening the curtains to let the sunday rays seep into the room, I made my way to the hall.

Hye Jin was up and dusting the pillows.

“Good morning!” She called out as she saw me walk to the kitchen to grab some water.

“Good morning!” I chirped in response.

“You seem in a fine mood, roomie..”

“Really? I’m always fine though.”

“Ah. Is it now?”

“You yourself seem rather chirpy this morning.”, I counterattacked.

“I witnessed something delightful.”

I didn’t answer her after that. We cleaned up and made a quick breakfast of bread and eggs. We mostly ate in silence only talking at times to discuss what groceries we needed for the next week. Finally, she blurted.

“I saw him. Baekhyun.”

I was just about to bite into my last slice of bread…

“Hmm.”

“Hmm? That’s it? Woman! I just told you I saw him creeping out of your room this morning.”

“Yeah, he slept in.”

“Bullshit.”

“He did!!! He didn’t want to leave.”

After a long pause she continued, “so…. How was it?”

My eyes searched her questioningly, “How was what?”

“Oh c'mon! We’re all adults here!”, She yelled throwing up her arms in the air.

“HYE JIN! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU THINKING? WE DIDN’T!”

“Oh please. I see your marks.”

Marks? What marks? What was she talking about?

She observed my face scrunch in confusion.

“You have hickeys. All over your neck.”

OH MY GOD. BYUN BAEKHYUN.

I ran to check in a mirror. She was right. I had bluish marks on my neck, too evident.

“You didn’t know?”, Laughed Hye Jin, clearing out our plates.

“Okay I know it looks bad, but trust me, we just slept.”

“Fine.”, She said, suppressing a giggle.

“By the way. I have something to tell you. I’m hurt.” , I started adding a dash of suspense in the air.

She raised her eyes in response, curiosity was gripped her.

“I heard you. You and Yong.”, I admitted.

I watched patiently, as her eyes grew bigger as she realised that the tables had turned.

“Okay. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. But you were already so miserable. Yong wouldn’t let me. He felt that us being all lovey-dovey would hurt you further. We didn’t get a chance to tell you yesterday. Obviously.”, She hopped as she explained.

“ I know. I understand. You guys coming in was partly the reason why he didn’t leave last night. Still though, I thought you had a thing for Yixing sunbae?”

She smiled, “well, he’s cute.. but it just happened that Yong and I clicked better. Thanks roomie for having such an amazing bestfriend. I owe you one.”

“He is a nice person. I’m happy for you!”, I hugged her.

“He is nice. Ah, you don’t know they way he kisses me.. he…”

“HYE JIN. STOP. He’s my bestfriend. I don’t want to know the details.”

“But…”

“No. I’m a literature student. I imagine way too much.” I cut her off.

Her eyes sparkled in mischief, as soon as the sentence left my mouth, “ohhhh really now? So tell me, what have you imagined about Baekhyun?”

“What! No!”, I retorted.

“Oh please! The guy just kissed the hell out of you and you say you didn’t imagine. C'mon tell me, is he really that hot? Like you know when he’s kissing you and stuff…. Spill it!”

“He’s..he’s really romantic..”

“That’s it?”

“What else do you want?”

“Babe. Romantic doesn’t earn you that.” She said pointing towards my neck.

I blushed furiously.

Baekhyun hadn’t called all morning, in the afternoon I decided to call him myself. Surprisingly, Chanyeol lifted the call.

“Hey Y/N! I’m sorry. But Baek can’t come to the phone right now. He’s sleeping. Like a log.”

“Oh okay. It’s just that we were supposed to meet a little later. He didn’t contact me all day so…”

“No don’t worry he told me he was spending the day with you. He’ll be up soon. And I’ll have him call you.”

“Thank you sunbae.”

Yong came over for lunch and brought along some take out. We three sat around the table and shared the food.

“Yong. She knows. About us.”

Yong stopped mid way of slurping his soup and looked at me.

“Oh. Is it? Y/N, we’re sorry for not telling you. But I couldn’t hurt you more than you already were.”

“I know”, I nodded sympathetically.

He resumed eating, “ I heard you had quite a wild night with Baekhyun last night.”

My eyes shot towards Hye Jin who had bursted out laughing.

“Hye Jin!!!!!” I screamed.

“We had to use makeup to cover up her hickeys Yong.”, She managed to blurt in between.

Yong was laughing too, “wow Y/N”

“No. Stop. You guys! Don’t tease me!!!”

After lunch, we sat on the couch and watched a movie. I felt as though they wanted to have some alone time now that they didn’t have to hide anything from me and could be more free, but I couldn’t get up. Finally my phone rescued me.

“Hello?”

“Hey angel.”

Baekhyun. His voice was still groggy with sleep. He sounded too sexy.

“Sunbae. Are you okay?”

“Yes coffee I’m fine.”

“I called earlier.”

“I know, Chanyeol left me a note. Not that I needed any. I’d have called you anyway.”

“If you are tired, you can get some more sleep. We can meet up tomorrow.”

“No way. I’m getting ready. Did you eat?”

“Yes, Yong brought us lunch.”

Silence.

“Hello..?”

“He’s there? Now?”, His voice was deep now.

“Yea.”

“I’m coming over.”

“Uh.. okay. Cool.”

That was weird. There was no reason why he would feel jealous. Yong was dating Hye Jin. He knew that.

In half an hour, he was out, ringing the doorbell. I hurried to open the door, I was dressing up a bit so that I wouldn’t look all weird by his perfection.

He had dressed casually, a hoodie and ripped jeans. I almost hugged him because he looked so fluffy but the eyes behind my back bore holes into them.

“Hi babe.” Baekhyun walked in and instinctively kissed my cheek before taking off his shoes.

Hye Jin and Yonghwa got up to greet him. Both smiling from end to end.

“Hello Hye Jin. I’m sorry to have scared you this morning.”, Baekhyun apologized.

“ It’s okay sunbae! I know you guys needed sometime together.” , She giggled.

“Hyung.”, Yong greeted Baekhyun.

“Hello Yonghwa. Before I forget, congratulations. Coffee and I realised you were dating last night.”

“We realised a lot about you two, this morning, sunbae.”, Hye Jin said cheekily.

“Hmm?”, Baekhyun asked puzzled.

I sensed it. “Hye Jin. Don’t.”

Baekhyun turned to look at me, “don’t what?”

“I’ll tell you later.”, I told him quickly.

“But now I’m curious.”

“Haha. I’ll let Y/N tell you later. She’s embarrassed.”, Hye Jin muttered.

“Okay tell me.”, Baekhyun said turning to me.

“We’ll leave you two alone.”, Yong nodded dragging Hye Jin off to the balcony.

Baekhyun and I went to the kitchen. The idiot hadn’t eaten and I had some rice with which I decided to make fried rice for him.

He sat on the kitchen table as I mixed the ingredients.

“What was she talking about?” , He murmured.

“She was just teasing.”

He hopped down and wrapped his hands around my waist from behind as i cooked.

“I always wanted to do this.” He said, bending to kiss my shoulder.

“You left bruises on my neck.” I said, as he trailed up from my shoulder to my ear.

“Me? Really??” He turned me to look at my neck. “Where?”

“It’s covered. Hye Jin covered it before Yong came over.”

“Wow.”

“Wow? Sunbae, I’ll have to cover up for a couple of days now.”, I pouted.

“Well, I had to mark you.”

I looked up at him seeking an explanation.

“You’re my girl.”

“Are you a vampire?”

He chuckled.

“Quick coffee! I’m hungry! I had to run over here! See. I even lost weight.” Baekhyun said, pouting and then checking his face on the cabinet that reflected his image.

“Drama queen.”, I murmured.

“Drama king would be more like it.”

He was indeed starving. He didn’t talk while eating, just quickly gobbled up all of it, till the last grain.

“Ah. I’m full. You cook well princess. It was yummy. I’m going to come over whenever I skip meals now.”, He smiled at me.

“You have too many names for me.”

“Coffee will be my regular, the others, well, it’ll depend on the situation.”

“What situations?”

Baekhyun looked at me, and then covered his face with both his hands, “I can’t explain! I’m shy!”

Oh my god.

“Sunbae! God!”, I rolled my eyes at him.

He was happy. He looked carefree. I loved this side of him.

Hye Jin came in after a while.

“Sunbae, y/n! Let’s go on a group date.”

“Hmm! Not a bad idea…”, Baekhyun said, his eyes following me as I got up to get changed, “where are you going?”

“You said we’ll go out.”

“You look fine. You don’t need to get changed.”

“But this is just a Jean and..”

“Coffee. You look perfect. Oh by the way….” He got up and started searching his pockets. He fished out a pair of yellow socks.

“This. Put this on. You get cold really quick. These will keep you warm.”

I took them, only to find Pikachu drawn on them.

“Really Sunbae?”

“Whaaaat!? These are the girliest pair I own!”

“You wear Pikachu socks?”

He bent to whisper in my ears, “yeah don’t tell people. It’s my secret.”

I chuckled at his confession.

“What else did you have?”

“I have superheroes, apart from this.”

“IronMan?”,I asked hopefully.

“Yeah! An amazing one! You like them?”, He excitedly chirped.

“I do! Tony stark is my favourite!” I cried.

“Shouldn’t I be your favourite?”, He pouted.

“Do you own an iron suit?”, I cheekily said.

“So mean…”

It was the most beautiful evening. Baekhyun’s charm had spreaded to Yonghwa as well, as well, seeing that he really enjoyed his company a lot. Their common interests made the men really euphoric. This was the first time I had seen Yonghwa so different. He was talking to Hye Jin differently. When I told Baekhyun about it, he smirked and said, “that’s his girlfriend now. I wouldn’t treat Hye Jin and you the same, right?”

After walking around a bit, Baekhyun dragged us to a clothing store where he insisted I buy a jacket since I got colder-than-normal.

“I don’t get colder than normal.”, I persisted.

“Oh really?”, He held my hand to prove his point. “See. My hands are warm, but you sweetheart are freezing.”

“That’s why it feels so cozy when I hold your hand.”

“I love that. But I’d rather you keep warm first. Then I’ll hold your hand to keep you extra warm.”

After dinner, where Baekhyun fussed over the things I could eat, the four of us headed back. It was getting really cold in Korea. I would have shivered without the jacket.

Our quiet chats were interrupted, when Hye Jin shrieked into the air.

“What what! What is it??”, Yonghwa asked worriedly.

“There’s a cat!”, She pointed at a small kitten behind a bush.

“Oh my so cute!!”, I exclaimed.

“Y/N don’t touch it.”, Hye Jin grabbed my jacket as I walked towards the kitten.

“It’s so small Hye Jin! It can’t harm you.”

��Are you scared of cats?”, Baekhyun curiously asked.

“She had an episode with cats when she was young. Kittens and their mom was somewhere close by and she decided to hold one. The cats attacked her immediately.”, Yonghwa retold.

“They’re scary!”, Hye Jin cried.

“Honestly, cats or dogs, they would have done the same way. The mommy thought you wanted to harm the offsprings.” I defended.

Everyone started walking back, while I played with the kitty for a while.

“Coffee.. c'mon.”, Baekhyun called, after stopping for me.

“Aww it’s so cute!!! I want to take it!”, I stomped.

“No! I’ll kill you!”, Hye Jin yelled.

“I want it!!” I persisted. I never had a pet even though I loved cats and dogs. This time I was determined to take it with me.

“Do you want it so bad?” Baekhyun kneeled beside me.

“I do!”

“Hye Jin?”

“No way sunbae! I’m scared!”

“Keep it in your room?”, Yonghwa suggested.

“How can I constrain it to just my room?”

“Fine. Give it to me. I’ll keep it. You can play with it and do everything and just leave it with me. Is that okay?”, Baekhyun suggested.

“You’d keep a pet for me?”, I eyed him.

“What else can I do? She won’t let you keep one, you won’t leave it.”

“Do you like cats?”

“I’m a dog person, but I can handle it, it’s cute and small.”, He said picking up the kitten.

A rush of emotions filled me. He was really doing it all. I hopped on my toes to give him a kiss on the cheek, “thank you sunbae!”

His ears turned red. More so evident with his skin tone.

“Umm. It’s okay really. But this is good. Keep doing this and I’ll REALLY take care of the cat.”, He mumbled.

“You don’t see a guy who gives hickeys to blush over a kiss everyday now.”, Hye Jin cheekily commented.

Holding the little cat in my arms, we walked towards our dorm. When we reached, we all said our goodbyes. Baekhyun held my hand and tugged on it to hold me back.

“Wait…” he whispered.

I asked Hye Jin to head upstairs first and Yonghwa left after a quick peck on Hye Jin’s cheek too. He was shy.

When everyone had left, Baekhyun wrapped his arms around me.

“I didn’t get to hold you today.”, He cried.

“Will you really be able to keep the cat sunbae?”

“Oppa.”

“What?”

“I’m not your sunbae anymore. You should call me oppa.”

“Isn’t oppa for brother? Hye Jin calls Jongdae Sunbae oppa.”

“You call your boyfriend oppa too.”

“It’s weird though.”

“You can’t call me sunbae. It’s too distant. I’m your boyfriend. So you HAVE to call me oppa.”

“Can I call you Baekhyun?”

“No. I’m older than you. You have to call me oppa.”

“Sunbae sounds nice…”

“Yah. I’m your oppa. You gotta call me oppa.”

“What will you call me?”

“Coffee…”

“Why.. isn’t their any term for me? Something for a girlfriend?”

“Yes. Jagi.. roughly translates to baby..”

“So cheesy….”

“Jagi” Baekhyun cooed.

He bent down, gliding his lips over mine softly. This effect instantly made me crave his lips. I wanted to kiss him. I leaned in to deepen but he moved away. He saw my face fall, puzzled.

“Say oppa.”, He demanded.

“No.. kiss me!”, I said pulling his collar to level his face with mine.

“Look at her. Yah, shouldn’t you be shy? How can you directly say that to me.” He stated, delirious with laughter.

“Sunbae….”, I whined.

He kissed me this time. Wrapping his one arm around my waist and holding the kitten in the other. I gripped his collar pulling him closer. It seemed as though we were meeting after a long time. He deepened the kiss, allowing his tongue to explore my lips. I craved for him. His scent, the heat radiating from him, the passionate kiss, made me light headed. We broke apart, both gasping for air. Smiling at each other, he held my hand and kissed my wrist.

Baekhyun was the light after the dark tunnel. I had found him.

“How did that feel?”, He asked meeting my gaze.

“What?”

He kissed my wrist again.

“It’s nice. Gives me butterflies.”, I said.

“Thank god. I googled it. I didn’t know this.” He said holding my hand to his face, caressing it.

I laughed out loud at his confession, “Who’d have thought that a playboy also Google things like this!?”

“Hey. I never needed to. Women are drawn to me anyway. But this is different. I want to make you feel special. You… you don’t mean the same to me as the others. I’ll prove it to you Coffee. I’ll love you way more than you can imagine.”

I couldn’t find words to this. This feeling of being loved beyond measure. He still had my palm against his cheek.

“What are you thinking?”, He asked.

“I love you.”

His eyes lit up. Pulling me into an embrace, he buried his head in my neck.

“I love you coffee.. you’re my angel.”

We stayed a little over an hour after that. We played with the cat and I told him how he could take care of it.

“Just… don’t treat it like how you would treat a dog, and you should be fine.”

“Okay. I got it.”, He nodded.

“What do we name it?”

“You’re it’s mother, you tell me.”

“I’m it’s mother? Hahaha.”

“Yeah! You are.”

“Fine, what about caramel? Since it’s little brown?”

“Caramel? I’ll end up calling it car, you’ll get annoyed then.”

“Bacon….”

He glared at me at that.

“Okay, how about Milly?”

“Okay. Milly has a good ring to it.”

“Alright! Milly it is then!” I chimed.

“Welcome to the family, Milly!” Baekhyun picked up the cat, making it dance.

Honestly, the kitten looked worried.

28 notes · View notes

elle-stevens · 5 years

Text

The Break Up Blog - Day Eighteen

Ladies Night at the bar turned out to be more fun than I initially expected.

I was at home yesterday having eaten half a big bowl of chicken and shrimp fried rice and enjoying my new Chinese drama. I almost felt too comfortable to leave my apartment. But I gave myself a pep-talk about being more sociable and meeting my friends like I planned. Then I met C outside our apartment complex and we took a cab to the bar.

Our mutual friend, AM, who convinced both C and I to go to Ladies Night with her, joined us 10 minutes after we arrived. I’m glad I went to Ladies Night. Even though I get super reserved around people I don’t know, a few people approached me and chatted with me, including a woman who’s also from South Africa like me. I got a nice surprise when one of my new acquaintances, R, turned up at the bar too.

R is a Pilates instructor and I first met her when I consulted her on some neck problems I developed from my sleeping posture a few months ago. She helped me out a lot with improving my overall posture and I’m toying with the idea of even taking some of her Pilates classes in the near future. It doesn’t hurt that she has a warm and vivacious personality and a killer body that would make a monk weep. I’ll admit, I was pretty attracted to her when we first met while I was dating X, but it wasn’t anything like what happened with L. And that was mainly because I decided early on that I wasn’t going to make my penchant for shameless perving into something more serious and amorous. Anyway, it was good seeing her at the start of the night, even though she disappeared right after that.

I still found myself looking around the bar for any sign of R while me, C and AM laughed up a storm. AM is just a ball of infectious energy and positivity, it’s damn near difficult to be miserable in her company. I told her about X and I’m glad for it because she was very kind about it. She even seemed keen on reading these break-up blog posts of mine, which made me a little embarassed. Sure, I’m already sharing my private thoughts with what might be a score of nameless strangers online, but that’s only because I thought people didn’t really care about what I’ve been writing in the first place. But the more I type out my thoughts, the more I realise just how many people are helping me through this process of moving on from X and gaining a better outlook on life.

I mostly drank free red and white wine at the bar, which got me feeling really tipsy after a short time. Me, C and AM met a new girl at the bar just as we were leaving named AN who’s Russian. She spontaneously invited the three of us to join her at a night club across the street with the promise of more free drinks. I didn’t really care about the alcohol, but I definitely wanted to keep the positive buzz of the wine going through my system for a little bit longer, so I agreed. I was trying to unwind from the stresses of work and distract myself from the loss of X, I figured I was due some unscripted fun for a change.

It was actually my first time ever in a night club. I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life up till now and living on my own abroad has been the only time where I’ve been allowed to have adventures and misadventures alike. I’m glad my first night club wasn’t as big or as crowded as the ones you see in movies. This club had a very relaxed atmosphere with only a few people in the building. I started chugging down a glass of Coke and whiskey when AN asked me if I wanted to play pool with her. I’m no great shakes at it, but I like playing whenever I’m in a bar, so I agreed. At this point, C, AM and I were well on our way to getting ‘cliche’ wasted. But I managed to stay lucid and on my feet and even won at pool after lots of poorly constructed shots with my cue.

After that, I drank and I danced. And then, I drank even more while dancing. The music was really good and it took my alcoholic buzz to new and extraordinary heights. In that moment, I felt happy and free. I almost wished that X could see just how happy I was without her. But that was just the alcohol talking; it gives me a false sense of bravado which lifts me to my pinnacle only to send me crashing hellwards when I eventually sober up.

These were these neon signs of broken hearts on the walls and while I danced, my fingers kept pointing to them and whispering X’s name in a mantra. Even in my heightened sense of frivolity, my subconscious was still trying to alert me to what I truly feel when no one else is around. I’m not over X; I probably won’t be for a while. I wish that we’d gone clubbing together at least once and just danced the night away in each other’s arms. That will never be now and because of that, I kept dancing and dancing, but just for myself.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have chugged down a glass a wine and about 4 glasses of Coke and whiskey without sips of water in-between. That hit me hard after I said goodbye to AN and C and I managed to put AM into a taxi without any of us running into the streets. My stomach really hurt during the taxi and my head was spinning from the alcohol. I finally couldn’t hold it in and rolled down the window so I could puke while the car was still in motion. I ended up making a bit of a mess on the side of the car door. By the time I reached my apartment complex, I had to climb out of the car and kept hurling on the ground. The experience was pretty mortifying, especially when C had to pay extra for our taxi ride because of the mess I made. But she was very nice about it and took me home because I could no longer walk on my own feet. She helped me onto the sofa and even put a bucket down on the floor in case I needed to throw up again before leaving me to sleep. Despite embarassing myself before then, I managed to get 5 hours of peaceful and uninterrupted sleep.

Naturally, I felt like shit this morning. I got my wish from a week ago: the need to get blindingly drunk. I had my very first hangover today and it was not fun. My eyes were puffy and felt heavy all day long. The thought of eating anything greasy made my stomach churn and my head was pounding for most of the day. Still, I put on a brave face and even laughed about it with C, CI and PE at our desks during the day. I was probably not in the best physical state to deal with my rowdy students, but I remedied that by downloading a video with sounds that only young children can hear to torture them every time they got too noisy and ignored my instructions in class.

I managed to leave work on time and make it home for my Skype interview with S. I’m not entirely I nailed it or made a good impression, I was pretty nervous. But hopefully, there’ll be other opportunities to make a second good impression that will stick. Even though nothing’s on the horizon yet with finding a new job, I feel about my life in general this week than I did a week ago. I have to just keep showing up and pray that a door doesn’t get slammed in my face.

After my whacky adventures from the night before and a busy day at school along with an interview, I expected to feel worse for wear. But I’m actually feeling ok now, like I can actually muster up enough energy to exercise at the gym tonight. And I got paid today; surviving a month of a low bank balance finally paid off in more ways than one. I”m probably going to end up spending half of my salary on this weekend alone with paying off subscriptions, saving up for rent, sending money back to South Africa to replenish my savings and buying things for the apartment like appliances and groceries. But I’m gonna try not to mind too much. It’s better to have money I can actually spend than having no money at all.

I have a meeting with another school tomorrow. If that goes well, I’ll get some extra income from teaching for a few hours on the weekends. After that, I’ll need to buy some groceries and then I’ll have lunch with KI, one of my new friends, on Sunday. I don’t like giving up my down time too much, but staying busy these days seems to be helping me. I’ve been alone with my morbid thoughts about X and our previous relationship for months now and I’m sick of it. I put my life and my dreams on hold for her one too many times; it’s time to start living again and being happy.

I had a weird moment when I opened up Paypal earlier and saw X’s account details on my screen. I used to help her out with money in the past; seeing my previous transactions were an uncomfortable reminder of how naive I was about X’s intentions for me. It smarted ever so slightly when I deleted X’s details from Paypal, but I’m glad I did it. I gave her too much of myself, including the contents of my bank account. Now I’m finally free of her manipulations. I’ve even decided to postpone sending back her crap, which was originally going to happen this weekend. There’s no real rush now, especially when I know that it will only be a matter of time before I’m finally over her. I might do it next weekend instead or I might not. I don’t want to make any decisions that I might have second thoughts about later. X may have controlled our relationship, but I’m going to control the break-up and how I carry myself throughout it all.

This has become a long post reflecting on my night-club exploits, so this is a good place to stop for now. I don’t really know what’s going to happen from here on out, but at least I know that I’m going to work at being my old, positive self again while it happens.

#breakupblog

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