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luckykiwiii101 · 6 months

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HOW TO CHANGE YOUR SELF CONCEPT AND MANIFEST YOUR DREAM LIFE WITHIN A WEEK!!!

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💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

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(For when you feel like you just can’t do it).

HEY YOU THERE!!!! Are you still in a continuing loop of not seeing ur desires? Of feeling lack? Feeling like there is so much weight on your shoulders and that your desires are out of reach?

Well believe it or not…we’ve all been in that position. We’ve all been in positions where we put our desires above us, too high to reach. That’s just called having a terrible self concept. And if you are familiar with the law of assumption, you know that self concept is REALLY IMPORTANT!!!

If you really believed that you can’t achieve what you want, then you wouldn’t be here in the first place. Reading this post. Surfing tumblr to read success stories and tips&advice. That tiny amount of faith you have says a lot. We’ve all been at that point, having little to no faith. I’ve been there, at one point i start doubting the law. But i knew i didn’t deserve to live a sad life, so i changed my inner self.

You know how the law works blah blah blah. One thing to familiarise yourself with is how “illogical” it is. This was a concept i didn’t grasp before. I thought it was ridiculous for people to wake up in their dream house, with their dream EVERYTHING. It felt so…unnatural and odd. I felt like things like that couldn’t happen. I thought maybe they tricked themselves into seeing that. But when i started to realise that we are just pure consciousness, everything changed.

First of all, people who manifested their dream life didn’t “teleport” to a different realm or anything. They just changed their awareness to their liking. You are aware of not living your dream life, so that is what you see. Everything in your life is based on your awareness. What you’re aware of. Are you aware of being a master manifestor? If so, then you are a master manifestor. Everything you accept to be real is REAL. YOU gave into the 3D and accepted it as real. That’s why every time something bad happens to you, you say “why is this happening to me!!! I’m so unlucky” etc. You accepting your undesired 3D circumstances as real is literally self sabotage. The only time where you can accept your 3D as real is when it is in your favour. The 4D (imagination) is the REAL and ONLY reality because the 3D cannot exist without it. Still don’t believe me? Remember the time when you really believed that something would happen and it did, for example believing that you would fail an exam. Anyway, i’m not going to try and convince you to believe in the law of assumption if you don’t already. Because no matter what, in a week or less your state will manifest. Belief or not. Wanna know why? You’ve manifested constantly your whole entire life before even knowing about the existence of the law. You did all that without believing in it. LMAO you literally manifested to find it difficult, without believing in it. The law is based on faith, not proof. Proof (which for most of you reading this is the 3D). Never see the 3D as “proof” of your manifestation. Why would you do that? Looking in the mirror after listening to a subliminal to check for results is accepting the 3D as proof. Being surprised when your manifestation “didn’t come” in the desired amount of time is accepting the 3D as proof. BUT HELLO?!?! The 4D IS THE REAL REALITY!!! THAT IS A FACT NO MATTER WHAT YOU BELIEVE!!! NOTHING CAN CHANGE THE FACT THAT THE 4D IS THE REAL REALITY!!!

The 4D is all you need when you desire something. Fulfill yourself in the 4D. The purpose of “feeling it real” is not to convince yourself that you have it. It’s to remind yourself that you do. Embody the state of having your desires. If you don’t know about states i really recommend reading a blog about them. It’s literally the foundation of the law!!! Your state manifests!!! Never come from a state of lack. Never affirm from a state of lack. Never visualise from a state of lack!!! When i knew about the law for some time, i thought i was trying to “convince” myself that i had my desires by “pretending” to have them and “acting as if” i had them. That is literally coming from a state of lack. That is literally accepting that you don’t have your desires. But the 4D is the real reality. So stop accepting your 3D circumstances as real, because they aren’t. They are so fake. Faker than my old friends. The 3D is literally just a product of your past assumptions. It is not real!!! It does not exist the moment you accept that it doesn’t. Why do you think people manifest instantly in the void? Waking up in their dream house/apartment with everything they’ve always wanted? Because the 3D isn’t real. It’s like an illusion. Focus your awareness on having your desires and that HAS TO reflect! Failure does not exist!! Failure does NOT exist!!! Got it? Lemme tell u something. One night i was reading a success story about the void state and waking up in a fricking CAR when they went to sleep in their bed. I was low key shocked to be honest but my mindset has improved since then and i’m not baffled anymore (this was about 2 days ago). I had an epiphany from there. I literally started to realise that the 3D is literally not real. You are just pure consciousness. Whatever you are conscious of, you will see. It’s not “teleporting”. It’s not “magical”. You’re not in a parallel universe far far farrrr away from your loved ones, being surrounded by clones (because that was what i thought before and i was TERRIFIED!!!) Look around right now. Look!!! Look at your surroundings. They aren’t real. That’s just the 3D. The real reality is the 4D. You aren’t “creating” anything. You are just focusing your awareness on the REAL reality (the 4D).

You do realise that you have manifested countless things during your life, unconsciously (without knowing). What makes you think that you can’t do it consciously? Why? Do you believe that you are unlucky? Have you brainwashed yourself that badly that you lost complete faith in the law? You literally manifested for things to be difficult for you…isn’t that disappointing? Luckily, you will use your power to your advantage this time, and not for self sabotaging.

I REALLY RECOMMEND READING @piercedblunt posts because she made me understand the law of assumption so well!!!!

You are going to follow this routine for a week!!! I promise it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to not materialise your dream life. Whether it’s:

- Revising people’s deaths, waking up in a mansion, waking up in a different country, waking up with your desired body and face, becoming an alien, being able to fly, growing wings, being able to talk to animals, being able to manifest in under 2 seconds.

STEP 1

- Embody the state of HAVING, not desiring. States are the easiest things ever. So ridiculously easy to embody.

HOW TO EMBODY A STATE:

ANGEL’S FULFILLMENT “CHALLENGE”

READ THIS!!!

PERSISTING = REMINDING

You should acknowledge that those limiting beliefs were just created by your fears CAUSED by the 3D.

LMAOOOO HOW IRONIC! The ONE thing holding you back was the 3D…and it turns out that IT ISN’T REAL!!! Isn’t that so relieving? Literally most and if not all problems people have had with the law of assumption was based on the 3D. Now that you’ve accepted that the 4D as the real reality, this will be so much easier!!! Ofcourse there are things like “intrusive thoughts” that scared you but you aren’t embodying the state of those instrusive thoughts are you? No, exactly, so they will not manifest. Thoughts do not manifest. States manifest.

Remember, when manifesting, the goal is not to “get”. Because you already have it.

IT IS LITERALLY TIME FOR YOU TO ACCEPT THAT YOU HAVE YOUR DREAM LIFE!!!! STOP PROCRASTINATING!!! I promise you, your desired life with materialise in a week or less. Never give up.

SOME SCOLDING RIGHT HERE!!!

#law of assumption #loassumption #loa tumblr #loablr #loa blog #loa success #manifestation #void state #void

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bibuddie · 22 days

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hiiieeee first and foremost…I love your blog! I just recently found/followed it and I can tell how invested and passionate you are about 9-1-1 and the fandom 🫶🏽 I just wanted to ask about something you answered in regard to your last ask— where you said “bucktommy isn't the intended end-goal” and that that’s pretty widely accepted within the fandom. which I can also see! I see that a lot of the fans are CONVINCED that this all leads to buddie in the end…

I guess I just wanna know…how are you SO confident that all of this is leading to buddie? I’ve read a few answers to asks on other blogs that briefly touch on this, and more than anything I want to believe it wholeheartedly (trust me!) but I feel like…idk part of me can’t help feeling they’re gonna pull the rug from under us and have it NOT lead to buddie. what has you so confident about this (and how can I be this confident lmao bc I really hate the doubt i’m feeling)?

hello!

first of all, i'm not sure if you're new to watching the show alltogether or just the tumblr fandom, but welcome! we're quite tight knit here but i'm sure you'll have a great time! <333

as to your question: there's a lot of reasons i'm confident that this is leading to buddie; honestly, there's been a lot of evidence over the years which tells us what's happening, and it could be an essay in and of itself. i'll try and summarise a few of the key points of evidence that, in my opinion, tell us where things are going (this will contain spoilers for any new fans of the show!!):

in eddie's very first episode (2x01), we see him for the first time on-screen through buck's pov. here, as we see eddie on screen, the son whatta man plays as eddie pulls his shirt on in slow-motion. to a lot of us, this is indicative of instant attraction/interest on buck's part, and gives us a major clue that something is happening here

in buck, actually (2x08), one of the main calls we see on the episode involves a gay couple, thomas and mitchell. when mitchell is pronounced dead, thomas and buck are sat on the ambulance and having a conversation, which goes as follows:

thomas: we only ever wanted to...to go together. that's love. buck: i'm sorry. i really am. i guess i can only hope to find something that good. thomas: you don't find it, son. you make it.

the idea that you don't find your love story, you have to put in the effort and make it becomes a recurring theme between buck and eddie. they manage to construct their own family unit consisting of themselves and chris over the years. the idea that they are a family already feeds into several different plot-lines over the years, perhaps most notably eddie's issues with ana and their eventual break up:

in episode 1 of season 5, eddie has a panic attack over a shop assistant thinking that ana was chris' mom. later, when he's talking to buck about it, he mentions how they became a ready made family...i'm not sure if i'm ready for that. when buck and eddie have been making their family for years now

eddie's entire breakup with ana was very queer-coded. honestly, watch the scene here, but ryan acted his absolute ass off and the entire thing reeks of eddie being a queer man at his core

honestly, one of the biggest bits of evidence we got in the first place was buck being confirmed as bisexual canonically. this allows us to thoroughly go back through and recontextualise a lot of interactions between buck and eddie over the years. two key scenes are the will scene (4x14 survivors) and the well scene (3x15 eddie begins). both of these scenes show buck and eddie in moments of vulnerability with one another, and show that their connection surpasses the connection which they have with anyone else

side note - i watched eddie begins yesterday, and the entire time eddie is drowning at the end of the episode, his life flashes before his eyes. all of this is chris, but a good chunk of the scenes also have buck in them.

again, there's a lot more i could point to, but these are the main things which stick out to me right now! i hope this answers your question!

#buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #i-love-tacoss #asks

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wolfwrenbrainrot · 6 months

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All the thoughts I ever had about SW ship wars from 2015 to 2023?? And why I ship Wolfwren I guess Idk

⚠️ DISCLAIMER ⚠️

I’ll be discussing the ship wars that are happening right now in the ahsoka fandom and compare it to how my perception about the fandom war that happened during the sequel era changed with the years). Oh, and I’m going to get into some tangencies that may not make much sense most of the time, so reading this to the end is on your own account. I ended up being a bit cynical too, but not in a mean way, I hope?

I usually give up everytime I start writing an opinion on tumblr, because most of the time I just think my opinion won’t change anything, but the ahsoka fandom got “revived” (not that it was dead, but, well, we haven’t had any new episodes and to an extent the most of us move on to others shows a little until we get new content, like it happened these last few days) and I’ve been thinking about this show all on my own for a while (my friends aren’t really into Star Wars stuff, so they can listen, but they’ll never GET IT like interacting with fans online will). I’m explaining myself too much, but all I mean by that is that by writing this, I don’t intend to add fuel to the fire. That’s why i won’t tag sab//ra, r//lo or mention the ships just because I don’t want to upset those of them that can have normal conversations about media nor trigger those that can’t (which, thankfully, doesn’t seem to apply to all sab//zras). So, if you don’t like Wolfwren, you’ll only see this if you are looking for a ship you don’t like or if you’re invested enough in not liking it to check the anti tag. I’m not judging, we all been there. In fact, I was there during the sequel era, with a ship that is pretty similar in dynamic to Wolfwren. It was also pretty similar to a ship I loved at the time, Catradora, from Netflix’s She’ra. So, yeah, I was a big hypocrite. I still kinda think sapphic enemies to lovers is the superior taste of the trope, but that’s because I’m so profoundly gay it would scare the gayest gay, so obviously the ships I’m more invested in are sapphic. It’s a given. But my point is, now I see the whole R//lo argument from a different angle, that you can disagree with, but I believe is more realistic:

I don’t ship it.

Although it is an illusion to believe our taste in fiction is not related to who we are as people (because blah blah blah capitalism blah blah blah I’m a commie), it is possible to distinguish what we want from two fiction characters and how we expect to meet our partners in real life lmao.

(This next part I’m a bit uncertain of how it’ll be perceived, but I hope it makes sense. Please, both R//los and antis that may or may not be reading this, be patient and try to understand what I’m trying to say.

Yes, Finn was casted aside by Lucasfilm. Yes, K//lo getting a more prominent role in the films played a part in this whole process. Yes, there was a part of the R//lo fandom that was racist to John Boyega. This is also true for the Star Wars fandom as a WHOLE, because there was plenty of shitty dudebros complaining about the same shit they’re complaining today, “woke culture” and all that crap, just because they decided to have a woman and a black man as the protagonists. A decision that most likely wasn’t made by those executives thinking: “Oh, wouldn’t it be so great if we made a few minorities feel seen in this universe many of them really love?”. But it did that.

The Force Awakens came out and, despite being, at the same time, a remake of A New Hope and a continuation of Return of the Jedi, its new characters had SO. MUCH. POTENTIAL. And, limitations imposed by mainstream products made by big corporations and set in galaxies far, far away from ours aside, black people and women felt represented. It is one of the many contradictions of symbolic effect of minorities groups being represented in media produced in the system that oppress them (commie, warned you). Does it change things? No, not really. Isn’t it usually done it a way full of limitations that sometimes reinforce certain ideas that are pretty harmful? Yeah… Kind of… But didn’t it feel great, after growing up frustrated that Leia wasn’t a Jedi in the old movies, to have Rey? Wasn’t it awesome that black people got Finn? This complex (at least, it started that way) defected stormtrooper turned rebel? That could, maybe, even be force sensitive…? Yes to all of those questions! Tricky, isn’t it? By the way, I do believe that (before TROS) Finn had the narrative placement of Han (reluctant hero), Poe had Leia’s (rebel leader that gets captured and literally puts important information in a droid lmao), Rey had Luke’s (lives a boring life but has a calling to the adventure blah blah blah becomes a hero, we all heard it so many times) and Kylo had Vader’s (villain that’ll eventually get redeemed by the hero). All basic, old hero’s journey. A story structure that, despite being critical of, I eat up every fucking time it envolves spaceships and lightsabers. Getting back to the point, representation has its limits but it matters and the Star Wars fandom is full of racist, sexist pieces of shit and there was a percentage of the R//lo fandom that were too. But shipping R//lo isn't, like, intrinsically racist. You can make an argument for the implications of Adam Driver being chosen as a romantic interest (both by many fans and by Lucasfilm) over John Boyega, but at the same time there is, to some degree a level of which trope (friends to lovers or enemies to lovers) attracts you more. For me, it depends. I was a Finnpoe with a soft spot for Finnrey and an anti R//lo. But I’m obsessed with Wolfwren. Guess I like non-menacing men and evil lesbians. Wonder why Ezra Bridger is my favorite Rebels character and I ship Wolfwren. 🤔

Going back to the “Opinion on R//lo checklist”:

Would I like to meet my future partner by being kidnaped? No, not really. Do R//lo shippers want that? I think it's pretty safe to say they don't, even if they joke about it as much as I do about wanting Shin Hati to stab me. Because, ohh, right, it's a fictional movie about spaceships, galatic wars and space wizards. Yeah, I totally forgot about that when I was younger.

So, shipping R//lo doesn't mean you condone abusive relationships or domestic violence or whatever. Same applies to Wolfwren. ‘Cause, like, they aren't in a relationship yet, they’re not even friends or allies… They're on opposite sides of a war. You’re supposed to try to kill each other. Some people are just intrigued by the tension/dynamic between two characters and some others are just attracted to the characters and want to read about them fucking, and if it upsets you enough that you need to try to annoy people into stop shipping it… you need to rethink your relationship with fiction. I’m saying this because I had to do it, too. I went on with the mob and statements I agree to this day got mixed up with a bunch of nonsense and I thought that by being anti R//ylo I was making a statement, I was fighting against the romanticization of toxic relationships. I wasn't. It’s like that Luca Guadagnino’s film, “Bones and all”. Canibalism as a metaphor for love has been explored in multiple ways, by multiple artists in paintings, films, novels… Does it mean all the people who produced and consumed those works want to eat human flesh?

There’s also different ways of shipping an ETL ship. I love Wolfwren, and, in fanon, I don't mind it getting super angsty and fucked up, Killing Eve style, but I also love it when it's a slowburn romance with them going from enemies to reluctant allies to slowly building a friendship and falling in love. Do you see the range? Shipping is also about imagination, about overanalyzing things, about wondering what could character x possibly bring to character y? If Wolfwren ever does become canon, my perfect scenario would be the slowburn one, though I’ll love every second of them fighting and stare into each other's eyes until then.

If you ship S/b/rza, it doesn't mean you're homophobic. Unless you, well, use homophobic rhetoric to hate on Wolfwren and/or its shippers. This homophobic rhetoric can also be an attempt of being (hate to use this word) “woker” than the person shipping a gay ship and saying the queer people shipping Shin and Sabine are actually reinforcing lesbian stereotypes. Triste me when this is not the hot take you seem to think it. Maybe try researching a bit about queer representation in media, queercoding and the hays code era. Or try to put yourself in our shoes. As I stated above, representation has its limits but it matters and increases our ability to connect to the pieces of fiction we're consuming. In my case, as much as I can enjoy it, there's always gonna be a degree of alienation when it comes to “straight people media”. That's why I headcanon characters as sapphic. Because I am. That's why autistic people headcanon characters as being autistic. Same goes for trans people and other minority groups that do the same. So, in the end, it doesn't really need to be canon and even after today I’m still not that hopeful, ‘cause, again, it's Disney. If anything, there's always a possibility that, if Shin lives, she ends up being paired up with a random dude just so people can't call her a lesbian (this has never, ever, stopped a lesbian before tho lol). I'm guessing whatever happens with Wolfwren won't affect what happens to S/b/rza. I may be proven wrong in the future but I think they closed that door in the show, at least for now. Filoni doesn't seem that interested in writing romance to me, especially this time around. We are yet to see physical or romantic attraction being even remotely alluded to in this show. (S/b/rzas interpretation of Sabine's motivation to find Ezra or my interpretation of the tension between Shin and Sabine doesn't change that). It's a pretty sexless show (and I’m not saying they should have explicit sex on a Star Wars show, but George Lucas didn't shy away from romance and showcasing attraction and romantic love). I believe that's why he made sure to “discard” S/b/rza, despiste knowing it was a relatively popular ship in the Rebels fandom (obviously it doesn't stop anyone from shipping it, but it is an indicative of how Filoni intended us to perceive their dynamic). You know what I mean? Wolfwren happening or not, being or not supported by the cast and crew, doesn't change anything for your ship. And to be really honest, it is kind of funny to me that some people feel threatened by Wolfwren. ‘Cause, like, even if Filoni wants to make it canon, in the end it will be up to Lucasfilm and Disney to allow it or not and the best they gave us so far is Velcinta in Andor. Do you truly believe we have a better chance at getting our endgame than you do? Come on, guys. Please. I don't think any of us will, just to be clear, but even if Wolfwrens “win” this ship war, it won't be like some injustice or disrespect towards the s/b/rza fandom. Same goes for s/b/rza, because unlike Poe x Zorrii that was a last minute, pulled of their ass straight romance that only existed to send the very clear message that Poe Dameron is a heterossexual man (lol, he isn't). Ezra and Sabine do have a history together that I see as platonic but can be interpreted as romantic. And you will still be able to ship it, even if Sabine ends up with Shin. That's why fanfiction exist. If she ends up with Ezra, I’ll keep reading my Wolfwren fanfics and be happy with it. At the end of the day, it's just fiction. I care enough about it to write a long ass Tumblr post, but not to make me actually upset over a relationship that isn't my own.

#wolfwren #anti wolfwren

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catb-fics · 7 months

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Im back (not sure for how long aha)

Currently sat on the train on the way home from uni and something compelled me to listen to unreleased catfish, which I haven’t listened to since the start of this year. I think I was compelled to listen to them as I was standing in Chester train station on my way home back to the East Midlands.

So…I decided to do my degree in Chester, didn’t have anything to do with catfish (half a lie). I mentioned it as a joke but upon doing research it was the type of place I was looking for. Small, not too small, close to bigger cities, good music scene and a good nursing programme. Fast forward and I’m living here, every corner I turn I can’t help but think of van aha, I try not to as I’m in a relationship and the more serious it got the more I pushed van to the back of my head and eventually I decided to say goodbye to him as it felt like I was cheating and I wanted to fully be with my partner and not have van in my mind. As a result I kind of left tumblr , I ended coming on here less and less. I’ve missed it and I’ve missed you the most! I miss our little conversations, I miss your posts and your fan fics🤣. I hope you’ve been alright and everything is good. It’s nice to see you and others are still active.

I do occasionally type vans name on google or twitter to check if there’s any news and I’m always left feeling deflated. I still care for him and I do just want him to be okay. It’s been hard seeing Bob and Bondy back on the scene (I am beyond happy for them, it just leaves more unanswered questions about Van and what holed between them all). Benji hasn’t been online for a LONG time too:(

As delusional as this all sounds, the lids and especially Van was my biggest comfort and safety for a long time and I miss it. I’ve found other comforts and safety’s and I am in such a happy + healthy relationship which I’m thankful for everyday, I’ve found my person. However I do still miss this part of my life and it is hard hearing a catfish song come on my playlist. I hope Van is alright and safe and just at least okay and healthy.

I know this is all very dramatic but this is what happens when you put me on a 3 hour night train and Bite down Salvador and Ranshaw happen to be playing. I may stick around for abit, just to feel apart of something again. (I will refrain from thirsting over van💀)

Thank you for reading this lovely. Sending love💕

Hello lovely! It’s so good to hear from you, I’ve missed you and our chats too 💖 I’m really happy for you, it sounds like life is really good and I’m so pleased for you. Love hearing that you are loved up too and your course is going well 🥰

Ahhh Bite Down Salvador that will get the emotions going every time that one always gets me. To be honest I can’t believe I’m still on here, I think it’s mainly catb tumblr that keeps my love for the guys going so strong after all this time.

I’m happy for Bob and Bondy too but yeah it kinda hits home that they’re all off doing separate stuff now. I do miss them 😭

Lmao about not thirsting over Van ha ha I’m still guilty of that but I have my bf’s approval so 😂

I wonder… are there any new bands you love now? I’m always interested in what people love alongside catb?

Anyway you’re welcome on here any time lovely, do drop by and say hello whenever you like, big love 😘 xxx

#catb asks #catb tumblr

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afaramir · 2 months

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LOLL i was gonna start like ‘hey there im denethor anon’ but u beat me to it. SIMILAR MINDS. Haha i read one of ur fics, was immediately smitten & was like i MUST follow them. (I’m glad i did, love the vibe of ur blog and the Flavour of ur opinions.. TASTY) so im a more recent follower but i’m gathering younger you weren’t a fan of denethor, huh? Can’t say i blame you. PJ certainly made some Decisions. he was like how do i convert a complex character into The most loathsome creature ever. He really did our fav gondorians sooo dirty. I literally watch through those scenes SEETHING in rage.

So I’ve been Thinking about denethor and faramir and nothing else for two days. like i am a denethor girlie. in my mind. spiritually. haven’t posted much abt him on tumblr. but nowww. you’re exactly right, ‘denethor Is a good leader…[insert ur paragraph here]’ yes yes yes you get it. listen denethor was a prideful, angry, resentful man but he was also valiant, resilient and noble. He guarded his city, alone (which takes GUTS, again, he was a badass!!), so well, for literal YEARS that Sauron was fearful/wary of him. i wish people were more understanding of him. he’s such an interesting character there’s so much to explore there. as you said the duty-vs-love, the weapon-first-person-next of it all. the layers. denethor as a weapon. denethor as a symbol of both sword/shield. AAHHH

BUT i think some people dismiss him hate him bc he is the mirror (the ugly side? if that makes sense) of humanity, of us. we ought to show him some compassion tho ‘cause havent u ever been taken under the darkness of life? felt the world slipping away & struggle to keep up w it? dont u ever feel hopeless? that things will never change, no matter what u do? DO YOU HAVE FEARS HAVE YOU FACED THE MONSTERS? WERE YOU ALONE, SCARED AND HOPELESS? AND HAVENT YOU MADE MISTAKES IN YOUR GRIEF AND PUSHED PEOPLE AWAY?? THAT’S what denethor experienced. He was described as a leader & a learned one at that for christ sake. He knew that evil was awaiting him and his kin and his people! he saw his future. yet. yet he soldiered on until. war declared. his sons killed (or so he believed). that’s when hope abandoned him. what was the point of staying alive now anyway? Evil was upon them, they would surely be tortured w a fate worse than death, so why should he not end the pain and kill himself? he fought the war against Time, Evil and The Dark Enemy himself and WON. he was a brave man indeed, to have fought these dark forces so much stronger than him. but he finally lost the war against Despair (and Grief), the cruelest of them all. imma cry 😭😭😭 no no no u don’t understand he didnt give up hope, hope abandoned him he- [GUNSHOT] (i don’t know how much of this even made sense lmao) anyway,

Faramir <333. do i even have to say anything about faramir? he’s the specialest little guy i love himm 🥰. On god i am one step away from rereading lotr just for him (plsss dont tempt me finals are in less than a fortnight) his and denethor’s relationship like u described my godddd XDD. fucked up familial relationships MY BELOVED. i am feral about this trope. the resentment… the jealousy… the mirror image of each other… the you’re-the-same-like-me-and-i-hate-that… mmmhm. hey do u ever think about 12 year old faramir admiring his father much the same way he did boromir and wishing he would grow up to be just like him? and do you ever think about 28 year old faramir knowing that he’s more like his father than anyone else and hating that? hating him? i do.

I’ll stop now lol im afraid my coherency has diminished by now. also sorry sorry for replying so late i am preparing for my exams. but rest assured i WILL be Rotating faramir around in my brain :3

hiiii denethor anon LOL this is the greatest ask ive ever received. every day i endeavour to provide only THE juiciest of opinions. aka this is my diary and you all are subjected to it. anyway im so glad you liked my fic i would love to know which one you read! i got into lotr via the films when i was super young so my past opinions were def coloured by The Choices. i have learned and grown since then<3 i was watching the book-to-film analysis vids on the extended edition dvds a couple weeks back and it made me so mad that i had to get up and turn off the tv. did you know there are other character options besides 'paragon of virtue' and 'one dimensional villain'...truly kind of a "nice dichotomy idiot! now what lies outside of it" situation. A Waste Of Your John Noble, To Be Honest. idk i still hold the films very close to my heart but the choices...i will simply respectfully disagree. and dont even get me started on faramir we WILL be here all night. another time. i have denethor thorongil situationship-fic to write. (i am serious about that) (i was simultaneously playing it 100% straight serious AND kind of joking about them. i shouldve known better. well.........we are so in it.)

you are so real for this. i have ALSO been Thinking about denethor and faramir and nothing else for days. weeks, even. sorry to everyone coming to the faramir goes to rivendell au for faramir and the fellowship the first 10k is literally just Keeping Up With The Stewards. we'll get there. i Will blame you for the impetus for my recent denethorposting on main but also encourage you to also do this. do whatever you want forever<3 nooo but straight up...guy who has so much strength and will that The Lord Of All Evil wouldnt contend directly against him and had to bring out the big palantir guns to bring him down. and if he'd not lost both of his sons i mean...who knows what would've happened. sometimes your sons ARE the only thing keeping you from killing yourself Do It For Them-style and lets be real that is a valid coping method. (i don't have an answer for that one and boy oh boy do i wish i did. it is going to become a massive thorn in my side in, oh, 70k or so when i hit rotk. well...i will blow up that bridge when i get to it.)

im actually putting a read more in this time bc this post broke a thousand words. continue at your own risk. there IS also faramirposting at the end here i promise.

just imagining denethor leading the siege of minas tirith. um. now stay with me here...riding out with imrahil's sortie. STAY WITH ME HERE. what do you think the livery of a steward going to war looks like. jesus christ i need to go lay down. yes i purposefully placed the read more before i decided to go momentarily horny on main. its also lowkey very vague au spoilers. sorry everyone but denethor IS canonically hot and we need to acknowledge it. Anyway.

denethor as a weapon denethor as both a sword and a shield...i am chewing glass for real. you GET IT. god i love person-as-weapon metaphor soooo much. When The Iconography Is Getting A Little Too Real. denethor as gondor, as her vanguard and standard-bearer and. i am straight up frothing at the mouth. all he ever wanted was to be a gentle lord in a time of peace.....and death was his reward...Sorry For Stealing The Fingon Death Quotation But I'm Right. so much of his behaviour and the strain on his relationships with his sons and all that is sooo...informed by the fact that to cope with having to be lord of a country at war he had to be so so unbending. he couldn't allow himself to waver, ever, not even for love, not even to save his sons.

did you know he was 21 when sauron returned. pov you are 21 years young and you have been alone all your life you are the steward's only son you are his strange numenorean heir and no one else has the LITERAL PSYCHIC POWERS AND VISIONS that you do and you have had to contend with that, alone. master your own mind, alone. learn how the shape of politics and lordship and life bends around you. and the dark lord the enemy who brought down your forebears has now set his eye on your lands again. Jesus Christ. How Would You Fucking Deal. sorry i would have a nervous breakdown and go and live in the desert. Man. TWENTY ONE? LIKE ME? most days i feel like a teletubby with a job and a credit card. if you scale it to account for numenorean lifespan inflation i mean i don't know how the math works but like. i bet it comes out to being like. 17. HELLO? basically everyone i know was barely a person at 17. the dark lord of all evil and he's MY problem to deal with?

i mean exactly. haven't we all been prideful and angry and resentful. haven't we all been there. once again [pippin voice] let's all understand poor denethor a little better. havent you ever been taken under the darkness of life [your paragraph here] yeah exactly what you said. the idea that he fucking won the war against the darkness and only lost to despair is..........so much! goodbye i have to go cry!

faramir, me AND fate's most special precious little guy....oh captain my captain....exactly. Exactly. i cant morally endorse a reread right this second but like. After. make it through finals and then it is Faramir Time. (and good luck! you got this!) tactical smartass little bitch master of both man and beast wizard's pupil (complimentary) star and hope and jewel of minas tirith knight in shining armour...my beloved. the idea that like faramir as presented, as the diplomat, as the scholar, as the numenorean, was supposed to be the one to go to rivendell...it haunts me. where is denethor sends the right son to do the right job.txt. he is gondor's no. 1 horse girl he is better suited to the wild than the battlefield he has read every sindarin text in the library he KNOWS the story of elrond and elros. he is literally telepathic and psychic and prophetic. thinking about him interacting with elrond and galadriel (and every other elf. but them in particular) makes me feel deranged. its very...self taught dnd wizard meets guy who went to wizard school energy. he's insane.

YEAH ITS CRAZY THAT THEYRE THE SAME GUY. it's. boromir gets to be boromir but faramir has to be denethor.txt. gracious and lordly as a king of old...now who is consistently referred to as noble and kingly...that a younger faramir would've looked up to...yeah. the perpetuation of denethor's second-best complex. i have a whole nother post in the drafts about that i CANT get into it here but jesus christ men who are NOT breaking the cycle. they even look the same. i mean 37 year old faramir as steward is 100% the spitting image of his father and that makes me....genuinely fucking insane actually. i mean like older councillors are doing double takes every time he walks by. i mean like sometimes people call him by the wrong fucking name. WOW where did that come from. the complex that that would give him...hello? turning this over inside my brain at WARP speed.

you are not late at all lol we are leaving little letters in each other's mailboxes to read when we have the time. i hope your exams go well!!! there will be more Faramir And Denethor Hours soon<33

#from the inbox #Anonymous #denethor anon #Another 1000+ Word Denethor Post From Yours Truly (both of us). Sorry To The Dash.#by the way the idea of ONE GUY bearing both sides of the sword/shield dichotomy made me feel like i was gonna black out in the coffee shop #that was crazy shit LOL #btw if u want me to talk about the denethor thorongil situationship I Fucking Will. idk if u were here before my faramir february url chang #but what has happened to me with them is soooooo typical abby rarepairnation behaviour. Hey Wouldn't That Be Funny. now hold on a second.#long post #denethorposting

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stormblessed95 · 10 months

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https://www.tumblr.com/stormblessed95/659336303560818688/hi-stormie-i-was-wondering-what-you-think-of-the

hey storm but I think I’m gonna have to disagree with you on this one!, I don’t think it’s a matter of believing for the live you’ve linked in that tumblr ask but a matter of acknowledging. in that specific live I’m certain jimin was there and I don’t think there’s much to explain bc frankly that was straight up Jimins voice and he was given subtitles unless I’m absolutely delusional and hearing things 😭 which I hope I’m not since I have very sensitive hearing. but I personally think he wasn’t trying to hide jimin bc they were doing something sneaky or he didn’t want ppl to know but they just wanted to spend more time with eo. The live in question is jks 7/30/2021 live where he does karaoke and takes requests from army’s, my reasoning for believing jimin was there is because I think they just like to spend that much time together as jm told us in a vminkook live where he tells us that jk visits his room three times a day and just sits there and does nothing so I’m assuming that applies in their everyday life including just the time they were in the hotels. And we almost always see jikook gravitating towards eo and just sitting and basking in each others presence in bangtan bombs and memories and all contents while doing nth so i didn’t assume it’d be a big deal if jm just accompanied him while he spent time w army during a solo live.

but there was also the matter of where jm would sit, in Jimins birthday live in 2021 we see a sort of stool/chair in the corner of Jimins live which i assume is the one jk used when he joins him in the live but it also seems like a good place for somebody to sit on as well esp if the camera is turned away from that direction and is portrait like we had in that live of jks that I’ve been referencing.

https://youtu.be/D89Hzi0QSkc

And we also have in jimins live after he topped the billboard charts where he says he was alone that night but at the beginning of the live he says in Korean “hurry leave” and there’s breathing from smn else and what lots of jikooks assume a kiss sound and a sort of scoff (could be a stretch but idk)(and around 17.23 of the live smn says iloveyou in Korean as he talks ab charging his phone) and im definitely not saying he’s lying but he absolutely doesn’t have to say that he was w anyone and he owns the right to keep that to himself but I’m just using this to say that he didn’t have to outright make jms presence known in that 7/30 live for us to recognise that he was there.

But I think my biggest reasoning for believing jimin was there was bc he was and that was his voice, i don’t think it was jk mumbling at all bc jk and jm have never sounded alike especially when comparing their two voices and not just that but the audio was given subtitles so there definitely was a voice coming from smn that wasn’t jk bc jks lips didn’t even move and if they did it wasn’t enough to illicit a sentence that was understandable. THAT ABSOLUTELY SOUNDS LIKE JIMIN i lowkey can’t believe it’s even a question that’s him😭😭

if hope I don’t sound passive aggressive at all😭 I just firmly believe and know he was there but if I’m wrong I shall never interact with ‘theories’ like this again but I never believe any so this is always special to me.

Hey again storm I’m the anon that talked ab jm being in that one jk live where he did karaoke, I still stand by my point but I wanted to add that jk kept taking glances in that direction also💀😭 that was a key point idk how I forgot it. I’m not obsessed isw (w them maybe but not this specific topic)

My post you linked:

Lmao hi anon. I can appreciate the passion and your belief here for sure. And that's fine. Unfortunately you won't change my mind, I dont think Jimin was there and that's okay. Im good to agree to disagree if you are! In the end, Together on vlive or not, it doesn't change anything for me about their dynamics. And it shouldn't for anyone else either. Thank you for sharing with me your thoughts though! 💜

#jikook #kookmin #jikook vlives

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zutaralesbian · 5 months

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Weekly tag game Wednesday

Tagged by @such-a-barbarian! Thank you ❤️

which character from any media would you like to have as a father?:

I don’t know. I honestly don’t think I would care to have a father in general. But maybe I’m biased because mine was largely absent from my life and I was fine with it lmao. Hmmm…maybe James Flint from Black Sails. Unhinged and gay

if money, laws, time, and effort were no object, what animal would you want to have?

Honestly I really don’t need any wild animals. I’m more than fine with cats and dogs.

what is your Chinese takeout order?:

Beef and broccoli ftw. With a side of fried rice.

what's your favourite emoji?:

😂

would you rather have a library, greenhouse, or home theater in your house?:

Home theater for sure. I love having movie nights. A geeenhouse would be cool in theory but I’m horrible with taking care of plants.

what childhood tv show do you think of the most fondly?:

Avatar: The Last Airbender and Hey Arnold! I still consider them the most quality cartoons I watched as a kid.

what was your tumblr like when you first joined?:

When I first joined tumblr about 14 years ago I was deep in the Vampire Diaries fandom *war flashbacks*. So most of it was about that. Needless to say it’s seen a lot of transformations lmao

what clothing style do you love but don't feel compelled to replicate yourself?:

I find the dark leather jacket look very hot on women but it would not fit me at all lol

if you were plopped into a fictional world, which one would you know the layout of the best?:

No clue. Maybe ATLA?

what is your favourite piece of art?:

I don’t think I have one

do you have a water bottle? What does it look like?

I own water bottles but I don’t have a consistent one. I don’t drink nearly enough water as I should it’s something I need to work on

what fanfic trope is a quiet fave?:

I’ve been finding that I quite like office/workplace AU’s. There’s something romcom-like about them that I really enjoy.

do you carry a daily bag?

Yep. I have a purse

If you had to ship Mickey with another Gallagher, who would it be?:

That’s a big no. But I guess Lip would be the only age and sexuality appropriate one. But I don’t vibe with Lickey because 1: I’m not a multi-shipper by nature and only ship Mickey with Ian, 2: I think Mickey and Lip would only be frenemies at best, and 3: Lip to me seems very straight tbh

what is a fanfic trope you didn't expect to like and then very much did?:

Can’t really think of any. I’ve always been pretty set about what I like and don’t like and I don’t think that’s changed

Do you think s11 Mickey can still carry s11 Ian?:

Maybe for a small distance lol

who got custody of the killing bat when they sold the house?:

I don’t believe they sold the house in the end tbh. But in a scenario where they did, Ian/Mickey and Debbie probably share custody of it.

I tag: @whaticameherefor @m4ndysk4nkovich @auds-and-evens

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natsu-tte-noodle · 1 year

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I can’t believe it’s been 6 years!! Two and a half years since I fell in love with A3, and a little over one year since I started the JP server... honestly it feels like I started yesterday sometimes.

Those of you who know me outside of tumblr probably know the story of how I started already: my younger sister camped out in my room playing A3! songs on blast until I gave in and downloaded it lmao.

I instantly fell in love with Kazunari and an event with a Kazu SSR (Abroad) was 2 events away orz I managed to T5 somehow but what an introduction lol. Thank goodness Yuki’s next event wasn’t until Halloween 2

It’s hard to explain what A3! means to me tbh. I don’t think it’s right to say that it completely changed my life, but it still managed to fill in some sort of gap I didn’t know was there and has been part of my daily life for almost three years now. I’ve made amazing friends through this game, and amazing acquaintances who may hopefully one day become friends once I get off my butt (hi beloved mutuals who I don’t speak to enough lol). It’s sparked a creative streak in me that had been fizzling out for a while. And it wasn’t what got me started translating, that was Obey Me, but the A3! translations are by far the most fun and ambitious! I guess you can say it’s been very easy to casually incorporate aspects of A3! into my various other hobbies, and that new twist has breathed new light into some old tricks.

So, maybe it didn’t change my life, but it certainly rejuvenated it.

Happy 6th anniversary, A3! I hope we can enjoy even more to come <3

#sappy words time #a3!

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douwatahima · 1 year

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tag 9 people you want to get to know better!

thank you @thermoskind for tagging me!

three four ships: look, i tried to narrow this down to three but i thought of these four and got sad at the thought of not including them all so y'all are getting an extra one.

doumeki/watanuki/himawari (xxxholic) - MY BABIES WHO I LITERALLY NAMED MYSELF AFTER!!! listen, my son watanuki deserves to have a stoic but protective boyfriend and a sunshiney girlfriend who hug him lots and help him see he's worth loving. AND my daughter himawari deserves to be loved without fear of accidentally doing harm. AND my son doumeki deserves to be with the people he cares about despite the fact that they're both self sacrificing as fuck. this is the trio of my dreams and i will love them until i die.

satoshi/daisuke (dn angel) - so like...this ship is from a manga that a) isn't popular and b) i would not recommend despite the fact that it had a vice grip on me as a fourteen year old. that being said these two anime boys are truly THE BLUEPRINT against which i compared all other ships for YEARS. like, there was a time where how much i loved a ship could be directly correlated to how much they reminded me of satoshi and daisuke. they were IT. and this ship truly gave us everything! the romeo and juliet parallels of them coming from feuding families!!! the enemies to friends (to lovers in my heart) of it all!!! they are THEE fire and ice ship!!! THEE sunshine one and stoic one!!! literally never talk to me about the canonical dn angel ending i want to believe in my imagined ending where they were allowed to be in love.

nico/karolina (runaways) - this is specifically about the comic book version but the tv show version is also good! i remember reading the first few comics series like...a decade ago and OHHHH MAN these two messy girls really got me. i remember reading the first conversation that implied karolina was a lesbian and becoming the living embodiment of this emoji 👀. and then nico's whole mess of a sexuality crisis after karolina leaves? poetic cinema if i've ever seen it. i spent so many years holding a torch for these two that when they actually got together in the comics in 2018 i legit bawled my eyes out. i read the words "i'm not confused anymore, karrie. i'm not scared. i know what i want" and i DIED. their first kiss has been the background on my phone for nearly five years. they are my everything i am soooo serious.

ed/stede (ofmd) - OH YOU KNOW THE GAY PIRATES HAD TO BE HERE. when i say they rewired my brain that is in no way and exaggeration. i can vividly recall scrolling through tumblr and seeing how much people were talking about this show and thinking "okay but is it really gay or is this just another tumblr thing?" LIKE. I HAD NO IDEA. staying up until two a.m. to watch episodes 9 and 10 and feeling every human emotion all at once is a moment i will never recreate. i could've done anything that night. i could've fought god and won. it's ten months later and i still think about these two every fucking day. i truly can't wait to see more of them. david jenkins thank you for my life.

first ever ship:

arnold/helga (hey arnold) - i was like...seven and didn't know what fandom was yet but i watched every episode with baited breath waiting for these two to get together lmao. the romeo and juliet episode is burned into my brain for all time. when the jungle movie came out and they finally got together after OVER A DECADE of waiting i literally went out and bought a cake to celebrate.

last song:

grace kelly by felix hagan & the family - what can i say? this song is a bop!

last film:

glass onion - listen, i would watch benoit blanc solve murders for another fifty movies and never get bored. also janelle monae i am free on thursday if you are also free on thursday and want to meet up on thursday when i am free.

currently reading:

i'm between books at the moment but the one i most recently finished was lost boy by christina henry. it was genuinely the most five out of ten book i've ever read. like...not bad by any means but so meh i have no words.

my plan is to read the magicians by lev grossman next because i miss those characters more than i can say but like hell am i gonna watch the show again after...all that. i heard the books are worse soooooo we'll see how far i get.

currently watching:

the mayfair witches - i recently watched the first two episodes and i really enjoyed them! i've never read the books so everything is new and exciting to me. i'm looking forward to seeing where this story goes!

currently consuming:

a caramilk bar. ❤

currently craving:

the ofmd season 2 trailer. please djenks i need to see ed again my crops are dying.

tagging:

i feel like most of the people i would tag have already done this so instead i'm gonna do a cop out and say if you're reading this consider yourself tagged!

#facts about me

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estrellami-1 · 9 months

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That is a very cute fic (though all of yours are💜) it’s adorable that you based that off of how you feel I really like the line about not being the first to discover it but getting it to discover it for myself, I’ve been to slam poetry events they are very fun I feel like I read so many beautiful lines in poetry online and they stick with me to the point I think about them often and it kind of puts the author on a pedestal a bit but seeing someone speaking their poetry to you and a crowd of people in person is so vulnerable that it allows you to see them as just a person in a really beautiful way, like yes their work is brilliant but they’re also dealing with things the same way you are and trying their best and filled with emotions it’s a privilege to be able to know them as more than their writing, like it’s a privilege to get to know you like this. I also backpacked around Italy a few years ago and it was the most magical experience, the Acosta valley is so beautiful and I hiked gran paradiso national park which was stunning highly recommend but you’re right the cost of living is already crazy 😅

I write poetry sometimes mostly just as a way to get my feelings out of my head I post them to my tumblr but they don’t do numbers or anything, like probably 8 years ago or so I posted some of them to an old ao3 account but i can’t remember what i had called it for the life of me, I have an idea for a book that I would really like to write one day, it started out as an after Cinderella kind of thing where people expect you to be happy and perfectly fine when you find something good and get out of a bad situation but you’re still going to carry the pain from that bad situation so it was going to be from her perspective and recovering from the trauma she experienced growing up anf learning to live with ptsd but I’ve written bits and pieces of it nothing major but along the way it kind of lost the Cinderella princess aspect of it and just became kind of a combo my story/original character story kind of thing if that makes sense 💜💜💜💜💜

Thank you darling ❤️ I have some poetry on here, I believe… I think it’s the links in the last paragraph on my pinned post. I’ll try and go through them in a moment and make sure 😂

Slam poetry events are SO fun, I love them!!! There’s a book I read in college called “The Poet X” and I HIGHLY recommend it especially if you like spoken word poetry!!! It very very quickly became a favorite of mine, partially just because it’s good (and partially bc it’s a Latina girl lmao) but also partially because I wasn’t aware that type of writing could become a book. I would absolutely LOVE to do something like that one day!

And I know what you mean, about authors and pedestals. I did the same thing too, a few times, with certain authors on here… but then we got to talking and it turns out they’re literally just people?? Which was honestly so fun to find out 😂 there’s a line I wrote for a fic a while ago (Marvel, if you are/were into that) that I think honestly applies perfectly here. “Put those stars in your eyes back in the sky where they belong. I’m not worth all that.” And honestly… it’s true. Putting someone on a pedestal only makes it hurt that much more when they inevitably fall, because we’re all only human and we’re gonna do dumb crap sometimes.

I have… a lot of feelings about that apparently 😂

Can I have your life???? Please???? 😂 Italy sounds SO fun… I was able to go to Hawaii once and that was nice but I don’t even like the beach/ocean! I got stung by a jellyfish!! My favorite memory there was going on a hike!!! 😂 take me to Colorado I swear. My family’s trying to decide where to go on vacation this year (if it actually happens, that is) and my sister LOVES the beach and wants to go, but we’ve gone SO MUCH and my family KNOWS I don’t like the beach and just. Don’t seem to care? Idk. At this point it’s kinda whatever. But I did suggest skiing this winter since we’ve never been 😂

Ooh honestly I’d love to read all of that!!! I LOVE poetry (like honestly it confused the hell out of me how some people just… don’t understand poetry? What??? 😂)(my favorite is Langston Hughes… how about you?) and I would LOVE to read that Cinderella-ish story, that sounds SO interesting!!! And yes lmao I’ve definitely started a story before, added OCs, and it turned into 6 parts (literally, in the case of my Solangelo series “This Love” on ao3 😂)

Two questions this time, if you don’t mind, darling: how old are you? Where do you live?

It’s more than fine if you’re not comfortable sharing either, or if you want to just share a general range; I understand wanting privacy, I’m mostly just trying to ensure you’re above 18, and as for where you live, I’m strictly curious as to the time difference; I’m in Texas, so it’s currently 12:24am. I just know last night (was it last night? 😂) I answered one at like 10 and you were mentioning how tired you were… so either you’re on one of the coasts (I can’t for the life of me figure out which one that would be at the moment 😂) or you’d had an early morning… or you have a decent sleep schedule, unlike me! 😂 my bedtime is routinely around 12-2am, which is why I’m constantly answering these at all hours of the night. 😂 ❤️

#asks #my asks #thank you hope #I love you hope

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punkwixes · 9 months

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i guess a better life update is like

so i’m graduating this spring. it took me a while to get an internship + i got rejected from the first one i applied to. that was okay, though, because it was smth specific that only took One student in each department, so like 4 students total, and you had to specially apply to it. i found another internship actually working for the school itself, which i’m pleased with. it’s very close to my home, and i can get there easily. they’re very casual about dress code too, so i dyed my hair again earlier this month :3

i quit working for the nursing home like 6 months ago, after almost 6 YEARS of being employed there. it was pretty on the spot lmao. we got new management that sucked + a resident started screaming at me and i was just like. well. i’m done.

currently: unemployed! or “full-time student” according to, like, my taxes or w/e. contemplating applying to some stores in the area but not too worried about it. money isssss pretty tight rn, but luckily i was able to save a LOT over the pandemic so i’ll be okay until i graduate and have to start paying back those student loans. i would like to think i’m pretty good at budgeting and money management, luckily.

ummm wedding is happening in may of next year, hopefully. move is happening ????? idk whenever it works for both of us. it’s gonna be scary but i can’t complain or worry about it too much because my wife already did that move Alone, so , like,

made this post because i was just thinking about like, idk what the gap will be between graduating & moving — not really worried about it Too much, because i know that’s smth we will figure out later haha. but i was thinking about how it’s smth we will figure out because i am Acutely aware of what happened when shit got bad in june 2017, where i was going “i’ll be moving out soon, i can’t get a job NOW!” and then i didn’t move out till december 2017. but then i was thinking about how i haven’t really talked about my life Extensively here since all that happened — maybe a bit, but most of it happens in dms (hi jess) (the ONLY person i use the tumblr messenger for) or in my discord server(s?) lmao.

and i realized that i have a lot of people (relatively, i guess.) who have been following me since i was like. 15? 16? and who maybe saw all that go down but don’t know what’s happening now.

anyways. on that front. my parents and i have… idk. kind of a relationship? not really sure. they have more of a relationship to me than i have to them, which is funny. they text me about every other day, but i don’t really answer that often. they know if they make negative commentary abt anything i’m doing they’ll just lose contact with me for good. they know i’m gay & that i’m getting married, and they’re Forced to be supportive Or Else, which i also find funny. they’re not attending my wedding though, On God.

had a weird thing happen a while back where my mom apologized for like. a lot of stuff. for the homophobia, for Some of the physical abuse she did, for some of the physical abuse & other abuse my dad & brother did to me. on their behalf, i guess? idk, being apologized to doesn’t really mean anything to me — or it didn’t, for a long time; i’ve only recently had Moments where someone apologized to me and i felt that it meant a lot — so i just felt weird about it. she was crying really hard, so i know that she knows that it was Bad. i still wish i could impart on her or on other people who don’t believe me Exactly what it was like, but i can’t.

for a large part it doesn’t really affect me, other than like, a desire to bury my head in the sand rather than Confront anything negative. so like. it doesn’t make it better but what i’m trying to say is like… idk, i’m doing fine, it could be way worse.

i guess i’m just biding my time until graduation. i almost wish i was working, because it feels like time passed a lot faster when i had work looming over me every two days. my class schedule for the next week is… fun…. i have a class from 2-4 and 6-8 on mondays, and then class from 6-8 on wednesdays. my fourth class is just my internship credit, and i don’t really need any more classes [that are offered in the fall].

so i’ll have plenty of free time, which is nice. i want to do more around the house, helping w upkeep and stuff. i have housemates & friends who i Love, which is not smth i would have expected like five years ago. so. time flies, i guess.

#VERY long rambly update but like. again i just can’t find my journal.#i’ve had various parts of this sitting in my drafts as well bc i Meant to make an exciting life update and forgor.#this isn’t That but i wanted to post smth substantially less depressing

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skelebones004 · 2 years

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I’m beginning to understand why people use tumblr so often to vent about eD! Stuff. I was always a fat a kid and I had an on and off e4t!ng d1s0rd3r for most of my life. A few months ago, I decided my weight had gotten out of control and I got serious. I’ve lost the first 50 pounds and since my d1s0rd3r is getting more severe, side effects are kind of finally starting to happen. There’s no one I can really talk to about this stuff, the physical side effects can be so vulnerable too.

1. Drinking water is rlly difficult now, I��m always dehydrated because I used to mainly drink water during meals, I never got something to eat without a drink and now that I’m eating a LOT less, it’s really difficult to drink water. I have to constantly remind myself to take sips and I always keep some in my bedroom and take a bottle with me before going to work or school which does help though.

2. Fainting. I think when people first begin heavily r3str1cting, no one believes they’ll just randomly faint. Or idk maybe I’m projecting. But I didn’t expect to faint. Of course there were probably warnings like dizziness and wooziness but two things: i had been restricting for months when i first fainted, it had become very second nature to not eat and i barely thought about it, so I was almost constantly dizzy while standing up or making sudden movements and I’m also constantly high to essentially deal with a lot of the symptoms of my eating disorder (exhaustion, low-mood, soreness, fatigue, constant nausea) so I don’t really notice when I’m woozy because if I’m honest, I’m always a bit woozy lmao.

- worst thing is that I’m secretly pretty proud of fainting and I simultaneously wish for it to happen again and take precaution against it. On one hand, I can’t be fainting everywhere, it’s so obvious, someone will find me out so quick, so I keep low-cal mints that DO contain sugar for dizzy spells and water on me in public. But I want to do it again so bad.

I know it’s supposed to be unhealthy but everyone in my life is congratulating me on l0sing w31ght, everyone believes I’m doing something good for myself and yeah, they probably don’t know the extent to which I’m st4rving but they see me leave before I eat breakfast, they see me come home and skip dinner, and they see me rapidly l0sing w31ght. and if they’re ok with that, then so am I.

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lilacsociety · 4 months

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me being whiny and depressed about loving a man under the cut

even at my big age I don’t know how to parse out my feelings in silence

but something nice about tumblr is that nobody real (you guys are real, just not to me lol) is on here so people will either scroll past or just not know what I’m talking about. As a result, I’m treating this as one of those letters you write and leave in your drawer because you’re too much of a coward to send it to anyone that matters.

ANYWAYS… in theory, I should be happy - I have a lot of what I dreaded I wouldn’t just a year ago. But two years ago, around this exact time, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I was in love, satisfied, and moving up in the world.

But my life went to shit shortly thereafter. I made some decisions in the heat of the moment that I can’t take back. To be fair, I can’t even blame myself. I mean it when I say everything went to shit. How was I supposed to know things would get better?

Now, I’m lonelier and in more pain than I’ve ever been (I mean that literally as well as emotionally, I have a chronic physical illness lol). And honestly? I’m tired of people telling me it’s a mindset problem or that I just have to love myself.

In all honesty, I don’t think I ever loved myself before I met him. And in truth, I don’t really love myself after him either. That’s not to say I lack confidence, or that I don’t stand up for myself when it counts. My self-esteem is intact - I’m just deeply unhappy.

Alright. Context matters here. Let’s just say I broke up with this man around a year and a half ago after a very emotionally significant and loving relationship.

After all this time, one thing my friends don’t understand is how I still haven’t moved on (because to be honest, he wasn’t bringing too much to the table lmao) or could want a man I myself left. Well the answer is simple. I didn’t leave him because I hated him or because he wronged me. I left because of our physical distance, his general lack of direction, massive shocks in my personal life, and most important of all? How real it all was.

Marriage was always hard for me to imagine. Babies were even more difficult (I’m pretty young so it’s not that weird to say). But he made it all seem so beautiful and satisfying. I wanted so badly to fall into the fantasy, to overcome my intergenerational trauma, to become the parent I never had. I imagined us eloping to some shitty village in England (for the record I’m not from there), knowing I’d be satisfied forever even if that was something I never knew I wanted. As long as we were together I would have given it all up. That’s the part that terrified me.

The person I imagined myself being versus the person I was turning into. What was all that hard work for? What if he leaves you? What if you can’t find a job in the same country? What if he can’t? What if we’re long distance for a while and he cheats? Can we overcome life’s storms and come out loving each other on the other side?

I was afraid of the power of that. Afraid of how good I felt and how easy it would be to rip away. Afraid of the power loving someone so deeply had over me. Loving him made me realize I’ve probably never loved another person before. Not in that way, at least.

He always looked at me like I hung the moon and I looked at him the same way. Whenever I would annoyingly beg for validation, he never treated me like I was a nuisance. Time and time again when I needed to be reminded that I was loved and cared for, he would remind me. He did that so often that it got to a point where I didn’t even need to be reminded anymore. I just knew. My mother even said that I could be homeless and he would gladly sleep on the cold ground with me as long as it was by my side. And when I left him? He told me he’d hold a candle for me and wait until I was better (what a fool I was for believing that).

If you’ve somehow reached this point, congratulations. I didn’t expect any living person that wasnt me getting this far. But if you did, I’m sure you’re wondering, why now? Why now of all times to be upset? Well…

After the break up we still talked, but he didn’t tell me that he’s actually been with someone else for quite a while. In my opinion, deliberately. Our phone conversations always felt too personal, his texts always avoiding such a massive topic entirely, his social media devoid of her presence (for the record I had to find this out secondhand from a completely different person much much later, which stings). As selfish as it sounds, it felt like betrayal. I have spent the past year and a half going through shock after shock. From death, to losing a job, to getting kicked out, to being diagnosed with chronic physical illness, to dealing with my family members being abused, to debt so overwhelming it might bankrupt us. I’ve been so unhappy for so long I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel the sun on my skin. Before the revelation he found someone else I was already on the brink, clawing at dirt that threatened to bury me completely. So seeing him happy without me, when I naively thought he was the one thing I had to look forward to in the future, was all I needed to confirm the universe’s vendetta against me.

Long story short, after an incredibly calm conversation (sarcasm) he’s blocked me. I’m probably never going to speak to him again, but that’s actually a pretty normal thing for exes to do lol. I just need to live with this weight, one among many. But somehow, this feels the heaviest.

#when it hurts so bad you can’t even cry lmao #personal #delete later

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pixel-bloom · 10 months

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SIMS TAG

Ahhhh thanks for the tag @natolesims ^_^ I’ll tag @ashubii @mosneakers @payte and @ashubii

What’s your favourite sims death?

Hmmm, drowning is classic but I was so shocked when the meteorite killed my sims in ts2, so let’s go with that one.

Alpha CC or Maxis Match?

Gotta go with MM; I tried Alpha back in the day but it just looks off in my game.

Do you cheat when your sims gain weight?

Not usually. I did have a pear shaped sim back in gen 3 of the insectas I fixed, but most of my sims keep their weight.

Do you use move objects?

Always.

Favorite mod?

I like SoL, but I’m looking into the other game enhancing mods...

First expansion/game/stuff pack you got?

Sims 1: Vacation, Sims 2: University, Sims 4: Seasons

Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing?

ALIVEEEE, like, “LETS DO IT LIVE”.

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

I don’t MAKE too many sims (I steal them all from the neighborhoods) but Ant was my favorite for a loooong time. Theo is my favorite currently :) They’re both entertaining to “play” the game with lmao

Have you made a simself?

Yeah but she’s been sitting for years in her sad house in Windenberg. I don’t play simself stuff, but sometimes I’ll dress her up for a simblr challenge.

What sim traits do you give yourself?

Cheerful, Geek, Goofball. I’m very basic.

Which is your favorite EA hair color?

I don’t really have one...uhhhh, black!

Favorite EA hair?

I always use the city living hairs. Love the one ponytail with the braid on the side. I also love the Island Living hairs.

Favorite life stage?

I like my moody teenagers the best. The phases can be irritating but entertaining if I integrate it into the story.

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

Gameplay but I actually really like customizing lots. I’ll download a lot or redo an existing one.

Are you a CC creator?

Nah, I honestly don’t have time :(

Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad?

I have some pretty awesome mutuals. I’m too MIA to be a part of a squad. Work, relationships, and life get in the way of playing sims lol. I’ve tried to join a general discord but I’m awful at using it.

What’s your favorite game?

Currently, Disco Elysium. Usually, Stardew Valley/Harvest Moon or whatever the current Zelda game is. (Actually I’m playing Minish Cap rn!)

Do you have any sims merch?

No T_T I might have in the past. I REMEMBER DISTINCTLY that I had the Sims 1 ONLINE but my mom and I didn’t understand how to set it up so she gave it away.

Do you have a YouTube for sims?

No, that sounds terrifying. I barely post on tumblr LOL

How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing?

Hmmm good question. I think it’s less “basic NPC” (base game??) and a little leaning towards my own lil funky style. When I first replayed sims 4 again in 2020, I downloaded all the basic CC that was trendy (and kinda outdated). In 2022, I moved my save to a new PC and started over, so that helped.

What’s your Origin ID?

I do not know. I do not use Origin or any EA app for socializing/sharing

Who’s your favorite CC creator?

Looking at my CC folder: simandy, clumsyalien, sentate, nolansims, and deetron.

How long have you had a simblr?

2020 I believe. Maybe a bit earlier but I didn’t post anything

How do you edit your pictures?

I used to have photoshop T_T (RIP) and used PSD and actions and EVERYTHING LOOKED SO GOOD. I lost access and I can’t bring myself to pay monthly rn. I miss it though, I hate the way my screenshots look now.

What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next?

I’d honestly like packs to be refreshed. I’m not one to ask for new stuff...I think there’s enough stuff. We need things to work properly LOL

What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far?

City Living has gotten the most focus from me. It’s SO much fun to go thrifting, go to festivals, and I love apartments. I’m sure I’ll love Island Living but I haven’t gottten to explore it yet.

#text

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television-pil0t · 1 year

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Unsurprising I went to the mental hospital. The Carolina Center for Behavioral Health. I stayed 2 almost 3 days.. maybe 3 almost 4 days idk. Idk time blindness is a bitch but whatever. I’m back so I’m gonna talk about it because.. GENUINELY what the fuck.

So I was having a episode odviously. Full out psychotic ass bitch. Voices, believing I was god, thinking there were tall black people in my room (shadow people I just like sounding racist) like the whole nine yards. After I got off I’d tumblr swing “I keep hearing shit” or “seeing shit” or whatever I said I’m not gonna check. I called my friend queenie. She was asleep.. of course. Like no duh it was late.

I’m talking to her and I have her my account so know she knows about my awful bad boy tumblr account but I wanted her to understand what was going on. She dead ass is like “daemon this is really bad. Like your not thinking straight.“ I’m like “whatever whatever I do what I want.” I hang up and sleep like nothing happened.

Next day hits me like a fuckibg truck. I completely convence myself to go to the FUCKING AIR FORCE! LITERALLY LIKE

BRO WHAT LMAO!! I GOT IN CONTACT WITH A FUCKING SARGENT BRO!! AT MY SCHOLL LIKE!! ?!?? So I clearly had no intention of.. preserving my life. I get into a PHYSICAL fight with one of my DEAR FRIENDS and tell him to FUCKING KILL MYSELF. Like.. basically pushing everyone away as fast and aggressively as possible so.. as I told my psychologist ”If I say something or do something so bad then I won’t be tempted to come back to them. And they will hate me to much to come back to me.” 😀? What was I on? Nothing MOTHERFUCKER AND THATS THE PROBLEM.

So after that I go home. I told queenie I was going to the military. She’s like “literally don’t cancel that. Like your not doing that. That’s as never in your plans. Your going so far off the rails rn. What’s up with you. You had a whole plan and you’ve gone so far from what you wanted to do like.. your so creative you can really do something with all this..” blah blah blah saying every true stuff but I was insane so I didn’t care. Hung up. Blocked her in everything. Said fuck her she doesn’t undersand me 🥺 and.. she called the police telling them I need to be taken to the hospital..

LMAO I DID BUT I WAS ODVIOUSLY MAD

THEY HAD EVERYONE OUT THERE BEO. The cops were farther down but they were making sure I didn’t try and kill myself or something so they brought everyone.

So I go to the hospital and I’m out of it at this point I can’t lie I barely remember this shit. Straight up. I don’t remember a lot of this whole.. few months because I’ve been stirring up a episode but like.. I really did good on dissociating the entire thing.

I do remember them giving me apple juice but it was open. I was like “can you.. give me another one I’m not happy that it’s open.” And they were like.. :/ and got me another one but THAT ONE WAS ALSO SLIGHTLY OPEN?! SO I WAS PISSED OFF. Because I was like?? ARE YOU TRYING TO DRUG ME LIKE?? WHY IS IT FUCKING OPEN CUNT?! I eventually just said fuck it and drank it and it did have meds in it because I was knocked out in a matter of a few minutes but like.. if they just told me I’d drink it?! I just don’t like they were like.. hiding it.

So some shit happened. At night they would watch me and I’d be like :/ and they would be like 🤨😦😑🫤 and I be like ☹️🥱😴 and that was that. So then..

This nurse?? Come in. It’s like 8 in the damn morning and I’m tired as fuck and she gives me breakfast and asked if im ok. I’m like “yeah whatever”. She’s like.. “do you know why your here” im say “because im a bad person.” He’s like “can you explain to me how.” I’m like “that would be to long and you have other patience and I’d rather just talk without a time limit.” She looks at me with the most.. “damn.. you right but shit” look I’ve ever seen and then leaves after writing something down on her little tablet.

I stay in the room almost all day. They keep checking in me. I keep responding the same.

So at the end of the day.. bout.??? 9 or 10 idk they didn’t have a clock in there. That nurse came back and sat down in a chair. She was like “would you like the light on” I was like “nah it’s better it adds dramatic effect when it’s dark” I make her laugh at this point I’m like “Hehe I’m in baby!” In where idk but lord knows I was fucking ovulating so nothing I was saying or doing was making since. Thinking with my dick and shit or something idk idk.

So we have a long conversation.

She gives me my phone… and I show her my tumblr..

She looks at me with the most 😐😧😦😬😨😰 look I’ve ever fucking seen. Like bro was SCARED.

She sets my phone down.. DOESN’T TURN IT OFF BTW. And goes “so you think you have aspd. You know you have bpd right.” I was like “very aware.” She was like “well.. I think you have some define characteristics of both.” I just kinda was like thinking ok the worst that could happen is that I stay here for like.. a month if I tell the complete truth. So I go all out. Say fuck it. Tell my whole ass truth because I’d im gonna be here im gone leave with a correct diagnosis and help that I need. I’m like “I feel like I’m constantly in conflict with myself about caring and not caring. Like I know I have abandonment issues but I broke up with my bf out of pure anger and then did shit just to hurt him and I did that to my friend when I got into a fight with him and I did that to my mom when she was still alive.” She as like “do you feel bad?” I was like “I don’t know.” She put her tablet down and it felt like she was just taking to me and not working. I know that’s literally just a ploy. She way probably recording the conversation but it felt nice. “Do you know what it feels like to feel bad about something?” I’m like “I think I remember.” And that goes into my emotional blindness and perception. After a while of not feeling a emotion I forget what it’s like and it feels like I’ve never experienced it before and I tell her that and she’s like “well that sounds like both disorders working together pretty well. Do you ever feel like your fighing against someone else in your head” and I’m like I don’t have DID but.. sometimes sure I do. Because it’s hard to keep both feeling in check. I don’t wanna be reckless but the more I think about something the more in convence myself what I’m doing is right.

So we start talking about people. We talk about the first and I admitted it was a bit irrational (now I know it was very dumb but I wasn’t there yet) and we talk about my mom because I just kept being her up and then she looked at my phone again and asked me how I felt about my ex. I was like “I feel like I did the same thing to him as my friend except I feel like I lost feeling.”

This woman said something that ripped my apart. “Did you lose feelings or did you just not remember them once he hurt you.”

Bro I’m gonna throw up at this point. She goes on because I’m completely silent because I never thought of that but she was completely right. “you wanna feel better than everyone else because that’s how you think you deserve to be treated. Do you treat others like that?” I’m like “yeah I treat all my friends well.” She looks at me and she’s like “do you? Do you treat them and say things you’d like to be said to you? Or do you stop being nice once you realize you can’t control them.” And I’m like “I think I’m nice.. I think I say nice things.” And then I remember again.. she was right. I’m just kinda a asshole. Once I realize I’ve lost someone’s “undying loyalty.” I stop caring for them. Happened with my mom. With Mali once he got a gf I almost completely treated him like a completely different person. Happened with khye. And we didn’t even talk about the “others” until the second day but..

I’m like at a lose. I’m really sad because I realized how bad I fucked up and I start feeling empty and like shit. Idk if it was guilt but.. it all made a lot of since

I felt like I couldn’t feel love for a very long time because I just forgot what it felt like. Not that I want loved by my bf I was. And I loved him. It was just I was having a episode and genuinely couldn’t see it or feel it at the time because sometimes in her words “when your long distance it’s hard to hold someone with your words. You seem to crave that. Even if you don’t want the physical affect do you think he hugged you with his words enough.” And I’m like “I think so. He wrote me letters and gave me gifts” and she as like “ok.. did those make you happy or did they make you feel warm. Did they remind you ‘oh yea this person loves me’ or was it more if just.. this is how I should be treated.” And I was like :( because damn girl this hurts. Your hurting me. She was like “did you stop loving your mom when you realized she didn’t do anything worth loving.” And I was about to fucking kill myself because as much as I saw her struggle.. in my mind the bare minimum was her feeding me and giving me a house and shit. That’s all she COULD do. That’s literally it. She could only do a little bit for me and I didn’t feel love for her when I realized that’s all she could do. That’s.. awful. I feel so fucking bad that I thought like that.. and that I thought like that too late before I could change it and be better. Yes she fucked up. We would fight and argue and she would say some awful shit but she also tried so hard to give me a good life with the best possible education and food on the table as often as she could and the fact that I didn’t see that as enough.. that sucks.

She basically kept going on for about an hour or 2 until I was like.. “damn. I’m tired.” She gave me my meds and I went to bed and the next morning I went out and talked to some people.

Met this guy that was pretty neet. I got called into the office and they talked to me some more this after noon. It was basically just “you have very conflicting mental illness and we’re surprised you haven’t ended it all yet. Here have meds.” Lmao

Fr tho. I have autism, bpd, adhd, and some kinda aspd (not officially diagnosed.. or maybe I am but they gave my paper to my parents and I never saw it.) but they were like “Your listed here as a self centered .. extremely selfish narcissist with paranoia, social anxiety and general psychosis or schizophrenia (like all of it delusions, hallucinations, disorganized, thoughts and behaviors etc I was fucked up yeah I know.)

So paranoid schizophrenic with narcissistic personality disorder and religious psychosis. (Supernatural reference) and I was like :/ damn son where’d you find this.

They gave me some meds to take and the. Kinda watched me for a while.. I have to go back and be watched a few more times cuz ya know but I’m not excited about it.

My meds definitely work. I’m not like.. batshit insane anymore but I still have my symptoms because they didn’t cure me. I still have to go to therapy and shit for a while. I feel bad because my friends fucking hated me for a while because queenie told them what happened and tbh I’m surprised I was even slightly forgiven. I don’t use my mental health as like a “sorry I did that” moment but literally they was no other explanation for what that happened. It was straight up I thought I was god full on insane mode and then basic “your think in a shitty way and that’s not your fault but you still have to work on changing it.” Therapy.

Am I gonna apologize. Yeah. When.. idk. I pissed off so many people I’ve the past couple of days including my parents. They didn’t believe me at first but now they feel really bad for everything and shit.

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