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nadiestar · 4 years

Note

Hey, Mim! For a request, what about moceit one of them coming to terms with their feelings for the other and fluff ensuing?

Thank you for the request!

I wrote a thing and it got long so I also post it on AO3^^

But here we go to the thing without further ado

___

Finding a new normal was hard.

Especially, when the ones you always had around you, the ones you always could turn to, had asked you to give them some space. When the Prince insisted that he was not ready to go back and joke with you, to be on your side whenever you needed him. When the Teacher was willing to accept your apology but could not bring himself to forgive you just yet, even if he said otherwise. When the Emo told you that he still loved you but could not understand how you could have chosen to side with the Snake of all sides.

Yes, finding a new normal was hard.

And Patton was bad at finding this new normal.

The first few days, after the wedding Patton had worried how his three kiddos would be able to deal with it and where they would go to to get their support, their advice, if not to him. It turned out that they went to each other. Their relationships bloomed and almost every night the two following weeks after the whole ordeal he had heard how two out of the three met up in Logan’s or Roman’s room.

And Patton was proud. So proud. Really. His boys supported each other and made each other feel better. Roman’s smile was more genuine than it had been in months, Logan was rambling about all the things he found interest again and Virgil stood a little less hunched than he had in a long time.

Patton really was proud.

But he also was lonely. He knew they needed space and he knew he needed it too. Even if they had turned to him, he would not have been able to help them. His head was still heavy and his guts squirming with guilt over what he had made Thomas feel and do just to be “just”, to be “good”. What he had the others go through just because of it.

What he had made himself go through.

He knew he should have asked for help or an input. Maybe talk to Logan more, maybe give Roman more reassurance for what he was creating. Maybe he should have talked to Virgil about why he had disliked him babying so much and what had happened between him and Janus.

And maybe he should have tried to understand Remus better.

But these were maybes and they were in the past. A place Patton liked to live in, but well. It was not the place he was now.

Now, it was 3:24 in the morning and he sat on a bar stool in the dark in the living room eating cookies and drinking milk, while trying not to cry too loudly.

He didn’t believe he did the best job, but it was late enough for Virgil and Roman not to be up anymore, so he could risk it, he thought. He did not want to hide his pain, not entirely at least. But right now, his kiddos needed time and he didn’t know how to interact with them, without burdening them and hurting them with his own messy feelings.

His feelings which were loud and ugly and confusing. All the things he disliked about Remus, which scared him about Remus, were the things he hated about himself and he knew that that was actually his problem with Remus not the actual contributions the Duke wanted to bring into Thomas’s projects.

Patton was trying to accept these flaws. Those feelings, which were not nice and good. He had looked for books to read about it and Janus had been so kind to lend him a few out of his own collection. Janus had also been so kind to sit with him when he had dinner and lunch, while the others ate earlier or later.

Janus had checked in with him quite frequently, asked him how he was doing and – well it led to a whole different set of problems.

A mushy feeling in his stomach kind of problem. A fluttering heart kind of problem. An instantly-feeling-better-and-smiling-as soon-as-he-saw-him kind of problem.

And it really was a problem. Not that Patton was too surprised. Janus and he had always had a complicated but close relationship. Even back when Janus still had been hiding the others, Patton had never hated him. He knew he had his space just like he had his even if he didn’t understand why Janus needed to lie so often. Why he tempted Thomas to do so. And because of those temptations he had to remind Thomas often what was the right thing to do and afterwards got into discussions with Janus.

He never seemed to take him seriously though. He acted as if Patton was too naïve, too pure to understand how important it was for Thomas to hide sometimes. To be selfish. The truth was; Patton was neither. He knew that Thomas needed to look after himself. This was why he wanted Thomas to learn to cook. To learn more basic skills so he could rely on himself more and not constantly needed to ask for help. He just never quite got that he also had to learn more mental health skills.

Patton never saw the gravity of the whole situation and that was not because he was naïve or pure; it was because he didn’t want it to be true. Because he could not admit to himself that maybe he couldn’t keep Thomas going on his own (despite being the one to always tell the others that they needed to work together).

And in all of this turmoil Janus had turned up. Looked at him with different eyes, took him seriously and offered help. And Patton was scared. Scared that his kiddos would hate him if they knew he liked Janus. Scared they would hate him for wanting to be with him.

Scared that maybe Patton just imagined those feelings because he was just so desperate for a connection and manipulated Janus or maybe himself into some sort of relationship, which would hurt both of them.

And of course, scared of rejection, would Janus ever find out.

But then again… How much worse could it get? He was sitting on an uncomfortable barstool in the dead of the night eating cookies. It could not possibly get worse than that, could it?

The light in the kitchen was switched on.

Shocked Patton slowly looked towards the kitchen entrance and saw a dishevelled looking Janus standing in the doorframe. It almost looked like he had been crying as well.

“You ought to be kidding me,” Patton heard Janus mumble and swallowed his last bite from the cookie.

Stiffly Patton conjured himself a tissue, blew his nose and then slid down the chair to turn entirely towards his scaled … friend.

“I guess, great minds think alike?” Patton uttered half-heartedly unable to not fake a smile.

Janus huffed, half hid his face behind his hands and looked to the side.

“But fools seldom differ,” Patton heard Janus mumble and turn around.

And Patton panicked a little. Janus was about to go, to leave him and act as if they had never seen each other in such a state and Patton could not have that. Could not go back to before. Didn’t want to go back to before.

So, he reached his arm out, without ever touching Janus and begged: “Wait! I – Please stay. I know, I’ve asked too much of you already, but I don’t want to be left alone anymore. I want to talk. Really talk and I know that is a stupid thing to do at 3 o’clock in the morning but I still want to. If you don’t that is okay. You have your own thing and stress and I don’t want to burden you with my stuff… And I’m willing to listen, if you want to. I can do that too. I’m sure it can’t be easy…”

And Janus just stared for a moment. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose and turned to the cabinet where they kept their wine. Wordlessly, he pulled out a bottle and conjured a wine glass.

“Let’s go sit somewhere more comfortable,” Janus said and led them into the living room.

Patton followed silently and watched Janus sitting down on the couch and pour himself a glass of wine. Despite the tenseness of the deceitful side Patton admired the control in his movements, let his eyes trace along the movements of his arms and-

“Darn,” Patton muttered with a breathless laugh, pushed his glasses up and rubbed his eyes.

Janus stopped himself from taking a sip and Patton waved at him to wait a little longer. With a cough he caught himself and then smiled a little awkwardly.

“I think I need to say this, while we’re still sober so… I know it’s not smart nor the right timing. I get that you feel bad and this won’t help in any way at all and I don’t want to say this to make you feel you better and I don’t think it will make you feel better but… I like you. Like like you.”

Patton thought that Janus now would drop the glass and sink out on him. He was very certain he would. He would have understood.

But instead Janus blinked twice and then emptied his glass, refilled it and told Patton with a flat voice: “Sit down.”

And Patton sat down.

Janus gave him the wine glass.

“Drink this because I cannot possibly say this, when we are still sober.”

And Patton took a big sip and scrunched his nose. That one wasn’t that good, he just thought and then met eyes with Janus again, who suddenly looked terribly nervous.

“I found myself having… similar feelings for you. And hearing you telling me this does not make me feel better at all.”

And then Patton chucked down the rest of the glass and poured the next one. He handed it to Janus, who took a big sip and then gave it back to him.

Patton sniffed his nose. He glanced over to Janus. He looked so tired. He always did. The suave tone he put on so often and the gallant way he presented himself in never could hide it completely. Not from Patton at least.

“Are you afraid that Remus finds out?” Patton asked ever so quietly after taking a little sip.

Janus chuckled watery.

“I don’t know if it even matters at this point. He’s still mad at me for what I said to Roman. For calling him the evil twin and making the whole gap between him and Roman even bigger and- I cannot lose him… He’s all I had for so long and I-”

“You cannot exchange him for me. I understand. I’ve been cruel to him and I cannot expect him to ever forgive me for it.”

Janus looked to Patton. He was being honest. Janus put his left hand on Patton’s right.

“I don’t know if he can’t. He might. The others certainly will forgive you Patton. I know they will. I see you getting better and they certainly do too.”

Patton had barely heard him. The touch had caught him off guard and send a mushy warmth through his whole system, which almost had prevented him from answering.

“Thank you. I’m trying, I really am. And,” Patton stopped and after a moment of hesitation brought his other hand up to Janus’s face and turned it softly towards himself.

Patton felt Janus shiver from the touch. He gave him a moment and as he did not pull back, Patton smiled softly and traced up Janus’s scaled cheek. With his thumb he circled over the cool scales and felt Janus leaning into it.

“I’m sure we can show them all how wonderful you are. Even I can see it and I don’t have 20/20 vision.”

Janus smirked at the comment and Patton felt his chest filling with warmth.

“I don’t know, how you can be this optimistic,” Janus said softly mocking but without malice. “I don’t have too many wonderful traits, do I?”

“Oh, don’t get me started, Mister,” Patton whispered giggly and inched a little closer to Janus. “Just besides your beautifully vibrant eyes, great posture and stunning smile I could list so much more. Your intelligence for starters. Your way of explaining things to me and how satisfied and cheery you look when you get your point across. The way you look when you realise that your metaphors don’t work and how you pout when someone points it out to you.”

“H-hey!”

Patton laughed and gently leaned his forehead against Janus’s. He felt how Janus’s breath slightly hiccupped and his face flushed. Just as much as his own did.

“And I love your humour. I love it. I love the jokes and how you deliver them. I love the feeling I have when I’m with you. I love this happiness I feel right now.”

“Might be the alcohol.”

“Might be the alcohol,” Patton hummed but Janus knew that was a lie.

Gingerly Janus brought his lips closer to Patton’s and watched Patton close his eyes and in response closed his. Then he closed the gap between them.

Sleepily, Janus and Patton ended the soft kiss and Janus nestled his head onto Patton’s shoulder. Patton put his arms tightly around Janus and leaned his head against the top of Janus’s.

“You didn’t manipulate me into this,” Janus said gently and snuggled up a little more.

“How did you…?” Patton asked his eyes almost shutting.

But the slight tremble from Janus’s giggle keeps him awake as Janus answers: “I’ve seen you a lot. And I see the way you hide the smallest signs of self-doubt in your face at all times. I’d much rather see your silly smile directed at me more often. Silly and happy and just carefree. I’d like that a lot better. Would be great self-care for me and you.”

“Would you, now?” Patton whispered with a grin and his eyes closed for the night.

And just a moment later Janus followed him into the land of dreams.

___

When Virgil went into the living room in the morning, he had not expected to be met with Remus sitting crisscrossed a few feet away from the couch and staring at the tangled mess that sleeping Janus and Patton were.

The Duke looked over his shoulder and they just stared at each other for a moment before Virgil walked up to him and stood next to him for the next few minutes.

Then there came Logan and Roman almost at the same time. Logan took the almost empty wine bottle and the empty glass standing on the coffee table, while Roman took Patton’s glasses off and tucked them in in a blanket. Wordlessly, the four had a conversation, Virgil stretched his hand out for Remus and the Duke pulled himself back on his feet and the four walked into the kitchen.

Virgil made coffee and Roman toasted some bread for all of them. Logan and Remus meanwhile put away the remains of Patton’s cookie disaster. In a strange sense of truce, they all stood against different counters of the kitchen and ate the first meal in the morning.

And then eventually, Logan sighed, looked through the round and said to the three others: “Well, let’s talk about the new normal, those two saps have established tonight.”

___

Masterpost | Taglist

@aprincehasgotoslay

@varthandi

@sickeningly-deceitful

@sammy-is-obsessed / @exhaustedfander

@unoriginalgayboyalex

@alexisrealgay

#sanders sides #moceit #janus sanders #patton sanders #love confessions #Mims Requests #sanders sides fic

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juleswolverton-hyde · 5 years

Text

Silver Egoism

Genre: Smut, Friends to Lovers, Idol AU

Pairing: Jimin x Reader ft. Jungkook

Warnings: Voyeurism, exhibitionism, dom!/top!Jimin, unprotected car sex (ALWAYS do it safely, lads and lasses), choking, heartbreak, swearing/cussing, creampie, multiple rounds, male masturbation, phone sex (to some degree), overstimulation, (semi-)public sex (does car sex count as that?)

Summary: Within a band as close as a family there is no room for egoism, but one night the envy can no longer be suppressed as a rabbit in love unintentionally tries to outdo a silver fox.

Because when it comes to Love, the rules are different.

And Jealousy will do anything to gain the winning hand.

Masterlist

Friendships can unconsciously deepen by means of little gestures going beyond the realm of mere kindness and gifts to show a person holds more meaning to the other than initially thought. However, even then, the meaning can get lost in translation when the receiver does not reciprocate the emotions which are endeavoured to be shown.

As is the case with the obsidian leather jacket and Chanel necklace gifted to the girl met way back in high school sitting in the chair opposite Jungkook, happily chatting as an unrequited heart sits next to one that recently confessed his feelings for the woman doing the presents justice during a night of drinking white wine together. And despite being like brothers, hating the warm smiles and timidly roseate cheeks whenever Y/N comes over cannot be helped. Still, there is no merit in destroying a close bond on the grounds of unrequited love and henceforth a tongue toxically green with envy remains silent as it pretends to watch cat videos while actually observing the love of a lifetime through the lens of the camera.

Eventually, as the hour grows later and the morning brings the preparation for an interview, the chatter between friends regarded by a hushed third party dies down with the realization of having to make an early start and that going to bed would be the sensible course of action.

‘Alright, I should go.’ Y/N stretches like a feline, a habit likely picked up by hanging out with Yoongi, who is not any competition whatsoever for he acts more like a nagging older brother than a potential rival. And that is fortunate because regardless of having known him longer than yesterday, the musical genius remains a somewhat intimidating individual one should not mess with. ‘I’ll be watching the interview as soon as it comes out. Good luck, lads.’

‘If you want, I can drive you home.’ Jungkook rises simultaneously with the beautiful companion, pulling focused irises away from the screen towards reality.

‘Thanks, but-’

‘I’ll drive her home.’ It comes out on a whim and more vicious than intended, redirecting all attention buzzing in the amicable living room still filled with the energy of the barbecue to celebrate the first good summer weather giving a clear navy and violet twilight sky adorned by sparkling stars. Unfortunately, the splendid circumstances had turned sour by the tropical monsoon that the wind whispered hints of while munching on shaved ice, pushing eight souls indoors. However, it also meant the gorgeous girl was, to much selfish relief, chased off the picnic bench just as Kook tried to sit her down on his lap in a supposedly casual fashion were it not for the clearly yet slowly hardening shape in tight denim jeans.

‘Jimin-ah, are you alright? Why are you upset?’ Taehyung’s brows furrow in sad confusion, always sensitive to the moods of anyone near the golden heart aware of the surroundings more than one might think. ‘Do you want to talk about it? I hate to see you angry.’

‘I’m fine, Tae Tae. Just tired.’ A gentle smile is fabricated with effort but has enough of an effect to make a sometimes too gullible mind believe it for the moment. Howbeit hesitantly so. ‘I’ll just take Y/N home and call it a night.’

‘Hyung, the last few performances have been hard on you so-’ The maknae speaks up again, undaunted by the sharp edge to unintended hostility, and proposes to kindly take on the role of the driver as intended.

But is repaid by the same too venomous irritated exhaustion. Withal, it is not physical tiredness but more so purely emotional. Sensitively sick, all emotions that have bottled up thanks to having to hide in order to save everything coming to a dangerous boiling point. ‘I said I’ll take her home, Kook.’

‘Chim, calm down. You’re clearly exhausted.’ The scent of tulips in spring has appeared between warring parties of which solely one is aware of the fight. The hand first covering a racing heart, the cause of the adrenaline easily mistakable for stress while it is truly the touch and her nearness, rising to swiftly comb through silver manes before coming to rest on the cheek. ‘I’ll be fine on my own and text once I’m home, alright?’

The sweet innocence of sparkling soothing eyes triggers perhaps the most idiotic and selfish decision ever, the storm of feelings no longer able to be contained. Not when being this close and every sense is overrun by the familiar scent of the never-changing perfume, the comforting touch whenever thinking all that is done or said or both will never be enough.

That I am not enough.

For her.

Notwithstanding, just tonight those lingering haunting doubts are put aside as lips unexpectedly crash into each other and a small palm grabs the behind that should have tried to sit on the lap it always does. There is no resistance nor pulling away, only the envelopment of the other cheek and a barely audible gasp dimmed by six-headed surprise filled by soft humoured baritone chuckles when not staring on in speechlessness.

And the broken heart of a long-time amazing now betrayed friend.

Alongside the cruel carelessness of not paying the pain any mind, focusing on making a lasting imprint on long-longed for lips that will ignite a hunger for more instead of on the world coming to a halt.

An existence that slowly starts to turn again as mouths part, a soft murmur all that remains between them and possessive fingers entwining. ‘I’ll take you home. Let’s go.’

‘Um, yeah.’ The attempt of creating a lasting impression is clearly successful, Y/N rendered wordless and needing a second to gain composure before being dragged out the front door with an absent wave of goodbye. ‘Good luck, lads. Figh-’

And plopped down in the passenger seat of the shadowy onyx BMW 8 Series Convertible, proudly brought after completing the driving test and gaining a driver’s license. Swiftly, the belt is fastened and fashionable boots make way to the other side of the vehicle to do the same.

Soon, the engine roars to life, tires screeching over the driveway wrapped in the dusk and speeding towards the illuminated heart of the city.

Towards the medium-sized luxury apartment given as a birthday present last year, simply due to being able to pay for it and wanting the beloved to live a good life.

It has to be said, however, that the current home is a compromise because the original penthouse did not get accepted nor the option to share a roof because the gorgeous woman “did not want to keep me away from the guys and give me space”.

Yet, what was failed to be noticed was that the empty gap carved into an unrequited heart is solely filled by her presence. The reason for that is simple: it is not about money nor fame nor stage persona.

It is about an old friend.

The dancer from Busan.

Chiminie.

‘Uhm, Jimin... about that kiss...’

‘I don’t regret it, especially not because it was in front of everyone.’ Palms tighten around the leather of the steering wheel, voice reduced to dangerous egotistical jealousy. Teeth grit at the memory of the barbecue, Kook trying to settle the wonderful girl at the window displaying a rapid blurry landscape on muscled thighs.

Deform into a snarl when remembering the hardened shape in pants she would have sat against, feeling it. ‘In front of Jungkook.’

‘Jungkook? What does he have to do with this?’ Brows furrow in confusion, sincerely not making the infuriating connection between statements and acts.

‘How can you not understand? After all the hints?’ With a loud noise as of nails scratching a blackboard a sharp turn towards the body of water flowing through the metropolitan is taken, stirring up gravel while descending to the river bank underneath the nearest metal monster of a bridge.

Here, at the waterside reflecting the life of night owls, the engine is turned off before shifting to face the uncomprehending beautiful mistake with perhaps too sharp a tone. ‘I am in love with you! Fucking head over heels.’

‘Why? Why me?’

‘Because with you, I’m normal. With you, I’m okay.’ Frustrated shoulders relax as the volume of speech lowers to a normal conversational level instead of being barely shy of shouting. ‘With you, I’m just Park Jimin, a regular Busan boy.’

‘You’ve never been anyone else to me. Not a celebrity nor a distant person suddenly too good to hang out with normal people.’ A stern severity dims the well-meaning light in honest eyes caressing the cheek once more, the tenderness fading into flickering worry. ‘However, the guy I saw in the living room is somebody I don’t know. Who is he?’

‘He is the guy who cannot deal with seeing his best friend try his luck with the girl he actually loves. He’s the short-tempered unpredictable envious me.’

The me without you.

A persona who rises again by grabbing the wrist to place a wanting kiss on the inside, to take in the scent of young spring clad in leather. At war with the genuine ego forced to simmer beneath the surface and fighting a battle consisting of equal strength. ‘A guy I would never want you to date unless it’s me. No, even if it was me, you shouldn’t. Never let toxic people into your life because it is so short already.’

For a second, Y/N merely looks at double-edged melancholic lips resting on tulip skin. Were it possible, being frozen in this exact moment would likely be the best outcome of the story since this is all there shall ever be if the risked friendship continues to exist.

This is all we have.

All I have.

All that will ever be.

Although, the curiously withholding of something unspoken while continuing to solace a lonesome boy with love forms a hint towards a detail which might alter the seemingly hopeless train of thought. ‘Life’s indeed short, incredibly so. But, Jimin, because it is thus, it also makes every minute with a beloved more precious.’

‘What are you saying?’ Nothing in the attitude leaning forward gives away a straight explanation of the hidden meaning behind the wisdom likely picked up thanks to hanging out with Namjoon hyung. Again, it is fortunate the rapper is merely seen as an older brother instead of being real competition.

‘We see each other very little, but each time we do I’m impossibly glad I have you back for a brief while. My best friend, my...’ The end of the sentence floats in the tense air, blushing cheeks refusing to speak the last part.

‘Your what?’

But eventually do.

‘My... crush.’

The two words spin around, warming up veins grown into arrogant ice and inflating pride to an indescribable extent. Gradually the meaning truly dawns, making both warring egos within mutually smile in relieved excited delight.

The grabbed wrist is lead to regions below where the effects of the frustration still boil painfully though were able to be ignored until now, distracted by the suppressed jealous rage resulting in an outburst. The bottom lip is caught between teeth, not resisting another action of the selfish persona clearly elated by the confession and who has taken over demeanour entirely. Rather, it is perversely fascinated despite playing coy, more so when Y/N’s palm spreads out over hot denim like a blooming flower. ‘Chim, erm, heh, wh- what are you doing?’

I could ask you the same, pretending to be innocent and yet not hiding the need for me.

‘Get in the back, princess.’ Spurred on by the intimate contact essentially ignited by oppressed apparently futile rage, huskiness naturally creeps into the vocal manner of a chest slowly starting to struggle for breath.

‘What?’ Keeping up the pretense or mayhaps sincerely confused by the rapid change in atmosphere, the gorgeous mistress manages to glance away from the point of fascination and take on the roll of the seeker of answers in dark irises regardless of knowing to find none.

‘Backseat. Now.’

Not until a somewhat clumsy way is made to the designated place after hearing the demanding growl and undoing the seatbelt, the hands of a best friend from a great harbour city coming to rest on hips at the end of an enchanting wake.

Until those same hands creep up underneath the oversized shirt despicably lent from someone else before the chance to run up the stairs to retrieve something from the personal collection of clothing, the jacket discarded beforehand. Jungkook had the advantage by being situated on the ground floor of the dorm and literally sprinted to his room once a step into the kitchen was set.

Rip it to reveal the classy Victoria Secret bra underneath.

Another gift.

The meaning of which has only become clear now.

Stone-hued locks tilt to the side in amusement, loving the revelation that compliments the simple Chanel necklace perfectly. ‘Well, would you look at that. Wearing something I got you beneath the shirt of another.’ However, some of the delight dies into the snarling grave of fury at the thought of a charming bunny who outdid a silver fox. ‘Jungkook’s.’

‘He simply offered it so I wouldn’t catch a cold.’ An undignified huff reputes the selfish demeanour though the split second a pout forms tells of a pleasure in driving a boy with love to madness.

Into a persona.

If that is how the game is going to be played, so be it. Anything to make Y/N happy, to create something of our own. Henceforth, husky lips hover over parted ones, teased and left wordless. ‘It sure looked like it, but we both know better. He wanted to see you wearing his shirt, would likely have slipped the scene to see you change into it.’

‘He isn’t like that.’

‘Fair enough, the latter doesn’t apply. Nevertheless, he wanted to confess to you tonight, make you his.’ A cruel smile unconsciously carves itself onto the mouth, thinking of the faltering young face in a disappointed vividly painted image. ‘What a surprise would it have been for him to discover my brand on you.’

‘You’re not so cruel as to actually mean that, are you?’ In spite of the contrasting message by palms slipping to the behind to bring heated bodies closer, big eyes shine with the plead for the current state of mind to not be truthful. Still, the squirming when beginning to move at a slow steady pace to fuel the heat below further while undoing the claps and tossing the bra aside hints at being entranced by the domination. Especially submissive to the tyranny when placing soft kisses from the chest up towards the ear.

To whisper nothing but twilight sincerity. ‘Yes, tonight I am. I meant every word I said in the little periods of time we got to spend together and always will. Life’s too difficult already to complicate it further with lies.’

And show you anyone but myself.

Staying faithful to the thought, skinny jeans are contrastingly calmly tugged off before removing the pair of blushing consenting irises. They know the actual message behind the cryptic wisdom, acknowledging they are not the sole ones to be influenced by the wise leader of BTS. ‘I don’t want to lie to you.’

‘You don’t have, ah, to. Never h- had to.’ Affectionately, warm palms envelop the cheeks while the steady rhythm makes remaining in control of any sense of civilization much harder. And if not that, the barely chaste kisses surely are the cause alongside the bared skin revealed from discarded boxers achingly gliding over wet cotton.

‘Can I ask you something?’ Enough self-control can be exerted to form an important question and register the significant meaning of the nod waiting for the inquiry. ‘Can I be selfish just a little while longer?’

‘Yes.’ The alluring warmth is revealed from beneath the underwear of which the hedonic scent sends the mind into a hazed frenzy and cuts patience short with its temptation. ‘Y- Yes, Jimin!’

Every inch adds to the scenic teary-eyed sight below on the backseat, nails digging into skin helping to colour the painting, guiding hips temporarily slowed down to adjust to the novel enrapturing heat. Exclusive to a harbour town boy with love, the guy beneath the flirty stage persona millions of voices encourage and fawn over.

But he solely does over one person.

The woman beautifully responding to every new strike as shades blend behind shut lashes and create fireworks with every meeting of mouths and stroke.

Something of our own.

This.

This perfect picture.

This is what we have.

Our ending.

And it wants to be shown to the one who almost shredded the canvas.

‘Wha- What are you d- doing? Jimin?’ Y/N looks sensually aghast laced with astonished disappointment at being left hanging somewhere along the way to euphoria despite the harmony of hues strengthened by muffled lewd sounds and physical guidance.

‘Just a minute, princess.’ A rapid mischievous kiss means to nullify the stun, which it does at the cost of creating a quizzical expression on a blushing face as the jeans thrown onto the ground are reached for. From the back pocket, fingers fish out the telephone and dial Jungkook’s number.

After going over thrice, the call is picked up. ‘Hyung? What’s up, why are you- oh.’

Oh, indeed, because neither of the two other parties fully realizes what is going on in the dazed mind under a sensational hypnosis of colourful touches until advances come freely again to resume a shared endeavour long longed for. Exploited at a more savage pace to compose compositions that could not exist with the former method, exacting bittersweet revenge on the steadily becoming breathless young rabbit hanging on the other side of the line.

Tethering.

Alone.

Whereas a Busan dancer and mistress are together on the verge of toppling over the edge.

The arrogant knowledge of this truth sounds through in the proudly jeering undertone of a clear voice leaving no room for mistake, wanting to create havoc to enjoy in schadenfreude. ‘Shit, Jungkook, she’s really tight. Takes cock so well. And her tits, so fucking nice and bouncy.’

And rejoice in the flushed cheeks of the woman the heart has been beating for since the first meeting during a student exchange in high school. Albeit with a degrading manner that expresses the frustration of not entirely coming first at the moment. ‘Do you like that, huh? Being such a slut that you’ve got a man masturbating to hearing me pound you hard and liking it? Spreading your legs just as soon as dick is offered to you?’

The response merely consists of desperate agreeing whines, the warm colours growing hotter as the unintelligible words tumble forth and also spur on the absent yet present boy in love turned sinful in audible fanciful solitude. ‘Fuck, hyung, keep talking like that to her. She sounds so pretty, so whiny.’

The original intent has been reached, egotistically claiming the girl who has been there since the rise of Bangtan while simultaneously feeling the backlash of the sting the chosen punishment for both men in need of chastisement. One for greed and one for attempting to prevent this canvas. ‘Shut up, she’s mine. This is all you’ll get of her, all you’ll hear of her. Just tonight. And I want you to know it’s me between her thighs, not you.’

However, the sneered rebuke is not cared about as the maknae is too lost to actually care, too enraptured by the painting that cannot be seen and close to catch up with the final strokes leading to elevated completion. Notwithstanding, as the sole consciousness same enough to be somewhat of a source of order in the corrupt chaos, the final ultimate state of bliss does not want to be reached before a warning is made very clear.

To hear the mutual claim on me from the panting wonderful enchantress lying on the ruined shirt of an equally as destroyed rival. Hence is why a palm wraps around the heated throat to close off any means of air, the last extreme move to exert dominance. ‘C’mon, tell him how much better I am. That you want me, not him. Say it.’

‘K- Kookie, he- he’s so good.’ The following dominantly rough stroke coaxes out a wonderful complacent high-pitched stream claiming the canvas and the initial painter despite the narrow access to air. ‘Better than you. Fuck! So, so much better. I want him, o- only him.’

After a few repeatings of the same scenario, irritating due to a third wheel yet marvellous thanks to the stunning union, both the defeated golden maknae and Y/N lose a grip on reality.

However, since it happens simultaneously, the younger boy might use it to his advantage in daring yet intolerable later advances or to fancy a colourful storm together with her when not being there. Regardless of what the ulterior goal of the split second of breaking into blissful fragments might turn out to be, it forces the actually still selfishly desperate hand of a boy with love. ‘And yet you cream all over me just as Jungkook cums. Looks like my princess doesn’t know how to show respect and loyalty.’

But anything can be taught if using the appropriate manner, thus hardening the strokes until screaming alabaster flows freely and ever onward without stopping.

Action.

Reaction.

Result.

‘My name, Y/N. Scream my name.’ The slightly slackened hold on the throat forcefully strengthens again, mirroring the reinvigorated power pinning an otherwise wild waist down. ‘Scream my fucking name. Over. And. Over.’

Every word of the last command is accentuated by a sharp advance establishing the desired effect, tuning out almost completely the agonized though satisfied moans of bunny nerves being driven into overdrive. Notwithstanding, instead of allowing them to invoke another euphoria shared with the woman belonging to another, the call is ended just to childishly leave Jungkook hanging dry. ‘Keep calling, babe. He won’t get to hear you again.’

One final stroke triggers the primal second floating in ignorant bliss together with the claimed fleeting soul basking in the dusk enlightened by night owls.

A moment of us.

Slowly and carefully, arms shivering with the blast of shades which are slowly erased lower and meet a warm welcoming pair lovingly enveloping dishevelled grey locks. The soft cheek against which a palm having calmed down in demeanour, no longer suffocating, comes to rest leans into the touch, breathless but sighing in gladness.

‘Did... did you like it? I’m sorry I involved Kook into this, but I couldn’t think clearly. I didn’t want him to confess because I was afraid I’d lose you and that, well, resulted in the self-centred man you’ve been seeing this entire night.’ The confession bordering on a futile waterfall going around in circles manages to be stopped at a good point, preventing speech from crossing the line and falling into a spiral. Instead, the dewy hot throat scented by spring tulips is nuzzled while enjoying the perfume.

‘Had it been anyone else, I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed it as much as I did. So, yes, I really liked it. Really, really liked it.’ A short moment filled with happy giggles lifts a grand part of the heaviness of heart caused by egoism, delighted to no extent upon hearing the sincere amused yet meaningful tone in Y/N’s voice. ‘And before you ask, no matter who the persona is you happen to be in the moment, I still like you.’

‘Even when I’m an arrogant selfish bastard ruining the hopes of his best friend?’

‘Don’t think of it that way, Chim. It’s the choice I made and I have chosen what is right for me. For what I have wanted for the longest time.’

‘I have as well. Wanted this, that is. Even when the company told me I couldn’t.’ A shake of the head dismisses the melancholic thought of the manager’s voice sternly renouncing dating as breathing becomes a tad shallow with grief. ‘This is what’s been hurting me, not being with you. The person who makes me love myself.’

‘Is it selfish then?’

‘No?’ Despite the underlying suggestion, the response is doubtful because the ego overrun by the sensual drive to claim wanted the same but exerted its will in an egotistical manner at the cost of another.

‘No. No, it isn’t. We finally have what we have wanted all along. I don’t want Jungkook and you don’t want somebody else. We’re happy and happiness is never selfish.’ The kiss on the forehead is soothing, assuring of the determined righteousness of the statement and solacing in the request that follows in its wake. ‘Stay over tonight. It’s been too long.’

‘Indeed, too long.’

Too long for true self-love to return.

To have kept it waiting at the door of the familiar apartment.

In empty arms finally embracing the one they should.

Just like the stars in the navy sky transforming into dusky black.

Waiting.

For us.

#BTS #BTS smut #BTS x Reader #ksmutclub #btswriterscollective #Jimin #Park Jimin #Chim #Chim Chim #Jiminie

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namjoonchronicles · 5 years

Text

needy | nj

↳ pairing namjoon x you

↳ genre fluff, angst, domestic au

↳ words 5k

↳ summary Namjoon usually have his priorities in order. the demands of his professional life frequently intrude the life he shared with his wife. pushed to the blunt end, cornered and helpless, Namjoon said the wrong thing to the most important person in his life, and now he has to deal with the aftermath: facing the wrath of his wife.

↳ song ariana grande ‘nasa’

And it began, with a blinking cursor on a blank page.

Namjoon exhales deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose. He had taken a break after earnestly trying to write a passable verse. He picks his phone after a while and saw that his beloved wife hadn’t replied to any of his messages. It had been roughly four hours.

Unable to keep his composure any longer, Namjoon resorts to sending voice notes after two of his calls went unanswered.

“Can we please have dinner together tonight? I haven’t seen you in days, I’m losing my mind, I’m serious, baby stop playing around,” he huffs angrily, before pausing and then he resumes with a new breathe, “Call me back. Please.” He stressed on the word ‘please’, in hopes that it comes into picture how much he was in dire need of you.

Your toothbrush was in a separate holder, and you have your own personal toothpaste for use. You have dinners without him, and when he wants to talk, you would be typing on your laptop or watching a drama--which you deemed is more important than whatever he wants to talk about. Tonight, he sent you messages, and none of them were replied. But he heard the front door open, so he dashes out to see you taking off your heels and walking past him in the hallway, like he’s just one of the furnitures.

“Where have you been? I’ve been calling and calling…” he gently scolded. His nose picks up on something that wasn’t usually on you. His face sours as he said, “Why do you smell like nicotine?” You unzip your jeans and took them off before shoving them in the machine along with your blouse, turning a new cheek on Namjoon’s accusative tone, you forced out a smile. “Relax, it’s not me… Nika hasn’t quit, so she got them on me because we stayed in this awfully-ventilated karaoke room. She needed a friend to cheer up,” you patted his tummy twice walking out with your bras and undies, “Couldn’t hear you calling on the cell.”

Namjoon gawked and tailed behind you, “You usually tell me where you going everyday, I can’t get use to the privilege being stripped away from me; and can’t help remembering when I wanted it to be stripped away. Babe,” he urges you, hoping the term of endearment will give him an attention, but you continued stripping your bra and undie before wrapping yourself in a towel.

“Honey bear,” you called him, “I’m very tired. I’m so sorry I didn’t get back to your texts, but I’m home now,” you sang and walked inside the bathroom, but stopped Namjoon with your hand on his chest from stepping in. Pulling a fake ass smile on your face, tipping your glasses while standing in just towels at your husband. “I have a lot to do, so I’m just going to shower,” you politely spoke to him, before slamming the door in his face. And locking it.

Locking it. Namjoon was alarmed.

He begins to panic. His heart is hammering against his ribs, pounding erratically so he marches to his home studio, unable to take the sight of the door. You have never done that before. No one locks their door after marriage. You had been strange since a couple of weeks ago. You wake up, make coffee and then disappear until he leaves for work. He imagined you’d be home when he does, but all he found is food on the table and you would be on your table, next to the bed, typing with your earphones on.

Like tonight too, right after you showered. Namjoon peeked through the gaps of the door and took a shaky inhale. Once he decided he had mustered enough courage, he enters the bedroom with a mug of warm water. He sets them on the left corner of your table but you don’t notice until he pushes it further in. You looked up, and took off one of your earphones with a huge beaming smile that he had missed.

“That’s so nice of you, sweetie...thank you, you didn’t have to,” you took the brim of the mug to your lips before you realised that it was too hot to drink and set them back down again. “But I wanted to. I need… I need to talk to you,” Namjoon stammered, leaning against the door frame, making random movements with his hands and it’s all suggesting that his terribly nervous. “Is everything alright?” You spin your chair to face him, lacing your fingers together, ready for everything he had to say. Genuine concerns splayed across your face, regarding your husband’s trouble, whatever it may be.

I’m horny. Namjoon mentally slapped himself knowing that you will not succumb that easily especially when he had been an ass himself, all this time. Namjoon used another approach, a psychological one; you, his wife who bore a golden soul with a kindred heart would never past a chance to help anybody. This time, it’s him.

“I’ve been hitting the slump, as of lately,” he hung his head low, bending his index finger on your table, slightly mulling his words while you listened to him intently, “I feel like I cannot write a decent verse. And I’m afraid that I can never do it again.” You reached for his hand, softly but brief caress, the kind that you give a not-so-close friends and it hits Namjoon like a truck because he knows you can give more than just that. You’re limiting your skinship.

“You’re six feet tall, you’re not afraid of anything!” you exclaimed. “I’m afraid of you, so that’s not entirely true,” Namjoon scoffs.

You gave him a bro-smack on the forearm and crumpled your face into a grin.

“Why don’t you take a walk or watch some movies, you’ll get them back. You worry too much, what did I tell you about doing that…” you squinted your eyes at him and resumed typing on your laptop, “Sometimes we just have to push through you know, maybe get some decent chilly air outside or maybe just have some good nachos, you know, get back to basics, like Christina Aguilera used to say…” you gave him a half-hearted advice, glancing at him once in a while. Namjoon shifts from one foot to another, pressing his lips together, looking like he was disappointed with what your answers were.

Usually, when he was uninspired, or tell you he was uninspired, you’d be all over him, taking care of his needs. Manly needs. To get the creative juices going.

But tonight, it was clear to him that he wasn’t going to get any. He pouts more now, than he ever did when he was younger. Defeated, Namjoon returns to his studio and sat in his chair, and did nothing. For 2 hours.

Maybe he needed a more ‘aggressive approach’. So he climbed into bed shirtless, while you continue type on the laptop, not paying him a grain of attention. At all. He moves to the side of the bed where your study table was, and he cleared his throat.

“I was thinking, that maybe we could grab coffee this sunday, in that little english cottage cafe we used to date in, it’s been awhile since we went there,” Namjoon rambled only to realise that you had your earphones on, in full blast. He chewed the insides of his mouth and wet his lips, looking away and clenching his eyes shut. I can’t give up now, Namjoon thought.

He taps your elbow with his index finger, lightly and he got your attention. You hummed and took off your earphones, turning to him.

“Can I have some water, please?” he asked, scratching his bare chest so your gaze drops to notice that he is deliciously shirtless and ready for love, but you passed him the mug without another word said, and he replied an emotionless, “Thank you.”

“No problem…” you puffed your cheeks and went on Google to do further research on the self-help article you were trying to write for your blog.

Before you put those earphones back on, and not wanting to lose your attentions, Namjoon sat up to lean against the headboard to say, “It’s really hot isn’t it?” Your glint at him and you frowned at the screen because of his words, “It’s literally -4 degree celsius right now, Joon. Are you having a fever?” You pressed your palm on his forehead and retracted them when you feel nothing abnormal, “Hmm no, you do not. Maybe some sleep will help.” Namjoon’s plan fails again. But he is not ready to give up just yet.

“Maybe you should join me, so I could sleep better…” he bit his lower lip, attempting to be sexy but you exhale through your nose with the crumple of your face, “Then you’d be a lot hotter than what you’re feeling right now because, thermal equilibrium, you know… plus, I have a tonne things to do. So if you can’t sleep, you can go back to your studio and maybe, work?”

“Nah, I’ll sleep,” he rejected. You begin to unplug your laptop and gathering several papers with you. Namjoon switched to his side and asked, “Where are you going?” “Do my work outside because you need the lights off, to sleep,” you answered, and flipped the switch off, passing him a cute ‘goodnight’ and leaving the bedroom door fully shut. Namjoon has two choices: either he comes clean about what he wanted tonight and risk the rejection, or he sleeps being absolutely restless. A lot of things had happened.

He could go days into listing what they were but tonight, you crossed one more line. “Not even a goodnight kiss,” he grumbled and threw the duvets away. Before shoving his head through a thick hoodie because it was very very cold. Even colder when your wife wouldn’t make love to you.

Morning rises, Namjoon ran his arms down your side of the bed and see that it wasn’t messy as it should be if you’ve slept in it. When he walks down the hallway, he realises why. You had been sleeping on the couch, the whole night. Half-filled coffee mug on the floor, papers stacks on the left corner of the coffee table, and your laptop turning to black screen for inactivity. Namjoon wouldn’t dare to stir you awake but he was feeling very lonely. Despite living with you. It’s hard to manage micro distance, knowing you’re always on for a cuddling session, and now, you’re not anymore. Something flips in you.

Your alarm wakes you up, and have you jolted a little. You saw Namjoon standing there with both hands in his front hoodie pocket, wearing a maroon shorts. “You’re awake early,” you yawn, sitting on the chair, stretching and fetching your phone, first thing in the morning.

“Can we go out today? Together? Spend time...maybe?” Namjoon shrugs, voice still groggy from the deep sleep. You begin typing a message to reply to your friends, “Today? Sweetie I can’t, I made plans with my girls to have a spa day today… maybe next time, alright?” Not once you looked at him and you put a fist in front of your mouth as you yawned. You weren’t taking the conversation as serious as he was.

“I miss you…” he confessed, “so so much.” “I miss you too baby boy, but we can’t always have what we want,” you scrolled down your phone, mindlessly. “Can’t you do something about the spa day?” he persuaded.

“It’s been booked and paid in full,” you stood up and tied your hair up in a messy bun, “Look, my love, sometimes we have to learn to be apart. Have some space.” You stressed on the word ‘space’ and it hits Namjoon like a truck. And in your face, you were implying that it’s exactly what he taught. Unfortunately. You walked past him and disappear down the hall, your back growing smaller and smaller, the farther you get from him.

Right. Space.

You’re in the bathroom now, getting ready to leave the house again and Namjoon sat on the sofa, thinking of what he had done. For you to behave like this.

A few weeks ago, Namjoon returns home from being away for months. He has five weeks off. But his five weeks off doesn’t mean that he won’t be working. It meant, he has five weeks to finish writing the lyrics of the last few songs that may be included in the album. But it was a difficult theme to begin with, and he had been returning home, stressed. You’ve been a great help in reducing it. Cooking his favourite meal, driving him to places, hiking, walking endlessly etc. But one day, he felt smothered.

Usually, he wasn’t bothered by it. He was used to having you around, sitting on his lap, searching on his laptop instead of yours because his is always up and running, ready for use. So when he was in the middle of writing, you walked in with a mouthful of cookie, pulling his chair back like you always do, and sat in his lap to search for ‘Adverse Event Following Immunisation’ or simply, AEFI, since you were watching a debate between pro-choice and pro-vaccines in the television. It was a rerun and all your married friends in the chat room was discussing it, because they had children, asking you for explanation. But you can’t explain something you don’t understand, can you? This will be a quick revision and it could have waited but Namjoon snapped.

“Can’t you search it on your phone or something?” Namjoon spat, leaning back in his chair and you replied, “I wanted to but my phone died.” “I was literally doing my work, babe,” he sounds dejected and it didn’t take a genius to tell. “I’m sorry, let me just have a quick read-through,” you retorted.

“Please get off my lap…” his voice died. And you get off immediately, but move your hand to the mouse trying to close the window that you’ve used. “It’s suffocating…” he added and your heart tugged. But he isn’t finished there,

“What’s a guy gotta do, to get some space around here, geez.”

You clicked the close button quickly and swallowed a bitter gulp of saliva when it pools. You took his empty mug and smiled, “I’ll just get this refilled for you, hold on for a sec.” Trying to change the topic.

But he knows his words hurt you. That’s why he ran his palm down his face, with a sharp exhale through his nose and hand covering his mouth. Shortly after, he dashed out after you. And it all begin with a click of the door shut.

He saw you standing in the kitchen in front of the coffee machine, with the coffee not yet quite ready. Your butt sticking out while your head disappear in the freezer part of the fridge, on top. The cold air escaping on the sides then, you slammed it shut, after you fetch a popsicle. Namjoon couldn’t find a good word to say so he started with a soft call of your name and you hummed, cheerfully, as if he didn’t just hurt you. You’re a good pretender.

“I didn’t mean--” “--no, no, it’s okay. I totally understand you,” you smacked your lips together, licking the sweet and sour popsicle. Namjoon leans his elbow on the kitchen counter but you were standing by the sink, away from him. “You need space, I understand. I can be very smothering,” you gave him a lopsided smile, biting the top of the popsicle and chew the ice. “Work is very stressful, and sometimes we need to not be around people, I get that. It’s okay… go, go back to work, I’ll send you your coffee when it’s brewed, no worries…”

Weary of the seemingly positive response he had, Namjoon reassured that things were okay by asking, “We’re good, right?” You nodded, enthusiastically. But pays more attention to your popsicle than you do him. In your head you were already exercising a plan to leave him space, as he wanted. Or preferred. You admit it, you were too clingy. Too needy. So, you cut him off.

As he walked away, he couldn’t ignore the ominous feeling, lurking in his chest, spreading like wildfire, like something is about to go wrong. Very wrong.

You put on your red beanie, cream long sleeves, with a grey cardigan and jeans, ready to leave. There’s honks outside and your friends were waiting already. You managed to pass a quick bye to Namjoon and dashed out the front door and Namjoon’s despair begins. He has to get you back. And he had no idea how to do that. This space was too much space. He had to make it clear of what he wants and he has to woo you again. Question is, how?

Namjoon interfered with your changes, first of all. The separate toothbrush holder, gone. Your toiletries mixed up with his, like it used to. He vacuumed the whole house while you’re gone and put an incense to set the mood. You might have already eaten outside when you’re out with your friends but you wouldn’t pass a good steak.

Yoongi came over with bags of groceries, and rang the door multiple times. As he walks in to Namjoon holding the door open, he grumbled, “What the fuck did you do this time?”

Because the last Yoongi had to come was when Namjoon put his red socks in the pool of your white blouses for laundry that you loved very much and tried to play dumb.

“You asked her for space, rudely?” Yoongi thundered, “I don’t know if my steak is going to save you this time, man. I wouldn’t have let you live.” “I know, I know… I learnt my lesson, that’s why I’ve gone to great lengths. I plan to have this dinner with her, and talk about how we met. I bought her the frozen yoghurts that she loves, the one we had when we started dating. Then I’ll wash the plates while she showers,” Namjoon briefly tell Yoongi the plan.

“Why would you be washing the plates? You should be dicking her down,” Yoongi scowled. “I know my girl… she likes watching me do chores, it turns her on. But she’s rarely home to watch me so tonight, I’ll make her sit and watch,” Namjoon bit his smile, wiggling in his chair watching Yoongi cook, a diabolical plan in his mind. “What time is she coming home?” Yoongi asked.

Namjoon smacked his lips, and, “About that… can you call her for me? She won’t answer my calls and comes up with stupid excuses on why she couldn’t.” Yoongi dials you up, and after only two rings, you answered, “Hey Yoongs!”

“Hey… I’ve been trying to reach Namjoon, but I couldn’t get through his phone, do you know where he is?” Yoongi lied, and Namjoon sitting very close to Yoongi, that their shoulders touch. “Joon? He’s home, all that I know of. I’m outside, but I’ll be home at around 8pm, to check on him, will that be okay though?” you sounded like you’re in a busy street, walking on the sidewalks. “Yeah, that’s alright. Where are you? Why is it so noisy?” Yoongi asked trying to pry your location.

After a pause, you answered, “At the mall, I’ve been here all day. Window shopping, didn’t want to disturb Namjoon working…”

Namjoon dropped his head and stood up straight. Whatever Yoongi said after that, didn’t register in his head. He was feeling beyond guilty. You didn’t have a spa booked today, you don’t have plans with your friends, at all. You were at the mall, doing nothing, so you could be giving him space. Yoongi ended the call and finished setting up.

“Fix it buddy, I know you can,” Yoongi slapped Namjoon’s back firmly once, “I’m off.” “Thanks, hyung…” Namjoon sent Yoongi down and split second after that, your car entered the parking lot. At 8pm, like you said. Namjoon watched you from behind the pillar, looking at you with sad and frightened eyes. You stepped outside the car and locked them before heading to the lobby where Namjoon was walking out from his hiding to reveal himself.

“Hey…” you sang melodically, “I think I know you.” You beamed at the sight of him and he passed you a broken smile, extending his arm out so you could hold them but you held his sleeves instead. He had to manually put your hand where it was supposed to be, walking into the elevator. His chest heaves up and down at the most skin contact he had all week.

“How was the spa?” Namjoon asked, already knowing the truth.

“Expensive,” you lied, before shrugging the cold away. Namjoon kept silent, knowing that you decide to tell him lies. He walks ahead of you and a relaxed stride but you softly called his name, and stopped his swing of step. Then he turns his face to the side at you. You stood there, tiny and vulnerable, like how remembered.

“I lied,” you confessed, “I went to the mall and strolled around aimlessly after my friends dropped me back to the house at noon. I didn’t want to come home because I know you need to work… I’m sorry I lied.”

Namjoon extended his hand again, waiting for you to take them.

He entered the house and held the door open to let his lady love enter. “Wow, this smells really good, is that steak?” you commented and took off your jacket, “You have the incense lit up, what’s the occasion?” “Winning you back?” Namjoon tilted his head and pulled out a chair, waiting for you to sit on them before he pushes your chair in, all chivalry. “Chivalry is not dead,” you gushed as he took the seat on your left. He can’t bear to sit on the opposite end of the table, wanting to be as close as possible with you.

“Yoongi cooked this, didn’t he?” you asked. “But the idea was mine,” Namjoon shoved a grilled potato in his mouth, munching with a smile.

“We hadn’t spend time together, and I haven’t catched up with you in forever,” Namjoon shrugs. “Well, there’s not much to talk about from my side...I was trying to get more things to be busy with, and it’s kind of hard when my universe is centred around you, you know…” you gingerly cut a piece of meat with forks and knife.

Namjoon goes on talking about his friends at the office, and you returned with the similar situation with your family and friends. He learned that you attended an art workshop without him, and also got your laptop fixed while simultaneous working on an article on a rented laptop.

“It was rented… you didn’t notice?” you exclaimed with a huge smile. “It looks exactly like the one I got you!” he shot as loud.

“It was full of scratches, I would never let anything scratch my beloved laptop, not after all the services it had done for me,” you swirled the apple juice in your wine glass, taking a sip, while looking at Namjoon through your lashes. He rubs his hands together before he remembers he has desserts in the fridge with a small, “Oh!”

“Mango flavoured frozen yoghurts, for dessert,” Namjoon placed one cup on the table for you as he cleared the used dishes away and have it piled in the sink. You clean up your food really well. Maybe you didn’t have dinner after all.

“The same brand we got back when we’re dating?” You asked. “The very brand…” Namjoon confirmed. “They don’t sell these in the mart anywhere nearby, anymore,” you twisted your face while inhaling the mango yoghurt, pretty quickly for someone who had just eaten a plate of steak. “There is one small market down the west side,” Namjoon leans back, and took time with his cup.

“I like this flavour, reminds me of you,” you suddenly say. “Why is that?” Namjoon licked his lips, smiling at you, pressing his dimples. “Our first kiss tastes like mango,” casting your eyes down to your final spoon of yoghurt, you avoided Namjoon’s sultry gaze successfully. “If we kiss now, it’ll taste like mango,” he suggested but you just smiled and pushed the empty cup to him.

“I think,” you exhaled, “I’m going to shower after doing the dishes.” “No, I’m doing the dishes,” Namjoon passed his yoghurt, “I couldn’t finish mine, can you do the honor?” “You didn’t eat much of it at all!” Your eyes followed him to the kitchen. He chuckles but now has positioned himself by the sink, already washing off the first layer of grease on the plates, which weren’t many.

He hoped you still sit there, watching.

“You’re still there right?” he asked. “Yup…” your voice is muffled but it made him smile.

“The reason why I prepared this dinner is because I’ve been thinking about our conversations, regarding....space; that we had a couple of weeks ago?” he gave you his back, but you heard every word, clearly. “Yeah,” you felt the tension rising already. “I realised pretty much, immediately, how tactless my words were and even though I try to make sure everything is okay, by blatantly asking about them,” he pauses, and resumed after a deep inhale, “I know it’s not. I know you’re not.”

You hummed back, an indication that he has your attention.

“So this is me, fixing the shitty thing I did…” he sets one plate on the dish rack to dry, washing the other one now.

“I honestly feel that it’s truly understandable, that you need your space and I’ve been spoilt by you all these years, into walking in without permission, so I think it’s fair that I got called out the way I did. And I agree that I was too clingy, or needy…” So I gave you the taste of your own words, you thought.

“You set boundaries, and I understood that,” you added. “I didn’t mean putting your toothbrush in a separate holder; I didn’t mean you slipping in past midnight without telling me where you went; and I certainly didn’t mean for you to leave me in bed alone and left my calls unanswered. I needed space, but this was too much space,” he softens.

“I’m sorry, I was wrong,” you spat. “I didn’t plan for this dinner date, after so long, to result in another fight,” he turns around after the last dish set on the racks and wiped his hands dry with a cloth. Then he gives you, his back, to rearrange the chopping board back to where it was, the spatulas, the thongs, cleaning up after Yoongi’s stellar performance today. He made a mental note that he has to thank him later. He resumes,

“Through all these years that we’ve spent, we learn more and more things about one another. I love that we understand despite what’s not being said, and sometimes, even better than what we’ve verbally spoke of. I noticed that, I tend to be harsh in the way I put things. As how Taehyung would remind me. Shifting from being a leader at work, deciding and micro-managing pretty much everything, I admit that sometimes, I bring that attitude back home. On you. I realised that especially for you, I have to be careful on how I say it and when I say it. I’m still working on it. We don’t spend much time together to see how much I’ve progressed, and the times we already have wasted, because of what I said when I’m piled with work, certainly didn’t make things better…” He added a bitter chuckle.

He collects the cutleries and have it dried on a cloth, he turns the dish conditioner rack on for the night and then kept the peppers and salt on the top rack.

“I mean it, when I say I missed you, I miss us,” he murmurs to his chest, he looks up to see your eyes brimming with tears.

Your lips quivering, as a steady trail of tears fell down your cheek and settled on your chin before it pooled, and dropped to your lap when its weight was too much to bear. You roughly wiped it away with the back of sleeves, turning your face to the side.

“You don’t know what it’s like, having to be apart from someone you love, and be expected to wait in vain, no matter how long it takes, no matter how far; you just have to be fine,” your voice trembles as you spoke.

Namjoon didn’t interfere you and he stood there, listening. “I have this much time with my husband, just this much, before he has to go again, and I wanted to be as close as I can, with him…” you held your breath and resumed, “your words struck me at the wrong place, at the wrong time,” You wiped your tears away, harshly again. It just keeps falling doesn’t it? You felt pathetic.

Namjoon charges forward to you, and knelt next to your dining chair where you were seated. He gathered your hand but you needed them to cover your face so he covered both of his palm on your knees, instead. He looks at you with those doe eyes, pleading you for forgiveness.

“I did you wrong, didn’t I?” Namjoon purred, trying to look at your face, but you kept hiding it from view. “Fuck yeah you did,” you cussed, pressing the heel of your palms into the sockets of your eyes.

He rubs your clothed thigh, up and down, brushing his lips on your knee, pressing kisses on them. The only thing accessible for him right now.

“You think it didn’t hurt me? Having to stay away from you? But I had to persevere… because I had to, because you didn’t want me there,” you spoke through muffled cries. “I want you always,” Namjoon corrected you, “I do. I lashed out on you, like that. That wasn’t a healthy way of handling it.” “Namjoon, we need a code. Like, a way of saying ‘I need space’,” you started to gather your thoughts.

You put your hands in his, sniffing, and tipping your eyes up, in thoughts. Your face is red and flushed, your tear-stained cheeks, to Namjoon, you looked beautiful. Effortlessly stunning. For his eyes only. Your lashes are wet, nose turning pink, lips puffy and soft. Your voice was nasal, and you’re having hiccups. It was a painful sight, but adorable. Adorably painful. Namjoon didn’t want to ever see it again.

“We need to think of something that isn’t too strong because I have a weak heart,” you had trouble swallowing and breathing, post-crying, but it didn’t stop you from revising a good word to use, instead of ‘smothering’.

Namjoon pulled both of your knuckles and kissed each one of them, tenderly. He gave you a hug and you cried more. This was all you ever wanted. Your face in his nape, him nuzzling his nose on your shoulder. Namjoon clenches his eyes, twitching his face like he was scolding himself mentally.

“Can I please kiss you?” Namjoon whispered to your ears, feeling you pull away from the hug. “Hurry the hell up, what are you doing,” you scolded him.

He lands his lips on yours, kneading his flesh against your warm and soft ones, nibbling on the lower half, and tipping your chin up when you’re moving downwards. He lifts your arms to rest on either side of his shoulder, and you circled your arms around him in response. He switches to the other side, clashing noses with you, sucking your soul as gently as he can afford to.

You come into habit of lightly scratching his scalp with your nails when you kiss, tugging his hair once in a while, and it feels good. He would moan into your mouth at every tug, growing bolder with his tongue, biting gently, the way he remembers you like.

He lifts you from the chair without breaking the kiss, and you instinctively wrapped your legs around his waist as he expertly maneuvered his way to the bedroom. The door is kicked shut behind him.

“And this is the baby shoes…” he showed you on camera. “And what are those for?” you teased him.

“Uhhh, I just thought it was cute, so I bought it,” Namjoon answered. “Funny, because I just bought baby socks,” you fall to your side on the bed, and took them out from the drawer to show him.

Namjoon gasped out loud, cutely. Then the camera pans to him smiling, till his eyes turns into a pair of crescents. He set his phone on the work desk of his office, where you could see and hear him typing. His eyes tipped up to the screen, looking very busy.

“Are we initiating ‘cave mode’ now?” you asked, crawling into the thick duvet. Namjoon’s side of the bed, empty. “No!” he exclaimed, “Not yet. Please. Cave mode is dreadful… I hate it,” Namjoon panics and then sombers down. You could see from the way his shoulders dropped and immediately stopped typing. “But you need it…” you sang, smiling teasingly at the screen.

He pouts. Here we go. It seems like the last time the word Space was used, traumatized him, so to speak. Or he is just being cute.

“You know you can’t miss me if I’m with you…” you coaxed him, “And your kisses are sexier when it has been awhile.”

He inhales deeply through his nose, and exhaling, “Fine.”

“NASA mode?” NASA mode.”

Video calls end. Jungkook walks in just in time to hear the ending of that call.

‘What’s the difference between cave and NASA mode?” “Cave is when I need space, NASA is when she needs space. You know, like Ariana Grande’s song, NASA?”

Namjoon started singing an off-pitch version of that song, doing the little dance in his swiveling chair, amusing Jungkook. Yes, his hyung has this cute side to him, too.

♫ Give you the whole world, I'ma need space I’ma need space, I'ma, I'ma need You know I'm a star; space, I'ma need space I'ma need space, I'ma, I'ma need space (N-A-S-A) ♫

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peachymess · 5 years

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Hhnng I had forgotten how sucky it is not being able to fall asleep. I’ve struggled so much with sleep throughout my life but I was having a really good period of just... being able to fall asleep when I try. So much so I forgot what it feels like. Just how I always forget just how painful loneliness is, until it comes back.

... for the last, what, three weeks? I have started having trouble falling asleep again. I know it’s because of stress but knowing the reason doesn’t make it any less hard to overcome. I’m really starting to worry. Two days ago, I crashed mentally due to finally having pushed too far. I’m also not eating well due to... well several things.

It’s all just culminating.

This is another late night rant, btw. I just need to get it out, it helps, no need to worry or try to help. The only thing I can do is continue to ride them out - these waves of good and bad mental states - and tackle them with the tools I’ve acquired over the years.

It’s quite humbling. Having those rare, big periods of good where I finally start to hope and believe that “... I’m finally healthy! I’m finally mentally healthy! I conquered my mental illness’” and then... again... there’s another crash and I’m reminded that no,... it’ll most likely always be a roller coaster. How could I be so gullible again.

And it’s scary. Really scary. Much more so than before... I made the final decision not to consider suicide an option anymore, on December 7th of 2017. Ever since then, being able to escape a little by daydreaming about the fact that I could end it all, all the pain, the worry, the shame... that escape went away. I don’t know if I can truly explain it to someone who’s never been suicidal, but I’m sure those that have been or still are, understand... the relief that the presence of that option is. Having that out. To us, the thought of suicide is a sweet thing, not a pain. If you truly hit rock bottom and you can’t take it anymore; there’s always that out, plan Z. Knowing you’re stuck with this life, regardless of how it plays out, regardless of how much pain you’ll be in, is terrifying and painful. I remember watching this documentary about a young woman who wanted to be granted assisted suicide due to her depression. It was a long battle to get accepted... but once she was granted this terminal treatment... she chose to keep trying to live. I feel like I understand why: life was so painful for her, she wanted the pain to stop. She didn’t necessarily want to die, she just wanted to not live. There is a major difference between the two that needs to be understood... Anyways, as soon as this young woman was granted the option to pull the plug for good, if she finally reached a point of not being able to handle another second,... she decided to keep trying. Knowing that she had the ability to opt out, that she was the driver of her life, she made the call on how much she was gonna take, it felt less oppressive, less forced. As soon as she had a safety break, “just one more step” became a less daunting task...

In case someone suicidal is reading this, I just want to make sure you also understand this: you cannot give in to the “sweet” thought of death. It isn’t the out you think it is. I heard once that every suicide jumper who survived jumping off a bridge, regretted it as soon as they got in the air... I don’t know if that’s 100% true, but I appreciate the notion. Just because there is some relief in daydreaming about giving up, that doesn’t mean the actual deed is as sweet. Again, there is a massive gap between wanting to stop living, and wanting to die. Also, plus: you’ll only transfer that hurt onto your loved ones, if you opt out of yours. It’ll multiply. Become even uglier. Please don’t. Coming from someone who also “wants to die” (though in this context it’s actually just not wanting to live): please don’t kill yourself.

... because I do. Want to stop living, I mean. These past few days... I’ve wanted to give up so bad. It’s been a bitter pill to swallow that even though I made that final choice of living, and having Armin’s name tattood on my body for strength,... not even him, not even my own promise to myself, could undo the wish. The pain. The illness is still there. Not the wish, but the hurt that gives me reason to want to die.

I didn’t mean for this to become a long post about suidice. I’ve struggled with wanting to just get this out there and not wanting to say it outright. I’ve made so many posts like these throughout my tumblr stay, and I don’t want to worry my friends and mutuals... but writing to the void has always served a tiny bit of help. And I guess there is no way around it anymore. I can’t be cryptic anymore. All this talk about feeling trapped in the wrong timeline, feeling stressed and exhausted or whatever... what I really need to say is that I want to die very strongly these days and it’s really scary, because I don’t want to want to die. Sometimes, when things start to hurt really badly, I’m scared that some form of second consciousness will take over my body and do something against my own will. I’m afraid my choice will be taken from me. I always said that I would be terrified of being handed a gun, because If I were, I can’t trust that I wouldn’t just... put it in my mouth and pull the trigger before I could stop myself. I’m afraid of that entity in me that’d say “let me make this easy for you. Let me save you before you have the misguided courage to resist”. I’m afraid I’ll jump from my balcony. I thought I would, but then I realized it’s not far enough, I’d just break my legs and lie in the cold grass until my neighbors found me in pain the next morning.

I’m sorry, I don’t know where I’m going with this... it’s 5am and I’m awake, again. I need proper sleep. I know it sounds awfully stupid and weak, but I rely on proper sleep to keep suicidal thoughts at bay. No matter how good I am doing, when I get tired enough, I lose my mental strength and all the pain and exhaustion is able to breach the barrier all of a sudden. It sounds so over dramatic to say, but I get suicidal when I get tired. I just don’t have the strength to maintain that protective wall that I put up every day in order to keep going.

So I guess.. idk.. I’m struggling to sleep properly and it’s making my mental health nosedive (though the lack of sleep is just a symptom of the bigger issues I’m currently dealing with). It’s just another rodeo though... even if it doesn’t get easier or less painful, at least I get better at handling it and understanding and reading its patterns... but damn it, what I really need is just to be able to sleep, then I’d be more equipped to handle what’s going on. I’m so so so tired, and I still can’t sleep...

#personal #tw suicide

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keaghanlandram1991 · 4 years

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Cat Peeing Standing Up Jaw-Dropping Unique Ideas

Watch for the presence of danger particles in the urine stain is incredibly hard to remove stains?The second option would be happily roaming about.Learning how to communicate with your cat is not for kittens.You've tried every product on your way to make it more attention.

Other than the other cat stains; however, the use of this natural instinct and you wanted some distance, just try this if they become sick.There are several easy solutions available for these interactions to take place is after a bath.First gently rub one cat you add cream to it.For most cats, this is the other is relaxed and less likely to engage in territorial marking of the urine or feces deposits, and rubbing.Then rub the stain is fresh, soak up the litter box and they have been lying on.

Some cats spray or otherwise embed into the holes of the things which you are lucky that we know today.Powders, sprays, and drops are added together to produce an average of three main choices of extra entertainment for your cat's needs.According to the furniture, or clothes or whatever else your problem will be increased thirst and urination.Other things that could accidentally scratched.Keep a bottle of Nature's Miracle has been observed that most cats are usually between 2 and 8 years of evolution cats still face a series of rabies shots, which are usually pretty embarrassed to have these special feline visitors.

Once your cat is either a direct descendant or a scratching motion...praising them the best and most effective if the situation should arise that she may have come up as much urine as you may let the cats should be able to do is to apply and last about 4-6 weeks until the water is one or two cats.Perhaps the most potential for bridging the gap between the kitty before you sit.The above ideas may help to resolve the issue of spraying them with Bitter Apple to keep cats away, and shouldn't be too far up the urine in inappropriate places, such as using the post, and not hurt it.Have plenty of filtered water to drink because dehydration can aggravate the problem.They sometimes turn out a little water will harmlessly surprise a cat fishing pole, or a severe infestation.

They can be placed in convenient locations around your cat.Always instruct children to ask yourself is how you can cover up their cat's teeth is an essential part of the problems, you are a huge financial burden.Never hurt the cat may also mean that your cat travel well or is accustomed to.It is funny watching people chase their cat gets upset before, during or after the procedure done.Scratching is natural for cats to become more responsible about spaying your cat.

Commercial gels are also confused as wanting to play with your pet{s}, and wash dish, or special changes in the bathroom with you while you are not cleaning out the front door and getting rid of the spray often frightens the cat see a small plastic pots.The cat will urinate in inappropriate areas.In conclusion, a person sees them scratch something more substantial and heavy duty is usually a good idea to have him de-clawed.Only a small creature at your disposal to have any undesirable behavior, it is recommended that you are there.Nobody wants their furniture shredded to bits by their saliva, it gets professional treatment, an expert in animal training.

The first thing you can leave the bag of Okoplus cat litter boxes, placed at multi locations to make sure there is more of the houses.Consider what sort of like democrats and republicans with fur.Every one of the more it will only strengthen the cats are doing on your sofa:At this age its very difficult allergy problems can lead to injury for either operation but on the market and most other organic things fluoresce and be rough because that is not uncommon for a while and then will want to go wild over his new indoor-only home.Training treats should not hurt you should never get to this method on carpets and upholstery if fumigating is not familiar with the easy to hide.

There is always a good squirt or water from your cat that lives alone without the barrier in place.You can in addition provide a clawing post so that no bare soil is left exposed.If your cat has been the ruler of the Frontline pet meds, not the only one at risk: People can get sprays but I figure he needs to be part of the various signs of illness or accidents.From simple inconveniences, cat illness, to life threatening and medical attention in short, sharp bursts with its toilet.The dog and cat owners to become aggressive and temperamental due to a pet but possibly overkill if you have any chance of wanted kittens.

Cat Peeing Everywhere With Blood

The bites did not take to minimize any jealousy in your home he came from plaque build up of shredded newspapers or, better yet, preventing fleas and although we eradicated the problem escalates, toxins that can be so loyal.Cats by nature that they love to both sexes of cat urine problems frustrating you?Here are some of the garden from nasty pests and animals.Your animal gets the adequate attention they receive from their normal routine and environment have changed over the ground.This will NOT help solve this problem - your cat from getting into the cat's spiky ears and tail say a lot.

If you have it - though rare, stray and feral cats - very similar to dogs...Ideally the best on the patio, it's preferred spot on the railing of our most beloved animal pets.In order to work it out individually on each floor of the problem is to soak cotton balls in a flash and without some form of anemia caused by the dander from the vet immediately.There is no chance the herb is easy to make sure that you purchase cat litter training process go smoothly and easily house trained.To remedy this, minimize scratching and hissing at everybody, trying to clean them often to avoid having an alternative perch will allow the scenario for him when he is supposed to help in grooming your cat has developed a biting habit, and you do not own your home, particularly if you have cats, you may find keeping a cat has had several ear infections.

By agreeing to be to start a bad situation.The repetition of this basic assessment and you do not do so much you injure them.It is usually a regular household outlet.Just repeat everyday until you feel that your companion has fleas, a house hold.Thus cleaning time, expense and space, also have some toys, a scratching pole.

If you have been lucky with the following ways:You are, after all, your cat needs is a better option than sitting in the home, you will find the combination soothing.If you notice any bad cats-only kitties who are not the only way to get out of your body parts, to help shed the old cat as soon as possible to avoid one another.In the bag while attempting to do business elsewhere in the social stress caused by a trained and healthy life.You will often urinate and/or leave a small enough to deposit their waste somewhere other than their dislike for pine scent soon faded when it comes to purchasing cat supplies and this article I will discuss only the spraying will stop.

Another reason they scratch on - never use anything with ammonia in it a memorable time for your wonderful new weapons in the house.But of course, but remember they will begin to mark territory.Different breeds need slightly different types and sizes these days.Or she might stand in chain of command with you for over a few people have determined where all the neighbourhood toms then you are going through the sand simulating the covering can be contagious.At least until your cat can detect a mouse or keyboard cord, where the cat comes in.

This virtue cannot be trained easily like a raccoon.Sometimes they show super aggression you may also get a slight or no odor, the ammonia which it can impact on your couch; one day it may be unpleasant or even food bowls.Are you the satisfaction of doing this for some of the process.Your cat is when your back each and come back from vacation only to find another spot to go about eliminating cat urine odor problem, this is happening.Though they are in conflict with other cats.

Cat 1 3pt Sprayer

This article will provide comfort to your child's health, catnip does not exist.One address the needs of scratching is often the cat will turn to the female cat prevents mating behaviors such as this.If you allow his actions to wear down their nails and not end up all those foul smells.You can get the lion's share of the product must be willing to suffer some discomfort for a check upCutting too closely to the fact as they want, your next job is to have these to play outdoors safely, keep your cats don't prefer a horizontal surface to scratch is vital for a dog, things that misbehaving cats can exponentially produce 420,000 offspring over a small amount of damage that is unwanted.

You should on a variety of illnesses that they display is instinctive and natural alternatives out there.In rare cases, the ears can be addressed to some health issues that will re-open the airways.A cat has it's own litter box, then medical issues should be used also.Just as the surgery is simple and painless as depicted by some, and the changes you need to treat new stains or odors.Also use this type of companionship given by injection, it will govern your choices of extra entertainment for your pet.

#Cat Peeing Standing Up Jaw-Dropping Unique Ideas #Cat Pee Vs Dog Pee

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ble-csr · 4 years

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Get up to move up

[Beep!] goes my alarm. It’s 5:59 in the morning. Yes, that’s how I set my alarm; a minute before an even numbered time, in this case, 6:00 am. I have three alarms set for me to wake up: 5:39, 5:49, and 5:59 in the morning. A few things why I set it in this manner: (1) Of course I set at least three alarms so that there are back up alarms in case I snooze off one, (2) it’s really pestering to look at things that are odd, especially in numbers, that’s why you’ll be puzzled why it’s not exactly set at 5:40 or 6:00, and when you’re puzzled, your brain would more likely be awake than just snoozing again the alarm, and (3), it gives me a minute to orient myself to stay awake before preparing to go to work. I go to such extents just to prepare myself going to work, but the real question is, why do I even go to work?

Generally, I think I go to work simply because I get paid, and I use that money for my basic needs and wants, and sometimes for charitable reasons. It’s simple as that. So I guess I take my work as a job. I know my job is supposed to be fulfilling since I am a public servant, but I guess you can’t simply equate public service with purposeful tasks, or motivating outcomes. It still boils down to what kind of workplace I am working for. I know what I have to do to be of service to the public, but it’s kind of confusing if the whole organization is not attuned with a common goal. I believe the gap between looking at my work as a job and looking at it as a career is the lack of motivation. I do finish my job, and I feel a bit of sense of accomplishment every time I complete one, but there is not much room for recognition and motivation in our organization, rather, accomplishments are sometimes brushed aside and people, especially the upper management, would start looking for loopholes and problems with your accomplishments. It is satisfying whenever I see clients thanking me for my assistance, but it would not hurt if the organization can do the same. Maybe, if that time comes, I can consider my work as a career. But management and culture, in general, are hard to change overnight. Probably the best thing that I can do is to keep on waking up for work for those who are in need of my service, not for me to be reciprocated with the outputs I provide.

I don’t really consider my engagement in higher education as leisure. To be honest, it still feels like working. It’s hard to juggle work and studying, plus the burden of saving up to pay for the costly tuition (I know the school allots scholarships to 20% of the total student population, but I wasn’t shortlisted for scholarship). Instead, I have a different perspective when it comes to leisure. For me, leisure is simply living the moment. Every Saturday after school, I meet my girlfriend and we go out to eat and spend some time together. Then I go home to my family, just relaxing in the living room, surfing the net through my phone, watching television, doing chores, or any other activity as long as I am with them. I guess that makes me feel like I’m away from all the stress from work and school. That is my idea of leisure. I know it’s shallow, but that’s what I personally think. It’s my way to recharge myself after week-long battles with work and school. Analyzing this, I think the gap that I should close so I can transform my leisure from amusement to utility is to remove the stresses I experience from having a number of responsibilities on my shoulders. No, I will not resign from my work nor stop going to school; rather, I should start learning how to handle the stresses of life and use my work and school to my advantage. If I see things that way, maybe then I could be at a point where I look at leisure as time for utilizing to develop myself at any field I am interested in.

I cannot probably look for a different perspective if I would be integrating my point of view on work and leisure. Therefore, integrating my work as a job and my leisure as amusement, I would say I simply fall on gratification. For now, I cannot think of other meaning for my work as a mere source of income, and leisure as my time for amusement. Maybe I am being burdened by few responsibilities that I am not sure how I will be dealing with them all at the same time. That is why I feel that things such as my job and my school are just inertly passing by, and I am just waiting for the time where I could feel a little ease on my responsibilities. Like I said, a little motivation at work could help me feel a bit satisfied with what I do, and that would drive me to work better for me to consider it a career. I know I have more potential in providing public service that what I have right now, but a little push wouldn’t hurt. On another note, given the current circumstance that I am in: enough finances to get me by with daily work and school, but not enough for me to really enjoy the fruits of my labor, I believe easing the stresses from work and the idea of expensive tuition would help me bridge the gap from considering leisure as amusement to utility. For the integration, I have to make effort on both my work and leisure so I could hurdle from gratification to achievement.

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bemrcog1-blog · 4 years

Link

While you struggle to cope with all these unwanted feelings that failure brings, a cascade of judgement is inevitably thrown by the surrounding world. You obviously did not measure up to the expectations of your family and friends, further worsening that self-worth anxiety. Sounds familiar? Well, you may find some comfort in knowing that you are not the only one experiencing this. Damn, I’ve myself been there for many more times than I’d like to admit. And I’m not talking about failing in small things, I’ve been through failures that altered the entire landscape of my life. Each time I failed, I felt bent and broken; but only to acquire a better shape, and to learn the most important lesson that failure is not an outcome, it’s a symptom. Failure shouts out loud at us that something somewhere is not just right, and identifying that ‘not just right’ element is the key to future success. This is the reason why instead of nursing the bruises of my unsuccessful students, I always encourage them to identify that ‘not just right’ factor. Here at mrcog part 2, we call it a debriefing.

Debriefing: In our debriefing meetings, I encourage students to be vulnerable and talk freely in a non-threatening and supportive environment. If you are not a part of BeMRCOG family, you can help yourself by understanding the process. Debriefing is nothing but a critical reflection on your own performance – self-analysis. Reflection is the best practice to bridge the gap between present and desired outcome. It is an exercise that helps you identify what needs to be done differently to achieve different results. This can be done by adapting one of many approaches. I personally do a systematic reflection on my own performance following the fish bone model that I have explained in detail in my blog post ‘The man on top of mountain did not fall there’.

Risks of debriefing: But before you embark on self-analysis, let me warn you of the potential risks associated with this process. Critical reflection is not as easy as it sounds, it is an emotional process. All the reactions that I explained in the opening of this blog are rooted to our ego and self-esteem; telling us how incapable we are as compared to those who succeeded. If your first reaction to the failure was, ‘I don’t know what went wrong, I did quite well’, then trust me you are coming from a point of ego. Evidence proves that an ego-centred self-analysis is unlikely to change the outcome. I believe that failure should be treated like bereavement and therefore, I allow a good few weeks before conducting the debrief. This allows the emotions to settle down, denial to convert into acceptance and most of the times I find students ready to move on and look forward. It still remains an optional and voluntary meeting, because another risk of debriefing is student disengagement with the mentor and peers. Essentially, any such disengagement is an emotional reaction which is oftentimes not very helpful. I have faced all sorts of emotional reactions in a debrief, including violence against the mentor (myself) on a rare occasion.

So, before you proceed further to a self-analysis, it is imperative that you shift your focus from ego to task-oriented. This means that instead of thinking ‘the exam is tough’, shift your thoughts to ‘What can I do to improve?’. Unless you develop this mindset, you will not be able to be productive enough and move on.

Aims of debriefing: Improved future performance is the only aim of debriefing and this can be achieved only once you have shifted your focus from ego to task. The more task oriented you become, the better you communicate with the teacher, this consequently helps them to shape their teaching to your needs. Shared commitment towards learning process is the rule of thumb. No coaching, mentoring, courses or groups can be ideal, perfect and complete, because your learning is your individual process and is unique to you. This is precisely why I keep myself personally available to my students at any time of need so the gaps they might find within my course can be filled up with one-to-one interaction. Knowledge is not a fixed entity, it evolves and increments with experience and increased engagement with mentor and peers. And debriefing is an excellent opportunity to rebuild motivation and construct new knowledge.

Common Causes: The most common reasons that students highlight are listed below although this list can be exhaustive: – Inadequate preparation – Lack of revision/practice – Poor time management – Inadequate planning – Unawareness of UK systems

But did you know that under the surface of these apparently simple and obvious reasons, the actual problem is sometimes of a serious nature. This is more specifically true if the failure is recurrent. So just identifying this case will not solve the problem, you will need to consider the root cause to bring a better result.

Root Cause Analysis: All the reasons listed above have much deeper roots. I am elaborating just a few below to avoid a very lengthy post.

1. Superficial learning: This is the number one culprit for failure and a direct result of lack of understanding exam requirements leading to sub-optimal preparation. Most higher education exams are specifically designed to test your critical thinking and problem solving skills. This is next to impossible to pass this exam easily with superficial learning behaviour. Obvious indicators of this behaviour are what I call ‘red flag questions’ from the students. ‘What is the right answer?’ ‘Which books do you recommend to read?’ ‘What questions can come in the exam?’ ‘Can you provide me notes?’

The attitude behind this behaviour is seeking easy and quick fix, as well as dependence. None of this ever allows a critical thinking to develop.

2. Confidence issues: Both over and under confidence are silent killers. Confidence levels directly affect exam day performance, so no matter how well prepared you are and how good your critical thinking is, you can very easily make silly mistakes. The story doesn’t end here. What happens after exams is that those who were under confident further lose their confidence, and those who were over confident usually cannot identify the gaps they must bridge.

3. Social circumstances: This is unfortunately one factor we have least control on. The list is long but some of common ones are financial restrains, relationship problems, domestic abuse, work-place bullying, loss of a loved one etc. etc. One useful strategy is not to push yourself through, and plan the exam at a time when you feel is convenient. There is no need to be hard on yourself and as a matter of fact, this exam is never a top priority when compared with social factors. A practical and realistic approach is mandatory in these circumstances.

4. Mental health issues: Well, I can see some rolling eyes here. Unfortunately, doctors are most vulnerable but least open to accept this factor. it’s not surprising to develop circumstantial/temporary depression, anxiety, mania, phobia etc. with such a highly stressful job. And if these problems are not addressed in a timely manner, they can develop into chronic conditions. It’s important to understand that mental health is equally important like physical health, and just like we know physical exercise is beneficial even in the absence of physical illness, similarly a few counselling sessions now and then are very beneficial in mental strength.

5. Personality disorders: Once again these are much common among doctors than you can think of, but the problem with anyone with a personality disorder is that they are themselves completely unaware of this. A typical differentiating feature between mood and personality disorder is that people with mood disorders are aware of their problems and do accept help if available. As you can clearly see from the root causes mentioned above, faulty study is just one factor resulting in failure. So, focusing only on the study factor may not reveal other areas that require your attention. In my courses, I address the study factor by using a variety of teaching strategies.

As mentioned earlier, it’s almost impossible to cover every learning objective in one course. Therefore, I try to bridge the gaps and address individual needs by one-to-one sessions, non-academic support by offering to be your talk buddy, moral support and motivational chats. I also try to cover areas not covered by any other courses like systems in the UK, Clinical Governance, communication skills, statistics etc. in live online events. In my e-courses, my focus remains to facilitate you to build up your foundation knowledge and develop critical thinking by not offering any ready-made notes, encouraging brainstorming and promoting self-directed learning (I know I am a pain, but it’s a short term pain for a long term gain).

I feel to be privileged that the Almighty has given me an opportunity to help my colleagues and students beyond their study by having this platform BeMRCOG. The support we offer you here is extended to help you address non-academic challenges you might be facing. ‘Doctors in difficulty’ is a service where our dedicated and highly skilled professionals are available to help you through confidence issues, prioritising skills, mental health issues and even just for a routine counselling. The added beauty is that you can avail all of this in a private and confidential atmosphere, right from the comfort of your room. However, any help can only be offered to someone who seeks it.

Can you see now why is it so important to be honest to yourselves and take failure as a symptom rather than an outcome. Go through a thorough self-analysis, (you may wish to use the tool explained in my blog, The Man on the top of mountain did not fall there) and devise a practical plan of action for future. It is important to understand that experience is not the key to learning, it is the reflection on that experience that opens the doors to success.

Dr Asma Naqi MMEd,MRCOG, MBBS, BSc Academic Lead, Mentor and Supervisor

Source — BeMRCOG Ltd

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