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je-suis-asshole · 2 years

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Running From My Emptiness

A Treebros Oneshot

warning: this heavily features an eating disorder and contains vomiting

Night time has always been the most peaceful for Evan. It means no people, no expectations, just him and the dark. Being well acquainted with sleeplessness, he had grown accustomed to staring at the ceiling, not sure why he couldn't just fall asleep.

Tonight, however, he knew exactly why he couldn't sleep. His stomach wasn't exactly quiet with it's tugging and growling.

Maybe Evan hadn't eaten dinner tonight. Or lunch. And he never eats breakfast. So what? It's just one day. It's not like anyone died from skipping one day.

It wasn't on purpose, either. Evan had spent the lunch period in the counselors office, discussing his AP exams in a few months. They would be the last AP exams he took until applying for college next year, and his counselor couldn't stop expressing how important it was for juniors to send colleges their exam scores. Which meant scoring well. Which meant studying.

So, later that night, he had opted to ignore the twenty dollar bill his mother had left on the counter. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence. He had other things to do, like look up study guides for AP Bio.

It doesn't matter if he lied to his boyfriend when he had asked if he had eaten yet. Connor was a worrier, that was all. Evan just didn't want to stress him out.

Evan huffed, and rolled over on his bed. He would just have to try harder to sleep. It was far too late to eat. Tomorrow was a new day.

"What's wrong with your sandwich?" Connor asked, screwing the cap on his water bottle closed. The chaos of the cafeteria raged on around them and their small, sticky table.

"What do you mean?" Evan asked, stabbing at the container of broccoli with the flimsy fork. Connor flicked his wrist towards the sandwich, like that was the part that Evan was questioning.

"You haven't touched it," he commented. It was undeniably true, so Evan just shrugged.

"Not feeling very hungry. I actually had breakfast this morning and I guess that was enough," he lied with ease.

Evan wasn't a liar. It's not like he made a habit out of it, or he relished deceiving Connor. He just didn't want to make it out to be something that it wasn't.

"At least one of us has our shit together," Connor scoffed. "I left my notebook on my desk last night, and didn't even realize until this period. I'm so used to just not taking notes."

"I could have told you that," Evan said, yelping at the pea that got thrown at his head in response.

The bell signaling the end of lunch rang, and his tray got thrown in the garbage, untouched.

It wasn't a habit.

It really wasn't. Evan wasn't trying to skip eating or anything. He had been planning on eating dinner that night, honest.

But as he stepped out of the shower that evening, he couldn't help but glance in the mirror.

He had only skipped for a couple of days. Staring in the mirror, though, he looked... skinnier. Not a significant amount. Just enough. Enough to get him thinking.

Evan had never considered himself overweight. In fact, doctors often told him that he was close to underweight and advised him to eat more.

Despite this, he never really liked how he looked. His face was too round, his nose too big, his fingers too stubby, his chest too sunken. It got worse when he started going out with Connor. Perfect, beautiful, angelic Connor who makes anyone standing next to him look hideous. Especially Evan.

He never understood what Connor saw in him. Why anyone as supernaturally beautiful would want someone who looks the way Evan does.

But, now, Evan felt better. It wasn't quite confidence in his appearance, or even tolerance, but he hated what he saw a little less.

And maybe, he thought, so would Connor.

For once, when Evan got into Connor's car the next morning, he felt a little excited for the day ahead. He had found a solution to the problem that was him. And the aching in his gut was a reminder that he was doing the right thing.

"Good morning!" he said, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek before dropping his backpack down between his legs.

"Good morning, babe. What's the good news?"

"What good news?" Besides the fact that Evan had discovered how to finally fix himself. Now not only would his looks improve, so will his relationship with Connor and his mental health. He had to restrain himself from kissing him again out of joy.

"You seem very cheery. What happened?" Connor asked suspiciously. He was smiling, though, when he pulled out of the Hansen's driveway.

"Nothing. I just feel good. And I love you," Evan said. Both were true. Especially that last part. He really did love Connor, and now he could justify how Connor could love him.

It never really made sense. He guesses he could understand why Connor wanted to be friends with him. Neither of them had friends and bad company is better than no company.

But he didn't have to ask Evan out. He didn't have to let another day go by without breaking up with him. Unless someone was secretly making him, or Evan's mom was paying Connor- no. That's stupid. She didn't have enough money to pay Connor. It'd take a significant amount to make someone deal with Evan.

Now, though, now Connor will like him.

"You're smiling," Connor said, stopping at a red light and taking the opportunity to turn to Evan. Evan touched his face to find that he really was smiling. He hadn't even noticed.

"Oh. Sorry. I didn't notice," he said, biting his lip to keep it down. Just one more thing he didn't like about himself. His eyes would crinkle too much and his gums were too big.

"Don't apologize for smiling! I like it. I like your smile. I like you being happy," Connor admitted, ears glowing red with blush. It was hard for him to be open and mushy, Evan knew, but with practice he learned to open up.

"I am happy." Soon, with enough discipline and self-restraint, he'd be able to make Connor happy too.

Connor grinned, and rested his hand on Evan's leg as he cleared the intersection.

The smile faded. Evan wasn't skinny enough yet for Connor to touch him, especially on his leg! He couldn't pull away, that would be rude and Connor would think that he'd done something wrong.

Evan didn't relax until they were out of the car and walking into school together. He had a mission, now. A goal. To finally be skinny enough for Connor to touch.

139.5lbs.

That was how much he weighed at the end of the week. Evan felt sick. He had a system, and it seemed that it didn't work. Only during breakfast would he eat, and then sometimes a snack for dinner. But he was still too heavy.

Frantically, Evan looked up how much a teenage boy his height should weigh.

Google was lying. The article he used to calculate his BMI said his weight was on the lower end of the average weight range. That wasn't not right. He was heavier than that.

He couldn't settle for average. He wouldn't rest until that calculator read 'underweight'.

Maybe he should start working out. That way he wouldn't just be waiting for his body to burn calories on its own. He could speed up the process by burning it himself.

Besides, wasn't working out healthy? He was just being healthy.

School was a blessing in disguise. It was so much easier to avoid food at school. At home he had to lock his bedroom door to avoid wandering down into the kitchen and listening to the growing pit in his stomach. Or he would go on a run through the neighborhood to put distance between him and the fridge.

But at school, all he had to do was call the cafeteria food gross and get away with eating nothing for 7 hours.

"Here," Connor said one day at lunch. "I made you a sandwich." A blue Tupperware container was dropped in front of Evan.

"What?" No. No, no. What was Connor doing?

"I made you a sandwich. You don't like the cafeteria food, which is totally understandable, but you still need to eat. So I made you a PB&J. Actually, I made you two. You liked them at my house."

With the strength of 50 men, Evan smiled and opened the container. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that. You're sweet," he said, leaning over and giving him a peck on the lips.

"Of course! Can't have my boyfriend starve," Connor said, grinning and pulling out his own sandwich.

Every bite was another loss. Why was Connor doing this? Didn't he want Evan to be skinnier? That's why Evan was doing this, he was doing all of this for Connor. He had been watching what he ate like a hawk for the last 3 weeks for Connor. For them. For their relationship.

Yesterday, he had weighed in at 131.7lbs. He was just a few pounds away from officially being underweight. It's not like Evan could just settle for underweight, though. He wouldn't stop until he was 120lbs, to make sure that he stayed underweight. And he wouldn't get that way by eating PB&J's.

"Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom. I'll meet you in APUSH, okay?" Evan said when lunch dismissed, standing up unsteadily. His vision swam for a second, before he shook it off.

"You okay?" Connor asked, watching him. Evan swayed and then straightened.

"Yep. Be back in a second, babe," he called, weaving in between the students. Once he was out of Connor's sight, he sped up towards the bathrooms.

Once he was safely in a stall, he locked the door and listened to make sure no one was in here. No feet. No sounds. The coast was clear.

Dropping his backpack on the gross floor, Evan bent over the toilet and paused. Was he about to do this? For what? To lose a little bit of weight?

Yeah, he thought, I am.

Quickly, before he could chicken out, Evan hooked two fingers and shoved them down his throat. Panic clouded his brain and he choked.

Retching noises echoed in the bathroom but nothing came out. He tried again, curling his fingers and soldiering through the feeling.

After a moment, finally, Evan coughed and hurled into the toilet. Tears pricked his eyes. There was more. He needed to get it all out.

15 minutes later, he walked into APUSH late and avoided Connor's eyes. He was doing this for them, anyways.

127.6lbs. He had lost 15 pounds in a little over a month. He was officially underweight. He was so, so close to his goal. It would turn summer soon, and he could wear his swim trunks and be proud of how he looked.

But when Evan looked in the mirror, he couldn't help but look at his gut, his arms, his thighs, his calves. There was too much fat. He should be skinnier than this.

All of this work and he still looked gross. He barely ate, barely went a day without going for a run, and couldn't remember what it felt like to not be hungry.

Evan thought that this is probably what the universe felt like before everything was created. Not that he was calling himself a great expansion of nothingness, though 'nothing' is a fairly accurate word to describe him with.

But, much like the universe pre-Big Bang, he too felt nothing but empty.

Connor wouldn't like him like this. Connor would break up with him if he didn't start getting serious about this, and fast.

Evan turned away from the mirror, and sighed. It was time to go for a run. A long one. He needed it.

"You hungry? My mom said she'd order us a pizza, which she literally never does," Connor asked, head upside down on his bed as he looked at Evan.

"Um... sure," he said, tugging at the hem of his shirt. It was fine. He could eat a few slices of pizza. It was necessary to act normal, and he could always just throw it up later.

"C'mon, let's go tell Cynthia to order Papa Johns so she doesn't get Pizza Hut again," Connor sighed, hopping up off of his bed and motioning Evan to join him.

When Evan stood up, the world seemed to stand still. Then it started moving underneath him, like a carnival ride. His vision went foggy and distantly, he could feel his knees hit the floor. A month and a half of starving himself hit him all at once.

"-an? Evan? Baby, are you okay? Please, please answer me? Are you okay?" Connor was asking. Evan blinked, clearing his vision.

They were on the floor, his back pressed against Connor's chest. He could feel how heavily Connor was breathing. "I'm okay."

"Jesus- fuck, Evan. What happened? You started shaking and I thought you were having a fucking seizure," Connor gasped, squeezing Evan like he was trying to escape. Like he'd ever want to leave Connor's arms.

At least, that was how he felt until he realized that Connor was touching him, he could feel how much weight Evan hadn't lost.

"I just stood up too quickly," Evan said, pulling himself out of Connor's lap and tucking his knees up to his chest. Blood roared in his ears. That was too close.

"Evan, you were out for over a minute."

"What?" It had felt like a blink. Not a minute. Was Connor lying? No, he wouldn't.

"You fully passed out. When's the last time you ate?" Connor asked, innocently, unaware that the question hit Evan like a flatbed truck.

The honest answer was two apples the day before for breakfast. "I had breakfast this morning," Evan lied. He wasn't a liar. He just needed to protect Connor.

"Did you?"

Why was Connor pressing? Didn't he want Evan to lose weight? Didn't he want him to be skinny, to be pretty? "You feel... really thin, Ev."

"I do?" Evan asked, head shooting up. A smile spread across his face. Connor thought he was thin! The tears, the vomiting, the working out, it was working!

"Evan..." Connor didn't look quite as happy, though. His eyebrow pinched together. And just as quickly as it had soared, Evan's heart dropped. Connor was going to break up with him.

"Listen- please, it's just, okay. I know, I know it's not a lot but I'll get there, okay, I promise. I'm so close just, please, please don't do it," Evan begged, squeezing his legs closer to his chest like they could protect him from the inevitable.

"Don't do what? What are you talking about?" Connor asked. If he was going to make him say it out loud, then so be it.

"Please don't break up with me..." Evan whimpered. He couldn't bring himself to look at Connor. No doubt he was disgusted with how pathetic he looked right now. If anything, he was more likely to break to with him than ever.

"Break... what? You think I'm going to break up with you?" Connor asked.

"Well..." Evan trailed off, sniffing. Tears were threatening to fall and he didn't want to be even more of a mess then they both knew he was. "Yeah."

"What? Why would I break up with you? I love you! So much! I- I know I don't say it often enough but if you're unhappy with me-"

"No! No, it's not you. God, it couldn't be you. I just thought you wouldn't be able to stand it for much longer," Evan confessed, peaking up over his knees. To his confusion, he was met with a look of horror on Connor's face.

"Stand what?" he asked. Evan couldn't tell if it was mercy or sadism that was driving Connor to act confused, like he didn't know exactly what was wrong with Evan.

"Everything about me. How annoying I am, how ugly I am, how stupid I am, how fat I am, how-"

"What? Woah, what the fuck?" Evan couldn't bring himself to look at Connor anymore. His memories of his first heartbreak would be staring at the carpet in a bedroom that wasn't his.

Silence lay across the room, heavy and suffocating and Evan wanted to scream and cry and crawl to Connor for comfort but he can't. He's not allowed to do that anymore, not since they're basically broken up.

"Evan..." Connor whispered. His voice is soft and gentle, heartbroken, but Evan flinched like he screamed. "You're not any of those things. Not even close. Have you... have you been starving yourself?”

"Um, yeah." Did Connor not know? Did Connor not notice how he'd been losing weight and getting skinnier?

"Why?" The words came out in a shudder.

"I wanted to be skinnier for you... I wanted you to like me," Evan admitted. His head snapped up at the ensuing gasp.

To his horror, Connor's face was red and tears were streaming down. He looked heart broken. "Ev, no. No..." With little warning, Connor lunged forward and held Evan close, unable to contain the sobs that had been building when he felt just how frail Evan was. "Evan, I like you. I love you. You don't need to starve yourself to prove it."

"Well, I just, uh, I just thought you might like me more if I was skinnier," Evan said. If he was skinny enough, Connor would overlook the rest of his general Evan-ness.

"No. Babe, no." Evan could feel Connor bury his face in his hair, and Evan held him tight. Maybe he wouldn't get broken up with. Maybe they would be okay.

"I just wanted to be better for you. I'm sorry," Evan apologized, the tears finally falling. Tears turned into sobs, and his small body shook. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

"Please, don't be sorry. It's okay. You're sick. I love you. You're beautiful. You always were."

Evan couldn't bring himself to believe Connor. At least yet. Maybe, one day, he'd be able look in the mirror and smile. Without thought of what he would one day look like. Just acceptance of what he was now.

"Thank you," he whispered into Connor's chest, receiving a squeeze in return.

"Any time. Do you think you can eat?" Connor asked, kissing him on the top of his head.

"I can try.”

"That's all you need to do."

#treebros #dear evan hansen #oneshot #connor murphy #evan hansen #connor x evan #dear evan hansen oneshot

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