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glitterrhowell · 5 years

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Chapter 6

Title: Colors in Disguise

Pairing: Daniel Howell & AmazingPhil (Phan

Word count: 1000 words

Warning/Genre: eating disorder / food addiction / implied self harm / Anorexia /BED/ Binge Eating Disorder

Summary: Dan Howell has struggled with Binge Eating Disorder and food addiction his entire life but after he met Phil, he went into remission. After several years, Dan relapses and he slowly starts spiraling out of control yet again. Will he be able to get the help he needs, or will he fall victim to its vicious cycle?

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Dan had been keeping good on his promise to himself he hadn’t been eating as much and he had gotten a handle on his snacking in general. In fact, he didn’t eat much these days. He spent most of his time in bed sleeping. He hadn't posted a video in over three months and with the gaming channel on hiatus people were starting to notice his lack of content but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He’d occasionally tweet something to let everyone know he was still alive but other than that he was pretty silent on the internet. Phil had been a saint taking care of him and taking care of their business stuff, he’d taken on the full workload. He hated doing it to him but he couldn’t help it he was terrified of going out of control again like the weekend he had when Phil had left so he hardly eat but that didn’t mean he didn’t think about food. So to keep his mind off the food he slept. Sleep was the only thing that kept the thoughts away and the only thing recently.

It was one of those rare days he did manage to pull himself out of bed. He made his way to the lounge. Spotting Phil sitting on the sofa he decided to plop down next to him.

“Hi, love!” Phil said turning his attention away from his laptop. “It’s good to see you out of bed.” He said smiling brightly.

It hurt Dan's heart how happy Phil looked.

“Yeah, I’m feeling a little better.” he lied.

“That’s good!”

Phil look so genuinely relieved and happy Dan wonders how long he had been worried about him.

~~~

The next few days Dan tried his hardest to stay out of bed and act as normal as possible. He helped out around the flat cleaning up and they watched some animes together and all and all Dan did enjoy himself but that hungry in the back of his mind was still there.

Dan currently sat in his sofa crease browsing Tumblr on his laptop trying to ignore the constant rumbling of his stomach.

“Hey, I’m going out to meet Martyn and Cornelia for lunch,” Phil said walking into the lounge.

“Oh ok,” he said trying to hide the hurt of not being invited from his voice. But just seconds later his stomach gave a loud grumble and he was now thankful he hadn’t been invited.

“I’ll be home in a few hours alright love,” Phil said planting a kiss on his forehead.

“Alright,” he mumbled.

“Maybe we can have a movie night tonight when I get home?” Phil asked almost hopefully.

Dan perked up at the idea, “Yeah that sounds really nice.”

“Ok then while I’m gone can you answer some of the emails we have? They’ve been piling up and really need answering.“ Phil chuckled.

“Consider it done,” Dan said, with excitement in his voice.

“Alright love you,” Phil said before turning and leaving.

“Love you too,” Dan called after him.

~~~~

After Phil left Dan procrastinated doing what Phil had asked of him but how many emails could there be to answer anyway. So about an hour after Phil left he decided he should probably get to it but first he had to use the bathroom.

When he stood up he felt like he was going to be sick and he would have run for the bathroom if it wasn’t for the fact that he felt extremely dizzy and lightheaded as well. He rocked back and forth on his feet trying to regain his balance and wait for the room to stop spinning but that didn’t happen instead everything just went black.

~~~~~

“Phil, are you sure your alright?” Martyn asked him for probably the tenth time.

“I’m fine I’ve just haven’t been sleeping all that well.” he lied.

Well technically it wasn’t a lie, he hadn’t been sleeping well because he had been worried about Dan. Dan had been sleeping a lot recently and Phil worried he was going through a really bad rough spot. And he didn’t know how to help. The only thing he could do was keep working, so he continued to make videos made sure both their shops had merchandise and all their business stuff was up to date. But he hated to admit it but it had become quite a bit taking all that on himself. It seemed like all he ever did was work and worry about Dan the last few weeks and it was really taking a toll on him, which is why when Martyn had invited him out for lunch he had accepted almost instantly.

“Earth to Phil.”

Phil was snapped out of his thoughts as his brother waved a hand in front of his face.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

They continued their lunch avoiding the topic altogether.

~~~~~~

The flat was quit when Phil got home, he set his keys down on the counter and walked into the lounge. Dan was curled up on the sofa snoring softly. The sight would have been precious if Phil hadn’t been so concerned with him sleeping so much lately.

“Dan. Dan wake up.” Phil softly shook his shoulder.

“Wat?” he slurred still half asleep.

“You fell asleep on the sofa, come on let's get you to bed.”

Phil helped the younger man up and helped him walk to the bedroom. Phil stripped him of all his clothes except his boxers and put him to bed. He pulled the covers up to Dans chin and bent down giving him a gentle kiss on the cheek before walking out of the dark room.

~~~~~~~~

Dan woke a few hours later he rolled over trying to remember how he had gotten to bed in the first place. But his thoughts were interrupted by a hushed voice coming from the next room. Curious he tiptoed out of the room and down the hall the office where the voice was coming from. The door was shut but inside he could hear Phil talking in a hushed voice.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Silence; he must be on the phone.

“Mum I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

Dan’s heart sank in his chest not staying to hear the rest of the conversation he turned around and left.

Once back in the bedroom he paced back and forth. This was it wasn't it Phil was going to finally leave him. After all these years he’d finally realized what a fuck up he was.

He threw on some clothes and grabbed his keys and left the flat not even stopping to tell Phil he was leaving.

Not even knowing where he was going he just walked he probably walked for hours because by the time he finally stopped it was pitch black outside and hardly anyone on the streets. He looked around; he had no idea where he was.

His he was so weak from hunger that he was surprised when his stomach rumbled,

“Oh fuck off, will you,” he mumbled to himself.

He shivered realizing now that he hadn’t grabbed a jacket before he’d left.

He looked around hoping to find a place he could go in and warm up at when he spotted this small 24-hour diner across the street. Just a coffee he promised himself crossing the street.

The bell chimed when he opened the door and nice older lady behind the counter motioned around and said, “Sit anywhere you like love.”

“Thanks,” he said as he chose a both close to the back of the restaurant.

The restaurant was deserted except for him so it didn’t take more than a minute for the women to come up to him with a menu, “Would you like to hear the specials?”

“No thank you, just coffee please.” he smiled.

He stomach growled embarrassingly loud.

“Are you sure there love?” she chuckled.

What the hell Phil was leaving him anyway. He took the menu from her and ordered the first thing he saw. A burger with a side of chips.

“I’ll be back out with your coffee.” she smiled and took his order back to the chef.

His hands shook with anticipation he hadn’t had any proper food in probably three days.

After about a fifteen minute wait for the waitresses brought over his food and set it down in front of him.

“If you need anything else just let me know dear,” she said walking off.

Dan was literally drooling it looked and smelled so delicious.

The first bit could be described as heavenly, the flow of the juices mixing together in his mouth and all the different flavors were absolutely divine. But after that first bite, he didn’t taste much of anything else as he scarfed down the rest of it in several big bits. Next were the chips, those were harder to eat all at once since there were many but somehow he managed. And before he knew what he was doing he had the waitress back over ordering more food.

He left the diner over two hours later in shame having consumed two more burgers and three pieces of pie all by himself. He had been absolutely horrified when he’d come out of his binge haze. Stuffed to the brim with plates spread out all around him on the table. Luckily the waitress hadn’t said anything to him, she’s made some joke that he must have been hungry but Dan had seen in her eyes that she had been disgusted with him. And who wouldn’t be, who eats that amount of food in one sitting its gross he thought to himself.

Dan was so ashamed and disgusted with himself he couldn’t face going home yet, besides he wasn’t sure if there was going to be anything to go home to. He started walking again slower this time because he was uncomfortably full when he came upon another little restaurant. It was like his brain was going crazy, he wasn’t physically hungry but he craved that feeling he felt when he eats. The way his brain would completely fog over forgetting about all his problems, just the pure happiness it made him feel. Without even second-guessing himself he went into the restaurant.

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