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cerastes · 4 months

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Hey how come you making flippant comments in regards to your own self-improvement fetish is so enlightening in regards to mental health things is this the whole 'professional' thing at work.

I would like to think so! When we think of "psychology", most people might have a very Freudian image of it: A therapist solemnly but very comprehensively taking notes as a patient lies on a couch and spills their guts, only interjecting once or twice in the hour-long session and then charging you. Psychoanalysis, the Freudian technique, I don't think it's useless, but it's definitely just one of a myriad of techniques and methods with which to carry out therapy (and one I myself am trained in and do not like). I myself am more of systems theory of psychology kind of guy (Humberto Maturana, Ludwig von Bertalanffy, Gregory Bateson, among others), and systems has a very input-output sort of view (if you want to learn more, you can also look up second order cybernetics and radical constructivism).

Where I am going with all of this is that if it may seem like I'm making flippant comments, then that means I've synthetized my own self-care mind palace to such a degree that it has simply become part of my discourse, my lingo, my poise, if you will, but that in itself took a lot of introspective work in a way that was tangible to me, or in other words, in a way that my brain accepted it. Ultimately, it's the role of the psychologist to lead one to something rather than to reveal any sort of secret to wellness. Using myself as an example, as someone that had suicidal depression at one point, being told to "think positively" didn't do a damn thing, because if it was that easy, then depression wouldn't exist. Instead, I more or less had to trick my own brain into giving it reasons as to why it should think positively, because it makes sense to do so, and in the same vein, I had to give it reasons as to why thinking negatively was dumb. Because that sort of logic works with me. So it's less "hey, think nice things :)" and more "okay but does it have to be like this? Does everyone else have this crushing sadness as their normal as well? I don't think so, so maybe what I'm feeling isn't normal. Why am I thinking that way? What do they have that I don't? Oh, thing A and thing B, yeah, makes sense, and do I want these things? Mmm thing A doesn't really matter to me, but thing B, I'm loathe to admit, is something I desire, how about I work towards having thing B for now as a goal and then see if that is good enough or at least improves my mental state? Are things really as hopeless as I think they are and am I enlightened by my grim outlook? Probably not, so why am I hopeless and why are they not? There's something I don't have or don't know, let's see what that is, and put these shit thoughts on hold until I can ascertain these things". This is a summarized version, of course, but you know what I mean.

But where I'm going with this (again) is that once you grab onto your own internal logic (which is where the introspective work leads to!) and know what makes you click and how your own metrics and parameters of motivation work, it becomes much much easier to have a healthy mental state and keep it healthy. This, in my opinion, should be the long term objective of any good therapy: To at least start your user (I don't really use the term "patient") on this road. I'm making it sounds all sunshine and rainbows, but introspective work worth having does entail having to look at the uglier parts of yourself and acknowledging them, hence why not a lot of people see it through. It takes commitment and guts because you very much do reach a point where you need to look at these things that are awful and be like "yes, this, too, is me" before you can start going into how to turn these into advantageous things instead.

Likewise, the therapy I do tends to have this as goal: Let's work this shit together so we can organize it in a way that's easier to handle for starters, and then you can have a very good grip on the reins of what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad, and so can easily dispel the brain fog by simply consulting your inner blueprint. Each user is a whole different journey, and it's part of what makes psychology such a beautiful field.

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aloysiavirgata · 3 months

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Hi there!

May I ask a few writing questions (which, might sound like I’m actually trying to demand more Henry fics, but I swear are genuine questions, although I would always welcome more Henry fic):

(1) Creatively, what inspires you to create a universe with full storylines from beginning to end (like, say, the Dryad fics, or Waters of Babylon/Petrichor/Singing of Mount Abora VERSUS creating a universe (like with the Henry universe) and keeping it to out-of-order ficlets? Is it the different categories that inspire you differently (Dryad is family fic, Waters of Babylon through Abora are UST to RST, Henry are Scully/Other)? Is it because of the labor involved?

(2) In stories like the Henry stories, do you have a timeline set in your mind of where each ficlet takes place, or do you write without a timeline in your mind? Is it easier or harder to write without a timeline in mind? I have a Master document where I try and place your ficlets (both Henry and non-Henry) where they might sort of fit based on the details you provide but there are some where I just don’t know and just organize them by dates of publication, but it kills me when I don’t know what YOU, the author, intended when it’s your universe/your mind I’m eagerly entering and it made me wonder how/if dates/eras/season timelines, etc ever float around in your mind? Or, the decision-making process for why to sometimes include them, and sometimes not.

(3) For people like you and the Penumbras, Prufrock’sLoves, of the world, etc — you’re clearly gifted at writing, and I assume writing is an outlet of a sort for you. How do you contain that, or give that gift an outlet, during periods where you step away from the fandom and not write for months/years? I ask this as someone who does not have a gift or anything I’m especially good at (which is fine! I lead a full life regardless). I mean, take Henry! The Henry universe haunts me (in good ways, of course). At any given time. During a meeting at work, or while shopping for something that triggers XF thoughts and then I wonder about whether Scully and Henry finally parted ways on the best of terms so that Scully and Mulder can get back to making love inside a car in the rain guilt-free. (haha) And this universe isn’t real! And I didn’t write it! And… it still takes up time sometimes in my head. Wouldn’t this haunting be multiplied in yours since you’ve created all these universes? Are they always in the background of your mind? Do you compartmentalize them? Do you know the ending of the Henry universe, etc?

Basically, what happens in the mind of creative people? How does your brain function?

Weird, super big question, I know, but MAN, I will forever be sorry I missed the ATXC days, or the Livejournal days where I can dig up author postings where they provide more details about their stories/processes.

I just have so many questions for you guys!

Thank you for alllllll you do for the fandom.

First of all, thank you so much for this ask. It still blows my mind that people receive happiness from a hobby that brings me so much joy and relaxation.

I miss the ATXC days as well, and especially LiveJournal. The PornBattles on LJ, ironically, taught me to write.

1 - It’s really hard to say. A lot of my fic is inspired by gaps or frustrations created by 1013. On the one hand Mulder and Scully are these deeply complex people with nuanced backstories and on the other hand…??? David’s wedding ring stunt or Gillian giving Scully an affair with a married professor. Dryad came from a frustrated place that is due in part to Chris seeming to think that you can either be a parent or a complex individual. Plus it was fun to write that autopsy.

Henry was created by an ask that I loved because Scully DOES deserve better but also I want her with Mulder and I wanted to explore that conflict and make a reader feel it.

2 - Oh my gosh that is an amazing compliment! I don’t really have a solid timeline, I’m afraid. I am truly, truly absolutely shit at the WIP life. 🙃.

3 - I remain blown away by this praise. My career shift has allowed me to have a lot more creativity, though not writing per se. Writing is my favorite thing to do. I am a scientist at heart and I love cooking and baking and animals and fashion and home decor but I am most myself when I am writing. I’m usually thinking about writing, even when I’m not actively doing it. And I confess sometimes it is very strange he to be a Serious Adult with a Serious Job who is also running an internal monologue like “would uni-era Mulder thing vagina or cunt or pussy or some secret fourth thing?”

How does it end with Henry? She stays with him. Of course she stays.

Thank you, kind and sweet anon. You are a gem.

#inbox

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tiredflowercrown · 8 months

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Rant under the cut

Pls don't reblog

I'm am so sick and tired of being this exhausted and fatigued. Because one week I will feel perfectly fine and like I'm on the other side of the hill. Then the next I feel like I can barely move or eat or do any of the things to help stay alive. I am constantly fighting a battle with my mind and how I interact with food, which sucks because i don't even have a term to use for it cause it's not an ed, the term better used is disordered eating. But how do you explain that to people. My parents don't get it because they are the same way and see nothing wrong with it. This past week I've been forcing myself to eat just for my meds to work properly. All I'm eating is fucking applesauce and cheerios, and I'm having to force that down. It's the worse because I feel hungry and have the urge to eat, I just can't. Everything is bad and things that might be good are contaminated and icky and moldy. Even if I know that they probably aren't. Every time I try to describe this my parents keep saying well its your brain you control it. Like no shit it's my brain. However, my brain can and has, in fact, made me throw up because it didn't like the food I ate. Just about every calorie I have in a day comes from soda. THATS NOT GOOD. Especially when I forget to brush my teeth just about everyday. And I know snice drinking is easier that I should get protein shakes or something but the idea of new is so terrifying that I can't do it. I know that there's powders you can add to food to get more nutrients, but again I can't add them. If someone else were to add them then tell me later that would be fine and then maybe I could do it on my own. But my parents insist that I have to do stuff like this on my own because I shouldn't burden people with that responsibility. I know I'm probly malnourished of some sort, but getting the testing to find out is both scary and expensive. I'm already about to try and see if there's a medical reason outside of my mental illness for my forgetfulness. I can't afford to many medical bills rn and neither can my family. They're saving for trips for my grandma because it's probly the last trips she'll take. I've had to fight so hard to get the diagnosis that I have. And my mom is so sure it's one thing but it doesn't match my symptoms and it could still be a problem with that organ but I don't want to go through several rounds of testing. I also am not sure if I even want there to be something wrong with me because knowing that and too what length it affects me could restrict how I can work or go to school. Just ugh. Wish I hadn't been born in a screwed up body.

#tw ed rant #tw medical #tw mental health #tw america healthcare

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windblume · 9 months

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nothing has ever want to make me read a manga more than your posts abt inochi

looks at your posts with interest and curiosity

GRIPS YOUR SHOULDERS. I WILL TELL YOU SO MUCH ABOUT INOCHI. I AM MAKING A LIST OF GENERAL FACTS UNDER THE READ MORE.

- inochi is not his real name! his name is Tobi Otogiri, which means flying plant. i call him inochi because before he officially got a name, the community called him inochi-kun!!

- hes 17 years old

- his older brother, Seki Otogiri, disappeared in the past. unknown if he is dead or alive, but hes probably dead.

- his main goal is to find Hitotsume, for reasons unknown

- he attended middle school in the past. hes not implied to have gone to high school, as far as i know (could be wrong!)

- he didnt have a roommate at the facility he lived in. no one wanted to live with him, because they thought he was talking to himself. he wasn’t! he talks to his bag, who is named Baku (like backpack)

- inochi often tries to smoke because his older brother used to smoke and it’s something that makes him remember his brother. baku always takes the cigarette from him before he can and gets rid of it

- he was a rebellious middle schooler, often getting into trouble for jumping the gates and climbing up pipes to sit on top of the roof

- he had no friends until a girl named Shiratama asked if they could be friends. she approached him because she could hear baku’s voice, who only inochi could hear

- he had a small monthly allowance from the facility, but it was hardly anything. it was around 40 dollars, if i remember correctly. thus, he never had any money to eat out, buy snacks, etc. because most of his allowance was spent on train fare

- now in modern day, he works for an organization called Agents. they work to exterminate shadows and keep people safe. inochi is one of their best units, both in terms of combat capability and general knowledge of shadows.

- shadows are essentially corrupted forms of your heart. a heart has a form, and when the person goes through extreme anguish or sadness or etc, their heart’s form can become corrupted

- people can have their shadows eat other shadows for personal gain. it can make their shadow stronger, which can be used for violence and shit. but inochi has baku eat shadows not for personal gain, but to save the person the shadow is connected to. when a shadow becomes corrupted, it can lead to Heart Desolation, where the shadow user falls into a death-like state. inochi has baki eat shadows to save people from this

- his two main coworkers are Monika and Mai. mai is his boss. she manages a unit of agent workers. she also works to keep inochi out of trouble because the higher ups often get mad at his methods. monika is the watchman. she works in a room full of computers and monitors, and essentially has eyes everywhere around tokyo. mai gives inochi his assignments and monika helps inochi find what hes looking for

- inochi pierced his own left ear. two helix piercings. he is used to pain, which is why he was able to do this

- inochi keeps as much of his body covered as possible to help with defensiveness. he wears fingerless gloves to punch people easier, but still use his fingers to grab things

- in general, his fighting style is reliant on improvising and hand-to-hand combat. he does not carry weapons and doesn’t even know how to shoot a gun

- he took in a small girl named Ryuuko, who stepped out from the dead body of her dragon form. inochi really loves her and considers her his little sister. he always puts himself into danger just so he can protect her from a single scratch

- his current assignment from agents is to protect Rei Tsukumo. rei is a 15 year old boy who has a special form of his heart. hes being hunted down by the antagonist because his heart’s form is unique.

- inochi protects rei very well, all things considered. he sleeps inside reis house to make sure hes safe, and walks him to school. he calls rei whenever he gets worried. he wants to help rei return to his regular life, before he started seeing shadows and getting attacked by bad guys

- he initially only started working with rei because rei encountered hitotsume, who again, inochi wants to find. he disliked rei at first, but grew to care for him over time

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felizusnavidad · 3 months

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Ha! A nickname? Cute idea! From now on, I'll end my message with the daisy emoji since that's my middle name and use pops of green in the message.

It absolutely does feel good to be told that! Not to get too side-tracked, but I actually took a break last summer from the boutique because I got a job offer at a startup cosmetics store. I realized pretty quick that that industry wasn't for me lol. It's a great company and I love all the brands as well as products the company carries, though! When I broke the news to my parents, instead of being supportive and saying the things like you said, they just got onto me and was like "Do you even have a job lined up?" and "Why?" Another reason was my mental health was declining, which shocked me, and I now know that one reason was because we had to wear solid black. I love dressing up! Anyways, I swear they just made me feel bad about quitting, but I still did two weeks left because I wanted to (and did) end on good terms with my manager and the company. Irrelevant fun fact: She was actually my manager for this boutique at another location closer to my city in 2022 after I transferred there in March! All of that is a different story lol.

AANNYYWAYSSSS,

I called the manager I used to work with at this boutique in the city we both started in together in 2021, asking if she still needed an assistant manager, and she did, so I went back there in September last year. I love the company and everyone I've worked with from 2021 up to now, but, like I said, it's just boring for me (especially since because I love the arts and creativity) and there's not growth beyond assistant manager. I can become a manager, but there's no telling when that would be. And to be honest, I don't want to wait around any longer to find out. For good. Moving out will change my life and most definitely make me happier. I was on my own in college (I hated where I went!) for 4 years and I LOVED it. I loved and now miss being independent. I am both and introvert and extrovert lol. I want to have holiday parties at my own place!! I'm open to moving to a new city New York or Los Angeles, or even Paris or France (especially considering my bachelor's degree and now master's).

Once again, you're amazing, and thank you so much!! And yes, this will be our year!! I'll keep you posted!!

~🌼

great! so from now on i'll be using a special tag for your asks, so it's easier for you to find my answers (i'm not posting much these days anyway but still i like to keep things organized here 🤭). daisy anon it is! (cute btw!)

see, this is the thing about parents: i feel like they don't really care about your happiness as much as they do about you just doing things right... (not ALL parents, i'm sure some are actually supportive, but i get it cause my mom is the same kind of person lol). it may look like they are trying to force you to do all the things you don't want to do & they think they know exactly what is best for you, when in reality they know shit. i've always felt like the biggest failure because i refused to do exactly what my mom wanted for me (this is the main reason why i moved to the other side of the country lol). it's good that you tried something else tho, at least you know now that it's definitely not for you! but i suggest moving out as quickly as you can, you don't need anyone to tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself.

like i said before, it's amazing that you want to aim higher. you know exactly what you want from life & you're working very hard to get it. also, i think maybe moving out to a different city would actually help you find a decent job? honestly, living in new york sounds like a dream... (i've never been there but i'm dying to go visit one day). paris on the other hand? one of the most beautiful places on earth. if i were you & i had this opportunity to move there, i wouldn't even have to think twice! like i said before, sometimes you have to take that risk. no one says it's gonna be easy, but damn it might be worth it, you'll never find out if you don't try!

& ngl, your stories are actually very inspiring for me & i started thinking about my life and what i can do to change it & just... simply find my happiness. much to think about.

#i don't know #there is something very therapeutic in it #knowing that we are all struggling with something but we are not alone #& we should constantly inspire each other to do better #idk #does it even make any sense? it does in my head #daisy anon #i saved every letter you wrote me*

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bellshazes · 9 months

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peter today I've been arguing on twitter and clearly it's a sign I'm not meeting my needs in terms of meaningful engagement in making the world a better place. I applied to get training as a peer support worker, but if I don't get accepted do you have any other suggestions? [preferably something that can lead to work as opposed to only volunteering, bc tuition obvs doesn't pay itself]

-self actualization anon andy

holy shit best of luck I am rooting for you so hard!!!!!! Peer support specialists are some of the best people on earth, seriously, I have never met one I didn't love with every cell in my body.

With looming layoffs at my company I've been thinking about other jobs a lot and I fell into mine accidentally. I went from restaurant manager to home & auto insurance and got lucky with that, and then looked for admin positions and got one with an insurance plan that I only understood served foster youth after getting hired. When I was a restaurant manager I wrote about local arts things on the side to keep me alive, and that writing helped get the auto insurance job. It didn't help pay bills, but it made life livable.

I think there's a lot of good a social worker can do but you could not pay me any amount of money on earth to get an advanced degree in it and not even just because of your point about tuition. A lot might depend on where you live - in my state (Kentucky) I might recommend the Family and Youth Resource Centers (FRYSCies) or community based organizations like The Book Works or KY-SPIN that do educational advocacy and offer peer support-adjacent services that don't require PSS cert. Managed care is my field, and it's not the most stable but something like a Community Health Worker might give you some useful searches whether it's with insurance or not. Centers for Independent Living can vary in name and quality, but if youre US your state will have some. I wish I had more jobs I knew were meaningful or how to get into them.

And I don't know if it's relevant but... I didn't feel like a real adult until I was 27, and I'm only 29 now. I can't believe I used to just cold email people to interview them about the arts in my community - I was so desperate at 23, 25. I cooked potluck dinners every week for friends for a few years, even if it didn't matter what we ate. But I think my biggest strength is finding something in my job to care about impacting people - my ch*potle regulars, one of whom is still a good friend and also was a PSS briefly; my home customers who I could explain things to, help them understand their policies; supporting my direct care co-workers, finding ways to make their jobs a tiny bit easier. When you are hungry for connection it is so hard to stay hungry, but the older I get the more firmly I believe that every little thing you do to make a difference for somebody matters.

I may not know you, but if you're looking for meaningful work in places like PSS certifications, I bet you have it in you to find ways of making that difference. And you never run out of chances, even if you're twice my age you still have years to go to keep making a meaningful difference. I hope this doesn't come across as trite, because it's what I lean on when I feel like nothing I do matters, which has been about half the time lately. If you have people you care about, let them take care of you too; if you feel like you don't have that and are isolated, it may not be much but I am rooting for you. I mean that. Happy to share my discord as well, if you ever wanna connect directly - I also could probably swing some more specific recs for some US states. But keep me updated anyway, my friend. Dreaming bigger is more than half the battle.

#i read half this ask and LEAPT out of bed it rejuvenated me so much 💕💕💕#seriously anyone going for PSS has a place in my heart. so much love to you #work woes #long post #peter answers

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cosmictulips · 10 months

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Helooooo Miss Tulips 💙 How are you? Just checking in^^

Helllooo Friennddd =D

I know it's been a minute haha. I love hearing from you ;o;

I've been doing a lot of healing. Like I say that a lot but it's true haha. I've been addressing some smaller things more. Like how I react to certain situations, how to use... certain words more appropriately and honestly, I've just been learning to deal with my anger in a better way.

A lot of people at work have told me I've changed a lot in the past few months. so I'm glad that people have been noticing all of the work I've been doing -for honestly, the past three years-.

I've also been doing just a lot of... learning. Like literally for classes but also just in terms of what I see in terms of spirituality. I ended up taking a class on Legends and Myths and I learned a lot through those stories and got closer to Hermes and Athena through it.

Started working with Poseidon! and that's been fun. He's very loving, and very receptive towards my energy. but I'm also a slut for the ocean so I'm really not surprised that we've connected so well.

I haven't forgotten about this blog. I've still been doing tarot readings outside of here. most of it has been on tiktok, but legit, I do want to offer free readings again and just let yall submit whatever you want in the inbox but there's going to have to be some harsh limits.

That being said also, I've learned so much about myself in regards to scheduling, managing and how I keep myself organized. For example, I work best with a weekly planner, four colors only, and if I set everything up a day in advance instead of a week in advance. like, obviously for school assignments, to keep them on the deadlines and as far out as I can. but for everything else, it's easier and better for me to take it by day.

Uhm... yea, Idk. I've been doing more puzzles too, and catching up on some podcasts. Been playing the new Minecraft Update as well =D

and today I'm traveling with a friend to get her new cat. =D

I've also been writing a lot for my novel! It's been coming together really well.

also the internet here has been utter shit and it's been making me hella annoyed to do anything lol

How have you been? :)

#honestly this is also a good update for everyone!#updates haha

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what-once-was-eemaartz · 2 years

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I remember once that you have Talon OCs. Can you maybe tell me all about them (names, backstory, abilities, teams that are affiliated with, hobbies, some quirky things about them,etc)?

Just curious

No one:

Me when I get an ask: *absolutely buck wild*

Also it’s about the idiots (affectionate) so even better!!!

Our main is one utter fool by the name of Chase Nathaniel Whitney. (Nathaniel to honor my partner’s favorite canon Talon) Here he is:

He (like all Talons) was taken from the circus by the Court as a kid. He was eight when he was taken. He passed his trials at eighteen, but ended up dying after the fight with his mentor, and so was brought back using the electrum then.

He’s the youngest of my OCs, at 28 as of the start of the story. (The story spans a long period, so the ages change throughout)

He’s rather impulsive, but the Court liked him for his acrobatic tendencies as a kid, and he somehow managed not to piss them off too severely before the story really kicked off.

He’s an aerialist, specifically the silks. He usually ties his hair back to keep it out of his way, but since this drawing was a ref I left it down to show the length. He gets cold really easily (which is something I headcanon for all talons- they don’t like the cold because it reminds them of the freezing chambers too much)

He’s an anxious wreck most of the time, and tends towards depression. (Spending twenty years of your life as a glorified slave to an evil organization will do that)

He’s pan, but doesn’t understand the concept of sexualities at the start of the story, because he was eight when he got taken. He just assumes everyone is looking at every hot person’s ass regardless of gender.

He is the exact opposite of well adjusted.

Next up! Love interest. His name is Matthias Lynn Carter.

He had a SHIT childhood- grew up in an abusive, Catholic household and ran away to the circus when he was ten. He lived at the circus with a group of friends (notably including John and Mary Grayson, tho they weren’t married at that point.) That’s not super relevant to the story because they’re dead and nothing ever comes of it, I just thought it was a fun little detail.

He did contortion and sleight of hand while he was with the circus, and the Court took him when he was fifteen. Took is rather a strong word, though, as he went willingly (you could even say enthusiastically) because the Court gave him a false promise of “being a hero” and “helping people.”

His exact age is kinda iffy, especially since he’s been frozen a good portion of the time, but he’s about forty-four at the start of the story. He died as a Talon when he was twenty-five, from falling off the top of a building. It should have killed him, and if it weren’t for the Court killing him as soon as they found him and bringing him back with the electrum, he would be mostly- if not completely- paralyzed from the waist down because of it.

As a Talon the Court mostly had him doing things that required more subtlety and less “scary guy in assassin costume,” such as escorting Court members to events and acting as a guard for them. He’s good at blending in, and the fact that he’s darker skinned than most Talons (by nature of having been darker skinned in the first place) makes the telltale black veins much subtler and easier to cover with makeup.

He was also a very good Talon for tracking targets over a longer term, because he was good at tracking, and blending in allowed him to do that more easily.

He has ADHD, as well as some tendencies towards anxiety, though not nearly as bad as Chase.

He’s creative, and he especially enjoys music. He plays the guitar and sings. He’s also a hopeless flirt, and he’s a little cocky, especially at the start of the story.

Impressively, he is actually pretty well adjusted.

Last, but certainly not the least of the protagonists, is Elijah Alexander Cross. His role is well summed up as “Dad man” despite the fact that he is nobody’s actual dad.

(He gets a full illustration because I always forget to draw the veins, but I actually added them here, vs the others where I literally had to edit the refs while making this post) (also I’m pretty sure the sweater he’s wearing in this drawing and the one in Chase’s ref are the same. Chase is a clothes thief)

Honestly I could make like a three part series of posts about his backstory, but we’ll keep to brief for the sake of this. You are always welcome to send more specific asks, as these characters are my love and my obsession and I will talk my heart out about them if only given the opportunity.

Elijah’s 150 years old, give or take. He was taken by the Court at 10. His father was a strongman in the circus. He’s religious, but not the “use it to justify bigotry” variety. Unspecified, but it’s Christian of some sort. Based on his family’s values as I’ve written them, they might actually be Quaker.

He was raised to be a pacifist, and did not cope well with having to kill for the Court. He spent most of his twenties, all of his thirties, and his forties until he died as an alcoholic, because he drank to cope. After he died he was forced into sobriety, because the electrum made him unable to get drunk at all anymore.

He mentored four kids for the Court. One was while he was a drunk and one was in the forties. Those two both survived and later passed their trials. The third kid (Justin) was one he was very close with, but he accidentally killed him during his trials, when Justin had to fight him. The fourth kid is the one he’s mentoring at the start of the actual story.

He likes to read and cook and garden, and he’s a complete and utter nerd.

He’s got a lot of depression and guilt to work through, and he’s autistic.

His parents were Irish immigrants, so he was raised speaking both Irish and English.

As a thank you for reading that long post have some art. The guy Elijah’s almost kissing and is in bed with is not Chase, it’s Chase’s dad, Cody. Feel free to send more asks about these fools, I love to talk about them.

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rustedbread · 1 month

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Please don't read my vents if you have any major triggers, this is probably one of the most emotionally raw out of all of the things I've written, so do, please, read if you want, stop if you need [Long past expired]

You know what I fucking hate? The honest fact that everything, everything, everything, that happened, could have been prevented I know I’m being irrational, erratic, volatile and hateful of the past But if I just tried, a tiny, Fucking, Bit, more, I wouldn’t be this fucking broken BUT I CAN’T

I CAN’T CHANGE SHIT I CAN’T DO, SHIT

AS IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN I CAN DO NOTHING

I WAS ABLE TO DO NOTHING

I COULDN’T EVEN PROPERLY CONVINCE THEM BACK THEN THEY DIDN’T EVEN PROMISE ME TO NOT HARM THEMSELVES, THEY JUST GAVE ME AN EXPIRY DATE I LIKE TO FANTASIZE ABOUT BETTER OUTCOMES, REMINISCE ON WHAT I HAD IT WAS STRIPPED FROM ME TORN OUTLIKE A VITAL ORGAN AND I STAND HERE, ANGRY, BLEEDING OUT YOU THINK I LIKE THIS FEELING?

I DON’T IT’S THE BITTERSWEET I LIKE TO FEEL IT’S THE MEDICINE I SHOULDN’T BE TAKING IT’S A DRUG FORCED LEGAL IT’S COVERED IN DEFORMITIES FROM THE ROT THAT ACHES IN IT OVERTIME, THE SAME THAT INFECTS ME PREVIOUSLY UNTOUCHED RELICS OF TIME THAT CAN’T BE BROUGHT BACK, COVERED AND OVERSHADOWED BY MOLD, ROT, DEFORMITIESAND I DON’T CARE WHAT IT DOES TO ME, I WILL CONSUME IT ALL THE SAME BECAUSE I. NEED. IT. I GREW ATTACHED TO THEM, THEY, ARE THE DRUG THIS ENTIRE TRAGEDY IS ROT WITH THE OVERSHADOWING, THAT THIS COULD ALL HAVE BEEN FIXED, HEALED, SO. MUCH. FUCKING. EASIER. IF THERE WAS A SPEC, OF COMMUNICATION BUT NOW MY FLOOR IS COVERED IN MY OWN WIRES AND NERVES, RIPPED OUT AND TORN, ALL BY MY OWN HANDS

ALL BECAUSE OF YOU

ALL BECAUSE OF THIS

AND I STILL, DON’T CARE

I WILL REPLAY OUR MEMORIES LIKE AN ADDICT

BECAUSE THAT’S JUST WHAT I AM

MY MEMORIES ARE ROTTEN, LONG PAST EXPIRED

TAKING THEM IN AT A LETHAL DOSAGE

GOD I LOVE THIS AFTERTASTE

HOLY HELL, I MISS YOU

HOLY HELL, I MISS OUR FRIENDS

HOLY HELL, I WISH YOU WEREN’T JUST A VESTIGE I’M ANGRY AT THE WORLD

I’M ANGRY AT YOU

I’M ANGRY AT MYSELF

ALL BECAUSE I LOST THE VERY THING I HELD THE HIGHEST

WHICH, WAS, YOU.

I LEFT BECAUSE I WAS SELFISH

BECAUSE I PRIORITIZED MY SURVIVAL

I RECOGNISED THAT IF I KEPT THIS GOING, THAT EVENTUALLY I’D RIP OUT THE LAST BIT OF GREYMATTER

I FUCKING WISH I NEVER DID THAT

I’D RATHER DIE HIGH THAN GO THROUGH THIS

BUT I CAN’T CHANGE SHIT

I CAN’T DO SHIT

I CAN’T CHANGE, ANYTHING

NOT ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED, NOT YOU, NOT ME

NOT ANYTHING

I CAN’T CHANGE, ANYTHING

AND…..

Fuck

Just

God, fucking damn it.

.I know, that I need to come to a proper term, a proper bit of healing, with all of this, because, though my irrationalities, I can’t, keep doing this. I can’t keep looking back I’m going to run into traffic if I do But god, fucking, damn it, I miss it so much. Like a wound I can’t move from, an injury, trauma, I can’t remove It’ll never go away, it’ll just fade.I wish it all never happened. But still, I can’t change shit, can I? Guess I’ll just have to live with that. At least, I’m glad we were friends, for that little bit of time, where you used to illuminate my life, and not seep away at it I’m glad I met you You horrible person I’m glad I met you That one simple agony ago.

#art #limestander95 #vent writing #writing

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magnus-sm-writes · 1 month

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My Writing Journey: Currently

After university, I took a really shitty office job I hated and wrote a lot of angsty poetry. Some of it got accepted. I wrote a short story, “The Ghost You Left Behind”, and it was published in the graveyard zine. I got a lot of tattoos. Like, a lot of tattoos. I got really depressed. I did a lot of worldbuilding for Uuve and began transplanting my D&D characters into it. I visited my partner’s family in Las Vegas. Your typical postgrad shuffle.

2022 was the best year for me in terms of publishing. I actually have not been published in a long time, due to hitting a wall when it came to motivation to seek out publishers. That does not mean that I have not been producing work, though.

Dare I say that 2023 was one of my best writing years yet. I was writing for multiple fantasy projects at once. This was when a lot of them began to take shape. Tsarevna of the Horned Crown, Greenest, Double-Trickery, Of Valor & Honor, and the entirety of my Dragonworld stories began to really bloom. My characters became far more vibrant than I first wrote them as. They seemed to breathe on the page. The bonds they formed with each other felt organic and real. They made problems and solved them.

I worked at Starbucks and let my characters do their thing on the page. Writing fantasy was getting easier every day.

And I was beginning to get really weird with my poetry.

I love a weird poem. Love them. Solar Trauma is one of my favorite chapbooks ever written. Based on one of my favorite movies, The Thing, Solar Trauma actually inspired me to begin writing my own hivemind poetry. And it has been a love affair since then. I have actually submitted a few pieces for publication, which I am still waiting on answers for.

The most wild thing I did in 2023 was submit Body to a publisher for consideration.

Literally all year afterwards, I was checking my personal email non-stop. Every single day. I eagerly awaited a response.

That response was a rejection that came last month, but I am still amazed that I submitted Body at all. Yes, it gave me anxiety the entire time. So what? I still did it. I’m becoming more confident in sending my works to publishers, and that’s a huge accomplishment for the neurotic mess that is me.

My partner and I left our city life to move in with my parents for financial reasons, and shockingly, I have become even more productive with my writing since then. It might be that I finally have set hours (my 40 hour work week is a blessing), or it might be that I’m not constantly stressed about money, but I have finally been able to write the weird shit I’ve been needing to get out of my system.

I wrote several short stories in the tail end of 2023 and the beginning of 2024, as well as beginning to casually rewrite Hamish in February and even write a couple scenes of my Measure for Measure reimagining.

Something I didn’t expect was that I began to keep a writing journal! I’ve always loved the thought of journaling, but never stuck with it. Something about it was difficult for me. Especially bullet journaling the way people online do it. I couldn’t keep up with all the pretty pages and keep it practical. Little did I know that, if I just changed the format to value function over form, I could be incredibly productive with one.

I’ve been tracking my word counts, the books I’ve read, the books I want to read, the poems and short stories I’ve written, poems that inspire me, my habits, and general goals for each month. It has been so incredibly helpful for keeping me on track. I made a post about it, and holy shit, if you’ve ever wanted to keep a writing journal, please let this be your sign. It’s been one of the best impulse decisions I’ve made in a while.

Currently, I’m going with the flow when it comes to my writing. Doing what comes to me. I’ve taken a marked interest in the Donner party (to the point where I got the year they were rescued tattooed on me), so I’m considering doing something with that. I also want to write some more about zombies, and to continue my casual Hamish rewrite.

I think there are some fantastic things on the horizon for me. Not only has my writing grown in ten years; I have grown. I have become such a different person in all that time (thank fuck!), and I am so incredibly proud of how I’ve gotten better as a human being. I’m surrounding myself with people I love, doing things that make me happy (or at the very least improve my health/mental wellbeing). It’s been a fucking slog, and I’ve come out stronger.

Thank you everyone for coming along with me on my writing journey. If you have any questions you’d like me to answer, feel free to ask! This was a lot to get off my chest, and I’m feeling very nostalgic.

#magnus talks #my writing journey #writers on tumblr #on writing #magnus' golden birthday celebration

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unrequitedloveletter · 2 months

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Hello! Can I ask what working in a nursing home is like? Like the training & how hard it is,, it’s one of the careers I’m interested in doing :^) 👾

Hi, anon! I work as a long term care assistant (LTCA) which is a temporary position wherein I basically just kind of assist the continuing care assistants (CCAs) so I probably don't know as much as CCAs or like,, registered nurses who work in a similar environment to the one I'm in, but here's what I can tell you after exactly four weeks of working in a seniors/assisted living home.

I am operating off the assumption you might end up as an LTCA or a CCA and giving you what I know based on that.

all of it is below the cut because I rambled off at the mouth a little, and just a note: all of the stuff I talk about is based on my own experience so far. Everything you're reading is from my own unique perspective and I, in no way, am trying to represent the whole of people who work in nursing homes under any kind of a position be it my own or something like housekeeping/working as the RN. This is just my perspective and how I feel about my job and the environment in which I have worked for nearly a full month now. As I keep working my perspective may change but this is my perspective on everything as of March 8th, 2024.

The training, for me, was very simple almost?? I had five shifts that week and two days off, and three of those shifts were spent orientating.

Before the orientating though, I had to go through about nine hours of training through a program I'm not going to list bc I don't know if it's used very commonly anywhere outside of my specific organization and I simply do not want to check right now. I don't know how other orgs will do it but if you do get into working in this environment you may end up with orientating shifts + an online training program.

If you're stuck with something similar, just try to keep a level head about it and unless you only have like, two days to do it (I had close to a week) take your time with it.

Even then, where you can, take a breather, bc if you have eight hours of training to do it will get very boring very fast and you'll be staring at your laptop screen like "aughhhhhhhh what" within thirty minutes. I speak from experience with that.

BACK TO THE ORIENTATING THOUGH!! I had three full days of orientating + one four hour day wherein I signed paperwork and took a lil tour of the building before the three days of orientation.

Orientating is the fucking worst imo but that's just because, when you're working in a nursing home with zero prior experience, it's not a fucking cakewalk, and you have to learn a lot of shit while you're orientating and you're going to come home and cry because it's new and your feet hurt.

If you're anything like me, you'll genuinely debate quitting multiple times in your first orientating shifts but stick it out my friend. it's gonna get easier as the routine gets settled into your bones.

HOWEVER, a piece of advice I have is this: ask your orientater if they've previously worked on the floor you'll end up working on after you've finished orientating if you're going to be working on different floors from one another. If your situation ends up similar to mine (wherein you and your orientater are the only two LTCAs on one specific shift rotation of the two) then the answer will likely be yes, though I wouldn't say it's a guarantee.

If it's yes and you'll be working on 1st or 2nd primarily after orientation but are being trained/orientated on 3rd, ask them to train you on 1st and 2nd or to spend some time there so you can familiarize yourself with it a bit. It's something I wish I had done--I was trained mostly on 3rd and had gone to 2nd maybe once or twice in three days of orientating, but since the end of my orientation I've been working on 2nd. Had I asked to maybe see about training on 2nd I would've saved myself the week worth of shifts it took me to adjust to working on 2nd and thus I would've gotten the hang of things quicker.

in terms of how hard it is, the truth is that once you get past the learning curve of stuff, the routines settle into your system and mentally it kind of feels like taking a load off, but my first piece of advice is this: either before you get paid or with your first paycheck, invest in some compression socks and good quality shoes.

I did my first eight shifts with crappy thrifted nikes and my feet screamed bloody murder the entire time, so with my first paycheck I ordered a pair of hokas, which are pretty expensive depending on the shoe you get, but i refuse to wear any other pair of shoes I have to work. My hokas are my favorite pair of shoes i’ve ever owned bc they’re comfy and while the pain in my feet hasn’t diminished wearing the comfy shoes makes it easier to handle most days.

ALSO ON THAT NOTE: regardless of the position you're in at the nursing home, walking a lot and standing the majority of your day is almost a guarantee. I wear my fibit to work bc when I first started I was determined that I'd walk 300k steps by the time my contract was done. The contract just got extended bc they're still providing funding for my job, and since I started working I've taken 150k steps.

To put into perspective how long the hours can get: when you're an LTCA or a CCA, you work twelve hour days. At my job, I work seven shifts in two weeks. Six of them are twelves, one of them is an eight, but the math adds up and I work 80 hours in those two weeks. CCAs can get mandated to work certain shifts + days as far as I know, but LTCAs can't and don't get mandated to work nights or anything like that (continuing care assistants who might be reading this ramble can correct me if I'm wrong, I've heard my coworkers who are CCAs discussing mandates though lol) I've worked at my place of employment for four weeks and haven't encountered mandates or anything like that in my own scheduling lol

time to talk about how hard it can sometimes be mentally bc despite how easy stuff gets once you learn the rhythm and figure out your own place in the work ecosystem, it's not always gonna be sunshines and rainbows. Especially not in a place like a seniors assisted living home.

The twelve hour shifts can take a big toll on you, so just--be cautious! Know yourself well enough to know whether or not you can handle it decently and know when self care is necessary. Working back-to-back twelve hours fuckin sucks and bc that's likely how it'll be if you wind up in a seniors home, just do check ins whenever you have your break.

If you sit down to eat your lunch and think "three days of this bullshit but I'm halfway done til I have off days. I'm gonna watch my comfort media and eat the pint of ice cream in the freezer once I'm home" then go home at the end of your shift and do that. It might not be the most conventional form of self care necessarily, but after my bad shifts I always come home, cry for a bit and then watch either The Princess Bride, Saw, Shadow & Bone or one of the two Kingsman movies so I can't judge anyone who does what I do. Yesterday I had a shift that felt longer than half of the ones I do normally and I came home, took an edible, and then spent the next few hours high as a fuckin kite and had the time of my life. Self care looks different for everyone and just be mindful of when you need it.

Another thing to note: if you aren't really able to handle hearing about people dying, being moved to palliative care, or being diagnosed with cancer and other diseases, then working in a nursing home may not be to your speed. After almost a month, one of the things I've noticed by this point is that I'll hear about peoples deaths, people who've been moved to palliative care or have been diagnosed with something, casually and at least once every couple of days. It's a pretty commonplace thing to discuss, and I should also note that it's never EVER discussed lightly or maliciously--coworkers ask about things and stuff like that will just come up in conversation when residents are discussed as well, and I mostly just hear about it and then have to focus on something different bc hearing that stuff brought up so casually, even in that environment, is kind of jarring. I never hear that talk outside of work so it's taking a bit of getting used to.

I, again, am just an LTCA where I work and don't do everything that the CCAs do (like, for instance, changing residents, dressing or bathing them) but I'm going to tag this as needed and if a CCA sees this and wants to add their experiences, they can feel free to do so!

On a last note: nowhere you work is going to be drama free a hundred percent of the time, and you might just end up working with someone you dislike. At my work, there's really not much drama between coworkers (off the top of my head I can think of two instances, one from while I was first orientating and the other just from the shifts I worked this week) and that might be the case in loads of other places, but you might not be able to escape it and yes, it will always be annoying and make you feel like you're in high school again.

to touch on the working with people you dislike bit--that's not a guarantee but it's very likely. Let's just hope you don't go into working in a nursing home and then end up hating a coworker you see every single day because if you do, it'll fucking suck. I unfortunately strongly dislike someone I see every single day (sometimes for up to an hour!!) bc she's condescending in tone and also glance. She will look at me like I'm the dirt on the ground she blesses by walking upon it and talk to me like I'm three and don't know anything. I've cried four times in one shift bc of her and she is the reason I know it's safe to cry in the bathroom on 3rd and then act like you're fine and have people believe you when you say you are lol.

All in all, you'll love and hate it at the same time. There'll be shifts where you're like "I want to quit. what the fuck am I doing this job for when I hate it so much I want to quit working here and then never come again." but, as someone who's spent the last three weeks pulling through to see myself to the decent days, you'll make it past wanting to quit until the urge to quit comes up again, then you'll make it past the urge another five bazillion times before you stop wanting to quit, and by that point you'll probably either love your job wholly or be able to comfortably retire.

If I missed anything in my ramble, or if there's anything specific you want me to talk about more in depth, please feel free to reach out and I can make another post! I could genuinely probably talk about my job all the live long fuckin' day and if you want to know more I'll happily talk more about it lol.

#cal talks #nursing home #continuing care assistant #CCA #LTCA #assisted living #tw: death mention #tw: palliative care mention #tw: cancer mention

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elijahkelly · 8 months

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9/18/2023

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. But before I get into that, I need to do a brief update of everything that has happened in the last ~month since I posted on here last.

We passed one month since Brennan died last week. It has gotten easier, but I don't go a day without thinking about him. Today the school did a student suicide statistics display in the drill field, where they laid a backpack out for every student who has committed suicide within some timespan. They do the demonstration every year, but it never hit as hard to me as it did today.

My food poisoning graduated into a long-term gastrointestinal issue. I was getting intense nausea randomly, throwing up, the whole nine yards. I was losing motivation, my mental health was declining (not to mention I couldn't keep my Prozac down so I was essentially being forced to quit cold turkey until I felt better). It was miserable and the closest I ever got to suicidal thoughts in a long long time. The campus doctor told me it could be Hep A, but after some testing they thankfully concluded that it wasn't. The issue lies in the fact that they found NOTHING wrong with me. So that remains a mystery to this day.

I have been having internal conflicts regarding where I stand with my friends, particularly Trent and Ozzy. It is no secret that they have quickly become my best friends, but I find myself having insecurities about the possibility of them liking each other more than they like me. I shouldn't care, because the fact remains that they love me and I love them and we all love each other, but I can't help but pick up on things between them that allude to them being closer to each other than I am to either of them. A small part of me thinks that they are on the verge of or secretly engaged in a relationship of some kind, which is wonderful, but if that is the case then why wouldn't they tell me? In all truthfulness, I think I would be a little bothered if they started dating. I understand why I shouldn't be bothered, because frankly its none of my business, but I feel like there would be that irrepressible feeling of resentment towards the two of them if that were to happen. Jealousy maybe? Not at their relationship as it exists romantically, because I have Dylan, but at the fact that their relationship is able to reach a level that I can never reach with them? I'm not sure, and to be honest trying to verbalize it is really confusing. All I know is I have some messed up biz going on that I need to figure out. I need to start utilizing the free counseling that my university offers because damn talk about emotional baggage.

I found the engagement ring. Well, let me be more specific. I found the box for the engagement ring. I didn't touch it or open it. That much I refuse to do. But I know where it is. I know it exists. I know Dylan has a plan. Holy shit. It doesn't feel real.

Anyways that's been the main stuff. If I remember anything I'll throw it in or mention it later. Now on to what I was saying earlier about death.

It feels like I have been bombarded by a series of ridiculous and difficult issues the last few months. Brennan's death, knocking my side mirror off my car, conflicts within my organization, my stomach issues, my mental health drastically declining, the list goes on and on. One thing just keeps coming up, though, and that's death.

Brennan's death was sorta a catalyst for all of this. I have never been struck more heavily by the uncertainty of life than his death. I haven't been able to go a day without paranoia that something's going to do me in at any given moment. To the extent that I have been planning my last rites. I worry that I'm going to die with nothing laid out for my people to follow.

I don't have as much privacy as I would like to be writing this.

Bye for now.

#gay #lgbt #lgbtq #nonbinary #life #update

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inutile-dilettante · 8 months

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Dialogue 2:

Ordinary citizens, who live with their carsini souls, outside the rigour of scientific conversation and controlled dialogue, just as they are far from being in contact with biopsychosocial treatment pathways, have appropriated the theories of the masters of the golden souls, reproducing their words in a way that the colossus calls vulgar, references and expressions that are, references and expressions that are, in a veiled way, disseminated by the media and appear in the discourses of advertising and everyday life in general, becoming almost like a public domain, as if everyone could know exactly what these terms, concepts, ideas and premises mean, the excluded produce and reproduce what they say is the exclusive domain of the colossals. Useless dilettantism tells these media that these domains mean nothing and that it is therefore authentic to reproduce them by their own creative and dilettantish means. Because we've already tasted the product, as far as the colossals and their canons are concerned, and they have no flavour whatsoever, so do it.

Thus, A Useless Delitantist is in dialogue with a friend in a garden, Arabic style, on a beach, and it is this dialogue that speaks the lush:

"Your monograph and writing, Gabriel, is as deeply comprehensible as João do Rio's Portrait of Dorian Grey. Because you remind me that one way to train in erudition is just to read João do Rio's translations, mainly by Martin Claret. Or the aportuguised work that I found most difficult to read. Reading Don Quixote by Montecristo Editora is easier than reading João do Rio's translation by Martin Claret. Montecristo's book is available on the Skeelo platform for free, kid."

He took a moment to look at the beach from afar and then turned back to his friend with a questioning look on his face:

"Literate, erudite and poetic currents are only and exclusively concerned with tedious, monotonous activities, with extreme concern about whether or not they can keep the shit together, as well as loyalty, frankness, sincerity, eschewing the norms of gymnastic body style. These eight qualities are exclusive to the extremely literate, academic, poetic and erudite. I observe this because I'm a kind of sentinel".

He laughed as he finished speaking.

"In my work as a watchman, I observe gymnasts who seek extreme control of their bodies and judge their colleagues who are out of line with me, fat and psychotic with trembling bodies. Gymnasts work out so that their body equals or exceeds the capacity of the training machine, a delinquent like me, in contrast to this mechanisation of the body, uses the training machine to go according to the body, that is, not to force it, regardless of whether or not the coach says he can go beyond the machine."

He spoke as he gazed continuously at the fields of Gramado around him:

"For me, building the body is done in a natural way, without equating the organism with the machine, but making the machine work in the time of the organism, lungs work with the lung capacity and not work to the maximum of a tool. In other words, respecting their limits. Forcing an actor on stage to control his emotions like a button makes him a kind of oscillating robot, forcing a student to control information makes him a kind of cognitive algorithm, making an athlete like a machine makes him the training device itself? My group isn't interested in the mechanisms that make up today's world. What is most valuable to us is the new revelation of human relationships and the acceptance of organic capacity."

The fat man got up to buy an ice-cream, sat down and said:

"But much of what is done with Useless Delitantism starts from the school in which an Anglicanism is appropriated to say a method of validation and politics for the promotion of culture not legitimised in the historical-social process of/in the development of one or more ethnic groups. On the other hand, we are witnessing a massification of a common cultural formation, a culture that prepares itself to be literate, academic, erudite, mechanical, technicist, or to want to be, denying its own culture through the spin on the Baobab. Everyone forgets that in each culture there is, on the part of each subject who participates in it, a different announcer, a form that adapts to the way of being in a world of events that is increasingly complex and distant from human relationships, this is being delitantist."

Said the fat man who was now savouring a natural fruit ice cream, strawberry. I continue:

"Deize is not separated from David, the first says something about the subject within three cyclical processes for the transcendent instance, I say more, because it is where the subject making itself also makes the way of announcing itself in its culture. The second, on the other hand, says something about the eternal change of things, which justifies my focus on cyclical processes, since there is no fixation on a role for the stage, but a dialectic to always get there. I'm not going to explain it to you, Gabriel… Recreate what I'm saying, put it into your own words, and you'll understand".

He finished his ice-cream looking out over the green fields. The Dilettantist said:

"Today we see a scenario in which the central workforce sweeps ethnic minorities aside, along with the LGBT+ workforce. Including diversity is a word beyond the apparent whimsy of an optic and symbolic fantasy, which demands, through practical routes, not just including, but dismantling the normalised power hierarchy. People who are part of this hierarchy feel that their work is unquestionable and that their spaces are legitimate, which means that within the central labour force, people within the normative, white, hetero, gymnastic, Judeo-Christian patterns feel more confident about what they do and the spaces they occupy, as well as dominant over the latter, in other words, that they feel legitimate in excluding or sweeping to the ignored side. Or as happened to me inside the spinner gym, people who couldn't even see each other, but ignored me, refused to give instructions and advice so that I would give up the gymnastic ritual."

He laughed, gazing out over the beach. That's how Gabriel reflexively put it:

"It's not just out there that they'll be rooting for your worst, that you get lost, that you sink into drugs, that you kill yourself, that you have accidents. It's obviously also from within what we're taught to call family. It's not a good deed that will exclude various perverse discourses such as those listed here right now. And you, being as self-sufficient as I am, don't understand this little piece full of gerunds, which you don't even know what such a thing is. So who's in the shit now? Who can't understand a simple text written by me, the madman? You know, you'll never be able to understand them. These texts are for a class of useless Delitantists, and go read Lord Arthur Savile's plots to understand."

They both stared reflectively at the beach in the distance. Then the fat man began to speak:

"I see, Costa. You know… My mum's a sweetheart when she's not a beast, I love her anyway. That's why I told her that the undignified situation she's going through today is the fault of her sisters and nephews who voted for Bolsonaro. Since she's so wonderful, she didn't recognise it, she kept repeating: "But how are they to blame?". Do you understand how family love in excess can really blind? The family doesn't have to be too high up, nor so much higher than ourselves, I believe."

The friend didn't understand the correlation, but being a Useless Dilettantist, one knows that articulating paragraphs and meanings is not a priority, so the Dilettantist continued:

"There are many things I don't understand, Gabriel. Just like you… Or Julia, who may not have responded to my feelings at university…".

They both laughed. He continued:

"Frankly… You know, I was reading about the utopia of communism and I realised that, in the transition from socialism to communism, there is the disappearance of the state which unleashes the prodigious development of the productive forces, I think it's in the sense of gigantic, the age of abundance, which from the way I write, some of you know which book and page it's about, well, such prodigious development would lead to this age of abundance, to the end of the division of labour into subordinate and superior tasks, to the absence of contrasts between town and country, industry and agriculture. I certainly recognise that the existence of the state brings with it all these contrasts and repulsive determinations in favour of the owners of capital, which with its end could lead to the transfalled context, I mean, [/written], but alongside this, I can't imagine a point that is that of prodigious development with the non-existence of classes, such a characteristic of this stage, its naive understanding of the age of abundance. I always endeavour to imagine a prodigious classless development that leads to the abundance of some, some era, eras…".

The Dilettantist laughed at himself. He returned to his serious tone and said as if surprised by something he had thought:

"But I understood something from Marx, dear Costa… That society is structured on two levels, the infrastructure and the political-ideological. What interests me most is the infrastructure, because there are two types of relationship there, that of nature and that of individuals to each other. And although both are in great decline today, a Useless Dilettante is always busy talking about the relationship between individuals who are increasingly distant due to technology and defence encounters with remote names. It's interesting how this relationship starts in industry and extends to the social environment, i.e. relationships with owners and non-owners are just as devastated as the relationship between non-owners and means and objects of labour or just as drastic as in the social environment. You only have to look at the new HR and be disappointed to find it robotised, as if this were a simple attempt to keep HR out of the hands of the worker who has a problem. It's like taking the glasses off someone who's having problems with their eyesight, Gabriel."

He looked wide-eyed, perplexed, and shook his head in the affirmative, repeating "it's" for a very long time, as if in astonishment. He said:

"The gymnastic society, or society of athletes, determines and reinforces who is not in the gymnastic mould. In this way, it contributes to the determination/conditioning of those who are muted, made invisible, inert, based on the type of body that the discriminated subject has, within this the ethnicity, the conduct, the expression that is or is not in contrast with the reference of gymnastic identity, which is the moral basis of the gymnast since the reinforced gymnastic movements of the notorious French gymnastic method of the 19th century."

He spoke again:

"It is the intellectuals who elaborate the hegemonic ideas that appear in the judgement of one or the other. And this all starts with the class system, which is the structure of the school that prepares its thinkers to be attracted to ally themselves with the prevailing values of the dominators. Meanwhile, in the dominated classes, deconsciousness grows more and more and leads to disorganisation, passivity and dependence, and even if there were a great rebellion, this dependence wouldn't be changed."

Arrotou continued:

"This is why there is a need for organic intellectuals, who emerge organically from their own ranks and counter the traditional intellectuals who generalise the values of the ruling classes. The purpose of the organic intellectual is to form, in his own logical way, the concept of the world of the dominated, which the traditional intellectual is incapable of thinking and doing."

He was reflective for a moment and said:

"I'm not just a dilettante Dadaist writer, because I didn't study to be a Portuguese language teacher, but a teacher of communication and expression. Because I see that educating, on the occasion of being a lyricist, is a political position and my position is against the linguistic prejudice that immobilises, makes impossible, silences through the exercise of both the alps trained in prescriptive grammar and the greatest sages in normative grammar. To hell with prescriptive grammar, express yourself!".

He quickly spoke again:

"Do you notice that I use the term lyricist as someone who has a degree in lyrics or who studies lyrics? I reveal that I know that in NORMA it means someone who writes lyrics or someone who draws lyrics, but for me the former is a lyricist and the latter a lyricist. See how the norm is a square thing? It has to spiral! It has to be more Dada. Like, that moustache isn't Monalisa's, but that moustache was put on Monalisa to give it its own meaning. So I cut out the word lyricist from her magazine page with its closed meaning and expanded its meaning into something else and something of my own, my collage page."

He continued:

"For me the social fact changes the meaning of the word as each social group constructs the meaning of their words at the time they speak them and in parallel to the time they have already been said. Language arises within a social factor and through it and all that language contains through it, yet it is independent of the individual, that is, it has a character of exteriority that defines the social factor in language that is notable for linguistic variations that depend on external conditions. In order to understand language, it is necessary to refer to diachrony and history. In the process of language, diachrony and synchrony are placed together, since the structure is constructed in the present time by past history and with history it is described."

He went on to say:

"There was a researcher called Bernstein, little noticed, he did a research on the real linguistic productions parallel to the social situations of the speakers and this was based on the observation where the literacy rate of working class children was different from that of wealthy class children and therefore there would be different linguistic productions and this is how he verified it. He thus postulated the restricted code and the elaborated code, concluding that learning and socialisation are marked by the family in which the child is raised and that it is the social structure that determines the type of code, along with linguistic behaviour. In this way, linguistic difference was discretised on the basis of social difference. Later, William Labov showed that instead of codes, the linguistic characteristics of these "polar classes" were styles. For me, a style is a decision. Those who follow a style follow it by choice, like the autonomy to choose which trousers to wear that day, but when you're working class you don't have much choice of clothes, so it's your purchasing power that makes your style, which serves as an anchor, and in these circumstances, of heteronomy, it's not really a style, but a social condition. It's for these reasons that I agree with Bernstein's code term for Brazil. I would only make a few changes, such as broadening it to class code aa, a, ab, b, bc, c, cd, d, de, e. But, obviously, a whole alphabet fits. Above all, I can say that linguistic diversity is conditioned by the socio-identity factors of the speaker, recipient and context."

Laughing, he seemed to lose his grip on reality, and began to say something completely unrelated to what he had said so far:

"My family and my mum always say that I'm clever, that I'm special, that I'm someone good, that I'm an angel, that I can achieve anything I want if I concentrate hard enough. Well, I don't think I'm anything like that. To tell you the truth, nothing too grandiose is how I feel. I appreciate what isn't regimented, prescriptive, standardised, mechanised, ceremonial, sanctified, intellectualised. I have an appreciation for madness, which is why I'm a dilettante in the style of Arthur Savile."

#INUTILE-DILETTANTE

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lachonk · 11 months

Text

How I tag shit

Fandoms I tag:

Pokemon - #pokemon

Stardew Valley - #stardew

Hello Kitty and co - #sanrio

Studio Ghibli movies - #ghibli

American Psycho - #batemancore

Preminger from barbie princess and the pauper - #preminger tag

Disco Elysium - #disco elysium

Jerma (fyi I don't watch him at all) - #jerma containment

Joe Biden (don't ask) - #bidenposting