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crystaljins · 5 years

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Take a chance. | 06

Characters: Jungkook x Reader

Word count: 11.7K

Synopsis: You should have known the second your business partner asked you to plan his best friend’s wedding as a favour that it was going to be nothing but trouble. Especially when it turns out he’s in love with said best friend. And dying of a deadly disease because of it.

Hanahaki!au

Notes: @trumpettay @usuallyunlikelyfox Here’s your tags!

As for everyone else.... I honestly feel so loved. I was so insecure about this fic and you guys have showered it with love and honestly... Thank you. Thank you so much. We’re so close to the end and I hope you guys can stick with me just a little longer!

Warnings: Angst. Graphic depictions of vomiting. Mentions of illness and death.

Masterlist

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

Seri knows that something weird is happening at work. For one thing, you, the textbook definition of a workaholic, take a sudden and unexplained leave from the office despite not having done so since starting the business five years ago. Jin graciously takes on all your clients and begins staying well past his office hours to handle the extra workload but does not offer a word of complaint for it. Jungkook suddenly decides to start working from home like he’ll burst into flames if he steps foot in the office. It’s like something awful has happened and no one has the decency to tell her.

At least not until after a couple of weeks of this strange quiet at the office passes. She’s relaxing late on a Friday night, revelling in the fact that she doesn’t have to go into work tomorrow. It’s when Seri is in the middle of contemplating cracking open a bottle of wine that it happens. Her phone goes off and a picture of Jin smirking at her flashes across the screen. It’s his contact image, one that he set himself to replace the previous picture she had of him sleeping during office hours with an impressive double chin. She can’t think why he’d be calling at this hour.

“Please come and get him.” An unfamiliar voice on the other end of the line answers when she picks up.

“I’m sorry, who is this?” She asks, because she was expecting Jin, and this isn’t Jin. The other end of the line sighs.

“I’m the bartender. And look, he was charming at first but then he stole the mic from the live singer and started telling dad jokes. And now he won’t stop crying and I saw he was drunk dialling you and so you must be someone he knows. I don’t care if you’re his ex, his best friend or his worst enemy. Just come and get him before I call the police.” The frazzled bartender pleads.

If Seri received a dollar for every time Jin gave her a headache, she’d probably be rich. As it stands, you’re pretty much paying her to babysit Jin. And so, with a groan and a longing look at the bottle of wine where it sits in her wine rack, she grabs her keys and a jacket and reluctantly leaves the warmth of her apartment.

It’s drizzling outside when she pulls up close to the pub. Inside, the crowd is starting to gradually grow but it isn’t hard to locate Jin. He’s the one trying to slut drop on the bar counter. The bartender, a young female who looks very much out of her depth is pointedly ignoring the shenanigans. Most people in the bar ignore him, and that suits Seri just fine because it means no one notices when Jin spots her and launches himself off the counter towards her. He stumbles a bit and only manages to avoid cracking his head open because he deposits all of his weight onto her as he throws his arms around her.

Seri stumbles a few steps, struggling under his weight, before managing to right herself by planting her back against a nearby pillar. This leaves her sandwiched between Jin’s weight and the pillar, but the alternative is both of them crumpling to the ground.

“Seri!” Jin cries enthusiastically and it takes a surprising amount of effort to pry his arms off her. “You came!”

He stumbles back a bit but manages to stay upright when she finally shoves him off of her. He grins goofily at her though, and he smells strongly of expensive whisky.

“Jin, what the heck?” She cries. She needs an explanation if she’s forced to put up with him at all, let alone drunk. “What are you doing here?”

He blinks a few times, uncomprehendingly before a smile spreads wide on his face.

“I’m celebrating.” He explains. He’s not drunk enough that he’s slurring his words, at least- he just seems to be tipsy. Very tipsy.

“Celebrating what?” She demands. He squints at her for a few moments, as if unsure of who he’s seeing, before smiling again.

“I’ll tell you after I get another drink.” He says suddenly, about to stumble towards the bar, but she catches his arm and yanks him back towards her.

“No. No way. No more drinks for you.” She scolds. “The only place you’re going is home.”

“But I don’t want to go home!” He complains. His full lower lip juts out in a pout as he does so, and he petulantly folds his arms like he’s chucking a tantrum. His voice lowers in volume and he leans in close- she’s still leaning against the pillar and to anyone watching on, they probably looking like a couple getting cosy. “Don’t make me.” He pleads against her ear. Seri stiffens, at the tone of his voice- gone is the giddy drunkenness and the childish tantrum.

Kim Seokjin is a lot of things. He’s boisterous, he’s loud, he’s friendly, he’s silly. Sometimes he’s obnoxious but it’s usually because he’s so enthusiastic about everything he comes across. Even his negatives are because of positive traits- he’s annoying because he can’t let anything go but that’s because he cares. He’s cringey but that’s because he likes to make people laugh. There isn’t a bad bone in his body. For a long time, Seri has thought of him as one of those obnoxious yellow weeds- flatweeds, they’re called. The bright yellow flowers that bloom on people’s lawns. They interfere with the grass that people want to grow, and they’re weeds. They’re carried on the wind and invade every flowering space. But there’s something lovely about them, about their brightness. Bright yellow- the colour of happiness. That’s Seokjin to her.

His voice is not happy. She’s never heard it crack- break in the way it does in that moment.

“Jin,” She calls, and he drops his forehead so that it rests in the crook of her neck of her shoulder. Somehow the action is heavier than when he threw his entire bodyweight on her earlier.

“I ruined her life, Seri.” He finally admits, a tiny whimper that she would almost have missed were it not for their proximity. “(Y/N)’s.”

Seri swallows and gently places her hands flat against his chest so that she can force him to take a step away from her. His eyes are downcast and bloodshot. The smell of alcohol clings to his rumpled shirt but his eyes aren’t red from drinking. No- they’re swollen. The bartender had mentioned that he’d been crying but Seri had assumed it was drunken shenanigans- she had assumed all of this was drunken shenanigans but looking into his eyes now she realises it’s not- it’s more than that.

“You didn’t.” She reassures him, though she doesn’t know what he thinks he did. Presumably, it has to do with his stupid plan to make Jungkook fall in love with you. Jungkook has been weird since then, but you’re all acting strange now. Jin smiles weakly at Seri.

“I did.” He repeats. “She didn’t have Hanahaki. She wasn’t sick.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Seri points out calmly. She had a feeling you weren’t sick. She’s seen Hanahaki before and you weren’t displaying any of the typical signs. But Jin was so sure and enthusiastic that she felt powerless to convince him otherwise. He shakes his head.

“She’s sick now.” He says. “She vomited right in front of me- it was a daisy petal. Just one. They’re… they’re her favourite flower. The petals I found that time were roses- it was Jungkook who was sick, all this time.”

Seri’s heart plummets into her stomach at his words.

“But doesn’t that mean-“ Seri cries, as her mind races to puzzle together the meaning of Jin’s words. He nods with an anguished smile.

“We… no… I made her sick. She was fine until I interfered.” He admits. The look he gives her is sober- the giddiness he had been chasing has evaporated and now he is weighed down with what he had been drinking to forget. “Do you know why I cared so much? About her?”

Seri shakes her head, her eyebrows knitted together. She frowns at Jin but patiently awaits his explanation.

“She gave me a chance.” He says. “My family… they kicked me out without a penny. I didn’t match up to the standards they wanted. A rich family like that… their son should be a doctor, or a lawyer. Not a college dropout. And (Y/N)… she hired me with zero qualifications to fill in paper work and I thought that was all I was ever going to amount to, without my family, without a degree… And then one day I helped her make that flowchart that you always complain about and she believed in me. Because of my merit. (Y/N) was the first person to ever see the value in me as me, and not as the role everyone wants me to fill. So, I wanted to help her, to pay her back… but I just ruined everything. I ruined their lives- hers, and Jungkook’s.”

Gradually, she’s starting to understand what happened. You love Jungkook and have shown the first signs of Hanahaki. It likely happened in front of Jungkook and Jin, given their behaviour. And it was probably because of Jin’s plan to tell Jungkook that you liked him… something that turned out to be the truth, even if Jin had completely misunderstood the situation. The situation being that Jungkook had been the sick one all along… and is probably desperately in love with someone else and not prepared for you to have Hanahaki because of him. And now you were all scared and panicked and that explains your sudden leave of absence and the sudden icy atmosphere in the office.

“You didn’t ruin anything.” Seri reassures Jin, wrapping her arms tightly around his middle and pulling him in for a warm hug. “You didn’t, Jin. This wasn’t your fault. But don’t worry.”

She shifts so that Jin, more sober now but still slightly unstable, is supported by her, and leads him out of the bar. Her car is nearby, and she plans to take him home.

“I’m going to fix this.” Is what she promises her co-worker as he sleeps in her passenger seat on the drive back to his apartment.

For one long moment, Jungkook slumps weakly against the bathroom cabinet. He can’t seem to find the strength to force himself to his feet to clean up after his latest episode. Oddly, despite this latest episode, his vomiting has been improving. Despite the fact that he’s stopped attending sessions with Namjoon and is screening all his calls, the fast approaching wedding date and the stress of fulfilling duties as both Best Man and Maid of Honour without you there to gently guide him through the steps. And despite the haunting memory of that pure white daisy petal. The one that had fluttered to the ground almost poetically and landed just in front of him. The carpets in your office are dark- easier to maintain, in your own words. Against the dark backdrop, the petal had almost glowed, even in the meagre lighting of your office. Like the feather of an angel wing. How could something so innocent and pristine carry a message of such death and despair? How can he be improving when you are sick? He shouldn’t be getting better- he should be getting worse. He should be feeling ten times the pain and discomfort you must be experiencing right now.

The rose petals look like blood as he sweeps them into a pile. His throat is dry and sore because of his latest episode. The medications Namjoon previously prescribed him sit untaken on his bathroom cabinet. Are you suffering this way too? Have you vomited since? He has not had the courage to find out, or to even contact you. What if you are? What will he do then? How could he cope with the knowledge that he’s the cause of such agony in you? He can’t go on much longer like this, locking himself in his apartment, working from home. He knows this and yet each morning he wakes up and tells himself just one more day. One more day without having to face what has happened. One more day where he can wallow and pretend that you’re perfectly fine, that that argument never happened. He can speak to you afterward. Maybe even comfort you, like you did for him. After just one more day.

He just can’t seem to gather the strength to speak to you.

He’s just about finished cleaning up the mess of his latest Hanahaki episode when he hears a knock on his door. It’s a soft, tentative knock. Taehyung or Minah would have just used the spare keys they own- many a time they’ve just barged in without any regard for his privacy or what he might be doing. So, he knows it’s not them. Then who could it be?

Surprisingly, hope springs in his chest that it’s you. It’s a stupid thought. He’s not even sure why he has it. Quickly, he glances in the bathroom mirror and fluffs his hair- it clings to his forehead with sweat and his skin is pale. In the hopes of brings some colour to his face, he turns on the tap and splashes himself with cold water a couple of times. He clears his throat a couple of times- he doesn’t want you worrying about him, after all, especially following the revelations of the feelings you must have for him.

But when the door swings open, it’s not you. It’s Seri, who looks surprised when the door swings open- her fist hovers in the air before her, as if she were about to attempt a second knock. When she spots him, she drops her fist and offers an awkward but polite smile.

“Hello.” She says formally. She ducks her head politely and Jungkook mimics the motion. She’s not high on the list of people he’s expecting in at his door in the late evening. She’s definitely the quietest amongst his coworkers, between you and your passion and Jin and his amicability. He can’t say he knows her that well beyond the fact that you had seen something you liked in her that you couldn’t identify in words, much like you had in Jin. And it’s not like he’d ever had an interest in getting to know his coworkers prior to you discovering his secret. He can probably count on one hand the number of times he and Seri have interacted one-on-one outside of her making requests of him as the manager of the business.

“Seri,” He greets. His voice is a bit hoarse, so he clears it awkwardly. “What brings you here?”

She glances around awkwardly before leaning in a little to peer into his apartment.

“I had a few things to talk about with you and you haven’t been coming into the office lately. And since (Y/N) is on leave…” She explains. She raises her other hand where she’s dangling a plastic bag from her fist. “I brought us something to drink.”

Jungkook feels himself stiffen when he peers inside the bag to find a bottle of just plain milk and a jar of honey. Not even flavoured milk. It’s an odd drink to bring along- most people will bring tea, or coffee, maybe a soft drink or plain wine. But that’s not what makes him freeze in the doorway like that- it’s that warmed milk and honey is what is recommended to Hanahaki patients after an episode. Most people only know the most basic information about the disease, and he feels like a random off the street wouldn’t know to bring plain milk- it’s intimidating and a little suspicious that Seri thought to bring such a specific drink. Even if she knew about his Hanahaki, how did she know to bring this beverage?

“That’s an… odd beverage choice.” He comments stiffly. Seri tilts her head slightly and smiles. It’s more of a thoughtful curl to her lips than a proper smile, but something knowing lingers behind her eyes that make Jungkook feel uneasy.

“You do know that I’ve been working alone with Jin in the office for the past two weeks, right? When have you ever known him to be capable of keeping a secret?” She comments. Jungkook grimaces, and she raises an eyebrow. “Are you going to let me in, or do you want your neighbours to hear what I have to say as well?”

Jungkook doesn’t need much more urging than that and quickly ushers Seri into his apartment. Instantly, her gaze goes to the garbage bag sitting by his bathroom door- the one he had meant to take to the outside trash right before she knocked on his door. It’s a white plastic bag and the bright red rose petals from his recent episode are just visible through the thin, translucent plastic. He cringes and grabs the bag by the handles and chucking it carelessly into the floor of his bedroom. He’ll deal with it when she’s gone.

She strides purposefully towards his kitchen and sets her bag on the counter before rummaging through his cupboard. She pulls out two mugs and fills them with milk. Then entire time she prepares the drinks she doesn’t say a word to Jungkook, and it isn’t until she sets a mug of warmed milk and honey before Jungkook and is sipping at one herself that she finally speaks.

“So… It wasn’t (Y/N) with Hanahaki after all.” Is what she says. She takes another delicate sip of her drink and hugs the mug in close to her chest while Jungkook chokes and nearly sprays hot milk out his nostrils. “You know Jin can’t keep a secret, Jungkook.” She chuckles to herself. But then her expression sharpens, and she peers at Jungkook with a clarity that tells him everything he needs to know- Seri knows exactly what’s going on. At least with him.

“I didn’t expect him to.” He mutters. Her whole face softens, and she offers Jungkook a smile- it’s not like the polite ones she has been giving to him so far. This one actually reaches her eyes, which are filled with a warmth and kindness that he’s not sure he’s prepared to receive.

“In his defence, he didn’t tell me so much as I figured it out.” She says, ignoring his muttered comment and cutting straight to the chase. “Is it because of that friend? The one (Y/N) is organising the wedding for?”

He’s so ashamed that his voice fails him, and he settles for just nodding his head pathetically. Seri shakes her head and sighs.

“It sounds like a real mess that you’ve all been dealing with.” She comments. But then she smiles at him again. “But that’s why I’m here. I’m here to help you sort this out, Jungkook.” She offers him determinedly. It reminds him of you, oddly, so much so that his heart pulses painfully in his chest and he has to look away. He doesn’t deserve to miss you.

“There’s not much you can do to help, I’m afraid.” He tells her dully. Everything is already ruined, after all. Everything that could have possibly gone wrong short of Minah and Taehyung finding out and calling off their wedding has gone wrong. And with the way things are going, they may very well find out now that he no longer has your help to cover for him. He doesn’t even feel like he has the will to hide it from them anymore. Seri shakes her head.

“There is, actually.” She confesses. She sets her mug down on the counter and folds her arms, glaring at him sternly. “I can convince you that the best thing to do is to come clean to your friends. The ones who are getting married. I know from (Y/N) that those two are your best friends- that’s why you haven’t been cured yet, right? Because it would mean exposing yourself? I know you’re probably hiding your sickness because you don’t want them to worry or call off the wedding. But have you ever considered that it’s wrong to lie to your friends like that?” She suggests tentatively. Jungkook opens his mouth to protest but she cuts him off. “I know you’re probably not directly lying, at least not intentionally. You’re just not telling them. But you’re still robbing them of the ability to choose what they want, Jungkook. If you tell them the truth, they can help you. And you can get treatment, and (Y/N) will probably get over whatever she’s going through, and things will go back to normal, eventually.”

He stares at Seri for a long moment.

“I… I’m doing it for their own good.” He offers weakly, though he can kind of see the point that Seri is making, even if he doesn’t want to. She shakes her head.

“Probably so they don’t call off their marriage, right?” She speculates thoughtfully between more sips of her now-cooling milk. “So that they can ride off into the sunset and have some sort of happily ever after while you… while you what? Fade into oblivion? Die? What do you really want, Jungkook?”

Jungkook winces, because that is, admittedly, the part of the equation he’s been ignoring. What happens to him, after Minah and Taehyung get married? Will he even survive the marriage process? What does he want to happen to him? He’s been putting off finding an answer to that question because honestly… Honestly, he is scared. He doesn’t want to die. He’s scared of what will happen to his friends if that’s how things end. But it’s not like he can tell them- how could he look at them after, how could he smile or laugh with them when he’ll have to carry the knowledge that he ruined their lives for the rest of his life, even if he does get better? Is the only way he can live by destroying the happiness of the woman that he supposedly loves? Is this how awful love is? All he feels is an empty hollowness in his chest. The Hanahaki means he loves her, which means love must be a curse. A curse that means his choices are to lose every memory of his closest friend or die. Why must he choose, between his life, and her happiness? How is that a fair choice to ask of him?

And you… that’s not even beginning to figure how you fit into all this. Mostly because he doesn’t know how you fit into all of this. You had thrown up that petal… So that means you must love him, right? So, what happens if he dies, then? Will you follow? Will your disease turn incurable? Will you have to forget him? Or is it early enough stages that the therapy will heal you? Maybe you’re even already healed. The last thing he wants is for you to be dragged down with him, and it’s why he’s avoiding the office. Maybe you can turn around and forget him, if he’s not there- it’s not like you will be losing a lifelong friend if you require hypnotherapy during your treatment. That’s what’s best for everyone, after all. If he just… vanishes from their memory, then all the problems will be fixed. Him and his cursed feelings are the cause for all this misery, potential and actual.

And yet for some reason he feels a painful pang in his chest at the thought. Of how easy it would be for you to leave him behind. It’s what he deserves and yet… it’s not what he wants. He’s trapped in the spider’s web, unable to unravel himself, and it’s not like he wants you trapped alongside him- no, that thought is abhorrent. He just wants… He wants things to be simple. For him to not be sick and for Minah and Taehyung to be happy and to just… go back to work with you. To plan weddings and fix your printers and follow along with your silly but enthusiastic daily tasks. To sit at his desk with the occasional waft of your perfume to remind him that you’re near, fulfilling your dream with his help. But that isn’t an option, is it?

“I want to go back to work.” Is what he finally admits. Seri watches the conflicting emotions play across Jungkook’s face for a long moment before she reaches forward and wraps her fingers comfortingly around his hand.

“Jungkook,” She calls. “I know you mean well. I do. I know that (Y/N) wouldn’t have helped you- I know that she wouldn’t be sick if you were an awful, selfish person. And I know that this situation is far more than any person should ever have to deal with and that you’re trying your best. But I’m not going to sugar coat it for you- this self-loathing is not how to fix this. You’re probably hoping that if you punish yourself enough, things will magically sort themselves out. But that’s the last thing the people who care about you want. They wouldn’t want you to hate yourself or to make yourself suffer. And maybe if you keep it up like this, you’ll be long gone by the time your friends have to deal with the repercussions of you lying to them, for who knows how long. But do you honestly things that’s what’s best for the people you love- and the people who love you? If you’re hurt, then they will be too. Is that what you want?”

It’s not.

He doesn’t want that at all.

But he doesn’t see a way out.

Seri stares at him, taking in the agony in his expression, the pain in his silence… and her stern posture softens into something sad and sympathetic.

“Do you know why this situation is so hard?” She asks him gently. “It’s because you have to suffer in silence. If…” Her voice, surprisingly, cracks, and she clears her throat. “If you had them there, to support you, maybe it would be easier to recover. And maybe things wouldn’t be so grim. And if you can get better, (Y/N) can too. I thought a really long time about this situation before coming here, and how to fix it and what ‘fixing it’ would look like. It’s not like either you or (Y/N) can magically be cured, despite Jin’s best efforts. But I do think you can patch things up and go back to working together, and honestly, I think that’s what you really want anyway. As for how… It all comes down to you, Jungkook. (Y/N) has only thrown up one petal. She can recover and will eventually come back to work- but not while you’re slowly dying. I don’t think she’s the kind of person who could face that. So, you need to get cured and you can only do that if you aren’t afraid of those two finding out. Their wedding is built on a lie and no matter how I look at it, it can’t last like that. So, you need to tell them the truth.” She explains.

“I can’t.” He cries- no, he pleads. Because that’s what he’s doing- he’s pleading with Seri, someone who is essentially a random acquaintance to him, to find him any other way out of this. A way to avoid the crippling humiliation of telling Minah his feelings and getting rejected… of seeing the disappoint and betrayal in Taehyung’s eyes when he learns that his best friend has been longing for his fiancée since college… of the pain of knowing they’re upset because of him. “If I do, then… then…”

Seri watches his breakdown. Her expression isn’t cold or angry- rather, it’s sad. A single tear rolls down her face as she watches the composure that Jungkook has been desperately clinging on to all this time crumbles.

“My friend did the same thing, you know.” She confesses. “When I was in highschool. My best friend. She passed away in my final year of highschool. She thought it would be better if none of us knew. That we’d be happier if she didn’t tell us that she was slowly suffering. From Hanahaki, of all things. Something that is treatable. She could have been treated, but she knew getting treated would mean exposing her illness. I have to live with the knowledge that if she hadn’t been so afraid of what we thought of her that she could still be here. She was in love with my boyfriend at the time and thought our friendship would only survive if I didn’t know. But it didn’t- but not because she was in love with him. I could have forgiven her, if she had just been brave enough to tell me, and to get treatment. Instead she died, all alone. Not even her parents knew she’d been suffering like that.” She’s remarkably composed as she pours her heart out. Another tear rolls down her cheek and she wipes it away with her sleeve. She sniffs and inhales deeply. “Jungkook, please don’t do that to your friends. Take it from someone who knows what it’s like. To know that while I was happy with that guy, some punk I wouldn’t ever see again once I graduated highschool, that my best friend was in pain and refusing treatment for what she thought was my sake. She thought I’d be happy if I could have him and that she could just fade away. But instead, I’m going to have to live with the memory of that for the rest of my life. Your friends… they don’t have to.”

Silence follows in the wake of Seri’s story. He’s honestly… he’s never thought of it from Minah and Taehyung’s perspective, beyond the fact that they’d be sad. In his head, they don’t care enough about him that they wouldn’t be able to be get over it if they had each other. That’s how he’s been justifying it to himself all this time- they’ll be ok if they have each other, even if they don’t have me. That’s what he’d been thinking. He’s just thought of himself as a poisonous weed in the meadow of their happiness.

But looking at Seri… of the heartache in her eyes, the way tears roll down her cheeks even 10 years after losing her friend…

Suddenly he doesn’t see Seri standing in front of him. It’s Minah. When she cries, her eyes swell, and tears dribble from her nose and her cheeks go bright red. She looks comical but the pain in her eyes has always made him feel like he’s been stabbed. That’s what she’ll look like, ten years from now, if he’s lucky. This is the face she will have- this is the pain she will carry for the rest of her life. He pictures Taehyung next to her. Taehyung doesn’t cry as much- instead his eyes go red and he avoids people’s gaze when he’s upset. His sadness is always shown in the way he holds himself- shoulders slouched, fists clenched. Jungkook swallows.

“What if they get mad?” He asks softly. “What if they refuse to see me ever again? What if they cut me out?”

Seri shakes her head.

“Then maybe they weren’t the friends you thought they were. And yeah, they might get mad… they might be hurt… but they’ll forgive you, if they love you as much as you love them. And if they don’t, then you have us. Me… Seokjin… and (Y/N).” She reassures him. “So, what do you say? Will you tell them?”

What Seri is proposing won’t fix the multitude of problems he has. He still has to get treatment and potentially forget Minah forever. He still has to deal with the agony of rejection that will no doubt happen when he tells her. He still has to deal with potentially losing them as friends forever. And he still has to deal with the fact that you aren’t speaking to him. This won’t fix that… and it won’t cure you. But maybe… maybe if he gets treatment… Maybe you won’t have to get cured. That’s not a thought he feels prepared to have or to think through properly, but… without the stress of having to keep his struggles a secret from his two best friends maybe he’ll have the mental and emotional space to finally figure out where you fit into this whole problem. He swallows and meets Seri’s gaze, mind made up.

“I will.” He breathes.

Namjoon had, of course, refused to treat you. Something about a conflict of interest. So, he had referred you to a close friend of his for treatment, but you can’t help but feel that even after two weeks you aren’t making much progress. You never cough up more than a single petal which means the disease isn’t worsening, but you also continue to regularly produce them at inopportune moments which means it isn’t getting better, either.

Dr. Hoseok peers at you curiously. His hands are folded neatly against the surface of his desk and his labcoat is inside out. You don’t have the heart to point that out to him, though, so you just try your best not to let your gaze flicker to the rugged seam against his shoulder.

“I will admit, I was expecting things to progress more quickly in terms of recovery.” Dr. Hoseok admits, rubbing at the back of his neck in bafflement. “Especially since you came so quickly after the first episode. And I have to be honest with you, I do think it’s because you’re in denial.” He confesses.

You blink a few times at him uncomprehendingly, and he sighs.

“We’ve been having almost daily sessions for the past two weeks, (Y/N), and you can’t even bring yourself to say out loud that you have feelings for Jungkook.” He’s not complaining. Dr. Hoseok is a friendly, amicable kind of doctor, known for his great bedside manner and his compassion. He’s just calling you out. You know it, and you know that he’s right, but you can’t help but feel a prickle of resentment at his words.

“That’s because I’m not convinced.” You mutter. He raises an eyebrow. His expression is curious.

“Yesterday you told me you’ve been producing petals every few days since that first episode.” He points out. “That sounds like Hanahaki to me.” He points out. You raise your eyes to meet his gaze desperately.

“Yes, but it can’t be true!” You beg. “I can’t… I can’t have feelings for… for him.”

“Why not?” Dr. Hoseok asks gently. He’s good like that- firm and non-negotiable but also gentle when coaxing information out of you. “Why can’t you have feelings for him?”

Because you can’t. It’s not even that he’s obviously in love with Minah, although that in itself is troubling. And it’s not because you have to work with him, knowing that you have feelings for him and he doesn’t feel the same way. You’re a professional and wouldn’t hold it against him. It’s not even the Hanahaki that scares you.

It was his face, when you first threw up that petal. The fear and horror and sadness. Hadn’t he just told you how much the thought of you being in pain because of him scared him? And you’d reassured him that you weren’t hurt, and that you didn’t have feelings for him, but your own body is betraying you. And you know, you know that the hanahaki, that the petals in your lungs mean that you must have feelings for him. It must mean that you love him. But you can’t.

“Because it’s scary.” You admit softly. You look up and Dr. Hoseok steadily meets your gaze in return. He offers you an encouraging smile and you swallow down your courage and will the words to come forth. “He’s… he’s the kind of guy who blames himself for everything. He’s so worried about the people he cares about that he’ll destroy himself for them. I’ve watched him do it for his two closest friends for the past few months and I don’t want him to beat himself up over this. If I have feelings for him, he’ll never forgive himself for it.”

Hoseok nods contemplatively and pauses to make a few notes on the clipboard in front of him before redirecting his attention at you.

“Last week, you told me that your first episode was actually in front of him.” He recalls, scrolling through his history records on the computer monitor. “So, he’s probably already beating himself up over this. Don’t you think the best course of action, then, is to get better? So that he doesn’t have to blame himself?”

You see the logic in Dr. Hoseok’s words. Reluctantly, you nod your agreement. Hoseok smiles thinly and nods.

“To do that, (Y/N),” He explains. “I need you to be honest with yourself. The idea of these therapy sessions is to help you process what you’re feeling and hopefully gain some sort of closure for the unrequited feelings. There are other, more invasive steps we can take like medication or hypnotherapy, but I don’t want to go there yet. I really think that if you can be honest with yourself, that you can get through this. You’ve done it before, after all, and you didn’t have Hanahaki then. This time is no different. Remember that Hanahaki is random- not dependent on strength of feelings. Think of it like this- Jungkook isn’t a special case. He’s just a guy you had feelings for and that you have to get over. It’s essentially just a crush you have to move on from.” Hoseok tells you.

The thought is an uncomfortable one. You don’t feel like it’s just a crush. Your entire body is revolting against you. Jungkook had never told you how painful the disease is. But now you feel it in your whole body- the way your throat aches, the way your extremities are always cold. The way that you feel you can never get enough oxygen into your body no matter how deeply and slowly you breathe. And this is just the early stages. According to Hoseok, they prefer to grade the disease to decide the necessary treatment. You are grade 1, whereas Jungkook is a whopping grade 5 Hanahaki. You can’t imagine what this must feel like for him. But even then, even if you have the mildest, earliest stage of this awful disease, just thinking of it as unreturned feelings you have to move past seems wrong.

Because, if you’re being honest, you feel so much more towards Jungkook than a mere crush. You don’t want to call it love. It feels pathetic, to be in love with him. But it’s hard to find another way to describe it- this strange yearning in your heart. A yearning that has always been there- a desire, for him to be happy and healthy. You remember, back when you spent the night sharing the hotel room, how full your heart had felt at the sight of his carefree grin. His laughter had made you feel like you were flying. And every painful step of this journey since discovering his illness has been because the thought of his pain makes you feel like your heart is being slowly sawed in half. But are you in love with him? Your body sure seems to think so. And maybe your heart does too.

“What’s going through your mind right now?” Dr. Hoseok asks curiously. You shake your head.

“It… feels strange to think of Jungkook like that.” You confess. Dr. Hoseok nods understandingly.

“It would- Hanahaki is a disease of unrequited love. He is more than just a crush to you, I know. I’m just trying to help you put things in perspective.” He explains kindly. “And I’d imagine thinking of the man you love as an obstacle to move past would feel very wrong. But I thought maybe using less extreme language might help you admit out loud what it is you’re feeling. We can try something else instead though- just tell me what you are feeling, (Y/N).”

You swallow deeply and squeeze your eyes shut. The past two weeks, attending treatment, you’ve been avoiding this question. Hoseok has asked it of you at least once per session. And every time you answer with “I don’t know.” The problem is, you do know. And if you keep avoiding the answer, you’re going to keep going in circles. But even though you know the name for what you’re feeling, you don’t understand it. How did it get to this point? When did it get to this point? Was it when he asked to be friends, the night you shared the hotel room? Was it when you spent the night watching that movie together? Or was it earlier? When you first agreed to let him work with you again? Or maybe even all the way back when he first gave you hope and helped you start up your dream business?

“I… I do love him.” You finally say aloud. Your voice cracks and a single tear rolls down your cheek. Hoseok doesn’t comment on it- he merely nods solemnly. “I… I just don’t know when or how or why.”

“That’s often how these things go.” He says. “I see so many patients who didn’t realise what their feelings are, or how deep they go, until they have their first episode. It’s completely normal. We don’t always know how we’re feeling until something forces us to think it through. It’s probably that way with you and Jungkook. But at the same time… the “how” or “when” or even the “why” actually isn’t as important as you might feel it is right now.”

He pauses there and glances at the clock.

“It looks like that’s the end of our session though.” He tells you. He beams at you. “You did really well today. This step is often the hardest one- I’ve had patients who I’ve had to resort to hypnotherapy because they couldn’t get to this stage. And after this we no longer require the intensive sessions we’ve been having. We can leave it at seeing me just once a week. Speak to the receptionist and make sure you’re booked in, ok?” He says, gathering his papers and getting to his feet. He offers his hand for you to shake. You gratefully accept and smile.

“Thank you, Doctor.” You say, wiping away the tears that have been spilling down your face since your admission that you do love Jungkook. He nods and leads you out in the corridor before leaving you to organise your next appointment with the receptionist.

Just as he does, your phone starts vibrating in your pocket. It’s Seri. You wince, hoping that your business is surviving with just those two running all the event-planning aspects.

“Seri?” You say, as you pick up. She doesn’t answer for a moment or two.

“It’s about Jungkook.” She says urgently into the phone. “I convinced him to tell Minah and Taehyung about his illness.”

People often go silent when they are devastated. After all, what can you say, when your entire world crumbles around you? So Jungkook is not surprised when a deathly silence follows the end of his spiel. Taehyung’s eyes have gone red and Minah hiccups in a repressed sob.

“Can it…” Taehyung finally speaks up, but his voice cracks. “Can it be cured?” He rasps. He swallows and clears his throat, dropping his gaze to where his fists are clenched against the wooden surface of the table. All the colour has drained from his knuckles.

“It can.” Jungkook says. “But… as advanced as it is… The only reliable form of treatment is hypnotherapy.”

“Then do that!” Minah urges. Jungkook smiles warmly at her enthusiasm, but he can’t help but wince at her words.

“Hypnotherapy involves erasing the memories of the affected person.” He explains patiently, much like that doctor had explained to him when he was first diagnosed. “So… I would lose all of our memories together, Minah.”

Her hands fly up and she covers her mouth as a sob wracks her entire body.

“That… that can’t be.” Taehyung cries. “Surely… surely there’s another way?” He pleads, and that had been Jungkook’s response too. He had attempted to bargain his way out. To avoid these two terrible options. He shakes his head with another sad smile.

“If I could somehow… if I could make these feelings go away.” He explains. “That’s the idea behind hypnotherapy. If regular counselling sessions don’t work, then it’s the next step before resorting to surgery. And surgery involves losing my ability to fall in love at all.” He recounts. “I did try, to stop feeling this way… I really tried my best, so that I wouldn’t come between you two. I’ve been attending therapy sessions since your engagement party. But nothing works- I think that hypnotherapy may be the only way.”

He’s imagined the scenario where the two of them find out a hundred times. It’s never been by his own will, or him telling them. In his head, they’d have found out because he had an unexpected vomiting fit, or because Taehyung (who wouldn’t understand the meaning of boundaries if someone threw a dictionary at him) was rummaging around in Jungkook’s drawers and found his meds. But in those scenarios, they always react badly. Taehyung, in particular, would get mad and shout. And Minah would just cry. Tears would pour down her face. And then they’d both refuse to see him ever again and he’d have lost his two best friends forever.

Jungkook never could have imagined how they actually respond- Taehyung stands and walks around the table and pulls Jungkook into a firm hug.

“I’m so sorry.” He sobs, pulling Jungkook in close. The action is surprisingly comforting. “I’m so, so sorry, Jungkook. I had no idea that you were suffering like this.”

Another pair of arms wraps around him- Minah has gotten up from her seat as well, sobbing as she embraces her old friend.

“This whole time, we were planning our wedding like happy idiots and you were dying.” She realises. They must look like quite the sight, the three of them. The other people in the café stare, but Jungkook doesn’t care. He screws up his face as his eyes fill with tears and suddenly, he feels safe. Wrapped in the arms of his two best friends- he had forgotten what it was like, to be supported and cared for by them. Somewhere along the line he had stopped trusting them, and it all comes rushing back, what it is like when he has them. Abruptly, he remembers feeling a similar way the morning when he’d woken up in your apartment, but he quickly pushes the thought into the ‘deal with later’ basket when Minah starts speaking again. “You should have said something!”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” He says. His voice is small. “I thought you’d be mad. And I didn’t want you guys to think it was your fault. And… I didn’t want to forget. All my happy memories… they have you in them, Minah. I couldn’t… I couldn’t give them up.”

“Oh, Jungkook.” She sobs. They stay like that for a long moment. You had told him how therapeutic it would be to just cry things out, and he hadn’t realised how right you are until the three of them finish sobbing their hearts out. He’s grateful for you, in that moment- he doesn’t think he could have opened himself up to them like this if you hadn’t been there first. If you hadn’t held him together like this, he could never have gone back to them. And he had wanted to, so badly, for their friendship to return to what it was and for the first time, he feels like maybe it can.

Eventually, the three of them must separate. They pull away and look at each other and abruptly burst into laughter at how ridiculous they look after crying their hearts out. Taehyung and Minah re-take their seats and their eyes are swollen and noses are snotty. Jungkook holds back a chuckle at how ridiculous they must look to the other people in the café.

“Should we… should we call off the wedding?” Minah asks tentatively. She glances at Taehyung, then at Jungkook. “Would that help?”

Jungkook smiles and shakes his head.

“That’s the last thing I want. And it wouldn’t change how you feel, would it?” Jungkook questions. Minah bites her lip and looks away and it’s answer enough. “Don’t cancel the wedding. I don’t want that.”

“But then… How will you get cured?” Taehyung asks. “What can be done? We can’t just live in marital bliss while you’re like this.” Jungkook presses his lips together as he contemplates his answer.

“Well, I won’t forget you.” He promises Taehyung. “And I’ll miss those memories with Minah, for sure. But… maybe we can just make new ones?” He suggests. “I know, it won’t be the same. And I’m scared of the things I’ll forget. Minah was there when mum…. You know. And you were there when I graduated highschool, when I won those sports trophies, when I finally got a job… But we’ll be ok. I’ll be ok.” He promises. “We don’t have to deal with that yet, though. I can go back to therapy. Dr. Namjoon is a huge advocate for therapy and is doing a bunch of research to prove that is can be used as sole treatment of Hanahaki. There’s still hope. I can put off hypnotherapy until after the wedding, at the very least. And I have until then to get better by other means. But in the mean time, if you’ll have me… I still want to be your Best Man and Maid of Honour.”

Taehyung and Minah exchange a long, searching look at each other, before peering at Jungkook.

“We still want that too.” Taehyung says softly. Jungkook releases a breath he didn’t realise he had been holding. The whole conversation went so much better than he could have imagined and yet he feels as tired as if he’d just run a marathon. He suddenly wants to go home.

They don’t protest when he excuses himself- no doubt they have things they need to talk over between themselves. He feels oddly light as he exits the café. The sun seems to shine a little brighter as he steps out onto the pavement. Seri was right- he shouldn’t have kept it a secret as long as he had. If he’d told them that first day, when he went to their apartment, would he have saved himself from a year’s worth of suffering? Oddly, despite their positive reaction and the knowledge that things could have been so much simpler from the start, he can’t bring himself to regret keeping it from them. He’s not really sure why, given all the suffering he has endured and the way he has essentially been isolated for a year. If he could go back to the start, knowing that if he’d interrupted Minah and Taehyung back then that they would have supported him this entire time, he feels like he wouldn’t.

It isn’t until he sees a florist as he walks back to where his car is parked that he realises why. A pot of white daisies sits just inside the display window and the answer arrives at him with alarming clarity. He doesn’t regret it because of you. Undoubtedly, had things not played out the way they did, he probably would never have gotten as close to you as he has. He remembers the day he’d woken up in your apartment. His life was supposed to have fallen apart, but it hadn’t. You had been there, in his darkest, scariest moment. Or when the two of you had shared a hotel room and he had fallen asleep with your warmth within arms’ distance- his body is always cold thanks to his Hanahaki but that night he had fallen asleep wrapped in an almost unfamiliar cosy warmth. He remembers your embrace when the two of you had watched that sad movie together, the way it had made him smile. He remembers not being the slightest bit embarrassed or nervous about leaving a letter where he poured his heart out on your desk because he trusts you. He remembers you, and what you have come to mean to him over the past few months. He wouldn’t have those memories with you if things had played out differently. Suddenly, Jungkook is gripped with a powerful wave of longing to go back to that- to when you weren’t avoiding him and before things got so complicated and tangled. He misses you. These past two weeks have been hell. Before you, he had been alone, but now that he knows what it’s like to wake up in the morning and know you have his back… just two mere weeks without you have been harder than an entire year of being sick.

But still, clearing things up with Minah and Taehyung should be enough for him. Now that he has their support, he can get treatment without fear of losing them. He’s not alone anymore- they should fill the void that you left. And once he’s cured, he can go back to work. You’re probably getting treatment too, so the two of you will be able to work together like before and pretend none of this ever happened. His life can finally go back to what it was after more than a year of torment. He has everything he needed- support while he gets treatment, the promise of hope that things can be normal, his two oldest friends back to being there for him. That should be enough- that’s all he thought he had wanted.

But after everything that has happened, suddenly it isn’t enough.

“Jungkook!” A familiar voice jolts him out of his thoughts, and he turns to find Minah panting beside him. She’s clearly run up the street from the café in pursuit of him. She doubles over and supports her weight with her hands on her knees for a moment, before straightening. “Thank goodness I caught up with you.”

He blinks a few times before smiling tentatively at her. He should have known she would come after him. She has never been the kind of person who could leave things on such an awkward note. It is how their friendship had survived their uncomfortable teenage years- she has always been chasing after him, wanting to know if he was ok, wanting to know where his head is at. And it is how it had survived after college, when he first realised that he loved her. Instinctively, he had wanted to push her away- he wasn’t brave enough to tell her how he felt, and he hadn’t been ready for a relationship. But she had clawed her way to his side, clung onto him and refused to let go. Perhaps it would have been easy to get over her if she weren’t so stubborn, but he doesn’t really want her to be any other way. Before, her attitude had felt like a prison but now he just feels relieved- how could he ever have thought that his illness could end their friendship?

“I didn’t give you an answer. You just poured your heart out and I just watched you go.” She laments, when she’s regained her breath. He shakes his head at her.

“I don’t need one- I know what your answer will be.” He admits. She squints at him and frowns but there’s a knowing light in her eyes. He feels like she’s seeing straight through him.

“Kookie.” She says warmly. There’s something sad in her eyes despite the fond exasperation to her tone. “I’ve known you since you were that little boy who hid in the bushes whenever we went to the park because you were scared of the other kids. And despite the fact that you’re now a giant, I know that scared little boy is in there and I know when you’re running away from something.”

Her words floor him because he hadn’t realised that he has been running away until this exact moment. He’d thought that he had made his peace with Minah’s feelings for him but now he realises that until the very end, he is deathly afraid of her answer. What will happen to him, when he knows once and for all that Minah and he can never be?

“It must seem stupid to you.” He says softly. Her gaze is soft as she reaches forward and gently wraps her hands around his. Growing up, Minah had always been taller than him. She had lorded it over him all through their highschool years. And he had grimaced and complained but secretly he had always thought the world was too small for Minah and her big personality. Her big heart filled up every room she entered. But somewhere along the way she became the tiny woman in front of him- both her hands just barely wrap around one of his. When had things changed?

“It doesn’t.” She answers. “But I have to say it out loud, for your sake.”

He winces and smiles- she doesn’t address why she has to say it. But she knows why- he can see it in her eyes. It’s because of that stubborn strand of hope, the one he’s never been able to fully kill. The tiny, ugly part of him that still wants her. Wants her to leave Taehyung and choose him. And it’s the part of him he hates most. That ugly, ugly hope is why things got so messy. Things can never truly go back to normal while he is harbouring this awful longing.

“Hit me with it, then.” He says lightly, trying to cover the mortification and shame filling him with a joking tone. He squeezes his eyes shut and raises his arms like she’s got a gun pointed at him, bracing himself for the words that will finally end everything.

They never come- instead, he flinches as he feels her arms wrap around his middle. She’s warm and her height is such that he can comfortably rest his chin on the crown of her head if he so chooses. But he doesn’t- instead his arms fall limply by his side and he feels a searing pain deep in his chest.

“Thank you, Jungkook.” She says, and her voice is muffled by the soft fabric of his hoodie. “Thank you for loving me, for so long. Thank you for valuing me so much that you went through all this pain to make me happy. And thank you for being willing to stay my friend after all of this.”

She probably knows he’s crying. She can feel the way he sniffs to avoid getting snot in her hair. Her arms tighten around his middle and to his surprise, he realises the front of his hoodie is damp as well. She’s crying too.

“I love Taehyung.” She confesses softly. “Maybe, in another universe, it could have been you and me. But I love him, and I want to marry him. I’m so sorry, Jungkook.”

Jungkook nods and presses his lips together. Slowly, he raises his arms, which had been dangling pathetically at his sides and wraps his arms around her tiny frame. It’s strange, how it can feel so right having her in his arms, despite everything. How Minah feels like she belongs there, like she is made to be in his arms.

But she isn’t. And she doesn’t belong there. She belongs with Taehyung. It hurts. It hurts so much but at the same time the realisation is peaceful. He had always assumed her rejection would kill him. That he would finally succumb to the Hanahaki if she ever killed that stupid flame of hope he was never able to extinguish on his own. Namjoon, in all their sessions, has addressed that stubborn hope before, but Jungkook has always dismissed it. But it feels good to finally address it- to finally lay it to rest like it should have been when Minah and Taehyung first started dating. He feels… clear. He inhales deeply and slowly and feels like the breath reaches all the way to the tips of his fingers and toes. Minah pulls away and steps back and rather than miss her warmth… he feels refreshed. Like swimming in a clear pool on a warm summer’s day. He blinks a few times wonderingly and thinks of you, for some reason. When you pull away from a hug, he always feels cold after, like you’ve sapped the warmth from his body with your absence. Oddly, he does not miss Minah’s warmth like he expects to, but he always finds himself missing yours.

“Are you… are you going to be ok?” She asks tentatively. He smiles and it’s not the sad smile from before, or a placating smile to comfort his despairing friends. This time it’s a genuine, warm smile and even Minah notices the difference as she beams back at him.

“I think I will be.” He admits. “Thank you, Minah.”

She nods and then her smile turns oddly coy.

“Oh, and Kook, about your boss…” She starts. His heart leaps into his throat and he’s so surprised at the sudden mention of you that he abruptly breaks into a coughing fit. When he recovers Minah is flat out grinning. “Actually, never mind. I’ll see you later, Kookie.”

She tosses one last word of farewell in as she leaves him- “Tell Seri I said thank you.”

He doesn’t have the foggiest idea what Minah means or why she wants him to thank Seri of all people, but she’s already out of earshot before he can ask her. With a sigh, he shakes his head and sets off towards his car, whistling a tune cheerfully as he goes.

His apartment door is unlocked. Jungkook distinctly remembers locking it before leaving- he had dropped his keys in the process, and he remembers grumbling to himself as he crouched to pick them up. So, it’s weird that his door is suddenly unlocked. The main offenders would likely be Minah and Taehyung considering they are the only ones who know where he hides his spare key. But he’s just come from meeting them so it’s strange that they would barge into his apartment so soon after such a heartfelt conversation. The only other option is that someone has broken in, which is honestly the last thing he needs after the day he’s just had.

Still, he carefully opens the door and slips inside the entrance hallway and grabs the broomstick resting next to the door for good measure. Wrapping both hands around it like a golf club, he edges through his apartment- he can hear the definite sounds of someone rummaging around in the kitchen. Steeling himself for the inevitable confrontation, he tightens his grip on his broomstick. He charges forward with a loud shout, ready to beat the intruder with his broomstick.

Only to stop mid-shout. The broom stills in its downward swing and you are flinching with your arms thrown protectively over your head. In the long moment it takes him to understand what is happening, he registers the pleasant smell of dinner cooking on his stovetop. The broom clatters to the floor beside you as his grip loosens in surprise.

“(Y/N)?” He asks aloud and you unravel your arms and glare at him owlishly.

“A broomstick? Really?” You say, unimpressed. “At least use something that can cause damage, like a baseball bat or something.”

He frowns at you.

“I don’t play baseball! What are you doing here?” He demands. You blink as you seem to recall your location and you smile sheepishly.

“Well, I was making you dinner.” You admit, gesturing to evidence of your activity around the kitchen- a chopping board and a knife sits on the kitchen counter, and the sink is piled with dirty dishes. The oven is on and baking something sweet smelling and the saucepan bubbles on the stove. You’re making a feast.

“Why?” He blurts stupidly. It is not lost on him, that this is your first face-to-face meeting after your fight and subsequent Hanahaki episode but honestly anything he could have or wanted to say has abruptly fled from his mind thanks to the sheer surprise of having you in his apartment. You make him stupid. You wince and look away, flustered.

“Well, Seri called me, and she said that you…” You swallow nervously and meet his gaze and the tentative way in which you do so is oddly endearing. “She said you’d told Minah and Taehyung everything. So I thought I’d make you dinner cause I knew it would probably have been a rough time for you.”

He feels something in his chest soften at your explanation. Is he really surprised, that despite the current state of your relationship you had still rushed over to make him a warm dinner? Of course, you’d do something thoughtful and sweet after everything that has happened between the two of you. That’s just who you are.

“So, you’re not mad, anymore?” He blurts. “About how I acted?”

You shake your head and turn your attention back to the stove top. He can’t see your expression like this, but he can see the way your shoulders are hunched in discomfort.

“I don’t think I ever was mad. I know why you acted the way that you did.” You admit after a long silence. “I… I was embarrassed. That you didn’t like me. I was hurt because it was a pretty clear rejection. I just didn’t realise that was why I was upset until I threw up.”

Your words hover awkwardly in the air between the two of you. There’s so much to say, and yet he’s at a loss for words. How can he even begin to address this situation?

“I’m sorry.” You both say at the same time. It’s almost eerie, how you say it in perfect tandem with each other, but it’s also baffling to him why you are saying sorry. You take his confused silence as a chance to explain yourself.

“I’m sorry for being sick.” You say. You don’t turn away from where you’re stirring the sauce a little too aggressively. “I’m sorry for avoiding you. It probably wasn’t the best way to handle this situation. But I didn’t want to face you because I knew you didn’t feel the same way and I couldn’t handle the humiliation. Still… this sickness is not something you can control. I knew that before, but I especially know it now. You… you must have been so terrified. I know how much you hate hurting other people and I know it must have driven you crazy to think that you were hurting me, but it’s not your fault. And I’m sorry it took me two weeks to be able to say it, but I-“

Your spiel is cut off by him wrapping his arms forcefully around you and pulling you into a tight embrace. The fact that you even feel the need to apologise it ridiculous. Why should you apologise to him, of all people, for something out of your control? If anything, he should be thanking you, for seeing enough good in him to feel such a way about him. But your baffling apology helps him to realise something. Earlier, Minah’s rejection should have killed him. He should be in hospital right now- if she had done the same thing at her engagement party, he knows he wouldn’t have survived. Even just seeing her in a wedding dress managed to trigger the worst episode of his life and yet her rejection hadn’t elicited so much as a cough from him. And the reason it didn’t is because of you. From the moment you stepped into that bathroom and saw the petals scattered everywhere, you’ve been changing him. Because you’re the kind of person whose first instinct was to help him when you could have just walked away and saved yourself the trouble. The safety he feels with you, the warmth, the security, the kindness you have showered him with- somehow without him noticing those things became like glue piecing his shattered heart back together and that’s how he was able to walk away from Minah with his heart intact. Though she had the power to tear him down, your ability to hold him together is stronger.

“Why would you apologise?” He gasps. You’ve changed him. He doesn’t know how or why or when but he’s different to the person who chose to avoid treatment and suffer alone 12 months ago. Because of you. “You should be mad! You should hate me! How can you be making me dinner, after everything that’s happened?”

You freeze, in his arms, and then offer a tentative shrug.

“How could I ever hate you, Jungkook?” You ask softly.

In that moment, Jungkook has an unbelievably selfish thought. He knows you’re sick with Hanahaki because of him, and that you’re getting treatment, but he has the sudden thought that it would be nice if you didn’t get treatment. Not because he wants you to be sick… but because it means that you would continue to love him. Maybe you could even wait for him, to love you back. In that moment there is no Minah and no Taehyung and no Hanahaki. Just you. In his arms where he thinks it might be nice if you decided you belong.

“Wait for me.” He pleas softly against your skin. He’s quiet enough that you don’t hear his request. He hopes that even though you don’t hear it, that it’s a request you’ll carry with you, where he’s breathed it into your skin. But it’s not something he’ll ask of you out loud. Not yet, at least.

He has a lot of work to do before he deserves to ask you that.

#jungkook x reader #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jeon jungkook x reader #btsboulangerie #writing

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