#got a like on this post from 1.5 years ago god bless

[blkgirl-writing]

Hi, I saw your smut requests post and was wondering if you could write one about touch starved Gale finally being alone with reader/Tav and getting his satisfaction? (Yeah, I got inspired by your nsfw headcanons about him, how could you tell?) Please and thank you!

PS Can I be 🧀 anon?

What happened at the moon lit pond

Gale X Fem!Reader

Baldurs gate 3

It’s been, probably three years since I’ve written a full fanfic? I’ll admit I’m probably a little rusty. Thank y’all for hanging in, and I hope this fulfills our nerdy wizard boy needs. thank you so much 🧀 anon for the request! I hope you stay and request some more.

Important tags: lots of pining, some angst (no sad ending), smutty (male and female Masterbation, male giving female oral), spoilers for gales mid game story, romance, Gale is an anxious mess, The thought of gale brushing his hair from his face got me GOING 😩

Word count: 1.9k

(Part 1.5 HERE) (PART 2 HERE)

(Gale headcanons that inspired this here)

-

Gale didn’t know how to handle these new feelings for you. He makes a fool of himself everyday, it seems. He always offers you a slice of his bread, even if you gave your own, he saves some of his own morning coffee for you, since he wakes up earlier, and even warm it up for you with a spell.

He simply wanted you to like him. That would be all he needed, but anything else that may follow that would be a true blessing. Gale wanted nothing more than to make you laugh, to see your smile and know he was the reason why, to camp and be the first and last person you’d speak to before sleep.

Gale wouldn’t let his mind wander much past that, or he tried to not let it. The occasional dream would slip through where you were his, and he was yours. It simply put him in panic mode In the waking hours, trying to not be obvious, scared you’d find out, what exactly? He wasn’t sure. You were too kind to break his heart so effortlessly, like he feared you would.

Endless scenarios danced in gales head of rejection, humiliation, and what would happen if he let himself go, life he was tasked to do. It wouldn’t take much, to convince him to live. Friendship, a place to call home, even if it was ever moving. Company he could entrust his life to. It was all so appealing. Luring him into life, breathing a new passion into his purpose, one he’d lost many years ago, sometime when he was alone for so many years.

Those thoughts seemed to linger on forever, sweeping over his barely conscious brain to awaken him again, rustling him from what could be a good nights rest. Eventually, Gale decided to just get up and go for a walk.

Camp had been set up in one of the most beautiful places any of you had seen. Waterfalls tinted emerald green, sand fine and shimmering in the light, may it be sun or moon. I’m one of those waterfalls, he found you.

Waist deep in the pond. Skin and hair dripping wet, shining more than usual water would, adding a silver glow to the night. You looked better than a goddess could ever imagine, and still, his eyes never dipped below you shoulders, even though he deeply wanted to look lower. Instead, he stood there, looking like a fucking idiot, gods know how long. Maybe a tree branch snapped, or maybe you finally snapped out of your trance, but your head whipped in his direction, eyes darting across the small beach, only relaxing when you realize only gale stands before you.

“Oh, Gale, it’s just you…” you let out a deep, jagged breath, the anxiety flowing out of your body just as quickly as it racked through it.

“Just? Are you disappointed?” Gale smirked, although his heart raced in his chest, one word and he'd sulk back to camp, but gods he wanted to stay and spend the whole night with you under the stars.

“Far from it, really. I was just thinking about how much you’d enjoy this view if you were here” you tore your eyes away from Gale, focusing on the stars. “I thought it may remind you of waterdeep. You paint a very beautiful picture of home.”

“I can think of a few things much, much more beautiful than Waterdeep,” his voice low, raspier than usual. Easily explained away from the lack of sleep or old sleeping bags, not for what it really was. Deep yearning, wanting, needing.

“I’d love to see them someday, then.”

“We’ll just have to get you a mirror, then,” “All the beauty in the world would reflct

"Gale, I-" You finally looked into his eyes, he wore his heart on his sleeve, at least for a moment. Those puppy eyes, dark bust glistening in the full moonlight, his hair messy from turning in his sleep, he wanted you, in many more ways than one. Gale's emotions could never be that simple, of course.

"Well," you walked towards him, water inching lower and lower, revealing more and more of your body, yet gales eyes stayed on yours. "Why don't you join me for a swim. It's a beautiful night."

"an offer I could not refuse." Gale's face was plastered with that cocky smile, the one that could melt anyone into a puddle in seconds.

He might have been a gentleman and kept his eyes upwards, but you were not so much, Gale untied his robes, gods why were there so many damn layers? It was quite a sight, his little mannerisms that showed more of him to you than he had shown to you. He was nervous, his fingers missing the simple ties frequently, he got annoyed by his hair getting in his eyes, a grimace appearing before he swept his hair behind his ear.

Your eyes lingered on his circle smoke tattoo, his toned arms, his downright massive hands. he was more tan than you realized, To be fair, he's always covered in those loose robes, leaving you to wonder what was underneath. You were more than happy to finally be finding out. But not below the waist.

"Isn't it a bit cold to be this naked?"

"The water is warmer than the air, I promise." You extended a hand out to Gale, even though he was feet away from you. "Come on, Gale from Waterdeep being afraid of some cold water? Sounds redundant."

"You got me there." He finally stepped into the glimmering pond surrounded by rocks and sand, enough to have your own little corner, to lessen the echo if it was needed. The whole camp didn't need to know all of your business. It must've been a magical lake, as both you and Gale noted separately. Unnaturally still, even when you moved freely, small glowing lights pooled at your sides, occasionally bubbling into the air once you leaned against a large, bright rock.

"May I ask what you were doing out here at this hour?" Gale spoke, still much further away from you than he wanted to be,

"Can I not take a mid-night swim?" You raised your brows in a questioning glance his way "A woman needs time to herself. These days and nights have been very stressful."

Gales very audible oh, slipped through the silence. "You don't have to relax alone." His eyes finally gave in to the need, scanning your body with a low moan slipping past his lips. His excitement was immediate, brushing against your lower stomach all the way past your navel.

"You've wanted this." You stated, brushing your hand against his thigh.

"There's plenty of magic around us, I want the Gale right in front of me." You dared to inch even closer, his thigh fully slipping between yours, inches away from touching your pussy. His hands floated inches from your waist, "Let me give you everything"

"Give me everything" With that, Gale's hand grabbed your waist, gently guiding you onto his thigh, motioning your hips down and swaying only him. The sensation sent sparks flying through his body, you were right in front of him, completely bare and rocking with pleasure onto him. Better than any dream he'd thought up, any fantasy that ran through his head even at the most inappropriate of times. Yes even during the throws of battle. Even in hard times like that, he was so drawn to you.

Gales other hand came up to your jawline, tilting your head so he could latch his mouth around your neck. Deep marks left behind while he inches his way in hickeys up your neck, jaw, and finally to your lips. Any semblance of anonymity flew out the window, not a single person could miss what he gave you, artfully placed dark spots painting your skin. "I have never seen such a beautiful being in my life"

"I could say the same about you gale," You said betwixt breathy moans, picking up the pace of your grinding hips against his thigh, his hand on your waist moving between a tight grip on your ass, and a light but so effective caress of your clit. Every time you got so close, his fingers moved, he was teasing you. His cocky smirk felt even through his kiss.

"I want you to come on my mouth." As if he was reading your slightly frustrated thoughts, "I want to taste you in my dreams."

All you could manage was a frantic nod, a mumbled yes, and shakily hoisting yourself up onto a rock that was perfect for gales pretty head to be between your thighs. Gale pushed your thighs apart with one hand, which stayed firmly grabbing onto you. The other sneaked up your thigh, tracing patterns along your skin. "Gale, please," you whispered out of pure desperation. The only warmth coming from your feet still in the water, otherwise your skin exposed to the biting air.

"All you had to do was ask, my lady" Gales fingers easily slid into you, curling up and pumping in and out, while he leaned into your pussy, maintaining eye contact as he placed one kiss just to the right of where you needed him to be. All he needed was to be touched, to touch you. Your legs wrapped around him to get Gale even closer, urging him closer.

"Touch yourself" Barely a whisper, but Gale caught it, and certainly didn't need to be told twice. Secretly, he could cum from this alone, your taste, how soft you were, how loud you could get. It was more than enough to orgasm right there with you, however, that is not exactly how he wanted your first sexual experience to go. His hand clutching your thigh came to his cock, rubbing much faster and harder than he was fingering you. he was eager. He wanted this to last forever, he wanted you to cum again and again and again into his mouth. He wanted his face even more dripping from your juices.

"Gale I can't hold it-" You nearly screamed, his tongue swirling and sucking, lightly biting, it was almost too much. Then, he moaned. A loud, deep moan and that was it. Vibrations running through your body from his mouth. there noise that left your mouth could've been heard across Baldurs gate, you silently thanked this magical pound for being so secluded, as you would be borderline embarrassed if people heard. Gales didn't come back up for hair until he was sure you were finished, getting every last drop of you.

"You certainly are loud" Gales tone was so smug it almost made you laugh. You gripped onto his shoulders as he swept you down from the perch, pressing his whole body to yours. After all that, after her definitely came, he was still so hard, and so pressed against you that you couldn't help but gasp. "I want to hear that again."

"Hear what, exactly?" you teased, lifting a finger to trace his chest.

"To hear you cum," his lips dipped down to your ear, slightly nibbling on it, before he rasped "and to feel you on my cock."

-

Part two, here

(Requests Open)

#x reader #smut #gale of waterdeep #gale dekarios #gale bg3 #gale x tav #gale x reader #gale x reader smut #gale smut #gale of waterdeep smut #gale dekarios smut #gale dekarios x reader #baldurs gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 smut #baldurs gate 3 x reader #tav #requests open #astarion x reader

[papairaart]

twofold thoughts from guy who worked on it (me)

warning for spoilers and pretty extensive discussion about parental death

on february 14th of 2023 i suddenly and abruptly lost my dev twitter account.

everyone who was following my socials back then knows this. i repeatedly tried to appeal its suspension to no avail; papaira_x is just gone forever. what not a lot of people know though is that i probably would have never worked on twofold had that not happened. when i went to its associated e-mail to see why i got bonked, i found another e-mail about a pending message request from theo about how they wanted to hire me to do scripting for twofold. twitter never notified me about it; it was from a few weeks ago.

i panicked hard for multiple reasons. for one, i had no idea how to get back to them and i needed that money. for two, i had never been hired for a scripting job in my life. i could see why i had been scouted—three lilies and their ghost stories, which had been released the month prior, had some of the most active cinematography i had ever done then—but to be doing something other than artwork under someone else's supervision made me panic, just a little. what if i failed to meet their expectations?

eventually, arimia managed to get me in contact with theo (god bless her) and it was finally settled: i was going to work on twofold. i learned only post-release that had that all not happened caps and theo were just going to be resigned to caps doing the rest of the scripting because i hadn't responded, which was painful to hear for a reason you are about to see.

i was hired to script ~75k words of twofold's ~151k. the rate of completion was to be at least 1 scene a week to meet the deadline of a fall release. as you can see, i met this deadline, and even finished the large christmas script (which i had been alotted more time to complete) earlier than expected (within 1.5 weeks). i was doing this all on top of soundless stuff, other work, family issues, and at one point even the literal flu. it was ultimately not as difficult as i had feared it would be...

...on a technical level.

the majority of my assigned scenes were millie scripts. i had only read the prologue and caprice act 1 scene 1 (the internal name for the pizza party at the start of her route) prior to my start date for studying purposes, so i had no idea what caprice and millie's conflict was ultimately about. the order in which i worked on millie's scripts (it had been done on the basis of whether or not a scene's sprite assets were all available) gave me a sneaking suspicion that morphed into shock when it finally came out that everything had to do with her late mother.

i have read many visual novels in my life. since i became a fan of the genre in middle school, i've always gravitated towards heavier and more hardcore titles. i have nonchalantly picked up some horrific and nauseating and violent stories that would scare away a lot of people; there aren't many topics that kick my ass thoroughly. but the one thing that will always get me no matter what is grieving for a dead parent.

my father suddenly died when i was 17. not as young as when millie lost her mom, nor as expected. he was simply ripped away from me on an ordinary sunny day because of a heart attack. i said goodbye to him as he went on his way to the store to grab some things, then took a nap, and then when i woke up he was gone.

everything millie went through and felt was exactly how i felt and still feel. you forget their voice and exactly how they looked and the things they used to say, and you lose things that remind you of them and it's like they're dying a second time. i had an episode at the funeral because i couldn't recognize a lot of the people who came and after the service they were talking and smiling and eating like my father didn't just die. it was like i was the only one who cared he was gone. i would lash out at the world for years after and struggle to regulate my emotions. i am very lucky that i was in a position where i could not find a way to abuse substances underage.

there were times where i had to stop and step away, then there were times where i breezed through a scene because i understood. i'm very proud of the scene where millie shows olive her "train set" in particular, so much so that said train became the focus of my guest art. perhaps it's because the location i associate with my father, his backyard, is no longer accessible to me. (speaking of the guest art, i actually started and finished it a day after i was asked if i wanted to contribute a piece, but handed it over months later because i was embarrassed...)

this is all not to say it was wrong for salty salty studios to hire me without warning me. i'm not at all mad about it; i'm glad i got to channel my grief into millie. it's not like i'm often upfront about this anyways. people know me for making my very first public release a violent cult abuse story, so it's probably assumed that a much more down-to-earth story like twofold isn't gonna really make a dent in the guy who loves subarashiki hibi and full metal daemon muramasa. besides, i'm the type of person who appreciates a good cry because tears tend to just get stuck inside of me.

i love twofold a lot and i loved working on it. it is the only visual novel i broke my "no rating for things i touched" rule. millie is my little blorbo and she deserves everything ever.

i'll be honest i've been so eloquent and serious up until now but i don't actually know how to finish this post. maybe i will end it on a lighthearted note: if there's one thing i can't forgive it was getting blindsided by perfect circle, i had NO IDEA about this portion of the game, NONE of those assets were in the files during the literal months i was doing the scripting in. imagine my shock when i binged the game in one sitting and it smacked me in the face. i literally got fucking trolled.

i had a cookie cake for my birthday cake last year.

#i am on my period and got hit with insomnia and had a bad night last night #this is MY emotional support 3 am dump about twofold #twofold vn #twofold

[poipoipoi-2016]

So you’ve decided you want to walk across the Grand Canyon

@dwelling-abode​ pinged me, and I ranted enough I’m just going to make this a post

3 parts: 

The Hike itself and why it sucks

The warnings

The walkthrough

The gear you’re going to use to make it suck less and also not die

The fitness you need to be in to not die

I apologize to all the mobile people for whom this is a wall of text.  

The hike:

Two variations: 

1) Rim-to-Rim aka North Kaibab to Bright Angel.  I did this.  1 day down, 2 days up.  

2) South Kaibab to Bright Angel off the South Rim

First thing you should notice: There is no water on South Kaibab.  There is no purified water source between Cottonwood and Bright Angel (Well, er, Phantom Ranch) which is the longest, hottest, most exposed portion of the trip.  You are coming up Bright Angel.  

The other thing you should notice: 1000 feet is 600 miles, this is the rough equivalent weather-wise of walking from Calgary to Phoenix to Minneapolis.  On a good day, your downhill day has a 60 degree temperature differential.  

This in turn enforces a very hard cutoff in terms of when it’s physically possible to do this, namely about 2 weeks in early October when the North Rim is open and it *might* not be 100+ degrees at the bottom.  Key word might.  I did it on the last possible day (No seriously, I flew my grandmother out to spend 4 days driving the car around), and it was 92.  

If you’ve never done serious exertion, 55 is t-shirt weather, I mean this.  

If you do it in June/July/August/early September, you will die.   There is no safe way to do this (Read: Any) level of physical activity in the desert in those temps.  

So let’s walkthrough the hike. 

The first mile and a half down to Supai is a boring series of switchbacks down through a pine forest.  Poor visibility because of the trees, boring yellow/grey rock, just do it.  Weather-wise, it went from 30 to 60 in the space of about 2 hours, if you brought a jacket, it’s in the backpack by now.  

Then you get to the tunnel.  If your less... energetic... companions want to come down a little bit, this is the spot they gawk and turn around.  There is a water supply, but it was covered in wasps, so don’t count on it running.  Probably 60-90 minutes down, 2-3 hours back up.  

The rock turns red, the pines get replaced by high desert scrub, it’s really the first open view of the next few miles of the hike and the light’s come around *just* far enough that it’s down into the canyon, but it’s still good light.  

Broadly speaking, you’re switchbacking down the left wall to the bridge, over the bridge, then down the right wall until you hit the bottom of that far wall.  

About halfway down, the red rock converts into the red-gray rock, and the trail becomes a dynamited cut into the sheer rock wall.  If you’re afraid of heights... enjoy!  Seriously, it’s freaky.  There is a tree in this picture.  

It’s another 15-20 degrees hotter (80... It was 30 4 hours and 3000 feet ago), and the sheer rock walls largely conceal the transition from the pictured scrub to actual desert.  

At Roaring Springs, the red rock ends and you get this off-green shale in eroded piles.  The trail flattens out, opens up, and goes another half mile down to the pumphouse.  This was my first working water supply!  It is 11:37AM.  I have been walking for 4.5 hours, 6 miles, and I have another 8 hot, flat miles to go.  

At this point, you merge with Bright Angel Creek.  This is the worst part of the trip.  ~5 miles of open terrain through the desert on a hot, hot day.   Another mile up is Cottonwood, the last water supply until Phantom.  Drain your water now, and refill completely.   Drink, drink, drink.  

About 2 miles up is the Ribbon Falls side trail.  Unfortunately, the bridge was out and I really did not feel like going up to the ford, fording the creek and doubling back while carrying this much gear.  This was a good choice, since I barely made it by dark.  In October, I doubt it’s really running tbh.  

So 5 miles rambling through the desert as the red side cliffs get higher and higher, you get lower and lower, and the day gets hotter and hotter. 

And finally, at last, 11 miles of walking in, you hit the box canyon.  Blessed shade.  3 miles of increasingly tired cornering later, there’s a side hike to Phantom Overlook, 1000 feet straight up, but I was running out of both light and leg strength, so I passed on this.  If you’re coming down South Kaibab, you have 5-6 hours to kill, so go explore the box canyon.  It’s seriously cool, and you’ll never be back here again.  

Go to Phantom Ranch or Bright Angel Campground, check in, drop your bags, run run run down to the river for sunset at the black bridge.  Stay there until dark, then use your headlamp to get back.  

Variant: There’s a variant I’d love to do where I manage to get Cottonwood permits as well, and then do both Ribbon Falls and Phantom Overlook as Day 2 with some more time at Phantom Ranch.  That’s about 7 down slow on the first day, a relaxing early sleep, ~11 (and ~4000 feet of elevation gain/loss nervous_monkey_puppet.jpg) on Day 2, then 2 easy 9-mile days on the climb with dead legs.  

Note: I stayed in the cabins and got 2 hours of sleep.  Preferably, you should just do Bright Angel Campground.  Lows of 70 are perfectly fine for sleeping.  

Day 2:

Wake up.  Walk down to the river, cross... either of the bridges are fine really, black bridge is a slight detour, but ideally this is a short day, adding a mile won’t hurt.  I must admit to being moderately curious about the south side trail from black to gray bridge.  

Two miles running up and along a cliffside trail to the base of Polk Creek. 

Looks like this, that’s a cell phone camera, enjoy.  

You’re still pretty low, but also desert morning, shade, and the river being a giant heatsink.  Then you start the climb out. 1500 feet up to Indian Garden, probably 80% of that climb is a 2-mile stretch of switchbacks.  Lovely red and yellow rock.   

The last mile or two before the campground are flat, exposed to the sun, and still low enough it’s hot hot hot.  80′s are expected.  

And then you finally get to the campground (Trees, shade, toilets, first actual real water supply since Phantom!).  At this point, either:

1) Congrats, you have a campground!  Set up camp, rest, relax, maybe make a Plateau Point (2 miles, 1 hour each way, perfectly flat the whole way) run.  

2) If you’re really fast and have 2 hours/4 miles of buffer in your legs (Iffy, 14 mile day up a 4400 foot cliff), also make a Plateau Point run.  It’s not very pretty at 2:00 in the afternoon, so really don’t feel bad for skipping.  

3) Stare in sheer horror at the 3000 foot cliff that has finally become visible in front of you, and cry inside.  

You are a third of the way up.  

I wasn’t feeling so good, so I went to bed early.  The sun goes down at 6:00 by the way, and it’s so dark you’ll just conk out.  

Day 3: 

So I woke up at 4AM, made a sunrise Plateau Point run (DO THIS) with my tripod, and then headed back.  Packed up the campground, started up about 9:00 or so?  

This is ideal.  You’re headed right up the middle of a crack in the rock, and if you do it this way, you’re making the climb in 60 degree weather in the shade pretty much until the top.  If you took Option #2 or #3 yesterday, the sun comes around, and you’re doing the climb in 75 degree weather in the sun.  

There’s not really much here.  It is exactly a 5 mile, 3000 foot climb with 2 intermediate water supplies split every 1000 feet on 2/1.5/1.5 mile splits.  3 mile resthouse has a decent view.  The most exciting thing past that is the red/yellow line in the rock, and if you do this early enough, the sun will be on that wall.  This took me about 4.5 hours.  

The hike until now has been a 2.5-day test of your ankles.  Downhill, uneven ground, drop-offs, etc.  This is a sheer test of your quad strength and cardio.  Especially as you get closer to 8K feet.  “Officially”, I burned 6200, 4300, 6200 calories across the 3 days.  

The most encouraging thing is seeing the increasingly “tourist” nature of your hiking companions since the serious hikers have proper gear and the less serious ones... do not.  So if you’re watching some little 4 year old kid in Converse, you’re probably not *that* far from the top.  

At the top, stay as close to the Rim as possible.  My ankle gave out the second I got to the top, and I had to hobble half a mile to my hotel.  God help me if there was a shuttle ride or a longer walk.  

Shower, relax, massage some feeling back into your feet, change clothing if you brought extra, THEN meet up with your family members.  And then I was bored, so for sunset, I went around and grabbed this shot of the trail.  

Gear that will keep you from death: 

Satellite comms: 

Garmin satellite comms ($350 for the Inreach Mini + more $$$$ for the actual plan) https://www.rei.com/product/140110/garmin-inreach-mini-2-way-satellite-communicator

I upgraded to the good plan that lets you send infinite random texts (~10 minute delay), and didn’t regret it.  But you need a Panic button that works.  There’s pretty good connectivity, you don’t need one of the $1000 beacons they use in slot canyons, and the cheaper competitors don’t.... actually work.  

Invest in a Garmin.  Set it up.  TEST IT BEFORE YOU LEAVE.  Make sure your relatives know how to contact you over the satellite comms, and that your texts will arrive from some random number.  

Hiking gear: 

Fitted Backpack with both good chest and hip straps and an internal support structure ($2-400)

I’ve been ecstatically happy with my 70L Osprey (Aether?), I also have a 24-inch torso.  

They make different ones for men and women, because the men’s ones put the chest strap straight across the nipples.  You actually care about that.  

Carbon Fiber Hiking Poles tested and fitted ($300)

Get you down steps, get you across rivers, provide support on pushes up, get weight off the ankles.  

Protip: 5cm too long on downhills, 5cm too short on uphills.  

Good boots/shoes ($150-$300)

There’s an inherent tradeoff between ankle support and weight in the boots.  Personally, for a through-hiker with serious gear, I’d go with mid-rise boots

If you were doing a true Rim-to-Rim, they all use trail runners even when they’re not running it.  

Good Boot Socks

Merino Wool is a must, I really like Darn Tough thick boot socks.  

Moisture-wicking underwear

Merino Wool is acceptable

Carbon Fiber is light, you actually care about every ounce. 

Related: You’re about to spend 3 days in the same clothing, it will smell. Merino at least makes it smell better and handles the moisture acceptably.  

Anti-heat gear:

A good sweat-wicking wide-brim hat with holes in the outer band (The name brand is Tilly for $80, I think mine was about $40?)

Good, tough, not too hot hiking pants ($60/pair?)

Ripping is bad, extra pockets are good.  

I use these, note the water resistance and also two pockets, one per leg, with horizontal zippers so you can reach straight down and things can’t fall out of your pockets.  

Some people use those convertible shorts, I’ve never liked the zippers myself.  

Good moisture-wicking t-shirts, or even better polo shirts ($40)

Polo shirts let you pop your collar and cover your entire neck.  

Moisture-wicking keeps you alive when it’s 95.  

SPEND MONEY.  It’s a $40 t-shirt, you just need one, SPEND THE MONEY. 

Light jacket for cold mornings

Consumables:

At least one water bottle and 1 3L Osprey water bladder

Some form of backup water purification

High-carb, high-calorie-to-weight-or-volume, low-fiber food

6000 calories a day * Fiber in an energy bar...

Personal recc: Nutter Butters.  Easy to find in any mid-sized grocery store, can go a week without going stale, etc, etc.  Throw 2-3 family-sized packs into Ziploc, ration one a day.  

Phantom Ranch has a store, you can buy some more food there.  

They also have an all-you-can-eat breakfast, that’s worth investing in if you’re in the cabins.  

Imodium

Any needed meds.  I have contacts so I needed a little bottle of Boston.  

Camping Gear (Skippable if through-hiking or only staying at Phantom):

Lightest possible self-supporting full-frame tent ($300)

https://www.rei.com/product/110817/rei-co-op-quarter-dome-1-tent

The ground is rocky, you probably can’t pitch

There are scorpions and rats.  If you want to try a tarp, I can’t stop you.  

Sleeping bag + pad

Cold, but not that cold at night

Once again, rocky ground.  

Your permit, in a plastic Ziploc bag.  

Camera Gear: 

Your cell phone is very good these days.  

But fine, it’s a once in a lifetime trip.  

Full-frame or APS-C body

High-MP landscape body if you can do it.  

Lenses

24-105/4 for the day hikes.  (NIkon is 24-120/4)

You want the reach more than you want a 24-70/2.8.  

(Optional) 16-35/2.8 for nights/star shots/wide

Long lenses are heavy.  105 is good enough.  

I brought a full-sized tripod, this was simultaneously super-cool and incredibly stupid.  

Maybe a Platypod instead?

Don’t lose your remote trigger the day before like I did.  

Peak Design Clip.  Seriously, amazing little gadget.  

Misc: 

Wallet (Pull the loose change), keys, etc. 

Paper printouts of your South Rim hotel reservations in a Ziploc bag.  

I brought a change of clothing because Grandma was a couple days behind me, but an extra pair of underwear and socks is probably a good idea.   

Extra batteries.  

I blew out 2 camera batteries and an entire 26K mAh battery over 3 days with a camera, a phone, and satellite comms.  

Fitness that will keep you from death:

Broadly Speaking: 

Ankles/Calves/Feet are stability

Quads are power

Hips and back and chest hold the backpack up 

Mine weighed 35 pounds, this is not nothing. 

Cardio matters at the very end, gets outweighed by stability until then.  

1MPH at 7K feet is 3MPH at sea level basically.  And you can do 3 MPH now.  

Arms kinda sorta show up and help a little bit on the hill climbs?

Pretty much your order of priority is top to bottom.  Ankles giving out is a $10000 helicopter ride and months of rehab, legs giving out is a surprise lunchtime and an hour-long rest sitting on a rock somewhere.  

Ankles: 

BALANCE BALANCE BALANCE, also Lyle’s calf rotation starting about 6 months out, ending 4 just in case you injure something. 

Legs: 

Leg press and one-legged leg press.  Also stairs.  Loaded stairs if possible.   Press it UP!  Press, press, press.  I got up to 700 pounds on an incline press.  

Legs, but also Cardio:

Bring your backpack and wear your hiking boots to the gym, take a treadmill, and go slow and highly angled for a long time.  Speed up as you get better.  You use subtly different muscles when you have ankle protection on because the Achilles is no longer able to act as a spring.  Train them hard now.  

If you’ve got a good hill climb near you, be religious about that.  

There are worse things than finding an ice cream shop 10 miles away, walking there with a fully loaded pack for hours and hours, getting the biggest ice cream they have, and Ubering home.  

Hips/Back/etc: 

Hip hinges with perfect back posture.  Deadlifts wreck the back and risk injury, but rack pulls are perfect.  Load up, load up, load up.  

Other back exercises: Cable rows with perfect back posture, Pulldowns with perfect back posture.  

Arms: 

So you did cable rows, right?  Yeah, that’ll get you some good enough arms.  

-------------------------------

Whatever you end up doing, pause it 2-3 months out.  Avoid injury.  Maintain your lifts, lose 10 pounds, and maybe up the cardio a tad.  

And good luck and enjoy.  

[v-le]

Ktravels / Klife: After a year in korea Final Thoughts

Foreword: Surprise, surprise, procrastination got the best of me for quite some time. But im back. And for the last time. At least for the last time regarding my year-long study abroad experience in Korea. Here lies the last bits and pieces of my heart that left behind such a wondrous lifestyle in such a complex country.

--

I guess this will be the last of my “Korean” writings for a while. I think I kept holding off on this because I didn’t want to solidify the fact that my journey abroad is officially over. I guess even being home and everything still doesn’t make me accept reality. All I can keep thinking these days is that exactly a year ago, I was sitting around every day, waiting for my summer to end & for me to hurry up and end up in Korea & I kept asking myself over and over and over and OVER, ceaselessly: “I wonder how my life will change once I live there. I wonder what my life would be like over there”.

And what’s crazy, is that even though I kept desperately trying to grasp that fact so intensely a year prior to today, I still don’t have the answer as I sit here in this seat. I still don’t think I can properly express what my 10 month-ish experience was like. I feel just as contemplative as I did a year ago.

I think ive been holding off writing this mostly because I don’t even know what to say. Why don’t I have anything to say? Hmm.. or more like, I have so much to say that I don’t even want to begin. Because once I do, and then once I wrap it all up, everything will truly be all over. It’ll solidify the fact that my year abroad is all done for, never to come back to me ever again.

I think my final post of my study abroad IG account, the one I posted every single day for, enclosed my immediate, final thoughts and feelings really well. I mean, I literally wrote that on the plane flying home, sooooo…

Maybe I should start with addressing my goals I set for myself before I left, and how those goals panned out upon my return. Very vaguely, one of my main pursuits was to “become fluent in Korean”. Even to this day, im not exactly sure what that constitutes and by my standards, I don’t really know to what extent I wanted to improve based on that statement…. But, I guess I just really really really wanted to practice communicating more and essentially feel comfortable speaking, reading, writing, and listening in this completely foreign language. And I mean even prior to arriving, I had already known how to read Hangul for like 8 years. So in terms of reading, I just got to practice a looottt and just brush up on my speed & precision, I guess. Listening has also never been too much of a struggle: years of pure absorption and drowning myself in Korean in every form possible has taken me this far, to be quite honest. It was never anything intentional, I just held onto more and more words as the years went by. And quite frankly, I’m pretty damn proud of myself for that. I guess my point is that I unknowingly wanted to focus on improving my writing and speaking. Which sounds a bit futile, because what was the ultimate purpose in expanding on these skills? When I cannot even use them outside of Korea? Hm… I didn’t think that far. I just knew I wanted to improve. Or no, I don’t even think I had any real basis before arriving anyway. I just wanted to get exposed to that side of the language and make some sort of progress. Because I enjoy it that much.

I didn’t even know how to write the strokes of Hangul characters properly. No one had ever taught me. For years, for the small words or phrases I might’ve scribbled down for fun or doodled my notebooks with, I just wrote what I knew, like pictures. I still, to this day, don’t know the proper strokes lol. It kinda makes me feel noob, but o well, ive made it this far nonetheless. In terms of speaking, of course, I had absolutely no background. There had never been a chance to practice this skill… in fact, if there were one, if I did speak Korean at some point before going to Korea, I feel like that would’ve been really weird anyway… I wasn’t learning it formally in a classroom or anything, so if I were to try…. To god-knows-who…… I dunno,  that doesn’t seem right to me. There was just never a proper place and time for me to use any sort of spoken Korean, and that made sense. Because I had such a wide range of “skills” under my belt when it came to this language prior to arriving, none of it was… “official”? None of it was ever proper…..? I am not really sure which word fits best, but the fact that I had known everything I knew at that time from pure Korean media absorption, it bothered me a lot actually.

I wanted to learn formally. I wanted to learn properly. So, I didn’t hesitate to take the intensive Korean language course at Yonsei, one that was 4-6pm every day, Monday-Friday, for the entire semester. What I did hesitate with though, very greatly, and a little regretfully, was the level in which I started learning formal Korean. A part of me is regretful, but I think I know in my heart it was the better decision. Speaking Korean with the teacher on the day of the placement test was probably my first time ever really speaking full sentences aloud to someone else & I can sorta recall it with slight embarrassment. Okay not even slight, like a ton lol I was such a nooooobbbb… I still ammmmm….anyway, based on that day’s tests, the teacher deemed me as able to start in level 2. But I rejected him. I told him I wanted to start at level 1. Because ive never learned properly before, I felt the need to start from the beginning. He told me that level 1 would begin with each Hangul character, pronouncing them one by one, etc. He asked if I’d be okay with going over all of that, and I told him it was fine.

My level 1 class ended up being more of a level 1.5 & we went much faster than all the other classes and didn’t even start with the basics that I was originally warned of. But still, quite frankly, level 1 KLI was butts easy and I didn’t even need to study for anything to do well. For that, im pretty proud of myself. I’m not trying to brag, but I’m actually just very glad that my skills I arrived with were at least up to par enough that I could complete 1 without much struggle. What I was most grateful for was that I got out of KLI was a lot of grammar basics. A lot of these structures I recognized and have probably used on my own before, but I didn’t know the rules properly myself, until I finally learned them in KLI. So really, if I didn’t take level 1, I really think I would’ve lost out on that basic foundation needed for learning more advanced things. Granted, I probably could’ve covered a lot of those things in my own time if I searched for the proper resources and had a stronger motivation. But I never did that by myself. So, I sorttttt offfff, “wasted time” in level 1.

The next semester, level 2, was also not too difficult. Some concepts were definitely a bit more challenging and less intuitive, but nothing impossible to understand. Overall, my semester 2 at Yonsei was when my Korean grew to the heights that I had hoped for. If I improved about 10% during semester 1, then I would say I improved 115% in semester 2. I don’t even know what that means myself, but my point is that I had many many manyyy more real life, application opportunities to use Korean. The biggest factor being my participation in Powers, the badminton team at Yonsei, that semester. Aside from the 2729017 other things that Powers influenced that semester, language was a big thing. At some point, many of my teammates considered me the “American that is really good at Korean”, but like, the over-exaggeration is real. Although one dude consistently talked to me in only English for the longest time, once I met beloved 익안언니, that English-only image of me died and I communicated with everyone else the same way they already communicated with each other: in Korean. I know that sounds….like…. idk, not a really big deal. Like wow good for you, you could communicate in a foreign language with these people. But my biggest deal with it was that if it weren’t for me being in Powers, I would not have practiced speaking or expanded my vocabulary or just LEARNED as much as I have. ESPECIALLY meeting 익안언니 was such a blessing. Although she is from Taiwan, she is a grad student studying Korean language and culture which already implies that she is basically fluent in Korean. And me, knowing absolutely no Chinese but at least having half-assed Korean skills, we only ever communicated in Korean from day 1. Since the day we met, the day she came up to me and asked if I wanted to warm-up with her and asked if I was a foreigner or not, and then revealing that shes actually a foreigner, too. That made us automatically click, because we realized we could both speak without feeling wary of sounding dumb or making mistakes in front of a REAL Korean person. Granted, other teammates always heard a lot of our conversations and sometimes joined in, too. The main point was that speaking Korean in that sense, was the best experience I could’ve asked for. Others may think the most ideal would be, y’know, a real Korean person. But, why be picky when the point is that I got to practice.

By the end of semester two, I had a kinda random idea, fueled by a conversation I had with a KLI classmate. She mentioned how she was studying for the TOPIK 2, the intermediate-advanced Korean fluency test for foreigners, and she decided to take it in Korea versus America because she heard it was easier and the 65th one would be held in Korea while she was there anyway. Upon hearing this, I only vaguely knew about this test, I didn’t think it to be that big of deal, yet in my head I knew I was always impressed with foreigners when they would say something like “yeah I placed level 6 (the highest mark) on the topik”. And so, I looked more into the test myself, and I was like hmm maybe I should try it out myself. 익안언니 mentioned that she actually needed to (re)take it too because her score from her last test is expiring soon. So very last minute, we decided to take it together. It costed money, but that was expected. I debated a lot in the beginning whether or not to take TOPIK 1 or 2, aka easy vs hard, but I decided to just fuck it, I just gotta make sure I study for reals and have more faith in my skills lol.

Im glad I made the right decision. I didn’t study as effectively for the test as I would’ve liked, but I did what I could given my circumstances. I was shooting for level 3. I at least wanted a LEVEL out of the test, not a blank score, which is what would be given if you can’t even manage the minimum level 3 out of the TOPIK 2. That test seriously HURT my brain LOL. As you get towards the end of each section, it gets ridiculously hard and there were 2475830 words I did not understand at all and the mere rows of sentences eventually turned into huge walls of text that filled the paper all the way to the edges  and o gosh, just imagine how brain frying those sorts of exams can be HAHAHAH.

In the end, I placed level 5. I was 8 points away from level 6. I was honestly very shocked and to this day, I think I just owe my score to me doing a good job at guessing correct answers, not my pure skills LOL. But above all else, I definitely underestimated myself. I really wanted to take the TOPIK to assess my Korean skills once and for all, definitively. But even after receiving my score, I still feel lost on how to accurately describe my skills. Does level 5 even cut it? Do I even have the right to call myself level 5? I got it though, right? Having drowned myself in Korean for 8 years & taken level 1 & 2 KLI, I was able to be lowkey fluent, I guess.

That’s pretty damn cool. Im pretty damn proud of myself. And yeah, idk, that’s that. LOL. Im not trying to brag about myself or anything. All of that was purely my journey with the Korean language, particularly in the context of studying abroad in Korea for a year. And in regards to my goal, I think I did a pretty good job. I can write long chunks of text without too much problem, I can speak a good amount, maybe not 100% flawlessly, but I can hold conversations, I can go weeks with only speaking Korean, and I think that’s pretty awesome progress that I made towards my goal. If anything, I may have surpassed my anticipations. Cool. LOL

 Another one of my main goals was to travel outside of Korea. Or not even that, just outside of SEOUL. Because as amazing that city alone is, I also knew that there is sooooo much to explore throughout the rest of the country and even in other nations. For second semester, I went to Tokyo in Japan, Bangkok in Thailand, Taipei and Tainan in Taiwan, and Busan, Jeonju, Jeju-do, and Yeosu in Korea. I was very blessed to travel to 3 other countries and hit a few beautiful areas outside of Seoul in Korea, too. Although it was a tiresome experience, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything else. Balancing school and travels and other commitments was ridiculously tough. Ive repeated this a lot but: all my snaps and ig updates may have looked like fun and games, but the burnout was real. Traveling with friends isn’t all fun and games.

I learned SO MUCH through this experience: planning logistics thoroughly, dealing with money & currency exchanges strategically, balancing school work, moving things around as necessary, utilizing transportation in various different settings in an effective and efficient manner, familiarizing oneself with the GEOGRAPHY of a place (a really important one that I feel people don’t really talk about), researching attractions from different perspectives & using multiple, varied resources, knowing where to go for help, preparing proper lodging accordingly & communicating with hosts/staff, researching FOOD, too. I could go on and on.

But when it comes to traveling, especially while on a budget bc we are broke ass college kids, the amount of proper communication & discussion & preparation with other members of the group that needs to go into it is no joke. It’s not fun and games, it’s making sure that we know what the fuck we’re doing in a foreign environment so that we can explore, see things, get around, eat, and ENJOY our time safely and efficiently.

SO in that sense, I’m also pretty proud of myself & my friends. Special shout out to Sabrina Sooyoung Wong who was my ultimate travel buddy for (almost) everywhere I went. I already miss the amazing time we had together :’(

Continuing where I left off, I have realized that this writing is taking way too long. The day that marks one year since I left for Korea has already passed (August 21st) & I realized that I was gone for exactly 11 months: Aug 21 -  July 21 (w/ a break in bw ofc) bc I literally landed back in America on the 21st of July, not realizing that the day I left was exactly the 21st as well. And my birthday is on the 21st too. Of Sept..:0 that’s whack. ANYWAYYYYYYY…………

What more do I have to say about this trip, hmmmm……. Ive already talked about my growth through the language and through traveling all over the place…These days, ive truly been trying to relive & recall the worries that shrouded my mind a year ago before I left.

I remember so clearly, constantly asking myself “How will my life change once I go and live there? Will I even be able to make any friends?” People around me also kept telling me that I would “HAVE SO MUCH FUNNNN”, but I recall constantly shutting them down and being pessimistic & telling everyone that I “would just be a normal student studying all the time, just in a different country lol” To address all these predeparture worries, I’ll say simply, thinking back on it now: My life changed SO MUCH, that it feels like nothing even happened at all (ik like wtf??? But lemme explain…), I made friends that I know will last a lifetime, and HONESTLY, I worked really hard studying when it came down to it, but I also made sure to have as much fun as I could. I did my best to balance everything (especially 2nd semester..)

So like, how tf could my life have changed so much that it feels unreal? Well, it’s exactly that. My daily life, the way I went about my daily routine, the lifestyle that I honed, the world that I wrapped myself in, the things I did, the food I ate, just about EVERYTHING about my life in Korea was so drastically different than my life in America, that returning home actually just makes it all feel like a dream, as if it were all a lie. My Korean lifestyle and my American lifestyle are incomparable. They are two completely different worlds. And for that…. I….. yes, I miss the Korean one like crazy every day, but that affection and sentiment for what I had makes my experience all the more precious and just… dear to my heart. Oh so dear to my heart, 나의 유학생활…. I think I kept asking myself the “how will it change” question countless times before I left because I was trying to prepare myself, trying to make sure I don’t throw myself off in the heat of it, make sure I stay grounded in the reality of my circumstances. And although nothing could’ve prepared myself enough for all those specific changes in my life, I think I definitely stayed rooted in mindfulness and never lost sight of the privilege I had.

If I look back on my first semester writings, I always repeated the words “thankful” & “grateful”. I really did my everything to remind myself of those feelings. Same goes for the friends that I met. Particularly my first semester gang, my days spent with them were infinitely bright. I feel like we were all so lost in the wonders of Korea (and Taiwan) and the beauty of just being there, spending time together, having valuable conversations, but also some very dumb ones, and really just bathing in the precious company of each other. It is not every day you meet an amazing group of people as the ones I did 1st sem. I gave yall a shoutout before, but thank yall again for taking care of me, the youngest of younglings out there, and making me laugh & smile more than I could ever recall doing with anyone else. Even my blessed friends from 2nd sem too, sooyoung, antony, Vicky, & 익안언니, I could not have imagined what my life would’ve been with them. My point in all of this? I was so worried about “making friends”, but miraculously, luckily, AMAZINGLY, it all worked out in the end. I am so grateful for that. I got close to some frking really cool people, who I still talk to today, who I still think about a lot, whom I owe a lot of myself to. Even if our collective time spent together was not the longest, even if the timespan of my other friendships are significantly more extensive, the friends I made through studying abroad are infinitely valuable and precious to me at the end of the day. Only stunning memories remain. Our friendships wont end there. They only started in Korea, but I have faith that they will transcend timezones and the years to come.

In terms of just balancing LIFE in korea, I can definitely recall many instances where I felt completely overwhelmed and burnt out. Those days were bound to come from the start. There were many days were I lacked a significant amount of sleep because I was so busy, there were days were I felt perpetually stuck & I could never overcome my problems (the things… a foreigner in Korean cannot do without a phone number…. Gg I felt soooooo shitty at that time)… there were also, ofc, days where I felt frustrated with many different people, there were days were I was so stressed out about whether I was doing the right thing (my 2 tutoring gigs…) or if I deserved anything I was receiving…., there were countless days where I studied hard and stressed about academics, as always (but I managed to get all A+’s 2nd sem & im honestly so proud of that…) …there were plenty of days where I would feel Korean societal standards weigh down on me & I felt painfully inclined to fit in in any and every way possible,.. I also struggled with deeper questions about the kind of toxic community Koreans can foster in various contexts (political, nationalism, etc..)… and the biggest of adversities, the one that broke me down the most, and to this day has left me empty & lost… was watching my singer get torn apart and disappear before my eyes.

I have written about this specific topic very extensively in a different piece, and…. It is definitely a pretty heated, passionate, painful piece. I had many many many many things to say about all of it, and I actually still have countless words to say, honestly. For sake of concision, for sake of keeping my sanity in place for at least this piece of text, for the sake of my world that has crumbled apart far too much for me to ever pick myself back up again… I’ll just say… I miss him so much and I pray for the day I can listen to him again. I won’t even be greedy and say “see” him again. I know ive seen him more times than I ever deserved too. But I want to listen to his voice again. In a new light, in a reassuring way. In some form, I want to hear him again… just once at least… please…Knowing him, listening to him for years, holding onto my life with his voice & music… I know that he needs to do music and nothing else. It breaks my heart every day to think about how this light has been lost from him.

One day… one day……….. I pray desperately every day that one day, he will come back to us. Please.

 Its honestly pretty difficult to talk about my hardships during my time in Korea without mentioning that stuff. It has taken such a big toll on me, life became so taxing because of that one situation, that even today I sit here, half a year after it all fell apart, without much improvement on the state of things anyway. But enough of the negative stuff. I hope that’s enough. Despite all the pain & highkey trauma I acquired from it all, I know that at the end of the day I learned valuable lessons and that I am still grateful for every experience nonetheless.

I still wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am today without those tough times, too. It sucks that I lost my light along the way, I lost sight of my world that so ironically always gave me healing when I needed it most.

Another thing I should mention is how I am also very grateful for that fact that I never got sick while in Korea, or just while abroad in general. I usually catch a cold about once a year, even my first year of college, I definitely had that small period of time where I was dead sick from some sort of virus. But not once, did my body ever falter while abroad. It’s ironic because usually being in foreign countries, especially the not-the-most-sanitary ones like Thailand, Taiwan, etc, one would normally be much more susceptible to a stomach bug or heat-related complication or whatever. One would think that my body would be especially vulnerable abroad. But nope. I stayed strong all throughout. I’m pretty damn proud of that too. I tend to take my health for granted, but looking back on it now, I guess I held up pretty well despite all the odds against me.

The most important question I should be asking myself now is… How have I changed since I’ve studied abroad? Some basic changes would be my outer appearance. My makeup has definitely changed, my clothes do not exactly look like the rest of my friends’, and my eyes are sometimes slightly different colored LOL. But, mentally? Emotionally? What has korea done to me? I thought that once I returned from being abroad, I could be this strong, amazing, fearless, bold person. Maybe in some aspects, I do feel that way. But quite frankly, being away from some beloved, close friends for so long has left me more insecure and unsure than I would like to admit.

No part of my confidence has significantly skyrocketed or anything. I am still too much of a pessimist for any of that to be possible. I actually feel kinda reluctant, vulnerable, skeptical… when it comes back to reconnecting with the friends I haven’t seen for over a year. So in this way, Korea has changed me in which I do not know how to reconvene with the life I originally left.

Korea also….. made me fall in love with the “Asian lifestyle”. I say this a lot in person, but I think I genuinely love Asian culture & way of living better than America’s. Especially after coming back & coming to terms with how normalized some illegal stuff are among kids my age are now, I cant vibe with any of that. I know well enough that both cultures have their pros and cons and but I think I can safely say I prefer one over the other. I have grown up in the same exact house and neighborhood my entire life and I very ironically chose to go to a school that mirrors this familiar environment almost perfectly. Therefore, I easily lose sight about what is new, what is enjoyable, what keeps me grounded here.

So to be honest, nothing keeps me grounded in my hometown. Not my parents, not really my hometown friends, nothing special. It’s a fact that I felt more attached to Korea than America. I don’t know. It just ended up that way.

I traveled to and studied there for a year because I felt like my heart belonged there. And after coming back, I think I finally can contest to that statement.

One more thing, as I try to run out of things to say… I dislike K-pop and I wish it wasn’t such a definitive part of Korea itself. I know for a fact that the way in which K-pop has blown up over the years is an inherent loss for Korean culture because now the world has been misguided, misinformed, and misinterpreting Korea as a whole due to K-pop. I hate how, if I were to speak to someone ive never met before about me studying abroad in Korea, they would most likely assume that I like K-pop or make some sort of connection to my experience, with K-pop. That presumption needs to end. I do not relate my experience to K-pop in any way. There was so much outside of that. So like, no, I did not meet so-and-so. No, I did not see that group on the streets. No, I did not go to that concert. I admit I went to plenty of concerts, but those people were basically NO NAMES compared to actual K-pop artists… So please… I wish there was a distance between Kpop & Korea.

I have come to cherish Korean culture way outside of K-pop. Sure, its what exposed me to it all in the beginning, but I very quickly, very NATURALLY, grew out of that mindset & perspective. Sigh. That’s that. A real shame.

I haven’t been able to wrap this up for an entire week now and I think, right before I head back to school for good at UCI, this would be a good time to close it up for good.

What I meant to talk about throughout this entire “final journey” chunk was how studying abroad changed me, and what that might mean for my future.

These days, while ive been lowkey wallowing away at home, avoiding my responsibilities and waiting for everything to come crashing down onto me once I return to Irvine, one of the biggest things ive been really missing is Yeosu. My spontaneous 2 day, 1 night trip to Yeosu with Sabrina was probably one of the best spontaneous adventures I ever chose to do.

Yeosu held some sort of beauty that is so impossible to explain, that pictures don’t even do justice for, and is really just a hidden gem sort of place that I am so so so blessed to have visited and fallen in love with. Even if it was just for two short days, Yeosu treated us SO well. It will forever be one of the best memories I’ve made in Korea, because of all its combined natural beauty, open air, wonderful weather, breathtaking views, exciting and undying street pojangmacha street life, and FOOD! Amazing, home-cooked 한식…..it was really, honestly, great.

Another thing I thought of: I feel like I took so many airplanes that I lost count and I even lost that exhilarating, enthusiastic feeling that used to be associated with taking airplanes at some point. I am not trying to BRAG that I had that sort of privilege, but I just wanted to…. Reminisce on that missing emotion. Now, going through that entire check-in, security, waiting, boarding process feels sooooo draggy, and if anything, even a waste of time….. :( but I at least appreciate airplanes for being able to take me everywhere…

OKAY FOR REALS, last thing im going to address: my current perceptions on sharing my journey abroad with others. If im going to be completely honest, I really hesitate to talk about how I studied in Korea for a year. I am pretty damn paranoid about what people would think of me and I am reluctant to really tell my story because I feel like all of it is very important and special and dear to my heart that it’s not as simple as “yeah, it was chill, I had a great time”. In response to the question of “omg how was it????”, ive literally made a script for myself: “honestly, like my life in korea and my life here in America were so totally different that it feels like it didn’t even happen… it went by so fast and there was so much going on that coming back here feels pretty weird…also, reverse-culture shock is real”

That is the best spiel I can muster up if I were to briefly talk about my experiences abroad. But in reality, I would want to talk about why korea & the Korean language mean so much to me, how grateful I am for all the places and people and things I got to see, how convenient day-to-day life was. And most of all, I would want to address the all the negative things I discovered about Korea. I would want to talk about how for nearly half of my time there, my world was, and still is, crashing down onto me, and how that entire happening has affected my viewpoint of Korean society greatly. I would love to go on about the nuances that make Korea a very toxic social environment, how many aspects that make it well-known and well-received globally also contribute to my disliking for Korea. My experience was so eye-opening. It really was. With all the beauty I discovered along the way, I feel like I faced some extremely terrible shit, too. But of course, as I have been repeating ceaselessly, I am thankful at the end of the day. I always am.

I think at this point, I don’t have much more to say. Despite how much I miss Korea on a daily basis, for now, I think its best to let go of it. I am proud that my daily Instagram will stay as my detailed, thorough testimony to the countless experiences and stories I thought were worth sharing, or remembering at the very least. 286 days. To be exact, I was abroad for 286 days. Not a year exactly, but sorta close. I did my best. I did everything I could. I was independent as I could be, I saw all the things I could see, and I just appreciated it all at the end of the day.

I am really excited to go back one day. It’s at the least the one thing keeping me a little bit optimistic for the future.

잘 있어줘, 한국아. 모든 걸 고마웠다.

#korea #yonsei #klife #study abroad #its officially all over #twas a good run #thank u for everything #to all the ppl that made it worth #am forever grateful

[anabelsbrother]

so I went to see Mamma Mia 2 last Saturday and it was so beautiful it made my entire week. I’m planning to see it again sometime this week but anyway, this happened:

so ofc I got inspired and spent 4 hours listening to the soundtrack of both movies and assigning each song to a Marchetta couple/character so here’s a gratuitous (AND SUPER LONG) post about it:

when I listened to When I Kissed a Teacher my mind went THIS IS A FRANKIE SONG!!!

like imagine her lipsyncing to this in Mr Ortley’s class 

and then actually singing it because duh, it’s Frankie

oh my god I Wonder is defo a Siobhan/Tara/Jimmy song before they leave like

It’s frightening Leaving now // Is that the right thing? I wonder // It scares me But who the hell am I If I don’t even try? // I’m not a coward

imagine Georgie/Sam singing One of Us after they took a break and after Sam fucked things up huh

I saw myself As a concealed attraction // I felt you kept me away From the heat and the action // Just like a child // Stubborn and misconceiving // That’s how I started the show // One of us had to go

ahahahahahah Waterloo is a Will Trombal song I mean

the history nod??? his feelings for Frankie???

I was defeated, you won the war // Waterloo // Promise to love you, for ever more // Waterloo // Couldn’t escape if I wanted to // Waterloo // Knowing my fate is to be with you

Why Did It Have To Be Me is such a fun song???? 

it’s defo one of my faves and it kinda reminds me of Siobhan when I listen to it??? maybe Siobhan in London??

I was so lonesome, I was blue // I couldn’t help it, it had to be you and I // Always thought you knew the reason why // I only wanted a little love affair // Now I can see you are beginning to care // But baby, believe me // It’s better to forget me

it’s such a cheeky song I love it

I Have A Dream is a Justine Kalinsky song bc it’s so pure like her

imagine Tom Mackee strumming his guitar and sing-shout Kisses of Fire after dinner with Tara

Kisses of fire, burning, burning // I’m at the point of no returning // Kisses of fire, sweet devotions // Caught in a land-slide of emotions // I’ve had my share of love affairs but they were nothing compared to this

helloooooooo Andante, Andante is a Tom/Tara 1.5 night stand theme song ok ok ok 

I’m your music // I’m your song // Play me time and time again, And make me strong // Make me sing, make me sound // Andante, Andante // Tread lightly on my ground // Andante, Andante // Oh, please don’t let me down

also that bit about making your fingers soft and light mmhmm 

The Name of the Game is an accurate Georgie song where she sings it to Sam in the beginning of the relationship because she doesn’t know where he stands

I was an impossible case // No one ever could reach me // But I think I can see in your face // There’s a lot you can teach me // So I wanna know // What’s the name of the game? Does it mean anything to you? // What’s the name of the game? Can you feel it the way I do?

I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH

Knowing Me, Knowing You is a difficult song but

We just have to face it // This time we’re through // Breaking up is never easy, I know // But I have to go // Knowing me, knowing you // It’s the best I can do

is about Georgie/Sam after the whole case with The Suit getting pregnant

Angel Eyes is another difficult song?? the first part is so Tara out with the girls and saw Tom with Sarah smh

but I also love this part for Georgie:

Sometimes when I’m lonely I sit and think about him // And it hurts to remember All the good times // When I thought I could never live without him // And I wonder // Does it have to be the same? // Every time when I see him // Will it bring back all the pain?

Mamma Mia is definitely a 4 Horsewomen of the Apocalypse song

Katie @arjuro : “I’m trying to picture them singing Mamma Mia after Tara sees Tom and Sarah together and she’s a bit crushed. And Ned all but almost walks out because he doesn’t do ABBA”

again Dancing Queen is a 4H song but maybe also just Frankie and Siobhan belting it out together

I’ve Been Waiting For You is such a beautiful song I cried buckets in the movie

and also it’s a Mia/Frankie song

I’ll carry you all the way // And you will choose the day // When you’re prepared to greet me // I’ll be a good mum, I swear // You’ll see how much I care // When you meet me

oh god Fernando

imma just put down Fernando as a Tom Finch song bc of the war bit rip

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA My Love, My Life fucking broke me

esp after I assigned it to Nanni Grace re: Joe Mackee

But I know I don’t possess you // With all my heart, God bless you // You will be my love and my life // You’re my one and only

fuck my whole miserable life

Super Trouper !!!! SUPER GREAT SONG, SUPER GREAT SCENE IN THE MOVIE

the first bit could be Justine Skyping in from Prague feeling homesick and wishing every show was the last show

but just the song could be a 4H song with Jimmy and Tom singing SUPA PA TROUP PA PA in the background

consider: live band night turning into ABBA karaoke

the Mackees hollering in the audience

Stani almost losing it in the back because Frankie yet again lied and the Union was now stained with ABBA

actually I also made this with soundtrack from the first movie but this is already too long hahahahhahha also check out this one I did with Katie re: The Sound of Music and Jimmy and Frankie a year ago it’s probably my best work luls

#melina marchetta #saving francesca #the piper's son #mmhc #i had so much fun w this #anyway I LOVE MAMMA MIA

[actualizeme]

This is my 8th day in self-isolation/quarantine. I’me bored out of my mind.

And this is not good for my wallet.

As someone who is currently carless and unemployed, this is not a good time for me to do a run on my money. It’s been 2 weeks since the car accident - where I totaled ANOTHER freaking car. And this one is/was a stunner.

BMW X3 with the works. As in the steering wheel was even heated.

Totaled. Gone. Buh bye.

And this was when I was driving with my son to visit my mother. Knowing it was the last window to visit before a massive shutdown.

THANK GOD, my son had his seatbelt on. He had an abrasion on his neck from the seatbelt. AND, no one from either car went to the hospital. While I hate to say this, it may have been a lifesaver for my mom that we didn’t make it to her. I had thought my cough was done, but it came back and got more serious after our stay in NYC with my amazing friend who was there when my family wasn’t.

It was an awful experience. And the 2nd with my son. 3rd totaled car overall.

And when it happened, the car called BMW support and coordinated with police and emergency response to get help as soon as possible.

We were on the Verrazano Bridge and we had just looked at Manhattan and when the car in front of the one in front of me was stopped...stopping the car in front of me...causing me to slam on my brakes. I slammed of the brakes, screaming, “NO!”

My son and I were ok. The other cars were ok as well.

It’s hard to look at such an accident as a positive, but everyone was ok. And I didn’t bring my cough to my mother.

BTW - my mother is 91, with dementia. She cannot be exposed to any cold, virus, or anything.

So, BMW is coordinating the towing of my car to a collision shop. Mind you that it is Saturday around 6pm. Turns out that 278 East is a restricted highway and you have to be licensed to tow from it.

BMW is not authorized.

That means I have to pay an authorized tower to take the totaled car to a safe location where the BMW tow truck can take it to the BMW of Brooklyn.

While waiting for the tow truck, my son and I are on the side, absolutely freezing. It was about 40 degrees with wind. Somehow, we had remembered to bring our winter jackets (we were coming from Virginia, just a bit warmer than NYC this year). As we waited, I called my LI family to help us. Asking for my brother to come and pick us up.

It was myself and my son alone, stranded on the side of the road.

I was told that he was just back from a vacation, and tired, and why was I coming up at all?

I’ve never felt so rejected in my life.

I’m helpless, less than an hour away from my childhood home - where my brothers still live with my mother - with MY SON!

I blocked my brother.

And so we get to my friend who saved us.

She rarely checks Facebook, and she happened to see my post about the crash. I reach out and my son and I now have a place to stay. Thank god as I was spending the last few $$s I had to see my mother.

So, BMW offers an UBER to any location within 90 miles. They are so accommodating - this is why you go BMW.They are so helpful and calm. I love BMW.

I give BMW my friends address on the UWS of Manhattan. The accident was in Brooklyn. Anyone who is familiar with NYC, you know that it’s about an hour between the two.

We are instructed to leave the towed truck, with the key, at the highway towers location so they can pick it up and take it to BMW. Well, it’s about 6;30 now. This doesn’t mean anything to me just yet.

We call the UBER with the info provided to come pick us up. And we wait outside by the car. And we wait. And wait. Outside. After awhile, we see a starbucks nearby and go in. My poor son is tired, stressed, and trying to comfort me. He saw how poorly my family responded and understood we were at a loss.

After 1.5 hours of waiting, my dear fiend sends a lyft for us. And what happens after we are picked up? The guy who had originally picked up the fare for UBER, then dumped us, calls and is pissed that we had left. I told his to suck it, in so many words - my son was there!

We finally arrive and my godsend of a friend ordered pizza for us and let us use her bed. I’m so blessed to have friends like her.

Now this is where things get tricky.

My son and I love flea markets and vintage things. So, we so that there was an open air flea market open. And it’s a gorgeous day and we need to leasve the apartment.

We go and mill about. My son buys an old short wave radio and I buy an antique coin purse. We are mixing with NYers. We were using hand sanitizer, but not social distancing. Have to give a shout out to the pizza stand there - amazing! I could live on that...stuff!

All the while, I’m coughing.

We go back to my friends and we are having a great time catching up and just enjoying each others company. I can’t help but think about how much I love her and how much I appreciate her. She’s been there for me more than anyone else in my life. A constant. I will always be indebted to her.

OK, so next morning, she’s up and out the door to go to work.

My son and I get up and take our time for the morning. I go to the deli for breakfast and coffee. Needed that jolt of caffeine big time. Now, it’s time to figure out is if I need to stay in NY, can go back to VA, and how to do that.

After trying to figure out different ways to get home - none that need a credit card at pick up or in person - we end up taking a train.

Naturally, I book a good seat for us. Problem is that the train leaves in 30 minutes. We are on the UWS and have to get to Penn Station.

LYFT to the rescue!!

As we race to the car, I’m watching the clock. In the car, I let the driver know we have a train to get to....And we watch the clock....we’re on time...we’re a minute late...we’re 3 minutes late...I check the schedule on amtrak.com and it’s on time - dammit!

We finally arrive and we are running like our lives are on the line.

And we missed it.

I almost started crying. And of course my son tries to calm me down. I can’t imagine my life without my son. He’s my rock more than he should be.

But all is not lost! Amtrak let’s you reschedule, so we got on the next - and last - train to DC. And my son’s father has agreed to pick us up form DC. He always comes thru.

And now. I sit here 2 weeks later, carless and in self-quarantine. Bored out of my mind. Still blocking my brother. Still in awe of my amazing friend.

But honestly, I’ll take this over two weeks ago!

#coronavirus #corona #bored #self-quarantine #covidー19 #survival

[junker-town]

The 5 most fireable NFL coaches this week

Freddie Kitchens could be one-and-done with the Browns.

The Browns are falling apart (again), and that could be it for head coach Freddie Kitchens.

Week 15 was a good one for the NFL’s most embattled coaches. Pat Shurmur’s Giants got Eli Manning a win in what was likely his MetLife Stadium finale. Doug Marrone’s Jaguars found a way to ruin the Raiders’ farewell to Oakland. Jason Garrett and the Cowboys finally got a victory over a team with a winning record to wreck the Rams’ playoff hopes.

Those wins excised them from the list of the top five fireable coaches ... for one week, at least.

Two others weren’t as lucky. Matt Patricia and Freddie Kitchens felt their seats get a few extra BTUs in losses for two of the league’s most cursed franchises. They weren’t alone. A handful of teams saw their priorities flip from “Super Bowl” to “2020 draft” by way of Week 15 losses.

Even so, the brief triumphs of coaches like Shurmur, Marrone, and Garrett pushed a couple of surprising names into this week’s top five. Let’s start our list with two guys who don’t deserve to be fired after a disappointing season, but who could end up under scrutiny anyway.

5. Frank Reich, Colts

Reich’s 2019 has been a roller coaster. He started the season in a low place after Andrew Luck’s sudden retirement. Then he led Indianapolis to the top of the AFC South thanks to a 5-2 start that saw Jacoby Brissett compile a 14:3 TD:INT ratio and make his two-year, $30 million contract extension look like a bargain in the process.

Then Brissett got hurt. So did T.Y. Hilton. And the wheels came off.

Brissett missed just 1.5 games with an MCL sprain, but that was the catalyst behind a 1-6 slump that’s sloughed away the Colts’ playoff hopes. His passer rating has dropped from 99.3 in his first seven games to 79.1 in his last six. At the same time, the once-steady defense has gone from allowing 21.6 points per game to 25.4 — including 103 total points in their last three contests combined.

The nadir came on Monday night as Drew Brees shredded the Colts en route to a 34-7 shellacking. The veteran quarterback also set both the NFL’s all-time passing touchdown record and the single-game completion record (96.7 percent). That beating dropped the Colts’ chances of making the postseason to less than one percent and ensured the franchise’s fourth non-winning season in the past five years.

Reich did an admirable job of holding the Colts together early in the season, but he was always walking a tightrope. A litany of poorly timed injuries threw off that balance and forced Indianapolis down the AFC pecking order. The sudden disintegration of the team’s defense is another concern. While Reich doesn’t deserve to be fired after making the best of a bad situation, this recent slide has done enough to put his team under a microscope moving forward.

4. Anthony Lynn, Chargers

One year ago, Lynn was a legitimate coach of the year candidate. He’d revived the Chargers, producing their first season with double-digit wins since 2009. More impressively, he revitalized Philip Rivers, who had his most productive and efficient NFL season in years.

That set up big expectations for 2019. In true Chargers fashion, Los Angeles has fallen well short of them. Mistakes on both sides of the ball have doomed the club to a 5-9 record and no prayer of a return to the postseason. Lynn’s team ranks fourth in the league in yards gained per play but 20th in scoring offense. His defense is fifth in total yards allowed and just 13th in points given up.

How does that all happen? Because his team has turned the ball over 29 times in 14 games while forcing just 13 turnovers of its own. The Vikings plucked three interceptions and created five fumbles (four lost) in last week’s 39-10 shellacking in LA.

On the plus side, it did give us this delightfully self-aware opening line from Lynn’s postgame presser.

Anthony Lynn at the start of his press conference. “Seven turnovers. We got our asses kicked in all three phases. Any questions?” pic.twitter.com/VgIkARzkAp

— Eric Williams (@eric_d_williams) December 16, 2019

Lynn is undoubtedly a talented coach who should not be axed due to one snakebitten season. He may also be the victim of uncontrollable circumstance in 2020. The Chargers will be moving into a new stadium (after failing to fill their 29,000-seat soccer arena with home fans the past two seasons). They may also be forced to begin their post-Rivers era.

The veteran quarterback has gotten full seasons from wideouts Keenan Allen and Mike Williams in the midst of a breakout from Austin Ekeler, who has proven himself as one of the league’s best pass-catching tailbacks. Despite all this, Rivers has thrown just three more touchdown passes than interceptions (21:18) and has regressed to the middle of the pack among starting QBs. He just turned 38 and will have to make a decision about his future — he’s a free agent next spring.

If he retires and the Chargers leadership wants a fresh start in its new stadium, Lynn could be unfairly fired. And if he is, he’ll immediately become one of the most sought-after candidates on the 2020 hiring carousel.

3. Adam Gase, Jets

Gase, purportedly an offensive genius after stops as a coordinator in Chicago and Denver and three season as the Dolphins’ head coach, has piloted New York to the league’s 28th-best scoring offense. He’s unlikely to finish 2019 with either a 1,000-yard rusher or receiver. His team’s 4.6 yards per play is the worst in the NFL.

What’s more damning than that? The fact his former players have thrived when freed from his influence.

By the way, Drake balling. Tannehill balling. Parker balling. Bell worst season of career. Psst. There’s a commonality

— Jake Ciely (@allinkid) December 15, 2019

This year, several of the skill players from Gase’s Dolphins days level up away from him. Jarvis Landry has averaged a full five more yards per catch this fall than he did with Gase in 2017. Ryan Tannehill has put up MVP-caliber numbers after ascending to the starting QB role in Tennessee. DeVante Parker stayed behind in Miami and is having the best season of his career — one that earned him a four-year, $40 million contract extension.

Meanwhile, Le’Veon Bell is averaging just 3.3 yards per carry and 5.9 yards per target, both career lows. His 87 rushing yards in Week 15 against the Ravens were a season high. Robby Anderson and Jamison Crowder, the team’s top two wideouts, have been better but still trail their career highs in production. The Jets are 5-9 as a result and have lost games to the Bengals, Jaguars, and Dolphins.

Gase has team owner Christopher Johnson’s blessing for a second season in New York. If his past results are any indication, it’ll be the Jets’ fifth straight losing campaign.

2. Matt Patricia, Lions

Detroit hasn’t won a game since before Halloween. The good news for Patricia is that Jeff Driskel and David Blough were his starting quarterbacks for six weeks of that seven-game losing streak.

The bad news is that his defense may not have been good enough to win even with a healthy Matthew Stafford in the lineup. The Lions have given up 495 yards or more in three of their last nine games. They rank 31st in the NFL when it comes to yards allowed and 28th when it comes to opponents’ third-down conversions. They’ve only held foes to fewer than 20 points twice; once when the Chargers couldn’t stop shooting themselves in the feet, and again against an awful Washington team (to whom they still lost).

The team’s prized free agent acquisitions this offseason have been unable to help, but aren’t to blame. Trey Flowers currently has career highs in both sack and pressure rate in his jack-of-all-trades spot along the defensive line. Justin Coleman hasn’t been as efficient as he was in Seattle after being promoted to a larger role in Detroit. Still, he is allowing a sub-60 percent completion rate when targeted, has a career-high 12 pass breakups, and has greatly improved his tackling.

So who’s to blame? While that spinning wheel may eventually land on Patricia, there’s no doubt his embattled unit would have been better had the Detroit not traded away veteran leader Quandre Diggs, who has three interceptions in five games with the Seahawks. He was shipped away back in October, which turned out to effectively be a white flag.

Are the losses of Stafford and Diggs enough of a caveat to justify another year of Patricia? Ownership says yes — they committed to another year of their second-year head coach and general manager Bob Quinn.

Patricia was dealt a bad hand by both the injury gods and his own front office. He’s spent his year trying to bluff through it with Chuck E. Cheese tokens instead of actual money. Unsurprisingly, opposing teams have seen right past him. Now it’ll be up to the front office to supply him with a little extra backup next spring.

1. Freddie Kitchens, Browns

The Browns lost to the Cardinals in Week 15. This, somehow, was not the worst part of Kitchens’ day.

In the 14-point road loss — one that all but eliminated Cleveland from the AFC playoff race — the Browns were completely helpless in the face of (checks notes) Kenyan Drake. The Dolphins castaway scored four touchdowns, after having just one in the first 14 weeks, and also won his first game in 2019. Odell Beckham Jr. turned 13 targets into just 66 yards, while leading wideout Jarvis Landry gained 23 yards on five catches.

It was Landry’s worst performance of an otherwise stellar season and a game where he was outgained by second-string teammate Damion Ratley. He wasn’t shy about expressing his displeasure about Kitchens’ woeful offense either.

#Browns Jarvis Landry voicing some...umm...frustration with Freddie Kitchens. pic.twitter.com/tFtEkHDFyC

— Jon Doss (@JonDoss) December 15, 2019

That confrontation came after Kitchens opted for a field goal on fourth-and-3 from the Arizona 27 in the fourth quarter of a 28-17 game. Austin Seibert missed that 45-yard attempt, and the Browns wouldn’t get any closer than 11 points for the remainder of the game.

Landry didn’t just complain to his first-year head coach. He was one of “multiple” Browns who yelled “come get me” to the Cardinals sideline in a fruitless plea to be freed from the swirling vortex of football misery. Kareem Hunt, playing his first season with Cleveland after his release from the Chiefs, vented about his teammates “taking plays off” in the loss.

Kitchens’ players are unhappy with him and he’s in danger of losing his support from within the locker room. He’ll need to beat the Ravens and Bengals the next two weeks to avoid the Browns’ 12th straight losing season. There aren’t a lot of factors working his in favor, and Sunday’s defeat may be what pushes the franchise to find a more stable barycenter for its galaxy of young stars to revolve around.

[go-redgirl]

Israel Bans Entry to Reps. Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar After Trump’s Tweet

______________________________________________________________________

INDIVIDUALS/COMMENTS/POST:

iznet iznet 2 hours ago VERY GOOD!!! DECISION!! ISRAEL!!!👍👍👍👍👏👏👏👏🇮🇱💙🇮🇱💙🇮🇱💙🇮🇱💙

17

REPLY Double D Double D 3 hours ago I wish they were banned from the USA

41

REPLY View 18 replies Daniel Roberts Daniel Roberts 2 hours ago They shouldn't be allowed back in the United States either.

61

REPLY View 6 replies J Sumrall J Sumrall 2 hours ago Good! You talk trash about me, you aint coming into my house! Its like that sometimes.. respect is earned and these two havent earned shi*!

10

REPLY I love America I love America 3 hours ago Good! We should denie them entry here too.

23

REPLY View 3 replies S Houston S Houston 3 hours ago That’s smart, Omar & Tlaib might have taken over the plane and flew it into a building.

33

REPLY View 14 replies H R H R 2 hours ago looks like Israel created a “tlaib-ban”. sounds like “taliban”

5

REPLY Thomas Decon Thomas Decon 1 hour ago GOOD DEAL ISRAEL!!  NOW DONT LET THEM BACK INTO THE US!!!

6

REPLY MrHandss MrHandss 2 hours ago they shouldn't look at this as being banned, they should look at this as some people doing something.

11

REPLY Yoyo Ball Yoyo Ball 2 hours ago I don't blame Israel, i wouldn't want garbage near my front lawn either. good for them.

45

REPLY View 7 replies Faith Bee Faith Bee 1 hour ago Thank you Israel!  You made a very wise choice.  I'm appalled at the attitudes of those two who call themselves Americans.  Truth be know, they both embarrass true loving Americans.

4

REPLY SEAL TEAMTECH SEAL TEAMTECH 1 hour ago if not for America, Isreal would be an oil field!

3

REPLY Grilled BBQ Grilled BBQ 2 hours ago Oh oh.. I see they both coming after vacay moaning, shrieking, cursing and instigating more hatred.

3

REPLY Rick Cook Rick Cook 3 hours ago (edited) You chose wisely Oh Israel. These are 2 of Americas Finest- when it comes to being hateful & bigoted. What these 2 thugs don't realize yet, is that their stay in MY countries capital city is on life support as well. Less than 1.5 years left of having to be exposed to their litany of vitriol and divisiveness. I wish I got paid $174,000 DOLLARS/yr just to be Trumps nightmare

4

REPLY peckaro 1 peckaro 1 1 hour ago Good now hopefully she goes to the middle east and stays there #sendherhome

3

REPLY Mel K Mel K 1 hour ago Good!, These 2 are trouble makers everywhere they go, let em go to Somalia where they belong! And they should be banned entry in the US too!!!

2

REPLY thegrandfinale2 thegrandfinale2 1 hour ago Kudos to our good friend Israel for standing for what's right.

3

REPLY Ho Lee Phuq Ho Lee Phuq 2 hours ago God Bless President Trump and the USA!  And God Bless Israel

9

REPLY View 3 replies goronpaulpeace goronpaulpeace 3 hours ago this is Priceless they should ban all the other anti Christ people also

6

REPLY Belial Azul Belial Azul 2 hours ago Love it, terrorists should not be allowed anywhere except terrorist states. Your Democratic party with its true colors at last.

9

REPLY View 3 replies Story Time Story Time 57 minutes ago They won't be crying over being banned because they detest Israel and its people and are hoping to see the country fail if the boycotts, divestment and sanctions against Israeli succeed

2

REPLY I eat lefties 4 breakfast I eat lefties 4 breakfast 2 hours ago I may be English but i love Israel and President Trump more every day!!!!!

22

REPLY View 2 replies Ectaki Nodgun Ectaki Nodgun 3 hours ago Absolutely they should be banned

7

REPLY Godisgood Allthetime Godisgood Allthetime 1 hour ago Good! They are bigots.

4

REPLY arthur curry arthur curry 58 minutes ago Maybe we could get Isreal to reconsider, be a great time to upgrade the Capitol metal detectors. Just sayn

1

REPLY Randy Miller Randy Miller 1 hour ago Outstanding!!! Now ban these POS sorry excuses for a U.S. Congresswoman from getting back into the US. That is what is really needed.

1

REPLY Farmin Fotay Farmin Fotay 4 hours ago Fox news had thousands of comments (many saying the US should ban them also) in the first fifteen minutes of airing this story but then disabled comments.

31

REPLY View 25 replies tubeMonger tubeMonger 1 hour ago Haha, this is just great!

3

REPLY Johnny Zeee Johnny Zeee 45 minutes ago Fantastic Mr. Trump and President Netanyahu ! These 2 have a hatred for Israel and the Jewish people; they don't belong in there, for any reason.

1

REPLY Remember Neda Remember Neda 1 hour ago Man has had his time and failed. He has wasted precious time, wasted the Earth, the Sea, the Rivers and Fountains of Water, and all that is good and protected and perfect of the World. It is time now for the Beast to be revealed for his true nature destroyed utterly. I don't fear all you that hate. I fear all that you must do in your own name to one another and you will bring such torment and anguish. The children bear witness to your failings and your crimes.

So I talk of all those innocents so brutally abused and harmed. I talk of the Epstein's, the Cosby's, the MBS's, the Kim Jong-un's of the world. You know who you are and the children you raped and killed bear the marks of your sins. You all will pay with such wrath and fury and no mercy will be for the wicked! Not this time folks. Read more

1

REPLY Larry Louis Larry Louis 1 hour ago I never understood entertaining the idea of allowing these two Jewish hating people in anyway. I applaud their decision and Trumps decisions.

1

REPLY Jose Luis Miletich Jose Luis Miletich 3 hours ago "ONLY DEMOCR ...A..." - Nevermind . . 2

REPLY Thunder Lightning Thunder Lightning 3 hours ago Ohhhh Ha Ha Ha Ha ! LMAO !! Trump Tweets NO ! No entry into Israel ! Hahahaha! Toooo Funnnnyyy !

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REPLY View 4 replies 88Gibson LesPaul 88Gibson LesPaul 3 hours ago

[panda-hat-meesh]

My First KCON

yeah so, much like my AX 2017 post, I didn’t even know I would be going to KCON until it was released that Seventeen would be a guest there. I was sad that I couldn’t go to KCON NY last year when they were there because I’m on the west coast. Anyway, this was definitely an experience. wow

story and tips from personal experience under break:

so I was buying tickets on July 17 because I couldn’t go to the Sunday night concert (I have work the following morning and the very last flights don’t leave after 9:30 which is when the concerts end). sad lyfe. And I spent 1.5 hours trying to get concert tickets for me, my friend, and my sister. I was so mentally exhausted but Seventeen helped me powered through it :))))

I’ve learned that the platinum and the diamond tickets aren’t actually that worth it unless you want to go to the meet&greet and the sound check. but yeah. So there are things like Audience passes and Hi Touch passes and people sell those things yo. There’s a Facebook group and people mark up those prices but it’s possible to get them for cheap cuz some are nice. I was able to buy a Seventeen Hi Touch off of someone (god bless their soul).

and on the day, we woke up HELLA early. If you’ve read my AX 2017 post, then you’ll know that we didn’t wake up early for AX registration lol that was a mistake. But surprisingly, for KCON the registration goes by really fast. I spent more time waiting for things to open than in the actual lines. And this is for the whole day.

Months ago, I was building set pieces for a musical and freaking dropped a 2x4 piece of wood on my phone and cracked the screen. Pieces of screen have been falling out since then. But WHEN I WAS WAITING IN LINE TO ENTER THE CONVENTION CENTER. I FREAKING. DROPPED MY PHONE and the screen is just bad. it’s so bad that there’s black space and it spazzes out when I try to type. lolllllllllllllllll

I went to the thing where people taught the first chorus choreo for I Don’t Wanna Cry and my knees got so scraped like wow. We also saw Koreos (I wanted to audition for them if I got into UCLA. I didn’t get into UCLA). And we saw a bunch of YouTube stars hanging out in a room that looked down into the convention center (I saw HeyItsFeiii).

Oh yeah, I met Kevin from UKiss by coincidence. My group was just walking down the hall when this security guard told us to move out of the way and Kevin made eye contact with me. I was waving and saying hi multiple times like a starstuck fangirl. more starstruck than fangirl though. On the other hand, my friend was pissed off cuz the security guard told us to move to the left when we were on his right side and then she went on about how she has the same lunchbox as Kevin like lol dude. priorities

The Seventeen Hi Touch was pretty cool (understatement). They look so beautiful in person and OMGGGGGGG. I made eye contact with 12/13 because Hoshi’s sick and honestly, 10000/10 would go again because I love themmmmmm. I don’t know how lucky I’ll be the next time around because this is my first KCON and I was able to touch my bias group’s hands??????? like what????????

Overall, I had a pretty fun time and I feel really fortunate over how much I’ve been able to do and experience because I stan one of the most popular groups in the world and was able to hi touch them in my first kcon like what?????

tips:

So my family owns property in Orange County which is an hour away from LA so I didn’t really book a hotel :). And my mom came with me so I didn’t need to pay for parking :). That’s just my personal circumstances and just a thing I did to save money and time (yes michelle, because owning a whole house is saving money).

so for the concert tickets, everyone’s trying to buy tickets at the same time so literally just keep clicking. Just keep trying. I went on for 1.5 hours before I got mine. and don’t be discouraged when you don’t get a P1 or a P2 (The order of best to worst tickets are diamond, platinum, P1, P2, P3, P4, P5) because you can still buy and trade with other people. I had 3 P3s in row 10. There’s actually no real row 10 so we straight up balcony seating. BALCONY. SEATING. LUCKYYYYYY. I could stand up without blocking people behind me and not be surrounded by screaming. like yoooooooooooooo.

Also, diamond and platinum aren’t actually worth. As I’ve said, you can buy and trade but diamond, platinum, P1, and P2(i think) have possible standing sections but when you’re SHORT LIKE ME AND STANDING BEHIND A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, YOU’RE NOT GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME. plus, when you’re sitting in the audience, then you have a broader view, which is what I actually prefer. The only thing is that these listed tickets above have higher chances of being closer to the idols. I personally prefer the view man. idk.

#kcon #kcon 2017 #kconla #kcon la #kcon la 2017 #seventeen #kcon tips #kcon experience #the panda has spoken #just panda things #long #i'm probably never going to be this lucky ever again in my life #thanks for reading :)

[tsukiyaki]

My Parable of the Lost Earring

Luke 15:8-10: “Or what woman, having ten silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp and sweep the house and seek diligently until she finds it? And when she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost.’”

This morning, I woke up at 9 AM, excited to go to high school service and hear Pastor Abe’s sermon. Unfortunately, I completely missed service and barely made it on time to set up slides for Ignite. Instead, I spent nearly 1.5 hours looking for clothes that were not where I remembered putting them half a year ago when we last had summer weather and an earring that I lost while trying to put it in. Through it all, I learned that I should invest in at least a second pair of shorts and encountered God’s love once again.

I hate losing things. I’ve had a history of dropping everything to find what I’ve lost, even at the expense of my own mental and physical health. If the item I lost had practical value, I become anxious and self-critical. If it had sentimental value, I become a total mess. But over the years, I’ve learned to trust God and received a lot of his love and grace through losing things.

One of the first incidents was from freshman year in college. I’d left my purse in the dining hall and only realized a while later. I think it was after I’d finished auditioning for my a cappella group, because I remember thinking I was being punished for auditioning against God’s will (that was a lie from the devil). I retraced my steps, trying not panic, but I couldn’t find my purse anywhere. I prayed for help and soon felt a nudge to just go back to my dorm. I took that as a sign of giving up and refused. After looking some more, my friends who were helping me suggested going back too, but I didn’t listen until I exhausted myself searching in vain. Even after returning to my dorm, I sat in the common room beating myself up mentally. I couldn’t stop thinking that I couldn’t possibly have lost something so important. I didn’t learn how to recognize God’s voice until after college, but I remember at the peak of my frustration, I felt a much stronger nudge to trust God and go back to my room. When I finally obeyed, I felt like God had just spanked me for relying so much on my own strength. The second I walked into my room, I saw my purse on my bed, and my roommate told me that one of my dinner buddies had dropped it off soon after I left the dining hall. Thus began a series of what I called “God spanked me” experiences that didn’t stop until my heart started to trust God over myself.

Today, when I dropped my earring, I felt the weight of loss. By this point, I had already spent a lot of time looking for my shorts and a pair of socks too. At first, I just randomly pulled at some bags and swept my hands across the floor, hoping I’d get lucky. Then the dust gave me a terrible runny nose, and I thought the physical discomfort wasn’t worth it. I thought it wasn’t a big deal, but I couldn’t move on because these had the sentimental value of being “my first earrings.” As I verbalized my distress to God, I thought of the parable of the lost coin. I rolled my eyes a little, asking if this was really the most appropriate way or time to teach me about his heart for his lost children. He made a good point that it was my fault for losing the earring and being a slob, so I should probably not give him attitude for redeeming a pretty pathetic situation. I accepted that my plans for the morning were ruined, and peace washed over me. I knew in that moment that I would find my earring, but I would have to search for it like the woman searched for that lost coin.

I committed to search with the right attitude before God. As I methodically scanned every inch of my floor and emptied bags out to make sure the earring hadn’t fallen inside, I realized that the process was worth it. Getting on the floor and blowing my nose every other minute felt dirty, but it was worth it. I thanked God for not being disdainful about having to get dirty to bring us back home.

When I didn’t find my earring in one place, I knew I had at least narrowed the scope of my search. I hadn’t reached my goal, but that step of "disappointment” was helping me get there a lot faster than asking, “Why can’t it just show up already?” I thanked God for growing me in patience and faith to be able to hold on to hope that doesn’t expire for small things like this and bigger things like my dreams for myself and for the people I love. Because of that faith, I was able to pause my search and leave for church because duty called, and I trusted in God’s timing. I also laughed because I felt like this was God’s way of forcing me to clean my room, which I really needed to do.

Fast forward. I was able to enjoy the rest of my day without any anxiety about my earring and got to grab one last meal with Pastor Abe and friends even though I missed his sermon. I now have 80% less dust in my room, and my earring has been found. On top of that, my morning search restored to me 3 rings (2 of which I’ve recently been wishing I could find, 1 of which I didn’t even know I had) and an earring back I’d also been upset about losing a while ago.

I love the excitement that comes when God answers my prayers. He’s so good that often even when I falter in faith, he still surprises me with what I’ve asked for. But what I love even more is being able to trust him so completely that I know I will praise him no matter what his answer is, but I also have full confidence that he will grant me what I’ve asked for, so I have the boldness to ask for it without preparing myself for possible disappointment.

If you find it easier to trust God with the small things in life than the big things, this post probably seems a little over the top. But I’m the opposite. It has always been easier for me to surrender big decisions and changes to God because I’m well aware that they’re outside of my control. My journey of faith has been marked by how obedient I am when it comes to the small things. I’m also good at performing well, so the bigger things I accomplish often hide the small things that I fail at from the public eye. But just because I do things well doesn’t mean my heart is in the right place.

A lot of times, when the enemy attacks me, he gets to me by accusing me of not truly desiring God’s heart. So I really treasure experiences like today, because God loves me enough to show me what’s inside my heart. When my heart condemns me, He reassures me that I am still his child. When it doesn’t, I am blessed to be able to come before him with confidence like I did today: “By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him” (1 John 3:19-22).

#dominoes #whispers

[alexhatesmusic]

Alex reviews the song Closer by the group the Chainsmokers

The beginning to {insert your favorite crime show here} always unfolds in the same way. Someone is running through the woods, breathing heavily, and looking back over their shoulder. The viewpoint juggles between tight, close-ups to far away landscapes to point-of-view as we watch this character sprint through the wilderness. It becomes pretty evident that this person is running from something, but we never get a clear view of what they’re running from, only that it’s terrifying and evil. The escapee crouches behind a tree/fallen tree/randomunexplainedstructure and we think, “Hey, they made it!” Right as relief washes over the character (and us), the poor soul is stabbed or shot or something and we learn an important lesson: You can never escape evil.

That’s how I feel about the song “Closer” by the Chainsmokers. It had been a few weeks since I had last heard “Closer.” I was enjoying life; a soul-crushing burden removed from me. I let myself believe that I had escaped this song and perhaps I would never hear it again. I thought that maybe (just maybe) I was free.

And then some fuck tagged me in this.

First of all, let’s talk about this band. “From Lambs to Lions???” realllyyy??? You wanted to start a faux-screamo band with your fake-metal friends and your fake-metal aesthetic and overdone haircuts that are now both out-of-style and the go-to Nazi style (s/o Richard Spencer) and you call yourself From Lambs to Lions? 

Okay. 

I would have gone my whole life not knowing who you are, but because you somehow thought “punk goes pop” was still relevant and because someone out there decided, “Hey, Alex would looooooove this,” I have to watch you sing shizzy autotune and do awkward choreographed instrument dances in an empty barn (so very punk). But enough with you.

I’ve been asked before why I don’t like the song “Closer” by the Chainsmokers. Somehow the answer “well, have you listened to it?” isn’t good enough, so I’ll elaborate here. Line by line.

The song starts with what I can only assume is a walrus slapping his fin down on a piano and hitting the same two chords over and over again. A voice pops in nonchalantly and says, “Hey.”

Before we go further I’ve got to note: Some people are really talented. Some people are really, really great at singing. Andrew Taggart of the Chainsmokers is not one of these people. I thought the singing might be coming from the walrus playing the same sparse notes in the background, but upon watching this video, I learned that there is in fact a man behind the voice.

So the song goes:

“Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you/ I drink too much/ And that’s an issue, but I’m okay”

Where to start? Easy knocks: I was doing just fine before I heard this song. I would drink too if I heard your voice on the daily. Blah blah blah. Beyond that, he’s obviously setting up a narrative. There’s a love interest and he drinks a lot.

“Hey, you tell your friends/ It was nice to meet them/ But I hope I never see them again”

Hey again! Not a greaaat way to start off a relationship, telling your so’s friends to fuck off and all, but alright. That last line is super wobbly vocally, but not the worst vocal experience of the track, because that belongs to the following pre-chorus.

“I know it breaks your heart/ Moved to the city in a broke-down car/ And four years, no calls/ Now you're lookin' pretty in a hotel bar/ And I-I-I can't stop/ No, I-I-I can't stop”

We don’t really know what Taggart can’t stop doing (the narrative foundation isn’t super strong here), but if it’s singing, I implore him to just try really hard for everyone else’s sake. 

So the narrative timeline is a bit wonky here. He told the girl’s friends to fuck off, he admits that he’s a drunk and that he was doing a-okay before she waltzed into his life. They obviously moved from somewhere into the famed, archetypal CITY in the famed, archetypal BROKE-DOWN CAR; they haven’t spoken in four years; and, above all, he-he-he can’t stop. He runs into her at a bar, so what’s the logical thing to do next? Hook up.

“So, baby, pull me closer/ In the backseat of your Rover/ That I know you can't afford/ Bite that tattoo on your shoulder”

I guess my biggest thing is: If you own a Land Rover, why are you having sex in the backseat of your car and not indoors like a normal person? Don’t get me wrong, Car and Driver reviewed the LR4 and noted, “The LR4 is one of the few modern vehicles with a genuinely low cowl, and combined with the tall roof it returns the sensation of extreme roominess,” which means there’s probably plenty of head room to get head, but come on, man. You’ve had how many #1 singles and you decide to get it on in your girl’s Range Rover? SHE CAN’T EVEN AFFORD IT! YOU’RE GOING TO GET STAINS ON THE “luxury-lined interior” (s/o Car and Driver). 

“Pull the sheets right off the corner/ Of the mattress that you stole/ From your roommate back in Boulder/ We ain't ever getting older”

So your girl’s a criminal, Taggart. Wow. At least now you’re having sex inside like a normal adult and not like a high schooler trying to hide from your parents. 

So, you haven’t seen this girl for four years and you run up on her at the bar. You hook up, not only in the back seat of her car, but on a mattress that she’s had since college and your excuse is, “We ain’t ever getting older.”

Alright.

Meanwhile, the world’s laziest EDM drop is happening as the walrus continues smashing his head against the same four notes that he’s been hitting all song. 

So, let’s hear what the other side of this relationship has to say. 

Picture Halsey, sitting at the bar, sipping on a (lets say) Irish car bomb and (enter frame) ex-bf walks in. You haven’t spoken in four years. So far we know that you used to go to the University of Colorado, you stole your roommate’s mattress and somehow brought it 1023 miles to what I can only assume is LA. You own a Range Rover that is way out of your price range, your ex is a drunk who can’t sing, and you have a tattoo on your shoulder.

And action!

“You look as good as the day I met you/ I forget just why I left you, I was insane”

Okay, on that last part, make it a present form of the “to be” verb and we’ll talk. Maybe it was because of his alcoholism? Maybe it was he was a dick to your friends? Does he really look as good as the day you met him? It’s been at least four years plus however many years you were together (healthy estimate based on time at Boulder and time in Tuscon (see upcoming lyrics) is that you met at least six to eight years ago). 

What water are they drinking in the archetypal CITY? Are y’all really not “getting older?”

Stay and play that Blink-182 song/ That we beat to death in Tucson, okay

You really couldn’t find a better band to prove that you’re a badass than Blink-182? Don’t get me wrong, “I Miss You” is a hit, but you’re hitting low-hanging pop punk fruit here. 

The worst part though? SHE SINGS FOUR LINES BEFORE THE PRE-CHORUS COMES BACK INTO THE SONG. She’s the redeeming factor of this track. She doesn’t have a terrible voice. She’s pretty and provides the narrative contrast to a so far confusing son. Why in the world are you only giving her four unique lines before shoeing her into the chorus?

“I know it breaks your heart/ Moved to the city blah blah blah blah” 

Same lyrical content over again. You’ve heard this song, so you know it repeats this pre-chorus and chorus another time in a charming (eh) duet before finishing the track in anthemic shouts of “We ain’t ever getting older” over the same lazy beat and same three or four electronic chords that have plagued the entire song.

And that’s the track.

So what does this story tell us? I honestly couldn’t tell you. The narrative is cloudy and the music is too devoid of variety to be able to make anything out.

The best I can tell you is that these are obviously the rantings of a drunkard and his borderline kleptomaniac ex-girlfriend. They find each other again in the archetypal CITY and hook up in a station wagon and that is the song.

This is pop music.

I don’t like this song. It’s lyrically dumb, instrumentally inept, and vocally horrifying. 

That being said, I know a lot of people do (897,256,229 plays on spotify and counting). Honestly, there’s really nothing wrong with liking this music. The music industry has spent decades and billions of dollars engineering pop music to be aesthetically pleasing, so it makes sense that people out there like this track. I just can’t be one of those people.

At the end of the day though, I spent an hour or two typing all of this and I learned something. I really am no better than Andrew Taggart. As I said earlier, “Closer” is just the ranting and raving of a post-hook-up, drunk boy in the city. This review is nothing more than the ranting and raving of a no-hook-up, sober boy in the country. The only difference is I don’t have festival headlining appearances and 39 million monthly listeners. Which, truth be told, is probably for the best.

So that’s that. My review of “Closer” by the Chainsmokers featuring Halsey. If I had to assign it a value, I’d give it a 1.5 star out of 5. If you’ve read this far, god bless you, you crazy person. If you gave up long ago, I honestly don’t blame you.

[richjapan]

#RichJapan - 2.0 - Kyoto

Last time I was in Japan I spent about 80% of my time in Tokyo and only about 15% of my time in Kyoto. This time I wanted to do almost the complete opposite. One reason why I specifically chose to spend more time in Kyoto was because of how *magical* it was for me over the course of two days. I was yearning to re-create that experience.

I spent a total of five days in Kyoto and my first day was not ideal. The places I re-visited on my first day did not seem to have the same spark or hit of dopamine and endorphins as the first time. My soba restaurant didn’t have the same taste of umami and their tea wasn’t as savory either. The bartender at my favorite sake bar was grumpy and not as friendly as last time. My other favorite sake bar was closed. The whole town was overrun with Western tourists. 

This first day made me remember and appreciate the Japanese saying of “Ichi go ichi e” - “one time one meaning”. Meaning that everything that happens is a brief moment in time that will never happen again. It’s important to cherish every experience as once-in-a-lifetime.

Each day when I was in Kyoto I was trying to re-create that feeling of magic and zen. Not until my last 24 hours did I find it.

On my last day in Kyoto, I had just spent the last day and night at a ryokan and I felt what I can only describe as tranquil, euphoric, and zen-like while walking the streets. Deep thoughts interrupted each step. 

Three things were top of mind during this moment of zen: 

1. What’s the operational complexity behind the most simple things we do every day? Example: turning on a water faucet, throwing something in the trash can, how to operate a tea farm and ship tea internationally, what’s it take for all the trains and buses in Japan to be on time, etc.

2. What is it about my experiences as a child that made me who I am today? From a career and income standpoint, I feel like I’ve found a certain level of success. But why me? Who helped me get here? What experiences growing up particularly shaped me? Too many people I knew growing up are in sad states and/or dead (literally). I reflect that I have this chip on my shoulder that I have to prove myself - prove everyone wrong that ever doubted me. But how did I get that chip on my shoulder and why do I have it? And why don’t other people have it? Or do they?

3. What’s my purpose? I read a few things such as a Medium post from the founder of Thumbtack on lessons learned from building a company, a Harvard Business Review white paper on the subject, a couple YouTube videos (one about the Algebra of Happiness by Scott Galloway) and the book “How Will You Measure Your Life” by Clayton Christensen.

The Japanese have a word for purpose called “ikigia” (pronounced ee-kee-gai) which literally means “life’s worth” or “a reason for being” or translated in English to “the reason for which you wake up in the morning.”

After much thought before, during, and after Kyoto, here’s my leadership purpose:

“My leadership purpose is to build and maintain meaningful, long-lasting relationships that help individuals reach their full potential”

I’m in the process of defining this statement in greater detail, designating metrics for it, and devising an action plan to execute. Stay tuned.

Observations:

- Reflecting on the numerous privileges I have that makes it easier for me to travel internationally:

American

Speak English

Fair skinned / racially ambiguous

Disposable income

Male

Tall

Women tell me how much they have to be extra mindful about everything they do when they travel for fear of their safety. One friend said she had to change her flight to Delhi from arriving at night to arriving in the early morning because she said locals told her it was too dangerous to take a taxi at night as a solo women traveler.

- People don’t say “God bless you” when you sneeze in Japan

- Part of me going to Japan was to purposely get lost, but the ironic thing about Japan is that it is nearly impossible to get lost because transportation is so logical and efficient, smartphones are the 21st-century compass, and because the Japanese go out of their way to point people in the right direction.

- Japanese are so purposeful. Even every movement the woman was making when she made tea during the ceremony was for a specific purpose. Every attendee to the ceremony was told to kneel - and this was purposeful, too. Kneeling made everyone the same height. This made everyone equal. There was no way to rank people because of height. This is key to the Japanese tradition of equality and collectivism.

- Everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) in Japan is of such high quality. Everything from the food, public transportation, taxis, housing, roads, sidewalks, etc. I could not find anything dirty or in poor working order. I think my whole two weeks there I only found ONE dirty public toilet.

Learnings:

- “Nichi nichi kore kojitsu” is a saying I learned at the traditional Japanese tea ceremony. It means “every day is a good day”. This is another great mantra to live by in line with “ichi go ichi e”.

- Four symbols of the traditional Japanese tea ceremony: Peace. Respect. Purity. Tranquility.

- There’s a word for the Japanese-style of hospitality called “Omotenashi”

- Tea is the #1 agricultural export from Japan

- So many flavors, spices, and foods of Japan are indicative to only small regions of Japan and in short periods of the year. For instance, it was explained to me that sake is only produced in colder months of the year. I tried to find a rare fruit called Yamamomo I had 8 years ago when I worked at an authentic Japanese restaurant with a classically trained kaiseki chef. I searched far and wide in at least 10 shops in Kyoto and Japan and no one had it because the fruit only grows a couple months a year in a remote, mountain area of Northern Japan and only a small supply is harvested.

- I’m usually good at avoiding or limiting jet lag because of a few hacks, but this trip I had the worst jet lag of my life. It felt like the jet lag lasted for 7 days. It was compounded by a slight cold / allergies, drinking too much caffeine and alcohol when I landed, not getting enough sleep, and not getting any exercise. Lesson learned!

- The movies The Matrix and Star Wars make so much more sense after being in Japan. This is almost 20 years after I first watched both series of movies. It’s crazy they turned the principles of Zen Buddhism into action movies.

Memorable moments:

- I visited a sento in Kyoto where they had different ways to bath in hot water. At one time I was bathing what I think was hot tea. Another time I went from one boiling hot water bath to another and as soon as I stepped into the other bath my muscles started spasming. I thought I was going into cardiac arrest so I quickly jumped out the water. Another English-speaking patron saw my displeasure and told me that particular bath was for electric shock therapy - meaning they pump electricity into the water. Needless to say, I did not use that particular bath rub the rest of my time in the sento.

- Getting a massage from the mother of all massage chairs at Kurama Onsen. For less than $3 for 16 minutes I got one of the best massages of my life. This equates to about $12/hour compared to the usual $60+ per hour for a human masseur. Currently, this one chair can do about 80% of the job at 25% of the cost - whereas a human masseur does 90-100% of the job. The massage chairs are only going to get better over time. Is this another potential job eliminated with the Rise of Automation? I looked online and this one chair is $10,000. Anyone want to crowd-fund it? :)

- Tea picking and Hiking in Wazuka Kyoto. I felt so at peace picking tea in the crisp Kyoto air while overlooking the mountains pointing in the direction of Nara. A stressful, hard-working life in tech startup land felt so far away and not once entered my mind. At the end of your hike, the owner of the tea farm, Daiki, does something extra special with the tea leaves each guest picked. I’ll leave it as a surprise, but it’s served in a way that you’ll likely never see anywhere else! Highly recommended for anyone looking for a unique experience off the beaten path.

- I stayed one night at a luxury ryokan called Yuzuya Ryokan. The theme of the ryokan was yuzu. The food, beverages, the spa, and even the decor was influenced by the famous Japanese citrus. The dinner kaiseki was the highlight. I tried new ways to digest yuzu such as yuzu sochu, yuzu tea, yuzu pepper, and yuzu miso. I also tried new food like red baby shiso leaf, half beak fish, grilled bamboo shoot, peach wine, and tile fish.

Yuzuya adheres to strict Japanese traditions such a quiet, tranquil environment and when and where to wear slippers and wooden clogs. The hospitality was more posh and stoic than the outgoing, friendly Japanese service I’ve come accustomed to experiencing. The price was about 3-4x the price of a normal hotel room, but it was about 2-3x the experience of a traditional hotel or Airbnb. I think the value matched the price. I remember one time I took United Polaris on a 10-hour international flight which was about 10x the price of economy, but did not feel it was 10x the value.

I had to take one business call during my entire trip and it happened to coincide with my stay in the ryokan. In light of the time zone difference, the call took place at 11pm Tokyo time. I took the call in my room thinking I would not bother anyone. Little did I know - the walls in each room are paper thin. Within 5 minutes of taking the call, I hear a loud bang on my door. I opened it and see a visibly upset, tall, American man in his 50s. 

"This is a ryokan! It's meant to be tranquil! You are being loud and I can hear every word you are saying. I'm trying to sleep and you woke me up! Take your San Francisco conversation outside!"

Part of me wanted to chuckle, but I remained poker-faced, apologized, and then took the call in the lobby while whispering and covering my mouth over the speakerphone.

Places Visited:

- d:matcha Café & Kitchen - the location of tea farm about 1.5 hours outside of Kyoto. It’s a bit of a trek from Kyoto (two buses and two trains each way), but well worth it.

- Kurama Onsen - The height of zen and relaxation. Make sure you experience the 'mother of all massage chairs'. Try the plum wine sorbet - it's amazing. It's a bit tricky to get to from Kyoto, but well worth the trek. Relax here after climbing Mount Kurama.

- Sake Bar Yoramu - Only open from Wednesday through Saturday. Go after 10pm just before they close at 11pm to get a more solum experience. The bar tender is an expat from Israel who's been honing his craft for 30 years hand-picking sake that you will be hard-pressed to find ANYWHERE in the world. Ask Yorum to teach you how to properly drink sake. Tell him "Richard from San Francisco who likes Nama Zake" sent you.

- Goko-yu Sento

#kyoto #tea #japan #purpose #zen #ryokan #ikegia #kaiseki

[phobio2000]

Food and Community

I feel so inspired today because God blessed my chicken. It's so good, as satisfying as instant noodle lol :D. It's strange how instant noodle is so satisfying, when it's broth really has not real flavors from animal bones, yet it's so satisfying that, let's be honest, we prefer it to real food sometimes. I think the secret is in the Szechuan peppercorn. The recipe is simple: 10 drumsticks Soy sauce (1.5 cup?) A lot of ginger, very thinly sliced, like as much as the palm of your hand. Clay pot (Anthony Bourdain says whenever something is cooked in a clay pot it's going to taste better than being cooked in a metal pot) 1.5 onion, thickly sliced Pepper flakes (1 teaspoon? Or 2?) Szechuan peppercorn (1 tablespoon?) I pan sear the thinly sliced gingers and the onions, which takes a while, because they are thinly sliced. I drizzle olive oil on them, but I think sesame oil should work even better. I want the ginger slices to dry up and shrivel up and get slightly charred, the same goes for the onion. This is the foundation of the flavor. I brown the chicken, too. I rinse the pan with some hot water and add it to the cooking pot because there's a lot of flavor stuck on the surface of the pan. I put everything in the pan and then add the soy sauce. It's imperative to let the soy sauce boil on its own for a while before adding the hot water because it will enhance the flavor of the soy sauce a lot (secret). And then I'd add some pepper flakes, maybe a teaspoon, and ten some Szechuan peppercorn, maybe a tablespoon. And then I just add hot water (make sure it's hot, not cold, so you won't crack the clay pot due to huge sudden variance in temperature), and I think it's good for the chicken, too. And I just let it simmer for like an hour or until it's really tender. I'd try to remove the chicken from the pot while its still hot, because I found that the murkiness of the broth sometimes become clear, as if the murkiness got absorbed back into the bones, which sort of misses the whole point of extracting them, all that flavor and nutrient. I'd cook some noodles, maybe blanch some vegies, and put some of the broth over it, and then add pasta water, as the broth is very rich and salty. Boy, tastes just like instant noodle lol :D. Maybe I'd fry and egg, too and put it on top. So I cooked it last night and was so pleased with the flavor. This morning I made noodle soup and it was so good, and then I started having flashbacks and other thoughts. I remember not even that long ago, I thought differently than now. Whenever I have something good or made something good, I want to share it with people I care about. For example, when a friend gave me every episode of Good Eats, I shared it with a good friend, who never gave it back to me!!!! When I bought a book "Auto Fundamentals" that explains how a car work from a more engineering point of view than a mechanics point of view, I loved it so much and shared it with the same friend, who probably assumed that they were gifts and not loans, and in both cases I hardly watched and read them lol :D. And then, there was a time when I really into making home made dumplings and Chinese green onion pancake (best recipe I found is actually from America's Test Kitchen, which is available on their website and maybe on YouTube, as well). I'd make so much of them, but loved them so much I ended up making more for my brother than for myself, and then the ones I made for myself, I gave almost all of it to a friend, who is really busy with work. She likes the pancakes and wants more. I said she lives close to the Korean market and sometimes they got ten batches of green onions for a dollar, buy me some and I'll make it, but she wouldn't, thinking that's beneath her…, and she complained that the dumpling filling is not good. I made it for myself, using a veggie that has medicinal qualities and ground turkey as binder (both are pretty expensive…). As for my brother, he just takes everything and act like I've never done anything nice for him, as always…. But the thing is I am old school, I love how Asians of last generation, or even hispanics, for that matter, tend to be so warm and would cook stuff and share and bring people closer together. Even Robert Fergusson preached once on this topic alone, how food can bring people together. It's sad how all these years I've tried and tried to do nice things for people and build friendships but everyone seems to have a different mindset altogether, that while they all have needs and complain about how their needs are not being met, whenever I do nice things for them it's like just dropping a pebble into the lake, makes a little sound and then just stinks to the bottom and that's the end of it. So today, as I was eating this delicious noodle, I found that my urge of making it for others actually got quenched quite a bit, even though I still thought of a friend who is very busy and loves chicken noodle soup. If she were still in town I think I'd still make some for her family. It's also sad how when you are poor, people actually don't want you to do nice things for them, thinking you are dirty and beneath them or are just trying to warm up to them so you can ask them for stuff later. Humanity is pitiful. But I now believe in the church community I am in, so I am just going to keep going that direction and see where things go. I think it's still possible, through this channel. Well, I think I am going to get a second bowl and then go exercise. Prayer works. The Lord is giving me grace, making me stronger. Pastor Josh has been praying for me for the past two weeks and I feel God's blessings. Yesterday I suddenly felt that there's room for improvement for my resume still. I think it's already good, but I thought I try something different, so I reworked the whole thing. I like how can just really concentrate on something for a long time, but at the same time, I feel like I am getting older and the duration of that intense concentration is not as long as where it used to be. Older guys rely on experience, younger guys rely on strength. I am glad I applied myself in my younger days, so that, I think at this point, as far as my area of expertise goes, things have become more commonplace. The job market still kept me scratching my head. On one hand, Career Builder is kind of dead, at least for my field, yet it is still a good idea to keep hitting it because its system is linked to many recruiters. Indeed has the most job postings, I found a lot, actually. So I am not sure what the local economy is, because at the same time, I don't have my phone ringing off the hook with recruiters, either. Wages seems to be going up, I think, maybe? But the thing different about me is that God gave me strength! It's like I am still under a lot of pressure, same situation, but I am feeling stronger after Pastor Josh prayed for me. You know, my whole life I've been going to church and I'd hear about people receiving special grace and blessings, and I'd be wondering when will it be my turn. Well, I think it has been my turn ever since I started attending Hillsong Church. Every week I return home feeling different, renewed and encouraged and I learned new things, and there is not a week that I felt like "ahhh, it's just another week at church." Every week feels special. It's incredible, especially comparing to what church was like to me before. As a kid I sort of just sat there and vegetate, and then as a young adult I just try to give and contribute and try hard for Jesus. The preacher was pretty good at the time, she really has the heart to serve God and people, but after she left, it's just weird, with those people thinking they are the most spiritual people that know better than everyone and are always right, so church became like enduring whatever it is that they do. And then there was a period of like maybe ten years when I didn't go to church at all, just being so disappointed about what it is. In my heart I just felt that eventually God will bring me back to church but don't know where nor when. Well, after all these years I am finally home! I think the new resume could be working, it's generating more calls, I think, from white people, even lol :D. Now, I am not being racist, but most of these Indian recruiters are really sketchy…. But who knows, it's in God's hands. I learned that, there seems to be a really good career path in what I do, some of the more senior positions pay really well. But the thing is, when I was working for a company, I was already running circles around their "senior project manager". It was disappointing how I got looked past this week by that company for a more senior position, which, when I read the description, I knew that it would be something that should be easy for me but more challenging for others. When the recruiter said that they are looking for someone with more experience, I understand, because on paper, my resume may not look as proper as that of a "senior project manager", who has two masters degrees, but I did run circles around her and she couldn't even come close to me…. I am not being arrogant, even my boss thought that there's a pretty significant gap between us, so…. But you know what, it was God who gave me the exposures to learn these skills, so he will see this through. Another big change after Pastor Josh prayed for me. I don't care about career anymore. There's a change in my heart, that I just want to be with my church family and pursue Jesus together. That's where the blessings of life is at, where happiness is at. Job is just a mean to an end. My whole life I put job, career, accomplishments, success on the pedestal, almost like an idol, if not exactly like an idol, but I could not help myself, in spite of years of struggles to surrender. I mean, growing up poor, being in a traditional big Chinese family, personal aspirations, pressure from parents, growing up around overachievers, it felt like my whole life and identity is dependent on that, and that success and accomplishment is merely a default, what's expected of me, yet I kept on failing and failing. I feel that, perhaps all these years God kept giving me opportunities to learn and grow while not opening doors to success and prosperity is just so that I can lay down this burden, which I believe I have, at this point. Will God open door now? I sure hope so! And lately something else changed, it seems like I've lost interest in a lot of worldly things that used to excite me or that I used to crutch on. Suddenly they all felt like vanity to me. On Sunday Pastor Sam Lopez was preaching about the life of David, how he failed twice, once with Bathsheba, and the other time when he took the census of people. I've been so distraught lately I totally forgot the second failure lol :D. I love how he interprets it, how every time he decided to stop fighting and rest, something bad happens. I think this is how we are with life. When people make money and get complacent and started to get too relaxed and laid back, what do they do? They cheat on their spouse and they become arrogant and full of themselves. Looking around, I think it happens all the time. And come to think of it, what hurts family and friendships more than cheating and being arrogant? I remember my recent struggle with this old friend who got married, and I think that's exactly what the problem was, he got too comfortable and started to just sit on his lazy boy and dwell on how cool he thinks he is and started to let pride take over and carry that attitude of arrogance that undermines and abuse people who care about him and consider him as a friend. It's a pity. I think God tried to warn him, too. I remember he said once that he was on a plane with a laptop issued by the company, and the woman next to him was trying to change her baby's diaper and thee baby started pooping and she turn the baby on him so it won't get on herself, and he blocked it with his laptop, which he stopped using afterward. I think that could be God telling him "You are full of shit, stop it, humble yourself." I think it's a long time coming, as I reflect upon his gradual change in attitudes over time. But you know what, it's in the past, it's his lost, no biggie. I think I am a great friend, one of the best a person can ever have, super loyal, caring, and giving. I think that, whether God blesses me with prosperity or not is up to him, but even if he does, God forbid that I will ever stop running for him, seeing the results of not running first hand…. There is always more to pursue. Caleb was still fighting hard even at his old age, and if Pastor Brian and Bobbie stopped running and slowed down, the church's message might not have reached me, then what am I supposed to do?

[yuliana-nz]

Exploring pt. 2

On day 2, I explored the cities around Christchurch for fun. There are metro buses and you can just pick a line and see where it takes you. I went down to the logging port of Lyttelton, the Riccarton House and Bush, and Sumner Beach. All of these were incredible in their own way!

The Riccarton House and Bush has a lot of history as the cottage there is the oldest living space in all of the Canterbury Plains! The European settlers then built the House and it is a Victorian house with lots of rooms and stories found about the people who lived there. It was a great experience, and I loved learning about the history there.

Summer beach is probably one of the coolest beaches I’ve been to, because there is a CAVE on the beach! You can actually go in and climb on top of it. The views are unlike I would have imagined: the mountains circle almost 360, with the Pacific on the shore. It was incredibly windy and cold (the only cold day the entire week), so I didn’t get a chance to swim (yet).

Day 3, we went horseback riding in the mountains on a foggy morning! It was absolutely breathtaking! It was my first time but our guide was incredibly patient and helpful, even when I messed up a couple times. When you are going down a hill, you’re supposed to lean back, but I kept leaning forward, so he’d always yell, “Lean back! Lean back!” Looking back, it was pretty funny. After horseback riding we were stuck in Springfield, which is a town of like 400 people. There were about 3 cafes, a gas station, pub, and a hotel. Quite literally, there wasn’t anything to do except swing at the park until our shuttle came back to pick us up. This tested my patience just a little bit (haha). But, on the other hand, that’s how God works sometimes. You get into a situation where you just have to trust Him. And we got back to Christchurch safely and soundly, so it all worked out in the end.

Day 4, SKYDIVING!! It was amazing!!! Although, right when I jumped, my eyes and brain were trying to take in everything: the jump itself, the views, the direction, and I think I got slightly overwhelmed, but then I got over it and enjoyed the wind literally blowing in my face. (Don’t worry, we had goggles and a helmet). Then, my guide pulled the parachute and we just hung out in the air for a few minutes, and he was showing me all the different areas of Ashburton. We were right next to the Pacific Ocean!

But, then, later, I started thinking about how a lot of people have skydiving on their bucket list (I’m glad I checked it off mine) BUT it doesn’t really mean anything if you don’t know the Lord. People go searching for things the world has to offer, and they come up empty. I’m so glad I did this knowing that God has my back, that He is the reason I even got to this place. He led me and that made the experience that much cooler.

Day 5, last day of exploring (yesterday) we went down to Akaroa. This place is nicknamed “Little France” and it is almost an island, which is something they enjoy mentioning haha. The buildings there have European influences and some of their cafes and restaurants had European food as well. It’s a unique, small little place, but there’s so much to do there! We visited the lighthouse and I went on a dolphin sighting tour, which was wonderful! The color of the water was this immense teal, blue and it was absolutely beautiful! So, Akaroa and Lyttelton sit on the crater of a volcano that erupted many years ago. And in Christchurch, you can see the remains of the volcano, a place they call “Port Hills,” which is in Christchurch! From where we were staying, we can see Port Hills right down the street! This connection was very cool to learn, and it was exciting to know that I’ve seen all 3 locations. These two volcanoes (Lyttelton and Akaroa) were MASSIVE. I don’t even know how to describe how big they were, except that it takes close to 1.5 hrs to get from one side to the other.

Then, the boat tour takes you out to the Pacific and we actually got INSIDE of an erupted volcano! The coolest part was that it was STILL hot! You could feel the hot air coming from the rocks. The layers of ash and lava are also visible. It was one of the coolest things I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.

Sorry for the long post!! Thanks for bearing with me! Pictures coming soon! God bless y’all!

[adventurousrecovery]

Confrontation

Due to a series of ridiculous and unfortunate events, I have been required to meet with my academic adviser and program director. The reason for which I was called in may possibly be announced in a future post or never. The sensitivity of the topic to be discussed could be potentially damaging for myself and my counselor. I felt it necessary I not show up alone and seek some sort of clarification in requirements. My dad thought the person in attendance should be him. 

Two weeks ago my dad asked me to stop by his business on my way out of town. I did. When I showed up he struggled to get to the point of why he really wanted me to stop by. He rested on a nearby table, crossed his lower legs, and used his arms to almost hold himself up. 

“What time is your meeting tomorrow?” he asked.

“I’m not telling.” I wasn’t going to tell him. Thanks to my fucked up childhood and the psychological games they played, I knew better than to give them information that would involve them or give them some sort of control. 

“Well, I will be going so I have to know.”

“I am not telling and I have someone going.

“Who?”

“It doesn’t matter. I have someone.” 

He raised his voice, becoming confrontational, “Who?! The ADA advisor?! Who does she work for?!”

The tone in which he spoke reminded me of when I was little and he didn’t like the answer I gave so he would repeat, challenge, or question what I said in an attempt to get me to cave. He only spoke with such a tone when he didn’t like the answer. 

“The school, but it will be fine. She is an advisor and has responsibilities to fulfill in handling my learning disability.”

“But she works for the school. You need someone to be there! They are trying to take advantage of you and screw you over!” 

“I will be fine. I know what I have to do.”

Whatever response I gave would not be enough. I focused on trying to maintain eye contact and not become that scared little girl, but I broke when he got too close. He moved from the sitting position and walked closer cornering me. He leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms. When the discussion got heated he moved closer. I kept my tone calm. He was inches from my face. I tried to maintain eye contact, but broke it when I turned my head. I could smell his breath. I later came to realize this was me letting him know I was submissive, while also searching for fresh air. I wanted to scream. I somehow got him to back off, telling him of what I had planned to discuss at the meeting. I told him of how I was working on a project and would show what I had created. I told him he could not come if I were to show it. It was rule that must be respected in creation of the piece.

Again he stood inches from me, “I know when you speak, you say things about me that aren’t true.....................and some things that are true. You are my daughter and I care about you. Blah blah blah.”

I stared him down and raised my eyebrow at his words, “I know when you speak, you say things about me that aren’t true....” Wow. He really believes he did not do some of the things that he did. The look on his face said otherwise. My god, I wanted to punch him in the face and scream, “You did it! YOU FUCKIN DID IT! IT ALL HAPPENED!” Instead, I stood there, eyebrow raised, mad. 

As a child, when these sort of confrontations happened, he would corner me until I coward, backing me into a corner. Head down, starting at the floor, palms against the wall behind me. Teeth together he would growl, continuing to talk or put me down in a low guttural voice. His forehead placed forcefully against mine, be would continue to belittle me and place threats, ever reminding me of how stupid I was. His questions somehow always put me down and the answer was always to say what he expected. I was never given an opportunity to explain myself and if I attempt to do so he never cared for it wasn’t what he wanted and therefore wrong. I would sniffle, holding back my tears. I tried to be strong. He would sometimes hit his forehead hard against mine, his hands in fists. When it was all over, I would retreat to my room and continue telling myself, “It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t of done what you did.” That also applied to the physical abuse. If I hadn’t have done what I did, I could have prevented being abused. Years later and looking back, I didn’t know any better. It probably didn’t matter what I did for he would react as he would whether good or bad, there is no excuse for abuse. 

For the sake of the conversation and my wanting to leave, I let things play out and did not acknowledge it. The conversation took 1.5 hours and was basically me making him feel better for he seemed more stressed than I was. By the end of the conversation he was crying, trying to keep his emotions in check. 

“Would it be too much to ask for a hug?”

I just stood there. I knew I did not want to hug him, but I did not have the heart to say no. I couldn’t force something I did not feel and I was tired of doing so for years just so that my parents would feel better. Though I did not say no, I said something by not letting it happen. 

*sniffle sniffle* “Okay. That’s fine. I get it.” 

He then put his hand out in an attempt to hold mine or I would fulfill the action. I put out my sleeve, making sure he did not touch my hand. 1) Germs. 2) Touching 3) He may deserve some sort of emotional comfort, but I was not required to give that. 

He didn’t like my response for it further saddened him. He was comforted by my words and was no longer going to show up. 

I eventually left and returned to Terre Haute where I spent the week questioning everything and having flashbacks. I couldn’t talk about it at counseling and I should have. Instead, I sat outside my counselor’s office and hysterically cried for an hour knowing I was not safe to leave that spot. I am sort of glad I didn’t disclose for it was ugly crying/screaming/hyperventilating, but I am upset because it would have provided insight into the intensity of the shit that is going on and how it has been affecting me. I am still working on the trust thing. It isn’t fair. I spent many moments pacing my apartment trying to erase my dad’s image from my mind, but it was on repeat. It would just happen, appear at random moments and there was nothing I could do. That is the part that is unfair! Why does attempting to move forward require sometimes going backward? 

A week went by without me talking to my dad. I needed time to process things. After having a conversation with my mom, I decided to confront him. He wanted me to immediately inform him of what had happened during the meeting. I didn’t. I don’t have to. I took a day to process things and cry before calling my mom the next day. My dad had asked her why I called her instead of him to which my mom lied, “She just didn’t want to upset you.” 

Bullshit. 

My mom is an individual who, like my grandpa, avoids conflict. They don’t understand you can be honest without the intent of conflict. A person’s reaction to that truth is their own. I eventually mustered up the energy to confront him. I sat in my car and gave myself a pep talk, reminding myself that I have the ability to talk like a grown up and he does not get to talk to that little girl. Maybe I should think of my inner self as the little girl? Protect her. Give her what she deserves. After a few minutes in my car, I walked right to his office and sat down. 

“HEY!” he said.

I was serious.

“Hi. I came here to be honest.”

“You came here to be honest?”

“Yes. I have avoided talking to you this whole week because I am not okay with what happened last week and you being inches from my face.”

He didn’t like what I said. He became a smart ass.

“Is there anything that you are okay with?”

I returned that sass. “Space. Lots of space.” I probably looked like bitch because my period was so bad I looked exhausted and puffy-eyed even though I had slept like 10 hours. I was thankful for having my period and it assisting with my not taking any bullshit. “You aren’t in trouble.”

“Then why do I feel like it?”

“We have never been good at confronting each other when it comes to family.”

“Well, you should have told me when it happened. You could have said, hey dad, can you give me some space?”

I couldn’t. His state of response was too similar to that of the past. One wrong move and I would have been stuck there, longer than I was, dealing with an unintended argument. I didn’t have to explain my reasoning to him and I knew he didn’t want to hear it. I was not going to sugarcoat things to make it bearable for him. Instead, I told him I had to leave to go to counseling and I did. 

Later in the week, my counselor had asked me if being able to develop a deeper relationship with my parents and possibly say, “I love you” was a goal. It had never crossed my mind and I have grown accustomed to not having that relationship with them that I have convinced myself I am probably better off. It is not a goal. I do not wish to say, “I love you” or engage in physical touch. The thought of doing so disgusts me and makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don’t think they deserve it. I do believe all children should be blessed with the opportunity, but mine has done gone or perhaps never was. I am not saying this to be negative or attention-seeking, but to be honest. It’s sad. 

In the end, the unnecessary accusations I have endured have created more chaos than the person who did the accusing could possibly realize. As shitty of a situation as it has been, I think I am learning to stand up for myself when it comes to my family. I have a voice. Imagine if my voice was as loud as my thoughts!  I do not have to sweeten the truth. I do not have to do anything because I feel it is necessary simply because I am their daughter. Physical touch is not a requirement. The words, “I love you” aren’t either. I do not have to explain my reasoning. I exist. I matter. I am who I choose to be and I am sure whenever I figure that out exactly it will be fuckin amazing because that’s what I am!

#recovery #addict #addiction #drug addict #drug addiction #cutting #cutter #self injury #self harm #nssi #drug abuse #mental health