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acrux-jr · 6 months

Text

Carousel - part 1

Had to write about Mike, bro - saw the fnaf and that Josh Hutcherson crush came back full-fledged 😭

That messy, disheveled look and the "i can fix him" complex really, really hit home here, lmao. Tried to do canon but probably failed miserably. It just means i gotta watch it again 😏

NOT BETA-READ

Summary: You and Mike broke up a while ago... but of course, one small encounter sent you spiraling back to him.

Angst and smut coming in part 2 and 3.

Word count:1.5k

Taglist: @leahdhopkins4321

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You look into the room to the right of you. There, you see Mike Schmidt. He was holding the comatose girl's hand. As he got up and leaned down, he whispered something to her, and he made eye contact with you.

You looked at him and then down at her and continued to walk forward. You don't bother to look behind to see if he followed, it was an intimate moment and that wasn't for you, not any more at least. You pushed the doors open and saw her. Her eyes glazed over you and light up with recognition.

"Y/N!"

She hopped off the chair and ran towards you. Your heart ached, you gave her a small smile and returned her hug.

"Hi Abby. How are you? How's school?"

"I've missed you so much. None of the other babysitters are as fun as you. Schools fine! I've made real friends."

You knew it was hard for her with her active imagination and timid personality. A warm and sincere smile made it to your face. "That's so good Abby!" Abby motioned you to lower down and bit, you obliged, crouched down and was face to face.

She brings her tiny cuffed shaped hand towards your ear. "Mike misses you." It waa small and timid, she was unsure of your reaction to the secret she shared. She was there when the fallout happened and she knew it was horrible.

The smile faded a bit but was plastered back on when she was done whispering. Her face was full of hope and worry.

Leaning in, you whispered back, "I miss him too sometimes. But you gotta keep it a secret Abs." She nodded and put her pinky out.

"I will!" It was sealed with a stamp. The doors opened again and Abby looked behind you to see her brother.

Mike's breathing hitched as the doors opened. There you were with your long h/c hair. A black spaghetti dress, with little flowers, a green knitted jacket, with see through leggings and boots. When you turned to face him he saw the onyx necklace he gave you for your birthday. It had been two months before he saw you again. With your flushed cheeks, long eyelashes, and full lips, and here you were in the hospital waiting room.

"Hi." It was meek and awkward and so fucking Mike.

You gave a silent sigh, "Hi Mike." You gave a wave. He noticed your nails were longer, and painted dark green, his favorite color.

He stuffed his hand in his pockets. "Um… what were you two talking about?"

Abby spoke before you had a chance, "It's a secret." He raised an eyebrow at her and gave a snarky smile.

"Oh yeah?"

She nodded her head, "Yup," she popped the p.

You gave a smile. Mike looked at you. And you looked back.

"Well I guess it can't be helped."

You shook your head, "Sorry those are the rules." Abby giggled at your solemn expression.

"Can Y/N come over for dinner? Please Mike I miss drawing with her." His eyes widened at the sudden request.

"Oh… um.. well… we- we don't know if uh Y/N has plans or not." He stumbled to get the words out.

There was a nervous pit in your stomach. You wanted to vomit. Abby turned to you.

"Please Y/N we can have pizza or spaghetti or both!"

'Ah her favorite combo.' You gave an inward chuckle. She skipped to you and grabbed your hand.

"Pretty please? With a cherry on top?"

"Oh well with a cherry on top? How could I ever say no to that?"

Abby smiled and giggled. She started to pull you towards the exit. "Come on! Let's go then."

You laughed and smiled. "Okay Ab's, but I gotta go home first."

She gave a dejected look. "Don't worry I'll be there for dinner. Mike can text when?"

Mike gave a wide eyed look when the question was directed at him. He found himself nodding. "Yeah of course."

The smile came back on her face and she ran to Mike. She started to pull Mike now. "Mike hurry! We have to get food for when Y/N comes!"

"Okay okay jeez. Um I'll text you then?" There was a slight desperation in his voice.

You nodded and the sibling duo left.

You groaned and let your head fall in your hands. Of course, just fuck yourseld over. Great. Perfect.

Your mind and heart were racing. 'This could only end badly.'

Mike started the car and looked at Abby through the rear view mirror.

Abby stared back. "What."

"Why did you invite her Abs?"

"Because I've missed her. And so do you! Y/N was the best babysitter ever and you scared her off." She mumbled the last part to herself but Mike still heard.

He sighed and reversed out of the parking space. Abby was right, Mike scared her. No, what he did was worse. If Y/N ever forgave he would thank god himself.

There you were, same outfit but with a simple gold chain, the one your mother gave you. You held an artist box and a plate full of ginger snap cookies. You baked them without realizing these were Mike's favorite cookies. You were so used to making them for him and Abby, it came naturally without a second thought.

You rang the doorbell, there was something you assumed was stumbling to the door, and then there was Mike. He looked disheveled and bags under his eyes, while he looked incredibly fucking hot it made you want to jump him right then and there; he also looke tired and worn out. It made your heart ache at the thought of him falling deeper into despair.

"Hey."

"Hi."

He glanced down at the art supplies. "Oh uh here let me get them for you."

As he took it, your hand touched and a shock ran up your back. "Thank you."

"Y/N!" Abby dashed through the hallway and all but shoved Mike. She gripped your hand like you would disappear if she let go.

She babbled on and on about Mike and how he cleaned the house and cooked and took a shower.

"Abby! Go get the plates ready." He gave her a look and she rolled her eyes. You chuckled.

You glanced around, everything was the same. Everything felt the same. It felt like a regular Friday night when you would get back from you class and Mike would have dinner ready and you would pick up a dessert. It made you want to cry. Of course it wasn't perfect but it felt like home, safe and warm.

You blinked back the tears, you jumped when you touched your shoulder.

There were so many things he wanted to ask but he was a coward. "Let's eat."

You nodded and trailed behind him putting the coolie in the center.

Dinner was filled with Abby talking and asking questions about you.

"What classes are you taking now?"

"What did they teach in art this time?"

"Could you show me?"

That was something Mike couldn't understand, art. Any degree of it. But when he brought you home, after making it official to meet Abby and get to know each other, he knew he had made the right choice. It was the first in a while she would talk that much. It startled him at first. It was as if you teo had been friends already.

Mike snapped out of thought when he noticed you staring with a slightly tilted head.

"Hmm?"

You gave an eye roll and a slight smile, "I asked if you wanted a gingersnap? Homemade."

Mike nodded yes. A ginger snap? His favorite cookie? His mind raced if what it could mean but in the back of his mind the thought of 'just for Abby's sake' rang.

You glanced at the clock. It was already 9. Fuck how did the time pass by so quick. Mike noticed, as did Abby.

"Y/n could you stay til I go to sleep so you can show me what you've learned in art?"

'Fuck.' "If it's okay with Mike then sure sweetie."

Abby turned towards Mike. Mike was not gonna turn this down. "Yeah that's fine with me."

After Abby grabbed paper and 2 trays, the three of you settled in the living room. Mike was going to sit on the couch when Abby grabbed his hand and ushered him next to her. While you hated the proximity you chuckled at Abby's antics, same old Abby.

Abby started to doze off watching. While she was interested in the exercise you did in class, it was near her bedtime.

Mike chuckled. He gently picked her up, "Come on Ab's, lets get you to bed."

She mumbled something you couldn't quite catch. She did it again, "...want both… bed."

Mike looked at you helpless. Nodding you followed him to Abby's bedroom, there he laid her to bed while you tucked her in.

You gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Night sweetie, sweet dreams." As Mike was about to do the same, Abby spoke with a slurred speech.

"Night Y/N… wished.. you… baby… wanted..you…sib..."

'Baby.' It echoed. Mike hurriedly gave her a kiss on the forehead too, said 'goodnight,' and took you to his room.

He noticed you were in a state of shock. You mindlessly followed him, not aware of anything going on.

That one word sent you back into your memories of that night.

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Thinking about doing 3 - 5 parts series ??? Maybe??

#mike schmidt x fem!reader #mike schmidt x reader #fnaf movie #mike schmidt #x reader #angst #abby schmidt #josh hutcherson

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theageofcaravel · 8 months

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Rose-Coloured Boy. - Jamie Tartt x F!reader

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

MASTERLIST

Chapter I: Reeling Through the Midnight Streets

Plot: Jamie Tartt and Y/N have been best friends since primary school. The pair had fallen out once graduation hit, both of them going their separate ways; Jamie finally kicking off (pun intended) his football career, and Y/N finally walking through the doors of her cinematographer career. One day, they cross paths in the corridors of Nelson Road, Y/N getting the assignment to make a mini docuseries of one of the football clubs in England, hers being AFC Richmond.

Set during season 2 and onward.

warnings: swearing, mentions of food and alcohol

word count: 3,7k

an: HELLOOOOOO!!! im excited to write this, I'm so late to the Ted Lasso wagon, but here I am. I got the idea for this story when I was sat on my couch looking through Pinterest and then I made a board for it. This has also taken me a few days to crank out because I've second guessed the plot a couple of times but anyway, I'm watching Cody and Noel's Love Island series and its reminding me of that one episode in season 2. LMAO, enjoy <3!!!!

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

Breathing in deeply, you closed your notebook. Looking up at your professor, you gently rapped your manicured nails upon your desk and eagerly waited to see which football club you were going to be assigned to. The hope in your chest wanted to get your hometown's very own club, having a plausible excuse to visit your home, without your parents getting under your skin..

"Y/N L/N," Professor Loughty called out your name, you quickly stood from your desk and grabbed your belongings. "Yes, sir?" you asked, an eager glimmer in your eyes. "you're gonna be in charge of AFC Richmond, I've emailed Miss Welton and have gotten the approval for you to leave right after I dismiss you, there should be a cab right outside for you. you're going to have to find which one is yours."

With a solemn nod, you breathed in, "is there any way that I could have Manchester City, perchance?" all Professor Loughty replied with a shake of his head, "sorry, Miss L/N, all final decisions have been made."

"Alright, thank you, professor." you nodded again.

"You are dismissed."

Making your way out of the classroom, you sighed disappointedly. All you really wanted was to spend time with your sister, Libby. Your built-in best friend, the person who you call often to just ramble, vent, or see how life on the other side is.

A chime of your phone pulled you out of your thoughts.

any updates?

Libby. So much for getting pulled out of your thoughts.

yeah, got Richmond :/ BUT I promise I'll make it up to you. I'll visit soon.

:( okayyy I love youu

"Y/N!" pocketing your phone, your attention was now averted from your patronising thoughts to that of your best friend. "Bee! Hey." you smiled and waited for your friend to fully approach you.

"Who'd ya end up gettin'?" the Irish girl asked in her usual chipper tone.

"Richmond, I wanted Man City."

She scrunched her nose. "Mmm, ain't that the team with that American coach?" Bee added with a raise of her eyebrows.

"Think so, so I guess it's not all bad.. could be interesting.." You spoke with a shrug which only earned you a light chuckle from the brunette. "Well, I'd certainly hope so. you have to be around him and the team for how long?"

"'Til the end of the semester."

Bee nodded at your reply. "sounds miserable."

"Oh, piss off. Don't you have to write an album by the end of the semester?" you clapped back, causing Bee to only snicker with a shrug.

"Yeah, but that's easy."

"Right, as if you haven't been in a song writing block for the past month or so." freezing in her place, Bee shook her head and glared playfully at the other.

"Exactly. Anyway, I've gotta get going, gotta get my essentials." you said to Bee, embracing her in a hug. "See y'tomorrow?"

The taller girl nodded and walked away with a wave. "See ya, nugget."

You shook her head, that nickname was never going to go away. Walking your merry way over to the line of cabs, you nervously talked to the first cabbie. "Um, which one is the one for Y/N L/N?" you asked and gripped your books close as if they were some sort of security blanket. The man behind the wheel grunted and pointed to the one behind him.

"Should be that one down there, yeah." he replied and basically shooed the girl away. with a breath, you found the cab you were supposedly assigned and sat in the backseat.

"Was ordered to head to your place, where to miss?" The driver asked with a kind smile in which you replied with your address.

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

Unlocking your door quickly, you ran into your living room and grabbed your bag full of all the necessities you needed for the months ahead of you; camera, clip in microphones, etcetera. Richmond was only 30 minutes away, which, in hindsight, was better than having to travel four hours per weekend.

With no second thought, you grabbed your water bottle and slung your bag over your shoulder. Taking one last look around, you let out a satisfied huff and headed back outside to the car.

"Alright, Miss L/N, we're headed to Richmond. s'about a 30 minute drive from here." the cabbie, who you learned that his name was Franklin, 'frank for short,' is what he told you, said. He was a nice old man, probably in his early sixties. He was good at keeping up the small talk, asking you about what it is that you’re going to be doing with Richmond. Telling you that before he was a cab driver he was a guitarist in a band, a small one at that. You both bonded over music, You telling him that your best friend is a singer and that sometimes Bee'll get you together to mess around because you have been playing the guitar since you were little but never really pursued anything musically because it wasn't of interest.

Eventually Frank had pulled into Nelson Road, the drive seemed a lot faster than it really was because of how easy it was to talk.

"Thank you, Frank. I'll see you at 5, right?" You asked and the older man nodded. "Have a good rest of your day." You saluted him and walked up to the doors of the stadium. Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you entered the building.

Absentmindedly walking down the corridors, you looked around at the walls and folded your arms across your chest looking at the trophy wall; all the history and old photos of Richmond littered within it.

"Excuse me?" a voice spoke from behind you, startling you slightly. You were met with a grin from a lanky looking boy. "Are you lost?" he asked and you only shrugged.

"Guess you could say that." you chuckled awkwardly and lifted your shoulders. "Um, I'm looking for Miss Welton's office. Got lost in thought though."

"Ohhhh, are you Y/N L/N?" the boy asked with a head tilt. In which you responded with a nod. "I can show ya where to go, follow me." he moved slightly before the other nodded and followed behind him.

"Are you the.." you started, "kit... man?" knitting your eyebrows together and stuffing your hands into your jacket's pockets.

"Yeah, I am." he nodded and grinned and stopped at the door to Rebecca's office. "Well, this is it. I'm Will by the way." he said and stuck out his hand for you to shake. You took his hand thankfully.

"Thank you, Will. It was nice to meet you. I'll see you around, yeah?" You waved him goodbye and gently knocked on the slightly open door.

"Come in," a voice shouted, the nerves finally kicking in. Pushing the door open, you were greeted with a warm smile from probably the most beautiful woman you had ever seen. "Hello."

"Errr, hi." you awkwardly smiled, "I'm--"

"Y/N, I've been expecting you." Miss Welton cut the other off, that smile that she held never fading. "Come, sit." she gestured to the chair opposite from her desk. You nodded and set your bag on the floor.

"Okay, um, hi." an awkward smile wavered over the girl's features. Rebecca leaned into her desk, automatically drawn to the way you were acting; that shell she knew she needed to crack.

"Promise I don't bite." the blonde jested which caused you to somewhat get comfortable. "Anyway, we're excited to have you. the boys have been raving about having a cinematographer here to film their every move."

"Thank you for the opportunity, Miss Welton."

"Call me Rebecca."

"Okay.. thank you for the opportunity, Rebecca." you corrected yourself which earned an approving nod and smile from the other. "I'll be here every other day after the school day, during the weekends, and during every game. Even travelling ones, I got the okay from my professors when we learned that this assignment existed."

Rebecca nodded, knowing said information but not wanting to interrupt the girl. "You don't have to start right away, if you want I can introduce you to the boys and everyone else."

With a nod, you pushed herself up off the chair and reached for your bag. "you can leave that in here, we’ll be coming back in here to discuss everything needed.”

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

"This is where the boys have physio, you shouldn't have to come here." The pair chuckled and then Rebecca stopped by a blue door where chatter could be heard inside. "and this is the kit room, where the boys change and where the coaches offices are."

“It smells like sweaty ass in here, just warning you.” the blonde jested, causing you to scrunch her nose. "Shall we?" she asked and you nodded. With a gentle knock on the door Rebecca peeked in. "Everyone decent?" she asked, to which all the boys replied in unison with a 'yes'. smiling contently, the taller lady pushed the door open and pushed you in front of her.

"OI." she announced, "everyone this is, Y/N L/N, our cinematographer from the University of London." everyone cheered happily, most just yelling what sounded like mixes of 'LETS GOOOO', 'FUCK YEAH', and 'WICKED'.

At the sound of a familiar name being called, Jamie looked up and went wide eyed. Holy fuck.

Quickly standing up from where he was sitting, you both made eye contact. Brows knitted together, your eyes looked above his head, the words, ‘TARTT’ in big bold letters made you realise that your suspicions were correct. “No way, Jamie?” you asked and breathed out.

The entirety of the room suddenly went quiet, or so it seemed. You apprehensively walked toward him, Rebecca watching you with a look of confusion. Maybe you were just a fan that he’s seen from time to time? No, that wasn’t the case and she knew it the moment you guys both stared at each other with some form of intensity from you and an apologetic look from him. You looked like you wanted to walk over to him and smack him across his face and he looked like he wanted to wrap his arms around you and tell you how sorry he was.

“I–” Jamie started and made his way closer to you, you dryly chuckled.

“No, I just got here, we can talk later.”

He nodded at your cross response and backed away. You introduced yourself and learned everyone’s names, the coaches were in their office in some sort of meeting and Rebecca told you that you’d be able to meet them later.

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

Back up in Rebecca’s office, you both went over how you were planning on filming. Going over recording some of the boys separately in their element, interviews, etcetera. You also learned that Rebecca was really easy to talk to, like a best friend.

“Alright, Y/N, I must ask,” Rebecca started, handing you a cup of tea. “Back in the locker room, what was that with you and Jamie?” taking the cup and bringing it to your lips, you sighed.

“We go way back, we met back in primary school and we were attached at the hip up until high school. There were moments when our close friends suspected we were a couple.” You trailed off, “but once we graduated everything just kind of.. Fell off, we both went our separate ways. I tried to get back into contact with him but he would say that he was busy or he’d just flat out ignore me.” you looked over at Rebecca to see her eyebrows raised.��

“Sorry, that’s kinda personal innit? Haven’t known each other much.” you said and she just shrugged.

“It’s alright, we’re gonna be getting rather close these next few months, it's a good start for now.” she responded to you, the worry that was on your face was slowly replaced by a warm smile.

“Guess you’re right.”

“‘Course I am, Y/N. ‘Course I am.”

You chuckled and shook your head, taking another sip of your tea. “On another note, I’m quite excited for all of this. Richmond is already so .. nice. I felt welcome the moment I walked in.”

“It does that to you, wait until you meet Ted though, you’ll feel even more welcome.”

As if on cue, there was a gentle knock on the door followed by a man with a moustache walking inside with a beaming grin, “well, howdy y’all.” he greeted. You smiled up at him and stood from your seat, placing your halfway finished mug down on the coffee table.

“Y/N, this is Ted.” Rebecca said. You stuck your hand out for him to shake.

“Nice to meet you, Ted.” You said and he only beamed at you.

“Welcome to the family, Y/N/N.” he replied, your eyes went wide at the sudden nickname. “Its okay if I call you that right? Only seems right with your name.” He chuckled and you nodded.

“Only if I get to call you ‘Teddy’ or somethin’. What's Ted short for anyway?” You asked him, the shift in your demeanour from earlier was like you’ve been here for weeks. “Theodore.” Rebecca chimed in and you grinned over at her and crossed your arms over your torso. “Hmm, then ‘Theo’ will have to do.”

Ted, or Theo smiled from ear to ear. “Glad to hear it, I’ll see y’around.”

You waved the man goodbye and sighed happily. Rebecca stood up from her spot on the sofa and brushed her dress out. “Alright, so, now that we’ve gone over everything, is there anything that you need before you head out for the rest of the day?” she asked you and you shook your head to look down at your watch.

“Nah, I think I’m good.” You said and walked over to where your bag was. “Didn’t even need this today, came over prepared.” chuckling lightly, you leaned down to pick it up.

“Thank you again for being so warm and welcome,” you looked at Rebecca and held your hand out for her to shake it. She took your hand happily, “I’ll see you next week then, to start your work process?” she asked you and you nodded.

“Mhm, yep, and I’ll have everything we went over.” you smiled at her and then bid her farewell.

Walking out of her office and down the stairs you were met with a waiting Jamie, his phone in his hands in a way to distract him. When he heard your footsteps hitting the stairs, he pocketed his device and looked up at you.

“You waited for me.” you said with a raised brow and he nodded.

“Yeah..” he started and you stood in front of him. “I just wanted to .. dunno, apologise?”

“For what? Leaving me alone to think you forgot about me for six years? D’you think I’m just gonna walk right into your arms and accept your apology?” you spat and he took it in. you looked like a wounded puppy and he just wanted to fling forward and hold you. To tell you that everything was gonna be alright and that he wouldn’t dream of doing that to you again.

“Right, right. Yeah, m’sorry ‘bout that.” he looked down at his trainers and nervously gripped his body bag’s strap. “D’ya think we could.. Dunno, go for a walk and talk ‘bout it all?” he asked you, a plea in his eyes.

“I can’t. I have to go back to London, my cabbie is waiting for me.” you replied and rocked on your heels.

“What about when you come back?”

“Dunno, I don’t think I wanna hear some bullshit excuse as to why you left me in the dust.”

“Please, Y/N.” he pleaded, “we don’t even have to talk for long. If you decide that you don’t want anything to do with me or listen then you can walk away.”

You sighed in defeat, “fine.”

He nodded, trying to hide the victorious smile on his lips but failing.

“Wipe that smug grin off your ugly mug before I do it for you.”

“Aye aye.” Jamie responded, that was the Y/N he knew all those years back, and you walked away with a sigh and a shake of your head.

God this was so fucking weird.

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

Once the next week rolled around, you told Bee how you bumped into Jamie, whom you might’ve told her about once or twice.. Or a few times whilst drunk. Telling her stories about how you were, “sooooooo mad at him for ghosting me like that. I loved him ssooooo much and he goes and does that.”

At 10am, Frank pulled into the car park of Nelson Road and you bid him farewell when gathering your belongings. You walked inside, instantly greeted with that family-like haze. A smile wafted on your features, nodding in acknowledgement at whomever passed by.

“Good morning, Y/N/N!” Ted said when you walked by him on your way up to Rebecca’s office. “Mornin, Theo.” you smiled at him and gave him a high five.

The rest of the morning went pretty well – You and blondie, new nickname (Ted approved), going over what you guys went over on your first day, you setting up everything you needed, using one of the meeting rooms as a place to have special interviews for the boys when the time came and making a makeshift desk of one of the tables for when you needed to edit or when you when you weren’t filming.

When lunch time approached, Rebecca asked if you wanted to join her, but you told her that you wanted to make sure that everything was working properly because once everyone was back from the lunch break you were going to record the first of many parts of the boys’ training. She gave you a thumbs up and you were on your merry way to set up a camera outside.

“Headed outside?” a familiar Mancunian accent asked you, you stopped in your tracks and turned toward the voice.

“Mhm, yep.” You said, your change in demeanour going from steadfast wanting to get the hell out.

“Need help?” he asked you, a pleading look in his eyes. You looked down at the gadgets you had in your hands. Setting said things up on your own would not be easy, especially when you don’t have a whole crew to help you with lighting and every other necessity that came with filming.

With a defeated sigh, there was really no point in doing it on your own when the other offered help, you looked at him. “That would.. Be nice,” you started, trailing off, “but aren’t you supposed to be at lunch with the guys or somethin’? Don’t wanna be a bother or anythin’, I’m sure I can manage on my own.”

“Nah, s’no problem. Promise.” he placed his hand on his chest, “Not really hungry anyhow.” he nodded and stepped in front of you to open the door out to the pitch.

“Thanks.” You said and smiled at him thankfully. He nodded and you looked around.

“Hmm, hey, Jamie?” you asked, and he turned to you with his eyebrows up. “Where d’ya reckon would be the best spot to film?”

He pointed to a spot beside where he said that Ted and Beard usually stand and watch, “You can practically see everything from here, but you might have to change directions of the camera every now and then.”

You shrugged and leaned down to unpack your best camera for the outdoors, “that’s fine, its my job anyway.” you set up your tripod and turned your camera on. Looking into the lens, you adjusted the lighting.

“So, Y/N..” Jamie said and stood in front of your camera with some sort of lopsided grin, “D’ya think we could do that talk right now?”

You looked up and huffed, “dunno, are you gonna get out of my way?” he shrugged and moved from the focus. “What is there to really talk about anyway? You ghosted me for years. You didn’t even wish me a happy birthday, or send christmas cards.” With one final twist of your lens you stepped away and looked at Jamie who scratched his neck.

“Yeah, don’t really have an excuse for that. Other than being a professional footballer ‘n all.”

“Yeah, but you still could’ve said something, that's not really a valid excuse.” you replied and gave him a stern look. “Remember what I said about bullshit excuses, Tartt?”

“Wait, no,” he looked at you with a panicked look. “There's really nothin’ that excuses me actions, but please know that I am sorry. I haven’t forgotten about you all these years, y’know.”

“Then why the fuck did you stay silent for so many years? I gave up trying to reach out to you after my twenty - first birthday. Tried seein’ if you wanted to come celebrate and maybe catch up and you NEVER responded.” you placed your hands on your hips and you could see the guilt written all over his face.

“Yeah.” you responded, “but I’m an adult and I ended up forgiving and forgetting until the universe decided to have us cross paths again.” you half jested, Jamie’s lips curling upward just a tinge. “How about I make you a deal?”

He quirked his brows up and you responded with a sigh. “I will forgive you.” you said and watched as his face changed from curious to excited. “If,” you paused, only egging him on, “you promise that it won't happen again, even after this project is done and over with.”

Looking at him expectedly, the brunet stepped forward and engulfed you in a bone crushing hug, the only kind he’d give you after something good happened or after you had a meltdown in front of him. “Cross me heart, Y/N.”

You smiled against his shoulder and hugged him back briefly, only to pull away and stick out your pinky. “Pinky promise me, James.” you said, the full name throwing him off slightly. He intertwined your fingers and you both leaned down to press kisses to your thumbs, sealing the deal.

“Pinky promise.”

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

Alright, STINKIES!!!!!! Let me know if you wanna be on the tag list n stuff!! I'll try to get a few more chapters out this week! They'll probably be a bit shorter, some fillers, some not, etcetera!! ANYWAY!! Thank you for reading <3

#jamie tartt #afc richmond #jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt x you #jamie tartt x y/n #ted lasso #rebecca welton #roy kent #Colin hughes #reader insert #female reader #richmond

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miqojak · 5 months

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10 fandoms, 10 characters, 10 tags

Basic rules: choose 10 fandoms that you are part of/support, and choose a favorite character from each of those. Then, tag ten folks!

Tagged by: @dragonsongmakhali and @thefreelanceangel (thanks! I get around to tagged things eventually, lmao)

This isn't in any particular order, they're just in whatever order they came to mind! I'll also note that I've never really understood the concept of 'being in a fandom'? I just...like the thing? So I guess this is more like "A handful of my all time favorite characters, many of whom went on to inspire me to write similar OCs whether I realized it at the time or not." Anyways, I wax verbose on this, so...buckle up, and thanks ahead of time if you decide to read it all!

I'll go through my recent notifications to tag some folks who've interacted lately (also thanks, I've been very ill and out of it for what feels like months now...) @ashenbun, @the-sycophant, @eorzeanflowers, @iron-sparrow, @briar-ffxiv, @merlwybs-wife, @sundered-souls, @superbolided, @ahollowgrave

1. Harley Quinn, Batman

What's not to love? She's quirky, she's (incredibly) smart, she's bi, and she's just one of many female characters I love for being flawed, but better for it! She's dealing with mental illness, and feels like only this one person understands her - and having been wrapped around a narcissist's finger before? I get it. You don't realize they're a piece of shit until...one day you do, or one day your friends get through to you that this is unhealthy, and you're not really yourself around this person. I love that she gets to be her own character these days, and live her own life, and do what she wants to do (when she figures that out) - I actually love that she works more and more with the Batfam in recent material because...she was never a villain. She's always been chaotic neutral! She changed who she was for the Joker, and was always miserable and mistreated no matter how hard she tried to be exactly who and what he wanted (a mewling servant) - and more often than not, even when she did what she thought he wanted, he still punished and humiliated her (like when she almost killed Batman). Bruce has LONG been on Harley's side, and long tried to talk some sense into her...but I think they'd been 'at odds' for too long for his words to get through to her, and it took the initial mutual compassion (and eventual love) shared between her and Pamela for someone's 'get the fuck out' speech to finally sink in. And now she's a fully realized character/woman with her own goals, her own personality, her own style... and if people don't like that she can do crime AND do good stuff alongside the Batfam? They can fuck off - at least, I imagine she'd say that, tbh. It's her choice - she never wanted what the Joker wanted. She just wanted him to notice her. Now she can act on her whims, and live in the moment and live up to her fullest potential! (Plus, while I'm not Jewish, I love that she is! At least in most iterations that I've seen.)

I think 'hurt people hurt people' is another good tagline for her - because the instant she's shown real compassion...be it from Bruce-outside-the-suit, or Poison Ivy? You can see her heart. You can see the sweet, and loving person she is under all the performing...or 'masking', you might say. The tragic clown doesn't need your laughter... they need your compassion. They need you to listen.

2. Mackayla Lane, The Fever Series (I've read this series at least 6 times, and recommend you read it, too!)

Mackayla is a self-centered, pink-loving, girly-girl who doesn't think heavy thoughts - she likes to sunbathe, paint her nails, and enjoy lazy southern days by the pool, when she's not working part time as a bartender. Until her sister is murdered on a trip abroad, and in her fervor to find out what happened - and why it feels like nothing is being done about it - she picks up and goes to Ireland in search of clues her own damn self...and finds out about this whole hidden legacy of the Sidhe, Sidhe-Seers, and why/how she and her sister are tied into this world. It's such an emotional journey! She evolves into someone different a few times throughout this journey of grief, self-discovery, and...eventually, love. She learns to be more introspective, to be more aware of those around her, to look deeper in herself for strength, so as to never be a damsel in distress again - she fights furiously for a sister we never get to see alive. (and I love a good story about a character central to the plot who is dead before the story even begins, tbh.) She goes from someone I'd roll my eyes at, to someone I'd look up to, instead. She learns to be fierce, but not to lose her compassion in doing so. She learns to fight for not just herself, but others. She suffers, and it breaks her for a time - but she comes out of it stronger for it. She doesn't let it hold her down, anymore - she can't afford to, doesn't want to...she wants to fight back.

I love character development, and she's got it in spades...and that's not even touching on all the OTHER amazing characters around her in this series. Also, if you like a spicy slow-burn, this is it. 'Begrudging allies to lovers' is how I'd term it, I suppose. (I still long for a high production value show of this series...especially bc it would appeal to all kinds of people - it even goes post-apocalyptic later on! But not for the usual reasons.)

3. Margo Hanson, The Magicians (The show, not the books, for once)

Feminist icon without being 'cringe' about it - and has a line I love, later on, about how her father told her she could be anything she wanted...until she wanted to be those things. Suddenly, the world wanted her to pick - you can't be strong AND womanly; 'you can't have both,' they told her. And she said 'Fuck You', and did it anyways. She is impossibly strong, but even she feels deeply on the inside. She rarely, if ever, lets it show how heavy the weight of the world is...she just shoulders on, and does the things no one else will do. She stands up for what's right, and now and then she fucks things up, too...because she's only human. But she's never apologetic about who she is. She lives out loud, owns her body, owns her opinions, and the rest of the world better get the fuck out of her way, because she's got a witty one-liner...and a gun.

He's an alcoholic/addict, he's a wet rag, and he's basically the world's best occultist... whether you love him or hate him. (I love bisexuals getting the spotlight in media, so it's nice that he's that, too!) He's a rat bastard who's just trying to get by in a world that's chewed him up and spit him out time and time again - he drinks the pain away, he chases death, and...despite his best efforts, he lives. Because anytime he actually comes close to death, he realizes that it's all worth fighting for, actually - even if he always falls off the path again. Notably, neither he nor Harley Quinn were really supposed to be longstanding characters...and now they're both fully fleshed out people, and a couple of my favorites! I like that he's complex, mentally ill, and still tries to do what's right, most of the time. But the world pushes his hand, and something's got to give, and unfortunately it's usually the people around him who end up paying the price...which doesn't mean that he doesn't carry that guilt for the rest of his life, mind you. But the world itself was saved! ...though he'll never not regret the harm it causes the few people he lets close, and how it then causes so many others to avoid him like the plague, as they assume he's just a shit who will sacrifice his friends at the drop of a hat. He's the reluctant savior. The...anti-hero? I'm not even sure that's right, because he does want to do good. He just... does some fucked up things to achieve that good, because there's often genuinely no other way - and no one else has the fortitude or the know-how to do it but him. So he'll carry that load, so others don't have to. He'll smoke it away, drink it away...anything he has to, to quiet the guilt, and shame of saving the world from the shadows...never being thanked for it, because he doesn't fly around in spandex, or drive a fancy animal-themed car.

4. John Constantine, Hellblazer/DC Comics (An anti-hero I love, a rare bi-disaster MAN in media, and my favorite occultist/wizardy person in fiction, I think...besides Margo.)

Also, his Hellblazer comics are very politically left leaning and he shits on Tories and racists and homophobia, etc. He might hide his pain in ways that make him seem like a piece of shit, but at heart he knows what's right, and that his fellow man deserves better. (Also, it's implied that he slept with/dated King Shark...you go, king.)

5. Dracula, Bram Stoker's Dracula and Castlevania (first the game, then the show) I was obsessed with the book even as a kid, and when I saw the most iconic scene in a video game ever, I was in love with his Castlevania counterpart, too.

Not much else to add to this one - I just think he's cool! I love vampires! I love Mina, as well, for all the strength she shows in the face of almost-certain-doom...but I love a good villain, and Dracula is the perfect villain. Also, it turns out the whole book might just have been one big, gay metaphor from a man in the closet! That's pretty cool to find out, after all these years. I do love the backstory from the film of him being SO IN LOVE with his wife that he cursed God and just...became a vampire. Because 'I fought in your crusades and you let the woman I love kill herself? Fuck you, I'm just never going to die. Now I'll kill all your beloved humans!' Castlevania's backstory is similar enough that I enjoy both iterations of it - a man driven to madness by love, and loss...and in Castlevania, it's not even his FAULT he keeps getting summoned back, which is where this scene below even comes from, which kinda cracks me up. He specifically points out what pieces of shit humans are...they say they hate him, but it's humans who always summon him back to do THEIR dirty work.

6. Taimi, Guild Wars 2

When you first meet her, she's a bobble headed child prodigy, even among the incredibly intelligent race of Asura, with big hair and an even bigger pink bow on her head - who has a terminal illness, and a physical disability from it that makes it hard for her to walk...but it never stops her. Not even once. Commander might be a badass, but they'd be nothing without Taimi's vast intelligence saving the world time and again - and you almost have to watch her die! She loses her favorite mech, which is both a walking apparatus and her best friend, and goes on to lose her best friend/love interest...and the pain never breaks her. She's a literal child, a teen/young adult by current story - and the endurance and compassion and strength she shows are just...making me emotional to even write about. And while she's still alive in story at present (and they've aged her up over time!)... we discussed with her not that long ago in story how she is dying - and she feels the pressure to get as much done as she can before that day. But one day, she won't be with us anymore...and despite all the people that Commander has lost? I'll never be ready to lose my little rat-daughter.

Go play Guild Wars 2.

7. Jaina, World of Warcraft

You meet her as a young woman, in Warcraft - an idealist who believes in peace, and stands against the open, and blatant racism against the Orcs, and the Horde. She strives for this peace so hard that she allows her own father to be executed - and for years, she stands with the Horde, and speaks on their behalf and fights for peace...until those same people go out of their way to not just screw her over, but almost kill one of the only family members she has who accepts her, and steal an ancient artifact that could basically just wipe out the Alliance much like the bomb that was used to wipe out the whole city she was in charge of. She suffers from the guilt of not trying harder to help Arthas. She suffers so...so much guilt, for so many things. She isn't perfect, and she has acted out of hurt, and rage at times - but she grows, and learns, and becomes this whole person comprised of beautiful flaws and complexities. I know what it's like to have your friends betray you, and want to burn it all down. I know what it's like, to need years to come to terms with that hurt. I know the pain of years and years of guilt and self-loathing and 'what-if's'. Jaina has become an amazing woman who has helped people, hurt people, and learned both difficult, and beautiful lessons along the way, to become an ultimately better person who still believes in the rights of all people...just with less of that youthful naivete that got her so hurt and blindsided.

8. Ahsoka, Star Wars: The Clone Wars

I put off watching Clone Wars, and thought I wouldn't like how they worked Ahsoka in...and boy was I ever wrong. Finally, at long last, there's a female character who is given as thorough a Jedi treatment as Luke, or Anakin...if not better! I love analyzing the 'family lineage' of which Jedi mentors which, and it's a bit funny how Qui-Gon was a rule-breaker paired with Obi-Wan-the-rule-lover...and then he ended up with a padawan even more about going against the grain, because Qui-Gon was supposed to have 'raised' Anakin, himself - then Anakin ends up with a Padawan in an attempt to teach him about how to move on from loss...because all padawans grow up and move on with their lives, one day - but he ended up with someone just as hard-headed and outspoken and out-going as him, and he got a taste of what it was like to be his master! All that said, Ahsoka grows and develops and learns hard lessons, and...grows up as a child soldier in a war the Jedi never should have been a part of, anyways - and (spoilers) when she goes on to be wrongfully accused of a crime by the Jedi Council...they try to walk it back later by saying 'oh this was clearly a test by the Force and you've passed, hooray promotion'. Ahsoka is having none of it. It's hypocrisy. It's a lie. They can't put their own pride aside, and admit that they were wrong! And why would she want to be a part of an organization like that? That's not a promotion at all. Now she'd be just like them, and that leaves a sour taste in her mouth. (Not to mention other hypocritical things she notices throughout the series.) She goes on to learn to live in balance - not all emotions are bad. It's not about complete eradication of emotion, but learning which ones to cultivate, and which ones to set aside and think on. She learns what the elder (extremist) Jedi will not - balance. She becomes better than all those who came before...even Yoda, who is in her Jedi-family-lineage; he admits that the Jedi are blinded by their arrogance, but he's among them! I love everything about her story...so far, at least. I've got yet more catching up to do with Rebels and the Ahsoka show.

9. Asajj Ventress, Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Honestly, I like her for a lot of the reasons I like Ahsoka - they're like two sides of a coin, and I think she even says this to Ahsoka later in the series. But Asajj suffered immensely early in life, and lost two father figures (even if one of them was her kidnapper) - to include a Jedi Knight who was briefly her Master, before he was slain in battle. She was picked up by Count Dooku, and had her pain and hate stoked like a fire...and in time he betrayed her, as well. And still...she went on to be resilient, strong, smart, and a master in her own fields of stealth and assassination. She learned hard lessons, and learned to think for herself - she learned that she didn't need any of those men who had come before, in her life...she only needed herself. Her own wits. Her own strength. Her own intelligence. Much like Ahsoka, she broke away from what others tried to mold her into, and became her own woman... whether people liked who she became, or not.

She's a badass. Watch Clone Wars. Read her books.

10. Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Does this one need a reason? She's an imperfect badass, too! She's a lot like Mac, mentioned earlier - she's girly, but not always. Sometimes it concerns her what people might think of that - being feminine, but strong - but she learns to embrace her strength and ferocity and role in the supernatural world... although not without bucking against the system just like Ahsoka and Ventress do - she makes it her own. She plays by her rules, not the Council's, not her Watcher's...and when she does so selfishly, and screws up, she learns a hard lesson about the wisdom and input of your friends and family, and considering how your choices affect those around you. She decides she will not be a dog on a leash for the Council (maybe she was some inspiration for Ahsoka...) - she's here to do two things: look fly, and kick monster ass. Oh yeah - and empower other young women to do the same.

Honorable mentions for Spike (from Buffy), Lucifer (from the self-titled show), Aurene (GW2), Eliot Waugh (The Magicians), Catra (SPOP)

You'll no doubt note that pretty much all the women on the list are people who suffered immensely/were wronged and eventually grew stronger for that, and overcame both the situation and their own flaws...I love a bitch who can overcome both her own flaws, and the world itself being against her!

#favorite characters #blorbo from my shows #ugh I hate that word #The list goes on but we'd be here all week if I went on about EVERY character I love

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lilalbatross · 3 months

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What are your thoughts on the latest season of Fire Country? I thought Bode would of been in jail longer than he was and not allowed back out to fires due to his failure at the test. I don't know why but I was expecting his dad and Manny to be trying to find out the truth and figure out how corrupt the system is and save Bode before he gets hurt or taken down for life never getting out or something.

oh man, okay. first off i wanna say i think the writing on FC is always a bit of a mess. i mean that with love cause this show has burrowed way deeper into my brain than it has any right to, but also it's never gonna get an emmy nom for writing, ya know?

I also thought the prison stuff would last a little longer??? not half the season or anything, but at least like...an entire episode lmao. at the same time i get it, cause Three Rock is so central to the show and we need Bode in Edgewater so the plot can turn, but it also made it feel very much like everything in the finale was for shock value in the moment, without the slightest consideration for how it would affect the plot once they had to actually deal with it

but then that's classic FC really (remember that time Eve was an alcoholic for like two episodes and then it never came up again?)

in terms of everything else:

my biases are no secret, but Vince is easily the best part of the season so far. you can feel the claw marks where he's trying so hard to hold everything together, cause someone's gotta when Bode's in prison and Sharon's fucked off doing whatever. Vince is miserable which means Billy Burke's making kicked puppy faces left and right and i'm just gobbling them up. and bitchy 2x03 Vince had shades of Miles Matheson, which is always a good time

2x01 and 2x02 Sharon didn't feel like Sharon. like at all lol. the writers were trying something and it wasn't working for me. 2x03 she's back, babyyyyy. but also why the fuck has she taken like three demotions if Jake now outranks her. and how long does it take to recover from a kidney transplant, considering the first time skip was only five months and she was at the campaign fire for three months????

loving the moments between Manny and Sharon cause they actually feel like friends, instead of last season where they kept saying they were friends but the vibe was fully just "i am sleeping on my boss' couch and this is weird for everyone"

i'm on the fence about Eve. love her to death, but the handling of her Three Rock transition feels clumsy from a writing perspective. but i'll be patient. also give my girl a love interest who doesn't vanish please i'm begging

Jake's plots feel like nothing so far. i'm hoping s2 will give him more to work with, cause in s1 he was either criminally underutilized or set in opposition to Bode when the show wanted you to root for Bode. which. sucked.

Bode and Gabi, together and as individuals, are always the least interesting part of this show to me. Gabi's engaged to a guy she just met. sure. whatever. i guess that's a thing she'd do. i'm already tired.

Genevieve. i was pissed when they teased this plot in the finale, but actually she's perfect and i love her and they've given her a very french name for some reason????? anyway i want hours and hours of her interacting with Vince cause the Scorsese moment was Everything to me. she's precious. this is my daughter now.

#asks #fire country #that was way longer than i expected or probably you wanted i'm so sorry.????#oh well #and pls excuse typos i'm in the office rn

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raksh-writes · 3 months

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Welp, today's the day I finally stepped on a scale after, like, I dunno, years probably? Aaaanndd well... that was a number I haven’t seen there before xd Which is both good and bad.

Bad because I gained a few kgs since the last time and apparently went over the healthy bmi and body fat amount (not by a lot, but like around 1,5 each), if the online calculators are to be believed, but it's also good in the sense this might finally give me enough motivation to kick myself in the ass and start moving goddammit.

I've already been trying to do some light exercises a couple times a week but maybe this will help me up the ante + I have, for the first time in my life, decided to try and count my calories intake. Which is... weird, lmao, but also interesting? I haven’t been eating a lot, tbh, and pretty much no sweets or snacking, I kinda grew out of it? So I guess most of my added weight comes from lack of exercise and maaaybe hormone changes. Ive been on and off the pill several times during the last year-two, currently off for a couple of months, so I think that could’ve thrown my body into alarm mode of gathering fat "just in case".

With the calories intake counting, Im mainly curious to see how much I get in the day when I eat as I normally do and if there's a reason for the weight gain somewhere in there. Like today Im already after dinner and I'll probably only make myself a light supper and won’t even meet the amount the app Im using calculated for me to lose the weight I want (5 kg for now to get back to the healthy bmi scale), so that's very interesting and Im wondering if maybe Im eating less on some days but more on others and that's also making my body "put away" the extra? I don’t actually know how all of this works, so Im just making guesses right now.

And the exercise part, ooof. It didn’t use to be so hard, goodness grace, Im Really out of shape. Tho, I guess the added kgs are impacting me too. Im starting slow, mostly stretching + some squats, some shorter video exercises, the kind. I know it'd probably help to make a regime, but that's only gonna make me miserable, so for now Im setting myself a goal of just Doing Something everyday and whenever I feel stronger, I'll just do more on the day. Otherwise the pressure I put on myself might kill any fun or motivation Id have.

This is pretty much just my personal rambling, which I might turn into a bit of a diary to help myself keep track and all (its weirdly easier to just type up a tumblr post than open up a notebook and write it down? Huh...), so like if anyone got through this whole post, damn, thank you, I guess, hah. If you have any tips, I'd be glad to read them! ^^

Let's see how long this bout of motivation lasts me 😂🙈

#personal #Raksh posts #starting a weight loss journey I guess??#tho those are some big words oof #but yeah I do wanna try and lose some weight #see how my eating habits look rn and try to improve them going further #try and exercise more too #Ive already did around an hour today #mostly stretching plus some weight exercises like squats and big for the arms #I might try some more stretchinf in the eveninf #I know these are very light effort but Im telling myself I gotta start somewhere #little baby steps!#I do need a tag for this hmmm #Rakshs weighty ramblings #alright that'll do for now #feel free to block the tag!#I might make these posts more regular who knows!#gotta try and make myself consistent or something 😅#and now I think Im gonna reward myself with some gaming ^^

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elmhat · 8 months

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for the fic writer ask game, I'd like to say 1-77 but let's narrow it down a bit: 3, 8, 19, 41, 45, 58, 72?

You're giving me a workout. Thanks!

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

… Y’all have a creative process? I just slam letters until words appear.

I guess with longer projects I like to have a loose plan before I start writing (after learning from my hallow the foul mistakes—) but that could just be a few bullet points. I usually have a rough idea of what’s going to happen chapter by chapter, but there isn’t really a structure besides I just feel like it. Other than that, I just… let characters talk? All my fics are just excuses for a conversation to happen. I have no power over their words; I become possessed by the spirit of c!Dream.

8. Do you prefer the beginning, middle, or end of a story?

I actually like writing the beginning the most! Which is probably why I’ll end up writing the beginning for 100 fics and reach the middle in 2 of them. Starting something new just gives you so much freedom. If I’m reading, though, the middle is the most exciting.

19. What is the most-used tag on your ao3?

“Author is a Clay | Dream Apologist (Video Blogging RPF)”

Yeah, that figures lmao. 10 out of my 12 fics. I tend to use it often because I know that’s how some people like to filter their fics—opinions on Dream get heated.

41. Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person?

REREAD. Reread and then eat them. I must come back to my favourites at least on a monthly basis, they’re just so good. I can’t imagine not rereading something you love.

45. Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh?

Heartbreak is fun! There are probably like occasional comedic moments in my fics, but writing funny stuff is hard, and writing sad stuff is easy, and I’ll take that easy road any day. Or maybe I just like being sad.

(I won't say what it was, but there was a fic I read months ago that was still weighing on me days after finishing it. It was the most beautiful ending. I'll never be that good, but if I can give people at least some sense of that feeling, my work is done.)

58. What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc)

It might be brainstorming/outlining—it can be really satisfying when something just clicks into place. Planning everlasting evermore was really fun!

(Unless, of course, I’m outlining hallow the foul, which was the most miserable experience of my life because I wrote the first chapter without really planning to continue it and then suddenly I’m 8 chapters deep with no idea where I’m going and scrambling to throw a plan together with pieces that don’t fit and pretending that was my intention the whole time—)

(I love that fic, I promise.)

72. What order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

Usually just chronological—you kind of have to when you’re posting chapter by chapter—but sometimes I’ll have a scene idea and I’ll just have to write that moment first. The reason why a lot of my unposted fics are unposted fics is because they’re a bunch of random scenes with nothing joining them together. Which I’m now realizing sounds weird after I just said that I love writing beginnings. This tree is not taking any questions, thank you very much.

#thanks for asking!#there needs to be an artist version of this #elm asks #elm ask games

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hshouse · 2 years

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Umm so I think we might be going into the same field but like i just started grad school a month ago and I'm struggling so fcking hard keeping up with all the work (my adhd meds are NOT doing the job i need them to be doing) and socially i have not clicked with ANYONE and I feel so intimidated and isolated and I know I stick out not talking to anyone bc EVERYONE in my section is always talking to someone and people have already started forming groups and made friends but I just dont know how to I guess??? Idk but I feel like im 8 years old again with no friends which is a bizarre fucking feeling to have at 23. But like its BAD and I can't even speak up in the classes that don't cold call and ask for volunteers even though I want to do well so badly bc I feel so fucking small amongst all these people. I just kind of completely shut down as soon as I walked into the first day of orientation and haven't recovered from that.

And like I'm so fucking scared to start working bc even though i took two years off from undergrad I'm so burnt out already and jumping straight into the corporate world seems terrifying for my mental health (and general health tbh) but like going into PI isn't really an option bc if I'm going to go through with this I NEED to be making money to make it worth it and I guess what I'm trying to ask is like does this shit actually get better??? bc I'm highkey spiraling and have been since I started school and I honestly don't know if I'd be better off dropping out and going back to teaching even though I'll be absolutely broke and living at home for the foreseeable future or if I should just stick it out and be able to afford to support my parents and fucking take my siblings to disneyland for the first time. Like i knew this was gonna be hard but I guess it's just hitting me actually being here how fucking miserable I am and just I dont know. Sorry for dumping all this on you 😬 I guess I'm just wondering if you have any advice? Like I'm so scared I'm not gonna make it, like I'm not cut out for this field and am just gonna get absolutely crushed by it. And like I know that on paper I'm fucking smart af and definitely deserve to be here, like I'm at a fucking ivy league rn, they wouldn't let me in if they didn't think I'd make it. I just am finding it very hard to believe that I'm actually going to have a successful career if I'm struggling this bad at the very start.

Also idk how tf you went to school in a completely different country, like MAJOR props to you bc that must have been SO fucking hard. I'm struggling with moving across the country to a state where I know absolutely no one, but at least I know one of my siblings is an hour flight away and the rest of my family/friends are an 8 hr flight away. You should be VERY proud of yourself (I'm sure you are) bc I've only been in grad school for a month and this shit is SO HARD to handle and like fuck you're almost done with it and about to start your career and that shit is fucking AMAZING and BADASS and I genuinely wish you all the fucking success in your future

Hi bby,

Oh we are definitely doing the same thing. Thank you for the wonderful compliments, I really really appreciate it. And congrats on getting in!

I’m sure you know that this is the hardest year. It also has NO no NOOO bearing on your talent for the job. First thing they tell you at the job orientation is “nothing you learned in grad school will be useful here.” Shdjsh it’s a completely different thing that is muuuuuch more enjoyable than the boring ass stuff you are learning rn. For me it felt very much like year 1 is one program and years 2&3 are a totally different thing. Once you get your job during summer 1, all bets are off lmao. You just need to finish the thing. So really the pressure is only for 1 year. So that helps with the mindset of like “I only need to get to May.” In terms of getting the job, I have to be honest: they only care about your school. I had straight Bs and got like a major one. On the first group of the rank if you know what I mean. So go into knowing that you WILL get an offer and most likely many. I always tell people that getting into the school is the last real hurdle. Now, you just ride the wave. Once you get the job you will really feel like it’s done.

About the job itself, there is genuinely no better job out there. Yes it is a shit show in terms of commitment and amount of work but it is absolutely disproportionally well compensated. Like in a bizarre way. You will not get fired (unless you like assault a person etc). So you have this job kind of for life? It’s extremely secure. Do not get intimidated by it. It’s mostly you alone on your computer lmao it’s lit. You are so close to this DO NOT drop out. It is worth it. The money will change your family’s life. It will change your life for ever. Even if you leave at one point.

You are the same age I was and I get the vibe. It’s annoying but *none of it matters*. I just treat it like its drivers ed lmao. I’m there to be able to do the thing. I don’t care about yall wihdishshs. Speaking in class is meaningless and getting it wrong is like whatever. Do you care when ppl get it wrong? I barely notice it. So I think shifting your mindset from “this is undergrad 2.0” to “this is a prep course I am in and out of here” really helped me. I felt very alone during year 1. But as soon as year 2 starts everyone gets shuffled around so that cliquey feeling goes away massively.

I hope this helps! Pls come back if you have more questions as you move through the stages. But I promise you, you are in the worst part of it. Hang in there!!!!!

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zanarkandfayth · 1 year

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blah blah talking about my health cos I feel like it, ignore if you're just here for fandom stuff

went for my post-op follow-up monday and finally, finally got a fucking name for what's been wrong with me. am not going to bother googling for the official name again lmao but basically it's chronic (not acute) gallbladder disease. no stones whatsoever, just my gallbladder deciding to give up the ghost and getting inflamed over and over for years and scarring each time and that's why for the past three or four years food has made me gradually more and more sick to my stomach and left in pain after eating until last summer when it finally erupted into the pain that sent me to urgent care who sent me to the ER (yay, more debt I'll never pay).

on the one hand, I'm so goddamned relieved to finally have a diagnosis and KNOW that I'm not fucking imagining it or making it up after all my tests and scans kept coming back as negative/normal (mostly cos no stones, but who knows why the HIDA one showed nothing wrong), but on the other hand, I mentioned the nausea and pain to my GP when it first started and he fucking dismissed the nausea entirely as caused by my acid reflux and wanted to put me on medication for IBS "to see if it helps" without actually TESTING me at all for IBS, it was just because of the stomach pain and absolutely no fucking other typical symptoms (I refused, btw, after googling and seeing that it could CAUSE issues if you took meds and didn't have IBS) and I can't help but feel like it wouldn't have gotten nearly so bad if he'd taken me seriously from the start and referred me to a specialist instead of dicking around and doing fuck-all for a few years. and because I'm poor as fuck and have no insurance, finding a new doctor wasn't an option for me. ugh. hate the state of healthcare in this fucking country. so my relief is kinda soured by that.

anyways, it can take up to two months for my body to adjust and I might always struggle to eat certain things so I'm still kinda hrgh about it and food is still miserable right now, but if I could just get back to being able to eat most of my normal things I could live with that, so... fingers crossed I guess. also the incisions STILL haven't healed, though I finally got the steri-strips off, but tbh that's just made it even harder to not scratch... it's absolutely killing me, I need them to just scar so fucking badly hhhhhh.

also I still have my chronic fatigue and other health problems that I couldn't get my doctor to take seriously, so that's fun. but he left the clinic a few months ago so maybe whoever is going to replace him will be more willing to listen to me. I'm so tired of being tired and if I have to be tired, I want some fucking disability so I can at least buy my own goddamn groceries.

the end. I ate earlier so I'm actually feeling sick so I'm going to reread the last few chapters of my fic and then maybe I'll actually be capable of writing, if the brain fog isn't too bad. stupid fatigue.

#ocassionally I just need to treat my tumblr like it's my old livejournal #I got nowhere else to vent at this point #and I'm beyond caring who reads about my boring life #so sorry not sorry #sigh #real life #ignore me #physical health

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elliebear666 · 1 year

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Me, in school, daydreaming instead of paying attention and then getting in trouble for not paying attention.

It's funny, but... being homeschooled catered to my learning style. It was one on one and engaging. I liked almost all of the stuff we studied. It was genuinely interesting. When I got to public school, my grades at first were great and it wasn't terribly hard because, thanks to our homeschool curriculum, I knew most of the shit we were being taught.

However, as I progressed in middle school, my grades steadily declined until I was failing like one class with a D in another and mostly Cs or Bs. It was a nightmare in a few of the classes I was in. I'd daydream or zone out or dissociate. I had a lot of anxiety and, of course, gender dysphoria. I was miserable tbh. Being homeschooled, my mom would take us out to do stuff, she'd show us things and read books to us. She kept us engaged by speaking to us.

I can see how coming to an ADHD (inattentive) diagnosis could be difficult. I mean, there was a lot going on with me.

I think that my persistent day dreaming instead of focusing on the task at hand, forgetfulness, distractibility, and short attention span (unless engaged by something I really liked) are definitely indicative of that, though. I mean, I went through all of this with my psychiatrist. It wasn't like I just said, "So, I think I have ADHD" and he prescribed me strattera. We talked about this for a while.

I mean, I guess my forgetfulness could be chalked up to like dissociation. Like, I'll set down an object, turn around, and then literally forget where I put it. "Out of sight, out of mind." I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. I'm incredibly forgetful and disorganized. I can't manufacture the motivation to clean my room beyond basic tasks that still take a lot of gumption to get going. Like I got in trouble with my landlord because I wasn't keeping my apartment clean. Not because I was like, "I don't want to >:(" but genuinely because it seemed so daunting and overwhelming and difficult, and the very simple matter of manufacturing motivation made it seem impossible. Like, when my friend Lettii would come over, she would help me organize my space because when she'd leave it was nice but within a week or so it was a mess. All my shit is in a big pile in my closet. I have tons of odds and ends I've forgotten about tucked away in a multitude of bags and boxes in my closet.

I forget to change my cat's water, or to change her litter. To feed her, unless I see it is empty and act on it right away, or she wakes me up with her paws in my face.

I used to literally need my mom to remind me every single day to take my medication because I would forget. So I put alarms on my phone. I would still forget. Recently, however, I'm actually surprised at how well I'm doing with my meds. My alarm to take meds goes off and usually within a little while I'd have taken them. This is a development in my life that is actually awesome. It makes me feel so proud of myself lmao, that I can manage my own meds xD

But then there's the matter of bills. Maybe this makes me an absolute pathetic loser, but my mom helps me pay my bills because I keep forgetting. Like, the only reason my rent gets paid on time each month is because she will write the check, hand it to me and say "Go pay it now." The one time that she wrote the check and gave it to me a a day before I was supposed to pay rent, I forgot. It took me four days to realise that the baggy on my TV stand, which is cluttered with countless random objects, had a check in it. So I paid it like three days late and I got another mark on my record.

I literally pay my phone bill late almost every single month. The times I don't get it within four days of the due date, I usually get a message that says, "You need to pay your phone" or my mom says, "Did you pay your phone." I'll say no, and promise to do it when I get home. But I'll have forgotten about it within a few minutes at most. My mom will give me instructions for something, and I'll sometimes need her to repeat it. But about 70-80% of the time, by the time I get to where I need to be to deal with whatever it is I need to deal with, I've forgotten what I need so say. Like I had a thing I was doing a while ago and my mom gave me instructions and naturally I forgot what I was supposed to say so I awkwardly stumbled over my words until they figured out what I needed. They thought it was kind of funny but honestly it was fucking humiliating. I felt like a fucking stupid idiot. To top it off, most of the time I have an appointment, I'm either getting distracted or don't process what they say, or by the time I leave, I've forgotten everything that was said. My mom would ask me how things went and what they said and I'll just say, "I don't remember. I have bits and pieces, but I don't remember."

Like, this isn't a, "Shucks, I can't focus so it must be the ADHD :(" situation. This is a... my forgetfulness, inattentiveness, distractibility, and overall inability to manage my life has culminated in me being dependent on my fucking mom to keep me from becoming homeless lol.

Like this is bad. It isn't just anxiety or depression that makes me forget to pay my bills. I've actually reduced anxiety and depression by an enormous amount. I've transitioned. I'm on hormones. I'm taking my meds. No depressive episodes or mania in months. Only periodic BPD symptoms. And yet I still forget to pay my rent. Like... idk, man

It isn't like I WANT this to be a thing lmao, it isn't cool. It fucking SUCKS. This is absolute fucking ass, y'all. This blows donkey dick. My life is so difficult due my various problems that I genuinely can't function like a normal person.

Like, when I was little, I used to be so inattentive and distracted, whether daydreaming or whatever, that I'd put my dirty underwear in the freezer or the trash instead of in the hamper IN THE OTHER ROOM. Like ALL THE TIME XD. This didn't start in adulthood. So, maybe I was so anxious and depressed and traumatized by my family life. Maybe, sure. I could accept that. I just... I don't think that's what was going on when I was little. Like, most of the trauma came and got worse after those symptoms were noticed.

I told my mom about possibly seeing a psychologist to get an in-depth assessment beyond what I've already gotten and she said that like... well she basically said that my psychiatrist has already done that, and that my history is indicative of that too.

Idk. I get stressed and look for anything that this issue might he besides ADHD, and nothing really tracks. No other issue causes all of these symptoms besides being an absolute fucking idiot.

I mean, both my psychiatrist and my therapist agree on ADD, but again I guess I could go see a psychologist. Idk what that would change. It would be two or so sessions with someone that has never met me before and has no knowledge of my mental health history. They'd probably interview my mom I guess. She could tell them she pays my bills because I'm too stupid to do it myself, I guess. That I used to talk so rapidly and fast as a child that most people couldn't understand me. That I was so forgetful that she constantly made comments about it.

I'm honestly too tired to worry about this right now so I guess I'll just do something else instead of fretting over this shit.

I mean, I'll be fifty and still forgetting to take my brain with me when I leave the house.

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payidaresque · 2 years

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Damla's fans ruined Damla for me. Before Aziz I had only seen her in The Ottoman show on Netflix and her acting was not that memorable. I started watching the show because of Murat, and from the beginning I Knew it was based on Poldark, so I knew that the main ship eventually will be Aziz and Efnan. I feel sorry for Damla because she had to play such a horrible character and for having a toxic fandom. At some point some of them even started shipping Murat and Damla.

Some of Murat's fans also ruined Ramo for me. These two groups I think were the only ones happy about the cancellation. Ramo's fans are still waiting for Ramo season three (lol good luck with that)

As much as I loved Murat and Simay working together, I hope Simay doesn't work with Murat any time soon. His toxic fans bullied her all these months because according to them he has out of this world chemistry with Esra and she is the only worthy of him.

And I hope she never works with Damla ever again. Just…. No no no!

I know how much the cancellation affected you. I hop you're doing better, and thanks for the wonderful gifsets and the blog you created!

Jesus.. people still do that? I mean, shipping actors with their partners EVEN KNOWING that one of them is LITERALLY MARRIED? Oh wow. Okay. I'm guessing they're either have really boring and miserable lives, or just stupid, i don't know. I guess every celebrity has a group of toxic fans and maybe sometimes it is better not to react in any way not to add fuel to the fire (that's regarding both Damla & Murat), because i remember the same situation happening with Stefan/Elena/Damon from the Vampire Diaries. And i'm guessing that'll happen to almost every partner Murat/Damla's gonna have from now on, because that's just the way people are apparently, some people just don't know when to stop (lmao, i'm guessing when they saw Asi, they literally must've been exploded huh 💀). At the end of the day, all that matters is that Simay & Murat were actually comfortable working together, and despite all the chaos recieved a lot of love and support from fans who are actually able to think before talking. Although i'll be honest and say that all this time that i spent on twitter, i never saw a Murat fan who would Insult Simay, whereas Damla's fans are just... off the leash. But that's most likely because i never did go that deep 💀 God i hope they do know that people love them, because i was just scrolling through Aziz tag couple of hours ago and most people are praising them 💜

And knowing the tendency of projects coming out, i don't think SImay & Murat will work together again any time soon, because the gap between Ramo and Aziz was literally 2 years (if i'm not mistaken), and Simay needs to take a step further in her career, and be "in her own league" and i really wish her a big, big project with the lead role, where she can truly be a star, on her own, and i really hope that'll happen, because she deserves everything

I really think people need to learn how to behave, and differentiate one from the other, because that's actually real people you're talking about, not some fantasies in your head

Yes, i'm still not in a good mood actually, i just think that happened too suddenly, but i'll get there. Thanks for all the love 💜

#answered #aziz #aziz whining

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lottovalentino · 2 years

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nothing like getting hit with the realization that i am (in fact.) not that good at english at all

#You've got the Skills of an Idiot who got Too Much Praise typa beat #for local standards....#its good. it's Excellent even #but digging any further than that. brain empty #i realized it as i was writing these past few months. i have no vocabulary. i can't spell (well known fact). i don't know tenses #i jjust guess shit?? which works casually but i just know i'll get bonked on the head as soon as i get into university #Oh you're here for an english degree? ok. spell villin. villian. villain . thats what i thought you fucking degenerate #i bought fucking. les miserables #with a translation from the godforsaken. mid 1800s naively thinking i'll be able to combat my way through it.#no i wont #no i wont???lmao #whatever god i am your weakest soldier . im too pretty for this why #.txt

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kohakhearts · 3 years

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we all carry within / these inhuman veins / a latent toxicity. / we cannot write of life / until we have experienced / some form of death.

#taylor.txt #guess this goes in #wips #mine #although the poem is finished LMAO its part of a bigger collection though #i was just thinking wow. this stanza. kinda fucks. i wrote it months ago but was just sifting thru said collection #wow. [pensive]. wow #i dont have commentary im just kinda. HUH. wanted to share.....because god knows if i'll ever finish my collection #its 9 poems by 12 sections...currently have 3 sections complete and a bit of the 4th #i think i'll start working on it again before the winter melancholy hits and i cant write the parts of the collection that arent miserable

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awkwardtickleetoo · 2 years

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hellloooo!!! a prompt for your 100 followers!!! congrats again!! very deserved! very very much!! i reread your fics so much they’re 😵‍💫🤌🏼

prompt 20: “This is not what we agreed on!” with ler dream lee george (cc or c, don’t mind at all). possibly george wants something, and dream promises to give george the something but only if dream is allowed to tickle george first. except then dream somehow cheats (traps his arms, makes him hold his arms out, goes longer than the time, etc..) and george says the line

feel free to take your time, im in absolutely no rush ❤️/p you can do it last or in 8 months and i will not mind at all /gen

okay so maybe I got a little carried away with this one. maybe. maybe it ended up the length of a full fic. you can't prove anything /lh

anyway I really liked this one!! inspiration struck I guess lmao. I hope you like it too!!

20. "This is not what we agreed on!"

lee!george, ler!dream, 1.3k words

enjoy!

"Dream."

"No."

"Dream!"

"I already told you no, George! Like, 6 billion times!"

"But– but I asked nicely."

"No, you most certainly did not."

"I said please!"

"Yeah, once, and then you called me an idiot for saying no right after!"

"Yeah, but… Dream, come on. Just edit the video."

"Oh my god, George."

"You know you'll do better than me anyway! You like editing way more, and it'll get done faster, and I'll stop bothering you."

"Until the next time we record and we have this exact same conversation again as soon as it's time to edit, just like we are now, and just like we have the last 3 times we've recorded a video for your channel."

The conversation came to a stand still, as George wasn't entirely sure how to respond. He knew Dream was right– they did go through this exact chain of events almost every month. It had happened enough to know neither of them were actually annoyed– actually they almost enjoyed the playful bickering that was bound to come when it was time for George to edit a video. Dream was the one to break the silence.

"I'll edit the video," He caved, looking over at where George was laying on his back on Dream's own bed. George's eyes widened, obviously not expecting to get his way that quickly, and he smiled.

"That's awes–"

"On one condition." Dream cut him off, and George rolled his eyes.

"Depends on what you want."

Dream stood up from his seat at his desk, checking the progress on the export of his own video that was set to come out at the end of the week, before walking over and standing next to the bed.

"Let me tickle you," Dream said casually, and George's eyes widened.

"W-what?"

"For as long as I want. Or as long as you can stand it, whichever comes first. Do that, and I'll edit the video, no complaints."

George stared up at Dream, dumbfounded, face getting warmer by the second at the idea of willingly letting Dream tickle him. His brain was practically begging him to agree simply because of how much he dreaded the idea of sitting down and trying to edit.

"I… but…" George stammered, lost for words. He swallowed, looking over at the wall to his left to avoid making eye contact anymore. "As long as you want?"

"As long as I want."

"But you'll stop if it gets too much, right? Or-or at least slow down."

"Absolutely. It's no fun if you're miserable." Dream smiled warmly reaching out to poke at George's hip bone. "What's it gonna be, Georgie? You gonna let me tickle you silly or are you gonna go edit your own video?"

George whined, both at the ultimatum and the prodding, shifting to lay on his side and bury his head in one of Dream's pillows, pressing it tight to his face with his arms.

"Fine."

"Hm?"

"Fine! I'll let you do it."

"Sorry, what? I can't quite hear you."

"Dream!" Dream laughed loudly at George's flustered exclamation, before tilting George to lay on his back again and jumping onto the bed to straddle his thighs. George groaned, covering his face with his hands once he was pulled from his pillow, but Dream grabbed his wrists and pulled his arms out to the sides.

"Keep them here," he said, pushing on George's wrists slightly to signify what he meant before letting go.

"No! That's not fair!" Against his words, George's arms immediately retreated back to his body, and he repeated the action of pulling them out and pinning them as George protested.

"I want you to keep your arms here."

"This is not what we agreed on!"

"Too bad! Now leave them." He pushed on George's arms slightly harder, and this time they stayed in place when he pulled back, despite how much he obviously wanted to move them.

"I can't do this the whole time, Dream," George explained nervously, hands instinctively grabbing onto the comforter below him.

"Why don't you just try? I won't be mad if you can't. But try your best."

George couldn't help but just sigh at the words, butterflies fluttering in his tummy as his brain processed what was about to happen.

"This sucks," George complained, closing his eyes as he felt Dream rest his hands on the bed on either side of his torso.

"You'll be okay," Dream reassured, inching his hands closer until they touched George's ribs.

"You suck."

"Oh?" Dream raised his eyebrows, testing him, placing his hands on George's ribs and curling his fingers around. He tapped his fingertips on the bones under his grip, thumbs pressing lightly into the front, making his presence known. George's breath hitched, and he pressed his lips together and tensed in place. "Really? You wanna stick by that?"

"Y-yeah, I do–" George was cut off by a squeak as Dream's long fingers dug into his ribs once.

"You sure, Georgie?" Dream teased further, pressing his thumbs harder and rubbing circles into his ribs bones. George let his head tilt back into the pillow, nodding. "Alright. Your funeral."

With that, Dream pushed his hands up and wiggled his fingers into George's upper ribs, underneath his armpits. George's reaction was instantaneous, and his arms immediately clamped against his sides without a second thought, as he burst into loud, cackling laughter. Dream smiled, pulling his hands out to grab George's left arm in one hand, dragging his wrist out to its original outstretched position. and pinning it there with his own left hand.

"I told you to keep your arms out," Dream explained, using his free hand to repeat the motion on George's now vulnerable underarm. George laughed even louder, nose scrunching up and eyes squeezing closed. His pinned arm pushed against Dream's hold as he shook his head wildly, meaning up his hair in the process and using his free hand to push at Dream's arm.

"Dohohon't!" George giggled, all strength leaving him as the tickling progressed. Dream gently pressed both George's wrists down again, pulling his hands back.

"Fine, I'll be gentle, but you keep those there or I'm absolutely ruthless, got it?" George couldn't help but giggle and nod his head in response, his elbows bending slightly so he could grab the corners of the pillowcase underneath his head, but otherwise keeping his arms out to the sides. "That's better," Dream said as he gently raked his nails up and down George's sides, traveling up the sides of his neck and down to the sliver of skin that was exposed from where his shirt had ridden up. He flinched and jumped the whole while, arms twitching with the urge to protect himself and butterflies moving from his tummy to his chest and back again depending on where Dream's fingers went.

"Thihis– thihihis ihis tohortuhure–" George hiccuped through his words, taking a chance and looking up at Dream, who only looked down at him condescendingly.

"Oh, you poor, sweet angel," Dream said, tilting his head to the side, causing George to giggle. He rested his hands on George's sides before continuing. "I can show you torture."

Before George could even process the words, Dream's lips were pressed against the soft, warm skin of his tummy, and there was a massive raspberry pressed right into his torso.

"N-NAHAHA DREHEHEHEAM!" He practically screamed in laughter, his arms immediately shooting down, tangling one hand in the back of Dream's hair and pushing at his shoulder with the other one.

They spent a majority of the afternoon like that, George howling out laughter and Dream causing said laughter, but George knew he wouldn't have done anything different when he woke up 2 days later to a message from Dream, containing the link to a video file and a caption that read 'final cut, lmk what u think :)' that made him smile wider than ever.

#lee!george #ler!dream #100 followers event tag #fluffallamaful #cals writing

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