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msmarvelwrites · 4 years

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The Winter Ghost - Part 13

Info: A Devastating car crash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn’t and because of that, everything you knew was about to change.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: Swearing, angst, some smutty thoughts...

w/c: 2.2k

A/N: Lucky number 13! I’m honestly so caught off gaurd by all the love Ive been receiving on The Winter Ghost. I see all your late night binge sessions and I am SO immensely greatful for your interest. When I first started writing this I didnt really think anything of it, but youve all lit a fire under my ass and for that, I thank you! So please, enjoy and reblog and like if you feel so inclined.

His hot breath fanned across your face, sending you into a frenzy like state you had never known before. Heavy breathing, mostly on your part as he placed excruciatingly slow kisses across your jaw. You needed him. More than you’d ever needed anything in your life. It made you sick.

“Are you afraid?” He asked in a low seductive voice. Swiftly he wrapped his metal fingers around your throat, applying enough pressure to make you gasp. You clawed at his chest, drunk on his murderous touch. You wanted him to make you hurt as bad as your heart did. You couldn't possibly hate a person more than you hated yourself right now.

“Answer my question.” He shouted, sending a ripple of ecstasy through your body.

“No. I could never,” You gasped, choking as the walls of your throat began to collapse.

“Liar.” He sneered.

You let out an involuntary moan.

“You good, Y/n?” Sam asked, sitting next to you on the couch as he, Nat, Wanda and Shuri all ate breakfast around the kitchen island. Your hand was lightly wrapped around your neck where Bucky’s was just a moment ago.

“Yeah, fine.” You squeeked.

But you weren't. You hadn’t been since that morning in the hallway with Bucky. You could still feel the sting he had left behind from his touch. What was wrong with you? You couldn't even begin to unpack that question. Psychiatric help would be a start, though.

After your memory had returned, the nightmares seemed to subside, only to be replaced with the image of Bucky, devoid of all emotion, seething in rage at your quips. By the third night, you would have gladly have traded, knowing that this was so much worse.

You couldn't keep excusing your vile thoughts as his fault. They weren't, not entirely. You were the one waking up a needy mess every morning.

“Hey.” Bucky's husky voice filled your senses causing you to stiffen at the sound. The team around you said their hello’s while you tried to refrain from gawking. You had done your very best to avoid him as much as you could, but there were only so many places to hide. Whenever you bumped into each other he would keep his head down and you would run in either direction.

“Steve’s on his way back today. He left to meet Vision and gather intel on an active Hydra base located somewhere on the border of Germany.” Wanda’s eyes lit up at the mention of the name. This must be the famous Android she's always gushing about.

“Pack up… We ship out first thing tomorrow morning.” Bucky declared, peaking your interest. It had been way too long since you had been back in the field, this was amazing. You could feel the excitement bubbling out of your chest vanish when Bucky’s eyes glanced at you.

“Y/n, you can uh, keep Shuri company while we're away.” You blinked at him, unsure if you had heard him correctly.

“No fucking way.” You scoffed. You were not missing out on this opportunity to give Hydra a taste of their own ‘serum’, so to speak.

‘Captain's orders.” He deadpanned, averting his gaze to the ceiling. You stared at him, lost for words with needy eyes. He’d never tell you, but it terrified him when you looked like that. Small, fragile, though he knew better. He would kill himself before he tainted you. But that didn't make the idea any less intriguing.

“And since when do you listen to Captain's orders?” Nat spoke up before you even got the chance. You nodded violently, looking back to Bucky who only sighed.

“You know very well why she can't go.” He muttered, fighting tooth and nail not to look at you again. You could sense his uncomfortability but you couldn't look away.

“She’s not going, then I’m not going.” Wanda sulked.

“Me too.” Sam mocked her tone. “Seriously, Buck. She’s a tank, we could use her.” He finished, more serious this time.

Bucky huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his flesh fingers. “You gotta take that up with Steve. He and I aren't really on the best of terms right now.” He spoke, annoyance dripping from the last sentence.

“Easy, I’ll take care of it.” Nat said to Bucky, but she sent a wink at you.

You were so excited you almost leaped from your seat. You couldn't wait to blow some shit up!

……………………………………….

The next morning you woke up extra early, just to get a jump on everything. Nat had fought with Steve all last night, but eventually he conceded on the sheer fact that if you were there, it would mean double the Wanda power. This was a big base, one he had known of for quite some time now, but it required extra attention. They had been working on recreating your serum, but so far to no avail. You knew exactly where they were going wrong of course. But Steve explained they had been testing it out of Hydra members. The lucky few who survived may not have your powers, but they were still strong. He’d need all the help he could get.

After you were packed you dragged your duffle to Shuri’s lab. She had been working on a few new weapons she wanted you to pack. Just in case, she said. You got there in no time flat, literally vibrating with excitement.

“You're sure about this?” She asked.

“Absolutely.” You beamed. She signed, and handed you a small ring.

“What's this?” You asked, holding the small band in your fingers.

“It’s a beacon. It will help you hold onto your borrowed energies for longer. It’s like a mini you, only better.” She paused, “Speaking of, are you going to tell me what's in that serum of yours or am I just going to have to keep guessing?”

“I think it’s better kept unsaid. That thing had already caused enough problems. No one should be burdened with it.”

“Maybe so.” She signed.

“Thank you Shuri. For everything.” You half heartedly smiled but before you could leave her arms were around you, pulling you into a hug. You sucked in a breath and tapped her on the back in reciprocation. Physically affection was never something you were good at showing, try as you may.

When you finally pulled away she sent you a soft smile, and wished you good luck on the mission before you headed out the door.

……………………..

“Nice of you to grace us with your presence.” Steve muttered, when you finally got to the jet when the rest of the team was loading up.

“It is, isn't it?” You spoke sweetly, throwing your duffle onto the jet. You still weren't really sure where you stood with Steve. Of course you knew of the famous Captain America, even if you didn't remember a few weeks ago. But never did you imagine he would be such a class act dick. Or maybe he was just that way with you? The idea made you smirk, knowing you were the only one to really piss off the Captain was honestly the highest form of flattery.

You boarded the jet and noticed the rest if the team already suited up. The tactical gear Shuri had made you was tight, and Natasha was living proof of that. I mean, it wasn't fair she had the body of a trained ballerina and New York supermodel. The woman was easily the most beautiful woman you had ever seen while your gear clung to you in all the least flattering ways.

You quickly shook off the self doubt. It didn't matter how you looked, you were here to kick some ass.

Well, not exactly.

That morning Steve had announced that while the rest of the team ‘kicked ass’ you and the Soviet spy would sneak into their mainframe and collect the data of whatever new evil scheme Hydra was working on.

Though you weren't thrilled to be stuck on recon duty, it was better than nothing. Besides, you were just a little rusty. Though Nat and Sam kept you busy and Wanda had taught you all her tricks, you weren't sure that if it came down to it you'd be able to pull the trigger.

Better safe than sorry.

“Are you nervous?” Bucky spoke under his breath, his voice deep and rough. You shivered at the sound. You hadn't realised until this moment that he was seated directly behind you.

“Are you?” You asked. You tried to add some bite to your words, but they left your lips softly. The tone seemed to surprise Bucky as much as it did you as he half expected to to tear his head off again.

“Sometimes. But, not now.”

“Oh yeah?” Words betraying you once again.

Ignore him.

Stop talking to him.

Stop. Talking.

Bucky's tongue slipped from between his lips, tugging on his bottom one slowly and effectively knocking you back from your annoying thought and to the glorious man sitting behind you.

“Yeah. Got this new girl on our side. She’s a totally badass. I know she’ll watch my six.” He shrugged causing a small smile to pull at the corner of your mouth.

“How do you know she won't just leave you for dead?” She asked, playing along. Part of you, however, was just a little curious. Part of you wanted to ask yourself the same question. In a second, would you protect the man who murdered Tommy? Honestly you weren't really sure.

“Just a feeling.” He spoke so casually. So sure, you wanted to believe him. It would be easy enough to feed him to Hydra, but you and him both knew you wouldn't have the stomach for it.

“Huh. You sound pretty confident in that.” You sneered sarcastically.

He just gave you a small shrug, leaning back into his seat and pulling his bluetooth earbuds out of his back pocket. He offered one to you casually. Before you could protest your arm shot out and took it, placing it in your right ear.

“I like to listen to music before a mission. It calms me.” He suggested, opening his phone, scrolling through his songs before the intro to Highway to Hell began playing.

A grin spread across your face “I love this song!” You beamed.

“I know. I remember you telling me something about spending an entire year listening to AC/DC cause’ your dad loved their music. I downloaded a few of their albums after that. Not exactly what I’m used to, but definitely good ass kicking music.” He nodded.

That stopped you dead in your tracks. You couldn't help the smile that faded quickly from your lips at his words. You were, to say the least, shocked. You must have mentioned your love for the band at some point, but honestly couldn't for the life of you remember when.

But he did. And he listened to it because you liked them.

“Huh.” You repeated, turning back around and trying to suppress the butterflies that began erupting out of your stomach. You could hear Bucky behind you drumming his hands on his thighs along to the song. You couldn't help but giggle at how offbeat he was.

“Take off in five minutes. Everyone ready?” Nat spoke through your coms. Everyone gave a thumb up as the jets engine whirled on, vibrating through the aircraft.

You listened carefully as your song faded away and the next one took its place.

Do I wanna know? If this feeling flows both ways?

You could physically feel Bucky’s mood shift behind you. The Super Soldier serum granting you access to his quickened heart beat and the lyrics mirrored the every present emotions you had been feeling this week.

Sad to see you go. Was sorta’ hopin’ that you’d stay.

You let your mind wander as you listened to Bucky hum along quietly to the song, low and soft. The sound sending chills down your spine as the memory of your dreams from the past few nights replayed over in your mind.

Baby, we both know. That the nights were mainly made For sayin' things that you can't say tomorrow day.

Bucky’s lips trailed along your swollen throat, the feeling of pleasure over bruises he had left behind caused you to moan in ecstasy. The way he kissed you, not like before. This time full of lust and something dark. His hands dipped under your shirt, the feeling of hot and cold sending you over the edge as your eyes rolled back in your head. You wanted nothing more than for him to throw you against a wall, any wall and tear you limb from limb.

“I like this song too.” Bucky’s breath fanned across the back of your ear, rocketing you back to the Jet that was beginning to take off. You looked around the small space, praying that Bucky was the only one to notice your breath hitch in the back of your throat.

Any reminisce of the idea that you had to stay away from Bucky shattered into a million pieces. The hate, still ever present, but you knew damn well that would be the best part. It only fueled your desire. He was going to be the death of you.

Or even better, you'd be the death of him...

.....................................................................................................................

A/N: Gah! Thank you for reading! And thank you to @cutie1365 for being the best hype woman/ editor around lol. Leave a like or reblog if you wanna show some love. I hope yall’ are having a great week!

@kalesrebellion

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tenecity · 6 years

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from lovers to haters: xiao gui

from lovers to haters—a series where nine percent and you have the cliche, typical love story

cr @aestheticninepercent this was so good i had to add it in

au; bck with the hogwartss also the ages r messed up dbdkisjs

[AT THE START]

so we're bck with this hogwarts bullshit again bc they hve headgirls and headboys

and hey you

yes you

youre the headgirl!!

youre honoured but also kinda burderned i mean headgirl's gotta do alot of things you knw

like sorting out the schedules for prefects, prefect meetings, organising events and also sorting through detentions

which is what ure doing rn in the library

you flip thru the records and your eyes widen

god, how bad must this boy be?

his name literally appeared 10 times for this sem alone

1st; came late for class. 2nd; skipped class. 3rd; made out with a girl in the corridor inappropriate was written in bold red. 4th; called snape a twat ×1. 5th; called snape a twat ×2. 6th; snape is annoyed at his mere existence. 7th; moved the paintings. 8th......

and the list goes on

you shake your head

how can someone be so undisciplined and pay no heed to the school rules?

at this rate, he cld get expelled

"what are you looking at?" a kind, soothing voice snapped you out of ur thoughts.

you look up and smile at ziyi, the head boy.

"this person. xiao gui. you know him?" you point at the name neatly written on the paper.

ziyi nods, a smile playing on his lips.

"he's in trouble again i see." taking a seat next to you, he explains abt how he knws this brat. "he's my seatmate. not a bad guy,, just, he doesnt really pay attention to the rules."

you roll your eyes. not a bad guy? yea right. not paying attention to the school rules is a sign of rebellion, no discipline, no moral compass etc. you didnt like these kind of pple

its like they never rlly cared abt anyth, completely in their own world, selfish

like eg. moving the paintings changes the entire landscape and confuses them. it takes a lot of work to put them bck.

you frown, tasting sour in yr mouth. how could he hve done tt to those sweet paintings?

[SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN]

patrol time! bc thats where everyth happens

you patrolling with chengcheng, another prefect when you see a shadow slip down the corridor.

chengcheng saw it too but he is alr giving you the 'youre-older-you-do-it' look

so you sigh and despite yr fear of the dark, you bravely follow the shadow

right turn, left turn, left turn, right turn

where the hell is this person gg????

you find yrself in the garden at the most remote corners of hogwarts.

youve seen this one in the maps of the sch grounds but nvr did actl come here.

its beautiful. red roses give a vibrancy and seemingly glow under the moonlight, willows blowing softly, asleep. its tranquil.

until you see the mysterious shadow and you roll yr eyes, running through a list in your head on who this idiot could possibly be.

“wang linkai?”

the boy whips around and flashes you a grin and whoopsies heart attacc activated

“ah, gosh you got me scared shitless for a second head girl. thought you were snape or some cheeky ghost.” you roll yr eyes. what irony.

“what are you doing here?”

he points to a small, black kitten with the most kindest, chocolate eyes ever. “i’m feeding her?” he says it with a tone like he is talking to some dumb 5 year old and the crease on yr forehead deepens.

you squint at the cat, and by reflex, retract yr hands as it meows at you. you wrinkle your nose.

“what, you don’t like cats?”

“it’s more like, i don’t like people-who-break-the-school-rules because they make my life difficult” you send a retort back.

“go back to your dorm now, wang linkai, before i book you.”

he shrugs. “hey, this kitten got abandoned at hogsmeade. it had no one to take care of it so being a nice, kind soul,” he shoots your a glare,”i decided that i will take care of it. book me if you want, head girl. you probably already know i wouldnt care, considering my record.”

you puff out air. he’s right about that.

“yes, but you need to go back to the dorms now before someone else’s catches you and gives out a heavier punishment.” you try the ‘im pretending to care’ tactic.

“awh, the princess cares about me?” he says it mockingly as he strokes the kitten and carefully picks it up, hugging it close to his chest, eyes never leaving yours as they send you a challenging stare.

“im going to say it one last time, wang linkai. go, or else-”

“or else what, princess?” his eyes are gleaming and full of mischief. seeing how riled up you are, he slips past you so quickly, you couldn’t even hold him bck, taking in only the sweet scent that clings to his robes.

my heart goes boom boom boom

sending you one last grin, he slips back into the darkness.

you let out a breath you never knew you were holding

[AT THE END OF THE DAY]

turns out, ever since that day, you end up meeting him every night, in the garden, trying to convince him to go back to the dorms, but then fail miserably as you get entranced by his stubborn character.

he’s not a bad person. sure, he is stubborn, he is incredibly opinionated it is annoying, but he is sweet, kind, helpful and genuinely cares for his friends.

its hard to not admire such a person, especially when you are on the other side of the spectrum, finding it hard to always be selfless, sweet and kind and helpful.

“are you seriously scared of cats? of this adorable thing?” he says as he holds up the kitten and stuffs it into your face, eyes widened in mock surprise.

you frown and push away the kitten who only whines and grumpily retreats to the arms of his/her owner.

“i don’t like cats”

“why not?”

“because they are shady”

“no they are not”

“yes they are.”

“no”

“yes”

“oh shut up, why are we bickering over this?”

“because,” he says it matter-of-factly, “they are cute creatures.”

you roll your eyes as you pull your knees to your chest. “yea right.”

“dude, seriously-”

“why do you want to know so much?” you snap back. he reels back in shock, hands thrown up in surrender.

“why are you so riled up, princess?”

“don’t call me princess.” you mumble as you stand up.

a hand catches yours, fingers ghosting between the spaces of your own.

“im sorry if i made you uncomfortable.” he pulls himself up and looks at you in the eye, not covering up his remorse at all.

“its.... its fine. im sorry i snapped. i just, um, when i was younger,” you start as you walk towards a bench, linkai right at your tail.

“my parents were really famous, really good wizards. they did extremely well. head of the ministry. but they had a colleague who, um, was jealous of them. especially of my dad, because apparently, that guy loved my mother since she was a kid.”

you take a deep breath, and close your eyes, drinking in the gentle caresses on the back of your hand that are calming you down.

“he shape shifted into a cat. i thought the cat looked cute so i brought him home.”

“he burned down everything, he hexed my father, he strangled my mother and then burned himself to the ground.”

“he left me alive, saying he wanted our family blood to experience the hurt and pain he went through.” you breath out. only then do you realise that linkai is gently wiping the tears that have unknowingly flowed down your face.

“so yea,” you say as you wipe your own tears, eyelids fluttering open. “that’s why i hate cats.” you shyly look at him, wondering how he will react. he just nods, before giving a smile that doesnt quite meet his eyes.

“my turn to tell a story. do you want to know why i call you princess?”

you flush at his words, but reply anyway. “why?”

“because of this.” he presses his full lips against yours, gently molding them, kissing every part of your chapped lips.

you clench your hands as you drown yourself into his lips, mesmerised and entranced by his enchanting being.

his fingers find yours and slowly opens them, weaving his fingers with yours as he presses one last kiss on your forehead, before pulling away, blushing hard.

“so yea,” he softly says, head down. “that’s why i call you princess.” you laugh at how shy he is. so rare, so uncommon, so precious.

your lips find their way back on his as you breathe out “my prince”.

pt 2

#from haters to lovers #xiao gui #wang linkai #he needs to stay in his lane #someone tell him to stop being so cute iTS ANNOYING

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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"you know, its a good thing. honestly, its good that you see your value even if you dont see it in other places atleast youre seeing it in your intimate relationship. like this is a difference in you - no one prompted this. i didnt say anything to you. i dont think anyone else said anything. you just thought about it and decided on it. thats a really good thing" thank you, friend. because this is a really valid point that makes all the difference and i might not have seen that. for the first time, honestly, im not crazy. like im not questioning my belief as crazy or delusional. i know i dont like this and therefore its wrong. its not 'is this okay' - its not. and now im fed up. and i became quietly fed up. like i just sat on it and sat on it and never spoke about it to anyone. i dont ponder these thougbts with people. i just drive myself crazy thinking about it. because i know it doesnt matter now. i used to think it matter. i used to think that maybe someone knew more or better than i did. maybe i was just sooo dumb and useless that i dont "get it". so i fell in line to what others thought was best. whatever they said, i did. and i would try to seek a certain approval of my own ways so that i could justify believing other people knowing they really didnt know any better than i do. its a really fucked uo pattern thats like just shitty low self esteem. but heres the thing - i gained so much from him. like he completely changed my world view. not who i am but my world view and he gave me, honest to god, the path into humanity. like i also justified my own weakness of not taking more initiative to understand people and thus not feel abhorred by them and continue my cycle of low self esteem. seeing him be the person he is - not because hes great. hes not fucking great. he is legit not great at all. hes not "the best". hes like.. pretty good. okay on a regular basis. but he has a very unique personality and self awareness that mirrors my own in some ways and seeing it play out as an outsider and learning to love this person has allowed me to gain more love for myself. he is weird as shit. hes so fucking weird. i will almost hope to never meet someone as weird as him again because i dont like the odds of humanity turning out someone so weird and not being harmful in some way. but he is confidently weird. and i feel like he might not even be weird at all - hes transparent. hes totally see thriugh and humans are closed off and private and secluded but he speaks free on everything. everything. i have not met a single person like him before and slowly in my own social life away from him ive gained confidence to just be me. like more me than ive been before in an open and honest way. like just speaking freely and backing up what i believe and allowing the world to just be around me. and as people just let me fjcking be - just let me exist as the shitty person i am, each day ive gotten better. ljke im talking sitting on a couch all day no shower not eating chain smoking to getting up and going out to see people and cleaning my house and showering and eating. he didnt do this for me at all but knowing him allowed me o be free enough to discover my own way. like im starting to feel like the bum ive been for a long time but more in like a wow im pretty fed up with myself even. like damnnn. maybe im starting to wake up. maybe the fucking drugs are working and im like well im good so fuck the drugs like all naive assholes. but i dont know. i guess well find out on this awesome rollercoaster of my life. but i feel like im starting to wake back into life. ljke i was dead already, ive been dead and life is moving aeound me and i am a poltergeist . he knew it all along. im just a ghost haunting him. im already dead. but im not really. i have the ability to resurrect and i think i should be grateful that i can. im close to not being able to but i can. so like.. i said it. i said it but not to him but to him and he would know. like i always remember how he freaked out and posted about his ex owing him money multiole times in a row on facebook. he felt super justified in it and never back tracked. and listen - this is already wrong. were on two wrongs. of course its stupid to post anything like that on facebook. but he felt free enough to do it and i want to enjoy that same freedom without worry as well. he kept and keeps repeating that certain things are a waste of his time. and thats suuuuuuper funny to me. like on a shitty i dont even give a fuck anymore level. you know whats a waste of time? A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT REASON. holy fuck. nine months of just... WHAT EVEN IS THIS. HELLO. fuck me, im just like a girl who goes around his place and watches him play video games and sleeps at his house and smokes his weed. thats it. im not even his girlfriend honestly. like that describes exactlt our relarionship because he does nothing for me on a regular basis. nothing at all. so i spend a large portion of my time with a guy who DOESNT EVEN GIVE A FUCK and you want to talk about a waste of fucking time? "its not even that serious of a thing" then you dont even know. you dont even know. but you wouldnt. thats what ill have to work on. he wouldnt know anything about this because i dont talk about it. i mean, if im asked, im bluntly honest about it but i dont talk about it to him or anyone. so he wouldnt think it wasnt "serious". its about texting. its about "spending time together" its about whatever but its about THIS POINTLESS ASS ASSOCIATION WITH HIM. who the fuck are you to my life? like i cant even say hes my friend. i cant say hes my boyfriend. i settled into "the guy im seeing". becahse i dont know how important he should be to give him a fucking name in my story. are you a main character or secondary? and if youre the latter why the fuck you enjoying the benefits of a main? but again - repetition. i cleared this blog out of the earliest entries and you know what? they were all "what the fuck is this". nine months of what the fuck is this. i guess im done being romantic and being like all dreamy about this rogue guy having a life with me. now im like weve been fucking for nine months and created nothing but awkward conversarion between each other. heres the thing. i knew i was desperate. i knew that i pressed hard on fuckboy becahse i was desperste to return to confort and stability of a relationship and living together. i knew that. ive been sooooo careful and sooo insecure about seeming that way again. this may have been one of the first adult ways i went about doing something and im just... NINE MONTHS. holy fuck dude. how casual is nine months. you shouldve left four to five months ago and were still fucking. like he doesnt know what i want in life. like he honest to god thinks im just chilling and living wjthout cause. my god. im fucking old. im sorry. ill be 37 and laugh at myself now but im comfortable with the fact at 27 i realized i wanted true love. i wanted familial love. i wanted a partner in life. more than sex, more than a convinience or simple comfort. more than money, more than drugs. im not looking for a reason to change but i would accept one if it gave me things that were of higher priority and emotionally rewarding to my being. like why should i stop smoking weed when its one of the few things i legitmatelt enjoy? why should i stop smoking at all? why should i work my ass off at a full time job to come home to mt cats? this relationship gives me no purpose. a close intimate relarionshio jn my life gives me no purpose, no reason to get up in the morning other than seeing their face. which is ljke seeing a poster on tbe wall or hearing your fav song. its like an empty enjoyment that fades pretty quick because it gives you nothing deep. i guess im sad that this is life. like im not going to put that on him. i did that with an ex already. like its his fault life has these turns and people chanve and do things and become things. its no ones fault its just a depressing fact everyone lives with. people just come and go and in the end itll be me on my couch typing on a broken phone and smoking weed with my cats. im not depressed. like not anymore than i would be. and whats crazy is i was sober and pissed and got high and continued to be just as pissed because i cant even smoke away the anxious uncertainty. its not about fucking texting. its not a waste of time, youve just made it a waste of time. i didnt go to a party that i was onvited to today. i had a ride too. but ljke.. i knew that id be focused on this and be distracted and burnt out and wnting to go home. i was already on the fence about it anyways. i knew there would be hard drugs there and people drinking and honestly, im better than that now. i really am. i can hang out with these people but i dont need to party with them. its really okay. they can do what they like at their parties and as long as im not putting myself into it, i dont have to care. so its okay. im playing on it more that i didnt go out of anger. its really for the best. i told him i would be coming to get my keys tomorrow in the morning. and like.. i want to. and maybe ill wake uo feeling totally different but in my tired stoned state at 2am i feele more like maybe i wont. like it is important to me. and now that ive made a big deal out of it, i probably should. but like.. thats not really my point. i sent him this... kind of sassy message that basically implied that he was careless for not trying to get my keys to me when hes acting like a jerk and that he wouldnt even know about any of my issues for wanting the keys because he doesnt even know what ive done this week besides fucking laundry at his house because he definitelt hasnt given a shit enough about me to ask at all. like how are you smothered by someone you dont really know about. like youre literally not involved in my life unless i tell you one tidbit of it. like i dont talk to him. ive completely huddled uo in myself now. and i kind of wanted to see if i was deljsional and kept track if he asked me about myself. he never did. NOT ONE TIME. like thats why im stuck on it. how can you feel so overwhelmed as if im literally just peckinf at you lkke an annoying bird or something and you dont see me, speak to me or know anythinf about me. ljke he acts as though im just sending him shit over and over and consrantlt barraging him and im not. at all. the onlt way i could would be by sending one word messages. so this is very delusional on his part and other people would have no problem receiving a message from me. but the keys. id rather just not show up. just remain quiet for the day. but i have no weed and nothing else to do so im not sure what else i would do. i dont even know if that means anything either. ljke oo give me my keys and then i dont even show up for them. who cares, he still gets what he wants. like fuck me lets just end this. its been ruined. it takes both of us to untangle this mess and hes not doing his part so its just ruined. in my head not going to get my keys is like, "oh wow how unlike her to not follow through with something like this i wonder why she didnt come and what shes doing instead" but like its probablt more, "lol dumb bitch cries about keys and doesnt even get them" but at like 9pm at night when he finally realizes i never got them. i legit dont think he cares. its a waste of my time to try and think like ~why is he doing this. i dont care. theres nothing ive done to deserve this and to have no fucking point to now arguing about the ability to hang out? fuck off. ive deserved more. like i deserved a reply to my request for keys. just like a "youre right you can get the keys x" even if im penaljzed for not getting them when i was doing laundry -fine. but lkke.. reply to my fucking message. im not asking some inane bullshit. im asking abiut shit i fucking own outright. i deserve a god damn response when he wastes my fucking time calling about shit HE OWNS in his own fjcking house. like my god. theyre fucking keys. appease me even. laugh at it and tell me theyre in your mailbox. like holy shit, its not even hard to be a dick about that and you sit on no response? its not even a malicious thing. ive explained it even to his mother that its safety now. and hes rrying to impede my fucking safety. like go be you. be you all damn day but you being you doesnt include me so give me back my fucking keys. no one is arguing the being you part. no one is impeding or invading the ability to be you. but being an asshole about it - choosing to ignore it, thats impeding me being me. and i can be me as much as you can be you and i guess im sorry these are rhe consequences. like i try to even think of a reason why hes avoided my mentions of it. like why? you know what i want. what reason do you need to hold on to keys you never even use? what do you think im doing? ljke.. is it ljke im trying to clean up before offing myself? do i have a secret lover im movinf in and need keys for? am i offending his sejbilities of being my care giver by telling him hes not doing a good job? like he was offended by the thought that me saying or being in a huff about him not driving me somewhere meant that he didnt do anything or was being a bad boyfriend. so is this like in his mind some big insult to him and hes not even going to respond to it. like its just soo ridiculous to him hes just going to ignore it? simple fucking quesrion. so fucking simple. but hours of waiting. hours and hours. its 3 now and i want to say ill still be mad but i probably wont be mad enoufb to walk to his house. i want to be. but i guess i just need some depression days rifht now. i am doing good. and im still doing good and feeling down about these things is okay.

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