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#hopefully this made you laugh

jatp-incorrect-quotes · 2 years

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Caleb: *transforms to look like Alex*

Alex: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

#happy 2nd anniversary fantoms #today is a sad day #hopefully this made you laugh #sending all my love<333 #jatp #jatp incorrect quotes #julie and the phantoms #julie molina #luke patterson #alex mercer #reggie peters #incorrect quotes #juke #willex

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onionninjasstuff · 5 months

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(yadda yadda insert something poetic about not needing ur attention just enjoying ur company)

sounds like u have a lot on your plate right now. please, take this to add in your quest!

[received item: Scrugly Muppet Companion. looks like a child's first sewing project that got left in rain. has no stat buffs or effects, but its thoughtless eyes rattle around amusingly when shaken. in battle, it flings itself at enemies for -0 damage, with a 2% chance of Confusion.]

kick ass out there archie!!! 💛

oh nuh uh uh you cant be cat-coded on ur own. lets be eepy and cat-coded together 💛

#flings you at my thousands assignments in the next frame #to hopefully Confuse them so they stretch their deadlines #i rlly hope shit will slow down next week so i can finally finish a wip </3 #thank you sm zach <3 #this comic made me laugh and made me so happy #youre the best

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0v3rcast · 11 months

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Gnaw (5)

You drift in infinity, if only for a moment, in a place devoid of feeling. There is no heat or cold, no light or darkness, no life, no death. There is an overwhelming absence.

Hello, my maker, Says a voice into your ear.

Warm hands tug at your sleeve and turn you in place.

You make eye contact with a woman in perhaps her early twenties, wearing a simple black dress. She's somehow standing on the nothingness as if it's solid ground.

She gives you a smile.

I wish we'd have had any other way to meet. You a corpse, myself a stranger.

I am Nil. The Abyss Made Manifest. The first of your children. I'm sure you have no recollection of me from the... simulation of Teyvat. Genshin Impact, I believe they called it?

You nod, not quite sure what to say.

...or even if you can say anything, because this place probably doesn't have a way for your voice to travel.

She smiles, giving you a strangely abashed look.

Sorry. I'm not used to guests. Or anyone other than my children, the Abyssals. If I'd known you'd be coming, I'd have made you a chair or something.

You shrug. At this point, you'll settle for her not trying to maim you.

Which, in hindsight, is kind of pathetic to settle for.

She offers a hand. You take it, and she pulls you close for a brief hug before somehow sitting you down on a solid plane of nothingness, your legs dangling off the edge like you're both sitting on a pier.

I can't give you much help from here, and your body is much too feeble to sustain abyssal energies, but I've been putting you back together every time you die.

I know it hurts, and I know you probably don't want to be here if all it means is being miserable, but...

They know not what they do. To them, you're someone wearing their creator's face. And that's not a valid excuse for murder, but they're blind to the truth.

You don't understand. It's probably written all over your face, based on the sad, sympathetic look she gives you.

There's another you. Sort of. An unstable clone. Some alchemist made them when Khaenri'ah existed. They had been attempting to summon you and bind your soul to an immortal body so you could guide Teyvat as you did before. They managed to only summon a copy of your essence.

The elements and Celestia annihilated Khaenri'ah for playing with forces they had no right to control, and I devoured most of the survivors for supporting someone that was trying to pull you away from your rest.

You have many questions. And no way to ask them. She catches on.

Oh! Also, you can just talk in your head and I'll hear it. It's not quite telepathy, but you and I are closer than the elements are to you, since I was the first.

You ask why the people of Teyvat didn't kill them, or why the elements couldn't.

You didn't want us interfering with the world so directly. That's why you gave my siblings the ability to grant Visions and the Gnosis. So they could still shape the world and watch over the souls they cared for.

You didn't want them to rule Teyvat, or to terrorize it, so you set some limitations on them.

Let's just say vaporizing an entire civilization was the kind of thing that caused backlash, massively draining them. They've spent all the time since then regaining their strength.

As for the mortals, they were just happy to have who they thought was you back.

You ask what the past you was like.

I can't tell you that. You'll remember on your own time.

You tell her that's not helpful, and also kind of a dick move to get your hopes up like that. She giggles.

This you is much more feisty. I like that.

You ask for any advice she can give you, because you're pretty lost and more or less without a clue right now. She perks up a little.

You'll make some friends in Liyue. I promise. Not everyone on Teyvat is hostile.

She looks away awkwardly.

Just, um. Most of them. Sorry. And I can't tell you who.

You sigh. At least there's a chance for someone to not immediately murder you.

Our time is up for now. I'm sorry. The waking world calls for you.

You tell her that the two of you will meet again and give her a wink. She laughs.

(Her warm, bright laughter follows you up to the world above.)

You wake with a terrible pain in the neck, and a golden band around your throat where you were decapitated.

You're more than a bit pissed about having your head chopped off because of someone else that's wearing your face.

A shitty copy at that.

You hope you'll meet one of those friends you were promised soon, because right now there's very little attachment to Teyvat as a whole.

(You meet your new friend not even three minutes later when she trips over your prone form and drops all her herbs.)

You awkwardly stare at Qiqi, who stares back at you with a mildly perplexed look.

"You... are not familiar," she says, tilting her head slightly as if she was a curious puppy. "But you seem nice."

"I'd hope I seem nice. You're the first person to not immediately try and kill me." You say, defensively.

You think she looks concerned, but reading her face is... well, difficult. Since she's an undead and all.

She offers a hand to you, and with her help, you get back on your feet.

"Thanks, Qiqi," you say, and then immediately have an 'oh shit' because she hasn't even fucking introduced herself.

"Have we met?" She asks.

"Nope. You're just famous where I'm from," you hastily explain. "Lots of people like you and want to be your friend."

She seems to consider it, but about halfway through she forgets and stops caring.

"Do you want me to help you pick up your herbs?" You offer.

She nods.

Qiqi delicately retrieves the various plants that were in her basket, and you point out any she misses.

"Are you from Liyue?"

"No, I'm just passing through."

"...ah."

You have a sudden alarm ringing in the back of your head and hit the grass, grabbing Qiqi and yanking her down with you.

You give her a small smile. She smiles back and then seems surprised she can. Then her smile widens slightly as she smiles for the sake of smiling, too.

"I like you," she says simply, with all the confidence of a child zombie. "Would you like to be friends?"

"I'd like that." You say genuinely. "I don't have a lot of those here."

"Then we're friends," Qiqi says with all seriousness before pulling out a notebook. "I will write your name down so I always remember you are my friend."

An arrow covered in icy mist whizzes just barely over your head and explodes several yards away, freezing a large circle of grass.

"Fuck!" You hiss, looking up to see Ganyu in the distance.

The look on her face is nothing short of barely concealed hatred. Her face is nearly expressionless, but there's open aggression and hostility in her eyes.

If looks could kill, you'd be a smoking crater.

"Go, Qiqi," you urge gently, nudging the jiangshi in the back.

She may be a zombie child, but she is no fool, very clearly understanding what's about to occur.

She quickly makes herself scarce.

As soon as she's out of the way, your gift spins to life, and your hands crackle with arcs of electro.

Ganyu lets another arrow fly.

You launch towards her, the world slowing to a crawl as you accelerate, her arrow sluggishly spiraling by you.

Right as you're about to be in range with a weapon, she... disengages.

Leaving behind a fucking ice lotus.

A wash of pure cold carves into you, sapping your body heat and leaving you winded.

You manage to roll away from the lotus, but her next arrow gouges into your thigh. You cry out in pain, indigo blood oozing down your leg and staining your pants.

You slam into her shoulder-first with the aid of your gift, the two of you crashing into the dirt and grass with a brutal force that leaves Ganyu wheezing.

Her hands come up to grab your throat, her grip like iron and tighter than a vice.

You briefly claw at her wrists, but the edges of your vision are beginning to darken.

You reach out, grab a horn, and yank.

Snap.

Ganyu wails. Her hands instantly move from your throat as she scrambles back, clutching the bleeding stump of her left horn in one hand. She isn't even paying attention to you anymore, lost in the agony.

You gasp for breath, taking in deep lungfuls of air.

Ganyu doesn't move to re-engage. She seems to be having difficulty staying conscious.

When she stands, her legs are shaking, and her attempt to move in your direction ends with her toppling over.

It's likely her horns have nerves, given their nearness to her human brain, and who knows what kind of function they serve? Do they help her sense which way is upright or help her orientate her body?

Whatever the case, she's down by half and now struggling to keep her balance.

You pretend to throw the horn at her as a distraction tactic, and she scrambles for it, not quite realizing you never let it go.

You flee, the arrow still in your leg and sending bolts of searing agony through you, the Quilin horn clutched tight in your hand.

(You fall asleep beneath a tree, which begins to grow rapidly due to the blood oozing from your now-healed wounds. An Archon approaches your unconscious form.)

When you wake, it's to jeering. You're... on a boat near the Guyun Stone Forest. There's a crowd watching you from the docks and shorelines, spitting insults and calling for your death sentence to be hastened. You can only faintly hear them.

Your limbs are bound in heavy chain and weighted with dense iron locks.

Zhongli glares at you like you're nothing more than a particularly vile insect.

Ganyu keeps fidgeting with the band of gold holding her horn in place now. She seems unsteady on her feet, especially on this boat. She watches you with something between hostility and fear.

Ningguang snarls at you for a moment with raw hatred when you make eye contact, but she swiftly schools her expression into an icy glare.

Keqing doesn't bother to look at you.

Zhongli must not like the look you give them because he steps forward and backhands you so hard you pull something in your neck and lose a tooth.

How dare they do this to you?

Your lip is busted and throbbing with pain. You, in a fit of spite, spit your blood onto his boot.

You're swiftly tossed into the sea and immediately begin to drown.

Before the darkness can claim you, several stone spears pierce your torso and limbs and make you sink to the seafloor as if the stone was lead instead.

You are so very cold.

(The sea goes as still and flat as a sheet of glass.)

Your eyes open in the lightless depths of the ocean.

Before you lies an ancient, imprisoned serpent - Osial, the Overlord of the Vortex.

You lay next to one of his heads. A single massive eye is trained on you.

"...my creator?" He asks, hesitant. "Why - no, how - are you down here?"

"Morax."

His eyes narrow in anger. "Wretched lizard. Had I my freedom, I would skin him alive and offer his carcass as tribute to you."

You breathe out a sigh through the gills you didn't have before.

"I wouldn't stop you at this point." You murmur bitterly.

(You and Osial lay there in the darkness of the sea together, side by side, prisoners of the same Archon.)

((Taglist:

@the-dumber-scaramouche @thatdeadaquarius @ssak-i @imyme20 @fried-lotud @acacla @itz-luna @iruiji @crierofirony @itsredactedlove @sweetsthetik @leafanonsforest @oxyotl @kkazuyass @featuredtofu @resident-cryptid @d4y-dr3am3r @crimson-ashes @red1sg0n3 @the-real-fandom-person @code-roevember @yourlocalsourwolf @rhoswen-drake @minimari415 @reversearrowhead @call-me-shroom @evqnescents @valeriele3 @mochicurls21

#genshin sagau #sagau cult au #sagau gnaw #its me #ya gremlin #here with more subpar bullshit #osial makes a guest appearance #(laughs in drowning liyue)#reader has a terrible time #you made a friend though #hopefully one of you likes this

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theshadowrealmitself · 1 year

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A: What’d they get you for?

B: Accidentally robbed a Romulan

C: Well, they apprehended me because-

A: Shutupshutupshutup-

A, at B: What?

B: Thought I was robbing a Vulcan, turned out to be a Romulan, now I’m here

A: …What?

B: It wasn’t malicious robbing! I just- They carry weird stuff and it’s fun!

C: Makes sense, anyways-

D: Nope, I wanna hear the rest too

B: Okay fine, so this one time, I accidentally ran into this Vulcan dude, and by ran, I mean ran, we both fell down, anyways! When I got up, I saw a discontinued drink from that old soda brand? With the ghoul mascot? It had fallen out of his pocket

B: And that’s weird, right? A Vulcan having a discontinued Human soda? Well, I kinda got curious about what other Vulcans may carry, and it turns out…

B: There’s no other way to say this, it’s easy to rob Vulcans, every time you bump into them, they’re really just concerned about bracing for impact against a human

B, while pointing at a Vulcan guard: Like that one, got them earlier, and they had gum

B, after popping a bubble: Gum!

Everyone quietly stares at B while all nearby Vulcans check their pockets, faces neutral but shoulders set stiffly

B: …Okay so they usually have more exciting stuff, anyways, I saw this one person, thought it was a Vulcan, wanted to see what they had, aaand turns out it was a Romulan

B: And I guess Romulans walk around with the expectation of getting robbed? Because this one noticed immediately what I was trying to do, so now I’m here!

B: Oh fuck, uh, I mean, allegedly! I allegedly tried to rob that person….and all those….other people….

B: Nailed it

#putting this out here so I stop thinking about it #because I can’t put into a wip because I don’t have any other details fleshed out #but it made me laugh #so enjoy #made up dialogue by yours truly #Vulcans #humans #Star Trek #this is just nonsense I’m so sorry but hopefully it’s nonsense that got a chuckle out of you!#this is one of those I’m the main audience posts

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numbuh · 24 days

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i remember when this happened in the movie

#transmission.png #took hopefully all these off the transcript page but it made me laugh #why would you do this

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sophieswundergarten · 1 year

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More on Constance learning to gamble because the idea won't leave my brain:

She didn't know she was psychic at the time because she was so young, and so she just assumed everyone was really good at reading/guessing body language and couldn't tell why the other players were so bad at it.

The first few times she tried to join a game people would wave her off or look for her parents, so her reaction was to march up, climb onto a chair, slam her tiny hands on the table, and yell "Deal me in!" as loud as possible.

Eventually she gained a reputation for being really great (almost supernaturally skilled) at the game, and so people would let her play out of curiosity; seeing if she was really as good as people said. She always was, and soon people were desensitized enough that she was respected as a regular.

However, a few more superstitious (and more intoxicated) players went way overboard, and began spreading rumors that she was Something Else: a ghost, a curse, or maybe even the devil himself. Those players are always petrified when she's playing, which, of course, makes it easier for her to beat them.

A few of the older regulars are careful to look out for her. She may be a strange little child genius, but she's still a child, and they keep other adults from doing things like giving her alcohol or, on rare occasions, actually physically fighting her when they loose. ("Come on, seriously? You're going to take on a kid over a game of cards? Real mature. You're better than this, let her go." All while Constance smiles deviously in the background)

She has a bunch of little squirrel hoards all over Stonetown, and no one found them because they're in such weird places. Most of the money she used to either buy food, invest back into gambling, or buy notebooks for her poetry.

The way she got enough money to make the initial bets is by picking up change off the street and out of fountains, and by occasionally leaving scathing poems in busker's cases and taking part of their money as a "critic's fee". (She always makes sure to not take too much from those who need it, she has standards, especially for art)

There was at least one time post-Benedict that she was walking with her family and they passed a game, only for a player to nod to her or look terrified as she makes eye contact. Mr. Benedict doesn't really notice, but Rhonda at least has had some experience with the gambling circuit, and she and Number Two exchange mildly concerned looks.

When Milligan encourages the kids to start playing with the adults so as to get their energy out in a way that won't end in actual consequences, a house rule is quickly made that while she will be allowed to "win" a couple of games, all of her wins are invalid because she always cheats.

#this is very unrealistic but it made me laugh so hopefully you will too #please excuse any mistakes i know literally nothing about gambling #in my mind it's something that can happen in an actual casino and also in back alleys #but if i'm wrong please please forgive me #mbs #the mysterious benedict society #constance contraire

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wormtoxin · 2 years

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DNI if:

you relate to hannibal lecter / you wear contacts / you’ve ever streamed on twitch / you live near a body of water / you play minecraft on console / you’ve seen madoka magica but not rebellion / you know more about todd howard than the casual observer / you went to culinary school / you eat raw meat / you are a werewolf

#not gonna say it again 😤#minecraft is not a gaming experience like skyrim #it ought to be played on a computer because it’s serious business #minecraft should be a part of the microsoft office suite #word excel powerpoint and minecraft should come together as a bundle #<- decoy tags #MORGAN IF YOU’RE READING THIS:#i love you!!!!#i thought it would be funny if i made a dni that was just an increasingly specific description of you #i’m sorry if it was frightening #hopefully this gave u a laugh #i hope ur having a good night

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