#hoping my feelings they would drown | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

this-little-piggy-stayed-home · 10 months

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#music #imagine dragons #hoping my feelings they would drown #but they never did #Spotify

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sleepy-bear-tm · 1 year

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"This was not the life I envisioned for you."

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xray-vex · 2 months

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HOW YOUR EMAIL FINDS ME

#literally. re: email from my ex this morning #every day it takes every ounce of mental and emotional strength i have to get my ass out of bed and face the day #today i begin packing to move the fuck out of here #everything fucking hurts and i hate this so much #i'm not feeling brave about any of this #one of the worst things about a breakup is that it damages you for any potential future relationships #in the sense that “how can i ever trust anyone with my heart and my love ever again?”#as if it's not bad enough losing someone you thought would be in your life forever #but the deeply cutting betrayal of finding out that this person you actually trusted with your literal life had led you on FOR YEARS #ESPECIALLY in the sense that this whole scenario is giving me intense flashbacks to the ending of another relationship #that broke me so bad it almost killed me #and it's easy for them to say “i hope you find someone who makes you happy” when they have someone new in their life #if i believed i had prospects for a new romantic relationship then it would be a little easier for me to collect myself & regroup & move on #but i don't think i have it in me to go thru any of this again #and that gives me even more layers of anger and rage and grief #as if it wasn't enough to betray me and break my fucking heart #but it broke me FOR ANY FUTURE LOVE AND HAPPINESS TOO #i know it's not productive for me to think that way #but right now i am fucking drowning in my fucking pain and fucking grief and fucking rage #i wanted stability and love and trust and someone to come home to every night and someone to come home to me every night #i just wanted to love and be loved #i wanted someone who i could call home #I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED #rage #grief #trauma #edward teach #our flag means death #ofmd

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despairforme · 1 year

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He made pancakes and two of them didn’t burn.

#[ he eats the burnt ones at well he just drowns them in syrup ]#[ HELLO GUYS ]#[ i'm feeling super creative and inspiredddd today! ]#[ woke up and thought: what if i made a chibi sticker sheet with nnoitra ]#[ I CANT EVEN DRAW CHIBI STYLE BUT I CAN LEARN ]#[ i would loooove to have some nnoitra stickers ;-; ]#[ i also gotta draw some doflamingo fanart ]#[ for my portfolio ]#[ for when the applications to a doflamingo zine opens ]#[ one of my art goals for 2023 is to participate in a zine! gotta work hard!! ]#[ and also HELLO i want to write today!! ]#[ write for my spoon!! <5 ]#[ my best boi whom i love so muchhh ]#[ blessed by him every day of my life like how did i get this lucky ]#[ hope you're all doing good guys!! ]#despair for me. ╱ in character.#burn the city. ╱ main verse.

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seal-berry · 9 months

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listening to game grumps remixes and realizing it been 10 years since i was a sad 16 year old incredibly fucked up deeply closeted suicidal kid stuck at my parents house and being taken back to that particular headspace is insane. i feel like i havent changed much its more like ive just slowly stripped away all the religious trauma and poorly managed anxiety but its insane that 16 year old me was like. haha. everything is absolutely awful and i want to die but if i get my 20-40 minutes of internet funnyman time daily i will be ok. it was definitely just refreshing and nice to hear from adults out there living and not constantly talking about Our Lord Jesus Christ and why Everything you do is Wrong because that was basically the whole bubble i was stuck in. (holy shit i barely think about it now but before i truly had enough self confidence to deconvert it literally felt like i was living an awful double life between irl and online, which i think is probably a common sentiment but god i forgot what its like to be in that constant self-monitoring place.) i think a lot of it was just wishing i had anything deeper than surface level friendships at the time and ALSO a deeply entwined gender envy for both arin and dan getting to be career silly guys. truly the funnyman was in me all along i simply had to nurture his feral puppyboy spirit and also build the habit of beating the shit out of neurotic thoughts. which all does still go out the window if i have to do socialization in person but hey ill take being able to be an actual person in any capacity or medium ngl being locked up in your own head and having literally nobody take any interest in your real opinions or personality if it falls outside a very specific kind of wanted behavior is a slow and painful internal death. the way we raise kids in this country is deeply fucked ngl anyways thanks game grumps remixes for perfectly dropping me back into 2012 at like midnight on the computer in the living room constantly watching over my shoulder so nobody would see me watch a guy say fuck and then cut off my internet access and my ability to make art and all my social ties

#game grumps #autism #idgaf abt getting personal on here so ill mention #my mom got suuuper pissed when i tried to talk to her abt how this fucked me up #and shes been receptive to mending past hurts so i was hopeful but she was like i could not have known it would be devastating for you #and its like uhmmm you definitely couldve if you had fostered any open communication between us #or showed any interest in me aside from checking in just enough for me to show her i was ok enough for her to feel ok #to be fair our whole family was drowning i think she literally didnt have the capacity to deal with any of my problems #pray away the anxiety kid i know ur dads on wellbutrin and has had lifelong anxiety but i bet youre neurotypical #anyways dont have kids if youre gonna raise them in church #the web is fucked up but its also absolutely a spiders thread out of hell and can expose you to people who dont hate themselves wowie!!

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lostlovepunk · 1 year

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#yeah so #suicidality tw #i guess?#i would really like to be able to use trains normally without my brain just going 'oh we could use that to kill ourselves' every time #a train comes into a station #and that's like. multiple times per day and sometimes it's just a short thought and easily discarded and sometimes #it's not that easy to let go and stabd there watching the train and getting on #i feel like i shortly had some hope the last week and then lost it again but also got my feelings back somehow and now i'm drowning in then #i don't think it's supposed to work like this #to have three breakdowns in 24 hours and just feel kinda numb in between #and i just don't know how to take responsibility for me and actually do anything about this #it's just all so so much and i don't even know what is so much #spike spoke

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the-busy-ghost · 1 year

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Love my wool skirt and handwashing it was much easier than I thought but unfortunately I also discovered how heavy it gets when wet and now I have a complex about somehow becoming trapped in a large body of water and having to swim for my life with the skirt weighing me down

#I should already be worried about that to be honest; I am not the best of swimmers and I'm not sure the doggy paddle would save me #But now I'm even more concerned #I wasn't actually at much risk of drowning in my day to day life anyway but now I'm side-eying all the firths and lochs around me #As if they're going to sneak up on me when I'm not looking and catch me in my new death-trap skirt #This is the unexpected downside of getting better clothes #Yes it's a warmer skirt; yes it's longer so I don't feel like I'm going to accidentally expose myself; yes it's easier to move in #Yes it's way more comfortable around the waist and stomach than my jeans; yes it's got pockets #However #What if I trip and fall into a rogue body of water and DIE #And there was me hoping they'd open a ferry service from the nearby town to Edinburgh...#On the plus side it's that bit more fire retardant than cotton

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slippery-minghus · 1 year

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huh. so like. transitioning from childhood into adolescence was really really hard for me. hard enough that even stating it like that is novel, rather than just "i was really weird and probably evil when i was 12" lol. but it just occurred to me how... autistic that was. the struggle with change. nevermind that from ages 10-13, my parents' relationship was worse than it ever had been as they approached divorce, and the tension in the house was enough to have set shit on fire but...

before my very eyes, things i enjoyed as a child were suddenly not fun anymore. i'd turn on a show i liked, one of the very few, and an episode i would have enjoyed the day before was mind-meltingly stupid. all of my toys—which because my mom substituted healthy love with giving me things, i had a lot of—dropped one at a time from my very short list of things that were fun. (un-dx'd autism also made playing with toys... boring as shit. could only put barbie in so many outfits. and i was too averse to social things to put her in Situations) what i did to my barbies when i finally couldn't stand them anymore was... it wasnt good.

and looking back at it through this lens though... i finally have an answer to the shocked and disgusted "what the hell was wrong with me??" it was because i was angry. i was scared. my parents were fighting all the time and i knew long before then that i couldn't rely on them for jack shit, so i had absolutely no recourse for dealing with the changes my brain was going through. changes i was going through while trying not to be abused, going through puberty (even as an adult shifts in my hormones make me extremely volatile), being bullied/ostracized by my friends and classmates, struggling for the first time with my grades (even though i was "Gifted"!), and of course, trying to fix my parents' marriage and their mental illnesses. all while having a brain that is particularly averse to change.

no wonder i was angry. no wonder i was scared. i was so alone. it was one of the rare occasions i actually acted out, and with the way i built my psyche to survive, no wonder that memory instills me with immediate shame. it was so unlike me to act out for a reason...

and i think back to another memory... one i hold very close to my heart. not because it was one where i was cared for, it's not even good. i think back to the brief stint when i was ten or so that mother put me in therapy for my "anger issues" (and i went unnoticed as autistic yet again. i know intellectually as an adult my mom just wanted to help... but that stint in therapy only reinforced the blame and the brokenness in me). one day, the therapist had me fill up this sandbox with figurines. she had so many to choose from, and it was so much fun. i'd never played with anything like it before. i remember i built a city, with ins and outs and lots of activity. but in the corner, closest to me, behind a wall where the rest of the city wasn't looking, i placed a little baby and an angry tiger. nobody could see how much danger i was in. nobody wanted to see. it was a quiet death.

#by the time i made it into my teens i'd learned not to act out anymore #i acted *in*#and looked at my past self with shame and disgust #but i see her... she was just a child. drowning.#i feel so angry for her. how she had to learn to eat her anger to survive. how she had to become disgusted by her own emotions to be safe #i feel so angry that she had to control herself in such a way that she would 'save up' acting out... hoping for the right moment #she was a doll onstage—giving the performance of her life. FOR her life—for parents who weren't even watching #(but who made her get back up there and keep going every time she got hurt or let on that she was tired)#that poor little girl #(i am genderless and always have been but... calling my younger self she and a girl feels like gentle affection. she was too little)#(because she only wanted to be good at being what she was told to be—being a girl included)#*takes a breath* i've been working hard on this psych shit lately damn #personal

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ban-joey · 11 months

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some women in my grad program made a group chat for the school and i am straight up not having a good time lol. lmao, even

#it's fine it's just all the people doing an mph instead of an ms so there's a certain Vibe #they're all very nice people and totally great in person but im like damn none of you included pronouns in your intros huh #very minor thing but just one i expect from cis people now #also all of them are like currently graduating from a biomedical thing or something #very hard not to feel like im going to be like drowning as soon as classes starts in comparison to all these people! oh well #im also sick so im just getting extra anxious about the whole thing #like huh this is a lot of debt im going to be taking on for something that i dunno that im ready for #i am though i am i am i am i want to be in school again and i have to get my foot in the door of academia somehow #just hate that it costs so much fucking money #really hoping the friends i made at visit days accepted their offers :(#i think that would make me feel less alone

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trashcanalienist · 2 years

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#it's unbearable again and i miss you so much. all at once but also still (because there hasn't been a second where i haven't felt this deep #in me) i am drowning again in this blackness. blacker than blackness it's just empty. despair. absence. without your light i am blind and #hopeless. helpless. cried again as i haven't for you in months. i bleed for you though i know it's not what you would want because i need #it because i need something. because i need you. i'm very clumsy with my words today. i mean just that i can't bear this cold.#have to feel heat even if i have to cut it out of me. it's reassuring. but that's not important.#it's just nothing without you. there's things i want to do and people i want to be with but there's just. nothing.#more that i am nothing. so much of me is because of you. i'm only alive because of you. thousands of times it's been you that saved me #that stopped me or gave me solace or gave me expression. your words. your music. your way of living.#are you still here? i hope you're at peace. but i - so selfishly - i have to know that you're not just - gone. that you're Somewhere.#because i need your presence and because i want everything wonderful that you were to be seen and for you to have the peace you so rarely #did in mortal bounds. in careful arrogance i'll say we are similar and so are others who all are gone and now i don't know anyone like #myself. and you were the best. you were the only human god. and you were human. and you were beautiful.#i'm falling away from myself. i just mean that i love you and i still can't believe this and it hurts worse than anything and it's never #going to stop and i can't bear it and i miss you.#i miss you. please be at peace.#words i speak #miserable grief

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nilisntgreat · 2 years

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I am frustrated with myself..

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vaporfished · 2 months

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I wanna lay down in a cold lake

#i wish that things worked out better #i just hope the good parts of me havent been drowned out via a bitter reframing of my truth but #lol #i miss feeling special #i knew better than to believe that I would be truly loved #i dunno. there are people who will give me the time of day and not treat me like a dog and I just gotta wait ig

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 3 months

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uh oh! worlds stupidest little guy used the wrong lotion and now everything smells like my childhood bathroom and the year is 2016 and its february which means its almost valentines day which is perhaps the most accursed date on the calendar and the year is 2016 and your least favorite little guy is in full blown survival panic mode!

#fuuuuuuuuck #head in hands #i fucking . have had perhaps the worst week ive had in years . including all my time in indy last year #i have not had a single win since . idk. last saturday maybe ?#uhhhhh i dont like springtime its the most painfully nostalgic time of year #and idk why i even have this lotion but everything is dry and itchy so i was like hey im gonna treat myself to some basic self care #and now my apartment smells like my second suicide attempt and everything is horrible actually . into the garbage with you.#im going to stick my legs into the fireplace and hopefully the smell of burning flesh will drown it out!!!!!#that is. not serious. im just like. fuck #i was supposed to go home tommorrow but yet another tragedy has struck because the universe fucking hates me #so now i domt know whether i want to or not #like. is it better to grieve alone in my apartment where i (usually) feel safe #or should i go home and be surrounded by grieving family which is. a whole other process i dont know if i want to deal with #pros. i get to see loki and i am extremely pet deprived . cons. my parents are going to ask me questions about my life #and also i have to sleep in my childhood bedroom a week away from my most mentally ill day of the damn year #ugm. um. yeah #i need to cry but i havent been able to cry in a really long time and i know it would be cathartic #but also its already 1030 pm and i cant spend two more hours having a sobbing fest because i have work in the morning #and i dont know how to make myself cry without doing things that would be even more damaging to my mental state #so instead i will stare at a wall and hope the smell goes away and try to fall asleep. i fucking guess #uhhhhhhhhhhhhhg #im holding it together by a fucking thread and boy is it fraying

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therevengeoffrankenstein · 3 months

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love is real 💕

#myevilposts #i could fly i could fly this whole time #like everybody else. it's true. it's all all all TRUE!#i've been drowning but now i'm learning how to swim. i've been drowning but i'm learning how to breathe under water.#i love how it feels so different every time but it's still all the same. it's exciting familiarity.#i'm different.... my body can't regulate its hormones. my heart can't regulate its blood flow.#something about being held in vein. you know me.#i will not let it tint my world. rose colored glasses be damned/blessed. i'm talking about limelight.#spray paint away the green until there's nothing left but tags upon tags upon tags. 50 dollars worth even. to have is close to having....#isn't it messed up how i'm just dying to be him? or be with him. you know me.#it's nuts being dragged both opposite ways by the hair or lack thereof. what a novel idea. my initial would still be E.#sometimes (and i think it's normal but not right) i want to wrap it all up around my fingers and TUG as hard as i can until #it all comes out. drag her around until i physically can't anymore. i want to draw her. i want to draw her blood.#but i needn't worry about those things. money is green too.#and in this case so is hope.#when i say i'm gonna touch the sky. when i say i'm gonna be a star.#i mean the second one to the left. never never and all.#i wrote a little number about that and i think i might call it 'one' which is! on record! and on record! what i so crave.#i will know synchronicity! i will know intimately. everything will MANifest but not like that.#not what you're thinking. you know me.#lookin after no. 1 and all. lol. kind of ironic but it's whatevs.#he looks just like me.

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itspotassiumbby · 8 months

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#i miss my dog so fucking much #i feel like I'm drowning #i knew this would eventually b my reality #i understand mortality and that everyone will eventually die #she was the only thing tht kept me alive for so lont #the knowledge tht I'll never get to kiss her fuzzy head ever again fucking kills me #i love you so much Lucy #u were a fucking angel on earth #the world is a darker place without you #i hope Jackie is taking good care of u #she'll love u just as much as i do

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thoughtfulseason · 8 months

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funnily enough what had to make me worry less for my fencing practice today has got me shaking

#the point is #last training was weird because even though coach made a few jokes i didnt feel like he liked me that day #and suddenly i lost my motivation somehow?? that feeling moved sth deeper #and now it all feels so weird #i feel my art passion so strong but right this second i feel drowning in fencing sort of. i mean in a way that idk what it means to me #and i want to be that person who is confident and shining in herself because she is enough. i am enough #and i dont want to do stuff so other people would like me more #i wanna be cool but on my own terms #i wanna reach my dreams and love myself truly #and so this horrible stress that im now shaking from might mean that my body is reacting to a really big change and i hope i can make it #now even my head is spinning i need to come back to myself #i am actually a reallu interesting person and if somebody doesnt see that its their problem #though id prefer it wouldnt be someone i feel like i met in another life idk #or really like #’so you were never a saint’ tru tru

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