#i cant even say i hope you kill yourself because i dont. but i should.

[nvrsaidiwasinurcloset]

reader comforting sad ethan?? like could be something his dad was suggesting/saying and ethans really frustrated. had prob been avoiding girlfriend! reader for a bit bc of the whole plan thing. hes prob reconsidering it all bc its been the happiest hes been in his LIFE and he feels like a shitty bf for the shit abt to happen. but he obviously cant talk abt it so he tries to shut her out, which doesnt work clearly. its up to you if you wanna include smut (tbh dont see dom! ethan existing here) but definitely just angst to fluff! this boy needs a hug ):

Okay, hi! I was about to go to bed when I got this request, and just HAD to write it. No smut, I thought it was better without it. I hope you like it:)

Everything We Need - Ethan Landry x Fem!Reader

Summary: Your boyfriend is feeling guilty about being Ghostface, and wants to do whatever he can to protect you.

A/N: I LOVE THIS. There's just something about sad Ethan that makes me love him even more🥹

When Ethan met up with Quinn and his dad, he felt sick to his stomach. The plan that had been in the works for a year was coming to fruition, as two wannabe Ghostface’s had met their demise. He really wanted to back out. For the first time in his life, he had someone in his life that made him want to get up every day, and that’s been weighing heavy on his mind.

“Ethan, are you listening?” Wayne asked, Quinn rolling her eyes.

“He’s probably thinking about his girlfriend,” she scoffed, as Wayne’s face got even more serious.

“You need to keep your head in this. Don’t you let some little bitch keep you from doing what we’re all here to do,” he said, scanning his sons face. “Richie would never let me down.”

His dad always used that against Ethan. Richie and his dad were so close, while Ethan didn’t get the whole father-son bonding experience he craved. That’s why he agreed to go along with this plan in the first place. He wanted his fathers love so badly that he was willing to kill for it.

“I know, dad. I won’t let you down,” he said, as Wayne started to discuss the plan further.

“Wait, does Ethan’s little girlfriend have to die, too?” Quinn asked, as a lump formed in Ethan’s throat.

“Shut the fuck up, Quinn!” Ethan yelled, as his dad stood there, thinking about the best way to respond.

“She might. I don’t know yet. You might want to distance yourself from her. If she finds out, she will have to die,” Wayne said, as Ethan’s eyes started to water. A single tear slipped down his cheek, quickly wiping it away with his hand.

“Ethan, I don’t think I can count on you for this. Your head is obviously somewhere else, as usual,” he said, shaking his head. “Why can’t you be strong like Richie was?”

The rest of their meeting consisted of Ethan getting berated by Quinn and his father. He knew he needed to keep you safe, so he decided that maybe he should put a little distance between the two of you. He felt like shit that your friends were on the literal chopping block, and he knew how badly this would hurt you if you ever found out he was a part of it.

He ignored every text you’d sent him for the last few days. He declined every FaceTime. You were really starting to worry about him. Aside from the worrying, your heart hurt, because you’d just taken his virginity before he stopped talking to you. You couldn’t help but wonder if that had anything to do with why he pretty much ghosted you.

As you were on your way to Sam and Tara’s, you sent Ethan another text asking if he was going to be there. You hoped for a reply, but you never got one.

You sat around the living room with Anika, Mindy, Tara, and Quinn when Chad walked in. You waited for Ethan to walk in, but he never did.

“Hey, what’s up, guys?” Chad said, taking a seat next to Tara.

“Where’s Ethan?” Tara asked, knowing you wanted the answer.

“Oh, he was going to come, but he decided last minute to stay at the dorm,” Chad said, before looking over to you, “He didn’t tell you he wasn’t coming?”

“No,” you whispered, as Quinn rolled her eyes. She couldn’t stand you and hoped that Ethan wouldn’t have taken their dad’s advice. She wanted nothing more than to make you one of her victims.

“That’s really weird,” Mindy said, a confused look on her face. “Maybe you should go check on him.”

“He ignores me every time I try to contact him,” you said, “I don’t think he wants to see me.”

“That’s definitely weird because he won’t shut up about how much he misses you.”

You were so confused, but you tried to ignore the urge to go see him. Maybe he was just going through something and needed space, but you still thought it was strange that he didn’t tell you what was going on with him.

As everyone got ready to leave, you pulled Chad to the side.

“Is Ethan okay?” you asked, as Chad shook his head.

“He’s always talking about you, but he isn’t sleeping. He’s barely eating. I don’t know what’s going on with him,” he responded, a little bummed that his friend wasn’t doing well.

“I think I’m going to go see him,” you sighed, pulling your jacket on.

“I’ll be there soon, I want to hang out with Tara for a little bit,” he said.

You nodded as you grabbed your phone and started the walk to his dorm. When you got there, you knocked on the door, hoping that he was home.

Your mouth dropped when you saw his face as he opened the door. His eyes were sunken in, he was very pale. He looked like a shell of his former self.

“Baby, what’s going on?” you asked as he gestured you in.

He sat down on his bed beside you but didn’t want to speak. He didn’t want to put you in danger.

“Please talk to me,” you said, tears welling up in your eyes.

Hot, fat tears started to flow down his cheeks. You pulled him close to you as he sobbed into your chest.

“I don’t know why you want to be with me. I’m worthless,” he cried, your heart shattering at his words.

“Baby, why do you think that? You aren’t worthless,” you said, a few tears slipping past your bottom lashes.

“I’m nothing. I’m weak. I don’t deserve you,” he was choking out his words between sobs as your fingers ran through his hair.

“Ethan, I love you. I love you with all my heart. I don’t want you to talk about yourself like that. You’re perfect the way you are,” you whispered to him as you kissed his forehead.

“No, I’m not. My dad always compares me to my brother. He’s always been the golden child while I’ve been the black sheep of the family,” he said, your nails gently dragging across his scalp as you tried to soothe him. He’s never mentioned his family, and it really pissed you off that anyone could make this sweet boy feel this way.

“You’re always golden to me, baby. You mean so much to me, and it breaks my heart that you feel this way.”

In that moment, everything clicked in Ethan’s head. He knew he didn’t need his dad because he has you. Someone that loves him unconditionally.

“What if we just leave?” he asked, sitting up to look at you.

“Why do you want to leave?” you asked, taking his hand in yours.

“It isn’t safe here. I don’t want anything to happen to you,” he said, his eyes pleading with yours.

You started to think about it. All classes have been cancelled for the last week. Most of the students have already returned home because of what happened to the guys from the Film Studies class.

“Where do you want to go?” you asked, smiling at him.

“I don’t care. I want to get as far away as possible,” he said, standing up. “I’ll grab what I’ll need, and we’ll go to your dorm next.”

You helped him grab the necessities, noticing things you knew he’d need that he didn’t seem to care about in his current state. He grabbed stacks of clothes, piling them in his suitcase.

“Can you sit on this for me so I can zip it?” he asked, as you giggled. You did what he asked as he sighed in relief, ready to get your stuff so you could get the fuck out of the state.

You walked out of the dorm and went around the back of it.

“Wait here,” Ethan said, running over to the dumpster. He pulled the robe, mask, and knife out of his backpack, throwing it away.

He was smiling when he came back over to you, looking like the normal Ethan you fell in love with. He picked you up and spun you around, before kissing you.

“I love you,” he said, as he sat you back down and his forehead rested against yours.

“I love you, too.”

Once you arrived at your dorm, you grabbed everything you needed in a matter of minutes. Ethan was deep in thought as he sat on your bed.

“You having second thoughts about this?” you joked, as he shook his head.

“No, there’s nothing more that I want than to get away from here with you,” he said, placing a kiss to your forehead. “Can we take your car?”

“I was kind of hoping that was the plan,” you laughed, as you double-checked the room to make sure you weren’t missing anything. “Let’s get out of here.”

Your hand was in his as you walked through the student parking lot to your car. Once you made it there, Ethan asked you to get in so he could put the luggage in the trunk. You thought about how Chad mentioned that Ethan hadn’t slept in days, so you decided that it’d be best if you drove.

He started to feel uneasy, so he felt around under the bumper of your car.

“That stupid bitch,” he muttered, pulling off the tracking device Quinn must’ve put on your car.

“Okay, we’re ready. I just need to run by the ATM before we leave,” he said, as you looked at him, confused.

“Uh, my dad has experience with finding people, and I don’t want him to see my card transactions wherever we end up going,” he explained, as you nodded.

You pulled up to the ATM as he handed you his card and told you the pin.

“How much?” you asked, entering the pin on the pad.

“Let’s get two thousand for now,” he said, as you turned to look at him.

“How much money do you have in here?” you asked, your eyes wide. It’s not everyday a college kid pulls two grand out of their bank account.

“I have a lot. When my mom died, she left a lot of money to me,” he said, as you rubbed your hand against his thigh.

“I didn’t know that babe. I’m sorry,” you said, withdrawing the money and handing it to him.

As the two of you crossed state lines, he finally stopped looking behind him. You felt a little nervous that he was so concerned, almost like he thought you were being followed. The further you drove, the more exhausted you started to get.

“We might need to stop soon,” you said, Ethan’s tired eyes looking you over.

“Okay, let’s take the next exit. We can get a hotel room for the night,” he said, as you nodded, a yawn slipping out.

Once you got to the room, he crawled onto the bed. You helped him take his shoes off before you snuggled up beside him.

“Thank you,” he said, as he laid his head on your chest.

“For what?” you asked, starting to relax in the bed.

“For loving me as much as you do.”

#ethan landry #ethan landry x reader #scream

[three-cheers-for-my-balls]

MY FAVORITE RTC QUOTES

when you've been alone as long as i have, you tend to anthropomorphize your friends. (karnak)

-If you believe both armrests are yours exclusively, you are part of the problem. (karnak)

-even in competition against yourself, you can still walk away a loser (ocean)

-he was inspired by traditional african folk music, specifically the lion king (constance)

-raise a middle finger to that most ruthless adjudicator called time (karnak)

-i hope i wiped my browser history clean (constance)

-democracy rocks! (ocean)

-i trade mostly in prophecies that dont make any sense until they actually do (karnak)

-even in death i can't escape her- she's followed me to the afterlife! (noel)

-well played satan, well played (noel)

being the only gay man in a small rural highschool is like having a laptop in the stone ages. sure you can have one but theres nowhere to plug it in (noel)

When a lioness has children, she sops making love to the lion. the lion gets jealous, sometimes so jealous he eats the children. You think this would upset the lioness. far from it. they make love again like the children never existed. (jane/penny)

-noooo i cant get any wifi up in this bitch (mischa)

-my gansta persona is only armour to conceal the fact that i am naked child wandering through the wilderness holding in my hands my wounded fragile heart (mischa)

-that was wack (mischa)

-i dont know how it is in your culture but in ours, playing games with peoples lives? super illegal (ocean)

-if its yellow, let it mellow. if its brown scoop it out with your hand and put it in the compost (karnak)

-some people are right wing, some people are left wing but last time i checked it takes 2 wings to fly. we are community we are family, we are the world (ocean)

-what you need is a fother-mucking hero (ocean)

-your cousin was in grade 4 he had to get his stomach pumped (ocean)

-you challenged my preconcieved notion that all gay dudes are fun to be around (ocean)

-OHHHH sweet jesus christ. on a bike. (noel)

-its like a slurpee woodstock (noel)

-a s.xual provacetour and a novelist. who never wrote a novel. or had sex (noel)

-GOD DAMMIT CAN YOU KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR ONE SECOND YOU HORRIBLE SUCCUBUS (noel)

-that was DOOOOOPEE YOOOOO (mischa)

-mad wicked awesome! (mischa)

-fornication under consent of the king (jane/penny)

-in my country it is natural for 2 men to show affection by kissing… not always in heels (mischa)

-theres a difference between affection and smut (ocean)

-not in my bible baby, bonsoir (noel)

mine will only have profanity in chorus (mischa)

-little orphan a hole (mischa)

-teen sex? kills (ocean)

-porno is magical (ricky)

whattt just because im all gangsta dont automatically make me homophobic. its not cool to be homophobe in rap game anymore since macklemore dropped same love. that sh.t was emotionally devastativing yo. (mischa)

he turned to the last fashion of pure stregnth and masculinity in society, self agrandizing commercialized hiphop (karnak)

grab yo dicks if you in the 306 bruh (mischa)

-autotune will never die (mischa)

-my rage has subsided, i am vulnerable now (mischa)

and that is why not everybody should have a library card! and you should vote for me (ocean)

and this is why you both SUCKED at math (ocean)

-on the other hand, given the context of german history, being a party spoiler might be a good thing. (karnak)

-i guess you could say im pretty sexy on another planet (ricky)

i told you moneky lovedrop (ricky)

-life is hard enough without making up reasons to be dicks to each other (ricky)

-incredible~ (ricky)

-theres only one commandment in the bachelor man bible: dont be a dick (ricky)

-we listen to you now space jesus (mischa)

#ride the cyclone #mischa bachinski #noel gruber #ocean o'connell rosenberg #constance blackwood #ricky potts #penny lamb #jane doe rtc #karnak

[mangekyuou]

Hey Mange!! May I get a Zoro x crewmate where his friend is a kind person who wields a sword and never uses them for wrong, until he loses control of his feelings and lashes out, almost hurting somebody in the crew

After such a thing happened reader’s been too scared to wield a weapon again, they cant spar or defend themselves because they don’t have any trust in themselves that it wont happen again and they dont wanna hurt anyone

Just Zoro comforting them, telling them to have some trust and such

Hope u have a good life please and tyyy!

⟡    ֺ   𓂂  now playing  ,  lost and found.

!!     pairing! . . .  gn!reader x roronoa zoro.

!!     type of love! . . .  for you to decide :)

!!     cw(s)! . . .  mentions of violence. mishandling of a weapon. no pronouns used. not proofread.

!!     wc! . . .  0.9k.

!!     notes! . . .  wasn’t sure if this was meant to be platonic or romantic, so it can be read either way. but i really liked this request !! thank you so much for requesting !!

!!     this has happened a few times so i want to address it here in case you see it again, please don’t call me mange, that’s a skin disease that mammals have 😭😭 zuko or z is fine !!

You did it, you finally blew it all over again. Freezing up in a fight, nearly getting yourself killed. And that is what would have happened had Zoro not jumped in front of you, taking down your opponent with ease. He wasted no time to turn on his heel, facing you. You could make out many different emotions in his expression. A little confusion, a bit of anger, and even some disappointment.

He opened his mouth to say something. To ask you what the hell was wrong with you. To ask why you didn't move, why you didn't pick up your sword and defend yourself as a swordsman should!

But he stopped himself as he saw your face. That frightened look in your eyes, tears of fear welling in the corners, as if you'd seen a ghost.

You hadn't stopped thinking about the incident since it happened. To be a swordsman is to always remain in control of yourself and the blade, to never lash out and lose sight, or else things could go very wrong. And that day, things did very wrong.

You lost control of the blade, nearly gouging out one of your captain's eyes. Your own saving grace was Luffy himself, being able to react fast enough.

You'd never forgive yourself, retiring your blade to the corner of the training room. You haven't touched it since and you never planned on picking it up again. Luffy was alive and well, smiling and hopping from wall to wall like he always did. But he almost lost an eye because of you, that was nothing something you could just let fade away.

Rather than training as you used to, you'd spend your afternoons in the back of the Sunny, leaning against the railings as you looked out at the sights that the Grand Line had to offer. Just anything to take your mind off of the incident even if it was for a brief moment.

"Are you going to talk about what happened or are you just going to continue to sulk by yourself?" The green-haired swordsmen's voice sounded from behind you.

You didn't even answer. Your head fell in shame, in disappointment. You wondered if he was still disappointed in you as well, too afraid to look him in the eye as you recalled his expression after he saved your ass.

Zoro took his place right next to you, letting his back rest against the railing. He folded his arms across his broad chest, letting his head fall slightly, closing his eye.

There was a silence between the two of you. The only sound that could be heard were the high winds from above and the sounds of the waves crashing against the ship from below. It felt like you were waiting forever for him to say something, anything was better than this cruel silence. You had no idea what he was thinking, if his opinion of you had changed, if he had even considered you a friend anymore.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see him move, picking his head up and opening his eye, looking up at the white clouds. "Talk to me, ( y/n )," He began, finally looking at you, "Whatever it is you're feeling, what you're going through right now...just tell me."

Slowly you picked your head up, facing your fear of seeing the disappointment in his gaze. But there was no disappointment, there was no anger. There was worry, there was concern, there was care. Expressions of which you haven't seen much from him. He was always so calm and collected, a man to admire. But the Zoro before you, you had yet to see.

"I feel...lost," You started, looking down at your hands, "I feel like...I don't know who I am anymore. I...I almost hurt...Luffy. I can never forgive myself for that."

"Accidents happen. They happen to all of us. You are not a bad person for making a mistake. You are human," He noted.

You shook your head, "I lashed out. I lost control. And it almost took someone else's life! And then when I stop using my sword, I freeze up and I'm utterly helpless! I'm no better than a fish out of the water! I'm too much of a risk to be a part of this crew. You all have done nothing but care about me...and this is thanks I give you all."

Hot tears ran down your face. You were angry at yourself for all of this. "Everything would just be better if I left―"

"Don't finish that sentence." His voice was firm, "Never say that about yourself. We would not be the same without you. I wouldn't be the same without you. Mistakes happen. It is up to you whether or not you allow it to define who you are. And if you asked me, I know that you are better than that. You're a great swordsman and an even greater person. Never, ever forget that."

His words were warm and comforting. The look in his eye confirmed that he was genuine.

"Thank you for listening to me. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me," You thanked him with a small sniffle, wiping away the streams of tears from your face with the back of your hand.

He shrugged his shoulders, "Don't mention it. And ( y/n ), don't rush yourself to pick back up where you left off. Don't feel pressured to pick your sword back up just yet."

"How do you know if I'm going to pick it back up at all?"

He thought for a moment, "Call it a hunch. All you need to do is find yourself and your trust in yourself. Take it easy until then and don't be so hard on yourself, yeah?"

You nodded.

Zoro placed his hand on top of your head, a small smile forming, "I believe in you."

© MANGEKYUOU — do not copy, repost, or translate my works.

#one piece #roronoa zoro #zoro #zoro x reader #zoro oneshots #zoro scenarios #zoro imagines #zoro headcanons #one piece x reader #one piece oneshots #one piece scenarios #one piece imagines #one piece headcanons #☆ — MY LOVE MINE ALL MINE.

[silverstonesainz-archive]

🫧 - enemies to lovers with max with driver!reader

-🧸

max is a lover, but goddamn is he fighter. it would go like:

listen, in all fairness it was just an inchident. you had aquaplaned right into max. it was an accident, and you didn't have control over the kart.

it was also over ten years ago.

max could really hold a grudge. but so could you.

you were both competing in f1, finally after making your way up and landing a seat in redbull. with max.

you were going head to head with him (and charles but he was irrelevant in this equation). it was very reminiscent of the the three way battle of kimi, lewis, and fernando battle in 2007.

you were always down each others throats in driver briefings, always tryna catch the other in a technicality. you both have never wanted to see the other fall so far down so bad.

but it all changed in singapore, when lando had overestimated his driving ability and forced you into the wall.

it was a really bad crash, so bad you barely managed to get yourself out of your car.

the dnf costed you a considerable amount of points, forcing you back into p3 in the standings, which had you more defeated than anything.

you were sitting in your drivers room, after being cleared by med staff, sulking in your shit result and plotting ways to kill lando when theres a knock on your door.

"come in." max pokes his head through the door, and your frown. "get out."

he can't help but chuckle, opening the door wider and planting himself in the entry way. "just checking in on ya... t'was a pretty bad crash."

you nod, "yeah. i'm fine. my ego's bruised more than anything."

he nods. "well.... i um.. i'm glad you're okay. and you'll be back up there after next race."

you raised your brow at him but nod, "yeah. hope so."

after that, you and max were civil. the tension between the garages was thinning out, everyone had noticed.

even christian did, much to his delight. "glad you two are getting along."

come the second to last race, you were neck and neck with your teammate. las vegas had really put you up there, just two points behind max.

you celebrated your win (and double rbr podium too) in sin city the best way you knew how: in the club with the most expensive bottle of tequila.

the night was one whole blur, only pieces coming back to you the morning after.

what you dont remember is how you ended up in bed with your teammate.

you both were awake in a panic, scrambling to the opposite ends of the bed, clutching the sheets to cover your body.

you both agreed to pretend that it never happened, and that you should go back to hating each other. because god was life so much easier when you hated max.

except now you cant stop thinking of him, the way his arms felt around you that morning. you suddenly can't stop thinking of the way he smells, or the way his hair was up in different directions.

max too, with his memory of your hair in his face and your soft skin under his fingers. god he could never rid of you even if he tried.

abu dhabi comes sooner than either of you expect. with a redbull front row lockout, you walk up to max before climbing into your car for the formation lap. "good luck out there." "likewise. see you on the podium."

you did. you saw max, all the way from the stop step. because you won. you were the champion. you beat him.

actually, you saw max after giving your team and family hugs. you both had hugged each other so tightly, max grabbing either side of your helmet and resting it against his. "you did it. congratulations"

after all the debriefs, the interviews, the multitude of congratulations, max finds you again in your drivers room.

"the team is lookin for ya." he says, standing awkwardly in the doorway of your room.

"coming, i'm coming."

you are about to walk out of your room when max pulls you back by your arm. you look at him confused. "what?"

"i like you."

your face goes blank, eyes wide. you weren't expecting that.

"i've liked you for a while now actually, and to be fair i was dick because i liked your attention and i know-"

"thats so kindergarten of you."

"i know. but ive never been to good with the ladies. but i'd like to be good with you... if you'd give me a chance."

you try to fight the smile on your face. you tiptoe and press a light kiss on his cheek. "we can talk about it over dinner." and finally you walk past him.

max is on your trail, goofy smile on his lips, "tomorrow at 7?"

"its a date."

d's 2k celly

#d's 2k sleepover! #max verstappen #mv1 hc

[minminho0]

➣𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐

<𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐦𝐚 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫>

Summary: Your family got killed right in front of your eyes when you were a child. The only thing you remembered from the demon is those abnormal rainbow eyes. You're determined to be a demon slayer when you grow up to kill the exact demon who killed your family. What if one day you met that demon again but not as an enemy but as a lover? and what if you found out hes not a human and hes the exact demon who killed your family? will you kill him or forgive him?

A/n:I CANT STOP THINKING ABT HIM OH MY GOSH HES SO PRETTY

anyways i hope you enjoy~!

--

After that night, you run away from your home, leaving the dead bodies to rot. You burried the demon's features in your mind but to be honest you dont really have to, since you can never forget those beautiful rainbow eyes. You are determined to kill him no matter what but to start that you have to know how to fight and obviously youre just a kid (13), you have to start of with the basics.

You kept running until it was the next day resulting you to collapse, of course you wouldn't let yourself sleep in the middle of the road, that will be too dangerous. So you climb a nearby tree with all the remaining strength you have and slept there.

But you woke up a few hours later, wondering how you could become a demon slayer until you heard some people talking below the tree where you are about the final selection.

'Final selection?' You listen a bit more and found out that to become a demon slayer you have to participate on the final selection to become a demon slayer.

'Welp that problem is solved but what about the training and stuff? I dont know how to.. Ill probably find someone.. And if i dont then ill train by myself.. '

You jumped off the tree once the people who was talking below you already walked away. You walked around wondering what you should eat for dinner, not knowing that someone already decided what their dinner should be, You.

Goosebumps spread around your body when you heard a loud thump behind you. You slowly turn your head and immediately saw a demon sprinting towards you.

"AH!!! HELPPPP" you started running away while shouting for help.

"COME BACK HERE AND LET ME FEAST ON YOU!" the demon shoutes but you still kept on running.

You were panicking and crying at this point but you suddenly heard

"AHH!! HOW DARE YOU!!" Before the shouting had faded. You did not dare stop running until curiosity got the best of you and you look back. Instead of being greeted with a demon running after you, you just saw a normal dude walking towards you with a sword.

"Ha? Who are you?"

"No need to know who i am but we need to hurry for shelter, its already night time."

"Wha-" before you could reply, the man already grabbed your hand and startes sprinting away. Your legs cant even keep up with his speed, his basically just dragging you. You tightened your grip on his hands, scared that you'll get left behind.

All the demons that were trying to eat you two were immediately slain before you even notice them.

The guy lead you to a small house which you're going to assume is his.

You sat on the floor and waited for him to settle down before you ask.

"So.. Who are yo-"

"My name is Urokodaki"

"My name is Y/n" you bowed down in front of the man, forehead, hands and knees laid flat on the ground while you kept saying thank you.

"Thank you for saving my life, if it werent for you id be dead by now" you praised him.

-

You two got to know each other while having dinner that the man had prepared for you.

"So- *munch* why do you have that mask on you? " you said while eating, a little creeped out that his just staring at you eat.

"Because of reasons.. Now refill your stamina as your training starts tomorrow. "

"Hah?! What training!?" You choked.

"Didn't you say you want to kill the demon that ate your family? The only way to kill it is to become a demon slayer. " he simply explained.

"Oh ok it shouldn't be that hard-"

-

"I spoke to soon" you said while crying and struggling because you're practically being tortured!

"It is part of your training to become a demon slayer"

"I know but.. " 

'Its too late to back out now' you thought as you continued, your only motivation is your family.

--

<<𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭>>

Hehe i hope you enjoyed this chapter~!

-April 12, 2023

#fanfic #angst #fluff #douma x you #douma #douma headcanons #douma my beloved #douma icons #douma fluff #enemies to lovers

[coveredinredpaint]

hi! my name is rex too and i think thats pretty cool

anyway, i was wondering if you had any tips on dressing feminine but like,,,, also being able to pass? or tips on being confident enough to not need to pass?

heyy that is pretty cool!!

im gonna be honest with you, i never really managed to pass before starting t. there were like 5 times ppl gendered me correctly but after that they immediatly "corrected" themselves. the only person who didnt was a toddler, i hope hes doing great.

all the tips and tricks ppl gave out never worked for me, never managed to figure out why, im thinking it was mostly my voice.

so i got absolutely no passing advice for you, but i can definitely tell you how to work on your confidence and say fuck you to societies ridiculous expectations

(it turned out longer than i distracted, i cant give concrete advice apparently my apologies)

tw: mention of bullying and some mental health stuff but nothing heavy

before i start i will say that it takes time. it takes time to learn and let go of this need to fit in. to learn to do your own thing even if you have to do it alone. to grow and learn who you want to be or are.

first we need to understand that expectations of how we should act or dress or look, whether based on our gender or not, are absolute bullshit. like straight up made up.

step one is kill the cop in your head. every time you judge yourself (or someone else) for something, ask why you care about that. most of the time its cause you have been taught in some way that what youre doing is not according to "the rules". this can be for the smallest things, like when i get really excited and stim about something i used to feel embarassed because "men dont act like that". sometimes i still feel that way. its not something you can just get rid of, so its important to actively affirm yourself that what youre doing is okay and that you are allowed to do what makes you happy.

dealing with yourself is already a hell of a challenge, but other people, that something else. i hope you live in an accepting area and i have heard many stories of people are queer fully accepted for it. but often thats sadly not yet the case. surely isnt for me at my school. there are people who are gonna make you feel like shit, who are gonna call you all the horrible things the voice in your brain calls you too. you are gonna wish you were "normal" sometimes, even if you dont really mean it.

going back to normal? going back in the closet? letting go of the clothes that make my feel better even on the most dysphoric days? fuck no, i finally started to get myself, my life back, im not sacrificing that for some teens whos names i dont even know. so you turn it around, no longer "why do they treat me like that" but "how dare they treat me like that" if they kick you while youre down you better bite their ankles and dont let go. most people who bully people who are "other" are terrified of what they see in us. we are living proof that their belief of how the world should work is very wrong. they call you a fag and a tranny? you better come to school next day in the gayest clothes you own. they call you an emo and bark at you? you better be dressed even more punk the next day. they may laugh at you, yell at you, even record you or push you around. it doesnt matter, they hold no power over who you are.

but please do not try and carry this alone. dont let yourself turn bitter. its is difficult to be treated like shit for simply existing. even when it doesnt hurt as much as it did its still exhausting. find someone to talk to, whether its a family member you trust, a friend, a mental health professional or other queer people online. its important not to suppress your feelings. get them out, by either talking about them or writing or making art or music.

know that its your life and you can live it however the hell you want. be kind to yourseld, be kind to others. if you are not where you want to be to right now you will in the future. cant really call it a life if you didnt live for it. it will get better, you just got to keep going and keep fighting.

#queer punk #punx #queercore #punk #transmasc #trans punk

[rebuzzbuzz]

I feel like people need to be a lot stricter with the distinction of what is comshipping, venting or just plain old dark content. Hear me out i have reasons for this, but they might be a bit jumbled and long so they go under the cut. Hope they make sense.

Warning: This is my opinion. No words are censored because i find self censoring stupid. If the discussion of various dark topics make you uncomfortable you should probably not keep reading, I am not responsible if you do anyway and it ends up upsetting you

Edit: i have been made aware of the fact that i got some terms wrong and fixed them ( i think ), i didn’t really do much research and went from memory from when this was still all over the place, I apologize for that but most of my points still stand

( thank you to the people two people who pointed it out, i really appreciate it)

What is my definition of a comshipping? The act of shipping someone with someone else that would be a unhealthy and/or toxic relationship in a positive light. Most prominent examples being pedophilia and incest

Apart from the fact that i personally do not consider any fictional relationship that is unhealthy and/or toxic a ship, i completely agree with the anti’s that you shouldn’t do that, and if you do it to cope with things that happened to you (wich i personally dont think is entirely healthy) do it privately wich brings me to my next point

What is my definition of a healthy ship? people in a romantic relationship that were both in the same age group when they met, not weirdly fetishized, and no other kind of wrong

Do i think that you cant explore your trauma in an very vivid and/or descriptive matter? No, i think you can and it’s possibly even healthy for you, what i do think however that it should be kept between yourself and those that you trust, because i don’t think it is save to put vivid descriptions of your mental or physical health and trauma onto the internet.

People are both cruel and a lot more brave to be horrible on the internet than in real life. And that can lead to bullying, death threats and the possible backtracking of your progress wich i personally find too big of a risk to take.

Including dark topics into into whatever creative projects you have, doesn’t immediately make it romanticized, sexualized or god forbid normal, nor does it immediately make you into a bad person.

Is there a point where it could be interpreted that way? Yes. Is that point the inclusion or mention of said topic? No. Otherwise Horror, thriller, crime and other similar media should also be in the same boat. The inclusion of a murderer doesn’t immediately advocate that you should kill your neighbors, the same way that the inclusion of a pedophile doesn’t advocate for you to go have sex with a child. As long it is explicitly clear that it doesn’t intend to portray the dark topic of choice as a good or healthy thing, you don’t have to say anything and can avoid said media. Can you point out if they maybe forgot a warning or tag? Yes. Can you tell them that they maybe represented it wrong or in a potentially harmful way? Yes but only respectfully, they might have genuinely not realized. Can you tell whoever wrote it that they should kill themselves? No absolutely not, wich brings me to my last two points

Proshipping: having the opinion to just let people be with what they ship and letting them have the freedom to create and consume whatever they like (including darker content) fair points are being made, but i feel like there has to be a line drawn somewhere if it could actually explicitly harm people ( people shipping something in a way where it can only be interpreted as encouragement of said unhealthy/toxic relationship dynamic )

Antishipping: being against ships deemed offensive of in some other way problematic same point as before, as long as the only possible interpretation isn’t bad thing=good i don’t really care, i have the decency to look after my own internet/content consumption. I agree that there has to be a line somewhere. People enjoying things in a way where i couldn’t harm anyone is not where it needs to be

I do not identify with either parts of this debate, why is that. The way a lot of the people i see handle it absolutely horribly and in ways i do not agree with and i do not want to be associated with.

Im not saying that there aren’t people that don’t make proper points or react appropriately, but the loudest part of them don’t, with the most common things i see being aggressive about it, dragging it into extremes and telling the other person to kill themselves, and i just dont want to be associated with that.

My thoughts overall in the pro vs anti discussion: frankly i find it immature. I’ll say it. It’s immature do discuss morals regarding fiction to the extremes that some do. Im not saying that some people dont make genuine good points, but most people use it as an excuse to be horrible.

If you’re only argument against something is “ it is bad so therefore you should kill yourself for even interacting with it” i dont think you have actually something explicitly against it in a way you know why, you just want to justify being a horrible person. I am aware that the sheer existence of various topics can be interpreted as encouraging from certain type of people, but those kinds of people will find anything to justify their doing, and their potential actions are not your fault. Horror movies do not encourage murder, but could be inspiration for a future murderer. The incest darkfic of some random person online doesn’t immediately encourage having sex with your family, but could be interpreted as “im not horrible for that” by actual people who do want to have sex with their family. Thats why its called an interpretation. The only things i find reasonable to do in this case are: not engaging, blocking people (it does not make you a coward you just don’t want thing you consider trash in your house), blocking tags and probably some more i cant think of right now

Conclusion:

Comships based on the earlier given definition are in my opinion bad and i do not agree with them, but i don’t think people who ship them deserve to die either.

Inclusion of dark content isn’t bad if done correctly, and you should just avoid it if you dont like it.

A lot of people have a horrible approach to things and i dont want to be associated with them.

I do not consider posting vent content a safe thing to do, but also not something you should verbally abuse people over.

The pro vs anti discussion about ships is unorganized, toxic and sometimes even just another excuse to be absolutely horrible, and i advice to just stay out of it

#proship vs anti #important things #this is hopefully the only time I’ll talk about it #it was just really bugging me so i wanted it out there

[slowjamastan]

My favorite color is green. I play violin, though not very well. I love dogs, and volunteer at an animal shelter. I'm into sci fi and my favorite author is Ursula K. LeGuin.  I also like Batman comics.

And I also happen to be a FTM transgender man.  What you folks would call a TIF.

Ever since I was 10, before i even knew why, I hated my body. For years of my life, I had daydreams of taking a kitchen knife to my chest and cutting off the breasts. I tried to kill myself twice.

That changed 3 years ago.  I realized I was trans and bought myself a binder.

When it's on, I feel relief. I dont think of the kitchen knife. I'm not too depressed to get out of bed.

But after 8 hours, I have to take it off.

I plan on getting top surgery so this relief can stay.

I should note- this isn't about sexism or anything of the sort. Both my parents were outspoken feminists, and I've been fortunate enough to always live in progressive areas.

This is about people. And if transitioning can keep people like me from killing themselves? I'm all for it.

you seem to be engaging in good faith, so im gonna take you serious and not just be a dick. but man, this is my blog where i have fun and post memes. i hate doing this and am annoyed u sent this at all. theres so many radfem blogs that love discourse and im sooo lukewarm, im radfem-adjacent at best. im a fandom blogger at heart bro. who tf are you lol

first of all i do not care about your life story. youre like "please please see me as a person, we kweer transes are real people, i hope you can understand that even though youre a horrible evil t*rf. im reaching out to u because i believe theres still good in ur heart uwu" you people r annoyinggg

its not like i lack empathy, i was dysphoric and suicidal for a whole decade of my life and mostly surrounded myself with people who felt the same. what changed for me is realizing that my internal feelings about the gender-flavor of my soul didnt mean a goddamn thing and werent worth dwelling on. im a person and my body is female. at first i still wanted to change myself. i switched to id-ing as transmed, i was ready to acknowledge that i was born a girl at least but i knew so strongly that i wanted to pass as male and that it would make me more comfortable in my body. i was completely sure i was a man.

now ofc body dysmorphia is different for everyone but i really think no matter how fucked up your brain gets about how you naturally look, changing your body with medical intervention isnt the best answer. theres so many side effects and complications with each transition step. taking T in a female body can really fuck you up medically. keep yourself informed about what youre doing and think about if theres less expensive and drastic ways to go about fixing what makes you uncomfortable about the way you're perceived. and not to be insensitive, but if you have a history of s*xual assault, that can also be a very real reason for disconnect from your secondary sexual characteristics and ive met enough people that struggle with that sort of ptsd that manifests as wanting to trans their gender that i would rly think about where the desire to become male comes from. it could be a lot of things, and it can feel so real and valid dont get me wrong—but could fade away with time and/or therapy, leaving you reverse-dysphoric about your changed body

committing to being a transsexual while young is a tricky thing. i trust youve already thought it through but goddamn i promise you everything in life changes so much all the time. maybe this wont for you! but it might!!! it did for me and thats terrifying!!!!! identifying as trans is very much the current "its not a phase mom!" thing that teenagers do and you cant convince me otherwise btw. this isnt to say genuine trans people arent real and dont exist. and medically transitioned people definitely do, bc its exploded in popularity. but most of yall are a joke to anyone with a brain sorry lol most people are humoring you guys but would never admit it. this is a fate i wouldnt wish on anyone. being trans is cringe. or it will be soon, trust me

tldr i desisted from being trans myself after a full decade of self-id, various pronouns, etc. so i know where youre coming from. then when i started anxiety medication it helped boost me out of that spiral, which if u havent gotten medicated for other underlying issues i suggest you look into before jumping into hormones/surgery. ive heard that ocd can make u obsess about breasts and want them gone and stuff like that. body dysmorphia in any flavor is a bitch! im wishing you the best anon

also, read some self help literature instead of just fiction. i recommend 7 habits of highly effective people by steven covey. i read this for college and it fr made me a more functional person when i was still FtM and deeply depressed

edit: for the record im not gender conforming to femininity now. i see that misconception a lot, and forget that most ppl dont know what radfem types actually believe. i dress however i want, i just am not delusional about how i want people to address me. im just a lesbian 🫶

#mail #post #this is a little incoherent but im trying to be honest with u brotha ok ur a man u can take it #t

[teddybeirin]

Honey, I know you're scared but you're lucky you have people outside the abusive circle who love you. I had nobody. Maybe you need to take a leap of faith and ask them for help, truly. You can't keep living like this. Just now it's a kind of awful stop gap but don't let it become permanent. I know you have to be careful rn but this is no way to be living. I know you want to protect those who love you because you love them but something has to give. You're going to have keep your wits about you and figure out your next move, but I know this is easier said than done. But please don't give up. Your mom is a monster. Don't let her win. That's why she's doing this because by leaving you managed to gain the upper hand and as bullies don't like this, she's upping the ante. She is a sick fuck and a coward. If you have somebody or people who may be prepared to help you, who are aware of the situation and possible danger presented by your mom, who are prepared to get you out of there PROPERLY and on your feet and give you that time to get cleaning job or whatever - you seem very hardworking etc - then take your chance, sweetheart.

I'm sorry for the long letter but I had no help and it nearly killed me. But I got out by skin of my teeth because I knew I was doomed anyways if I stayed. But you have your safety and others safety to consider I know. I just hope and will you to get out for good, to not give up.

i am lucky, this is true the people who love me have changed my life for the better in ways i cant even put into words. i can say honestly that enduring this long has been worth it just for the warmth from my loved ones, who feel so much more like family than blood-family there are limits to what you can do for someone when you live oceans away. there are limits to what you can do, when you are struggling yourself. there are limits to what you can do with regards to money, energy, time, level of risk taken on. if my loved ones could have scooped me up out of here a la prince on a white horse im completely certain they would have done so already i cant go back to the place i lived before even knowing the favorable circumstance w/ regards to that. my mother was completely confident about coming to take me back, she knows the address, itd be a repeat of the same - probably not even waiting for an excuse if im very unlucky. i can't afford to take a leap of faith the worst that can happen is not that someone would say no - it's that someone would decide for me that the way to go is to involve the authorities, which isnt safe for me so long as i am here with nowhere else i can go, at a moment's notice or otherwise. it is hours to the nearest shelter. even if i were out of here, even if i decide i dont give a goddamn if they get into trouble for their own evil choices, i cant afford to take anyone to court, and even if everyone believed me and i didnt end up as yet another villainized abuse victim, it still wouldnt make me any more secure in having a place to live, and it isnt a means to gaining housing. not only that, there's more to take into account: what happens when my mother who is pretending to be not evil is no longer constantly watching what the workers who care for my sibling do to someone who the authorities will never believe? if that doesnt make sense for being too vague, i can say what i mean more clearly by tying it to something else: opportunistic predatory adults outside my home took advantage of me every time i let it slip that nobody gave a shit what happens to me. it's important to maintain the illusion of having people who care about what happens to you if you dont want people to take advantage of the easiest target in clear view. unless i can personally be someone who they know to fear consequences from, breathing down their necks, there will be consequences for unraveling my mother's webs of lies. they already don't treat my sibling as they should. it's not only my own safety i risk with every mistake. even if i decide to say fuck it, seek the help of others even though i know wherever i go if my family finds me they will do their best to do more harm, including to people who help me, it's not just the weight of guilt for that - but for my siblings, only one of which has escaped completely and isnt in any danger from family anymore, the other is totally and completely still at their mercy despite physically not living in the same house anymore, and nobody counts his words for anything because he's intellectually disabled - even when the authorities get involved, which they have been too many times for me to even count anymore, nobody believes him or me or maybe they just didnt care, either way, the outcome is the same.

even if i tossed all that aside and shirked my sense of morality that i know is all tied up in misplaced blame and living under the gaslight since birth, i dont have room for mistakes for my own sake either. im already physically so fucked up from just under a month of not even the worst theyve done, if it escalates further, i dont know. ive managed to just walk off tons of blood loss before, but that was a miracle, and i was more well-fed then. there's nowhere for me to go if i fuck up and don't have another place to go lined up.

my work went up in flames, i have no income right now and have to figure that out running on less than empty, and i have the option of trying to raise funds for escape again but again, it's more than money constraints, i have to figure out so many things and none of these decisions are small

ive promised my loved ones repeatedly im not going to give up, and i dont feel like breaking it at all. im going to keep trying. but it's really, really, really not a matter of willpower. i have that in spades.

im glad that you got out and i hope that you remain safe for the rest of your life and never ever have to endure abuse again. i know that everything you say comes from the heart and from a good place, of wanting me to be well, and of rooting for someone whose struggle you see your own in - i dont want to discount that by talking about how impossible everything looks right now for me, at all!!

i wish i could come up with a better reply. i dont want to go "so true, will do!!" when i know all the reasons i cant do, you taking the time to encourage me is so meaningful to me that i want to be nothing but sincere.

[1d1195]

A PENNY?!?! Sam literally how?! AND FOR JEANS?! but you know what I would try to achieve that high again too lol But yay for shopping! Hope you got some lovely stuff bestie!

Dealing with teens all day for the entire work week is CRAZY so I dont blame you for having constant headaches lol oddly enough my brother is the one that suffers from headaches lol Oh hormones for sure cause the stomach to be wack which is so unfair! this period will NOT affect you on your break!! A period is never fun but hope youre taking care of yourself!

ME TOO!!! I do not fit in those flared/bell bottom jeans thats trendy now which is tragic solely because that's all i ever see in stores!?! Im also not even close to being considered tall or petite and those just make me look so off too bahah So skinny jeans for me have always been the option where although not the best option, they are the lesser evil of jeans lol

AWW that's so cute! Little Sam was such an icon for that!(you still are obvi) You should for sure should revisit the marry janes for the fall!!! I am waiting for that day too! Sam I don't think you know how much of a HATER i am of electric scooters, i am fighting a battle everyday trying not to get killed by them on campus 😭 But I love that coleege was walkable for you! It must have been nice getting to know the area well!

I had a feeling you played softball at least! Idk if my mind was just projecting the Made to be Universe/storyline but softball seemed like something you would have done/enjoyed! But omg you were like a full on athlete?! That's so cool! Not the injuries of course but the rest is!

I tense up so quickly because im very awkward about my feelings😭SAM THERE HAD TO BE MANY THAT FOUND YOU HOT! i kid you not being smart is SO attractive! Plus a cute girly who is GOOD at math in a typically guy dominated field!? The puns seem like a very you thing and i love that honestly! I think its so cute when people do that!

ALSO THAT POLL😭 bestie I cant choose😭I need them ALL! I spent a good minute thinking about my vote lol very excited though!

Have such a lovely start to your break Sam! love you!-💜

If there is a coupon I will find it lol. I can't tell you how many times I've signed up for American Eagle text messages and then unsubscribed just to get 15% off every time. I think I had a crazy reward and then the jeans were already on sale. I'm pretty sure they have to charge you something in order for the sale to go through so I think they HAD to charge me something.

I'm already enjoying my break actually despite my period. Thank God for Midol tbh I think I would die without it. My body is very clockwork so after cramps for a FUN 24 hours it's usually much more manageable. I HAVE to take meds though even if I don't feel crampy right away. The second my body realizes I'm on my period it's like "TIME FOR CRAMPS" and again, if I don't take the meds right away I get behind the pain and I am FUCKED for the remainder of the 24 hours.

I am trying to relax as much as possible because May and June are going to be crazy with senior prom/graduation and stuff. Plus I've outsourced myself as well for lots of other projects 🙃 I really need to learn to say no (time to reread Dolcezza) But I plan on finishing this book I'm reading (I haven't done very well reading lately, but I'm telling myself it's okay because it's not a race and I read a lot early on.) I do have to do some lesson planning but I actually enjoy that because I find math soothing like a psychopath hahahahaha

That's amazing you like skinny jeans. I feel so ostracized sometimes when it comes to my jeans choices. All my friends and coworkers have moved on with the trends and I'm still in 2013/2014/2015/2016 hahaha. VERY controversial: I actually really like jeans. I always by jegging jeans so they're super stretchy and comfy. Obviously if I can wear leggings I will hahahaha.

I'm crying about the electric scooter. You must be on a sizable campus to have electric scooters that's so funny. People drove their bikes/skateboards around campus a lot but no scooters. I loved the area my college was in (I actually live down the street from it in an apartment now because I love this area so much) it's very much the setting behind My Friend's Toyota hahaha

LOOK AT YOU MISS DETECTIVE HAHAHAHAHA I didn't even realize that about Made to Be that's so funny and true. I tried a bit of everything tbh. I did swimming (mostly so I wouldn't die growing up on the beach) and tennis lessons which I wasn't good at either but I really enjoyed anyway. I suck at ice skating (do you know how often you use your ankles for pretty much every sport? 🙃) and idk what it is about basketball but I may as well just sit in the middle of the court it would be less harmful to those around me.

OH BESTIE SAME HERE ABOUT FEELINGS. Everyone around me told me my bf liked me before we started dating and I was like "No he doesn't he thinks I'm gross" ☠ if they found me hot and attractive I kinda wish they told me! 😭 it's selfish but it would have done a nice boost to my ego. I was never the 'looked' at friend if you will. I called myself The DUFF™ all throughout middle and high school I really did a number on my self-esteem 😭 I am probably a little toxic when it comes to being a STEM girly lol because I tried so hard in high school and college to prove I was just as smart as the boys (sometimes more actually 😉)

For the poll it's just about the order which I think is kind of fun! I hope other people are enjoying it--I find it really helpful! I thought I did a lot of my more "obscure" stories on the last round of voting so I thought it would be nice to bring back some of the more popular series. I almost threw Protection on there too but thought it was too much (and too mean to make that decision) hahahaha

💕💕

xoxo

#💜

[blueempty]

I cant see shit when I take pictures facing the sun, its a miracle theyre often in focus

Had another late rise today. I hope I find the strength to wake up at 11am again soon. Today was good because I was not at jury duty. Thats all I can really ask for

I'm gonna start trying to learn one kanji a day on top of practicing my kana and numbers, and first one I picked is probably more complicated than I should have chosen, but I have a history with chinese characters so the complexity of the particular kanji isnt really a concern for me

Today I went with 願 (ねが ne ga), because I was going through my lessons again and like the first thing they teach you is introduce yourself! Say "onegaishimasu" and then I look up to read the kana and it says お願いします, and I'm like come on bro. So I learned that one. Maybe thats how I'll choose, I'll just go by whatever pops up next in my lessons lol. Its 19 strokes but I sat there and did it over and over for like 10 minutes and I think i got it. I actually like learning stroke order and stuff. I always preferred writing chinese over speaking it

I really need to get back to streaming, which i say all the time, but speedrunning and goofy challenge runs would be good for streams. Im trying to beat Onimusha without upgrading weapons or using healing items right now. The trick with that is if you kill enemies with an issen strike they always drop health souls, but issen are very hard to pull off. It forces you to really learn every enemies attack animations well, which is something I love doing

A big point of contention with me and my friends rn is they dont get how I can just sit and play Monster Hunter for multiple hours at a time. My brother has admitted many times now thay he is never paying attention when we play, he just auto pilots fights because he doesnt find enjoyment in fighting them once hes basically seen everything they can do. But like thats the fun, is learning how kill things faster and more efficiently. I can play for hours on end because its fun to react to something a monster did and cause it to fall out of the air mid jump because you knew your weapons hitboxes well enough to hit it backwards while it was above you. And then he points out thats the fun of fighting games and asks why i dont wanna play those anymore, and I'm like because I fucking hate other humans and the way their minds work lol. I want to abuse a poor helpless CPU player that cant even stand on two legs. The lizard men in Onimusha raise their little cleaver and I go haha idiot, and I instant kill their ass. Thats what sparks joy for me. Thats also why I've been playing games alone for two months I guess hehe

Anyways, thats not really me complaining exactly, I'm trying to be aware of my negativity you see, thats all to say that I love the slop Capcom puts in my trough. It's good slop. I'm also so fucking excited for Splatoon 3 Side Order (i guess) but more importantly HYDLIDE 3 COMES OUT TODAY YAHOOOO

Heres my kanji for today cuz the night sky hasnt been very photogenic around here. With and without guides

Live Long and Prosper

#skyposting #thoughtposting

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[punkscowardschampions]

Cali & Marly & Group Chat & Barly

Ali: [Private to Carly, probably the day after the Johnny kiss and leave drama because you’re needing the rest of the day to try and process that]

Ali: I’ve made [some kind of diet treat Carly’s mother would approve of, probably vaguely alcoholic, full hun behaviour, you know the drill] to say thank you to [said mother] I’ll drop them on my route, if that’s cool

Carly: its grand she’ll be 😁🥰🤗 but you know u didnt need to worry yourself saying nothing 💛👼🌟🧚‍♀️✨🐝🌞💛🌻 she loves u its never no bother

Ali: ah this was no bother neither, besides, it was properly short notice yesterday and I wasn’t feeling the 🌞

Carly: 🥺☔️😢🌈

Carly: Im here if you wanna talk about the 🌞💛 going

Ali: I should’ve prepared for it, I thought I had

Ali: he was okay, better than that, even but it still was hard to see, you know?

Carly: I dont reckon theres no preparing for some things baby, much as I hate it for u

Ali: I reckon you’re right 🐇

Ali: and maybe I’m just being judgmental, sure, is he any more out his head than we get when we want or need?

Ali: Just looks different in a hospital

Carly: I shouldve put aside the fear theyd lock me up & come w you, I’m sorry

Carly: Im being a bad friend of late like

Ali: You never are, there’s been lots going on in your 🌍 too

Carly: nothing that matters like you reconnecting w your brother its massive & 🌍🌱

Ali: It should be

Ali: and it is, one of those things you thought would feel bigger and 💗 though, I think

Ali: I’m going to go see him regularly now so

Carly: ah sure it was only the 1st visit though you’ve to give it time for your magic to work is what mine’s saying 💙🔮💜

Ali: I’ll be ready next time, you’re right 🎯

Carly: & I’m serious about coming if youve need of it, phobia or no, ILY more than I could ever be scared

Ali: You’ll make me cry, in my fragile state

Ali: I wish your mum liked better baked goods so you could enjoy them more too now 🥺🥺

Carly: I cant be risking myself going to shit for 🍩🥧🍪🧁 physical state of me is as fragile as your emotional 😅

Ali: You’re perfect, I hope Moses is reminding you

Carly: you’ll make me 😳🍨

Carly: only u cos u know hes not saying things to me like how you are

Ali: but he makes you feel it, or as close to it as any of us do

Carly: he makes me feel alive

Carly: maybe cos hes after killing me most the time ❤️💜💙 idk but still 

Ali: We like alive

Ali: 💀💀💀 only in the good ways

Carly: hes pure class @ them ways, give the lad that

Ali: And he’s still looking after you, how we said, yeah?

Carly: ive not been 🔥💀👻 yet

Ali: Did you tell your ma what was said, what did she reckon about it all?

Carly: sure look we all reckon bb’s full of it 👶😭 she says he’ll calm if go for him next 💚

Ali: I don’t wanna 🌍☄️ but I had heard talking that it might be a bit more serious than that, could be

Carly: nobody grown’s talking, never are or [her mum] would be 🔥💀👻 donkey’s back for her carry on 😅

Carly: its yer man there cos I’ll not tell him hes a ride & I love him

Ali: What if it is about her carry on too, like it’s all being counted now

Carly: my da’s to be counted for us not having been moved on, his 👻 & her craic for what a decent non gorja fella he were 🙃 its k

Ali: Do the elders buy it, like 🌹✨

Carly: ah no but long as he no shows to claim hes true some fella working down the kebab or the like, what are they to say?

Carly: if she don’t have the knowing herself who he is they cant tell her who he isnt

Ali: You’ve a point 🤞

Carly: he could be a traveller sure as not 🌹✨ I like to think its so

Ali: He’s left it sos he could be anyone to you

Carly: if only for the wind up of em lads I deserve it

Ali: Serious

Carly: will we talk about yours?

Ali: My daddy?

Ali: I’m not sure I like where that’s going 😆

Carly: you’re gas but u know well I mean your boy there who was after taking you for joe til he wasnt 

Ali: I don’t know what to say about it, or him

Carly: you could start yourself on whats the meaning of the one way cos you didnt walk to [the name of the place where the psych ward is]

Ali: We got that far, like

Ali: can’t make much chit-chat on a bike going [whatever ‘cos undoubtedly you’re speeding, not meant to be on it anyhow at your age]

Carly: & he got himself 😤😠 over what when yous came off for being there?

Ali: God, nothing more tragic than recounting your failed attempts at flirting, is there? 😶💀

Ali: That was before, then we left it, he said he’d still take us but he shouldn’t of

Carly: I’m sorry he dont know you’re perfect or how 🐇🍀🌠 hes youve an eye for him out of everyone u could have your pick of

Ali: I know it’s stupid, how much he hates us but he doesn’t stick to it, my head is still spinning

Carly: hes ✂️ from same cloth as mosey to be sure, my god that boy hates me til he dont I feel 😵‍💫 its work making him like me at all

Ali: at least you’ve found a way, I feel clueless now 

Carly: your body isnt gonna be the thing for johno, well it is but he wont say thats as true as it is for any lad, he’ll act hes 😤😠 if you send him pics or throw yourself his way 

Ali: He threw his self at me 

Ali: then he was really 😤😠

Carly: oh now theres sense

Ali: Shall we just run away and never think about them again?

Carly: away w ye for 💭 youll let him win

Carly: hows he to get what he wants & not you? I reckon not, baby, we’ll be staying 🌼🌻

Ali: 😣

Ali: Ack, it was so good

Carly: I know, I felt your 😣 before u put it there

Ali: He’s after being good, doing what he needs to do

Carly: ah, it’s a con, hes allowed to fuck gorja girls morning to night, theyre all allowed to do as they please from cradle to grave its only the girls who cant

Ali: Then he’s just not after me 😒🤕

Carly: its that hes after stopping the others being w me & he cant if hes on you

Carly: its my fault im sorry 

Ali: He shouldn’t be so concerned with telling them their business, that’s him, not you

Carly: hes always reckoned im a manky wagon idk, that’s on [her mum] maybe, but she’d be sorry for it to u too if she had the knowing

Ali: Please don’t, this has got to stay between us only 🔒

Carly: 😶🤞💛 id never say a word to hurt u or stand against something youre after

Carly: id rid myself of my 👅 1st & ive much need of it

Ali: I can’t have that

Ali: ✂️ away, it’s all his loss, not ours

Carly: what are we to do then?

Ali: 💭☁️👻🦷🤍

Ali: Party

Carly: grand ive caught the 🌞 enough to look unreal in 🤍

Ali: I don’t mind looking ghostly and fading into the background

Carly: oh please you could never fade & yer man john boy isnt gonna have you reckoning its so

Ali: if he’s a 🐺 Ro is like, a husky

Carly: hes a 🐜 sorry

Ali: ☹️ ughhh

Carly: you can pick what moses is to 🌻😁🌞💛 yourself some idc

Ali: 🦟 is the only suitably rude comparative 

Carly: I love it 😅

Carly: he does make me ���🍓❤️ sure enough

Ali: Are we to be ashamed of our awful taste 👅 

Ali: I’m all scuffed and scraped and I just want to see him again so badly 

Carly: Shames for folk like your poor daddy who’ve no say being born to it & keeping it in em 💔🙏📿⛪️💔 you’re wild & free 🐅🧡

Carly: we’ll get him for u 💜🔮💙 he wants it as bad theres no for proper y not

Ali: I don’t know but being wild and free will help me get over it otherwise 🐅🧡

Ali: don’t need to force it 🧘‍♀️

Carly: ive known the boy forever I know what he likes its why he hates me this much

Ali: We’re the same, in his 👀🌍 

Carly: he wishes but he cant 👀 u like that cos we’re not & hes 😤😠😡

Ali: You’re great, he’s an idiot

Carly: hes not wrong for that 💭

Carly: I’m 🌚 to your 🌞

Ali: 🌇🌃

Ali: Can I stay when I swing by? I’m doing nothing here except over💭

Carly: u dont ever need to be asking

Ali: Usually but I’m 😣😖 rn

Carly: its k ill 💭 how to calm you down

Ali: 🍃💚

Carly: on your 🚲 w ye 🧚🏼‍♀️💚

Ali: 💨💨

Carly: [just putting a note here that we’re doing a timeskip so it’s some time before Ronan’s bday not immediately after the convo we just did or when we read it back in the future we’ll be like ?? what]

Carly: u @ work still?

Moses: thereabouts

Carly: 🥺 til when?

Moses: Don’t know, not like wes work to a schedule or to anyone’s pockets but our own

Carly: yea k true

Moses: then we’re going out, it’s [some club night, idk]

Carly: wes being only the lads is it?

Moses: Not the elders, like

Moses: except for [the cringe uncle, we all know the vibes]

Moses: You wouldn’t get in anyway

Carly: i’m not after the - craic from [cringe uncle] you’re grand 😅

Moses: That I am 👍

Carly: later then like 

Moses: Don’t wait up

Carly: tell your mammy that one there

Moses: I don’t still live with mine

Carly: mine would get us in

Moses: I’m after her craic just as much

Carly: i got you, boy unless weve 💪🍆 youre not after us coming

Moses: No one is after taking lasses to the club, just taking ‘em home

Carly: how I said ⬆️ ive worked out what the craic is

Moses: Your mam ain’t it

Carly: she’ll be 💔🥺💔😢💔😭💔 youre her fave 

Moses: Like you, she don’t have them

Carly: ah sure u know youre mine too

Moses: Give over

Carly: why are u giving out about it? u like it

Moses: That’s not what we are, let’s not play that game

Carly: idk why u want what we are is to be us not liking each other

Moses: we like each other for what we need to

Carly: yea & youre giving me what I need so youre my fave

Moses: When I’ve got nothing or no one better on, ‘course

Carly: k no its your turn to give over cos i drop what I’ve on for you all the time

Moses: yeah and you wanna, not asking you more than once

Carly: yea I wanna cos I like you y are u 😤😠 @ me for it today?

Moses: I’m busy

Carly: sorry ill 👋💙 til youre less 🌺🐝🍯

Moses: [just don’t respond rudely]

Carly: [he’s a charmer, go have your own fun girl either with Ali or with Drew and Caleb or all of the above, you’ll be posting about it making him mad but not to make him mad, not even for his benefit really cos we’re trying to be chill about this and keep busy too]

Moses: [when you always do the wrong thing, god bless girl, love that for you]

Carly: [hope you’re FUMING sir, couldn’t be more deserved]

Moses: [setting up the lovely atmosphere for this party nicely mwahaha]

Carly: [poor Ronan, between Moses and Johnny that’s half these lads that don’t wanna be at his bday]

Moses: [I imagine this is standard, someone’s always got beef with someone, you just don’t know why until Moses just tells you he’s bored of Carly and throws her at you]

Carly: [clearly these boys are always kicking off at each other about something the way these type will]

Moses: [mhmm, god bless the mess, constant source of drama]

Moses: [anyway, hi groupchat at Ronan’s party, here we go]

Moses: Birthday boy, where are you 🎁

Ronan: [Wherever he is], me and Ali… 

Ronan: should I be legging it from this 🎁 of yours?

Moses: Best get rid of her, you’ll like it but you won’t want the audience 

Ronan: Do I even like the sound of it? 

Moses: Come on, you can’t be a baby about it now, big man

Ronan: Ah, what’s going on, to be sure I don’t know what you’re giving a lash here

Moses: Presents are meant to be surprises, play the game

Ronan: Yeah, true enough, I’ll play

Moses: Go on over to my trailer, everyone’s been booted ‘cept 1

Ronan: [when he is just gonna go because bless this boy he’s a bit slow on the uptake here]

Moses: [me like God I hope you went alone]

Ronan: [I feel like he would’ve because he was told to, oh boy I’m so soz that this is occurring, like you could say no, Carly isn’t gonna force you THAT hard but still]

Moses: [you know if you walked out immediately that he’d know/Lord knows who else would know you hadn’t done it and this is peer pressure as we can all see here]

Moses: You’re welcome, brother

Ronan: [also he wouldn’t wanna reject Carly like that cos they are friends and she was his first kiss when they were younger as Carly said so walking out immediately like ew no would be brutal, and yeah, the peer pressure and pisstaking would feel worse and last longer than just getting this over with from his POV]

Ronan: Thanks a million, Mosey boy

Carly: no need to say it to me too & make yourself 😳

Moses: As you can see, you’ve done us a massive favour too 👌👌

Carly: wow 😍🥰😘

Carly: thanks I get from u there boy

Moses: You got yours 

Carly: yea, your brother is glad of my massive favours idk how hes been raised better than you 😅

Moses: Give him chance to go get something better, he’s had five minutes 🍒

Ronan: Come on, give over will yous 

Carly: im sorry ro, mosey has no party spirit idk where hes left it like

Moses: Don’t be speaking for me

Moses: You enjoy your party, kid

Carly: ❤️😶💙 then you can stop being after falling out w me both of yous

Ronan: I’m not, Carls

Moses: There you go

Carly: there I go, yea 🥳🎀🎊✨🎉🎆🎇

Moses: s’good thing you’re not kept around for your brain

Carly: whats the damage w yours?

Moses: How off her face was you mam whilst you were inside her, it’s genuinely not possible to be this thick and not a little special with it, Christ

Carly: go & ask her as youre on one to ruin the party so bad

Moses: I’d sooner pluck my eyes out than talk to that woman

Carly: 🙄 & you tell me I lay it on thick

Moses: If anyone at this party liked either of yous, they’d send you both home

Ronan: Quit this carry on, can’t yous both? As a favour to me

Carly: do you want me away home, ro? 

Ronan: You’re grand where you are, but what’s the need to be giving it out & slagging each other, eh?

Carly: I’m sorry for proper, its your bday & this is - craic

Moses: Because she is one, and that’s the only reason she’s ever been tolerated anywhere

Moses: I’m not here to play pretend but you use her ‘til it’s boring, that was the 🎁

Bartley: [Private to Carly after this group chat of delight]

Bartley: Did you go home?

Carly: go on & tell me yourself too I was waiting for it

Bartley: was just going to tell you I saw them driving off in [one of the older lad]’s van

Bartley: so, you don’t have to, if you don’t want

Carly: whats to stay for ive been opened thats all any of yous want

Bartley: Not everyone, don’t be such a bighead about it, like

Carly: johno dont count & its everyone but that lad

Bartley: not everyone was in that group chat and not everyone wants to ride you

Carly: k there I am told again

Bartley: God, I’m just trying to help

Carly: why

Bartley: That was pretty embarrassing

Carly: you know ive no shame, I’ll be grand

Bartley: It’s not optional, you always say it like it is

Carly: wasnt optional for a girl like me to have none, what they say

Bartley: my point exactly

Bartley: Anyway, Ronan did say you could stay, even if he didn’t stand up for you

Carly: yea, what I’ve no got in shame I make up for in other shit

Bartley: I don’t want to hear about it

Carly: sure, you didn’t open your mouth neither

Bartley: and say what?

Bartley: You did do it, he’s the one you did it with, it should be him if it’s anyone

Carly: sure look idk youre here saying u wanna help me now when it dont matter

Bartley: I was just telling you you didn’t have to go hide and cry

Carly: you would say that

Bartley: what are you on about?

Carly: your go next, we can do it rn if you want

Bartley: I told you not everyone wants you, shut up

Bartley: sure, isn’t Ro your boyfriend now

Carly: come on, none of yous can be my bf even if he was after it being like that & hes not

Bartley: That doesn’t mean you have to act out like that

Carly: everyones forgot w how theyre acting but its a party 🥳🎀🎊✨🎉🎆🎇

Bartley: and you’re not a gift

Carly: youre not opening me, youve said

Bartley: Why would you let them do that

Carly: its his bday

Carly: ali not dont mean he should stay 🍒 if he dont want

Bartley: so you just, be what he says you are, that’s your grand scheme to get out of feeling a giant eejit over it all

Carly: I’m not sorry unless ro wants me to be & says it

Carly: i was his first kiss why shouldnt i be his first for this too

Bartley: ‘cos you didn’t want him to be your first, he’s not as stupid as he looks

Carly: nor am I but ali dont want him to be hers

Carly: he couldve waited it werent like I held him down, how am I to when hes least twice the size of me?

Carly: but no, wes friends so he did it, best me over some random girl moses decides instead

Bartley: How, how’s it better it’s you?

Bartley: It’s been how long and you’re already moving on, trying to, why would anyone want it to be you when you’re like that

Carly: he trusts me, no need for you to bother yourself with doing

Carly: that lad knows I’ll never say nothing about what we did or didnt do, he can say what he likes & be the big man for it or whoever else he’s after people reckoning he is

Bartley: ‘Cept it weren’t your decision, Moses told you to do it and then told everyone the exact time and location it happened so

Bartley: already proved not true but why would you take any responsibility for that when you can just blame him

Carly: I wouldntve done it only on his say

Carly: I did it cos I like ro how I told you before I like all of yous

Bartley: You act stupid so blame can go the same way as shame

Carly: blame for what? whatve I done so wrong

Bartley: Just let Moses treat Ro like a little bitch, for tonight

Bartley: it is meant to be a party, haven’t got the rest to write you a list

Carly: I cant get between ro & mosey, none of yous

Carly: idk what would happen to me but itd be no party

Bartley: Aren’t you though?

Carly: how

Bartley: Come on

Bartley: you’ve literally got under them both, how’d you work out that’s a safe and good idea then?

Carly: Moses is done w me & now I’m not safe

Carly: the good ideas to give ro what he wants for his bday hes a decent lad

Bartley: He was never gonna keep you safe

Carly: he said he would, travellers keep to their word, no?

Bartley: sure and what reason would he have to lie

Bartley: A ‘nice’ stereotype is still just that, like sure all black lads LOVE how you’re obsessed with what’s going on in their pants

Carly: sure I know one who does but hey

Carly: you rub your salt in boy idc it already hurts

Bartley: I’m just being honest

Carly: & I was being stupid, no need to worry yourself with the telling of me

Bartley: Someone should

Carly: everyone is, its enough to knock a girl 🤢🤮

Bartley: but not enough to make a girl listen, like

Carly: I can hear you loud & clear

Bartley: hearing ain’t always hearing though

Carly: I’m sorry I’m not a good traveller girl how you & johno wish

Carly: or a gorja girl who’ll go away

Bartley: trust me, no one wants you to be one of us

Bartley: least of all him

Bartley: Just don’t be a bad person, not much to ask of anyone, surely

Carly: I didnt know I was a bad person until yous all started saying

Bartley: I never said you was the only one I know

Carly: least however alone I feel tonight im sure in good company there now

Bartley: Come on now

Bartley: sites full

Carly: but I wasnt supposed to join em even if I couldnt for proper beat em, not for the crime of liking people

Bartley: Have you ever had a friend? You know this isn’t what you do with them, yeah

Carly: theres no sense in that youre to have fun w your friends, make them 😁

Carly: give em gifts on their bday

Bartley: Friends do not fuck

Carly: fwb has it there 1st letter

Bartley: This isn’t America, or a romcom

Carly: k he isnt my friend, you 😁?

Bartley: He is though

Carly: yea

Carly: what am I to say? I was trying to help him

Bartley: right…

Carly: you think I’m full of it, I know, like

Bartley: He wasn’t about to die

Carly: it didnt feel life or death before moses started his gobbing off, it was just a fuck

Carly: havent you done it?

Bartley: I don’t put my business about like that for a reason

Carly: I’m not gonna shout it about to nobody, no friends to if you dont believe us for no other reason

Bartley: Why would I tell you, or anyone?

Bartley: it’s meant to be private, my point

Carly: I’d keep it private, mine 😶💚

Carly: but I’m only asking to ask if you loved every girl you did it with

Bartley: Why, you think that’s impossible?

Carly: no but you’d be the 1st Ive met

Carly: Id have to get you a present, something proper good not me offered up again

Bartley: not going to convince me but a good attempt there

Carly: if you dont want it i dont, I said, I’m not forcing nobody

Bartley: Okay, okay

Bartley: I didn’t accuse you of nothing proper

Carly: still loads of time, have your fun bb

Bartley: Quit your crying yet?

Carly: my business & youd hate me to put it about

Bartley: Ha ha, funny girl

Carly: 🤡

Bartley: You don’t look that shocking

Carly: u cant see how I look 👀🩸❤️

Bartley: true enough

Bartley: Hope you can wash your face wherever you’re hiding

Carly: idc everyone knows I’m 👿💔

Bartley: Oh right

Bartley: sympathy drinks

Carly: I might or I might b off home when I can see

Bartley: not got far to go

Bartley: nor no motor to be driving into anything

Carly: 🌳🚗 s’bit much unless ronan hates me as much himself

Bartley: Of course he doesn’t, calm down

Carly: then I’ll live to be whoring another day

Bartley: Least whores get paid, think on

Carly: i get paid in 😍🥰😘 catch yourself on

Bartley: is it now?

Carly: can’t tell you its private

Bartley: Group chat will have to find something else to be about

Carly: yea, if youve ideas 👂💚

Bartley: Someone’ll do something worse before night is over, no worries

Carly: id feel bad 🙏 

Carly: for loads of reasons, before you get in there to say it about us 1st

Bartley: I was 😶

Bartley: Your guilty conscience, obviously

Carly: 😶 myself on the state of any part of me

Bartley: What’ve you done?

Carly: I’m grand

Bartley: Definitely not

Carly: grand enough for home

Bartley: Are you going to make your ma go with?

Carly: k not that grand, sorry

Bartley: Fine, your pal then, where’s she?

Carly: idk

Bartley: I can find herr

Carly: ro probably has again let em be

Bartley: He should be looking for you

Carly: how you 👀🌎💭 is cute, boy

Bartley: Whatever, I’ll tell him you’re crying and he’ll feel bad

Carly: ah dont you be doing it, hes not to feel bad

Bartley: Why not?

Carly: he isnt in the wrong

Bartley: I’ve already told you that’s you

Bartley: but idk why I bother

Carly: yea then y would you be after making him feel bad

Bartley: I’m not but he’d come find you if he did, idiot

Carly: idc i dont want him to like

Bartley: you was after letting him inside you and now you can’t talk to him?

Carly: & say what?

Bartley: Assumedly he’s going to have some shit to say, if you’re in the state you said you were

Carly: he can when Im in less of one if hes bothered

Carly: its not what tonight is about

Bartley: fucking suit yourself then

Carly: quit having sense, I’m not used to it from you 😵‍💫

Bartley: Ha

Bartley: so who’s gonna believe you

Carly: nobody never

Bartley: Charming

Carly: sorry, I meant cos of it coming from me

Bartley: Ah, well, ‘course

Carly: 😶💚

Bartley: That’d be the day, like

Carly: u talked to me im never starting it

Bartley: so

Bartley: I just wanted to take the piss, who wouldn’t after that group chat

Carly: k 💚

Bartley: Shut it

Carly: more like it

Bartley: You take everything too far

Carly: where else am I to take it for a party? 

Bartley: It’s Ronan’s 12th, it’s not [a more dramatic and special event, idk but you know the vibe lol]

Carly: summers almost over

Bartley: and you’re back to school, little girl

Carly: sure, you’re no older than us 👶

Bartley: Old enough not to bother with that, and I am, a bit

Carly: old enough not to make the most 🌞🌚 has u acting up like youre some old fella down the pub 🍻😅

Bartley: just ‘cos you’re upset Mosey would rather be there than with you

Carly: more if u dont have the knowing life’s magic

Bartley: It ain’t, yours especially isn’t

Carly: 👴🍺🚬

Bartley: You think you’re amazing

Bartley: any of them have 10x the sense you have

Carly: sure look, I know what you think

Bartley: You reckon

Carly: u tell us your opinion of me every time we talk

Bartley: I ain’t allowed to have one, is it?

Carly: just idk why youve to keep on @ me w it

Bartley: stop being so dumb and I won’t have to, girl

Carly: stop troubling yourself about me

Bartley: I don’t

Bartley: not all of us think acting like we don’t care about anything will make us cool and everyone will want us around

Carly: care about things, but u know I’m not worth being one

Bartley: yep

Carly: k well later 💚

Ali: [Private at Carly]

Ali: Where is he

Carly: ro? idk I 💭 he was w you

Ali: No, Moses, I’ve been looking all over

Carly: off in [that lad’s]s van

Carly: he had his fun @ this party

Ali: Fucking pussy

Ali: Jesus

Ali: how are you, I’m sorry, that’s what I should have been asking first

Carly: he’ll be after staying out of johno’s way when he hears

Carly: ah sure ive had my fun too im home 

Ali: He must not have his phone on him, I only just found mine and it’s near 💀 as per

Ali: Do you want to be alone? 

Carly: charge your phone if you want but the bday boy shouldnt be

Ali: He’s not, despite his absolute cunt of a brother bailing, there’s still loads of people here

Carly: youre his fave though you cant be taking yourself off too

Ali: You’re important too, and no I’m not, he likes you too

Ali: are you okay?

Carly: ive only now quit my 😢😭 youll have us going again if youre nice to me

Ali: That’s why I was going to deal with him instead but he’s run away

Ali: I can’t be mean to you

Carly: leave it to johno I cant let you get hurt cos of me & moses

Carly: youre too important yourself

Ali: I won’t get hurt, don’t worry

Carly: no I am, I know what hes like

Ali: Okay, I won’t go find him

Ali: but he’s an absolute disgrace

Carly: you’re not to go near him, promise

Ali: I promise, entirely for your sake, not mine and definitely not his

Carly: I can’t 💭 about it rn i’ll 🤢🤮 again too

Ali: No, don’t, it’s not worth it

Ali: nothing is going to be made sense of now

Carly: ive no sense

Ali: It was just cruel

Carly: I knew it was coming him being done w me idk why I listened to him about this

Carly: to my way of thinking it was a decent 🎁 for the boy before they all got in my head for it

Ali: Do you want me to check on Ro

Ali: without him knowing I am, obviously

Carly: yea maybe idk

Carly: I didnt force him but moses & the to be a big man of it all was to get in his head too

Ali: Who would do that to their brother, it’s so wrong

Carly: he only cares for himself

Carly: but Im almost as bad

Ali: Come now

Ali: no you’re not, you didn’t force him, of course you didn’t

Ali: Moses manipulated you into thinking it was a good idea though

Carly: we said he werent ready to do it, I knew that & i went for it still

Ali: but was he?

Carly: he did but I take everything too far hows he to tell me no

Ali: I’m gonna talk to him, okay

Ali: and I bet he’ll say it was alright

Carly: he would say that hes not after hurting me

Ali: I can get to the truth though

Carly: its your magic

Ali: It will be okay

Ali: I’ll talk to him and I’ll make sure it is

Ali: and I’ll make sure Johnny beats him up super hard for everyone, yeah

Carly: theyll kill each other

Carly: & ill have to lay myself proper low

Ali: it’s clear whose idea it was, neither of them can act the fool on that

Ali: Moses was too drunk or too thick to think that one through when he was running his mouth

Carly: too proud of himself

Carly: but Johno already hated me before this idk whats to happen

Ali: Just stay home

Ali: I’m going to find one of them, eventually

Carly: k 💛

Ali: Trust me?

Carly: yea

Carly: if friends dont fuck youre my only one

Ali: who said that one?

Carly: 1 guess

Carly: who always needs his say about me 

Ali: Oh Bart…

Ali: he knows it’s less than nothing to do with him

Carly: he was almost nice to me though 😵‍💫

Ali: He only pretends nasty sometimes, usually he just misses the mark with the joke though

Ali: I’m glad someone is being nice

Carly: he might find you, I said no but he dont listen the best to nobody & not to me ever, sorry

Ali: he can help me look

Ali: he’s not being avoided as hard as I am

Carly: what a party, like

Ali: Boys, right 🙄

Carly: 👶😭

Ali: I’ll come see you later, check in

Carly: if you see [her mum] avoid bringing her with, I can’t tonight

Ali: 👻 promise

Carly: 💛👼💙

[miikewazowski]

i HOPE you see this.

disclaimer: this post is filled with all the hate i could possibly emit. it is everything i want to say to him, so please excuse my french. it is the punch to his nuts that i should have given him then. it is the mental pain i wish i could have reciprocated in the moment. 

other disclaimer: i am not a violent person. i do not condone violence. this post is simply my demons having a little freedom for a moment. they are running amuck in my head. i need them out. i never abused anyone, i was always the one BEING abused.

you fucking suck. you are probably the worst human i have ever met. youre fucking crazy. you should be a mental patient. and if you need proof of that, i have it sweetie. i will have it until the day i die. in case your dumbass tries some shit in the future. “wHy ArE yOu ReCoRdInG” fucking dumbass. i have all your little meltdowns on tape. you yelling at me, you scaring my DOG. you PUNCHING YOUR OWN DOG, you telling lies, you pulling out the GUN, should i keep going? you cant be trusted. and we ALL know you have your fucking family wrapped around your little finger. you treat them like SHIT and they still care about you. they still think theres something there worth saving. first hand i can tell you, you are a shell of a human. YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP YOU ARE AND YET YOU STILL REFUSE TO BE HELPED. so fucking be it bro. what really pisses me off is you just fucking got away with ALL OF IT. i called the cops on you TWICE and both times you stopped me. i WISH one of them went through. i was on the phone with the girl while you were screaming. hoping you wouldnt see me on the phone. i couldnt put it up to my ear. do you know HOW BADLY i wanted her to trace the call. i was BEGGING for the universe to save me from your insane ass. you are a piece of shit. karma is on its way to you. i manifest it every day. i hope your life is awful. i hope nothing ever goes your way. i hope you rot in hell, oh how i wish hell was real. people like you deserve to live there. burning. in constant agony. YOU NEED TO ATONE FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME. YOU NEED TO BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR ACTIONS. YOU NEED TO OWN UP TO THEM. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN SILENCE. THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW YOUR FACE, YOUR NAME, YOUR ENTIRE BEING.

YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

YOU PUT ME IN DANGER WITHOUT ANY REGARD.

YOU SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE.

takes u to court for emotional turmoil

bitch i would sue you for everything you OWN

i should have taken bucket. youre going to kill that dog one day. for fucks sake you punched him full force in the head because he tried to lick your popsicle. then threw him across the room like a football. i should have called the animal police bro. you cant even take care of yourself, why are you being trusted with a helpless dog? i dont give a fuck about you. let me make that clear. you dont deserve anything in this world as far as im concerned. but that dog, that dog needs to be saved.

you are LUCKY that you still have your family, unfortunately for them. but they are all you will ever have. you are a gaslighter. and i hope to fucking GOD that you dont entrap ANYONE else. live alone, die alone. 

that being said, you pussy ass bitch, if you MIRACULOUSLY decide to admit yourself and become a GOOD PERSON, then MAYBE i will consider manifesting positivity for you. but if you are still the same abusive asshole that i lived with, then i will continuously wish nothing but hell for you.

but heres the thing about GASLIGHTERS. its in your DNA fuckhead. your brain is LITERALLY fucked up. so you cant change. and i doubt you will. because you are “fine”.

well, YOU DONT GET TO GET AWAY WITH THIS. the more i heal, the more i see the truth. you manipulated my entire life. i became a pet to you. a pet that you abused. im basically bucket. i loved you unconditionally, and you abused that love. YOU ARE AN ABUSER. YOU ARE DANGEROUS. you need to be stopped. and i will live with this pain for the rest of my life because of you. i will ALWAYS remember what you put me through/did to me. if i EVER see you on the street, i WILL catch a case I. DONT. GIVE. A. FUCK.  DONT YOU ever STEP IN MY LANE AGAIN. you are dead to me. i was the best thing you ever had. i hope you think of me. i hope you miss me. i hope your heart aches from the loss of me. i hope the pain is as unbearable as the pain you caused me.

now heres where you misunderstood me.

you took me for a fool. someone that you could manipulate endlessly. you must have thought i was dumb. LMFAO. i love HARD but i am NO idiot. i saw you. i KNOW the real you. and it gets clearer every day. you cant run from who you are. and if i have to let the world know who you are too, i will. so stay low. dont make any noise. dont hurt another SOUL. or i’ll pop up. you dont get to hurt anyone else. i refuse to let it happen. i crave justice and revenge. only thing keeping me quiet now, is i dont want to be a bad person. i dont want drama. you aint worth it motherfucker. but im ready for anything. you can not be trusted.

so keep telling your lies. keep everyone thinking you have a halo. keep abusing people. keep it up. i know you will end up where you are supposed to be. people like you dont make it very far in life. 

just know, as long as im alive, you have an enemy walking this earth.

fuck you w, d.e.

[bakedham]

it is just so crazy when you realize that everything has been a delusion. like everything that you were so sure of just isnt the case at all. its makes me feel so silly and like i cant trust myself. i was losing my mind trying to figure out what i did wrong, why she cut contact, i spent two weeks outside of my body. i thought maybe i had said something wrong in the last voicemail i left or that her girlfriend made her stop talking to me or that her phone got destroyed. i was this close to emailing her. and then just like that, you realize that not a single thing you have been tearing yourself apart about is true. She's busy and has other priorities, thats always been the case. but she doesnt hate you. she didnt "cut contact." she misses you lots and wants to see you desperately. i try to say i dont believe her but i think the thing that hurts more is that i do. and i feel like a fucking lunatic for letting this destroy me for the last two weeks. but also i am still hurting. when i read her response this morning i ended up crying nonstop until i had to go into school. i put off responding not to get back at her but because my answer resets the count of when she will answer next. its an endless cycle. she is the only person that matters to me but i am feeling like i need to step away from this. but i know that if pull away, I will lose her and I will be left with no one. i dont know how to have relationships without obsessing and swallowing them whole. i feel like the response should have healed me but i am still shaking from the torture that i put myself through. i couldnt sleep, i couldnt wake up. i had nightmares about her ignoring me and choosing others over me. i couldnt eat for days. i spent my nights alone drinking and refreshing her instagram for any sort of clue that she was alive. i tried to dig myself out of it, i reached out to some friends/acquaintances and went to the gym with one a couple of times. i took myself to see the 3d release of titanic. but none of it had a lasting effect. i brought my laptop to a bar because I wasn't able to get anything done at home. and i had/have so much to do. instead i would just curl up in bed and cry or drink while scrolling here. i feel like ive just been a spectator of my life and everything hurts so badly. she may not hate me. and she may miss me lots and want to see me desperately. but she doesnt know that not texting me for over three weeks almost killed me. i even sent her a candle hoping it would provoke a response, but nothing. i thought i was dead to her. my repsonse back was "omg what musical are you designing??!!!"

#rigbrainius #long post #rant #tw eating issues #tw sad shit