#i didnt even eat anything i wasn't hungry | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

soggyriceee · 11 months

Text

strawberry | Konig nsfw

| this one is a smut, but also angst. basically, Konig gets you to use your safe word for the very first time after being gone for a year in the German base. so, I hope you all enjoy :) |

warnings: rough sex, crying (not good kind) angst, aggressive konig, not edited, will be edited in the morning

╰┈➤

Konig was always gentle during sex. and it a hundred percent had to do with the fact he was literally twice your height and then some. yes he left hickeys, small small bruises on your hips from his grasp, left your legs a bit wobbly. but those were normal considering his size. and even when you reassured him you liked that, he would always apologize profusely, getting you anything you need for hours and hours after.

but tonight, he was a whole other man. he wasn't the same kind and giving Konig. and to an extent you liked the new dominance, the new aggression. it was hot.

until it wasn't.

Konig had been between your legs, fingering and eating you out for about an hour. he was hungry, and not for edible food. he was hungry for you. that sweet pussy of yours, your tight cunt gripping his fingers or dick. he missed it while he was back in Germany for some mission he had given you little information about. all you knew was he was in the middle of Germany, killing potential threats.

already you had came 4 times (that he allowed). he was so pussy drunk, he hadn't realized the tears that brimmed those pretty eyes. in fact, his eyes were closed, his lower half grinding into the bed. you were sure he had already came in his pants at least twice at this point. he would occasionally whimper into you pussy, his hips moving faster against the bed. " fuck ive missed this pussy maus.. you dont even understand." he said into your drenched cunt. a mix of saliva and cum ran down your legs, a big puddle underneath the both of you.

"k-konig can we.. take a break please." you cried from above, your legs shaking despite his mouth simply on your thighs, leaving more and more marks. he nipped at the soft flesh of yours after those words came out, a low growl leaving his lips. " how dare you ask such a question?" he rose, pulling his pants down. and you were right.

his dick was layered in his cum, more of it dripping out from the tip. he was so agonizingly hard, he couldnt bare to fuck into the bed anymore. he needed what he dreamt of every night since leaving. and he needed it now. "imma fuck my babies into you liebling.. make you swollen with them." he said, almost to himself, as he grabbed the base of him, looking down at your pussy.

as much as you wanted him to rearrange your guts, you were drained. he had made you so overstimulated, you could barely form thoughts. it was hard trying to even raise your head from the pillow. but he didnt care. he hadn't realized it before, but as much as he does want to cherish your body like its a rare piece of art from olden times, worth millions of dollars, he loved seeing you fucked out just as much. he loved seeing how he had complete control over your body and there was nothing you could do. it sparked a whole new person in him, one that you were quickly growing scared of.

before you could process his tip sliding slowly into you with ease, his hips were already slamming into yours, his balls hitting your cum soaked ass with so much force, the sound filled the room. your hands clutched onto his shoulders for dear life, your eyes squeezing shut. " you look so fucking pretty maus.. so fucking pretty. all fucked out like this.. shit~" he groaned, his eyes watching your face twist in what he believed was pleasure.

and for a bit it was. until he raised your leg all the way up, leaving the other down. your leg fell over his shoulder and your arms flopped to your side. he was hitting directly at your cervix and it hurt. but he was in so much pleasure. his head fell back as his eyes rolled to the back of his head, his lips spitting out dirty phrases in both English and German.

and of course, being away from sex for a year, Konig was beyond sensitive. he came for the first time within the first few thrusts, his head falling into your bruised breasts, whimpering out how good it feels. but that didnt stop him. he kept going.

his hand found its way to your throat, gripping it unintentionally hard. with the mix of tears and now the shortness of breath, it was all a lot on your body physically. Konig had gotten to carried away inside your pussy, the way it sucked him back in. "fuck maus.. your s-so wet.. im close again~" he whimpered, his lips latching to your breasts to find space to mark it yet again.

at this point you were literally going in and out of vision. his grip on you grew tighter as he released yet another load into you. you too felt your pussy leaking, unaware of the knot that was in your stomach. you were feeling too many things at once that you ended up going completely numb. you whimpered below him, trying to find anything to get him to realize that you needed a break. but the tears that fell from your eyes only made him wanna fuck you more.

he slid out, watching the mixture of cum literally pour out of you. your thighs were soaked and red from the constant biting and nibbling a few moments ago. your face was red as well from the lack of oxygen. he let go of your neck, licking his lips as if he was deciding what to do with you next. all he knew, was that he wanted to keep fucking you.

he grabbed your legs and pressed them together and into your chest. immediately you felt his dick slide right in, going at his fast pace yet again. "k-konig please- I-i cant" you managed to choke out, your head hitting the bed frame with each thrust he gave you. this was when the fun for you ended. it only made him more and more horny, seeing you tap out so soon after he began to fuck you.

the look in his eyes was not the same look when he came home, a huge bouquet of flowers in his hand as he ran up to you, lifting you off the ground and placing kisses all over your face. no. this look was dangerous. it was almost like it was the same look he had on the battle field.

his hand went back to your throat, his head tilting to the side slightly. "shut up a-and fucking.. take it. I know.. you missed this a-as much as me." he growled, moving his hips only faster and deeper. but you couldnt take it. you truly couldnt take it.

by the time you felt your 6th orgasm approaching, you began to see white light in the corners of your eyes, and you knew you were truly at your limit. "s-strawberry" you tried to say as loud as you could. but the sounds of your cunt and konigs whimpers, he couldnt hear you. his thrusts kept going until you felt him release inside you again, his grip on your throat enough to snap your throat. and at that same time, what you though was impossible happened. you had the most painful orgasm ever, your body feeling like it was going to shut down entirely. it was like you had nothing else to give.

""fuck libeling.. gimme one more.. be a good girl." he whispered breathlessly, his hips beginning to once again, move. this time slower but still deep. but you physically couldn't take it.

once you felt yourself begin to doze off from the lack of oxygen and overstimulation, you were finally able to coherently and loudly say, 'strawberry'.

╰┈➤

you woke up about a half hour later, your throat sore and body just as sore. you tried to turn but your legs gave you a painful sign to stay put. thats when it all came back what had happened. of course, it made tears well up in your eyes. you'd just seen a side of Konig you never thought you'd see. a side of him he kept hidden from you.

you stayed completely still, looking into nothing until you heard sniffles coming from the floor behind you. of course, you tried to move but it hurt. but eventually you were able to turn to your side, a few pained moans leaving you every now and then. thats when your eyes landed on Konig sitting on the floor, head in his hands as tears seeped through his fingers.

"Konig?" you said, wincing right after. but he didnt look up. he kept his head in his hands, his chest rising and falling quick. and you knew what this was. you'd been with him for so long, you knew exactly what he was going through based off his body. but as much as you wanted to help him, you genuinely couldnt feel your legs. "please come here.. I cant get up. let me hold you." you said, reaching your hand out. but still, nothing.

you felt a pain in your chest watching him like this, unable to do anything. you wanted to help him, reassure him that everything is okay. but words only do so much for him, he needed you to physically show him everything was okay. "Konig please I-" "I h-hurt you. im s-so s-sorry." he spoke out, hyperventilating throughout all. he began to rock on the floor, crying harder into his hands.

hearing him cry, it made you want to cry with him. especially since, you couldnt do anything but try and talk to him. "Konig please." you tried reasoning with him. but he couldnt get himself off the floor. thats when you decided to drag yourself off the bed, no matter how much pain you felt. you knew that yes you needed help too, but you weren't gonna get any if your help was having a panic attack.

once you got to the end of the bed, you crawled off of it slowly, your hands hitting the ground first, legs second. you groaned at the light impact, but still dragged yourself over to Konig. he was shaking when you got to him, his cries not stopping, even when you rested your hand on his foot. "Konig please stop crying.. look im okay. im alive." "but you almost weren't." he was looking up now. seeing his red puffy eyes broke your heart. and seeing you, looking lifeless and not responding to him made him even more worried for you than you were for him. the only thing that kept him going was your pulse, and barely that.

"I-i almost k..killed-" he couldnt finish his sentence before sobbing into his hands again, shaking his head. your head dropped, you didnt know what to say. you'd never experienced this issue with Konig, with anyone before. you'd never had to use your safe word and you never expected to. "Konig.. can you look at me?" you finally spoke, your voice stern.

he looked up at you, wiping his eyes. " it was an experience, okay? yes it was scary and yes it could've gone wrong. but it was a could've situation, not a did happen situation. as much as I want to help you feel better, I cant do that if I cant see you, and talk to you like I am now." your hand took his, squeezing gently. he sniffled and nodded, looking straight into you. " right now, I need help too. so lets help each other feel better." you said, smiling softly at him.

he looked down at your neck, some of the hickies leaving behind dried blood or bite marks. some even both. his heart dropped as he ran his eyes down your body again, the thsirt he put on you the second he realized you had passed out, barely covering the similar marks on your thighs. "im.. im so sorry maus.." he whispered, shaking his head.

you smiled and grabbed his face, leaning in as slow as you could as to not hurt yourself, leaving small kisses on his cheek. " I love you Konig, okay? you got a bit carried away. you've been gone a year. its normal. unexpected, but I understand. just please, next time-" "ill treat you like your made of glass libeling." he finished, grabbing your face.

Konig knew deep down, he'd never forgive himself for this. for putting you in danger like that, for turning into the man he was on the battlefield. he'd never forgive himself, no matter how many times you told him it was okay. it wasn't. and he felt worse about being the one on the floor crying instead of showering you in love.

he stood, grabbing you with such ease into his arms, flipping you bridal style. you clung to his neck, smiling at him. "lets go give you a bath, ill order your favorite food. or I can cook. then we can watch that show you've been watching. we can do anything you want maus.. I love you." he said, walking towards the connected bathroom.

and you both did just that. the rest of the night you stayed in, cuddling and watching your favorite shows. as bedtime grew closer for you both, he began to clean the marks along your body, kissing each one and apologizing after them all. he felt so bad, and he was willing to go above and beyond, and even then some, to make you feel like the beautiful princess you were.

#konig #konig smut #konig fanfiction #konig x reader #cod #cod x reader #call of duty fan fiction #call of duty x reader #konig fic #konig call of duty #konig mw2 #mw2

5K notes · View notes

onlyjaeyun · 10 months

Note

hmmm maybe smth soft??? like aftercare style or jay just looking after you and making sure you eat well/take care of yourself because sometimes you forget to 🥹

lov u so so so much

anything for my baby, am currently working on a jay fic btw and its gonna be heavily daddy!jay focused so i didnt want to write too too much, hope you like it 🤭🩷

— cw: dd/lg, soft d0m!jongseong, praising, implied br33ding

"there you go, daddy's almost there baby, you're doing so well for me." jongseong's voice is strained and raspy, moans and grunts falling past his pretty lips as he picks up the pace of his thrusts, pushing himself closer to his own high after making sure he's got you as fucked out as possible to catch his own release.

nothing you respond is coherent; you're an actual nonsense blabbering mess, cheeks stained with tears from the combination of pleasure and the pain of being overstimulated, a thin layer of sweat coating your body and your eyes constantly rolling into the back of your head with almost every single one of his harsh thrusts.

his words barely reach you, yet his sweet praise doesn't fail to make your cunt clench even tighter around his sensitive cock and at this point jay is surprised how well he's managed to last.

he definitely has really good stamina, especially when it comes to fucking you, yet after actual hours of teasing you and himself, he's finally reached his own limit.

it doesn't take another minute for him to bury his face in the crook of your neck and a soft moan of your name before he coats the spongy walls of your cunt in several shades of white, making sure to reach the deepest points just how you like it.

if it wasn't for his own strength, jjong would have easily collapsed on you from how exhausted he is, yet as soon as he feels himself softening inside of you, he pulls away and comes to sit in between your wobbly legs

"baby", he whispers softly and reaches for your face, his heart doubling in its size when you move into his gentle touch and place the softest kiss into his palm, "you're shaking, are you okay?"

you quickly start nodding as your lips stretch into a lazy smile and at the way he lets out a sigh of relief you can't help but chuckle.

"you did so well for daddy", your boyfriend mumbles and kisses you, doesn't warn you when he slowly starts pulling his cock out of your sensitive cunt, a row of his deep grunts and your soft whimpers meeting in the heavy air of your shared bedroom.

"thank you, daddy", you reply softly and place your hand on his arm after kissing his cheek, "you did too, fucked me so good."

Jongseong can't help but actually grow flustered from your little praise, the knowledge of your appreciation easily heating up his whole face and he is definitely more than grateful for the fact his cheeks are already covered in deep shades of red from all the love making to hide it.

"thank you, angel girl."

You watch your boyfriend get up from in between your legs, his own slightly unstable as he comes to stand next to the bed with a water bottle in his hand.

"drink up, pretty one", he sighs and helps you with the first sip, his eyes attentively roam your sweat covered, naked body before he sighs and kisses the top of your head.

as soon as you wrap your hands around the bottle, he quickly goes to put his sweats back on and runs his pretty hands through his messy hair to reveal his forehead to your hungry eyes.

"don't look at me like that, baby", he chuckles deeply and hands you your camisole and a fresh pair of panties, which he of course helps you put on, "you might actually pass out if we go for another round."

"I wouldn't mind that, daddy", you say cheekily and join into his laughter and let yourself fall back onto the pillow again with a loud sigh.

"daddy's gonna go and run us a nice bath, yeah? I already prepared some snacks so we gotta have those before we go in and then I can wash your back and massage your shoulders just how you like it. how does that sound, princess?"

the raspiness of his vocie is already gone by the time he comes to sit next to you again, his words coated in nothing but love and care, something g so unique to park jongseong.

"perfect, daddy", you whisper and look up at him, "sounds absolutely perfect. thank you."

jongseong gives you one last kiss before he makes his way to the bathroom, the sound of a running faucet quickly following him and it doesn't take another minute for him to come out again.

"wanna go and use the bathroom really quick, while i get the snacks ready baby?", he suggests to you and smiles when you try to get up with a soft nod, however your attempt ends with jjong having to help you get there and leave once he's made sure you're safe.

after calmly watching you eat the little fruit platter he had prepared a few hours prior, jongseong insists on making you finish the bottle of water you had started a while ago, praising you for eating so well and thanking you for letting him take care of you like this.

"you're so pretty, angel", he whispers the moment you take off your camisole again to join him in the hot water, his words making your chest blossom with love in a way only he's ever managed to, "i've never seen anyone as beautiful as you."

you instinctively pout at his words, tears actually threating to form a thick veil before you take his handsome face into your hands and pull him into a sloppy kiss.

"come on now, baby", he sighs and helps you to get seated in between his legs, smiling as soon as your soft whimper of exhaustion fills the bathroom, "there you go, good girl. now you're gonna lean back and let daddy reward you for doing so well, yeah?"

and just as usual jongseong ends the night with his strong arms tightly wrapped around your body as he tells you about all the things you do he loves or how proud he is of you for trying your best at all times. he plays with your hair and caresses your back all while littering your cheeks in soft kisses until you fall asleep in his arms and he gets to admire you for just a tad bit longer before the exhaustion catches up on him as well.

#enhypen smut #park jongseong smut #enhypen x reader #; drabbles #; boyfie #; daddies 💞

455 notes · View notes

pabloqavi · 8 months

Text

illicit affairs

summary. you and gavi have been dating for five months now but no one knows about your secret relationship until the team catches you ! genre. fluff ! pairing. gavi x reader ! a/n. this is my first short story so please bear with me, i'm also spanish so i'm sorry if there's any mistakes !! ++ wanted to clarify that yes the song is called after the song from taylor swift but there will be no cheating involved

"pablo stop we need to get going soon" you told your boyfriend, trying to push his face away.

"but yn just one more kiss" he pouted while spreading kisses all over your face "need to get enough of them before i go a whole day without them" he said making you giggle before you give in and kiss him

pablo and you have been dating for five months now but no one knew about your relationship since you wanted to keep it private and not have people meddling on it. this obviously included your friends, who were the biggest gossipers known to earth and you wouldn't put it past them to let it slip at any time.

today you were gonna spend a day out with your friends at the beach, taking advantage of the day off the boys had.

"i love you but if we don't start getting ready we are gonna be late again" you told pablo while caressing his face, giving him one last kiss before getting up.

"fine" he kissed your cheek while rushing upstairs to change into his swimsuit. both of you were at your house, which lately had become pablo's as well, to the point he had clothes all over your closet.

one you both got ready you grabbed your car keys and left for the beach. it wasn't a rare occurrence to see you driving pablo everywhere since despite being now 18 he didn't have his license yet.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"gavi, yn we are over here" you hear as soon as you get out of the car. seeing pedri waving you over to the little corner of the beach where all your friends are.

once you dropped your stuff and force pablo to let you apply sunscreen on him so he doesn't get sunburned, you run to the water where all your friends are already playing.

"guys we are getting out" sira tells the boys as you head to the towels. seeing the boys follow you out of the water and take out a ball and start doing passes.

after a few hours playing in the sun, the boys start getting hungry and want to head to a restaurant to eat something.

pedri is the first to head towards where you and the girls are talking trying to find a phone to see what time it was. grabbing the first one he sees he turns it on to see the time.

"oh my god" you suddenly hear him yell while covering his mouth with one hand "when did this happen? since when? what? how?" he starts rambling talking to himself.

"what happened?" ansu asks him with all the boys now coming over.

"gavi and yn are dating" he yells turning the phone so all the guys could see pablo's lockscreen, which was a photo of the both of you kissing. suddenly you feel your cheeks heating up and let out a quiet giggle while all the boys look accusatorially to pablo.

"why didn't we know? how long have you even been dating?" ferran asks

"a little over 5 months" pablo replies sheepishly "and we didn't tell you because we wanted to be private and no offense but you aren't the best secret keepers" you tell them making them all scoff in fake annoyance.

yourusername

favourite place with my favourite person 🤍

pablogavi love you more than anything 🤍

yourusername love you more

pedri I CANT BELIEVE WE DIDNT SEE THIS COMING

yourusername can't lie it's embarrassing

ansufati thinking back they made it too obvious 😭

ilovegavi6 WHAT IS HAPPENING ?#!#!

30gavi6 another parasocial relationship ended😭😭

#pablo gavi #pablo gavi x reader #pablo gavi x y/n #gavi #gavi oneshots #football imagines #football x reader #gavi x reader #gavi imagines #gavi blurb #pablo gavi imagines #pablo martín páez gavira #gavi fluff #fc barcelona #@pabloqavi

310 notes · View notes

cazperx-x · 1 year

Note

Hi! Can I request Gareth who has a s/o who isnt very good with food and often forgets to eat or doesn’t eat very much so he just kinda helps them out?

I love this idea!

Lunch tray

Gareth Emerson x Gn!reader

802 words

No real mention of gender, except Eddie calling the reader princess once

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕🥁💀💀🥁💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

Gareth looked around the lunch room, tapping his fingers on the table nervously.

"Calm down prince charming, your princess'll be here any moment." Eddie remarked, rolling his eyes with a grin

Garth crossed his arms over his chest, before shaking his head.

"You're just jealous I'm dating someone like Y/N."

Whatever you say, loverboy." Eddie chuckled.

Just then, you walked up to the table. "Am I interrupting anything?" You asked, standing at the end of the table

"Nope!" Gareth smiled, before glaring at Eddie, as if daring him to say anything about their prior conversation.

You walked over to Gareth, ruffling his hair. Then, you took your seat in his lap. At first you started doing it because there weren't enough seats at the table, but ever since Lucas started sitting with the basketball team, it wasn't necessary. But by then, sitting on Gareth's lap had become the new normal.

His arms around your waist, and chin resting on your shoulder as he looked at everyone else at the table was comforting, and you wouldn't have it any other way.

"Hey, did you forget to grab a lunch tray again?" Gareth asked, voice laced with concern.

"I knew i forgot something," You muttered. "It's fine, I wasn't that hungry anyways."

"You can have something from my tray. You need to eat lunch." He frowned.

"Fine." You reluctantly grabbed something small from his tray, before listening in on whatever DnD related thing the other guys were arguing about.

"Look, I've been working on this campaign for longer than normal, and if think Sinclair choosing that stupid balls in laundry basket gome over us it going to make me postpone it-"

"-But subs are impossible to find! Especially for the first night of a campaign, I just don't think it's a good idea."

Mike and Eddie were arguing over the next Hellfire meet, with Dustin backing Mike up.

"Hey! What if Y/N played? They used to play DnD in middle school, right?" Gareth piped up, and suddenly everyone at the table was looking at you.

"Sure! I mean, I wouldn't mind-" You stumbled through your words, suddenly nervous. You remembered most of the rules for DnD, and even had a new character (Gareth helped a lot) but your glory days were long over. Infact, the last time you played was probably 7th grade.

"So it's settled! Y/N will play in place of Sinclair." Eddie proudly declared.

Mike and Dustin groaned, but gareth squeezed your arm reassuringly.

~~~

"Hey! Y/N!" School had just ended, and you were about to start walking home when Gareth's voice caught your attention.

"Yeah?"

"How about I come over later tonight to help you prepare for the campaign tomorrow?" He smiled while rushing over to you, obviously enthusiastic about you playing in a campaign with the rest of Hellfire.

"Oh! Sure! I'd really appreciate that."

"How about I come over around 6:30? That okay with you?"

You nodded eagerly.

"And here, for the walk home." He handed you a simple granola bar, before pulling you into a hug. You kissed his cheek, and even though you had done the exact thing what had to be thousands or even millions of times, he still blushed bright red.

"Get home safe, alright?"

"You betcha."

~~~

"Food break!"

You watched curiously as Gareth pulled a small container out of his bag, taking a break from refreshing your memory on DnD, and trying his best with a two person practice run.

"When's the last time you ate?" He asked. One thing you appreciated about Gareth was how he didnt pester you.

He wasn't constantly bugging you about the last time you ate, when you are, ect.

Instead, he would do simple things like make sure he brought snacks whenever you two went out. Or make sure you got a tray during lunch, or let you have some of his. And other times, he would ask gently. And most of the time it was in private.

Moral of the story, Gareth was honestly the best at touchy subjects like this.

You frowned. "Well, I did have school lunch, and half of that granola bar you gave me-"

He cut you off. "That was half a sandwich more than 5 hours ago Y/N, and I don't think hald a granola bar can count as a meal. Luckily for you, I brought my mom's homemade mac and cheese!" He smiled

"Oooo, thank you so much! You really didn't have to bring his Gare, I'm sure there's something we could've just gotten from my kitchen.

"Don't mention it. My sisters were gonna eat all of this anyway, and I figured its for the greater good."

You giggled.

This was Gareth Emerson alright.

Your Gareth Emerson.

And you wouldn't want it any other way.

#really hope this isnt shit considering i havent written in a while #gareth emerson #gareth emerson x reader #gareth x reader #gareth stranger things #st4 #stranger things season 4 #gareth stranger things x reader #stranger things

80 notes · View notes

weepingpussywillowtree · 1 year

Text

big list of things that make sense about my childhood now that i know im autistic

not to be annoying, but this diagnosis makes so much click for me, and i need to get it down somewhere

i was an early reader, and a super advanced reader, but i had difficulty understanding complex emotional themes and characters in a way atypical for my age. on standardized tests, i couldn't answer questions like "what did character x mean when he said y"

i have aphantasia, and there's evidence that autistic people tend to exist on the extremes of the visual imagination spectrum (either none or lots)

i constantly got in trouble for 'rolling my eyes' and 'being a smart aleck'. the rolling my eyes was me flitting my eyes around because i couldn't make eye contact. the being 'smart' was me not understanding instructions or rules unless explicitly told. for example, i got in trouble at sleepaway summer camp (aka hell) for skipping a meal when i wasn't hungry, but i was never told i had to go sit in the lunchroom even if i didn't want to eat.

i was a picky eater. the only sandwiches i ate for the longest time were butter or honey sandwiches. for the record, sandwiches with plain white bread and lunchmeat still suck. bleh

i forgot about or ignored my biological needs. i used to wet myself and did it way later than my friends/peers because i either didn't realize i had to go, or i was so engrossed in whatever i was focused on that i ignored it

i had GI issues so severe as a young child, that i was put on prescription strength heartburn medication. GI issues aren't a symptom of autism, but they are one of the main comorbidities and i still have severe heartburn to this day.

I had meltdowns regularly when overwhelmed, over things my parents thought of as minor. like, coming home from a long day of school, or being 'late' to things we typically did at a certain time. this was described as me 'having a temper' or 'being dramatic'

i was extensively bullied and ostracized, for reasons i did not understand

i was taken advantage of in friendships, for anything from homework answers to being the fall guy for stuff i didnt do

when other children discovered they could make me 'explode' by pushing certain buttons repeatedly, they did it on purpose until i sometimes got violent. because of this, i was told there was something 'dark' inside of me that i had to learn to control.

the advice 'just be yourself' always did me more harm than good

i imitated the gestures, poses, responses, vocabulary, and tones of voice of my peers

i stimmed! all the time. i used to flap my hands and jump up and down, until that was bullied out of me. then i would pace back and forth while listening to my ipod

i monologued about my interests and couldn't tell when people weren't interested anymore.

i read fantasy books constantly, and couldn't tell when it was not appropriate to read.

i had an aversion to physical touch/affection, and even had a reputation in my family for it. they would try and goad me into giving them hugs. my mom said i was never comforted by it, even as a baby and the only way to stop me crying was to let me watch bambi over and over

i had terrible fine motor skills. i couldnt tie my shoes till 11 or 12 and couldnt use scissors until later

i couldn't stand certain textures of clothing, and any scented things at all. we always used unscented everything, and i wore a lot of boys clothes.

I had one comfort item, a stuffed lamb I took with me everywhere, and was distraught for close to a year when I lost her. she would often talk for me. as in, I would say what the lamb wanted or felt when really I was the one who wanted something or felt that way.

finally, i didn't play normally. instead, i arranged dolls, legos, horse figurines, or stuffies in elaborate scenes and then stared at them. often, i would do the same scene over and over for the same toys. i would pretend to do imaginative play or try to do it if some other kid was with me, but i could only really follow instructions.

In movie theaters, I plugged my ears through the whole thing even if I was enjoying it. I couldn't see IMAX films because they were too overwhelming, and would cry when I was brought to them.

I had inappropriate emotional reactions. I laughed at roadkill or at the can of smoke the priest would shake at my family's Catholic funerals, and often got accused of faking my emotions for attention when I was upset about something that other people said I shouldn't be upset by

#actually autistic #shouting into the void #autism #autistic women #diagnosis

25 notes · View notes

stylesloveclub · 1 year

Note

coming home from a long day to a nice warm meal made by pleasingrry himself bc he knew you were having a rough day :( he’d pour you a little glass of wine and even help you take a bath bc his puppy is just too tired :(

:( like u come home and u are just pooped like it wasn't even a work day just a school day but u were at the library for a long time so ur just brain dead and ur hungry bc u didn't take any food w u to campus :( and u texted him like baby im so tired and hungry can i come to urs i wanna see u:( like u just want to sleep in his bed bc that always makes u feel so much better like u just need to spend a lil time w him :( and of course he says yes he always wants to see u!!!! so u get to harrys and just drop everything on the floor and like flop onto his couch bc ur soooooo tired and exhausted... and then he comes out w a plate of food hot n ready for u :( and he sits down on the couch w u and he's holding a glass of wine in one hand and ur food in the other and ur like :( harry!!!!! :( and he sits w u on the couch while u scarf down everything he made and its soooo yummy ur like inhaling it all and hes just watching w a fond look in his eye, brushing ur hair out of ur face and stroking ur leg while he asks ab ur day:( and u tell him how shitty it was like u had a quiz and it was rainy and ur shoes got wet and some guy in ur chem discussion was being really annoying and it irritated u :( and he's like oh u poor thing :( had such a long day didnt u :( and when ur done eating ur too tired to even like move or anything and ur whining ab how tired u are so he just like picks u up and takes u into the bath so that u can relax :(

#pleasing concepts

18 notes · View notes

nerves-nebula · 1 year

Note

I HEAR you about the struggle of having to re-parent yourself. Honestly 2 meals a day is a good goal, and like yeah people may judge you for not eating ""correctly"" but like.. food is food. You're eating food and you have access to food. Honestly I'd say the fact you can choose what you eat is a pretty big success

Remembering to eat and keep clean and all that is wayyyyy tougher than what people say it is. Especially when it wasn't taught. You working on and with yourself and trying is great. Might not mean anything but one neglected kid to another I'm proud of ya.

But kaerjgnakejrgn food is so complicated like ?? textures?? tastes?? actually making your body chew and swallow?? Growing up my mother went wildly from one diet to another and had me on them too. After a few years she got us both to do a "eating once a day" thing but if she got out of bed she'd eat while I was at school/away or in bed.

I ended up doing cooking in school once I could to get free food, jumping at any left overs and sometimes digging in the trash. Took lots of dares to get food, I'm very good at swallowing things whole to get over whatever it was I was eating. When/if my mom cooked it was literal depression era food recipes, minus boxed stuff 'cause it had "too much flavour" (sigh). (tomato or cucumber sandwiches anyone? literally bread with a slice of tomato inside. Salt and pepper was fortunately in the house but rarely used. The good old classic of sliced potatoes, frozen vegetables and ground beef cooked in water without anything else added.)

Anyways sorry for the rant. Basically food is more complex than how it's treated, and even if you aren't eating in a way that people say is "correct", you're getting food and have edible food available to you when you're hungry and that's a big thing. That's a success, don't judge yourself too harshly for learning something that others get their entire life to learn. There's no shame in catching up, your efforts are worthy of recognition

yooo wait this all reminds me that when I started high school I would ask my friends if they were gonna eat their food or not, sometimes I ate like 3 people's meals (just bits of other people's meals they didnt wanna eat like 3 extra apples or a bunch of celery and carrots) because I didn't know if mom was gonna make something I could stomach or not. It definitely doesn't help that I apparently have Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder <- fancy words for saying I'd rather starve than eat food with a weird taste/texture

my mom was really busy so she went from making 3 meals a day when I was way younger (i have the vaguest memories of eating breakfast and helping make pancakes) down to around 1 or 2

and my dad can really only eat one big meal a day because of his own childhood abuse stuff that happened so nobody really helped us get back on track haha.

OH YEAH and another funny thing kind of related to all this: when I started high school I was working on a story with a bunch of abused kids so I looked up symptoms of abuse and I just ended up collecting a bunch of screenshots that literally described things I was doing. at the time I was like "oh lol I'm abused?? wild anyway." cause i was kind of already aware but it's a little crazy just HOW many of the signs/symptoms I had hahafdsfsd.

as far as the 2 meals thing- that's actually kind of a side effect of a different issue where I can't eat around 3-4 hours after waking up otherwise I'll have really bad digestive issues. So uhhh no breakfast for me! It's way worse the earlier it is. Like if I have to get up around 8 AM there's no way I'm eating until around 11-12

ANYWHO. for what its worth, I value other neglected kids opinions on stuff like this a bit more than other peoples, so I do really appreciate the pride :')

#nnstuff #ask #asks are sweethearts #food tw #disordered eating #neglect #child neglect

19 notes · View notes

fang-is-in-hell · 3 months

Text

So im getting pretty sick and tired of professionals I'm seeing not doing anything because of bias

I asked my doctor if I could get tested for autism and he said no cause he didn't want me to be labeled. He didn't think of any of my concerns and reasons he judged it solely off of his views of autistic people.

Another thing is I asked him today about ADHD meds and he said no and that i need to be retested. INFACT he said "I don't think anything is wrong with her and that it's a lack of sleep"

He blamed my phone and my lack of sleep. If that was really the case, then how come I struggled in elementary when I had a perfect sleep schedule.How come I struggled in 6th grade when i had no phone and a not sucky sleep schedule.

IF IT WAS TRULY MY SLEEP AND MY PHONE, THEN HOW COME HOW I STRUGGLE NOW IS HOW I STRUGGLED MY WHOLE LIFE WHEN I DIDNT HAVE ANY OF THESE THINGS

When I had my IEP meeting, The admins blamed my phone and that's the only thing distracting me and I just need tutoring. Like my whole life I've been distracted, In elementary, I would just read my books and talk to people. In middle school, I would just read my books. In elementary and middle school, instead of sleeping, I would read and do arts and crafts. I've simply replaced that, with my phone and that's the issue. My AUDHD caught up with the times and now I'm an issue.

People my whole life said that I should self-advocate for what I need and what's wrong with me but when I did, they said no. I said that i think I might be autistic and that I truly don't know what I need but I know I need help. They flat-out told me no, that's not it that cause they said so without even hearing me out.

I have a therapist now and I wish I could say she's helping me but she's old and senile, she fell asleep mid session and forgot key things she told me. I brought up a couple sessions agohow I think I might be autistic and told her my proof and she said "yeah, that might be a plausible" but now has the audacity to tell me last session that I might not be and im just a little wierd. Wow, I would've rather you just chucked me out the window.

My whole life, I've felt lost when it comes to help avaliable to me cause my parents didn't know how and my school counselor could only bring me a schedule change but no real help and my SPED department practically told me to go fuck myself because I didn't know what I needed and therefore wasn't gonna get any help. (That's like me saying I'm hungry but idk what I'm hungry for and someone telling me that I'm not getting anything to eat because of that). My doctor said he wouldn't test me cause he doesn't want me to be labeled and in fact he thinks it's my phone that caused all this. My therapist is old and dying right before my eyes and can't even open box, how the hell is she supposed to help me?

Despite self-advocating like everyone told me, the same people are now telling me that I'm invalid in my feelings and thoughts.

There's a certain level of lost you hit before your like "what's even the point? I should just give up" and I'm fighting everything to stay away from that, but I fear I'm at the line just before it

Post made by @amethysttheanarchist

#autism #autism things #autistic things #self diagnosed autism #idk how to tag this

2 notes · View notes

hoshi-y · 2 years

Note

Hello there!

I came across your work and I really love your writing! so I was wondering if I could request something {you can ignore if you aren't comfortable with this in any way}

Could I please get Teru with a s/o who has a strong need for academic validation, they always need to have good grades, have a good impression on the teachers, have a good attendance score, avoid getting in trouble at all ,need to be fairly active (like in student council or being a captain/prefect) . And with the feeling that without their academic performances they would be useless?

Heh this is kinda how I feel hence the request, once again feel free to ignore, thank you love! (sorry if you aren't comfortable with nicknames I couldn't resist-)

Break

Genre : Fluff

Character : Minamoto Teru

TW : None

A/N : AHHH Im glad you love my writing! And I'm comfortable with the nickname HAHAHAHSH omg love, and of course I'd love to do your request!

I hope you enjoy :D

Let's go take a break, Love

You were at the top of the rank

Always at 1st and never the 2nd or 3rd

You held onto the 1st rank title ever since kindergarten

And you still do now

All of the teachers praised you for being so smart and intelligent

You always had the best grades, passed your projects and assignments on time

And a complete attendance

Not only that, you never got into trouble not even once

No wonder all of the teachers adored you

you were also elected as Student Council Secretary

Even the students adored you, and some envied on how smart you were

Because of you joining the student council, you met your now Boyfriend Teru Minamoto

He has the same level of intelligence as you, but not that into looking for academic validation

found out you'd risk your mental health just to get a high grade so he dragged you out of the library

"Teru stop let me go, I wasn't done" You said as you tried to get his grip around your hand off

"Sorry Love.. But you need a break, its for your own good, Sitting down and studying yourself off until you're too tired to read and write is not healthy.." He said with a worried tone

He was really worried for you

always joining competitions, performances, or taking up extra tasks

Its like you turned into some robot, once you don't have anything more to do you'd be useless

and now today, He'll force you to take a few weeks of academics, like dragging you into festivals, Carnivals, or even arcades

Today was week 1 of your (forced) Break!

You sighed as you really didnt have any other choice than to let your boyfriend drag you stall by stall, though you are here, your mind is off somewhere thinking of your unfinished assignments

there wasn't any more.

Unfinished projects

You finished them all

And your—

"Hey.. Are you alright? Are you not feeling well or is it too crowded?" you snapped out of your thoughts, he must've been saying something and you haven't been paying attention

Teru gave your hand a gentle squeeze as he took you to an area where there was less people "S-sorry.. Were you saying something, Teru?" You asked

"I know your mind is on your studies again love.. Hey.. It's a week for you to enjoy and take a break, you're too hard on yourself" Wrapping his arms around you and one on your head as he hugged you

"I'm worried about you.. you don't need to go and rish your health for academic validation love.." He kissed your cheek and looked at you

"Cmon, Are you hungry? Lets go eat at this amazing ramen house me and Akane found" He said "Found or you forced Akane-san to search for a ramen house?.." You always question their friendship, Is it even a friendship

"He helped dont worry~" He said with imaginary flowers around him

Riighhtt...

Both of you finally get to the ramen house, went yp to a waiter to help you find a seat "Welcome to Ramen Nagi! How many in our party today?" The waiter asked getting menus ready "2 please" She happily guided the both of you to an empty table for 2 near a window overseeing the crowd of people from tge festival earlier

She handed both of you a menu and will be back in a few minuted to take your orders

"Ohhh, these look delicious" Teru said as he looked at every dish they were serving "What are you gonna get Love?" He asked, you hummed and pointed at the Butao Ramen "Ill have the Akao then" He closed the menu and placed it down

The yummy aroma of ramen filled the air making you hungry as you hugged Teru's arm "Hehe.. Are you enjoying yourself so far?" He asked as he looked at you, You nodded "Thanks for taking me out.. I guess I really did needed a break.." He smiled softly at you and kissed your forehead

"And I'll keep taking you out so you can relax, hm? and also~" He softly flicked your forehead making you rub the are he flicked "Next time, don't go too hard on yourself and come ask me for help okay?"

"Hmp.." Crossing your arms together you looked the other way as Teru laughed

Without him seeing, you could feel yourself smiling, after this day you wanted to go out more with him, The thought of the both of you going out tomorrow excited you

Both of you ordered and enjoyed each others company as you two talked about random things while eating ramen

Ramen Nagi is my favorite restaurant, I don't know if there's Ramen Nagi in japan but its a very popular restaurant here in my country ><

#toilet bound hanako kun #jibaku shoujo hanako kun #tbhk x reader #tbhk #teru minamoto #minamoto teru #teru x reader

31 notes · View notes

pbandjesse · 1 year

Text

I was so tired all day. Having two days in a row where I am so tired was not ideal. But it wasn't bad beyond that. I just wasn't comfortable.

It didn't help that sleep was still not easy last night. Even though I was so tired I was struggling. And then James accidentally woke me up moving my phone to the charger and that was not what I wanted because I wanted my phone with me and the curtains were open and I got all upset. So I didnt wake up nice and was mean to James for no reason so then I was upset with myself and I was just struggling.

I apologized to James and I got dressed. My hair felt bad. I liked my outfit but I didn't feel great at all. My face felt puffy. And I was having a bad time.

But I had to shake it off. It wouldn't work great but it wasn't the worst thing. I did forget my wallet with my cash in it. So I tried to use my gift card for breakfast and was $1 short so I had to use my credit card anyway. And the egg on my sandwich was weird. Like it looked weird. But it was fine. I had my breakfast and felt a little better.

I was glad to see Jack and my other friends. I went and set up balls and track and helped out out tables. I hurt myself a little on a sharp part of the table. But it was fine. I just went and put my head down. I was so tired.

The school would be a few minutes late. But it was fine. They were excellent kids. And we're so easy to work with. I brought them back to the classroom and they would make their groups and we had fun! I didn't bring anything to work on but that's fine. I made a roller coaster with the kids and they did a good job. They were very quick with the vocab and seemed to have a lot of fun.

Lunch was next. And the parents and teacher told me how much they enjoyed the first program so that made me feel good.

I went to the break room and just. Was quiet for a long time. I checked on my birthday sandals and they should be here tomorrow!

But very soon I had to go and get the kids for our next program. We had our cannery and I had to waste a few minutes at the window wall but not very long. And the cannery went really well but we had somehow lost 5 minutes in the intro and then a couple minutes from each shift and so we get to the store and Gabby's like hey why are we so early. And that's when I realized there was a half an hour of the program left when we only had one more store to do. That's not great. So we vamped and did our best to waste time. And the kids did a really good job in the program so that wasn't a problem and we finished like 10 minutes early so I took them out and we looked at the neon signs for Domino sugar and talked about how neon worked and then we took a bathroom break before we met Jordan at Ring of fire and he lit that and we talked about what some of the issues with having natural gas as a chandelier would be and then we went on our tour.

I had all the girls and one boy. And it was a really nice tour. They had questions and they seemed really interested and everything that was going on. I didn't get too much into the gore because one girl got a little gaggy when I started talking about some of the more intense stuff. But everything else went really well and we finished on time and they said they had a good time and that's all I really ever wanted. But man was I tired.

After I drop them off at the lunch room and saw the Dell was there I went to the back to just sit down for a few minutes. I would eat a little bit but I knew me and James were going to dinner later so I wasn't that concerned and I wasn't that hungry anyway. I just had enough so that I wouldn't fall asleep while I was working. And then I went upstairs to work on oysters and make cans and eventually I would sit with Jordan to make some backup cans for the drying shelf. We talked about some stuff politically that he is seeing recently and things about the Ukraine that I didn't know about. And it was interesting. But I was very tired and very much ready to go home.

James had gone in a long bike ride today to DC. And the plan was for them to get the 1:00 train and come home. But they missed the 12:45 and had to wait for the next one and then when they got on that train it made it one and a half stops and the brakes failed and they had to go back to DC and get on a different train. Apparently that one had waited 40 minutes so that they can combine the two trains together it was a whole thing but by the time I got home I only had to wait a few minutes and then James was here too.

I told James I was a very tired though and so we stayed on the couch for about an hour before we picked ourselves up and walked to the brass tap.

I feel like the last couple times we've gone there we kind of get abandoned. The food's always good but our waiter never comes back and gives us refills and that's very frustrating. But the food was nice and well we didn't talk a ton because I was so tired conversation we did have was really good. I love James so much and I love spending time with them.

I took half my sandwich home and we walked back here. It was such a beautiful day. And it's so nice seeing all the flowers blooming even if they are a little too early. I love the part of the year when we have flowering trees and I feel a little spoiled getting them so early.

When we got back here I went and took a shower and washed my hair. And then we got comfy on the couch. I got on my knitting stuff and my tablet to draw another sticker I had an idea for. And we watched The last of Us.

And this episode was really good. I am very concerned about what next week is going to hold but it's the season finale and I think they did a really excellent job with the show. And I'm just glad that Jeff and James convinced me to watch it. And I got four rows done on my knitting. Which I am very behind on. But I will find time to continue to get caught up this week. I don't need to get it completely out of control by missing another whole week.

Now I am in bed. I have been struggling to write this post for the last hour but James is taking a shower now so I'm trying to get it done so that we can attempt to go to bed very soon. Tomorrow I have an early starting and early ending shift at the museum and then I have to go to art with a heart to pick up my supplies for Wednesday. I'm very nervous! I've never picked anything up there and I'm sure I'm going to do it wrong somehow. Mostly I don't know which door to go to so I'm just going to go to the front and just be like hey please explain what I'm supposed to do. So wish me luck and I hope you have a great night. Sleep well and stay safe!

4 notes · View notes

emptifylie · 2 years

Text

TW: mention of calories

I AM SO FUCKING MAD AT MYSELF. i was doing literally so good with my fast like i didnt eat anything since 6-7 last night??????????????? and its 3 now and i WASNT EVEN FUCKING HUNGRY WHEN MY DUMBASS DECIDED TO BAKE. and baking always triggers binges for me but i never fucking learn but yeah :( i binged like 300 or so calories :/ not gonna eat for the rest of the day but still just so upset abt it cuz i wasn't even hungry.

#ana vent #anar3xia #4na tw #only pr0 for myself #tw ana thoughts #pro 4na

6 notes · View notes

indigo474 · 7 months

Text

Oct 15th- sunday funday

I've been nothing but tired and hungry all weekend. I've been sleeping really good and eating healthy food. lots of protein and veggies. i was tempted to order out tonight but decided against it. My body- oh my body.. I woke up with my back hurting.. and me being sore. i'm guessing from packing and picking up boxes and moving things here and there. i was thinking this must be how people feel when they complain about being/getting old. i did go for a run- it wasn't the best- my body just feels worn out. I got a lot done today... mostly everything is packed- i have a lot of clothes and a lot of shoes. too much- i think i will be unpacking forever.... I had to repack all of the old photo albums. i was able to skim through them without crying. i did get emotional when i found a picture of my Mom and Grandmom- ohh how i miss her. she was smiling big in the picture. thats the thing about pictures- they show the good times- the birthday parties and the holidays. everyone's happy and smiling.. how many nights did i sit in the front room scared to even move.. i would sit on the couch frozen waiting for him to go to bed so i could go in the kitchen and clean up from dinner. how great of a mom could i have been? I was there but not really there.. ahh and the more i'm able heal the more i realize how sick i was.. i just didnt know it.. and this is where self forgiveness come in.. the absolute hardest thing i have done and have to do is forgive myself-it's not something that is done once and move on.. oh no- it's just like everything else on this journey- the healing happens a little at a time.. it's a spiral.. things that would have floored me in the past.. no longer do. bit by bit- day by day.. i'm no longer clawing my way out of a black hole.. pain comes- pain goes.... sit with it, feel it, let it change you and let it go. weird i saw something today that i saw in a dream.. a procession of sorts.. i still don't know what i saw- in my dream i asked- what are they doing- who did i ask? I dont know, but i got an answer.. today i asked myself- i wonder what they are doing- very strange to me.. seeing something in my dreams and seeing it in real life. it's not the first time its happened. hopefully it wont be the last. its always odd- holy shit i dreamed this.. i fucking saw this in my dreams-it's normal in a sense because i'm seeing it for the 2nd time- and its happening.. but is it really normal? Someone said to me in casual conversation, yeah its like when birds fly into your car.. i didnt say anything at the time but i was like wow that happens to you to?? a few weeks later i asked her if she remembered saying that to me and she said yes it happens to me all the time.. i told her it happens to me too. I asked her if it was normal and she said she didn't know, i asked her if she thinks it happens to other people and she said she didnt know.. i told her i thought it only happened to me until she said it happens to her. she said weird stuff happens to her all the time.. me too, me too.

I cant believe this is really happening... i need to find someone that knows how do stuff. I need a new garbage disposal.. and a battery back up for the sump pump.. maybe i can do it by watching a few youtube videos. maddy is worried about money.. i am not. not yet anyway.. i dont want to worry... i want to enjoy this time in my life.. i want to enjoy my life period.. no worries.. just love .. its all going to workout.. all of it.. good things good things.. i have to believe in something.. i have to believe that what's ahead of me is much much better than that is behind me.. i haven't lived my best days yet. busy busy week..

0 notes

importantchildgardener · 1 year

Text

Chapter 3 - Of teenage years

Eventually as time went on, I grew up to be a teenager, and all of this time I was stealing money from my grandparents and my mother. What started as coins and small bills turned into medium bills as I grew older. I'm surprised I spent years doing this without anyone doing anything about it.

By the time I was around 11 to 13, it was the time when the hunger started happening. All my stealing had lead us to have some monetary issues. A lot of nights I would just go to sleep hungry, or drink watery sugar to combat the hunger, I remember I learnt to shallow air so my stomach would stop hurting for a while some nights.

My grandfather didn't really worry much about the state of food, I don't know if he would just buy expired food or what, but I was frequently sick, I would eat something and at some point in the night my liver would go insane and I would end up in the sofa, in pain. The hunger and this sort of situation just made me steal more, maybe I didn't see my mother much and there was not a lot of food for me to eat at home, but stealing some money I could buy food to eat. I remember once or twice I felt it was justified for me to steal, because 'they didn't love me anyways', that's what I felt back then.

Even though my grandmother and my mother didn't really give me that much love, my grandfather really loved me. He would give me all the love and attention the rest of my family didn't give me, in a way my grandfather and my dog chiquita were like my parents. I also had 16 cats at this point, and my grandmother was entering depression so she didn't clean the house much, things started getting dirty, really dirty.

You know, my mother never taught me to clean my genitals, nor did she ever taught me to make an habit of cleaning my teeth, somehow I ended up learing all of that by myself as the years went by.

At some point my grandparents house started smelling bad, really bad, I remember this because I Used to play videogames on a NES knockoff console when I was very young, with a friend, but at this point in my life my friends didnt want to come in cause the house 'smelled weird' My mother was dating my stepfather around this time, he gifted me a tiny radio I have to this day for christmas. I Don't know exactly when but at some point now when he was visiting he found a dead cat under the sofa, I guess that's just part of all the bad stuff that was happening at that house.

At first I really liked my stepfather, he bringed pizza to the house, I never had eaten something so tasty, it was my first time eating pizza and all and I grew up to love whenever he visited.

Eventually me and my mother started visiting his house, it was mostly on weekends. He was from another country but we lived in the frontier, so we could just visit his country and his house with a very short travel in car. It was nice I guess, I used to watch a lot of cartoons and also eat, I Really liked eating. I didn't eat meat though, All the meat I had eaten to that point was either hotdog meat or chicken thigh, I never ate any other kind of meat. He sort of forced me to eat meat, like sausage and other kinds of meat, I remember at first I didn't like it but eventually I started to not mind. My jaw used to hurt from eating it though, I wasn't used to eat things that were that tought.

I remember at some point we started spending a lot of time on his house, eventually we sort of moved with him. There wasn't any pizza any more and I had to walk 3 or 4 kilometers to school every day, but it was alright, we had food and that was nice, we had a PC at home too, with win98 and all, before that I had only ever used a PC with win95, and maybe winXP back at the cybercafe.

It was at this time that I started torturing cockroaches, I used to torture cockroaches in a lot of ways using toothpicks, I used to 'rape' them with the toothpicks and behead them and tear their limbs off, I don't know why I did all that. I was allowed to visit my grandparents too, and I did visit them a lot, I would walk a few kilometers to their house to see them and hang out with my friends… and steal money because at that point it was a habit. I'm really sorry for all I did.

Every year I stole more and more but especially on summer, on summer I would steal large quantities of money, almost all of their money because at summer my friends from the capital would come, I had two friends from the capital, those were some of the most fun times of my life, when they visited and we got to spend the summer together playing and filming sketches and going to the cyber and talking about anime…

Especially because at some point, I started going to my grandparents house only on weekends, because it was a bit of a problem, I would always come back late at night, around 9 or 10 in the night and I was just like 13 to 15 at the time. So I started being allowed only at weekends and I started to lose my normal friendships. Eventually I was alone, a quiet kid in school who got bullied and didnt do much to fight back, with no friends in school and no friends back at home, I would spend a lot of time watching television, playing by myself in the patio, on the computer and that sort of thing. I had actually one friend I visited back when I went once per week, I never saw him again once I finished school and started high school, that's when I truly started spending most of the year alone.

I think I was around 13 or 14 at the time when I started high school, my stepdad wanted me to move to his country and learn the language, so I did, the antisocial me that spent most of his time alone, with a ton of unaddressed problems and all my issues. I was extremely quiet at highschool. I didn't know the language that well yet, I didn't know anyone, it was a new culture, people were scary, I was scared. I was totally a big target for all sorts of bullying, for all sorts of things.

These were the most depressing times of my life. I was being bullied, I was still getting no love from my mother nor my stepdad really, I had literally not a single friend left because I had left them all, I barely visited my grandparents anymore and worst of all, I was a teenager now, fully hormonated 13 or 14 years old.

Somehow I made some 'friends' with the otakus cause I enjoyed watching anime. There was this sweet girl, oh so sweet, I thank her so much for all she did for me, G. She was my lifeline, she was my true friend, didn't care that I was ugly or unwashed or whatever didn't even care I was fruity or depressed. She was my friend back then, we would hang out at school and she didn't judge me nor anything of sorts, and I can barely express my thanks for that. Even my otaku 'friends' made fun of me and deemed me as some sort of second class 'friend', but her, that lovely girl she was honest on her feelings. She was my first and only friend back then, she made me happy for a year and a half or so, until one of my otaku 'friends' suspected she had feelings for me or something like that. And so they made a trap in which they convinced her to date him, and manipulated me into confessing to her through text, and basically fucked up our friendship. What a horrible bunch they were.

I think it was around this time that we moved to a new house, it was also around this time when I started hurting myself and also stealing from my stepfather, the memories of these years are a bit fuzzy because the only momments when I felt alive were at summer, so it feels like it was all a single year. Everything else is memories from high school or spending an unholy amount of time on the computer every day. I had no life for a few years.

First time I stole from my stepdad, first summer, he quickly found out. I bought a lot of pyrotechnia with his money, he got very mad, didn't hit me, but the abuse started here. He would drink, he would drink a lot, man I start to feel like i'm the bad apple that just putrifies everything around it. He developed a real drinking problem, he had sort of a drinking problem but he developed a more real one after that, even going as far as drunk driving.

But the drunk driving wasn't the worst part, the worst part was how he had this habit of sitting me on the table whilst my mom read on the computer and just verbally and emotionally abuse me, and this went-on for years. He would not insult me, it's kind of laughable to think of it just as insults, maybe he did throw an insult or two but those were not the things that hurt me. THe things that hurt me were everything else he would say. I Can't even recall what those things were, I Can only recall a single memory, of him saying I was looking at him with a face of rage, whilst I was crying, and I Remember how he bought a revolver and how he told me and he told my mother he would just shoot me if I were to try and take on him. I never, a single time felt like hitting him, nor felt enraged. Every night, every time, I would just cry and feel devastated over everything he said. I would just cry and feel guilty. I cried a lot, some nights I cried myself to sleep, some nights I gazed outside at the stars and the moon in the darkness, and I would wish I was dead, sometimes I would look down and wonder, if i jump just right, maybe if I Landed on my head I could kill myself.

My room was on a second floor, so I wasn't sure I would die, even if i landed in my head. I just wanted to be loved at this point, so I did my best to be a good boy, I tried doing things right like obeying orders and not disrespecting my parents and tried to get good grades, I got to be the best on the class at some point. I didn't get a nugget of love for any of this, nor a nugget of nothing really. I started to develop some serious problems, I would hurt myself badly, sexually, I would start to forget things and develop some serious depression and social anxiety, it was around this time I had my first panic attack.

I never went to the psichologist though, nor the hospital, not even when I almost cut a finger off by accident. Not even the dentist. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I had good grades but I commited the sin of stealing from my stepdad, so he kept on abusing me. I Remember one of the things he told me is how he could just send me to a reformatory, abandon me basically. Thanks, stepdad.

My desperation grew so bad at some point I started to wish I had been born a girl, that way at least someone would love me. I had multiple boyfriends online, for a while I was an E-slut. NEver sent a single photo, but I would erp all the time, what a bunch of weirdos honestly, I was a teenager back then, around 14 to 16.

Escapism became my main problem at around this age, I would spend all the time I Could playing WoW on a pirate server, and TF2 on steam, sometimes I would skip class to play C.S. 1.6 at the cybercafe with people from school, I developed some 'friendships' thanks to this at least, so I didn't fully depend on summer or online friends.

I caught my stepdad reading incest comics one time. I caught my stepdad complaining to my mother about how his dick was smaller than mine one time, he told her 'at least mine is thicker, right?' My stepdad would comment on how I slept naked in summer, and how my dick was hard when I slept, hard as a pole or something… My stepdad would fuck my mother loudly in their room, he knew I was downstairs. I would play music really loudly on my headphones and play some games and for the love of god try to ignore that. I kind of wnat to die when I Remember it all.

At 16 I decided to not cut my hair anymore, I also decided as soon as i was 18 I would leave, forever, no questions asked, nothing, just leave. These were the most painful times of my life, and I am 26 in about an hour.

I must thank my little pony friendship is magic and the amazing friends I met on a pony forum for carrying me through these years. The abuse just kept going, but my heart was guarded by cute ponies, getting lost on the magical world of equestria let me have a break from my life. But only for as long as I could watch it and think about it…Whenever my dad was being abusive, and those horrible nights after the abuse I could only stare at the stars, and plead to Princess Luna that I would not suffer anymore. And I would tell myself, just a few years, just a few years and i'd be free. Just a few years and i'd have control over my own life, just a few years and I'd be able to change my own life for the better.

As a footnote here, before my little pony, Lucky star really helped me out a lot, I think my desire to become a girl so I could be loved and have a nice life came out of association from watching Lucky star back then. I was totally putting myself in the place of konata, just being a happy girl or boy or whatever with friends and a nice family.

Curious facts: -I was both into anime and furries back then -Chiquita, my dear mom-dog moved with us at some point when i was a teenager, she lived with us till she grew older and she got cancer. My dad called a vet to put her down, he wanted me to hold her while the vet injected her with the deadly vaccine. I was crying so hard I Couldn't do it, I got mentally broken, I ran away crying and went into my room and cried for the rest of the day till my head hurt and I felt asleep. I think I woke up at night and started crying again until I passed out. -I went into a few lan parties at this age, all of them in summer obviously, my circle of summer friends grew a lot, most of my friends today are from that era since I got a lot of issues and i cant make friends easily/grow detached too easy -First time I went into 4chan was around when I was 12, barely knew english, this is when I started my first reaction pic folder -I always wanted to draw well and be a nice artist, I showed some drawings to my mother but she didn't care too much. -I Really liked neopets back then, it was in neopets that I met a very nice girl I Talk to this day with, she's K and she's my best girl friend -When I was around 17 my stepdad accused me of smoking weed and threatened to throw me out and wanted me to get a test, even though I didn't smoke weed, nor cigars, nor anything for that matter.

#child abuse #teenagers #self h@te #selfharm #tw self destructive behavior #cw #depressing stuff #tw depression #tw sex talk #i dont know what to tag #autobiography #NNAutobiography

0 notes