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dracosathenaeum · 3 years

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OBLIVIATE | D.M. ABANDONED FIC OUTLINE

Hello~

I’ve had this fic for @fuckingdraco ‘s writing challenge outlined for almost a year now. Half of it is a skeleton; i have some scenes which are fully written out and others which are just first drafts and idea dumps. this is quite literally copied and pasted so good luck if you read it.

I never had the heart to completely delete it but never liked it enough to write it; so here is my 2.2k draft fo what would’ve been a series.

If anyone decides to read it, be warned, it’s a mess. i just didnt want it to die in my notes so it’s having a life here, in my new section of my masterlist ‘fics that never saw the light of day’.

warnings: memory loss, fight scenes, gore, fighting

Being in a secret relationships had its ups and downs

You had to sneak around

But that just made the moments you were together so much more meaningful

You couldn’t brag about him to your friends

But the both of you were quite private people anyways, explaining your absences as studying in odd places

No one ever found out

It was just you and draco

The summer of 5th year was hard as he spent all of it in the south of France with his family

But it made coming back in 6th year so much more exciting

your fingers ached to touch him as you walked past his carriage

It was moments like this that you wish you could openly love him

But when your friends started gossiping about how Harry Potter thought he’d become a death eater, you were suddenly glad you weren’t linked to him publicly

That thought itself set a heavy weight of guilt on you

He came back in 6th year and he had changed

His kisses lost their spark

His eyes lost their light

He’d fuck you rough and hard, almost as if forgetting himself. Before making it up to you in the next instance

Slow love making that made you feel like you had just slept with an entirely different person

You followed him

You supposed you shouldn’t have

But he was skipping meals and you couldn’t exactly talk to his friends when they didn’t know you

You couldn’t confide in your friends as they wouldn’t understand

So you had no other choice

You followed him throughout the nights, and every time you would find him slipping into the room of requirement when he should’ve been slipping into bed with you

Once you had gauged what time he usually went and on what days you yourself went, 10 minutes before he was due

You watch as he fiddles around some ancient looking cupboard and you wonder why you’re jealous of a dead tree taking up dracos time

You watch as he sends things through, until finally it works for him

But its not happiness on his face nor relief

It looks like dread

He doesn’t look like he’s accomplished something, no there was no way

You watch as he takes off his tie, throwing it in the pile of robes and jumper

You watch as he rolled up the sleeves to his arms, the arms that had held you up more times than you could count

And you watch as the dark snaking lines of the dark mark are exposed on your lovers skin

His eyes whip round to see yours, instantly widening in fear

It isn’t until you try to walk towards him and he throws his hands up to stop you do you realise the shattered glass littered around you

He flicks his wand and you walk over, standing in front of him trying to figure out why

“How did you hide it from me for so long.”

“Simple charms, I was hoping you wouldn’t have to find out.”

More dialogue where he explains

“I don’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice.”

Draco please

“I can’t, I had to take this on my skin because my father fucked up”

“If I, if I stop now, I cant save my mother”

“Draco please, we can find a way around this”

You kiss him

And it feels like you’ve both gone back to before 6th year

When times were simpler

When he loved you and you loved him and that was it

No other interruptions

“Oblivate”

PART 1

“Y/n?”

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”

“Draco Malfoy, we share some classes but we haven’t spoken before.”

“Oh, im sorry, of course. I’m really tired I dont usually forget peoples names I swear. I must’ve been so tired I wandered in, I apologise.”

“It’s okay, the doors over there.” You take that as his polite cue of asking you to leave

He offers a tight smile, one you remember from first year, one you remember seeing across the hall as he’s shut down by Harry Potter

Poor guy must be going through something

“Y/n”

you turn, you dont even hesitate. You dont know what it is but you feel as if you’ve known him all your life

You change and you see a gold ring dangling from a dainty gold chain. You ask your friends if they’ve seen it before

im forgetting so much these days

But you keep it on, it brings you an odd sense of comfort

You keep it tucked beneath your blouse, bringing it to you lips on occasion when youre anxious.

He had forgotten about his ring, the very ring you had clasped between your thumb and finger as you worked on your essay. How was he possibly supposed to get it from you

he’s well aware he’s staring but his mind is whirling

He needs that ring

“Draco, isn’t that your ring?”

He should’ve obligated himself, that might’ve been easier

“I’m sure it just looks similar.”

“Draco, we both know that’s the Malfoy famlily crest, I wondered why you stopped wearing it.”

“Wait did she steal it?”

misplaced it

She picked it up

He had to awkwardly walk over to pick it up

“That’s my ring.” You had told him all about how your friends hated him and how you had feigned indifference the entire time

He had to act the part

Youre flustered, eyes flicking between the ring and him, fingers clasping it tighter as if not wanting to let it go

He notices and his heart clenches at the sight

Remembering the night he gave it to you

*flash back*

“I’m so sorry, I must’ve picked it up by accident here.”

“Wait, how do you even know it’s his, prove it Malfoy.”

“My vaults could buy Hogwarts, why would I be stealing gold from a nobody?”

Your cheeks flare up and your friends glare at him but see his side

You struggle to unclasp it, and of course you fucking do because his stupid fucking ass charmed it so only he could take it off

he watches as you struggle with it, turning to a friend to help before you have 6 girls pulling at the very expensive chain on your neck

“For fucks sake youre going to damage it, let me.”

Your breath hitches as his surprisingly warm fingers brush your hair out of the way, fingers working quick to unclasp the necklace, the weight of it leaving your neck and you feel surprisingly empty

“Thank you.”

You watch as he goes, your fingers scratching over your neck, feeling something bubble in your throat

This was pathetic, you were so sad over something that was never yours in the first place

You spend the remainder of the time trying to figure out how you cam to be in possession of it in the first place

your name is written in beautiful cursive on a letter that you cannot help but love

You turn it over to see a beautiful wax seal on it, fingers trembling as you break it

The chain is yours.

d.m.

You tilt the envelope over into your hand to feel the familiar weight of the chain in your hand, clasping it around you neck in an instant

You look in the mirror but you dont recognise yourself

Your friends are surprised when you study with them

When you go back to your dorm room at a reasonable time

And you dont have a clue where it is they think you go

But how could you possibly explain to someone what you font remember

The chain is too light around you neck, its just not the same, it feels as if it’s chocking you rather than bringing you comfort

You start digging through your trunk and draws, looking for something to act as a pendant before you finally do.

Hidden at the back of one of your draws you find a little velvet box you dont remember stashing away. But then again, you dont seem to be remembering much these days.

Its a tiny little constellation of stars, charmed to sparkle and you heart wonders why you had never worn it before. It was a simple little charm but once hooked onto the necklace, you look at yourself in the mirror and finally feel as though a little part of you has returned.

PART 2 THE CONSTELLATION IS DRACO

6th and 7th years are a blur

A blur of horror

You dont really understand how life had changed so abruptly

You dont know how you end up fighting in a war at the age of just 18 but here you are

Draco stands with Hogwarts

And then his mother calls

You’ve seen him

Of course you have

You know what he is, know what his parents are

But you also know what he has done to make Hogwarts more bearable for you under the Carrows watch

The small things, diverging attention away from you and your friends

He wasn’t evil and some part of you knew that

You watch as he takes a shuddering breath and starts to walk

You watch as no one stops him

You watch as he loses more of his soul with each step towards mr no-nose

You dont know why you do it

You run

Your friends call your names, teachers joining in

They think youre joining the other side, they think youre fucked in the head, as they had since that incident in 6th year

But no, you were just missing something

you catch up to him pretty quickly, pulling him to a stop

“Ah, another to join my cause. Welcome young lady.”

“You know me. Im missing something but whenever I’m with you, whenever im holding this stupid constellation close to my heart, I feel at ease. Why”

he stares at you incredulously, and why wouldn’t he. Youre in the middle of a battlefield, Harry Potter has just been declared dead and Voldemort is less than a meter away

But you dont feel scared

And you feel stupid for not feeling scared

“It has felt like I dont even know who I am for the past 2 years, what did you do to me?”

You know everyones watching, you can hear the gasps on both sides as they think the worst of him

“I did what was necessary.” That was the first time he had spoken more than 2 words to you since he had gotten his necklace back that day in the library

“Draco, this is no time to be flirting. Come join me, bring her with you if you want.”

He tenses as voldy rests a boney hand on his shoulder, pulling him towards the other side, away from you

“If you won’t be joining us, we will use you an example of what will happen if you dont join us.”

You stare at him unfazed, fear was something you had gotten used to

Your fingers grip your wand in hand, running through all the spell harry had taught you in the da but its not enough

You are no match for voldy as he throws an unforgivable at you

You hear screams around you but all you hear is silence, as if the world had finally gone silent

Draco watched as the spell hit you directly in the chest. He had spent 2 years living with his actions all for it to have gone to naught in a single second

He watched as the light from his wand hits you

Before rebounding off you as if it hit a shield

There’s a flash of black and his mother is infront of him, wand out from deflecting the spell from bouncing back and hitting him

“Mother?”

“She’s important to you?”

“She gave him one of the fucking family heirlooms, either she’s important to him or he’s an idiot”

His parents were… bickering in the middle of a battle

voldy recollects himself but before he can talk neville speaks up “I have no idea what’s going on but-”

Draco drowns out the noise as he stares at you on the floor, youre covered in dust and in blood but youre alive

He hears screams as harry rolls from hatreds arms, he hears the cries from death eaters but all can see is you

“We’re switching sides now?”

“I mean he’s fairly distracted, he won’t have time to hunt us down, we owe it to our son.”

Fight scene

You remember everything

Fred Weasley teases the both of you, “we have a war to win, you can fuck later.”

He copy his lazy grin, a grin that lights you up, a grin that reminds you what’s left to fight for

You see the spell before he does

Youre in an arms reach of him but Draco cant reach you in time

You push Fred to the floor, putting yourself in the line of fire by default and draco has to watch you get hit all over again

“We need to talk about what exactly it is ive been wearing around my neck this entire time.”

“I think only my mother can answer that.”

[if you made it this far, send me an ask with the word ‘chicken’ and i’ll send you a cursed photo xx]

#draco #draco malfoy #draco x reader #leaving this here to die #officially giving up on this fic #rip

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dedeuteros · 3 years

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Ouuhh wait i forgot i wanted to blab last week. Last ever season of ballroom dancing or whatever we do </3 First dance was last week, had another one tonight. Its so weird bc its like lolzies i just do this sometimes for funzies . But this is my 7th year hot damn. I cant recognize more than maybe 4 dances by name, but i suppose im well aquatinted with the moves at this point. Liikkeee its truly wild watching 6th graders coming for their very first dance clueless beyond measure knowing nothing. Like whaaaatt you dont know how to stand in a circle????? (Actually, i dont blame them its a lot to take in, but theres a point where i cant tap a pair for the 10th time telling them to turn 45 degrees . Like babes ur doing great but why are u standing like . Its like this - - - / - -?? Bc if there were more space it might not be a problem but if the direction is a basic forward then eventually they start running into peoples sides while the group is stepping straight in and out of thebcircle.) anyways.

Like i know i didnt know which foot i was on was important until liiikee my 4th or 5th year. Hypocrite that i am lol. But also im not surprised bc trying to explain to kids which foot is never pleasant. If theyre confused theyre usually confused beyond saving and u just gotta shrug ur shoulders together and go. Yeah we’ll be fine go get em tiger. (Unrelated i wish line breaks werent so massive holy shit)

So super fun. Being afab in this location. I dont mind dresses et cetera, love them generally, but the lack of freedom in what i can wear is ehhhh. I usually just, dont think abt it bc i like dancing anyways and im too distracted by counting out the steps. BUT! usually the ratio of girls to boys in older groups is not so even, so instead of lettingvthe kids dance among themselves we (junior helpers) have to deploy the full set of ourselves to dance as gentlemen (much to the dismay of the guys in my age group who would rather not dance at all, despite .. where we are) so yours truly, liking to dance as often as i can, gets to be a funny little man in a dress for the night! Im always nervous for the parents who might be snooty abt their daughters dancing with “another girl” but the girls themselves seem fine. One real lovely lady was even so kind as to tell me my hands were far less sweaty than most guys <3 (not true but I appreciate it)

The age (7yr) old issue is that in these dances the “gentleman is the leader” so given they know the dance (often do not) and have the confidence (a handful do not hide how much theyd rather be somewhere else) they would lead and ladies should follow (“even if hes wrong” which i would call bullshit on if i wasnt messing up the same amount). SO since they lead, the steps are such called for them. To begin teaching most dances, the director also calls for the girls but after a while ur expected to either know or be able to follow. I’m pretty practiced in my left and right and their reversal. Tldr: ive learned absolutely everything completely backwards so even if the director calls basic left, I automatically move right.

Trans and masc girl wins in the house this year!!! Its been a mess to some degree, since both wear suits/ vests. Ive been called over a few times to fill in bc “two boys are dancing together” and just had to tuen my ass back around. Ladies wear gloves <3 at least at their lvl, im ant to start bopping my boys on the head if they keep doing that. BUT i havent talked to one of them. But. The smaller lady was having trouble so i was trying to help out and stay near (bc even tho i hate the dress code, i do understand that its easier to have less confusion in switch partner dances if theyre all dressed distinctly “girl” or “boy” . We had no small amount of confusion tonight) uhhhbb uhh. O yea i was just sticking with her and making sure the partner switching wasnt getting messed up and . Idk just generally making sure she was getting help when she seemed confused. Normally i feel awful being hovery when a pair keeps messing up and i correct them bc i know they dont understand my correction anyways and they feel bad for being singled out. But im fucking cryng. She said thank u for helping :^(( no one ever ever says that and ive been helping for like 3 years. Made me so so happy i hope shes well

OUUHHHG TONIGHT WE DID THE TANGO!!! not rlly The Tango. A terrible childrens edition cannibalized version of the tango </3 i dont think ive done it in YEARS???!$& but its one of my favorites!! Got to do it with two groups!! So not only twice, but also different guys . One of them was better, but one of them was also not an 8th grader . I think. We actually had an 8th grader filling in since my helper group has gotten smaller over the years. Anyways i LOVE when we do like. The waltz and the tango bc they have, for what i assume is every year since i started, played the same shitty ass busch gardens ass royalty free music. I CANNOT take it seriously . Ouhhh but also since one of the groups that tango ed was older, it was a few more steps. The variety that keeps me awake after nearly 6 hrs.

Anyways i could talk abt this a lot more but eye am SO sleepy so if i remember I’ll probably jus add onto this tomorrow <3 bc idk its kinda geeky and not impressive to most ppl so i dont get to talk abt the lil details but its been ALMOST 7 YEARS!!! I have a lot to say!!!

#ad rambles #long post

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echoisfailing · 4 years

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Robin Story Part 3

(A/N) okayy so this got a little a tiny bit of Shameless season 1? I think it was were Monica comes back and make Fiona feel like shi but on the bright side robin is actually in this part so i can only do my best (am aware i said id do no angst for right now but i also didn't expect to get into a series so) Also v sorry cuz im really bad at capturing already made characters so Robin might not be herself but shes confident around Steve but i honestly dont think she would be at school especially around someone she liked.Warning:Homophobia!!!!!

Word count 1573 posted on 8-20-20

I take a deep breath before calling the last number I have for my parents. It rings about three times before I hear her voice. It should feel like a breath of fresh air but instead i get choked up. But i don't have that type of time so i swallow it and after her 3rd hello i say. “Mom, it urgent you and dad need to get here or you are gonna get in serious trouble and we might be taken. You know where we live the cops come on the 25th. See you before then.” I say and hang up. I didn't even let her talk who knows i may have been breaking up. She may not care. All we do now is pretend everything is okay. I decide to tell Michelle and we collectively decide to not tell Eric unless something is actually going to happen. So we go about our weekend like we do every week and on Monday we put on a false face. I walked into school straight to my locker where I saw Scarlet waiting. “Ugh, finally my weekend sucked, my mom made me go to a family reunion.” She grunted. I chuckled and opted out of telling her to make sure it didn't sound like I was trying out do her or something. We walked into first period and took our seats. And we went through all the classes normally until I got to 5th period chemistry. As soon as the bell rings our teacher tells us we are going to be put into groups of three for our lab. She lets us decide so I obviously choose Scarlet. “Maybe we should pick her she doesn't have a group.” She says pointing at Robin. “Okay, whatever.” I sputter out what am i supposed to say no please dont because if we do then i might turn into a blushing mess out myself. “Hey come be with us.” She calls out to her. “O-okay.” she mutters and walks over with her stuff. “I’m Scarlet. This is (Y/N). What's your name?” She chimed. “I’m Robin.” She says waving her hand. “What’d you do this weekend?” Scarlet asked, she is always really outgoing. “Not much i got a couple call backs to jobs but none of them really seem that good. what about you two?” She asked. “Nothing. I had to go to a family reunion which by the way who has a reunion before summer like our annual is in July but this year was May.” She finished her rant. “Not much just stayed home with my brother while my sister was out.” I answered. “Any job call you back?” She asked. “No i just applied at the one place, probably for the best.” We all went on talking as we did our project. She makes me super nervous, i keep on looking up at her just to see her face. Hoping that no one notices. But what i did notice is she has this blush she never has. The way she smiles at Scarlet almost makes me think she might like her. But that's impossible right I mean what's the odds of that? As we were cleaning up I heard her ask Scarlet. “Can i get your number? So we can like hang out outside of school?” Scarlet smiles and writes her name and number down on a piece of notebook paper. I was hoping she would ask for mine but she just went on like i didnt exist well no she talked to me and acknowledged me but not like she did Scarlet. When the bell rang I walked out with Scarlet and once we got half way towards her next class which i have to pass to get to mine she started chuckling. “Did you see her. She was practically drooling over me. It was hilarious.” She said still chuckling. “I didn’t notice.” I said which was kinda a lie. “One girl that was on her soccer team told me that Robin told her that she liked her. So it's not too far to think maybe. And then at the very end she asked for my number. I gave her Pizza Huts. That's so gross. Not to mention wrong.” She said making me feel like shit actual shit. “Well just in case it isn't true don't go around telling people. Don't want her to be ruined and it not be true.” I tried to reason. “Yeah, you are so right. Always my voice of reason. Bye, See you tomorrow.” She said going into her next class. God I hope I run into her before she calls. But will it help? I mean she’ll be embarrassed but will it make it worse if I tell her? Writing a note will obviously do no good because I have no balls. 6th and 7th period went by fast and just my luck i saw her headed to the band hall no doubt. “Hey Robin, I know I don’t know you like that and Scarlet will probably hate me for this. But when you asked for her number she gave you a fake one i'm so sorry.” I said then walked away really fast. When I got home there was a car in the driveway so I got off my bike and made sure Eric did too and we walked in the house, him behind me. Michelle was waiting by the door. She gave me a look saying it's them. I turned around. “Hey, remember how you said you missed momma and daddy? Well they are here but i don't know how long they are going to stay okay bud.” I told him before I opened the door he nodded but had a huge smile on his face that told me that he only heard his parents are home. Who can blame him. We walked in and mom shrieked “You are home! (Y/N) you have a call. Michelle you get more beautiful every time I see you. And my boy my baby!” I walked to the phone and rolled my eyes. She always does that always seem excited to see them but never me. I think she blames me because i was her first im what catapulted her into feeling bad for not being home. I put the phone up to my ear. “Hello?” I said. “Really you warned her are stupid? Or worse a F*****?” Scarlet shouted at me. “No, I just felt bad she didn’t deserve that even if she is you know.” I said. “Yes she does because it is an abomination. Its wrong and how dare she try to get my number?” She growled. “I disagree. Even if it is an abomination you are supposed to love everyone and being hateful because of one thing is also such.” I argued. “Oh my god, you are ruined. You have a crush on her! Have you ever had a crush on me. No dont answer and in fact dont ever talk to me again l*z*y.” She shouted, hanging up. Well this day couldnt get any better. “So as soon as this is over and you turn 18 you are out. You know that right?” My dad said. “Uh no? I didn’t can i get a reason?” I asked bewildered. “You called the cops on us and tried to get your siblings put into foster care did you seriously think we wouldn't know it was you. You have been ungrateful from the second you could understand things!” He shouted at me. “Do you seriously think i would do anything to put those kids out? Seriously. I raised them! You wanna kick me out fine but just remember who raised your kids. You realize I'm also your child right? You were supposed to love and protect me instead you left me all alone at 12 with kids to raise.” I calmly said, trying to remain calm. “Even if you didn’t, which I highly doubt, you still don't deserve the roof I give you, the food i pay for, or the clothes on your back which I so graciously allow you to have.” He said almost threateningly. “So what you put me out and then it’ll be Michelle whats gonna happen when you have no one to watch poor Eric?” I said mocking him a little. “When me and your mom leave again on the 1st we are taking Eric with us.” He informed. ��No you can’t do….” I started. “No you cant tell me what to do with my son.” he interrupted. “Like hell i can't. He knows me! He trust me! He misses you two because you come with false promises and then it ruins him when you leave again! And you cant take him because hes going to a science camp. Which he got into for free all by himself by winning 2nd place in his science fair and if he cant go it will hurt him.” I stated. “Well then we will just pick him up after camp on July 1st like we were gonna do.” He said with a sickly sweet smile on his face. “2 things. No you wont and thats also not what you said.” I snarkily replied. “Jesus Christ get out i dont want to see your face until 11. Now Get!” He yelled. So I left I got on my bike and headed to the mall.

#robin buckley x reader #robin buckley imagine #robin buckley #stranger things #stranger things imagine

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falconsandfishes · 5 years

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platonic relationship

i have a bone to pick with plato. see the socratic method is basically the scene in montynpython in which a woman is weighed against a peice of wood to determine if she is a witch. and this is pretty much also the measurement system women use for me judge a cardio junkie by his ability to withstand smoke fumes. ive been up all night listening to eminem because i wish that i had the mysogny that he had because logically i should be mad at these females who lie to me but apparently developmentally theyre limited.

so pretty much i just want my neck not to hurt and my side and platonic love isn really the kind which could support my lumbar spine but if you think im angry you are right and maybe if i rhyme my brain will work this time and ill finally be able to explain was never targeted at my objects of affections at all i like to walk around the mall see a cutie with a skirt on and she sees me looking at her tells her grandmother to leave her there because this place looks fun as she smiles at me there comes abu my friend who judges me and judges you and as i stare at her i can tell she wants me too probably more emotionally mature than my mom and a virgin with her skirt on and its workun but i have the confidence of a plastic bag floating in the wind shes cheesing while i hide behind her even though shes 4 11 and im 6 4 and because he was there i didnt pass because i dont cross paths but even thinking about having a girlfriend makes him mad. if shes too young for me i would have figured that out but it doesnt help that no matter how young or how old even the weather lady im told shes not right for me so will you make up your mind please can someone define maturity because apparently there is a reverse correlation between it and age and socrates was no sage im not really impressed that he drank poison similarly i smoke weed which takes me back to age three and birthday parties then i think about how much my life failed but only because everyone always stood in front of me. so snitch on me when i talk to you when youre in front of me at your desk and say your story about butterflies is the best begging middle and end. meawhile i havent even gotten to the first page of my legend of the sword it had a much more compliated plot which was cut off. then tell me i didnt count to tenthousand while you were listening to the teacher say the is spelled t h e and put me in a remedial reading class with a bunch of girls and address us as the girls so we can read books about a mouse who lives with his family in a house but if girls and boys are the same how can you explain i was the only one in that group to be bumped up to the advanced on by 2nd grade. i guess reading the encylopedia of animals wasnt a wase memorized their latin names bufo sativa phylobates. so by third grade i was getting so good at math that they took me out of class and had me testing material meant for 5th graders and it was really lame how can i explain all the flaws in the system to all the other people who were also ruined by it.

finally one girl who was definitely old enough for me waved at me when i looked at her and i got a boner and walked over to the ladies at the tea shop who looked at me with a disgusted look on their faces then some gangster looking dude older than i am replaces me with his hand on her shoulder.

before i was 18 i could beat up my dad and ever since then i knew not many people in my generation had much of a chance against me but i looked so thin they were not understanding. high iq causing depression have anothe smoke session even though you have athsma everyone remember to complain that i prefer to get high off one big hit i stayed in high school till i graduated but i left.

unfortunately with brain damage i could still make straight as which made me think i was ok gpa jumping above 3.68 when i only show up an agerage of 3 days.

practice your sky hook do your pushups get embaressed when an asian princess sees you do them 20 hanlaps perfect form and im not even a jock wow id better stop. next thing the girl i like is sitting on my lap in class telling me she likes me back shes sitting on my desk shes rubbing my face my life isnt gay justnsaynsomehing and youll get laid.

nah ill let some kid with adhd steal her seat and ill help him with math instead because i didnt tell her this but im alread braindead. my soul probably died with my pet lizard or my kitten perhaps it was internet addiction.

what makes you think youll be make it as a porn star? you know im hot. well maybe i just didnt want you to act like a slut. i still remember the blonde who waves at me and smiled my freshman year it was clear that the world was my oyster the only problem was i couldn make my own choices.

i wanted to be an actor but i was so good at acting nobody got it. was so good at debating everyone liked to argue. was so succinct couldnt get the last word. so fast nobody would pass me the ball so dominant in wrestling i had to pretend i couldnt win just to have a friend.

pretty much i feel like the last cro magonon stuck on an island without charlotte saisselin bounce baby bounce three story house you look so cute in a blouse. hey look theres charlottes stalker i think il wave my arms around.

bounce baby is a reference to eigth grade i was watching a 100 meter race and then some black guy said that she never raced again. weed turned her from a goth into a wigger and after that i figured id become one too but it wasnt till 2009 i started to dress like you. what happened was i got some clothes from olympia sports to wear as warmups on the basketball court and to work as a salesman i shaved my head smiled knowing i was dead but still i couldnt even say i wanted to kiss girl without that not being cool enough for my nephew and her bowl broke too

it fell from her car on the pavement and she said that he didnt even get to hit it.

so now im living in my dads room on the floor and finally my back isnt sore i have a well paying job im away from mom i have iron lungs and dad still doesnt approve because now i play too much basketball.

hi im interested in going to california. i meant connecticut but califonia will do since its warm there. sure steve come on out west but read the fine print your 20s are dead.

prove you wrong shame on me. dont prove you wrong brag proudly. stay out west and let your dad die. watch him act like an asshole at home back east one more time. your reward for having surived on the street for years as a middle clas kid

your friend says he thought you were dead. by the way he has this girlfriend in connectiut. oh you were the one who set him up with her? theres a whole website or three centered around her?

better get you to spend your money on heroin and make you seem like a jerk in front of my dad. my excuse is im skitzophrenic.

all because my dad shamed me for growing up even crazier than him. thats why i called up my friend and asked him to date my girlfriend.

there must have been something in those amphetamines which made me keep stopping at her house. i found them up on the shelf years after i tried to spill them out.

it was the first time an adult had ever called me immature. he also said my handwriting was bad and i needed a cure. talking to him i began to get red where even to begin? i have a lot of prblems at home and this isnt fair. see my dad camps in the yard and gets drunk watches us through windows andmy sister punches me in the head. mom pretty much works till shes in bed.

every day she watches the same soap opera and oprah which i record for her on tape. my sisters friends call me gay so i go over and play with the kids from the other neighorhood all day.

one of them listens to a lot of eminem. his favorite song is if you dont like it you can suck my dick. hes in reform school and proud to be off his meds. when i talk about biking down a steep hill and blending into traffic he thinks i meannliterall blend in.

two gay twin brothers end of the road honor roll kids. play baseball and have alcoholic parents. hey ill tell the girl steve likes he likes her then she will never talk to him again. accept his chalenge to a fight and he will bang my head into a tree which is the same thing i did to another kid who tried to jump me but got sperated from his friends.

refuse to dance with the only girl in middle school who has hips. make fun of the girls intelligence who sits next to you in math and has giant tits. refuse to eat candy off the first girls tounge then your science teacher who pushed pills on you flips on the tv its 911

stare at a girl all day and say you dont like her. girls think youre gay if you have a boner. telll me a calculator doesnt mattrer for a test but i do worse without one. make a flag pencil it isnt cool enough for the other kids.

sit with the retarded kids timmy and jimmy. watch nick all night fresh prince and bill cosby.

your sister wont stop torturing you so hold her at knife point. buy knives at school try to resell them and for the first time ever the kids you sold them to ge caught witth knives.

stay in the program with three teachers who gave up on you. one leaves to become a dean suddenly your grades go up. kids are jealous because you dont do homework. girls smile at you knowing that your test scores are high despite that.

throw shotput as far as a high school kid without any exercise or practice. run around the track dozens of times in pants you still arent good enough yet.

go to an alternative program reluctantly in high school its sort of like jail. everyone smells like cigarettes the air is stale. this isnt good for you but we will make you think if you leave you will fail.

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maxfieldandmorgan · 4 years

Text

Prompt: “write about home”

feb 12

“Home”

Home... what happened at home? Outbursts at Christmas why even bother opening the presents anyway thanks for spending the money you worked hard for it fucking suffered for poured your life and soul and blood for countless hours on the road and spent most of it on shit no one needed and chocolate and lottery tickets to maybe escape and now we can’t even pretend to enjoy this i told you i didnt need anything,

thanks for the toothbrush, no, really, thanks for the toothbrush

whispering in the stairs, money money money, not enough of it, pay the bills, that was your half, i need forty dollars for gas, i gave you my half of the mortgage, i need money for batteries for the remotes, why even whisper i can hear you the walls are fucking cardboard, and i have to cry silently, except you don’t even hear it,

and it surprises you when i tell you i want medicine, when both my hands are broken and bleeding and where did this aggression come from, it was beaten into me and i have to beat it out, break your spine over a bagel, make you cry, your nose as a joke, that’s all a fucking joke, you people are just two dying children and i feel so sorry for you,

and now i’m a fucking joke too, because i let myself become one of you

get off the stairs! you’re going to break them, only one person allowed on the stairs, stop running on the landing! why are you breaking things, please don’t break anything, who’s pounding! so worried, what are you worried about? what are you really worried about? what was it like to be 19? what was it like without him? what was it like when he came back, were you 3? what was it like to have them coming in and out of the house, cursing you out, worthless, good for nothing, using, cut a man in half with a hammer, hid in your house, the sirens blaring, the choppers, what was it like

i need to know because this is trapped inside me, these lives i didn’t live are boiling in my blood, i beat it into submission, fight it, hurt it, cut it, and it’s only me i’m killing, i need to know, i need to know, I NEED TO KNOW

throwing glass on the kitchen floor, i don’t even remember what we were fighting over, probably because you weren’t listening, play the victim, play the victim, learn to play the victim, where’d you learn it from? maybe because it worked. worked for you. worked for me. i refuse to play the victim. you refuse to listen. refuse to change. not my problem. i can change. i’m still changing.

i still change, or try to change, day by day.

crying in the shower, maybe we should talk about it, maybe that’s what you’re worried about, maybe that’s what we’re all worried about, dying, all your friends are dying, you’re ignoring the fact you’re dying. letting it slip at the dinner table, in front of your parents, in front of your kids, how long? i mean the antidepressants, and then off the medicine, i mean how long? they weren’t working, but how long? sons crying while they hold each other, he thinks he would be the cause, can you imagine?

letting it slip, you want to fucking kill yourself

dealing with it, dealing with it, dealing with it. Looking at the screen. looking at the screen. swiping, clicking, watching, passive, behind, ignoring, searching, always on the screen.

Maybe not the home you thought I’d write about. But it’s the home I’m thinking about right now.

How many homes. Years, homes, faces, people, changes, changes, welcome, love, hate, out the door, get out of my home, leave, Home. I left.

thank you for welcoming me into your home. nice to meet you dad. nice to meet you mom. sister. brother. i’m only here for a little while, don’t get to know me too well.

Home.

you have a lovely home. robbery. drugged, *****, twice, in your lovely home.

get me the fuck out of here. get out. i want to go. lying so we can keep driving through the crying. i’m going to drive onto the other side of traffic and kill us both. screaming. apologizing. lying to keep driving.

noise complaint. you have to leave. security is knocking. 3 am. sorry, we’ll keep it down. kicked, scratched, bitten, why? because you grew up in a lovely home.

How many plastic trash bags filled, and refilled, thrown, and thrown away, again again again. years torn up, piled up, bagged up, and thrown away. memories, dollars, minutes, bagged up, and thrown away. body bags of past lives thrown into trash compactors. one after one after one.

Raking leaves, allergies, asthma, hives, rash, throat swelling, onto the tarps, raking leaves, pulling tarps, dumping tarps into the woods, pulling the tarps back across the street. Raking leaves. ticks and the disease. is that the reason? searching frantically, purchasing and stock piling pills, is that the reason? is that the reason?

Late for jazz band. Late for breakfast. never talking about it. but talking about it in the pain, talking with the eyes. I wish we could talk about it. I wish we didn’t have to. I wish you didn’t have it. I wish I wish I wish. But even when I was done wishing and tried helping tried changing tried saving tried this tried that tried everything. who the fuck deserves it?

Even the cats are dying, fluid in the lungs, fluid in the lungs, fluid in the lungs, pipsi, halo, binx. are we dying?

I’ll put you out in the cold. we are all out in the cold.

Home.

Sharing a bedroom, sharing a mattress, sharing this sadness, sharing this life. days and days turn into years, and why were you the one who got kicked out? victim. i was still afraid of the dark. still afraid of the dark.

How many tears did we refuse to share. i couldn’t be the only one. i wonder how often.

Cold. So cold. Sleeping in the living room. Candles burning. Candles snuffed out. The smell of smoke. The smell of kerosene. Sloppy joe mix heated on the gas stove, 5 days straight. Snow melted with boiled water in the bathtub drink and flush the toilets. All the blankets, the flashlights out of batteries, cold.

Thunder. Thunder and lighting in the summer. Standing outside, strike me. Licking the rain droplets off the screen door. The taste of zinc, the smell of rain, the feeling of wood.

Railroad tracks. Pennies flattened by 10,000 tons of steel going a million miles an hour, the roar. Pressing the still hot piece of metal into my palm.

Fridge is empty.

Hot. The glass fogged, the mirror steamed, hot, the sound of crickets, cicadas, raindrops, hot. Baked in, sealed in. Laying on top of the sheets. Fans blowing dust.

receiving a letter in the mail just now, signed Christine I Coultrip, new signature, no Branson

Why is this the home I’m thinking about?

I want you to know where I came from. I want you to know the things that go unspoken. I want you to know why I think the way I think. I want you to know why I do what I do.

I want you to know these things.

Where is home?

Is it a hot bath to come back to, after you can’t feel your fingers, your toes, your nose, ears, can’t feel not even your thoughts or feelings, a bath to relax in, to burn in. to get as far away from for as long, from you, and from it, and from it all, but how long can you really get away? and do you ever really get away?

is it a mattress to fall down on, to spread out, to turn off, to get hit by the fan, turned off entirely, to drown it out, to watch yourself from the outside, until you disappear, and then reappear, and walk through hell, just to fade away in the evening again, when does it end?

is it a desk to sit at, to scribble notes, to make plans, to check boxes, to create lists, to “work,” to list items, to count dollars, to save pennies, to open a letter, to put receipts, to make an attempt, an honest attempt?

is it a stove to make the beans just hot enough to eat right now because you’re so fucking hungry and you’ve got 22 cans left and you might as well.

What is home?

What does it mean to be homeless?

Maybe part of home, part of where you came from, part of who you are, are the things you can’t leave behind, or choose to grow out of, or choose to leave, or maybe if you can’t, have to come with you, are part of the deal, maybe home is where the heart is

We are the people who walk through these hallways, sleep in these beds, have these conversations trapped in the walls, knocking to get out, open and close doors, enter and exit, use and be used, we are these people... inhabiting these spaces, these moments, these memories, we are these people.

What choice do we have in the matter?

I struggle every day to understand.

I want to build a home. I want to be a home. I want to be home.

I want to show our son or daughter home movies. 3 years old, birthday party, birthday cake, icing, decorated, laughter, friends, old, birthday boy, running around, “look at me!” look at you.

I want to hold my wife. to still kiss you, even though we aren’t 20 anymore, even though the years are there, everything in between the smiles is there, still kiss you, happy anniversary, i love you.

i want to put the kids to sleep, and talk about your day, how was work?

i want to pick the perfect curtains, no not those ones, you don’t like that color, does this come in a different fabric?

Home is miles and years away... behind me and in front.

5th grade art class drawing of my house, a way to teach us “perspective” now looking back, a different kind of perspective

I guess you can’t ever really run away from home.

---

Maxfield

0 notes

teamkaiforever · 7 years

Photo

Under The Stars

(requested by anon)

Kai Parker x Reader word count: 4 561 warning : smut summary : Reader feels insecure because of all the supernatural girls throwing themselves at Kai and she doesn’t feel like she is good enough. * not my gif keep reading after the cut😈 ______________________

Almost a year since Y/N and Kai had started dating and every day felt like the first. They loved , supported and cared for each other more than any of them would care to admit. Their life together was perfect , well as perfect as life in Mystic Falls could be with all the supernaturals. There hadn’t been any threats lately , so from that side things were calm but from the other - word had spread about Kai being the all powerful leader of the Gemini coven (even tho most of them were dead) vampire witch hybrid. A lot of vampires and witches even werewolfs rolled into town to meet him and every single girl of them threw herself onto him. They’d giggle around him , laugh at his jokes even when they weren’t funny , feeling his musles , buying him drinks… Y/N knew he loved her and she had seen multiple times how he turns the girls down because of her , but the more that happened the more Y/N felt like she wasn’t good enough for him. Like she was holding him back from the life that he could have with a supernatural girlfriend. Being human felt amazing but the past few months it felt more like a burden. They had talked about her turning into a vampire but he kept insisting on her staying human , at least for the time being. Y/N knew it wasn’t because he didn’t want her to be one , he just wanted her to have a full human life , for as long as possible before their eternity together begins. Only until that happened , there was a lot of time and he could change his mind about being with her… and that only fueled her insecurity about not being enough.

MASTERLIST March / April 2017 MASTERLIST MAY 2017 MASTERLIST JUNE 2017

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aphrodit-e · 7 years

Note

1-30 for the gay ask game hunty

god this is gonna be long and if this keep reading thing doesn’t work I’m gonna fill up some dashes

1. something casual like even just going to someones house would be nice because being a very stereotypical gay boy i hate being in public with guys i like because straight girls can be very obnoxious about those sort of things (like seriously… let me interact with boys in peace without you screeching at me)

2. uh i dont have many things for a type but i guess ive been told i like guys with more hooded eyes (which i dont notice but also i dont spend long looking at eyes) also like Pecs. big pecs but not pure muscle because that is scary but like a good mix of like fat and muscle is really good a little chub but still muscle and guys who are cute and nice but also look like they would hold up fine in bed.

3. possibly

4. adoption

5. ive never been on like an official date so yeah…

6. im a virgin so no hoe stories yet

7. i love the night but also being up early in the morning is nice and im less sloppy so lets go morning

8. napping is nice but also i dont like sleeping around people i dont know well

9. when theyre so dark i can barely see the pupil i love it

10. i have 4 cats and a dog so i plead the 5th

11. yeah? why would that change anything

12. if they get angry easily. i get really anxious and freeze up if people start getting angry and especially violent not even towards me just around me in general

13. i didnt really have much aside from like all gay guys are super feminine and all lesbians are butch

14. stop pretending youre not gay we all knew honey… thinking youre sneaking starting @ those bulges in the underwear section who nasty bitch

15. doesnt apply

16. this guy i technically “dated” back when i was like 13-14? i just got into middle school and he was like a graduated senior and he was my friends brother and he set us up and it was overall a bad experience

17. cafe gay im too shy for a club (and i cant legally go to one!)

18. no one i dont trust straight girls enough to ever be with one

19. video game (i mean im running a video game blog)

20. ive never really had many but lets be real Guy and Kakashi had something going on there

21. @ onlinekyne does really good drag wig and makeup tutorials

22. ive never asked anyone out i live in the bible belt

23. never anything more than just a passing thought

24. not unless you count having a crush on a guy for 2 years straight and never talking to him

25. i dont! unless its a muscle-y guy because i dont typically like that and i would never want myself to be overly muscular or toned

26. i dont really know any artists that are definitely lgb? i should probably fix that

27. i pretty much am still a baby gay but dont be afraid of doing things that would make you “stereotypically gay” as long as you do what genuinely makes you happy

28. I’m out to anyone who knows me at school and thats about it (which is usually people going “are you uh… gay?” and me responding “yeah”)

29. any straight girls who obsess over me and want me to be all fierce and be like yas queen slay bitch 24/7

30. I’m currently still in that position but no matter how awful it is please take your own safety as your first priority, even if it means hiding who you really are from your family and friends. I might still be waiting for it but I promise the day will come where you can openly be yourself without fear

#ask #yall are gonna learn a Lot because i overshare over anything

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eggroll-sushi · 7 years

Note

1-150 ask mem

first of all, fuc k yoou

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

my mom??

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

outgoing around friends

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i dont know, ive heard that no one really hates me but like i find it difficult to find someone who i actually enjoy talking to

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

i dont really have any interest in anyone rn so... yes? id take care of myself

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

so far everyone that ive liked is a either a nerd or a pretty shitty person so like ,

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

in what way?? idk im still thinking of this oe guy he had his pants pulled up pretty high with a tight belt on and a big nose. im not thinking in a romantic way or anything i just... it was a weird combination. . ..his hair was ok i guess

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

uh yeah if its not in the brash or crude humor way

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

you

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“probably”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

killer - bastille, yeah i dont have any others that stand out particularly

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

i have curly hair so we just both suffer if they try running their hands through... but if i had a romantic s/o i probably wouldnt mind bein petted

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yes? i think so

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i hung out with friends a lot.. .i think i dont remember

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yeah i lovemy mom

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

scary either way.. but the universe is pretty big so i guess

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

not really theyre an asshole mostly

19. Do you like bubble baths?

i havent taken a bath in like 4 years.. but yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

we do not talk

21. What are you bad habits?

being rude and disrespectful and aggressive

22. Where would you like to travel?

europe.. japan.. idk

23. Do you have trust issues?

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleeping and eating

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

i really dont know.. its like an all around tie.. .

26. What do you do when you wake up?

brush teeth and wash face, change into outside wear if im going outside, lotion my face and put on mascara, make tea/breakfast

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

overall just smoother.. like a more even tone.. but darker i guess

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

y ou

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

ive dated.. once but i didn’t even like the guy.. i just said yes because it was like. .mmkfkucin 5th grade and then he broke up with me (i didnt care tbh) and then asked me back?? it was weird because he told me he was breaking up because he found.. someone hotter or something and they said if he dumped me they would date him and they didnt.. .it was wild tbh i dont really know why they did this it was like 6th grade. ......... ... .anyways

30. Do you ever want to get married?

theoretically, yes? but idk it seems exhausting and i cant grasp the concept of someone actually liking me for so long

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

fuck i dont know i dont really think about that buds

33. Spell your name with your chin.

gthhju-asnhhy

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

no unless robotics counts

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yes

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i just try to do something funny

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

nice, a kind person, likeable, liberal, ,

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

tjmaxx, marshalls, burlington. i go stright to that mf clearance section

40. What do you want to do after high school?

perferably die, but thats unlikely so i wanna go into a good college, make friends, get a decent job

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

my mind says yes but my heart says no

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

1) tired 2) mad 3) i cant/dont wanna make conversation 4) im just .. zoned out

43. Do you smile at strangers?

if they smile first

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

im fucking terrified of both

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

i have to go to school or i feel like shit

46. What are you paranoid about?

every time im disrespectful, aggressive, or really any action that i make

47. Have you ever been high?

48. Have you ever been drunk?

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

sure

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

it was a brownish orange (a coat with a hood)

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

give myself a massive sponge dick

53. Favourite makeup brand?

i dont really wear makeup.. i like ChapStick

54. Favourite store?

tjmaxx

55. Favourite blog?

@eggroll-sushi

56. Favourite colour?

orange? either a peachy orange or a borwnish orange. but i can appreciate a good palette

57. Favourite food?

id say pho but i like a lot of foods

58. Last thing you ate?

oreos and milk

59. First thing you ate this morning?

blueberry english muffin with honey butter

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

recently my team won a robotics comp

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

62. Been arrested? For what?

jesus no

63. Ever been in love?

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

well ... my mo was telling me goonight-- (i havent had one)

65. Are you hungry right now?

yeah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

my tungle friends are also my irl friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter (i dont use either)

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr? i hate it tho

69. Are you watching tv right now?

n o

70. Names of your bestfriends?

you know who

71. Craving something? What?

food.. savory junk food........olives, nachos, ,,

72. What colour are your towels?

white

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

two, but i have 3 on my bed

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

i just keep em on my bed yeah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

4 on my bed (god bless your soul, okoshi, wherever you are) but like.. 10 total?

75. Favourite animal?

cat but i also like most animals

76. What colour is your underwear?

its currently gray

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

dark chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

blue moon

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

black with white text

80. What colour pants?

shades of gray

81. Favourite tv show?

su? i dont really watch any others

82. Favourite movie?

the man from uncle movie/ kingsman

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls?

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls i guess

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

idk

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

starfish

87. First person you talked to today?

mom

88. Last person you talked to today?

you

89. Name a person you hate?

protein shake (jk)

90. Name a person you love?

my mother

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

maybe

92. In a fight with someone?

im constantly in a fight

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

one

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

many, over 10

95. Last movie you watched?

Logan

96. Favourite actress?

janelle monae always looks stunning

97. Favourite actor?

uhhhhhhhhh dwayne is a friend

98. Do you tan a lot?

yes?

99. Have any pets?

100. How are you feeling?

sick

101. Do you type fast?

not really

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

yes

103. Can you spell well?

yeah i guess

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah i suppose

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

i went on a camping enrichment?

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

no?

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah

108. What should you be doing?

studying for histry quiz

109. Is something irritating you right now?

yes

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

no?

111. Do you have trust issues?

im pretty sure this was already asked

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

mom?

113. What was your childhood nickname?

ass (im still a kid, right?)

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

when someone has one

116. Are you listening to music right now?

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes

119. Favourite book?

harry potteR?

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

yes

121. Are you mean?

yes

122. Is cheating ever okay?

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

no. once i stepped in a massive puddle and got wet like halfway up my calf

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

125. Do you believe in true love?

n..yes?

126. Are you currently bored?

yes

127. What makes you happy?

friends, having a good time, making people laugh

128. Would you change your name?

129. What your zodiac sign?

scorpio

130. Do you like subway?

yeah

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

we would both suffer

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

you (this is a repeat again)

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

134. Can you count to one million?

i could, yes

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

bro idk

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5′4″?

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have curly hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

summer

141. Night or Day?

cant choose

142. Favourite month?

november

143. Are you a vegetarian?

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea

146. Was today a good day?

eh i guess

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“you’re like shaggy from scooby doo; always alone”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes? im scared of them so

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“’You will blow your eyes out,’ said Nwoye’s mother...” (Things Fall Apart)

#captaincreashion

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nini-bear · 7 years

Text

I DIED LAST NIGHT

i saw my man kai last night, which was great, but it was a horrible night

i am NEVER, EVER, going to stand in the mosh pit again in my entire life. Before I go on my rant session, keep in mind that I’m 5′4 (which is average-tall height for girls in Hong Kong) and I weigh 103 pounds.

The concert starts at 7pm, but I got to the venue at around 2:00 as the queueing for the standing area starts at 3pm and the doors open at approximately 5pm.

Once I got there, I was in a great mood. My period just ended, I just had amazing bibimbap, and I was ready to buy some merch. I came with 3 other girls and we went to other concerts before (got7, seventeen) and we had a great time. I walked around to buy merch, but the security guards were kind of strict, so they kept shoo-ing off the people who were selling things outside of the venue (maybe it’s illegal because it was practically right next to the bus stop and it was very crowded) So when we got there, there weren’t many things open, and if there was, it was for fanmade cards that were free (but had ridiculously long lines for). So after an hour of looking around, we had to line up to get in.

Thankfully we were like the first 20 people in line for the DOOR to the queueing area (we were #463-466 out of like 1000 from our block, but the lines go by 100s, so 400-500). Because we were so early, we were the first one in our area. Two of us sat down to keep our spots, while another girl and i went out to look for things to buy again. The two girls that stayed behind because they already had light sticks (and they were going tomorrow as well) , but I didn’t get one yet.

It took an unbelievably long amount of time to even find a person that was selling a real lightstick. I had to download this app to verify that it was real, but my bluetooth wasn’t working properly, so we had to find a girl who previously purchased it from the same woman to test it out on her phone. (TLDR; buying for stuff was a mess, but I ended up buying quite a few things (I spent approximately $600 HKD). There were several selling areas for merch (two in indoor arenas that were as big as our concert hall, and one outdoors) so it took a while to navigate around all three areas and buy things.

It didn’t feel like 1.5 hours, but 1.5 hours passed already, and by the time we went back to our line to meet up with the other girls it was already 4:30. (At that point we didnt know that the doors would open at 5:00) so I was panicking as I still had quite a lot of things to do before I went in. Having an anxiety attack during this time didn’t help either. I had to gulp down my kimbap (dinner at 4:30 is not very easy to digest either), run to the bathroom, and run up 4 flights of stairs and quite a long distance to buy a locker to store all the merch we bought. Thankfully, I’m not that unathletic, so the running was easy to do. I ended up not going to the bathroom because I didn’t have time. We were finally released from our area and could line up to go into the arena.

I sprinted inside and me and my friends split in in pairs (me and 1 friend stayed in the middle, and the other two went off to the right, as our biases were mostly in those regions for the show). There was still 2 hours until the concert could start, but we all had to stand during that time period, and people were already pushing and screaming at each other. Many girls were wearing down jackets and thick-ass sweaters, and because our bodies were practically stuck to each other, heat generated quickly. I wore a T-Shirt (one of the best decisions I made) and I wasn’t that hot, but I’m VERY sensitive to heat so I was already a little sweaty.

We were all so close to each other, that when one person moved, the entire crowd of 1000 people would move, and therefore many waves were formed. I tried to move my backpack from the back to the front to get my kimbap, phone charger, and lip balm out, and a few girls behind me seemed irritated at that. I’m claustrophobic, and it was hard to breathe, so before the concert even started I already was not in the best condition.

After standing for two hours, attempting to eat my oily af kimbap, and unsuccessfully watching Netflix inside the arena, the concert was about to start. I was so close to this girl, I felt like I was grinding her (I didn’t want to do that, but the people behind me was pushing a lot). I’m not sure exactly how many rows there ended up being, but I was on the 4th or 5th row at the beginning of the concert.

These two Chinese girls behind us were trying to communicate with this girl from Japan and trying to tell her not to push and to step back. The japanese girl replied in Korean, and spoke minimal english as well, while the Chinese girls spoke Korean, and EXTREMELY minimal english. They expressed that they didn’t know how to say “DONT PUSH” in english, which is ridiculous, because english is taught in ALL schools in Hong Kong (BOTH public & private). So I had to mediate between them and speak in a mixture of all four languages just to help them talk.

[Okay, before I start ranting about the concert I need to clarify that I’m usually a really positive person- but crowds are just not my thing. Also, why the HECK do people freak out and try to take PICTUREs of VCRs???? All of the VCRs are online, and it’s literally a video of them. We can all rewatch VCRs as many times as we want and it would be the same at home or in the arena...]

The concert started and people were screaming. I screamed too, but I wanted to save my voice, and I was too excited and happy to even make a sound. I couldnt raise both my arms up, unlike what I wanted to do (one hand- phone, other hand- lightstick) because there was not enough space, so I had to switch in between each hand.

If you haven’t seen the floorplan of the exo’rdium in hong kong, feel free to look at it now to get a better grasp of what i’m trying to say later. As I said, I was in block C, so it was the absolutely FARTHEst away section from where EXO comes and begins their songs, and it’s not until the 4th song (White Noise) in which they even move remotely closer to us.

If I counted a number of minutes I actually saw them with my own eyes, it would probably be less than 5 minutes. As I previously stated, I’m a little above the average height, but EVERYONE probably wore heels that day because I felt short AF and I could barely see anything. Hands were in my way, and other people’s hair was all over my face. People were yanking on my hair so many times, my feet were being trampled on, and some girl even tried to crawl on TOP of me to get closer to them. I moved around so many times- there was a point where I was on the 8th row, and another where I was on the 2nd. I felt like I was being punched several times in the gut when Chanyeol was near (he’s the most popular in HK).

Whenever Kai came over, I tried to scream his name and get his attention, but he just so happened to always merely glance over my area and I was always being pushed down RIGHT at the moment that Kai would look at me. I got a LOT of footage, so I’ll upload it sometime later and link it back onto this post. During the concert, I reached a sudden moment of realization, and I felt so depressed. I realized that out there, there are so many other girls in the world, who feel the same way about these boys, whom I have idolized and prioritized over so many things in life that are more important. I suddenly felt like I lost all hope and that I should give up on my dreams of ever trying to even get physically closer to them. But then I suddenly saw Kai dancing impromptu to Drop That. All of the boys looked like they were having the time of their lives, and I could sense that they felt energized by us, regardless of the fact that they were probably extremely tired from jumping around and dancing during the performance. After seeing that, I was so happy, and I remembered all of the time I spent devoted to these boys and how just one movement of them made me so happy. It also really helped that during the ment, they tried to dab and whip and do all these ridiculous moves. It made my heart feel so much lighter.

The friend that I was with was super nice. She was taller than me, so she stood behind me for a portion of the concert to block people that was pushing me. She’s like an older sister of mine (even though we’re only 2 months apart), and she kept asking if I was okay, because she knew I was claustrophobic. She helped me take things in and out of my bag, held my hand, and always smiled at me. If she wasn’t there to sing along to the songs with and FREAK out whenever one of them came close, I think I would have left the arena.

THIS GIRL behind me KEPT saying unnecessary things and was complaining about everything (losing her backup camera battery, when people behind her pushed her, and even when someone from another section would be fighting) it annoyed me so much, and I swore many times in my head (I don't swear often).

I’m not sure if it's the post-concert/ during-concert depression, but after feeling so abused by the mob of fellow teenage fangirls, I’ve only had negative feelings towards my experience. I only felt happy when I was watching back the footage that I took last night, which I didn’t even get to see with my own eyes (I held up my arms really high just to take it, and my arms are still so sore). My entire body aches in places that I didn’t even know could ache. I came back home with bloody toes as people were stepping on them. EXO is ALREADY leaving tonight, and I don’t know when the next time I will see them will be. I’m going to college to September, so I’m praying that they will come to LA.

I went to exo’luXion on august 2015 and I sat in row Y. Even though it was far, and I went with my sister, who barely knows exo, I could easily say that I had a better time back then (even though they didn’t perform my favorite song that time, and performed it this time- thunder).

LESSON LEARNED: I am NEVER buying a standing ticket for a K-pop concert again.

#Exordium #exo'rdium #exordium in hong kong #mine #exo #exo hong kong #kai #nin bear

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