#i don't want to isolate myself but i just.. can't do some things bcs of anxiety? or wtvr there's a lot n then there's also. uh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sugar-omi · 9 months

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Is it ok to make a request after the last one? Like everything about the eloping was just a dream in this one. And Mc is still married to Cove but after getting that nightmare they get all guilty over something that didn't happen and fear if they'd actually do something that would hurt everyone, especially Cove that badly. So they decided to isolate themselves somewhere no one would find them for a while with little explanation to Cove when they leave. Any location really like a cabin in the woods idk. They were supposed to be only there for a week then a woopsie happens and now they get stranded for more than a week. You're choice on how it ends and whether they tell Cove or not about the dream.

Seeing Cove suffer hurts me so I wanna see the MC suffer (more) :)

HAHA I LOVE IT, YESSS LET MC SUFFER !!!! also ik i wrote it as a "y/n" post but i was like imagining jamie as MC/"y/n" and inserting myself in cove's happy ending <3 lmaooo no one said "y/n" couldn't be someone else 😋 i imagine a lotta ppl read y/n fanfics with their oc's or the default name though too but yes tysm for this ask bc this heals my heart, this is smth i would do!!! one time i read 2 separate fics with character A died and in the other fic character B died n i was like "oh okay theyre happy together now<333" ITS SILLY BUT IT MADE MY HEART FEEL BETTER

[read the post mentioned above: "leaving cove for baxter"]

tags : Hurt/(No) Comfort, step 4/wedding dlc, nightmare about cheating, running away, keeping secrets, arguing <3 (cove snaps abt you leaving)

synopsis : you have a nightmare about leaving cove, so you run away to calm down. maybe you should've taken a different approach...

you wake up in a cold sweat that night.

you're shaking and trying not to wake up cove because his arms are wrapped tightly around you but you can't help the tears running down your face.

somehow you shake yourself from your husbands hold and go to the bathroom to cry...

that morning you're very distant, and since cove has to leave for work as he's been away for awhile for your wedding and honeymoon, he just kisses you and tells you that you will talk later.

when he comes home you sit him down and tell him that you've just going through a bit of depression and burn out, and that you're going to go visit lee for a week and come back.

cove frowns up, of course he understands what you're going through and he understands that things are hard but do you really need to go away?

"y/n, please. i understand you're going through something but, can't you stay? isn't there anything i can do for you?"

you shake your head, "i'm sorry, it's just 5 days and then i'm coming back. i just.. i just need some time."

cove feels a bit angry now, you just got married and everything was fine, you were happy yesterday and now you've done a total 180 overnight and won't let him help you!

"y/n you can't just leave, i really don't understand what's going on."

you shake your head, standing up and releasing your intertwined hands. "i just need a little break, i promise i'll be back soon."

you do go visit lee like you said, but after the 2nd day she leaving town for a show.

"i'm gonna miss you!" lee squeezes you in her arms, not wanting to let you go. "you just showed up, its gonna be forever before we see each other~" lee whines.

you laugh, patting her back. "its okay lee, we'll get together soon."

she pulls away, needing to leave soon if she doesn't want to miss the train. "okay.. i'll call you everyday! have fun on the rest of your trip, okay?" a worried look comes on lee's face, taking your hand in a soothing manner. "i hope you can work through that burn out."

you nod. yeah, burn out...

lee sticks her hand out the window, waving the whole way (thank god someone else is driving) until you can't see each other.

you sigh, walking to your car and make your way to the hotel you booked for the rest of the week...

the beach reminds you of your honeymoon... you aren't sure why you're torturing yourself like this.

you sigh, thinking about the dream. well, nightmare to be correct.

there was nothing inherently scary. but since it was from a first-person point of view, your mouth moving out of tune with your thoughts and everything happening so vividly, it was scary enough.

you feel tears well up in your eyes as you think about everyone's reaction.

would your ma really tell you to stay away from the house like that? and lee.. you can't imagine not talking to her.

fuck, you're crying... just thinking about everyone's disappointment and the scorn on everyone's face is enough to send chills down your spine.

you cringe, thinking about cliff and krya, their messages and how cliff looked so distraught when he saw you when he came for the last of cove's things on your nightmare.

you couldn't bare your in-laws hating you. cliff has always been someone important to you, and now he's your father-in-law. he's a sensitive soul as well, and he loves cove so much. of what had happened was real... oh man, the simple idea of how much regret cliff would have makes your body shake with sobs.

and even though you try not to think about cove's reaction to you leaving, its so prominent in your mind.

you start wiping at your tears, even though there's no one around since this is a little edge of beach off the edge of a hiking trail near your hotel, you feel so ridiculous for crying over this.

you sniffle and go to stand up.

it's getting dark, you've off the trail, and you have an early day tomorrow.

the only problem is... you're a bit lost.

you didn't realize how far you were. you're back on the trail but do you go left or right? does it matter if it all leads back to the hotel?

you swallow, you're so fucked.

everything is just going wrong.

first, you get lost on the shitty trail and don't find your way back until daybreak, and now your car isn't starting up, and the mechanic said it'll be a few days before they get it up and running.

you sigh loudly and fall back into the bed. thankfully, the hotel let you extend your stay so at least you have that going for you...

you startle from the sound of your phone ringing... it's cove.

you hesitate to pick up, you still feel sensitive, but you miss cove, and you've already texted him about the situation for the most part..

"hey, cove.."

"y/n! are you okay?" cove's worried voice crackles over the phone.

"yeah, i'm alright, uh.. listen, cove."

you trace the stitch pattern of the quilt on your bed. "apparently, it'll be a few days before the car is up and running. something about a busted something, i don't know what he said. i wasn't, uh, paying attention very well..."

cove sighs. "y/n... I'll come get you or something, and then we can talk about this, okay?"

you feel your heart pick up. "no! th-theres no need for all that, you just hold down the fort, tell the fish I said hi." you laugh shakily.

you can practically hear the frown in his voice. "y/n. why did you go on this trip, seriously. what are you hiding from me?"

cove's voice is rising and cracking with tears at the same time.

it breaks your heart. you can't answer him and it just makes cove more upset.

"do you regret marrying me or something? is that why-!"

"no!" you exclaim. suddenly regretting your outburst but you can't help but deny it since that's not it and you don't want cove to think that...

"then fucking tell me!" cove is obviously crying at this point. "all I know is my spouse left for a 'break' and is now telling me they don't want me to pick them up? be fucking serious y/n!"

you exhale shakily, wiping your own tears.

"i'm sorry..." you whisper, burying your face in your hand.

"sorry for what, y/n? leaving me after we just got married? lying to me? shutting me out?"

cove's voice is deep and his words have an edge.

he's right though, what are you apologizing for? you're acting out and letting your problem consume you...

there's silence, and then cove mutters over the phone.

"... do you not love me anymore?"

you snap up, sliding off the edge of the bed as you snatch up the phone. "no! it's not that! don't say that!" you cry, "I love you so much, cove! don't even think otherwise!"

cove is silent. since you can't see his face you can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

"you know what i... i can't take this right now. I'll call you later."

the phone clicks.

now all you're left with is silence and your own thoughts...

when you finally come home it's 11:47 at night.

cove should be asleep but instead he greets you from the door.

you swallow, psyching yourself up to go to him.

something about the way he watches you from the moment you came into view on the street, to watching you pull your bags out the trunk and then maintaining eye contact (more like boring holes into you since you can't look him in the eye.) as you creep up the pathway to the door of your marital home.

he's silent. just watching. no "hi" or "I love you" or "I missed you, I barely survived while you were gone", just.. silence...

you finally look at him. his eyes are hooded with lack of sleep if the eye bags are any tellers, and yet he stands in front of the illuminated doorway like an unmoveable wall.

your heart skips and clenched. what if he doesn't want to let you back in?

you go to speak and he talks over you.

"was it worth it?"

you gape at him, frowning at his question.

"of course you can't say anything. what did I expect..." cove pinches his temples between his thumb and forefinger.

you gather up some words, uselessly trying to grasp for forgiveness.

"i.. i thought it'd be better if i worked things out on my own... i'm sorry.." you fiddle with the keychain on your luggage. "i shouldn't have done that and uh.. I'll deal with my problems without running away.."

cove watches you blankly. he can't believe you're serious.

"you're not gonna tell me, are you?"

you don't nod or shake your head. you just look at the ground and pray he forgives you.

he stands in front of the door for awhile longer, before he takes your luggage, a little more like snatching it since he grabs it by the side of the handle and tugs it out of your hands, pulling you forward.

"come inside. did you eat?"

you gape a bit, wondering how cove can care for you in a time like this but it reminds you more of a mother who's making sure her naughty child doesn't need anything else before they receive their punishment..

you shake your head. "i'm not hungry right now.."

cove doesn't nod or insist you eat like he normally would. "shower and go to bed then. I'll join you later."

you nod, letting cove's orders sink in.

the bath water is getting cold. and the sound of the echoed sound of water clapping against the edge of the tub makes you self-conscious.

you stand up, letting the water run off of you and robotically dry yourself with a towel before slipping into the clothes cove threw on top of the sink for you.

when you slip out of your bathroom, the bedroom is dark except for the moonlight coming through the window.

you tenderly tuck yourself into bed and close your eyes. waiting for something. anything. maybe for everything to become undone or for time to move past this.

just while you start to get deep into your thoughts, tears pooling in your eyes, cove's footsteps thump against the floor, and you halt your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

the bed dips on his side. you don't feel him leaning over you or getting into bed and so you turn around, looking at the broad expanse of his back and waiting.

"you're not gonna tell me, are you?"

you say nothing.

"not what's wrong? what happened? how can I help?" cove's desperate at this point. "nothing?"

you pause, fingers twitching because you want to reach out to him but if you did he'll just shrink away from you for sure.

"I don't know.." you finally mumble.

cove hangs his head, fiddling with something in his hand and he lays down without looking at you, flipping over once he's gotten under the covers.

you're both awake, there's no way he isn't and you touch his back.

he doesn't flinch like you thought, nor shake or tell you to fuck off.

so you creep closer. maybe that's a bad idea, wrapping your arms around him as the worst he can do is reject you but you missed him. and everything is eating you up that you just want his comfort..

he let's you, surprisingly.

you rest your forehead between his shoulder blades, curving your body against his.

you reach for his hands, finding them clenched weakly around something.

you wanna shake and cry when you realize it's his wedding band...

he let's you take it from him, and he holds onto your other hand that's tucked under his body.

you shakily slip the ring back on his finger.

maybe, maybe one day you'll tell him.

but when the next morning comes, and cove greets you with a bright smile and "good morning" that only has half his usual cheer, and he continues it for weeks until months have passed since then and it's as if nothing happened, you aren't sure you ever will.

#our life: beginnings & always #olba #cove holden #cove holden x reader #cove x reader #cove x mc #cove holden smut #cove our life #our life cove #cove holden x mc #cove holden x reader angst #angst #hurt/comfort #hurt/no comfort

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seasaltmemories · 5 months

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The Question of Dark Aono's Role

I don't want to make any definitive statements towards Dark Aono's role in the story on either a literal or metaphorical level. It feels like there is still a lot Shiina is holding back about him; however, I feel like for all the terrible horrors he could represent, at this it is pretty clear Dark Aono is not just a simple abuse allegory

Like I get why it might appear that way early in the story, we don't actually know Aono that well, and neither does Yuri, and stories of men turning "into completely different ppl" once locked into a relationship do exist, what Aono does with his limited agency speaks in direct opposition to that. When he feels he crossed a line, he isolates himself from Yuri and tries to stay away from her. In the cannibalism dream sequence he begs Yuri to run away from him even when she is determined to feed herself. Much of his greatest conflict is about being stuck in this monstrous role and trying to self-sabotage himself.

And like perhaps this could be a seen as a messy representation of the honeymoon phase of abuse, where apologies are made and the abuser is extra affectionate to make up for it, but I lean away from that bc we have much better representations of that in the familial stages. Midori and Hitomi both tend to follow up the worst of their wrong-doings with explicit apologies and excess affection, sometimes immediately after the incident. The Aono to Dark Aono cycling doesn't hit nearly the same beats, even when taking into account the supernatural elements.

While I don't want to lock myself into one interpretation before the story is finished, I always come back to the stairwell incident. Where Dark Aono is shocked in Aono when Yuri informs him he sounds like Midori for saying exactly what his Mother used to tell him. I think of how when he regains control, it is usually followed by shame and self-loathing, sometimes simply saying that his behavior was "weird' or outright calling himself a conman.

It is such a tricky situation bc to me Dark Aono has distinctive quirks and differences from our Aono in attitude/speech/everything, even when both characters try and manipulate others, they do it in very different ways. Yet for as drastic as the switch can be, he is never so clearly an alternate personality or entity taking over. Aono has stated outright that the further in the story he goes, the more aware he grows during this shifts, and many take place specifically due to Aono's emotional state rather than any outside taboo breaking. Dark Aono is both something alien, something intrusive, yet also a painfully familiar thing that clearly originates in himself

In the end I am reminded much more of how the aftereffects of abuse haunt even relationships formed years after escaping the situation. Aono was taught love is choosing one ultimate idol and doesn't realize how fucked up that is until he finds himself parroting the same words back to Yuri. Aono reverts to a child-like state and tries to prove both to others and to himself he is worthy of love when he realized he fucked up in some way. He excuses all his self-destructive self isolating coping mechanisms as necessary even while calling out those same traits in others

But as man-painy and gross the premise of "guy keeps hurting his gf even though he doesn;t want to bc mommy issues and that makes him sad" could be, what makes Shiina's writing compelling is she makes it clear that the one suffering the most here in the present is Yuri. Having sympathy for Aono doesn't make her situation any less worse, and from where volume 10 ends off, there are things Aono needs to answer for that can't be explained away by spooky occult shenanigans. I feel like Aono's ultimate role as either ally or antagonist will be determined by his choices in the end, no matter how many or few he has. There haven't been any easy answers in the story and so I don't except to suddenly discover them this late in the game. But regardless of how it plays out I can't help but already praise her for putting such an interesting and unpredictable spin on "dark alter egos" in a genre that can be overstuffed with them.

#seasalt talks #i want to hold aono kun so badly i could die #aono kun ni sawaritai kara shinitai #aono-kun #aono ryuhei #ryuhei aono #meta #spoilers up to volume 10

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mbti-notes · 2 months

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Anon wrote: Hi, I have a complicated history with a friend. We've hurt each other a lot and we've tried working on ourselves and starting anew but still keep having fights. Recently in another fight, I realized I have been a terrible friend. I'd say I'd do better but then life happens and I ghost the friend bc I can barely handle my own plate. I feel horrible about myself. I realize realistically that I can't handle my life and working on this relationship. And we both feel misunderstood/hurt by the other person. It's a draining negative cycle and it's sapped all the will out of me, on top of all the other things happening in my life. I feel like I am my worst self in this dynamic and I just want a reprieve from it all. I want to ask for a break or even to end it. I don't think I'm the right person for this friend and vice versa but I don't know if I'm just acting in a hurtful way again, as he has pointed out many times.

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What is your question exactly or what kind of response are you looking for? It's not my place to make such a judgment for you. Since you didn't explain the exact nature of your disagreement with your friend, I can only make some general comments.

Relationships with a "complicated history" are surely the most difficult ones to maintain, but they are also the ones you should be most reluctant to give up.

1) Close friendships are rare due to the time and effort and luck required to make them happen. It gets harder and harder to make close friends as you get older, which means, as you get older, you're likely to regret not appreciating the ones you've lost. An important part of maintaining close friendships over the long term is learning how to focus on the positive rather than nitpick the negatives, such that you're able to cherish each other despite the disagreements. If you have an issue of easily getting bogged down by your feelings moment to moment (i.e. being too narrow-minded), then it's important that you learn how to have a longer term view of things.

2) Close friendships are the perfect training ground for improving relationship skills. Since friends are generally flexible and forgiving, there is room to make mistakes and learn from them. If you keep repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over, is running away the best solution? Is it not better to learn how to actually solve the problem? In what ways are you contributing to the problem and shouldn't you want to improve on that? Are you certain that the problem is isolated to this one person/relationship and won't reappear in other relationships?

3) Close friendships form the backbone of one's social support network. You say you can barely handle yourself, let alone this friendship, which makes me wonder why you must draw such a distinction in the first place. Close friends tend to go through life together and are intimately involved in each other's lives. Do you have an issue with not being able to let people in to help or support you (e.g. due to fear of intimacy or fear of vulnerability)? There is a difference between someone "bringing out the worst in you" versus someone "exposing the things about you that you don't want to see". If it's actually the latter, then the real problem isn't the relationship dynamic but your own defensiveness. Overcoming defensiveness is a key component of personal growth, so giving up this relationship could be giving up a perfect opportunity to grow.

I've made the above points not to convince you to stay but to ensure you're seeing the bigger picture. All that being said, it takes two people to make a relationship work. Both parties have to be willing to give a little, to compromise, to implement necessary changes, to work toward something better, etc. If you're not willing to commit, walk away. Do you not have every right to choose your friends?

It sounds to me like you're experiencing frequent breakdowns in communication. A lot of disagreements can be successfully resolved through learning how to communicate your way through them constructively (see the related article). However, there are certain disagreements that can't be resolved, such as deep disagreements about fundamental moral values.

The takeaway point: The best way to deal with a breakdown in communication is to learn better communication skills. Close relationships are bound to have disagreements and conflicts. You must be able to accept this fact and learn how to resolve conflicts maturely. Being a poor communicator is something that will follow you into every relationship, so it behooves you to improve on this front. Whether improving communication will be enough to mend this relationship is your judgment to make.

#friendship #relationships #conflict #communication #ask

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flowerslut · 1 month

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i don’t think this is having the effect you wanted because i have never in my life been more curious about a fic than i have for call of the night

i’m laughing so hard. I feel like a parent who is about to talk to their teen about weed or alcohol like "I know I can't stop you from going out and looking for it. but I want you to do it responsibly."

alright. listen. it’s not a bad fic by any means—if I say "it's bad" my wife is gonna materialize and rip me a new asshole—it’s very fun and it’s long as fuck and I got real intricate with the politics and worldbuilding. its an AU that I built from the ground up with some kung fu panda influence if you really squint that has turned into a multi-story series which I’ve had an absolute blast working on. but here’s the thing: I started writing it when I was 16/17. in fact, I wrote the first 50k words of it during the first half of my senior year of high school (hand-written bc this was 2009) so when I found my old fanfic binder in 2017, and when I started rewriting it later that year, I finished it, but I didn’t rewrite that much of it. which is the problem. because the amount of crappy characterization, unnecessary info-dumping (so much telling, not showing), and weird narrative choices is so overwhelming in the first few chapters that it's been unbearable for me to look back on. I recently tried to reread it and was horror-stricken when I realized that I couldn’t do it bro 💀

again: it is not bad. it’s a very cool premise and a super fun and adventurous au. it's a very slow burn. it just has an insanely rough (poorly written imo) start. and since its my most popular twilight fic, and that's what people usually read first, i'm now in hell knowing how many people nope-out after the first few chapters (myself, included recently) thinking "damn. that was rough. next." the writing quality of the middle and end compared to the beginning is leagues better, but its just that first chunk that has me in hell.

but yada yada yeah I can't stop you so, tldr; in call of the night, humans and vampires coexist. the cullens are pseudo-politicians/public figures who help keep the peace. alice has lived her entire life in relative isolation because of her first, terrifying vision: that a man named jasper is going to murder her. so, boy is she in for a treat when she realizes her new coworker who skulks around the library is that Very Dude. and thats where the shit-show really begins. I have a tag ("cotn") with hundreds of posts surrounding the series, but I don't recommend looking at it unless you want to be spoiled for it and its sequel. but if you're going to do it, i'd rather you do it in the house (here you go 😔)

#cotn #listen i know plenty of you follow me bc of cotn and you love and adore it AND I DO TOO OKAY I DO #but now that i've written roots. i look at cotn (and even parts of witd tbh) and im like #'damn. i could do so much better.' AND I WILL 🔪#gonna rework cotn a bit #edit witd too. and THEN you guys will get this novella and I can start chipping away at the third and final Big Story

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booksandpaperss · 8 months

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some ramble-y thoughts on men's social isolation and women's safety bc this has been on my mind for a bit

I do think it's really sad how men end up feeling so isolated bc of various social expectations as well as people being cruel, but as a fem presenting person I have to say that you can't just expect women and anyone who is fem presenting to just "start being nicer". ive seen a few posts on Tumblr essentially stating that but I have to reiterate it is about safety. I literally cannot afford to stop looking at men with caution and assumed violence until I get to know them really well bc if I stop that could genuinely cost me me life. its true that most men I see probably are not predators and im sure it hurts to be perceived that way, but I have no way of being able to tell who is and isn't going to harm me. I have to assume the worst because it is the only way I can stay safe.

it sucks, it really does, for all parties involved. I have so much sympathy for the men who are genuinely kind and would never hurt me that feel isolated, it isn't fair, and I myself certainly don't enjoy the *necessary* fear that the random guy im passing on the street could see me and decide to hurt me, but this is the reality of the world. there is no easy solution, but what certainly isn't a solution is expecting women to start being kinder to men they dont know because once again: that could genuinely cost someone their life.

The best solution right now I think is to continue to try to deconstruct misogyny and gender roles, and that takes time, patience, and understanding.

I have also seen the notion on here that men feeling isolated socially is misandry, but the reality is that misandry is simply not real on a systemic scale. men feeling isolated is a direct result of the patriarchy and a side affect of misogyny. a lot of things on this website that are perceived as misandry are either not real problems or they are but they're just the impacts of misogyny and the gender roles that come with it.

But it is very surreal to be walking alone at night, clutching my pepper spray and glaring whenever a man I don't know is near me, making sure to stay next to the street and make it obvious I know exactly where I'm going and still feeling the fear that it might not be enough and something horrible could happen to me anyway, only come back to Tumblr and see people saying misandry is just as prevalent as misogyny and women need to start considering how it feels for men to be looked at like they're predators. Touch grass seems like an applicable statement here.

oh and obligatory piss on the poor tumblr disclaimer: I know I am using binary terms so before any of you get on your high horse about it, I myself am non binary. I am not actually a woman, but I certainly look like one and therefore deal with misogyny. I fully understand that trans men and genderqueers of all kinds as well as even feminine cis men also fear for their life on the street so dont even think abt getting on my ass about that. oh and if any of you try to call this a terf post consider yourself blocked with a recommendation to get a refresh on what terf actually means instead of just throwing around the term when you see any post trying to talk about misogyny :D

final disclaimer bc I wanna cover all my bases due to Tumblr reading comprehension: im aware topics like this are very nuanced with lots of layers, please dont act like im obligated to cover all that in a random Tumblr post of all things, I cannot possibly cover everything nor am I obligated to. I simply wanted to remind ppl that actual lives are at risk and fem presenting people constantly and regularly fear for their life bc I feel like that gets left out a lot in conversations like this on here. <3

#elli's random thoughts #women's safety #mens mental health #feminism #no idea what else to tag this so im just gonna throw it into the void #plus I do not want this to end up getting around to actual terf blogs ugh

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charlesoberonn · 1 year

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Hi, I'm sorry if this is a weird ask but I don't know what to do. Have you ever gotten a bunch of hate for something you didn't do? I was recently abused by someone to the point where I have diagnosed ptsd from their actions, and when I finally cut them out of my life (politely, with a final message saying I'd miss them and cherish the good memories and everything), they have started posting my url and spreading completely false information about me without sources. People are siding with this person and sending me death threats even though they have zero idea what really happened. I don't know if it's dozens or hundreds or even just one person with many accounts, I am not interacting with them whatsoever, I've turned off asks entirely and I'm scared to search my url to see what I might find. My blog literally just has artwork, there's nothing harmful, and people are saying that I deserve what happened to me, I'm getting incredibly ugly threats. I know this hellsite has a way of making people get run off the road for things they didn't do and I'm just kind of scared I guess that I'm gonna be next. I don't want to leave, I actually was offline from tumblr for a full year bc my mental health from the abuse was so bad. I was completely isolated. I just got back online last week. I'm getting support from friends as well, but I feel like I'm drowning in the hate too, I can't seem to relax. I don't think I can control what people think of me, but every time I make a post where I'm enjoying something, people will suddenly say "oh you don't have ptsd, you're enjoying that thing, so obviously you're faking it" I keep telling myself that maybe by the end of the year, this won't be a problem anymore if I just stick it out, it'll all blow over, but it's so hard right now. I was wondering if you had any advice whatsoever even if it's just simple words of encouragement like "hang in there" (but if you're uncomfortable answering, please don't worry about it, I'm sorry if this ask bothers you in any way, I know I'm just a stranger on the internet)

It will blow over. And you will make it through.

If you'd like to share, I'd love to check out your art. Maybe I can send some love your way.

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kurjakani · 29 days

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Random intials, just go with whoever comes to mind first :)

P. L.

Ok so. Ik you prolly meant seperately as two characters. But thast Peter Lukas thats Plukas thats my Actual Husband thats. Hehheh hoo boy. So im doing Plukas TEEHEE

send me a character and i’ll list:

favorite thing about them: old salt who is themed around isolation and loneliness? Idk do I have to even explain it further (aside from canonical facts- I really really love playing with the ideas of him fooling himself about his absolute desire for loneliness. This is me mirroring: due to various reasons I isolated myself for years, and I had truly convinced myself I hated everyones company, and wanted to live as far away as I could- however this was a coping mechanism. And Plukas does have a lot to cope with, let's be real. He seems 2 have like. a startling amount of apathy abt a lot of things, which i find at points relatable, alluring and concerning) (additionally w how much he seems 2 talk endlessly when he actually gets the chance. Id imagine he would be way more to the point if he truly wanted 2 get tf out of there asap.) (I also do find his voice acting incredibly soothing. Could listen to him for ages.)

least favorite thing about them: I can't even comprihend such a thing. The fact that he's not in my arms rn?

favorite line: Ok i could listen 2 him for days but i think this one got me in some way: "I had no time for books or television, or any of the escapes and artificial friendships of fiction. No, I was myself, and that was enough. I would spend my days exploring the wide grounds and forests of our estate, finding the hidden corners I thought that none would have found before me –" He comes off almost as spiteful towards the idea of company of others. So insistant of his intentions.

brOTP: Salesa :3 Also Martin but like in a toxic yuri way.

OTP: prolly also Salesa?? mayhaps???

nOTP: shrugs i haven't seen a lot of ships for him in general tbh!

random headcanon: I tend 2 think he is rather immature. Socially and emotionally. We do kinda see that in the ep the last, his little tantrum when things don't go his way- but imagine what a childhood of isolation from all people and a cold shoulder from your parents does to you?? I dont have 2 imagine im that person girl its me im the problem its me. I imagine he's surprisingly easy to upset. You prolly wont notice it bc instead of bursting w anger he'll sulk, which is also not great. bottled up feelings etc.

unpopular opinion: idk what ppl think abt him eerally SOBS

song i associate with them:

youtube

Martin: (echoing) His only wish was to die alone. Also in general one of my favourite songs in all of existance so!!!

favorite picture of them: no offical peter jpegs but i always think of the every peter lukas line video on youtube it makes me so happy

#kanitalk #ask #anon #DEEP BREATH TYSM #SORRY #c:plukas #m:mag #sorry plukas brainrot real

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mambalae-s · 11 months

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hi hi mamba, i want to start this off with a congrats and a thank you so much for putting in the work and the energy to do this event. i really appreciate it so much and i'm so so proud of you. you're doing wonderful, darling !

for your event, i actually can't decide myself so i'm going to give you the choice to pick for me between toji and satoru from jjk - (i really really hope you're not indecisive and are able to work well under pressure ! but you can let me know if you need me to choose one);

this might need a bit of a trigger warning, but something i'm still learning to love about myself is my weight and my body. i kinda struggle with my eating habits a little bit sometimes and i won't go into detail but it's something that i'm working on :)

as far as my personality goes, i would describe myself as someone who speaks her mind and usually doesn't hold back from doing so (mostly bc i think honesty is the best policy in any kind of relationship). and um this might be kind of contradicting, but at the same time i also isolate myself from loved ones when i'm feeling down or pressured and keep everything to myself bc i don't like arguing/conflict. my friends describe me as having a sarcastic sense of humour and say that i roll my eyes a lot but they also think i'm very very sweet because i flirt with them often just for fun hehe. i'm mostly an introvert because i need to have my alone time but when i'm feeling charged then i'm able to make friends very very quickly. and my dad says it's because i'm empathetic and always know what to say when it comes to ppl hehe. (ahh this is getting too long... i just love talking about myself. i'll try wrapping it up quickly!) some other things you should know about me: i'm a hopeless romantic, don't like horror, am a total daydreamer, i write romance, fanfiction, and poetry, pink is my favourite colour, i'm a lipgloss/lipstick addict (and collect them for fun even when i don't need them), spring is my favourite season, my love language is physical touch, i'm an infp, and if it's important for the moodboard i'm south asian!

let's keep this sfw for ease, so i'll end it by describing my dream date with both men. you can then choose which one you'll do!

1. i know satoru's really really tall, but i just picture toji being taller and bigger in my head so i have this headcanon that i'm like half his size (for reference, i'm 5'3-ish) and in my head we are just grumpy x sunshine couple all the way. dream date with toji would be us going to the amusement park (my fav place on earth) and just being kids tbh. i'd force him to wear cutesy animal headbands and ride the rollercoaster and the ferris wheel with me and we'd stand in long long lines just talking and he would probably whine and complain about everything but he'd put up with it for me (also i'd probably manipulate him with my big eyes and my own bratty attitude ^^)

2. with satoru, i feel like since he's pretty childish in a relationship, i'd definitely act more bossy/mature with him as a result. (he'd look so pretty taking orders, wouldn't he?) dream date with satoru would just be a stay at home date. we'd start off by cooking dinner and dessert together, then have a spa night, and end it by doing a disney movie marathon together. he's so money i just have the urge to show him that we can do things without spending so much or going out to fancy restaurants and stuff.

anyway, i'm sorry for making this so long. as you can tell, i'm a talker. i'll leave the choice up to you for which boy to pick, but i just want to say thank you in advance. i love u sm mamba. congrats again baby doll <33

my beloved safi!! my dearest angel!! i’m so so soooo excited to do your request!! genuinely kicked my feet and did a little dancy dance when i saw your ask and i started searching for your pics as early as 4am before work! as soon as you mentioned sunshine x grumpy, you’d gotten me on team toji! im gonna make the prettiest, cutest, sweetest boards and scenarios for you, because you truly are as bright as the sun and you deserve the world! hugging you sooooo warmly!

also please don’t feel bad for telling me as much as you did!’ it makes me happy to learn about you all during these little events!

╰┈➤ cherry blossom lips — safi x toji

╰┈➤ song — pov by ariana grande

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 one of the first things that really drew toji to you was your smile. he finds the way your eyes light up and crinkle ever so slightly ever so enchanting. he’s so entirely enraptured, you have no idea just how much!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 i’ve said this for others as well, but toji’s also the kind of lover who is very attentive to you and your likes. i also think that he spoils you quite a bit! he’ll take note of your collection of lipglosses and lipsticks and whenever he’s out, he always keeps his eyes open for ones that he thinks you’ll like.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 if you only ask him once, he’ll help you pick out a lovely combination for your days and contemplates very intensely on what look he thinks would work well! he’s very involved surprisingly and loves to see the way you switch things up every now and then, and finds it really cute when you keep returning to favourites time and time again.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 i also think he’d be very playful and loves to kiss your glossy lips, if only to taste the sweet flavours as he licks the tint from his own lips, keeping his eyes locked on yours with your chin between his fingers as he tells you how sweet you taste.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he’s very perceptive to you and your feelings and always looks out for you as best as he can. he knows just how much you care for others around him, and him especially, always making sure that he’s alright, asking him about his day and of anything that he may have on his mind.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he might not be very vocal about it, but his way of reassuring you is at first to pull you in for a long hug. he rests his chin on top of your head and just holds you close to him, hands stroking your back and waist and taking slow, deep breaths so that you’ll follow his lead. especially during moments when he notices you quietly hurting, he’ll always mutter loving reassurances that he’s here for you, and that you don’t have to push yourself to talk to him until you’re ready — just know that he’s there for you

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he also knows how much you try to show yourself love, especially when it comes to your body. toji can tell whenever you’re having a hard time showing yourself the love he feels for you, and his way of reminding you of that love is by initiating physical contact in very intimate ways!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 not intimate as in sexual, but he’ll lay down with you and shower your entire body with kisses, reaching beneath your clothes with his fingers and taking his time to let each kiss linger, with little whispers of everything he loves, every part of you that you’re still learning to love on yourself. like i said, he’s extremely intentional, so know that all of those kisses and light touches are overflowing with love he feels deep inside his heart, because he’ll be there to love you until — and even after — you’ve fully grown to love yourself the way he does

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 when you ask him one day to visit an amusement park with you, he doesn’t think twice about saying yes! sure, he might act like he has zero interest in wearing those cute headbands with you, but he’d do anything just to make you happy!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 sure, he’ll say that it won’t look good on him and that it’ll make him look silly, but how can he say no to those pleading eyes and pouty lips of yours? in the end, he’ll let you stuff his mouth full of cotton candy and grumble as you set cute mickey mouse ears atop his head — and don’t tell anyone, but he melts like putty at the way you light up and boop his nose, a little red faced as you tell him how cute he looks

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he’ll even match with you to wear pink themed outfits! if it’s a colder time of the year when you both go, he’ll buy you both pink lilo onesies ahead of time so that you can wear them together! absolutely loves the pictures you both take and sets them as your contact photo, his wallpaper, all so that he can see the way you smile at the camera while his soft gaze is trained on you

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 now this is a secret, but toji gets a little squeamish in high places, so he’s a little nervous at first about going on the roller coasters and ferris wheels, but it’s all so worth it as he gets to hear your joyful squeals and laughter, watching your eyes crinkle as you belt out all these happy noises. the fact that you’re enjoying yourself makes him all the more pleased and he takes his own enjoyment purely from you.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he knows how you love the romantic things in life, so he takes you to the biggest ferris wheel in the park at night when all the lights shine like colourful stars. he wraps his arm around you and admires you admiring the scene around you, leaning into his embrace and just taking in the moment. he can’t stop himself from thinking just how precious you are to him, how much he loves you, and would absolutely tear the world apart to keep you safe.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 when your cart reaches the highest point of the ride, he lets himself go and pulls you in for a sweet kiss, letting it last for seconds that feel like years and mere moments to him as he drinks you in for all that you are, pouring into you every poem he’s secretly written in his heart for you. he whispers to you how much you love him, “until the end of time, safi… i’ll always love you, even after then.”

mamba celebrates 100 followers — jjk and haikyuu selfship event!

#olympia.#jjk x reader #jjk imagine #jjk selfship #jjk fluff #ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ safi!#i adore you safi!#you deserve the whole world and all its joys!

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aplaceinme · 5 months

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...

I've come to the realisation that what happened in my previous fandom has affected me deeply and it plays a huge part on how I interact with fandom now.

I've always been introverted and shy, and my social anxiety (and generalized anxiety and depression) have made things worse. But in my previous fandom, I tried real hard to talk to people and to put myself out there. I would reblog everything (with compliments in the tags), I would leave comments (in the posts and fics), I would read every single fic, I would send asks, I would make fic recs posts... I also joined discord servers, participated in fandom events... I put in a lot of effort because I wanted to belong somewhere, because I wanted friends, I wanted community. And I thought it had paid off... Some people started to followed me back, started to talk to me, someone offered to be a beta reader for my fics, some people sent me asks, tagged me in games, talked to me in private messages (on tumblr or discord), etc. I thought I had made friends but then some of that people that seemed kind and nice, turned out to be mean girls. And they started to pushed me aside, and bullying me. They made me feel like shit, and like I had no place in the fandom (while all the rest of the people continued to think that they were great). I ended up leaving the fandom, and now I can't even enjoy the ship that made me start writing fics in the first place.

My insecurities and my low self-esteem got way worst because all of that.

And now, there are moments when I think:'I should try again in this new fandom (r w r b or other fandoms). I should reblog absolutely everything so that people will notice me, I should read every single fic and leave comments and compliment everyone (even if that makes me not want to write anymore bc of insecurities), etc. Because I want friends, because I do want to talk about fic ideas and gush about the ship. But the problem is that I can't... I don't trust people in fandom anymore. And to put all my effort on trying to make friends with the risk of the same thing happening again is just not something that I think I can do. And I'm also tired of always being the one that has to try... Always be the one that has to reach out ...

So, I guess I just have to continue as I am.. isolated from fandom and feeling lonely. Feeling like I'm not and will never be enough. Because I'm not enough.

I know that this comes off as whiny, and I know this is my fault anyway but... oh, well, just feeling some way I guess.

#personal

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ruthlesslistener · 6 months

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Different anon here (putting that just in case so you dont get mad or whatever), you did hit first. Claiming others are "icky" or "dangerous" is a lot more serious than you think, especially with lots of followers like you. And if you wouldn't mind me saying this, but it doesn't look like a sincere apology to me when you add the last bit that says "Well. We hurt each other so there". Can't you apologise without making things about yourself? The reply isn't meant for me, but I kinda notice you have this tendency where you make things about yourself in the end in a lot of your old replies concerning this issue you made for yourself. Which I think also helped fuel the flames to the old problems you faced. Idk, maybe its cause I'm so sick of seeing popular fanfic writers/artist control fandoms whether unintentionally or not. They also apologise like you, making the other party look bad by making it all about themselves.

(First off if this comes off as angry I apologize, I'm not angry I'm tired and confused)

I mean. Yeah I did say that it was gross, but I'm pretty sure I've already said that the error that caused the problem was that I had a completely different perception of what I was talking about than what was actually being said (a genuine error on my part), and also that I didn't realize my words had the connotations that they did, which was another misstep that lead to hurt feelings. Both of those were genuine mistakes caused by me a.) Not knowing what the fuck I was talking about and b.) me forgetting the fact that people don't have the same ideas about fiction that I do. Not really sure what else to do other than repeat that it was a mistake over and over, since the only other option would be to delete what I said but that would be dishonest and wrong. I DID fuck up.

As for the apology, I am sincere that I didn't mean to cause harm, but I am also sincere when I said that the response hit a specific trigger and hurt me as well- because it did. It did hit that specific trigger zone and I see no reason why I shouldn't be clear about it, especially since I wanted to make it apparent that I wasn't just shitting on people and dragging their name through the mud because I have some social status I wanted to flaunt or w/ever. I assumed it would make anon feel better while also asserting the fact that their behavior wasn't exactly okay either because I DID repeatedly say that I wanted the topic to be dropped and it didn't. Even the ground, try to lay down rules to prevent future conflicts, that sort of thing. It was a two-part statement- one, the apology and admittance that I was wrong, and two, the showing of vulnerability on my part to prove that I view myself as on equal standing as them and that I am also flawed and inherent to biases, while also pointing out how to not cause future conflict. I assumed that would be the most effective. I didn't even consider the fandom pov thing or power dynamics, bc this at its core was a misunderstanding between two people that had the misfortune of happening on a public platform.

I will agree that I do have an issue with talking about myself though, because to be frank, my own pov is kind of the only thing I know and so explaining my thought process as it goes is the familiar beaten path. When I say that I'm autistic and have been isolated my whole life apart from one friend (also isolated) and my immidiate family, that isn't a lie. I didn't start talking to more than the same 3 people for extended periods on a regular basis until I was 17. And those three people were my mom, my bff, and a close friend I picked up in high school when I was 15. And even then, those talking periods would be no longer than an hour at a time. This isn't a good thing by any means nor a method of excusing myself, just a means of explaining why I do it and that it's not because I think the world centers around me, just that I have to translate what I think to it for communication with other people to start making sense. Its def. something that I struggle with in even basic conversations, though I am working on that via interjecting various questions and comments about other people vs just proccing an infodump. It's most likely a low empathy issue that I still need to learn workarounds for, because I'm a very low-empathy autistic.

I CAN say that I grow more tempted to just delete and remake to start anew by the day, though, because the thought of being popular and having an influence/being on a pedestal puts me in a state dangerously close to a panic attack. The problem is that I cannot figure out a way to do that in a manner that would actually work, plus I cannot tolerate change.

But genuinely, the thought of power dynamics...it frightens me. My ideal would be a world where I can just push my thoughts and writing out and not be seen at all, except that I can't manage that because then I'd have nobody to discuss hyperfixations or special interests with. I don't WANT to have any sway over people. And its partially because of things like this- because I don't want to fuck up by tripping over an unseen landmine of a social error and then have my reaction be absorbed uncritically, or have that error be held under scrutiny. It makes me feel sick

#sorry this is probably just upsetting and frustrating to you. but i dont know how to pjrase it any other way #if i express my sorrow over the issue more clearly thats manipulative. and im not angry #nor do i think its just about me- i just dont know anything ELSE to say. i cant place myself in the other anons shoes #so this is all i have for sincerity #my apologies for that #anon #reply

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strqyr · 1 year

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Do you ever feel isolated when you enjoy something and can see the value in a piece of media, but people online outright do not understand it at all, or even care to try to understand it to the point that they effectively scorn you indirectly every time they insult that work, and you can't do anything about it because you'd get labeled as overthinking things and "needing better taste", even though you aren't some mindless drone?

And that you wish they'd give that media a proper chance and actually making the effort to recognize your point of view instead of dismissing it because they only care about surface level impressions and listening to popular opinion?

i wouldn't say i ever felt isolated bc i do enjoy solitude and silence can be incredibly comforting ( tho this is probably more of a cultural thing rather than a me thing, specifically, but if the shoe fits ) so like. isolation isn't really a negative feeling to me bc it's kind of my starting point? but i have definitely been there where i want to see what other people are thinking about something i like, and then letting the negativity get to me and affect my own enjoyment of it.

and then i learned two things about myself: 1. despite what my brain sometimes likes to tell me, i do, in fact, like being happy, and 2. i'm that spiteful that like hell am i going to let other people ruin my fun. like. why care about "better taste" when what's really important is if you find enjoyment out of your choice of media? it's called entertainment for a reason. if i'm entertained then job well done. if not, it wasn't meant for me, and i move on. simple as that.

anyway, to prevent myself from making myself miserable, i made myself my own place where i can share my thoughts and art and all that stuff, and that's. this blog. i don't wander far from here, i filter tags and words like there's no limit ( i certainly hope there isn't lol ) and the block button is never too far. the education system here helped ensure that i came out with some critical thinking skills so i don't need other people to tell me how to feel about this and that; different perspectives are nice and all but when people start acting like only their or the popular opinion is all that matters i'm like. who are you people lol

anyway. find your happiness in cultivating your own space and not giving a damn about what other people think. i know it's easier said than done bc i've been there, but it's time better spent than trying to argue with and change minds of people who have no intention of doing so ( and really, that's their right, they don't need to like everything in the world or even give it a chance if they don't want to, and they're free to give their opinions just like you and i are, be it the same opinion or not )

sorry if this makes no sense. it's been a long day and i'm very tired, so i might have rambled a bit and completely missed the point. i guess what i'm trying to say that it's good to learn to recognize when a conversation isn't going anywhere ( for whatever reason ) and just cut your losses instead of sticking around just to walk into a brick wall over and over again.

and also prioritize your own happiness and well-being by finding or creating yourself a place where you don't feel that way.

#anon #ask.strqyr

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mrschwartz · 1 year

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pls continue on slippery territory because ✨your mind✨ as you say, we don't Know him but. i'd put my money on he's self aware but can only look at it from his periphery, otherwise it is Too much. and there are bits of it in his writing, goes along with his rep for ~vagueness, which is why i'm surprised by the new record because (1/2)

(2/2) the lyrics are vague but there's something about the sound - that feeling of there being something there, a depth. a might be projecting but lmao will never forget how melancholic mirrorball made me feel. that's why i think he Knows, it's just he can only acknowledge it in this sort of way and the other guys don't have that issue

OH! also can't stop thinking about him saying he wouldn't do this on his own, lmao. goes hand in hand with the whole drawn to solitude but needing other people thing, but obviously everyone else has got Lives, alexander!!!

oh man, i'm right with you on that, the whole album is deeply sad. like, i'm doing what he told me to do! i'm listening to the music and not just the lyrics, and they're telling me that the person who composed it has been going through some shit lol. he also emphasizes that there's a sense of humor to a lot of it, which i understand i guess, but. um. idk. it's either 1) he's not very good at translating jokey tones into melodies and harmonies (which i refuse, he's too good at capturing and conveying emotion and cares too much about music to not understand tone) or 2) he's got a very warped sense of humor/is not as self-aware as i thought (like i said) lol. like one of those friends everyone has that light-heartedly shares something that sounds deeply traumatic and has you like. "but are you like. okay though" or 3) he knows it's mostly sad but is playing it off bc fuck interviews, fuck people actually knowing what he wants to mean, etc etc.

anyway. fuck him, he set out to make me feel things with the sound of his music and the bastard fucking accomplished it lol.

but to your second point. like, it feels shitty to think this of him and that's why i didn't wanna say "resentment" bc it's obviously not it, there's too much unconditional love and understanding between them, but i can't help but feel that if it was up to him, to some extent, none of them would be off raising families, they'd just hang out together all the time and just talk and have fun and play music

he's introverted and craves isolation, yes, but he's also needy and fucking needs the band's support so much, he kinda gets a little lost when he doesn't have it for a long period of time. he could write a solo album and play all of the instruments but it's not just that he values their input and it's more fun when they're around. he needs them to not have all of the spotlight on him. and when most of the spotlight is on him, which let's be honest here we're all adults lol, it's 99% of the time, he has this safe haven with them to feel like he's sharing the experience, to joke about the whole thing, to have someone to vent to, etc. this next bit is extremely shitty, i know i knowwwwwwwww, but: like, alex turner's support group you know. like (let me try to redeem myself here), they're all each other's support group, for sure, but i feel like he needs it the most

#as always. does this make any sense at all? mvjnfjvng #i always would ramble for fifty paragraphs more to explain myself better and i always restrain myself #ask #anonymous #alex turner #he could write and play a solo album for sure. could he tour and promote it solo? nfjdjmfjvnjsmjdnjf lmao he'd Crack.#instantly cuckoo. more than he already is

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bassiter2 · 3 months

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i kinda don't understand poetry books. or short poems in general. i love poetry conceptually, with something being poetic just being a quality of writing, but just... tiny isolated poems? and compiled, too? doesn't it get tiring? it's the same reason that i can't enjoy a museum full of modern art but i still do appreciate tons of abstract art that i see on instagram or whatever. seeing one is cool and i can appreciate it. seeing a bunch over and over again makes it all blend together and feel like nothing at all. it's like when you say a word over and over against and it loses all meaning. thing is i do in fact own a few poetry books, like i have siken's stuff, but i bought them just knowing that he's gay and it's gay poetry and that everyone was obsessed with him, but then i read them.. and it was just kind of whatever to me. i wasn't moved. nothing stuck out to me other than what i was already familiar with bc i'd seen the stanzas on tumblr. the fact that some people read siken as a TEENAGER and got fixated then is utterly insane to me. like when *i* was a teenager i would exclusively watch movies that had gay stuff in it but also i would only pay attention when gay sex was happening. and i refuse to believe that others were deeper people than i was as a teenager bc that makes me feel bad and want to kill myself. i'm the litmus test and no one can be better than me. yeah i think you're all lying about being really moved by poetry it simply has to be just a scam or some shit

#personal

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alo-piss-trancy · 1 month

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Btw even if I don't check in here as often as I used to, I really do appreciate all of you who stick with this blog anyways c': Especially since I barely post anything 'kinky' myself anymore. So this is mostly just a gaming/media rant and personal blog now oops

In some ways I'm definitely better off than I was a few years ago, but I've also been dealing with a lot of chaos in my life and household and it doesn't look like it's gonna get fixed very soon. Mix of financial, physical health of me and family I've been heavily assisting, house things in desperate need of repair...

On top of that I've been starting to realize I might actually have developed some form of Agoraphobia from all that time I was housebound before... and other stuff, but I think that was probably the main contributor. I'm still looking into it but with how a lot of the other things I've tried to cope haven't helped, meds don't seem to touch it much, and it seems to be getting worse, it's looking more and more likely than I'd like to admit. Which sucks bc it's also going to be hard af to keep up with working to treat it with Exposure or smth if I'm buried in all the above stuff/have limited transport/places to even go. It's really freaking hard when I do rarely go out and the anxiety/illness makes it so much worse. There've been times I've had to give up and go back early after like, an hour bc I was vomiting/crippled with pain/on the verge of fainting... and that's been happening more often. Like 1 in every 3 times, and I may only get out 3 times a month at the worst points.

Idk. I'm trying. I'm keeping up with the bare minimum rn and that's all I can really say lol

Also the only problem that's actually relevant to kink blog: my drive is still at 0 or even the negatives bc I can't get my medication sorted out bc my appointments got pushed back AGAIN ☠️ So yeah. That's why there has been no writing or hc posts and will not probably be for a WHILE. On God, it's about as appealing to me as eating dry cardboard 😔 Trying to write or draw anything fun is like pulling teeth and if I won't enjoy the end result then I'm not gonna bother RIP. When I get that sorted out maybe I can finally touch my poor WIP pile again 😭

Uh yeah so. That's why I've been so absent for like... forever. I do miss checking in here but I also get in my own head sometimes about posting when I'm not 'providing' anything this blog was intended for. Which I realise is dumb bc it's MY blog and if I want to rant about video games only for like a year straight then I'm allowed to. But brains are Fun like that 🥲

For what it's worth I'm not in like, a fullblown mental crisis so please don't worry about that! I'm not in any immediate danger or smth! I do have some other hobbies I've been keeping up with and socialising in other spaces. And I've been reading. So I promise I'm not in a complete isolated depression pit 💛 Life could definitely be better and I def have some rough days, but I have been trying to take some baby steps to either fix things or keep myself sane at least lol

Idk I just felt like I should explain why I've been mostly gone for ages off and on. I do lurk here sometimes to peek at things even if I don't have the energy to show myself. But I do really appreciate anyone who sends asks or comments on my ao3 or just reads my ramblings lol 💛 Even when I can't respond immediately I still treasure the gesture and it makes me happy to see some of the same names around in my notifs/dash c': So thank you~

#bear txt #not omo #i know this is a lot and maybe tmi but i just need to get it off my chest #as bad as it is and sounds tho this is still leagues better than when I was sick af and in my worst depression #i'll take this over that hell. i would not have wished those years on my worst enemy #so yea i can get thru this i think i just need to figure shit out... hopefully #ironically i read a book as a kid with a character who struggled with agoraphobia and it was the most horrifying fate to me #and i was like wow that's so sad i hope i never end up like that #now here i am decades later like... haha. fuck. i might actually be in the throes of it

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