#i dont have enough therapy for that

[apinchofsanity]

Dr Strange 2: What if when you have a dream it's actually just what your multiversal self is experiencing at that time?

Me, who has a lot of trauma dreams: I fucking hope not.

#marvel #doctor strange #multiverse of madness #dr strange and the multiverse of madness #spoilers #multiverse spoilers #like...id rather NOT confront the idea that im doomed to suffer trauma repeatedly in MULTiPlE universes #i dont have enough therapy for that

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

the doctor isnt neurodivergent or autistic or adhd or nonbinary or genderqueer or asexual. what the doctor is, is Not From Here

#which necessarily of course says something abt their (non)whiteness #(i had all these words in quotation marks first so mentally add those to whiteness too) #but we've them be black for all of 1.5 episode now so #lets see how that develops you know #also i dont think i understand the politics of that part well enough to say much abt it #not that i probably understand the politics of these parts better but #im annoyed enough abt this Thing happening these years. in these 20s i guess. the 'representation' thing #to complain abt it anyway #the dsm isnt real and it isnt gonna fuck you buddy #maybe i'll read some books and then one day i'll write an essay driven by spite and pettiness #i wonder if i can make the thesis statement about the tension between their status of main character #in a 60 year running family adventure show vs this therapy thing we're doing now #like. you cant do that. in terms of like. what story is and does. what a character is and does. it strains #in an interesting way. like im not saying they Shouldnt have done it. im just observing. that you cant do that really. i think #or maybe you can! but i'll find that out #i also dont know shit abt narratology or whatever so. need to read books first. sigh #always have to pause my thoughts to read myself in first its so annoying. esp bc i rarely really do #bc then new thoughts new things to do you cant do EVERYTHING. you can do almost nothing. bane of my existence really #but like you might even be able to say smth interesting here about whether you can call them traumatised at all #remember that article i saw around on tumblr a few years ago i think that was abt like. some scholar in the middle east maybe #saying that ptsd is a western thing bc it necessitates a Post #all of this is western. psychiatry is western. its all stories. how you conceptualise trauma is a story #whos Other is story #where youre from is a story what you stand for is a story who you are is a story #ah. checked the article. dr samah jabr. palestinian. i'll start with her book maybe

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Current update-

Said I need to talk to a therapist. Get told I cant because I don't make enough to afford one.

The therapist who is unable to help me with what I need (because she is legally unable to due to what she would have to charge me) is pulling a list together of others who can, but has to call them all to see if any are able to take a patient with my situation.

And what's sad is she sat with me on the phone for an hour just making me talk, cause she could tell I so needed to be reached out to. And apologizing over and over how she can't help me technically but she hears me and is gonna do everything she can.

What a fucking system we have here. Jfc

#personal #the medical system here is a fucking joke #imagine getting told you dont make enough for therapy but you make to much for help getting another insurance to get.the help you need #fucking hell #thank god i have sarcasm #cause god damn whats left to fall back on?

[moeblob]

Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

[sollucets]

guys i am trying Really hard not to have public opinions about of this morning... pray for me

#i work really hard not to do that. genuinely. every single time i reblog a meta or post my own opinion or write more serious tags #it is Vetted #i keep these things to my friends & my discord & such on purpose because. because. it's better for everyone #but im hanging on by a thread today i guess :') #for now.... just.... people need to remember that when youre debating fiction like this #the characters are fictional but the people listening aren't #and you can cause real fucking harm by talking about demographics the way people have been #rowan chatter #(if i see someone fucking say ray can't love again i'm going to kill. it's directly to murder i will be committing crimes) #(AND if i see another implication that he should've had to get sent to prison it'll be arson also) #fuck you all you dont get to have ray anymore. im taking him he's in my pocket now #do people even know how rehab & therapy fucking WORK #okay. okay. okay okk okokokkok mission failed a little #but we're far enough down in the tags now. reblogs are off. don't eat me

[silenthillbunni]

funny that therapists whose job it is to listen to u are the WORST listeners in society lmaooooooo. they dont hear a single word u say. they genuinely dont care abt what u say at all, they're just gnna take what theyve read in some textbook and apply it on to u. whatever u say you're not a person speaking words, your just a box filled with their judgements and pre constructed notions abt whatever diagnosis theyve assigned to u. therapists and psychiatrists are the most useless and incompetent ppl in society lmao. such a fkn joke it's insane how theyre even allowed to get paid for the shit quality job they perform ._.

#im not even convinced they process or register anything i say #also do they even have an education.....? #i've tried bringing up my depersonalization experiences and they just sit there like blank pages #and look at me like I AM THE WEIRD ONE!!!!!! u have gone to school for it yet i am familiar w more concepts than u?!?!?????? #they dont even know what DEPERSONALIZATION or derealization or any of that is!!!!!!!!! #they just look at me w a bored dead look in their eyes and say yeah u are depressed #i've even been called WEIRD!! by therapists!!!!!!!!!!! #i now know that it was avpd behaviors but when i didnt know and i talked abt it w therapists #they scrunched their eyebrows and got frustrated w me for not just having social anxiety so i could be easy to deal e #and they were like 'uh huh thats strange' ?!?!!???? #that made it SO much harder to talk in therapy bc now i just constantly overthink every single thing i say and wonder if theyre gonna call #me weird. like idk i just rlly... hate therapists. i hate them so much #and psychiatrists? 🤢🤮 they look at u like a lab rat or a statistic or an annoyance #they dont give a single fuck abt u. they arent even competent enough to help u!!! #like idk maybe u have to be rich and buy quality care but every single one of them i have met have been utterly worthless #rndz

[anxiously-sidequesting]

I know we as a fandom all love to shit on Duncan whenever we get the chance (see: me posting Duncan GruncanWuncan) especially since the like, two times we ever see him he's shitting on us for being ourselves then tries to kill us because of his own delusions of grandeur but I thought about it and I was like, "......man that's kinda Sad actually"

BECAUSE seeing this from Duncan's perspective; he's The Best, he always has been the best, but reality constantly shows him that isn't true (Malorn, The Wizard, anyone else)

Like imagine how painful that can be when you think something that you truly deserved and something that you've fought for, maybe for your entire life, is seemingly handed to others who aren't nearly as deserving as you

And yeah WE know that Duncan has neither worked (very hard, at least) for his perceived greatness NOR does he truly """deserve""" it (Duncan has been shown to be shirking his duties off to us and possibly others for his own gain), but DUNCAN doesn't know this. Like in his mind he truly, honestly, genuinely believes with his whole fragile heart that he is just above everyone else and puts more effort in trying to convince others of that rather than literally just trying to work towards that himself

And then there's the extra added insult that even in his own class he's pretty mediocre. Duncan INSISTS that he was Malistaire's best student and that he praised Duncan maybe once and that all other Death students only wish they could be like him, but... Malorn. And I bet deep down Duncan KNOWS that in fact Malorn was Malistaire's best and most talented. And Duncan can't even really twist that in his mind because it was made solid when Malorn took over Malistaire's duties instead of him. It was proven as a hard fact that Malorn was more suited to the job than Duncan was and is widely recognized as being The Best Death student (if the YW isn't a Necromancer)

Okay so fine. Whatever it's just Death right? At least Duncan can be the best at ANYTHING ELSE, maybe he's not the most talented Necromancer but there's 6 more types of magic to excel in!!!

But then another person ruins that. The Young Wizard poofs in from another world and suddenly, Duncan is overshadowed once more because a literal child prodigy and Local Hero arrives and literally saves their world and then, the universe. Multiple times in fact

Like bro I can imagine that could be at least a little bit painful for anyone, but imagine with Duncan's already low self-esteem and his fragile, large ego, he literally and genuinely took that personally and a hit to your pride is devastating for anyone, no matter who you are. That was like, Strike Three for Duncan and it was so very personal and important to him that it left him in a deep and vulnerable state

But I think the absolute saddest part of Duncan's downfall is that near the end, he was ultimately manipulated by an adult. A grown ass adult noticed and acknowledged his insecurities and purposely struck where it hurts the most, in his weakest state. Duncan already wasn't thinking clearly from the start but when everything went to shit for him and he was clinging, Gretta DarkKettle approached him and completely broke him down to make him into something else entirely for the Schism's benefit.

Of course Duncan was a piece of shit from the start but he truly didn't have any malicious intentions until Gretta messed with his mind. Like, he went from a pretty much harmless bully to an actual criminal of the state and a threat to the literal universe. Duncan was CORRUPTED and all of his worst fears and delusions were solidified the moment Gretta """validated""" those feelings Duncan had.

Is Duncan completely blameless? Fuck no he did some fucked up shit actually and I'm glad he was held accountable for it by the narrative and the fandom!!! But I think it's something to be said that at the end of the day, Duncan was still a child that was suffering from many type of issues before being recruited and manipulated by a powerful literal cult. Wizard101 does have a theme of malicious intending and less than responsible adults using children to get what they want (Malistaire, Morganthe's brother, GF Spider, GM Raven, coughcoughAmbrose) but unlike the Young Wizard who successfully stays true to themselves despite that, Duncan had a more Morganthe-like route and ultimately succumbed to it. Of course their situations are a lot different since the YW wasn't brought in by a cult, but you can't help but feel bad for someone so young being preyed on by older people who are supposed to look out for them and protect them from something just LIKE that.

I will always shit on Duncan because it's funny and hold him accountable for his actions because he should, but I also feel bad for him and I hope he had a better ending after he was defeated

#this isnt like a callout post btw LMAO everyone is free to feel how they feel #this isnt me like shitting on the fandom or anything pls dont feel that way #i just think duncans situation is really interesting and kinda important to look at beneath all the memes and stuff #duncan is a loser in my heart but he's a victim in my soul. poor kid #also think about the fact that he STILL wasnt strong enough even after all that. we still defeated him #he spent most of his young life having all that resentment and anger and hatred in his heart- #-and thought it would all finally be worth it once we were dead but that also fell apart #my fave types of villains are the ones who trult believe they were right/were wronged by the world #duncan literally had delusions of granduer. thats super tough to get over #the feelings and belief of self can be so so important to someone #what you truly believe about YOURSELF is like the core. it can even be more important that religion/family/etc. for some people #it personally makes sense to me that duncan would feel so broken after having that 'taken' away from him #because if you dont have yourself to count on then who???? what else is there #also sad because literally the wizard did nothing to him. we were just minding our own business but duncan still took it personally #it didnt have to be that way at ALL and i hope he gets some therapy and gretta gets locked up forever #anyway. im normal #wizard101 #w101 #wiz101 #duncan grimwater #long post #text post

[satans-knitwear]

going days-weeks-months without talking to anyone bc inflicting myself upon them feels invasive and a waste of their time???

#i need to go back to therapy but so many years of it have got me tired and frustrated. #such an unhelpful way of thinking. all it does is destroy my very limited number of friendships i actually have/had #or maybe its just me as a person and ppl are better off moving onwards regardless of me #i dont like to think that i hold people back #I guess i dont actually engage enough to have a real impact???? thatd make sense #dont mind my rambling

[seariii]

Hum...

#im just thinking... im okay tho /gen #just thinking about the words the bestie said to me after I told him about my mental health... #particularly a phrase... he just said 'you are already committed' and when i asked what he meant he said 'to life' #its just... idk... it was impressive and had such a weird feeling... sadly i guess i am committed........ 'sadly' huh.... #sigh another important thing was that it was crucial i went back to therapy... i dont really want to tho... #but 'youve been feeling like this for a long time you need help' ... sigh... what i need is... #the future is so scary... sigh... okay #ill put an alarm to wake up earlier tomorrow and work on that! #seari talks #what i need is adderall- jsjsjsjsjs yeah... alr im sleepy time to mimir #tomorrow ill catch up with everything i missed too #also if anyone reads this dont worry pretty person! i got a bit scared/upset up there but its okay #im quite stable right now! at least enough to survive for a couple days! so yup! #miiiight have to look up a new therapist tho... since aside from help i wanna get a diagnosis.... #sigh... but okay that's not for rn seari it's for future seari. rn seari has to go mimir because shes tired #a mimir a mimir pat pat pat

[softshuji]

eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh

#i just find it like so unfair yknow #im the only one who works in myhouse and full time #but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put #my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but #i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger #its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad #and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility #and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough #and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother #said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9 #and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time #constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers #and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either #its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they #cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything. #like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl #thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on #im just tired and upset #its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else. #and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing #im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf #oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this #and yk what #thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is #i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return #or if not #theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them #i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me #its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me

[arowrath]

i love psychology classes i love this shit. because i know like everyything but i get to share my opinions on the reading and i LOVE having opinions

#text #i definitely have a bone to pick with a lot of the field of psychology/psychopathology/etc & how it can be stigmatizing & traumatizing etc #for people who are already struggling with complicated and often disabling conditions and circumstances. and brother i'm picking it. #one thing i do hate about where i am like academically is that i know SO MUCH abt these topics but since all my informaiton has been from #therapy or from my own research i AM missing like. key points that i dont really know about. & thge stuff i know is definitely biased #towards things i'm more interested in or things i've researched for myself. but that means i spend like 14 weeks of class alreadty knowing #everytrhing and 2 just fucking speedrunning some section of psychology i knoww nothing about. like neurowhatever stuff i dont #get much at all like the physical brain/biology stuff. i vaguely know what a neurotransmitter is and the frontal lobe is the thing that doe #doesnt stop developing at 25 but everyone thinks it does. and thats all ive really got #like i do definitely need portions of these entry level classes but also ughhhhh. i know what anxiety is sherrie #Also i dont plan on pursuing psychology for like a career atm i just do not think i could handle a lot of jobs int he field and again i #am fairly critical of the field . i don't know enough about like antipsych stuff to have an opinion on that but i know that psychiatrists #often suck ass! and it's great when they dont but they often do. i don't remember what i was saying here

[letitrainathousandflames]

my dad: have you watched that cartoon of the clones yet? the, uh... bad batch or something?

me: i really want to, but my autistic brain makes me experience emotions too intensely and since I spent a week literally depressed after watching the clone wars finale I'm scared of watching bad batch and seeing clones being hurt so it's an immovable object-unstoppable force kind of situation. So, uh, no.

my dad: ...do you. do you want me to watch it with you? we can pause or stop if it's making you too sad. would u like that?

me:

#my mom: i will watch it too if u don't mind me asking 'what is happening??' every five minutes #seriously my parents grew so much and became so much cooler than they used to be #all it took was a lot of trauma; therapy; my therapist calling them out on their crap; me getting an official diagnosis etc #and here we are #DONT CLOWN ON THIS POST #NO 'GEE OP I WISH I KNEW WHAT HAVING SUPPORTIVE PARENTS IS LIKE CAN'T RELATE HURR DURR' #TAKE YOUR NEGATIVITY ELSEWHERE HOMIE #GOD KNOWS WE HAVE ENOUGH OF IT AS IS

[liquidstar]

listen ive read a lot of fucked up manga, like, everything from uzumaki to oyasumi punpun to blood on the tracks. and generally they dont really fuck me up all too much. despite how harrowing all those examples are i dont feel like i get /too/ twisted up inside. or disturbed on, like, a fundamental level. but for some reason "inside mari" fucked me up. its not "scary", or the deepest, and its not even a series i would overall recommend to most but... for some reason after reading it i had like full on dissociative episodes for a few days. i dont know what about it got to me so much, because at its base nothing in it "scared" me- it's not a horror! its a psychological deep dive, a body swap story with a twist on a twist. i dont know what about it messed with me and i wish i could figure it out because i feel like there has to be a reason. but i literally dont know

#showing up to a therapy session and having them read inside mari so they can explain whats wrong with me #i cannot stress enough though that this is probably just me. this isnt a recommendation of the work itself #i dont think itll have that effect on most #i first read it based on knowing some off shuzo oshimi's other stuff and being slightly interested in the concept of like #a psychological deconstruction of one of those body swap fantasy things. well it delivered on that front certainly #but i have critiques. i dont wanna get tooo into my thoughts tho #lest i have a revelation or something

[silentalltheseyearsnomore]

I don't really want to tag this as I feel like I don't trust a whole lot of what is on this little app but a few follow me who I feel are authentic and relate to me so maybe I'll get lucky and you'll relate or have any idea wtaf happens with us lol

I am too exhausted to explain properly but... we have this thing where we get stuck writing. non stop. through an entire day, entire night, not allowed to stop for water or food or rest. only ever to our therapist of the time.

usually, in the past, it was always triggered by "confessing" (every single reason we are evil, that DID doesnt exist, that our history never happened.. every single thought we have.. etc, it was terrifying, we couldnt even stop to reach a hand out.) and we did a lot of work with our longterm therapist back then to understand what parts were at play, that it seemed very linked to some programming, but we never untangled it all. we saw the similarities of not being allowed water, not being allowed food, going insane, the feeling of spinning in circles, losing all realities, confessing, insanity.. etc... and it was always like breaking a spell. The second we managed to stop it, we saw it all clearly and couldn't understand how we were under such a spell. But trying to stop it felt like death. Because to stop it we had to believe it was a program and STOP. And believing, meant being even more evil, because it's not real. But once we did...we were okay. It was fucking terrifying.

But today we had similar in a different way. It wasn't about confessing but more.... trying to get every reality from every part on paper or not being allowed to send to our therapist. It would be a lie. And spinning in circles trying to explain and add another reality and another and another. And we thought eh this is just the product of a lot of fear, and a lot of parts all at once. But.... again we ended up a few seconds away from being unconscious from a faint from not drinking or eating, in the dark in a carpark after not stopping all day.

We also think we identified old sabotaging programs a past therapist noticed activate in us very often during therapy. But I just..

It's so hard to believe any of it is true.

Is this... does this sound at all not insane to someone?

#we are in a permanent state of denial lately due to ending therapy and not havkng enough support so #we can barely say parts we have to say realities #we cant say ra we have to say the extreme stuff #we have to say “if its real” in front of everything #i feel like i am in endless realities soinning around and dont know what is real #i just want it to stop #but dont beliebe its real enouhh to make it stop

[moeblob]

sobbing at every heart event ...

#stardew valley #sdv shane #farmer koi #as someone who grew up thinking i would be fine with death at 18 #as someone who struggled so hard with connecting with others because everything felt suffocating #being able to tell shane that im happy hes here is like telling myself that and hoo boy im crying #the things id love to hear and the things said to me being options in the six heart event #really impacted me #as someone who related to no after plan in the four heart event because i still dont even have a real plan in life #just wow the flashbacks to being unhappy in school the thoughts of being condemned in sunday school #and the fact you can tell him its a sin as a reason to not roll off a cliff is just enough to remind me of how much that hurts #as if im so bad you have to try guilting me into living... gosh #shanes heart events are therapy for me to actually tell someone i relate to YOURE STILL HERE AND THATS GOOD #like does concernedape know how therapeutic its been to tell shane the things i wanna hear #anyway sorry for the possibly depressing tags that is why i kept them in the tags #watch me go back and just delete all the tags but yeah this has been emotional to see from a diff perspective #im so used to being shane that its wild to see what it might look like and its kinda crushing me

[nat-20s]

2022 was an absolute shit year but it was the Start of me feeling less awful all the time. 2023 I doubled down on that and I do think I've made some progress. 2024 might reap (find a lot of joy in life) what I sow (actually work on my mental health and building the kind of life I want)

#NOT TO SOUND CHEESY AND CORNY BUT HAVING THERAPY AND GETTING MEDICATED HAS MADE A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE #which is NOT to say im like cured tm BUT #i feel like im able to manage some things that beforehand wouldve crushed me you know #and my bad days usually arent AS bad and theyre rarer #anyway uhh sorry to get all sappy on yall but i think im doing okay :-) #in a way i dont think my teenage self couldve ever dreamed #and i think im even doing okay enough to help others do okay :-)