#i keep making myself alone

[scificrows]

Okay, my brain refuses to think about anything other than Murderbot, so I looked at every use of the word "friend[s]" in TMBD and... created some pie charts. Normal human activities.

Some Thoughts™ I had while putting this together (under the cut):

In All Systems Red, Murderbot notes that the PresAux crew are all close friends (twice! and goes on to explain their internal relationships which I think is very cute). This is pretty much the only use of 'friends' in ASR, except for when Murderbot says that SecUnits can't be friends with each other.

It seems that this may be one of the first times Murderbot has ever really been around a group of friends before? Murderbot notes that this is not the norm for its contracts and admits that the fact that they are all friends and the way they interact with each other make it actually enjoy that contract (before!!!! the hostile attack, so it already enjoys this contract before they start seeing it as a person etc ghghhhh). [Inference: Friendship seems enjoyable.]

The first character that calls Murderbot its friend is ART in Artificial Condition. Murderbot immediately refutes this (and then goes on to call ART its friend to its clients for the rest of the book). [Inference: Maybe ART is Murderbot's friend. And maybe that is... agreeable]

Rogue Protocol has more than twice as many instances of the word 'friend' as any of the other novellas. Why? Miki. Friendship and its implications for non-humans are a central theme because Miki is friends with everyone. Murderbot initially scoffs at the notion that Miki and Miki's humans are friends. At the end of the book, after witnessing how desperately Don Abene tried to stop Miki from trying to save them, and her grief after its death, Murderbot has to admit that she had in fact been Miki's friend. [Inference: Humans can be friends with bots and can sincerely care about them]

In Exit Strategy, Murderbot tentatively uses the word "friends" for its humans for the first time (several times actually). It questions whether it can actually call them its friends or not and later realizes that it had been afraid what admitting that the humans are its friends would do to it. At the end of the book, Mensah tells Murderbot the PresAux crew are its friends, which is the first time a human has directly said that to it (at least on-page). [Inference: Humans can and want to be Murderbot's friends]

In Network Effect, Murderbot seems to be more habituated to the word 'friend', confidently calling ART and Ratthi its friends, like it is no longer just trying the concept on unsure if it fits. There are many instances in which other characters refer to MB as ART's friend or the other way around and Murderbot's humans refer to Murderbot as their friend several times. Generally, there seems to be less hesitancy, because yes, all of them are Murderbot's friends, why wouldn't they be. [Inference: SecUnits can have friends. This SecUnit has friends. They care about it a lot.]

Conclusion: The Murderbot Diaries tell the story of a construct that does not seem to consider the possibility of friendship for itself and is fine with that - until it accidentally starts caring a little too much and suddenly more and more people annex it as a friend (ew) to the point where it can no longer deny that this is happening and has to begrudgingly admit that yes, it has friends now and maybe that is actually not a bad thing.

#the murderbot diaries #murderbot #𓄿 #hi i'm READY to write a thesis about murderbot i am having way too much fun with this #i created a pretty excel spreadsheet and everything #i don't know why i did this but now i can look at them while i think about this more! so i figured i'd share them haha #i didn't count uses of 'friendly' but special shoutout to when MB is all alone in its cold cubicle missing 20% of its body mass #and starts putting on a show because 'the friendly noise would keep it company' 😭😭 #i feel sick thinking about murderbot all alone on its own not knowing what its like to have friends watching media for 'the friendly noise' #also YES okay i wanted to make a point about miki there but i just #couldn't bring myself to talk about that more so... yeah #also uhhh this data is very subjective #i didn't count particularly ironic uses of 'friend' and generally did not count every instance of friend and sometimes it was a hard call #also i probably shouldn't have counted the times murderbot refered to drones or secsystems as its friends (often after hacking them) #but murderbot does seem to care about them and shows kindness and respect and sometimes points out that a system is friendly #so while i don't think MB means “friend” in the same way referring to them as when it refers to ART for instance #i still think its CUTE and also kinda funny how many times that happened so i decided to keep those!!! #but yeah take my data with a grain of salt lol

[puppyeared]

i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand

#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona #its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around #one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them #making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth #i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since #memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an #association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont #fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell #on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one #dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong #despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them #interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing #i struggle find a balance between those two things #actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of #her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard #or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it?? #maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard #although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh #yapping #oc talk #oc

[merverelli]

just a couple of dirty bean boys!

#jacksepticeye #just like art #this was SO CLOSE to never being finished #art machine (me) broke halfway through but we did it #uni is............. going #even though im only doing 2 subjects im losing it man #i think its just ALL OF THE GROUP PROJECTS IM DOING #like my groups are fine theyre all sweet and nice but i just. #just let me do it by myself let me take 100% control without guilt let me only depend on myself doing it #im such a damn follower with group projects please itd be quicker if it was just me making my own shots instead of a second party coming in #and asking for my opinion when my opinion is always ''do whatever you want :)'' because i either dont mind OR i dont have the social energy #to say otherwise like theyd be fine with it but i just cant do it man i got anxiety of the social kind i cant keep going man i cant #i dont like feeling like im letting down other people or that theyre depending on me im bad under pressure #JUST LET ME DO IT ALONE AND ONLY DISAPPOINT MYSELF BRO CMON #the group projects are wrapping up soon so i cant complain but im screaming #besides that ive been good thanks for asking!

[blackpilljesus]

I find community discourse incredibly annoying. People are often like "Wheres's the community? We need community! People are so individualistic these days". Individualism gets a lot of criticism but nobody ever questions why this happens. While there are some merits to communities, historically communities have mainly benefitted the priviledged. Most communities evolve into divide-and-rule politics where some are seen as more deserving than others (based on things that cannot be controlled). If you're a marginalised person, more often than not you get bs from communities, not love and protection as advertised.

When you're on the short stick side of the divide-and-rule politics in communities, communities are dangerous for you. It will be seen as acceptable to abuse & put you in horrible conditions simply bc of what you are. Those who abuse tend to be in higher positions in communities so when you call them out people wouldn't care or believe you. You'll be punished when you fight back however. When you're marginalised in a community you receive the worst brunts from people and it's seen as okay to be less deserving of support. You wont be supported in community.

People talk about "safety in numbers" but when the community faces trouble, they will have no problem abandoning or sacrificing the marginalised to save themselves at large. Communities have no problem throwing others away or isolating them once it benefits them. Alot of the time people are used & abused in communities so they're fed up with that, fed up of being treated like second class citizens in communities.

Look at the way communties people reminisce about & yearn for actually turned out. "We had community back in the day" yeah the same ones full of predatory uncles that would abuse women & children and get defended, the same communities full of victim blaming & shaming women + girls for being abused, the same communities where some were implicitly told they were more inferior but if they obeyed those higher up in power they can be forgiven. People talk about a lack of a "third place" bc of the rise of secularism so less are going to places of worship but many people leave those communities (even if their faith is still intact) because of corruption & abuse. The judgements & hypocrisy in these places is a lot (one of the reasons I personally left religion & the community too).

Best believe if you can hold your own down, being in a community is more dangerous than being alone bc like i said when things go south your ass will be on the chopping block first. Hell if people just want to abuse, they'll go for the marginalised first & so much abuse is enabled in communities. They'll ostracise & shun you and the threat of that alone keeps many in line to uphold abusive structures in place in communities.

"But humans are natural social creatures that want to be in groups" is something I hear often & that should make you stop and think of how so many people going against this instinct to survive says a lot about how dangerous alot of communities are. It's our nature to socialise, be in groups yet it's chosen to be independent because of the danger groups actually present when you're not seen as a valued member of them.

At this point people would either say "look inwards" or "find better communities out there" but the problem is that status in communities isnt entirely based on the merit of the way you behave. Finding communities where you're accepted & valued IRL tends to be based on things you cant control. It's not like the internet where you put yourself out there & eventually find your community even if they live all over the world. In reality it's another ballgame, people are more closed off & judgemental if you dont fit certain standards so it's more difficult to find places where you'll fit in. Also, as mentioned the determining factors of the way you'll be treated in communities are based on things you cant control, your characteristics will do more speaking and determination for you. So it's not as easy as just "find a better community". Given the way activism is on the internet, many people forget how conservative & hostile the real world actually is. Things like sexism, colorism, racism, ableism, homophobia, lookism etc; play a big role in most communities irl which is why many people seek alt communities online even though those come with issues of their own but to not stray away from the point this is why many people arent fucking with -irl- community shit anymore.

This discource pisses me off because when you constantly receive crap from communities people blame you for it but when you leave you get badgered for not having or being part of community. Communities benefit the priviledged as they uplift those on top, they get to take more from communities & enrich themselves while those at the bottom get fucked over and it's no wonder so many people get fed up and decide to put things into their own hands than risk being in/trusting communities that wont hesitate to risk or end your life over bs. I know that not all communities out there will be horrible but as mentioned finding communities IRL where you'll be accepted as a marginalised person is difficult. Finding equitable communities where everyone is held accountable for their actions, where people genuienly help each other to get by & survive over divide-and-rule politics is difficult.

People complaining about lack of community but wont address the rampant abuse that happens in them tells me they dont care about community spirit as they claim they just want pools of people to exploit and are disguising it under communal spirit & protection. I dont fw communities & sometimes people will tell me i cant do everything alone, no man is an island -good thing i'm a woman then lol- but fr the people this crap comes from are the type of people that make communities suck & i wouldn't want to be in a community with them anyways bc they're horrible & would just exploit. Individualism is on the rise because so many of us marginalised people who grew up in communities realise we're better off alone & idc what anyone says if they feel they're better off within communitities then bet but a lot of the time others are better off alone. And icl one positive of capitalism is that it gives you a chance to rely on communities less & have a more independent lifestyle. Yes there's still a level of people/community engagement but we're not as tightly bound to a community like a small tribe in a village bc tbh i'd probably be dead by now if i had to live & rely on others that way.

Instead of just criticising individualism & guilt tripping people to join communities, if people actually care do inflection about your "communities". Except this wont happen bc this isnt about community spirit but looking for others to exploit which is why it's being aggresively pushed.

#Also communities isolate people anyways #Yes being alone can also make things dangerous; it isnt perfect & if communities see you they'll view u as a easy target but overall #i personally find it better to be independent of 'community'; doesnt mean i isolate myself tho #If you find good communities out there stick with them; Im not saying isolate yourself; you can work with people but keep distant #dont tie yourself into community #Personally I think people fearmonger around being independent so they cant hold the threat of being ostracised from communities over you #anti community #community

[andromeddog]

🧍‍♂️

#my art #oc stuff #anselm lustig #stahlhelm #ww1 art #anselm is a stormtrooper who keeps getting blown up #and stahlhelm is his weird tulpa that refuses to leave him alone #two worsties <3 #hello. i have been sick and busy and busy and sick but i’m trying to make more stuff #THERES A TYPO ITS SUPPOSED TO BE ‘fühlst du dich’ not ‘fühlst du bich’ #IM SORRY……….. i didn’t even translate it myself i was just copying it and still got it wrong #lame. walking into the sea. to anyone who speaks german i am apologizing profusely from the sea floor

[blujayonthewing]

pitched battle inside my brain between the part of me that's desperately shaking myself by the shoulders going "YOU HAVE GOT TO ACTUALLY LIVE THE KIND OF LIFE YOU IMAGINE INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING AROUND IMAGINING IT UNTIL YOU DIE!!" and the part of me that's clutching my face going "is this allowed? is this allowed?? is this allowed???"

#trying to plan a solo cicada pilgrimage and getting brainworms about it yeehaw #'making a lot of plans and never actually doing things in real life' has been a problem for literally as long as I can remember #but I also feel like I've developed a learned helplessness over the last several years that's gotten worse as I've gotten older?? #me age twenty: I think I'm gonna take myself to chicago next week because I feel like going to the zoo #me age thirty: am I allowed to go camping alone. am I allowed to do a solo road trip. I need a grownup #to be extremely clear I am very much allowed and this is not justin's fault and I don't know where it comes from #like I'll run things by him lowkey seeking 'permission' that I don't even need and he'll be like 'yeah that sounds good to me' #and then I STILL won't do the thing because like. my brain keeps insisting there needs to be a grownup in charge?? HELLO I'M GROWNUP #anyway I'm doing cicada trip solo BECAUSE-- the drive is so long I want to do five days because two of them will just be driving #and he can't get that much time off work right now #AND because I literally only want to Be Camping and Looking At Bugs but he'd get bored of a week of that he likes Activities #me this morning getting insecure and weird: what are your thoughts... on cicada voyage.... #him after at first not even understanding the question: I'm SO excited for you?? you deserve to get to go absolutely feral??? #I do.... ;n; 💕 why am I so scared to be a person....... #about me #cicada journey

[autisticlee]

is it an autistic experience to ALWAYS be the one in a friend group who gets left out, alienated, secretly disliked, then kicked out of the group?

#autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #asking autistics #i want/need a friend group but it ALWAYS GOES BAD!!!!!!!! AND ITS SOMEHOW ALWAYS MY FAULT?! idk what im doing wrong. people suck. #but i need people and i hate that about me. why cant i split myself in half a few times #or learn how to do group activities alone....like playing tennis. going to the amusement park ive wanred to go to since i was a kid. #drive alone on long trips where i will fall asleep but talk to myself so i dont or something. walk on the park trails alone where people #get kidnapped and stuff when alone. go to a convention and cosplay a group of characters alone. one for each finger.... #if you cant tell im being sarcastic. and doing a bad job. sighs. i hate that i have to do everything i need/want a group for alone because #i cant make friends or make groups keep me in them. assuming because im autistic and they hate me 🙃 #eother that or im a piece of shit and dont realize it!!!!! how am i supposed to know when no one tells me!!!! 😭😭😭😭 #so is it actually me and my fault or is it because im autistic and people just do this to us for some reason #autism stuff

[symbiotic-slime]

would you guys be interested in venom/the magnus archives crossover fan art

#I wanna draw the guys as avatars #also I think it would be a fun challenge to try to make Venom visibly an avatar of the hunt #because they already look like that #but I have ideas for the others :3 #venom #venom comics #venom movies #the magnus archives #I’m going to elaborate in the tags because I can #so Eddie is 100% an avatar of the corruption #and is also the type of guy who willingly became an avatar #he’s so deranged he would be enthralled by the wasp nest in his attic #he would be a victim of the lonely though #like especially comics!Eddie #because his bond with the symbiote is so deep that like. being singular sends him into a depressive spiral #flash is an avatar of the slaughter #but he’s not deranged like Eddie his was more of a result of his situation #like being a bully and then joining the military #very slaughter coded #and yes he’s made up for the bullying so I’m not sure how that would play in?? but he still does have some anger issues #he’s a victim of the web #like one the alcoholism is classic web #and two being manipulated. like the whole agent venom arc where he was essentially being blackmailed by jack olantern #venom is a manifestation of the corruption #an avatar of the hunt #and probably also a victim of the lonely #like I think the idea of being alone as a being who’s whole purpose is to bond and connect with a host would be devastating #recently I think they could probably also be a victim of the desolation given that everyone important to them keeps fucking dying lmao #I’m kinda second guessing myself with flash because he’s just so damn normal like he doesn’t revel in war but I also want to give him one #do any of my followers know both of these. if so please help me out I’m struggling with flash 😭

[sprucewoodmpreg]

secret life has been super fun so far and i'm really enjoying it!! but i have to admit the gimmick makes it feel less and less like a part of the life series as time goes on. not in a bad way or anything, but priorities have shifted from Mostly Normal Minecraft but with the looming threat of death -> each episode is heavily based around tasks; the entire gimmick revolves around artificially influencing what players will do each episode. it's still fun!! but the focus seems to have drifted from the original concept by quite a lot lol

#again i'm. very clearly enjoying myself with this season #it's probably the most fun i've had since last life. maybe. or at least on par with double life #anyways sorry for making yet another post where i sit and get cranky abt the fact that we can't just get 3rd life 2 LMFAOOO #i understand the gimmicks keep things interesting. but i also dont think i'm alone in feeling this disconnect between the initial concept - #of 3rd life VS the kind of Shit We Got Going On Now #i hope this doesnt come off as me complaining LOL i just like to think about the game mechanics a lot

[piplupod]

my method of "getting better" has just been Do Everything Possible and latch onto whatever gives you any sense of purpose and/or joy. and i guess it's been working because i am definitely not in quite the same place that i was a few yrs ago

#like i have tried so many things #any opportunity for trying a thing that is supposed to be helpful is met with ''yeah sure why not'' #counselors love me for it LMFAO #''its impressive that you're willing to try these things :)'' girl if i dont then I'll kill myself. it's not gonna hurt me to try #if it goes badly then i have a breakdown and maybe hurt myself but then i immediately move onto the next thing #and i can always draw shitty art. thats always there for me. i can rotate my OCs in my brain. i can watch a show or listen to a podcast #those are always available if nothing else works out #and maybe it helps that i have a deadline of ''if life is still intolerable by x time then you can kill urself'' dhfjdkl #operating by that makes me want to put in more effort bc theres a time limit #also doing all these things has given me a sense of identity outside of having irl ppl around me #i couldnt control that for a long time (very very very lucky to have joined the old lady group recently) so i had to make do #and it is hard and it is scary and it is very often nearly unbearably lonely. but when u throw urself headfirst into ur own stuff #then u don't focus so much on the Aloneness of it all. and also u get to post abt ur hobbies and stuff and make friends online that way #idk !!! it is a hard spot to pull urself out of but taking a single step at a time is incredibly helpful #trying things and doing things and keeping on trucking gets u thru it one way or another #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #suicide mention

[puppyeared]

i wanna post my skip to loafer art but i cant do it knowing ppl are gonna put it on tiktok and pinterest bc itd be like. bringing an invasive species ykwim

#my meds just kicked in so im feeling talkative but truly idk how to explain it #its like. with anything else id be more than happy to introduce it to ppl like monkie kid and mp100. witch hat maybe but its personal to me #but skip to loafer is special to me. and i feel bad for saying this bc other ppl do deserve to watch smth they will enjoy #hell the reason i got into it was bc my friend was kind enough to lend me her copy and i got hooked #its so ironic im saying this esp given how insecure i am abt depicting characters wrong. but i really dont want to look thru the tags #and see them on a 'can i copy your homework' tier list. or ppl getting mad abt why egashira mitsumi and shima cant just be a throuple #its just!! i wont stop you if thats how you like to engage with the show or how you interpret it bc ill just ignore it and leave u alone!! #and theres no objective wrong way of doing it!! and i know that interacting with the work is what forms a community after all!! #but keeping it tight knit is just easier for me bc nobody has to worry abt making each other laugh and we can enjoy it for what it is #fully aware im saying this as someone whos drawn monkie kid art with text post memes and owl house draw the squad templates #but at the same time i just. dont want to explain myself or give ppl reasons why shima and mitsumi are ace coded just bc it 'feels right' #fandom is a communal thing and it feels so hypocritical thinking this. too many conflictng thoughts that idk what to act on #yapping

[skunkes]

#i keep having little things in my life that make me go god i want to leave #but like. it wld take too long. #it wouldnt be an immediate change #i would still need to relearn to drive which would take forever bc i hate it #and i would need to look into certs that wld get me employed #or anything that wld get me employed #i know the time will pass anyway but that doesnt work for my brain that has trouble Startin especially when theres no light #at the end of the tunnel. like doing those things wont guarantee me a job so why bother #i get lulled back into well living here isnt so bad i can take it. moving out would be worse. id be alone and i wouldnt #feed myself and id have a job i hated #but then Something Happens and the cycle repeats and im miserable #and i want to leave but how can i. and it would take forever. so ill stay. but it sucks. and i want to leave. but how can i. and it w #talkys #i can take it. but not for much longer. but i can. but i cant. but i have to. but i dont want to. i can. i cant #idk how people Live #my issue is i want to leave Now i want to leave Yesterday.

[babyfairy]

i think i might need like a week of solid isolation

#my anxiety about communicating just keeps getting worse to the point where every conversation i have feels unnatural #i don’t feel like anyone understands me at all and it makes me want to be alone for a while #i just feel defeated lol i’m so sick of trying to explain myself and my thought process or emotions or whatever it’s pointless

[illumiera]

sewed again for the first time since last summer and it felt like taking a little breath of fresh air

#lollygagging with lumi #rambling beyond this point -> #i stopped when nana got sick and it's been hard to make myself do anything (let alone sew) since then #but she needed a pair of pyjama pants hemming and we're the same height so it was an easy enough job #she's the one who passed her machine down to me so i know i'll keep it for a long long time (it's already about 20 years old!) #on tuesday it was exactly six months since the diagnosis #wild. especially since all the statistics said there was such a slim chance of her still being here six months post-diagnosis #don't mind me—it's just good to blep things out in silly little tags now and then so i don't vent at people!!

[silenthillbunni]

.

#1st ​my sister was passive aggressive bc i was boiling pasta when she wanted to make her dinner #so she slammed stuff nd chopped veggies aggressively #nd i felt my heart rate spike nd my body go tense nd i always get clumsy nd drop things nd hurt myself when i get that way #but they think i deserve feeling awful bc of mistakes in the past so i cant ask them to stop #i've been walking around w lots of heavy things nd im barely keeping it together #nd i got so mad bc she wouldnt stop so i started slamming the cabinets nd then left when i was done #then my mom nd other sister got home nd i just wanted to ask my mom smth #when i open my door my other sister goes 'omfg already?' #'immediately when we get home i never get a break. it's almost disgusting' #i just got so.. i realized how pathetic nd childish i am so i just went into my room #but then apparently my sister said to mom that *i* was the only one being passive aggressive #so she comes in to talk when i was having my dinner so i said that i plz just wnna eat my dinner #she didnt know nd she's never cared but i wanted to hurt myself so badly i was struggling not to #but then she started screaming at me for being childish nd passive aggressive nd that i never do anything #she left my room. she still talks to my sisters so i know it's onlg me shes sick of #idk.. today is bad bc i cant talk to her nd i dont have ANYONE else to talk to im all alone #and now i barely even wanna go outside my room bc apparently my family thinks i wnna mess w them just for going to the bathroom lmao #i hate myself so much. im so pathetic. im 25yrs old living at home being a burden #nd im just a pathetic nd childish person. i 'need' to talk nd vent nd rant nd #like if i buy some things i have these need to like do a mini haul or if i get books from the library #i wnna show my mom what books i got #it's so childish. i do feel bad for my mom to have to deal w me nd my annoying personality #why cant i jusy be normal. no wonder why i can never keep friends or my family doesnt wnna talk to me. everything abt me fkn sucks #anyway im just feeling so bad and so alone bc my moms mad at me so now i have no one to talk to