#i live for chaos and chaos alone

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Market based mistakes.

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#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #wen chao #wen zhuliu #Apologies for how much I skipped in the last part of this episode. #I do love the scene of Jiang Cheng regaining his will to live and the ensuing scenes of Wei Wuxian seeing him off at the mountain base. #At the same time I very much want to keep pressing on with the story. #The notes I have are for scenes I did not draw: #I still think a lot about the symbolism of food in both consumption and giving - especially in regards to the Yunmeng Trio. #Prior to JC leaving we see WWX out buying food for him. Something that initially falls through as JC runs back to Lotus Pier. #But here it comes back full circle. WWX gives away a part of himself to be 'consumed' by Jiang Cheng. #It is about being led by desire (JC wanting revenge to losing his will to live to wanting his core back) #and about being bound by duty to do whatever it takes to see those desires through to the end. #JC can't eat until he has his desire to live back. WWX carves out his own ambitions to help another reach theirs. #And it isn't held up as noble! Not even once! He is routinely punished and criticized for this sacrifice. #Being thrown into the burial mounds really is just symbolism for how we can give away every scrap of ourselves to others- #-and find ourselves at rock bottom. Alone. #When you hollow yourself out it just leaves room for something else to fill it. Something worse.

[mixelation]

hey after itatori move in together where does deidara live. alone? with some other poor sap? with them???

itachi wants a cat but tori doesn't. so deidara lives with itachi's five cats

#im kidding he either happily lives alone or has successfully seduced sasori #bc akatsuki is functionally similar but politically very different #so villages can send their own ninja to work as representatives and the idea is to keep any individual from getting out of line #but functionally. it's chaos because no one running it is normal #like kumo makes a move on invading a ninja-less territory and akatsuki goes NO!!!! and then some asshole ninja show up #and i think that's probably a better fit for the type of shit deidara likes doing #deidara: IM A FREE SPIRIT BABY #sasori: we spent nine hours yesterday listening to konan try and mediate a trade negotiation #deidara: FREE! SPIRIT!!!!! #reborn au #it's okay itatori have a guest room

[cat-hybridcellbit]

I honestly don’t care who wins Purgatory I just need BOLAS?!?! to deteriorate even further and become absolute menaces to Soulfire. This event is the most fun when the players are acting unhinged!

#if Bolas Rojas menaces Soulfire and Soulfire wins I count that as a victory! #qsmp #qsmp purgatory #I live for chaos and chaos alone lmao

[chaos-has-theories]

Absolutely obsessed with this one random urban fantasy novel from 1919 btw

#living alone #stella benson #I found it at random on a podcast app a few years ago and I think about it all the time #I kept forgetting about my weaving to go 1919? Really? Huh? #sweet mother i cannot weave slender calliope has struck me with bafflement and awe #anyway I'm rereading it now #chaos reads

[zeb-z]

even Pac, head in hands ‘I don’t want to play anymore’, this is MISERABLE man there’s no way their children survive this

#I wake up. see Pac is live. go yay morning crew is back my usual stream is back :D entirel forgetting #we got the cool Pac skin but at what cost :( #dude also Tubbo fhsjkfjdj saying red is the strongest I mean maybe because they’ve accepted their losses already and gone full chaos but #it took them 6 over the course of spread out hours whay it took etoiles alone I cannot understate this #HFJSJFJD HE CHEERED FOR FITS DEATH EVEN. THEYRE NOT SURVIVING THIS #live blogging #qsmp #mcyt #qsmp purgatory #z speaks

[coco0milkshake]

Gonna be spreading my ‘Rusty befriends and takes care of Nine’ propaganda because I REFUSE to believe they leave him alone in the Grim

#sonic prime #I read like 3 fics about their dynamic and now I want more #the whole reason nine was like that because he was alone and had nobody til he met sonic #and you’re telling me he loses his only friend and has to live the rest of his life alone and hated by everyone??? #nah I don’t think so #can I rant for a little bit? #Thorn and Rusty are hypocrites #Thorn kicked out the scavengers and literally starved them #and she attacks them everytime they go looking for food #yeah the scavengers shouldn’t have been uhhh what’s the word #taking more than they should and destroying the jungle #but Thorn didn’t have to STARVE them when she could’ve just explained why they shouldn’t do that #yeah they forgave her but what makes Thorn different from Nine #when he’s doing the same thing she did yet gets hated by everyone (except sonic ig) #and Rusty has definitely hurt people considering she worked for the chaos council #and is the reason why the No Place gang almost sunk like a few times #again what makes her different from Nine? #AND (I forgot which episode) when Sonic was talking to Nine he was actually listening and probably wouldn’t have attacked #if literally everyone didn’t show up like- 😀 #and Nine took it as another betrayal from Sonic and panicked that turned into anger #and Sonic didn’t even reassure him or told the group off because he FINALLY got some progress #only for it to go down the drain #like was that revenge for Sonic not listening to THEM the last 2 seasons? #anyway I feel like Rusty would be the one to understand Nine the most considering they were both used by the council #rusty rose #oh yeah Nine Sails and Mangey deserve to be brothers #miles nine prower

[berryblu-arts]

th-them... <3<3<3!!!

(naomi is not licking her!!! shes sticking her tounge out, i was just too lazy to fix it; she´s not a gross germ gremlin; just a brat lmao)

#okayy; count this as a de stress doodle i should absolutely left for later #ya girl is still taking abyssmal descitions after yesterday´s incident </3 #anyways; thinking abt them <3 the siblings ever <3 #false prophecy child; kid who spent about 8 years straignt alone trying not to die; and chaos gremlin #that is an incredible over simplification of their lives lmao #all 3 are related but its funky; nao and akira are literal blood siblings but havent seen each other in years; nao barely remembers him :( #meanwhile nyx goes into the picture bc their dad picked her up after she ended up in egarim (mirror dimension) #oh theres so much to unpack here abt their designs but ill leave that for another day #unless im asked? 👀please ask me abt my ocs 👀 #<- that is a trap; i will not shut up if anyone gives me a reason to start #my art #my ocs #naomi #akira #nyx #huh this doesnt even belong to a specific story #epilogue #i guess... #oh also forgot to mention nyx is related to them bc she´s from the past and comes from the same clan as their mom :>

[fazcinatingblog]

More like IF I come back amirite, also stop making me feel guilty, also learn to spell (paralegal? Parallel? ...never mind doesn't parramatta), also like it's my fault she hires 53 accountants that can only do accounting and 1 admin person to send out the tax returns and invoices and

#this whole thing makes me mad #like I'm sorry okay i didn't want this to happen #other people are mad at me too and have to fly to Sydney alone and sit next to strangers at Taylor and #I'm letting down more important people than one little suburban accounting firm #like my parents have to deal with a week where all three of their kids are going through stuff #plus my nana needs stuff as well #and Charlotte needs looking after but she's got her childcare and the other grandparents but still everything's a mess #and then there's my housemate i mean she's okay i hope i didn't infect her and if so thank God i didn't infect her BEFORE taylor #no idk all round it's a pretty shit situation #Sophia have some perspective #oh and Collingwood just lost to norf Melbourne #Angus Brayshaw retired #There are no rules anymore it's all chaos and anarchy and we're living in the unknown #tom Phillips is at Carlton #Trent bianco has disappeared off the side of the earth and his mother has every mystic in the country looking for him #and I'm just alone watching modern family episodes trying to remember how Haley and Andy get together #when he's sitting outside the wedding in a taxi asking Haley if she meant a specific person or just in general #and Haley's crying because she wants him and finds him funny and cute but Alex told her off for having a crush on him and getting involved #fuck Alex #anyway where was i #oh yeah i don't know #discussing IF i come back and not when #wait no #i don't know #I've lost the plot

[ronsenburg]

I can’t believe I started this AU five years ago as a silly joke and now I’m absolutely feral over it.

Because!

Because for Felix it’s like, what if you’ve never been able to trust a single emotion you feel because you can’t be sure if it’s your own or if it’s someone else’s that you’ve mistakenly collected into your subconscious? What if you’ve never been able to trust a single emotion someone’s felt about you because you can’t be sure if it’s what they actually feel or if it’s your own that you’ve mistakenly projected onto them? So you resolve not to feel at all, to train your mind and body until you’re more a weapon than a person, and set yourself on an arrow-straight trajectory, always moving forward. But how do you stay the course when the only person who has made you want to feel is always there, footstep for footstep, urging you along? What truly scares you more, that they don’t mean the things they say, that the devotion they claim to feel is just a resonance of the feelings they inspire in you? Or that they do? You are a weapon, now. You are only capable of inflicting pain. But for a weapon, you do so fear the fresh wound’s sting.

Because for Sylvain it’s like, sometimes you become the thing you fear the most simply by trying to run away. You were born to prove someone else’s point, to provide validity to a interplanetary thesis. Raised by one parent to triumph in a war that ended before you were even born, by the other to carry the banner of a legacy. Little thought was given to your wishes. You sit squarely between two worlds, a human tether, but what—or who—is it that tethers you? You’ve loved him for so long, now. It doesn’t feel the same, loving anyone else, no matter how many times you’ve tried. So what will you do when he leaves, when he abandons you to the emptiness you’ve been trying to drown in the depths of your feelings for him? When it is only you, left in the dark. Without the legacy, without the future that was chosen for you. Who do you become, then?

Because.

#girl help I have been lost in my feelings over this for so long #10k and six different word documents and I don’t even have a single coherent scene because #it’s all just thoughts and emotions and outlines #I should give up and move on but #screaming shaking crying #it’s felix nearly starting a war after two minutes of accidentally glimpsing the chaos inside dimitri’s head #it’s mercedes so full of guilt for abandoning her own brother that she follows felix across the galaxy to be someone he can lean on #and it’s sylvain #sylvain retiring from starfleet at the age of 23 due to an injury that Felix inadvertently caused #one that should be fixable but isn’t because it’s more than just flesh that’s damaged #and having to live a life that’s his alone and not a product of his parent’s influence #and all of them still ending up back on the deck of the uss faerghus because their love for dimitri is so complete #I’m going to delete this in an hour when I’m less emotional #I need a tag for this au so you all can block it #tactility: a primer

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Ok real talk, looking for advice from other DnD’ers... at what point do you just nuke your character?

Rant/more info in tags.

#the group I play in (not the group I run) aka my first venture into DnD #they told me to play as a bard. #no one told me how f*cking hard it is to try to manage a bard #let alone to be USEFUL as a bard in a mid level experienced campaign with power gamers and lots of dungeon crawls #after slogging my way through the first ten or so combat scenarios and realizing I am quite literally useless #I found fun again by just becoming chaos unhinged #I touch things I shouldn't #i drink things I shouldn't #I basically live by the motto 'eh we all die sometime' and just do things to spice up the game/make things interesting #but any time there's combat I position myself outside the fighting somehow #most recently everyone went inside to search a property and I stayed outside petting the ponies #because I know I can't be useful and would only be in the way/prolong things #but comments have started getting made that honestly make me want to not play at all #our last game I sent a PM to the DM asking if my character should mysteriously disappear or kill herself #because I could tell that everyone was annoyed with me and it just instantly stopped being fun #I spent the remaining two hours in silence with my mic muted crying and waiting for the game to be over #I talked to the DM and he said that there are lots of things I can do #I reminded him I have only successfully dealt damage once in the entire campaign and it was like 2 points #I told everyone I just want to stay out of combat so I'm not in the way #I believe I phrased it 'I'm going to go be useless somewhere else' #but everyone is mad when I don't fight #and frustrated when I do because it takes so long and I never accomplish anything #and I know we're nowhere near the end of the campaign #I like my character a lot... I just want to stay out of combat until I level up enough to be useful

[kethabali]

yall.. ive been gathering up energy since the semester ended and i finally cleaned out my fridge today.. there was over 20 dishes to wash and a 30 gallon trash bag filled completely i also broomed and mopped my room and the kitchen and wiped down the counters

#it was insane bro #i cant believe i was living like that #like wow i knew livoing alone was gonna cause some chaos but this might be the worst it ever got so far #fortunately i am moving soon #so i think that will help a lot of things #for one i think theres a dishwasher (hopefully it works)and laundry in the building #two its 20 minutes from my school #three the layout is much smaller so it will be less cleaning #the layout is also a favorite of mine from other places ive lived so i think i'll even enjoy cleaning.. #bathroom is also my favorite layout so cleaning it and myself should be more approachable as well #overall if theres no hidden horrors in that place i should be much better off #also back in my favorite neighborhood so im happy about that very much #anyways i feel like ive been living in such chaos the last semester and now im resetting and its good but also im worried #bc what if it goes back to that state of chaos i just cant i hate when im in that state i cant think logically #and when i cant think money gets wasted and i feel like shit from not taking proper care #overall bad experience and i just want long term goodness and stability man #ive had enough last semester had to wake up early too much and classes were WAY TOO LONG ive learned 1.5 hr class 2x a week is better for m #actually audhd #actually adhd #actually autistic #🧃 #but one step at a time right.. i can do it.. #i wonder how much adhd meds would help #if only i could get DIAGNOSED somewhere grrrrrrrr #i bet they would help with the executive dysfunction #which is the main issue #and maybe i need to start paying more attention to my sensory needs so i use up spoons slower #i was doing more of that last spring and it was a good semester despite the stress from that chemistry class #this semester is all my favorite subjects and only 4 classes #earliest class is @ 11 and thats only twice a week

[bahoreal]

ive struggled super hard these past two years through a nasty breakup and moving back to my parents and struggling through my mothers shit treatment then my awful job that sucked all the life out of me for months on end and destroyed my self esteem then my health issues on health issues and my mental health taking a severe slide i just. i always had into1 they really made me so happy and there was always something to make me smile. and i always knew they were a temporary group but the reality didnt really hit me, it still hasnt really hit me that theyre not together any more... i miss them already and its only been like 3 hours. when something has really meant a lot to you for that long its so difficult to let go even when you knew it was going to end. i have some close close friends i met through being fans of into1. they truly brought so many people together and they love each other so muvh and its not the end of their friendship but its the end of them publicly interacting.. theyll be out there on their own but them being a group was really the peak for me, the interactions and seeing them be such close friends... its what rly made me happiest. this is so rambly im sorry i just have a lot of emotions. its sort of like losing an emotional crutch and theyve been so much to me for so long. you can tell by how much of my art folder over the past two years has just been into1. this is just from my phone as well i don't save all my art on my phone

im just. im going to struggle without them and adjusting will be. not fun. theyve had such a good influence on my life. im excited to see what they do next but I'm also going to miss them like a missing limb

#ill probably make gifs of jiayuans drama. cause he wears fur and i love yuaner and i want to see if hes any good st acting #chaos man having to rein it in. hilarious. #also riki has been struggling under wjjw cause they made him stay in japan for nine months then didnt make any efforts to get him #on any varieties or anything despite him being a fantastic singer and dancer. hes gonna do great solo. #anyway. i miss them. im struggling already. i love them. i wish them all the success. #i hope theyll continue to give us little nuggets of their live together cause i Know theyre not leaving each other alone #but kmowing theyll never dance together never perform together... im gonna miss that so much... #theyre all such hard workers and its so satisfying to see 11 people who all care passionately all coming together to make beautiful things #dianjing superiority honestly

[firelord-frowny]

yeah lmao i definitely dont like my psychiatrist anymore

not that she's doing or saying anything wrong, but she is definitelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy not able to see where im coming from about pretty much anything important.

BUT WAIT thats not true lmao she is doing or saying something wrong! she keeps trying to Do Therapy on me even though i already have a therapist that i really really like and who understands me extremely well and just

idk im so fucking annoyed right now lmao.

#there is something that feels so fucking patronizing about the way she says that i ~love nature~ #like Caring About The Natural World is a cutesy little hobby #like no #its a spiritual need #it occupies the same space in my being as someone who's devoutly religious #and im not interested in ~learning how to not be so bothered~ by all the chaos global warming is causing #literally i consider it my spiritual DUTY to pay the natural world its proper respects #by grieving for it #because SOMEBODY has to #you can't just watch a living breathing sentient being suffering through a slow death and Not Be Bothered by it #unless you're a fucking sociopath or something #when you see a living thing in constant pain you feel sad for it #well the corals are fucking bleaching and the sea levels are rising and the literal air is toxic and im fucking bereft over it ok #leave me alone

[woonderfullie]

Quasi-Kuro related ramblings about the demons under the cut

(most of it is in the tags)

Demons as catalysts for change and upheaval, or at least ardent advocates for it, using their presence to tip the scales

Could demons be summoned with less for less, through sacrifices that don't involve bloodshed but still have the power to drastically alter the course of one's life?

#woonderfull rambling #not canon in the slightest #psa vis a vis the tags: i was very sleepy and going /through/ it when i wrote these and it shows 乁⁠ ⁠˘⁠ ⁠o⁠ ⁠˘⁠ ⁠ㄏ #kuroshitsuji #The cultists make no true sacrifices tied to their own identities. They offer nothing of value. They'd return to their lives unchanged! #Its just set dressing and debauchery for the sake of debauchery #In contrast O!Ciel's existence has been irreversibly transformed. #the vibes of supernatural elements acting as facilitators for the evil acts of humanity (initially well-intentioned or otherwise) #“There is no will in the angels but something higher than the will” #forget the dichotomy between good and evil; I'm talking law vs chaos #law embodies the divine. demons cannot completely shed the vestiges of heaven manifesting in the form of rules and contracts #“He alone could discern light and darkness Who also could foreknow before they fell those who would fall.” #Imagine being confined within the boundaries of your predetermined destiny only able to subtle subvert your purpose(⚆ᗝ⚆) truly a vibe kille #Humanity: the beings that have the capability for true chaos and 'evil'. Vessels for rebellion #*shakes Christianity* You can fit so many headcanons in here ⊂(･ω･*⊂) #This was ghost written by Thomas Aquinas #Oh my papa hasn't given me the capability for true free will? It's a shame left all these humans about... #I mean back to canon-relevant things: the Reapers as an organisation (arguably an antagonist to Sebastian ) pretty much embody order. #Not to imply they're angels but you know?? #Let's not acknowledge whatever the undertaker is doing right now - he's single-handedly going to shoot holes in this post with a gatling gu #but then again I don't entirely subscribe to the school of thought that all devils = fallen angels so 😬😮‍💨 #the tags got away from me admittedly ಠ⁠﹏⁠ಠ

[cynicism-and-idealism]

I've never lived by myself before. Sure I've had my own spaces, and for a very brief stint in the military I had my own dorm room, but that's not really living alone, that's not complete and full autonomy over your space, your actions, yourself. There's always considerations of other humans in environments like that.

It's an experience I wanted. I told my spouse, I'm going to get a place for a month, to see what it's like. Just a month, locally, I'm not vanishing, I'll just be down the road. I want to know what it's like to live alone, but also I don't want to leave my beloved mountain town.

I had a few thoughts around it. It's been a hard winter, and we've been on the rocks a little, our dynamic shifting. It's a transition period for me and those are always rough for him. I wanted some space, to let winter related frustrations and cabin fever run its course safely, not let that stress cause damage other places. It's always easier for us to talk through stuff when we're physically separate anyway. I went into this with as much consideration for him as I did for me.

I wanted the space to be able to think through what this transition looks like. What he and look like. What that means for the future. To have the space to authentically have the conversations. I also wanted the space for discovery.

Who am I? Who am I without consideration of others? Who am I when all I have to do is exist for me?

Who am I?

When I don't have to consider the impact on other people, what do my actions look like?

When I don't have to take into account other people, what do I do? How do I behave? What do I say? What do my days look like, my evenings, my time?

who am i

When I can choose when, where, and how I have another human being in my space? Who am I, when I can choose whether or not to engage with another person's thoughts, feelings, emotional state, wants, needs, desires? Who am I with boundaries.

That's it, there, isn't it.

Who am I, when I am able to be me, wholly, fully, for me, and no one else. Who am I when I'm able to draw a line between the way I exist, and the way another person exists. Who am I when I allow myself to have needs, and allow those needs to be my priority. Who am I when I can be fully, authentically, autonomously me?

what does that look like

Today I had a visceral and shocking dissociative experience seeing myself on a video. I don't know this person. This isn't me. This isn't reflective of how I feel, how I know myself to be, my shape, my sense of self. This isn't the concept of Me that I hold in my mind.

Then again, how could I ever expect to recognize myself if I don't know who I am outside of the simulacrum I've been for every person I've lived with? This shapeless conglomerate of personalities and behaviors crafted to serve others, bursting at the seams, too much to contain within this form any longer.

Who am I is distressing, it's disruptive, it's... well, it's scary. Chaotic. Unknown. But I know change happens in chaos. Discovery. Growth. Opportunity.

I don't know who I am.

But I'm about to find out.

#on life #on relationships #on being human #catalyst #idealism #cynicism #who am I #discovery #chaos being #chaotic #dissociation #retreat #boundaries #on living alone #stream of conciousness

[chaosintheavenue]

Finally finished Sofia Daguerre’s questline, guess it’s Beckett time.

#I'm not hugely fussed on Sofia as a character but I als odon't dislike her #in my mind she's still going to be living in Trin's camp settlement #but her questline was Not My Favourite to say the least #kill this robot. grab this object. kill that robot. grab that object #some 76 quests are definitely like that but this entire quest progression was that and that alone #chaos plays fallout 76 #also! I did put athena into an assaultron body and I've seen an assaultron labelled athena in people's camps before #so whether that's another potential camp ally I don't know