#i may be crying a bit but thats fine two. its insane.

[chorus-communities]

im being weird and sappy this morning under the cut feel free two ignore

its just. ive had such a Time this year this morning has both been restless and the most Calm ive felt in a while. i got woken up at 7am because my stepdad wanted to take me driving (which. means lot. from the most emotionally unavalible man in my whole life, it kinda made me cry ab it to notice he cares in his own weirdo little way). i got two talk to my best friend that im never in constant touch with and it was silly and Fun. i got to vibe and chat with a server i was convinced was full of people who hate me, and promptly was proven wrong. i feel. Comfortable reaching out to people again a little bit. im not nearly as cringe-brain poisoned as iw as when i was friends with any of them i just kinda feel still very depressed but mildly in control of my life again. i went outside two smoke earlier and got to hear the neighbour's chickens and feel the wind and appreciate that the waeather might be shit but holy shit its Outside and everything is alive and fuck. i am alive and will be staying that way. i made it ive lived to adulthood whichis a feat i never even dreamed of even a year ago. i have friends. im socialising. its hit or miss and i will fuck up but there are people here and im not just caged in my own room and brain for the first time in a while. im capable of real love and i love everything. i love the silly people i know in discord kincords. i love my best friends een the ones i barely get two talk two. i love you random follower or mutual whos reading this. its a bit surreal.

#i may be crying a bit but thats fine two. its insane. #chorusing

[perexcri]

hi hi

i just wanted to come on here and show my appreciation for your writing because you truly never fail to befuddle, gobsmack, and ofc flabbergast

like,, literally obsessed with you,, anyway

i dont comment stuff on ao3 because i am Terrified but um i do have a notion board where i log all of my reading stuff and i make comments on there so i thought id share some of my favs that i made on your works

this ripped my soul in half you cannot comprehend

this eternally altered my brain chemistry

this is what love is fr fr

fuck dude

as always this is very well written however i did predict like the entire plot but that is ok i love being right and it was very good some may even say slay idk if id go so far to say that, it may be too high concept for me but it was very good, i did however keep imagining that they both had stinky breath, cuz like will just ate mystery chili and mike presumably hasn’t brushed his teeth in months,, do vampires brush their teeth?

(and then promptly followed by)

one month later i am officially marking this as slay because i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it,, like that last scene where they make out against a cross so mike is being burned while hes turning will,, they’re both in pain together,, just sacrificing your whole life to be with the person you love, oposite of dorothea type thing tbh yah i just think i should grant it its slayage

yah this was so good like insane writing of tension and like idk all of the internal stuff pays of and OMG THE PAYOFF HOLY SHIT THE ENDING SO WORTH IT SO EARNED LIKE INSANE HOLY FUCKKK

i couldn’t stop reading i genuinely felt like i was going to puke from the tension/anticipation/suspense,, the dialogue was really good too and so was the like character study idk if i completely agree with this take on wills character but i really enjoyed in none the less and all in all it did deliver on the rom com of it all and had a very satisfying rom com esc ending that made me cry until it was actually solved because i really cant deal with lack of communication and unresolved tension anyway thats it this was really really good

this might be a bit above my reading level but i read emily dickinson for fun so im powering through just fine

ahhh hello!! thank you for sending such a nice ask and for the appreciation 🥺 i'm glad you decided to share these thoughts you have written down with me!! and i understand commenting can feel a little strange and terrifying, but just know it is appreciated regardless :D (as long as you aren't like,,,actively shitting on the fic ofc lol)

umm i wasn't sure exactly how to tackle this because some of them are clear to me which fics they go to and some of them aren't, but i'm gonna try my hardest and we'll see how it goes 😌✨

1.) so the first one with the "this ripped my soul in half" - i'm gonna guess that's beneath these boughs? maybe? that's the one where i've gotten responses most similar to what you have written down

2.) those next two paragraphs i 100% know are from come to me again!! you can tell i definitely wasn't as focused on the logistics of their later kiss for that fic because i didn't think about the whole brushing teeth/chili thing AT ALL. i picked chili because i thought that would be an easy thing to scrounge up in an enclosed environment and to make easy substitutions for, and i just,,,,,did not think about whether people would brush their teeth in a coldtown or not alfjlas. ah well, it was mainly about them making out on the cross while Mike's flesh is burning and he's turning Will into a vampire, right? that was the main goal and the biggest scene i wanted to write, and i did!! so i consider it a success 😌

3.) okay this one i think might be what a match?? it's either what a match or cheer up baby, but i'm leaning more towards what a match because of the mention of tension

4.) this one is definitely to hell and back again - so i'm glad you liked it despite the tension heheheh. and honestly i would maybe have to agree with you on the thing about Will's character? i guess the big thing with that fic is 1. it turned into an entirely different beast while i was writing it from what i originally intended for it to be, and on top of that it ended up being the first book-length thing i ever wrote, so i was a little in over my head and not entirely sure how to handle it, and 2. i was so focused on whatever the hell had happened to Mike in vol 2 that i did really focus on him more than Will in that fic so i do think Will comes off as a little ahhhh flat? not entirely himself? idk, i'd like to think i've learned a bit more since that fic, and that i made up for Will's lack of character in it with my fantasy au a flower that resembles you, which was very much centered on Will and his complexities

5.) ok i genuinely can't figure the last one out lol. i would maybe say beneath these boughs? but that's what i guessed for the first one, so maybe the first one is a flower that resembles you and this one is beneath these boughs? not sure haha

anyway!! umm idk if my guesses were right, but thanks again for sharing these thoughts!! it does help me to know that you are enjoying what i write and that you have these kinds of thoughts about it :D thanks for stopping by, and i hope you enjoy whatever comes next from this half-functioning brain of mine heheheh :] 💜💜💜

#ask

[toutallyahoe]

Would you be willing to do some headcanons about Percy Jackson with a mortal male reader?

a/n: hc with percy? alright!

i remembered (and please dont hate me for this) that i actually enjoyed the movie. the first one that is, and to be fair, i was young when it came out and me being the child that i was, loved the things that doesnt had me reading (child tou absolutely loathes reading which is ironic as the current me is obsessed with it and is even a writer) and had fallen in love on percy and also luke

that reminds me, i should definitely try writing for luke later afahajdgajhdjsh

anyways, on to the head canons!

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you know what sucks? when youre life is in constant danger and youre a walking prone of death to everyone around you

thats what percy had thought as he found out that he was a demigod

it wasnt all fun and games, percy can tell you that

he was hunted for goodness sake

and percy absolutely hate being a demigod

he hated it more when he just had to fall in love with a boy who isnt like him

[name] was so fucking unfair, if percy had to be honest

that guy was so perfect and great and hot and talented and—

percy could rant to anyone on how wonderful [name] was

but what made [name] so unfair to percy's eyes is that [name] wasnt like him, a demigod

[name] was just a normal boy who doesnt know to always look in all direction or else his life would be in danger

percy doesnt blame [name], it just sucks when you cant be with your boyfriend all the time

and yes, [name] was percy's boyfriend, yay!

the two had been together for three years and all those time, percy wishes he could be with [name] more

it sucks to only be in the distance in order to protect the ones you love

percy was just thankful that [name] was a patient and loyal boyfriend and didnt think he was insane when he told him about percy being a demigod and stuff

[name] was actually a but skeptical but he trusted percy, so he'll believe his boyfriend even if it sounds a bit weird

[name] would truly come to believe everything percy rant to him is true when one day, he got bruises and percy healed him with his water healing thing

wowee, this is a bit angst

anyways, some fluffy stuff because we already have enough sadness bullshit this 2020

when percy finds time to not get killed with the quest or some monsters wanting his head on a platter, percy would immediately try to find you, [name] to make up the time you two havent been together

percy would absolutely laze around in his home or yours, in your arms

percy would is the little spoon, even if he doesnt want to admit it

he just felt safe in your arms

its nice

percy would forget all the close calls of death he always experience and just enjoys the warmth you provide when he is in your arms, feeling safe and that nothing can ever hurt him

percy would also love to hear everything about you

he would rather talk about what you have done for the past few months than his as you were the normality in his life

your life may not be adventurous or daring like his, but its perfect

you're perfect in percy's eyes and he doesnt care if youre just an ordinary guy

also, percy would break down from time to time and vent to you, [name]

we all have to remember that even if percy had vanquished a lot of monsters and had done many quests, he's young to go through that bullshit

so, percy would cry and vent out to you and you could only hug and comfort him

gives him forehead kisses and remind him that everything will be fine

remind percy that youll never leave him and will wait for him (because saying youll be by his side is a total lie with him being a demigod and [name] is a mortal)

but anyways, yeah

percy needs to be spoiled with loves and kisses when he gets to see his boyfriend again

when percy is back at camp, he likes to have a picture of the both of you that you took in your second date in his pocket

he also have many more pictures in his cabin because boy is in love and misses [name] dearly

he just want his boyfriend goddammit

but yeah, percy is a it touch and affection starve and will seek out [name] when he gets back from his quests and visits

so, just be prepared to cuddle all day and remind him that you love him

#ask #headcanon request #percy jackson #percy x male reader #percy jackson x male reader #male reader insert #x male reader #male reader #top male reader #seme male reader

[geminifeed1]

Revival (M)

Warnings: Language. 

angst. 

Pairing: Changkyun x reader.

WC: 1K

Author’s note: Finally! I’ve been struggling to choose how i should end it. I had multiple endings in my head but i decided to go with this one. This is the hardest part I’ve written because i wasn’t sure how i should go with it.

_______________________

Part1 / Part2 / Part3 / Part4 / Part5 / Part6   (Complete) 

“What are doing here? You got some nerve showing up again..” 

“I just need to talk to you.” 

“There’s nothing to be said. Even if there was, you lost the right 2 years ago. You can leave now.” 

“There was a lot i wanted to say to you. I just...” 

"your silence said more than enough"

“I wanted to come and see you, to tell you how sorry i am for all the hell i’ve put you through.” 

“You give yourself too much credit.” 

He smiled.. That damn smile.. “I missed your snarkiness.... i missed you.” 

“Stop it Changkyun...” 

“I did. I missed you more than i've ever missed anything before.“ 

I’m just looking at him.. i know i must look ice cold to him but.. i’m breaking inside.. i hate that he still have effect on me.. i took a deep breath.. i don’t know how i should feel or react. I wanted to hear that so badly, but.. it’s too late now. 

“Will you please just hear me out? i know i don’t Deserve it....” 

“You’re damn right about that.”

“..I know if i don’t, i’m gonna regret it for the rest of my life.”

“As you should.” 

He smiled and looked down at floor then back at me.. “so.. can i come in please? You don’t have to say anything, just listen.” 

Don’t give in don’t give in, close the door now “UGH!.. fine..” must be that smile goddamn it.. I open the door wider for him to come in. “Five minutes counting now.” 

He walked in slowly, as if he was unsure what to do or say, his mind is everywhere and i can tell that he’s nervous. He sat down gathering his thoughts. and i sat on the opposite couch. I can see my friends peeking their heads from my bedroom.. my gosh.. i tried to keep straight face.. thank god his back was toward them.. 

“I know that what i’m about to say isn’t an excuse for what i did but.. i’m gonna say it anyway because i owe it to you. when you first came into my life and we started seeing each other, i wasn’t really planning to fall for you, i’m not a one-girl type of guy, i don’t get feelings by choice. But that night i saw you in Jooheon’s studio.. i didn’t know what’s gotten into me, i couldn’t bear the thought of you with someone else, and i hated it.. i hated that i was changing.. i hated that you became my first thought in the morning.. I hated that while working and doing the only thing i love, i was thinking when can i run home to you. not being able to see and touch you while i was away drove me insane, it scared me. i’ve never felt this way before. i thought i was going crazy ” 

“Thats a lot of hate.” 

“It is! such a dark life i was living right?” giving me a little smile.. he’s trying not to cry.. i don’t think i’ve ever seen Changkyun cry... “I didn’t see the light that was in front of me like the idiot i am.... the fact that i was careless with your feelings and i could see how bad it hurt you, made me feel like shit. I hated that every moment i say or do something that hurts you, i think to myself that i didn’t deserve to be with you because you deserve someone better, can you believe it, me Changkyun, thinking there’s someone better than me!.. but that night when you told me.. how you felt i...  i panicked.. i knew i needed to let you go your own way, and i knew you wouldn’t let go just like that, you’d find a way to fix us, like you always do.. god i was so stupid.. the only thing i could think of to hurt you to the point where you wouldn't look back was Ji.....”

"Don’t say her name!” I didn’t realize i was tearing up until i felt a tear going down my cheek.. i wiped it off with my hand.. “You were never mine anyway. Not really"

He sighed "..I hate that it took me losing you to realize how madly in love i was with you.. When i saw you last night, laughing and smiling with your friends.. reminding me of what i lost.. we didn’t need words to speak, we just looked at each other and smiled.. it kills me now that i'm not the reason behind that smile anymore.” 

"..you had it all. you had it all and you dumbed it in the first trash like it was nothing"

"I know.. I fucked up y/n.."

"You could've had a chance you know.. in the two years you didn't reach out to beg for my forgiveness.. i was half out of my mind with love that i would've giving it to you." wiping more tears.

“I was a coward. And i’m sorry, for everything, for treating you like property when you deserve so much more. I’m sorry for lying about my feelings when i knew exactly how i felt about you. I’m sorry for... well, being a dick. If i didn’t fucked up that night...”

“Maybe everything would be different... but its not.” 

“...even if you never look my way again, i’ll never love anyone else the way i love you.”

I didn’t expect the thing that i was desperately wanting to hear would hurt this much.. it too late now.. everything is different now.. even me.. when i look back at what we were it pains me.. but what’s the point of looking back now. Two years ago i may have chosen him.. but i’m choosing myself this time. 

 “Well, I don’t love you anymore.. but thank you, for giving me that closure i was waiting for. Took long enough.” 

When we reached the door, before he left i asked what i was curious about ever since he told me..

“Wait.. the first night we met, at my birthday.. the blue peonies, you said it means something..” 

“It wasn’t our first time meeting each other you know..”

“What do you mean?” 

“I met you a while back before your birthday, we talked for a bit and i think i asked you if i can see you again, but you said “If you’re lucky” and left without looking back. So when i saw you at a party talking with Jooheony i thought that maybe i was really lucky.. what are the odds.. then i asked him to bring me with him to your birthday, but i was disappointed when you didn’t remember me. Blue peonies represent luck. I thought i was being smart.” He grinned at me. 

“But not smart enough.” I grinned back.

“You’re right, a smart man wouldn’t make my mistake. A smart man would’ve known better. Goodbye y/n, i really was lucky that i met you. and i wish you a very lucky and happy life. The happiest.”  

He smiled at me one last time before turning his back to me.. I can tell that he was holding his tears back, I watch him walk away, i know he’s crying now and i’m crying too..  and as i close the door, it hit me.. i’m not just closing the door of my apartment but also the door of the last chapter in our story.. i felt it all at once. Sadness and hurt but also thankful.. I can’t stop crying.. the scar on my heart never healed like i thought it did.. all these flowers that were dead inside of me started to revive again...

 Oh my god.. i still love him...

________________________

The End.

AN : I think i’m gonna end it here, i hope everyone enjoyed the ride. And i apologize for any mistakes or warnings i should've included. This was my first fanfic. I worked hard on it. Let me know all your thoughts, and see you on the next one.

Jaxness.

#monsta x #monsta x scenarios #monsta x imagines #monsta x fanfic #i.m monsta x #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop fanfic #got7 #got7 imagines #changkyun scenarios #changkyun im #changkyun imagines #changkyun scenario #changkyun fic #changkyun senarios #fanfic #love killa

[honkhonkrichard]

Highway to Hell

My piece for @jwilliambyers for the @it2ficexchange I hope you enjoy it, it was fun to write! I may make this into a series, if people are so interested... we’ll see... Pairing: Reddie (richie/eddie) WC: 4177 Summary: Eddie runs away from Derry and his desperation to escape overrides his paranoia when making a new friend. Warnings: Swearing, mild homophobia, Eddie makes anti-religious/christain comments. this seems a little anti-religion I promise it’s not meant to be.  also There are connotations that Richie is the devil but i promise thats a mix of Eddie being really paranoid, coincidence and Richie being a dramatic shit

Eddie heard him before he pulled up. Before the car lights filtered their way through the fog and the pouring rain, Eddie heard the loud pop music.

Not pop, that’s not the right word. More like… gospel. Pop gospel. It sounded like a preacher singing with a powerful and deep voice. It made Eddie shiver. He hated preachers and he hated gospel music. The lyrics didn’t really match it, though, which was almost comforting.

The light finally came through, blooming into Eddie’s vision, blinding him as it came his way. The music got louder, the silhouette of the car more defined with every beat of the song.

Eddie probably looked awful, hunched over, dripping wet from the rain, shivering, with nothing more than a backpack and a hoodie, walking down the highway at two am.

Because yeah, that’s where he’s at, this point in his life. Eddie Kaspbrak was running away from home.

The car slowed significantly as it passed Eddie, it was almost comical enough, Eddie almost laughed. He settled for a loose snort instead. Then the car stopped and the window, which had been rolled up and too steamed to see through, rolled down. A light in the car turned on and Eddie couldn’t see much more than the fact that this stranger had very curly hair. Two particular tufts looked almost symmetrical, on either side of their head. Like horns.

Luckily, it wasn’t curly like his mother’s hair was, so Eddie wasn’t too concerned. This was clearly someone he didn’t know.

“Hey stranger.” the driver said. His voice was deep and smooth, it was like the auditory version of melted chocolate. It was alluring.

Eddie stopped walking. No - he wasn’t really walking, more like stalking. Sulking.

“It looks like it’s gonna rain, you got a coat, or umbrella?” the stranger’s voice was amused, if he could see his face, Eddie would guess the stranger was smiling.

Eddie glared over to the driver, who was still invisible in the silhouette of the car light. Eddie wondered if the driver could see him.

“You want a ride?”

That stopped Eddie a bit. Mentally he stumbled. His heart lurched at the concept of getting in a car with a stranger. At two am.

All things considered, though, everything about what’s happened today is insane. This isn’t too disorienting. And besides, he could spite his mother.

“Where are you going?” Eddie asked back. He sounded really hoarse, voice rough from crying and not talking over the past week. He felt water drip off his lips and chin. Fuck it was really coming down, huh?

“Anywhere.” The driver responded after a beat of silence. (Not really silence, the rain was loud, his car was still running, and the music was still booming, though it did seem like the music was turned down.) “You’re looking at a grade A vagabond.”

Eddie had heard about people like this before - never in a good light. Always seems like they betrayed God, or something. That’s how Mama always put it.

Well fuck, if Eddie wanted to do anything right now, it was betray God. He betrayed Eddie, reciprocation, you know?  

The driver tilted his head a bit, and a glare of light passed over his features, fixating over his eyes. They were vibrant blue, surrounded by pale, skin.

Only then I am human. The car sang. Eddie felt his heart thump.

“Okay.”

Only then I am clean.

Eddie crossed the street, and felt like he was crossing some invisible threshold. A part of him felt like he was crossing into hell, and this driver, the Devil.

He walked past the front of the car, and to the passenger’s side door. Hesitation sparked at his fingertips. Once he did this, there was no going back.

Come home Eddie! His mother whined into his ear. Please don’t leave me for this filthy runaway!

A dozen voices all at once found their way into Eddie’s head, giving him a feeling of being split open. Words from people he knew - he had seen, or interacted with not 24 hours ago - crawled out from the depths of where Eddie had repressed it, and burned their way down his scalp.

No one likes a sinner, Eddie!

Come home, confess to your sins.

We can help you Eddie!

The door opened.

“It’s unlocked, Stranger.” The driver told him.

Eddie blinked, and crawled into the car.

The harsh orange lighting of the inside of the car was far different to the cold, dark blue and black of the side of the road. Felt good to rest his feet though. Eddie’s mind supplied for the symbolism.

He hadn’t looked at the driver yet. He couldn’t bring himself to look. Something about it seemed sacred.

“So,” The driver asked. He was turned into fetch something from the backseat.

“You runnin’ from something or did you just get lost?” 

“Running.” Eddie said simply.

The driver let out a long, steady hum. The noise made Eddie’s heart stutter. Everything about this... It made Eddie uneasy. He felt lost, and paranoid. More so than he had. Maybe it was the effects of running away. Or maybe just catching a cold

“You wanna tell me your name, stranger?”

Eddie, he thought. My name is Eddie Kaspbrak and I want to find a new home because my old one was crap and everyone I knew made me feel like a mistake please help me please please please.

“Stranger is fine.” he lied.

A towel fell on Eddie’s lap where he had been staring at the wet hem of his shorts. He jumped at the sudden contact - the driver pushed one of Eddie’s curls back behind his ear. It left a burning sensation.

“Stranger it is then.”

Eddie had a sour feeling in his stomach that this driver already knew his name, but he picked up and used the towel anyway.

He glanced over to the driver without thinking about it, and caught himself staring at the drivers hands, rather than seeing his face.

The driver had very long, nimble fingers, and callous hands. All adorned with shiny jewelry. Expensive rings with gems, beautiful designs or eye catching intricacies. They were really nice. There was, however, one that made Eddie nervous, a glossy black skull ring, on his right ring finger. It stared right into Eddie’s heart, piercing his soul.

No one likes a sinner, Eddie.

“I can take it off.” The driver told Eddie, and Eddie’s blood ran cold. “The ring. I can take it off, if it’s upsetting.”

“How’d you know I was staring at it?” Eddie blurted.

“I just did.”

The Devil wants only to hurt you. That’s what I heard anyway. That’s what my dad told me.

Eddie looked away from the driver and continued to roughly dry his hair.  “Sorry for getting your car wet.”

“This isn’t my car. I’m only using it.”

Eddie slowed. “Did you steal it?”

“No.”

The driver turned on the engine instead of elaborating.

“Don’t worry about it, okay Eddie?”

Eddie couldn’t stop himself from gasping. It was quiet, yes, but it was audible. How did he know his name? God.

Something about that thought almost led to a snort. Or maybe a nervous giggle. God. Nothing about any of this has God involved.

The driver shifted in his seat. The light clicked off.

They started to drive, slowly, very slowly pick up the pace as they pulled back onto the highway, like the driver was giving Eddie one final chance to escape.

Eddie didn’t know the Devil was so patient or giving.

“We’re going in the wrong direction.” Eddie said suddenly. They were going back home. No, not home. Just.. to town. Back to Derry.

“That’s not where you want to go?” The driver asked smoothly, car still speeding up.

“Anywhere but there.” Eddie said, and then really wished he hadn’t. “Please.”

This felt like the opposite of confessing to a priest. He was pleading to the Devil.

“Surely, there’s somewhere else you want to go?” The Devil - no, the driver, asked.

“Not really. Just not back there.”

The car came to a brisk stop. The driver turned and began to speed down the highway in the opposite direction. Something in Eddie felt at ease. He wasn’t going back. He would never see those people again. He would never have to worry about The Lord or church or sinning or anything, ever again. The only thing he would ever need a bible for is fire fuel.

“Tell me, Eddie.” The driver asked in that rich voice of his. Hearing him say Eddie’s name made him feel more singled out than he had in a long, long time. “What did they do to you?”

There was the clicking noise of a lighter, and the faint smell of a cigarette made its way to Eddie’s nose. The back windows went down. The driver sped up.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“How did they hurt you, Eddie?”

“No one hurt me.”

Eddie was starting to feel sick. This driver, stranger, smoker, sinner, demon- how did he know so much about Eddie? If he knew so much, why bother asking?

There was a pause.

“Do you want something to eat? I passed a fast food place not 20 clicks back. You would’ve passed it too, if you’d walked for another hour.”

Eddie stared at his shoes. They were still soaked, and they were gross. “I don’t have any money.”

The first flash of anger - or maybe annoyance - passed subtly through the driver’s voice.

“I didn’t ask if you had money.” he stirred. “I asked if you were hungry.”

“I... I’m hungry. Yes, please.” Eddie murmured.

“Good, because we’re stopping.”

It was at that point where Eddie realized that the same song had been on loop this whole time. Maybe I’m not in hell yet. He thought hopefully. He wasn’t sure why he was hopeful.

-

The car pulled into the parking lot, the bright lights of the restaurant hurt Eddie’s eyes.

“C’mon Eddie.”

Trying to repress the feeling he got in his stomach every time the driver said his name, Eddie got out of the car and followed up to the stranger all the way inside the restaurant.

“I’ll get food - go sit somewhere.” The driver told Eddie. It didn’t really seem like a demand - more like a recommendation, a suggestion.

The place was practically empty, but Eddie felt overly compelled to choose a booth in the corner, his back to a wall, staring out the window. For a minute, he watched the rain pour, all the street lights, the cars that passed. The two cars that passed for the duration of Eddie’s staring.

Then Eddie looked back to his escort. The strange, ambiguous man. He wasn’t facing Eddie, and Eddie let his eyes study and wander.

His escort was wearing black skinny jeans, yellow shoes, and a large leather jacket covered in patches. On the back was a painted raccoon, wearing glasses. It said loser’s club above it.

His hair was black as well, and curly. The horns Eddie thought were there were still there, but the bright lights assured Eddie it was just hair.

The escort turned back to the table Eddie was sitting at and Eddie quickly whipped his head back out the window.

He still couldn’t believe he was doing this. Running away? Eating greasy food with some stranger - a runaway - who seems to embody the devil but also makes Eddie think those filthy things his mother made him resent?

In theory, he could leave. He could grab his bag and run out the front door and back out down the highway, and run all the way to the next town over. He’d be scot free. He traced his finger down the route to prove it, looking out the window down the road to see if there was anything else out there. There wasn’t.

“Next town is about a 30 minute drive. We can hit a motel there.” The escort said, putting a tray onto the table and collapsing into the seat across from Eddie.

His sudden presence made Eddie jump and fall back facing forward to his seat, looking straight at the stranger, and his face.

His skin was pale and his eyes were still really blue, enlarged behind big aviator glasses. There was a glint of carelessness - but not dismissiveness -  in them. He had a long, thin face with a beauty mark under one eye, a crooked nose and a splatter of freckles. He was…

Eddie gulped. He was really attractive.

Something about seeing his face humanized him greatly, and Eddie didn’t feel so scared any more.

“I got you a burger and large fries. And Cola.” the escort said, passing said meal to Eddie, who was still staring. “Hope that’s okay.”

“How’d you know my name?” Eddie thought aloud.

The escort smiled, a large, blooming grin showing off a retainer. He looked around Eddie’s age.

“It’s on your sweatshirt.” he grinned. Eddie looked down at his hoodie, and lo and behold, carefully stitched in over his heart, his mother had put Eddie K. It was probably seen when Eddie was staring at the stranger’s rings. The realization made him blush a deep red.

“Oh.” he said dumbly. He dug into his burger. He was so hungry, he hadn’t realized until he started wolfing it down.

“I know you were looking at the skull ring ‘cause it’s the one people always like the most. Everyone stares at it.” The stranger continued. “And for the record, you shouldn’t be scared of me. I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“I’m not scared. Never was.” Eddie lied. Big lie.

The stranger smiled again, this time between bites of chicken nuggets. “Sure.” he cooed.

Eddie’s ears burned. 

“So, motel? Is that okay?”

“Um.. yeah okay.” he decided. Might as well.

“Great.”

They ate in silence, with Eddie scarfing down all the food, and then some of his new friend’s (are they friends now?) and his driver pointing out every time someone went by, like he was waiting for someone.

“Why were you leaving?” Eddie asked, after much thinking.

The driver hummed.  “Hmmm?”

“You were coming from Derry. Why were you leaving?”

“Picking someone up.” was the response. He failed to elaborate.

Eddie frowned. “You were the only one in the car.”

“Nope.”

A flash of fear came back to squeeze around Eddie’s gut.

“Who?”

The stranger grinned, and it was still light-hearted.

“You don’t know my name but you wanna know my friends? Wow.” He said sarcastically.

“Well,” Eddie fought the flush rising in his cheeks. “What’s your name?”

“I tell you when I feel like it.”

Eddie dropped a little. “I’m not allowed to know anything about you, am I?”

Another, bigger grin. “Should’a asked earlier, Doll.”

The nickname Doll and the connotations to it made Eddie shift uncomfortably.

“What? You don’t like pet names?”

“I’m not a pet.”

And it’s not natural. Eddie’s brain told him. It’s not natural Eddieeeeeee-

“Eds. How’s that? Not a pet name.” 

“My name is Eddie.”

“So I’ve heard.”

The stranger then gave Eddie a shit-eating grin, like he got what he wanted. Eddie picked up the garbage remains of the meal and walked away with the tray.

He threw out everything as he heard the front door open and close, by the time he had finished sorting the trash, he had turn to see his driver was already in the car.

A part of Eddie thought the driver was going to leave Eddie at the restaurant and disappear forever, and the idea felt both real and unsettlingly awful. Without dwelling on it, Eddie made a beeline for the car, climbing in and shaking his head a bit after getting rained on. His driver was fiddling with the stereo.

The on-loop not-gospel that had been playing was traded for up beat pop with lyrics that didn’t sound super happy, but it was something the driver could clearly dance to, because that’s what he did, bopping in his seat as he turned the engine on again and pulled out of the parking lot.

“Thomas.”

The driver frowned with a playful grin. “What?” “I’m guess names for you.” Eddie told him. Thomas could suit his face, but not his personality. At least what Eddie knew of his personality. “Well, that’s not it.”

“Jacob?”

“No.”

“Finn!”

“Wrong.”

“Ezra?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Bill.”

The driver laughed, a deep, throaty noise that made Eddie smile a bit, too. “Not even close! I have a friend named Bill though.”

Eddie smiled to himself as his driver turned up the music a bit. He leaned back in his seat. He felt oddly calm, compared to his intense paranoia from earlier. Maybe he had just been really hungry.

His driver began to sing to the music a bit, and Eddie, who recognized the song, hummed along.

It felt so cliche, driving around at almost four in the morning, singing to dumb pop songs on his driver’s CD of “2000s Greatest Hits” (He made it) and laughing at the ridiculous voices that the driver did.

Time flew by as Eddie let himself get lost in the music and cliche happiness of it all, and then they were pulling into a motel parking lot, trying to catch their breaths.

The driver stopped the car, but made no move to leave.

“Richie.”

Eddie dropped his hand off the door handle. “Pardon?”

“My name. It’s Richie.”

Eddie smilied.

“Nice to meet you Richie. Care to buy me a room?”

“Only if I can sleep there too. And Stan.”

Eddie blinked at him. “What?”

“Stan’s the other one in the car. He’s sleeping in the back seat.” Richie said, giving a haphazard gesture to the backseat. Eddie turned and looked, but didn’t see anything.

“Made you look.”

Eddie swung back around. Richie burst out laughing, clapping against the steering wheel a few times before getting out of the car. Eddie followed, yelling the whole time.

“You know why your name is Richie? ‘Cause you’re a dick!” He cried, smiling despite everything that had happened that day, and the rain that fell onto his face.

“My parents knew what they were doing, baby!” Richie yelled back, locking the car and making his way to the front desk. Eddie skipped up beside him. It felt nice, being able to talk with someone without fear of offending them.

“I hadn’t realized how tall you are.” Eddie murmured, the top of his head barely met Richie’s nose.

“I’m only 6 feet.” Richie said, sounding puzzled.

“Still.” Said Eddie, who was only 5’6”.

The guy behind the counter looked exhausted, but he gave a half-assed smile to Richie and Eddie as they went up to the counter.

“Can I get one room for one night, please.”

The attendant nodded, and started to get the card. “Runaways?” He guessed. He wasn’t judging, just sounded curious.

“Nothin’ to it.” Richie said before Eddie could say anything. “Just a few losers lookin’ for a way out.”

The attendant nodded again, and Eddie figured he didn’t really care, because he didn’t follow up or ask; he just handed the key for the room (number 25) to Richie and went to sit back down.

Luckily for the two of them, the whole motel had one large porch, so they were protected from the rain.

“You didn’t roll the back windows down.” Eddie pointed to Richie’s car.

“I didn’t want to.” Richie said simply, stepping up a set of stairs to their rooms.

(There were 28 in total, 14 on each floor, but #27 was ‘having issues’ according to the paper taped to the door.)

“Voila!” Richie said as he opened the door.

The room wasn’t much, a nice window with curtains, a small table with two chairs, two nightstands on either side of a queen size bed, a painting here and there.

“I’ve never been in a motel before.” Eddie mumbled as he dropped his backpack on the floor. “Or a hotel, for that matter.”

“No? Never on vacation or anything?” Richie’s eyebrows went up just a tad, trying not to act too surprised. He stripped off his leather jacket, revealing an oversized button up with street fighter characters.

“Everyone always came to us.” Eddie shrugged, slipping off his shoes and sweater. He turned and leaped onto the bed collapsing onto it and immediately feeling his body relax into the fabric. Richie let out a chuckle.

Eddie rolled over onto his back and sat up, facing Richie, who was unbuttoning the top buttons on his shirt.

“Were you actually picking someone up from Derry?” Eddie asked, probably sounding the most casual he had all night.

“Yeah.” Richie nodded. “You.”

Eddie sorted. “What?”

Richie wandered over to the bed and crawled next to Eddie. Eddie tried not to focus on how close they were. “My brother- he seemed to have figured out you were planning on leaving, go concerned - asked me to find you before you got hurt.”

Eddie tilted his head. “Your brother?”

Richie nodded again. “My brother. His name’s Ben. he’s not my real brother, but he’s just as close. Got three brothers. Only one is actually related.”

“So why-” Eddie frowned. “Why’d you help me? Why was your brother concerned?”

A shrug. “I don’t know. Felt like going on an adventure, knew Derry is famously awful, wanted to help.”

There was a pause, and Eddie turned and laid down on the bed, on his side, back to Richie.

“Derry’s not that bad.”

There was some shuffling from behind Eddie, but he didn’t turn around.

“It’s homophobic as hell, Eds.” Richie grunted. “I mean maybe I’m not used to it cause I’m from San Francisco but dude.”

Eddie closed his eyes and tried to picture the Golden Gate Bridge, which was the only landmark from San Francisco he knew. “I’ve never been.”

“I can take you there.” Richie said softly. He must’ve been lying down, his voice wasn’t as clear as it was before. “If you want.”

Eddie felt a soft blush rise on his face. “Would you?”

“Yeah.”

The intimacy in the room dawned on Eddie, then, because Richie’s long arms appeared on Eddie’s back and wrapped around his middle, pulling them together.

“I bought you food and a temporary bed, I deserve to hold you for a little bit.” Richie said, like he needed an excuse.

“I’ve never cuddled before.” Eddie murmured, feeling now that the shuffling from earlier was Richie taking his shirt off. His bare skin was warm to the touch, Eddie could feel it through his own polo.

Richie let out a soft sigh and tucked himself into the junction of Eddie’s shoulder.

“Ben told me to pick you up because he knew we’d get along.” he admitted. “And he thought you’d fit in with all the group.”

“I’ve never had a group of friends before.”

“Is there anything you have done?”

“I’ve run away from home.”

Richie whistled, the sound mellow against Eddie’s neck. “Hot damn.”

Eddie smiled, and gently put his hands over Richie’s, holding them where they were placed over Eddie’s hips. Left hand on Right hip; Right hand on left hip.

“When I woke up this morning, I was so angry. And then I was so sad, and then paranoid when I met you, I felt like God hated me.”

“God doesn’t hate anyone, that’s her whole thing.” Richie said, by the sound of his voice, he must’ve been falling asleep.

“But now I feel so... lucid, and clear. And happy. And I don’t know why.”

Richie hummed. “You’re welcome.”

Eddie decided it was best to let him sleep. He was probably on the road for a while, and it was nearly 4:30 in the morning. Eddie reached over, gently shaking from Richie’s grasp, and turned off the lamp next to them. As soon as he settled, Richie spooned him again, and this time he pressed a light kiss to Eddie’s neck.

“Tomorrow we’ll start to Cali.” Richie grumbled.

Eddie looked down at where Richie had laced his fingers with Eddie’s. “That sounds like a good plan.”

Richie was snoring not ten minutes later.

Eddie was awake a bit longer, thinking about everything. His mother, his final words to her, running from home, sulking down the highway. He couldn’t not feel a pang of guilt, doing that to her, but the feeling of Richie wrapped around him made that melt away.

God doesn’t hate anyone, that’s her whole thing.

Eddie smiled again. He smiled more around the 3 hours he’d known Richie than in the past week.

There was something about Richie. Something about him that made Eddie feel safe. Maybe it was his confidence.

Probably shouldn’t dwell on it. Eddie told himself. He closed his eyes, listening to Richie snoring softly behind him. It was comforting. In his mind, he saw Richie, holding his hand and driving to California. Maybe he’d meet Ben one day. Or Bill. Or Stan, if he was real.

Eddie finally fell asleep, the warmth of Richie’s breath hushed Eddie’s tired mind to finally give way.

#mine #fanfic #reddie #richie #eddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #reddie fanfic #fanfiction #reddie fanfiction #richie/eddie #honkstory #jwilliambyers #hell yeha

[peggysousfan]

Agent Carter An Au Series

Here is chapter 10, it is the longest by far!! I’m getting close to crossing over the story with the show, so I may take a short break from writing to figure out how to get all the details in and continue this story. I hope y’all enjoy:)

Peggy's POV:

I feel as if I'm going out of my mind. I was never meant for motherhood... Stephanie was only born yesterday, and already I'm going mad. I don't understand how Mum had two children close in age! Micheal and I are only 3 years apart and yet the idea of having another anywhere in that proximity of time gives me a migraine. I can't do this, I just can't... Colleen left for work early this morning and I know Daniel is gone as well. Stephanie refuses to eat anything, no matter what I do she just won't latch! Shes been crying non stop all day. I've changed her nappy, given her a pacy, and tried to feed her; but nothing seems to calm her down! For hours I have been pacing around the apartment, bobbing her up and down, everything I can think of doesn't seem to work. I'll be damned if I ask Mrs' Keller for any assistance. I know Steph has, in fact, inherited part of the serum. I've tried swaddling her, but she somehow manages to get out of it. And when she smacks, it hurts. Actually hurts. Not enough to bruise, yet, but I don't want Mrs. Keller or anyone else I don't trust to touch my child. I give up....

Daniel's POV:

"Sousa! You're late."

"Thanks Thompson, I hadn't noticed." I crutch over to my desk and sit down. Man last night was rough...

"Yeah, sure you did. We all thought you lost your footing and didn't know how to get back up. But, I guess you kinda need a leg for that," Krzeminski laughs.  Low life dick...

"Is that right? I would have thought you were to hung up on some bimbo broad to come in at all.. or is that your wife?" I say, and instantly, he shuts up. But the rest of the office bursts into laughter. His wife spends more time on the streets than she does with him, we've all seen it.

"Damn, Sousa! What cat dragged you out of bed this morning!?" Thompson says. I ignore him and get to work. Thankfully, Krzeminski doesn't bother me the rest of the day. Hours later when I look at the clock, I see its time to go. "Sousa. Where are you going?" I grab my jacket, slip it on, and crutch to the elevator.

"Home."

"Yeah.. you've been leaving pretty early lately.. Got somethin' to share? Maybe you met a nice gal?" He says as he starts to walk with me.

"And why the hell would I tell you anything, Thompson?"

"Hey, I'm just asking. Normally you stay as late as possible. But here lately you've been leaving at 7 O' clock on the dot. Everyday, for the past week."

"Great observation skills agent. Are you gonna tell me what I had for breakfast next?" He laughs and I start to walk away.

"I'm being serious, Sousa. What changed?"

"Simple. I have a life. Maybe you should get one." And with that, I leave. I wonder how Peggy's doing with Stephanie...

Peggy's POV:

I fear I may be doing something wrong. How can she still not latch on? What do I do? I think I might actually need Mrs. Keller's help... I pick Steph up again and hear a knock at the door. Did Colleen forget her key again? I walk to the door and unlock it. When I open it, its Daniel. Oh thank God!

"Daniel!" I sigh in relief.

"Hey, I thought I'd drop by and see how you were doing..." He looks down at her and shes still fussing.

"I'm going insane, I'm afraid." I step back and let him in. "I-I-I've tried everything I can possibly think of and nothings working! I've tried feeding her numerous time and she won't take. She doesn't seem to be latching at all! I've changed her nappy, I-Ive given her  a p-pacy.. I- I walked around bouncing her! I-I-I just don't know Daniel I don't-"

"Peggy! Hey, calm down."  Its then I noticed how wet my cheeks are. "She hasn't eaten anything today?"

"No!" I exasperate.

"Okay, heres what we'll do." He places a hand on my shoulder and I look at him. "First I need you to take a deep breath-"

"Oh really Daniel! I-"

"Peg, you can't help her and take care of her if you don't take care of yourself. Please. I need you to take a deep breath, and let it out." I look him in the eye, and see worry, nothing but worry; because of me. Ugh... I'm horrible. I nod my head and do as he asks, but I can't stop the tears as Stephanie wails. "Here, may I?" I open my eyes and notice him gesturing to the baby , and I gratefully oblige. He takes her to the kitchen and bounces her around, whispering sweet little things too her. I can't hear it all, only small words.. Words like "Sweet, anjo?, sunshine, and linda? What?  He sets his crutch against the sink,takes a clean cloth, and rinses it under the tap.

"Daniel? What are you doing?" I step closer and see Steph sucking on the cloth.

"All the crying shes doing will make her dehydrated. Its best to let her suck on this and get hydrated while you take a minute to yourself and relax."

"What did I do to deserve you?" Before I even think about it, it slips out of my mouth. Either he doesn't notice or ignores the meaning behind it.

"I'm just here to help, Peggy. You can do this, you just... need another hand to guide you through it."

"And that hand being yours, I hope." Now he looks at me. Damn. Why did I just say that? He laughs lightly.

"I don't know a whole lot, just enough to help. I don't have any of my own, so... I can't really give you the best advice." He soaks the cloth again and poppet keeps drinking.

"Do you want any of your own? I've never heard you speak of it before."

"Uh...yeah, maybe..."

"Well that doesn't sound so certain." I laugh. He looks at me with those deep brown eyes, and smiles.

"I mean I do, one day. But... thats not gonna be for a while."

"How do you know that?" He looks away from me and brings Stephanie to his chest. Shes starting to calm down.

"Lets just say I do..."

"Daniel? How do you know for certain?" His demeanor changes and his shoulders start to slump. Somethings upsetting him. "You know you can tell me, Daniel. I won't reprimand you for it." He finally looks at me, then glances back at Steph.

"Its just... gonna take some time."

"Time for..?"

"You know, time."

"Daniel." He sighs and and turns towards me.

"Lets just say... Girls aren't exactly lining up to be with a crip."

"I beg your pardon!" I shout, Daniel looks at me, shocked. "Why on earth would you say a thing like that?"

"I thought you said you wouldn't reprimand me?"

"Well I-.... damn what I said. Daniel... You shouldn't say that about yourself. You are not-" I sigh in frustration. "Please. Never talk about yourself like that again."

"Yes, ma'am," He laughs sadly. "Its just, they can't see past the crutch, Peg."

"Any woman would be lucky to have you, and those that can't see passed that symbol of bravery, then they're damned fools." I say boldly. Once again our eyes lock together, and seems like everything around us has stopped.

"Thanks, Peggy."

"I mean it, Daniel. What happened to you...Your injury... It doesn't define you. Not in that way. You sacrificed so much for your country; blood, sweat, tears... and your leg. But you shouldn't let that and what others think stand in your way. Believe it or not, you came back more whole than most soldiers, Daniel. You are an amazing person and a kind man. You deserve better than what others say, but they're just words. You know the full story, they don't. Know your value, Daniel. I know I do..." I didn't mean to make a speech, but I can't stand how down hearted he felt. The way people treat injured soldiers is bloody ridiculous; especially when they are as kind as Daniel. He looks up at me, as if I've grown a second head. Maybe, I've over stepped, but he needs to know hes worth more than the world gives him. Before he can say anything, the door opens.

"Hey, Peggy! I got some- oh, Daniel. Hi."

"Uh- hey!" Stephanie starts to fuss again, so Daniel re-soaks the rag.

"So, I got dinner, but if you two already ate thats okay."

"Oh, no we haven't, or well.I-I haven't ." I say. Since  Colleen has taken extra shirts to pay my half of the rent, and because of that I use to eat alone. But before poppet was born, Daniel and I had ate many dinners together; and Colleen knew this.

"Well I got some from food from The Automate, enough for two,though. Not three."

"Thats ok, I'm fine." Daniel says while rocking the baby.

"Have you eaten already?" Colleen asks as she sets down the bags.

"Uh, no, but its fine. I can eat later." I look at Colleen, and she looks at me. She's going to go get Daniel some supper, I already know it.

"I'll be right back." And with that she leaves.

"Wheres she going?" Daniel asks, thoroughly confused.I laugh.

"She went to get more food."

"What? She didn't have to do that."

"Colleen is Colleen. Thats really all I can say. You nor I could talk her out of it if we wanted to." We both laugh and Stephanie begins to fuss again.

"Peg? Do you..uh.. want to try and feed her? I'll leave, of course, just.. uh, do you want to try it?"

"I, uhm... I-I-can try but...She won't latch, Daniel." I walk over to Daniel and he tries to hand her to me. Its a bit of awkward shuffling and our hands graze each others several times; each time I feel a spark. "Sorry" We both say.

"I'll, uh, go." "But, Daniel..." He stops mid walk. "You don't have to leave, what about your dinner?"

"I can come back, but... I should give you some privacy to... you know." I look down at the baby and then at Daniel. Ugh, why must this be so difficult.

"Or you could simply turn away..." No, no no no. I hope I didn't say what I think I did. Damn, I did. The shock on his face is unmistakable, and I'm sure, I'm the same. "We-well that is, uhm, i-if you don't mind staying." Now I'm rambling... Instead of saying anything in return, his face turns a bright red, al the way to the tip of his ears. For a few moments, niether of us move; until the baby starts to cry. He turns around and distracts himself with a newspaper while I open my dress and try to feed Stephanie. Oh what was I thinking!? 'Or you could simply turn around'!?? God Peggy, what is wrong with you...

"Is she eating?" Bloody hell, I forgot he was here.

"Ugh, No! I don't know what I'm doing wrong." Steph tries to feed, but she can't find it. I try to guide her but she keeps squirming around and getting frustrated.

"Is she swaddled? If she not that might help, and then hold her really close and guide her, that way she can try and eat. That and you staying calm." I look for a blanket to swaddle her in, but I can't find one.

"Daniel? I can't find her blanket."

"Uhh.." He starts to search and finds it."Found it!"

"Good, could you bring it to me?" I hear him walk towards me and I cover myself up. "Thank you." He doesn't look at me, but he nods and walks back away. I'm not sure whats more awkward; this moment or when I invited myself over to eat with him for the first time. No its now, defiantly now. I swaddle Stephanie, take a deep breath, and try to feed her. It takes a few minutes, but she finally starts to get it. "Oh thanks God!"

"Shes eating?"

"Finally. It only took her all day..." We both laugh and Steph coos. After shes finished, I button my dress,and burp her. "You can turn around now." And he does. Now everything feels at peace, almost normal again.  I offer her to Daniel, and she starts to giggle. I've never seen him smile so brightly. "I fear shes put you under her spell." He laughs.

"Thats okay, I don't mind." After a few minutes of just being relaxed and enjoying Steph, Colleen comes home. We all sit around and eat dinner, Daniel continues to hold the baby, but I don't mind. Hes good with her. She likes him, and so do I... Theres no one I trust more with my daughter than Daniel Sousa.

#peggysous #peggy carter #daniel sousa #Peggy x Daniel #agent carter #agent carter series #au fanfic #fanfiction

[calmofpetrichor]

Band of Brother rewatch - Currahee!

Side note: I wouldve loved to interview the veterans or at least talk to them about their lives and when i say omg i love them i mean it with the upmost respect and theyre all heroes in my eyes.

Eugene roe who hurt you

Careful with that knifey, dont want any stabby yet

The shot of them praying is so visually pleasing and just makes the whole "omg i could be about to die" feeling so much more real

Their cam cream is all so different and it kinda reflects how they are as a person like guarneres just smeared all over, roes is kinda more specific and speirs is just like three fingers ran down his face proper badass style

Guarnere is bout to fight someone

Winters and nixon swaggering along together looking fiiine

Happy hour is every hour for nixon

We'll go to chicago. I'll take you there. WHEN WILL A MARRIED EVER

Nixons smile gives me life

You PEOPLE are at the POSITION of ATTENTION

George luz sounds terrified when he says luz george i love him okay

Private bullshit omg😂

Percontes so smol he must be protected

EUGENE

BUTTS (the barrel) but also liptons. Damn.

EUGENE

Walking in style easy company

I am here for all the liebgott sass

What company is this? Not so easy company

I cant even walk to the fridge without being tired these men were made outta steel. Respect🤘🏻

YAS WINTERS BEING A FAB LEADER AND CHEERING THEM ON YOU GO WINTERS

EUGENE (can u tell whos my fave i dont think u can)

"Lieutenant sobel does not hate easy company private randleman. He just hates you." "Thankyou sir."

Winters saying what sobel says but in a different way reminds me of when you copy your friends essay but change it up slightly

Mmmmmm mess hall food

"Why them?" "It was their turn."

Winters' "over as a team"

This scene really shows what bob is all about lowkey gives me boosgumps (i meant goosebumps but i couldnt stop laughing at boosgumps so imma keep it in)

"Uh its a can of peaches sir"

WINTERS' TINY SMILE OMG

"Lieutenant winters?" *both winters and nixon turn around*

"I like spaghetti" suuuuuuuure sobel you like it cus it reminds you of snakes and thats how youre acting pal. Snek.

Everytime i watch this i want to eat spaghetti

EUGENE

"this aint spaghetti. This is army noodles with ketchup"

Guarnere knew it twas too good to be true

George luz starting a lil sing along sesh good man keep the morale up

ZIM ZAM GODDAMN WE'RE AIRBORN INFANTRY

YAS GUARNERE so fine

A lot of moods portrayed in percontes face in like 5 seconds

"Corporal toye. There will be no leaning in my company. Are those dusty jumpwings? How dyou expect to slay the huns with dust on your jumpwings?!"

Fun fact joe toye was originally goan be a medic and trained and stuff but saw paratroopers got more money so signed himself up😂

Leibgott serving looooooks

Sobels like an excited 8 year old. He hits winters and then goes "lets just get em" with big ol wide eyes

EUGENE (yup im gonna do this all the time)

Their faces in this scene are golden

EUGENE (told you)

The troublesome threesome

Nixon gives sobel so much shade

Joe toye and joe liebgott lookin oh so gooood

Im always fumbling with grenades same liebgott same

"Going my way? Wherever the train takes me"

"If i thought youd drink it i wouldnt offer it to you"

Look at lil harry all sleepy

Blithe!!!!

Fun fact: blithe didnt actually get shot in the neck, he was hit in the shoulder and didnt die from his wounds.

Joe toyes whole speechy bit here i could put this on loop and fall asleep dreaming sweet dreams.

"Really? Its hot in africa?" "Shaddap"

Luz climbing the bunks is insanely satisfying for some reason

Wuh oh liebgotts comin in hot

Fun fact liebgott was actually roman catholic, it even said so on his dogtag but he found it funny everyone thought he was a jew so he didnt object

Theyre basically just huggin for like 3 seconds

Those two playing cards while everything goes down around them is so relatable

"Nooooo you wanna kill 'im!!"

Shiftaaaayy

Ah wam bam bam

Omg this bit gives me life and the fact it actually happens is just so much better

Fun fact Luz actually didnt get caught for this cus nobody wanted to "rat him out"

"There should be no fence here." "Uh... we could go over it sir"

"Hey luz. Can you do major horton?" "Does a wild bear crap in the woods son?"

Luzs smile:')

Tipper knows whats up. He smiling real goofy

"What. is the god...damn hoooold up mistersobel?"

The way winters manages to command his men so well. So precise. So beautiful.

"Youve done it now yanks. Youve captured me."

Winters chuckle😂

Omg malarkey and perconte in those vests is too much

Oi pal dont just drive through a game of basketball

Nixons "mmhm" to evans

"For crying out loud. Misspelled court martial"

Fun fact Winters actually didnt say any of this to sobel, he just took sobels nonsense quietly but still requested a trail by court martial

"May i borrow your pen sir" *imediately takes pen out of sobels hand*

Sobel ws such a bad leader in the eyes of the men that this group of ncos all refused to serve in easy company even though it meant they could be killed.

In formation

Winters afection for easy. "Never put yourself in a position where you can take from these men"

Nixons french

EUGENE

I could use some brass knuckles

EUGENE (its a reflex at this point)

Liebgott pls no spit

DONT USE THE LEG BAGS JUST CUS THE ENGLISH TROOPS USE THEM stick to your guts

"Tonaaaght is the naaahgt..... of nights."

EUGENE

Theres always one guy who talks during a film

Round of applause for frank j hughes for that reaction

Somber music for a somber mood

DOC ROE

Winters looks at them all in the eye after helping them up and i want to know if the extra long shot of roe and winters hands was done on purpose or....

#band of brothers #currahee #dick winters #lewis nixon #eugene roe #my fave shhhh #george luz #frank perconte #joe toye #joe liebgott #bill guarnere #donald malarkey #i know ive missed someone #oooh #shifty #ww2 #bob #hbowar #i know this is super long but im so passionate about all this and i had to cut this down so much😂 #pls read #i want recognition im desperate for love #i jk #kinda

[mxndanemagic]

Helena

"You two are cute together."

That's what her sister had commented during a visit. Normally, someone would beam with joy at the compliment but Helena sinply stared back a bored expression upon her face. "Do you not think so?" "What's so cute about us, hmm?" She questions, perching an elbow onto the table before her, chin rested in her palm.

Her sister, Scarlet, sighs, feeling exasperated in seconds. "Helena, it's a compliment - not patronzing you, you know." Helena did know that and she knew very well why her mood had soured. "Well, sis, glad you came by but I have a few things to tend to." "Of course, kicking me out. You don't have to push me away. If you two are having problems, Atticus and I can help you out."

Helena was aware her sisters intentions were from a caring place but her problem was not one that her sister should tread into. For now Helena would settle this matter on her own - maybe next time she had romance troubles Scarlet could step in but this was far from being a marital spat. "Alright I'm going and do come visit sometime. Ella's moving out in a few months and we could take her out somewhere nice before she's off on her own."

"Hm, William isn't leaving home first?" She looks over to her older sibling, noticing the annoyance that flashes briefly across her face. "No. Will has decided to be difficult and instead his little sister will be taking his place. I told her she didn't have too - she could wait til she's older." Helena smiles slightly, understanding the concern. "She'll do fine. I mean I ran away from home and I'm doing great."

Scarlet raises a brow, unsure if her sister is joking. "Helena I'm not sure causing riots, terrorizing the town you used to live in, and cutting off ties with out parents is exactly great." Helena shrugs and waves off her sisters complaints. "Well, I'd say it's best to agree to disagree and for you to be on your way." Helena waits for a response but is surprised when her sister leaves without another fuss. She sighs in relief and checks the time - her husband wouldn't be home for another hour.

Perfect.

"Darling! Welcome home, I missed you terribly." Helena throws her arms over her husbands shoulders, pulling him into an embrace thats received with equal affection. "You're never this excited to see me, not that I mind." He chuckles, holding her close before letting go. "I suppose I never realized how much I take you for granted, James." She frowns, appearing to feel guilty about the matter. “Nonsense, Helena, you may have stubborn streak but that’s what I love about you.” She feigns a smile as he leans in to kiss her cheek. “Since you adore me so much, why not go get comfortable and we’ll have something to eat, drink a bit of wine?” 

He grins down at her, “Sure! We haven’t had a chance to just kick back and relax in quite some time what with all the work I’ve been busy with.” “Ah, yes, work - how is the school?” Helena questions, strolling off to the kitchen to retrieve  a pair of wine glasses. James follows, loosening his tie and setting aside a briefcase. “The usual, kids learning how to control their magic, turning each other into frogs, bet you did stuff like that.” Helena hums her agreement as she browses their wine cabinet. “I also did plenty of other things~” She remarks with a smirk. With a shut of the cabinet, Helena turns to face him as she exams a bottle she grabbed. "For example - " With a gesture of her hand, she levitates the selected bottle towards James, hovering it before him. "I could move things with a roll of my wrist or perhaps even shatter them."

"Shatter? Why would you-" He gaps in pain, his words cut off as the bottle of wine shatters, its shards flying forward and burying themselves into his arms and abdomen. "W-WHAT THE HELL YOU BITCH!" He lashes out as the woman before him merely yawns. "I was wondering how long you'd keep up that charade. Nice to see who you really are, James." "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?" He shouts only to cringe in pain as the glass burrows further. "Oh careful now! Those won't come out without my say so - youn't be able to use your magic to get em out either or even move much. Amazing what a little tinkering can do to a binding spell." Helena smiles. She walks over to him, grasping his chin and tilting it upwards.

"It's a shame such a handsome face like yours is so terrible at deceiving - nice try though!" She pats his cheek before walking over to a bookcase. "Lets see, hexes, poisons - ah! Magic tricks!" Helena retrieves the book and flips through the pages, "Disappearing act? No, don't need that! Rabbit out of hat? Think my niece and nephew would like that one." She comments casually, ignoring the whines and groans of her husband. "Here we go! Knife tricks. I love these but I guess you already knew that, huh?" A peek over shoulder and she smiles at him. "Now, let's play a game. I'll ask questions and you have 3 seconds to answer - screw around and I send one of those -" Helena gestures over to a knife block. "- into you! Answer correctly and I may let you leave this place breathing. Are we clear?"

James glares, breathing heavily before spouting a string of obscenities and threats. "Oh hun and you thought I was stubborn?" Helena chuckles. She looks over to the knife block and with a snap of her finger, one of the knives slides out before flying into James' shoulder. He yells and glances at his shoulder, eyes widening at the stain of blood forming. "I thought it was funny. The way you showed up at the cafe I was at. How you knew how to ease yorself into my circle, thinking you were so clever and charming."

"You shared my humor, knew what I liked and didn't like, and just happen to be a new teacher at the magic school I used to go to. You even treated my family like they were yours! That's a lot of work you put into all of this. So, why did you? Seems awfully convulated to devote about 4 years of your life too me to get to my family. You've got 3 seconds to answer."

"...." "Three...." "H-Helena please!" "Two..." "Don't you love me?!" "One."

Another blade is sent flying, now jamming itaelf i to his thigh. "AGHHH! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!" He screams, now panting. "You drove my family apart!" "How so?" "MY FATHER YOU -" He bites his tongue, the sight of another knife flying into air freezing him in tracks. "Calling me a bitch isn't going to get you anywhere, killed maybe but I'm sure you don't want that." "You should hurry by the way, blood loss you know?" "You put a hex on my father."

Helena crosses her arms, unsure of what he's talking about. Realization comes to her and she laughs. "My, that was your father? James you pathetic fool, I didn't do a thing to him. I might have supplied the hex used but your father was no innocent man. The things he did to his students - you should be thanking me."

"YOURE INSANE! YOU DROVE HIM CRAZY! DROVE HIM TO...TO-" James chokes back sobs. Helena sighs, not expecting him to cry, "Afraid you're wrong, James. I was merely paid to provide a hex. I wasn't aware it would be used on your father. Although, I had heard about the things he had done. So, I guess, since you've accused me of such attrocities - you should repent! How exactly? Well with your life of course." She walks up to him, examining him for a moment. "You know, the sad part is - I really did love you. Oh well, third times the charm."

With a grin on her face, a hand pointed towards his neck, and a snap of her finger, James body crumpled to the ground as his neck snapped.

Within moments, the grin is gone, replaced with a frown as the witch stares at his body.

"What a mess~"

#memories ; remembering makes me sick #drabble #tw: murder #tw: knives #tw: abuse #muse ; helena

[eternalstarshineforadarkenedmind]

The day that never happened.

"Grabbing action burger and going back to the house."

You said.

I looked up, you were talking to your friend on the phone. I walked with you, confused because the distance between us felt off.

Like if i put my hand in yours i'd be doing something wrong. You looked at me, "you okay?" I nodded and smiled.

There was no way, i was back here.

We walked inside the restaurant and ordered food. Waited around talking about the games in action burger.

If we'd been dating you would have already challenged me to one of these. But you didn't. We just stood there talking about it. I felt myself yearning to play something with you like i used too. Like I always wanted too.

You were staring at your phone and suddenly I felt myself panic.

Had I just imagined 3 years of my life with you?

Was this 2015? Was I back where I started?

We got our food and i watched you walk out. I was stunned. My heartbeat picking up pace, i reached into my pocket and pulled out...

My fucking slide phone? MY FUCKING SLIDE PHONE?!

I sighed heavily. And followed you out.

The first text messages were to my ex. Who i assumed now is still my boyfriend.

Maybe I should break up with him right now, i trailed behind you. Maybe I should text him that im picking up my shit from his house and tell you everything.

Everything I knew. Everything I felt. Maybe I should just speed up the process.

"I just think its shitty that she felt she couldn't tell me her actual plans. Go back with your ex? Fine, i mean fuck you, but fine. At least tell me."

You were talking about Zel. I quickly changed my thought pattern and agreed with you.

"She never holds herself accountable. Its my least favorite thing about her." I said. And then coughed out, "but she also doesn't realize whats happening. Thats a cage shes locked in, that island you know? And if she gets out, and sees the real world i am positive she'll fall in love with it here. I did. And your the perfect person to show her around."

I swallowed the lump in my throat

You coughed, "if she ever even comes out here."

I smiled against my breaking heart, "she will."

I have to go home to this fucking predator.

I closed my phone and put it back in my pocket.

"I dont want to go upstairs." I said, stopping halfway through the door of the building.

You looked at me "what? Why?" I backed out of the door. And sat on the steps in front of the apartments.

I imagine you stared at the audience for a moment before deciding to come and sit with me outside.

"Everything okay?" You asked and I looked at you. And your short hair and aloof eyes and confused eyebrows and i knew that i wanted to cry so badly but instead i laughed.

I laughed so hard and so full and so painfully bthat im sure your reaction was the same as id imagined itd be had i just started crying right there.

"What?" You asked and i laid my head on my knees and looked out at the street.

"Can we go to the park?"

"But...our food?"

I nodded. "We'll bring it with us. But please, will you go to the park with me?"

You were about to try to convince me otherwise and i sat up and turned towards you.

"I know, im not a person to you. Im just your friends girlfriend and the best friend of a girl you may be in love with. I know that and i respect that. But please, indulge me tonight because its going to be a looooong few years before anything makes sense again, for any of us."

You stared at me for so long and i saw in your face the idea that i might be crazy.

I sighed and stood up. I crinkled my nose and smiled before reaching my hand out to you, "just indulge me."

You sighed. And did not grab my hand. Instead you stood up and we began to walk.

Not a person. Right.

I swallowed the following three lumps in my throat and kept pace with you.

I wondered if you were thinking of ways to turn me down in case i came on to you. I wondered how uncomfortable you were.

I wondered how curious you were.

I wondered if anything i was about to do would make sense.

I wondered why god was so cruel to make me relive this.

"Piece of shit." I whispered.

You reacted but not for me to acknowledge. I was sure you were about to turn around and go home and leave me on that street. But then suddenly we were at the park.

We both stopped before touching the grass. Something about it felt wrong. We both knew what it was but i didnt care. I needed to get to the water to calm down.

I pointed at the rocks i wanted to sit on.

"My anxiety stops there." I said.

"Okay." You responded and began walking. I followed but caught up and kept pace so you wouldn't think i was planning to kill you.

I know how your brain works. Its similar to mine.

We made it to the rocks. I sat.

So did you.

I stared at the city across the water. I felt the breeze and kept trying to inhale.

I felt safe here.

"Ice. Whats up?"

I smiled and looked up, "the sky."

"I...what?" Your voice was confused but still trying to be friendly.

I looked at you again.

But my voice was caught in what to say next so i went back to staring out at the water.

So you spoke,

"I don't think you aren't a person. While yes you are my friends girlfriend and i respect that, i do NOT think your not a person, you're actually the only girl friend i like of his, and the only person who's really believed in who i am as a person."

I smiled. "There's that charm."

Then the tears began.

They just fell and I just stared out into the river.

"Do you want a hug?" You asked.

God i did.

But no.

"No. Im okay," i laughed, i just didn't think i could actually come back to this time."

"What do you mean?"

I looked at you, "you'll call me crazy if i explain."

You chuckled, "i've had my fairshare of crazy. Go ahead."

I sighed because i knew you, and i knew your crazy and who would i be if i dumped all of that on you this soon.

But i couldn't just not say anything. Not now.

I already brought us here.

I found a building to stare at while i made probably the wildest statement to the most logical man i knew.

"What would you say if i told you that 5 years from now we'd be in a global pandemic, and you and i would be quarantined together in a 2 almost 3 year relationship?"

I stared, as hard as i could at one window of that building.

You cleared your throat.

But i spoke, "i know it sounds insane. Like a conspiracy but what if i told you that you wont always be angry at everyone and you won't die on anyones couch because i refused to let you go, even when you were sure we werent good for each other."

You shifted but didnt say anything

"How would you react if i told you that because my current boyfriend is a piece of shit predator and YOU ALWAYS knew this but i dont actually find out until he cheats on me 2 years from now, you took me under your wing and we became more than just friends."

The tears were streaming and i was losing my breath. It was becoming hard to think.

"How...

How unfair is this world that im back where i began. When i finally found you." I said and that was it. I was silently crying into my knees wishing i'd never been born.

I felt you scoot next to me.

"I know i sound crazy. Im sorry." I said and laughed a bit at myself for even trying.

You were silent so i looked up from my knees and at you. I wiped my eyes and saw you staring out at the buildings too.

"I don't know how to answer that." You said.

I nodded, "i dont expect you too."

You looked at me and i wondered if you could see the need in my eyes.

"Was this a dream?"

You asked me that and i laughed, "it was more like a chaotic fairytail but it was you."

"Why me?" You asked and i couldnt help but get that familiar kanye esque feeling from you.

"BECAUSE KANYE," i emphasized, "we fell in love."

I closed my eyes to stop the next flow of tears. You noticed.

You touched my back and said "hey."

I looked at you.

"Then i'll see you in two years."

I smirked, i could tell you were only trying to make me feel better because i probably sounded insane to you. I nodded in agreement. A tear still falling, you removed your hand from my back and wiped it off my cheek.

I wondered if that meant you believed me.

But i could be strong for two years, for you.

" this conversation never happened." I said, pulling out my phone to figure out a way home.

"What conversation."

And then i woke up.

[anonn92829020-blog]

You’ve reached the end

It’s over.  it was all a bad dream. A nightmare that came to an end. From December to May 22nd. You’ll always remember this day. The day he called your dad and said he doesn’t want to pursue this any further. The way he said those words like you don’t mean a thing to him like this entire marriage was a joke to him He blames me for leaving him for not coming back when he wanted me to but he didn’t move a single bit from his stance. I’ve been an emotional idiot all my life and previously it costed me 8 years till i found out the guy was just a manipulative asshole and he was abusing me. I remember begging and crying in front of him to trust me to just stop controlling my life but he never understood.  Everyone around me hated him! I saw the same pattern in this marriage and it scared me! I could see bits and pieces of abnormal behaviour but i let it go thinking its too early to judge. Maybe it’s long distance, maybe i’m overreacting and it’ll all be ok when i’m there with him. The first week: He picked me up from the airport got me flowers and a cake. I was scared deep down for some reason it was just his aura and the way he acted it always seemed like a cover up like he wasn’t being him! like he was closed off and he was hiding something. He was not very expressive since day one and I thought thats his nature and its okay but it did not feel right anyhow the first day went by thinking it’ll be okay. The entire week his mom didn’t speak to me. I wasn’t welcomed. I felt like an intruder who just walked in their house without being asked to. He spoke to my mom from the airport but was extremely rude, he talked as if he owns me now and they have no say in my life. He talked about how mom talked to his mom and inquired about a visa status and his mom is sick now because of that argument which wasn’t even an argument it was just a question and my mom should keep her mouth shut. My mom only told him to relax, give me (her daughter) space and keep me happy.  The second week: I started picking up on weird behaviour. There was a camera installed in the living room. The eldest daughter in law was like a walking talking dead body. She was a zombie who has given in on life. She was insulted and bashed openly in front of others and no one took a stand. His mom was absolutely crazy! She threatened to take my phone away to cut ties with my family but i let it go, thinking my husband will help but he didn’t. Each weekend he took me out, spent time with me but we never had a connection. I didn’t know what to say to him how to communicate. He never praised me, never said anything that could tell me that he loves me. Yes, there was intimacy in bed but there was nothing more in the sense that each time i tried to communicate how i felt, what my needs are and how his mom drives me insane all day. He said nothing.

The third week:

It got worse! It felt like prison. I was not allowed to go down to get air, to meet anyone, no one was allowed to see me. It felt like i was going to die. I tried so hard to tell that to him to please just let me out for 10 minutes.  He said why? don’t i take you for a walk each day. Don’t you go with me? Why do you have to go alone? i couldn’t understand how is that even a question? If i want to go get air because i’m suffocating in a tiny apartment then i should be allowed to? no? Am i asking for too much here? What am i doing wrong? I started to question my own demands.

i thought i was going crazy but the anxiety kept adding. It kept adding to the point that I would cry in bed for hours each day. I would wake up with anxiety and panic attacks. 

Fourth week:

He tried a lot to explain to me he cant trust me. I cried and told him i’ll leave but he didn’t understand. I told him to leave the door unlocked at least, don’t lock me in. He said no but he kept assuring me it’ll be okay, be patient. I’ll take you away on the weekend, we’ll go for our honeymoon to Seychelles and Prague (though this was after the argument with my parents)

I couldn’t understand whether it was manipulation or he actually wanted to make an effort but he couldn’t maybe because of mental insecurities? I just couldn’t understand but my gut kept telling me to leave! I tried so hard. I gave in. i thought that’s life and i should be positive but there was nothing practical.

Fifth week:

My parents came to visit. I wanted to go away with them for a week, just for a break. I asked him to let me go. He said no. He told me if you leave this marriage is over. I cried a lot. I begged him. He said no. I was so scared of him that i would think 20 times of communicating something to him just so he wouldn’t think of anything negative. He was the kind who would link up stories and arguments to build up wrong scenarios and predict negative things for the future. He had some paranoia I couldn’t understand. I have never come across anyone so insecure.

My dad opened everything on the table and told him that he shouldn’t lock me in like that i should be trusted and allowed to go out like every other family member. He said no and since i have broken his trust he will not allow me. My dad asked me how I did that. he said:

She lied to me when i asked her how many times she has visited the UAE. She first mentioned thrice then when i questioned her she said no it was twice.  Secondly my dad earlier called him to tell my cousin wants to meet me but she then couldn’t come because she went traveling so he turned that around and said some people wanted to come see her and I cant allow her to go out until i meet that person. My dad assured him it’s my reference. I’m her dad! i’m referring that person to meet her. It’s her cousin. He said no. 

And based on these two reasons he cant trust me so I will not be allowed to go out. 

My dad, brother and my mom were shocked, angry and just confused! My dad asked him to give me my passport so he can take me away for a break. He said he doesn’t have the passport it’s with immigration. I went home with him that night.

He cried in bed telling me not to go that it’ll be okay. Deep down he could see what he has done but he was not willing to change he just didn’t know how. He was helpless and i could see. It was like a mental patient trying to snap out of his behaviour but he just did not know how to behave. 

I assured him i wont go but i need to be trusted. He said fine. I wont give you the keys still because i cant trust you but what i can do is you can go after 3pm when the eldest daughter in law comes home and you’ll tell her where you are going, why and she’ll let you out. You will plan it ahead with me and we will see. That obviously meant she will count my hours, minutes and seconds and then tell him whether i’ got back in time or i lied. I could see what he’ was doing but I said ok.

I went back assured my dad it’ll be okay and we’ve all overreacted and he should just go home. Trust issue will eventually subside. He’s just being a kid and I’ll manage it. My dad and mom being extremely religious were scared, scared to their very core. My mom each time she prayed she would get a wrong signal something that would throw her off and they kept telling me to leave wit them and they’ve seen enough. I tried very hard to convince them and went back to my husband again. His mom vented out for 3 hours that day, insulting my family, me, bashing my character, ridiculing my mom. She did everything in her power to hurt me. Hurt me so much that i would pack up my things and leave. The stuff she said were unbelievable. It was like Allah’s way of opening up her heart and mind in front of me and telling me to judge and make a decision. 

All i did was apologize and i hugged her, said nothing back and went my room.

The next day my dad called he said i’ll leave but i’m concerned of your safety so please keep your passport with you. I said ok. I asked my husband he said he can’t give me that, I asked him why he said because your dad threatened me and he said he has options and he will end the marriage so i cant trust you with my visa. I’ll cancel your visa and then hand over your passport. My dad didn’t threaten him, he told my dad that he will end the marriage if he takes me away so my dad said I will end it first. He’s twice our age and he’s sick, any elderly person whose concerned for his daughter’s safety would’ve behaved in the same manner if the SIL was being this egoistic weirdo. 

I asked him to just hand it over to me for 10-15 minutes just so i can assure my dad i have it and he can then keep it. I don’t want it. He said no. His insecurities started to flare up again i could tell. My dad was adamant on getting me passport. His mom and brother came on the last day. They acted as if they’ve done or said nothing to me and it’s been all my fault. My dad took the passport and told him he’ll take me since he cancelled my visa. He said fine. I went home to pick up my stuff and he told me not to go again. He knew what was happening but he couldn’t stop it now. It was done. 

it was all a series of unfortunate events one after the other after the other and my say in this was minimal. I would control my parents and then i would come back and deal with him. I kept reconciling on both ends but it just did not add up.

I left and i stayed with my family. He told me to come in 10 days or this marriage is over. I tried to tell him what has happened up till now. The marriage will not work unless he doesn’t trust me. I was scared of going back because he’s this insecure person who can build whatever scenario in his head and begin to question my integrity. He said if i had that problem i wouldn’t have told you to found work and to me it made sense. I told him i’ll come home it’s fine. 

From there it was down hill: 

Up to this point my family observed:

These people have zero sense of respect for anyone

My health is a huge question mark since the eldest DIL could not even get a surgery done because the doctor told her she’ll get an anaesthesia and her husband said “iskay saath phir doctor pata nahi kia kar de so ask her dad” they called her dad and scared him and said “put it in writing that if anything happens to her we are not responsible” the poor guy didn’t say anything and that woman never got a surgery done. 

I wonder what they’ would’ve done with me. Eldest DIL was my husband’s first cousin.

I was not allowed to even pick my parents up from the airport because he said it is not the right protocol

My parents were served with left over food no one waited for them for lunch and i begged my husband to please at least pick them up from the hotel he went but acted like a complete asshole with my dad, mom and brother.

I still was not trusted with my own passport and a key

His own neighbors told us they are crazy, there were no relatives from his side at the wedding, his own relative told us to leave they wont change and it’ll only get worse. The relatives who did show up only had negative reviews

I cant even begin to explain how they behaved at the wedding. They were a total of 20 people who came and his mom, brother and himself were so full of themselves and all they did was misbehave. The overall vibe everyone got from them was so negative that each and every person in the hall was questioning and talking about how we’ve made a mistake. 

I still gave him benefit of doubt and told him i’ll come home just speak to my mamoo because my mom and dad aren’t on board with this decision so i want some elder on my side since your elders aren’t coming forward. i want some support if shit doesn’t work.  He said ok. He spoke to him and my mamoo told me he’ has severe insecurities and he isn’t a positive person however if you still want to go back thats your decision and personally he said you wont last for more than a few more months with this guy because he doesn’t see the bigger picture he just jumps from point A to B to C. I was hurt after listening to his review too i was hoping he would give some assurance he would’ve seen something positive that we didn’t see but i said i’ll give him another chance. I told him i’ll come. He said come next week i said fine. That weekend i went to a a place which is 2-3 hours drive with my brother. It was long weekend and he thought i needed to get out because all i did was fight and argue on the phone with him but i didn’t tell him because of the drama of fighting back and forth. Being away i told him everything i felt, all the times i was hurt, all the things i heard his mom talk trash and i wanted him to vent to so we can get it all on the table. Since he had some mental issue he never admitted a single mistake he did he justified everything! blaming me for everything i’ve done, for leaving and not coming in 10 days. He was hung up on the smallest of things but he couldn’t still address the two reasons of not trusting me and I couldn’t understand his reasons. My family kept telling me to not fall for it. It’s all a cover up to control you in the future. What if he accuses you of something later in life and throws you out of the house? What if his mom comes up with some bullshit scenario and feeds garbage in his head and he agrees with her and treats you even worse than now? He had no backbone to stand up for me and i could see it clearly! I was said a lot of shit and he just stood there or sat there like a victim as if i was the one to be blamed.  Anyhow, i said i’ll come the only thing i said was let’s spend time alone. Let’s meet somewhere and let’s be alone so we can move past our differences and go home he said no he has work and i have to come back the way i left. After finding out i went away on the weekend with my brother. He took a mini vacation of his own and went to Spain just a way to retaliate? or make me jealous? i’m not sure what it was. I didn’t mind. I knew we were both going through a lot. I told him he could’ve taken me. I started to move to a healthy normal medium, i spoke to him and started to talk about a family. What he thinks of the future. since the past and present were extremely dark i thought maybe we could talk that out and build some connection. I said we might need to get a bigger place when the kid comes in and we’ll build a nursery and we’ll have to move out. He grabbed the word “move out” and maybe told his mom. He said he’ll come down to take me home since he has time off now I was happy. I said sure! During that time everyone around me was falling sick and i don’t fever and flu but much worse. My mom got sick and brother got sick. I told him how about i visit my mom (since i’m in a different country with my brothers) and when you come i’ll come back. He said no! stay there i don’t care if your mom is sick. I said ok. I didn’t speak to him for two days because how he showed no interest in my mom’s sickness. He called me after two days telling me he has cancelled the plan to come see me and spend time with me since i told him to “move out” i said when did i say that? he said you told me that and it is not up for discussion i said it was because we were planning the future. He said no and things spiralled so badly out of control. I begged him and cried and pleaded and did everything for 10-15 days to just come see me to be with me for a few days he said no come home like you went and tell your dad to call my mom and apologize and give her assurance that you wont leave like this or this marriage is over.  I said but my dad didn’t do anything? He said no. I spoke to my parents and they’ve had it with him. I did all i could and finally called my dad today and told him he’s sending divorce notice soon. My dad said fine.  After 3 months of hell and seeing only 5% of improvement in this entire case. I can’t tell where i went wrong. What the hell happened? I knew from the day i signed the nikkah that it was not going to work, like deep down in my heart i kept ignoring that feeling. On the wedding day everyone knew it wont work but i kept pushing! I fought, I’ve cried, Ive begged and I’ve done everything and i feel he has to. He did all he could do but he couldn’t give in to his own mental pressure to his own principles and rules that he has designed for himself. he couldn’t break his own barriers, the barriers we as a family could not understand and he couldn’t understand that his mom does not want the best for him. This entire marriage has ended but his mom did not come forward to reconcile even once to tell my parents it’ll be ok just send your daughter. She only told him to end it and she stood next to him literally dictating what to say when he called my dad.  I feel bad for myself for ignoring my gut, for giving someone a chance who i could see will never be enough for me not because of the way they lived or his mom but because of mental compatibility. I believe elders need to be respected his respect was restricted to his mom and brother. I believe in emotions and being in love he believed love and trust is built over time. I believe everything can be fixed if two people could emotionally connect and trust he believed it was all a deal and i would blackmail him in the future in some way? I asked him how and he said you will use your passport as a weapon against me and you will blackmail me. He also told me I only came to work on his visa and when i didn’t find work I created noise and left. My agenda was to find work and then blackmail him to move out? his insecure head builds up such weird scenarios and those scenarios were not his they were his mom’s  and the sad part was he fell for them? he believed them? and he ended this! I’m a foreign passport holder why would i ever want to work on someone’s visa when i could travel anywhere in the world and work anywhere? Each time he opened his mouth to give a justification for his action it was a red flag on top of a red flag. I used to think WHAT? Why is he thinking this way? How can someone be this insecure? All this time i’ve done istikhara. I’ve prayed a lot and so has my mom. The more we prayed and asked Allah for a sign the more situation got out of control! I remember praying tahajud and just asking Allah to end this if it’ isn’t the right decision for me and two days later he called and he was a different person. It was like Allah’s telling me “here’s your sign! do you see it now?” it was like his brain has been hypnotized by someone and he has forgot to think! Or maybe that was the real him before it was someone else. He was not a bad person he just wasn’t taught respect and value of a “marriage” how to treat a woman? for him and his mom everything revolved around their “respect” even if that included suffocating someone or treating someone like shit.  I always used to think there’s a reason for everyone’s behaviour so i always give people benefit of doubt hoping i could understand their psychology and why they behave the way they behave but with him i failed! and just one negative event after another and i could not tell or understand what was happening around me and it all kept crumbling down.  His family was so keen on taking calculated risks and i on the other hand was willing to give it all only at the cost of being trusted alone to get air when i’m dying...

#endofmarriage ramadan19 i'llneverforgetthisday itsallover

[bugclub-archive-blog]

all the questions :)

1. selfieI post enough2. what would you name your future kids?I have a lot of names I love…sophia + Sadie are my favorites 💞 3. do you miss anyone?Yea, one or two people. One is my dad4. what are you looking forward to?My anniversary with my bf :)5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?My dogs 💞 6. is it hard for you to get over someone?No!! Damn near the second I’m away from someone I can’t even comprehend their existence anymore so…no. that’s also why it’s easy for me to not miss people I’ve been away from for a long time 7. what was your life like last year? When it started I was doing an independent sort of thing where I thought I was finding who I was but I was just influenced by things and music and people and I was actually completely wrong about the person I thought I wanted to be. She wasn’t that great. At the very end of the year I was taking a serious stand for myself. I think I grew a lot 8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?Yes this is usually why I cry. Probably like 75% of the time it’s cause I’m stressing9. who did you last see in person?I’m with Emilio and Antonio rn!10. are you good at hiding your feelings?So good. Scary good. I don’t do it a lot, almost never anymore, but I know that I can. Its no good in my experience11. are you listening to music right now?No. But we are video chatting anyone and everyone who is active on fb rn. 10/10 12. what is something you want right now?I want a cup noodles but without the wait.13. how do you feel right now?Very happy and very comfy. I just washed alL out sheets and blankets and they’re super soft and smell delicious14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?Earlier when my husband got home from work he gave me and Capone a big hug 💟 15. personality descriptionOf myself? It’s not my place to say 16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?Yes, a million billion times, even right this second, 17. opinion on insecurities.Eh. They’re never as bad as you think. I guess that’s a given18. do you miss how things were a year ago?Eh, sorta! It was getting warm and I was smoking hella bud with Emilio just like now, and I miss how that felt. I miss how it felt being his friend even though I never wanna be just his friend again. I don’t miss my old job at all. I guess mostly what I miss was how I was on the road a lot last May and doing my own thing usually all by myself. I didn’t even see my friends that much last May, it was a weird month. I wouldn’t wanna go back, but I’d rather be in last May than last winter or fall 2015.19. have you ever been to New York?Yes and I loved every second of it.20. what is your favourite song at the moment?Maybe love by Kendrick Lamar or redbone. Loyalty + pride are also good ass songs. 21. age and birthday?20, born March 2422. description of crush.Handsome as hell, gold in his eyes and his hair when the sun shines on him23. fear(s)Puppets on strings and going insane. I answered this the other day so it’s been on the mind a little bit 24. height5'425. role modelNot sure. My dad’s smart26. idol(s)Helen Stephenson 27. things i hateLies, deceit, racism, sexism, backstabbing, 28. i’ll love you if…You have good intentions and good jokes29. favourite film(s)The boondock saints is one of my favorites. I also love Harold and Maude30. favourite tv show(s)The office, scrubs, unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, 30 rock, Malcolm in the middle, my name is Earl, parks and rec, that 70s show, 31. 3 random facts1.Cabbage is a descendant of the mustard plant.2. Kale is a descendant of the mustard plant.3. Multiple plants are descendants of the mustard plant.32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?I guess guys33. something you want to learnMore about plant identification. I wanna be able to go into the forest and know by name what I’m looking at. I learned a few this spring walking around rum village 🌿34. most embarrassing momentMy dad finding my journals a bunch of years back. Even worse was when my family went through my room while I was locked up in the hospital. My grandma and aunt use to take me to ponderosa for breakfast to give me the sex talk once a year it sucked35. favourite subjectScience!! Earth science in particular. I did good in geometry so I like that by default but I wouldn’t wanna do math rn. I’d totally do some science shit rn though36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?See America, see the world, and marry my baby daddy37. favourite actor/actressI don’t have any in particular38. favourite comedian(s)Man, me and Emilio watched a bunch of standup this spring. I love john mulaney. I wish I could give you more names but I’m forgetful39. favourite sport(s)I love playing baseball but I like watching hockey and football40. favourite memoryJeez, who knows. Any family vacation I went on was always a high point. On one trip we went to sleeping Bear dunes in Michigan and I climbed up the biggest hill realllllly fast and everyone was impressed. That was cool41. relationship statusMarried and chillin42. favourite book(s)Catcher in the rye, the great Gatsby, hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, journey to the center of the earth, 20000 leagues under the sea!!! I love that last one so much43. favourite song ever100% by sonic youth and a very certain acoustic performance of wasted and ready by Ben kweller 💐44. age you get mistaken forProbably anything younger than 2045. how you found out about your idolGoth girl message boards 46. what my last text message says“Sorry we did this”47. turn onsDon’t wanna make this blog nsfw but I’m bout to get some d later so that’s kind of working for me 48. turn offsPpl being mean to me49. where i want to be right nowHere is fine 50. favourite picture of your idolNow I regret making Helen my idol she probably thinks I’m so lame 51. starsignAries sun that’s all y'all need to know52. something i’m talented atKissing emilio53. 5 things that make me happyCup noodles, stuffed animals, new makeup, making money, being out In nature 54. something thats worrying me at the momentI’m about to start a new job it’s a little nerve-racking you know 55. tumblr friendsI don’t know if we are friends (I want to be) but I have some really cool mutuals whom I love to watch flourish 🌸 like @angel-macabre @corporateaccount @lushdeath @312413 @heartshapedspiderweb @cheapexorcisms @sediao and others I know I am forgetting this doesn’t mean I love and respect you any less it just means I’m turnt up bitch and tired as hell56. favourite food(s)“The soup”. Its Emilio’s dad’s recipe and I’m confident that I’ve mastered it.57. favourite animal(s)Weasels and dogs58. description of my best friendHandsome as hell, gold in his hair and his eyes when the sun shines on him59. why i joined tumblrI can’t even remember!! It was so long ago…this blog isn’t even my first blog. I wish I could remember why I started it and what I first posted. My first blog is long, long gone. Wish I could find it! Fun fact: my first urls were auricy, fiftene, (and then sixtene on my birthday), boysister, zodomy, and a bunch of others, but I’ve been bugclub for like 4 years now

🌻💞🌻💞🌻💞

[ramblyravingnnjashark]

Nier Automata - Genius and Madness

the works of Yoko Taro are something that have eluded me for most of my life, and that I have given very little attention to. Probably for good reasons because from the outside, the gameplay of his games range from Mediocre to Average at best and I consider myself a very "gameplay First" person. Some of my Freinds would rave about Drakengard and how weird it is but that didnt quite convince me to look into them much further. However, one Fateful Day a little game called "Nier Automata" was announced, a sequel to Yoko Taros Xbox 360/PS3 game Nier with a little line of Text that would change things in an instant

                                   "Developed by PlatinumGames"

now friends of mine will know that, PlatinumGames is one of my alltime favourite Game Devs for their Crazy High skill Character Action Beat em up titles, containing Larger than Life characters and great and tight Gameplay that owes their roots in the Arcade games of old, which is something I have a appreciation for.

So, with a combination like this I finally decided to take on this series, by means of watching Youtube essays about it because goddamn, the gameplay in these games can get rather mind numbing sadly but honestly? Yoko Taro mighta earned himself now a nice cushy place as one of my favourite Directors, right next to  Hideki Kamiya and Hideo Kojima themselves.

But there is one thing I realised from watching these Essays and actually playing one of them it is one thing to watch a guy sum this series up for you, its a whole different thing to watch the Insanity for yourself

because the works of Yoko Taro arent stories about Heroic Knights slaying Demons and Evil Dragons, or Loving Fathers/older Brothers trying to survive the Fall of Humanity with their Daughters/Little Sisters

they are stories about Love, Hate, War, the meaninglessness of the Universe and the Hope growing from it, what it means to be Human, and what it means to lose all reason and go complete and genuinely Mad

(there will be spoilers, so be warned if you wish to expirience these games yourself!)

so originally, this was gonna be a brief recap of Drakengard and Nier, but then I realised I couldnt do these games justice so I just link this and this recap of these games that should give you a good idea what these games are about but to keep it brief

Drakengard is essentially to RPGs what Evangelion was to Mecha Anime, and thats a fairly approviate comparsion when you just look at, this

its also notable for how it handles its different endings, usually referred to as Ending A, Ending B etc, Ending E of the first Drakengard game was a Joke ending that nontheless became the basis for the setting of Nier, a ruined Planet Earth set hundreds of years after the Fall of Humanity about a Father (in the Western Releases) or a Older Brother (Japanese release) having to fend for himself and his Daughter/Younger Sister in a world under constant threat of creatures known as Heartless Shades

both these games are interesting, because their gameplay is nothing special, in the case of Drakengard its outright terrible,they got mediocre reviews and poor sales and yet these games have a dedicated Cult following and  tons of Novels, Audio Dramas, Manga and even Stage Plays that expand the Universes of these games and its lore

and thats for a simple reason: these games may have mediocre gameplay but, their Stories, their Characters, their Art Direction is actually of fairly high quality featuring intriguing Characters and worldbuilding that makes you invested in them regardless I mean, theres a entire exchange in Nier thats entireley between two Magical Talking Books for cryin out loud, and its one of the best parts of the game!

however, these games have thus far had a life as just that, Cult Classics, that didnt manage to garner a mainstream audience due to its aforementioned quirks, the Gameplay just could never stand up to the well written stories of these games

this is where PlatinumGames comes into play

now, the gameplay of Automata I honestly felt like was more on par with what Revengeance offered: there is stuff you can do with it but all in all its below the likes of Bayonetta and Devil May Cry 3 but thats not to say its poor, of course not, it doesnt encourage you to try anything other than just Mash about, but thats Fine, theres also Chips that your characters can even equip Chips that enhance their abilities and giv e them new ones such as a Bayonetta style Parry and Witch time or give them Heals upon Killing the enemy and while the actual enviroments can be a bit of a chore to go through (until you get Fast Travel), it still felt good to Parkour your way through them, nice snappy and smooth which gives me hopes they take a cue or two from this game for Bayonetta 3 in that regard at least

another thing I loved is the Soundtrack itself. Now I dont consider myself a musical person, however I can tell when a Song is used perfectly, and in Automata? Every Song is used to actual perfection. Music to me can be the deciding factor wether a Area or Scene in a Game or Movie is Garbage, Forgettable or Legendary, and for Automata, every song makes each area fall niceley into the latter fortunatly. One Standout track for me is Birth of a Wish (Become as Gods) a retake of an earlier song that adds in additional Chorus, and the Theme for Pascals village which is a cute Melody involving Children singing.

now onto the game itself, Route A puts you in the sexy and Lucious Thigh High boots of YoRHa Unit 2B, whereas Route B puts you in the cute Boy shorts of her Partner and mostly Good Boy YoRHa Unit 9S both tasked with ridding the world of Machine Lifeforms and making Earth inhabitable for the Humans stuck on the Moon again Both Routes play out roughly the same, 2B plays like a Standard Character Action Heroine with Lights and Heavies and such, whereas 9S is mainly focused around his ability to hack enemies and engage into brief SHMUP segments.

of the two I felt like 2B was a little more fun to play all in all, the Hacking was fine but also felt a teeny bit like a pace breaker but not too much, at least until late in Route B the game throws curvebals and unique hacking segments into the mix

a thing Yoko Taro games have been very good at showing, is showing the process of a Person losing their mental stability and throwing it all away to become a one track minded Mad Man and I find that interesting.

Drakengard had a good example when the Character Inuart completley loses it and becomes obsessed with bringing back his Dead Love interest, causing here to turn into the monster posted above. Automata meanwhile, shows this also but with Machines, being that shouldnt even go mad in the first place but become Insane with concepts like Revenge, Fear or other. Now I am not a Psychology Major or anything but I cant help but feel "this is Intriguing", not sure if thats a bad thing or anything but thats how it is.

now, Route C is where officialy the PlatinumGame ends and the Yoko Taro game begins, in that things become utterly, utterly Bleak. Not to say it was happy funtime before, many of the sidequests end on a very sour or outright terrible note, but here? Shits gon Bad!

YoRHa falls, everyone on the Protagonists homebase dies or becomes infected with a Virus that makes them go insane, 2B dies and 9S is severeley wounded and has his mental state utterly ruined by seeing 2B, his Love interest, die. from this Point onward, you play as Either A2, a former YoRHa gone Rogue and 9S as he tries to kill every last Machine Lifeform, and as hes utterly loses his mind. Focusing entireley on his one Goal so that maybe, he can find Death and be with 2B in the Afterlife.

this is where the game really became interesting to me. Gradually 9S goes from this sweet pure boy to a Violent Mess that only wants to Kill and Kill and Kill, Over and Over, its a Interesting Development for such a Character I feel. A2 meanwhile, while still a Great Character and a Blast to play, I felt like was severeley underutilized, getting very little playtime compared to 2B and 9S, with most of her greatest character Development limited to a Japan only Stage play that got a short text recap on a terminal. and it just goes from there and it keeps going, plot twists happen, reveals happen, callbacks to the first Nier and Drakengard 1 happen, its just this huge Mountain of themes and stuff to uncover and analyse. references to old Philosophers and the Concept of Nihilism itself ebing explored, little details that popped up in the early game and now have much greater meaning, its....actually incredible?

I dont think I ever played a game that had so much going on, the last time I think I did was, Metal Gear Solid 3, maybe?! I think....this might actually be one of the best written games I ever played?

and there is still so much content I could go through, the Stage Plays, the Novels, theres probably a buncha Audio Dramas for it too already its like, Jesus christ. and then theres Ending E, which while rather difficult (and probably causes at least 4 people to fucking hate my Guts) was probably one of the best ending sequences I seen in recent years, I'm not gonna go into detail what it is because, it needs to be seen to be belived, but I find it genuiley incredible.

I dont think theres a single game in the Drakengard and Nier series I would actually consider my "Favourite Game", maybe Nier Automata but thats up for consideration still, but I think I can safeley say that both games story as a whole is easily up there with Metal Gear as  one of my favourite Game stories out there, and friends and followers of mine would know by now how much I love that Franchise and its wacky insane story, Drakengard and Nier are special little series that you dont see enough of these days, but maybe thats for the better

I'm not gonna say "Nier Automata rekindled my love for video games" or anything, but I am glad I got to expirience these two series.

#Recent Ramblings #Ramblings #Ninja Original

[irvinislost-blog]

Chapter Three

sup dudes i’m back. the party was sick, the nye party. fucking mental. but the host felt really guilty and ended up telling her parents about everything and now she owes her parents a shit tonne of money and she can't really do anything because her parents now kind of hate her, so things aren't going well for her. poor kid. but she did get into the college she wants to go to because she had a day out of school last week to audition and stuff and all went well. my parents have currently abandoned me, they're in northern ireland without me so i spent last night at my boyfriends and tonight I'm at my best friends house. it feels weird doing this not at my desk. i miss my desk, and just my bedroom in general.

i really love my bedroom now. i recently hung a lightbulb from my ceiling and when you pull it it lights up and it’s a pure white light and because my walls are pure white, it just like illuminates them and it looks cool as in cool like cold and it makes me very happy as it reminds me of the 1975′s self-titled album. see my room has two moods and both really juxtapose the way my room used to look. my room used to be mint green and the walls were covered with posters and tickets ad photos and it was all a wee bit emo but a few months ago i finally convinced my dad to paint and redecorate and i got a new bed because like three years ago two of my friends broke my old bed frame and it was pretty dangerous to like be within a near proximity to my bed for a hot minute. now my room is white with the same black furniture and black sparkly carpet and i have two sets of fairy lights at each end of the room. above my head i have warm fairy lights and above my desk i have pure white fairy lights that match my new hanging bulb. i have another hanging bulb i just haven't put it up yet because i’m lazy lol. i also have a cloud light that i need to put on my wall, its like an led thing thats shaped like a cloud. i ordered it in pure white but it has come as warm white which i’m low-key really pissed about but it can go with the other mood of my room, you get me. i also have my lamp next to my bed which is warm. so at one end of my room it’s all cold and cool and at the other end it’s all warm and cosy so i turn the right lights on depending on my mood. it’s pretty cool. lighting is everything. my room is my own little hole.

i saw the 1975 last week. the 1975. matty. adam. ross. george. my children. my favourite people on the planet. it was incredible. i actually love matty healy more than anything in the whole entire fucking world. he is the love of my life. he’s so much better now, like i’m so fucking proud of him. seeing them again was actually the happiest i’ve ever been, they mean the whole world to me. i was convinced i was going to get in too, like genuinely, there was no doubt in my mind that i would get turned down instantly but i was fine and i got in. going alone to manchester arena was a wee bit weird, but it wasn't that bad to be honest, like i thought it would be scarier, especially since i was standing. i cried so hard, i nearly had a bloody panic attack. matty looks so good. he always does. the difference between the first time i saw them and this time was insane, like you can really tell that he doesn't do coke anymore, i’m so proud. the first time i saw them, matty was stumbling around tipsy with a glass of red wine in his hand and it was all so dark and he was evidently very sad and i fell in love with him there and then and i’m still very much in love with him now. i have a videos in my memories that’s captioned something like i’m in the same room as matty fucking healy and that was the exact moment that he became like the most significant figure in my life and he still is and honestly i think he always will be. on the other hand, this time he was bouncing around on a little conveyor belt all night in a jumpsuit and a bunny hat making sarcy comments and generally just being really fucking happy and alive and omg the fucking displays and lighting were incredible. everything was so bright and uplifting and i was so happy. that night has given me the will to live again. i am worried about adam though. they were all on the graham norton show the other day and matty told a story about how adam was amazed by the film the lovely bones and the order of the events and adam was like there’s people and she’s alive then she dies then she’s alive again and then there’s different people and then there’s credits and then there’s more people and matty was confused and the next day, adam said that his dvd player was on shuffle. wow i love adam, i just want to give him a hug. i really think he’s going through some shit but everyone’s judgement is clouded by patty’s enlightenment that they don't seem to realise that adam is rapidly devoluting. ross is still a dad, who doesn't love ross, let’s be honest. george is just there being tall and beautiful and pulling weird faces and making sure matty is still alive whilst ross then looks after everyone. i’ll look after ross, he needs taking care of too, he deserves it. there was one point in the show where matty noticed that a girl was hurt and he stopped everything and was like she’s hurt can someone get her out please, she really needs help, and then when she was getting taken out matty said everyone say we love you, bye bye. fuck shit i love matty healy, he actually is the most amazing human being ever and my personal favourite human being ever. am currently listening to antichrist and wow it is beautiful, like what an actual masterpiece. also i realised something today, and it’s going to sound longwinded but it is actually realistic. basically, my best friend’s uncle that’s not really her uncle it’s her dad’s best friend, manages bands and shit and he knows pale waves quite well who are basically owned by the 1975 because they're with dirty hit records which is owned by the 1975, so like, i could meet them. and i didn't realise even though i know about the connection and then like a few hours ago, my best friend was like yeah if you think about, my uncle knows pale waves and they're owned by the 1975 so you know, shit could happen, and i lost it. we were at one of her family gatherings and i started crying and it was not good and i had to ring my dad and be like dad listen but he didn't answer and i didn't know what to do. i was going to end this here because i talk about the 1975 too much but my best friend told me to keep going so i will because i’m not actually done. me is currently playing, which is her favourite song by them, i also very much adore this song. it’s very precious and pretty and beautiful and if it was a person i would spoon it and cradle it and i would be big spoon because it’s so small and fragile and i wan to take care of it. the tootimetootimetootime video nearly made me cry earlier which was a wee bit strange because it’s such a bop song and the video is so fun and it makes me want to bop but instead i teared up. i think that there may be a high possibility that i am broken. just maybe. but matty makes me really happy at the same time so it’s okay. 

i honestly just want to talk to matty not going to lie. like obviously i want to marry him and be with him forever and ever because i do love him but i would really love to just have a sleepover with him and have like a proper conversation with him. i’m not saying this because i like adore him but i feel that we would genuinely get on and like be able to have an in depth chat about literally anything and everything, like it actually just would make my life complete. i would happily settle for going for coffee. but i know full well that i would actually pass out if i was to meet him. i would at least have the biggest panic attack i would ever have. the one thing i would hope for is that he just listens, and i know he will, like fuck me he is an interesting person. i love to pick people’s brains and to pick his brain would actually like be insane because he is so intriguing. i would really like to get high with him. now that, would be an experience. to get high with matty healy is my life goal. i want to tell him about how he is my idol and that i really do look up to him but i also want to just chat to him but i also want to tell him about the meaning that his music and him and adam and ross and george give to my life. fuck wow. i love matty healy. i should definitely stop and i’m way too tired to discuss all the other shit that’s happened recently so i’m going to skedaddle.

goodnight;