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neolxzr · 1 month

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Literally a genuine question no ill intent

What do you like about Aira? As much as people are absolutely adamant Akira is projecting (I really don't think he is (I'm not saying Akira is innocent) I just think he's trying to address the prejudiced thoughts the average Japanese person will have on the Ainu) Aira's weird comments and behaviour to Hiiro have been there since day one. And I also think Aira being the one who says all this is because he's supposed to reflect the fans and the average Japanese fan probably isn't that educated on the Ainu + there can be a good few racist enstars fans...

I'm not trying to sound heated about this I'm just coming from a genuine place, what appeal is there in Aira?

Also, as much as the Aira fans are talking about blaming Akira, I feel like there should absolutely be a focus on Hiiro right now considering that comment was... yknow said to him. I just think we should actually be talking about the Amagis considering that comment was intended to discuss the Amagis and their culture and the discrimination they go through.

i had someone ask me a similar question once but not in the context of all thats happening currently so you can read that here if youre inclined

buuuut what made me like aira so much in the first place was honestly that his concept as a character is really funny. i made a post a long while back that went into the funny meta jokes that you could make using aira as a character before i really knew much about enstars at all. having a character in your idol series that loves idols and canonically reads fanfic about them is just a funny concept in general. and as i continued to read more he continued to be funny and annoying and endearing (his little mini interaction with midori comes to mind immediately. there is something wrong with him)

also i tend to gravitate towards characters that give me like. little sibling energy. i love having a favorite little guy to dote on

but afterwards what really drew me to him was the main story!! thermometry specifically comes to mind (ouuugh,,,,). his feature scout stories are also great and so is feather touch! i wont like. go into detail really cause my blog is covered in me talking about aira already

his dynamic with hiiro is one of my favorites too, especially in mainstory. their dynamic isnt JUST aira says shitty things to hiiro and thats it. their relationship develops really far to the point where aira admits that he needs hiiro as much as hiiro needs him. they're young and inexperienced and kind of codependent as they're trying to keep themselves from going under in a sort of cutthroat industry. i think thats really neat. their relationship is really sweet to me and aira is a great tsundere type of character. he regularly is shown to actually like hiiro a lot as mean as he can be to him sometimes i.e. here. and you know the whole holding hands thing (which they also fucked up in the climax story but Whatever)

theres also this. which i think about regularly. the hiiai shipping fuel is vast

and additionally i think aira has some really great relationships with other characters too, alkaloid especially. feather touch develops his relationship with tatsumi a lot and its one of my favorite aira moments. i couldnt find my screenshots for this one but basically aira gives tatsumi his unlocked phone (something VERY important to aira since hes a little screenager) and it shows tatsumi just how much aira trusts him and he realizes how important aira is as a friend to him. being someone with a history like him aira's friendship is sort of new to him and it helps them both grow

he loves his friends so so much and he’s had a positive impact on all of alkaloid. he is its heart after all

but in any case i'm not going to like, defend myself for liking aira. i am aware that the shitty stuff has been there from the start but i've said something similar in the past that was like. aira isn't real and he cannot take accountability for what he says. he's a character written by real people who doesn't have any control over how he acts. so i guess that's why when i think the writers write something i dont think he would do or say in my own personal aira opinion i can sort of brush it off as just bad writing.

and not in the sense that i dont recognize that enstars sucks, because it does. enstars can be terribly racist sometimes and not just when concerning aira, and thats important to talk about (i.e. the orient cards, the king of thieves cards, etc). but at the end of the day the most important thing to recognize is the people and company behind the game as well as the real people who play the game and are affected by it. and not like, the specific characters in the game. cause they didn't actually do anything or feel anything you know

#cryn answers #anon #enstars #media analysis #im a miraculous ladybug fan im used to pretending that the thing i like is better than it actually is lmfao #was including sources for what im saying too much??#anyway i didnt even touch on airas own experiences with racial discrimination #i dont think its written perfectly so thats why i didnt talk about it but its an important aspect of his character too #and an important part in his place in alkaloid #also i hope i dont come off as rude or upset in this anon #i appreciate you being respectful #but also im a little tired of talking about this ill admit it #i enjoyed rambling about aira again im just like :( that its cause of all the discourse and whatever happening right now #blegh #i think its kind of like. i mean if you only hear little tidbits of what a character is like through twitter screenshots #youre not gonna have a full picture #and i think thats how it is for a lot of enstarries with aira #and thats not a jab at anyone i dont know jackshit about like. mama or undead or fine or akatsuki. and thats fine #theres too many characters for me to know everything about everyone #but with aira specifically his only character trait to the people who dont produce alkaloid is 'the racist one'#and that sucks #but anyways. thats all i have in me for now

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paging-possum · 1 month

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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....

#my art #gore #organs #its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all #like. its the Expectations #the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling #theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel #and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work #because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much #THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING #like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR #realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes #at the end of the day I am the you in that song #it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time #at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way #but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes #like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like #sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want #but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense #its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past #I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me #which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know #I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle #it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it #anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms #im going to bed

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lavender---sunshine · 1 year

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in all seriousness i 90% sure im going to quit my job tomorrow and for a while i will have just enough money to live on and will have to spruce up my resume and job hunt and stress but MY GOD i need to do something else because this is making me suicidal

#like actively suicidal. wanting to die in a way i have not since highschool. literally woke up and thought 'i dont want to be here anymore'#and then couldnt make myself get out of bed until like 10 minutes before i had to leave the house for job 2 #i know its unprofessional but i pretty much...quiet quit i guess. i worked from home for like a month straight without telling my boss #and she called yesterday wondering about it and the whole time the only thing i could think of was 'you didnt even know for a MONTH #thats how little people communicate around here #the office culture is toxic. the people are self absorbed and shut me out. ive gone through like 6 big life events and no one knows because #no one in that office cares enough to ask. and even if i volunteer the most i get is a 'wow that wild look at this tiktok yeah anyway'#im so burnt out. i have 1 day of rest and i dont get to do that at all. so no like im not going to get up get dressed sit in traffic park #on the street because a year later they still havent given me a clicker for the parking lot and sit in the back of a warehouse for hours #talking to no one. ive literally gone days without talking to anyone there. its so lonely.#theres only so many audiobooks and podcasts and albums you can listen to before you think 'i would be ok getting hit by a truck tomorrow'#im going to hate these next few months but i just need time #and the lord works in mysterious ways because my other boss just started talking about hiring for mon/tues which are the days i work bad jo #so i would at least get those hours until i find something else stable. im going to try very hard not to be mean about it but im like...#hey girl this place sucks ass and you know it. im not negotiating #but thanks for that raise 9 months late #im giving you three weeks for find a replacement and i dont care if you fire me in that time #il work from home or panera or starbucks or library but im not stepping in that office again unless its for my minifridge and heater

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stuffedsand · 5 months

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four and sixteen for milgram? :3

4- what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

Ok imma be real I've never blocked a person,,,,, I've blocked plenty bots tho

I've gotten reeeaaaallll close to blocking someone but like. I like seeing people's opinions even if I think they're unreasonable. It's a mix of a strange type of entertainment and kind of to keep me open minded? Cuz if I have to look at it and I wanna talk about it I gotta read it through in detail to make sure I'm reading them right so yeah I don't have anyone blocked 💥

16- you can't understand why so many people like _______

............ok I won't that theory because I have another ask that I'll do that for....

Maybe how some characterize yuno as just "girl boss" n not much else? Honestly jokingly it's totally fine but c'mon there's still a bit of girlfailure and inability to let others in there yk it'd be fun to talk Abt it more

Alternatively I do have things I don't understand about what people DISLIKE in this case es milgram I've talked to quite a few ppl (on disc mainly I don't think Ive seen it on tumblr much) who despise es and like!!!!! Bestie that's my silly lil guy you're talking about what'd they do to you!!!!!!!!!

I mean I understand why but also,,,,,they're just a lil creature man they're 15 and in a position of power with no memories of course they're gonna be a bit egotistic in this situation

#sand speaks #this is what i get for saying i dont get asks huh(joking joking it was a nice surprise to get asks hehe)#but yeah i dont block people! i dont like dojng that i need to see their opinions no matter how rancid i think they are!!!!!!!!#its enrichment its entertainment its expanding my horizons its morbid curiosity idk man #and yeah idk theres not a lot that i completely dont understand why people like things #like. i dislike purge march but thats personal opinion so i understand ppl who like it #i dont understand why people simp over characters but im aroace so no shit #idk this just made me realise how unopinionated i am haha #ph the yuno point is kinda moot cuz i saw quite a few ppl talking abt her character completely recently lmao #ah well i dont have much to talk about in terms of what ppl like. i can usually see why they think that way even if i dont #literature class has helped me so much i love literature #listening to others takes even if theyre kinda surface level or a reach. seeinf how others think and relating it to how you think.#its fun idk im being too poetic in tags onto the next ask so i can show you what i mean by akother ask tot alk abt the thing!!!!!!#oh incase you see this before i finsih writing my toher answer the thing is the organ harvesting theory. it always is. i will have a Time #have a good day if youve read this far!!!! i type too fast and tooooooo much for anyones good

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skenpiel · 2 years

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uuuu. havent seen conscience of the king in a long time but i remember the episode being very good overall. but kirk hitting on a 19 year old is creepy as fuck right. like. thats not just me, right.

#TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT BC I CANT TELL WHEN HES FLIRTING AND WHEN HE ISNT..??#i have autism unless hes straight up saying things like 'youre attractive' i couldnt tell #but the way he sits close to her and speaks in that soft voice. he should be about 33 when this takes place.....#babygirl thats not NORMAL #remember in the beginning of wrath of khan when he complained about having to work with children at the academy #and the children in question were u know like 20 year olds #at 34 (s2) i think theres a part where he refers to checkov as a kid or at least points out how young he is #lenore is NINETEEN YEARS OLD. he should NOT be HITTING on her!!!!!!!!! he KNOWS THAT!!!!!!!!#hope 2 god im reading this wrong.#this is why i hate the internet based idea that anyone over 18 is a fully grown adult #like no a 20 year old is not a responsible adult........#i know as a minor i dont have a lot to say in this but like. speak to anyone over 30 im begging you #ask them if they think a 22 year old is a fully grown realized adult. the answer is no #ur still in the fucking toddler years of adulthood u dont know wtf is going on...........#its like. obscenely young NO youre not a child and YES you ARE an adult #but like. ur not fully grown u cant be expected to see the world or reason the way a 40 year old would #this is why it saddens me to see like. 25 year olds worry about how theyre getting old #you arent old. youre REALLY YOUNG. also theres nothing WRONG with being old aging is a GIFT #anyway back 2 what i was talking about. just bc shes a legal adult doesnt mean kirk should be hitting on her. shes still just a kid #shes literally a teenager its in the name. nineteen....... plsss god let me be reading kirks behavior wrongggg PLEASE

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mrpenguinpants · 1 year

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Reading through the tags of your response, i absolutely see what you mean, because the moment you say that a lot of stuff (esp on Tumblr) maybe feels like "bare bones" i was like "ye that's exactly what i mean". You put the damn shmeat on the bones, and oh man do I appreciate it. Thank you for writing! 🤝😤

I'm glad to have you as a reader ♪(´▽｀) and I appreciate that you enjoy my writing. I'll admit that I've never really cared about what I wrote, it was just something I thought of and one day decided to write down, but it feels nice being uh Appreciated? Yes lol. Though I guess that's a bit hypocritical of me for what I'm about to say.

I'm mainly speaking about my old work and how I used to write things but I kind of want to talk about it. I feel like a lot of x reader fics are made to be bare bones. Not even against the author or anything either. For example, if you took any ship fic and compared it to an x reader fic, there's clearly a difference. I know it's because with ships, you have characters that have lore and personalities that you can build dynamics off of but when it's a reader? You kind of have nothing to work with and you tend to stay neutral. There's nothing wrong with the bare-bones writing style btw, sometimes I just want to see some fluff. But since that's what everyone writes, it starts to get kinda meh? It's how I would see smut fics. There's only so much you can write about sex before it's just the same thing over and over again. And that's not anyone's fault, that's just how you do things. This is why I don't read a lot of genshin fics, especially on tumblr. I'm not saying my writing is superior or anything. I think my writing style right now still clings to this bare-bones writing method, I just happen to make a weird prompt for it. Honestly, everything I write is literal "I thought of this right this second, and now I'm going to type it out so I don't forget." like I'm keeping a pseudo-dream journal. I do believe that people have stories they want to write but they cut out the character-specific details and post that instead. I don't know, that's just how I've always felt when I first started writing.

#Not me throwing all my opinions that could be taken the wrong way in tags lol #i wrote these out of order can you tell #but yeah little insight to how i write i guess #i mean this obv doesn't apply to anyone it mostly applies to me #there's a lot more emphasis on the character in x reader fics compared to ship fics because well duh #but i feel like that kind of makes people keep writing the bare bones writing style #i mean theres a lot to talk about on this that i dont think anyone really cares to read #i sure as well dont want to write it all out #but yeah tldr i appreciate fics that acc put a story in rather than headcanons #super duper big mwah #lovely anon #anon ask

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yeah-this-is-my-username · 1 year

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it's almost midnight and I NEED to talk about lovejoy with someone please I WILL EXPLODE !!!!!!!!!! ramblings in tags ^_^

#theyve come so so far and i am so so very proud of them i am going to cryyyyyyyy #my boys my boys all of them are such creative pple and they deserve the world and then the universe !!!!!!!#lovejoy also have such a unique sound its like !!!!!!!!! the genre they play can get to be very similar with other music very quickly #but they just find a way to make it work !!!!!!!!! they have such a uniqueness that most musicians dont and its incredible how the universe #just made these four ppl meet at the best time for them to form a banger and be successful !!!!!!!!! like obv is there werent a pandemic #theyd still be equally as successful but i think maybe its be slower ? idk bc a lot of wilburs audience migrated to lvjy #and while im not saying wilburs fame made the band it definitely helped boost them soooo much !!!!!!!!!!!!!#theyd still grow big bc their music is good !!!!!!!!!! you dont get that with a lot of ccs turned musicians #its arrgrhhhhhhhgggg man i love lvjy #something about their music itches my brain and makes me incredibly incredibly happy all the time !!!!!!!!!#and i wanna talk about how all of them are so creative as well #i mean we see it obvious with ash and wilbur . ash with his vlogs and wilbur with his stories but joe and mark really are so talented too #mark with his phenomenal drumming skills . like !!!!!!!!!! hes insane on the drums !!!!!!!!! so so good theres no one else like him man #and joe !!!!!!!!! he helps with lyrics and really really good riffs and he doesnt get enough appreciation !!!!!!! honestly #okay okay i think im done now if anyone read all this way ty for listening ^_^ now go listen to lovejoy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and im still up to chat if anyone wants to :D

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craftycalico · 2 years

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its just a bad day

Idk if this is part of the concussion lol

Feel free to send asks if you wanna chat or go interact with my rp blogs

#crafty.calico #crafty.vent #delete later #you know i just. i cant #theres not any way of hiding it #i need a lot of help and i need a lot of reassurance. i feel so isolated and i feel like i dont know anyone #it doesn’t matter where i go i just always feel awkwardly tolerated.#i just.. i don’t want to only be someone who’s tolerated. i wanna mean something #but no matter where i am i am the weak link and everyone knows it #i cant look in mirrors because my face looks weird and distorted and i feel so watched and i think about things i shouldnt #and i think im a net negative. he was right.#he was right about so much and i was stupid trying to fight it and im sorry #i cant talk to anyone and im impulsive #i dont think theres anything waiting and the time card has far expired but being afraid has ruined everything #i cant get a coach to respect me i cant get anyone to listen i cant tell my parents who i am #i didn’t think id come back to this and im so disappointed and im very scared but hey uh haha #guess there was a reason the funny men resonated so hard here #maybe they were right. maybe i am him #idk who i am anymore #i live life as a series of bulletpoints of: you are supposed to like this #you are supposed to talk like this. you should get excited when you hear this. you should be friendly to this person #mid conversation with a friend I realized i didnt know how to talk to her.#i felt like i didnt know her but she knew me and i was operating on bulletpoints #everything is a list of bulletpoints to me #im so distressed idk how to talk i feel like im looking at complete strangers but im supposed to know them and they get upset that i #dont know how they are but i cant remember i just have bulletpoints i dont know #everything is bulletpoints fucking everything is bulletpoints

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bungusofficial · 3 days

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mutual how are you so good at getting into arguments with people who agree with you

probably bc i only respond to people who cant write or read

"rape play can be consented to" and "rape can be consented to" are VERY different sentences. n like honestly i shouldnt even have bothered.

if you have such a fundamental misunderstanding of the english language i wont waste my time trying to communicate with you. when every word means something different its not really english anymore is it. if everything u say is so divorced from the english language that i need to ask you to repeat and translate everything i dont think im at fault here

i might just cut contact w anyone in the community because everything i say is misunderstood and misrepresented and not taken seriously if im not sucking up to people.

and so many words have new double-meanings and im led to think i disagree with ppl because theyre fucking incapable of writing a coherent sentence. and then its my fault somehow.

and its not like 'transid' or paraphilia dont exist outside of the radqueer community. everyone wants to change things about themselves. everyone changes. people are into weird shit and have mental disorders. i dont have a problem with peoples experiences.

n if rqs put any effort into what they say (or even didnt blame me for assuming that a word doesnt have any new secret meaning) id treat it the same as the mogai or liom community. whatever. kinda fun. sometimes theres a relatable label

.delete later

#i do have a deep insecurity about being stupid and always confused and people not understanding anything i say #ableist shit #but i also dont see anything wrong with how i talk from my perspective #i dont know why whatever is wrong with me is wrong with me #other autists dont like or understand me #but like. even if theres something fundamentally wrong with me im not gonna bend over backwards and make myself palatable you anyone.#i dont give a shit really. no one has to like or understand me ig #also. 'where do you guys find animal rape porn?'. im not hanging out near a community where thats as common as it is and people you reblog #from like that shit.#im aware that 'not all of us' and 'theres bad apples everywhere' but thw queer community doesnt have a Huge chunk that believes in #legalizing rape.#and i dont think id hang out in any other community that does.#also #not as bad obviously but so many people being pathetic. identities for when youre trans but have internallized so much transphobia tha #t youre calling yourself cis now #you have intrusive thoughts so now you say youre transharmful.#its a whole lot of letting outside factors control your identity which is just miserable to look at for me #and not a vibe i wanna be around #sometimes theres straight up bigotry 'afab 4 afab because duhh afab means pussy. and transsexuals dont exist' or treating birth assignment #as a gender #you see that in the regular queer community too i just feel like complaining #im just tired of this. every day i log on to tumblr and see a rq post and go 'wow/damn these people are extremely annoying and detached #from the english language'.#fucking. even transgender in a transid context has a different meaning #ppl say transgender isnt a transid and like. theyre right and theyre also wrong.#transgender(transid version) isnt the fucking same as transgender(queer community)#and this isnt me being genuine but lets have some fun with radqueer etymology and twist transgender even further. trans- in a transid #context means (change) with intent.#i did not choose my gender with intent..therefore actually i am a cisgender male.#so if i do end up fucking blocking you then you know why

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yakkitylylac · 27 days

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heehee hoo i love anxiety i love being anxious over people not reblogging my stuff

#BTW LIKE IF YOU DONT REBLOG SOMETHING I MAKE JUST BECAUSE YOURE NOT INTERESTED IN IT THATS OK!!!!!#i post stuff that I Like and thats good enough for me and i dont wanna force anyone to reblog my stuff if they dont wanna!!!!!!!!!#i just. sometimes get really nervous like what if they arent reblogging it because i did something wrong what if i drew the character wrong #and now everyone hates me and thats why they arent reblogging...............#[uh it gets kinda rambly/vent-y past here feel free to ignore idm]#what if i drew or said something wrong and it means im racist/ableist/what have you #*posts cute doodle* haha what if i accidentally promoted ableist stereotypes #WHAT IF I HAD A BAD TAKE ABOUT The Character AND IM ONE OF THOSE FANS THAT PEOPLE VAGUEPOST ABOUT LIKE #not to point any fingers but ughhh #some people in this fandom really get on my nerves (tumblr wont let me use quotation marks???)#its even more nerve racking when the fandom is small like #if you have a Cringe Take in a fandom like sonic or pokemon its such a big fandom you might not get as much attention for it because theres #so many other people but when the fandom has like 5 people its way harder to ignore #thinks.#when i think about it a lot of my worries are centered around fae actually #what if the way i draw her is infantilizing!!!!!!!!! what if im being annoying by drawing her so much!!!!!!! what if i only have a surface #level understanding of her character!!!!!!! and most of how i perceive her is just headcanons and projection!!!!!!!!!!!#same goes with almer like i dont really talk about him much although im less. anxious about it? because i just dont talk about him as much #ecause i havent really studied him as a character in depth and stuff #HEY SUPERGIANT GIVE HIM MORE SCREENTIME GOSH DANG IT #um anyways #oh yeah what if i have a bad take about the character and im accidentally ableist or something!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaa #and like like like i am guilty ofthe not fully grasping her character thing or at least like for some reason i either forget or ignore her #interest/connection with the scribes despite that being like. an Important Part of her character and i feel kinda bad about that #same with almer and cur culture/tradition and stuff #YOU FOOL!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE IGNORING MAJORLY IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF THEIR CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU BUFFOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!#YOU DONT DESERVE TO HAVE THEM AS YOUR BLORBOS IF YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THEM/APPRECIATE THEM PROPERLY!!!!!!!#NOW THE MOB WILL COME FOR YOU #hhhhgggggg #hm. uh that was way more words than i expected !

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snekdood · 3 months

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i feel like u shouldnt be allowed to say someone has an ideology if they dont even know wtf you're talking about

#idk maybe they came to their conclusions on their own and are more malleable than you think #like if you call me x thing and idek wtf you even really mean when you say it i kinda feel like you dont get to treat me as if im loyal #to some sort of ideology or internet community. clearly ive never interacted w others on this.#kinda puts a huge hole in your narrative for that person.#if they arent being influenced by some niche internet communty- instead of getting mad at them for not being what you wanna accuse them for #(yknow. instead of being mad at yourself for making assumptions 😒)#maybe try investigating why someone whos virtually a normie came to that conclusion and understand how underlying a lot of #ideologies are in a lot of shit.#you should be concerned that a normie is absorbing that kinda shit from normal-seeming sources #rather than assume theyre actively talking to a bunch of ppl online w those ideologies #bc i can tell you for sure- in my particular situation of my abuser accusing me of a bunch of shit- i havent talked to anyone about any #of my beliefs for shit #and if i did they were usually ppl who disagreed with me #my ass never joined any forums. never interacted w anyone w similar beliefs online. just watched videos or read articles.#be more concerned that theres ideologically-laced media being pushed to normies than getting mad at me about it #hey yknow what mati maybe if you focused on that and tried to tackle that situation you'd be more of a productive leftist!#instead of you know. trying to obliterate me from the internet bc god forbid someone hate you for your actions you refuse to acknowledge #ask me how ik its all performative holier than thou shit instead of genuine fucks being given to people effected by such beliefs.#though tbh- i am being VERY charitable with the idea my abuser knows wtf any of the things they accused me of actually means #i think its more like a. vague understanding. rather than actually getting it at all.#and i mean obviously i didn't know what they meant much either. still knew more than them. otherwise they wouldnt call me that shit #unless- no... you dont think--- maybe they were lying??? *gasp* who could've seen that coming !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!! !#my abuser using the most buzzwordsy language to appeal to people who rely on buzzwordsy language for all the info they get???#instead of actually looking into the situation at all????? couldnt be.#u really think someone would do that??? just go on the internet and lie to people who for some reason they've gained the undying #trust of no doubt by being the most performative mf online?#vent

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vanillabat99 · 9 months

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I just tried registering for a class for September, and it did not go well ._.

First of all, "Highschol Upgrading" and "Continuing Education" are VAGUE AS FUCK!!!! What do those even mean??? Which one am I??? Who knows!! There's no information anywhere on the website for which set of courses I should look at!!!!

And then!! Once I finally found my way to a schedule page, there was tiny print at the bottom that said that the daytime classes are for students 19 and under, which I am not!! So I had to click on the tiny little link next to it saying evening classes were for students 20+ (which is the ONLY thing i ever saw for students 20+ on the entire website 🙃) and look through the even smaller list of available classes!!

There's no mask mandate, nothing listed anywhere for learning accomodations, and you can't miss more than 2 days of class or else they kick you out. The courses are 480$ each. I have a year and a half of school to finish.

To add insult to injury, they don't offer any courses in French, which means I can't get my bilingual certificate, so I spent my entire education in another language just to have it thrown away at the end due to circumstances outside of my control :)))

I really don't know if it's worth it anymore. Especially since I've been out of school for a couple years already, so I don't even know which grade-level I should sign up for. I've already lost my insurance coverage, which was my only reason for trying to stay in school anyways. It's probably for the best that I can't afford the class. I'm still upset about it though ._.

#i mean my mom said she would talk over the cost with dad but like. we do not have that money rn.#i also registered for my dance class and im joining a choir with my brother so im already gonna be busy ._.#like. at this point. school is not something i think about. im just trying to stay alive and be okay.#and before anyone says to look at other programs. i have. its this or nothing. there really arent many options out there.#and this is the program that EVERYONE has been telling me to go to!! this is the best option for me!! AND IT SUCKS!!!!#like. i dont even know what kind of work im able to do. theres not really much for disability assistance here either.#idk i just feel stuck. like. how am i supposed to do anything when i cant work and have still to pay for my medications and specialists.#im having a lot of feelings rn ._.#thanks for reading btw. means a lot.#batty blogging #text

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weirdmageddon · 9 months

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i love these tags this person is so right

actually, can you imagine if dave was raised by B1 roxy?

i wanna get into this actually

(ok i had to spend a few hours rewriting this because IT DIDNT FUCKING SAVE AFTER FIVE HOURS OF WRITING WHEN MY COMPUTER UPDATED WHILE I WAS AFK so it would mean a lot to show this post some appreciation. i LOVEEE hearing what other people have to say)

even though these things mom does are presented in an extravagant, kitsch, jokey way, her intentions always came from a place of sincerity. she is simply Funnie

but rose reads too far into it and assumes things that aren't there, that her mother is passive-aggressively feigning interest in rose's interests simply because the things she does are so extra. "why do all of this if not to mock me"

im telling you right now if dave lived in this household he wouldn't assume antagonism, he'd go,

don’t forget who LITERALLY patented tangible jpeg artifacts as their post-scratch adult self and scattered shitty scummed up statue of liberties all over the planet. theres no way some of that overboard artful shit wasnt post-ironic / circling back around to genuine funny sincerity

dave's natural state is funny sincerity like roxy. he's had the natural capacity for this type of humor from the start and this is the direction he goes towards when he grows out of his brother's shadow by the end of the comic. dave and roxy share an earnest “so bad its good” type of humor

(lots more under the cut; the length of this meta analysis just got unwieldly with all the pictures and whatnot)

despite the alcoholism, roxy is a supportive mother. she's not the ideal guardian but hells of a lot more supportive of her kid than bro is. if she knew dave's interests she would totally indulge in them with some over the top silly goofy haha shit as a genuine gesture simply because she loves him

rose isn't too keen on it though. but she is more similar to dirk in her natural state of thinking of overthinking shit and assuming the worst, like the tags said

and yes dave got the sweet cuddly yet sometimes backhanded ouppy gene from roxy, probably even moreso lol

roxy's even said rose "sounds like girl dirk"

side tangent here, but this is something i wanna talk about.

i dont think bro should ever be in custody of children ever but if theres anyone who would be up to the task it's rose probably. i know she'd be able to keep up with him. not only does she have a defined personality (dave is more malleable and absorbs his environment like a sponge), if anyone can pick apart B1 dirk's batshit brain and probably be right on the money it's her. lil cal has been pumping patriarchal nonsense into bro's head and rose would be able to bring the fucking facts to the table without losing her own and being a living example of a badass little girl. i also don't think bro would try to force masculine roles onto rose like he did with dave, seeing as she is a girl, so she would actually have more of a leg up and get some passes that dave was never afforded. and rose wouldn't stand idly and accept any bullshit; she is no doormat. and i think this would earn bro's respect

but anyway, from this, couldn't we conclude roxy "sounds like girl dave"?

yeah okay. we havent even gotten into their penchant for funny typos or misspeaks, deliberate or otherwise

so, dave's environment

the sentiment "god you hope you can be as good as your bro at this some day" might have been genuine at the time when he idolized bro but of course he's not able to express that in any sort of sincere fashion because he's in dirk's fucking household. and this level 10 irony shit isnt doing dave any favors

his role models were the Internet and a vague idea of what Bro was like. So he built up his facade based on irony–not the literary definition of irony, as Rose might be quick to point out, but a popular concept of irony based on the idea that things that didn’t make sense actually made sense in some roundabout way. As a master of irony, Dave probably reasoned, he could see in a way other people couldn’t why a world that was scary and didn’t make sense really did make sense, and could therefore convince those people that he was superior to them. And he would wield his knowledge to maintain the appearance of superiority by calling everything ironic and pretending he didn’t care about things that didn’t make sense, and he would use walls of vaguely rhyming words to keep everyone at arm’s length so they wouldn’t discover his insecurities (source)

roxy's style is the embodiment of post-irony. being raised by mom lalonde would be like being raised by joel vinesauce ok

what can i say ….. (getting meta about this actually, hussie got these jpeg wizard wallpapers from a spyware website. link takes some time to load because internet archive)

rose is quick to read post-irony as actually being a joke/insincere, which in bro's case would be true. but i believe dave's natural instinct, outside of the influence of bro, is to read post-irony as genuine, which is exactly how mom serves it. we see this as early as act 3 from him; he understands her motives better than rose does herself:

and in act 6 intermission 2 i think it's pretty clear

but the thing is, it's always genuine from her. dave wouldn't have to second guess it because he's not one to naturally second guess someone's sincerity; that was learned due to his bro being virtually unassailable

there two types of ironies at play here:

seems like a joke, is actually genuine (roxy)

doesnt seem like a joke, is actually a joke (dirk)

you can make the argument that the second is is more psychologically destructive because it makes you question the reality of what is genuine sentiment and what isn't. dave never knew what was genuine and what was irony so he just sort of existed in this sincerity-ironic limbo and always did the opposite of what he genuinely felt on principle even if it always did originate from a genuine place.

"it just a joke bro i was just being ironic i dont actually x" is so much more trust-breaking and psychologically damaging than "wait are you being serious" / "i am being so fucking fr rn davy gravy" / "ok thats actually pretty fucking awesome. giant ass wizard statue" / "RIGHT"

how much about dave would change do you think? his character arc would be completely different for one thing, i think he'd have it good aside from mom's alcohol issues. he'd be left with the sweet and funny parts of him that we see at the end of the comic. the fake coolguy stuff is out, but this remains. this is dave in his element and we see it as early as act 1

he'd probably have no shades growing up in the lalonde residence* either cause those were given to him by bro straight out of the crater as an extension of his own cool image. and john gave dave ben stiller’s aviators for his 13th birthday to replace them so he could “spread his wings”

dave said he was wearing them for the ironies but i kind of doubt it. maybe post-irony but there was some reacharound to it being genuine because dave never put those pointy anime shades on his face again.

*though... it’s kind of hard to imagine him without his shades at all? B2 dave still got stiller’s shades from stiller himself so maybe getting them is a universal constant. i can imagine mom getting him them as a birthday gift cause shes pretty wealthy and probably could buy it out in an auction. but also itd be cool if john still gave him it as a gift

dave is actually a lot more genuine and easy to read than he lets on even when grappling with his upbringing with B1 dirk (again, see this post). this can be seen all throughout he comic but a good example is the evolution of thoughts about his interest in the preserved dead things in his room:

if B1 roxy was dave's guardian he probably WOULD have pursued paleontology because she wouldve indulged him in it and probably find it cool and worthwhile to pursue, instead of allowing dave to flounder under ironic detachment, being poisoned by irony to the point of gaslighting himself into believing he doesnt actually believe he thinks this shit is cool. even if it was indulged in this such a way; a superficially kitsch and ironic appearing presentation, it comes from a genuine place and inspires genuine interest. just read the comments.

basically, i think if B1 roxy raised dave, their relationship would have a surface level appearance of being bizarre or over-the-top but they’d have an unsaid mutual understanding that it’s completely in earnest and just build on each other's funny and absurd gestures of affection. rather than seeing it as one-upping each other, it'd more like collaboration of some silly bullshit that you take a step back and look at full and just say, "fucking incredible"

speaking of paleontology, mom had the proto-ectobiology lab. maybe they'd be able to use the equipment to appearify paradox ghost imprints of the dead shit to create paradox clones of things from the cambrian era??? sounds like a fun mother son bonding activity. and theyd actually put the sciencey shit in the household to use

oh god i know exactly the kinds of music shed listen too also growing up as a teen in the 80s. she on that (post)-punk/art rock/new wave/new romantic mtv stuff. XTC shit fr. this is a B-52S HOUSEHOLD. maybe the associates for the campy melodramatic flair. so he gets to keep the record on his shirt cause he is an enjoyer of the shit in her vinyl collection. dave would still gravitate towards musical expression and music itself but of more variety outside of just rap, with an 80s-90s, even 70s flavor due to mom’s influence. see this for perhaps a glimpse. she probably visited new york city a lot for business trips and because the music scene was cool as hell around that time, imports came straight from jfk airport, she probably got in on that a bit and have remnants in the form of vinyls and cassettes. in this way she could be distributing void to dave (influencing him with forgotten / presently irrelevant music). now he can REALLY rave about bands none of his friends have heard of. “hey davy grvay watcha listenin to” (he holds up vinyl cover) “omg snakefinger”

btw dave lalonde would look like this to me

#homestuck #homestuck meta #dave strider #mom lalonde #roxy lalonde #hs #strilonde guardian swap

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mrfoox · 1 year

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Oliver ranting about politics for 30 mins: that was a good talk (:

Me, who have said like nothing: (: nice

#miranda talking shit #Also: oliver: complaining that there are people who get money without giving the proper papers etc #Me: -crying bc i remember hpw fucking awful it is having to handle that and then still get called and questioned about it etc-#Oliver: what did i make you sad? Did i say something mean? Why are you sad????#Bro buddy... Im remembering the trauma of having to prove to the government im not mentally stable both by providing 15 different papers #And then having them call me constantly and wanting me to explain everything and i felt like some kind of impostor #I mean i get what he means theres probably a lot of people who gets money without providing all the correct things etc but like holy hell #Can also say theres probably a big amount of people who avoid even trying to get support they are entitled to bc they know its an #Exhausting battle. I probably wouldn't have bothered at all if i didnt get help from others to fix all the paperwork i needed to even apply #And even with that help it was so fucking daunting... Thinking about it gives me mad anxiety and makes me tear up its ridiculous :')#I could probably discuss this better if i didnt always feel like an impostor. I always feel like im faking everything and am abusing the #System and goverment money. Despite having add+autism along with deppression/anxiety disorders and i literally have doctors who have writtn #That miranda dont and cant function as normal people and need more help. Still im like... Oh no im faking... Im stealing...im a fraud...#I guess its bc its not... 'obviously' something wrong with me so i feel bad for even saying something. Its bc its me #Anyone else says the same things as me im like yeah thats understandable... But me? God no i am a waste of space and i should die

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angelhound · 1 year

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i think i have to start over my start over

#it is very strange and unreal to me to treat everyone i meet as trials that may or may not work out instead of like we are now chained #together by the throat because i feel. compassion for them #nothing works out forever and its because i am too liberal w the love giving #idk like theoretically. love can be me staying away from u because u aint act right. and i am doing that a lot lately but it is really odd #idk how to not feel like it means something to touch and be touched #i can explore intimacy deeper than my counterparts have ever before and then .. decide it is not going to work out regardless before i have #exhausted every possible way to make it work until either it Does or we are so sore theres nothing left to do but be done #i dont want to feel like i have this month #being that i am so frustrated with the way other people treat me i dont want to talk to anyone at all #obviously thats not right #but no one has done anything seriously wrong they just dont know what i know yet and therefore want something that i cannot give #and thats fine i really just want them to all succeed. but not by using my hands. it never works that way anyways you cannot do it for #someone. i used to wish i could because i felt deep sorrow for those who were lost. i would not even if you asked now #idk. a lot of my path right now is about experimenting what works and does not so i guess its fine that i keep being half wrong #i got distracted i was talking about. connecting. it still hurts to leave even when its been so short of time #i feel like im giving up on people. but its not my job to pull everyone out of drowning themselves and i cant even #the only true way i can help anyone is to get better and show you how. that is my gift i suppose. falling in holes so i can show u where #they are #allthough at heart i am an advocate of falling in your own holes i think it is a vital part of life and growing. i worded my analogy badly #i meant more… becoming light helps others to see their own. and especially for me i am good at verbal support/advice but i am exploring…#helping people without doing their heavy lifting for them. indirect methods. the more i am honest with myself and the world i hope it will #be meaningful. i want everyone to find it really. i think theres something so wrong with me and if there isnt its more confusing.#to feel the way i do all the time and have that be what is Right because it is so rare to see outside of me #if it is the truth then why is it nowhere else #i am fully aware it presents very narcissistically. to hear me say there is no one like me. or maybe you dont believe me idc. but i know im #not making it up because i was so desperate for my whole life to find someone and its really. not around. idk someone told me i am an #indigo child. but i know someone else who is and they are still … so confined to themselves in a way that i am just not #i gotta end this train of thought i can come to no conclusions if i cant pick a damn topic and rn clearly i cannot #there have been some who have come close to seeing but then they get stuck and i keep going #i hope that is not true forever because it is incredibly isolating to be a guiding star and not a human being

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python333 · 9 months

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your writing is literally the best in the cod fandom. we need more injured reader angst. it's too good

don't breathe — python333

— — — —

synopsis [reader] gets buried alive after refusing to give intel to enemy soldiers and *slips up and writes reader almost dying again* oops how did that happen haha

relationships platonic!price & gn!reader.

characters cap. john price.

word count 2.7k

warnings suffocation [reader], just generally really depressing thoughts, near death??, 2nd person pov [you/yours/yourself], usage of c/n [code name/call sign].

note aww tysm :(( dont say its the best im gonna get a complex LMAO but i appreciate it!! and yes i agree injured reader angst ftw :3 i present to you: reader gets very injured and theres a lot of angst and its basically just you suffering for a good 3/4 of the fic while the last quarter has the actual comfort!

“Hello?” You try again, your voice cracking and your tone as desperate as it can get, “Please, God, say someone can hear me.”

You’ve been trapped in a casket for about five minutes now—at least, you woke up five minutes ago. God knows how long you’ve been stuck in the stupid thing, but realistically, it’s probably been much longer than five minutes.

The last thing you remember from before you were buried is being in the interrogation room of some small terrorist group’s facility, one you and the others were led to believe was abandoned weeks ago.

Unfortunately, whoever gave you the information must’ve either had incredibly outdated information or was setting you all up for failure, because the facility was very much not abandoned and was instead full of enemy soldiers.

You all had already gotten into the building before you knew that, because of course you all had to be in the same spot at the same time—practically sitting ducks for the enemy—and of course you all had to be clueless about the possibly hundreds of people in the facility until it was too late.

As far as you know, everyone managed to escape. Everyone but you. They didn’t mean to leave you behind, of course they didn’t, they were more focused on just booking it out of the facility. However, because of that, you were now stuck—you assume—several feet underground in a casket that has a limited amount of oxygen that drops every time you take a breath.

You let out the breath you’re currently holding and suck in another deep breath, holding it as you think. Your strategy of holding your breath until you no longer could mostly worked, but it wouldn’t for long, you knew that soon you’d suffocate in all of the carbon dioxide gathering in the enclosed casket.

You don’t know how long you’d been unconscious in the casket, breathing in oxygen carelessly in your slumber, which made the whole situation worse. You didn’t even know how much time you had left.

You hate to waste your breath checking your comms, but the enemy soldiers had accidentally left your earpiece in your ear—the small device apparently going undetected under their radar—and you wanted to make the most of it. You move your arm from your side and press onto the PTT button on your earpiece, wincing a little at how cramped the casket was.

“Does anybody copy?” You ask again, staring up at the almost pitch black space above you, “I repeat, does anybody copy?”

It’s a vain attempt at contacting your team, really. You don’t know if they’re thinking about you, if the signal is going through, if they even have their earpieces on—you know nothing, and that terrifies you because you really don’t want to die right now but there’s literally nothing else you can do besides helplessly talk into your earpiece, not knowing if anyone’s listening.

Your lungs start to burn and you let out the breath you were holding, taking another deep breath and beginning to hold that one. The air feels… thick. It’s starting to get harder to breathe, and you know you shouldn’t panic but you can’t help the few worried thoughts that come to the forefront of your mind.

What am I going to do when I run out of oxygen and the only thing left for me to breathe in are my own discarded breaths? What will I do when all there is to do is suffocate? Am I going to try, in one last desperate attempt, to break out of the casket, or am I going to just lay here and die? Will my team try to find me, or will they forget about me? Have they already forgotten about me?

Before you can listen to any more of those depressing thoughts, a voice comes from your earpiece.

“H—lo? [c/n]?” It’s hard to tell with the static and the cuts in between the words, but you think it’s Price talking.

“Price?” You ask immediately, all thoughts of preserving your breath forgotten. “Holy shit, you can hear me?”

“Je—s— whe—e—” He cuts out for a moment and your stomach drops when all you can hear is static for a moment.

“You’re— You’re cutting out, Captain, what did you say?”

“Wher— —re you?” It takes you a moment to realize what he’s saying, your mind working much slower than it usually does, but once you do you shake your head negatively despite him not being there to see you.

“I don’t— I don’t know,” You respond, taking a deep breath before adding on, “I think I’m underground, I just know I’m in a casket and it’s getting harder to breathe and—”

“Okay, o—y,” You hear Price’s voice crackle, his voice becoming more distant and sounding almost muffled to you, “Sa— —ur bre—th, I’ll try to g—t some—e to track your— —tion.”

With the constant cutting out of his words and the distortion of his tone, you can barely register or process what he’s saying, and that only panics you more but you refuse to let your emotions get the better of you even in the state of disorientation you’re in, so you keep holding your breath.

A minute later, Price’s voice crackles through your earpiece again.

“Okay, we’ve got your loc—tion,” Price’s voice sounds… oddly far away, “We can—”

His voice slowly becomes muffled, and you release the breath you were holding without realizing it, slowly blinking up at the ceiling of the casket. A sort of haze falls over your mind and you can barely even hear Price anymore before you suddenly snap back to reality and hear his now much clearer voice loud in your ear.

“[c/n]? [c/n], are you still there?” You recognize his tone now, and you’re just a little shocked at the sheer amount of worry in it.

“Haven’t moved an inch,” You breathe out, before lying, “You cut out for a second for me, sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s okay,” Price reassures you, “I said we got your loc—tion and we’re hea—g out th— —w. It’s not t— far away from where —e alre—dy are, we’re ba—ely three clicks away.”

“… Clicks?” You ask, your eyebrows drawing together in confusion.

“Yes, clicks,” Price replies, sounding concerned, before hesitantly asking, “… You know what those are, right?”

“I don’t—” You struggle to find words for a moment before you speak again, your own voice starting to sound distant, “I don’t think so?”

“What do y—u mean you don’t thi— —o?” Price asks, his voice sounding freakishly close, “Are you okay?”

“No, yeah, I’m fine,” You lie through your teeth, not wanting to worry Price further, “I just… how far away are you?”

“Just ab—t two cli—ks now,” Price says, before pausing and clarifying, “Two kilometers.”

Two kilometers… how far is that? “And that’s… is that far, or?”

“No, it’s not too far. It’s just a mi—te away, we didn’t ge— —o far before Laswell got your loc—tion,” Price tells you, “We’ll be there soon, ok—y? We’ll get y— —ut of there.”

“A minute—” You cough and feel tears pricking at your eyes from how hard it is to take another breath, “A minute?”

“Yes, a minute— [c/n], are you okay?” Price asks again, before laughing nervously, “You know what a minute is, do— —ou?”

“...” You struggle to answer the question, thinking long and hard for a few seconds before hesitantly answering, “… Yeah, I do, sorry. It’s sixty seconds.”

“Why’d it take you so long to answer?”

“I don’t know, I’m sorry, I—” You take a few shallow breaths, and feel a headache start to build up, “How far away are you guys?”

“We’re alm—t there,” Price promises you, “The heli’s ab—t to l—nd, and we’ll dig you up, and—”

Why is it so cold? Price’s voice cuts off and when he stops talking you realize that you’re shivering. You ball your fists up and can’t even feel your nails digging into your palms, your hands having gone numb from the cold, and realizing that makes you discover that your lips feel numb too.

Your ears start to ring and you feel that uncomfortable pins and needles feeling in your hands, the sensation slowly traveling up your arms, making you both wanting to peel off your own skin and also grateful that you can at least feel something besides the cold.

In the midst of your thinking, you hear muffled thumping coming from above you—whoever buried you couldn’t have buried you anything below six feet.

“—llo? [c/n]? Are you still there?”

You bring your hand up, the movement slow and sluggish, and you try to search around the side of your face for your earpiece. You eventually find it and when you do you press against it until you feel the PTT button being pushed.

“Still here,” You confirm breathlessly, coughing again as you take a few more shallow breaths, “I think I’m running out of— of… what’s the fuckin’ air that you can breath in, it starts with an o…”

“… Oxygen?”

“Oxygen, yeah,” You slowly blink up at the ceiling of the casket, “There’s— I think— I don’t… I think… I think I’m gonna pass out, Captain.”

“[c/n], don’t you fucking dare,” Price growls, “You stay awake, I swear to fucking god.”

“I can’t—” You take a few more shallow breaths, before coughing, the tears escaping your eyes reaching the corners of your mouth.

You can hear Price briefly talk with someone else, his voice the most serious you’ve ever heard it, before he talks directly to you again, “How much longer do you think you have before you run out of oxygen?”

It takes you a moment to register the question, but when you do, you answer, “Uh… I don’t— I think… maybe a few more minutes? I can’t tell, it’s just hard to breathe, I can’t…”

“Okay, okay,” Price softly says, gusts of wind blowing into his mic as he talks, “Give me a second, okay? We’re almost there, kid, we’ll— we’ll be there in just a minute, we just passed over you, I just need you to stay awake.”

“In a minute,” You repeat to yourself, before taking a deep breath, hoping that you have enough oxygen to make it out of this casket because you really don’t want to die here, not when there’s help just a minute away.

After what you assume is a minute or two, instead of thumping, you hear something cut into the dirt above you. The sound, however, is heavily muffled, so muffled to the point where you don’t know if you’re hallucinating or not.

Is that a symptom of CO2 poisoning? Hallucinations? You lay still in the casket and can’t help but release the breath you’d only just taken, the ringing in your ears starting up again and growing louder faster than they had before.

Your entire body is numb, your chest is heavy, and you can feel a sort of fog fall over your mind. You can distantly hear Price yelling through your earpiece, but you can’t find it in yourself to respond, instead simply laying there, your blinking starting to slow down before it eventually stops, leaving your eyes closed.

—

For a moment, you think you died and went to heaven, which would be weird, considering all the things you’ve done in your life. Not saying you’d go to hell, just saying God would probably hesitate for a second before letting you in through the pearly gates.

You blink awake, slowly but surely, and the first thing you realize is that you can feel things again. You tilt your head down to the bump under the white bed sheets laid on top of you, and squeeze your hand into a ball, watching the bump move and feeling your fingers dig into your oddly sore palms.

You let out a sigh of relief and pull your hand out from the sheets, bringing it up to your face and feeling the oxygen mask that’s been placed over your mouth and nose.

“Don’t mess with that,” You hear a voice say to your right. You turn your head and see a very tired Captain Price, dark eyebags hanging under his eyes and arms crossed, his hands having a white knuckle grip on either one of his elbows.

“…” You don’t say anything, instead you simply stare at him until he sighs and gets up from his seat. You watch silently as he leans over your bed and bends down, before pausing, and then quickly snaking his hands under your back to pull you up just enough for him to properly hug you.

You reach up with shaky hands and tentatively hug him back, not nearly as tightly—not that you don’t want to, but you physically can’t with how weak your arms are right now—but with just as much sincere affection. You can feel Price’s beard rubbing against your neck and hear his small sniffles as he embraces you tightly.

Maybe it’s his sniffling, or the way you can finally feel warmth for the first time in what feels like forever, or maybe it’s just the fact that he’s holding you with so much care and affection that it almost makes you burst at the seams, whatever it is, it causes you to tear up as well.

Those tears quickly become sobs that bubble up in your throat and crawl their way out of it, forcing you to tuck your head into the crook of Price’s neck and muffle your sobs in it, muttering a small ‘sorry’ after each one.

After each ‘sorry’, Price responds with, “It’s okay, let it out, sweetheart, you’re okay,” and those reassuring words only make you cry more because God, you didn’t even think he’d find you, yet here he is, letting you cry into his neck and is reassuring you after every apology that it’s okay.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry—” You mumble a litany of apologies into Price’s neck, your breath stuttering and hitching as you try to hold back your sobs. Price only shushes you and rubs his hand up and down your back in a comforting gesture, bringing his head up to kiss the top of your head.

He tucks your head under his chin, “Don’t apologize, it’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

And fuck, you know it’s just words, but it only makes you cry more.

Your sobs eventually stop, leaving you hiccuping against Price’s neck, silently crying as he continues to rub your back.

“I thought you died,” He whispers, his hand stuttering on your back, “I thought you died and I was going to dig up your dead body, when you didn’t answer me.”

You stay silent, letting him continue, “I thought you were dead when we dug you up and needed to feel your heartbeat for myself to confirm that you were still alive.”

He pauses for a moment before continuing, “I’ve been here ever since they put you in here. I haven’t slept, I’ve just stayed here, waiting for you to wake up so I could tell you that I—”

He chokes up for a moment before taking a deep breath and continuing, “I’m sorry for not even thinking to drag you out of the facility with me when we all ran out. You were— you were right there, and I couldn’t just grab your arm and take you with me, I just had to leave you behind and I—”

“You watched me while I was asleep?” You ask quietly, your eyebrows drawing together.

Price pauses and pulls his chin off of your head, and pulls you away from his neck so he can properly give you the most incredulous look he can pull, before saying, “I’m pouring my heart out to you and apologizing for practically leaving you for dead, and that’s what you’re worried about?”

“Well, I’m not worried, I’m just—” You shrug, not knowing how to explain it. Price sighs and chuckles quietly before tucking your head back under his chin.

“You’re insufferable,” He mumbles, sniffling a bit.

“… I forgive you, by the way,” You say after a moment of silence, “I didn’t really blame you in the first place.”

“You had the right to.”

“Sure I did.”

“But you didn’t blame me.”

“Right.” “…” Price stays silent for a moment before pressing another soft kiss to the top of your head and saying quietly, “You should blame me.”

“Maybe,” You mumble back, “But I won’t.”

Later, maybe an hour later, if the others see you asleep in Price’s arms while he keeps your head tucked under his chin and rubs your back affectionately—no they don’t.

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