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2centsofsilver · 3 months

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Elmo Session 2/6/24 Tues

Here are some notes for today’s session which I scribbled out last night in journal entry form to myself. I figured you could read them during or follow along as I go through them.

•Made significant headway with insurance call re surgery

•Ordered and read chapter 1 of Emotionally Immature Parents book; highlighted many points and journaled corresponding bullets. Should I send them to you? Do we have time in sessions to discuss amidst everything else?

•Didn’t finish CV but researched jobs extensively and made spreadsheet to help narrow down where to apply

Somatic Feelings I Can Identify re: PDX & Fear:

•Bad feelings in my stomach like something I’m not supposed to do

• Feeling of falling & isolation; lone; incapability like need to hold on; fear dissociating while driving bc leaving core/root behind

• Feelings of being punished for doing something really bad: bad doom; feeling in trouble, or like about to get in trouble

• Closer I go, the more I feel like something in my mouth/throat stopping me.

• Feeling of is this right decision? Feeling like what if I’m making big crime like mistake

Other Notes of Reflection, as prompted by new book (but still have other notes more specific to quotes not shared below):

•Raised w/o self sufficiency

• Understanding fight response; hate it most bc it’s mean to ppl I love. It’s untameable. It doesn’t make sense when it just starts in. Pushing away and confusing sweet ppl. Make myself more and more hated while desperate for connection; feels like I’m burying hole and choking. So embarrassing. Can’t come back from it.

• Numb barren zero visible action; they see low Ex Fx so someone unable to ‘do anything.’ Sometimes I worry their words are true. And I get so depressed. Feel far away from self.

• Feel close to self when out listening to music.

• Feel scared like how am I ever going to get out of this entrapment.

• Why can’t I find anyone to help me; why can’t I find anyone to help me scaffold this.

• Scared to submit job apps bc then it’s real and I’m trapped/can’t get out.

• I want someone to just hold me and tell me im worth it. Missing Tiffany. Want Someone to hold me I can snuggle up against. And I can feel complete and capable of this. But I don’t have it so I have to do it with a super fucked up confused and scarce brain.

• Why won’t my brother see as real person or me moving as a legitimate event to make happen. It’s senile to me.

Last few days, reflections on our dynamic & events of last few days:

• Parents betrayal: “we won’t help you with Elmo, Amy, or your masters— you have to use Exxon for that” — makes me feel twisted up in throat can’t breathe. Makes me feel twisted like screaming crying curling up and dying bc confused why I’m being punished for that. They said they’d pay for ED treatment and know I’ve been waiting for Amy’s new program to begin early 2024.

• Dad called my actions “elder abuse” today (action was me texting him at 7:30am and asking if it was AM or PM and that cat is scratching). He always says text him if cat scratching walls and this is well after the time he normally wakes up. But he came stomping into bedroom while I was sleeping and naked and said this is elder abuse that I’d text a “preposterous question” (I sleep texted it) and that it’s elderly abuse to “imply he must go feed my cat” but really I just wondered whether I’d only slept a few hours having gone to bed 4am or whether I’d slept all day and maybe it was 7:30pm not AM, so I could assess whether I was functioning enough to go downstairs and feed cat or if she was even hungry at all. In recent days dad had no problem calling Lilah away from the walls she scratches and letting me get more sleep but he was so enraged and came stomping in and I screamed that I had no clothes on, to please not come in. He yelled at me so badly, I said “this is abuse,” he said “elderly abuse.”

• They were questioning why I didn’t come down and meet their friends who came over on Saturday but I told myself I wanted to honor my boundaries by sleeping all day bc I didn’t want to show my face in front of people my parents have threatened to have talked shit about me to in the past.

• They also originally told me just Mike my brother was visiting this past weekend, not with Brie so I didn’t prepare for her. Then she came and I was very caught off guard and not in Self at all. I couldn’t access any parts work at all and was just horrific mood, the kind of mood that encourages negative interactions between me and my parents, like egging it on and being immature and ridiculous. I don’t think that’s autism. I think it’s well within my control but then why do I do it. I know it’s not DID but Just seems like entirely separate personality and most times I don’t even know when I’m in it till I open my big fat mouth.

• I hate when my parents ask me how I’m going to survive in Portland or fill in the blank with whatever is relevant in the moment. Like if I say mom will you grab me a spoon since you’re standing right there, they say, “how will you get your own spoon in Portland?” It’s becoming more and more frequent. I say they are being ableist and discriminatory and they say I don’t know the words that I use, that the word is “enabling” and that they DO enable me by “waiting on me” and that I’m not self sufficient but rather dependable. I say enabling and ableism are two unrelated things but dad says I’m full of shit. I say I will care for myself how I always have and they act like they’re at a loss for any molecule of that being a qualifying answer.

•They see my executive dysfunction the last 7 months and constantly bully me about it and I say it’s a product of neurodivergence and they say that’s a cop out and excuse. In response I have tried to actually clarify what ND is and my dad says OK OK YEAH WHATEVER KATIE ANOTHER WORD THAT ISNT REAL. And I’ve just never felt more trapped and alone and erased than I do when I’m with them.

•So it’s very hard to get myself in a state of mind where I can take big exciting risks like moving out or to Portland or anywhere when all they make me do is wanna blend back into the couch I’m slouched into or the walls that I’m a gnat on. I no longer need to educate or convince them to change— I’m shifting beyond that. But in conversation sometimes my responses to their bullying is simply “I’m neurodivergent” not in an effort to get them to understand, but rather an effort to play an active role in the dialogue and stand up for myself (otherwise not responding just leads to worsening conditions such as my dad later commenting that I don’t listen or hear them and am not aware of my surroundings and have no sense despite the fact that inside my head I am a critical thinker and intellectual and creative who is non stop analyzing everything going on and all my plans for the future).

•So while I no longer am trying to get them to understand where I’m coming from, I do feel I deserve to offer my response to their accusations or shaming methods or attempts to ask me something. When I set clear boundaries tho of not wanting to talk about Portland or timing of moving etc it’s bc planning it makes it feel real and makes me feel scared and uncertain, unable to give them reliable information when I myself am not even sure I can do this. But they say I’m blocking them out and not including them in the planning process bc I’m inconsiderate and selfish.

These were just scribbled out notes I made last night in bed, not well written so I apologize if they were difficult to follow.

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unravelling-the-world · 3 years

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random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie. back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time. i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

#long post #hinatalks #we live in a society #fr fr #when i die....if god is real..i´ll end this once and for all. all of it #i am left with nothing but pain and anger.... i cant even feel anymore. i think i forgot how to

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naturalbornlesbian7 · 4 years

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I am so happy bc I have finally overcome my longing and desperateness.🥳 After being really sad and deprived for almost 4 years I have made a big progress! I am no longer sad about being lonely. I am so proud that this day has come.

For the record, ever since I realised I was a lesbian at 15 I had been crying almost every single night because of my loneliness. Feelings of isolationg and self consciousness really had been poisoning my life. It was such a painful feeling in my chest. I remember thinking every year"okay,now this is the year when I finally get my first kiss etcetc..." and this toxic idea of innocent first love that every human being must experience at a young age....I am glad I got rid of it.

Can you imagine how much energy I must have waisted on being sad??? Its so toxic not only mentally but physically as well. Its draining. Watching all those lesbian movies and crying...Younger me was always wondering if this day would come...And it did! I dont feel sad anymore, I learn to love myself every day more and more. Of course,sometimes I feel just a little bit sad and lonely,but never to that extent I used to feel. Finally, I fall asleep peacefully without crying myself to sleep. I have found peace in being on my own. Moving out to another country and being here without my friends and family,without anyone literally,has helped me a lot. I am getting used to being on my own and I hella love it. I know that from now on it will only get more "lonely". As soon as I find a way to be self independent financially (I hope it will happen soon) I am cutting off everyone I know...I dont consider "coming out" an option at all. As soon as I can earn enough money to pay for my college,my own apartament and everything else..I say "bye-bye" to my friends and family. I dont really want to explain everything.

I mean, I love them. I have wonderful true friends,and a very supportive family but they are all homophobes and even tho I am super thankful to the universe that I have such wonderful people around me, as soon as I earn enough money I am cutting them off. I dont care if I will be completely alone then. This year I have realised that being alone is great for your mental health...Its soooo much better to be alone than tolerating all that. I mean everything feels sooo off when I am with them...I dont like it. I want to isolate myself from them. But not now. When I am ready.

I'd rather be completely alone for life but at least I can be fucking free. Right now I basically live in a golden cage. I have everything but what price I have to pay every day? To pretend someone else...Its sooo toxic. Always pretend that I enjoy listening how my straight best friends desribe their sex with guys and other stuff. How they all want me to find a hot spanish husband here soon. How my parents dream about having grandchildren. Damn, its unbearable... And on top of that, even without homophobia I still feel like I 've outgrown the relationship with my parents. My mom and dad keep texting me everyday, I love them and I worry about them too but I dont feel like...responding...At least not that often. I dont want it. When I am finally on my own, I will only text them on and off, not very often. And I will always send them money every month when I earn enough as a way of telling them that I am thankful for all the opportunities they gave me. But thats it. I dont feel like visiting or texting every day at all. I am no longer a child. I just want to live my own authentic life even if it means living it completely alone.

#thoughts

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blackroseaki38 · 5 years

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Lonely Tower

@badthingshappenbingo

Trope: Isolation

Fandom: Sofia the First

AN: This was nice to write. Expect more bingos today. I have been at work constantly for weeks. I have been continuing to write and draw, just never had time to post bc I like to beta my work many times, by others and myself, before I do. Hope you guys like.

Disclaimer: I do not own Sofia the First characters or anything in this fic.

Cedric was used to being alone. Being alone used to mean being away from bullies and more difficulties in his life. It used to mean protection from others. But that was in the past and currently, the silence is painful. Before the silence, he used to have Wormtail. Now he has no one, not that he needed anyone.

So, he stayed in his tower. He didn't need to talk to anyone to be happy. He was used to being alone before he received Wormtail.

He worked and worked on the various things the King needed for the kingdom. With the troublesome things happening around them, Roland requested the palace's wards be redone along with many other increases in their magical security.

So, Cedric did those tasks and much more. Before, he used to be worried and would always mess up on anything the King needed to be done. Now, it didn't matter anymore. Either he did well or not. It didn't matter since he shouldn't need the acceptance of a King who did not care about him. Besides, he’s failed so many expectations that another failure to his already lengthy list did not change much in his disappointment of a life.

Cedric had already told Baileywick that he would be busy this week and that he would pick up his own meals from the kitchens, so no need to send them up to him. He also asked him to let the kids, mainly Sofia know, that he did not want to be disturbed because he needed strict concentration on this type of magic. Now that he would be uninterrupted for the week, he would be able to get his work done in peace.

He updated the wards and tended to the magical security covering the palace. Once he was finished with all the magical defenses, he turned to new projects. He worked on new energy potions for the soldiers and growth spells for the farmers. He did everything he could think of to keep busy. He didn't need sleep or food. This was enough. Maybe it would be enough . . . . to

Cedric continued to work, ignoring the silence around him. He tried his best to stop talking out loud, but it was not working. So, he took out the old stuffed toy his niece left the last time she visited them. It was a little stuff owl, but it was better than nothing. He used a sticking spell to get the owl to stay in place on the wooden bird stand near his work station.

He didn't care that he looked crazy, talking to a toy. But, he couldn't help himself. He needed to talk to someone, something! It just had to talk, just so many the voices inside his head would finally shut up.

'You don't deserve to have anyone. Nobody wants you.'

"No! Princess Sofia! She likes me!"

'Oh really? Then why hasn't she come to check on you? Its been two weeks already. You know she doesn't exactly listen to your requests to be alone before. She must have finally realized you're not worth having around.'

"No . . . it can't be. She wouldn't."

'She wouldn't? Well, if really cared. She would be knocking on the door as we speak. You and I both know she left, just like everyone else.'

"No..." Cedric whispered. He couldn't let the voices get to him, but he couldn't help it. No stuffed toy would ever make this voice stop. It wouldn't defend him back!

'Your mother....'

"..No.."

'...Your father...'

"....NO..."

'... Your sister...'

"... No, no..."

'.... The royal family ...." '

"N-no! It can't be. I can't... be alone?"

'Your probably locked up, in this tower. This was their chance to finally lock you up and get rid of you. '

Cedric fell to his knees and finally let the tears fall from his eyes. He ran his hands through his hair, trying to calm down. But, nothing was working. He just had to accept it. He was alone and he would always be alone.

--elsewhere--

'Sofia? Do we have to visit Cedric? You know what Baileywick said! He's busy with an important project. You know how he gets when he is interrupted!'

"I know Clover, but I can't help myself. You know how Mr. Cedric can get when he gets all busy with his work. He told Baileywick he would get his own meals on time, but I just asked the kitchen if he came for any meals. They haven't seen him come get any food. And he's been locked up in his lab for 2 weeks. We need to make sure he is okay and force him to get food," the princess said as she walked up the long stairwell towards the tower where Cedric resided.

'Alright, alright! But, don't look at me if he scolds you for not listening.'

"Thanks, Clover!" Sofia said, with a pat of on his furry little head.

'Yeah, yeah. I know. Clover is the best.' the bunny's ego inflated even more.

----

Soon, she had arrived at the top of the steps. She knocked on the large wooden door. When no one opened the hair, she got a little bit worried.

"Mr. Cedric? Are you in there?" she called out loudly.

When she got no response, she turned to Clover.

"Clover, do whatever you can to get someone else up here. Something's wrong."

The rabbit didn't object or anything but just ran off to do the task he was just assigned.

Sofia turned back to the door, wondering how to open it.

"Mr. Cedric! Please open up! I'm worried!"

Finally realizing no one was going to open the door, Sofia looked around to see if there was another way in. Then she noticed the welcome mat under her feet. She checked underneath it and was relieved to find a spare key there. She would talk to Mr. Cedric about getting a better hiding place for his keys later. Right now, she needed to find him.

Slowly, she opened the door and slowly wandered it. There were broken test tubes and beakers on the group. Sofia carefully navigated through them and finally found her way to the restroom. She could hear the shower running, but she just couldn't wait for him to leave, so she opened the door and stepped in.

Inside, she found Cedric, fully clothed, and sitting under the freezing cold water raining on him.

"Mr. Cedric?"

Cedric turned to look at her, his eyes slightly glasses over like he wasn't quite there. He tilted his head in confusion.

"You're not real. So, why are you acting concerned."

Sofia stepped closer and turned off the water.

"Mr. Cedric, I am real. Sofia, remember?"

He looked at her confused, but his eyes sparkled a bit like he recognized her voice.

"Remember that one time, that you chased the Griffin through the castle when he stole my amulet. Or that time, you..."

Sofia slowly continued to recall all the fun and sometimes ridiculous situations they have been in together. Some, might shake their heads and call her crazy for all the things she listed down. But, somehow, Cedric kept listening as every word as he made more and more connections in his head. Finally, his eyes were clear and he was shivering from the cold water he had been sitting for hours now.

"Sofia? What? Where?" he asked mindlessly.

"Mr. Cedric!" she cried out, pulling him in a tight hug, not caring if the front of her dress was wet now. She was just happy he was better now.

Cedric was confused, then he remembered what happened. He told Sofia how he had forced himself to try to accept Wormtail's absence in his life.

Sofia looked into Cedric's shiny gray eyes.

"Mr. Cedric, I know I'm just a kid. But, I promise you that from now, you will never be alone again. We'll do whatever we can to support you, but please don't close yourself off like this again. I know no one wanted today anything, but everyone was worried."

"Sofia, I'm glad you care for me. But, who else cares for me.---------- No one here wants me! I should just leave and go far away, somewhere I will not make any trouble for anyone else!"

"No, Mr. Cedric! I know it may seem like, no one cares about you. But, they do. Just you wait. I've sent someone to get help. I bet you'll be very much surprised to see how many people really care about you."

"Sofia, I'm glad you think that but I'm not so sure-" his words were cut off as Baileywick ran into the room, along with the Queen.

"Oh dear! Cedric, what are you doing? Let's get this water turned off," Baileywick exclaimed as he rushed to turn off the water.

"Sofia, sweetie. Your father is trying to clean up the glass in the laboratory. Can you and your siblings run off to get some towels? We'll be needing them," her mother directed the little girl, who promptly ran off to do her assigned tasks.

Cedric wasn't sure what to say. He couldn't believe what was even going on. The queen was here? And Baileywick? The king was cleaning up his lab? Was this a lucid hallucination or something?!

The queen crouched down to Cedric's position and pulled him into a hug, even though they were separated by the lower half of the tub. She ran her fingers through his two-toned hair.

"Cedric, I'm sorry we didn't see what was going on sooner. However, I promise you that from now things will be different. We'll help you get past this, no matter how long it takes, okay?"

Cedric wasn't sure if this was even real or not, but after weeks of no social interaction at all, it was nice to be treated like this. He closed his eyes and nodded his head, even though he didn't believe himself at all. A few tears escaped his eyes as he finally felt more loved than ever before.

Soon, before he knew it, he was whisked off to his room. He was too tired and hungry to notice who dried him from his wet trip to the shower. He did remember the Queen vaguely trying to feed him soup. He slept for a few days straight. Every time he would wake up, he wasn't quite awake. But, he would always make sure someone was with him and then promptly fall back asleep.

Finally, after a few weeks of a lot of people taking care of him, the young wizard had his first awakening without being confused or loopy.

Cedric was surprised to see the room full of flowers, letters, and similar things. He tried to sit up when he realized someone was holding his head. It was Sofia. She was sitting on a chair next to his bed and was gripping his hand in her sleep.

Cedric smiled, as he finally took in the things around him. The voices were definitely wrong. If no one actually liked him, then he would not have so many things sent to him. Maybe Sofia was right. People did care about him, at least somewhat. He finally laid back, realizing that he did not have to be alone anymore. He had all these people to keep him company. He didn't need Wormtail. Not when he had so many friends . . . and family.

He looked at the young princess next to him and smiled gently.

"Thank you, Princess Sofia. Thank you."

#sofia the first #sofia the fandom #cedric #cedric the sensational #cedric the sorcerer #cedric the great #wormtail #princesssofia #king roland #baileywick #isolation

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sup-hoes-its-me · 5 years

Text

With Time (Tobirama x Reader)

A/N: I'm a terrible writer, I know. Tobirama x reader bc this guy doesn't get enough love. I really love the song anxiety by blackbear so here's a one shot inspired by the vibes i get from it.

word count: 4732

Part one/Part Two/Part Three

I am a Hatake. Naturally I loved dogs, right? They were our family’s summon, our most important companions (other than our human ones), and the one true beast we trusted with our lives. You’d think I’d get along with every dog and mutt out there, regardless of breed, right?

Wrong.

There was one absolute dog that I could not stand. His name was Tobirama Senju. He was the bane of my existence.

Ever since we were children growing up together, I couldn’t stand him. I was always close with his older brother, Hashirama, or as I nicknamed him, “Hashi-kun”. We would run through the forest together, playing silly games like cops and robbers, and pretending we were explorers from a far away land. Then, when we grew of age, we started to train together in our shinobi natures. While he was the only living person known to use the Wood nature, I inherited the Lightning nature from my father.

We were raised in the Warring States period, and although most clans were at war during this time, the Hatake and Senju never had issues with each other (idk if this is even true, just go with it, fam). It was mainly us against the terrible Uchiha who threatened our lives each time we battled. When we were old enough to engage in combat, we did. That’s how our childhood was. We fought for our lives if we could use our chakra, if not we stayed at home and did what we could to support our clans.

For the most part, I was a friendly, easy going girl. I liked normal things, like eating dango and climbing trees and making friends. But for some goddamn reason I could not bring myself to like Tobirama. Frankly, I thought he was a grumpy bitch, and I didn’t want anything to do with him.

Still, Hashirama insisted that I attempt to become friends with him. After all, they were brothers, and if I was to be one of his best friends, I would need to be civil with his only surviving brother.

But it was just everything about that mug that made me want to punch him in the face. His stupid spiky gray hair that almost matched that of my clan. I hated the way he marked his face every morning with that red paint. His face protector was the ugliest, stupidest thing I’d ever laid eyes on.

And god, was he rude to me. Always had been since I first met him at six years old. Six! He was five and I was six, and he completely embarrassed me in front of my friends by telling me my lightning release was weak, and his baby brother could do better. The comment was far from necessary, and it made me fume.

Not to mention he had to be better at everything. He had to best me at Water Release, and he always one upped me when we trained. Hashirama would laugh and always congratulate both of us for our skills, but I was always shamed I couldn’t impress anyone. He always had to show off in front of his clan, my friends, even my dad.

Even my summon, Popo, had taken a liking to him after I specifically told the dog that the boy was pure evil.

To put it simply, Tobirama was my rival and a pain in my neck. I’m not sure he was fully aware of how I felt because I tried to keep things civil, but I could tell from sideways glances and scoffs that he knew something was up between us.

The first time I actually spoke to him alone, without the comforting presence of Hashirama was almost eye-opening. I was sitting in a tree, the ripe age of seventeen. It was my birthday, and I spent it alone. Ever since my father died, I spent the majority of holidays alone.

I let my feet swing below me, hanging from the thick branch. I pulled one of my knees to my chest to hug, pressing my nose to my skin to hide my face. I wouldn’t cry, but I couldn’t help but feel empty. Being isolated in this way really damages a person.

The tree I sat in was producing bright green apples, and they hung around me. They were still sour, not quite ripe yet. I could smell them, the intense scent of freshly picked apples, like the ones my mother used to bring home to bake. They reminded me of a time when my older brother ate so many sour apples because of his and got so sick to his stomach he was throwing up for two days.

Suddenly, I jumped when an apple came hurtling my way and knocking into the trunk I leant against. I cursed under my breath and glared down at the ground, looking for the culprit so I could give them a good whack on the head. Instead, I was met with someone unexpected, and most definitely unwelcome.

“What the hell, Senju?” I growled at him, picking an apple by my head and throwing it down at him with deadly accuracy. He sidestepped it though with a soft ‘tsk’ under his breath. When he said nothing for another few moments, I persisted. “Well? Do you have an issue because I’d rather not be harassed by-”

“Shut up, Y/N. I’m not here to give you a hard time,” he sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose between two fingers. “I’m actually here to give you something.”

“Sure you are.” I rolled my eyes as I replied. He had to be pulling my leg. I mean, what would he have to give me other than a bad day and embarrassment. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited with my nose stuck in the air. He looked just as unimpressed and irritated as I did, but I could see some foreign emotion flashing through his red almond eyes. I questioned flatly, “What is it?”

He pulled a small box from his pocket, about as big as the palm of his hand and tossed it to me. I caught it in my hand and held it up to inspect it. It didn’t look dangerous, but it could have a paper bomb inside for all I knew. I pulled the box into my lap so I could glare down at him.

“Why are you giving this to me? What is it?”

“It’s just something I had lying around. Don’t think much of it, Hatake,” the boy told me gruffly before turning on his heel. Just as he made it a few steps in the other direction, he abruptly came to a stop and tilted his head forward. I wondered if he was contemplating something as he stood there with his hands strictly shoved in his pockets. I thought for a second to throw another apple at him, but decided against it. I’m so glad I didn’t.

He peered over his shoulder for a quick second before looking away again. “Happy Birthday, Y/N.”

I gaped at him as he walked away. When he was out of my sight, I looked down at the small box in my lap and narrowed my eyes. Was this really a birthday present from my rival? I took a deep breath and untied the wire holding the lid closed.

Hesitantly, I opened the lid and put it to the side. Inside the box were two absolutely beautiful shuriken. They were razor sharp, two of the best I’d ever seen. They were so new and polished that they glimmered in the sunlight. I gasped as I picked one up and held it in my hands. It was weighted perfectly and sat in my hand like it was made for me.

There was no way he just kept shuriken of this quality just sitting around. Tobirama must have bought these special for me. For my birthday. No one cared about my birthday anymore. Not even my brother who lived with his wife and family. As I held the shuriken in my hands, I let out a hitched breath.

Tobirama, you bastard.

_______________________________________

The second time I was alone with Tobirama was actually during a confrontation. Never in my entire life did I think I would defend the Senju, actually protect him from harm like I cared about him, only that’s precisely what happened when he encountered a certain Madara one day when he was in the forest training.

Tobirama had a special place he preferred to train. It was right at the edge of the forest beside the river. He was so skilled in his water jutsu and worked on this developing one. I forgot what it was called, but it involved beautiful water dragons. I watched him conjure it once while I worked on the side with Hashirama. I was completely captivated. It was beautiful, what this man had created.

I was walking through the forest with my summon by my side. He was a majestic husky with intense blue eyes and reddish-brown fur mixed into the white. I loved him like my own family, and often let just walk around with me when I was lonely. He was nice company.

He knew all about my conflicted feelings towards Tobirama. He knew how I thought that his jutsu were gorgeous, and that I’d been moved when he gifted me those shuriken for my birthday. He knew all about it. And he often teased me. It was like having an annoying older brother around, I swear.

“Are you aware that you’re leading us directly to where Tobir-” I swiftly cut Popo off before he could say anything else.

“I just wanted to visit the river today and sit on my favorite rock, Popo. I doubt he’ll be training this late, anyway.” That was a lie. I knew Tobirama would be training at this time. He trained nearly every day at six sharp, and it was a little after seven. He probably wouldn’t finish up for another hour.

I didn’t quite understand why I wanted to see him, but I was convincing myself it was just to thank him for the shuriken he gave me a week ago. That had to be it. I wasn’t going to visit Tobirama for my own satisfaction, was I?

My dog laughed to himself, but continued at my side obediently as always.

The forest was oddly tense as we approached the river where he would normally be. I could faintly make out his figure from where I was, but also there was another figure just beyond him, dressed in all black with black hair. My gut immediately told me, Uchiha, and I gasped. My hand subconsciously slipped out one of the shuriken from my pocket, clutching it tightly between my fingers as I approached on silent feet.

And as I listened in on their conversation, narrowly avoiding their range of sight behind trees and thick brushes, I realized the danger in this confrontation. I bit my lip and fiddled with my weapon, ready to pounce on Madara if needed. Strangely, I felt the need to protect Tobirama. It was like this odd burning desire in my stomach, and I desperately wished to smother the thought.

Only, my mind was on more important things.

I could barely make out what he saying at first, but finally I could hear what Tobirama was saying, and it left my heart racing. “-the only way to end this is to kill you.” He sounded so serious, his voice deep and terrifying. Although these two boys were only teenagers, barely seventeen, they were fully capable and ready to slaughter each other.

My back pressed to a tree, feeling the bark scratch my skin through the fishnets. The shaking through my hands was almost uncontrollable, and I had to steady them to keep from dropping my weapon. I was scared. I admit it. I was terrified. I didn’t want to just stand here and let Tobirama get hurt, but Madara, all of the Uchiha really, were terrifying.

“The day I allow you to raise a hand to me will be the day you die, Senju,” the other boy replied.

“So be it. We will see who really is superior.”

Then, the sound of a sword unsheathing made my head snap up and breath to suddenly inflate my lungs. The fear for myself left my body as I rushed out from behind the tree. I felt like crying as tears gathered behind my eyes. There would not be a fight to the death on this day, at this spot, if I could help it.

I threw myself between the pair. I thankfully kept myself on my feet as I gasped, gritting my teeth to keep myself from crying. I held up a hand towards Madara, as if I had a chance of keeping him from destroying me and getting to Tobirama with the snap of his fingers. My entire body was trembling so violently that I could barely keep my balance.

Tobirama was completely shocked to see me, his eyes wide and concerned. He noticed the glint of his shuriken in my hand and the tears streaming down my face. He was beginning to say something, but only my name left his lips.“Y/N-”

Madara rudely interrupted, his eyes scanning my quivering, minuscule form with amusement in his eyes. “Who is this? You’re little Hatake girlfriend? Can’t defend yourself, Tobirama,” he mocked. I glanced up at him finally, having enough courage to face him. He had no emotion in those blank black irises. Nothing. I felt another rough tremor run through my body at that.

“Please, don’t. N-Not here. Not now, M-Madara,” I whispered through my teeth. I took another step closer to Tobirama until I could feel the heat from his body. I kept my eyes on the Uchiha though. He had no right to threaten my friend like this. He had no right to cross this river where Tobirama trained and threaten to steal his life. “Tobirama, please,” I whimpered. His rough, calloused fingers touched my upper arm before wrapping around and tugging me closer to him, almost behind him in a protective stance.

His gaze was enough for the Uchiha to get the hint. It was not the time. “Fine,” he replied grimly. “Another day we will finally see who prevails.”

With those words being his last, he left into the forest.

I let out a sob, pressing my hands over my eyes to cover my pathetic tears. Why was I even crying? I wasn’t sure. Was it because of my fear, or because of my overwhelming rush of adrenaline? I felt like I was drowning in my emotions, and the only thing I could do was cry.

Tobirama sighed, brushing a few strands of my hair behind my ears. “Y/N, why did you do that?” he mumbled.

“I couldn’t just let you get hurt. I thought you might die, Tobirama!” I cried, burying my face further into my palms.

“Do you doubt my abilities?”

“Tobirama, please. I-I just couldn’t stand the thought of you getting hurt; even if you are strong, you can still make a mistake, you idiot!” I bawled, finally taking my hands off of my face. Before he had the time to protest, I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and pulled him close to me, burying my snotty nose and salty eyes into his shoulder. “You dumb idiot. Are you trying to get yourself killed?” I scold him against his collarbone, my lips just barely skimming his skin.

He was awkward and tense, wrapped his arms strictly around my shoulders and patted me on the back.

“Don’t do that again!”

“Y/N-”

I hissed against his skin and tightened my grip on his neck. “Shut up. Just promise me!” I cried. He nodded begrudgingly, but that was enough for me. I melted in his hold and kept crying until all the tears had drained from my body. And he didn’t utter another word.

___________________________________________

The third time was different. The third time I knew I felt something for Tobirama at this point that I would have never even given thought to before. I was twenty, living alone in my single room apartment. I was a weak shinobi that woke up every morning, wore nearly the same outfit, drank the same tea from the same tea shop, saw the same faces on the street, and reported to the same hokage each morning.

But I rarely slept. My sleeping schedule ran wild and irregular. It was because I could never get him off my mind. The brother of the first Hokage, the boy who gifted me those shuriken when we were seventeen. The boy who threatened an entire clan and could probably succeed. The boy who held me when I cried and promised me things would be okay.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he smirked when someone did something stupid, or the way he rolled his eyes when his brother spoke about gambling and laughed like a complete lunatic. I couldn’t stop thinking about his face, and how he looked just right when the sun was shining in from the east. I liked the color of his hair, and that his eyes were a unique red, unlike the sharingan, but perfect for him.

His jutsus were outstanding, and his speed rivalled that of no other. He was amazing.

I was entranced by Tobirama Senju, and no one was to know. Not even my best friend, Hashirama. Definitely not him. He would no doubt attempt to meddle and ruin everything. He would be ecstatic and tell me that his plan or whatever worked out, that he was jumping for joy that his best friend was interested in his little brother.

The mere thought of that man’s reaction made me want to be sick.

I’m not sure why I suddenly had this infatuation with the light haired warrior. I wanted I drown out those thoughts, but they kept coming back. I could barely keep my composure when we were working together. He was so handsome, and each time we touched I felt jolts go up and down my arms. Not only was it embarrassing, but incredibly frustrating. I couldn’t get my work done properly with him around.

The only one to know about my feelings was, of course, Popo.

‘Y/N, I’ve known since you were five years old that you were interested in that Senju boy,’ Popo would tell me as if he really knew this would happen all along. He would say, ‘Although, he doesn’t seem like the dating type, and is quite cold, I believe that you two have history and chemistry to work through the dents.’

And I always scoffed. I did not want to pursue a relationship with him. He was still the annoying Senju I’ve always known, only now he’s grown up and isn’t as rude and ugly anymore. He might even be helpful and attractive...at times. That’s all I’m saying.

Anyway, after the village was created and Hashirama took place as Hokage, he was quick to let me take the place as his personal assistant, which basically meant I just helped him with paperwork and advised him on some important issues facing Konoha. Tobirama was also there to make decisions. We all worked together to keep the village afloat and developing.

I sat beside the long-haired man’s desk with Popo sitting by my side, his head resting in my lap. I stroked his fur softly with my free hand as I filled out paperwork with the other. Hashirama drank tea and scanned over his lotto tickets from earlier that week. He was quite the gambler, and he’d even passed the trait onto his granddaughter, Tsunade. Cute little girl, I tell you, but god was she stubborn.

I took a break from the work to sip at my own green tea, my eyes sliding from the work to my friend. He caught my gaze and grinned. “Y/N, you really don’t have to fill that out if you don’t want to. It’s my job after all.”

“It’s fine. Gives me something to do.”

“Or we could just talk, like old times! What do you say?! It’s been weeks since we had a long, fun conversation, don’t you think, Hatake?” he asked with a chuckle. I nodded, a smile growing on my lips as well. I set down my tea and placed my pen into the ink pot.

“How’s life? Treating you well?”

I nodded, wondering why he was asking. He saw me everyday, and asked the same question each morning, and then after lunch. “I mean, yeah. I don’t have anything to complain about,” I replied, trying to come up with something other than “fine” or “good” like usual.

“Any suitors yet? I know you’ve been single for a long time.”

“Hashi-kun, you know me. Lonely as always. None of the other shinobi catch my eye,” I lied through my teeth. And as always, my cheeks turned a bit red. They always did when I was thinking about Tobirama. When he mentioned suitors, I hated that my mind immediately went to him. “Well, there might be one person, but it’s not plausible.”

He quirked a brow, and I noticed the bright smile growing on his face fill with mischief. I guess this is why he’s my best friend. “Oh? Care to share?”

“Not particularly. I don’t want to get your hopes up,” I laughed, but it was obviously to cover up my nervousness. He noticed.

“Ah, I see. Well, if you need help, I’m all ears, and I can be quite the matchmaker.”

We talked about some other stuff, like his family and my dogs, especially Popo, who remained asleep in my lap for the conversation. The door finally swung open an hour or so later after the sun had begun to set and our tea run cold. Without a knock or anything, the door creaked open and in entered Tobirama in his casual clothes, forehead protector nowhere to be seen. That was my favorite time to stare at his face, as weird as that is. He just looked so...manly. Kinda...well, hot! He was hot as fuck with his hair falling down and his face clear.

He froze when he noticed me sitting at the desk with his brother and my summon. Eyes scanned my form, and I felt myself shift under his gaze. “Tobi,” I hummed the sweet nickname I adopted about a year or two before.

Tobirama rolled his eyes at my nickname, still not used to the casualness behind it. His hand went to rub the back of his neck. “Y/N, I didn’t know you were here.” He averted his gaze from me to the floor.

I noticed when he walked it that he looked clean and rid of sweat and dirt. He must not have trained today, or a least not at the usual time. He maintained that evening practice long into his adulthood. “I thought you would be training. Normally you’re out until eight or so working on your new jutsu,” I said.

“I decided to relax today.”

Satisfied, I smiled up at him and clapped my hands together.“That’s great. You deserve a break, you know. After all, you work so hard during the day trying to bring peace to Konoha and all.” It felt awkward: what I saying, praising him this way, the way he was looking at me as if I was the only one in the room that mattered.

Hashirama noticed the air between us, smugly crossing his arms across his chest and flicking his gaze between us. I gaped at him like a fish and quickly ducked my head, burying my face in my dog’s fur. He stirred from his slumber, but didn’t move, only sighed.

“I hope your conversation wasn’t too important-”

“Nope. We were actually just discussing you.”

I bit my lip, trying not to explode. What the hell were you doing, Hashirama? I screamed in my head. If he exposed me, I would kill him. Godlike shinobi or not, I would actually murder him.

Thankfully, Tobirama said nothing.

“What did you need, brother?”

“Tsunade was calling for you. She wishes you read her a story before bed,” he muttered sheepishly, a phrase I never thought I would use when talking about the man. Sheepish. He was the most blunt, brute man that I knew. Hashirama laughed as he stood from his desk, nodding his head.

He really adored his kin. I admired that about him. He had so many children and grandchildren, no wonder he was such a happy man. I peeked up from Popo’s fur to see my friend leaving the room. He waved to me and saved me a wink for when he was shutting the door. Dammit, Hashi. Like I thought, he was a meddling bastard.

“Y/N, how are you this evening?”

I bit my lip and looked to the side, not daring to look in his crimson eyes. My heart would no doubt skip a beat.

“I’m good, I guess. Just a lot of paperwork,” I told him softly, just barely below my normal speaking voice. He nodded firmly, and suddenly I couldn’t handle the tension between us. If possible, you could cut this tension with a knife. It was awkward and tense, and I could feel my pulse in my chest with every anxious, confused breath.

I stood from my place at the desk and brushed down my skirt, straightening my top as well. He scanned my form; I could feel it from the corner of my eye. I placed the files and papers in a neat pile on the desk, threw the pen in the bucket, and patted Popo on the back, as a signal we were about to leave.

He raised a non-existent brow at me, judging me with that dog logic of his.

“Are you leaving?”

“Yeah, well, Hashirama is gone, and I don’t have any more work tonight so-”

“Right, right. I won’t keep you,” he agreed, his voice lacking his normal confidence. He seemed tired, or even disappointed. Yet, I was too distracted with my own feelings to take much notice. “It was...nice speaking with you.”

I tried to gaze up at him, a small, lopsided smile on my lips. But his face was just too much for me to handle. I loved the way his lip was curved up in a weird grimace, almost a smile but almost a cringe. He looked hilarious. I liked the way his eyes stared out the window as if he felt nervous. He held his head high, chin in the air, but he looked so timid at the same time. He was completely adorable.

No doubt my cheeks were red as I turned my head down once again. “It was nice seeing you too, Tobi-kun.” My voice, as light as a feather sighed. I started to walk to the door and had my hand on the knob when my dog grabbed at my sleeve, making me pause if only for a split second.

But that second was enough.

“Y/N.”

Swiftly, I peered over my shoulder at him. The strange urgency in his tone made me take a second guess. I wasn’t sure how either of us were feeling in that moment. His emotions were hard to read that night. I felt like I was staring at a puzzle, an impossible one.

“Yes?”

“It’s nothing. I don’t know why I called your name. Carry on, Hatake.” My heart broke when he called me by my surname for the first time in years. Once again, I turned around and grabbed the doorknob, only this time I pushed the door open and left the room.

Popo sighed loudly as he trotted by my side down the long corridor. “You are a fool, Y/N. An absolutely foolish little girl.” And I couldn’t say anything back. I knew he was right.

#naruto #naruto x reader #tobirama #tobirama senju #senju x reader #tobirama x reader #naruto imagine #naruto shippuden #second hokage #wow i cant believe i wrote this long of a fic #i finished all three parts before post tho so check them all out #the ending is worth it #at least i hope it is #writing #mine #oneshot #naruto one shot

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mental-health-advice · 7 years

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I'm sorry bc this is going to be long, but I'm feeling extremely isolated at the moment bc it's summer and school can't occupy my time and distract me from my problems. I have friends in theory but I feel a disconnect from them, I feel really boring to them and maybe they're still friends with me out of pity. I'd like to make friends on here but I'm horrible at texting like idk why but I feel like I have nothing to say. I was okay with having a few good friends and not a sea of ppl (pt 1)

But when I went to visit my college for orientation, everyone seemed to know everyone, they’re all from the same area and I’m further away. I used to be more social and funny but now I just feel empty inside. I feel awful for putting my family through this bc I cry almost every day about going away and that I’ll die alone. And what’s worse is that a small part of me doesn’t even want to make friends, that part of me is pushing to isolate myself and says that I don’t need ppl, even though (pt2)

Hi love,

I think there must have been more parts to your ask, but we have only received these two, so I think Tumblr must have eaten them… I am going to try and answer based on these two parts, but if you want to resend the rest of your ask, I will edit this answer for you and add it in!

I am sorry that you are feeling so isolated at the minute, I understand how awful that can be as I am currently going through exactly the same thing being home from university and my friends for the summer.

Isolating yourself away from your friends and family can be a symptoms of many mental health conditions, for example, it is a common symptom of both depression and social anxiety. It can be really hard to deal with because isolation often feels like the safest option, but it can cause more negative feelings, such as low self-worth, etc. We cannot diagnose you with a mental health condition, and we cannot say for certain that this is what is going on, but it might be worth you talking to a GP or counsellor. Is this something you think you would be able to do? They could help you understand your feelings and recommend further treatment options/techniques for you to try. Here is our page about getting help!

Have you looked into any local groups or volunteer projects that you could join? Joining something like this could help you to make some friends locally, and hopefully would provide you with something interesting and valuable to do. When we feel isolated, we tend to convince ourselves that we are unlikable and that we will always be lonely; but this is totally not true! Loneliness and isolation are temporary, and you can over come it! I also think it is really important to try and stay in contact with your friends from school, even if this just means dropping them a message letting them know you are thinking about them - the bonds you have formed with these people are really important and i’m sure your friends would love to stay in contact with you.

Moving to a new school or college can be super daunting, and it is really common for people to feel like they are not going to fit in and that they won’t make any friends - there will be other people there who feel just like you, so please don’t think that nobody will want to spend time with you! There may be groups of people that know each other already, but you are all being put into a new environment and you will all be a little unsure of everything, so it will be easier to make friends than you think, I promise. Even small things like asking someone if they want a cup of tea, or inviting them to yours to study, are great ways to start making connections with people. Here is our page of advice about school/education, hopefully there will be some really useful information of there for you.

Again, I’m really sorry Tumblr ate the rest of your ask so this is only a partial answer, but please get back in touch if there is anything else I can help you with! Take care,

Rhiann xo

#anonymous #mha #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mharhiann #isolation #feeling isolated #feeling lonely #loneliness #college #school advice #making friends #dealing with loneliness #meeting new people

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toldumpurple · 7 years

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by crazychase

Celebrating the Soon to be completion of my novel! Here are the First Two Chapters! Enjoy and Look forward to Seeing A Kickstarter For first publishing and Editing! It will have some pretty cool rewards to go with it!

Prologue

The Date is 7165 AD or it would be if AD/BC was used anymore.

Welcome to the capital of the Global Peace and Science Treat Organisation aka GPSTO, Kondinumim, or Kondi as locals like to call it. Ever since the GPSTO took over the planet 1220 years ago the scientific development of the world has been strictly limited and monitored. The organisation’s eyes and ears were everywhere. Their enforcers are as strict as they are brutal and did not show leniency on even the smallest of offences toward the endless rules imposed by the GPSTO. The True Date according to the new system is 1221 GSR Imposed by the GPSTO standing for the date since their Global Scientific Reform.

The Global Scientific reform was a brutal era not unlike the records of the WW2 Holocaust where the organisation set up “re-education camps” sending almost 30 percent of the population being sent and never to be heard of again. The rest of the population was put under a dictatorship like reign of this faceless organisation under the premise of global peace. The Surviving population have silicon biotags that are needed for the simplest of tasks like walking down the street for exercise. These are known as Bio-Silicon Personal ID Pass, the SPIP. Even with all this security and force however there still is and always will be the Black market and shady dealers exploiting the system and evading the authorities.

After all… This is Human nature.

Five Years ago a mysterious Research publication by an unknown writer appeared on an open source mechanical engineering website. It was only online for 2 hours before the paper and the company vanished entirely without a trace. The paper has sparked a widespread urban myth about its existence though word of mouth as any mention of it within the network disappears. The Contents of the paper? The Complete mapped out pathways of the human brain, the theory of creating artificial consciousness, and how to replicate the human brain using bio-silicon and optic fibre components. One last copy of the paper remains. Printed and held by a young Mechanical engineer called Zeke Crassus who has every intention to try out the design.

Chapter 1: Sweet Beginnings

*CLICK*

An old video camera whirred to life and begins to record a young man in his mid-twenties sitting on an old metal stool in an engineering workshop. His hair messy but off his face almost teased up, face dirty from work in the garage. His bright green eyes highlighted by the deep blue work outfit he was wearing.

He takes a deep breath and starts to speak.

“Hi my Name Is Zeke Crassus, 26, mechanical engineer. For the last year I have been working on and fabricating parts for project Eden.

So here is the quick rundown on progress so far.

The torso head and first part of the limbs have been constructed and assembled using a special non- magnetic titanium alloy composite covered in porcelain to make the endoskeleton. The porcelain surface allows the attachment of the synthetic muscles by my design using glues and resins strong and flexible enough to prevent it from tearing away from the endoskeleton while generating enough force to move quicker than biological humans. Since any Idea of this concept or RND is considered Illegal by the GPSTO it is essential that by all regards that the finished product will appear to any one undergoing tests that project Eden is indeed human. Of course some alterations will have to be made so biological test will be evaded but this will not be too hard to overcome with the utilisation of a few medical advancements. For power GPSTO’s new eco power generation technology is going to be used which utilises Bacterial Symbiosis to break down food into electrical energy. This will create a more human feel allowing it to eat as a human would and go undetected. Specifically simple sugars will be needed to generate power and so biofilm coated silicon pouches that will excrete substance similar to salvia in humans accepting a larger range in diet.”

Zeke Pauses and rubs his eyes for a moment displaying signs of fatigue. He stands up beginning to pace as he continues his description of the project.

“However I digress as I have talked about a lot of this on a prior video diary. The Artificial brain is constructed as the paper specified but I am yet to get a response to show it is operational. Utilising the synthetic silicon heart technology from the medical field as a hydraulic pump I have managed to get the synaptic fluid to flow as intended relocating energy to the power generation areas and resupplying and supporting the symbionts according to isolated test results. The Muscle structure and silicon polymer skin has successfully mimicked natural form and project finally looks humanoid and not like some ancient sci-fi villain. Face and eyes have been fitted and the project has taken on a cute appearance which was an unintentional result. If the project identifies as male I may have to alter face structure and eye colour as purple would not come across as a male’s choice within the designer eye community. A Silicon keratin polymer has been created as hair which looks and feels like real hair however I have not figured out how to change its colour from silver yet. A test will be performed to see if a Dye can be used on the fibres as they are porous. Finally the project has had internet protocols enabled allowing downloading language and behavioural parameters after I enable the voice protocols from the workshops secure intranet.”

Zeke lets out a large sigh walking toward a large surgical style work bench and removes the sheet form the project.

There lay a humanoid figure with only a head, upper arms and thighs attached to the torso The Synthetic muscle was exposed on the entirety of the body with the exception of the face where the silicon skin was attached covering the multitude of small synthetic muscles needed for complex face movement

Zeke looks over the frame silently for a moment.

He begins to think to himself, “It’s Incredible that I have manage to build this much so far and avoid arousing suspicion or be caught yet,’ as he ponders whether it is fine for him to continue to the next stage of the experiment. In an attempt to motivate himself he states out loud as he flicks the power up switch to on, “It’s too late now to back away! You must finish this beautiful thing, Zeke!”

The project sits up and looks around the room from its position on the bench.

“Good”, Zeke stated, “at least we haven’t gone backwards from the last 93 tests.”

He starts to walk toward a laptop station connected to the power equipment thinking out loud, “Now just to activate voice and download the protocols from the intranet to see if that brain has started up yet.”

As he approaches the computer a sweet musical voice calls out from behind him, “Hey Zeke, you don’t have to do that.”

Frightened at the sudden voice Zeke Panics and spins around looking for the source of the mysterious voice calling out, “Who is there? How did you get into my show?! It’s after hours and we are closed!”

The mysterious voice pipes up again and says, “but I have always been here… you are the one who put me here and I cannot move for myself properly yet!”

Zeke dumbfounded and shocked looks toward the bench to see the project with a quizzical look on its face.

“Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-you can talk?!” Zeke stammered out. “But I haven’t activated any of your systems! How is this possible?! None of my other tests worked or even got a response!” Zeke exclaimed both shocked and excited.

“Well, I can turn on my own systems thank you but as for why I am talking now and not before…” project Eden stated trailing off then with a bashful full tone said, “I guess this is the first time you called me beautiful.”

Dumbfounded, Zeke froze mouth gaped.

“You mean you made me believe that you were defective 93 times just because I hadn’t complimented you yet?!” Zeke Exclaimed frustrated

“Please don’t yell at me”, Project Eden Said as it cowered as if waiting to be hit,” I just thought you were mad cause you always used rude words when working on me and well…”

“Well what is it?” Zeke inquired.

“Well, I thought if I talked you would stop spending so much time with me and I was lonely.” Project Eden said embarrassed.

Zeke let out a large sigh regaining his composure and warming up to this new development.

He moves closer to the bench turning off the still recording camera and grabbing his metal stool and approached the bench where project Eden was still sitting looking quite worried.

“So, look.” Zeke started as he sat down on the stool looking up at the cute worried face and stunning purple eyes, “I am sorry about all that, you surprised me and I didn’t know you were conscious, could hear me, or even were working at all. I was frustrated. Will you forgive me?” Zeke asked apologetically. While thinking, “I cannot believe I am apologising to my experiment!”

“Well you are forgiven”, Project Eden replied, ‘ Oh, and before I go back to sleep because I am fatigued, you can go ahead and finish putting me together as it is improper to leave a girl like this, I think I better introduce myself!”

“W-W-W-What?!” Zeke exclaimed, “Your name is Eden like Adam and Eve Eden! Cause you could have been male or fem…”

“God No!” She stated loudly cutting him off, “That is a horrible name! Where the hell did you get that from? You may be a genius but you are terrible with names!”

“WELL…. what shall you have me call you ‘The Mighty naming Princess of names’?!” Zeke replies with all the sass he can muster.

She lets out a cute and sweet toned giggle, turns toward him to look directly into his eyes and pulling the biggest smile Zeke had ever seen and proceeds to introduce herself.

“My name will be Arinel Rose and for when we are alone you can call me Ari!”

Zeke just sits there speechless at the sight that just befell him. His creation telling him off, showing varied emotions and even deciding on her own name and gender without any of his input codes.

“Good night Zeke, I look forward to getting my hair and the rest of my body assembled too, so I can move around and spend more time with you. It was lovely to finally start talking to you! I have been quite lonely.” Arinel states as she begins to lay down and take on the appearance of going to sleep.

Zeke replies as he begins to turn off all the equipment except Arinel’s maintenance power, “It was lovely to talk to you, the pleasure was all mine….

Ari….”

Chapter 2: In all the Time Gone By

Two weeks has passed since the day that Zeke spoke to Arinel. In those days Zeke never left his workshop, eating and sleeping within the shop to spend every waking minute that he was not doing commission work getting Arinel to completion. He had prepared a hospital gown for her feeling bad that she was unclothed and probably conscious. Once touch and heat sense was connected to the artificial skin he also got an extra pillow for her wondering if she was uncomfortable and every day he would talk to her about what he was doing, about himself, and the city that they live in. Arinel, unfortunately due to lack of operational power did not or could not reply to Zeke’s conversations.

In spite of this Zeke found that talking to this pretty and peaceful face laying on his bench very soothing. He found himself watching his language around her with the knowledge from his last conversation with her that she can more than likely hear him. Zeke found himself smiling more and more than he had in a long time while working to complete this cute, bright and bubbly mystery that he had found.

Today is August 13th of the Year 1221 GSR and in spite of all the exciting things that has happened to him over the last few weeks Zeke was very melancholy. He sat on his metal stool in his workshop unwilling to move, listening to the hum of the BIO Works Sili-synth generating Arinel’s synthetic skin over the sensory frame. Zeke realised that he should be fine tuning Arinel’s muscle microcomputers in her outer limbs or tweaking the heat/touch sensory system however he could not help but to just sit there silently staring at the plain concrete floor unable to move. He lifts his head and looks around his workshop from his stool and has a sudden feeling of emptiness. There are no voices, No people, and no one to be there for him. Zeke was alone. He was always alone.

It has been this way for him for the last five years.

Zeke turns his gaze to the almost complete Arinel laying on the bench looking at the peaceful and pleasant expression that she always has on that cute face now adorned by her pure silver hair.

“Ari…” Zeke manages to blurt in a squeaky and broken voice as if trying to clear his throat, Hold back tears and talk at the same time.

“I want to tell you a story…. A story that no one has heard roll from my lips because I have no one to tell. This Story is from 5 years ago.” Zeke said as he pulled his stool closer to the Bench that Arinel lay.

“I know you cannot respond and tell me to stop due to currently lack of power to initialise your voice function systems but I am going to need to tell you anyway because this is important to me and this day to this memory.” Zeke trailed off pausing for a moment as if waiting for her to respond before taking a deep breath in and out before continuing to speak.

“You see this place used to be a lot more lively than it is now… three times as much to be exact.” Zeke let out a large sigh and attempted to quickly stretch his back.”

“Five years ago I used to have a mother and father who ran this place and built it from the ground up. Dad was a doctor and specialised fixing people’s bodies with science and medicine while mum was the engineer who took on all the problems that dad could not handle or fix entirely like missing limbs and deformity correction. They were the perfect team and the city loved them. It wasn’t long before they had this place and all the equipment payed off. I have left out one important member of this team that came a bit later. My little sister, Anastasia Isabell Crassus… My adorable, ‘Stasha’… I adored her and the world has never seen or probably ever will see a Bio-silicon Skin Designer. In the skin being constructed for you was her last ‘gift’ to me if you could call it a gift. I found the design it on my desk under all the paperwork 4 years ago with a note saying, ‘I think this is my best yet! You cannot tell it apart from real Skin! Love you Big Bro!’ I almost threw it away but decided to keep it instead. I didn’t have any interest in the shop before this day five years ago, I just wanted to go out into the city and find more classic shows to add to my collection from the ancient times. I wanted to be a historian back then and have nothing to do with the shop, medicine, or bio-engineering at all but they made me help out at the shop anyway and I was good at it. I hated it, all I wanted to do was leave and get away from everyone and everything but looking back that time spent with them, is the best memories that I have.”

Zeke Paused and stood up stretching again and begun to pace around the shop.

“We made synthetic muscles, Limbs and even organs to assist anyone who may walk through the doors of the building or submit a request or problems. We constantly pushed the boundaries of the field into the future benefiting everyone with the technology we created in this very room. Mum and Dad’s revolutionary designs went out into the community and medical fields saving thousands of lives.”

“Or they used to …” Zeke said stopping abruptly in the middle of the room and proceeds to sit on the workshop’s concrete floor.

“You see, Ari… on this day five years ago,” Zeke’s voice began to crack and break as he spoke and he put his face in his hands, “They died, leaving me all along without a single word of goodbye. That morning I woke up to an empty shop. No Cute and bubbly little sister. No kind and caring Mother. No Honest and hardworking Father. I thought that they must have gone shopping for some parts but usually they could just use the ordering service and not have to leave the shop. I stupidly did not even question it or wonder why they had left. I wish that they had woke me before they left even if it was to hear the words ‘I Love you, big brother’ or ‘I love you, son’ come from my little sister or mother’s lips for one last time.”

Zeke paused for a moment from his monologue and stared at the ceiling before moving back to his stool next to Arinel as if he could not get comfortable.

“Then later that day just when I was starting to wonder why they were still out… I-I-I got a call. It was the authorities from the lower districts. They had discovered a body and they wanted me to come down. In our work that happened a lot to identify people by the alterations done to them such as artificial legs or eyes so I was not prepared for what I found when I arrived. My dear little sister and mother…”

Zeke stopped unable to continue and wept for a short time.

Once Zeke had regained some composure he began again, “It was my Dear little sister and mother. Broken. Dismembered. Partially burned beyond recognition and shot in several places each… I threw up at the site and to this day the thought of it makes me want to vomit. There are nights I still cannot sleep from seeing their faces burned into my mind. “

Zeke took a deep breath and realised he was trembling. He took a few more deep breaths in order to calm himself and then continued.

“The authorities instead of letting me adjust slapped handcuffs on me and lead me away to a questioning room where they questioned me in a way that made it sound that they believed I was the obvious culprit. The Best I could do was tell them the truth of what I knew between tears. They asked me about my father and if I hid the body. Once they realised and confirmed that I was home all day they told me that they found enough blood belonging to my father at the scene to indicate that he would be dead and were expecting the his body to turn up. It never did. To this day I do not know what became of my father. Ever since then I have worked to keep this store open and working in order to keep their memory alive. I kept the doors locked and shut, only taking orders through the ordering service. I don’t even know if the doors even open anymore and yours was the first voice I have heard since then.”

*DING* a machine chimed within the room startling Zeke lost within his own story.

Caught off guard by the sound he jumped from his seat looking to see where the sound came from, to realise the skin-synth had sounded and was complete ready to attach.

“Well that is perfect timing”, Zeke muttered, “I had just finished my tale anyway. Time to apply the rest of your skin, Arinel.” As he finished saying her name he glanced at her face to see the glistening surface of tears flowing from her closed eyes and a sorrowful expression twisted onto her face.

Zeke feeling surprised and upset with himself then spoke a deep apology saying, “Arinel, I am so sorry for making you listen to that. When I get your skin on, I will power you up again with the main generator so I can apologise properly so please wait till then.”

Zeke retrieves the skin from the Sili-Synth and applies it to her frame connecting all the heat and touch sensors carefully to the micro receptor frames built into the new skin and adds the gel based filler to provide shape, and create a natural body look and feel. Lastly he grabs the hospital gown that he had removed to apply the skin to cover her naked body then flicks the main power switch to the main power generator causing it to whir to life. Arinel’s eyes snap open immediately. She suddenly sits up and swings her arm slapping Zeke square in the face with the palm of her hand.

“ZEKE YOU IDIOT!” She yells at him visibly upset and cheeks still wet with tears. “You do not need to apologise for sharing your heartache with me!”

Zeke lowered his head ashamed. Suddenly he feels arm reach around him quickly and gets pulled in close softly.

“I was Sad you see, Zeke.” Spoke Arinel in her sweet soothing voice, “I was sad because you have been suffering all this time and I was not able to hug you and tell you it will be ok now and that you can rely on me from now on, ok?”

Zeke Nodded softly. He stood there still for a moment before attempting to pull away from the grip that has seized him unsure how to react but as he does Arinel pull him closer. Zeke surrenders into Arinel’s embrace and slides his arms around her as well pulling her closer into his chest. As he does he realises that she feels warm and soft and cannot help but ignore that just a bit earlier in the day she looked and felt like any of his machines and models within the shop but now she felt like any girl you would meet on the street.

She was beautiful, Cute, Warm, Soft, and comforting and while he held her he felt so comforted that he wished he could stay like this forever.

After a minute or so Arinel spoke up again, “So are you feeling a little better yet, Zeke? I don’t wanna see that sad look on your face again.” Zeke and Arinel separate from their embrace. He stares into Arinel’s glistening purple eyes and says to her,” As long as I never have to see you cry like that again.”

Arinel pulls a big smile wipes the remainder of her tears from her face with the sleeve of her gown.

“Of Course Zeke! Let’s do our best ok?” She says with a shining smile.

Zeke replies with the biggest smile he can muster and says, “Yes, Let’s.”

“I am glad you finally connected and turned the generator on so we could talk together again!” Arinel Said Joyfully. “Although I enjoyed listening to you talk to me every day and all the time you spent with me. It has been lovely hearing you talk to me even though I could not respond. You need to solve this power issue soon…”

“Oh!” Zeke Exclaimed remembering something, “that’s right to start generating power you need to start eating to get the power systems operational!”

“WHAT!” Arinel replied shocked, “You mean I could have just been eating the last few weeks and we would have been able to talk properly?!”

“Well…” Zeke trailed off, “I guess you could have but I hadn’t initialised any of the systems for tha…”

“DONE!” Arinel Chirped happily cutting him off.

“Ah… ok…” Zeke replied in a questioning tone then continued, “Just wait here a second.”

Zeke quickly jogs to his desk, opens a drawer and retrieves something from one of its trays before returning.

“This is a chocolate power bar, eat this and tomorrow you should have no problems getting around without a generator.” Zeke Explains handing her the packaged bar.

Arinel takes the bar, removing the brightly coloured packaging and begins to eat the contents.

Her Eyes Light up upon the first bite and with a half full mouth she call out, “Zeke! This is delicious! I love it!”

Zeke lets out a hearty laugh and responds saying, “I had a feeling you would like it!”

Suddenly feelings overly tired Zeke then comments,” Ari, I am going to leave the power generator on tonight so all your power systems initialise correctly but I have been up for 48 hours straight making sure your legs and arms would work properly so I am going to try get some rest…”

“Ok sleep well, Zeke!” Arinel pipes, “I will try to rest too so I can spend more time with you tomorrow!”

Well see you then…. Ari,” Zeke said walking toward the living quarters.

“See you then, Zeke! I look forward to it!” Arinel Calls out excitedly as he walks away.

*The Next Morning*

Zeke walks out of his sleeping quarters into the garage in a sleepy daze. He lets out a large yawn as he stretches.

“Morning Zeke!” a happy voice calls out.

Zeke rubs his eyes in an attempt to get the sleep out of his eyes so he can focus his eyes on the source of the voice. Once his eyes adjust to the bright morning light piercing through the sky lights he sees Arinel on the concrete floor to the shop in a w-sitting position with several dozen empty power bar wrappers strewn around her, remnants of chocolate smeared on her face and her silver hair sparkling in the morning light appearing almost amber I some parts.

Zeke was momentarily stunned by the oddly cute scene playing before his eyes.

“Uh… Good morning, Arinel. How are you feeling?” Zeke enquired.

“Zeke’s Girlfriend, Ari-Chan, Feeling better than ever!” Arinel calls out throwing her right arm into the air causing a power bar wrapper to get caught in the gust and float around like confetti.

Zeke Falls over shocked at what he just heard, “W-w-w-w-w-w-w-what are you talking about Arinel?! I don’t have a girlfriend!” Zeke Calls out embarrassed.

Arinel pulls a cute and soft grin at Zeke and states to him with a sweet tone, “Good, Well you do now!”

Zeke Sits up from his position on the floor, crosses his legs and begins to rub his eyes. “What the hell have I gotten myself into…” he thinks quietly to himself.

“Zeke, I want another chocolate bar! Can I have one? There is no more in the drawer…” Arinel asks sweetly tilting her head to the side as she asks.

Zeke mutters to himself as he attempts to get up, “It’s way too early for this… I need coffee…”

#The Crazy Chase #My novel #Synthetic Soul #Chapters 1 and 2 #Arinel Rose #Zeke Crassus #long post

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davidsilvercloud · 6 years

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Terry David “Butch/Butch Naked” Silvercloud

"Step aside! I shall perform the necessary heroics" Comic Book Guy/The Simpsons

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T. S. Eliot

11.7 Million photo views, to date at http://ButchNaked.com. Thank you. At this time I'm getting about 100,000 photo views a week.

Again... thanks for the visits.

TELL EVERYONE. Free photo downloads at BUTCHNAKED.COM

My homepage is http://ButchBoard.com

I'm not your average bowl of soup . Now keep reading.

THE DAILY GRIND... ARE WE THERE YET?

Saturday, 2 Dec., 2017. Dark, wet and grey and cool. Another day in the life. I'm lonely but feeling pretty good, lately. I've come to accept that I'm old and there is nothing I can do about it. Go with the flow, as it were. Did some painting, some selfies, some exercises, pot, coffee, T3's. Stopped at my pharmacy to drop off a Rx and get a flu shot on the way downtown.

......................

I'm old and I know it. Time is running out and I try, hard, to find ways to fix the planet and teach you things... to be useful, as it were.

I encourage you to learn a few things about history, not just isolated events, but to think about the time period and what was happening, at the same time, elsewhere. When you start doing that, creating a mental image timeline of history, time shrinks and you begin to see patterns and connections of things.

In 1300BC Egypt was still powerful, but falling into a slow decay. Old tombs were being robbed by the new kings. In England, the south and west were filled with enough humans to build Stonehenge and we know they ate a lot of pigs. The north was still pretty chilly but would have farmers in the next 400 years... many from Europe, as it would be easy to cross in the winter when ice bridges still formed.

Egypt would fall into decline because of a worldwide climate issue that affected the Mediterranean the most... drought would cause the first recorded labour strike... there was no grain to make payments. The Jews would high tale it out and move east and north to greener pastures, as it were. By 1,000BC King David, a little red-headed Jew would begin a short-lived Jewish kingdom, of sorts. That would come crashing down by the 8th century BC. The Minoan Empire vanished along with Myceans around 1200BC. Likely a volcano blew its top and caused the issues all over the place.

Meanwhile, in N and S America, the Inca would begin to rise around 500BC as well as the Mayans. The Inca/Aztecs would wipe out the Mayans by 1200AD and be, themselves wiped out by the Spanish and Portuguese in the 15-1600's, for their gold.

In 400-500BC people like Buddha (623BC), and Confucious (551BC) came into the world. Alexander the Great would follow. In the far east, the Jews had been free from Persian control for a few hundred years but were not of any consequence upon the planet. The Egyptian empires were in decline and had been for centuries. In England, farming had begun and Viking invasions and control were the norms. In North America, the Mayan Empire was on the rise and would fall in the next 1,000 years. China was not an Empire to be feared. What China lacked but would soon get, were horses. China didn't have full-size horses until the rise of the Mongols who would make excellent use of war horses. India had been in decline for centuries and continued to decline... Alexander the Great was coming to India soon. ..............................

THIS IS THE END OF THE DAILY GRIND.

IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE, BEFORE, HERE IS MORE STUFF TO READ...

I'm a bit OCD and ADHD and go on like a dripping tap. Think Sheldon Cooper, if that rings some kind of bell. I quite simply assume everyone around me is a complete idiot.

http://DavidSilvercloud.com (Blog) (http://David_Silvercloud.Tumblr.com)

http://ButchNews.com (Video) (http://YouTube.com/ButchNews)

http://ButchNaked.com (Photo Stream) (http://Flickr.com/David_Silvercloud)

http://SeriousThunder.com (Art)

http://ElectronSpeed.Tumblr.com ...(Physics... The Speed of Light, Grand Unified Theory, Gravity, Dark Matter, Dark Energy... how the physical size of the Electron is the clock that sets the speed of light. Gravity is motion and a product of the fact that nothing ever sits still, combined with the magnetic properties of Dark Matter/Energy. Nothing can ever move in an absolute circle and rest is a relativity illusion.

Absolute rest is not possible... ever. The universe can not end. Time is change and is an illusion. It is always now, everywhere, all at once, all of the time. Proof of that is that ANY object MUST be HERE and THERE at the SAME time, no matter how large... even a Galaxy. It is always NOW on both sides... here and there, in space, of the Galaxy... all galaxies, everywhere. Waves can be either physical or electronic. The duality of the universe keeps it ongoing. DNA is the battery of life. When the chains can no longer co-operate, life ceases in the body. Life, itself, is a duality. Time measurement is a relativity convenience.) Time travel is impossible because time is not a place and nothing stays where it was. One year from now the Solar System will have moved about seven BILLION kilometres through space and will NEVER return to where it was... ever.

Earth travels through space like a long wave... it has NEVER, ever made an actual circle, nor ellipse, in space. The circle/ellipse is an illusion of relativity. Nothing can ever travel in an actual circle in space... NOTHING. Nothing can ever go backward. Backwards motion is an illusion of relativity. Time is a repercussion of change and has no fixed rate... things explode or move like a glacier. At best we can only compare rates of change. Our rate of change is called the second/minute/hour/day/month/year system.

WATCH VIDEO FOR EXPLANATION OF THE PATH OF EARTH THROUGH SPACE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPjohZCMwmI

Earth moves about 7 billion kilometers through space, each year... in a long wave. Earth NEVER returns to where it was before. Earth is NOT an island in space... one of the reasons why time travel is impossible. If you take a trip through space, outside the Solar System, Earth will NOT be there when you return... it will be far, far away. You will have to return to where it will BE when you arrive... remember, it's moving very, very, very fast through space in a long wave... never a circle, or ellipse.

http://The-Shape-Of-God.Tumbler.com Manuscript of my book... The Shape of God.

Butch, himself. Visual Artist, Photographer, Physicist (Particle, Sub/Atomic Physics/Relativity)

Inhibitions are just so inhibiting, I avoid them.

I'm a friendly, but pretty blunt, kind of guy. No time for beating around the bush. I like to say what I mean and mean what I say. I'm 73 years old. Time is not on my side. You don't have to like me. I'm a social recluse, anyway. I share my life, in photos, video, and words, to let you into my life and hope to inspire you to be a productive and useful human. I have old age issues but will continue to post, here, while I'm well and able. I talk a lot... I'm told it's part of my OCD and ADHD. Come direct at http://ButchNaked.com Sign in if you wish to see me naked.

If you don't know me, the following might help you get to know what kind of person I am. I don't expect you to understand me. I can be a bit OCD and ADHD.

"They've already got more blowjobs than we'll ever get" Steve Smith (American Dad), talking about college jocks.

"Now let us touch testicles and mate for life" Alien on The Simpsons

"It never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun" Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons.

I'm here to teach you things. While I appreciate other people's opinions, I really don't much give a crap what anyone thinks. Until you prove your worth, I will be nice but you have to earn my respect. The moment you say a word, I'll be figuring you out really, really fast. You should assume that I don't trust anyone. I've not met a single trustworthy person in my entire life. I've met lots of nice people who aren't too bright... well-intentioned folk who know little about anything, people who are nice, most of the time until you say something that offends them. Honourable people agree to disagree.

Look up the phrase "CRITICAL THINKING" then learn to practice it. Most people leap before they look and judge before they listen to the facts. Most don't have enough knowledge, nor experience, to be experts in much of anything. You don't know what you don't know. I like to remind you of that, often.

The only other REALLY IMPORTANT thing to know about me is that I, totally, despise all religions, the teaching of religion, and religious institutions... I despise them as the evilest things on the planet. If you follow a religion, you CAN NOT BE MY FRIEND. THAT'S THAT. You are an ignorant idiot who is an ever-present danger to yourself and everyone and everything around you. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, is eviler than religion. I don't stand for, nor sing, our National Anthem because it praises a fictitious and superstitious being called 'God'. Only a brain dead moron bonehead ignorant idiot would believe such a thing.

If you have a religion, I will not associate with you... period. You are a danger to be around. Yes, I insult religions... they are extraordinarily evil. I said it, I mean it. You have a right to be an idiot, but not around me. I have a right to defend myself against the horrors of religion and I will. Religion is evil. I can't say it enough times. http://The-Shape-Of-God.Tumblr.com

I keep a homepage at http://ButchBoard.com

My main video page is http://YouTube.com/ButchNews go direct at http://ButchNews.com

You may come directly to my photostream at http://ButchNaked.com

You must sign in to see me naked. You may download and share nude photos of me... go nuts.

GOOGLE my name (Terry David Silvercloud or David Silvercloud) for more information.

#artist #Photographer #phycisist

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