#and so then i feel like dying and i isolate myself even more even online

[sensazioneultra]

does anyone else ever feel like their heart is gonna explode from how much they hate themselves and feel lonely or am i the most fucked up person ever

#i mean. if i am lonely it must be bc i isolate myself but i isolate myself bc i hate everything about myself #and whenever i attempt to make friends it's stupid attempts and i seem weird and annoying and clingy etc #and i bet i make people uncomfortable #and i bet everyone especially irl thinks i am just the weirdest worst person #and so then i feel like dying and i isolate myself even more even online #i just. can't do it this week. i juwt cant. it's so awful. i feel so bad. i wanna disappear. #i am the worst. i suck and i get why ppl don't wanna be my friends. i wanna cry. i hate myself. #sorry. i know. this most makes thints worse. this post doesn't help. i don't even fucking know. i just neee to vent. sorry #i am so so s9 so lonely i feel like my heart is gonna stop beating from how much it's aching #if i died tomorrow i'd be quite okay w it tbh #i don't even wanna talk about my cat. hes gonna die.soon. im gonna feel so fucking sad and devastated it'll rip my heart to shreds #what a fucking pathetic life lol #delete later

[constellationcore]

The story of Jonah Marshall is one of rose colored glasses and loneliness, and it feels like the more we learn more about Adam and the formation of the modern iteration of BPS his story gets sadder.

It's easy (and fairly understandable) to typecast Jonah as the cowardly stoner, and that's largely to do with the way his character is framed by a primary character in the story. Much of what we know about Jonah is informed secondhand through Adam. It is also abundantly clear that Adam has a strained relationship with Jonah, and only seems to want to describe him as unserious, cowardly, and a stereotypical stoned slacker. And while I don't think any of that is necessarily wrong, there is potential for there to be more to his character than just a surface analysis.

I'd ask that you consider an alternate framing of Jonah, informed by some of the canon we learn from Adam's diary, Vol 2, and Vol 4.

Jonah gets a message from someone online asking for help with his ghost investigations, likely because of Jonah's interest in the paranormal or filming (probably the latter if we're considering his popularity on the BPS YouTube channel and his tendency to be the one operating the camera equipment). The opportunity is advertised as dangerous and potentially threatening, but at the intersection of living in your successful father's shadow and needing the chance to make something of yourself in a backwater town, any opportunity is a good one. This portion (to the next line break) is informed mostly from personal experience rather than canon, but this sort of willingness to take even the most dangerous opportunity with a complete stranger screams lonely, ignored teenager. The way he interacts with Adam in a potentially annoying, jokey sort of way is exactly how I tend to act when trying to make myself seem more fun while making friends, or how my siblings and I acted when we wanted our busy parents' attention.

Perhaps instead of just being a bored teenager who needed a way to pay for weed, Jonah used the new opportunity with BPS to make something for himself and to not be in the same lonely, isolated space as before. He tries to be friends with the person he works with, joking with Adam at any opportunity. For Adam, these investigations are extremely serious and has a lot of personal importance. But for Jonah, BPS doesn't have the same personal stake, rather it's an opportunity to do something he enjoys (to some degree) with people he's friends with. Specifically referencing a line from Vol 4, Jonah views himself and Adam as best friends, which is telling to how attached he is to Adam: even if the friendship is, in actuality, only one way. Jonah sticks with Adam during the more alternate-centric investigations because he truly wants to believe that Adam is his friend and the investigations will help him find/cope with the loss of his mother. It paints their Vol 2 argument in an entirely different light: instead of it being strictly about Jonah being cowardly during the entire investigation and not wanting to confront the truth/alternates (as Adam seemed to believe), it's Jonah's final attempt to reason with Adam. The rose colored glasses are off, and he's finally understanding that Adam will do whatever is necessary to know the nature of his mother's death and his own existence, and Jonah was just a stepping stone to get there.

Part of what made Jonah's character so effective to me is because he is such an everyman. Instead of staying and witnessing the existential horrors locked away in the basement, he does his best to convince his friend to choose self preservation and their friendship over a veritable death sentence. and when that doesn't work? He leaves. Presumably both with the intention of saving himself and to tell Sarah and any BPS associated party what happened, maybe to get help in some way and dying enroute (which is what occurs in Jonah's biblical counterpart's story). But what makes Jonah's death via M.A.D. so punchy is what he's torn up about: leaving his friend behind. This links directly back to what I mentioned about the argument as a last effort to get make his friend understand the danger he is in, but the way the alternate preys upon him? The most effective way to make Jonah succumb to madness, given the extent of existential terror a being like an alternate is capable of reaping on someone? The guilt of losing one of the only friends he had—and by extension one of the only things he cared about. That he would be all alone again through no fault other than his own.

#constellationcore writes #the mandela catalogue #mandela catalogue #jonah marshall #adam murray #i want to clarify that this is absolutely /not/ an attempt to villainize adam !! man has his own problems and i adore his character #rather i wanted to use his tendency to be an unreliable narrator due to his.. being an alt.. as a way to explore jonah's character potentia #also NOT A SHIP holy shit this is an exploration into an objectively very unhealthy friendship do NOT tag it as such #this is not a tmc ship friendly blog #also also this is obvs not canon! idk what the intention was behind jonah as a character but this is how i see him! w my big autistic eyes

[convolutedblasphemy]

Since it's Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week I want to thank the aro community for everything they taught me and everything they did for me even before I started to identify as frayromantic. I had so much amatonormativity to unlearn before I could arrive at this point, so this is my first aro week, but identifying as ace for years, I inevitably met a lot of aros online and saw a lot of aro positivity posts.

Truth be told, from age 14 - 19 I suffered a period of debilitating, very traumatizing emotional abuse that killed my entire social life and my abuser would make sure i couldn't form these bonds when i wanted to. As soon as I got out of that -> covid lockdown. When the pandemic restrictions were lifted I've spent 7 years at that point pretty much socially isolated aside from online contacts. And in the past 3 years I've been busy healing, studying, adulting and picking up the pieces.

It's been almost a decade now in which I didn't have a stable social life (aside from my relatives) and everyone else has always looked at me with this... weird pity for it. I had a lot of anxiety due to being ace as well; because i didn't feel like i could find that close committed relationship i wanted without engaging in sexual activity. People imagined the past decade in my life as me sitting on the couch all day wallowing in self-pity and loneliness, which honestly does such a disservice to all the places I visited, the ways in which i've grown, the art i made and the changes i made. People treated me like I had wasted 10 years of my life and constantly put pressure on me to be more social, to put myself into situations i wasn't comfortable with or to at least get a partner so I won't have to die alone. Dying alone was this terrible horror concept that was pushed onto me as my inevitable fate if i didn't get my shit together. And for the longest time I believed that. I hardly struggled with loneliness, I struggled with this internalized idea that I had failed at life - that i am a failure - if i don't have this many irl friends or a partner.

The aro community was THE FIRST SPACE that helped me dismantle this perspective of seeing the relationships in my life as an extension of myself. The first space that taught me that relationships of any kind aren't these things i have to collect to prove I've led a successful life. The first community that turned around and said "You are whole as you are. You are enough. And you don't need anyone else to complete you." And hearing that, to me, was such a wake-up call; it was such a novelty-realization in contrast to all the bullshit i had internalized, that I cried because damn, this was what I needed to hear.

Suddenly the value of my life wasn't defined by the kind of relationships and how many relationships I filled it with. Suddenly I realized that the committed relationship I wanted didn't have to be romantic (or sexual for that matter); hell, I didn't even want it to be. Suddenly I realized the biggest obstacle to enjoying life for me was all the people who told me i wasn't enjoying my life properly. The aro community taught me so much about love, self-worth and independence. And I haven't been active here for long but everyone has been so kind.

The aro community gave me all the hope and positivity that i needed to focus on myself and my life. I still want to form meaningful irl friendships and get a QPR in the future but the pressure is gone to get all of that asap or else my time on this earth is wasted. I have faith that these things will come when I'm ready and when it's the right time and even if they don't, it's not going to be the end of the world. My value as a person and the success of my life is not defined by the people in it and it never will be. Nor will yours. Nor will anyone's.

Some of y'all might be out here asking yourselves "I'm not aro, what does the aromantic community concern me?" So much. Amatonormativity and relationship hierarchy go so much deeper than just the assumption that everyone desires romantic love. The aromantic community can teach us so much and help us unlearn so many things that are ingrained into our system and into our way of thinking. We should be unlearning those things because doing so will take pressure away from all of us, no matter how we identify. The aromantic community should concern you because they're people with their own hopes and dreams who deserve to find happiness in whatever way feels right for them without the world constantly telling them they're doing it wrong.

The aromantic community has made me a more understanding, hopeful, positive and independent person and I can't thank them enough for that. Happy Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week.

🧡💛🤍🩵💙

#aromantic #aroace #aromantic spectrum #aro week #frayromantic #aromantism #aro #aromantic community

[etherealdiva]

Astro Observations: Solar Returns

Source: Predictive Astrology the eagle and the lark by Bernadette Brady

Aspect Edition: 2022

☀️Neptune- ascendant: changing your personality from how you’re seen from the outside perspective. This happens usually by an unfortunate event or when traveling to escape. Ending the image that you present to the world.

-how it manifested for me: my mom passed away this year and I feel I lost my identity and am just dissolving my upbeat positive personality that everyone saw me as happy go lucky. I feel my humor is darker and I just resonate more with despair and darkness even though in general I’m still a positive person. It’s like life is whooping my ass but I’m still smiling lol.

☀️Neptune- sun: confused about your role in life, wanting to escape and travel.

- how it manifested for me: I feel absolutely lost in life because of everything I’ve lost this year (my full time job as well) and I had identified myself as that role. I’m sometimes conflicted with my role in the astrology world as well. Anything in the esoteric because I feel I’m living a life in the 3D and then another life somewhere else (online actually). I don’t feel I fit in anywhere with people but I can mesh well with others. Also, I’m dying to travel and start a new life. I wanna travel internationally.

☀️Uranus- MC: expect a sudden change in your job/career and your social status. For better or worse.

- how it manifested for me: my company laid me and 109 employees off 🙃 I guess I’m not suppose to be there 😅

☀️Saturn- Uranus: frustrated because achieving your goals is a slow progress.

- how it manifested for me: I’m so impatient cause it feels like everything is so damn slow. I have goals I wanna reach but it feels like I have to work even harder. Normally with my fitness goals I’ve had great luck and maybe it��s because I’m not as strict as I was before. I still think for the most part I look good with my body but I was at my fittest in 2019. I was also frustrated cause I worked hard and I wanted a raise and then we all got laid off so now I gotta start over.

☀️Saturn- moon: feeling of loneliness and wanting to isolate. Feeling like no one supports you.

- how it manifested for me: I moved to another state all by myself. Despite it being a busy and social city, I felt alone and wanting to isolate myself. I felt like I met people but couldn’t make connections 🥲

☀️Saturn- ascendant: being seen as more responsible and mature. Being as an authority.

- How it manifested for me: despite my Leo rising mannerisms and how I get along very well the youngins, I feel my piscean old soul def came out more. Also much more responsible especially since I lived on my own.

☀️Uranus- moon: events occurring so fast that you don’t have time to process them or react. Being free of your emotions.

- How it manifested for me: so much happened this year that I don’t think I processed my moms death, losing my job, being dumped and also moving away. I know it happened but like I think I reacted for a bit and then moved on to distract. I’m in therapy which is nice but yeah. Also could be that my moon is in Taurus in the 12th house so I feel much more emotionally stable but also repressed cause I still don’t believe it or I do but I’m like idk…it happened?? Weird?? I’m dreaming right?

☀️Uranus- sun: wanting to be free and re-classify yourself

- how it manifested for me: literally moved away because I felt trapped at home. I was more open about my love for astrology in my new city than I am in my hometown.

☀️Neptune- North Node: finding your spiritual path and a group/your “tribe” that’s in the category of the healing arts and esoteric. Diving into the metaphysical which pushes forward the person into a new life direction

- how it manifested for me: met you all in the Astro tumblr community 🥹🥺❤️ also dug deeper into astrology! I’ve studied it since 2018 but I went 💯 on it this gear. I also have a 9th house stellium in Aquarius in my SR.

☀️Pluto-Venus: intense fated connection with an intimate relationship or an emotional ending of one.

Note: Pluto represents mother figures and family members and people connected with death & dying.

- how it manifested for me: I did meet a man and he has a Gemini rising and Taurus moon in the 12th in his natal. My SR is Gemini rising and Taurus moon in the 12th. He impacted me greatly and how I viewed men. He was great and I’m grateful for him 💛

2021: significant events

☀️Neptune- Venus: illusions in romantic relationships. Love life could be wonderful or will leave you to deal with the harsh truth after it’s ended. Could possibly be conned.

- how it manifested for me: met a guy who is an Aquarius rising (my ascendant sign was Aquarius that year also) and when we dated I felt happy when being with him. But he ghosted (then he came back again and ghosted again) and I had to face the harsh reality of that. I’m sadly still recovering but I’ve made a lot of healing progress! I just know better now.

☀️Uranus- ascendant: changes to a persons life such as name and physical body. A huge drive for change/freedom.

- how it manifested for me: I got cosmetic surgery 😅 but I love it 🥰

I love astrology 💛 enjoy!

#astrology #astrology tumblr #astrology notes #astro community #zodiac #astrology observations #astrology101 #astro #astrologer #solar return #solar return placements #aspects in astrology #astrological aspects

[mysticmellowlove]

I am EXPENSIVE that’s why the idea of being dependent or submissive to a man never made sense to me among the other reason that I am just assertive and dominant(but still feminine) in nature. Anyway- it made me think of Bowens skid mark ass self when he said “I get you all to myself and you live happily.” Does that imply that he wants us to stay at home or what because ain’t NO WAY.

What ever he thinks he is going to make with his little Forensic diploma is not going to cut it for me. If you triple no QUADRUPLE!! The highest salary for a forensic detective it still will not come close to satisfy me. I’m not even saying that to be greedy that is just like a fact. I gotta save the world and the oceans need more money than $137k a year to help clean them among the many other projects.

Anyway I digress- reader just lowkey shaming this man like: “ You say I’ll be happy but you’re broke, not my type, look like you will develop a hunchback at 40, have a weird personality and not the good kind, and probably have a skinny dick. So absolutely not.”

note; roast his ass anon, get him!

warnings; manipulation, bowen lol, sub yan, fem reader, death mention, gn pronouns

Bowen would just stand there with his mouth shut, a weirdly strict look on his face as he listens to you talk about your big ideas and future avenues. However, he is a massive asshole and will definitely sabotage either you (more on this later) or others to make sure he ends up with you.

(he also doesn't care about your shaming, he'd just take it in stride. Or he'd be super into it and will set himself out to prove you wrong.)

It's either 'Oh no, your competitors have suddenly lost all their funding.' or 'We should pool our funds together to help out, also let's do a backyard fundraiser or something!'

However, if that doesn't work for you, ie you really need the money and he simply doesn't match up, he will steal or get into other ventures involving... services.

Let's not kid ourselves, Bowen is a hundred per cent the type of yandere that doesn't isolate opponents and freeze them from your affection. No, this man simply kills them and moves on. Surely other people need a hitman, and he knows about the aftermath so he's perfect for the job.

He will definitely steal the belongings of the person he killed just to get some extra cash as well.

On the other hand, if he gets his way and lives with you he'll be super supportive. Has posters of awareness all over the office he's in, chats up his coworkers about your humanitarian efforts, (basically begs to be involved in some of the marine life ventures because seriously who doesn't love sharks and shit) and always attends your seminars.

If push comes to shove then he'd definitely move to more isolated and online work. He doesn't want to give up his job so he knows how it feels to want to be active in life. He would never pull a fast one on you and ask you to quit. However, he will try and relocate you elsewhere if your workplaces simply don't match up.

"Love there's a really nice office space in the next city over, we can pool our money and set up a base of operations for you." or "I can definitely transfer offices, so make sure there's space in the new house for all these files."

Anon, there is just simply no way you'll get him to leave you alone!

(and if every option he has is exhausted... well there's nothing more romantic than dying in each other's arms)

#love for anon #sub male #dom reader #ask #drabble #sub yandere #yandere male #oc bowen #fem reader

[transguysuggestions]

Hi! How do I feel less bad about my body as a fat transguy?

(Esp pre and post testosterone/surgeries)

Been sitting on this one for a little bit because well, I'm a pre-everything fat trans guy. And I struggle a lot with the same thing, often. But here's what I've found works best for me.

1. Look at pictures of other guys that have a similar body type to you, especially those who are happy and living their best lives.

How do you feel about these guys? Generally positive, or at least neutrally I'd assume. I'm personally attracted to guys, so I see them with a very positive outlook. Remember that these guys are similar to you- as bad as you might feel, you see these guys as valid and worthy, maybe even attractive if you swing that way. You look like them too. Or, if they're post T and you're not, you WILL look like them. Goals, as they say.

2. If you can't start with body positivity, start with body neutrality.

Others have said it better, but if you can't bring yourself to believe that your body is handsome, incredible, wonderful, or whatever other description you want to strive for, start smaller. Your body takes you from place to place. Your body is what people hug when they want to hug you. Your hands are what you use to do your hobby of choice. Adapt to your personal situation, and work up to body positivity over time.

3. Consider your body a customization project

This one's a little weird. Yes, absolutely your body is perfect as is. But most of us, throughout our lives, are going to have a body that changes. Be it from transitioning, body modification, general wear and tear, your body will change over time, and from the day you were born has become a museum to a lived life. I have found embracing the idea of body customization has done wonders for my self esteem. These things can be temporary, like dyed hair or body paint or makeup if you're so inclined, or more permanent, like tattoos, piercings, and medical transition if that's available to you. I find it easier to love a work in progress than an empty canvas, and that's made the wait for medical transition far more bearable, and has let me love my pre-everything body a lot more.

If you can't/don't want to do tattoos, piercings, makeup/body paint or other similar things, consider something less drastic. I started lifting heavy shit around my apartment in an attempt to get stronger, and seeing that my body is able to do that now gives me great satisfaction when I can use that skill to help around the house, or at work. Plus, this one is more typically considered "masculine", so gender moment.

4. Get fatphobia out of your life.

Society at large is hostile to fat people, especially those of us who are otherwise marginalized, like by being transgender. Surround yourself with people who fight back against that, or who celebrate fat bodies like they deserve to be celebrated. Work on any internalized fatphobia you might have- because you're worthy of love and appreciation at any size.

5. Spend time with other fat trans guys, both online and irl if you can.

We have wildly varrying lives, varrying life stories, and skillets. But we all have something to offer in our community, and we shouldn't isolate ourselves. Trans masculinity is beautiful. Trans bodies as a whole are beautiful. Fat bodies are beautiful. And all that's easier to see when you're around people that are like you. Thin, white, late teens early 20-something trans boys are not the normal, just one flavor of guy to exist with the most visibility. Your body isn't an outlier, just part of the massive spectrum of guys out there. And you deserve to be appreciated and celebrated for that.

-

I hope this was of some help to you, and maybe to others. It was a little hard to get my thoughts together, since I struggle with this problem myself. I'm lucky enough that I live with and love other fat transmasc people who are very vocal about their love for myself and my body, and have helped me form a healthier relationship with my body. But I know not everyone is lucky enough to be in that situation, so that's my advice.

Take care of yourself ❤️

#transgender #trans positive #trans guy #fat positvity #fatphobia #trans #anonymous

[failurefemmegf]

Vent of something I've had on my mind lately. Any advice is welcome.

tw: discussion of sex and sexuality, sexual trauma, kink

I don't have a healthy relationship with sex. Maybe I've never had, and maybe no one does.

First things first, I am in my early-mid twenties, and I am a virgin. The only shame I find in being a virgin is the shame that's be instilled in me by society. I am also sexually attracted to women.

I have been sexualized and exposed to sexuality from a very young age. I have unclear memories of CSA, along with some very strange memories with my sister when we were children. I won't go into detail on those.

I went through puberty earlier compared to my peers and developed breasts earlier than my peers. This lead to comments from the boys in my classes and body image issues I still struggle with, including gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. When I attempted to vent my struggles online to women who I though could help me, I was instead sexualized and predated on by men, the attention of which I welcomed because I was a young, barely-teen girl.

I exposed myself to porn and misogynistic content against women from my early teens onwards. Kink, especially hard kink in fiction/fanfiction like rape, age gaps and pedophilia, and incest became a major part of my life from my teen years onwards. I was fascinated by these topics, and that fascination was encouraged by my peers. I engaged and consumed roleplay, fanfiction, and hentai on a daily basis. The entire basis of my sexuality seemed to be sculpted around sexual violence, and I feel lucky that I was never taken advantage of during this time.

I continued to be sexualized and pursued by men, especially my male friends since I struggled to make female friends (autism + niche interests + mental health issues). I welcomed male attention but I hated waiting for their attraction to become overt. I liked being pursued, hated being caught. Eventually this culminated in me being severely sexually harassed by one male friend in college, white-knighted by another male friend who proceeded to isolate me away from everyone else int he friend group, and then both of them dropped me when they realized I wasn't going to fuck them. I became actively suicidal and agoraphobic during that final semester of college, and fell back into fiction and hard kink to escape.

Now that I've become much more critical of the content I consume, and have begun to explore my sexuality as a lesbian, I find myself so lost. Any depictions of sex, especially sex with men, make me uncomfortable. I refuse to watch live-action porn for good reason, and drawn porn/hentai seems so alien to me now. I can't read erotica, as I find most erotica male-centric, whether that be because it's meant for straight women, or it's lesbian erotica written by men. And I can't fantasize anything because I don't knwo what a healthy sexual relationship looks like, and I'm so dissociated from my own body I can't imagine myself as a sexual being with agency.

I do crave intimacy. I just don't know what it looks like. I can't even imagine what it looks like. I cna't even talk about sex or pleasure without feeling a gnawing sense of guilt and shame. I feel like I went from drowning to dying of thirst (ha).

I don't know where to go from here.

#sex negativity #sex repulsed #erotophobia #sex positivity #sex critical #kink critical #radfem #feminism #sexuality #lesbian #intimacy

[rtnortherly]

| Forewarning: I was struck by the need to talk art and life a little. It’s meandering. Some might think it cheesy, or whatever. Do with that what you will. |

It’s super easy to get down on yourself and your place in life. For everyone, of course, but in this instance I’m speaking from the perspective of an artist—specifically an artist online at a time when online is pretty damn hostile to artists.

There’s a lot going on. It feels like social media platforms are crashing down around our ears, draining reach and therefor business. As a person really quite new to using social media I don’t have enough perspective to tell if this is just how it always is either. It seems from what I can tell it’s much worse than it used to be. On top of that, there are a plethora of exploitative services being shoved at us from the (hopefully) dying nft trend, to AI and ML services violently pillaging the internet for data and years of effort and creativity. And amidst it all artists face the usual troubles—anything from being told to charge less, to being told to get a real career to make money, to being mocked and bullied for their artistic journey, to being told what to draw.

All this while we try to struggle through the internal conflicts artists tend to come up against—is our art good enough? How can I be better? Why am I not doing better? Is it me? Is it my art? The constant effort of not comparing ourselves to our peers, of not comparing ourselves to where we want to be or think we should be.

It’s a lot.

And I can not offer any answers on how to handle all that. I’m still figuring it out for myself. The typical answers are to simply not compare yourself to anything. To not mind the numbers. Which. Is all very well and good, and also true. It’s just not as easy as it sounds, especially if the success of your business or your ability to make a living involves minding the numbers at least a little, if looking at the art of others helps you grow but leaves a window for self doubt. There’s ways to face that in a healthy manner, of course. I read a text post from someone awhile back that suggested you should learn from what other artists do differently in their art, but not internalize the difference in success (worded much better, of course). I saw what they were saying, and it was actually very encouraging. I’d like to be able to quote it directly, since I think it was genuinely good advice. Alas I only have my flawed memory.

Either way, everyone is going to have times where their determination wavers a little and they find themselves caught up in feelings of discouragement and doubt. No one can maintain perfect surety and resolve all the time.

Times like those I like to celebrate how far I’ve come. Sometimes if I look at my current art in isolation, I see only where it lacks. But when I look back at my old art, I feel pride for how much work I’ve done to grow as much as I have. Pride that I stood where I did then, because I couldn’t stand where I do now without that. Pride for every step along the way that has taken me as far as I’ve gone. Pride for knowing that there’ll be a time in the future where I’ve continued to grow passed what I can imagine at this point.

And above it all I feel fondness. Fondness for the kid who found an old fantasy “How To” drawing book in their school library when they were nine that told them they could create worlds. That they could tell stories and bring them to life. I feel fondness because slowly but surely I’m getting there. I am there. I remember the first orc I drew, before I even really knew what an orc was. I remember thinking it was maybe the coolest thing I’d ever done. And now I look at my art and I wish I could show it to nine year old me and say thank you. Because if it wasn’t for that drawing—no more than pencil on lined paper or construction paper— I would not have the art I have now. And I know nine year old me would be so excited to see where that took me.

Above is a drawing I did in February 2021 (left) and a drawing I completed in June 2023 (right). I love both. Clearly I’ve learned much in the last two and a half years. But that doesn’t mean the first one is bad. There’s things I’d change about it now, never mind that it was meant to be for a comic, and the other is intended to be a painting that I can sell someday as a print which have very different requirements. I think the biggest thing I’ve learned is how to experiment. How to look at the world and try translating what I see to how I’d go about drawing it. In the first, for example, I had no idea how to approach drawing shallow running water, so I didn’t. I picked a colour, and tried adding some splashing water. In the second I’d learned a lot about how far a textured brush and a glow layer of some kind will take you 😂 But I wasn’t as intimidated. I trusted myself and all the art I’d created up until then to help support me in getting close to what I wanted to achieve. And now both pieces will be my fuel and my foundation.

Anyway. Recently I was struggling with all of this. It comes in waves semi frequently, and usually on the other side I find a way to be happy and to be gentle with myself. However it makes me contemplative. I like to talk about my art and my journey. I’ll probably do so many millions of times and I doubt there’ll be much variation. But it’s nice to do these little self check-ins. To celebrate myself. To celebrate all my hard work.

To remember first of all: Trust the process. In life and in art.

And second of all: we all deserve to be proud of ourselves. There are no conditions for that. Be proud. Be pleased. Delight in yourself. It doesn’t matter where in your journey you are. It doesn’t matter what art is in your portfolio. As a person, you have worth. Period. There are no other qualifications.

#art #digital art #my art #fantasy art #artists on tumblr #text post #out here getting sentimental #I dunno if any of this is helpful to anyone #but it’s helpful to me #and if anyone wanted to share something they are proud of I’d be happy to celebrate with them #we need all the support we can get these days 😂

[myadhdsays]

So I’ve been doing this thing where I stop trying to be the initiator of plans with friends. Like yes I will occasionally have a small get together for some type of holiday or event but other than that I’ve mostly stopped asking people if they want to hang out with me. Well you know what happened? 99% of my friends (which is already a small circle) have not attempted to make plans with me. Like ok I know we are all busy, we are still in a pandemic, and I’m a depressed bitch who almost never leaves her house but DAMN I’d like to be invited to things! Like I get that I maybe won’t get along with your “group” because I am a neurodivergent weirdo who can read peoples intentions easily, but if you’re friends with me isn’t there a chance that I might be able to be friends with your friends??? I think for a while I convinced myself that it was me actively hiding but it’s not. It’s me not being the one to make the plans so no plans happen… I’ve been so fucking depressed and so fucking lonely. Talking with people online is fun and I do chat with these friends online too but it feels like no one wants to hang out with me. I see them posting all these lunches, meet ups, get togethers and I just don’t have a group like that I guess. Anyone who I would consider my friend group actually has their own friend group that I am not in. Another factor of course is that some of my friends live far away and I don’t expect to see them so it’s cool. But I do have some folks who are local or close to local yet still I only see them if I am the one to make the plans. I’m not saying I would actually attend all these lunches and events but fucking hell I wouldn’t mind being invited occasionally. And I’m sitting here like I think they know “invite your depressed friends even if they might not come” but none of them fucking do it for me and it hurts ngl. Maybe I’ve framed myself as the one on one friend because that’s my preference but just to be invited and have the option would mean so fucking much to me. Because i work from home I have very few reasons to leave my house and tbh I wouldn’t mind knowing there are other chances. Like even if on the day of or day before they were like “hey going to lunch today/tomorrow would you wanna meet up with me & with (insert name of person I don’t know but I know my friend is friends with)?” I might be busy or too depressed or too overwhelmed; but I might also be dying to get out of the house for a couple hours. So yea if I’m honest with myself my feelings are hurt and I feel like I don’t have friends like 90% of the time. My husband is my best friend and we hang out all the time which I adore. But he is literally the only person who makes plans with me and that’s just fucking sad. My friends who live near don’t even have kids (I don’t either) and they still don’t make time for me unless I’m the one asking them to. I’ll probably beat myself up about this later and tell myself not to act like a victim and I have to make my own life happen. But I’m in my feelings right now and thinking about this I’m just hurt. I have thought about making new friends but at this point I have to work more on my anxiety before I can make friends with a total stranger that I have no mutual friends with. I know I isolate myself but no one fucking tries to hang out with me so I also feel like I’m just being isolated by others. I’m 100% sure this is related to my adhd and my potential asd is some way and it fucking sucks.

#friendship #friendships #adhd friendly #asd friendly #late diagnosed adhd #neurospicy #mental health #adhd #actually neurodiverse #isolation #depression #anxiety #everyone hates me #i have no friends

[cornfield-doe]

I think, that every person has some level of being interesting. However, not everyone really is, and that's not bad, especially when social media increases that expectation by a lot.

But there's some other side where someone is genuinely... Hm...

:/

Boring? I'm not talking about conventional boring where someone is highly quiet and uncharismatic or likes something usually very boring in a boring way, like taxes I guess.

I'm talking about people who have a very unoriginal aura around them, generic tastes (I'm not saying liking popular things is inherently generic or bad or something, I'm getting to the point), suspiciously normal, shallow, likeable for 90% of the population or more; i think I'm getting to some territory closer to generic tik tok dances, beauty so commercial that someone ends up looking boring again, things that feel like they lack a lot of identity or personal taste.

I think there is some sort of problem, when your interests fall within the popular umbrella, not necessarily generic, it is all normal, but going a little to the side is often considered weird, catering to a small amount of people, even if they turn out to be almost equally popular in their demographic. People that look at you with some sort of "ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ" face when mentioning those things, unintentionally making you feel something a but hurtful. I think I'm not articulating this well, but I'm still trying to get to the point.

Like middle aged people that deem anything slightly dark as demonic or satanic right away, or people often claiming to be "normal" and being proud about it. Ithink the average person has some weird interest in there. Or at least very specific, but when thinking of big amounts we only think of gentrified people, and anything else as "weird", like, not necessarily a creepy weird, or deviant weird, but we rarely think of it as interesting weird.

Something along what I'm trying to say is that i think there is a problem where it is becoming harder for people to have a personal taste with a sense of identity of yourself. Way too much things are highly commercialized. I'm not saying the alt teenager with dyed hair and pronouns doesn't have an identity, personal experiences that define their taste, or weird/specific interests. It's more like, going online, and instead of finding community and a way to express yourself through being emo/alt/punk you find a bunch of memes about doing that but also being mentally ill and you're not even coping well, and I don't think there is a strong sense of identity coming from that, i felt like I had to be sad to have something interesting on me and I didn't look at myself in the mirror for 2 years and isolated and ended up depressed because I had no way of knowing me though me or through others.

I realized that what I'm trying to say, apart from things becoming worse and generic when highly commercialized is the idea of normal being used similarly to white, like white supremacists; hold up, i think I'm just trying to describe the basics of Nazism and white supremacy and how that's obviously bad.

I accidentally ended up trying to describe Nazism 101.

#i really suck at articulating things this long #but I'm glad i tried #I'm tired and I'm sleepy #text

[heavenlykittens]

THE GIRL WHO MOCKED DEATH

climbing out of the shower, trying not to slip on the tiles as my hair rains water

once it dries halfway i put it in pigtail braids but i stare in the mirror and long for my blonde hair as i put on serums and moisturizers, sprays and balms

i no longer feel like myself even if this is my so called natural hair, i’ve been bleaching it since i was 14 - i can’t believe i’m 26. i feel old. i know older people will laugh but god, i do

being blonde was part of me

my facebook memories mock me with photos where i was thinner, ice blonde, surrounded by friends, not isolated

i barely intend to have online friends anymore, it’s too difficult to trust anybody, about anything. i see you.

but fuck i know my life is amusing (as long as you’re not the one living it)

i ready myself to fall asleep with my only aids, seroquel and king of the hill

i watch my yankee game with my everything/ my partner, lover, other half, life… just missing that ring but fuck it

we’ll marry in court soon, maybe i’ll wear a fancy looking dress, maybe i’ll wear in lingerie disguised as pajamas, who even cares anymore?

but i don’t want to be no kurt and courtney, layne and demri

i desire to live / decided that after my third overdose out of six

i used to think dying would be so simple but i don’t want it i don’t i don’t, it’s peaceful, it is, but i have so much left to do

but it’s so traumatic watching success search for you, find you, family aware you exist, and the only reason my father gives a shit is he’s a tax cheat and i’m the only one who can reveal it - and why shouldn’t i after all he’s taken from me?

the man who terrorized me my whole life and claimed me as a defendant when giving me 200 bucks for my birthday is as if i’ve asked him to give me his credit card and told me to do what i want with it

but i was never a defendant, i’ve never lived with him in my life, never spend more than two nights since i was a child (and poor little me used to beg and sob and throw tantrums not to go, playing sick and sobbing, but still i went just to be screamed at and slapped around)

he made sure i lost every stimulus check i deserved because of his false dependent claim, he promised to give me the money, he didn’t, i could’ve guessed that easily

never dependent on a man who fucked my mother on a staircase of a methadone detox, where it’s a known fact that women are more fertile while coming off heroin- couldn’t even wear a condom

i feel like gum stuck to the bottom of a very expensive shoe owned by someone on wall street, red wine spilled on a white blouse at a pricy dinner party, i’m the red lipstick left smudged on a wealthy man’s collar for his wife to flip out at when he gets home to their townhouse, Louboutons which stepped in shit

I fancied myself an artist, a writer, a poet, a creator of… something

but i’m just a person, wasting the best years of my life and wasting any small talent I had

reading advanced books in second grade is meaningless now of course

my third grade teacher who made me cry in front of my whole class - i’d bring in shirt novels i wrote when i was nine years old - over 100 pages each - and she always said “i can’t wait to see you on the times best sellers list!” she was so serious

I believed such a fairy tale that I was special, but instead I found myself writing pathetic poetry over some variety of males - who am I though?

my complete lack of self esteem and self awareness, lack of knowing my own personal sloth, and always left wondering about all the personalities I stitched together from other incredible, cool, gorgeous, fascinating people, to make… me…

Im both Frankenstein and his Monster

borderline what, borderline what, borderline of what and what? I can’t help but wonder why self medication is so frowned upon i’ve been prescribed dozens of medications and they can’t on a scale of how they made me feel:

1. no feeling or change

2. maybe a little change

3. feeling like im dying or want to die

4. definitely wanting to die

5. no emotions at all

the normalization of homelessness is terrifying too. medication and homelessness. and if you don’t behave, throw you in the psych hospital where they don’t help you at all!

I see these drawings of animals and humans living in harmony, enjoying the outdoors, tea, snacks, loving each other’s company -

but land is money, shelter is money, everything is goddamn money

nepotism disgusts me

some of us will never advance

im nothing special but sometimes I feel a flutter inside me telling me that I’M NOT A NOBODY

nobody is a nobody, really?

my stitches need to come out and I have had nightmares of my skin falling apart and being stitched back together in emergency rooms long before I stabbed myself

I used to not care about dying, not at all, but now i’ve realized…

God, do I want to live, to kiss my soon to be husband, to kiss my cat, kiss my cat, kiss all the animals, create things I love, to feel beautiful

to LIVE, to fucking LIVE

i’m not a stranger, but i’m ink rubbing down the page, claws in my skin, freckles kissed by angels

you and me and an orange cat, a family, yes, that’s a family

a goddamn family!

I want to keep growing, I deserve to keep growing, growth, enlightenment…

maybe I could be a best seller, but I’d be happy just to know anyone read my poetry, maybe related, maybe found themselves in it… maybe felt empowered

I want to feel all the emotions

I do daily

but I want it to be warm, I want it to be wisdom

I want that hug from inside

I want to evolve.

#writings #excuse typos i type this up from my journal

[watery-pancake]

Hospital 5

I remember, since I was a little girl, since the first time I was in the hospital, craving a new presence. Even the first time I texted him, being able to text someone while landing in the ER once more, I felt this sense of comfort. He may not understand what it's like to be a frequent flyer at the hospital or the doctor's, but it felt comforting. Even before dating, texting him jokes and such. It was nice.

Yesterday, once more, I was in the hospital. Lack of food, dehydration, and the flu was a hellish combination. I could barely think. He offered to visit and I declined out of fear he would be turned away. Once I found out he could, I extended the offer, expecting him to say it's too far and go home. It was expected to rain after all, at the time he knew that already. Even if he thought my mother would be there, he still came. His first thought was to visit me and make sure I'm okay. Even after the heavy conversation the night before, he came for me when I was at my lowest. I always isolate myself when I'm sick. Like a cat, I prepare to die in solitude. We ate dry turkey sandwiches in a nearby lounge, and he waited with me until my mom arrived. I wanted to stay longer with him, but I could already feel the painkillers wearing off quickly.

Even with his phone dying, he had his charger. He waited with me. I hate people seeing me when I'm ill. It makes me feel weak, to expose my vulnerable self. I guess that's why I've spent so long offline and keeping my online presence so quiet. I hate talking about my feelings unless in a space I feel truly unjudged and comfortable.

He came all that way for me, not knowing if he would have to watch me from afar or not.

I don't know how I'm meant to feel. I've never had someone do this for me. It feels warm.

[lone-wolf-no-more]

Life is Like a Box of Legos...You Build with What You Get

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

Another moment that was a painful today. Selling my Legos. 30 plus years of memories in that box, and some lucky guy on Facebook Marketplace bought it off me for a song.

I mean, I don’t want to ruminate on it. Yes, I can buy more Legos...someday. But...no. I have to fight that thought. The VERY reason those little plastic bricks had any significance to me was the people behind those memories. That’s it. If anything, one has to sometimes do painful things in order to grow and move forward.

I’ve often found that when I am around loving people, doing the things that truly matter to me, that truly fulfill me, that the things I have to give up (more like, the process of putting the past behind me) isn’t anywhere near as hard or painful. Which plays into what I’ve been thinking about technology, and my relationship with it, and my connections with people online.

The loss of the past only feels as painful as my sense of lack of hope and optimism for the here and now, and the future. I hold onto the past, because it seems so ideal, so much better than what I have in the here and now. And we as humans hold onto those symbols of the past, as if they were they themselves contain the past and the times we reminisce over. We forget, once again, it’s about the people around those memories that made them what they are. Not merely some pile of plastic bricks, or a house with four walls, or even a yard with some trees and basketball net.

And the believe that the only reason that thinking about putting technology and “online relationships” to the sidelines is such a painful proposition to me, is because it’s by and large made up a huge part of my reality. My sense of the “outside world” and everything else has largely come through a screen.

Even as a child, I remember that while I welcomed the times of meeting other people, of doing group activities, of playing with the neighborhood kids (good ol’ 90’s vibes all around), I would often find myself being drawn to being isolated, while staring at a screen. I have too many memories of myself choosing to avoid social interaction, and instead flying that virtual helicopter, commanding that fake army, or trying to keep Mario dying for the 100th time. I see now that those patterns of being very sensitive and a bit socially inept in new situations, together with a past history of being misjudged as a young man, have really conflicted with my ability to just not care if people see things different than I do, to just be comfortable in my own skin, and not care so much about how I measure up to others’ standards.

To this day, whenever I’m around when a disagreement or misunderstanding happens (whether it be online, and especially, in person), I get so incredibly uncomfortable. I don’t want to say the wrong thing and make things worse, and then end up blaming myself. I do realize that part of that also stems from me having schisms, so to speak, between myself and others, and having them dislike or distance themselves from me. I guess you could say I’m always wondering, “Oh no, did I do or say something wrong yet again?”

Circling back to what I was saying, I do think too much of my childhood was me avoiding living real life, even though I did “allow myself” to live it at times, and those ended up forming some of the best memories. But then I’m constantly asking myself this question: “To what end?” To what end was my frolicking, my Lego building, my escapism, my fort building, whatever it may have been? Yes, I know, I must be more kind and forgiving to my “former self”, but I 100% know that I didn’t grow up fast enough. Back to what I was saying several posts ago, there must be that child-like wonder and playfulness, but it should be tempered with a very real sense of living “real life”. To me, that means showing kindness and sacrifice to others in your words and actions.

I may only be 32, but I still have more than enough regret that I lived too much of my life selfishly. The childhood escapism stretched into my teens and twenties. It wasn’t uncommon for me to leave home on my bicycle, and spend hours at the local library. That very well may have been the “ideal drug” for me at the time. I was able to waste hours on YouTube and elsewhere (hello, NewGrounds and MiniClip), while still not feeling entirely isolated.

But I lost track of the times I would go home, be alone even more with the videos I downloaded and took back with me, or the DVDs, or the freeware video games I had hunted down, and then go to sleep feeling worse. And then waking up, dreading the next day. I honestly don’t know what’s worse: biking long quiet stretches in the countryside just to be alone more, or being alone in suburbia, where you feel so closed in and stifled.

It’s a strange dichotomy. You hate being alone, to the point that it can outright crush you, but then you feel ill at ease around others, because you feel that you have nothing to offer, like life is more than just going from one gathering to the next, it’s more than just filling up your time with learning knowledge.

Again, truly living to me, is making everywhere you go better, maybe even just that room you’re in right now. Truly living is exploring and discovering life, and the world, together with others, it’s about building things and growing together in the real world. Because life spent alone with listlessness and regret is a horrible thing.

So, what are my biggest struggles right now? Simply forgiving my past self, and putting the past behind me, namely the past I had not even 5 years ago. And then beyond that, looking ahead to the future with optimism and hope, deciding that I can and MUST make decisions that will lead me to seeing my life as fulfilling and purposeful, and rejecting the stuff that just simply doesn’t help towards that end. Yeah, I get that this still seems like an abstract idea.

But circling back to what I was saying about technology, in this day and age, it is increasingly easy to try to replace that emptiness in our hears with more podcasts, more videos, more Discord servers full of people who we will probably won’t see face to face.

If the answer was technology, why are we less happy now, less fulfilled than we used to be before the internet and the age of smartphones helped crush our child-like sense of awe, of creativity, of hope, of optimism?

It’s time for me and whomever reads this to do some deep soul searching. Because at the end of the day, when I finish the novel I’m reading right now, Captain Nemo and Professor Aronnax will have parted ways with me, and they will remain fictional characters. This isn’t me saying fictional books are bad. No, especially since they help to foster those very things I listed above. What I’m saying is that it’s time for me to stop substituting escapism and vicarious living for accomplish great things in the real world.

I know quite clearly that I just basically had you drag an anvil through mud there. Hopefully this served some good purpose, and the next entry will reflect more of that hope and joy I so clearly desire.

Until the next entry, todaloo. :)

^This is to help temper the more serious nature of this post. Handel's music (especially the piece this movement is from) has been precious to me ever since my family bought a CD with it when I was 7.

#Youtube

[insteadofsinking]

Where do I even start?

When it comes to my mother I feel like I am what remains of a long forgotten tug of war rope. I am knotted in the middle and purposeful only when she deems it so. Just when I think she is finally done with me she pulls me out and centers me in a conflict I didn’t make and that I can’t resolve.

I can’t believe you when you say you are sorry for “the way somethings were.” For decades for have been overdrawn in your account of empty apologies. I don’t need YOUR regrets. Flattery is futile but you try.

I don’t prescribe to your “common enemy” tactic for forging relationships. I don’t care that you are upset with my sister. I don’t need reasons to not like her, I have enough. I am not interested in the details of your daughter-in- law’s treatment schedule. I am not interested in their dysfunctional relationships or the shortcoming of their offspring.

It is staggering how you can know so very little about me but still prey upon my aspirations to be a good person. The kind of person that does the right thing even if it is hard or if it hurts a little.

I hear the uncertainty in your voice when you tell me about Steve. I hear your fears of losing him and of being alone. I feel sad too but I don’t tell you I already know. I can’t stand to acknowledge the existence of suffering. I just wasn’t made for that. I don’t like to hear the struggle in your voice to speak.

Then you tell me that you have a neurodegenerative disorder that began as a small tremor in one hand and is now very visible in both hands. I learned online that this means the degeneration has crossed the midline of the brain and now can hamper, weaken and decrease function in both hemispheres of the body. I understanding that you still have more testing that needs done but degenerative diseases of the brain march on at an unpredictable and unprescribed pace. A person could lose the ability to feed them selves in a matter of weeks but years later not be able to swallow solid food.

In this moment, I can’t decide if I am mourning the mother I didn’t have or mourning the inevitable lose of the woman before me. I don’t have much to say. I have learned with you the best way to end an uncomfortable conversation is to just shut down. I just sit there saying nothing but panicking on the inside. Then you say, “You are the most caring person in the world to everyone but your family. You would help a literal stranger before your own family.”

I keep biting my tongue. Decades of hurt and anger are bubbling to the surface, but I force myself to say nothing. What she said is true but people in my family don’t/ won’t/ can’t be functioning and supportive people. I could be kind to them but the cost is hurtful and unnecessary for all involved. I am guilty of learning to have and having boundaries. I am the culprit of my own isolation from them. I picked this so I am mad at myself when I think of her dying from a slow but steady progression of losing executive function and self care skills.

She is right, I would help anyone. I am a good person. I do care about and for people. This knowledge brings tears to my eyes. I spend the rest of the day laying in my bed crying and wondering how to navigate this situation.

Am I a terrible person for not trying to have a relationship with my mother?

Haven’t I been kicked enough?

Why should I spend my time and tears on someone that still enjoys hurting my feelings?

Am I every bit as bad as she is if I stay away?

I can’t decide who needs the relationship and if it is worth the pain to try to be a comfort or at the least an advocate for her as this disease progresses.

I have cried an ocean of tears because of her, wished on a galaxy worth of stars for a mom and felt a life time of heartbreak dealt to me by her. I hate the things she has said and done but she is my mother. Unfortunately, a long list of offenses and mountains of hurt feelings don’t seem to strip away the innate desire to try to get this woman to love me. I know she can not change. I know any form of relationship with her will hurt me.

[kikithedetective]

I think about dying from time to time but I usually just chalk it up to the curiosities of the coming day appearing in my head. Today was different though. I thought about cutting myself and even envisioned myself doing it. I thought about what it would be like if I shoved a spoon in my eye randomly and even imagined what it would look like till the spoon entered. I felt my skin crawl when I thought about them. This has never happened before

I guess it’s because I’m letting the isolation get to me. I can’t talk to my best friend much anymore because he’s busy with school and trying to get things in order to move out of his parents home. I don’t blame him for wanting to focus on that and I’m happy he has a goal. It’s everyone else though. The people at my job find ways to make my already depressing job more aggravating. I get yelled at by a manager for daring to ask why I’m being told about a catering order 30 minutes before they arrive. I deal with servers that come into my area when I’m already struggling trying to keep up with the surprisingly large amounts of fried chicken and fried turkey that gets sold and they complain to me and ask me to make something they could easily have made in the time it took them to stand there and wait for me to actually be able to make it. I’m the only one at my position because somehow, even after nearly 3 years, my job can’t seem to hire anyone who’ll stay longer than 2 days and it seems like they’ve just given up on thinking about getting me help. 

And then there’s my other “friends” which never reply as much as they used to, even when I know they aren’t busy. I have conversations going and I can clearly see they’re online and suddenly they don’t respond for the rest of the day. And that’s if the conversation even started. Sometimes I message them and I don’t get a response till the next day and it’s always at like 5 AM or sometime after 12 PM and before 6 PM. I can’t even talk to them about happy things which I know they won’t get annoyed at. Whenever I mention that I’m sad, it’s like I’m on the back burner. I told one of those “friends” that I was feeling inadequate and though they said nice things then, the next day and the day after, they gave me a handful of one word responses and then claimed that I said I was suicidal, which I didn’t, and that it made them feel bad so I felt bad for making them feel bad so I let them know I wouldn’t talk to them till they were feeling better. Five days later and they acted like nothing happened.

I’m not suicidal, but the self harm thoughts are new

#vent

[antsscareme]

there’s a void in me and idk how to fill it. each time i think i’ve figured it out, it just gets bigger and bigger. i think it’s been growing since i got into high school. at first, just being sad was enough for me. but it started to not feel like enough, so i tried letting myself be even sadder but it didn’t work and honestly made it worse. so i tried isolating myself from the world and it was good enough for the moment. i was online all the time. i played this online game, i made online friend and basically ignored the rest of the world. why? because it was fucking shit. my friends didn’t like me my parents (no offence mum) were borderline neglecting me and my brother. i mean i know it’s not totally their fault, they were doing uni. but they had just divorced, grandad had died and we were just left alone. i was alone. all i had was my online friends and my online life. so i consumed myself with it. it WAS my life. honestly i don’t really think it filled the void but it definitely distracted me from it. which at the time i thought was great. but now i know that ignoring an issue isn’t going to make it go away. it’ll just make it stronger, bigger. eventually my friendship situation got a lot worse. so did things with my dad, that’s a whole other story though, and i couldn’t take it anymore. so i left. i ran. i moved with my mum for a year and was homeschooled. i started to realise there that i had adhd so that was a struggle. the void also started to feel a lot stronger then. i needed a way to fill it so i did so by gaming. i couldn’t play many games but i had a laptop by now and i could play some games. it was enough. then we moved back. it was hard because it felt like all the bad feelings i had there were looming around the area. and we literally lived in the same house my dad was in before. so that didn’t help. i got more into gaming. and part of filling the void was watching series and movies. all. the. time. then something happened. the void was getting smaller. i was starting to feel good. i was working and on medication. it was really great. i think it was the first time in a very long time i felt hopeful. but nothing lasts forever. it went away. no it was more like i lost it. my grasp on it i let go. the void was back and it was worse than ever. i really felt it. before i didn’t know what i was doing. i didn’t realise that pit in my stomach that i felt and filled was a void. i thought it was just apart of my weirdness (again another story). but i knew now. it was like something that’s so obvious but you don’t realise it, and then you feel dumb after for not seeing it. i still played games to fill it but i also started filling it with relationships. not the people specifically but with doing it in general. i sent nudes, flirted with a bunch of boys. and for ones that stuck around long enough i’d start planning lives in my head with them. this was simply just feeding the void i thought it was filling it but. not really. then i tried weed for the first time and it fucked me up. in the moment i was like fuck what the hell am i dying i passed out and shit and i thought yeah never doing that again. but then afterwards i felt so fucking good. it was exactly the rush and reward i needed to fill the void. so i kept doing it. and i also kept doing shit with people online. i didn’t smoke a lot. maybe once a month but that was enough then. but then i wanted to do it more and more. and then i met the love of my life. didn’t realise it yet and i actually hated him at first. i also was in a relationship with this guy i thought i was in love with. i definitely loved him but. idk he was kinda fucked anyways. when we broke up bora was really there for me. then one night he said something. i won’t say what but it was hot. later he told me he’s liked me for a while but didn’t do anything about it because i had a partner. we’ve been talking ever since and i’m so in love with him. i didn’t mean for him to but he partly fills the void. which feels fucking dangerous but fuck it. i’ve also been smoking a lot more weed.(1)