#i once told my therapist that i dont know how to be loved if im not being used and he cried | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

noirleo · 10 months

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leo has spent his entire life curating an image for himself. the Leader with the plan, who always knows the right thing to do, who always has the exact words his brothers need to hear at just the right time. a firm hand to guide, an ear to listen, a voice to inspire hope.

even when he stumbles, it’s controlled. quiet in such a way that not even his brothers, who share a roof and food and clothes and blood, realize it. leo doesn’t fall apart, he can’t, because the foundation that crumbles brings down the entire house.

maybe it’s your outsider perspective that gives you insight. you see it in the way he doesn’t bother to wrap his still-bleeding knuckles after hours in the dojo, silently sliding over the last slice of pizza to his orange-clad baby brother, forgoing fun nighttime outings in exchange for more training, suddenly excusing himself from conversations of harrowing night patrols so that no one can see the hiccup in his breathing growing and growing until the memories threatens to engulf him.

the way he rejects himself over and over is so familiar, a mirror reflection that moves in time with your own movements, and oh, it hurts to see it. but you do it anyway because you have never met someone more worth looking at than him.

maybe he sees it in you too—or maybe he just needs something, someone, to notice him, even if he would rather die than admit it. but eventually, he allows you to silently bandage his bleeding knuckles and kiss the spaces between his fingers until their trembling ceases and the shudder of his breathing quiets. when you find him pacing at night, restlessly walking between his brothers bedrooms, he stops resisting you as you gently pull him back to bed and drown out his racing thoughts with the sound of your own rhythmic heartbeat.

you don’t fix him, you wouldn’t dream of it because you love him and loving isn’t the same as fixing—but you kiss his scars with as much tenderness as his lips, and something in him heals each time.

he confesses to you one sleepless night under a hazy new york sky that he doesn’t know the difference between being loved and being used.

i don’t either, you admit. but i would like to learn.

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rewrentless · 2 years

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#its 2am i have work tomorrow time to be sad about my gender #ive been volunteering at this place a couple days a week for the past month and a half and i havent come out to them yet #i really fucking need to cause i cant stand it i hate being called she or girl if its not my family and i cant do anything about that yet #but its fucing scary theyre taking me on for placement and to hopefully hire me after what if they dont accept me or are shitty about it #i mean i literally told two of them that im gay and trans but i dont know if they were actually paying attention or not #and i told them that wren is my chosen name but not why #my therapist recommended emailing my manager and getting her to tell them but my mum is handling my emails to her and thats too awkward #i also really want to go on t cause im so sick of being misgendered by strangers especially when i think i look masc #like ive been thinking about for years but theres the fear of looking too masc or that itll be equally shitty to be misgendered as a man #also puttinh it off cause id need my mum to help me with the form cause its confusing and wordy #i just want to live as wren #i dont want to be living in the shadow of my deadname #i dont want to ever hear that name targeted towards me ever again but out of my family only my parents call me wren #cause my grandparents dont understand and i only ever see my aunts and cousins in their house so i cant be wren to them either #i absolutely love my grandparents so it fucks me up that i can only fully be myself after they die #even then one of my aunts is incredibly transphobic and i doubt the other is much better #love that this all started cause i was clearing out my wardrobe and got upset at how many of my shirts and dress emphasize my chest or hips #i never realise how much dysphoria i experience till i try my binder on once in a blue moon and nearly cry with euphoria #im gonna see if i can tell at least one of my coworkers my pronouns tomorrow

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sunwarmed-ash · 24 days

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Soft asks <3

2, 4, 8, 12, 21, 22, 25

A lot of numbers at once I know, but it feels too much, feel free to drop some out. I hope you're okay and take care. <3

*hugs you tight* love you always!

2. what's your feel good movie?

omg haha if I just need to laugh and feel better Cat in the Hat or Shrek. Dreamworks made some BANGERS in 2001/02 If I wanna be nostalgie The Breakfast Club

4. what flower would you like to be given

crocus and hyacinth are my all time favs 😍😍

8. tag feel good people

holy shit thats everyone I interact with on this site!!! @disdaidal @tentoriumcerebelli @sweeteatercat @treeffles @heiko-goes-detroit @eevylynn @criminalizeheterosexuality @spaceofentropy @advictoriams @lizzy0305 @geekinglikeaboss @irishbeings @destroya2005 @bluejaythebirdie @tehpandajunk @meiko333 @p3ski @writerwhowritesao3 @brightside-of-the-upsidedown @cuddle---buddy @negative-citadel @pushbuttonkitty @half-oz-eddie @glass-noodle @glxyqst @suzuki-notsonormal @covenscribe @youweremovingyourfeet @thediktatortot @late-to-the-party-81 @moviemuncherao3 @raouelle @kissoflightning @a-lovely-craziness @tradedsymmetry @sophsun1 @m-y--p-a-s-s-i-o-n-s @squooshybrainmeats @lunar-years @nymphartistt @houndstoothjacket @strangebrainrot @ihni @cheekybrassmonkey @blackroseraven2023 @gracegrove @shieldofiron @irishbeings +++++++++

lol my therapist last week told me I have alot of friends I was like OH BUDDY YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THE HALF OF IT

12. how are you?

OOF OKAY BABE. ummm, alright, all things considered. Going though family stuff and the weather is making me sad, but im better than I have been and working to continue forward 💙

21. If you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

sticking around is worth it because you get to finally customize your body instead of just NPCs

22. what would you say to your future self?

Hmm.. introspective I like it, I don't know. Maybe, be proud of how far we've come.

25. what's the best personal gift someone could give you.

Your time. whether that's saying hi, making fan art, leaving a comment on my fics, sending me asks, etc I love it all. I love that you took time out of YOUR day for me. That's the fucking coolest 💙

soft boi asks

#max asks #ash asks #max answers #ash answers

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soggywert · 2 years

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Top Gun: Maverick hcs that live in my head rent free (based off of imos and me and my life) Pt 4

you heard it here and now folks, it’s part 4! I have more commitment to this series than to my homework. yall are lucky af

- mav can and will flirt with anyone in any given situation; he will give petnames out the more the other reacts (cyclone getting pressed being called honey)

- maverick has a favourite spoon he always uses to eat breakfast with. it is patterned, and is from the last set he received from his parents before they passed. it means a lot to him, so if you use it, he’ll state: ‘that’s my spoon’ and then proceed to stare at you for the rest of the day. only ice knows this. everyone else just comments on not to use that spoon or else.

- the spoon has made him superstitious, so if he cannot use it for breakfast (when he does have breakfast...) it instantly means that he will have a shit day.

- maverick is usually a black coffee guy. straight black coffee. most mornings? just that. sometimes a proper meal if ice or roos nags enough, but mainly just coffee. ice has either an iced coffee (wow aren’t i original) or a latte.

- maverick, after showers, uses his towel to do his hair up to dry it quicker. his hair is too short for that, but he’s been doing to long enough that it’s too awkward to tell him that it won’t work it’s also just funny to see him walk out of a door with a towel wrapped around his head like if he had just come from a salon

- phoenix is everyone's best friend. if you don’t like her; you’re a walking target and that one is on you. she’s a fucking queen and y’all can’t tell me different.

- phoenix is also a great therapist friend, though, sometimes you gotta just give her a hug so she’s reminded that you’re just as there for her as she is you.

- hangman has dyslexia, but is too good at masking it until it comes to writing reports on paper. it’s his worst nightmare, so he usually gets help from rooster by saying what he is thinking and rooster helps write down the important parts for hangman to write on his own

- iceman is a sucker for romance novels and picks up random quotes in them to write on a piece of paper for mav to find, read and collect (based off of a hc @justmiilo made with our ocs)

- mav loves animals; he will be at a party and only hang out with the pet there; he will be dragged around by ice or goose to meet people, before departing back to the pet - loves dogs frfr

- ice is a cat person ice has said: “honestly i am more of a cat boy” the rest of the juniors trying not to cackle: youre a cat boy??

- rooster got mav high once and gave him a flipping heart attack (not actually) mav: bradley is this how im supposed to be feeling i dont know if ive hit right rooster: chill man just relax, youre gonna give yourself a heart attack mav, now really panicking: im gonna have a heart attack???? rooster: no thats not what i- mav: UN-HIGH ME RIGHT NOW BRADLEY PLEA-

- Mav is banned from most public spaces especially train stations. very specific, but he’s made it a thing that he has to get banned from as many stations as possible

- ice and mav cuddling includes mav squaring up to be the big spoon but then melting in ice’s arms when he gets to be little spoon

- mav loves captain jack harkness from doctor who/ torchwood

- hangman complains about when he kisses rooster, his moustache gets in the way, but secretly, he doesnt mind it

- ice took mav to a wine couple art class (based off of the idea that ice can draw from my other hcs) and mav drank the wine while ice did the art

- mav helped bob get out of his comfort zone, to start not wearing a shirt around the beach (based off of the trans!mav and trans!bob hcs) so now they go visit the beach together sometimes to help grow each others confidence (like if mav needs anymore). theyve both had top surgery so

- goose has had a soccer phase, and would make the crew go into teams of two after volleyball to kick the ball around. he loved playing attack, so he could be in the front seat of the action for once.

- mav joined in, but was soon told to just stay in his teams box, because he would run all the way across the field to tackle the ball off of someone yes, soccer doesn’t allow tackling, but mav never got the message in his head, so they just added it to their games. mav then proceeded to become the most tackled person there.

- slider and ice are the biggest supporters of one anothers careers; they see each other like brothers so much it is crazy.

- mav and slider ride their bikes together (slider has a harley)

- ice usually goes out collecting either a drunk slider or a drunk mav off the side of the road

- THIS IS A POPULAR ONE BUT HC THAT ICE RARELY EVER GETS SICK, SO WHEN HE DOES IT TAKES EVERYONE BY SURPRISE - MAV ALSO GETS SICK OFTEN, BUT ITS NEVER THAT BIG. WHEN ITS MORE SERIOUS, EVERYONE IS ONTO HIM TO TRY LOOKING AFTER HIMSELF

- mav teaches the team MA fighting. he dared cyclone to go into a match with him; ends up cyclone is a secret MA fighting genius and mav got his ass beat. the whole team watched.

- cyclone and mav are close from just having to deal with each other. mav giving cyclone headaches, while cyclone gives mavs lectures brought them together. they share a beer here and there at a local bar when they can

- mav hates the city. like, really hates it. over stimulates from it hard.

- mav has ocd; those instrusive thoughts can sometimes be hard for him to control, which can sometimes explain why he does some erratic moves. he never got diagnosed about it till later in life.

- mav and commitment issues follow him everywhere for everything

- when hangman and rooster are exploring areas to carve their initials into around the base, they find mavs and ices old ones (yes, multiple) hidden behind a few desks

- ice dyes his hair to be bleach blonde; it’s actually a golden blonde but he hates it, so he makes it bleach blonde. mav likes his hair either way, but makes fun of ice when he dyes his hair. ice doesnt take kindly to this one day, mav was asleep and woke up with bleached highlights to his hair from ice. he wore a cap everywhere for months

(Part 4/?)

hope you enjoyed these head cannons! i want to do some more when i have the time, but for now, i might try drawing some of these out :)

got any suggestions? leave them down in the comments below! thank you for supporting the series so far!

start here at part 1!: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/hangman-puzzlesolver/692152151697473536?source=share

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shuxiii · 7 months

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Shu, I hate how accurate your haeyn playlist is, and if I had to dissect each song, they’d fit haeyn in so many ways.

About you by the 1975— the line that goes “ there was something about you that now i cant remember its the same damn thing that made my heart surrender “ yn falling for hae 🥹

Waiting room by Phoebe bridgers— god where do i start the line “ and i can wish all that i want, but it wont bring us together. Plus i know whatever, happens to me i know its for the better “ hae no its not for the better if you end things pls

Last kiss by taylor swift— this song is sick and TWISTED really like the line that goes “ you told me you loved me so why did you go away? “ AND “ im not much for dancing, but for you, i did “ 😭 yn dancing with hae because she knew hae wanted to experience dancing w someone HUHU

Iris by the goo goo dolls— this song screams mhiy!hae pov “ and I dont want the world to see me cause i dont think that they’d understand, when everything’s made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am “ huhu when hae told yn that she felt like herself whenever she was w yn because all this time she always changed herself to reach peoples expectations because she knows noone would like her real self and yn made her feel like herself for once (🥹)

Somebody else by the 1975— this is so self explanatory “ you’re intertwining your soul with somebody else “

The only exception by paramore— you’re so sick shu why are you like this “ Im content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth risk but you are the only exception “

Hello…….. are you mentally okay do you need me to book you a session w my therapist.. seems like you need it more than I do.. 😨

#ure making me insane

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hearts4robs · 3 months

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Hello~!

I've never done a match up event before! But knew I had to try once I saw it was open cause your writing is absolutely precious!

For Fandom, I guess DC! Love Batfam family chaos! Makes me want to curl up with a blanket and watch them bicker and roughhouse until Alfred comes in with a feather duster, looking equal parts disappointed and amused.

I'm a 5'3 18 year old asexual panromatic. (Yes, im just a baby, though i have been told-more like my therapist often told me that i dont act my age, saying i act like Im 30. Still trying to figure out if I should be offended by that.) With long hair that's completely grown out red box dye like little mermaid red, my roots being somehow not quite brown not quite ginger and just not blonde enough to be strawberry blonde. My appearance is fairly round and cute even if my expression is often RB. My eyes are a green that appears to be more of a dark grey.

To sum up my personality in one word would be cat like. Sometimes I'm docile and actually a bit of a doormat. In new environments, I tend to shadow some I know and can't find myself able to stand up for myself. This is probably ties into my selective mutism and social anxiety. Sometimes, when I'm in a familiar environment, I tend to be more aggressive for better or for worse. I love a good argument and debate, standing firm in my decision even if I'm wrong. That stubbornness has gotten me in trouble quite a few times. Though cause of it, I've thought of becoming a lawyer. When I'm not arguing I'm drawing, or painting on my walls which I've done far too many times now.

I'm very much a homebody who rather stay in pjs but perfect date wise would probably be a bit of a classic nerd/bookworm date of going to a cute book store and getting lost in the deep wooden bookshelves flicking through various of books catching my eye. Maybe debating on what book is better or whatever trope is more interesting in a detective novel. (I love murder mystery, horror, thrillers, romances of all types, and absolutely despise shakespeare. I was told Romeo and Juliet was a tragic romance. Liars they all are all I can see is the making of a really creepy stalker movie. I can't watch horror movies funny little contradiction, right?) Personally I'd probably write something after the date. I always get inspired by going out and always find myself hunched over my laptop writing whatever inspired me have it be the moment or a movie. I don't know how many times I've watched a movie and got inspired just to spend hours writing whatever fanfic about it. Which can be either amazing or terrible cause I'm an okay writer with a preference for angst due to my dark humor.

I never realized how hard it was to pick an ideal type until just now lol. I guess my type is someone who would enjoy talking/debating/discussing with me, someone fun who loves to do new activities as ive never really do much and is willing to listen to me ramble about whatever hyperfixation. Bucket list kind of things or be able to stay in and talk about their day while I cook some food. (One of my love languages is food. I want to be full and content.) I'm a homebody who has more of a traditional mindset due to my upbringing. So staying home and activities at home would probably be more common. Oh! A bit more open minded or at leasr able to deal with my curiosity, I love discussing religions and culture practices (im unfortunately like the whitest of whites. My dad's side is a bit of a classic white racist). I'm a pagan with some more Wiccan practices, yes crystals and candles. We put holly near our front door and hang cinnamon brooms throughout the house to bring good fortune.

Trope is also a hard pick. I like a good enemies to lovers or a revenge story but romance wise probably a childhood friends (or friends to lovers) idea. Just the idea of your partner being someone who was your friend since you were a tot and chasing butterflies, picking dandelions to blow them into the wind. Someone who has looked at you like your the center of their world while you pull them through the park. Even though they have no idea what lo6ge is truly is. Just kind of melts my heart, and will probably give me cavities from the fluff.

Ahh hopefully I did this right! Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes. Hope you have a blessed day, and something amazing happens to you soon <3

𝐓𝐢𝐦 𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐤𝐞: 𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐞-𝐨𝐮𝐭

“I’m back!” Tim exclaims out into the open hallway as he pushes the door closed with his foot. There were multiple white, thin plastic bags in Tim’s hands, his keys dangling from one of his fingers.

You raise your head from the book in your lap, leaning forward to catch a glimpse of your boyfriend as he shimmied his way out of his shoes.

“Hi, honey.” You smile at him as he walks to the coffee table in front of you, setting down the bags of different take-out.

“Alright.” Tim sighs with a grin, his chest heaving a bit quicker, like he was a bit out of breath.

“What’s all this?” You ask, reaching over and pulling some of the thin plastic away from the food. “Smells amazing, no doubt but-“

“Well, you said you wanted to taste the world.” Tim says, a giddy smile on his lips as he plops down onto the couch beside you with a sigh. “So I brought it to you.”

You smile at him before snorting out a chuckle.

“Fuck you.” You say, and Tim simply smiles before grabbing a small box of thai food, handing it to you, giving you a chance to get the first bite.

“You’re welcome.” He says, nuzzling a small kiss to the softness of your cheek.

Headcanons:

Tim and you have annual movie nights. Every Friday night. Very simple, very easy. You have a joint letterbox account where you leave brutally honest reviews and you both analyse that shit like your life depends on it.

When you guys moved into your shared apartment, Tim dedicated one of the walls of your living room for you to paint and draw on. Needed more space? He’ll paint it over with whatever background colour you need.

You guys have a small chalk board on your fridge. It was used as a small shopping list at first, like writing up stuff like ‘ran outta eggs and cucumber’, but it quickly ended up in Tim leaving you cute notes and reminders for when he was gone on patrol.

Tim doesn’t always understand your asexuality, and he struggled to figure out how to relieve himself, but he figured out a solution and tries to turn the topic whenever someone discusses it to the point it makes you uncomfortable.

I hope you like this </3 it’s a bit late and honestly a little rushed but I’m trying😭🙏this also ISN’T proof-read so I’m so, so sorry if there’s mistakes☝️☹️

#★ robins match up event! ★#★ robins events ★#I’m just tapping atp #dc #dc x reader #sfw #tim drake x reader #Tim Drake x reader sfw #red Robin x reader #red robin dc

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maledistributionsystem · 2 months

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what do i do

Thank you for contacting the Male Distribution System Bark Line. Consider: Tell yourself your body is not inherently good or bad. You simply exist, and that's enough. Your message is in the queue...

Glad ya asked nonny, kick out a chair and sit down with me.

You wanna be a man? Look and see if your state has any doctors that do Informed Consent. Planned Parenthood is real nice about it, but not every location provides HRT services. Aht, hey, i aint done yet.

if you can't do informed consent, youre gonna have to find a therapist who'll write you a letter saying that you're fine to start HRT. Some good ones will do it the very first appointment, so look well for queer therapists.

Once you secure an appointment and talk to a doc, they'll want a blood panel from you and give you a packet to read and sign. This blood panel will only take a week to get to them (or even a day, depending on how your local medical services is set up.). Read that packet. it's got useful shit in it, even if you've done a lot of research already. Then the next appointment you gonna hand that packet in and get your script.

Your doc might ask you what method you want, or they might just start you on Intramuscular Shots (IM) with Testosterone Cypionate vials. A nurse will show you how to do your shot.

I dont like no needles though, i told my doc i wanted Subcutaneous shots (Sub-Q) because the needle is a lot smaller, and she let me do that.

You could also ask for Testosterone Patches (NOT reccommended if your skin is REMOTELY sensitive to medical adhesive.) or Testosterone Gel. Insurance doesn't like to cover these as much, so ymmv, but they do exist.

Shots are the cheapest way to do HRT, and i'd wager that without insurance coverage TGel is the most expensive.

Then, you gonna follow your nice doctors instructions on how much they want you to take and how often.

Now dont you be scared now, this is what you want, whether you really know it or not. Get someone to make the phonecalls for you and drive you around if you've gotta, but what you "do" is you gone become a man. yeah?

In the meantime, while you wait:

Take up a new sport. Talk and laugh with your friends. Buy a shelf and put it together by yourself. Cook for someone you love. Hold your head up when you walk and nod at strangers who you make accidental eye contact with. Jerk off and moan from your chest. Do some basic yoga stretches. Compliment someone. Research Minoxidil if you want facial hair fast, do not own a cat, and are genetically inclined to grow facial hair (hint: look at your dad/brother/first cousins to see if you'll grow facial hair.). Smile at some strangers little baby. Give the begging folk holding signs on streetcorners that random dollar in your wallet. Create art of some kind. Play your favourite video game for hours. Take a 3 hour bath with lavender epsom salt. Read a book.

Being a man is a lot of things. Start learning what your "things" are. There aint no rules for what they're allowed to be.

Now go open up a web browser or visit your local queer resource center to get started. You real brave for askin nonny, but is you brave enough to follow through? You gone buck up and and break your false shell?

#MDS Bark Line

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goremet-chef · 4 months

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my sibling???? told my family about my PRONOUNS??? and they dont hate me???????

i WISH people would shut the hell up!!!! i wish theyd be quiet i wish theyd KEEP IT TO THEMSELVES but no i guess my grandpa already knew because my mom told my relatives that a gender therapist groomed me into being transgender (lie), but my older sibling explained it better to both my grandpa and my aunt and they??

my aunt its not so surprising shes a bit of a hippie we are actually fairly similar like we both love love LOVE animals and all that so idk but i still got the vibe it wouldnt be okay but she says she loves and respect me? im more shocked about my GRANDPA cuz hes. i mean i just dont like him very much hes not a great person, but i guess they BOTH said theyd do their best?

its so... strange to imagine. i thought surely it was over and once i started HRT id have to like never see anyone again. i was okay with that, i was prepared for that. now i dont really know how to feel, like do they really get it? will i be subject to backwards jokes and will they say my name with love? or will they say it with a sneer? i dont know

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kulemii · 1 year

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i got really mad at myself because i felt like i was a shit writer since all i put out was smut and i felt like i was incapable of making anything else. i felt like i boxed myself in and didn't hone any reputable skills. i suck at describing shit. i dont know my characters. my mind felt so blocked up all the time. i know there are things that i put out that people seem to like but i feel like i'll never be able to top those things. my abandoned projects? 10-Nen for example, i was going through hell writing Fun & Games but i told myself that i was doing it for me. to try to get a good grasp on the way i write kiryu but no one would find it even if i did post it. so i did. and then the comments came. and OF COURSE they were flattering, i dont wanna diminish that but they made me hold what people like about my stories under a microscope and i tried to do more of that and once i started doing that, it all stopped coming to me

so i said i'd forget about what people say and go back to what i was doing before, writing to better my skills (or whatever i can call it) and yet nothing came to me. i was always worried that no matter how much effort i put into it, it wont be as good anymore, people wont like it anymore. and it stopped coming to me.

so i said forget about what people say, forget about getting better, write to understand the characters and the worlds i create for them. and then i felt every single thing i ever knew about them all dissolve before my eyes and every single character became a stranger to me. if i wrote in that state, it most definitely wont be good enough.

so i stopped. i told myself that i was done with writing. i would try to finish this one big project and sure, if i sporadically get the motivation to work on other things, i'd cross that bridge when i got there- but intentionally writing? i said that once doal was done, so was i. forget the wips. no more from me.

but then i stopped being able to work on doal because it no longer came to me. this was the one thing that i was working on that felt like it was going to be good. the one thing that i can do and i know for sure no one else would care enough to scale, but now i dont even have that.

i talked to my therapist a little while ago about these thoughts and she was pretty much like "you know what? you seem to operate on a scale of Good or Bad. in life but even your hobbies. what if you made decisions based on what you like instead of whether it's going to result in something good or bad. what if it wasnt so black and white? what if you just let yourself have fun. enjoy yourself?" that's basically the gist of what she said. i dont have a direct quote lol

since then I've been thinking about it on and off and im like damn, i stopped liking writing a long time ago. and it was because i always felt that nothing i could make would be good enough. but if i did just write to indulge in myself, to explore MY fantasies, to just have fun, maybe everything else will just fall into place?

for at least two and a half years, I've been lying to myself saying 'oh i write for me. that's why i dont take requests' but it wasnt true. when i was writing i was always thinking about if You Guys would like it and i was keeping parts of me out of my writing because i didnt think it was going be Good Enough for You. but im done with that. the truth is, i'll never know what you guys want. unless im opening the door for that dialogue but i dont take requests. i need to get back to thinking about me. writing for me. enjoying my craft for me and saying to myself 'if no one else likes it, fine because i love it.'

if, when i can do that, I'll go back to loving what i do. and everything else will come naturally. be it smut, fluff, a multi-chapter drama or even a fucking fake game that no one but me cares about.

i cant wait to get there

#kulemiirl #im not blaming anyone but myself here #what i say You i mean an audience i mean it as a general statement it could be anyone #please understand where im coming from and dont take that as an insult bc i never meant it that way

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campirebites · 1 year

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more medical garbage bitching dont mind me (feel free to blacklist camyellsOW to ignore these)

im liking being able to look back on these before other appointments

im currently on hold with my insurance because my rheumatologist listened to me and he wrote me a prescription for ring splints and I called around to physical therapy offices and found one that has hand therapy and can take my and my appointment is in less than 3 weeks which for PT in my area and PT as specific as this thats AMAZING holy shit. Its actually closer to two weeks than 3 but I feel like im doxxing myself if i say specifics lmao

so im calling my insurance company to see if they can tell me ahead of time if there are a fuckload of hoops im going to have to jump through in order to get my splints

for the first time ever I feel kind of hopeful about my joint health. Were doing a lyme disease blood panel to see if thats the source of my nausea, dizziness, fatigue, and headaches. He ordered a couple more things Im going to google

I told him that I know we need to do physical therapy first but eventually id love to talk to him about a wheelchair and he said no and I started crying again and he was like I think thats a bad idea let me tell you why and I was like NO thats internalized ableism and thats a YOU problem! Wheelchairs are mobility they are FREEDOM. I cannot currently lift enough laundry at once to fill the washer without subluxing my shoulder/collarbone so I have to take multiple trips and frequently have to sit down between trips but with a wheelchair Id have the freedom and capability to just do a load of laundry. I already cook having to sit down. You can have an amazing wonderful fulfillling life in wheelchair that you cant have when youre in bed every day because everything hurts so much. You can tell me not right now or maybe in the future but just a no is the most hopeless answer you can give me. That is a YOU problem.

and he like did a little head tilt like a dog and was like. You know what? Youre right. Thats something I need to reevaluate in my own head. So, youre right I wont tell you know, but Ill tell you first we need to try physical therapy

that fucking honesty is why I love him so much. He was like "you need a therapist" and i was like dude if you tell me that one more time im going to start crying again I KNOW

and I apologized and thanked him for dealing with my anger because i just angry cried at him basically the entire appointment and he just said Its okay, I know Im not who youre mad at. I wont take it personally and holy shit that was just the biggest load off of my back and I was like no youre right im literally just mad at my body. At one point he said "you know im empathetic, I bet it does hurt that bad." Like holy shit Dr G you are a king amongst doctors. He had knee surgery recently and I used it against him and he didnt even get mad. In my angry crying I was like you just had knee surgery. Sitting in bed wallowing in pain all day. It fucking sucks doesnt it? Imagine twenty five fucking YEARS of that! and he just nodded and digested that and was like yeah, I hear you.

This man is the best doctor in the world

at the very least im on my way to my ring splints which will help my quality of life SO fucking much holy shit

I also told him about the highly unprofessional cardiologist i saw who just told me I was fat and showed me his grandsons fortnite youtube channel and he was like wow literally what? and I was like I dont know man. And then he talked shit about cardiologists and how they tend to be fuckin weirdos with egos and i was like yo go off my shady king

but on the bright side in less than a week were placing that heart monitor and it will be recording for two weeks and hopefully after that i can obtain my POTS diagnosis and hopefully thatll put me one step closer to being an ambulatory wheelchair user. Id love to still be upright and use my cane when I can but a wheelchair for bad days would be lifechanging

my oldest childhood friend is able bodied the idea of being able to just get a coffee and walk around target with her pain free makes me want to cry THAT is a hopeful future

#camyellsOW #i keep almost doxxing his name cuz im like dr g my beloved #and i say that out loud cuz his name is fun #anyway that man is wonderful #im still upset and reeling from my appointment at this point reliving my pain telling it to people over and over and fielding their #responses as an autistic person is like boarderline retraumatizing #but i feel hopeful for once #PT here i come!! :)

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chemicalcarousel · 2 years

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is it normal for the host of a system to having attributed your headmates' behavior/thoughts/opinions/ect to yourself before you were made aware of your plurality?

and is it normal for other headmates to having confused themselves as being you, the host, in the past?

(gonna do a "keep reading" for the rest of it, since it became a long rant about my& struggle with our mental health)

ig it's because we just thought that was what being one person was idk we do be a lil stoopid lmao. like... i remember some episodes where levi was close to the front or fronting with me where we were well aware that there was a levi there (name and all), but we thought it was a delusion or we just brushed it off as if it never happened. then we identified as otherkin/fictionkin (since levi is an introject from a fictional source). levi thought he wasn't his own person and he still seems freaked out by the thought of existing and honestly i dont blame him since i find existing freaky too hxkfsfksxs

i thought one of the littles was me doing involuntary age regression as some sort of emotional flashback, but idk my therapist thinks she's a seperate part and ngl it makes more sense. she's much different, but probably based on young me and holds our trauma from that time. i'm personally emotionally distanced to the trauma mostly, but she's the one holding it. every therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist that have met her are extremely surprised how i change so drastically. and they have all commented on how im not in touch with my emotions when i describe my trauma very analytically. but then sometimes "i" start acting like a scared child. i cant control it in any way. i especially cant control my body language, my thoughts, my emotions, and my speech. and after the episode is over i definitely have emotional amnesia. it was a dissociated child part

also the child has a passive influence on me from positive triggers too and it's hard to control that. let's just say we have a lot of plushies lmao but idk they are very cute and the big ones are good for especially the littles to ground and soothe themselves. sometimes hugging one also helps when a little is upset inside of the body. we have a hard time reaching each other inside the headspace, it's like we are lost in an infinite void of darkness where we can sense each other faintly at times, but it's so hard to communicate. but i hugged a big, soft plushie once i felt a little crying and i kept repeating that we are safe and that she's not alone and that we love her. idk why the plushie hugging helped, but my theory is that she might have felt it through our body and hugging that plushie helps her. she didnt seem to be at the front at all, but idk maybe she could still feel it?? idk how this works, my therapist has been very hesitant to help us, even though she's the one who was like "yeah you are three different parts, i've observed them all" (havent told her about lee bc we are scared and he only fronts when we are alone and he can do some activities he likes)

TW // suicidal ideation mention

our therapist is a licenced psychiatrist and psychotherapist who is specialised in mood disorders (we have bipolar), so maybe that's why she's so bad at handling our case. she's like "it's hard to work with your trauma when you're either not in touch with it or you're triggered to the point of closing off from the world". bruh........ we're trying our best here, you're supposed to like.... know what to do. there's a reason that we are here, if we knew how to handle this we wouldn't need therapy wtf. sadly we barely have an income high enough to live off of since we aren't allowed to work yet due to our strong anxiety and s//cidal ideation. also we dont have the right disorders to get disability (only schizo-spec or bpd, denmark is so stupid istfg). hhh life is so hard and we are super split on having hope for the future or not

TW OVER // suicidal ideation mention

anyway, a question turned into a rant (yet again). ig it's because we literally have no one to talk to about this. sorry hhhhgggg

~ Sof (she/he/they)

#pluralgang #actuallyplural #actuallysystem #actuallymultiple #sysblr #pluralblr #headmates #host #system host #yo its sof #ours

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aquietsystem · 10 months

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Well this is a few days late (i forgot i had the account lmao) but i finally blocked my extended family. I blocked 5 relatives and it was incredibly difficult.

Idk if this is too personal, i dont think it is, but i may delete it later

I have my therapist and my family to thank for helping me to see that im allowed. My family is so supportive. I cried to ma aboht how i was feeling and she just held me and told me its ok, to block them. She asked if i need her to talk to my aunt for me, and usually i try to be the one to do that when needed but i had to say yes. I knew i couldnt, that if it were up to me to send the final message, id chicken out. Once it was sent i blocked them. Mom talked to dad, since its dads family not hers, not for permission or anything, but to let him know incase they say anything about it.

During my initial talk with ma, id mentioned a possible new split my therapist and i had discussed. I explained that it feels like i lost all sense of joy and happiness (info: im a very bubbly, hapoy, smiley person usually. I/we as a whole have a mindset of put more kindness into the world than we recieved), but the possible new alter (i say possible but shes literally left a video afmiting to being the one to cut our bangs) is exactly that. Shes bubbly, happy, giggly and smiley. And i told mom about her. Apparently she cried when talking to my dad and telling him that, she cried because ive been holding that in so long (specifically the fact that i couldnt be happy/giggly anymore (there was a gap when she was splitting between when i lost my ability to be as happy as i was and when she first fronted i think?) but was trying to pretend i was fine.

My dad came to my smokehole after and gave me a big speech about how even if nobody agreed with my decision to block them (they all do) my feelings would still be valid and id still be allowed to do it. About 5 mins later my youngest brother comes oht and tells me he loves me and that if i ever wanna talk hes there.

Later, my aunt had responded to my mom. She was defending uncle entirely, and it honestly seemed like to her the worst part of the situation was his agreeing to cheat. Which like yes, thats a problem, but respectfully theres a much larger problem with what he did. Anyways at that point, after reading her message, i decided i would send her one final message so hopefully she understanding the real meaning of his actions and the reall effect they had. It hurt, but was necessary. My other younger brother told her to "wake the fuck up or shes gonna lose her neices and nephews" i was proud

#brain soup #did system #dissociative identity disorder #osddid #trauma #therapy things #vent

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tealime9 · 11 months

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Animal death and grieving underneath

Long LONG post

My pet rat died today

Im.

I shed many tears. Im still holding some.

I had taken her to the vet and she stayed At night, she seemed better for a moment and I had Hope.

But as morning came, it was told to me how she wasnt doing só well.

Once I was able, I rushed out of work to see her. I could feel that she wasnt gonna make it.

For my great heartbreak, she died 30 minutes before I could 3ven leave work, The doctor meant to call me after work as I explained The night before I was coming out by 1 PM.

I.. Didnt get to see her before her Poor little heart gave out.

It made me Hurt, I couldnt do anything, I wanted to comfort her, tô be there for her.

And i couldnt. And this hurts. Much.

I talked with The vet, and got to know that At least she had a peaceful night, had yummy things to eat.

She loved her sunflower seeds.

She was one strange rat as she didnt want to socialize with other rats, became quite aggressive.

She was quite aggressive, when I met her.

Jabuticaba was someone else rat At first, a friend of mine.

named after a fruit because she had big bulged eyes that looked like jabuticabas.

I remember my friend warning me to either shove the fingers through her cage bcs if we hovered she would bite. And boy did she bite

I remember one time that I went and poked her in her big round butt, and how she turned slowly, smelled my finger, and in one small beat of steadiness... She bit the HELL out of me!

Gosh it bled so much.

But I dont know why, every time I went to see my friend I liked to see her and interact with her. She was cute, and she was alone in her cage even if it was because she would attack other rats.

Then I decided to live with my friends.

And so she came as well.

I loved to see her wobbly walking, shaking her big butt as she walked, it was so cute.

And I kept seeing her, I kept interacting with her, My friend L let me get her to walk around my room. And it was so great.

She feared me so much at the start, first time I tried to hold her she panicked and jumped out of my bed and hands to the floor. She scratched me on the way down, trying to make it less hurt to fall I suppose.

She hid so much and didnt walk that much, but then she grew used to me.

"It's only us here in this room, you dont have to worry anyone attacking you" I used to say.

And I remember that one time where I held her gently and said that, soothing her with a baby voice, she seemed to calm down.

She started to explore more, she started to walk more calmly on the room.

I remember my friend C (shes also a veterinarian.) saying to me that she was blind. Because she didn't react visually that well.

And I tried to always approach noisily at her. She recognized me because of my high-pitched sounds when calling out to her, it was so cute to see her suddenly turn in my direction.

I remember get a paper wrapping to play with her, making crinkly noises while going around the bed, and having her chase it and bite it. I tried that later because I did with my hand and well, guess who got a wound out of that?

She ate so much sunflower seeds. We had to stop because C said that she had sedimentation problems.

I didnt know what that meant but she is a veterinarian and she said that even after we went through the vet.

I didnt had much responsability as owner at that time, because I wasnt.

My friends said how I was Jabus therapist. Because after some time she stopped being so aggressive.

She had to take anxiety meds because she was an anxious mess and she was scratching herself.

...a lot like me and my dermatillomania now that I wonder.

And after she started taking her meds, I kept interacting with her and she got better indeed.

I like to say that I was her Naruto and she was my Sasuke. With a better ending, I guess.

But I basically bothered her so much she learned that humans are not gonna hurt her, she learned friendship with that haha.

After I started working I couldnt be much in the house first, so she could only be monitored by L. I still interacted with her but she hardly left her cage which made me sad but at the time, problems started to arise at home and I couldn't let her out.

We had problems at home, many things happened this last month and we had to split apart. It was an incredibly stressful situation and there's still finishing things to do.

Since Jabu had such a good relationship with me, we all decided that she would stay with me.

I moved back to my parents house last week, and I noticed how she was less energetic, and in fact, seem to be almost always breathing too hard.

She stopped drinking from her drinking thing, and I put a small bowl with water, and gave water to her with my finger so she could lick it.

As C said, she seemed to just hold on to rest when everything settled after the house fight.

I noticed she seem to eat less these days, and I was giving food to her by hand, which she took and always ate. But yesterday after coming from work I had the thought that maybe her day was coming, she was two years old and it was told to me that's the average lifespan of rats.

I then tried to let her get out a bit of her cage, and she walked a bit on my bed, it was cute. But she went straight back to her cage and she started to open her mouth as if she was trying to breathe.

I talked with C and she said it was best to take to the vet, and I went straight to it

I talked to her the whole way, I put her cage into the seat next to me with her cage, and she stayed in her hammock, turned to my side. The way her big bulged eyes stared at me the whole trip made my heart clench, and I talked to her the whole way, giving some pats to soothe her.

The vet talked to me, I explained the situation and changed the name of who was her owner BCS it was in C's name at the time.

I helped her to check on Jabu, holding her so she would feel at least comfortable knowing it was me that was with her.

she was such good girl.

After some assessment, the doctor said that she probably had heart disease and maybe liquid in her lungs. I didn't know how that was possible but it was needed to make an X-ray. She said it was possibly best if she stayed the night so if she needed they would give her oxygen and be in observation, because she feared she would have an heart attack if trying the x-ray that day.

a pretty bad situation the doctor told me. She might die.

I saw her one last time and petted her to bid her goodnight.

I went home and I prayed in my room. To who doesn't matter, Im not Christian, I just wanted to pray loud for something on the universe.

I have my head full of thoughts and they are all so unprompted, like lines of thoughts to have as options to how proceed with it.

I had the line of thought of prayer, to wish her to be okay.

the line that thought that she would indeed die, and I would get space in my room for other stuff.

The one that I had money if she didn't stay.

The one that I would pay everything I could to make her be okay.

I started my grieving process this night. I prayed, but I knew that if she did live today she might die the next day in the x-ray, if she didnt then maybe Monday they would remove the liquid if it indeed had it. And if she survived that, it would still be pretty close, because she was two years old.

I discovered she was actually three years old, and I was surprised and more worried.

I received news when I woke up, that she was better by night, ate and peed and pooped alright.

I had hope once more before I went to work.

And it came crashing down after I left work hurriedly.

I held her corpse and petted it and I had hollow in my mind, because it felt like a fluffy object.

I cried, I cried for an hour before my friend came to help me. I was saying for C and L what happened and they asked for updates.

I called them to say what happened.

C offered to come to be with me and I accepted. I knew she would know what to do, because I most definitely would NOT send her to be cremated.

I cried while waiting for her, I cried and cried and felt the bitter regret and hurt, because I couldn't give her a sunflower seed, I couldn't be there when she died.

I take comfort in trusting the doctor because C worked there and she knows they are all competent and caring, and I felt that as well. So I take comfort that while she was with strangers, she was treated very well, and the doctor even told me that she gave such yummy food for her, so I take comfort that she had something tasty to eat before she went.

Didnt hurt less. Still felt I didnt do enough for her.

C's parents were here because of some stuff and so they accompanied us when we went to bury her. They were gentle to me even if I have to hide my transness from them bcs they have a history of lgbtphobia.

But they were gentle to me, her father helped us dig the earth.

her mother told me stories of when a beloved dog of her died, how she said for her dog to go in peace because she saw him suffering, and he closed his eyes and went nearly same instant.

C helped me put her in the hammock she used before she died. we put rocks over so no animal would eat her if they dug that deep.

I put her in the hole, helped put the rocks and earth back in, we grabbed a broken brick that was there to mark where she was. I started to break twigs and put it around to mark it more.

C offered for me to eat ice cream with her and I accepted it. I just. asked for some time first.

I stayed behind, and I left the hollow feeling take me, and I did what I do when I'm overwhelmed with nothingness, and just. stayed singing.

I grabbed random thistle weeds and kept singing, put them together with tree grass, struggling to tie, but kept singing so my mind would be occupied.

I found where we dug. 6 feet from the border of a cemented part.

I arranged again the twigs, and I put the small bouquet over the brick, stared at it for a while, still singing for my feelings as they craved to get out and I couldn't handle crying more at that moment.

I left, and shared ice cream, laughs and pet C's animals.

... And here I am now. in my home, retelling Jabu stories while it's still fresh in my mind, so I can come back and read it sometime.

...

Goodbye, Jabuticaba. You were one lovely pet ret, and I hope you're having better times. Be it if there's nothing or if there are actual fields after death, I hope it's Peaceful.

Jabuticaba died 11/06/2023, died with 3 years, 2 months and 3 days.

One hell of a strong ratgirl.

#rant #vent #tw animal death #animal death #pet rat #digital diary #i guess #Jabuticaba #Jabu #jabu log #grief #idk #i'll want to search for this later.#photos

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schizopositivity · 1 year

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hello, very sorry for the essay this turned into, but how do I explain to the people in my life that knowing that my life isn’t easy right now isn’t harder than struggling with hallucinations?

I’m trying very hard to look at it from their perspectives because I don’t know what it’s like to watch a loved one hear voices. It’s just very confusing to be simultaneously told that my experience is difficult to understand and that they are so deeply empathetic towards my situation that they don’t want me to ever complain bc it makes them feel bad and all they want is to see me happy. But that just makes me feel like I’m not allowed to be anything but happy, which means I’m not allowed to be honest

Describing them this way is doing them a disservice. I know they mean well and that they respect me. but isn’t it also true that I’m allowed to want to feel supported and respected?

it’s just stressful to me when everyone is so so confused by me and my condition when I feel like I explain myself every single week and tell them precisely what to look up (which they do! They do look up anything I ask them to, it’s just that they then turn around and say that they’re spending hours doing research only to never visibly out those strategies into practice)

Maybe they’re just overwhelmed and/or feel like I’m trauma dumping on them bc my friends and family aren’t professionals. Should I apologize for that? it’s just very isolating when every time I’m honest about how I’m doing, they say that I should pursue professional help even though I am in therapy

I feel like this comes across as me having really unsupportive friends and family, but this is only the least flattering facet of the story and I don’t think I was terribly articulate about it either.

my goal is to maintain these relationships, but I’d like to improve them by communicating. I just don’t know what to say or even if this is fair to bring up. It sort of feels like in this situation is doing their best and everyone is failing a little. Any advice?

no need to apoligize! i appreciate asks no matter how long they are

i think it would be important for you to try and understand what support you need or want. like do you just want to be listened to with no advice? do you want them to try to do things to help you? do you want to be able to be honest and talk about the bad stuff without them telling you its hard for them?

because once you figure that out, you can tell them what you like

i think for me i like to open up to people and just have them listen and not try to give advice, that way i can just vent and let it all out, and not have to worry about them saying something they think is helpful, that really just upsets me, cause if people odnt understand they try to sum it up in the wrong way, or try to get you to look on the bright side, and i dont like either of those replies

thats great that youre in therapy, maybe if you notice what you like about therapy or how the therapist talks to you about things, you could ask them to do something similar, like i learned from therapy that i like to be told im safe when i start to panic, and my partner knows that so they tell me that when they notice me panicing

you could let them know that you talking about the bad stuff actually is helpful, and its worse to keep it bottled up inside, that you cant be happy all the time (no one can) and that you need to be able to express yourself to process and work through it

i know these people love and care about you, but if they dont understand its easy for them to say or do the wrong thing, that doesnt make them bad people just a little ignorant, but it also doesnt make you a bad person for not liking the things they say or do, its totally okay for you to ask for what you want or need from them, no one is bad here, there just needs to be some more honest communication

#answered

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aromanticle · 1 year

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i just got out of the shower and i have some thoughts to share about something that happened a few days ago

i went, with my sister, to see a psychiatrist. i didnt really want to do that cause deep down i just know that nothing a third party could ever do would truly help me in any way and the only person who can change the way i do things is myself, but that brief period i had with her actually did open my eyes. just not in a good way.

no one irl knows this but i actually have talked to a therapist online for a few months though one of those mental health related apps, a few times for free and i paid two dollars twice which actually ends up being not so cheap for me lol but i stopped because of something that was said to me. the person i talked to seemed to actually pay attention to what i said and she'd always tell me that the main problem i have in life in executive dysfunction which is very accurate. i dont actually know if the people the app provides are licensed or not and idk how trustworthy this all is but i actually feel like i had a positive experience with it for the most part. of course theres not much one can do when i only call them to talk about things that frustrate me and things i wish i could change about myself once every two weeks but at least i felt like there was someone out there who actually understands what i have to say.

my sister and i sat in front of a psychiatrist and told her we wish our mother actually gave a shit about us and did something to help her children have a better life instead of spending the day on her phone and guess what she said? "you cant change her, deal with it"

we were just around 10 minutes into our time together and my sister brought up concerns she had about me and she basically dismissed it completely, saying "but you dont have this trait" that someone would only know if they actually knew me when she had barely even talked to me at all. i always felt like i struggle with certain things that she said i have no problem with when she simply does not know me even a little bit at all. she just heard a couple things about me and assumed i am someone im not.

i said "i actually went back to school because i wanted to avoid trouble with my mom, not because i wanted to" and what she heard was "i loved going back to school". i said i used to want to be a literature professor and what she heard is "i like reading". my sister said i go to sleep too late (which is only partially correct) and she said "ok, i'll give you this so you can sleep"

i told her i gave up on the idea of being a teacher when i was 15 because i know how hard it would be to get there and thats not even what i want to do and she said "well this is a generation thing" like the reason i didn't pursue a goal i knew would lead me nowhere is because im a tiktok brained little gen z child that doesnt want to put effort into things that take time ???????? my dream is to star in a musical, i just dont have the means to do that. i know i dont. im never gonna have what i truly want so i can only chase after these smaller little things i could feasibly do but they dont last long. i know i'll never be happy as a teacher, not even as a literature professor, that's why im not gonna even try. i know this is gonna take years and im not even gonna be satisfied when i get there. im not gonna waste my time and money doing something i only kind of wanted to do, i shouldnt even have brought that up but we were talking about teaching and jobs and i thought it was appropriate to mention i once wanted to teach. not anymore.

i said i changed schools a lot. i liked the first school i went to, but my mom put me in a public school in third grade because well. it doesn't cost anything. but i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it. my mom then put me in a different school. i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it, but i knew if i said that to my mom she'd get mad. when i was in seventh grade my mom "threatened" to take me out of the school because of my grades and because i put no effort into my studies at all (because i hated going to school) so she put me back into a different school. i didnt like going there because i couldn't get used to it but i knew there was nowhere else for me to go. then i finally got to actually choose which school i was going to when i changed schools for the last time for high school. i went with a friend, so i assumed it would be easier. i hated going there. it was only at the end of my third year there that i thought "actually, i like this school. i wish i didnt change schools in third grade and stayed right here". and the psychiatrist said "you changed schools a lot so you clearly don't have a problem adapting to new environments". #girl you have talked to me for a grand total of 7 minutes.

i'm supposed to go back there and talk to her again in less than 30 days now and i am dreading the day i have to open my mouth and say a word to that woman again. i'd rather have my sister go alone or my mom or someone else and talk about me, i think i would be more helpful than if i go there and try to explain myself just for her to misunderstand everything i have to say.

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loop-deloo · 1 year

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15 Questions | 15 People

rules: answer the questions & then tag 15 people

thanks @deadgayfurrywizardsinthe70s for the tag :) sorry it took me a second

are you named after anyone? my gov name is after liv from law&order svu which i cant even be mad about but i dont think the name suits me. the name i actually go by was sort of made up by my older sister when she was 1 so no.

when was the last time you cried? honestly no idea, i don’t cry enough, im working on it.

do you have kids? no and im currently in a crisis about whether i want them. i told a close friend the other day that i think id love it if it were an accident but seeing as im a greyace lesbian... one of my siblings/friends is going to have to take one for the team and kick the bucket in a fiery crash so i can raise the kid with good morals

do you use sarcasm a lot? yeah, i feel like an average amount (maybe slightly above average)

what’s the first thing you notice about people? tendency to help/give others the benefit of the doubt, also how they move/sit/walk, mannerisms and the like

what’s your eye colour? unclear... sometimes fairly dark brown sometimes verging on hazel

scary movies or happy endings? depends. i do like a happy ending but scary movies really do it for me when i need to feel things without... emotions?

any special talents? packing, i can fit anything in a suitcase. also weirdly good at twister which i discovered last night.

where were you born? hospital

what are your hobbies? sometimes art stuff and writing, reading, anything to do with fic, cooking

do you have any pets? ive since moved out but my parents have two dogs that i still consider mine and i love them more than anything (the sweetest great dane and a really bitchy bernie doodle)

which sports do you play / have you played? field hockey, running/high jump, swimming, and briefly water polo but that was all at school. i did karate for like 13 years. i pick things up here and there and im currently getting into climbing which is very very cool

how tall are you? 168cm / 5’6”

favourite subject at school? bio for a long time but english by the end

dream job? i would love to be a therapist, especially working at a school or for a non-profit or something. also maybe obgyn or a nurse but med school is ridiculous. in a dream world where no problems exist, id own a bookshop thats a coffee shop by day and a bar by night and i would live upstairs. we would have live music every night. it would be gay and once a week we’d hold knitting workshops.

i don’t know who to tag and i think the game is waning anyway. but if anyone has been itching to do it, this is your sign! take it and run.

#tag game #i have no idea wtf im doing #im now just daydreaming about my stupid bookshop #i really want to own a bookshop

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