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natasha-in-space · 3 months

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Hey ive a small request. I just thought of yoosung route with an mc who....actually knew him for a long time and had secretly crushed on him and admired him when both of them were in school. It is pretty canon that yoosung was a popular kid at his school and had many girls crushing on him. One of the girls happened to be mc who cant help but admire him from afar. Back in the day yoosung was the first guy who had been kind and sweet towards her and that stuck with her for the rest of her life. She never confessed her feelings, thinking that she might be "too weird" for him (since she was one of the "weird girls" of the class because of her shyness).

She however never found out about his grief regarding rika, she has a faint memory of him appearing sad on the day of graduation and she has no idea why...it just felt very unusual of him from her perspective. She mustered up some courage to ask him why he is sad but he pushed her away by plastering a fake smile and saying "im actually fine dont worry", she knew he was lying but that day she couldnt ask him more and force him to talk. Few days later she moves out to a different country with her family

Fast forward to current time she ends up being stuck in the apartment because she could not say no to an obviously shady man and finds the same guy she had once admired.

Because the mc here is a very socially awkward person, I am pretty sure she would end up only inviting a handful of people so its going to be the normal ending instead of good ending (which basically means that she would meet him at the hospital and not at the party)

So how do you think the reunion will be. I love your writings very much i want to see your take on this

Life can be so peculiar.

You can meet people by who's side you will end up spending the rest life with, by pure chance. Or, you can lose the one person you thought understood you more than anyone else could. It's unpredictable. And that's a thought that is both terrifying and relieving to ponder over late in the night, when there is nothing else fot you to do but just lay there and stare at the ceiling of your bedroom, deep in thought.

It was unexpected to meet Yoosung again, to say the least. It seems like such cliche story, ripped straight from some generic k-drama and not real life, doesn't it? A shy, closed off kid meeting their popular high school crush further down the line, when they are both now established adults with their own individual lives. But, then again, maybe it wasn't as strange. It's not like you went through some mind-boggling 'glow-up' in these few years, like characters in k-dramas usually do. You were still the same introverted and kind of nerdy dork you were in high school, just a bit more capable of putting up a somewhat acceptable front in public.

Yoosung, though? He was almost an entirely different person.

Well, not entirely, but he was still a far cry from the popular and academic boy you knew back in high school. Not in a bad way, per se... But, it still shocked you quite a bit once you got to know him fully. Then again, it's not like you have really known him at all until now. That doesn't mean your past crush on him was superficial by any means, but it was still rather innocent and puppy-like on your end. You wanted to get to know him better, to see sides of him you couldn't see when he was in public... but, you were far too insecure and skittish to be so bold.

Alas, life had other plans for you.

His hair was not the same neatly styled brunette you remembered. In its place, was a new bright blonde hue that fit him surprisingly well, layered in an adorably casual look that made your heart skip a beat the moment you saw his selfie in the chat, when you first joined. His choice of clothing was more free-spirited, less classy and uptight. The type that made you wonder how his shirts would look and feel on you if you were to borrow them. And his overall attitude seemed to have become a bit more carefree and lighthearted. These major changes surprised you. But, they weren't unwelcome by any means. They intrigued you. Made you want to talk to him, and learn all the ways that he has changed in these couple of years.

Thankfully, you were a bit more chatty behind the safety of your phone.

With chatting, you could take your time and make sure your wordings are correct. You didn't have to just say the first thing that came to mind and then follow through with it. You could express yourself accurately. And you would use that lucky opportunity to its full potential.

Yoosung's apparent active neglect of his studies was surprising to you. The straight-A student you knew back in high school was completely different from this older Yoosung. Maybe you should have been put off by this particular negative change of his, but it only made you grow concerned for him. The more you talked, the less... happy he appeared to you. Sure, his attitude was cheery and carefree on the surface. But, sometimes, you would read upon a phrase or two that would make you pause, your brows furrowing in concern and your heart clenching in your chest, despite it being passed around like a light joke or something.

I don't really know what my talents are.

I don't really know what I want to do.

I just play games to get rid of stress or feel less lonely.

Trying to find what you're interested in itself is a luxury.

It felt like... he just gave up on himself. On his future, and, subsequently, his own happiness. That thought was gnawing at you. It's like he didn't... believe he was capable of finding fulfillment in life, so he gave up on trying altogether. It wasn't right.

Although he may have neglected his studies, he remained the same passionate and lively person you fell for in back in high school. His drive was still there, but it was almost like it got fizzled out due to something you couldn't quite figure out yet. You did remember him seeming rather... downcast back at your graduation. No, he looked downright crushed.

You have a distinct memory of wanting to approach him and inquire about his wellbeing. Maybe you could have offered for him to come and spend some time with you. Yet, as always, you were far too big of a scaredy cat to do so.

Things had changed since then. You may be shy and timid, but you weren't going to let your fears and insecurities hold you back from doing something you knew in your heart was right. Not when life has given you a second chance like this.

And so, that's how you got here. You finally got to see him face to face after eleven days of complete and utter rollercoaster of emotions. Meeting Yoosung in the hospital ward wasn't how you planned it... but, you were just glad to see him smiling and safe.

Furthermore, his smile was meant for you. An observation that left you reeling as you walked sheepishly into his hospital ward, knowing that everyone has left to give you some alone time. It was just you and him now.

"...Hi."

He smiles wider, as if he's excited to finally hear your voice in person, no longer muffled by his speaker phone. You can see him straining a little bit to sit upright, but ultimately deciding against it. "Hi."

So much to say, yet so little time... You find yourself just staring at him for a few moments, before deciding to just go for it. Considering everything that happened during these eleven days between you two, there was no need for you to be cautious or distant. He was pretty straightforward with you about his feelings. Much more upfront than you could ever be. And, some part of you was still in disbelief that he has actually come to love you in such a short amount of time.

It was too good to be true.

You reach his bedside and sit on the chair placed neatly next to it. Without thinking much about it, you reach out and place a gentle hand on his palm, his skin soft and warm under your touch. It makes you smile almost inadvertently. "It's... so good to finally see you. Are you alright? We were all so shocked when Seven..."

"-I'm okay. You don't have to worry." Yoosung cuts you off in a soft tone, his smile turning a bit bashful, and you feel his fingers cautiously intertwining with yours, almost like he was testing the waters, wanting to see if you will pull away from his touch. Of course, you didn't. He sighs, seeming to be enjoying the comfortable silence for a brief moment, before continuing, his thumb warmly brushing the back of your hand. "I promise I'll tell you everything a bit later. There will be no secrets between us. I just... I want this moment to be about us, you know?"

Your heart flutters in your chest as you nod in response to such sweet words. You knew what he meant, though. You really did. He was brave enough to say it openly while you weren't. "What... do you want to talk about?"

You opt to give him the initiative here. To see where this would go. He hums softly, pondering for a few moments before replying, his eye always fixed on you. Not like you could blame him. Finally talking to him face to face and not having to imagine what he actually looks like, was having the same effect on you. You two might be more similar than you think.

"...I just... I can't help but think that this was fate, you know? That Rika really did bring you to me. To help me find what I have lost back when she left us. To help me move forward with my life." He licks his lips, and you give him an encouraging nod, letting him know that you are indeed listening. Rushing this was not necessary. He seemed to appreciate your gesture, with an adorably sweet smile tugging at the corners of his mouth that made your heart swell. "It's funny... I was so popular back in high school, I had so many people I called my friends, and yet, I barely have seen them since then. Yet, the one who made their way back into my life like a hurricane was... you."

You can't help but chuckle and shake your head a little bit. "I would say it was the other way around... but, I am flattered to hear that."

You sway in your seat, unsure if you should mention it or not. In the end, you make the decision to be truthful. You two are technically a couple now, after all. It's only right to be honest with him. And... a huge part of you was always longing for a chance to tell him what you were far too scared to tell all those years ago.

So, you go for it.

"...How surprised would you be, if I told you that I actually had a huge crush on you back in high school?"

You watch his eyes widen and his mouth fall open as he just stares at you for a few moments, completely taken aback by your revelation. It was both endearing and a bit embarrassing to witness. You chuckle nervously, feeling your cheeks grow warm as you look down at your hands locked together, suddenly far too shy to look him in the eye.

"You just seemed so out of my league back then... You were the popular guy - one everyone liked. And, I mean... who was I? Just an anxious mess always sitting in the back of the class. Invisible and weird. So, I... never really approached you about it." You pause, your expression growing a bit somber as you call back to the day of your graduation. An event that was meant to be a moment of triumph and joy. A celebration of the start of your future. Yet, for you two, it wasn't anything like that. "What I always regretted the most, though... was not talking to you back at our graduation. I could tell that something was wrong, but I was too much of a chicken to actually do anything about it. So, I... when I walked into that apartment, and realized it was actually you... I don't know. I just felt like life has given me a second chance. To make things right this time."

There are a few minutes of silence between you two, nothing but the muffled noises of the hospital bustling with life on the other side of the door, and your shared breathing. Despite this, it's not suffocating or uncomfortable at all. It's oddly peaceful. You know he's processing all that you just told him, and you feel strangely calm as you give him all the time he needs before he responds.

Yoosung gently tugs your hand, a silent request for you to look up at him, and you grant him that request without any reservations on your part. His rosy eye is soft as he looks at you, and his brows slightly knit together, but it is not an expression of displeasure or unhappiness. Rather, it's a look of curiosity and disbelief that makes your breath catch in your throat. You remain silent, though, just waiting for him to come up with his piece.

You told your truth. Now, it was his turn.

"All this time... All this time you were right there, by my side, and I didn't even know it. You really are my blessing, aren't you, Y/N?"

His voice shakes as he speaks, his throat bobbing as he clearly attempts to swallow his emotions. It doesn't seem to work, though, as you can see his eye glistening slightly with unshed tears. So much for not getting emotional. As you gently squeeze his hand, you feel yourself becoming quite choked up too. A small laugh escapes you: a natural response to a rather emotional exchange happening between you. "I wouldn't call it that... I was too much of an anxious mess to do anything for the majority of that time. I'm still that awkward, scared kid, to be quite honest. Just a little bit more mature now."

Yoosung shakes his head, and an adorable pout takes its place on his cheeks. He almost seems offended when he hears you talk about yourself in this manner. "You are so much more than that."

"Yeah?" You smile, finding his insistence rather cute.

"Your words, your encouragements, your trust in me - it all gave me strength to let go of my grief and move forward with my life. Before you came along, I... I was just adrift. After Rika passed, I... I honestly felt like a big part of me died with her. I no longer knew who I was, or what I was meant to do, or if there was any point to what I do, if all my efforts could be just ripped away from so cruelly. I gave up on myself. Truth is, deep down, I didn't believe I could be happy. But, you..." he squeezes your hand, laying his other palm atop of it now as well. "You came along, and you believed in me, when no one else did. You encouraged me and told me that it's never too late to seek out that happiness I thought I lost. You never judged me, never made fun of me. You just... listened. Listened and accepted me for who I was. No, you saw things no one else saw, not even me. I can finally say that I am proud of who I am, and that's because of the way your words have motivated and encouraged me. You are the most brave and amazing person I know. And I'll be damned if I don't tell you that every single day from now on."

You're at a loss for words when faced with such a heartfelt speech. It's just too much. In the best way possible. You are pretty sure you can feel a couple of tears sliding down your cheeks now, as a tiny laugh slips from your lips. You wipe your eyes with your free hand, sniffing.

"...I forgot how great you are at giving motivational speeches."

Your blunt response makes you both laugh, a new lightness filling your chest as you suddenly feel all your nerves fade from your mind. Yoosung didn't make you nervous. Not at all. You knew you were safe with him. Just like you always took his problems and struggles seriously, he would do the same for you.

"I wasn't the class president for nothing, you know."

"That you weren't."

#mystic messenger #mysmes #mysme #mm #yoosung kim #kim yoosung #mystic messenger yoosung #yoosung x reader #woo! sorry it took so long anon!#i actually wrote out the first draft before my surgery but didn't finish it before it 💀#but i quite like how it turned out!#yoosung is honesty a big sweetheart reading through his route for this request made me appreciate him even more

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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 10 months

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Trimax Thoughts Vol. 3 Pt. 1

Some more miscellaneous thoughts. I realized it's actually more convenient to do these before any analysis because. Well. I actually haven't read this manga before. Why was I trying to do full analyses before just letting myself read it. Why am I a dumbass.

Anyways.

It's the repression my dude

(Ok but can we talk about how Wolfwood doesn't really lie and his eyes convey his emotions whether he wants it or not and he still feels strongly because that attachment keeps him going and then how Vash has had to withdraw and shove everything into a box somewhere deep inside him because he always has to maintain a distance and always has to leave aughhh)

Ohhhhh that part where Vash is able to tell exactly how many strikes are incoming... I love how he becomes really precise and calculating in a fight. It's a really great way to show the severity of a situation and his skill and experience! (Bonus points: he does this in Tristamp too - I still cannot get over the way the animators chose to have him move right before he pulls out his gun in ep 1 - I went on an unhinged ramble about that. He's always fluid and grounded. I adore those animators they did a fantastic job.)

!!! I think this is the first time we've actually seen Knives' face since the Fifth Moon Incident! ...there's something to examine in this.

Feral Wolfwood <3

Yikes. If we wanted more emphasis on the way a lot of people around Vash do not stop to consider the severity of death. The violence is so typical in this world it's treated as a scene from which one can be detached. Vash's honest distress and compassion as entertainment :(

Hey. What the fuck.

The baby with the gun would be a lot funnier if I didn't know what Leonof had to do to people to make his puppets.

SICK AND TWISTED. WTF.

Ok say what you will though but Leonof so far has been the only one of the GHG that I think actually understands the assignment. Like. Yeah, this sure is the way to fucking break the guy. What the hell.

Oh, Vash knows him? Maybe that's why Leonof knows how to hurt him so well...?

AUGH he had puppet Doc, who vouched for Vash earlier to Brad, call him a demon!!! This also means he was killed! WTF

AUGHHHH wolfwood :(((

Meryl and Milly I love you so so much

Whjfhbdsjfbhv??? Girl??????

Vash: *starts blaming himself* Luida: "no." Vash: "oh, ok." :(

Hair down Vash <3

I really love the way we find out a bit more about Vash in this chapter. Him taking Meryl and Milly to a special place that helps him relax and heal and feel closer to Rem, even if he doesn't quite tell them that's what it is. Meryl knowing it's important somehow anyways and feeling like she can see him a little more clearly. Wolfwood freaked the hell out by the idea that Vash is immortal, but instead of leaving it at his assumptions, he still goes to talk to Luida and ask questions, who immediately proceeds to emphasize how lonely yet kind he is. We learn a lot about Vash in this chapter without him actually revealing anything about himself directly - all through other people, and the impact he's made on them. And I like how even though we find out more and more the differences between human and whatever Vash actually is, we circle right back around to confirming what we already knew about him from the beginning - he's fundamentally a kind man with a lot of pain in his heart who always makes the active choice to be nice. Just. Agh.

Wolfwood, running while carting his stupid IV pole over his shoulder: "oh fuck I need to protect women (and Vash)"

Softest look I've ever seen. What.

But ohhh does this make me happy. Because he's spent this volume thinking Vash has no survival instinct because he's immortal, etc., which terrifies him because he cannot understand not fighting to survive. Vash's smile makes a comeback here, but he now understands that it's not just a mask, it is the way he fights to survive. That smile is Vash's struggle to live in the same way the violent struggle is his, and Wolfwood I think/hope is starting to realize again that the gap is not so wide between them. He's calmed enough to remember that he actually likes this guy. Augh.

#trigun #trimax #trigunbookclub #storyrambles #<- not as much this time i promise!

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acaciapines · 6 months

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If you’re still doing songs - song 69 and 138?

im always up to do em lets GO! i'll put both above the cut n then talk below :)

69. It’s Called: Freefall – Rainbow Kitten Surprise

king misses his mom. he misses his sister. he misses his aunt and his grandparents and mari trying to pin him down and luz letting him crawl under her covers and eda hugging him when he grabbed for her and firefly chirping good morning and good night and throwing out her wings to keep him safe.

“kiiiiiiiiing,” the collector whines, flipping upside-down through the air. “you’re so boring, what is your problem?”

“just tired,” king says. it’s hard to look at the collector straight-on. the thoughts that surround him are a messy array, and barely any of them are his, the way they are for anybody else: it’s a weird conglomerate of old thoughts like those that drift through the sky, but so packed together he can’t make anything out. it’s a beach of golden sand the collector runs through, leaving kicked-up grit in his awake.

“naw, c’mon,” they needle, landing right in front of him. “you’ve been tired forever. be fun!”

he misses his family so bad he’s sure it’s a wound spilling out of him. how can’t the collector see that?

“okay,” king says, “fine. let’s play.”

138. Habits – Genevieve Stokes

ask anybody: edalyn-owlbert clawthorne was never planning to have kids.

never really interested her. not the settling-down part, not the needing to keep another living creature alive part, not the having to be a good influence, gag. nah. kids were never going to be her thing, and so she never sought them out.

and then the little buggers found her.

well. she’s technically the one who stumbled across king, the owl beast’s faltering flight into that abandoned ruin he was living in, but king was the one who followed them both and refused to be left behind. plus, that stone-monster was going to kill him. eda wasn’t a fan of kids, but she didn’t want to leave them for dead, either.

looking back she’s pretty sure the owl beast was laughing at her.

laughed even harder when she took in luz. you’re an apprentice, kid, eda had told her, and the girl had squealed, and her daemon had sat there on her shoulder with her tiny chest puffed out, and something in eda knew this was going to be a permanent thing.

oh well. at least she skipped the changing diapers phase of things.

Discussion

for the first one: oh! hey! this one is relevant to for the future which im writing right NOW! ive been thinking a lot recently about how kings gonna be Doing in that entire like, 2-3 months he's basically on his own with the collector, because i'll be expanding out from what was shown in the show, and just...god. poor kid.

its terrifying! im a collector lover but even i'll admit he is Not great with king, especilly towards the start, and thats not going anywhere--king misses his family and the collector has been on his own for so LONG, and has this sense of entitlement to kings time + space. why does everyone else get a lifelong friend with them since birth? the collector wants that! and if they werent born with it they'll find a friend then! like KING!

its just a LOT. it makes for fun writing though kdnfkgdfg king doesnt hate the collector but oh boy is he not actually friends with them.

this one also makes it pretty obvious what im doing in regards to king being a titan lol but ive decided not to talk so explicitly about that unless im asked a question in which i cant speak around it. i gotta keep some of my secrets!

for the second one: MOM EDA MY BELOVED sorry i literally love that trope so much okay. its so so fun to write. eda really tripped and fell into parenthood like ah shit now ive got to be responsible for HOW MANY of these guys now? two? three? am i supposed to count mari and luz as one or two because based on the day that is a WILDLY different answer.

but yeah <3 its also made even more funny that firefly knew 100% what she was getting into. this was a massive shock to eda, but firefly's been a mom from the start!

also ooooh got that owlbert mention huh wonder what that is about...wonder what my owlbert secrets might be....if he shows up at all....hmmmm...

#ask #toh #daemon au #king clawthorne #eda clawthorne #the collector #i write #also keeping owlbert's name is actually so funny thinking about it #eda's parents really looked at their newborn daughter like 'yeah. fuck it. name him owlbert.'#and a grove of palistrom to you

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aphnatasha · 4 months

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LISTEN I've been wanting to make them as bjds for a year at least the urge is so strong it's grabbing my neck

Although in my case I want to do the designs I have of them and also I am determined to figure out how to design fat bjds cause I refuse to make my girl Mary thin 😤

I actually have no experience whatsoever with bjd making but I've been watching some videos and I might save to get a bunch of supplies 👀✨

Like part of the reason I'm so excited about it it's because it requires different skills – character design, hairstyling, painting, even sewing!!!! And idk it just brings me joy to be able to create something "out of thin air", so to speak

Okay rant's over wjfhejfhe I wish you happy holidays!!! ✨✨✨

BRO IVE BEEN WANTING TO DO BJD'S FOR AGES its only recently that i kinda want to make the sandersons sbndndndnd. i still wanna do the plushies first cuz im not super great with making things by hand and i dont have the materials to make bjd's of 'em yet. i do have some old dolls, but i get the feeling that if i try to work on them, theyre gonna get really badly messed up

initially i wanted to make the redesigns i have for some of my fave monster high characters so they look more monstery, mostly headmistress bloodgood cuz i am determined to make her look more like a dullahan cuz i have so many thoughts about that in particular and im a lil saddened they never really took that route, but its understandable cuz a) that'd probs take a lot of time to animate and b) dullhahan are actually really terrifying and i dont think they wanted to make her so scary that she'd frighten kids (i feel like if they did go that route, lil kid me wouldve fallen even harder for her than i already did and that is saying something sbdbdn)

i feel like you could probably use some kind of sculpting or modeling clay to add on to the dolls to make them fat, but idk what types of clay would work for that dbbdbd. like, ive seen so many people use clay to sculpt out horns or thicken and/or lengthen a doll's arms or legs, so i dont see why you couldnt do somwthing similar for mary

i swear its something about creating a 3 dimensional thing that feels so exciting and so intrinsicly human, if that makes sense? like, being able to make dolls and figurines and charms and stuff out of clay and puting it together onto something sturdy to make sure it doesnt fall to pieces, something people have done since forever and changed it over time with new materials to work with and new processes to use it just. idk if im maoing a lick of sense, i just woke up shdjdnnf

i dont really have much experience in the sculpting area, but i think thats what makes working with new mediums so much fun. just being able to mess around and learn firsthand what works and doesnt work and learning from that, using your old creations and inspiration for something new. thats part of the reason why i keep a lot of my sketches, even if theyre really old. i always wind up inspired by it, and i wind up recreating the thing with how i do art now, or i try to put it into a new medium i learned as a sort of testament to how much that thing meant to me

aahh, i rambled on too shdjjd. i really wanna make dolls of them now. maybe i should see if my community college has any sculpting classes, that way even if we dont quite learn to make human/human adjacent things, it might give me just the help i need to be able to do it

(⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧ happy holidays!! ☆ﾟ⁠.⁠*⁠･⁠｡*⁠.⁠✧

#i really need to plan out what i need to get and how to use them cuz i have so many ideas rattling around in my head #should probably sketch them out first so i can have a better idea of what i want them to look like sbdbbdb

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vhvrs · 2 years

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Hello I'm so sorry to randomly put this in your inbox, but I have some real questions that I'm kind of too scared to ask anyone else?

I think I'm... I think I finally admitted that I might be trans? I think? I've been so terrified of calling myself that, especially out loud, because I've been so scared that I'm accidentally being transphobic when I can't even figure out my own identity? I'm AFAB, and I like having a very pretty "girl" body and even adore hyperfeminine "girl" things. Like, I love girly stuff and dressing like a girl? Is it the looking like a girl I like? But like, something has always felt off and like it wasn't quite right to just be a "she"? It's so hard to explain because for years I was just a girl, using feminine pronouns and everything. But as I've gotten older, I found myself using they/them more and more often, but it's actually in the last week or so that I've started using he/him pronouns officially instead of just in my head. And guess what? It felt amazing doing it! But here's my problem: What is it called when you're AFAB, do still really like very feminine things and "looking/acting like a girl", but want to use he/him pronouns? I'm so scared and confused and I feel so ashamed because I'm scared I'm just CIS with extra steps? Like, I see a lot of posts that say a lot of people are just muddying the waters and making things even harder for other transgender people, and I would never want to hurt anybody like that! I've tried Googling my question several times, each a different way because I was worried I wasn't wording it properly? But all the results I get are mixed and I'm confused what they mean. Am I allowed to be a boy that's... like, likes being a "girl", just not called a girl? Or at least isn't called a girl all the time? Just sometimes when I feel like it? Maybe?

I know this is all some really heavy stuff and I'm so sorry for just dropping this on you, but I really need help and I don't know where else to turn. If you're unable to help, do you know some other resources that I might try to look for? I'm sorry. You just seem so confident in yourself and your art has been really helpful, but I wanted to ask because I was hoping that I could maybe just get, like... even a sliver of what might be wrong with me? As dumb as this sounds, I'm scared of just being CIS (Again, I am so sorry for this long post, this text really got away from me)

hey i appreciate you feeling like i was the person to come to w this off the bat and not to fret about the ask at all bc im abt to overexplain myself right back - ive been in this exact same position actually! i had a long struggle moving from being a girl into being where i am now and where i am now is.... who knows! ive been figuring myself out for like. eight years at this point n i expect to keep figuring myself out even longer. the train of thought youre on reminds ne a LOT of how i felt when i started thinking i wasnt cis though so ill just kindve. dump what has helped me? and you can take what you want from it.

point blank anyone who says its possible for other trans ppl or even just ppl exploring their gender to bring harm back into the community are full of shit. they said this when i thought i was a genderfluid demigirl eight yrs ago. theyll keep saying it. it will continue to not be true. ive had friends who explored their gender identities and realized they were cis and if anything its really healthy for them and the community! its not bad to go thru that.

on topic, i could try to point you towards specific labels or communities but trying to get caught up in those can sometimes just confuse or scare you more - again speaking from experience trying to google just what i was and what i was going thru. especially trying to figure everything out at once.

like i label myself as a bi agender bc its EASY n to have a vague thing to tell ppl or put on pride icons but at the end of the day, im just theo. thats my identity n that could be yours too! when i think abt my bf, im a gay man. when im watching crazy girlies on a show, im a girl. when i want to buy nonbinary merch bc nobody makes agender merch, im nonbinary. im just theo no matter what.

you dont sound cis and thats the most important thing to remember. even if you were somehow cis w extra steps bc thats. not a thing. even if you looked n acted n dressed exactly as you did when you viewed yourself before all of this but FELT you werent that presentation, you wouldnt be cis. you could like... be a girl but a bit to the left and youd be trans.

also, perhaps changing the language you think abt yourself with may help you rule out whats going on? instead of seeing things in a v binary girl things vs boy things way? its hard bc like. gender based society but trying to not see dressing a certain way as being feminine/dressing like a girl and certain pronouns being like. boy/masculine pronouns can really help! if you mean you dont want to bind or you like dresses, then you can do those things in a masc or fem or any way u want - its YOU doing it. if you want those things to be girl things bc it helps, then theyre girl things! if seeing them as boy things helps, then they're boy things!

im sorry if i... didnt really answer your question or help ultimately but i just remember how much wanting definite answers didn't really help me at the time so i dont want to say like. oh youre nonbinary! oh youre genderfluid! oh youre a demigirl! oh youre a he/him girl! being trans is so different for everyone n thats ultimately why you may be struggling to find specific answers.

honestly? id keep doing what youre doing and trying different gender affirming things like you are. something will click as you do and youll come to realizations that, in that space, will help you a lot. perhaps itll be something that changes but it will click eventually.

i literally felt like i was transphobic towards trans men for having he/him in my pronouns for YEARS bc i wasnt Being Male Enough to earn them. but i no longer see myself as needing to be masc to prove i deserve to be called a he. to me, thats as genderless as they/them. shits weird n personal n a bit cringe.

nothings wrong w you for not having things figured out either. you will. i promise.

#also like generally if my art has been helping u i recommend either going thru my trans hc/trans hcs tag #or going backwards thru my art tag bc i very much used my art to figure my gender shit out n it helped immensely #i also encourage anyone who may have something to say to reply or dm bc this is just my perspective as like #someone whos gender REALLY is based off who theyre dating lol. being bisexual is v much a gender for me

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dumbbitchfrommars · 24 days

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MERCURY YOU CRAZY GIRL!

to be completely fucking honest. im terrified. im terrified of the fact ive pushed this away for so long when it feels like everyone has known it before i did. its not fair. its not fair that everyone should know me better than me. its embarrassing, and frustrating. but she's so lovely and kind and cares about me. and would never talk badly on me, and would never shame me or make me feel bad about myself. like GENUINELY, genuinely, always wants the best for me. which is crazy. crazy because its so rare, when i have tried to emulate that energy for so many before.

interestingly though. i always say how i try to be this safe person, this loving kind caring yada yada - but really, am i though? i try to be, for sure. i try my very best. but im never quite there. my own insecurity gets the better of me and i turn into the harsh critic and judge that i can be to my own self. but she would never, is never, and it inspires me. ive already changed so much for the better in the time since we met and became close and began our adventures together. that's what it is - an adventure. is that not everything ive been asking for and manifesting?

she's literally my soulmate that ive been dreaming of and asking for and manifesting and describing in detail for the past, what, year? maybe just less. anyway. i was so overwhelmed and scared. which is fair enough! she sprung it on me out of fucking nowhere. like genuinely felt like it came from left field. which makes it more fun and exciting for me. like not only am i worthy of that, but she really waited to make certain we were both ready for that. is it because i wanted to go back to my ex, and that stupid fucking taurus boy? she saw i was ready to open my heart again. though clearly for the wrong people.

but i should be wary... its mercury retrograde. also what if it doesnt work? what if im not ready ? its been so long ive been in my comfort zone. i dont want to stay there anymore. its boring and stagnant and stale and im sick of it. i want to grow. growth means discomfort. growth means taking a leap of faith. i quit my job, i did the crazy things i told myself i couldnt for years and years, im just living. im doing things for the sake of doing them because i can and its my right. and now... this is just the next thing god has planned for me. my twin flame in the form of a beautiful warm completely magnetic taurus woman who sees and brings out the absolute best in me. thats actually crazy.

i am still wary though. i have to do this carefully. because neither of us want to ever lose each other, of course, and shes my best friend. the whole dynamic of everything is about to change so we have to be slow, and tentative, and ever so careful. i dont want to hurt her. i dont wanna be the person who hurts her again... shes been through enough.

its funny... its funny to look back and realise every single one of my closest female friendships was like this. all the ones that ended messy - could it have been uncommunicated, unrealised feelings for eachother? one sided feelings for each other? or just chaos on both ends. or all of it. i do think i failed to realise how much my bisexuality and confusion in my feelings for my friends had impacted the dynamic and how i ended the friendship (or how they ended it and it hurt me). also - SO MANY TAURUSES?!

why is it always a taurus. ? apparently this is gods reminder that i need to slow down, enjoy life and take extra moments for the simple pleasures in life. like this! writing, my one true love. it would be so nice if God could grant me a burst of inspiration, because i miss writing. i miss getting into the flow state of creating. of building a world that i get to come back to whenever i feel like it, for an escape or for a reminder of how big, beautiful and wonderful my brain really is.

anyways, that was all. ill check back in a couple of weeks when the next massive change happens and my world is flipped upside down again. also crazy - i think i lost my malachite. served your purpose, have you?

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chronicbloodynoses · 1 month

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honestly mbikmb is actually me rn

the drum - i feel such a depressive cycle everyday and im not getting fucked up bc i cant w my situation but if i could i prob would b!

happy news 4 sadness - my ex lied 2 me constantly + my perception of love is actually so fked up after him and i constantly tried 2 change myself and use sexual stuff for him 2 love me (he treated me like shit and then convinced me i wanted too much from him)

sunburned shirts - honestly i see this as a nostalgia where it ends up not being what you remember, he used 2 look at the sun and he thought of it fondly, but it hurt more than he remembered

stoop kid - its me! im stoop kid! ive been so conditioned to my mother's baby-ing and when i try to be independent im not allowed and then i get yelled at for never helping out and im terrified to leave bc shes constantly saying that i'll fail completely on my own! also in my later "growing up" yrs i watched hey arnold LOL

something soon - i feel so strongly abt this song. trying to do things to keep from losing it + cutting off my hopes bcuz i feel incapable, i feel like the only way i'll ever b seen is to cause problems! break shit! my mother talked a whole bunch of shit about my dad so now i'll never ever see him the same despite him never actually doing anything to me! i both fear and hate him and miss him and wish i had a dad!!!!! treating what im going through as the past to keep myself from focusing on my problems so i dont kms!!!! wanting to hurt myself to have some reason to be upset!!!! wanting to express my emotions but never being able to!!!! if i cant feel better soon then im actually gonna lose my shit GENUINELY! i am completely unable to tell my mother anything bc either it has to do w her and she can do no wrong or its my fault how i feel! (fun fact- i got yelled at in eighth grade 4 listening to help let me go danny gonzalez bc of the kidnapping a girl part and my music is "too dark" LOL (she threatened to send me to a mental hospital on the same car ride to school)) this town is freezing cold!!! i need out!!!!!!! im not allowed to do laundry and my mom barely does it and acts like if i literally have no underwear then its the hardest thing in the world and i have to wait til bc shes constantly too tired (girl i just wore my last pair and im NOT wearing the ones with holes in them) wanting to be somethig more and never feeling content. ignoring my problems w content and procrastinating to complete guilt, i want to leave n sneak out (i literally could ive snuck someone in multiple times b4 LOL), if i dont romanticize what im going through i'll ACTUALLY fucking lose it (im already inching toward a breaking point xP) i hate this house!!!! ive grown up in the same butt fuck nowhere town in the same horrible traumatic house!!!!!!! i need!!!!!!!! to escape!!!!!! so bad!!!!!

guys we're halfway through the album LOL

no passion - this song is actually so depressed dancing 4 me but i honestly dont really listen 2 this one much n think abt the lyrics so no comment VERY EXTREMELY sorry for no passion fans i WILL think of u and listne 2 it more

father, flesh in rags - i love/hate this song honestly, like it kinda reminds me of my ex (scoliosis! his relationship w his dad was a big problem of our relationship!) thats all u get it kinda hurts LOL not in a way of missing him but i get really upset thinking abt all the shit i put up w and forgot abt bc of my SEVERE case of rose coloured glasses

strangers - im actually wanting to create are 4 this song LOL anyway this song is less specific 4 me (honestly i burnt out from something soon LOL) but i too am not gonna last much longer! im sofa king sick of it!!!! all of it!!!!!!

lawns - its okay will my dad left too <3

pow - fun fact my great grandpa was a prisoner of war! he was taken while he was in a plane over russia and there he learned the language in his 3 years there n idk if he escaped or was let go but hes honestly such a cool guy like! love him but he died when i was really young so i didnt get much of a relationship w him but if i was a great grandparent i'd be really happy 2 meet my great grand kid so im really happy i got to meet him

open-mouthed boy - i too call god a SHIT and then scamper off

ne way im so obsessed w car seat even if i dont have much to say and im just saying a bunch of nothing burgers i have so much appreciation for everything car seat headrest has done even w the songs i dont like (im looking at you hymn and famous) i know somewhere other people like them n are also so affected by car wseat and its just like wowzerz! love this band sofa king much! cant wait to see them live in june!!!!!

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placidsloth · 1 year

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things customers have said to me

im actually done collecting pokemon cards, shoes are kinda like my passion now. plus id rather drive my car down to florida full of shoes rather than my pokemon cards (its two binders dude its literally smaller than one shoebox)

get anything new in? (greg you were here yesterday, nothing has changed)

do you have this comic book store specific cover variant of this comic that came out today? i know its not this comic book shop, but i figured you might still have it (we're a very small store ha ha... that means no)

could you get me this 20 year old comic? your distributor should have it right?

yeah this comic has an important first appearance in it, i'm surprised you guys have any copies left. (yes because avengers #58 or whatever that came out 3 weeks before is such an important issue, thats why we only ordered one and sold none)

do you even know who damian wayne is? you know dick grayson isn't robin anymore, right?

do you sell manga? (sir this is a comic book store, any manga we have is entirely an accident)

you know, they use anti-depressants to keep sexual deviants and sociopaths like ted bundy from wanting to have sex while in jail, i dont understand why they dont just give everyone anti-depressants because literally every person is a little bit of a sociopath. i think putting anti-depressants in the water supply would probably reduce the number of jackasses in the world (terrifying thanks)

i thought that guy was gonna come at you when you said your boss was going to come talk to him about his order lol. i work with cops a lot and he reminded me of a junky looking to score a hit. but you handled that really well! good job! (way to make me feel safe dude)

no but the bionicle comic was one of the top selling comics of the year when it came out (somehow im not so sure about that.)

i wish there was a comic with like the members of the batfam you don't get to see usually (well actually there's an ongoing batgirls title, and tim drake has a mini-series-) no but like a good one, you know? (-.-)

how am i supposed to know what comic this is? (did you try looking at the back? it should have the name there) yeah it wasnt there (are you sure? flip it over for me?) okay i swear that wasnt there before

oh wow why is this comic so expensive? why would anyone pay $500 for a comic they cant even read? (i ask myself that every day)

damn i thought that guy was gonna lose it at you when you said you didn't have that item haha

nah man i just want venom stuff. i like to think of myself as the anti-hero of my life (i had to drop my stapler and lean down to pick it up so they wouldnt see me laugh at them)

wow, in the time ive been here, youve gotten hit on by three different guys! does that happen a lot? (i do not remember being hit on, i remember helping customers and chatting with them?)

so you're like 16 right? how long have you been working here? (4 years... i'm 23...)

oh i wasnt expecting to see a girl working here! are you the owners daughter/girlfriend/wife? (no thank god)

man if only my mom/wife/girlfriend/mother-in-law didnt give away/get rid of/lose/burn/throw out my comics/pokemon cards/magic cards i could be a millionaire right now (x to doubt)

#i love my job sometimes #other times i could burn it down and feel no remorse #comics #customer service #my boss also says the damndest things #i texted him a three sentence question and his only response for 2 hours was “long.”#all lowercase and everything #sometimes i really wonder what goes on in his head

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deliriousnights · 2 years

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its midnight, im lowkey having a crisis, i got no one to vent to so i guess imma post it here were no one actually knows me and well... here’s a very long post i guess. don’t know who will actually see this but yeah.

Do you ever have the thought that know one will ever truly actually love you because no matter who your with or how much they believe they do, they could never love anything more then the person you are around them. Like no matter what you do, you can’t help but pretend and change who you are for the people around you and no matter how hard you try to stop it you know you can’t and you’ll always end up alone because know one will ever really know all of you, even you don’t know all of you. And like its fucking terrifying? Because im so fucking forgettable, and anyone could just look at me and decide to leave, because honestly theres nothing rlly special bout me.

Im just so stupid, cuz i don’t even know who i am and i just need people to want me so bad while the same time i pretend and i push people away. Hell my mom tells me all the time how i just throw people away and just give up before i even start. And i try, i rlly do but i can’t help it.

And i don’t now why im typing this but lately ive just been rlly fucking lonely and rlly wanted to cry and somedays honestly i would rather not even talk. The last time i ever remember actually crying was like five months ago at one in the morning curled up in the corner of my bed huddled in blankets, sobbing cuz i realized if i ever told my family i liked girls and guys, hell that i was pretty damn sure i wasn’t even a girl myself that theyd hate me. They would hate me so much, my mom would stare at me, cry hug me nd then tell me how sorry she was that she failed e and how the demons have already possessed me. My dad would tell me im an idiot who can’t think for myself and bought all the propaganda.

And honestly at the end of the line even my two closest friends know nothing rlly about me other then what i tell them. And in the end ill always end up alone and never sharing anything real with anyone, romantically or platonically, because im a stupid idiot who can’t think for themself in the slightest other then when the next time im going to take a nap or watch shows/read fanfic is. Everyone is honestly right, im stupid and lazy. I may have been smart before but now im just a dumb idiot whose awake at midnight cuz they binged a fanfic and is trying they’re best the avoid sleep.

#vent #my thougts #midnight #lgbtq #lonely

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zombiezomm · 2 years

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Here i go again chasing after another girl who im almost positive is fucking with me. why. why do i keep doing this to myself. why am i even mad? shes not even mine. why do i get so enraged when i see other comments on your videos. why do i get so upset when my texts go hours with no response. why am i trying to make myself believe we could actually work. i have no right to be upset over you. you arent mine. as much as i want you to be. as much as i crave your attention im not entitled to it. and you arent obligated to do anything for me. maybe thats why im so stuck in my head. because i know im not the only one pursuing you. you can be ripped away from me at any given moment by someone who is available. im in a 7 year relationship and almost 2,000 miles away from you. why am i trying to pursue this. ive been through this before. idk if ill make it out entirely the same again. but something keeps pushing me toward you. its like you sense all of my anxiety and just know when to text me right before i do something ill regret. i never want to lose what we have. and i contemplate ways to make us happen everyday. Something is really different this time. ive had plenty of girls walk into my life over the years that i felt like i needed to chase. most of it was for sex. others were for something i wasnt getting at home. but you, you came when nothing was wrong in my life. my relationship was stable. i was doing things right. and then you show back up in my life after 12+ years and suddenly your all i think about. suddenly your all that matters. your happiness is like gold and your smile is worth millions. your the one on my mind when i wake up and right before i fall asleep. your the one i want to call when im excited about something. your the one i want to curl up with at night and snuggle. your the one i want to experience new things with. your the one im falling in love with. and ive been in love before. many many times. This is different. this is the feeling thats written about in books and movies. its like floating in space. theres no real sense of time. your mind kind of races all over the place but can only focus on one thing. its like breathing. i think i love you. and that terrifies me. because i know im going to be the most vulnerable ive ever been with anyone and you have the power and ability to completely and utterly destroy me. You say you wont and you want me and this life we dream about but how can i be sure of that from where i am. Again why am i even stressing about this, you arent even mine. and i dont want to hold you back in life. i want you to be free to do what makes your heart and soul happy. and at the end of the day if that isnt me i have no choice but to try to be happy for you. but god do i want it so bad. tonight i looked up at the stars and asked for one thing. you. i am falling in love with you. every day i contemplate leaving my situation for you. i know you said only do it for me and not you but lately i dont feel like me without you. i wish i could explain everything thats going on in my head. i wish i understood what the universe was trying to tell me when you showed back up. i just hope im reading it right and not fucking up my life even more. i really fucking like you. id give up the world to be with you. i just need to know youd do the same for me. i wish i didnt get so stuck in my head like this. i guess im not sleeping tonight. and im not too sure what to write anymore. i just really fucking like you and i want this to work so badly. ughhh why. what are you doing to me. your making me feel things. your breaking down the walls. something that hasnt been done in over 10 years. that last time they came down i almost didnt make it. please dont destroy me. please.

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usermaha · 2 years

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Queendom 2: FANtastic Queendom Review

some ppl interpreted this round simply as ‘fan-favorite/recommended by fans’. others made the stage centered around the fans as a display of gratitude. imo both routes are not incorrect as long as the actual performance is something memorable.

i got surprisingly introspective as the round went on, it made me think about the unique relationship between any fandom and their artist. Yes it can be quite surface-level, but sometimes i feel something genuine, and i can’t place whether its my imagination. There is more give-and-take than we realize. We need our idols as much as our idols need us.

Hyolyn: her Position Unit performances didn’t do it for me, and in the preview i saw summer concept again and neon, which turned me off. but the full thing i rather enjoyed. see sea is an actual vibe. she was back in her element with her own song, her signature stage presence was overflowing. adding the Street Woman Fighter dancer and incorporating that storyline was so cute.

VIVIZ: okay maybe bop bop isnt too bad of a song. the queen bee concept was fun, once again i enjoyed it more than anticipated. but in every performance their weak vocals becomes a glaring issue, they just don’t sound that good.

Brave Girls: now ppl are not going to like me for this. I can imagine how disheartening it is to work for years with no recognition or progress, how terrifying it is to stand at the edge of losing your career, it can be hard to forget. but from where i see it, it seems like they earned this first place by emotionally manipulating ppl to pity them. legit display it on a projector?? this performance i felt like took ‘FANtastic’ a bit too far. the song in particular... idk about the lyrics ‘cause they kept saying the lyrics were very moving. but i didnt feel anything when i heard it. it was your average Brave Girls performance; light on dance, vocal heavy, cluttered in terms of stage direction. the glass heel plot i didnt get. i didnt like the outfits maybe this is where its coming from.

WJSN: the outfits were so pretty!! THE PURPLE!!! the sequins!! i had acknowledged their visuals, but this performance i couldn’t look away. I am not aware of who Miss Bona is but she is GORGEOUS. WJSN really has a discography. they could really just pull out a B-side to set a performance of this grand of a scale. the drama, the effects, i loved all of it. this is the kind of thing i was expecting from WJSN this competition.

LOONA: this is where i started getting emotional. Bc when they talk about orbits i actually understand. I know how far and wide orbits have reached to get loona’s name out there in the blackout, this insane cult following might truly be the only reason they are still here.

Of course it had to be Butterfly, what else could have it been? Butterfly is a song which has so much history and sentiment attached to it. To me it represents LOONA at their best, at transcendent, their legacy. The lost potential, their tragedy. I still hear ppl in kpop community talk about it, the title with no wins, the last song before they plunged into darkness for an year. This song represents the hope orbits held on to in that time that we will hear from them again. The little montage made me feel so proud. it hit me: oh my god. They didnt disband. They are still here. They are on an mnet survival show, with more exposure than they ever had. And im so glad. 🥺

As for the actual performance i wasn’t quite satisfied. I love the respect they showed to the original, but then changed the choreo. The original choreo was perfect, she was iconic, she was everything. Unfortunately Butterfly is not a song that supports a good vocal performance. Not a fan of the outfits. I think ive seen every Butterfly stage ever and ive seen ones that hit harder.

Kep1er: im not even that familiar with 2nd gen, but i have to say it: they dont make music like this anymore. first up everyone looked so pretty in black??? Xiaoting with her wavy red hair??💯 moving to the actual stage: the witches in the dark forest…? What does that have to do with anything? To think of it, kep1er vocal weakness has been on display on this show since day 1 😬. I should have felt much more cool and badassery than i actually did. The dance cover on weekly idol was giving more imo. But Youngeun center and that head tilt, iconic.The biggest win for Kep1er is me begrudgingly respecting Youngeun, yes she was born for this i suppose.

Ranking: WJSN > Hyolyn > Kep1er > LOONA > VIVIZ > Brave Girls

#queendom 2 #kpop #💫#i wont see the final live i have a life #i will listen to the songs since performances are too chaotic to digest the music #maybe ill review the individual preformance videos on yt #opinion on the final results and that’s it

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soundscapesystem · 2 years

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this one may be pretty explicit. i would skip it if ur not able to read something triggering without specific warnings tocthe content cuz i really cant use my words for that rn

honestly it sucks so bad to be a survivor of things frequently misunderstood online like being a trafficking survivor and seeing people spread hoaxes about it sucks but it sucks WORSE to see the response of "sex trafficking doesnt even happen in the US" or "why do white middle class girls think theyre gonna be the victims of sex trafficking that doesnt happen to you" its like. no you just do not know what sex trafficking is or care enough about survivors of it to look up any actual data on it.

or being a victim of a pedophile ring and ppl are like "pedos arent actually groups of creepy men in a basement swapping polaroids like in movies its like this or that" like idk how to tell u how wrong u are, especially when u were abused in the 90s/early 00s cuz its not just billionaires w private jets sometimes it really is just a group of creeps with zero social standing who are just having normal lives

and this constant misinfo abt things i experience are why i get SO ANGRY abt ppl calling nsfw art of fictional underage characters as cp because like. theres real csem out there of my real child body as a real live child that a real live adult man took w his cell phone of me and showed it to other real live adult men and i have no idea how many there are or if any of them will ever be linked back to me and i am Constantly terrified one of those government projects to identify children in csem is gonna come back to me so honestly i do not fucking care abt the anime girls someone on twitter is drawing in suggestive poses

just in general i have so much emotional burn out whennit comes to my suvivor experiences and the shit i see online like how trivialized everything ive been thru has gotten. it really hurts. it really hurts to feel like when i say i am a survivor of x, y, or z some people think it means totally wildly inaccurate ideas that are, genuinely, not anywhere near as serious as what i went thru

like i have a whole alter who lives her life in a constant belief she is dying/already dead due to what we experienced and some ppl boil that stuff down to anime fanart, zipties on a bike rack, or unmoderated chat rooms and it makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry for hours because what happened to me could never be condensed into such palatable concepts

#kai speaks

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mrfoox · 3 years

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Don't think I've felt this... Frustrated and bafflingly angry in my whole life for such an extended period of time...

#Miranda talking shit #Legit been frustrated and annoyed the whole day bc of my situation and my way of thinking and i want it to go away #Like i obviously get annoyed and such like everyone but i think compared to many others my anger threshold is very high #Ive only seriously heightened my voice bc of anger twice in my life as far as i can remember. Friend told me it was scary #But holy shit ... Im angry and frustrated over my whole... Sex and romantic views #I wish i could just be carefree and have fun and have sex with someone but the thought just terrifies me to all end #And it... I mean everyone is dealing with it these days i guess but finding a partner is so hard #And i know i judge men x6 times harder than women because i assume they just want to get their noodle wet #Which i know isnt true with everyone and such but its... Kinda all I can think when someone seem to want to meet me on a date?#I like to feel like someone thinks im attractive but the idea of someone acting on it is fuckin terrifying ...#Like at least obvious scumbags are open and will basically say 'wanna bang?' so you can ignore and block them...#But seeing guys vs seeing girls feels so different bc of that underlying ... Pressure? Of like looking sexy and whatever #And guys are most very... Bad at understanding signals and will make moves which i dont really like #And i usually am an open person so i have mentioned to majority ive gone to a date with before hand that.. No fucking will be happening #One legit ghosted me when i said that like lol alright ...#Ive been told 'my standards' for men are too high and i guess i get it. But generally in my experience the less educated men without any #Goal or passion have been... Unserious? Like either dont actually want to find a long term partner or just want to fool around #I know im harsher on men on basically everything because i have my baggage and my past experiences etc #Fuck my view on a relationship is just not normal and i dont know how to manage to find someone that wants something similar and like me #The guys that are 'serious' seem to mostly want kids asap basically and i really don't ...#That boring married for a long time life and shit people joke about sucking... Thats kinda what i want . Just sharing life and being there #And then we have the whole aspect of my mental illness and how thats not something 90% of people wouldnt want to deal with #And many of the people my age with similar 'problems' as me seem to go into drugs and other things to cope and not throwing shade #But like i dont want that? It would ruin me and probably kill me and nope...#Finding someone with mental health problems who is in my area but also wants what i want and like me... And then #Also is at a similar path of recovery or whatever like bruh.... I guess im just being selfish and shallow #Just wanting something more ... Than just a hook-up #I have a history of trying to mold myself into being someone else to be liked so i cant help but try to think okay bit what do i need #How realistic is it? And my answer is always uh... Unlikely i guess oops #Negative

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atlabeth · 3 years

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nightmares - mike munroe x reader

summary: It was a deal made by two almost-friends in the early hours of the morning after the worst night of their lives, when they realized that all they really had left was each other.

a/n: so this is once again. not my normal content but ive been on an until dawn kick lately and fell in love w the characters all over again. i dont know if anyone still reads or writes for this fandom but. here u go. enjoy

warning(s): lots of cursing, canon typical violence, mentions of graphic violence/death (but nothing too descriptive), mentioned depression, insomnia, and alcoholism, some heavy themes but its hurt/comfort so it ends in fluff

wc: 4.8k

You were running.

You were running, and it was freezing — fuck, it was freezing.

You knew your surroundings; how could you ever forget? Every fucking moment on the goddamn mountain was engraved into your mind for what you assumed would be the rest of your life, an assumption that had since been proven correct.

And now, against your will, you were back. Of course you were back.

A shudder ran through your whole body as that all-too-familiar screech rang out behind you, each second of it like nails on a chalkboard in the worst way. Your lungs burned like all hell but you couldn’t stop — if you stopped, you were as good as dead.

Some part of this fucked up thing was almost funny. Humans were always boasting about how they were the top of the food chain, how they were the height of evolution. There was nothing to keep an ego in check like being hunted by a supernatural creature.

Any thoughts of bullshit philosophy were dashed from your mind as you took a hard right, nearly falling over from the sharp curve of the mountain but just able to catch yourself. Your heart was thundering in your chest, the beats nearly lining up with your sprinting. You felt an intense urge to turn around, try and gauge your chances, but the thought of slowing down for even a second terrified you. It’s not like you needed to anyways — you knew exactly what was after you.

You were nearing the end of your road, both literally and figuratively. You stumbled over a tree root, your hands splayed out in front of yourself at just the right angle to keep your momentum going and, in some feat of luck, stay upright and running.

But your luck had just run out.

Your senses were proven correct as the harrowing cliff edge came into view, and a thousand things screamed in your mind at once as your demise stared you right in the eye. You barely managed to catch yourself, very much aware that the snow falling into the void could’ve just as well been you.

That fucking screech again, even closer than before, and you whipped around as you took an instinctive step back. Your hands patted around everywhere, searching for something to defend yourself, but you had nothing. No gun, knife, even the ground around you was devoid of rocks.

You had nothing. You had nothing to defend yourself from this goddamn nightmare creature, and you were going to die.

Your eyes darted around wildly in an attempt to find something, anything, to save yourself, but there was nothing. You took another step back and felt your foot slip, your breath catching as you barely managed to save yourself with a twist and a lunge away from the edge. The shock of the ground and the cold against your skin was just enough to remind yourself that you were actually alive. Another pile of snow mimicked the fate that seemed imminent as it trickled over the side of the cliff, and you screwed your eyes shut as you tried to shut your mind up.

Think, goddammit, if you wanted to get off of this fucking mountain you had to think—

The screech that pierced through the night sky was far too close for comfort, and as your head snapped back towards the woods you swore that your heart stopped beating.

It had caught up. You were out of time you were going to die but you didn’t have anything and you were going to fucking die—

A flash of white pushed off a tree and lunged towards you, teeth bared as it emitted that horrible screech. You didn’t even have time to scream, completely frozen in place as one clawed hand reached your neck, and you braced for the moment of release.

You shot up in your bed, breathing rapid and unsteady with a barely contained cry on the edge of your lips as your hand instinctively flew to your neck. You heaved an almost strangled sigh of relief to know that your head was still attached to your body (it might’ve seemed obvious, but… your head wasn’t exactly on straight at the moment, all jokes aside) and collapsed against the headboard.

You ran your hands across your face as you tried in vain to calm yourself down, ultimately having to turn on your lamp to ease your troubled mind that there was nothing going thump in the night.

It had been this same routine almost every night — horrible nightmare, wake up crying or screaming or both, and start the day at 3 am because you couldn’t fall back asleep.

It was exhausting. You were exhausted.

You knew you couldn’t go on like this, but what choice did you have? Therapy had been mandated by the police for a certain amount of time after the incident, but… it’s not like it had helped. How could it, when no one truly knew what you had gone through?

Well… that wasn’t completely accurate.

One person knew what you were going through, and you hadn’t said as much as one word to him since that night. You didn’t really… know what to say.

Hey. I know we’re not all that close, but I’m sorry your girlfriend and all your friends were killed by a Wendigo and that I made it instead. Hope you’re not going insane with grief. I’ll send you a card at Christmas!

...yeah. You had no idea what to say to him after months of no contact.

The relationship you had with Mike Munroe was a strange one, to say the least.

None of you were the same after that night on the mountain. The horrors of the mines would be forever entrenched in your head, flashes of the Wendigos appearing every time you closed your eyes. You and Mike were the only ones who made it off, and the guilt you carried everywhere was a burden you knew you couldn’t shoulder. And even after the physical scars had faded, you knew the mental ones never would.

Sometimes you wondered how you had even managed to get involved with the group in the first place — bonds that had been made in your freshman and sophomore years had somehow managed to stay strong enough throughout the rest of high school, strong enough to cement your spot in the friend group and the yearly lodge visits. You liked them all well enough, enough to go up to an isolated mountain with them for a weekend or so, but… yeah. Sometimes you did wonder what the hell you were doing with them.

But now?

Now, you would give almost anything to hear Sam’s laugh or one of her compliments, or tease Ashley and Chris about their very obvious feelings; hell, you found yourself missing Matt’s useless football facts. And even though Emily and Jessica weren’t always the nicest, you still had managed to worm your way into their hearts. Knowing that you would never get Emily’s brutal but helpful advice or get dragged to a football game by Jessica again?

If someone had told you the difference between life-long trauma and a completely normal existence was that blonde girl with the braids in your biology class, you might’ve thought a little harder before accepting that party invite.

The days after you were rescued from the mountain passed in a daze, questions and interrogations from police never sticking for too long. And it didn’t even feel like it mattered, the way none of them seemed to believe you.

They kept you separated from Mike throughout the whole process, and you were only able to catch glances of him when you were being transferred to different rooms throughout the long process. It really was like something out of a horror movie — a group of teens go up to a lodge in the woods, and only two return with a story of unspeakable horrors — and rather than try and work out what had happened, they seemed intent on pinning the deaths on you and Mike.

As if you weren’t dealing with enough after watching your friends get murdered by the monster of another friend, the people that were supposed to be helping you were instead trying to charge you with them. If it wasn’t so fucking infuriating, it would’ve been laughable.

The worst part? You could hardly blame them.

When you took a second to listen to yourself, to what you were spouting to the police, you sounded insane. If you hadn’t witnessed it all first hand, you wouldn’t have believed yourself.

You told them to go down to the mines. That the thing that killed your friends would be down there, and they could see it for themselves.

You didn’t know if that was the right choice. Hell, you might’ve been sending those cops to their deaths. But it was the only way you could think of to get them to believe you.

(You doubted they would go down there anyways. What was the word of two crazy college kids over actual logic? Not much, you imagined.)

You were in that damn interrogation room for what felt like forever until you were finally taken to a hospital to get your wounds treated. But even in the hospital bed, police were by your side asking about what happened every day of your stay. After your discharge, you were forced into custody until they got information that they deemed satisfactory.

By some miracle, you and Mike weren’t charged with anything. The news might’ve gotten hold of your story, but you didn’t know. You didn’t want to know. You didn’t ever look at the news after the tragedy, too afraid that you would see the smiling faces of your friends staring back at you, or pictures of you and Mike with news anchors trying to talk about how involved the two of you were.

If there was one thing worse than going through hell, it was other people trying to make a profit off of your spiral.

Your friends’ families offered their condolences, but not much else. You didn’t hold it against them. Your survivor’s guilt was strong enough to know exactly why they didn’t reach out further.

(You blame yourself for their deaths, after all. Why wouldn’t they?)

It was the same situation with Mike.

Maybe you had purposefully drifted apart from him, trying to build up walls of your own so that he wouldn’t be able to spring it on you first. You assumed he hated you after what had happened, and he had every right to. You might’ve helped each other through the night, but you had no other option. Now, everyone else but you was dead — people he cared about more than you — and you just couldn’t face that.

But as you stared at yourself in your bathroom mirror, you realized that you might have to.

You looked awful.

Weeks of sleepless nights were catching up to you, appearing in the form of

hollow eyes and dark circles, along with a slight discoloration of your skin. The scars from the mountain had mostly healed, but there was a particularly nasty gash on your cheek that was still showing — it wasn’t doing you any favors in the ‘looking completely normal and sane and not severely sleep deprived’ department.

You splashed some water in your face to try and wake up a bit, but the slight drowsiness that followed you everywhere seemed to be a permanent part of you now.

(It was almost funny, in a way. You were so paranoid and alert all the time, unable to fall asleep, and yet it was all you could think about in moments like these. You wondered when irony had become such a staple in your life.)

You had tried talking to therapists, your friends, your family, even searching the internet for advice on what to do after a life changing traumatic event. Nothing had worked.

The simplest solution had come to mind more than once, but you had pushed it aside with the determination to work through this on your own. But now, staring at yourself and seeing how much you had deteriorated…

You had to go talk to the only person who would understand.

You had considered turning around more than once on the drive over.

Because, really, what the hell were you doing? Showing up at his doorstep in the middle of o dark thirty because— because what?

Because you had a nightmare?

He had gone through the same thing you had, probably even worse. Losing Jessica right in front of him, having to cut off his fingers to get free, spending countless hours alone, dealing with the nightmare that was the sanatorium, and then…

Well, you had been in the mines with him and Josh when it happened. There was no doubt in your mind that the scene replayed in his head endlessly, just like it did for you.

Showing up… it was going to be a mistake. You knew it was.

For all you knew, Mike had moved on already. He was stronger than you, he always had been. Maybe your presence would send him spiraling once more, or maybe it would just earn you a verbal beating like no other. Mike had always been nice enough, but the trauma you had endured was enough to turn a saint into his own worst enemy.

You didn’t know what would happen. You didn’t know anything, and as you turned down his street you regretted more than ever not keeping in touch with him. Maybe then you wouldn’t be in this situation, scrambling after your last hope for salvation after slowly killing yourself over the past few months.

But there was no chance to turn back now, because before you knew it your knuckles were rapping against his front door.

The pause between your arrival and a response was so long that you considered leaving and pretending like this never happened, but just as you began to step back the door swung open.

You didn’t really know what you were expecting, but… he was there. The only other testament to the horrors of Blackwood Pines, and maybe the only person that could help you through this.

“...hi,” you murmured, swallowing the sudden lump in your throat as you looked the personification of your shame in the eye.

Mike blinked a few times, whether to try and wake up a little or out of surprise from his visitor you didn’t know, but it was a few seconds before he responded in kind. “...hey. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you around.”

You chuckled dryly as you nodded. “Yeah. Sorry for the sudden arrival. I’m, uh… I’m kind of surprised you even opened the door.”

He huffed out a short breath in a facsimile of a laugh. “Not getting much sleep these days.”

“That’s something we’ve got in common.” You crossed your arms across your chest and let out a loose sigh, eyes wandering around in an attempt to think of what to say next. It should’ve been so easy, but… but for some reason, it just wasn’t.

“Guess so.” That awkward silence stretched out once more, neither of you knowing how to fill it. Thankfully, Mike continued to take the plunge, but it wasn’t without a slight barb. “What are you doing here?”

“I—” you stopped just as you had begun, because you really didn’t know. You had come here for help, but could Mike really do that for you? He was the same as you — a fucked up teenager trying to deal with something so far beyond him.

“I don’t know,” you admitted as you made eye contact once more. “I… I really don’t know. I’m out of options, and… I can’t keep going like this. So I came here to talk, or— or to try and get some help. I don’t know.”

That same silence filled the air once more, the night ambiance the only thing in between the two of you. You missed when that silence used to be comfortable, but… you could only blame yourself for it.

“So— so, what?” he asked, the beginnings of a frown starting to crease his brows. “You just— we go through all that together up there, and then when we get back down you don’t say a word for months. And now— now, out of nowhere, in the middle of the night, you just show up and ask for help?”

“God,” you muttered. When he put it that way, it was true. It was ridiculous, to expect his help after the way you had just left him to deal with it all on his own for a reason borne of your own insecurity. “You’re right. This was— this was stupid. I’m sorry.”

You had already turned to go when you felt a calloused hand on your shoulder, causing you to stop in your tracks.

“No.” His voice was surprisingly soft as he sighed, stepping back with a shake of his head to make room in the doorway. “No, I—” Mike paused for a moment, as if he couldn’t find the right words to say. “I’m sorry. You can come in. Obviously, you can come in.”

Your eyes widened slightly as you tried to hide your shock at the gesture, but you weren’t about to turn it down. You nodded, and he stepped aside to make space for you to walk in. When you did, you were met with a mess not unlike the one back at your apartment, save for the beer bottles. Clothes were strewn about haphazardly on every surface, so you took a seat on a clean spot on the floor, leaning back against a chair and pulling your knees up to your chest. You actually preferred it this way — it was grounding, in a literal sense. Mike pushed aside a laundry basket and did the same, but pulled one leg up and let the other lay extended.

“Why?” he asked suddenly, breaking the silence that had been accumulating once more. “Why did you just…” he gestured around with his hands to try and get his point across but ultimately settled with a sigh. “You didn’t say anything. You didn’t try to text, or call, or write, or— or anything. Hell, I would’ve probably jumped to get a messenger pigeon from you. But it was just… radio silence.”

You picked at the dry skin on your thumbs as you tried to come up with an answer. “I… I don’t know,” you repeated. “It was stupid, and it was horrible of me to leave you alone. I mean… I don’t know why I did it. I know what I’ve been going through, and I know you’ve been going through the same. So I don’t know why I didn’t try to reach out and see how you were doing.”

He chuckled mirthlessly as his eyes swept over the empty bottles that had accumulated on the coffee table. “I’m not the best with alone.”

“I know,” you said quietly. “I thought…” you shook your head as you looked at the ceiling. “I thought that you hated me. I know that you cared about them all more, you were closer to all of them, and… and I thought you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. That I would just always be a reminder of what you lost. And… and, I don’t know. Maybe it was my way of trying to move on. Was a stupid fucking idea, though.”

That got a genuine laugh out of him as he ran a hand through his hair. “I guess I get that. I dunno why I didn’t try to talk to you either. Maybe since you didn’t say anything, I didn’t want to either. This whole thing fucked me up.” His gaze moved to you. “Fucked us both up.”

“You can say that again,” you muttered as you tapped your fingers on your knees. “I can’t look anywhere without seeing them. I mean, I see that fucking…” you grimaced. “I see Josh, and I see what that thing did to him, and I just— I’m right back to step one.”

He swallowed hard and nodded. “...yeah. That was seven layers of fucked up.”

“You can’t just keep saying everything was fucked up,” you said dryly. “It was shitty, too.”

Mike snorted, some kind of slightly masochistic humor going on between the two of you. “Nothing really gets the point across like fucked up.”

“Guess you’re right,” you finally conceded with a small smile. “This is… this is nice. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to… I don’t know, to talk to someone like this.”

“It is,” he murmured.

Another pregnant pause hung in the air, but the silence wasn’t as uncomfortable now. Trickles of what it used to be like, of your old life, were beginning to poke through.

“I never hated you,” he said suddenly. Your eyes flicked up to meet his, and it was like his brown eyes were piercing through you as he continued. “I never did. After it happened… yeah, I was mad. I was fucking pissed, but it was never at you. You were my friend too, y’know? Even though we weren’t that close, we were still… we were still something. And I’m glad you made it. I just wish you hadn’t convinced yourself that you had to go through this alone. Maybe things would’ve turned out different, these past few months. For both of us.”

You nodded, choosing to avert eye contact first because you almost couldn’t handle the sincerity. Your heart sank a bit at the sight of all the beer bottles, and you knew that he was right. Maybe things would’ve been different if the two of you had weathered it together from the start. And so you said that.

“I still can’t help but feel like I’m to blame for—” you gestured around at the mess with a sigh, “for this.”

“Look.” His voice was raspy as he ran a hand through his disheveled hair, and as he met your eyes once more you were able to see how truly exhausted he was. With dark circles that matched your own, scars that were still healing, and a certain hollowness behind his eyes… It was like looking in a mirror. And it made you realize how fucked up the two of you had really become.

Mike had always been good at holding himself together, putting up his signature egotistical-douchebag-jock act in the face of anything that threatened to tear him down, and more often than not he came out victorious. But not even class presidents were immune to the horrors that they had faced, and it was taking more of a toll on him than you had realized.

“It’s not your fault. You— you did everything you could; I know I’m still alive because of you. Besides, we were idiot teenagers — we still are — and none of them deserved to die because of it. Not Hannah, not Beth, not any of them.” Mike shook his head and sighed. “Not even Josh. Man was fucked up even before all of this, but he didn’t deserve what happened to him. He needed help, but instead he got his fucking… god. I can’t even say it. But he didn’t deserve it.”

You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding, the subconscious process having stopped because of the weight of his words. It was cliche, but you didn’t know how much you needed to hear those four words: it’s not your fault.

“Maybe you should be my therapist,” you joked weakly. But as you let your eyes trail back to Mike you bit your lip. He hadn’t included himself in that statement, and it wasn’t too hard to figure out why.

“Mike… it wasn’t your fault either. You’re not just saying bullshit to try and make yourself feel better, it really wasn’t your fault. What do they say? ‘Getting through your guilt is the first step to recovery’ or some shit? You deserve to be here just as much as I do.”

“But it was,” he insisted. “It’s easy for you to say that. You tried to stop it, I… I just went along with it. Fuck, I started it all. Hannah and Beth went missing because of me, Josh went out of his fuckin’ mind, and if he hadn’t brought us all back up there for his revenge plot then they wouldn’t have died. How is it not my fault? Why do I get to live when all of them died because of me?”

“Mike,” you sighed. “I… I don’t know. I don’t know why we made it back when none of them did, but it’s not your fucking fault, okay? You— yeah, that prank was fucking stupid, but— but how could you know what was going to happen?” You huffed a laugh that was only slightly unhinged. “People pull pranks all the time. Native American legend cannibal spirit things don’t try to kill people all the time. You can’t keep blaming yourself. It’s not going to help them, and it’s not going to help you.”

That silence stretched out once more as he took in your words. You didn’t know if he believed them or not, but you did. That had to be worth something, right?

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” he muttered, breaking the silence once more. “And I… I don’t know. I don’t know why it took almost fucking dying from those goddamn things, a— and seeing what happened to all of them...”

“I don’t know,” he repeated, leaning back against the foot of the sofa. “All the shit that happened, all of them dying — I don’t know how long it’ll take until we’re okay again. Hell, I don’t even know if we ever will be okay again. What happened up there was fucked up in the worst way, and the fact that no one believes us makes it a hell of a lot worse.”

You chuckled darkly as you cupped one hand in the other. “You can say that again.”

His lips twitched for a moment as if he wanted to smile but ultimately thought better of it. “I know we aren’t that close anymore, but the truth is we’re the only ones on this fuckin’ planet that know what really happened up there. We’re the only ones that will ever really understand what happened to us, and… and I think we’re the only ones that can really help each other through this shit.”

He met your eyes once more, something resolute in them. “So the next time this happens, because it will, if you don’t want to be alone… you can come here. Any time, any day, no questions asked. Just knock on that door, and I will be there. No more isolation, no more trying to get through this on our own. We gotta be there for each other, because we’re all we have.”

You nodded gratefully, a feeling of warmth slowly creeping through your body with his reassurance. “Thank you, Mike. You… you have no idea what this means to me.”

“I think I have some clue,” he murmured.

As you exchanged weary smiles, you saw a faint twinkle in Mike’s eyes. He was always the kind of person to help others, even if it was for the wrong reasons, and that was one thing that stuck with him after the disaster. And in that moment, a long lost feeling washed over you — safety.

You hadn’t felt safe in… well, it seemed like forever. Adrenaline and pure instinct were responsible for getting you through those twelve hours, along with an overwhelming wave of numbness and denial. But once all of that wore off, the nightmares had begun. Your friends, the Wendigos, the mountain itself — anything and everything that your mind could use against you, it did.

It was a living hell. You could hardly ever sleep anymore, horrific images always jolting you awake after an hour or two and keeping you awake for the rest of the day. It was no wonder Mike had ended up with a drinking problem — it was probably the only way he could sleep, the only way he could bring some form of peace to his mind. By some miracle, you had avoided that fate, but… you would be lying if you said you hadn’t come close.

But somehow, for some reason, you could tell that things were going to be different. Now that you and Mike weren’t avoiding each other anymore in the name of painful memories… you felt like things were going to be okay. Or as close to okay as you could get these days.

You weren’t alone, and neither was he.

He had saved your life on the mountain more than once. Now, he was saving you again. Just in a different way.

perm tags: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77

ud tags: @kwyloz

#mike munroe #mike munroe x reader #mike x reader #until dawn x reader #until dawn #until dawn fic #mike until dawn #sadie writes #i always get so insecure when i post things that arent for atla #then i remember that. this is my blog and i can write what i want #lol

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