#i removed it the post from the tag but now i literally dont know how to tag it so that ppl who want to avoid discourse can.

[lorisystem]

#lorisys #im not alone in thinking this btw <3 <3 i saw several diagnosed DID systems talk about this one of which identifies also as a tulpamancer. #so miss me with that dumbass gatekeepy shit. #sysmeds will literally take real things that happen to diagnosed systems and say you cant do that. #im sorry but just bc YOU havent split alters on purpose doesnt mean nobody can. #byeee #i removed it the post from the tag but now i literally dont know how to tag it so that ppl who want to avoid discourse can. #idk how to use tumblrs tagging system #its so awful wtf

[poisonedprose]

hii i saw that thing about you guys being ashamed about thinking of leon using a knife on you and then you said “i am even more ashamed to admit how many times ive almost written this”

please you literally need to write something like oh my god the way you write stuff is amazing and im sure that if you did write something like that it would be so good and sheet grabbing even if it’s something short 𖦹☆

₊˚✧ slice — in which leon fucks you with his knife after work

leon kennedy x afab!reader

warnings: 1k words, smut, @spideychai i know you dont read much smut but it only felt right to tag you, inspired by this post, pet names (princess, love, good girl, slut), curse words, pwp, kinda ooc, bit of sadism, bit of dacryphilia, bondage, leons a tiny but drunk, (bloody) knife obvi, mentions of killing, sir kink

masterlists

Leon had a habit of taking his pent up anger and stress out on you. He would fuck you dumb with his fingers until you were sobbing and begging for his cock to fill you up. He loved the way you bucked your hips with your wrists tied to the bedpost, just aching to feel his hard cock throb against the walls of your dripping cunt. He loved when your mind went all hazy when he shoved his whole length in your cunt without warning, chuckling sadistically at the way you almost came the second you felt his thick cock.

This time was different though. He came home from work angrier than you've ever seen him. He didn't even greet you as he walked past you, just heading straight to the fridge and pulling out an ice cold beer. He practically chugged the bottle, leaving the empty, save for a few drops, bottle on the counter before finally acknowledging you. "Bedroom. Now." He ordered and you'd be an idiot not to comply. 

He grabbed another beer before following you into the bedroom, watching your ass as you walked. You sat on the bed without having to be told, he sipped on his beer as he thought about what he wanted to do to you. The smirk on your face told you, you wouldn’t be getting off easy tonight. He stood in front of you as you sat on the bed. 

He looked down on you, his gaze was almost condescending but, fuck, his lustful eyes were too gorgeous to ignore. His gloved hand caressed your cheek, sliding down your face to hold your chin, his bottle of beer still in his other hand. He takes a sip, his gaze immediately falls back on you after he does. "You know the drill." He instructs in a raspy voice, lust mixed with alcohol was always a sexy combination for him, especially when he didn't change out of his work uniform or remove any of his gear.

You began to undress per his orders. Your clothes fall into a nice pile on the floor. You lay back on the bed, goosebumps forming on your bare skin and your nipples hardening. He gets on the bed as well, putting his beer on the nightstand. He sat on his knees as he hovered above you, one of his knees between your legs, dangerously close to your cunt. He brushes some of your hair out of your face as he lightly drags his fingers over your clit.

His fingers were slow as they caress your puffy clit. Quiet moans left your sultry lips. You waited for the moment he plunged his thick digits into your glistening hole but he never did. There was a devilish smirk on Leon's face, he was plotting something. He pulls his fingers away from your clit, dragging them up your body, leaving a trail of your slick up your body. His fingers land at your mouth, silently, he instructs you to suck. His knee replaces his fingers, pushing up into you to keep you wet for him.

You swirl your tongue around his fingers wishing it was his cock. He smiles at your obedience, pulling his fingers out of your mouth and giving you a praiseful kiss on your cheek. He was eerily quiet but the mystery was what excited you the most. He reaches to his chest, grabbing his knife out of its holster. The blade of the knife was covered in blood. Something about seeing Leon holding his knife that was probably used to kill countless enemies, even still being covered in blood, excited you and terrified you at the same time.

He wipes the blade on his dark blue shirt, the staining not very noticeable. "Open your legs, princess." His voice was softer than it was before, basically telling you there was still time to back out. You opened your legs wider with no hesitation, enjoying the switch up of the normal routine. He leans over and spits on your cunt, rubbing the liquid all over your pussy for more lubrication. 

You gasp when you feel the cold handle of his knife run between your folds. You grip the sheets between your fingers as he teases your entrance. Your hips buck and he's quick to hold your hips down with his other hand. "Leon..." You whine breathlessly to which his smirk widens. "Yes, my love? Is something wrong?" He asks cockily as he continues to tease you.

You whine again, knowing he was deliberately fucking with you but the new, foreign feeling felt too good to risk, so you just stayed quiet. "Yeah, gonna be quiet like a good girl?" He leans over and whispers in your ear, followed by kissing your neck. You nod, keeping quiet beside your moans as he finally stops teasing you and slides the handle of the knife into your soaked cunt. 

He leans back and watches your face contort in pleasure and your back arch as you shove your head into the pillow beneath you. "Oh, fuck," He chuckles lowly, his laugh full of breath. "Look at you." He praises, watching with an amused smile. "This feel good, slut? Hm?" You nod incoherently as you push yourself deeper into his knife. "Yeah, bet it does." His free hand rubs over your abdomen before his thumb starts rubbing fast circles on your clit. 

"Bet my cock would feel even better? Wouldn't it, love?" He smirks and for a split second, you actually believe he might not tease you all night as you approach your orgasm. "Yes, yes, yes!" You moan like a pornstar, embarrassingly close to your release. "That's too bad." He chuckles quietly as he stops all pleasure, removing his thumb from your clit and pulling the knife away from you. 

You whine, disappointed that he was denying your orgasm. "Be a good girl and I'll go easy on you." He promises in a sinful tone as he drags the blade of the knife across your boobs. "Got it?" He asks, still fiddling with the knife that’s being dragged all over your body. "G-Got it, sir."

‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎┊ㅤㅤ💋 ㅤㅤ ﾟㅤㅤ ┊‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎

#! 𖦹 ₊˚✧ re . #first of all ily anon #second of all thank you for reqesting this #leon kennedy #leon kennedy x reader #resident evil #leon kennedy smut #leon x reader #resident evil 4 #resident evil x reader #resident evil smut

[themoonstarwarrior]

Well, I haven't seen the episode yet, but since it sounds like BloodMoon is refusing to be saved, imma go ahead and share the idea I mentioned to @twinanimatronics about how Sun could've possibly reached them.

Obviously BloodMoon wont sit still and listen so this scenario has Sun use star power to trap BM just like old moon did to him with Moon on standby to come in once the 5 minutes are up.

Basically, Sun asks them WHY they kill and hurt people and BM brings up the main three reasons: they enjoy it, they dont want to be a tool, and they hunger. Since literally none of the protags have actually asked, Sun would be surprised that theres more than the first reason and interrogate to get to the bottom of it. Cuz what Sun realizes is that BloodMoon doesnt have any deeper motives or desires because of their eternal hunger. Their ENTIRE existence has circled around violence to satisfy their hunger. They get used to satisfy their hunger. They enjoy the rip and tear because it stops the hunger.

They have always been a tool to the hunger.

So Sun offers the one thing that no one has: what if they get rid of the hunger?

BM is confused cuz all they've ever known is the hunger, and Sun has to dig the point home by explaining how they can keep killing but it'll come back, and probably stronger. They could kill everyone and everything but then the hunger will come back. And the only thing thatll be left to kill is each other.

And THAT freaks them out, because that is the only thing BloodMoon stands to lose is the brotherhood. (And while BM1 would probably race about lies and trickery, BM2 cant deny the logic)

So with BM actually realizing how their hunger endangers them, and Moon at this point just WAITING to finish them off, Sun lays down the ultimatum. Since no change of heart can happen if all they've ever known is hunger, Sun/Moon/Solar can try and remove it to and see if the twins can be rehabilitated, otherwise Moon ends them then and there.

And I love this idea so much!!! It addresses the REAL block that BM has that hasnt been brought up since that one episode where they kill the anime girl. We get to keep BloodMoon, since the creators went to the trouble of bringing them back and giving them a new model so it'd be a lil annoying if they just ended up killed again. It acknowledges how much BM has been used and brushed aside while admitting that there hasnt been much else to them. And you could have a whole rehabilitation arc, with everyone healing and BM given a real change and actual honesty, since god knows no one is gonna be mincing words. And I imagine their blood-hunger being removed ends up like the Ruin Virus a bit, where getting rid of it cuts down a LOT of the more sadistic urges. So the boys get a mostly-tamed but still-pretty-fucking-insane BloodMoon Twins that basically is just the feral crazy guy that hangs around Animal from Muppets lol and idk stays with Monty cuz hes more easygoing on the violent habits and they need to NOT be anywhere near the daycare.

And maybe I'll watch the episode and be alright with it, but it just sucks cuz this would work SO GOOD and I know the showrunners wouldn't do it. So now I've had to make this fucking long ass post and y'all hafta deal with it.

And maybe someday I'll write a drabble this and the other SAMS scenes I've imagined...

So yeah, sorry about the rambling and shit. I hate how emotionally involved I get with this show that I love. And I'll go ahead and tag @garbagechocolate out of obligation X)

#god this fucking show #thank you ceph for letting me rant earlier #apparently this needed to be released into the void so hopefully its not a bother to everyone #tsams #sams #the sun and moon show #sun and moon show #fnaf bloodmoon #sams bloodmoon #tsams bloodmoon #moonstar wont shut up

[aestian]

some of the posts in the murderbot tag are confusing bc they're asking questions that are straight up answered by the books and i don't quite know if people are really asking or like if it's just for fun? yes Murderbot uses air to speak, Network Effect straight up says that ART beats MB and the Humans to speaking bc unlike them it doesn't have to draw breath. Yes secunits are made with human DNA bc they're bot human constructs, but it is cloned DNA which is mentioned in All Systems Red. Extrapolating from the worldbuilding, likely this is a DNA bank taken/made from the legions of enslaved workers the corporate systems have amassed over the years, mined from them for sale by a corporation the way even ambient conversation is mined for sellable data. It's not likely secunits have human "parents" out there somewhere. MB does talk about the origin of bot human constructs being made from voluntarily donated human tissue/bodies from humans with terminal illnesses, and how in the media about this, sometimes characters used know the person that the security construct was now made of/from, but they were all still friends and treated in the media as normal and not the terrifying murder machines that secunits are viewed as. MB finds this odd. Also MB refers to the bond company that created and owned it as The Company in its logs deliberately — it isn't compelled to do so. it autoedits any mention of The Company's actual name and replaces it with the words "The Company." We learn this in Network Effect during its pseudotherapy sessions with Dr. Bharadwaj, who notes explicitly that MB is doing this and in fact is doing it right at that moment as they are speaking. She suggests this is related to The Company's logos that are still on parts of MB's body or internal structure that are impossible to remove. She knows it's impossible bc MB tells her itself, which she notes means it definitely has tried to remove them, and further notes its previously demonstrated hatred of logos. She then suggests that MB consider going through trauma therapy itself. This whole thing is there to illustrate that the reasons that MB autoedits any mention of The Company's name is that bc of its own trauma around it, MB can't stand to even hear/record/acknowledge the name of The Company, which is literally like etched onto its bones like a permanent brand of ownership.

idk this is rambling and just for me but again there were just so many posts recently since SC came out where I'm like....but those are ones we have answers to already for sure. im barely awake enough to tell if these are actual question posts or not which is why i dont want to reply to them in case they're for funsies but the answers are in the books for these if anyone is wondering/looking.

#anyway im going to sleep #again #the murderbot diaries

[strawbearyhoney]

Just say you hate ppl with eating disorders and go

if someone were to promote depression ( literally using a pro-depression tag and telling other people how to get more depressed and encouraging others to self harm and be miserable ) and i said ' tumblr should block that tag ' would you say i hated ppl who suffer froam depression . lol

i have ppl close to me who have suffered from eating disorders and i have a complicated relationship with food myself . its one thing for ppl struggling with an ed to have a space to talk about it , to connect with other people going through the same thing , even to vent about it / their challenging thoughts and talk about when they relapse . its another thing entirely to make posts like " fat ppl are ugly disgusting monsters you have to be skinny pale and frail to be worth anything or beautiful " and then plop urself right into an echo chamber of people obessing and nodding along liek yes yes i must be thin i must be thin all i want is to be thin im disgusting

you are going to die . full stop . you are going to die . your organs will fail and your hair will fall out and your teeth will wear down from the acid of you throwing up so often . you are going to die and it wont be pretty . you are going to die if you do not get out . eating disorders kill people , full stop . liek i need you to understand how serious this is . you either recover or youre dead . this isnt me saying " i dont liek that these people are talking about something thats bad " or " ppl struggling with this should have no spaces to talk about what theyre going through " , this is me saying " the pro ana tag is so incredibly dangerous and tumblr should block it liek theyve blocked countless of other way less harmful tags " . this is me saying im begging you to do some reserach to get out of the echo chamber and i know its not that easy and you cant just say ' wow ur right im healed now thanks ' , but you have to want to get better and that starts with cutting out " thinspo " and to stop encouraging eachother to slowly kill yourselves

liek there are a host of other problems too . the fatphobia is an obvious one , but also the colourism , racism , etc . the pro ana / thinspo communities are obsessed with reaching this ideal of a skinny pale waif , so many blog titles and urls are centered around being ~ fragile ~ and ~ pure ~ and they only ever focus on white girls ( or apparently kpop stars now ) . its an incredibly toxic place . " meanspo " is a thing now ?? i couldnt stomach too much of it

but without getting into the ~ discourse ~ or how ~ problematic ~ those communities are . putting that aside . youre going to die . full stop you either recover from an ed or it kills you . and some people with eds are suicidal and that wont deterr them , for some their goal is to wither away into nothingness . ppl with eds are not healthy , mentally or physically , and that is not a moral judgment , it is a fact . people get eds for all sorts of reasons , from trauma ( abuse , bullying , sa , etc ) , from being fat in a fatphobic world , because they latch onto food as something they feel liek they can control-- there's so many reasons , an endless amount of reasons . i am not here to shame anyone for having an eating disorder

that does not change my stance on the fact that the " pro ana / thinspo " tags ( and their copycats . #proana #proed #thinspi #thinspii #thinspø #thinsp0 #ed not sheeran #ed not sherran #ana miaa etc etc ) are dangerous and should be removed . similar to how someone going into tha #depression tag and promoting and encouraging others to kill themselves should be banned

srsly if someone went into tha #depression tag and started posting and commenting on others posts liek " kill yourself , its never going to get better , heres some accessible ways to die , heres some suicide inspo , heres cute suicide note ideas , kill urself just die prove everyone wrong , everyone will be so sorry and regret the way they treated you , just die " , people would mass report them and dogpile them and be angry at them and get them banned . but when pro ana ppl do it suddenly its " let us cope " lol ????? not all coping methods are good or healthy or should be encouraged / promoted . and self mutilation is one thing , but when you are actively harming others it cant be left alone

to quote Blythe Baird from her spoken word When The Fat Girl Gets Skinny : if you are not recovering , you are dying

#anorexia #bulimia #eating disorders #suicide #suicidal idealation #fatphobia #<- for blacklist

[sio-lokistiel]

Hi!! So I'm a fairly strong chuck won believer (i have been given some Extremely convincing evidence and I think its interesting to think about so) but I saw a post you made about how that theory disregards cas and jacks arcs and I was just wondering if you could expand on that? I'm super open to interpretations lol and I'm really curious to hear the other side (i haven't seen too much anti chuck won stuff so I dont know the arguments)

Okay, oh boy. I guess part of it is what exactly you mean by “Chuck Won” because I understand it on a censorship level. Yes, Chuck was representing the network. Yes, the network meddled and cut Dean’s reciprocation and we ended up with that garbage finale with pages of [OMITTED] in the script. So, if that’s all you mean by “Chuck Won” then yeah, whatever I guess.

Idk, some people probably feel it’s a legitimate theory simply because Dean died. It seems a lot of the fandom thinks death = bad…and that’s just not the case now that Jack freed the souls. I mean, I can throw quotes from The Mummy and Lord of the Rings at you about how death is the next step in journey. So while I’m no longer upset about Dean dying in general, especially because it was foreshadowed, the way he died was so fucking dumb. That doesn’t mean I think it has anything to do with Chuck.

Cas’ arc was all about self-actualization. His speech in Gimme Shelter explains a good part of it with how he found purpose having a family and becoming a dad, BUT him also realizing that having himself is important, too. Then, oh goodness, we reach the culmination in Despair (The Truth) when he realizes happiness is in the saying, in accepting your truth, both the good and bad bits of yourself. The Empty comes and he reintegrates with his Shadow to become whole and saves Dean, the world, and himself in the process. Yes, that’s a whole bunch of Jungian psychology stuff and it’s a lot to process and I’m probably not doing the best job of explaining it. Most of the Chuck Won theory stuff I’ve seen ignores all that and seems to ignore the canon that Cas IS in heaven. I understand the disappointment of Cas and Dean not reuniting, YET. Corporate fuckery (and Covid) kept it from happening in the finale with the original Roadhouse ending that was planned and then scheduling conflicts and Jensen and Misha agreeing Cas needed more than a cameo kept him from being in The Winchesters.

And Jack. Jack was literally the whole goddamn point. The two big things are he’s possessed and sometimes dead because of this, or he is corrupted somehow. I have never seen a convincing damn argument for either of these things. There’s one post that tries to compare some his mannerisms to Chuck, but is filled with so much straw grasping and reaching I’m surprised the author didn’t need a doctor afterward. Another is that some people project on the poor boy so much and just they don’t like his arc, they want to think something is wrong. There is a lot more Pagan stuff about Jack and the number of mythologies where some god is brought down by being a power hungry dickhead and that comes back to bite them in the ass as a grandchild in Jack’s case removes them from power. There are better people to explain all the Pagan imagery surrounding Jack; my tag #jack is the orphic egg should get you to some really good stuff. I’m also not down to argue about how the last 3-5 seasons are meant to read with a Pagan lens. There was one group who predicted the end of the mothership months in advance and then all of The Winchesters and it wasn’t the people clinging to some white Christian reading.

Last thing, I just personally find the theory really lazy as well. I would legitimately be so disappointed in Jensen and whoever ends up writing the next chapter whether that’s Robbie or someone else if they went that route. Luckily, they are all smarter than that and I can see them seeming to lean into it, but then having the most fabulous rug pull! This is very long, oops.

#jack kline #castiel #spn #spnwin #fuck chuck won #anon ask #hermeticism #long post

[unstabull]

TW victim blaming, mis-gendering in screenshot

TW personal mentions of my own abuse /trauma

warning for a long post

So I was going to just block and move on but considering @bcbdrums decided to post a screen shot with my username and tag the whole soul eater fandom in an attempt to, I dunno, shame me? I feel I need to at least say SOMETHING on my own behalf. I am trying to learn I matter and can stand up for myself and I think this is a good time to practice that.

So when the original post was made, in my head I was thinking to myself "I didn't tag or say who said the thing, I simply made it known the thing was said, so I could give my own opinion" and although I was a bit nervous in the end I decided this is my blog and I am allowed to have and even share an opinion.

I am a nervous mentally ill trauma survivor myself hence why I love Crona in the first place, so when I first even noticed the comment on my original post I was filled with immediate fear, because I had already openly disagreed with this person before. Now after some hours of panic and my mate waking up, so they could tell me what the comment said in the first place, (I was too frozen with fear to even go on the app), they suggested I not delete my post (which was my immediate reaction) and instead just block and remove the comment.

I did this because one I wasn't looking for an argument or a discussion, if I was I'd of reblogged the original post where the original thing was said. Two the reply itself was talking about how "the quote in that book meant adult child relationship-" I literally addressed this first thing by saying that no adults, in the universe in which we are discussing, are offering that help. So by starting with that they were ignoring what I already said. Three if you innately hate Crona why are you even near my blog? Personally I hate soul x maka and I could go comment on everything to do with it, but guess what? I don't, because I don't need to.

Now, when I was shown parts of a post, you ask why no one will talk to you about this ship, and instead they block or ignore you. From just a small search from back at our first interaction, I found many posts proving it would of been pointless to try discussing anything with you. One of the most concerning to me was this one:

you clearly hate Crona (and misgender them). In this post, you victim blame an abused child saying that they're willing in their actions? "Dont care if (their) mom was horrible that's no excuse" You are blaming an abused teen for doing what their abuser tells them they must, this kid is 15 and been groomed since day one of its life, and you're calling them cold blooded and willing? meaning they feel nothing no remorse and want to do these things? that's literally not true you are just insanely bias by your hate. If you actually understood what abused kids go through and feel you would know Crona had no options and deeply truly felt it had no choice. Even Maka understood this.

Now I'm not gonna continue about that or even go out of my way to pull any "evidence" for you on why Crona was clearly unwilling, because of posts like this:

"Crona should have died" like why the hell should anyone even attempt talking to you about this subject, when you're saying stuff like this? "It would have made Crona's story meaningful" you've obviously made up your mind that Crona is some heartless monster undeserving of forgiveness, and will forever be guilty in your eyes, so the idea you really believe you are capable of discussing this topic is ridiculous. And I'd like to stress again, you are talking about a mentally ill, abused 15 year old in the above post... fictional or not, I find your hate towards this abused teen disturbing. I really can't even imagine how you would view and treat real victims of abuse. I mean again even if it's fiction, you openly think a teenager deserves to die because in your eyes its the only way they can, what? "repent"? Like honestly that's pretty ableist in my opinion. The fact you can't accept that Crona is worth helping and deserves to be saved shows just how little you got out of this series.

Now I am going to discuss more personal topics and down to why I felt I truly needed to say something in the first place.

As previously stated I am an abuse and trauma survivor myself, I have been through a lot, and my first abuser was my older brother, and therefore I could not get away from him. Having a family member abuse you from day one and constantly be in power of you, and above you, and stronger than you, is extremely detrimental. I had him bullying me almost 24/7 growing up until I was finally about 11 or 12 when he went to live with my bio father. I was SO relieved he was leaving I cried with relief and couldn't wait till he left. And It wasn't until a couple of years later when I was about 14 that he came back. I was terrified. Now here's where people assume I should have said something or done something or perhaps even isolated completely to get away from my abuser (I did that near the end).

Well as a survivor of abuse I tend to always blame myself by default, and back then I had no confidence, I was pretending to be cishet, and also hiding that I wasn't "normal". So when my brother came home I was subservient to him almost immediately. I kept his secrets, I played the role assigned, I was his punchline, I was his errand boy.

Like Crona I felt I had no options and my best choice was to protect myself and to do whatever my abuser wanted and keep them appeased. Even if that meant hiding everything and pretending we were close. Yes Crona is fictional but their character means a lot to people who have been through or are going through abuse like that especially familial. And your comments that Crona is a willing participant and guilty because they do what their abuser says, really is insensitive to people who have been in a situation or are still in a situation in which they must do what an abuser wishes, or believe they must do it.

Now another point you keep bringing up is how "Crona needs therapy" an argument that is moot because no one in the universe in which this character lives is offering such help. And even if they were openly offering therapy to Crona it's still not the only thing mentally ill abused people need. Especially ones that have gone through childhood trauma and continued abuse.

I first went to therapy when I was about 15 or 16, because I was young I was treated as if I had no need to depressed or struggling in the first place. My first counselor not only taught me that masking was best so that I didn't make others uncomfortable, she also would talk about other cases she was working on. I decided to find another. Again because I was young I was not taken as seriously, and because I had learned to mask so well from my last counselor my new one didn't recognize any signs and after a year she "graduated" me. I've tried a few others throughout the years and all to no avail. It took me a bit more than decade from my first counselor to finally find one that knows what they're doing, has been through trauma, and is actually helping me.

"Go to therapy" isn't the magical fix neurotypicals think it is. And asking us to completely open up to strangers in a system that could possibly lock us up and harm us for our thoughts and feelings is such a ridiculous request. Most mental health providers I have met are not trust worthy.

Now that doesn't mean I have said anywhere that therapy doesn't work, or should be avoided or disregarded. But I am also not going to pretend like it's all we need either. I am a mentally ill, trauma survivor and I am so tired of people telling me what I experienced, and what I need. I know exactly what I needed, I was there. And I know what it's like asking adults for help and looking to adults for help and getting none. I don't need to have someone come at me on my private blog trying to convince me that I'm wrong and that I don't know what I'm talking about when I have literally been through a lot of what I discuss. Also I don't need someone framing it like me posting on my personal blog about a book on trauma and a fictional character is "spreading misinformation" that's ridiculous. I have done nothing wrong.

As someone with experience being abused and being through trauma I know for a fact if I had, had someone near me, near my age to befriend me, and that I could trust, that would have done me a lot of good. Not because they would have "fixed" me but because I would have gradually started to learn that I am capable of being loved, and that I deserve good things. A very important step for those of us with trauma.

And in conclusion I want to say this whole thing has been quite ridiculous. The fact there was even a need to publicly post the screen shot with my username included in the first place, along with adding the tags to the main fandom to, again I can only assume, try to shame me? is just weird to me in general, and all this because I blocked someone for my own wellbeing. This is all I have to say on the matter, I felt I should stand up for myself, and after seeing a screen shot of this person saying they "really want it to be explained to them" I decided to give the reasons why I don't bother discussing topics with people like that, and people who think in the ways shown in the above screen shots, there is nothing to be said, because they are never going to listen. I hope this marks the end of whatever this has been, I have said what I feel I not only have a right to say but honestly should say.

I want to thank whoever reached the end of this post I appreciate your time, and if you agree with either of the screenshots above we should now part ways.

#UNSTABULL #mental illness #mental health

[natjennie]

i dont want to make a bad faith interpretation, but it seems like people in the ofmd fandom who are maybe used to putting their writing somewhere else or maybe haven't posted writing before are misunderstanding some of ao3's features. which is totally understandable it's an overwhelming website. now I'm not an expert, I dont have like. a degree in database management or library sciences or something, but, as someone who is very particular about the fics I read, I thought I'd say some things.

mainly, tags on ao3 work directly for both what you want to include and what you want to exclude. so, for instance, when I'm searching for an ofmd fic, I can specify ed/stede included, and izzy/ed excluded, so nothing that has been tagged as izzy/ed will populate on the list. but I think writer's don't usually think about tagging their fics with the "negatives" as in, you're usually advertising the selling points rather than potential downsides, right?

and you're looking at your fic from the point of view of the person that wrote it. you know how it ends you know the specifics, you have a biased opinion about the degree to which those things feature in your fic. for example, if you write a line about someone getting stabbed and bleeding, but it's very very minor and vague, you might not think to tag it. but if someone specifically searches excluding blood as a tag, it means they really don't want to see that. so you not tagging it means they might see your fic, read and love it, then get triggered by the inclusion of injuries and blood. even though you knew it was no big deal, the character was fine, there was barely a description. but that's just your perspective.

same with the idea of character death. if they get revived or if they come back as a ghost or something, you might not think to tag it because it's not the main point of the fic, it's not a big deal, it gets resolved. but someone who specifically excludes character death doesn't want to read a character dying. no matter the end result.

do you know what I mean? and I think this gets really prevalent specifically for alternate universes, and the specific tagging etiquette for them.

because, from the writer's point of view, it's a fic about them being doctors. or something. and you've written all these thousands of words about hospitals and medicine and stuff, so you tag it alternate universe - doctors. because that's what the fic is about. but you're forgetting that, by virtue of them being doctors in hospitals and texting and answering calls, they're in a modern au. you didn't think that was the main part of the fic, but someone specifically avoiding- or specifically looking for modern au's is shortchanged by your use of only the tag au - doctors. rather than covering the broad genre first.

and I know you're putting your writing out there for free and you don't owe anyone anything, but ao3 is an archive. it's a database. it's free access to information, and being inaccurate in your labeling is an injustice to you, not getting the credit or audience you deserve, and potential readers, reading something they didn't sign up for, or not being able to find something they want.

think of it like a literal library. when you go to the young adult section, you want young adult novels. if a children's book ended up there because the author neglected to market it as a children's book, you'd be pretty annoyed at the organization of the library. because that's not what you were looking for.

so I guess I mean, for all the memes about those giant blocks of text as tags for crossover fics or w/e, please be generous in your tags. there is no algorithm to ao3, there is no word association by the search engine. when I search, or exclude, cats it is only going to comb through and provide, or remove, fics with the tag cats. nothing else. it works like putting things in quotes in google. please tag your fics as literally as possible.

that's it. rant over. thank you :)

#anyway i mean to say that the tags on ao3 arent like little messages that help you figure out whats going on #thats what the description is for #the tags are literal sorting mechanisms that refine genres #when i exclude alternate universe - modern era. it should exclude all au's set in modern time #i shouldnt have to exclude fucking. chefs and doctors and librarians separately #please tag your fucking modern aus #ofmd

[ransomdemands]

Omg your tags in that post YESSSS

I'm trans masc

Ideally i want to be on T and I get dysphoria from female terms for my body. But it makes me feel dysphoric not having a word at all 🤣

I totally clam up when I speak about it because I literally dont have a tdick. I feel like i'm not in the club 🤣

And I'm not saying, remove the term all together. Absolutely not. But if there was another term that was as trans explicit but not testosterone based, that would be perfect hahaha

Hell, you aren’t saying it but I will. I hope we reach a point where tdick is an antiquated out of date term like so many others the queer community has used in the past.

I know why it’s useful now, hell I use it myself sometimes, but it definitely excludes folks like you who haven’t undergone hrt and especially those who don’t intend to. Y’all deserve to be included, you deserve to feel seen.

For what it’s worth I think you should feel empowered to use whatever language makes you feel good in your skin. Don’t feel barred from language because it’s not “technically correct” cause in the end the language was created with an incorrect understanding of how gender functions in life so fuck it, call your body what you want.

(Hell, if worst comes to worst I’ll just invent a word and start using it and we can all just agree to the meaning ourselves, that’s how language evolves right?)

PS. To be clear, I don’t believe any medical treatments are required for a trans person to be trans, if you do? Kindly get that T//ERF shit off my blog thanks.

#asks #anon #I hope this made sense #also I will take requests on anatomy descriptions if you have them #ransomanswers

[dreamgirledward]

tag game ! :)

ahh ty for the tags lu & billy ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 @castieldean @manforsale ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to get to know better

name: sammy!

star signs: virgo sun, gemini moon, capricorn rising

height: 5'1"/ 155 cm if u want to laugh at me dw im used to it 🥲

time: 1:32pm

birthday: aug 25

favorite bands: (not all of these are bands!) florence + the machine, bts, tame impala, brockhampton, mitski, paul simon, bruce springsteen, fleetwood mac, orville peck, rina sawayama, christine and the queens, lcd soundsystem, david bowie, joni mitchell, the rolling stones, chvrches, hozier

last movie: thor 💞 and ⚡️ :^)

last show: wwdits 🧛🏼

when i created this blog: 2012 LMAO

what i post: literally anything - im sure most people know me as a spn blog which is fair ! but anyone who knows me knows ive got range (🤡) so ya my blog is whatever i want it to be !!

last thing i googled: "how to remove pages from a pdf without acrobat" SDJKFHSDJKHGF

other blogs: ough i used to have sideblogs but theyre dead now and honestly! im not rly a sideblog girlie, i dont have the energy lol

do i get asks?: depends! for some reason i got a lot when i was busiest last semester but virtually none now. id love to receive more if theyre nice <3

following: .......2197...... that's what happens when you have the same blog for 10 years ig 🤪 i need to go through and unfollow tho im sure 70% of them are inactive or dont interest me anymore

average hours of sleep: maybe 6 or 7 on a good day if i sleep at a relatively normal time (which is like 1 or 2am i know i know that's not good trust me i know) ?? it's usually less tho, and not enough, i frequently wake up very tired

instruments: none i am musically challenged 🥰

what im wearing: a black oversized mitski shirt and black flowy culottes :))

dream job: [a successful] film editor!

dream trip: cant think of a specific type of trip so im just gonna list places ive been wanting to visit: ive wanted to go to hawaii my whole life but i know tourism is fucking the islands up so :''') yeah lol rip, egypt without having to worry about heat stroke so sometime in the spring, iceland would be so sick (actually anything as far up north as you can get would be the sickest), hong kong with my best friends, lots of places! i just really want to travel 😭

nationality: canadian but my ethnicity's egyptian!

favorite songs: pink in the night by mitski (nobody say anything 🔫), immaterial by sophie, graceland by paul simon, hungry heart by bruce springsteen, kalahari down by orville peck, she's a rainbow by the rolling stones, hammond song by the roches, sweet by brockhampton, river by leon bridges, i by kendrick lamar, breathe deeper by tame impala, epilogue: young forever, butterfly, trivia: love, respect, and telepathy all by bts OUGH forgetting so many but i wont bore u these are just what i thought of without checking anything hehe

last book ive read: the marrow thieves by cherie dimaline (for my 20th cen children's literature course, of which this book is not 20th cen but we're doing comparisons rn lol)

top 3 fictional universes id like to live in: billy said wwdits which is a rly good answer. all i can think of is middle earth and specifically the shire bc those hobbits rly do know how to just chill. cant think of anything else skjhdfj

tags! <3

@crosbystillsandhash @taikacohen @bronconatural @monstermoviedean @caskarass @twocarsonenight @hotgirlhirsch @citruscas @danneelswife @emeraldcas @gayangelsmp3 @jewishdeanwinchester @agentgayngel @heartshapedcas @girlblocker @kellyscabin @clairewolf @katebushstandean @skepticalfrogg @risencas

#no pressure of course 💞 #tag game #sammy.txt

[alittleemo]

:/

#So i learned my lesson last time i tried to make a long post in all tags so i gotta be brief ig this time (she deleted last time) #to preface: i dont understand how to use social media #everytime i use facebook?? Makes me want to throw up i Hate it #but INSTAGRAM is my problem here kids bc i simply Do Not Understand how to use it #my sister is def like the preppier more ~socially knowledgeable~ one of us (which is funny bc i have an insta and she doesnt) #but my two main problems with insta are this: #1. I Can Not bring myself to follow people #it does not matter whether you are a friend or literally my cousin for the most part i just Can Not bring myself to press that button #why you ask #bc of my fav phenomenon “everyone i know has forgotten me” + “i cant reach out to other people” ✨ #however the opposite is also true in that ppl i dont know are requesting to follow me and i happened to mention it to my sister #and she was like follow them back dumbass and i was like but i dont know them??? Ive never heard of this person before??? #she was p much like you should let them followyou bc you should have more followers that following and i was like hmm failed that :/ #im p much gonna stop taking her advice but ugh im just frustrated #like the other day i actually followed a friend of mine bc he had been talking about hisinsta so i took it as an opportunity yk?? #and his brother followed me too which i was like ok hes chill were friends w/e weird that he followed me before his brother but ok #(the first kid followed me back later but n e ways and im p sure he did both follows bc he apparently has access to his brothers account ) #but like the fact i had to remove my phone from my area after sending the first follow bc it took energy was just ~depressing~ #i am ~pathetic~ #and i wanna keep insta bc i dont get to see so many ppl now but like i just wanted to complain thanks i apologize if you read this far #personal #about me #i need a rant tag ugh #lee’s bullshit #oh my god i jsut realized its 930 i haven’t eaten dinner bc i ate like half a pizza at 345 and im still not rlly hungry #ill eat i promise tho love yall

[saintflint]

ive been vaguely aware of black sails for a few years now but only just started watching (i'll give you 3 guesses what prompted that lol) and im wondering how canon silverflint is? i know there's a canon gay relationship and ive seen a bunch of posts about them through the years so i'd always assumed it was them, but i went to wikipedia to check and it just lists them as friends. is there actual subtext there or is it a fandom thing? i dont want to dig any deeper bc i want to avoid any actual spoilers, but i would like to know what to expect in this case. thanks in advance :)

[sighs] bestie, here’s the thing and i’ll be kind but real honest with you. i’m gonna need you and anyone and everyone who’s coming straight from the show that prompted you in this direction to completely remove the concept of canon/not canon from your head and any expectations revolving around what you think that means. go ahead i’ll wait. done? ok cool, now if you want the long drawn out answer to your questions, literally just look through my black sails tag for a few minutes, half the content there is silverflint. short answer is yes, and their relationship is the central relationship of the entire series. hope this helps!

#answered #💌: anon #black sails

[dallonm-archive]

REVELATIONS, REVELATIONS | UPDATE #1

Hello y’all! I refuse to believe it’s been 3 and a half months since I last made an update post for this novel because time is not real :) whoops! This has actually been sat in my drafts for like a month though 

A rundown of things that happened: 

We have a new title! I already went into the meta and possible interpretations (it’s ~ambiguous~), so if you want you can read about that HERE.

I did 3 weeks of Nano and wrote 15k words! On the site I recorded 15053 but I think it was more 15.5k? I’ve edited the original doc now so idk but I’m v happy with that!

After that I took a break and a lot of Life Things happened re a certain pandemic that is taking :) all my motivation :) so I didn’t return to drafting until January. I also really struggled to progress with the story and decided the best thing was to revisit what I already had and work on that

It’s not that the original chapters weren’t working, I was just trying to understand the story for the first time and also Nano was such a hazy blur and I’m 99% sure November didn’t happen. I probably won’t revisit a section this intensely again until I’ve finished the draft but at this stage it really helped because the more I worked on it, the more I understood where it had to go next - I know the structure (for now), the basics for the middle and how the story ends :) hehe :) and I don’t think I’d had those revelations (aha) without revisiting this first part. I got to fall in love with the story all over again and I’m very happy with where it’s going!

This intro is already getting so long so I’m just going to jump straight into it because this update is LONG. I’m talking about all the chapters today even though not all of them are new, but since I’ve learnt a lot about them and this is officially update #1 post-nano, it makes sense to talk about all of them! I’m also going to do a new taglist because I see this as a new set of updates also I am awful at keeping up with taglists so! I’m just tagging friends who have already expressed interest + mutuals who I’m like 99% sure want to stay on so! please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed! 

@kowlazovdi​ @isherwoodj​ @avi-burton-writing​ @pamsdrabbles​ @ryns-ramblings​ @kitblogsthings​ @svpphicwrites​ @aetherwrites​ @radiomacbeth​ @bijouxs​ @writerlywonders​ @haldimilks​ @alicewestwater​ @piyawrites​ @coffeeandcalligraphy​ @shaelinwrites​

usual content warnings for religious trauma and cult discussion, specific CWs will come before excerpts!

So I’m currently working with four parts, and I’ve extended the timeline from one year to four years. This suits the story much better BUT pretty much everything here was written before that decision and I do not have the energy to restructure all of it right now :) Each part is split into two sections, one for each POV. So four parts, 8 sections, Felix and Dorothy get four sections each. I let the structure grow with the story but this one is working very well!

Also I started setting my pages to light green and it was LIFE CHANGING. Much kinder on the eyes and just looks so nice?? Calming?? This post is your sign to set your page colour to light green like LOOK

So we have a prologue now!! The story made a lot more sense once I added this because originally the information we learn was just shoehorned into Chapter 1 in a flashback when really we needed to know this information going into it. That being said I struggled with this for a bit just because to justify a prologue I need that information to be conveyed in a way that is completely unique to the rest of the narrative so I didn’t want to just write this as a flashback. I ended up writing it in 2nd person and it came out in a way where it’s not clear which twins POV it is? Like it’s more of a fusion of both of them where neither of them have their own individual identity beyond “the twins” yet. I can’t tell if this is my funky POV peak or a clarity nightmare but I like it! I want it to only be ~500 words so we can take the risk.

In this they’re fourteen and they do a “blood pact” as a way to symbolically cut themselves from their family (aka: their father) whilst they’re still tethered to it. I really love it because not only is it exactly what these slightly unhinged-but-havent-tapped-into-it-yet, co-dependent-and-dont-realise-it kids would do but it immediately brings up the question of family and what family actually is. I’ve also realised a huge idea in this story is the idea of the tangible and for them, the concept of family and blood isn’t tangible so they struggle to recognise its significance (not that it. has any for them in the first place.) but their relationship, seeing each other bleed and pressing the cuts together is. The writing itself is kinda wonky because of the whole funky clarity nightmare POV but here’s a little taste of the ending:

cw: blood

You’ll slink back into your family room to clean and plaster each other’s hands and you’ll ask yourselves: which bloodstains came from who? Who bled the most and who stopped first? Who will come up with the story for the cuts on your palms and who will dispose the bloodied towel? Who is Dorothy without Felix and who is Felix without Dorothy?

Shiny new first chapter! Originally this was in Dorothy’s POV but now it’s switched to Felix and instead of just showing their reunion (which turns out is....very anticlimactic and not appropriate for an opening lol??) we actually explore Felix’s thoughts an actions after he decides to escape the cult, which was a very impulsive decision and spans about a day and a half. This one is definitely gonna take a few drafts to get right because it’s such a delicate but intense event to write and I’m content with the fact that it’s not There Yet but the prose is! I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and it really helped me get back into the swing of loving this story. There’s something very delicate about it but also very troubling under the surface. The opening gave me a lot of trouble, but the first line hits!

The day Felix decides to leave the sun glows the same, and the pine trees breathe the same, and the chapel cross stabs the sky the same. 

Ironically, a good chunk of the chapter happens outside the cult, as Felix decides to spend his final day taking Lola - a woman his age who is literally the only person he likes lmao - to one of the nearby towns. Whilst the main function of the chapter is to introduce the cult itself, it’s also to show how normalised leaving actually is - it’s just every time he’s left has been temporary, and every time he has left, he still feel separated from this “outside world”. They go to a candy store and a thrift store - where Felix lies about his mom (who he hasn’t seen in 20 years) being in hospital so he can use a phone :) Lola is a new character so I don’t have much to say on her, but all I can say is they are wlw and mlm solidarity but also she knows how to read him 

“I don’t know why Dotty and I loved this place so much - we always got  toothaches.”

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“These apple ones are nice, but I think the lime is my favourite. Do you think the apple or the lime is nicer?”

“I think you’re leaving, but I also think you’re scared, so you’re pretending that I’m going to leave with you and that’s why you wanted to go to town. You chose the candy shop because this is where you went the first time you left, but this time you’re not coming back. Does that scare you, Fel?”

And here is my favourite paragraph in the whole chapter because <3 what the fuck <3 and if pine trees are a key Felix symbol no they aren’t 👁️ yes they are

cw: falling out a window? pushing yourself out a window? description of bones breaking

The day Felix decides the leave, when the clouds bleed amber, he pushes the scratched mahogany dresser so it lines with the windowsill, lies on top and hangs his head out. It’s never comfortable, but it’s always peaceful: sometimes cars murmur on nearby backroads, sometimes a wind chime flutters, sometimes brush rabbits rustle in shrubbery and they all breathe the same oxygen as him. He closes his eyes, inhales the pine air, and plays God: pushes himself further out, an inch at a time, until his shoulders cross the line and he wonders what bones would break if he fell. Would he break both arms or one, both legs or one? Would he break his spine? Which vertebra would crack, and how many? Would he feel them all in one big strike, or all the individual bones burst like popping candy? Evening breeze whispers against his face and he could do it right now, leap out the window and if he didn’t break his legs or back he could run to the bushes, to the pine trees, to the road, the town over East or West, the county line.

If Felix hit the ground, would it be because of a freak fall, or because he pushed himself out?

We have to laugh because I’m pretty sure I said in my Nano update that this chapter was the strongest so far besides one scene but when I looked back that scene <3 took up 80% of the fucking chapter <3 So I just said fuck it I’ll rewrite the whole thing for fun!!!! And I love it!!! It’s so jarring compared to Chapter One and that’s the point!! Everything is so over saturated and originally that was just to convey the absolute shock Felix gets from the Major Impulsive Life Decision He Just Made, but now I think it’s intentional on his part and it goes back to the idea of the tangible: whilst he didn’t grow up totally isolated this is still a new life for him, and he has nothing to latch onto, so he looks to his surroundings and hyper-focuses and latches onto it because it’s something that’s now tangible and accessible to him so he sees it in this very bright, romanticised way (the romanticisation of San Francisco is very amusing to me but it’s also very relevant). But even with that he still distances himself from this environment still - the same way he did whilst living in the cult. He has no idea how he wants to exist in this world and he doesn’t even know how to exist yet.

And so it became clockwork: eyes burst open at two, three, four in morning, doesn’t bother trying to fall back to sleep. Lurk into the kitchen, make a coffee or water or whiskey. Sit under the fritzing lightbulb with no shade, think about everything and nothing and everything and nothing. Or go for a smoke, inhale the vapours until it hurts his chest, breathe in the cool air until it hurts his teeth, wander around the block until it hurts his feet. Sneak back into a room that doesn’t belong to him in an apartment that doesn’t belong to him in a city that doesn’t belong to him. Count the bumps in the popcorn ceiling until footsteps sneak down the hall – Dorothy leaving a room that doesn’t belong to her. Join his sister back at the kitchen, she complains that they need to replace the lightbulb. Over pulpy orange juice and scrambled eggs on toast, she retells her dream and lists the possible meanings and he lists his plans for that day on how to immerse in the outside world, familiarise himself with the city until it belongs to him. Travel by trolley for the first time, eat seafood at the waterfront for the first time. Bump into a cherry-headed conure parrot by chance. Climb Twin Peaks and gaze at the new view of home. Trace the outline of translucent mountains in the air and pretend you’ll ever hike them; trace the outline of high rises in the air and pretend you know the people in them. He asks Dorothy when he’ll stop feeling like a tourist – she has no answer for him.

(context: Dorothy’s roommate, Jolie, is out of town at this point, so Dorothy tells Felix to take her room whilst she takes Jolie’s and they’ll sort it out later. Dorothy has no problem sleeping in Jolie’s bed because her and Jolie are Very Good Friends)

I also realised that, in the nicest way possible to November me, that this chapter was so damn boring because it’s very dialogue heavy but in every dialogue moment they are literally just 🧍 doing nothing. So I wrote a scene as a half-joke of Just Met Like Three Hours Ago Beau and Felix going to the arcade and it saved this chapter. It is SO fun but it also comes straight after this very emotionally intense moment and it’s really interesting to see that reach its zenith and then just. fizzle out but linger in the background? I love this scene but I also can’t take it too seriously because they play Frogger and @aetherwrites​ joked that the game’s a metaphor for Felix leaving the cult and I love her and hate her because she is so right I can picture the LIT1000 seminar where that analysis would be made unironically and it’d be ME who makes it and I am so close to just running with that for real. Also these two aren’t love at first sight but the chemistry is so loud like did you two meet today or have you been married for eight years and own five dogs together what’s the truth? Anyway here’s Felix murdering Beau on sight 

“You know, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that good,” Beau says.

“It’s not that difficult, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that bad.”

Beau leans across to shuffle through cassette tapes in the glove compartment. “I’m not, you just got lucky. I let you win.”

“But it’s not even competitive. You just died seven times in a row.”

I’m a little unsure of the pacing for this chapter now because its effectiveness lies in the fact it takes place a week after the previous, and my job with this section post-draft is to stretch it out longer since it only spans three weeks. I’m hoping I can make it work where there’s little time between Chapter 1 & 2 but still cover more time in chapters 3-5 because I think that’d be jarring in the best way? Like the absolute intensity of that initial week quickly dissolving and suddenly he’s been living this life for months he didn’t notice go by. Again <3 a problem for post draft me <3

I don’t have much to say about this one because in Nano I didn’t even finish it, and now I have but it’s still <3 giving me trouble <3 - however I’ve realised this is probably the most important chapter at this stage of the novel because it’s the first full chapter with just the twins, trying to have a bonding moment and catch up but only learning that they a) love each other b) can’t stand each other whilst not realising just yet that they are c) extremely co-dependent. I like to call this novel multiple plot threads in a trench coat and that’s definitely it, the twins have their own individual plot threads separate to one another, but if there’s a central plot (and there kinda is?? its a surprise :) ) at its essence is them realising how fucked up their relationship is, but wanting to rectify that and trying to understand the difference between a tangled and toxic relationship. 

This chapter introduces that each character has a key symbol that’s attached to the world somehow and Felix has chapters like these in his arc where he tries to navigate the state of their relationship (so there’s one later on titled “Ocean (Beau)”) and his associations with them. We have to laugh here because I was really like “oh Dorothy is sapphic so I’ll make her obsessed with the moon” but then it became a major symbol in the story <3 Dorothy IS obsessed with the moon, and Felix is frustrated because he can’t see it the way she does and he feels like part of him is missing because of that, when it’s just a different perspective but nooo these two need to have unhealthy co-dependency and then get mad when they’re unhealthily co-dependent on each other :/ Anyway I’d just like to talk about how Felix’s need to be like his sister in this chapter is demonstrated through a symbol that’s attached way more to her than it is to him even though in the prose he describes the moon as this fragile, breakable thing which is the complete opposite as how Dorothy would and lets talk about the blade mirroring the prologue!!!!

He closed an eye and pointed the blade at the moon. If he could, it’d be so easy: surgeons precision, swift wrist flick, carved and plucked from the sky. Laid out on his palm like tissue paper, half translucent and as breakable as skin - a birthday present for Dorothy, if he doesn’t tear it. He’ll try not to, but it’d be so easy.

In further development of the Moon Imagery, I’ve started using a lot of Star Imagery with Felix and a lot of general space imagery in both of their POVs and I’m delighted to say I have no idea what the meta means with that but I like it!! It fits the story very well and they’re probably mirroring each other or something!

This little chapter taught me that I need to be flexible with form <3 this was originally meant to be the final scene of the last chapter, and I was so hyped because it was one of the first scenes I conceptualised, but then it ~sucked~. However I didn’t realise until recently that it sucked because I was writing it in a traditional storytelling form - which most of this book benefits from, but this moment certainly does! not! I’m really glad because I think this book is the perfect playground for experimental form - although here it’s relatively simple though, most of the setup for this happens at the end of the previous chapter and then this is just all the information condensed as much as possible. This chapter is focused on memories so it really works for it to be cut off from the previous which is in the fictive present, and Felix’s perception of memories right now are ~a little jarring~

The final scene of Moon (Dotty) depicts Felix and Dorothy breaking into a park at 4am, promptly having an argument that results in Dorothy leaving, and Felix sat next to a fountain picking pennies out of it and trying to associate a memory with the year on the back - this chapter is those memories and this introduces the fluid relationship characters have with their past. For Felix, he’s seeing the last 20+ years from a bird eyes view in a very sporadic way and it’s starting to sink in that those 20+ years actually Happened. Some of the memories are very distanced, others are as intense as flashbacks, and some are a mixture of the two. This one is very interesting to me because he completely separates himself from the memory halfway through Fel do you wanna talk about this (unfortunately I cannot drop the name because of plot <3)

cw: light/implied homophobia

IN GOD WE TRUST / 1978

The first time Felix held a boys hand was in 1978 in the back pew at morning service. It was the first time [redacted]’s father preached and they got stuck in the back because they arrived late, because they laid in the grass together, wearing each other’s identical pecan coloured blazers as sunrise peeled back the night, and they slunk into the back of service like ghosts everyone could see and maybe they knew why they were late. [Redacted]’s father had a razor voice and he made sure every word sliced into his son and his son interlocked fingers with the boy next to him. His son didn’t look at the boy he held hands with the same way he’ll pretend his blazer is his and not the boys and the same way he didn’t look at the boy the first time they kissed behind the chapel building and the same way he didn’t look at the boy during Bible study for the week after.

Whilst I’d say in Chapter 2 the chemistry between Beau and Felix is as clear as day this is the first instance where Felix’s queerness is explicitly introduced and I’m taking this chance to say this book gets more queer every fucking week. Like I think in the last updates I was like ohhh sexuality doesn’t play much into Felix’s arc and know it’s like 99% of his damn arc and we LOVE it. But at this point he doesn’t realise like when I tell you guys this man is so repressed

I am literally only putting this here because I talk about all the other chapters and it’s weird to me to leave one out. Also because the graphic and title is pretty. Not gonna lie I love making these posts and that is 10% to ramble about meta 90% making pretty graphics that is literally just cropping photos on Unsplash and putting Garamond text over them <3

Anyway this was originally Lessons in Holy and when I revisited that chapter I realised it was so fucking messy and I tried to fix it but it didn’t really work and I’ve been scared to touch it since. However the meta is top notch so here we are - it mirrors Chapter One, Everything Holy, which explores Felix’s decision to leave the cult and with that, leave God. Everything Holy / In San Francisco explores his relationship (or lack thereof) with God and how much Felix’s life has changed since he left - and how “holy” it is. It definitely goes back to the idea of the tangible because the holiness preached to him growing up was not something tangible to him, whereas with this he looks at real life experiences, so he tries to find holiness in that. It also ties with Cyan City and the romanticisation of San Francisco as something tangible and something he can find holiness in, which a) he needs to learn that things don’t have to be “holy” to be valuable and b) it would be a shame if :) he centred everything good about his life around SF and then :) something bad were to happen whilst living in SF :) the way he and Dorothy both do this

My plan for this is basically: Condense The Shit Out Of It. The hardest part about this chapter is it is very thematic and you know as a lit major (derogatory) I love that but with more theme centric chapters the line between subtle and Too Much can be verrryyy thin, but I think focusing on character exploration over theme will fix that pretty easily. I’d also like to separate the Isaias introduction into its own chapter because it’s such an important moment and November me just? Latched it on at the end? And that plus Felix’s crisis in the same chapter is just too much. This chapter is gonna get changed A Lot but for now here’s Felix’s very chill and relaxed ending to his POV section :)

cw: drowning, drug mention

Felix didn’t speak to God for three weeks and everything unholy became holy: the coffee scorching his throat, the kaleidoscopic t-shirts and high waisted jeans, the punk rock they play at the record store – loud and electric. It’s unholy, but he sleeps through the night now, he folds coloured card into butterflies at breakfast and scribbles biro eyes over the newspaper's sudoku on his lunch break. He earns money and he spends a pinch of it on himself: on new wave records and playing cards and earrings he can’t wear yet. Sometimes he buys marijuana it’s not a sin because marijuana means he only smokes tobacco twice a day now – one at breakfast, one before bed. He bar hops with Beau on Saturdays and hikes with Dorothy on Sundays and he tells strangers he studies American Literature and he smiles with his eyes more and nobody notices that somebody’s holding his head underwater. And he doesn’t know whose hand it is, but it knows how to grip tight. And he doesn’t know how to swim, but he knows how to swallow water. And he doesn’t know if this is the punishment or the sin because the water stings his eyes but he chooses to keep them open, and the water will tangle in his lungs but he chooses to keep his mouth open. And hellfire can’t touch him under here, so he’ll keep swallowing water and it’ll burn him in a different way, and he’ll like how it scorches his throat.

(Once again context I didn’t share because I don’t like the writing that talks about it: Felix has a deep fear of drowning from past trauma, but he’s also very obsessive about it and often imagines himself drowning.)

(also the way these excerpts are just showing off my love for repetition my Intro to Creative Writing Tutor that called repetition lazy is seething rn!!!!)

Overall though, I’m v happy with how this section came out now that I actually know what the story is! As I’ve finished drafting it, I have noticed where the missing plot beats are and this is what I expected because I Do Not have a lot of experience with novels (I’ve never passed 15k on a novel before so we’re in new territory now) and generally struggle to see beats before I finish a draft. I’m thinking there’s at least one chapter missing and maybe a shorter one, like MSATBOTF, but I won’t be touching this section again until I finish the draft. Most of all I learnt a lot about the story’s form and I’m excited to play with that and be a bit more flexible! 

I’m currently drafting Indigo, the first chapter in Dorothy’s POV, and I was going to talk more about it but this post is too long and the next update will be <3 all about her <3. But the chapter introduces her and Jolie’s tumultuous relationship and here’s a lil peak! 

Me, a sapphic, capable of writing happy sapphic relationships: 

Me instead: 

cw: light/implied homophobia

If she didn’t display the ticket on the bedside table - like she had something to prove - she could have easily been in Dallas, in New York, London, Cannes, Moscow, Tokyo, Cairo, Sydney. But wherever she went, Dorothy and Jolie have had four airport reunions before today - four times they’ve had to soften themselves, disguise themselves. Old high school friend flying in to be her maid of honour, college roommates who don’t see each other as a day past eighteen, pen pals reuniting for the first time since the seventies, business trip colleagues in casualwear. The fifth time, there’s nothing to hide, and as they walk to the car, Dorothy has to wonder: if they were seen by nobody, would Jolie have hugged her with both arms? Would she have kissed her? Would Dorothy kiss back?

I’m midway through this chapter, so I’ll keep the rest of it for the next update! That I promise won’t be in three months!

If you read through all of this then I am in love with you <3 

#i'd say im sorry this is so long but it was so fun to write so i'm not! #also pls be proud i cut 2k words from this bc i RAMBLED #atlastracking #writeblr #writing update #revelations revelations

[eggopaw]

Hi!! Another question so heres the thing, im NOT proship! And i dont like what they ship/post/say, but i dont really want to attack them either, if theyre so prideful why would me? (One person) tell them to off themselves? I have no power over them and my opinions are trying to stay away from their… opinions.

Ive talked to proshippers before and before realizing theyre proship ive gotten along with them. Now i feel completely rude and hypocritical to just turn on them, i dont know what to say or what to do without these situations happening again where i befriend a proshipper before REALIZING they rlly are one.

Should i just block these people without saying a thing or getting aggressively involved? This proship and anti fight has been going on for so long theres no stopping either side’s opinions, it would be useless for me to just join in, + rude and hypocritical of me too.

Sorry for the bother! Im just puzzled and im thinking on how to make a post abt this to usher away proships without calling them shit, idk if im just too nice or i feel bad for them.

(the ask that made me realize the ask character limit has been removed)

personally i'd block them and just try to move on? if they contact you afterwards (separate blog or what) just tell them that you're not comfortable with proshippers and if they raise a fuss even after you say it like, calmly and truthfully, then like. just block them again

im a very easy to get along with person irl and theres people ive befriended that ive had to stop talking to because they are homophobic, transphobic, etc etc. it is not hypocritical or rude to end a friendship because of a difference of opinion bc you are not required to get along with people that think differently than you

to prevent it, honestly just make your stance clear? you dont have to be aggressive and throw yourself into their tags and send hate or whatever, literally just putting it in a DNI or posting about being against proshippers' views/whatever should ward at least some of them off

its not rude to say "just so everyone knows, proshippers are not welcome on my blog" bc its YOUR blog and you can curate it how you want

i hope this helps!

#asks #long post

[missjaystone]

What’s up, Doc?

This is my submission for darkficsyouneveraskedfor​ ‘Watching-Stalker AU Challenge’ (And yes, after asking initially from an entirely new account before posting on a secondary blog, I’m too embarrassed to tag Roo again.)

Prompt 11: Everyone knows about celebrity stalkers, but what happens when a celebrity is the stalker? Kinks: Forced Pregnancy/Breeding, A/B/O

Word Count: 3000

Relationship: Dark!Steve x Fem!Reader x Dark!Bucky Trigger Warnings: nonconsensual/dubious consent, forced pregnancy/breeding, A/B/O dynamics, abuse of power(?). PLEASE DONT READ IF THESE OFFEND YOU (PS Everyone: I’m sorry to redirect everyone to another blog but I’m too nervous about having 'missjaywrites’ as only a secondary blog. The first blog post on miss_jay_stone with stay but that blog is officially abandoned. Henceforth everything will be posted here.)

Being a doctor meant stressful moments, being a military doctor meant stressful days, weeks, months, or years. However, being a doctor specifically for the Avengers was an entirely new level of pressure. Being the person to patch up or perform surgery on literal superheroes made you miss working in the middle of warzones. You knew one wrong move could quickly spiral into a major issue, but you knew this when you took the job.

The choice itself wasn’t easy, there were more than enough reasons for you to respectfully decline, reasons like; despite being as accomplished as you were, you were still fairly young, the pressure was enough to age someone half a century, there were about a dozen security measures in place to make sure you said nothing to anyone, numerous contracts and NDAs to sign, and possibly the biggest reason to say ‘no’ was what you really were. An omega. You could very well be arrested because of how many official government forms you’d falsified and signed stating you were a Beta. You did what you had to do to accomplish your goals and it landed you in the medbay of the Avengers compound, often in close contact with the numerous Alphas on the team.

In your opinion, you were pretty physically average and never thought of yourself as someone that turned heads. That was more than fine by you, the less attention you had on you the better. Recently, though, you felt something subtle change, you always felt like somebody was looking at you, even if nobody else was around. The constant feeling and incessant nagging in the back of your mind sent a chill up your spine daily. There were some days where you found yourself feeling something like an internal tug towards whatever alpha was close by and now more often than not, the closest alpha was one of the two blue-eyes super soldiers. If you had listened to the alarm bells in your head, you would have left your job the moment you felt something strange.

You would’ve moved to Calgary or Portland or Dallas, but you brushed it off as silliness and an overactive imagination. And because of that, here you were, stuck in a web of your own design, your protruding stomach a reminder of the mistakes that led to this situation. Of course, you’d love them when they arrived but that wouldn’t lessen the naivete you felt for falling into their game. Their words forever holding your heart and soul firmly in a vice grip. “C’mon, doll, you can be our good little ‘mega and get everything you could ever want” “We can keep your secrets safe, we’ll make sure nothing bad can ever happen to you.” The words seem to play on repeat in your mind. You can pinpoint the exact moment a small mistake led to where you were now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 8 Months Prior~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wow, where are you going all dolled up like that?” Your colleague and friend Alex asked as you stepped out of the storage room with a bundle of clothes in your hand. He paused typing his report to watch you gather your things. “I’m going to a 50s themed party with a guy I’ve been seeing and he’ll be here to get me soon,” you answered, motioning to the very-50s inspired outfit you wore. “Lucky you, kid, knock him dead but use protection,” he called with a chuckle as you left towards the elevator. You rolled your eyes at his comment but got a chuckle out of it yourself. He loved acting like he had 25 years on you instead of 10. The entire elevator ride down you were checking to make sure everything was perfect and not a hair was out of place.

You didn’t even look up when you stepped out of the elevator into the lobby. You did however look up, when you collided with a firm body. Your apologies were stopped by two things; the feel of cold metal on your back thru the thin fabric of your top and the strong scent, familiar scent of cedar & sandalwood and sage & pine. “I’m so sorry about that Captain Rogers, Sargent Barnes; that was totally my fault for not looking and I’m incredibly sorry to have almost steamrolled you,” you rambled awkwardly as you hurriedly tried to step back and put space between you and them. It took several long moments before Bucky removed his hand from your back, putting both in his pockets.

“Don’t worry about it, accidents happen,” Steve said with a smile that just didn’t seem quite right. There was an uncomfortable couple of seconds where you felt their eyes raking over you and you would’ve sworn their pupils dilated. “You know, it’s funny, you look like you’re straight out of a magazine from the 40s,” Steve said with a chuckle to break the silence. “Thank you, sir, I have a date at a themed party and this is the theme,” you sheepishly replied. The blond cleared his throat to cover what almost sounded like a growl at the name ‘sir’ and his features momentarily hardened when you mentioned it was a date. His smile was quick to return “well we don’t want to hold you up, enjoy your weekend, Doc and we’ll see you around.” You politely thanked him and returned the pleasantry before stepping passed them to leave. If only you had looked back, you would’ve seen them begin an intense, hushed conversation before they disappeared into the elevator.

That little conversation seemed to be when all of this started, but it was only little things that never drew much thought. At least, it started small; things on your desk would be moved, lights would be left on when you showed up the next day, your door would be unlocked, just little things that you couldn’t definitively say you did or didn’t do and the feeling of surveillance being minute and random. Then it got bigger; clothes you’d left at the office would disappear like jackets you kept in case you got cold or a spare change of clothes if what you wore got messed up, and papers you were sure you’d put away would be scattered on your desk but the feeling of being watched was more often, and one or both of them often came around for seemingly any reason. Like when Sam came in to get stitches after a mission, Bucky stood to the side almost brooding when you only mildly acknowledged him to tend to his friend.

Then alarms started to go off in your head but you ignored it. They were celebrities, they were superheroes. There’s no way on Earth they’d give you more than a second though. Your internal alarms kept going off; you never felt alone anymore, even in your own home. Your cozy little home that you’d fallen in love with always felt like somebody else was there or had been there. You often felt like your skin was burning, especially when they were around which was now multiple times a day, you always seemed to run into them. Bucky was normally quiet when you crossed paths, always asking if you felt okay and commenting on your flushed and flustered appearance, taking two steps forward for every step you took away from him. Steve seemed to be more physical whenever you two met around the building, he’d pull you into a friendly hug before you could object and make conversation with you, often brushing hands with you or setting his hand on the small of your back.

It went on like that for two months and you’d never been more thankful for fall to turn to winter, the cold breeze helping to sate your increasingly uncomfortable temperature. You thought everything had passed when you started to feel more normal and they stopped coming around you as often.

One night you decided to stay late to get some reports finished, submitted, and filed properly. It was perfectly fine for a while but then you felt yourself heating up again. Even after removing your scrubs and changing into some clothes you stored here, you were still burning. Soon you were fidgeting in your seat, trying to find some way to quell whatever what happening with you. You ended up nearly running to the bathroom to splash cool water on your face and get something to drink but you should have just gone home.

When you took two steps back into your lab, you were immediately pulling back against someone’s broad chest with superhuman strength. On instant contact, a familiar and unnerving scent surrounded you; cedar and sandalwood. It was Bucky hold your back flush against his chest. Panic set in seconds later when you felt him pressed into your lower back, the size alone was enough to take you out of your paralyzingly-afraid state. But it wasn’t like that helped any; you were an average human and he was a Super Soldier, it took no effort to keep you in his grasp. All he had to do to keep you in line was move one hand around your throat and growl quietly in your ear.

“Easy, doll, if you move too much he may have to hurt you and that's the last thing we want,” a calm voice said, the tone almost soothing. Steve stepped into sight from where he’d been looking at some things on your shelf. “I know you’re probably a little confused but we’ve been keeping an eye out for you. Keeping creeps away at bars, making sure your train ride home goes without incident, taking care of the men you go on dates with. You’ve quite the active social life doll,” his voice was tender as he approached you, gently stroking your cheek.  By now your eyes were wide with bewilderment as your brain attempted to process this situation. “We want you to be our good little Omega, start a family with you, and give you everything you could ever want or need,” Steve continued when your attempt to speak came out in a whimper.

Just as you went to correct him, Steve stopped you, cupping your cheek “please don’t lie to me, doll, we can’t create a future built on lies. We always thought you were a cute little Beta but after running into you that day, we both got a nice strong whiff of your cleverly hidden Omega scent, made us both incredibly hard, especially in that outfit that looked like it was from our time. That little incident made us see you for what you are; a good little ‘mega perfectly tailored for us, made to be our girl and have our pups. Unfortunately, we had to wait sometime to wean you off of those nasty chemical suppressants but now that you’re on the verge of your first heat, your body is more ready than it ever will be to take us,” Steve explained in that eerily calm voice, the intimacy of the town and him gently stroking your cheek was easily beginning to jumble your mind as it told you to do what you’d been fighting for years, what you hoped to always avoid.

“Steve,” Bucky grumbled, finally speaking up when his friend paused, he’d started steadily grinding his hips against yours for friction. “I-I can’t, I d-don’t want this,” you stammered out, nearly biting your lip off to keep yourself from whimpering or moaning as you felt Bucky’s hard-on against you, so close to where you needed but didn’t want it to be. “Well, that’s why we’re giving you a choice, princess. We don’t want anything bad to happen to you and if you’re our girl we can make sure nothing bad ever happens to you. You’ll be the safest person on the planet. Alternatively, people will find out about your status and well, perjury, falsifying federal documents, and falsifying medical documents are serious. You’d lose your medical license permanently and it’ll be at least a decade in prison but that’s not what we want,” Steve reassured before planting a small but quick kiss on your lips and smiling.

“C'mon doll, you can be our good little 'mega and never have to do anything ever again, you’ll never have to worry about money, job security, gross bar creeps, medical issues. We just wanna take care of our girl,” Bucky whispered in your ear, his tone too gentle for the situation. When you began to object again, a strong cramp in your abdomen had you nearly double over with a pained moan. You’d have been on the floor if Bucky wasn’t holding you and Steve wasn’t in front of you. “We can make all of this pain go away right now, just say you’ll be our best girl,” Steve coerced as he moved a few strands of hair out of your face. You knew you couldn’t open your mouth without moaning in pain or screaming so you furiously shook your head. Steve continuing to stroke your cheek, though small, was enough to distract you from noticing Bucky untying and pushing your shorts down.

As much as you hated yourself for it, you moaned out in surprise when you felt Bucky’s cool metal fingers rubbing your clit slowly. The man let out a groan and pulled his hand back, smirking as it glistened in the dimmed lights of the lab “fuck, Stevie, she’s so wet for us.” The words renewed your sense of panic and you began struggling hard. That seemed to be all it took for Steve to let go of his restraint. He lunged forward and captured your lips in a harsh, hungry, and dominating kiss. The blond wasted no time ripping your shirt and bra away, sending buttons flying to the floor. He didn’t break away from the bruising kiss as he began to fondle your breasts, paying extra attention to the nipples. In your state of unwanted pleasure, you didn’t notice Bucky quickly unzipping his pants and pushing them and his boxers down enough to free his aching member.

An entirely new sense of panic filled you when you felt his head nudging at your entrance; you would not make it through this in one piece, they were going to split you in half. When Steve’s lips finally left yours, he haphazardly pulled his member out and pulled you down until your face was level with his cock. When you didn’t do anything, he seemed to signal to Bucky who then buried himself into the hilt and moaned out happily, his breathing hitching as he mumbled “fuck, so tight, feels s'good.” Just as anticipated, you opened your mouth in a silent scream of pain and forced ecstasy, he gladly took the opportunity to thrust into your mouth, making you gag when his tip hit the back of your throat.

It took them no time at all to set a bruising rhythm, their moans and groans combined with your muffled cries of pleasure and fear filled the moan. You hated the way you felt your body betray you, how your core ached from Bucky to go faster, how your mind was quickly falling into the role of a submissive little Omega that you’d avoided all your life. Pretty soon you were beginning to move with them, the logical part of your brain being overshadowed by the need to please the two Alphas violating you.

“That’s it doll, that’s our good little Omega, such a good girl cooperating with her Alphas,” Steve cooed soft praises as he proudly watched the last of your resolve vanish. He took one of your hands and wrapped it around the part of his cock that wasn’t in your mouth, helping you build up a good stroking motion before letting go. He held your hair in a makeshift ponytail and tugged whenever he felt you run your tongue along the veins. Bucky on the other hand had a vice-like grip on your hips as his thrusts gradually became erratic. He reached underneath you and started rubbing your clit quickly, this time with his flesh hand. “C'mon doll, cum for your Alphas, you’re gonna feel so good being our Omega,” he muttered into your ear, nipping at your earlobe.

You couldn’t stop yourself. Between his words and the way he rubbed your clit and Steve’s praises and encouragements, you didn’t stand a chance against doing what he asked. You came with a muffled scream as your searing orgasm raced through every one of your veins, leaving you in a seemingly endless state of white-hot euphoria. You could barely acknowledge the feeling of Bucky erupting inside of you, filling you with his seed. His thrusts slowly becoming more languid.

“C'mon, hurry up,” you heard Bucky say, even though it sounded muffled and far away to you. You admittedly whined at the loss of his member even though he still held you up. You coughed when Steve removed himself, finally taking in deep breaths of air. They switched places quickly, Steve emitting a groan as he entered you more gently than Bucky did. This time, you didn’t hesitate before taking Bucky’s cock into your mouth, just following the part of your brain that said to submit to them, that they alone could bring you this much pleasure and everything they promised. Steve gave a few thrusts before he pulled your hips flush against his and spilled himself with a content moan.

You all but collapsed to the floor when they were done, them being the only reason you didn’t. Bucky scooped you up bridal style after Steve wrapped his jacket around your used, naked form. You were only semi-conscious as they carried you out of the lab, barely awake enough to mumble out “where are we going?” “We’re going to our room, little 'mega, and we’re gonna keep doing this every night until we see you round with our pups and we’re gonna make sure you’re treated like a princess, our princess,” Steve said, using his soothing tone from earlier. Barely clinging to consciousness, you merely nodded. The last thing you remember before passing out into sweet, sweet dreamland was you saying “alphas know best.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Current~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You looked down at your stomach before looking back at the sonogram in your hands; clear as day, you could see two 8-month-old babies. You’d stopped fighting when the pregnancy tests turned positive, they were very clear that no matter where you went, they’d find you and bring you home. They kept their promise about giving you everything you could ever need or want and protecting you. They kept their promise to keep you safe and always be there for you. You resigned from your position and didn’t renew your rental agreement, officially moving in with them in a bigger room. Once you safely passed the second trimester, they claimed you as theirs and let you claim them as yours. You’re not sure if you’ll ever forgive how this started but it wasn’t so bad.

#StalkerChallengeFic #Dark!Bucky Barnes #Dark!Steve Rogers #Alpha!Bucky Barnes #Alpha!SteveRogers #Dark!Stucky #TW: NonCon #TW: DubCon #TW: Breeding #Steve Rogers Smut #Bucky Barnes Smut #Marvel Smut #J Wrote

[hangmansradio]

Do you ever question ~why~ you write, and find yourself wanting to throw your laptop out of the window because of it?

I write for the MCR fandom and ill be honest, i fell out of love with the fandom a long long time ago (mainly because of the online toxicity). Now, i no longer care about receiving comments or kudos from people in the fandom because it honestly just raises anxiety in me, so I've found myself writing but not posting it anywhere. (Before, kudos and comments especially from regular readers were what motivated me)

There's no other fandom I'm interested in writing in, and I'm past the age now where a new fandom can grab my attention easily- it would really take a lot for that to happen. So I'm at this point where I'm just like... why am I writing and who am I writing for? I'm using Gerard and Frank as characters but I'm so far removed from the fandom that I don't feel connected to it in anyway anymore.

I hate Canon (in terms of tv show fandoms etc) so a bandom is perfect for creative liberties when writing, but I just... feel so unmotivated. And yet, writing is my life, I dont know what I'll do with my free time if I stop.

I know you've spoken before about second guessing your place in the fandom and whether or not it's a space you still want to write in. How do you still continue to write when you feel that way? I know you're currently taking a break, but before that?

If you can't relate to anything I've said in this ask then just disregard it, but I have the feeling you are or have been in a similar position as me and maybe you can offer some words of wisdom 🥺

Oh nonny, I really, really feel for you right now 💜 I am in basically the exact same position as you, more or less. I've been writing in the MCR fandom for fifteen years now (yikes) and it was always such a warm, safe space. But the past couple of years I've slowly noticed that changing, and now, even me as a seasoned writer who KNOWS the fandom so well, am totally disgusted by the thought of posting anything new because the toxicity is at a new level. It's like people will read someone's work now just to find something to complain about, when ✨back in my day ✨ the number one rule was always "don't like something, then hit the back button". I feel like it's become an okay thing now to literally harass authors, which is just awful because we're all writing for free, in our spare time.

Once upon a time you could write about literally anything and know you were safe to post, even back before AO3 and their fantastic tagging system. Back then, you knew there was a chance you could be reading something you disliked every time you clicked on a fic, and that was fine, because you just turned back if that was the case. And that fostered a really great community, where anyone sending hate or being at all negative to an author were very quickly shot down by everyone else reminding them that only THEY, and not the author, are responsible for keeping themselves happy on the internet.

All that being said, I'm not sure I'll ever return to writing MCR fic. Taking this break has been so healing, because I don't miss it at all. I miss writing terribly, and I miss those wonderful readers who would always send love my way, but in general... My mental health is a million times better for getting out. And it would get even better again if I had the heart to completely sever the ties with my AO3 account - just this morning I received another negative comment on a fic and seeing the email notification come through with comments makes me so anxious now. I hate that it's become that way, and the temptation to completely delete my profile is so tempting. But I couldn't do it to those people who still say they get so much joy out of my fic.

So... I'm in a very similar position to you. Writing MCR fic was me. It's what I did every spare moment I had for literally half of my life. So where do we go from here? Personally I'm still figuring it out.

I'm lucky in that I have some fantastic writer friends who still want to read my stuff in private who I can post to. It's not as motivating as that rush of posting online and seeing who likes it, but it's enough. I haven't written anything at all, not a single sentence, since I uploaded Chains made of Gold; but last week one of my real life friends asked if they could help get me out of my writing rut, and requested a Kingsman fic, not to post online but just for them to read. And it's the first time I've felt any sort of motivation to write. Something small, safe and private to share with a friend, that I can handle.

I'm similar to you, in that I find canon difficult to work around because I'm so used to writing whatever I want. But there are no fanfic rules that say you have to stick to canon - the joy of fanfiction is that we don't have to do that! It can be hard getting into a new fandom, but maybe it's worth just a little try?

And for me, as it is for many fic writers, the dream was always to one day write original stories to publish. Recently I've felt like that dream is further away than ever, and maybe I'm just not a writer anymore. But I can't imagine my life without it, writing stories is my passion, and I can't let a toxic fandom destroy that.

So to you nonny, I say this - don't give up. It's easier said than done, I know. Find "real" people who love writing and befriend them, if you don't already know people who might want to read your stuff in private. I'm more than happy for you to send anything my way, be it fanfic or otherwise, and I'll gladly cheerleader for you if it helps keep the writing bug alive. Joining a creative writing group is also a fantastic way to keep motivated and challenge yourself with new ideas - I LOVED the one I was in, but sadly I have no local group now. But if you do, please try it, getting away from the internet communities that are so toxic and into a group of real people, all passionate about writing, is such a healing thing.

We all started writing just for us. Because we loved it. Hold onto that, and take as long a break as you need, and I promise the urge to write will come again 💜

TL;DR The 'point' of writing has always just been to tell those stories inside of us. Don't give up on something you're passionate about, find good people who can be excited about your writing with you and share things with them 💜