#i wanna just cry because im overwhelmed for no fucking reason and ugh

[souscramble]

i can't help it

edit: nvm who would've thought that feeling like your friends hate you could be fixed by just taking with them as normal lol. the feeling is still looming in the silence but it is what it is

so like ignore this unless you wanna see what i get up to when i feel avoided hahaha ugghhhh (cringing but i won't delete to keep this blog genuine)

i feel like all my friends hate me right now i know it's probably not true but it could be and it's upsetting. i don't feel like i do enough for them so i shouldn't be so bothered that they aren't talking to me i mean. i get it!!!

it's hard to interact when you don't know how to help, i have this problem all the time so i keep my mouth shut and let someone else who knows better handle it so i don't screw up everything and leave anyone feeling worse than before. it's been like this for a long time because i screwed up so much before that i realize this is the best solution for me, even though it means im a terrible friend for it

but of course, when the same is done to me i can't help but feel lonely, especially when there isn't a "someone else who knows better" to handle it... i feel like im just being put in quarantine until im funny again and safe to interact with

but the problem with this thinking process is that i know my friends like me because they've said so before!!! i know they appreciate me and we all have moments like this and it's okay to be sad!!!!!! i know this in my brain but i can't feel it in my heart (corny i know) and it just really makes me want to cry.

i mean because what if i am just being annoying whenever im upset and not like. just normal sad.

i can't help but say it all because i got too used to keeping it in for years and now every time i get upset i have to say so like. i need to tell the world im feeling a bit sad. otherwise i freak out and take it out irl and that's never a good look (aka my stepmom disowned me for finally saying the way she's been talking to me since i was like 13 HAS actually been bothering me)

i have such a hard time talking about when things bother me because every time i go "no im just overreacting maybe im just a little overwhelmed it's really not a big deal" but it always ends up being a big deal in my brain but at that point i don't even remember what the problem was, and im just upset for no reason.

and i KNOW this but god forbid i Even consider saying anything it just scares me. i don't want anyone to dislike me i can't take it!!!! so what if my feelings get hurt? it doesn't matter as long as people like me goddamn it jeez why does it even matter i dunno;!!!!!! i just want to be kept around i don't want to be left alone i literally don't have anyone else but my dad and my sister MAYBE and my mom MAYBE and i can't talk to them about anything oh my god ugh this is the mmmmm im just the worst this is so pathetic

i forgot what i was saying and i don't really want to reread anything here so im just going to say im sorry I'm not really the best person to hang out with when i get like this and im sorry for giving anyone a reason to dislike me just tell me what to change and ill fix it if i can but there's just some things i really just can't do without feeling fucking awful and disingenuous because i can't convey my concern and understanding over text without everything seeming like a fucking joke because im scared of people taking me seriously even though i also want to be taken seriously i can't tell myself apart

#sou unhappy

[albedostartarus]

I don’t know what is it about this past week man. This isn’t the first time but it’s definitely the most frequent. I have this overwhelming feeling of self hatred and feeling unwanted. Like I don’t deserve to have friends or have food or have fun. It’s just. I can’t talk to my friends even, I love them so much Tim and lusmos and Tanzania are among the best things that have happened to me and the best people I know period. They know more about me than anyone and I can no longer talk to them without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I keep asking Tim to tell me if I bother them but everytime I say it and they agree I feel like even saying that was bothering them and they do not say anything to be nice. I make outwardly rude, defensive and downright condescending remarks I talk and text weirdly I cannot feel good about anything I say to them I feel like I’m bothering them, invading their space and sometimes even straight up harrasing them. I don’t want to cause pain to my friebds I don’t want to make them sad. I hate how I am physically , mentally whatever other way there is like. This isn’t the first time; that one time when tanays friend compared my art w his and I got defensive and yelled at her like a toxic pos. Or when I got defensive and argued with Tim about something CS I don’t even remember what. I look ugly, I’m dumb, I can’t even talk to my friends who have done so much for me I dont know if I deserve any of this I fucking hate myself. I just. I wish it weren’t so hard to talk to people who are my FRIENDS and have been my friends for years. Why do I feel like I no longer know what they’re thinking, whether I’m being nice or crossing a boundary or not. I’m fucking stupid, this is why I turned down zann to meet today because I no longer know if I’m even a good person, if I can even talk to her or hang out with her without making it awkward and uncomfortable somehow. I think that when she asks to meet on the gc she’s really asking Katie and not me. Saying yes to either to hang out when the other isn’t going feels like I’m intruding somehow. I keep trying to “”redeem”” myself to Tim by consuming media he rec and reading things he’s sent me ages ago but I’ve failed at it so much that asking him for an honest opinion B/w two things still feels like I’m somehow kissing up to him bc I feel bad EVEN THOUGH IM NOT it was a genuine confusion and can I even blame him for being unwilling to im just. Everyone hates me and if they don’t have a reason to .

I just wanna be able to talk to my friends and be happy

Look at me oooh I’m so edgy I sound fucking stupid I’ll just delete this later

I had literal heartache writing this I’m fucking over this I can’t. I . Ugh. I’m crying or at least trying to quietly bc the fucking roommate is in the other side of room

[technowoah]

Cant Handle This

Quackity's facade keeps breaking, and he tries to keep the pieces together. You're the only one who can make him show his true self

- Quackity x gen neutral reader

- this is a long one yall.

Now playing...

Can't Handle This (Kanye Rant)

Bo Burnham

0:01 ─●──────── 3:29

⚠︎ swearing, angst, mentions of mcyttwt, based on the song above, and ofc its not proofread

Part of my Inside Special!

Quackity sat in his chair currently streaming right now, he seemed like he was having a good time from your spot on his bed. You were currently laying on his bed after he invited you here to relax.

You two had laid in his bed just enjoying eachothers company until he got a call from Tommy saying he was ready for the lore stream which sent Alex into a frenzy. Alex sent out a quick "Im sorry" about the lateness of his stream and then quickly set everything up.

He then started to stream which left you alone on the the bed to your own devices. You were scrolling through Twitter looking at Alex's fans talk about what's happening on the stream and posting screenshots of his character and himself.

You admired him from afar as he ended the lore part of his stream, he took time to type on his phone to text you that he decided to stream longer to talk to his fans. He looked to you and you have him a nod with a smile and he gave one back.

"Hey guys! That's the end of the lore!" He exclaimed to his chat as he types at his computer setting a new background.

You continued to listen to him praise his chat for supporting him and making him be able to make those types of streams. You were always proud of Alex no matter what he did, you were always his number one supporter no matter what happened in reality or on the internet.

"So anyways! I wanted to talk to you guys! How are you all?" He smiled at his camera looking back and forth from his chat.

◇T0mm71nn1t: THE STREAM WAS SO GOOD QUACKITY

"Oh thank you! Im glad I could share this with you. It takes so much to put into these movite type streams, so I know now it is all worth it."

Quackity's pov. . .

He felt so overwhelmed, he shouldn't have began to stream again. The stress of putting everything together, plus being late to the stream made him rush into it more. He just wanted to lay back down with his lover who was enjoying watching him stream, and that's the goal he wants. His goal was to entertain, it was his job and he doesn't want to fail, he doesn't want to crack.

◇Mayatooni3: WE LOVE YOU QUACKITY

◇catiiequak: QUACKITY ITS MY BIRTHDAY CAN I GET A HAPPY BIRTHDAY??

◇yriaaolic: 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

"Happy Birthday!" He said seeing the comment pass in a second. "Happy Birthday to anyone who's Birthday it is today."

Right now it was hard. It was hard to keep up when there was always a constant demand, the constant need to be perfect, his past being brought up, and trying to one-up his content everytime. He loved this, but at the same time it had the same weight as a job.

In the back of his mind he knew the "When is Quackity streaming???" is mostly lighthearted, he never wants to leave.

"Quack are you okay? Im fine! Just thinking about how to get something to eat at 2am." He laughed lying to his fans, he wanted to stop this stream.

He kept looking over to his lover lying their head on his pillow scrolling through their phone and alternating their vision from him and their phone. He always caught a glimpse of their small smile everytime he looked. He was doing something right.

"Do yall think Taco Bell is open? The only problem I have is that Im fucking starving."

He paused for a moment taking a deep breath trying to keep his emotions down. The stress was getting to him, and he fucking knew it, but he didnt stop. He was going to get burnt out eventually and stop streaming and YouTube all together, but he needed this. He needed a break, he needed to take time for himself and stop putting on a happy face when he isnt.

TTS ◇pulixsaxe: "Did you see what was happening on Twitter quackity?"

"Wait what's happening on Twitter?" He asked with a weary laugh.

I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are

Pringle cans, and burritos

The truth is, my biggest problem's you,

Your eyes widened as he mentioned Twitter. Truth be told he was trending because of his stream, yes, but also they brung up stuff from his past again in the wake of another content creator's past or present being brought up. You hadn't paid attention to that, you were only getting fueled up from Twitter bringing up an issue that he already had addressed.

Tempted to speak and tell him its fine, he already spoke up before you.

"I bet it's fine! I dont wanna... I don't need to look." He said with a smile. He always had that smile on.

Either it was a full smile or a half smile. It never left his face and it comforted you somehow. Maybe it was that you were his significant other, but you always wondered if anyone saw the same things as you. The things like his smile that never left his face.

"Yeah! I dont need to look at that." He waved his hand dismissing the comment away. He then sighed letting his shoulders relax as you saw his smile fade and his eyes close for a second and immediately put that small smile back on his face while his eyes were glossy, but bright.

He needed to end this stream soon. You saw his face fall then in a split second come back to life except his eyes were glossy with tears. You wondered if anyone else noticed.

"I want to please you

But I want to stay true to myself

I want to give you the night out that you deserve"

His eyes tearful as he tried to blink them away trying to not make a scene.

"Sorry! Allergies ugh!" He said as he wiped his tears away claiming them as allergies.

"Are you crying? No! Im not a pussy!" He yelled at his chat in a joking manner.

He was crying and he felt weak. He felt emotionally weak, and weak as in not strong, he didn't feel strong and his lover who was sitting on his bed with a concerned look on their face always told him that it's okay to feel weak. The only meaningful thing is how you pick yourself up, they always told him, bur now he felt at rock bottom.

He wanted to give his fans "himself", the goofy, lovable, loud, quick-witted, Quackity. But then again his lover always told him to separate Quackity from Alex. He wanted to give himself to his audience, he wanted to be authentic and share himself, but he cant. Alex isn't all laughs, he is serious, calmer, and when he gets on the screen is when he lets it all out then goes back to his more calmer self. That's not what they want.

"But I want to say what I think

And not care what you think about it"

Giving himself meant dialing back, he wants to tell how hes actually feeling, he wants to say what he thinks about Twitter, what he thinks about certain friends, about his fanbase, and then leave it alone. He wanted to delete social media and then speak his mind without knowing what anyone is saying about it. It was paradise to him, but of course it cant be that way and that's what he hates. He feels like a actor when he really wants to be himself.

"A part of me loves you,"

Alex loved his fanbase, he had such a supportive fanbase that loved his content. Some of them did atleast he didn't fully know, but they gave him the courage to do this time and time again knowing that his content is at least taking them from the harsh reality of real life for a few minutes or hours. This was the reason he did this, for them.

Alex would never admit this but they boosted his ego too, it would for anyone. The fact that there were people who wanted and enjoyed content from him made him feel good about himself.

"part of me hates you"

He hated the contant criticisms, he hates that they feed his ego so much that it makes him want to stream more to feel good about himself and to make people get away for awhile. Alex knew inside of his heart he couldn't truly hate his fanbase, they gave him everything he ever wanted. He hates them for that and that's such a scary thing. He never fails to wonder if he did the things to deserve all the love and hate he gets.

"Part of me needs you,"

They feed his ego, they make him want to go above and beyond. Alex knows that his fanbase is the reason he is here in this chair infront of three expensive monitors. He knows that this is some sort of a job that he needed. He needed the push to keep going and that was them, it was the 200k people watching his stream watching him answer questions about him and

"part of me fears you"

He was fearful of loosing himself to them. Loosing his authenticity to them was something he feared. He didnt want his funny, loud persona to consume him and make him forget about Alex instead of Quackity. He fears what they think as well, he claims he doesnt care, but he does he wants to please them. It feels like two parts of his brain fighting about if he should care or not.

"And I don't think that I can handle this right now"

The text-to-speech bot continued to speak out people's comments that theu paid for while he sat there quietly. He bit his bottom lip trying to not break down infront of everyone he needed to be strong. He needed to be strong.

If he looked up at the camera everyone would see his tears, they would see him breaking.

He played it off as he brough his shirt up to wipe the tears away, claiming it as sweat.

"Im good! Im sorry I spaced out for a second." He shook his head.

He saw you look at him with that same concerned look on your face. As he switched his gaze between you and his computer, he felt his tears come back again.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"Alex." You tried to get his attention.

"Yeah guys Im fine!"

"Alex"

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"I have plans later for another lore stream, so Ill start doing that later tonight."

"ALEX!" You yelled and his head turned around to face you.

"What?" He laughed, biting his lip again.

You couldn't stop him doing this, you could try to course him into going to bed, but right now you couldn't find the words. You just stared at him while he looked at you with a somber smile trying to tell you that he was okay.

He felt his mind telling himself that he need to rest. He wouldnt allow himself to and thats why he was breaking down.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

Alex was blinking rapidly trying to keep his breathing and tears at bay while he answered his fans.

"My allergies are fine! And I drank water today."

◇moonchild21: WE LOVE YOU

◇sopusand: Why do you look like that?

◇wuackityoo: are you crying??

"Crying is for the weak! I am a strong manly man! Im crying cause I noticed how alpha I am!" He tried to play it off as a "Im a man" joke but you could see right through it.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

You had sent a quick text to Alex which told him to end the stream for his own mental health, but he left the message unread. He began sniffing and the wiping his eyes again. It was a wreck and you couldn't seem to stop it without literally dragging him out of his chair.

Meanwhile the screens were getting to Alex. Alex's eyes were getting tired of the bright screens and the rapid messages that popped up on the screen overwhelmed him for what it seemed like the first time ever in his strraming career. He wanted to give them the fun night they deserved and wanted, but he knows it's getting hard to. He dosent know how long he can keep this up.

As Alex kept joking around about his eyes and physical state the chat was filled with "LMAO" and "HAHAHA" which fuled him more and then at the same time makes him want to stop.

Look at them, they're just staring at me, like

"Come and watch the skinny kid with a

Steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts

To give you what he cannot give himself"

He cannot give himself the luxury of happiness. As he went on with his career it became more and more like a chore, there was mostly down days and of course there were up days, but recently Alex gave his fans the happiness and laughes they wanted while when he turned off the camera he couldn't replicate that same energy as he had before.

It messed him up, he felt himself become separated from his streaming. He wasn't being himself anymore he was being Quackity and that became more apparent as the days passed. He wanted to be himself on camera and at first thats what he thought he was doing. He was himself then it turned into a persona.

Alex wasn't okay and he he needed to take a break from the internet for a while, but he tries to act like he dosent have a dilemma going on inside of his head everytime he sits in this seat. Its for the fans.

"Think that I can handle this right-

I don't think that I can handle this right-

They don't even know the half of this right-

They don't even know the half of it"

"Alex you need to end the stream. Please?"

He looked towards you again where you moved your position from the middle of the bed to sitting up on the end of the bed.

"Ive told you millions of times." He paused for a moment looking down at his lap before looking back up to you. "Im-Im okay." He nodded trying to convince you.

"But I know I'm not a doctor, I'm a pussy, I put on a silly show

I should probably just shut up and do my job, so here I go"

"Cant you belive them!" He laughed to his camera. You scoffed at his comment but still kept an eye on him as he talked.

You didnt need to baby him at all, but right now you were worried about your lover.

Alex continued talking and talking, which you drowned out. You were focused on his face and how he faltered time to time just showing a small frown.

He laughed and showed them a good time even though he was hurting. He kept going and going and you were convinced he was going to hold out until you heard him sniff multiple times while trying to make a joke about the new Minecraft update and how the glow squid has no use.

"Stupid ass squid! Why- why? Its no use expect for glowing ink. Who voted for that!?"

You can tell them anything if you just make it funny, make it rhyme

And if they still don't understand you, then you run it one more time

"Dumbass squid!" He pulled up a picture if the squid as he yelled at it.

You began to worry even more as you saw tears running down his face. He quickly tried to wipe them away, but he knew everyone saw.

Handle this right

You don't even know the half of this right now

Right now (Haa!)

Now

Handle this right

I'll handle this right, I handle this right now

Alex leaned back in his seat and had a blank stare towards the monitor. Looked down for a second and then you heard sobbing coming from his spot. Alex had his head in his hands and was crying harshly into them.

He had finally broken, he couldn't stop the tears from coming and the loud sobs that came from his mouth. He was trying to desperately breathe in to be able to sob, but ended up hiccuping while doing so.

Your eyes widened as you rushed to him resting your hand on his knees and you kneeling infront of him.

"I cant do fu-fucking anything!" He yelled into his hands.

"Hey! I know. Its okay." You tried to console him.

"Its not I try so hard! And I-"

You cut him off. "You are a hard worker Alex and you deserve a week or two off. Take care of you self babe." You stood up bringing his hand with you and trying to make him stand up. He followed your movements and stood up with you putting his head on your shoulder crying into it.

"I just ca-cant right now!"

"You dont have to do anything right now babe."

"Im sorry!" Alex sobbed.

"Dont be." You said bluntly trying to get your lover to calm down.

You rubbed his back soothingly as he sniffled into your shoulder. "Im sorry for ruining your shirt." He tried to laugh through his tears.

"Dont be sorry! Please. You just need rest okay?" You kissed his forehead and he nodded in response.

Alex raised his head up an started to pepper kisses all over your face as you laughed. He gave you one last peck on the lips as he walked away to quickly change into night clothes. You smiled as he laid underneath the covers and continued to softly cry into his sheets. At least he was in bed and not makijg himself even worse.

He couldn't stop the tears from flowing, it was like a flood that could only be stopped with time. He felt like a boulder was lifted off his shoulders only to be replaced with smaller rocks. The smaller rocks was the guilt he held. He felt guilty of making his lover worry about him, he didnt want you to worry.

You rushed over to his desk and turned off the stream and his computers not even bothering to give them a goodnight or goodbye. After the computer lights were turned off it was quite dark in the room except for small light.

Finally you were where you wanted to be all day, in bed with Alex. But this wasnt the predicament you wanted.

"Forgive me. I just cant do shit right can I?" His eyes were still full of tears and he was getting tired.

"Alex dont listen to anyone but yourself." You tried to console him.

"That's what I'm telling myself."

Silence filled the room as you looked at him through tearful eyes of your own.

"Alex, you're so amazing and I cant even tell you how much I appreciate you, and how much you change my life. You do so much shit right its scary sometimes. Some days I think you're perfect, but there's-"

"There's no such thing as perfect." Alex finished your sentence.

"Exactly! Even the best people have their downfalls, they just dont show it. And Alex I know you struggle with that! All I can say is that I love you for you." You finished.

"Can I talk to you about my dilemmas?" He tried to laugh again.

"Tomorrow we can talk. We both need the rest." You said to him as he closed his eyes and nodded in response. He gave you a kiss on you lips before laying back down to sleep.

"Thank you."

"Thank you

Good night

I hope you're happy"

TRENDING

ARE YOU OKAY

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QUACKITY

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ARE YOU OKAY QUACKITY?

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#SoundCloud #mcyt blurb #mcyt angst #mcyt fluff #mcyt x reader #mcyt headcanons #technowoah! #dream smp x reader #quackity x reader #quackity headcannons #quackityhq x reader #quackity x y/n #quackity x you #mcyt x y/n #mcyt fanfiction #mcyt imagine #quackity imagines #quackity fanfic #alex quackity #dsmp x reader #dsmp headcanon #quackity angst #quackity fluff #mcyt x you #mcyt imagines #inside special!

[inosukeslefttoe]

g-guhh... i watched this movie the other weekend and i wanted to rewatch it again before posting anything but like.. homie i honestly dont think my heart can take that lol

so from the aspect of like,, the amount of buildup and quality of the development of relationships and characters and just overall emotional-ness of the movie compared to the anime, clearly the anime is superior... HOWEVER.... this one decided to completely bypass the part of my heart dedicated for anime feelings and just jab right into the part that made me feel genuine heartbreak. so like,, i might be projecting my own feelings n experiences onto this a bit too much but i just gotta talk about it hehe

obviously ugetsu and akihiko had some super mixed up feelings towards each other that made their relationship super toxic and i just wanna talk about the complexity of those feelings and why i think they felt how they did. 

so i think that one of the biggest reasons they stayed together in their on and off sort of thing was because they were each others first loves. i believe akihiko mentioned that he moved in with ugetsu before he got the chance to live alone or smthn like that,, and they basically started their adult lives knowing nothing but each other. they were still developing as ppl and finding their own way as adults,, but before they were allowed to fully mature, they fell in love and fell into this almost codependent relationship where it was hard to imagine themselves without each other bc at this point,, all they knew was each other. 

another reason they fell in love was because of their shared passion for music and for the violin specifically !! but i also think that this is one of the major things that caused their downfall. i think that they ended up putting too much of their relationship onto that shared passion so it was no longer like,, something individual to each of them,, it was no longer about their individual passion for their craft but something that was holding together their relationship. and sure, having something so strong connecting two people can be wonderful, but it can also be harmful if it takes something so personal and unique to each person and is suddenly forcing it to be glue holding them to each other that leaves little room for their own expression if that makes sense.

 i think this shared love of music was also causing akihiko to feel like he was living in ugetsus shadow. and honestly, when u have a partner who is just so perfect at everything they do and u cant seem to catch up to them, it becomes rlly exhausting. akihiko didnt want his partner to see him as lesser or to pity him or act condescendingly seeing him struggle to catch up to his own talents so i think that could be part of what drove akihiko away from the violin. aside from this,, i think that since akihiko fell in love with ugestu due to his epic violin skills, he started associating the violin super strongly to ugetsu and no longer felt like it was an extension of himself,, but just something to relate to his partner who he also felt was far superior to him in this subject. as long as ugetsu was in his life, the violin would only ever remind akihiko of his partner and it could never be regained as something personal and expressive of himself. 

uhhh i think thats all i wanna talk about for rn regarding why their relationship got so messed up but like,,, i would also like to be emo about ugetsu for a second lmao

i just... when he was talking to mafuyu about how he was just sitting there waiting for akihiko to come home... how it seemed like he was talking less about their apartment and more like himself... UGH IM GONNA CRY BRO THAT FEELING WHEN U THINK SOMEONE IS UR HOME AND U THINK UR THEIRS BUT UR BOTH JUST MESSED UP AND TRAPPED IN A BROKEN HOME.... and also how he was clearly not having any of his needs satisfied by akihiko and would yknow have sex w other ppl and stuff but still go back to akihiko and it was clear that nothing rlly meant anything to ugetsu without him... god my feelings pls... HHH AND THE SCENE WHERE AKIHIKO WALKED AWAY FOR GOOD.... FUCK DUDE IM GONNA CRY THINKING ABOUT IT... it just hurt so bad to see that akihiko had matured and was so easily letting go of ugetsu for the final time and yeah that was fuckin awesome for him and im rlly happy he had the strength and development to do that... BUT... u can tell that ugetsu didnt have that maturity... and u could just see the panic and heartbreak and just overwhelming emotions that he was seeing like dude i could fucking hear every voice in ugetsus head just screaming at akihiko to come back to him and hold him one more time ... but he couldnt say anything. he looked so lost. he hadnt known anything aside from akihiko ,, and his passion for music was still strongly connected to their love so i imagine that at this point he genuinely felt that he had nothing. not even himself. the entire person that he built himself up to be was always leaning on akihiko since theyd grown so much together and akihiko had always been something constant in his life to where things didnt mean much without him. and suddenly he was just,, gone. and he took every part of ugetsu with him. at this point im probably projecting more than analyzing, but  this was just my take on their feelings and that specific scene. it was very very good that the two cut contact and are working to better themselves, and i know that they both knew that, but their whole situation was just. so fucking heartbreaking. and something extremely hard to do in that sort of codependent toxic relationship...

OKAY THAT WILL BE ALL BEFORE I CRY LOL BUT I HOPE IT MADE SENSE !!

#given #given ugetsu #given akihiko #akihiko x ugetsu #given the movie #yaoi #heartbreak #codependency #anime review

[normal-thoughts-official]

Oooh yeah the first time I was playing as a female mc because I wanted to romance ava and I usually go male mc if I want to romance a man and female mc if I want to romance a woman (and I think there was one book with where mc could be non-binary so I picked that one but I didn't finished the book), and Stacy's brother felt Hetero™ in a way, like Hollywood ish (? Honestly like cinematographicly bad hetero) but I ended up really loving Andy too, and Stacy felt a little flat but also I really liked her potential, like go crazy girl, and the mom issues.

Apart but holy shit you're 10000% right about that teacher like who inmediately threatens expulsion just like that for something not violent ??? And to an honor student with way too much on his plate ??? Obviously it would have been bad with any student, but you have literally the reason of why he's doing it and as a teacher HE LITERALLY COULD HAVE HELPED WITH IT ??????? Like something teachers can't really help students because it's a family thing only or is a financial struggle or etc but it was literally because of school (and his family, but the teacher could have heloed him with the school part)

(Identity thief anon (also I go by any pronouns ahhshs))

ur valid! that's lowkey what i wish i'd do (picking female MC if my fave LI is female and the other way around, i mean) but unfortunately i always go into the stories blindly having no idea what i'll find </3 so i cant really do that doiajdiosa and then i get attached for the MC i picked so i feel bad about changing their gender/name/appearance when i replay. so what i usually do is that i pick a male MC when i get the option because A- u don't always get the option, so i end up being male half the time and female half the time either way; and B- i feel slightly more comfortable with a male identity than a female one. like i'm still nonbinary and i wouldn't consider myself male aligned or within the gender of Man, but like... when i first came out i went by any pronouns but then because im afab everyone was like "cool, she/her only it is" so i was like fuck that and stopped using she/her. so i feel slightly more comfortable with a masc MC and end up going with that

there's also the fact that it always feels slightly genderfucky to have a male MC because choices is so sexist and also always writes the stories assuming ull pick a female MC, even when they give u the option not to. so when u pick a male MC he's very like not toxically masc and some things they add to make a QuiRkY MC that are very white woman and would feel annoying are actually kind of subversive for my black and brown male MCs. so like another win for queerness /j

ILITW MC in particular i feel has HUGE nonbinary vibes like no reason at all he just does <3 maybe it's just that for once the male clothes for ILITW actually fUCK. i wanna dress in that goth outfit <3 so gorgeous ugh. i love him even tho he's a fucking dumbass

also there's a book where an MC can be enby? worm? ive only ever read one book in choices with any enby characters at all (america's most elligible, books 2-3) but they weren't even a LI which is disappointing cuz they were a billion times superior to any of the LIs. sorry america's most elligible LIs fans

also oh connor IS the epitome of white cistraight man even when u play as a man tbh, like he was just so cistraight to me daouhdsaojdasij he kind of annoys me but also i forget that he even exists until he shows up onscreen and choices starts trying to push me into his lap and i'm just like, ugh, not again

and yeah i think i feel a similar way about stacy. i don't dislike her as a character and i don't feel like she as a character felt flat, her growth was very interesting and i loved seeing her start to challenge her mom like YESSS GO GIRL GIVE US EVERYTHING, she just felt flat as a LI to me ig? like idk i didn't feel chemistry between her and my MC personally, but also like, stacy girls are valid u know

right exactly. like i don't think ppl really understand that a school that doesn't drive people to cry during finals week and feel absolutely crushed by having to be there and that makes ppl feel like they're stupid, not enough, and overwhelmed IS IN FACT POSSIBLE and actually pretty easy to make when we stop treating students like statistics that will get the school more clients/funding (depending on whether it's a private or public school). and like as a teacher getting my degree in brasil it just feels completely surreal to me that anyone would see a student who's so overwhelmed by the amount of extracurriculars and responsibilities he feels like he has to take that he starts taking drugs to help his performance despite it affecting his health, and see that as like... something morally reprehensible? like it is bad that it happened but it's not the student's fault, what's morally reprehensible are the circumstances that led to his decision, not his decision

and like it is very much a systemic problem, more and more kids are taking focus pills to be able to survive the pressure of school and have a shot at a future, either on their own or because we are actually medicalizing not existing to be productive. and if it's a systemic problem then the fault is at the system?? and like holy shit i legit don't understand why choices gave us options like being like "it still isn't enough" when lucas gets rid of his pills, what do you mean it isn't enough??? enough for what??? to FORGIVE him???? for something that only hurt himself??? for something that is very much a systemic problem and therefore NOT HIS FAULT????? literally what the fuck even is this, lucas doesn't have to "make up" for a single thing, he needs to be HELPED is what he needs

like idk i know that the school system in the US is...... extremely backwards lmao which is not a term i like to use because it usually implies imperialistic views but the US is the height of world imperialism so like actually idc. brasil has a pretty progressive constitution and as a teacher my whole education was focused on being critical of the school system, particularly the productivity obsession, and drilling into us again and again that we aren't supposed to just be teaching subjects, we are also supposed to be teaching how to be a citizen, be a critical human being, work towards building a better future, and learning and growing AS A PERSON to be healthy and happy are values of the school system

like that's easier said than done when schools are under insane amounts of pressure by companies in practice to be productivity-driven, and most teachers who actually want to do a good job end up having to live at the edge of the knife and constantly fighting back outside pressure, but at least it is very much a mandatory part of our education to become teachers and also like literally part of the constitution. so i just... i can't fathom reacting the way mr cooper did? like as a teacher i felt BETRAYED, i felt like he shat all over my profession because that is the opposite of what we should be doing, this is a kid who needs help

and just like hOLY SHIT HE DID NOTHING WRONG, what are you punishing him for??? it's not even a like, stealing bread to feed your family situation, because what he did HAS NO VICTIM OTHER THAN HIMSELF, and therefore HE IS THE VICTIM NOT THE CULPRIT. he doesn't have to repent or atone or answer for a single fucking thing, he didn't victimize others, he doesn't have to apologize, there's nothing to punish him fOR??? like i don't believe in punishment anyway cuz im a prison abolitionist but doDAUSDJADASIJDAS???????????? HE DIDN'T. HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. WHY IS THIS WHOLE GAME ACTING AS IF HE WAS IN THE WRONG. OH MY GOD

it's like saying that someone needs to be forgiven for self harming????? like how is it that someone has been hurt continuously until it led them to hurt themselves and then they have to? make up for it to a bunch of other ppl? my god it makes me so mad and i genuinely don't understand the logic, like usually when i see someone doing fucked up shit i can see the logic but i don't agree with it, but this time i genuinely DON'T SEE THE LOGIC. my USan friends said it was because he was technically doing drugs but like i legit still don't understand

anyway any school that drives a student to do something like that needs to rethink their entire curriculum and the psychological effect it's having on kids, because lucas is 1- not even the first one according to mr cooper; 2- even if he was, that'd be the only one who got CAUGHT; and 3- even if there was really only one singular student who went tHIS far, i doubt the others weren't feeling that same pressure and dealing with it in other similarly unhealthy ways

i know that's probably easier in brasil than in the US even if it's by no means easy here because here at least in public schools the curriculum and political-pedagogical plan has to be agreed on by the school community (teachers, parents, students, workers, and anyone who lives in the area of the school) and it's updated every year, so like, you have more means to do something to change the school in a deeper way, altho of course that still has to mean swinging the rest of the community, but still. but at the very least he could have looked for counseling for him? tried to find a way to take some of the workload off his shoulders? given him some more time on assignments? motioning for all the clubs he was the president of to have co-presidents so he was less overwhelmed?

like there was just daodsao he could have done so many things and he justs DIDN'T he chose to not only punish him instead but quite literally THREATEN HIM WITH DEATH because that's what calling the police on a latino student over a drug charge is. like he might've survived but the possibility that he would fucking DIE was very much there, and i know choices didn't think of that because they'd rather die than think about the racial implications of anything but holy fucking shit. and im not even getting into how mr cooper is BLACK because then ill just start biting people like thanks for putting that threat on a black character's mouth choices. if u need me ill be foaming at the mouth

anyway SORRY god why is it that i always get to the salty part within 2 seconds of joining a fandom i promise that i actually like it lives and the way they handled most of their plot, i genuinely think it's a very well written and actually worth ur time story but i just doadosaida like i said particularly as a teacher in the context where i'm being taught, plus with all my political beliefs, i just can't let it go aaaa

also ty for telling me ur pronouns! idk if i assumed them at any time, i don't think so but i might have done so without realizing and if i did im really sorry. also sorry for the gigantic salty reply daojdsaojdaisjsajdoadsaodasj rip me i never shut up

#it lives spoilers #ilitw spoilers #it lives #salt #long post #drugs tw #cops tw #police brutality tw #racism tw #victim blaming tw #anti connor green #ilitw #lucas thomas #ask #identity thief anon #self harm tw

[purplepalmdelight]

why life is still okay (rambling fic rec pt. 1)

firstly: shout out to @trulyalpha for apparently owning my entire bookmarks page on ao3 (bc i only realised all my favourite fics were written by the same person,,, yesterday. bc im really smart like that) anyway breakdown of why she’s a stoncy saving grace thanks!!!

you ease my mind, you make everything feel fine.

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/13842039)

yes this fic is from 2018. yes i read it every other week. it’s good for the SOUL. jonathan getting taken care of is always just such a good and sweet concept (maybe it’s my intense, undying love of him, but he deserves to be taken care okay) and. okay i’ll admit, sometimes i forget how fucking FUNNY this fic is, but it’s genuinely hilarious, okay? you gotta trust me on this. it makes me cackle at inappropriate times absurdly often. ("Hi." "Hi." "I want you, you fuck." is a top line. i laugh so hard every TIME.) all three of them are so incredibly in character, and somehow this NAILS the fact that they’re all massive disasters pretending to be confident. and i’m not someone that reads ~smut~ often (though it’s more mentioned than described, very non-explicit) but this didn’t make me even the least bit uncomfortable. it felt very natural and in character and made me laugh as much as the rest of the story. all in all, i always come away a little more in love with the characters, and that’s a really precious feeling.

you could be the one to make me feel something

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/14269476/chapters/32912745)

i take back everything i’ve ever claimed. this IS the funniest piece of writing i’ve ever read, and it WILL remain so, probably until the day i die. i honestly... barely have words. my expectations were high when i started it, but in retrospect, they were LEAGUES below what i got. the characterisation, the progression, the dialogue, the story; from the overarching aspects to the tiny details, it’s impeccable. i genuinely read this twice in one day, and then again the next. every single part of it is so good, but in terms of FAVOURITES... the christmas section. hilarious. down to its bones, well crafted and heart felt. it hits me right in the chest every time. the story, from the beginning, has me just as in love with nancy and steve as jonathan is, and as everything grows more intense, so does my investment. it pulls me in and doesn’t let me go until it’s good and ready to see me leave. again, the sexy aspects are so in character and natural that it’s uncomfortable or weird to read and instead just leave me grinning like an idiot. also ( “It did frustrate me, in more ways than one. It’s also a weird plan, like … did you expect me to be so overwhelmed by the power of a boner that I’d just admit my feelings?” is SUCH a funny line, i think about it literally every day. literally. every. day.) the characters are afraid to be messy, to make mistakes, and they all feel so ALIVE that when i leave the story, i feel like i’m leaving a friend. it’s honestly beautiful and honestly breathtaking. this story is better than a lot of published books, honestly, and i’m so grateful for it. so thank you.

i crash my car ‘cause i wanna get carried away!

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/17131202)

...you really wanted to make me cry, huh? i cried out of grief, yeah, out of the depth of nancy’s guilt and the pure rawness of her mourning, but i also cried out of catharsis as she came to terms, and out of laughter a few times. the bit about total eclipse of the heart as a motif was... that was so well done. i hate drawing comparisons, so please understand that this is criticism of a concept and not a particular story, but in so many stories then nancy’s grief feels... trivialised? that’s not quite the right word. romanticised, maybe. as someone who has lost a friend in the past, it’s just... it doesn’t feel realistic? and that’s okay, because it’s hard to nail something you haven’t experienced, and i wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone. it’s just that stories like this, where i can really resonate with nancy and follow the journey of her recovery WITH her are so rare. this story is a gem, it really is. i don’t love it for all the same reasons as the others, but i love it fiercely all the same.

there’s nothing magic going on, and then along came you

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/14994137)

sure, you could be the one is the funniest fic i’ll probably ever read, but nothing magic is such a close second. it’s laugh-out-loud, get-tears-in-your-eyes, fall-out-of-your-chair, and it’s also so goddamn SWEET i can hardly stand it. of the several fics i generally group together in my head (nothing magic, you could be the one + its sequels (might have to make an individual post about this series), laugh until we think we’ll die, and got nothing for you; all very similar, yet incredibly unique) nothing magic is the shortest, but that doesn’t mean it compromises on quality, oh no. it just means i can read it quicker, and therefore more often! when it’s late and i’m tired and i need a laugh to calm down before i sleep, i generally go search this fic up. remember when i mentioned the whole “being just as in love with nancy and steve as jonathan is” thing? it’s like that except... almost funnier. in you could be the one, it’s just that the story naturally tugs you into adoring these two messy, silly, sweet, amazing young adults, because how could you not? how else could you possibly feel? but here, they are genuinely just... that funny. they are actually just so funny that you as a reader click with them and find yourself grinning like an IDIOT because oh my god you’re disasters. maybe it’s the inherent relatability of a tired highschooler trying to make it through the summer and hating his job along the way, but this fic hits right in the heart every damn time.

got nothing for you other than love

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/17596658)

"You trust me," she says.

They both know it's a fact, not question, but he still says, "Of course."

and

By then, his shell wasn't something he could step out of. It was part of him. But that was okay. He didn't need more. What he had was enough.

He always did have trouble with wanting more.

and

"Hey, babe?" Nancy turns her head to look at Steve, touching his shoulder. "Can you buy me a drink?"

"Sure thing. What d'ya want?"

"Surprise me. Not like that time we were here and you snuck out the store, went to a smoothie stand, and came back with a mango smoothie."

Steve grins. "But I did surprise you."

and

"Do you have food in the backseat?"

"The sandwich has only been there for like, two weeks—"

and

"Ugh. Too much cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant, remember?"

"False, you're not intolerant of anyone except people over the age of fifteen with bowl cuts and guys who wear shorts in the winter."

and

"Where are you off to? I'm your only friend," Kali says, frowning.

and

"You good, man?"

"Yeah," he says, his throat dry, "I'm great."

"Yeah, you are," Nancy says, and he is. He is.

and i can’t continue because that’s, like, barely halfway into the fic and i’ve already skipped so many of my favourite lines and i would have to skip so many more. you see what i mean about sathana being funny as hell? and like all the others, it’s not just the humour here. i mean... it is, because it’s SO FUCKING FUNNY I LITERALLY CANNOT SAY THAT ENOUGH but the reason it’s so funny is because it’s so candid. it’s so smooth. the whole thing flows. you’re not left feeling that you’ve missed a piece or that anything was sacrificed; you just feel like you’ve read something incredible. this fic is an experience of its own that i honestly have never experienced before. it’s sweet, and it’s gentle, and it’s just so overwhelmingly good that i don’t think i’ll ever quite get over it. in short? it’s a blessing. my expectations were high, but holy fuck did you blow them to bits.

one more favourite line:

Things are ending, things are starting, and everything looks bright. It won't always be that way. The sun's got to set at some point. But, gazing up at the sky, at the pink bleeding into orange, Jonathan figures it'll have to rise again. No matter what happens, these two things are constant.

"Hey, you look awfully lonely," Nancy calls out, walking towards him, reaching out to him with the hand not in Steve's.

Well. Maybe not just those two things.

that scene, in general, is beautiful, and it wraps the story up on such a genuine note. it feels like a film with how clearly i can picture it. it feels like no fic i’ve ever really read before. it feels... good. i guess i don’t really have the words. it just feels so good.

as an overall statement on why i call her my favourite author... it’s the realism. maybe that’s surprising, considering how many times i said “funny” or “hilarious” in here, but in the end, i wouldn’t be so attached to her work if it didn’t feel so real. i can open a tab and instantly get transported to a home i’ve never lived in. it’s comfortable. it’s sweet. and the dialogue/banter is always perfectly crafted. there’s just never really a downside to her fics, honestly. even if i wanted to search, i don’t think i’d find one. not even one of those “their only problem is that there’s not more to enjoy” kind of comments, because every single one feels perfectly crafted in its own right. it doesn’t need more or less. it stands for itself and it’s goddamn good at it.

i didn’t anticipate having to do multiple parts on this post, but- surprise surprise- i haven’t even gotten to my favourite one yet! so yeah, pt. 2 will be written after i finish the history essay trying to murder me, god knows when that is. in the meantime, please go give her some love and adoration. she deserves it.

#stranger things fanfiction #stranger things #stoncy rights pls #stoncy #steve harrington #jonathan byers #nancy wheeler #fic rec #like HARD rec pls read #and if anyone who has read these fics wants to geek out w me....... come one and do it #sathana stans unite amirite

[chaotic-noceur]

regarding pragma.

read it here

Dear @softpedropascal

wow this took so much longer than I thought it would whoops.

So, first off- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope you have the bestest day ever cuz you deserve it!

I’m incapable of forming coherent thoughts so um...here’s a cumulative post of my running commentary because my binge reading plans got disrupted so this seemed... neater? Idk. anyways, here you go. 

Part 1

No matter how many meetings and mediations you two went through, he still found a reason to keep dragging this out.

I read this as ‘meetings and meditations’ and was very confused for a sec 😂

That hat. You got him that hat. He still wore it?

omg u gave the hat a backstory. adkgadflhg 😍

He was tempted. God, was he tempted, but he shook his head and stood up straight. 

This just. Yes. We love a respectful man. 

I love all the little hints that you’re dropping about the reader and Frankie’s backstory. 

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 2

He told himself long ago that be would never forgive her for what she did,

WHAT DID I DO OMG.

“Can’t you, I dunno, sign for him?” he asked.

😂😂Frankie. Sweetheart. Who do you take me for? I can’t forge someone’s signature. I don’t have the skills for that. 

There was a reason he didn’t say goodbye. He was afraid to. He was afraid that if he said them again, he would have to go another five years without seeing her. Or has it been longer?

mY hEaRt

Pope and and Frankie’s ENTIRE interaction. 😍 I love that he can see right through Frankie’s bs, loves him anyways but will give it to him straight. 

He was too busy thinking about how if he had gotten his shit together, he could be living here with her, taking walks to his favorite lake every day.

asdfgadfkglhdf!!! Boo it ain’t all your fault 😢 (or is it 😏)

It’s funny how the simplest touch can cause the most complex feelings—feelings that he had sworn he buried deep inside of him somewhere. It was a complicated thing trying to be angry at her because in that moment all was forgotten and forgiven.

the DEPTH. in these sentences. oml. I’m so ready to learn about this complicated backstory.  

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 3

“I can make him sign ‘em,” he offered.

YES. I love a low key threatening boi.

“Yeah, until you decided I wasn’t good enough,” 

“Did you want to show me what I could have had with you if I wasn’t such a fuck up.” He sighed and put his hands on his hips.

AFGHSKF OMG MY HEART.

“I’m trailing water and mud all over the place but just remember that I saved your life before getting mad, okay?” 

“Nothing. Just like saying your name.”

ahhhh these are precious!!  

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 4

“Yeah. People do that right? Day dates?” He honestly wasn’t sure. Dates weren’t his forte.

🥺 someone help him. He’s so cute omg. 

“We might’ve made out a little too,” he mumbled.

aksfhksdfg look at him turning into a flustered boy!!!

“No. I just…stopped looking up,”

Babes. Idk if the double meaning was intentional but like. Wow. That hit hard. 

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 5

and has a name like ‘Bill’ or ‘Tom’.”

oop. We love a subtle Redfly dig 😂

!!!! IDK WHAT TO BLOCKQUOTE BUT OMG FRANKIE BEING PROTECTIVE. THE READERS BACKSTORY. FRANKIE KISSING AT THE PAST BRUISES. ANGRY FRANKIE OMG. 😭

I’m sorry there’s probably some more amazing stuff after that but t’was not a good ace day so i skipped the smut

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 6

You hid your body from him at first and when he moved your hands, you covered your face. Then he told you to never hide from him—he would always think you were beautiful

🥺🥺 this is so soft omg

sorry skipped the smut but im sure it was beautiful

“I’m not going anywhere.” You moved his arms so you could kneel in front of him. “I’m staying.”

*incoherent screaming*

“You can ask me for anything. I would give up everything I for you.”

The whole ending scene was AMAZING okay but this. This line right here. Big hurt omg. He knows the weight of what he’s saying. He knows how hard the road to recovery is and how many things are gonna try push him off that path. But he says it anyways. And it really really shows just how much she means to him. Brava! 

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 7

lmao I really need to start reading the warnings 😂

She was never going to be sad longer than necessary if he had anything to do about it.

WHERE CAN I GET A FRANKIE OML 😭

“That no matter where we were, when we look up, we’re looking at the same moon.” He looked at her though she was still looking up. “That always kept me going, you know?”

THE SOFT. AHHHHHH

The moonlight seemed to shine directly on her and make her glow like some ethereal being. She was an angel. She had to be. The stars twinkled above them but he had his own right here right now.

eXcUsE mE. wHo gAvE yOu tHe rIgHt tO wRiTe sOmEtHIng tHiS bEAuTiFul

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 8

“Stop ruining my romantic moment, please.

HAHAHAH I LOVE!

I can’t even- Omg. This whole chapter. I have no words

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 9

“I can’t,” he said, voice broken. “Please just let me…let me hold you. Let me…”

IDK THE FULL CONTEXT TO THIS (really hating my ace-ness rn cuz this last line is so heartfelt) BUT OMG BROKEN FRANKIE I JUST. ARGHHH

you realized that you were embracing your entire world right then and there. Letting it go would be the hardest thing you’d ever do.

take my heart and crush it why don’t you omg. 😭😍

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 10

She was hurt again. And it was his fault again.

I can’t do it. I can’t be alone anymore.

asdfghjk GURL. WHO HURT YOU OMG. LEMME HURT THEM BACK. 

His world spun and he felt like he was falling. He fell and fell into the abyss with no one there to save him as the bag felt like it was burning a hole in his hand. Is it hot? He felt hot. Burning up. Had he finally died and gone to hell? God knows that’s where he belonged.

No. It’s just an overwhelming darkness. Nothing. And that’s what he wanted, right? To feel nothing.

*VERY INCOHERENT SCREAMING* This is beautiful writing omg. The raw emotion in this. Holy hell. 

oml. That transition from pure pain and angst into love just *chefs kiss*. Frankie deserves so much 😭

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 11

“It wasn’t supposed to make you cry,”

wHat eLsE wAs iT sUpPoSeD tO dO omg. 

This whole chapter was SO CUTE!!! The way that Frankie just knows things about her. UGH. 

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 12

“What if it’s big and pulls me in?!”

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY OMG

“I don’t wanna die,” he whispered.

His life felt as though it was falling apart all over again and he realized it was because she was the one that held him together and now that he was leaving, everything was one big mess again.

*inaudible screaming*

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 13

That ending tho! I love that you gave them their own little thing with the moon. Its so sweet 🥰and the Pope-Frankie friendship moments. *melts*

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 14

okay i was gonna blockquote but there was too much to quote This whole chapter felt so raw omg. If you’re pulling from real experience then I’m so sorry you ever had to go through that *pulls you into the biggest hug ever* (assuming you like hugs, if you don’t... i send you an affectionate ‘rubbing my forehead into your shoulder’)

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 15

“You could’ve walked in here with your head shaved and I’d still love it…but…please don’t.”

😂 yessss give me the humour in this sad

still haven’t learnt to read the warnings oml 🤦🏻‍♀️

ahhhh the soft reassuring Frankie content!!!!

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 16

“Probably because it’s Wednesday,” he said.

“It is?” you asked.

“Yeah. What day did you think it was?”

I FEEL SO ATTACKED OMG. What even is time anymore.

asfadsdfgdhk Its so SOFFTTT. Is this what it’s like to fall in love??😭

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 17

hallelujah i’ve finally learnt to read the warnings

ngaww Frankie being all excited and soft 🥺🥺 are they going camping?? are we gonna get Frankie in his element??

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 18

I’m as flat as a board back there.

I feel attacked and this wasn’t even directed at me oml 😂😂

tHeY aRe sO iN lOvE oMg 😍

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 19

I get it, it’s embarrassing, but I’m not judging you for it.

YES. In this house, we don’t judge people who are struggling to find jobs!

“I wouldn’t say them if you didn’t deserve them. You deserve good things, Frankie. You may not feel like you do but you do. Always.”

He sighed and rubbed your back. “If you say it then it must be true.”

*incoherent screaming* we all deserve good things okay 😭

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 20

thank you for the warnings that i’ve finally learnt to read before reading the fic

What if I’m a lost cause? Just some pathetic druggie who can’t get his shit together…mooching off his girl.

NOOO You’re not just some pathetic druggie Frankie😭😭

“Sleepovers? Do I get to paint your nails? Do your hair?”

Our love has aged gracefully kinda like us.

THE SOFT OMG 🥺🥺

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 21

“With all due respect, sir, I’m not and have never been an addict. Yeah, I did drugs. Yes, I hurt your daughter and she had to leave, but you know what, we’re together now and nothing’s gonna change that. She’s forgiven me and she loves me and that’s all that matters.”

YAS. I love this change from nervous wreck to confidence! 

This is so happy and soft and sweet oml. My angsty soul doesn’t know how to deal. 😭

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Part 22

Sweet baby jesus. It was soft. And then it was not. And then it was soft again and I just. *incoherent screaming* GURL. 

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ludus

I’m gonna have a house right on the other side of the lake.

asdfgI I Have Feelings.

GURLLL. This was so innocent!! They’re both so young and cute and asgalsfjghsd. 

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eros

“Are you running away from something?” she asked, and he bristled. “From me because you love me and don’t know how to say it?”

*incoherent screaming* well shit. you go gurl! you call him on his crap!

I skimmed the smut but like Frankie being a nervous wreck is 🥺

If you wanna see someone else while I’m gone, you can.

*more screaming because OMG if only he knew what that would lead to*

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ania

O damn. I kinda loved his slow descend into darkness... The fact that the reader still clings on to hope and love and just, damn. I’m lost for words. 

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coda

... 

...

that’s all my brain feels right now. that was dark, but like. a good dark. It was heart wrenching but beautiful and- “I won’t be able to find you if I’m lost myself,” THIS. I just. *chefs kiss* but also, *ugly sobbing*. 

#pragma commentary

[chloe-gayzer]

for the angst asks.... all of them. for mitali. and adora. >:)

okaaaaaaaaaaaay this was a LONG one lucy. but i did it. gonna put most of it behind a readmore tho

What would your OC’s last words be/what are they?

Adora: I don’t have exacts. She dies in her sleep when she’s rather old. Her last words are probably something to Jess before bed. Maybe something simple like “I love you.” Maybe instead of saying goodnight, she sort of knows she won’t wake up, so she says “I love you. Goodbye.”Mitali: I haven’t really thought of how she’ll die. If she dies fighting, her last words might be swears. Actually, she would probably die fighting. Protecting her own. I could imagine her staying behind in some situation to make time for who she’s helping. She’d fight to the death to keep her people safe. Her last words would be something along the lines of “Get somewhere safe. I’ll hold them off.” (as a quick side note, i haven’t beat New Dawn yet, so im not sure what’s going on ending wise).

What would break your OC beyond repair? Has it happened?

Adora: OKAY so I have an AU where Adora actually is The Judge (my usual canon is it’s Pratt). The thing that would break Adora the most is Jess seeing her as the Judge. She’d break to pieces if the people she loved had to see her like that. Especially if it’s Jess seeing her. She’d feel as though she’s betrayed everything she once stood for, everything she and Jess did together.Mitali: Mitali has already been broken a few times. She wasn’t long out of a bunker when her mothers were killed. That was the first. She was alone for awhile after that. After she joined up with Rush’s people, she ended up in love with a woman, but she was killed on the train.  At this point, she’d have to suffer multiple breaks at once to be beyond repair. Losing people important to her is her breaking point.

What is your OC’s worst memory?

Adora: She remembers her birth parents. She occasionally has nightmares about them, even as long out as New Dawn. She was adopted when she was around three or four. She had been badly abused before that and her back is covered in scars, so her worst memories are getting them. One thing that kept her going through spearheading the resistance is knowing she’d been through worse before she had lost her first tooth.Mitali: Watching her parents get killed. They’d been out of the bunker for maybe six months. She got away, but it didn’t really matter after that.

Does your OC have nightmares? What do they contain?

Adora: She has periods in her life where nightmares are more prevalent. She went to therapy when she was able until she moved to Hope County, and that helped, but after everything against the peggies, she definitely had constant nightmares in the bunker. Sometimes they’d be about her birth parents, but sometimes it might be things hunting her in the dark. Occasionally, she’ll have nightmares about Faith. Not Faith speaking to her, but what Faith went through. The drugs and abuse and what-not.Mitali: She has nightmares fairly often. Mostly being blamed for things she couldn’t stop. Other times it’s just standard “can’t move while things happen to her” dreams.

Your OC is facing their worst enemy. Who/what is it?

Adora: Fuck, Joseph Goddamn Seed. She despises that man. She’d have ripped his heart out if she got the chance. Who cares if he changed a bit between 5 and New Dawn? He still killed his infant, hour old daughter, still fucked with Faith (and the women who were “Faith” before her), killed so many innocents, and condoned his siblings torturing people.Mitali: Ugh is it cliche if I say herself? There’s a lot of things she needs to work on.

What would get your OC to make themselves disappear?

Adora: In a way, Adora did disappear. She’d never advertise that she was the deputy. The only people that know are her close friends and family; Jess, Grace, Hudson, the Ryes.Mitali: She’s just go. All she would need to do is head east and no one would know her. Let her accent bleed through more than she usually does and she’s got a new life out there.

Does your OC have any weaknesses? Have these ever been exploited?

Adora: She acts like she doesn’t, but mentions of physical abuse can make things bad for her. No one has used it, but if someone were to somehow know her history and talk about her birth parents abusing her, it’d fuck her up really bad.Mitali: Despite claiming she has no connections and what not, her weakness is people. The people she loves, the people who are her friends. Right before the (first?) siege of Prosperity, the twins used that against her. Threatening Carmina as well as those children.

What is the closest your OC has come to death?

Adora: Pick one. She nearly died at age three when her birth mother hit her just a little harder than usual. She was taken from them after that.  Or how about the many, many times in Hope County? The helicopter crash, the near drowning, the Bliss overdoses, and the frequent kidnapping. Having Wrath carved into her chest. There’s more.Mitali: She’s had plenty. Her first was probably getting attacked by a wolf when she was on her own around 16 years old, after her mothers died. She won, but barely. And then she’s got the bits in New Dawn. More near drowning!

What is the greatest sacrifice your OC could ever make? Under what circumstance would they make it?

Adora: Letting Joseph Seed go. She wants more than anything to kill him. Pulling herself back and, not forgiving, but letting go that grudge in order to leave Hope County and move on with her life is a huge thing for her. Sacrificing the closure of ending it. The circumstance she makes it under is finding somewhere safer, where she, her girlfriend, and anyone else who joins them, can find comfort and support.Mitali: Herself. She would give herself, for the right reasons. She would do it for the people she protects. If something happened and she couldn’t ensure the safety of her people, or specifically, the small group of friends she’s made (the Ryes, Grace, Gina and her baby, Savannah, all of them), she’d stay behind to give them the chance to escape. She’d give her life so she didn’t have to lose anyone again.

What is the worst loss your OC has suffered?

Adora: The end of Far Cry 5 :/Mitali: Again, her mothers. She was barely past being a child when she lost them.

Your OC is forced to kill a member of their family or a friend. Who do they choose, and why?

Adora: I wanna joke and say Sharky, but I really think she’d kill herself. But if it’s blood family, she’d kill one of her birth parents. They deserve it.Mitali: Family wise, she has none. Friend wise, most are dead with the train crash. She’d kill herself before she killed any of the Ryes. If it has to be an actual friend, she’d have to go Gina, but she’d make sure it was a face to face fight, not a sudden knife to the back.

To what extent would your OC go to survive?

Adora: Fighting, she’ll do near anything. Surviving, it really depends. If it’s her on her own, she’ll do anything. If there are others with her, she’s more likely to forgo food so they can eat. Think Nina from Bioshock 2, starving herself so the kids can live longer.Mitali: As far as she has to. There’s little she hasn’t done to keep herself alive when she was living alone. It was probably four years as a teenager that she was alone in the woods. You do what you have to.

Has your OC suffered trauma?

Adora: Her entire life except like. The parts with her dads or her gf.Mitali: Watching her parents die is probably the biggest.

Would your OC let themselves be forced into a loveless marriage?

Adora: Hell no.Mitali: Mmmmmmmaybe. Lots a conditions there. It’s unlikely though, cause her biggest dream is having a wife and a child.

How far would you OC go to protect their loved ones?

Adora & Mitali, because it’s the same for both: Yes. Yes is how far.

Your OC has exactly 15 minutes to live. What is their last act?

Adora: She’d just want to be held by Jess until she passed. Hearing aids in, if only to hear Jess’s voice.Mitali: Idk, she’d probably pick a fight with the nearest Highwaymen. The Twins if she could.

What is your OC’s greatest failure?

Adora: She considers her biggest failure being not killing Joseph Seed. She wants him dead more than anything, but she failed and has to live with it.Mitali: She considers the train her biggest failure.

What is the worst possible ending for your OC and why?

Adora: When she’s taken and turned into the Judge, She loses too much of herself. Almost anything else would be better.Mitali: The worst for Mitali would probably be… ending up a Highwaymen or something similar. Going against her morals, killing the innocents she once protected, and not caring. Becoming the rash, chaotic, and violent type of person she usually fights.

What is your OC’s preferred method of death?

Adora: Something painless. She wouldn’t care what, but she’d want it painless and she wouldn’t want to be cold.Mitali: She’d want to go down fighting. Something bloody and tiring and altogether only just able to overwhelm her after she’s already put up too much of a fight.

How does your OC sleep at night?

Adora: Depends on where she is. If she’s in the bunker she uses, she can sleep through the night most of the time. If Jess is in bed with her, she’s comfortable and gets a full night’s rest. If she’s not in the bunker, she’s got it a little harder to fall asleep and much easier to wake.Mitali: She tosses and turns a lot.The smallest sound can wake her, which is why she prefers not to sleep in Prosperity. The bunk rooms are too noisy for her. It’s only when she can share a bed with Savannah can she get any real sleep there at all.

What is the worst thing your OC has done?

Adora: She feels, despite the conditions of Faith’s death and what Faith had done, that killing Faith was one of the worst things. Maybe the worst. It has to do with their similar background: abused and used and eventually adopted-- But where Adora’s fathers gave her a loving home and helped her recover, Faith’s new brothers got her further into her addiction and made everything worse. Adora hates that she had to kill Faith. She would’ve rather tried to help. Mitali: How she killed the men who killed her mothers. It wasn’t slow and it wasn’t quick.

What is your OC the most guilty about?

Adora: Not calling her fathers before she went on the job to arrest Joseph.Mitali: Bringing her girlfriend with her when they headed on the train for Prosperity.

Would your OC be considered good or bad by an outsider?

Adora: Good, probably. She’s a warm, smiley sort of person.Mitali: Bad, until they got to know her. She’s pretty grumpy and swears a good deal.

Who does your OC hate most?

Adora: Joseph Seed!!!Mitali: She’s full of self hate if that counts.

What does your OC love most, and what would they do to keep it?

Adora: Adora Addicks loves, with all her heart and soul, one lovely Jessica Black, and would do anything at all to keep her. She’s not materialistic, but she would and has killed a man for Jess.Mitali: After the bombs, there isn’t much physically that she could lay claim on and be attached to. If she has to be attached to an object, it’d be her shotgun. But her love… it’s a limited supply thing. She tries not to do that sort of thing because she often loses it soon after. But she loves the Ryes and what they’ve done for her. And she’s fighting an entire gang to keep them.

Has your OC ever had unrequited feelings of any kind for someone?

Adora: She definitely had a baby gay crush on Grace. Definitely had a few crushes on girls in high school that just weren’t meant to be. The woman who taught her to spar was her idol for a while too.Mitali: Admittedly I’d count how Mitali feels for Kim. There’s other women in her past too, but they’re just faces for her at this point. She’d do anything for Kim. Which is why she got Nick back as soon as she could.

How does your OC deal with rejection?

Adora: She pouts for a bit but gets some space so she can clear her head and feel better.Mitali: She’s used to it. Might have a few drinks, but no more.

Would your OC ever reject someone?

Adora: Literally any man. She’s a lesbian after all.Mitali: Once more, she’d reject literally any man. She might be okay with like… a platonic marriage with Rush? More of a “we’re partners and we’re close but we don’t do that whole sex thing”. Maybe raise a kid with him. But every other man would be a big old NO.

Why does your OC have the flaws that they have?

Adora: She can be spiteful. She might bury the hatchet, but she also remembers where she did. She sees spite as getting back at those who’ve wronged her but in a creative way. For example, she lives happily as a deaf woman, often without wearing her hearing aides, because her birth parents often hit her for “not listening”. But she can’t listen, and she’s happy with who she is. She doesn’t need to hear.Mitali: She’s an angry person. It stems from trauma in her teens and not being able to properly socially develop between 16 and 20.

Would your OC kill?

Adora: Doesn’t like to, but she has and would again.Mitali: She was only 15 when she killed her first person.

Would your OC torture?

Adora: If the right reasons were there or if she was too in her emotions.Mitali: Definitely.

Does your OC hate? To what extent?

Adora: Yes. To the extent she wants to kill Joseph with her bare hands.Mitali: Definitely. To the extent she’s killed people she hated in gruesome ways out of revenge.

How does your OC let out anger?

Adora: She takes a break and goes fishing. It calms her down and lets her think things out.Mitali: She might go hunting. Could be for deer, could be for highwaymen. Maybe for something monstrous if she needs a challenge. Probably takes Gina with her for whatever she’s fighting.

#deafuty #deputy Adora addicks #captain mitali #elusetta #the lost asks

[renewingagain]

sunday 13th february 2022 // 9:17pm

i have crieeddddd so much today and last night when i was out

life is incredibly overwhelming right now and there is a lot going on, february is wild! theres the job stuff, im moving house this month, im turning 24, goshhhhh i cannot deal with this right nowwww

anyway my main reason for crying yesterday was because of alex. ugh it sounds so like annoying and he didnt even do anything

it makes me so sad that we can't and don't have sex, i think i may be really insecure (thats how i feel right now anyway) i cant fully understand how i feel

but the constant reminders of him having such a rich sexual past and having had sex with a lot of people and not me, really hurts

it makes me feel undesirable, and i think to be honest i still don't really understand it. and im sorry that i dont understand it and wish i could

but i dont get how he had sex all these times over all these years, and its now that he just suddenly doesn't want to. now i understand that this has come on as a result of sobriety, but i still just don't get it. i dont understand it

and it really hurts when i just get reminded of his previous sex life in any way, its like a gut punch because we're not doing it and other boys have got to explore my boyfriend in a way that i've never been able to. i feel lame and i feel like a mug

and i also feel insecure, because then i just feel very unsexy. and i know its not the case that alex doesn't find me sexy, i know he does, but my mind still cant help but go there

and then like last night for example where i met a guy that hes shagged before, i compare myself to them because idk he was like a pretty boy and then i think oh am i not pretty enough

and then its like almost embarrassing? knowing that other people have got to explore my boy like that and i havent been able to. it really sucks and its kinda fucking with me a bit

why doesnt he want to have sex with me? why doesnt he want to fuck me?

i dunno

if it was like always the case that alex never really enjoyed sex or whatever his whole life then thats fine - thats different

but its the fact that he has done it his whole life, and then suddenly as we start dating he doesnt want to anymore. then again, i just think, does he just not find me sexy? does he just like my company and thats it?

idgi

and what makes this all so hard is the fact that i love him so much. i am in love with him. im attached to him and i dont want to lose him

i just wish this didnt hurt me so much but it does. but the pain of breaking up would be so hard too. i wouldnt wanna shag anyone at all and it would take forever and a day to get over him

and even with us being open, i dont even want to fuck other guys. i want to fuck him because he's my boyfriend and i love him so fucking much

i've never experienced love before like this. i never knew what it was like to love someone romantically but i do now. and we are such a great couple otherwise, we get on, we are intimate and close and oh so cute

and that makes it hard too because he literally gives me an instant boner when he is near me hahaha

i think its really important that we keep talking about it but he doesn't want to either. he will talk about sex to an extent and then shut down because he is tired or exhausted from it or upset, which is fine and his feelings are obviously completely valid. but then my mind is at constant unrest

i dont know whether to talk to him asap or wait until after i've moved out and had my bday because i dont want that to be ruined lol

i can just see how i feel this week i guess. i want to be with him on my birthday. i love him so much :(

sooo yeah plan 1 is either talk to him ASAP, or plan 2 is to wait and move out and get settled. the original plan tbh was to wait and see how i feel about all over this after moving out, because thats when i can have boys around whenever, i could still do this plan but it just depends on how im feeling

as well as this, i also need help hahahaha

i've fully deeped that my life has just been so traumatic. covid fucked everything, theres been a lot of religious trauma, and i cant process it all

thats a writing for another time i think. but i need to be kind to myself and cut myself some slack, ive really been through a lot and i dont acknowledge that enough

having a chat with georgia today was nice. shes persuaded me to get help , im gonna call the EAP tomorrow and discuss what can be done

anyway, i dont know what to do about alex. i really dont

im in two minds because i really dont want to lose him, my heart hurts just thinking about it. i am truly torn

and i know he loves me and i dont doubt that at all. maybe my head is just going in circles

lets just see how this week goes. take it easy on ones self g, you gotta love yourself

it could be worth talking to matt h maybe, hes such a nice boy and i feel like i can approach him

but is that snaking alex? should i maybe talk to danny mac instead given that he knows we're open?

gah

[wen-junehui]

170827 ; Diamond Edge NYC Fan Account

ALRIGHT YALL IM FINALLY READY TO FACE MY EMOTIONS AND WRITE THIS OUT!!! It’s mostly for myself because it was honestly the best night/concert of my life and the more time passes the more I’m gonna struggle remembering SO HERE GOES WOOOO (very very long mess of words BRACE YOURSELVES)

BEFORE (4am-5pm)

SO I actually managed to get up at 4am and I didn’t get much sleep anyway because I was so damn nervous BUT we got ready, ate some breakfast, and managed to leave my house by 6am! We took all the public transport we needed and walked to Terminal 5 and my friend and I were ahead of everyone else and once we were close a huge sea of people wearing rose quartz serenity appeared outta nowhere in the corner. WE WERE LIKE SHIT HOW DID PEOPLE GET HERE EARLIER THAN US YALL DEDICATED and they immediately separated us into our different sections so our friend group split up and I was in VVIP with 3 other friends.

We had a really good spot in line until a group of people who camped out the night before (SOME EVEN SINCE FRIDAY LIKE YALL CHILL PLS ITS ILLEGAL AND UGH) so they got priority in line and I was so freaking angry BUT YA KNOW WHAT MY NIGHT ENDED UP BEING GREAT SO DFLJKGH ITS ALL GOOD

We waited in line outside until 11am blasting music and dancing! Some people even recognized me from KCON and I was like UMMM HELLO??? They recognized me from my hair and now I feel like I should never change my hair color ever again LOL BUT THAT WAS COOL IM HAPPY TO GIVE HARU MORE RECOGNITION THRU MY HAIR WEE WOO

So at 11am we were moved to the rooftop and stayed there until the hi touch! It was pretty fun for the first half up until let’s day 3:30-4pm ish??? we were jamming to songs and singing svt while they were doing soundcheck right below us and THEY COULD HEAR US WOW AND one of the MMT staff (I think I heard her name was Jaylee but imma just say J) filmed us cheering for svt and shit camille and i were in the bathroom and suddenly everyone started screaming so i ran out and someone told me scoups said hi LOL SO MAH GIRL AND I WERE DANCING BY THE BATHROOMS WILDLY AND WOO we made svt laugh thats fun! my friends and i also played kpop charades/heads up to pass the time and i did 5 rounds in a row just to get cherry bomb but i NEVER GOT IT AND IM SAD BUT OH WELL

When we only had like an hour or so left it was the longest hour of our lives omg the sun was blasting its full rays on us and it was just the tail end of endless waiting that we had to endure because everything after this went by in a breeze OHOHOHO

HI-TOUCH (5pm)

ALRIGHT THIS IS WHERE IT ALL BEGINS!!! So once we started lining up and walked down the stairs my heart began to race and it finally hit me that it’s actually happening and i’m seeing svt up close AH. They had a box to drop off fan gifts on the way so I’m happy I got to pass along to Jun the Hui Hui plushie that I made! I wish I took a picture of it beforehand but I forgot ;-; 

NOW ONTO THE ACTUAL HI TOUCH!! Thanks to my lovely HARU peeps who have a much better memory than me the official order was: minghao, vernon, hosh, jun, jeonghan, jihoon, seungkwan, dino, wonwoo, dk, scoups, josh, and mingyu. SO NO ONE EXPECTED MINGHAO TO BE FIRST AND SHIT MINGHAO SHOOK ME SO HARD HE’S SO HOT IN PERSON MY HAND WAS SHAKING AS I LIFTED IT UP. To Vernon I said YO VERNON WHATS UP and he was like YEEAHHH wow vernon is so much more handsome and chiseled in person goddamn every angle in his face can cut mE. SEEING HOSH’S 10:10 EYE SMILE UP CLOSE WAS THE BEST AND HE LEANED AGAINST THE BARRIER LIKE WOW HELLO 

When I got to Jun hoh mah gah how does he exist his hair looked so soft and fluffy and YALL HIS 60 DEGREE NOSE DESERVES ITS OWN MUSEUM ITS SO BEAUTIFUL JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER FEATURE IN HIS FACE AND (WHEEZE) I said “你是My I(爱）” which means “you are my i/love” AND HE JUST STARED AT ME AND THEN LOOKED TO THE NEXT PERSON SO I FELT KINDA EMBARRASSED but at the same time it was really hectic so maybe he didn’t hear me properly or was just overwhelmed or confused I DUNNO BUT GAH ITS OKAY

Okay tbh bc I was so flustered from jun I breezed through jeonghan, woozi, and seungkwan that my memories of them are kinda hazy BUT ONCE I GOT TO DINO I SLOWED DOWN BC ITS DINO YALL PLS STAN THIS TALENTED HUMAN. i don’t remember wonwoo much either bc dino but scoups and dk were the nicest and dk thanked everyone like bless this boy!! I said WHAT UP to scoups and YO WHATS UP JOSH TO JOSH AND MINGYU HELD MY HAND LONGER AND SQUEEZED IT AND WOW THE LATTER HALF WAS SUCH A NICE EXPERIENCE IM SO HAPPY

After hi touch, we entered the floor and we got a really good view of the stage only two people in front of us! BUT THE THING IS THEY WERE HELLA TALL WITH PHONES FILMING THE ENTIRE TIME but that didn’t detract from the amazing time we had! They played most of svt’s mvs like the ones they performed and once don’t wanna cry played at the end the music got louder it got darker AND SO IT BEGINS

WEN JUNHUI STARING INTO MY SOUL

Interactions get their own section because oh mah gah I’m so shook that it actually happened and wow I need to relive these on their own. SO

After the hi touch, I honestly thought shit jun thinks i’m weird omg i should’ve said something else but he kept on looking at me the entire night and i still can’t believe it happened???? I made an exact replica of my kcon ny poster that said ”我爱俊辉“ which means “I love Junhui” and I know for sure he noticed it in the first half of the concert! 

During Highlight, he kept on staring at me during the chorus!!! Like we were on the right side of the stage (Camille and I were like OKAY RIGHT SIDE IS WHERE WE GET THE BEST VERNON AND JUN VIEWS) and every time the chorus came on and he was right in front of me, he literally stared at the me the entire time for all of the choruses!!!! and like I said before i couldn’t even move during highlight so he must’ve seen how shook I was and dfjghsjdklgf oh my god I couldn’t deal like having your bias stare you down the entire night and have you as his “target” is an experience. And his stares are like an experience in itself like they’re kinda sensual in a way with the way he looks at you. dfgjhslgjkhs

DURING MY I, for the second verse during his part HE STARED AT ME AGAIN while minghao was front of him on the ground and holy heck i was so triggered like of all parts it had to be that one and it’s my favorite part of the song because his “yeah” is so freaking cute and hot at the same time dflghsjdg

ALSO WHEN THE MEMBERS DID THEIR TALK RIGHT BEFORE DONT WANNA CRY, I caught him staring at me from across the room!! That sounds so cliche but he was all the way on the left side of the stage at the end of the line. I was looking at the members in front of us but when I turned my head to look at Jun I was surprised to catch eye contact with him like HELLO?!?! All i did in response was smile and then I turned my attention back to the members in front because fdkjlhgjskd I couldn’t man.

BUT MY FAVORITE JUN MOMENT OF THE NIGHT. During the encore some members had cameras that they would film with and Jun had one. So during healing, he came over to our side again and turned the camera towards us. I lifted up my Jun poster high up so it would be in the shot AND WHEN HE TURNED BACK AROUND HE GAVE ME THE BIGGEST AND MOST GENUINE SMILE EVER. Like ya know when he smiles really widely or when he laughs all his teeth are showing and his eye smile and nose scrunches a lil THATS THE SMILE HE GAVE ME AND IT WAS THE BEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT. I’m so fucking happy all of these things happened with Jun and wow I’m glad I was his target/muse for the night and that I was able to give him happiness. :’)

One of the reasons why Jun is my ultimate bias is because of how into the performance he gets and “gets into character”. His stage presence definitely catches your eye and UGH HE’S JUST SO FREAKING TALENTED AND HIS MOVES ARE SO SHARP IT COULD CUT ME INTO PIECES!!! I LOVE WEN JUNHUI

HONORABLE MENTION: YOON JEONGHAN

OKAY, I knew Jeonghan was gonna wreck me in some way because he’s one of my main wreckers BUT OH MY GOD I DID NOT EXPECT THIS MUCH.

First off during Pretty U, he smiled at me twice at the part when they’re in a circle and Seungkwan does his high note!! The first time was when he was kneeling on the floor and and did the fancy hand arm move things and the second was when he got up to sing his part! I was smiling at him the entire time and wow such a lovely moment.

During the vocal unit stages, I caught him staring at me during We’re Gonna Make it Shine and ugh my god this is only the beginning. During Don’t Wanna Listen in Secret I caught him staring at me again during the chorus and I was also mouthing the lyrics so it’s like I was basically singing along with him AND DFJKGJSD IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

BUT WHAT REALLY SHOOK ME AND I CAN NEVER LOOK AT HIM THE SAME WAY EVER AGAIN. During the encore, Jeonghan was drinking water right and since he was in front of me I couldn’t help but look at him. So when we made eye contact HE WIGGLED HIS EYEBROWS AT ME AND HOLY HELL I WAS SO ATTACKED LIKE UM EXCUSE ME SIR I UM DFGKJHS. i was so flustered all I said to Camille after was FUCK YOON JEONGHAN!! he did it while drinking his ater and ugh my god I really think he was lowkey playing with me the entire night and this was the final blow. i’m so wrecked by jeonghan i’m--!!!

DIAMOND EDGE (7pm-9:30pm) [HIGHLIGHT ;) REEL]

Literally the best concert of my life. I’m never going to stop saying this because I know everyone’s really tired because having concerts at every other day is crazy af and jun, wonwoo, and jeonghan looked the most drained. despite this though everyone put on an incredible and breathtaking show. They did a lot of remixes for a bunch of their songs.

PRETTY U WAS THE OPENER AND IT WAS LIKE THAT ONE CHRISTMAS PRETTY STAGE AND IT WAS SO FREAKING CUTE!! Beautiful live was also just a huge bundle of joy to see because the members were joking around and playing with each other onstage like jun and vernon had a bro moment where jun walked past vernon and vernon stuck out his tongue like YEEE BOI hehe

When vocal unit started singing We’re Gonna Make It Shine I literally started to tear because everything was so beautiful and the song has so much meaning to it and WOW IM GETTING REALLY EMOTIONAL JUST THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN but all of vocal unit’s stages were absolutely breathtaking and hearing their voices and harmonies live damn REASONS WHY THEY’RE MY FAVE UNIT ALSO DK. OMG. THAT BOY IS SO MUCH MORE HANDSOME IN PERSON. And his eyes are so twinkly like I’m convinced actual stars live in his eyes I compared his eyes to Jeonghan and Seungkwan who were beside him and wow his eyes just light up the entire room :’)

HIP HOP UNIT DOE. OH MAH GAH LIT DOESN’T EVEN DESCRIBE HALF OF IT. everyone was so freaking pumped but y’all vernon’s stage presence stood out the most because he was honestly just letting himself go and having the time of his life and feeling the beat and feeling himself LIKE YAAASS BOI U GO. He’s definitely of the top 3 performers of the night HE. IS. SO. GOOD. when he said pretty motherfucker I WAS LIKE FUCK YES AND I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM FOR A BIT FOR PRACTICE WHAT U PREACH BC CAMILLE AND I WERE JUST GOING AWF IN ON THE FLOOR. Also WONWOO!! He didn’t show much emotion(? for lack of a better word) throughout the night and seemed kinda intimidating but there was something about him that made me keep staring at him and wow seeing him for the first time live since we wasn’t at kcon ny last year i was definitely captivated by him. And when we went FUCK YEAH I WAS LIKE DFKJGHJSD YAAASS

ALRIGHT. PERFORMANCE UNIT. H I G H L I G H T.  OH. MY. GOD. OHMYGOD. (omg was amazing too btw dlfjghdsk performance unit is DFKJGDSJKG) I literally could not move while watching Highlight. It’s my second fave svt song after Pretty U and I was in awe. I couldn’t even scream or move (my friend was shook that I was so still and didn’t make a sound LOL) I was so in shock at how beautiful it was in person. As much as I wanted a fancam of it from my perspective i didn’t even dare to reach for my phone let alone look anywhere else because it was such a masterpiece. AND OKAY THEY DID THIS THING WHERE THEY ADDED AT THING AT THE END AND JUN SLOWLY ROTATED HIS HEAD AND WOW HIS ADAM’S APPLE CUT MY PUPILS AND SNATCHED THEIR EDGES HOH MAH. ALSO I’m serious y’all need to stan Dino like everyone that I talked to about Dino they’re like he’s too young. But you can still stan him!!! Romantic feelings are not a requirement to stan people!!! appreciate him for his talent!!! His stage presence and dancing is THE BEST in the group and i’m telling you I call him the child prodigy for a reason. Hoshi and Minghao are AMAZING performers as well and ugh every single person in perf unit is PERFect okay. I’m so thankful I got to see OT4′s version of highlight because it’s absolutely amazing live.

MY I. HOOOOOOOH MAH GOODNESS. THIS SONG. THIS PERFORMANCE. THIS CHOREOGRAPHY. CHINA LINE. EVERYONE STAN CHINA LINE. Again I was in complete awe. I couldn’t move I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t LIVE. The way they smoothly incorporated the ribbon was so beautiful and during the part where jun and minghao do wushu jumps after jun did his thing he was smiling and laughing bc apparently he messed up? I’m not sure my friend said he did but I could’ve sworn I saw him do his jump and i dunno seeing him being so smiley and cute was dkjfhgjdf AND MINGHAO STROKED JUN’S CHEEK AT ONE POINT LIKE WOW AMPLIFIED THE EMOTION OF THE SONG SO MUCH

So the encore was ughhh the cherry on top! I’ve always wanted to get water splashed on me like ya know how the artists get so hyped and ish with the water YEAH IM SO HAPPY MY FIRST TIME WAS WITH SVT. The first time we got splashed was with scoups AND IT GOT IN MY EYE and the second time we were kinda drenched it was beautiful i’m so happy that happened and us jumping along with them during healing was the best experience ever. when they did shining diamond i was so happy to clearly see the part where hosh is in the front and everyone’s leaning on their thighs such an iconic part and considering shining diamond has so much meaning behind it and the song that started it all i’m truly thankful to have seen it its full glory :’)

AND I CAUGHT A BUNCH OF MEMBERS STARING AT MY BONGBONG NEW YORK POSTER DURING THE ENCORE! Like I noticed Vernon and Jeonghan looking at my poster but Seungkwan!!! Seungkwan was the most memorable because it was when he started crying so when he saw my poster he started to cry more AND DFGJHSJ BOO BOO MY HEART. Making that poster stressed me out a lil bit but I’m glad it turned out nicely in the end at that they loved it. :’)

LAST THOUGHTS

Okay this post covers a huge chunk of the night but my entire google doc of my memories has a bunch more. i’m so thankful for seventeen and being a carat and watching them grow. from debut to now, i can’t thank them enough for all the happiness and positivity and hope they’ve given me and i’ll never forget this concert and everything about this day. i will never stop supporting and loving them and i already can’t wait until they come back. thank you seventeen for everything and giving us a phenomenal show. 

we’ll always be your shining diamonds acting as your light whenever things may start to get dark. ♡

#seventeen #seventeen diamond edge #diamond edge nyc #I FINALLY DID IT #this is the worst pcd i've ever experienced so finding the strength to write this was a lil hard #i miss them so much already #i've never felt so much love for a group and ugh i just love all of them so much

[survivoremathia]

Ep. 2 - "You May be Hot but You Can at Least Pretend to Laugh at my Jokes" - Isaac

I am now in a trio alliance with JD and Lydia. We're like Destiny's Child, but I'm Beyonce of course. The strategy (originally thought of by JD), is what I've dubbed 'Destiny's Child and Destiny's Children'. Us three are the core three, who will each link up with another one of the children, to form a majority. We'll pool all the information together and control the tribe. Can you call us a thruple?

The next immunity challenge - Afterlife Crawl - is issued.

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/157844105761/immunity-challenge-2

Swedevivor. Whoever the branding team behind Swedish Survivor was needs to GET THEIR ACT TOGETHER. Swedevivor is a genius name! Anywho, just did the Elysium part of the challenge and I think I did okay (even though I took probably too long...)... I've not too pressed about this challenge, as Aleeza is the unfortunate obvious first boot if we go to tribal anywho.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by this game, I haven't done anything for either challenge and I only know the names of three of my tribe members. It's like a ticking time bomb of when will I be voted off

I HAVE MY OWN WIKI PAGE, TAKE THAT HATERS!

http://tumblr-survivor-athena.wikia.com/wiki/Ali

My confession? I love Jay. Right now I love Jay more than I love Abbey. Mostly because Jay needs the extra support, but I do. Love u both sm have a great night babes

I just want my tribe to like me and I'm trying really hard because I feel like they don't™. Like lowkey everytime I make a joke it isn't acknowledged and I try very hard to come up with material. Also Samuel in particular I feel like doesn't like me. He kind of doesn't even acknowledge my existence? Like bye you may be hot but you can at least pretend to laugh at my jokes.

Whew i think this is my first one so We voted out Linus bc he wasnt there (and because me matt ryan and Owen alligned) and now we slayed this fucking challenge we literally did that whew. I trust my alliance for now but we'll see about that in the future ColinHEY I DID SOMETHING. I ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING TO HELP OUT :') I can't believe I did that. Im cryin. I did something productive y'all. i saved us from going to tribal council. Now we're the only tribe still completely intact. I'm also starting to talk a lot with the people on my tribe?? And I think I get along with like everyone?? To think last round I was crying about how I wouldn't fit in bc I'm new and all and now IM DOING THAT.

OH YEAH I ALSO HAVEN'T MADE A CONFESSIONAL SINCE LAST ROUND SO I'LL UPDATE YALL WITH MY NEW STRATEGY™. So I still love Logan and Trevor so much. I talk to them pretty much daily. Now I'm DETERMINED TO GET AN OFFICIAL ALLIANCE TONIGHT!!!! WISH ME LUCK YALL. Right now I still kinda wanna lay low. Like not to toot my own horn but I am a really good strategic player and manipulator, but I don't want to show that yet. I need to just play socially right now. I need to sit back, let others do stuff, and build a cute lil alliance around me. I'm stoked for this game now y'all have no idea

Boy do I have a lot to talk about. So first off YAY! First alliance! Me, Ali and Lydia are calling our selves Destiny's Children. Kinda because our plan was to baby the others in the tribe to make sure they were comfortable, then when we had to we'd start kicking them off. I don't think we're gonna do that anymore but we are three and we are with the newbies so I don't think they'll notice. Or one of us will get blind sides. But really... Why? The three of us were the strongest in the first challenge and we /almost all/ bombed the last one. Get rid of the person not playing, they are the weakest link, so good bye.

OKAY THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE MADE A CONFESSIONAL IN LIKE THE PAST HOUR BUT I GOT A LOT TO SAY. Ok maybe adding Trevor and Logan into an alliance was  BAD IDEA they seem awkward and they both told me they used to not get along so this is a weird alliance dynamic. But they both still cute and sweet so I'll try to make it work. If this ends up biting me in the ass I'll cry.

So gosh, I got a little worried earlier. Thought that my alliance member was picking a fight with one of the hosts. Dear god, worried as fuck I was. But that's what you get for only seeing one side of the conversation. I'm glad she spoke up, even if she didnt win the tie breaker and we still gotta go to tribal but it's alllll good. I'm glad she did it. Gave us a fighting chance and put two of our own in the labrynth too. And one of my own :D

Once again, I have no clue what's going on this game. I'm just trying to float on by and get through to the next challenge and hopefully get to play

I'm pretty sure Ali is in control of our tribe, which I'm okay with as long as they can keep me safe

George and Aleeza are removed from the Odysseus tribe after officially quitting, which will be announced later in the episode.

George and Aleeza just got removed from the tribe at the same time and then we were told a post was coming. Hopefully that means Aleeza was voted out or something because Aleeza is barely ever active in the tribe.

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/157888463891/results-immunity-2

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/157890146531/announcement-tiebreaker

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/157890928596/results-tie-breaker

my tribe won immunity I'm very happy but rip Lydia huh

*blink*blink*.  The fuck just happened??!?!

So I’m pretty sure Trevor just went to everybody and told them about the labyrinth in the rules things because I was talking to Rob and he said that Trevor told him and Logan about the Labyrinth rule things and I was like hm that’s funny. And now I look at the wiki and our tribe is the only tribe to have pretty much everyone go to the labyrinth I think. I kinda know about the game Trevor plays because I read generations confessionals when I was really bored one day. I know something he likes to do to build trust with people is throw them information that you would think he would only tell you because he trusts you when in reality it’s something that he just using to make you believe that he trusts you with important information. For example the labyrinth being one of those things. You would think that only somebody who trusts you would tell you a way to get into the labyrinth. Well Trevor knows that, and he’s trying to use it to his advantage and he’s not being very sneak about it. I don’t blame him I do the same exact thing but I don’t go to literally everyone and tell them that. People talk and now he’s already getting caught trying to have his hand in multiple cookie cookie jars. I’m happy I decided to call with Rob because after this call I feel like I have a few plays that I can make to survive our first tribal council. Whenever that is at least. First Rob told me that Logan doesn’t trust Trevor and there’s some bad blood between them and Trevor. Now say like I said in my last confessional it does come to one of us three bangladesh peeps being targeted cause that’s really the only smart thing for these people to do. I can just pull a Cady Herron and shove Logan right in front of a bus and just tell Trevor that Logan doesn’t trust him because of Divergent which he knows will be true cause I know nothing about that game so there’s no reason for me to know that without actually being told it. If it has to be someone from bangladesh I want it to be Logan cause Rob is someone who I do really trust for now. I don’t know whether I should hold onto the information about Logan not trusting Trevor or if I should tell him whenever we end up calling like he wanted to. I do really like Trevor as a friend but I also am thinking it might be good to eventually take him out if I see that there is an opportunity to now or at a tribe swap. I’m hoping Lydia will really want to work with me because if she is willing to I’m willing to actually be loyal to her and be a close ally to her. But I know her and Trevor are like the bestest friends so there is no chance of Lydia being loyal to me over him which I don’t like. I’m such a selfish player lkvwcwkkw. I feel like I trust Trevor, and I trust Lydia. But for some reason when I think about playing with the both of them like together I don’t trust them as much as playing with just one of them at a time. Just cause I feel like if it is us three together than I will always be the musketeer that’s on the outs and they will definitely trust each other over me. I need to take Trevor out so that Lydia doesn’t have that person that she is comfortable with to run to once we swap or merge. I want to be that person that Lydia trusts the most if I do end up working with her and that will never be me as long as Trevor is in the game.

... in the words of a wise host called... Host 1... *" CATCH THESE HANDS"*

George and Aleeza officially quit the game, and a mutiny is offered in attempt to re-balance the tribes. Tribal council is cancelled.

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/157917281706/announcement

OH YIKES A MUTINY. Okay so unless Logan or Trevor both say they want to mutiny, I won't, under any circumstances. I don't see any benefit to mutiny at this point, like our tribe seems pretty solid and intact. I really hope no one from Oympus chooses to mutiny. It'd just be bad to lose someone at this point, I'd rather just wait for the tribe swap in a couple rounds. The only people on our tribe who I feel MAY leave would be Isaac and Sam. I'm not really that close with them but I still desperately want them to stay. Ugh yikes this makes things weird. There is a small sinking feeling inside of me that is saying Trevor will mutiny to be with Owen, his boyfriend. But I trust him enough that I think he'd at least tell me if he was going to, so then I can actually go with him. Then i'd at least be with Owen and Duncan, the only two people in this game I actually knew beforehand. But still, TL;DR, YIKES I HOPE NO ONE FROM OLYMPUS DECIDES TO MUTINY WE'RE DOING SO WELL. Sami guess now it's finally time to make a confession! so everything has been going relatively smoothly? i hasn't run into too much trouble because i haven't really given a reason for people to target me. however, the only person that i truly trust is trevor, but i feel like he's being highly targeted by all the others. that's frustrating. now, there's a mutiny offer, and trevor wants to go. i don't believe i have a target, but i don't want to lose him. and, i also feel that if i mutiny, i will create a target on myself. so it's very very difficult to make this choice. stay tuned, kids!

https://youtu.be/RnLuEORFH9M

Mutiny results: http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/157927339256/mutiny-results

#allianceofone #episodes