#i will likely delete this later but i needed to get it out SOMEWHERE

[blessedshortcake]

Rant about school

I am so fucking tired of teachers not giving a shit about students. I am tired of them treating us like shit and you may say I am dramatic but just this week my math teacher told the class twice that he does not care what we do in class because he is both getting paid and gonna retire anytime he wants to. That it does not matter to him if only 1 kid graduates or the whole class because his pay is the same. Our class average was a 2 (that's a D for you Americals out there) last year, most of us are barely passing.

I am tired of teachers treating their classes as the most important one out there. I AM IN CULINARY SCHOOL I DONT CARE ABOUT HISTORY. Yes its important to know but its not the MOST IMPORTANT out of my classes. Stop giving us 4 pages of homework for a class thats tomorrow. Stop telling us to put more time into your class when you know we have 8 other ones. I had 9 classes today I barely have the energy to exist right now let alone sit down and study for my classes coming up.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Teachers tell us to come in while ill because they can handle it so we can too. "Just pop a painkiller". I want to cry. LITERALLY half of my class is sick right now because we can not stay home without being shamed for it or falling behind. Its our what? Second week? And I already had 2 tests. What the fuck.

Back in 5th grade I was told, no, yelled at by my classmaster that the death of my grandmother does not entitle me to fall behind with my classes. Back in 5th grade where I had just been told that my grandfather is also ill and that my father is also ill (stuff i wont detail). Back in a grade I can not remember because it was so fucking stressful and traumatic. I don't even know if it was actually 5th grade! Could have been 6th but hell that does not make it any better does it? I was what? 13 at the VERY most? How do you look a 13 year old in the face and fucking yell at them about that?

Its so frustrating to hear teachers talk about how there is a teacher shortage and its so hard for them to find people to educate us then turn around and spit in our faces that they dont give a shit. This country already has an outdated teaching system that makes getting an education harder than it should be. There are no help for kids with disabilities of ANY kind. I am just tired of having to fight every single day just to be treated a liiiiitle better than human garbage by adults who regret their life decisions and have no other outlet to take it out.

I have been burnt out for years and its bad again. I keep messing up basic shit about my life like my own grade. I am in class B not class C yet i argued to a teacher that i am in C. I keep forgetting things that people tell me minutes before I move somewhere. I physically cannot focus no matter how hard I try. I cant even talk about it to my teachers since they will just tell me I should rest then turn around to tell me I need to stop being lazy and push myself more. ALL my friends are either at home and sick or come to school while sick. (Hell I dont know how I am not sick yet with my immune system being weaker than a tomato.)

They don't care about us they care about their pay checks. I feel like crying.

#i will likely delete this later but i needed to get it out SOMEWHERE #rant #school #cake rants #illness tw #i dont fucking know

[thefanciestborrower]

Man,,,I’m so tired

#there’s always something going on somewhere in this community that I need to care about #Some problematic person or friend groups who hate each other #Characters you’re allowed or not allowed to draw #You have to like vore one of two hyper specific ways and if you go outside of that then YOU’RE the problematic one #Each part of the community keeps splitting off smaller and smaller and they all hate each other it feels like #Main fandoms hate you for existing and OCs get headcannoned beyond recognition #Idk how to tag this I’m just having a moment #I don’t even want to be in the ‘vore community’ I just want to post stuff #And not fear for my life if I post something slightly out of the norm #Like I like fatal and reformation and I like slightly spicier stuff between couples and I like familial and teens being goofy and #It just feels impossible to exist like that idk #Might delete later tbh #I’m just tired of all the rules and the feuds and the fighting #vent post

[viaetor]

exhaustion

im sorry for throwing this here in the first place. I generally don't post vents on tumblr dot com, but I've been under so much stress lately and I just. don't have anywhere I can dump things yknow?? i don't wanna feel like a burden to my friends or as if its their responsibility.

but I've been so, so exhausted lately. but it's so hard to just *stop* or *take a break*.

currently, im working 3 part-time jobs, participating in 4 uni projects, writing my thesis, finishing up my government-funded research, completing translations, on top of having my regular classes. not to mention more work and projects ive been "invited" to accept that are still starting up and my upcoming mandatory internship. my parents have been entrusting me with more and more responsibilities regarding their physical health as seniors. but i also need to keep an eye out so that my drug addict sister doesn't do anything stupid and gets thrown out of the house again. I'm also worried about another sister of mine.

Lately i tried to distract myself by involving myself more with my friends. I've helped a few friends out with their own stuff (moving, writing, job interviews, emotional support) and ive been reconnecting with long past friendships, which is pretty neat. and it was working for a while, but im starting to get drained from even the simplest interactions.

now every time I look at my phone or get out of my room, people are calling me to ask to do stuff for them. I'm so numb to it all, I just do it automatically even when my body is sore and my brain is dead.

the worst part is that I can't quit anything. there are no vacations waiting for me, and no way I can lessen my workload more than I already have. I'm numb to it all, it's exhausting, but I feel so ashamed for even feeling tired. I feel like I have no right to feel that. I'm so used to being "reliable" and "efficient" to others that I'm not sure if I know how to Not be what people expect of me.

Ive been trying not to smoke or stress-eat and instead just hit the gym to get rid of the stress and anxiety, but even that hasn't been enough.

I want to write. I want to draw. I wanna learn languages. I wanna study. I wanna chat. But I just don't have the energy to do the things that make me feel happy and healthy. even if I'm ironically already doing some of them. I feel like an ungrateful brat. especially since I'm surrounded by so many awesome people.

I'm really lucky to have you all. I love getting your messages, seeing your posts, writing with you. I'm so happy with how I've been developing bonds with people here. thank you so much for investing in me! i really do cherish and appreciate it. I just want to apologise for seeming so distant and emotionally unavailable, not to mention how long i take to reply sometimes. to those that have been nothing but kind and patient to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can make it up to you!

I'm just really, really tired at the moment, and I'm not sure how to juggle through everything in my life right now. so I'm really sorry.

I wish I had dottore's skills so I could make clones of myself ngl. that'd be pretty neat

#ooc mobile. #tbd. #drug mention / #smoking mention / #food mention / #vent / #man idk this might be heavy for some people so pls dont feel like u have to read it #its just me bitching about being tired ! #ill delete this later but i just needed to let it out Somewhere ;;;;;;;;; #thank you for your patience and im sorry for being a mess #ill get back to msgs and threads as soon as i can get some time #personal /

[pyrriax]

hi everyone remind me to never look at deviantart again

#haunted ecosystem #probably jsut take this post at face value tags are if youre really curious 👍 #i was trying to find something. immediately got blasted with a person who i did not want confirmation was out of prison is out #if im weird the next few days this has been an un-fun experience 👍i just wanted to look for some furry bases ok not. dread. #i just wanted to work on beest & saturn </3 #actually feel nauseous ah this is going to be fun im going to go. draw things. do something. i need to get rid of this dread #why did he fucking follow my new account there? why? didnt he get enough? didnt he fucking get enough god i. #sorry chat im feeling things and if i remember this later i'll probably delete these tags but i need to just put this somewhere #im not a kid anymore i can handle this i shouldnt be this scared but fuck i am. maybe it wasnt just paranoia! joy joy joy oh joy! #tomorrow will be better tomorrow i'll forget about this and i'll move on like i never saw it and i'll continue being happy #i have people that love and care about me and that i talk to every day i have people that i trust and know i can rely on #i don't have to be scared anymore i don't need to worry i'll be fine and that has to be true because things are better now

[pepprs]

just went thru all of the notes on that post and like. YEAH. it’s a fucking wonder. like i should get to scream. i should get to lie down. i should get to have as many treats as i want for free.

#purrs #menstruation tw #literally so tmi but the pain + digestive issues + constant paranoia abt leaking + pain + exhaustion because of blood loss + exhaustion beca #because of sleep deprivation because of pain + pain + discomfort + the mortifying ordeal of leaving the room with your purse or taking out a #heating pad and everyone knows why + being in situations where you CANT use a heating pad because you have to walk somewhere or meet in a di #different place + pain + the fact that i can’t just reschedule shit when im dealing with it and can’t schedule around it and there aren’t #social structures in place to make it easy to do that + the fact that you aren’t supposed to talk about it even though it is all consuming + #pain and pain and pain. and it happens EVERY MONTH and if it doesn’t happen every month then either you’re suppressing it and risking #consequences or you’re pr*gn*nt and definitely unequivocally experiencing consequences or you’re menopausal which idk what the fuck that #even does but it’s not good or you’re getting it MORE frequently because you have a condition of some kind. like. the absolute suffering and #hellfire. i don’t want to play into the stereotype of menstruating ppl being bitchy and mean and hysterical but like.. not to say it but i #GET ITCOMOLETELY. why ppl thought it was hysteria and a curse and whatever. because it is 💖 no one should ever have to experience this 💖 #delete later #ask to tag #brought to you by i haven’t even finished my dinner and i had to go lie down bc im in too much pain lol 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 #* digestive issues that need to be dealt with like… posthaste except (SO TMI SORRY) i have anxiety abt um. doing that in restrooms other ppl #can go into at the same time as me so ihave to scurry down MULTIPLE flights of stairs praying that the single user bathrooms are open so i #can shit in peace 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[strangefable]

just have to crylaugh when a perfectly random innocuous thing slams into you like a fucking freight train and reminds you that no, actually, you're never going to stop being traumatized about your dead parents

#just kidding i'm actually such a fucking sobbing wreck i called my boss and took the day off #over a stupid fucking youtube video of all things #i can't remember my dad's voice and it's killing me #so many little things are just... gone... forgotten to time #and i'm aching so bad #hey universe maybe next time just send someone to stab me it would hurt less #sorry to traumadump on tungl dot com and whatever but i need to get this out somehow and this is what's open in front of me so... sorry #maybe i'll get embarrassed or some shit and delete it later idk #but right now i just fucking need to pour this out somewhere that's louder than just screaming into my pillow #on grief #tw death #tw dead parents #tw grief #and to anyone who's worried i'm sorry i'll be fine i promise i'm just having a bad grief day they happen #and i get stupid and scream so i don't choke like i used to #this is probably healthier than bottling it up right? lmao i don't even fucking know i'm just a wreck don't mind me

[musical-chick-13]

.

#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere #like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness #but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those #people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you #and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me. #I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do. #it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all #you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point #where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being #trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point #but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest #hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger. #but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do? #if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am #an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying #over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or #neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end #then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right? #but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable? #I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!! #sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week #In the Vents #ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™ #anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted

[cleargreyskies]

Nothing like the end of a year to really drive home your feelings of loneliness.

(some venting in the tags, it's that time of the year again. also to the two people from offline life potentially reading this: this is obviously not about you and I care about you deeply)

#delete later #i might leave this city next year and i do not have any friends elsewhere and even the ones here are not enough. it scares me. #justo nce i would like to spend new year's eve with a group of friends who care about each other and me #i love my girlfriend and i am so happy to spend time with her and looking forward to shared celebrations and all. i just need some other #additional connections somewhere and at this time of the year the loneliness that is pretty much part of my personality now always gets the #better of me. #i felt fine and mostly content with my social life in summer. #but the uncertain future and the already existing lack of deeper connections in a quantity and also qulaity that would be good for me is #draining. #i am also behind on work and stressed and my mother has a broken leg and can't move much so christmas will be bleaker than usual already. #actually everything combined might just be something to talk to the university's mental health counseling again. you don't always have to b #at breaking point to ask for some guidance. #/end of oversharing #ergh rereading this makes me want to delete it right away but this is still my diary so #i also have to add that i am making some efforts. i go to a martial arts class. i play d&d with some people (admittedly my flatmate and my #gf + 3 others). i go swimming with my gf + 2 people. i am active in a nature conservation group at my university. just - everyone there #always seems to have enough close connections already AND i am scared to get too close to people i might have to leave behind. #typing this out has actually helped me get some ideas on what to do. so i am cringing less about having put this out there. #still feeling bad but willing to make an effort #personal log

[cannot-copia]

just applied for the job i had during college and honestly it feels bad man

everyone I know is actually accomplishing things with their life, buying property, getting promotions, getting their masters etc

fuck, even my cousin who is several years younger than me and has very little to no college (aka doesn’t have student loan debt) just got a management position at a fortune 100 company and is now making more than 60k

And where am I now?

Couldn’t do my job at the big company I was supposed to work at, where I had insurance and got paid enough to actually pay for things

all I do now is feeding horses and basically just putting them in different places 4 hours a day 6 days a week for less than what I made ever since I started working and living off that and what’s left of what I had accumulated in my 401k at my old job (that im gonna have to pay thousands of taxes on for taking it out too early im sure) and therefore fucking myself over for the future- everyone always says start young well I did and I’m too fucking useless to function without wanting to remove my skin apparently so I fucked that up

And yeah it was just an online application so I don’t know how likely it is they’ll even respond and hire me again but I feel like I am going backwards

I did what everybody always insisted I had to do

i went to college

i got a “real” (office) job

i got more than 25k student loan debt I have not been able to make even a dent in

and what do i have to show for it? even worse mental illness? A piece of paper that said i went to college? Crippling fear of answering a phone? an extreme hate for the way I look now?

and now im (at least attempting) to go back to where I was before all that bc that’s the only place i can think of will hire me, to a job I did not enjoy whatsoever, where I am going to have to explain to the high schoolers that would be working closing shift that I will have to do after the morning job like yeah i left here 3 years ago for a competitive job that paid twice as much at one of the (apparently voted) best employers in the city that everyone wants to work for but I threw it all away bc im a useless fucking idiot and now I’m back here working fast food watching all these people who will go to school and get the jobs they want and not fuck it up and actually be successful and move on with their lives

it just,,, it doesn’t feel good

i feel like I’ll never get anywhere so what’s even the point

#and I know you’re probably thinking oh well you have horses you must have plenty of money etc #thing is i work at the place i keep them i do not pay regular price or I would not afford them at all #I’ve only ended up with as many as i have bc at my old #job i made just enough to not be negative every month #and now I can’t get rid of them because I am afraid to talk to people and ended up very attached to one we got with the intention to sell #after a few months #and the other we have had for 10 years now but she would need to be consigned somewhere to get what she’s worth #which requires /talking to people/ #so while I previously could just about afford them I can’t now unless something majorly changes #once i run out of what’s left of my 401k i will not have the money to pay for them #yes i know buying ghost tickets with that was an idiotic thing to do but it temporarily made me happy #which is also another reason i want to try to avoid getting rid of the horses if at all possible #sounds stupid but at this point without them there would really be no point in being here #they’re the only reason I talk to anybody at all these days and they are capable of making me happy #im sorry i feel like i have been complaining on here a lot more frequently lately and i don’t think anybody wants to see shit like this on #their dash but i don’t really have anywhere else to say things #anybody irl always just says ‘well other people did x/it was your decision to y/etc #the shitty insurance I have now does not cover anxiety/depression things I have not been taking any and I have a feeling it is not helping #delete later

[hella1975]

(hella you dont have to answer this, just wanted to say it) i know you ofc know that grief is a really complicated n fickle feeling but. it is, so i hope u can give yourself that space to grieve and do whatever it takes...but also please take care of yourself. and we're both creators of stuff so i really get the feeling, but i promise youre not destined for getting worse or stuck in that. something similar happened to me my senior year and even if you didn't know him that well, you're allowed that space to feel too.

ik my words prob dont do much, and i dont pretend to know better than you about your hometown or life or anything like that, but im here if u wanna talk. i love u <3

thank you for this my love. this is so kind and you didnt need to say anything but you DID and im so grateful for that. i promise im okay and im very good at being able to tell what episodes are temporary and what are more serious, so i know this one is temporary and is more shock/natural sadness at hearing the news that will peter off over time, so im trying to just. let myself feel it all for now and then put it to rest after a couple days. im sorry you can relate at all, i feel like it's such a specific, strange kind of grief to explain, when it's someone you know very distantly and technically have no 'right' to grieve, because like you said, grief is complicated, and it doesn't care what right you have to it or not. which is something im having to remind myself of and tell myself im not being selfish or self-centred for feeling upset by this. ive reached out to one of my irls and im going to tell her tomorrow bc i trust her to be good about this, so as basic as that sounds that's a pretty huge thing for me and im hoping it'll help even if it is just. talking it out. idk. but i appreciate this and i appreciate you, ily bestie xx

#as much as i do blame my hometown i think a part of that anger/blame is a coping mechanism #bc it's easier to blame all the bad things that happen IN that town ON that town if that makes sense #and im aware it lacks nuance to narrow shit down like that but it makes it bearable for me #to just blame everything on this vague broad 'hometown' idea in my head #instead of truly delving into it bc that WOULD make me miserable #im so sorry to even delve into this for anyone idly reading bc i know this is very serious but i need to put it SOMEWHERE #like im twenty and SIX boys in my year have died #two were drug overdoses and one got pulled out of the river so we'll never know which of those were accidental or on purpose #one boy had leukaemia another got killed in a hit and run the day before his eighteenth birthday #and now this boy. and he fucking hung himself like i cant get that out of my head of all the ways to go he chose that #and of those six boys two of them were my cousins and one was seventeen when he overdosed and we're pretty sure it was an accident #which makes it WORSE like he would have known when the drugs were already in his system that it was too much #and he was just a child. he would have been so scared. and they're all just dead now and they keep dying #and i just feel so helpless and like in me getting out of that town i left them behind? #idk. im venting now im not expecting any of this to be addressed by anyone lmao the problem with most of it is that it CANT be addressed #like what can you do? just keep on going until the next one #ask #delete later

[milflewis]

sometimes i look at my sister and i see all the worst parts of me and it’s not terrible bc i don’t want that for her. which i don’t. but it’s terrible bc she’s doing it wrong

#like. she is showing it Wrong ! #she is taking all this anger and rage at herself and shoving it at everyone around her and making her problem everyone’s problem and smth in #me physically recoils every time lol #like. visceral. smth deep inside me. just. says No <3 with teeth #but this isn’t wrong ! she is fifteen ! this is a child. this is a person. who is angry and in pain and messy and doesn’t know how to deal #with it and is being so v unkind to herself and is going through it by putting this on other ppl and picking fights so the anger can go #somewhere. and this isn’t healthy but holy fuck is it so much better than what i did and just internalised all of that until i couldn’t #speak about it for years lmao #it’s not wrong. it is not. but it feels like it is. my knee jerk reaction is what are you doing. stop. stop! keep that to yourself like the #rest of us. i don’t say this to her obv bc. ofc not. but jesus . yeah . yeah #and so i end up saying nothing to her or the diluted version of the right thing bc i’m so scared to tell her to do it like me which i do Not #want. like at all. she is not me and this is such a good thing #she also has a tendacy to bite the hands that fed her which. doesn’t help lmao #just. needed to get that out #delete later

[septimus-heap]

Literally I think my parents must be a little bit insane to still think they're good parents. They pushed me to the point of being actively suicidal not even 2 years ago like hello????

#sep talks #tw suicide #found out recently that my grandpa has depression and my great grandpa likely did too #my great grandpa died from being hit by a horse and cart and it is heavily suspected that it was a suicide #my grandpa is only alive today because he takes antidepressants #like you'd think!! With a family history like that!!! That they'd perhaps take their child's mental health into consideration a tiny bit!!! #my uncle has depression as well iirc. Like good lord #like literally the only reason I made it through 2020 was bc I was sneaking around behind my parents backs and lying to them #idk. I just think it's kind of funny #I've pretty much stopped caring abt my parents now. They're just some ppl I live with until I can leave and then we'll never talk again #but honestly....they still think they're good parents???? Really???????? #anyway this post inspired by my mum getting stroppy abt me 'ruining mothers day' #I sure hope it's ruined!! Hope it's bad enough u decide to kill urself!!!! Lmao!!! #I'll delete this later probably just needed to say it somewhere #I'm fine btw. I don't feel great rn but I haven't let my parents send me down a spiral of self loathing in a good long while #and I don't intend to start again now

[matamisin]

Dunno about any art this week cause it's gonna be a little busyyyy just a liiiitle 🤏

#got a project to work on and a presentation to stress about till next week #and then i got like a semi-wedding #and with that they talking about me making the cake and i was like ya fsfs but they never really confirmed if they were being fr or not lol #so i MIGHT need to make some kind of wedding cake sometime in my schedule #and then i have to go to an extra class the same day of the wedding so i can get an alcohol license 😭 #AND THEN we got LVLUP Expo on the weekend?!?! #still not sure about the expo tho cause like id love to go but i have no moneys 🥲 #lol just ranting #i had a bad day at class yesterday and im stressing out a lil bit askfjdjjsjs i must scream somewhere #me n my boyf kept joking around like oh shit happy valentines day *high fives* #we are both on a bidget so we agreed to make up for it on another day 🤭 itll be our personal valentines day hehe #budget #hmmm maybe ill draw us as an extra lil thing 🤔🤔 #anyways lol akdnsbsks ranting again #delete later

[rabbit-hearted-girl]

So there's this guy at my job who I have a secret crush on, and then this new girl told me she thinks he's pretty (I agreed with her) and then today she asked me if he had Instagram. And tell me why in the fuck did I fell jealous?????? I barely even talk to him????? I like this girl, she's super cool and we're basically friends even though we met just a few days ago, she's awesome, but I could feel a veeeery ugly feeling bubbling up inside me when she asked me. I KNOW HER BETTER THAN I KNOW HIM (which isn't a lot honestly, but anyways, I literally can count on my finger the times I talked to him) and I got so ridiculously bothered by this (even though I stalked him myself when I met him)????? Like what the fuck?

#screaming into the void #dear diary today i felt jealousy for the first fime #nobody cares about this i just need to get it out somewhere #i might delete it later #i just need to rant somewhere #i felt so bad but also like #it was involuntary #im so mad at myself #ranting

[lordcoolington]

raaaagh. too-ambiguous-to-name-specifically-but-certainly-negative feeling i hate you i hate you i hate you. why do i feel dread and despair, i literally just got home. nothing bad is going to happen. i am going to change into comfy clothes and write about fun little guys while i drink soda. this is peaceful and desirable and things i enjoy doing. i am alive and loved and that’s not changing within the next hour at least. why do i feel otherwise. im shaking my brain violently like batman with a petty thief.

#i don’t even know how to put my feelings into words. it’s just constant dread and constant guilt for no good reason ughhh #im so sorry for rambling i just need to tết my thoughts out somewhere for a sec. #can i have peace times please. why do i always feel like i’m in danger of something. #will delete later im just going thru it. at some point #i’ll get a therapist :/ #vent

[whitemochacoffee]

To my friends; i'm just really really sorry for everything. I love y'all

#delete later #vent post #personal #sorry i just really need to let this out somewhere #i've been following advice to get better #ive been working well and ive been going out #but i just feel so incredibly suicidal when i complete things that are meant to make me happier that are meant to improve my mental health #i want to be okay #but i think the fact that i'm sick just fucking messes with every bit of my being #i love my friends so much i dont want to hurt them by offing myself #but some part of me thinks that they'll be happy i'm dead because i've been such a burden #i'm deaf and i've got chronic fatigue and walking is hell for me but i try not to let it show #i feel like if i stop my performance i'm going to die #finita thats it thats done #i'm so fucking ingenuine i hate it but its better than being a fucking rock when i hang out with people #i hate that i was spending time with some folks down by the river and all i could think of was how i can drown myself #they would deem it an accident because yknow #i've been here since 8 am its now 6pm and i can't help but think of just offing myself in the most quiet way possible #i don't kmow if i'll make it through the month #but i think i'll be okay #i hope i will be okay. i will be okay #gOD WHAT IS THIS COUNTRY MUSIC MY FRIEND IS PLAYING #honestly the shock of hearing american english shocked me out of my daze 2hat the fuck #this music makes me want to go fully deaf #imagine being in the deep asian wilderness and outside the toilets youre taking a breather at fucking american country songs start blasting