#idk about this one but i wanted to get it out of my system so i could stop hemming and hawing over it

[tommykinard6]

I love your headcanons!

Why do you think Tommy has a difficult relationship with sex and how does that show?

Also do you have any more ideas about the emergency contact one? Like the first time they get a call from the hospital...

Yessss thank you so much for asking about those headcanons! I’ve been wanting to talk about these.

I actually just got another ask about the emergency contact and I’m going to go super in depth for that, so stay tuned!

But why do I think Tommy has a difficult relationship with sex? I’m so, so glad you asked. This is one of my biggest headcanons.

However! Please read with caution. TW: for a form of self h*rm involving sex, self hatred, and internalized homophobia.

Tommy was extremely closeted for most of his life. When he was at the 118, he couldn’t even accept himself. But at some point, he stopped being able to ignore it. For me, this might be when he realized he liked Sal (see my other post).

Now for some people, exploring your sexuality includes a *ahem* wild phase. To me, Tommy had two parts of this phase. The first one was…not great.

Tommy was a self loathing closeted man. He hated himself for being gay. He wanted to be “normal”. So when he stopped being able to ignore it, he thought he could “get it out of his system”. So he went to bars outside of LA (he wasn’t risking bumping into anyone he knew) and hooked up with any man who showed interest. He wasn’t picky. He was just more focused on getting out of this “phase”.

So he hooked up with a lot of men. And he didn’t care about himself at all. In fact, he out right hated himself every time. So it devolved. If something didn’t feel good, Tommy leaned into it because he saw it as punishment. He used sex to punish himself and to hurt himself.

I’m not quite sure about how he pulled himself out of it, but we’ll go with this. My idea is that he had a sexual partner who caught onto what was going on, that Tommy secretly hated something happening but refused to stop on his own. The partner shut down the event and when he called out, gently, Tommy on what was happening, Tommy broke down. The partner held him and listened to his garbled story and talked him through it. Instead of the hookup, they spent that night just talking, with the partner trying to get Tommy to see what was happening and get him out of the slump.

And it didn’t fix it. Tommy continued this pattern for a couple more hookups, but he started to get discontented and uncomfortable. Around this time maybe, the 118 got Bobby Nash and the dynamic started changing. Sal was gone and working with Hen, an openly queer firefighter, started to shift how he looked at himself.

So Tommy stopped the hookups and started working on himself. He couldn’t quite face himself still, but he worked on liking himself outside of his sexuality. He started laying down boundaries when he hooked up. And then he left the 118 and started therapy. He was ready to start over. He was tired of the pain and the self hate and the cycle he’d been stuck in for so long. He wanted what he’d seen others have. He saw Hen with her wife and he wanted a bond like that and he knew it could never be with a woman.

Skip forward all this time and he’s learned to be gentle with himself. He finally loves himself. He has embraced his sexuality. Maybe he’s still friendly with that past partner or maybe they never spoke again, idk. He’s had some relationships but nothing’s really stuck. Then he meets Evan Buckley.

He meets Evan Buckley and he feels the sun for the first time. And Evan is still figuring himself out and Tommy not only really likes him, but also wants to make sure Evan doesn’t make the same mistakes he did.

Does that answer the question? Let me sum it up.

Tommy used sex to punish himself and those were his first real experiences with guys. So even now, in healthier relationships and with better mindsets, he doesn’t do the hookup game anymore and is very shy of having sex too soon. He doesn’t have sex without knowing and trusting the person.

Y’all I have no idea if this made sense, but this is literally the premise of a story in my brain.

#911 abc #9-1-1 #911 show #tommy kinard #911 season 7 #lou ferrigno jr #bucktommy #evan buckley #911 spoilers #tk6 answers #tk6 muses #911 meta #tw: mental health #tw: self loathing #tw: self destruction #read the tws

[ramshacklefey]

No but serious. Dungeons & Dragons is one of the least flexible systems out there. So whenever I hear someone asking, "Why can't I do X in DnD?" or "How would I do (thing that the system is totally ill-suited for)?" my first response is just "GURPS."

For those of you who aren't familiar, GURPS stands for "Generic Universal Role Playing System." I always say it's like the Linux of ttrpgs, in the sense that it's less a system and more a framework that you can use to do whatever you want with.

And I really do mean whatever you want. You want high fantasy? Done. You want gritty realism in a dystopian world? Got it. You want superheroes? Good to go. Super tech space opera? Oh boy we got you there. You want magic systems that aren't based on spell lists? Go for it. Horror games where character death is a constant and very real threat? Sure thing.

You can set up your game to be anything from a complex data driven grinder to a cinematic rules basically optional flight of fancy.

You can play characters who are anywhere from realistically squishy humans to god-like super beings.

Characters personal flaws and strengths can have a direct impact on mechanics. Character species can have a direct and serious impact on mechanics.

The existence of so many options can make GURPS seem overwhelming at first glance, but if you are willing to put in a bit of effort, it's actually a very simple system to play. Most of the hard work is front-loaded into setting and character creation. Once play starts it runs as smooth as can be.

It's totally possible to play it with just the two core books, BUT there are dozens of books that are nothing but tips and advice for how to build a particular type of world or a particular flavor of campaign.

And the books, while not nearly as pretty as DnD books, are laid out in a way that makes it incredibly easy to find exactly the information you want.

Some more mechanical things that I particularly like about it (under the cut):

Characters are created on a point-buy system, but you don't just buy your basic stats, you also buy your skills, advantages, and secondary stats. And you can gain points back by dropping stats below average or taking disadvantages.

The advantage/disadvantage system. This is sorta the core of the character building, and it is *so* much fun. See, rather than pick out a class or species, you have a list (selected by your GM from a much larger list) of things you can buy that will have mechanical impacts on you in the game. Basically, an advantage is anything that opens up more possibilities for you in-game, and a disadvantage is anything that closes off possibilities. They can be superpowers, species traits, cinematic plot armor, personality traits, or things like chronic illness, bad temper, physical or mental disabilities, or being doomed by the narrative.

Simple dice system. To play a GURPS campaign you need three d6. That's it. All checks and saves are done by rolling 3d6 (low rolls are better than high). This has an additional advantage over the d20 system in that there is a probability curve. You're more likely to roll numbers in the mid-range, which makes both critical successes and critical failures rarer, and therefore more satisfying.

Your target roll is adjusted, rather than adding/subtracting from the roll itself. Say you're trying to, idk, hack a computer. Your skill level doesn't affect your dice roll, it affects the number you need to roll in order to succeed. This makes things a lot simpler on the player's end, imo, because there's less they need to keep track of. (You're trying to roll under the skill check, so whatever the base difficulty is, the GM just adds or subtracts your skill level from that).

The basic stats are on a much tighter scale, and they make a lot more sense. Human average is a 10 in everything. When you make your character you can buy higher stats or take lower ones and get more points to spend on other things. All stats cap out at 18, because that's the highest number you can roll. At a 10 strength you are a normal person. At 18 you're basically Superman. You'd have to roll a critical failure not to succeed in a strength check, and remember: critical failures are far less common than in a d20 system.

I could keep going ad infitum here, but instead I'll just close with:

Come with me boy, play my games! We'll have cowboy times in space!

#gurps #ttrpg #i will shill for this game at every opportunity

[mirrortouchedsea]

⬛⬛⬛ was seven years old when his mother died. He remembers being sad, mourning her sudden loss in the way children process death. He stayed by her bedside as she took her last breath, holding her hand and crying, begging her to stay. She loved him. She had spent her last moments making sure he knew that he wasn’t alone and never would be, as long as he could keep her in his memory. 

He remembers crying out as her casket was closed for the final time, lowered into the ground. Something snapped in him and he was begging her to stay again, begging them to not take her away. 

⬛⬛⬛ didn’t come out of his room for weeks afterwards. He sat in his room, cradling a photo of his mother in his hands. His father would leave food for him and he would eat it, never taking his eyes off the photo. 

So when his father came home after only two months of his mother being dead, ⬛⬛⬛ was not what one would call happy. Even though he’d started going back to school a few weeks ago, he wasn’t ready for someone else to take her place. Nobody else could ever be his mother. 

He got into an argument with his father that night. At seven years old, ⬛⬛⬛ decided that he couldn’t bear to live in a house with a man who could so easily replace the woman he claimed to love. He didn’t know where he was going but he took the clothes on his back, the photo of his mother, and some cash he’d been saving up and just walked out. 

He made his way to the bus stop and got on, thinking about where he would even go. He wasn’t sure he could make his way to his mother’s family on his own, as they lived on the other side of the country, and he definitely didn’t want to see his father’s family. So he stayed on the bus as long as the driver would let him stay. 

Eventually though, he did have to get off. It was sprinkling out, not enough to make him uncomfortable, but it was a sign of heavier rains to come. ⬛⬛⬛ made his way from the bus stop to a restaurant that looked like it was about to close, but still had the lights on and maybe they could give him some shelter from the rain, at least for a while. He stepped inside and stared at the workers cleaning up the dining room. They looked…concerned that a child his age was alone at night, especially in this part of town, one would say.

They asked him what he was doing out, if he lost his parents, if he was from the area. It’s not safe out here for kids like you, they told him. He doesn’t remember responding, but he must have because they shuffled him to the back of the restaurant to their boss and asked what to do with him. None of them could really afford to take a child in but he hadn’t told him where he was from or where his parents were. They suggested calling the police, but ⬛⬛⬛ started crying at the suggestion, not wanting to get them involved. I can’t go home, he told them, my father is a bad person.

The restaurant manager agreed to allow him to stay for a bit, giving him a meal on the grounds that he’d leave by the end of the week. ⬛⬛⬛ agreed, scarfing down the food like it was the best thing he’d ever eaten. 

Over the next few days, ⬛⬛⬛ bid his time by doing dishes, greeting customers, learning to read from the menu. The staff treated him kindly, but they felt distant, unsure of what to do with him, though by the time the weekend came, he hadn’t figured out where he wanted to go. A few of the staff pointed him towards an orphanage in town, but one of the cooks slipped him a one way train ticket to a few cities over, somewhere he could get out of that area, a note attached with directions on where to go to meet someone who would take him in. 

He held the ticket in his hand, scanning it as he walked through the station to the loading area, the note clutched in his hand. ⬛⬛⬛ was practically shaking as he entered the train by himself. A few adults asked if he was okay, if he knew where he was going. Yes, he said, I’m just not used to traveling by myself, but my uncle is going to meet me at my stop. That was a lie he’d rehearsed on the way there but they let him be. He had to fight himself to keep from falling asleep and missing his stop, but he must have succumbed to it at some point, as one of the adults next to him gently shook him awake as they approached his destination. He thanked them and hopped off his seat, getting ready to depart the train car and start his new life. 

He stepped onto the platform and was greeted by a bustling crowd. It was overwhelming to say the least, so many strange people just going about their day. ⬛⬛⬛ made his way to the staircase where someone came up from behind him, introduced himself as the person who would be taking care of the young boy. He could call him “Priest”, as his true name was of little importance. He asked if the young boy had a name, which the boy muttered under his breath. When asked to repeat it, he said he wished to give up his name, as he no longer wanted to be associated with the person who gave it to him. The Priest agreed with him and said they’d find a suitable name for him soon enough. There were many names in the world, but for now he’d be referred to as the Prodigal Son, or simply the Son for short. The Son found this amicable and agreed to the change. He remembers wondering what that meant, as he had never heard of the word “Prodigal” before, but he would come to understand it in due time. 

The Priest taught the Son many things, reading, writing, the history of Japan, things that he remembered being taught in school before his mother passed, but he also taught the Son many other things one would never find in a normal school. The Son learned the art of disguise, impersonation, how to manipulate his voice. Some day, the Priest had told him, he’d be called upon to use his gifts for the greater good. The Son, not knowing any better, accepted this and that his skills would be useful in the future. 

The Son went through many identities in his time studying under the Priest. His hair had been cut, extended, dyed and bleached, his eyes were a dozen different colors and none of them. He could mimic any voice after observing the speaker for ten minutes. He went by many different names, though he always came back to the Son. In due time, he forgot his father entirely, but he carried the last photo of his mother with him in his pocket wherever he went. It made him feel at ease, as if she were watching over him from the afterlife still, protecting him from the harsh realities of the world. The photo had faded with time, the wear and tear on it having almost removed her face entirely, but the Son could still picture it perfectly. It had been burned into his mind on the day he watched her take her last breath.

The Son started University at age 17, younger than many of his peers in Japan, and he graduated at age 20. It hadn’t been easy, but he had honed his skills and developed them on the stage, playing off his talents as being simply that, talent and skill, not something he had used to bring about political upheaval in the past and likely in the future. 

The Son had kept his distance at University though, going by another fake name and only attending the bare minimum of classes and extracurriculars that were required of him by the Priest. He had begun proper vocal training to learn how to sing, something that he had been told would be useful soon, though he had not been given the details, and further developed his voice by participating in several musical performances, though he still remained rather distant from the rest of the cast and crew, exchanging only the bare necessities of pleasantries and making excuses to get out of bonding time outside of scheduled practice hours. 

The Son was a lonely man, and he knew this. He knows this. He is a lonely man. He was about to turn 23 when the Priest finally told him about his newest mission. Do you remember your father, the Priest had asked over the phone. No, replied the Son, not more than I need to, anyway. So you remember you had a father, and he had another wife after you left, the Priest continued. The Son hummed in agreement, Yes I ran away because of her, you know this. Of course I do, but I just wanted to make sure, Anyway did you know he had another son with her? What do you mean by another son? I mean that you are an older brother, and your younger brother needs help. I do not want to speak to anyone else related to that man. Oh but you’ve been training to help your brother, haven’t you, he dreams of being an idol, someone who sings and dances on stage like you. Theater performances and being an idol are two different things. Yes, well it wouldn’t exactly be easy to get you to train to be an idol with no intentions on debuting, so we had to make do. Why should I help him? Out of the love in your heart for your own flesh and blood. I do not consider that old man my father, nor that boy my brother. He has a secret he needs to keep, something I’m sure you’re familiar with of course. What secret? All in due time, Son, will you help him or not? 

The Son refused to meet his brother in person for the first few months, preferring to instead communicate only by phone. He had been studying at Reimei academy, he told him, as part of the idol course. His mother loved idols, loved them so very much and it was the only memory he had of her. The Son understood his brother on that level. During their phone calls, the Son learned about his brother’s rival at the school, a boy by the name of Tatsumi Kazehaya who happened to be in the year above him. Tatsumi Kazehaya was perfect in many ways, something that his brother found infuriating. Why couldn’t he be like that? He lamented in one phone call. The Son told him that some people are simply born with talent, and Kazehaya was one of them. His brother relented and continued to update the Son on his progress. 

Despite the Son knowing his brother’s name, Kaname Tojou, his brother did not know his, instead choosing to refer to him only as “Onii-chan,” a word that grated on his ears. He was not a cute older brother to be looked up to and in fact he’d rather be doing anything else than be there, and yet. He stayed calm. Once Kaname debuted and got on his feet, the Son would fade back into the background as if he never existed. That was the plan, anyway. The Priest had told him that he would be free to do as he pleased away from his watchful eye if everything went according to plan. 

After a year of guiding his brother in the ways of being an idol, the Son wanted to see how he was progressing. Kaname hadn’t said anything about a performance, but since the Son was very good at keeping an ear to the ground, he had found out about a performance between Kaname and Tatsumi to be put on for the entire school. He wasn’t entirely sure what the purpose of that was exactly, but it would be a good time to gauge Kaname’s progress and how well he had followed the Son’s instructions. The Son made his way through the crowd, finding a spot near the front but not where Kaname could see him and he watched the empty stage, waiting for any sign of life.

The projectors came on and a video began playing, a video about the exact secret that the Son had been safeguarding even from his brother. It was a video about Kaname’s mother and how she had ruined the career of one of the best idols that had ever existed in Japan. The energy in the crowd was agitated, vibrating with anger as they waited for the two aspiring idols to take the stage. The Son wanted to run backstage, warn his brother of the impending danger, but could only watch in horror as the curtains raised and the crowd rushed forward. The Son looked on as the two young idols were yanked from the stage, a scream lost to the noise of the crowd, unable to do anything. 

When it was over, he had found himself in the hospital waiting room, pacing the length of it as he went over the potential outcome of the surgery. His brother had suffered greatly, that much was obvious to the Son as they loaded the two boys into the ambulance, but how much damage was done had yet to be seen. 

Someone approached the Prodigal Son while he was pacing and placed a hand on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. Thank you for coming home. 

#shay writes #enstars #ensemble stars #himeru #OKAY OKAY. IM JUST POSTING IT IDC I NEED TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM #HIMERU BACKSTORY BUT I HAD TO WRITE IT LIKE SARAMAGO IDK IT JUST KINDA HAPPENED #BUT I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING IN THIS STYLE YOU HAVE NOOOOOOOOO IDEA #i edited about 3 pages of this and then was like. fuck it i cant do this anymore #hate reading my own writing hate hate hate it but yeah. oremeru backstory #theres more that i want to maybe expand upon eventually but i need more time to rotate those ideas in my mind #so like. runaway meru and then with the priest. but only a little with the priest #also idk when priest died. i know it happened slightly before the current era but idk by how much so. #to me? he was the one who got oremeru in contact with kaname and then died some time between that phone call and the current era #ik they mentioned priest being dead in one of the 1.5 tours i think the mayoshino one but blegh #or maybe it was a scout story idr its not super relevant i'll read it eventually but yeah. #okay enjoy 2.3k words of me just throwing things at the wall

[ccbatman]

I once said that I thought Steph would make a great Black Canary, and I still think that's one of the realest takes I've ever had.

Like, this moment seared itself into my head and never faded:

{ Robin 80-Page Giant }

#stephanie brown #dinah lance #spoiler #black canary #me learning about how dinah lost her cry which was as much BULLSHIT as steph's death btw okay hold on i need to get this out of my system #because they had to nerf her SO HARD for that to make sense and it STILL DIDNT BECAUSE ?????? SHE'S THE BLACK CANARY???? THAT GUY WAS A #NOBODY WITH A KNIFE ARE YOU JOKING??? and then the story that follows isnt even really ABOUT dinah it's about ollie and im so. ohhhh my god #JUST like how steph's death was largely brished aside to deal with bruce and jason's angst like. yeah i wanted there to be angst but it #wouldve been nice if it had been about HER for more than five seconds. honestly im so mixed about her death and return tbh. the way they #went about her passing was so weirdly inconsistent through the issues that bruce managing to get her to leslie in time does make sense but #then they do that weird thing with leslie and it's like ???? wha???? i go back and forth on how i feel about steph's return. on one hand i #love how she comes back more focused and stronger largely by her own means but on the other i did want #... something. i wanted her to be angry a bit longer and to deal with the complicated emotions between her 'failing' and bruce's 'failing' #and what that meant for her now. idk i love her batgirl run but it wouldve been nice if she had a bit more space to grieve herself. #anyway later in this issue dinah agrees to mentor steph for a bit and her rules are pretty much the same as bruce's when he made her robin #and if dinah had mentored steph instead of bruce she never would've died ok send tweet #wjshshsk #i love the panels of them looking at each other. dinah looking into steph's eyes and recognising the look in them. #i love how she smiles at stephanie both times. it's so gentle and kind. ily black canary #love posting on blogs where no one follows me. i can just say shit

[maddy-ferguson]

fun fact about me: i'm insecure about so many random things that i've never flipped anyone off in my 22 years of life because i think my middle finger looks awkward and ugly by itself

#and like i say: brf slt #i felt like this especially when i would have been likely to do it semi-regularly like in middle school. but like i was thinking about this #the other day and i did it in front of a mirror just to check and it looked as bad as i remember like it's just not for me #i have a story abour middle fingers though or just about what one would call the finger #when i was in what an american would call the 5th grade (i can never do when i was x years old because it's not an accurate representation #of the class i was in since i skipped a grade and the grade is what matters more to me. when i was 9 and my friends were 10 i was saying) #we would always play this game called girls catch guys or guys catch girls where the girls would run after the guys and like tap them on #the shoulder and then they would go to prison and they would line up and another guy could set them free by like touching one of the #prisoners it was a very fun game except it's way more fun to be like the ones getting caught than to be the ones catching and we would #ALWAYS play girls catching guys and it was very unfair we would be like okay in the morning we do guys catching girls in the afternoon #girls catching guys so it's fair like normal system but the guys NEVER wanted to do it (and we would always give in because like we still #wanted to play ig and idk guys. female socialization) they never wanted to be the ones doing the catching it was so unfair because we also #didn't like it as much and we did it all the time? #and i remember this one morning we were fighting about this we had literally all agreed that it was fair this way but they didn't want to #do it and my second best male friend flipped me and my best (female) friend off and (very #important detail) he did it with both of his hands so like two middle fingers and i don't know why because i'm not even sure that that's a #thing but one middle finger meant fuck you and two middle fingers meant go fuck yourself and to us that was very different? and i remember #my friend and i we like knew what it meant but for some reason we were like. he did do the one finger before doing the two does this mean #he...loves us because it literally means he wants to have sex with us #but what's funny is we never talked to him again after that and i don't even know why that was our last straw because i remember i #genuinely liked him before that like i said he was my second best male friend! so like maybe sixth best friend overall that's not bad #and he's not the only guy friend who flipped us off that year like it was so random to stop talking to him after that😭 #like he was an actual enemy we really did not like him we talked about him in letters we'd give each other using a nickname etc #and what's even funnier is in our last year of middle schoold FOUR YEARS AFTER THIS a friend of a friend told him he should become friends #with well my friend and he was like hm i don't think so have you seen who she hangs out with? marianne *last name* like why do YOU hate #me😭 it was so funny like wdym it was mutual this whole time. i had literally moved on by then i didn't even care about hating him #anymore like wow...i think he's the only person i hated who actually hated me back

[magentagalaxies]

.

#this might be both oversharing and being too vague rn but it's 2am and i'm emotionally exhausted #i can't believe during one of the most traumatic moments i've had in the past year i was lucky enough to have scott as my biggest supporter #the entire time as i was going through it he was so supportive giving me space to process shit and always having my back #and yet there are some people in my life who are always going to villainize him for one comment he said during that time out of context #or even if they're not ''villainizing'' him i now feel like i have to begin every sentence about scott with #''yeah we don't agree on everything but we're still friends and isn't that amazing!'' #which yeah that is true and i do genuinely enjoy when scott and i disagree and are respectful about it #BUT WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE THE FIRST THING I SAY ABOUT HIM???? #and honestly that whole experience made me agree with scott on way more than i started out with #i'm proud of how i was able to grow as a person and for the fact that it brought me and scott much closer together #but that shit i went through at my college was still traumatic. and it did change me as a person #it completely changed my relationship to activism in a way i'm not happy about bc i want to be more of an activist #but when i had someone use social justice language to justify horrible things against me it's hard not to be wary #of how hollow and performative a lot of conversations can be #and like i'll even say it. like people might get mad at me for admitting it #but that whole traumatic situation has irrevocably changed my relationship to gender as well #or at least how i label myself and how i move through these conversations #and in some ways i'm grateful for it bc i do feel like i know myself more and like i don't have to worry about what others' think #or even what other people understand #but it shouldn't have had to go down like that. and as much as the time i got to spend with scott during that time was so much fun #and such a great experience and he was truly the perfect support system during that time #he shouldn't have had to deal with that and neither should i #and the fact that scott somehow got villainized in some people's minds while the person who actually caused that trauma #is instead treated like ''yeah he was a bit misguided and made a mistake but he was probably anxious about it!! he's just a person!!'' #that's never going to stop being painful. especially the idea that with the importance people put on labels #i would supposedly have more ''community solidarity'' with that asshole than a cis gay man like scott #idk i think i'm past the timeframe of that traumatic experience bc it's not consuming every day like it used to a few weeks back #but something triggered it tonight so i just need to process it. anyway shoutout to scott for being there for me i really needed it

[godofsmallthings]

this is just going to be a stream of consciousness ramble but the idea of being a "good person" is so strange to me. or, not strange, because the aim to be one is understandable, but just fundamentally flawed. like i'm listening to this podcast and the lautner's are reaffirming what everyone who has met taylor says (that she's incredibly kind, generous, humble, funny, sweet, etc.) and i think in the person-to-person interaction sense she is a "good person." but then it's like. how can you say someone hoarding that much wealth or contributing a tangible amount to climate change is good? what is "good"? it's impossible to go through life without hurting others and she has obviously done that on an individual level in her own life too, but anyone in her income bracket is going to leave their time on the earth with a wake of destruction. the game of pitting celebrities against each other to find the "least problematic" one just doesn't make sense. the least problematic version of the ultra wealthy fundamentally can't exist. idk what my specific point is but the way people spend lifetimes picking apart the smallest minutiae of the ethics of these people's lives on an individual level just feels like time wasted and an excuse not to think about real problems, frankly.

#obligatory disclaimer that i'm being incredibly hypocritical saying this bc i obvs do care/get swept up in celeb drama #i just think there is a line between entertainment and like actual life altering involvement that ppl don't notice sometimes? #idk what i'm saying #anyway my other pet peeve about this though is when people refuse to acknowledge the systemic probelms #and instead just want to cancel one celebrity for playing into them #like bro be so serious #idk #wow taylor cubed rlly brought it out of me today dkjfhdkjfhdskjfhs #edit: maybe my point is wondering if it still matters to be a good person in the day to day. which i obviously believe it does. #but idk how much #vi is typing...

[starrycat123-blog]

is it just me or is "the bible says it's wrong" like the stupidest political argument ever? like literally the first amendment exists?? we have freedom of religion?? the government isn't supposed to be making choices in accordance with any particular religion.

I always see people respond to this dumb argument with "actually the bible doesn't say that just you" and that's cool too but why do I never see "even if the bible did say that queer people sucked or any number of other awful things that shouldn't matter because our government should not be making rules for people based on the bible"

#us politics #idk i don't usually like talking about politics especially on the internet bc i don't like making my life more difficult #or getting involved in drama which is kinda what politics is #but this rubs me the wrong way and i just wanted to say something somewhere #even if talking on the internet doesn't really do much to help anyone i just had to get this out of my system #“the bible says-” literally stfu i don't care #like am i missing something in what world does it make sense for the government to be taking our rights bc one religion said so #we have freedom of religion #and freedom of religion is not freedom to force your religion on everyone else

[piplupod]

mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"

me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"

mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"

me: "...my thing?"

mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"

me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"

mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"

me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"

AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!

#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good #not the worst definitely not the worst #just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.) #and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama'' #number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu #my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything #and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that! #im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me #''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP. #i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind #like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.'' #and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/'' #mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over #i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family #this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!! #i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!! #i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible #i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out #i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose #i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!! #i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts #i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them #sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay #im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon #just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid #it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!! #or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that #suicide tw #abuse tw #ed tw

[direful]

i'm so fucking tired

#job hunting juggling various interviews & dreading committing to anything bc i'm not passionate about any of these positions #and yet i really really really need money so if a part time gig hires me i will Have to quit if i hear from a full time afterwards #& i WILL feel guilty abt it even though i have no respect for any of the part time jobs i applied to bc theyre all seasonal retail #AND. to make matters worse & me more stressed. #due to Life Things i got shunted onto a new insurance so i have to change everything over to the new system & figure all that out #& i can't keep seeing my amazing doc & i'm sad bc i wanted to get a referral from her for a top surgeon after i got the job thing sorted ou #so now i have to set up a new doc & transfer my records & hope the new one will fill my scrips bc she cant see me irl till february #& i was supposed to start meds for my newly diagnosed adhd last week but that's stuck somewhere in insurance limbo & idk when i'll get it #and if i get a job with benefits i have to do all this insurance shit AGAIN and i'm so stressed about the possibility of that #idk. manifest a good easy job with good benefits that i can tolerate if not enjoy for me or whatever. #hurgle hurgle

[rohirric-hunter]

"I'm not going to reverse-engineer an exhaustive loot table," I said to myself

These aren't even humanoid. What am I doing.

Also why are there so many Wind-swept Furs, they're not useful for anything

#is this techincally for the bowhunt anymore or is it turning into its own horrible thing #im only doing missions tho im putting my foot down about that #i am however organizing it by class and level range #and i decided to classify level range as which morale and power potions drop #idk if its a good classification but its a consistent one at least #i know its got. distinctive lines. if that makes any sense #ive been doing missions on a level 50 character for some time and i dont get moria stuff on her so thats how i tell #i DO get moria stuff from the skirmish-type battle instances out of gath forthnir so idk whats going on with that #but thats not a problem for me because i put my foot down and im only doing missions #now this is not a flawless system because i dont know how the loot tables work #is there a general loot table and then a class-specific loot table thats rolled additionally? #or is all the general loot loaded onto a bunch of different class specific loot tables? #hey if anyone had a level capped burg right after gundabad launched and did anything on them hmu #and let me know if you got literally anything except potions before they fixed that bug #because knowing that could answer that question for me potentially #or at least eliminate some possibilities #part of me wants to take this to the forums because there are probably other people there who would be into this #but idk if the devs would approve of me trying to suss out their secrets #they might shut it down and that would make me feel bad #although they post about the lotro companion on the forums so idk

[gibbearish]

i know it was a joke that is sort of understandable in context so im not gonna say anything on the post itself. but boy seeing someone say "i'm also down with murdering a few actors if it leads to better movies" REALLY rubs me the wrong way

#like the context was op said 'if the gore is cgi whats the point' and someone replied 'do you expect them to just maim the actors' #then 'ohh i forgot about practical effects' #and its like. i get the joke. i get how you got to that joke. i get you didnt mean anything by it. #but 'so what if actors die as long as the movie's good' isnt uh. exactly a hypothetical is it? #like. isnt workplafe safety for actors like a huge fucking issue #both with set stuff and just. How They Treat Their Workers #like. even on safe sets dont actors srill get worked to the bone to the point theyre way more likely to like. get deathly sick or #be distracted while driving or turn to addiction #or even more outright things like. i cant remember who it was but that girl who that one director Deeply traumatized over and over again #because he wanted her reaction to truly be real? #and thats not even touching the entire world of stunt doubles #like. the movie industry seeing actors as disposable fodder as long as the movie is good is. real life. #so even knowing they probably werent trying to make light of that because like. the wording of its the same but with theirs the context #does have a /slightly/ different meaning #where the punchline is saying 'nah lets actually do (wild thing)' because taking a misunderstanding seriously can be funny #but in this case (wild thing) is actually (extremely common and fucked up thing) so its just. really not good imo #idk it just made me really uncomfortable and i needed to get it out of my system

[louderfade]

exene talking about the state of the world. the good stuff starts at eight minutes. or you can just read the transcript complete with the usual errors that accompany robot transcribed speech (the irony of which is not lost on me). maybe it's not about transhumanism and living forever (or maybe it is who knows), but there's definitely an agenda of surveillance and control at work which is designed to keep the powerful in power. cash rules everything around me and you will own nothing etc. the future is worse.

#google has helpfully flagged this as a 'conspiracy theory' which let me know it was definitely worth paying attention to #sometimes a conspiracy theory turns out to be flatearth-tier but anything those in control are putting effort into discrediting #concerns me and makes me look deeper. if they're going to the effort to control the discourse there's something there that #threatens them. anything google calls a conspiracy theory is worth a closer look. it often means someone has gotten too close to the truth. #she's brave to be talking about this shit they basically cancelled her and forced her to apologize for talking about how they want #to take our guns and the media is lying to you and stirring up fear so they can get away with passing gun control #like wtf leftists should be all about gun rights. a disarmed population is totally at the mercy of the state's authority #it's not very punk to surrender entirely to regimes in power and let the only people with guns be the police #like c'mon guys we need guns. and it's like drugs. they exist anyway. better they do so in broad daylight than in the shadows #they let adam curits talk about this stuff for some reason and no one calls him a conspiracy theorist idk why but there's a reason #i guess his stuff is not a threat to them bc it's dense and heady and seven hours long so the masses will never absorb it #ex punk rocker yelling about new world order in plain language monologues of digestible length is a much bigger threat #i swear there are secretly fifty people in control of everything and their entire aim is to make sure it stays that way no matter what #but it's really gross how obvious it's getting like the whole system just funnels money straight to the top and they don't even care #about hiding it anymore they're just doing it out in open and denying objective reality with confidence it's too much sometimes #i swear i can feel my grasp on reality deteriorating. it's as if there were a loud buzzing in the out of doors that was getting #louder every day and nobody ever said anything to acknowledge that it was real nobody talked about hearing the buzzing but it just #keeps getting louder and i'm finally like wtf is with this buzzing and everyone gets mad at me for shouting over their netflix show #that they weren't really enjoying in the first place. like no one is happy in the modern world. why can't we talk about why without #turning against each other. that's why doug saying 'maybe we're all the same' is such a big deal to me. anyone who is trying to unite us #is doing important work. that trump supporter is not the enemy. they are the victim just like you.

[wrecking]

edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore

#d #my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is #i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i #cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things #and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness #and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person #instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo #and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me #that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now #and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just #processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others #and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik #there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig #which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think #idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like #what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is #just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like #i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it #like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess #not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others #this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head #i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore #which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it #i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust #and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on #maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things

[arthur-r]

arthur fact as of today. high school graduate. not doing that whole thing anymore

#i won’t be walking at graduation so this is it for me #keep trying to say something about this and then i talk myself into a panic attack #so i’m gonna just step back and say yeah i’m done with that now #don’t understand how i’m the only person in the whole school who is freaking out about this #but here i am #everyone is staying in minnesota except for me and two other friends #and one of them is going to the same school as i am and the other one is going to canada #so everything changes now forever and i just don’t know how to feel #but hey. things are going to be good. i’ll be over by chicago that’s exciting #and i already changed my name in the system a couple days ago. kind of risky but i don’t want to keep putting it off #i figure i have friends i can move in with this summer if my parents find out and it goes over really badly #and otherwise they have to confront it sooner or later and i’d rather now than college graduation in four years #so anyway things will be good there hopefully. and high school has been bad enough that i should be happy #i dont know. things really got better just in time to go away forever #i’m gonna go to bed but everything is really strange and i’m officially out of there #so this is as much closure as i get #idk. i have a whole summer before everything changes entirely. everything will be okay #anyway gonna log off of tumblr. but yeah. this is where i’m at #me. my post. mine. #delete later #friends only

[seilon]

by no means do i regret cutting off my dad but. sometimes i remember experiences with him that are so novel i wouldnt ever replace them. specifically i am thinking about how he’d play this country song sometimes that i have no idea how he found about gay interracial cowboys in love. i never asked him about it. i think about it often

#kibumblabs #chorus was like ‘interracial cowboyyy homo kinda love’ or something like that #my dad’s music taste was like. the most unpredictable thing on earth. in the most autistic way possible. it’s so hard to explain #and I still have no idea how he came across 90% of the music he’d listen to #I know when most people think of listening to music Autistically they think of an extremely predictable music taste where you listen to one #thing/band/genre/etc on repeat for however long and nothing else #but. the thing is. my dad didn’t NOT do that. his music taste was weird as hell and all over the place but it came in waves where he’d #listen to solely the same few songs or same artist or whatever for a few weeks and then eventually his focus would switch to something else #and he’d only listen to THAT for a few weeks and so on and so on. sometimes old stuff would come up again in a wave as well and #yeah you get it. occasionally he’d REALLY like a song and then he’d legit play it over and over again #specifically thinking of one time he got like. obsessed with moon river (the breakfast at tiffanys version I think?) and would play it #quite literally on a continuous loop on the house living room/kitchen speaker system and i think I was doing homework at the kitchen table #(wasn’t allowed to do it in my room cause my parents didn’t trust me) ​and was like. uh. dad. this is getting kind of annoying #and now that I think about it. I don’t think he stopped. at least not because of Me. i don’t remember when he stopped or if I just went #upstairs eventually if I finished my work. but yeah good god is my father autistic. he may not want to admit it but im pretty sure he knows #he is at least to SOME degree (my mother is a psychologist. i don’t think he could avoid it being pointed out at least a few times) #(he’s just prideful and stubborn and likes thinking that’s just the way he is and it’s not Pathological or blah blah blah idk. he knows.) #anywho. on the topic of things my dad would do that in hindsight ive realized are Very Autistic of him- he’d get annoyed sometimes if I sang #along to songs he’d play in the car because he wanted to ‘actually hear the song’ and yes first of all: dickish thing to say to a kid. but #the fact he didn’t realize that + now putting together that it probably had to do with having two sounds overtop one another in a #possibly irritating way… yeah. sounds like an autism thing. which I guess is kinda redeeming cause it means he wasn’t just being a TOTAL #asshole. still an asshole nonetheless but at least I sort of get it and get the feeling #cant blame him for having Autism Moments. can blame him for avoiding diagnosis or at least acknowledgement of it and never even remotely #attempting to keep his more maladaptive behaviors in check