#idk man ive been so DRAINED lately | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

crazy-hand-official · 1 year

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omg sorry for being late with these two so im just combining them!! ive been overwhelmed at work it sucks hell no

but anyways i was tagged by the lovely @cherixrosa twice!! :) the first was to shuffle the top songs in your spotify wrapped playlist (or in this case my apple music replay) and list the first ten that come up!

1. Ain’ It Fun (live) - Rocket From the Tombs

2. Swimming Pool - Marie Madeleine

3. Pet Grief - The Radio Dept.

4. Daisy - Ashnikko

5. No Dark Things - Echo and the Bunnymen

6. Bololo Hahaha - MC Bin Laden

7. Get in Line - Barenaked Ladies

8. Feeling Good - Chrissy Zebby Tembo

9. Animal Farm- The Kinks

10. Come Together- Primal Scream

sounds about right for my year! second tag was to answer some fun questions about myself :)

nicknames: casey, kas, crazy hand, tusk doglips, verucca vulgaris, miss catherine / nurse catherine, and i know i have one more but i cant think of it aw man

sign: libra

last thing i googled: toxoplasma gondii...... i usually have more exciting stuff going on in my mind sorry folks

song stuck in my head: since writing that list of 10 songs “get in line” by BNL is playing in a loop. my brother was one of the top barenaked ladies listeners in the united states on spotify. my parents had new wave mix CDs and barenaked ladies playing nonstop when i was little and it’s the soundtrack to my childhood.

number of followers: like 10 mutuals and 54 sexy, sexy porn bots

amount of sleep: it depends. i get between 0-48 depending on what the hell is going on

lucky number: the hackers would love to hack into my bank account now wouldnt they...

dream job: i have my dream job right now which is being a psych nurse :) also does anyone remember that plug and play game from the early aughts ‘dream life?’ lmao

wearing: kuromi pajamas because i am tired from the absolutely draining night of work i just had and should rest but i still want to read and blog and journal and kiss all my pets :(

movies that summarize me: god i hate saying this because of the toxic vibes it gives off but girl interrupted just maybe in a clinical sense. but i dont even like that movie anyway. idk i dont watch movies uh..... crybaby and gummo for my vibe especially when i write. grey gardens is the best fitting movie of all though.

books that summarize me: and i don’t want to live this life, the bell jar, uhh not sure really what else.

favorite song: closing time — hole

favorite instrument: that old grimy keyboard from the 90s that my siblings and i would push the demo button of and pretend to play

aesthetic: cockette, new wave, post punk, trash dirt and grime. sanrio and cigarettes. baker miller pink. punk adjacent.

favorite author: my best friend and i

favorite animal noise: mourning doves. crooOO... hooo...hooo...hooo.......

random: my rats smell like burnt popcorn. many people who own rats claim they smell like popcorn and we dont know why

tagging: anyone who wants to man it’s your life dont you forget caught in the crowd it never ends

#me personal adam #my tags

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genshins1mpact · 3 years

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this did not age well

it did not age well at all

#really thought i was gonna stay a chongyun main forever huh;;;;#at this point i'm a xingqiu/xiao/chongyun/keqing main 😶#like that is a whole ass team right there forget mains hfhhdhehr #tho tbh ive been using diona sm lately keqing isnt always on my #on my main team* and i miss her so much it hurts 💔#so i highkey wanna redo my team comp but.... idk wtf to do #i dont wanna use hu tao on my team along w/ xiao bc thats too much hp drain and my polearms are meh atm save for deathmath & favonius ig??#and xiangling is uuuuhhh at c5 iirc? but aiming guoba is such a pain but at least you get multiple hits from it ://#my team desperately needs a pyro or smth but im too stubborn to let go of chongyun so both he and diona are there rn...#which means my team is anemo/hydro/dbl cryo... my comp is so bad that even tho i love em its hard to play w/ em therefore not as enjoyable;#aaahhh man irdk what im gonna do anymore. ima end up with like 3dps and a healer/shield team b e t 🤠#idk 'how to zhongli' or how to use my mona well so.... atm xiao/keqing are some of my strongest and for hu tao it variee ig #varies ig??* ...never got homa and didn't rky feel like trying more for it so eh. never got either jade weapon either y e e t 🤙#aerin.tagspeak #aerin.jpg #aerinposting #genshins1mpact #personal ig?#aerin.jpeg

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pxppinmolly-archived · 2 years

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I apologize again I KNOOOW I’ve been in a v bad mood as of late.

I’m very insecure as of late and I’m feeling very just. Bad. I feel off.

I feel like I’m not... Fitting in properly anymore, you know? Like I just feel off. I feel like I really lost my touch and that like. Idk. I feel very alone a lot here. dkfjghg

And I know it’s just my mental illness getting bad again. I keep getting so easily irritable. I feel awful that my parents try talking to me and I get so pissed off when they just. walk in my room.

my dad will try and joke with me and I want to bite his head off.

I’m easily upset and hurt over small things. Constantly exhausted! Stomach issues. Back issues.

Having a constant pain in my back and also reoccurring headaches/migraines..

I’m just a mess.

And I hate constantly asking for validation like “hi you guys still like me right? :(” because it’s so. annoying. and ive been told before that im obnoxious and draining because im so fucking needy because of this.

it just sucks man. i got a lot of issues.

anyway point of this post is UHHHHH

I’m sorry I’m a mess lately and I’m sorry if I seem irritable or get quiet or whatever yk yk. </3

#OOC #Neg ;#Vent ;#dont gotta read but here's the basic gist.#hi im sorry its been a bad mental health time for dani so sorry she's been messy emotionally. <3

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icharchivist · 3 years

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cries think I made my ask too long so like half of it got deleted bc I typed it right into the askbox. anyways. I come bearing a3 thoughts! at first i was gonna watch the spring/summer and autumn/winter ones and then give my thoughts on both but. turns out i had too many thoughts lol? which i shouldve expected but i actually kind of... got bored by the first two chapters of this event! so i skipped and went to the stranger. and then went back. (1/?)

and then i got to like "tsuzuru and kazunari are having a fight?" and jumped on that like a starving wolf bc helllll yeah! i rly adored kazunari in sardine search, i think he was great! hes just so nice and has good vibes. he and taichi are kind of similar i feel? but i think their respective ages contribute to a lot of difference in their characters. why does it feel like this askbox limit personally wants me dead. (2/?)

anyways! i rly enjoyed the improv scene devolving to a real fight. admittedly i was kinda surprised that the content of that improv wasnt rly too similar to their actual fight? like normally a3 has the story of the play run parallel to like the actual real character drama so i thought the improv might function as the play in this event... it was still good tho. the scene i mean. (3/?)

also i rly liked tenma ragging on them afterwards. like he was mean but. first i adore tenma. second he just felt like. a different meddling type to muku lol? like the vibes he gave me were always like... im going to be a considerate leader and watch out for the ppl under me! therefore im gonna make sure theyre doing fine! aggressively. i think tenmas also just like a friendly person who likes to take care of others in general? like im not saying hes omi or anything but just like. (4/?)

that time he offers his car ride to juza so they can go to school together like hes surprisingly open compared to his initial prickliness. also ive got thoughts abt the tenma juza SSR conversation thing i read. one day ill make a tenma and juza fic and complete a trifecta haha... but thats something for another day! back to the actual story. the way tsuzuru dives right in after kazunari! that was so nice. like its easy to see how much they care abt each other. (5/?)

to the point where like even while theyre fighting theyre like angry but still like fairly quiet bc i think theyre both at least trying to be considerate of each other. ah the moment kazunari didnt respond to tsuzuru trying to talk to him i KNEW he was sick tho. felt proud of myself for calling that one but also the reason i knew is bc i have used the "character being sick during an argument causing them both to make up with each other" trope myself before so uh. like recognizes like haha. (6/?)

anyways the cg there was fuckin beautiful like kazunari looks so sad in the middle bit but then u see his shy smile? like hes sick but hes also like. happy to be there. idk. lovely. i adore kazu i think hes just deeply sweet to other people. tsuzuru telling him "you make everyone around you feel as bright and cheery as the things you design” is so wonderful too (7/?)

now im thinking. ah tsuzuru probably feels quite drained after a script and such (i know i am when i finish any piece--its like the emotions just rush out of me) so i like to think that like yknow. kazunari dropping by his room or whatever helps him set himself back to normal! but also when tsuzurus like oh u left ur magazines here! i suddenly remembered. wait shit kazunari and tsuzuru arent even roommates. wonder how much they bother masumi lmaooo. anyways overall very good story! (8/?)

some more thoughts: itaru and citron were so cute in this event! just like. citron saying itaru winking makes his heart skip a beat and itaru quoting citrons wrong sayings (which. i am also guilty of today i told my brother "we'll jump that bridge when we cross it" so) also i love how yuki is like "thank god i wasnt partnered with that hack" but like. yuki. u could literally just not talk about him. like its so funny to me yuki is like wow i hate tenma but he wont shut up abt him haha (9/?)

i also was a lil taken aback at hearing itaru go "for the lulz" tbh... like it fits him. but im mad it fits him? anywaysss thats all i had for this one! im gonna watch autumn/winter and go say my thoughts on that soon. sorry the ask was so broken up, idk what happened!

OLA FRIEND! Glad to see your thoughts again omg :3c

tho omg the fact tumblr deleted it all + the ask limit was all so evil D: poor friend.

I'm putting my answer under a read more because. Well. *waves hand* it got long.

The non-play events can be perhaps a little harder to get into because unlike the plays events that you start with a clear idea of at least the main plot (re: "they are preparing a play, i know the leads so i know who it will focus on"), non-plays events take a little longer to first set up what event they're participating in, how to prepare for it, and then bring up the conflict and which characters are going to have something to do with said conflict. So i can understand that they're a little harder to get into when we know the plays awaits.

On top of that, the first few events still were a bit tame because since it was early when the app released, i think they didn't go too heavy at once in case some people were still stuck on earlier chapters (esp since especially Winter is hard to unlock)

ANYWAY glad that it sucked you in on the second read :3c

So glad you were invested in that conflict!

Totally agreeing with you about Kazunari, and very good point about Taichi as well! they aren't the Puppy Pair for nothing :'D (Yuki took one look at both of them together and just Knew. His suffering knows no end (lovingly)). But yeah i think they have a lot in common, they both are the really bright and friendly figure, both also started in overcompensating a bit because both wanted to be popular in some ways.

But we do have, on one hand, Kazunari who wanted that rather late in his life while Taichi always thrived for that, the fact Kazunari made friends easily and it's just that he was scared of getting to the next level, while Taichi always struggled with this quest for popularity. In a way too both of them were at least scared to share a part of them, Kazunari worrying to show his thoughts, and Taichi being a spy and all of that... which impacts them really differently considering the guilt it puts on Taichi. And then you add their age into the mix, especially the fact Kazu is the oldest of his troupe and Taichi the youngest of his, it makes them fairly similar all while being fairly different.

both are so interesting to me and i love them bothhh, so it's always nice to see them have focus.

admittedly i was kinda surprised that the content of that improv wasnt rly too similar to their actual fight? like normally a3 has the story of the play run parallel to like the actual real character drama so i thought the improv might function as the play in this event

i love how you are seeing the patterns a3 tends to do it's so neat!

It's true the fight isn't really similar to their actual fight, though i do love that they had "swapped" their personality for the act and ended up insulting each other for theirr swapped personality. Like, Kazunari insulted part of himself in Tsuzuru's character and Tsuzuru did the same?? and then the fight escalated and the way Kazunari broke character hurts bc it's really that Tsuzuru hit where it hurts. But yeah it still wasn't too relevent to their actual fight, though i think the thing is that their fight was as such mostly because they tend to clash often due to their personalities rather than just this singular reason why, so to have the play go more "it's their personalities the problem" kinda hurt lol. But yeah still agreed that it didn't reflect much on the plot itself

I was rereading the improv bit to answer correctly and man since we're going to talk about Tenma next, i just. Love that when Kazunari, breaking character, his eyes sad, tells Tsuzuru "you have no rights talking to me like that..." it then cuts on Tenma being upset. Bc like. Exactly like you say, he wants to look out for the people under him. and like. Kazunari is his friend. A friend he also snapped at once and insulted for being who he was, so he probably could have relived a bit of his fight with Kazunari seeing those two fights; Except that now Kazunari is one of his closest friend and he doesn't like that.

Also like. It was also because he could still hide under the plot of the improv but it's so rare, and it never happened before that point, that Kazunari stands for himself in a "the way you treat me is unfair"? Like again re: his fight with Tenma, when Tenma snapped at him, while Tenma was unfair with him, Kazunari took the blame, called himself annoying and all yaknow?

The fact Kazunari is starting to accept that he can take more place for himself is something the whole Summer Troupe have been trying to help him work on, but especially Tenma. Tenma is always there trying to push Kazunari to say what he means, to express his feelings, to stop hiding.

And for once, Kazunari does that in front of everyone... and it's because he's breaking because of his fight with Tsuzuru.

I think Tenma probably felt it was even more of a reason to get involved like, this is the thing he's been working on with Kazunari about, and now he's being all hurt about it, not on Tenma's watch!

And i totally agree with your take on Tenma! (and would LOVE to read the Tenma and Juza fic once you get to it :3c). I think, Tenma is really caring and is trying to take a place as a caretaker and all, but unlike Omi, he has absolutely no reference for it.

Omi is the eldest of multiple brothers and everything indicates his parents have always been lovely to him. Add to it how he ended up leader of a delinquent crew he was clearly looking after, Omi has a history of taking care of people, of nurturing them, and he knows what he's doing. Meanwhile Tenma grew up on TV sets, mostly surrounded by adults and not by people his age, mostly getting advice from being ordered around by directors i think. And his parents are distant, hyperfocused on their job, not really nursing with him. So Tenma meanwhile really didn't have a family emotional support and was in situation where he couldn't befriend other kids his age. His only reference was probably Igawa (his agent) and i think for a long time he didn't exactly see it, and Igawa remained mostly professional so there was probably the idea of it not being sincere? That Tenma had to grow out of.

So like, they're both extremely nurturing and caring, but my point is that Omi has experiences in it and is at ease with it, while Tenma has been so alone and in places were he had no support system that even if he wants to support others, he still struggles with how to do it because he has no set exemple. And that's his development in the main story arc, to learn from how Izumi shows she cares in order to care back at them all.

Like i mean the way Tenma yelled at them about their mistakes at first feel like he would have picked it up from some directors on TV set yaknow? Probably hearing them say that with no consequences on others actors, seeing it worked, didn't think "that's an abuse of power and the actors probably all think badly of their director for that" but "wow that works", tried it on his troupesmates and realized this is... not how that works. And it's spending time watching how Izumi encourages them that have him fix his way to approach it.

So yeah i got lost too into it but like. I feel you on Tenma i love him so much and i love his development so to see him get pissed and involved there? was really nice. even if he was aggressive about it. He's still learning.

ANYWAY back to Tsuzuru and Kazunari, totally agree with what you say next. They still care a lot about each other and yeah they're at a point where this consideration they have for each other make their anger more quiet than trying to attack one another (Banri could NEVER-). so yeah totally agree with you!

DLKFJDLKF i LOVE the reasoning on "recognizing that Kazunari was sick". Your writer's powers making you see through... *coughs* unlike Tsuzuru....

AND YEAH ALL YOU SAY ABOUT THE CG.. YEAH. Kinda crying thinking about it again now LDKJFLKDJF It's just. Everything about it is so soft and tender. The things Tsuzuru tells Kazunari are soo so sweet sobs. They're just adorable i love those kids. and also i feel you for Kazu he's just that great huh?

The whole set up about Kazu dropping by his room is so so cute! I love it! Like probably the very first time Tsuzuru braces himself because "oh no i'm not in the mood to stand mister hyperenergy himself" but Kazunari quickly adjust his energy so that Tsuzuru can just recharge without being overwhelmed. Yes it would drive Masumi completely nuts. Which i think is a plus for Tsuzuru like, hey, if Masumi gets annoyed once in a while it's a win. But yeah also i think that Tsuzuru and Kazunari should really have the Artistic Soldiarity of Students in Art school Probably Working Until Very Late To Complete Their Projects. Would love if at the end Tsuzuru gave it back yaknow?

but yeah their story was really nice i'm so glad you liked it! :D

oh god yeah Itaru and Citron were SO cute in it too, i also love the comments Citron makes about Itaru's winks. Just there flirting in front of everyone like those two embarrassing friends huh. (probably with Muku being all starry eyes considering he greatly admires both Itaru and Citron and, well, Romance.). And yeah i love how Itaru ends up so much into Citron's rhythm (and this idiom you said? is glorious actually, 10 points for you)

DLKFJDLKF what a call out toward Yuki. "yes i hate Tenma,no i won't shut up about him, also if YOU say you hate Tenma i'm going to stab you with my needles, have a nice fucking day.". I love their dynamics so much aha

And yeah Itaru is there cursing us the whole time with the fact he's the greatest nerd ever and it fits him perfectly. It makes me laugh so hard.

Thank you so much for having shared your thoughts there! it's always a blast to read through them and i dearly enjoyed it! (+ it makes me relive the event a little and it makes me soft!)

I'm so glad you enjoyed it! So glad you had so many thoughts about all of this, what a blast.

thank you for sharing, and looking forward the Autumn/Winter reactions :3c

Take care!

#ichareply #ichafantalks a3 #sonnets of beauty

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superangsty · 3 years

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👉🏼👈🏼 ive been fixating on spirk lately and would like to talk abt it, if you were being sincere in your tags

fsdgfh honestly when I want to talk about something it’s mostly just me SCREAMING bc that SCENE man that SCENE. Like, the rest of STID is garbage especially when they brought Kirk back with Khan’s blood like what was that??? Why did they do that?? Also I feel like the first two films of AOS are really missing the whole crew being like a family and made it instead about a bunch of beautiful straight people having awkwardly written personal issues.

FIRST THINGS FIRST: required reading is of course Henry Jenkin's thing about The Glass. I tend to assume everyone has read it but if you haven't. Get on that. Here it is:

When I try to explain slash to non-fans, I often reference that moment in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan where Spock is dying and Kirk stands there, a wall of glass separating the two longtime buddies. Both of them are reaching out towards each other, their hands pressed hard against the glass, trying to establish physical contact. They both have so much they want to say and so little time to say it. Spock calls Kirk his friend, the fullest expression of their feelings anywhere in the series. Almost everyone who watches the scene feels the passion the two men share, the hunger for something more than what they are allowed. And, I tell my nonfan listeners, slash is what happens when you take away the glass.

Anyway all I'm saying is that no matter what JJ Abrams thinks he CAN'T recreate WoK because he doesn't UNDERSTAND WoK at the necessary level.

But with regards to STID so like okay at a very basic level you've got two things which are 1) Spock having Big Feelings and 2) the knowledge that Vulcans kiss with their hands and these two things on their own were enough to make 14 year old me watching it in the cinema for the first time feel ABSOLUTELY INSANE like for real I've been chasing that high ever since. And when Spock starts screaming? That's the Good Shit.

Also sidenote there's this theme park nearby (ish) called Thorpe Park and I went there on school trips a couple of times and there's a ride there called Rumba Rapids and the music they play in the queue is really not relevant but its fun and when I was 16 I suggested to my friends how much funnier films would be if it was playing during sad scenes so one time we watched STID and when we got to this scene we turned the volume down low and the rumba rapids music up high. Not relevant to this post, but I just Unlocked that memory while I was thinking about this and I wanted to share.

Just gonna preface this by saying that Spock's death in WoK is obviously a lot more compelling than Kirk's in STID because in AOS JJ Abrams has this obsession with making Kirk the big hero who's so amazing and brilliant and is carrying the entire world on his shoulders so of Course he would give up his life to save the ship (and when you think of the parallels w his father doing the same it becomes even more about him trying to live up to his father's reputation and idk! I feel like it cheapens the sentiment!). Meanwhile the original films they'd moved past TOS's kirk-centric vibe and it was about the crew working together bc they're a family and it's about Spock! Who'd run away to try and escape all these feelings that had come from the enterprise! And it's like yes he can explain his decision with the 'needs of the many' logic but at the end of the day he is doing this to save the people he loves and EVERYONE knows it.

One thing I will say in STID's favour is that the lead-up to this scene with the repetition of the "Better get down here. Better hurry." line from WoK is excellent mostly because Quinto is a much better actor than Shatner and you can see how INSTANTLY he understands it's to do w Kirk as opposed to Shatner looking over at Spock's empty chair and being like huh. Wots all this then. Also I like the way Quinto Spock runs I think it's funny :)

The next part when Scotty's like blah blah decontamination whatever after Spock asks him to open the door like sure okay I can get behind Spock being so overwhelmed that his common sense flies out the window but what I DON’T like is that it's only them down there. Where is the Drama of the entire engineering department watching Kirk have a meltdown over his best friend dying? Where's Kirk needing to be held back by three people because he's so desperate to get to Spock? Where's Scotty saying 'he's dead already' and the life just DRAINING out of Kirk? In STID it's just like "open the door." "can't do that." "yeah okay whatever."

NEXT BIT: Their dying conversation. In WoK Kirk and Spock have known each other most of their lives. They don't need to say much bc they just Understand each otherand you see that! When Kirk is finishing Spock's sentence and when Spock says "I have been and always shall be your friend" which seems a lot more meaningful than STID Kirk and Spock going "I want you to know why I went back for you" "Because you are my friend" and yeah it still HURTS but it's like. They don't have the history they don't have that enduring kinda love they just have a couple of years of being vaguely passive aggressive towards each other and it's still nice for Spock to realise like oh this is friends! This is a friendship! But Kirk's death just doesn't seem as tragic!!!

That being said. There ARE some raw lines there like "I'm scared Spock. Help me not to be. How do you choose not to feel?" "I do not know. Right now I am failing." Like that's IT that's the GOOD SHIT it's been nearly 8 years and I still think about it all the time. And again I can't say much for Chris Pine but Zachary Quinto's acting is MILES ahead of Shatner's and the crying! Spock crying! It's So Much!!!!!!!! And I like the music. I like the long shot of their hands meeting between the glass. It's very cinematic which while missing the campiness of WoK has it's own charm.

I like in WoK when Spock dies and Kirk slumps like he's lost every last bit of energy he had, like he's dying too, however I ALSO very much like in STID when Spock just fucking. Screams. And then goes and runs on a train and beats up Benedict Cumberbatch. I feel like it's fitting that Kirk dying kinda untethers him and lets him just absolutely lose his shit. I love seeing men beat each other up.

This has gone on much too long. Sorry I guess it just turns out I have Thoughts and this is probably barely skimming the surface but it's 9am on a Thursday and I have class in an hour but I've been sitting here rewatching the scenes and typing out this rant. As I said I really don't think I have anything original to say but like. Here ya go babe

#spirk #god anon im sorry adsfdgh i didn't know this was gonna turn into a whole long rant but like? enjoy I guess?#Anonymous #trek #asks

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offtopicoverload · 3 years

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Any random galaxy thoughts you wanna share? 🧠🧠🧠

so ive been trying to figure out how to answer this for like two days now, and ive got nothing, so im just gonna ramble incoherently about literally whatever comes to mind, but i think thats what you signed up for anyway, so this is on you

im replaying blades rn and nias just the besttttt. i wish more female lis got her treatment, cuz she really wasn't sidelined, like shes fucking there ya know?

im looking through my ocs birthdays cuz i wanted to include the newbies since heights worked last time, and i totally missed violet’s on the 12th, but olives is soon on the 25th, so thats fun. also love the fact that i accidentally made rue’s valentines day without even thinking about it, and she would hate that, so fun. i also dont have one for izzy cuz i dont think i can get her full chart, the site i used didnt go back far enough for like jupiter and stuff i dont think, but here's the newbies birth charts

Rowan (Second Chance) - 21 September 1999

Sun - Virgo

Moon - Aquarius

Mercury - Libra

Venus - Leo

Mars - Sagittarius

Jupiter - Taurus

Saturn - Taurus

Uranus - Aquarius

Neptune - Aquarius

Pluto - Sagittarius

Lilith - Sagittarius

Rising - Gemini

Briar (Late Night Lyrics) - 6 July 1996

Sun - Cancer

Moon - Pisces

Mercury - Cancer

Venus - Gemini

Mars - Gemini

Jupiter - Capricorn

Saturn - Aries

Uranus - Aquarius

Neptune - Capricorn

Pluto - Sagittarius

Lilith - Leo

Rising - Cancer

Oakley (WIP AU) - 26 March 1998

Sun - Aries

Moon - Pisces

Mercury - Aries

Venus - Aquarius

Mars - Aries

Jupiter - Pisces

Saturn - Aries

Uranus - Aquarius

Neptune - Aquarius

Pluto - Sagittarius

Lilith - Libra

Rising - Libra

Rue (Sit and Watch the Hourglass Drain) - 14 February 1992

Sun - Aquarius

Moon - Cancer

Mercury -Aquarius

Venus - Capricorn

Mars - Capricorn

Jupiter - Virgo

Saturn - Aquarius

Uranus - Capricorn

Neptune - Capricorn

Pluto - Scorpio

Lilith - Aquarius

Rising - Scorpio

my blogs been so empty, so thank you for sending asks and stuff, idk what's going on rn but thank you, you truly are the best aries and i adore you

OH, idk if you play lovestruck, but one of my favourites, nysa, came back yesterday, so thats great, i think i want to write something for her, but it'd be pretty long, so idk. the only idea i have would be to make the time between seasons an actual jump, and to up the stakes, and im not sold on that yet. i already have a million other things to write, but who knows since im entirely unpredictable and unreliable

i think i want to try the thing where you write like everything for a fic, and start dumping out chapters, then i could trust myself not to get distracted, but ALSO, im way too impatient for that, so then were just back at square one, and its getting frustrating and stressful, especially when im not even doing the moodboard thing which was really fun while it lasted

i wanted to make one for allegra cuz ive never seen one for her, but i get why now. i have no idea what to do for her, so i might try again after doing like talia or someone, just to practice

i want to draw rainbow lips. no reason, just want to, and maybe i will

i wish i was better at art, i have this one drawing stuck in my head for months and it'd be so dope to make it, but i suck and cant work on something for very long without getting annoyed about making progress soooooo

maybe ill try traditional stuff again, i always did okay, and maybe i could draw briar or something for you ashfkjddslk

im currently playing a fun game of “am i extra depressed again or just need to get my life together OR do i need to find a new interest?”

but here's the thing. i dont want to find a new interest and abandon all this, i really like it, but litgs super dead, which is just fucking fantastic, and choices is so big and overwhelming, and lovestruck is messy as fuck, so im just hanging out here man. just fucking around

ANYWAY, i wrote a thing, but i dont even know if i can fit it into sawthd, or if itd be a good description, but ima dump it here until i figure it out cuz it kinda vibes, right?-

Do you ever wonder it would be like to to crush something so delicate in the palm of your hand, to watch the glass crack and splinter into shards, to watch them cut your skin like paper, to watch ruby red droplets glitter with the reflections and refractions, sparkle in the light or gleam in the dark? Do you ever wonder how bad it would hurt, for the fragments to slice through you so easily, like a knife cutting butter, a rock splitting waves, a bird parting clouds, a destruction so simple and easy? Do you ever wonder if it would be worth it? If the stinging cuts and splinters stuck in your skin as blood traverses the lines in your palm like water through a river would be worth it, just to watch the fragile remains of something that was once whole sparkle like tiny diamonds, just to watch a million different slivers of yourself staring back at you, just to watch the way everything falls apart, one way or another?

this isn't helping the depression thing is it asdkfjs

#can it kc #asks #best aries #you can just ignore most of this my brains in overdrive rn

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sugawara-sweetheart · 3 years

Note

hiii for your meta asks — 5, 6, 16 and 20 💖

thank you for asking!!!

5. What character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

weirdly enough i think its oikawa, bokuto and kuroo- ive never kinned either of them in quizzes but I feel like I have a good grasp of their characters and often I use myself as inspo for them because I think we have similar aspects :))

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

sugawara!! he is such a chaotic gremlin and so dynamic and complex too that he’s amazing to write for a range of genres and storylines. for that same reason i really enjoy writing for oikawa too!

16. Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

yes actually! style-wise I changed the entire format for how I wrote my kita angst ficlet where it was a letter style in first person from reader- I think it just made it more personal and amplified the feeling in the ficlet. I also recently started writing for attack on titan (and soon jujutsu Kaisen) so thats a new fandom. also usually I write in second person perspective focalised on reader but I actually wrote a fic yesterday told entirely through Tsukishima’s perspective which I dont usually do.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

oh I GOT SO MANY I HOPE I CAN REMEMBER CAUSE I USUALLY FORGET BUT KNOW THEM AS IM WRITING so off the top of my head, idk how obvious these are that you already figured it out:

in solace, the parents have an abusive relationship. whether the reader is aware of it thats debatable.

in don’t look too close: there are references to sugawara (neighbour), Yamaguchi (classmate) and tendou, kiyoko and yachi. kenma is also an implied incel/stalker in it too

this should be obvious but kags is not straight in she’s the man. maybe bi or pan or whatever but baby boy just isnt straight

in bloodlust, sakusa has been slowly killing reader from the start + drains her of life energy to become stronger. at the end, she dies and becomes a vampire

tw domestic abuse: in spider’s web, daichi always had a plan to knock reader up. he switches her birth control because it’s the ultimate trap and it’s pretty much implied that he’ll eventually end up k*lling her because the abuse just escalates

tw incest: in spitting image, terushima specifically sought out a girl (reader) to mould into his sister at the same she left for travels. he never loved y/n truly, he just used her to fulfil his fantasies. and his sister isnt oblivious to it, the incestuous relationship between them is consensual.

tw somnophilia + noncon: in nightmare, makki has been going into reader’s room late at night, thats why she’s so uncomfortable around him. and mattsun knows but whether he thinks its consensual or he just doesn't care is up to you to decide

ask me questions about my writing

#interacting #sweetheart asks <3 #sweetheart: aiiishiiiteru #nice moots <3

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uwooyoungs · 5 years

Text

!!!! i’m DONE !!!!!!

#i genuinely cant believe i pulled that off #the fact that i finished everything with time to spare is Wonderful #im so deeply exhausted om g #i just came from a (v late) dinner with my mom #and usually i cant finish what i get at that restaurant #but i was so drained and so hungry that i finished 3/4 of my dish and half of the salad my mom and i shared #and a cocktail. that was the highlight.#and i could actually still eat more adslkjsf that NEVER happens #so clearly i was dying just slightly #anyway now that im done w/ everything #i cant WAIT to see how many of my joints just start popping away #ive been so painfully tense #all the joints are gonna be popping for daysss #theyve already lowkey started #but im anticipating some Intense neck and back pops #im rambling idk why im like... not in my right mind i am so out of it and exhausted #but! tomorrow we're driving home and i am guaranteed an empty quiet house w/ cats for the rest of the week!!!!!#im so happy now oh man #life #college #finals #other

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lifesucksheres20bucks · 5 years

Note

Reddie prompt: Eddie always pays specifically for Richie when they go out with all the losers (like we saw with the ice cream in the movie, for example at the cinema, or the fair idk) and he suddenly realizes he does it because he involuntarily thinks about him as his "date". That's how he discovers his own crush. (If it's too specific you're free to change it as you please)

Thanks for the idea! hope you like it !!

*its late i didnt read it over im sorry*

-eddie and richie have always been closer to each other

-everyone knows it

-they claim they cant stand each other but everyone knows thats not true

-they love teasing each other but they also have their cute moments of geeking out together

- eddie has been unconsciously buying stuff for richie since they were 7 years old

- it all started when eddie brought gummy worms to school, he didnt have much bc his mom didnt want him to get sick.

-he was sooooo excited to each them during lunch time, he had been thinking about them ALL day

- he finally pulls them out and richie sees them and says “omg eds those are my absolute favorite candy! could I maybe have one?”

-eddie looks at richies puppy dog eyes and back at his gummies, man he really wanted all of those gummies but richie looked like he really want some and he could never say no to richie so...

-”yeah sure, hmm, here take these” and eddie gave him 3 out of his 7 worms

-” wow thank you eds!” richie said as he pinched eddies cheek

“dont call me that richie..” he said grinning

richie devoured those gummies in like 3 seconds

eddie ate them like a normal human being

richie then just stared at eddie eating those gummies bc mannnn he really wanted more

eddie kinda got that impression too so he split the 7th gummy in half and they shared it

richie literally hugged eddie with all the strength in his body

that whole week eddie snuck into the candy drawer at home and took extra gummies for richie

and they would both eat them together at lunch

(they even named one albert and kept it in a bag in richies locker and “looked after it” together)

after that, every time eddie would go to the drug store to get his medicine he would buy a bag of candy for him and richie to share.

every.single.time

he would save up the whole week just to buy that bag of candy

when they got older he didnt notice he did it anymore

the candy buying had stopped but if he was at the fair and he went to get a hot dog he always got an extra one for richie

or at the ice cream shop he always got some for richie

richie at this point expects food from eddie all the time, he doesnt notice it but hes like a drained dog if eddie has food, richie has food

one day the losers are are the annual derry town celebration and eddie goes to get some cotton candy for him and richie (their like 17 here)

he comes back and hands over the cotton candy to richie

mike goes to grabs some before eddie gives it to richie and without even thinking he just blurs out “NO thats for richie”

mike is just like taken aback

and eddie is too

hes just like “hmm sorry mike here take some of mine”

mike hesitantly takes some and whispers a quick thanks

eddie cheeks are red hot

“why do you only buy food for richie and never for us?” bev asks

“hm, idk, i just, uhm, i just do”

“but why only him, you've never bought us anything” ben pressed

“its just what i do, idk ive always done that”

theres a long moment of silence

after a minute the rest of the losers starts talking but eddie just sits there quietly

he starts to think of why he only buys food for richie

and he starts to think of how happy richie always looks when he brings him food

and the way he calls him cute

or the way he says “thanks Eds!” with a little pinch on the cheek

and he starts panicking

he cant breathe

he did it bc he liked it when richie gave him attention and looked at him as if, for those two seconds, he was richies whole world

he liked it

he liked richie

eddie just jumps out of his seat and beelines for his house

the losers all notice and mike decided to follow him

eddie gets to his house and just collapses near the tree, out of breathe and panicked

he cant like richie

but he did like richie

but why, he cant, richie is going to hate him, he cant like like richie no its a joke. hes just confused, they just confused him with all of these questions

that was it

he didnt like richie

he loved him

“fuck just shut up!” he yelled to himself

he just starts sobbing

Uncontrollable sobs

mike hears the crying and peddles faster

he gets to eddie and just sits next to him and wraps his arms around his shoulder

“its okay eddie just breathe okay listen to my breathing try to follow it”

they spend the next couple of minutes just concentrating on their breathing

when eddie finally calms down he just looks at mike, all red eyed and he blurs out

“i like him mike, thats why”

“why what eddie?”

“why i buy him all the food”

“oh, uhm, thats okay eddie”

“no its not =, how could i like my best friend, omg hes going to hate me, hes never going to want to talk to me again”

“You know i can never do that to my eds” they hear a voice say behind them

eddie froze, he was thinking of just bolting to his house and locking the door

“mike do you mind giving us some time alone?”

“yeah no problem man”

richie sits down next to eddie and eddie just looks straight ahead. hes too scared to look at richie

“eds, can you please look at me, i wanna say something”

eddie slowly turns his head towards richie. richie sees the tears and instinctively wipes them form his cheek

“ you know when you bring me food its usually the highlight of my day, it makes me believe that your thinking about me”

“ only makes you believe? im definitely thinking about you if im buying YOU food” eddie quietly chuckles

“ i know you are but i mean i always kinda hoped you thought of me for more than just food...”

eddie could see that richie was visibly nervous, he kept shaking his leg and biting his lip

Eddie put his hand on richie leg to try and calm him down, when he did that richie just gave him a comforting smile

“i dont want us to ruin our friendship overt this richie, i cant lose you”

“you’ll never lose me eds, we can take this slowly and figure it out together”

“okay, were going to find a way to make this work”

“ oh btw eds i brought you these”

richie pulled out a bag of gummy worms

eddies starts laughing and takes some. he rest his head on richies shoulder as he eats the gummies, knowing everything is going to be alright.\

#reddie prompt #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #reddie au #reddie imagine #reddie fanfic #reddie

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dreamy-stars · 4 years

Text

7/30/20

i’ve never felt this low in a long time, not even in sophomore year of college?? it’s like rly concentrated sadness and rly hit hard within the last month?

- i went through my first breakup, which affected me a lot more than i thought it would. it was so short lived i don’t even want to call it a relationship. i hate to admit it but it hurt so much bc it seemed like he wanted to be with me for a while. he has his reasons and he should take care of himself but i can’t help but feel thrown away without care? i wanted closure and he couldn’t even give me that. my self confidence went down the drain, and i kept questioning if there was something i could have done differently. i even contemplated if i was pretty enough XD can you believe i let a 5’6 man make me feel like this...pathetic...but yeah he rly has no emotional intelligence or something man cmon i wanna talk it out.. - it took me a while to get over him and now i dont miss him specifically, i just miss being wanted and having that connection? anyway my confidence was bad at this point and was feeling insecure in so many ways. maybe 3-4 weeks ago i started going down this dark hole, just questioning my purpose here. i’m not smart, pretty, or talented in any field. i felt kind of useless? just there... (even typing this im like tearing up hehe) comparing myself to ppl again..how i’m not good enough (in eng) just kinda wasting my parents money? and i think about if i were prettier i’d prob be treated better and those around me would pay nore attention to me? brings me to my next point :p - i feel SO lonely. it doesnt help that i went through a break up and the person i was talking to all day every day is suddenly cut from my life. my friends can contact me and stuff but i feel so left out sometimes. it’s not their fault, it’s just how my brain is ig lol. it felt like i was back in high school. i had acquaintances and was surrounded by friends but couldnt rly connect and be close to ppl. what i remeber most was being at the booth and being surrounded by girl friends and not adding to the convo at all. i felt so lonely and insecure i never want to feel that again. recently i felt it with my cousins who i have always felt close to. can u believe? i can’t rly explain it. but when sp brought her friends to the lake i felt ostracized. its so stupid for ne to feel that way, they’re literally strangers and i wish we could be like white folks that introduce each other right at the start of meeting new ppl U KNOW?? idk i’m so fucking sensitive LOL. like at least mai did it with her bf. I Am Nothing. like sp didnt introduce tp so why am i feeling like this. i guess its just me and my deep rooted trauma of being overlooked and forgotten! even when we went to the lake with just our cousins i felt SOOO SOOOOOOOO down and lonely, even more than before. i was sticking near ap bc it was kinda awkward still and i didnt want her to be lonely. i was just floating around and they played games and talked together and stuff and i felt invisible i felt so lonely even with so many ppl i love there. it didn’t help that they had sleepovers and hung out together so ich and never asked me. they even planned to sleepover later that night and didnt ask me. i wonder if it was bc i was neutral and stuck with ap? oh yeah i forgot that i couldnt go eat with them bc there was no room for me which is understandable but i still felt shitty and i think i cried that night :p it’s small insignificant things that build up for me and make me feel like an afterthought. it rly fueled my self confidence issue. AGAIN no one did anything wrong i’ve just been very sensitive and analytical of everything lately. it’s kind of led me to being distant with sp kinda like im testing her and seeing if she would reach out to me at all? its petty but i feel like she hates me fr 😂 might just be me. I Am Nothing...

ANYWAY ive been crying like pretty often just having these thoughts eat me up. it’s better now i think? it’s scary to admit but i’ve thought about dying so many times recently and i hate it. almost like it’s normalized to me now. it’s not that i would ever attempt but i understand what ppl mean when they want to disappear? i’m very blessed with loving parents and a healthy able body and a good living situation. i never want to put my parents and family through something that traumatizing. i haven’t properly expressed these feelings to anyone besides one watered down text to darwin. it was hard to even type the text, i ended up crying in the bathroom. i’ll have bad days and the thoughts creep up on me and i try to distract myself by watching stuff and it helps. i’ve been working out and dieting and i feel a lot better about myself and more positive. i’ve thought about therapy seriously but im hesitant still. if i still have issues i will, but talking through a screen and the risk of others hearing kinda turns me off. just processing my feelings and thinking about them extensively has helped me a bit but i think having a professional tell me about my feelings will make me feel better. idk how to bring it up at all, and i feel like my issues arent serious enough? but my brain been going cwazy :3

i’ve been having a rough time at home just doing a lot of nothing but being sad and working out.. i hope with school starting soon i can get out the house and be productive again! recently ive been dealing with the problem of “living for others” i notice that i care about the comfort of others and how i can satisfy them and appeal to others at my expense.. i’ve been thinking about how im not good enough for this type of guy to like me LIKE WHO AMMM IIII WHY DO I CARE...WEIRDO..... maybe im dragging myself too hard i dont think i do this much but i do be a nice comfy doormat for others :)

but overall i feel better than a few weeks ago i think! idk what that was about why is my brain like this....making irrational thoughts and hurting my own feelings...idk but it will be okay :)

#diary

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doyouevenshipbr0 · 5 years

Text

gruvia dabble

author's note: bruh. yall knew i had to write SOMETHING!!! these last couple weeks have been CRAZY for us gruvia lovers ughhh im so happy!!! and ok im probably eventually going to write what i think will happen in the upcoming chapters before they come out, but i usually don't like to write fics based on like what i think will happen in the next chap. cus then when my fic is just completely disproven by the following chapter im kinda like "eh thats kind of a waste." u know what im saying?? ik theyre called "fan fiction" for a reason but idk. i like to write things that could actually be in the realm of possibilities for the canon. ok does that make any sense??? ok well this fic is heavily inspired by our beautiful chapter 26. also it is soooo like 192727 other drabbles ive already written hehe. also this literally doesnt rly make sense tbh. i just wanted gray telling juvia his thought process like he did w juvina. so. enjoy❤️❤️❤️

"Gray-sama would you like to-" Juvia eagerly approached her dear Gray. Since the guild was finally up and running again after the Alvarez war, she couldn't wait to spend actual quality time with Gray. They hadn't really gotten to since they were so busy with the construction of the guild.

"Nope. Goin' on a job." Gray casually walked passed Juvia with his hands in his pockets.

"Eh?!" Juvia snapped her head around and watched Gray leave. "So soon?! Can Juvia at least come with?!" She called out as he continued to walk.

"Nope. Talk to ya' later." Gray didn't turn around. He just stuck a hand up and waved, still heading straight out the door.

Juvia was taken aback for a moment, but she understood. As much as she loved to shower Gray with affection, she knew he was a lone wolf at heart. And with constantly being surrounded by his guildmates as they all fought for who would get to use the hammer next, he was certainly drained.

Juvia nodded with determination. "It's alright. Next time." She said with certainty in her head.

However, over the next three weeks of Gray taking mission after mission and constantly dismissing Juvia, she was frustrated to say the least. She watched him walk out that door with hardly acknowledging her for the last time.

Without even thinking, her feet began to strut their way to catch up with Gray. She picked up her pace and finally caught up with him before he could leave the grounds of the guild.

"Gray-sama." Juvia called, and Gray paused. She used the time to catch up with him, and there they stood in the courtyard.

"What's up?" He simply asked.

"Juvia was just-- well--" She began to get nervous. She cheeks reddened as imagery of she and her beloved Gray danced through her head. She shyly put her hands behind her bag and wiggled her foot a bit. "Juvia was hoping to spend some time with Gray-sama, now that everything's finally calmed down."

"Yeah. We can later." Gray turned right back around and began walking again.

"Wait!" Juvia reached out and grabbed his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. She let go after a brief pause and Gray looking back at her with his piercing eyes.

"It's just-" She looked away, her eyes saddened. "Juvia's been trying to talk to Gray-sama for about three weeks now, and you've done nothing but ignore me." She pouted a bit. "Just when will later be?" She finished.

Gray sighed. "I dunno'"

"You don't know?!"

"Yeah. I don't know when later will be." His voice was firm.

Juvia was startled at the harshness of his voice and sheepishly caved in a bit. "Has-" Juvia stammered, clearly nervouse. "Has Juvia done something?"

"Huh?" Gray rasied a brow.

"Has Juvia done something to make Gray-sama mad at her?" Her eyes were suddenly glossy with tears, and Gray's eyes reacted by opening up.

"N-no! Not at all! You said it yourself, we haven't hung out in weeks. How could I be mad at you?" Gray was guilty for his tone.

"But why haven't you spent time with me in weeks Gray-sama?" Juvia pried, almost begging. "There's got to be a reason."

Gray's face regained composure. He remembered his purpose. He looked away. "I'm busy."

"Busy with what?"

"Busy with work."

"Well, you don't have to be so busy. And if you need to work so badly, you can always bring Juvia with you on-" Her voice regained its spunk as she began to form a new idea, only to have Gray shoot it down.

"No." He was harsh again.

"No?" Juvia's voice quivered.

"This doesn't have anything to do with you." Gray still looked away.

Juvia's heart sunk. "Oh." Tears began to well up again. "Well." She was looking for the right words to say, but she was at a loss. "Juvia will just mind her own business then." Just as she turned away to sulk back to the guild, Gray caught a glimpse of the tear that rolled down her cheek.

"Wait!" This time, Gray was the one reaching for Juvia's wrist. "I'm sorry." His voice was smoother.

"N-no..." Juvia's voice was timid. "Juvia is the one who is sorry for-"

"Stop it. You don't need to apologize." Gray loosened the grip on her wrist, but pulled her back a couple steps.

"I was lying." Gray said as Juvia finally faced him again, tears glassing over her eyes. "This does have to do with you." He blushed.

"Then why can't Juvia come with-"

"Because, that's not why it has to do with you." As Juvia cocked her head to side, clearly confused, Gray realized that what he was saying sounded silly.

"Gah!" Gray called out and hit himself with his palm, feeling frustrated for bot understanding how to form the thoughts in his head into words. "Do you wanna' sit somewhere?" He finally asked.

Juvia was still confused, but of course nodded in agreement.

The two found a nearby bench that was sitting right in front of a big, clear lake. The sunset reflected on the water, and created an image almost as beautiful as the water itself. They looked at in admiration for a moment, and Juvia turned back to Gray.

"So how does this involve Juvia?" She finally asked.

"I-- I--" Gray remained looking at the lake and ruffled his hair. "I gotta' keep going on missions."

"But why?" Juvia asked, sweetly.

"I... have to get stronger." Gray grumbled as he leaned forward.

"Stronger?" Juvia chuckled. "That's silly! Gray-sama is already the strongest man in the whole world! There is no one thay can compare to you, dear! Why would you think a few missions could improve that?" Juvia swooned.

"If I was the strongest man in the world you wouldn't have that scar." Gray finally said something clearly. Juvia choked on her breath.

"Eh?" She said, softly. "Juvia gave this scar to herself."

"And it was to save me." He seemed like he was growing angrier.

"Yes, but-"

"If I was strong enough, I would've been able to break his chains before that happened. I would've been able to stop it and save you." The composure in his voice was clearly wavering.

"Gray-sama..." Juvia reached an arm and placed it on Gray's back.

"I'm sorry Juvia." His voice shook, and he still did not look at her. "I know I promised you an answer, and at the time i meant it. I still do. It's just-"

Horrible images flashed in Gray's mind, making his skin crawl. "After Invel, and almost losing you, not begin able to protect you... it--it killed me." Gray gritted his teeth, almost like he was biting back tears.

"Darling... You know Juvia is just fine protecting herself." She reasoned.

"Yeah, but you don't understand." He spat.

"Juvia is trying to understand."

"I need more confidence in myself. I need it. I need to know I can protect you when the time comes. And I need to know with 100% certainty." He finally looked at her, and Juvia swore she could see tears trying to break loose from his eyes. "I thought I knew back then, but I was wrong. Just like I was with Ur, Ultear, my dad, and anyone that I've ever loved, but wanted to protect. Just when I thought I could, it was too late. I thought it was too late with you, but it wasn't. This is my second chance, Juvia. I need to know for certain that I'll be enough."

Juvia scooted a bit closer. "Gray-sama, there is always going to be something out there that will pose a threat to you or me. It's inevitable. All that matters is that we do everything in our power to protect one another. As long as we try, our love will always prevail. You were more than enough for me from the moment we met, and Juvia would think you would see that by now."

"I know how you feel about me, and I know how I feel about you. I just need to make sure I'm the best version of myself for you. Please, understand. I have to do this." His eyes were beckoning for her.

"Gray-sama, Juvia just-" She paused when she saw the desperation in his eyes. "When will it finally be enough? When will you know you're strong enough?"

"I've decided I'm going to take the 100 Years Quest. After that, I'll be ready. I'm certain of it." Determination was plastered in his face once again.

"This is so unnecessary." Juvia sighed. "But if this is what Gray-sama must do, Juvia will wait. Juvia understands that you must do this for yourself, but I just wish Gray-sama can see that he is already more than enough for me." She put her hand atop of his and gave him a reassuring grin.

"Thank you." Gray smiled back and gave her hand a little squeeze. "I know I'll be ready soon, and once I am, I'm gonna' go after you." Gray gave a smirk, Juvia's face became flushed with his sudden forwardness.

The two shared a heartfelt gaze, as they looked in each other's eyes and finally understood one another. They gave calming smiles, finished by another hand squeeze from Gray.

"No matter what."

#gruvia #gray x juvia #juvia x gray #doyouevenshipbr0 #fairy tail #gruvia fanfic #fanfiction #gruvia fanfiction #fanfic #gruvia drabble #juvia #juvia lockser

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romanticrobot · 7 years

Text

@lukesolo replied to your post: time to Self Isolate

you’re a good friend :(

thank.

#lukesolo #ardeth.txt #so are you my man #ive just been having a really hard time with irl friends and it is really draining me of energy and happiness #its like they've all just decided to start ragging on me lately and idk why #and i guess its just me so i've been trying to fix whatever im doing wrong and it just doesn't satify them either way and im so exhausted

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pavlovers · 6 years

Note

space asks: moon, venus, uranus, pluto, cassiopeia, leo, libra, pisces, protostar

Moon- Are you currently reading any books? If so, what book(s)?

ohh im so bad w remembering to read most days so im still technically reading the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy series but im getting almost close to finishing it, i just have mostly harmless (the last book in the series) to read. and ive also managed to read a bit of the volume of collected sylvia plath poems as well.

Venus- What’s your favorite tv show?

the one show that i know for sure ive watched all the way through is it’s always sunny in philadelphia so i’d probably say it’s that. more recently ive been enjoying a lot of black mirror and queer eye and ive also been digging into futurama as well.

Uranus- What would you say is your greatest achievement?

oh. hmmm i wouldnt say im old enough to have that many super significant life experiences, so i’ll just say me managing to maintain my 4.3 gpa is an ongoing achievement especially since even thinking about schoolwork drains me

Pluto- If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would you meet?

ajvnkfdk man idk,, the thing w the idea of meeting celebrities is that of course sounds great and all but like i am a terrible embarrassment and would not know what to say at all

Cassiopeia- What’s your favorite quote?

i dont really have an overall one i guess? i do like this one from sylvia plath’s “tale of a tub” though: “…in faith/we shall board our imagined ship and wildly sail/among sacred islands of the mad till death/shatters the fabulous stars and makes us real”.

Leo- If you could change the way any movie was made, which movie would you change?

lately i havent been too emotionally invested in movies to have a good answer to this

Libra- If you could talk to your past self, what would you tell yourself?

id tell her that she needs to stop being bitter all the time, and just accepting that certain circumstances are out of her control + feeling happy and alright with ourselves even if we’re not where we wanna be right now is a lot easier than she thinks!!

Pisces- Describe someone you love without saying their name.

she has the softest curly gray fur and loves playing fetch with her little stuffed panda toy and overall has the most adorably playful spirit. oh and she’s my uncle’s and she’s a dog.

Protostar- Give a random fact about yourself.

growing up i didnt have cable so i’d watch this channel named qubo all the time, and there was this show called the mysteries of alfred hedgehog and when i was in 3rd grade i like? kinda had an oc for it idk i didnt write it down or draw anything but in my head i made my own little hedgehog character, her name was ellie and she looked pretty much like alfred the main character except she wore a gray hoodie and her hair was in a ponytail. honestly i think it was more of just an outlet to project my tomboy-ishness at the time. this was a bit more anecdotal than it needed to be but oh well.

#ask #thank u very much diana i give u all my love <333

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angeljonghyun · 6 years

Text

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

#personal #longpost #negative #tw:suicide #tw:death

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