#if it could not physically pain me to exist that'd be great

[nattikay]

"Neytiri is such a hypocrite! She hates Spider for being human but Jake is a human too!!!" except that Jake's and Spider's situations and how they relate to Neytiri's are completely different though

Neytiri taught Na'vi culture to Jake personally and was there to watch first-hand as his perspective changed and he gradually fell in love with Pandora and the Omatikaya people. And being able to watch that process, having a level of personal investment in it as his teacher, was a major factor in her falling in love with him in the first place.

Neytiri didn't simply "fall in love with a human", not really. She fell in love with a human who in her eyes became Na'vi, and that part is significant.

I don't think Neytiri really views Jake as a human, not anymore. Though she knew it existed, she never actually saw Jake's human body until the final battle in A1--well after she'd already fully established her relationship with him in his avatar body--and even after that she probably didn't spend much time with him in human form because he permanently transferred to his avatar body shortly thereafter. She's still aware that he was born human of course, but as of the end of A1, despite the eyebrows and extra fingers, Jake is throughly Na'vi as far as Neytiri is concerned, and she watched him get there every step of the way.

She just doesn't have that experience with Spider (at least, not yet--we'll come back to that).

"Well, she SHOULD'VE taught Spider like she taught Jake!! Why didn't she??!"

Why should she?

Remember that she wasn't particularly jazzed about teaching Jake at first either. She didn't volunteer for the position, she only did it because Mo'at explicitly ordered her to. No one's assigned her to teach Spider like that. She's got enough to do during the day with her regular clan duties and raising her own four children; why, exactly, should we expect her to go way out of her way to take enough special interest in Spider, someone whose presence she's kinda iffy about to begin with, to teach him the ins and outs of Na'vi culture like she did for Jake?

"Well, she shouldn't have been iffy with his presence at all!! That's not fair!"

Ok, let's back up a bit. Hear me out before you start yelling.

Neytiri has been through a ridiculous amount of serious traumas in her life, most if not all of which have come at the hands of humans. She witnessed/experienced firsthand:

her sister getting shot and killed.

the Tree of Voices getting bulldozed, an incredible sacred location to her culture where she and other clan members could come to commune with their ancestors, including her now-dead sister.

her ancestral home being brutally destroyed, killing many more of her clanmates in the process.

her father dying in the aftermath of the destruction.

Seze, meant to be a lifelong partnership, getting shot and killed while Neytiri was connected through tsaheylu, meaning she probably experienced not only the heartache of loosing her ikran companion but also the physical pain of the bullet

...yeah, is it really any wonder she feels kinda iffy about humans? And Spider specifically has the added factor of being the son of not just any random human solider but of Quaritch, whom Neytiri had personal beef with.

Now, is it fair to Spider to be judged for the sins of his father and/or species? Of course not. Spider is an innocent party, and has done nothing wrong.

But is it unreasonable, based on everything she's been through, for Neytiri to look at Spider and be reminded of Quaritch etc., and to be uncomfortable with that? Not really, I don't think, and if we could stop demonizing her for it that'd be great.

No, Spider does not "deserve" Neytiri disliking him. But expecting Neytiri to quickly, nigh-magically just get over all of her human-inflicted trauma in order to love or even like Spider right away is a lot.

Key words: right away. Because guys, I think we're forgetting here that these character's stories are not over yet. We're on movie 2 out of 5. That's not even HALFWAY through the story!!

Yes, Neytiri still has issues she needs to work through, areas where she still needs to grow--of COURSE she does, because her story is not over. If she, or the other characters, were already perfect, there would be no story left to tell--or at least, not a very interesting one. Characters need room to grow, otherwise they become boring (isn't that the whole problem with the dreaded "Mary Sue"?)

Same with Spider, his story is not over yet. He and Neytiri still have PLENTY of time to work things out and develop their relationship, among other things, however they need to.

And I do think that their relationship is something that will be explored and resolved by the end. Said resolution might not come until A5, but I think it will come.

Overall I just don't really think it's fair to vilify Neytiri simply because that resolution didn't happen in Spider's childhood--y'know, before the real meat of the story even got started. Have some patience, friends.

tl;dr in a vacuum is Neytiri "in the right" for disliking Spider based on his ancestry? No, of course not. But is she a bad person for struggling to like/trust humans in general after all the very real and very serious traumas she's experienced? Also no. Is it something she needs to work on, sure--but give it time, and let's see how the story develops.

#avatar #avatar 2 #neytiri #spider socorro

[aceofwhump]

hello my dear!!! how are you? hope the new year is treating you well 💜💜 I'm wondering if you or your followers have any h/c fic recs for Bucky or Hawkeye?

Hello nonny! I'm doing very well! So far 2023 has been pretty great. Three days into the new I got a call to interview for a job I really want, had the interview yesterday and it went really well. So I'm really hoping that I'll get the next interview and hopefully the job! I've been trying for a long time to get a job and already 2023 is treating me better at the job search than 2019, 2020, 2021, and 2022 lol. I hope the year is going well for you so far!!!

Anyways, yes I do have a few fic recs for you! Love both Hawkeye and Bucky whump. Good stuff.

For Hawkeye:

Teambreaking by Arkada: The Avengers are supposed to be a team, but when the team turns into a sexual relationship, Clint just knows everything's going to fall apart, because he's asexual, and suddenly the team is something he can't be a part of. Being alone is the last thing in the world he wants, and he'll go to desperate lengths to keep his friends with him.

Coming In by Arkada: Clint's asexual, and he's been putting himself in Medical to keep it secret from the Avengers. Telling them makes things worse before they're better.

SOS Hawkeye aka 1001 Ways to Almost Kill Clint Barton by Sandylee007: Exactly as the title suggests. A collection of (mostly) independent oneshots or short stories where Clint Barton, alias Hawkeye, nearly dies.

A Hawk's Freefall by Sandylee007: On a mission that was supposed to be routine Clint/Hawkeye ends up getting badly injured. Has luck finally ran out or will the team and his own stubbornness keep him hanging on?

Thin Ice by AisforAWKWARD: For JadenGrace1's prompt, "While rescuing Tony, Clint falls through the ice of a frozen lake, river, etc. Cue lots of snark, angst, and more snark."

The Best Laid Plans by flashwitch: So, Clint's been rescued. But it's not all hearts and flowers. He's struggling in the aftermath, and the rest of the team are all struggling along with him. Latest in the OCD Verse. Follows on directly from Break from Routine.

Friends Check for Bullet Wounds by Ezra Cross: utter, shameless, clint injury. It's been a couple months since New York changed everyone. Bruce tracks Clint down in his room one night and finds the archer in dire straights. terrified to move with a ten inch steak knife stuck in his chest, what will they do to save him? And what sort of pain has Clint been hiding beneath the physical?Team bonding, Clint!whump, Steve/Thor revenge

For Bucky:

Bullets and Bandages, Tanks and Tents by OneStepShort: “It’s okay, I got it.” Sam doesn’t really listen to him. “What are you gonna do, pull it out yourself?” Bucky doesn’t answer. Sam finally stills. “You can’t pull it out yourself.”

Acceptance is the first part of Healing by Laevateinn: "You good?" Wilson asks him, after he fought against eight men. "You okay?" Wilson asks him, when they get to Sharon’s house. "You hurt?" Wilson asks him, when they get out of the car. Yes, Wilson. All good. Now if the guy could shut up and carry on, that'd be great. Why would he be anything but anyway? It's not as if anything that happened that day hasn't happened before.

Rest by HeartoftheWizard: Bucky refuses to sleep. Getting electrocuted in the warehouse while fighting Walker brings back traumatic memories for him. He can only go without sleep for so long.

pitch black; pale blue by freakymcgoo: Sam desperately wants to shove the idea back under and forget it existed; the swell of rage and fear tailgating the realization that Bucky is the merchandise, and all the underlying reasons why that even makes sense. He wants to cling to the last shreds of his denial, hold his momma’s hand like a scared little kid again, because in no world should that make sense. ---- Before the deal at the bar begins, Selby requires a demonstration from the Winter Soldier. Sam doesn't take it well.

Masks Required by FalconEye: It’s just a piece of cloth, so why can’t Bucky just put it on?

i don’t need serotonin if i can just have your hand by cyanica: "Can I… Can I hold your hand?” He reached out, human and warm in the sunlight that shone upon Sam in a kind of iridescence that was all-consuming. His eyes were half-lidded and glassy, the twilight dawn breaking all over the atmosphere as he watched it devote itself to Sam’s presence like each spec of dust caught within the sunshine were fireflies addicted to his glow. “Something – something else to know what's real if I wake up and can't remember.”

Hold Me Close and Hold Me Fast by gr0gu:

It's all too much for Bucky. The lights, the music - if you can call this music, the bodies rubbing against one another. He feels claustrophobic and like his body is on fire. It's obvious to him what's happening when he feels throat is closing up and his palm begins to sweat. He needs to get out of here before he does something stupid. Something dangerous. or - Sam helps Bucky get out of his head by dancing. Feelings ensue.

a glimpse into the lives of Sam and Bucky by Shes_from_the_Twilight_Zone: The evolution of Sam and Bucky’s relationship (told in no particular order) as told through some angsty and fluffy moments/one-shots.

A Star in the Western Sky by juniperwick: Sam wakes up on the flight to Riga to find Bucky's not okay.

#mod replies #ask #mods fic recs #bucky barnes #clint barton #the winter soldier #hawkeye #whump fics

[bradenthompson]

Sorry, I'm still thinking about the Toy Story villains

At some point, really early on in the series, the Toy Story movies became dependent on their villains. Like, in a major way. And ik everyone loves a Disney villain, the archetype is practically a money printer, but I think the movies got progressively worse on account of a villains presence.

So there's Toy Story 1. Inarguably, the villain is Sid, and I know it's not a revelatory thing to bring up that Sid is not a directly malicious character. Perhaps he is a bit of a shithead. He has his moments (stealing and mutilating his sister's doll stands out) but to call Sid the villain of the story, the antagonist in the sense of directly and knowingly opposing the goals of the protagonist, it's hard for me to call him a villain. To say he's this great monster would mean him knowing that the toys are alive, and his mad science experiments would then be a crime against consciousness. But he doesn't know this. And whether or not the toys feel pain is up to interpretation anyway (physical pain). I would argue that Sid blowing up and hacking together his toys is indeed a form of playing, to which I would ask Andy's toys what qualifies as being played with in the first place.

The dog isn't a villain either, dude, it's a dog. It's attacking a small thing it saw running around the house, literally any dog would do this.

Under the structure of proceeding Toy Story movies, one would assume Mr. Potato Head would end up the villain. At worst, he misinterprets things. Maybe has a bad-faith read on Woody's actions, doesn't respect him as a leader, etc. I just know if Toy Story 1 was somehow a sequel, it'd turn our Potato Head was the previous favorite and orchestrated Woody's downfall to remove him from the picture, and Potato Head would then serve as this dark reflection of what Woody may become should jealousy overpower his judgement.

Toy Story 2 has two villains again, arguably. There's Al, the toy store mogul who wants to sell Woody as a collector's item. He does steal Woody, which is certainly an evil thing to do, and his goal is to unintentionally separate Andy's toys forever, but I would still argue Al is a neutral power. His goals are self-serving, not done explicitly out of hate or want to see a bunch of sentient toys suffer. If anything, he wants them to prosper, it's just that his idea of this runs counter to what toys actually desire.

But the real villain is the Prospector, duh. He very knowingly forces Woody into being sold, and does so without a care to how the other toys feel about it. Where I feel he's the best example of this, however, is in how the Prospector's motivations are so cleanly fit into the fact that he is a toy. In universe, the Prospector is the least popular character in a roster of cowboy dolls. He's still in his box, at the start, because he was so unpopular as to never be opened. In antique, however, he's found a new life, hence why he doesn't leave the box even though he could (y'know, as far as the other toys know). He lays out his motivation in like twenty seconds, and in a way that the other toys ought to understand his position. He's finally wanted, in some capacity. He has existed for decades (a long time in toy years as I am to understand) never having been wanted, by anyone. Gotta be torturous, for a toy. What I'm saying is the Prospector is like the only Toy Story villain wherein his motivations as a toy villain feel earned. And he turned on the tv last night, not Jessie.

Then there's Toy Story 3. I could do another one of these posts about why I don't like the movie in general, but for the scope of this paper I'll leave it at the villains being bad. Lotso sucks, dude. He's so lame, and his motivation is totally unreasonable, he's an illogical character as far as being a toy goes, his reasons for being a villain depend on him being stupid, and maybe that'd all still work if the movie wasn't granting him the same council as the Prospector. But it does. Honestly the "head honcho at the prison-esque daycare who has simply let the power go to his head" is the more derivative character, but that would maybe be the more acceptable one. Lotso's whole thing is that he and a few other daycare toys were once owned by a little girl who, while on a road trip, left them behind. Lotso hikes all the way back to the kid's house only to find he had been replaced by another toy. This drives Lotso up the fucking wall, in an irreversible way, to the point that he rejects the very idea of any toy, after getting lost, would ever be wanted again.

What I don't like about this backstory is, for one, it's a whole cutaway. The Prospector laid out his motivation in like ten seconds, as a part of an emotional blowup that felt natural to the point of not feeling like expounding. Two, Lotso feeling so betrayed by this actual child would mean Lotso not understanding anything about humans. And three movies have shown us that the toy have some idea of how the human world works. It's not like The Lego Movie, where humans are godlike figures whose motives are unknowable. They understand they are playthings, they understand the concept of being sold in a store and manufactured by companies and having duplicates and being apart of a line of toys, the only thing preventing any of this is a brief acclimation phase where they forget their lore. Lotso knows all of this, except the part where the parents of a kid who lost a toy would most probably have it replaced.

Then there's the point where he just starts trying to kill the other toys. Maybe if they allowed Lotso's worldview to change, this wouldn't be an issue. Lots of people are turned off from emotional vulnerability, when they feel that vulnerability's been betrayed. Lotso feels like if it didn't work out for him, it could not possibly work out for anyone else. He's wrong, we know he's wrong, but the writer's don't wanna give him this. He tries having the toys burned to death and is punished with a life of endless torment. Other toys in this series start in a very similar place as Lotso, emotionally, with regards to human relationships, and are allowed the space to come around on it. Lotso, nope, and I don't think it's allowing that space like "oh some people will never change" because he goes from wanting to maintain order in the daycare to doing what is ostensibly murder within ten minutes.

(I'll have to rewatch Toy Story 4 to update this, but I'll be back. I promise I'll bring the thesis back around).

Okay, so I rewatched Toy Story 4, and it's a good thing I did bc turns out I forgot most of that movie. I think there's a much larger essay to be written about Toy Story 4 as it pertains to Pixar top brass, studio bias, a continued "learning to move on" motif carried over from movie 3 that may just be a reflection of the studio's reluctance to pass the torch in any meaningful way, et chetera et chetera. If nothing else, I did not expect Toy Story 4 to have me thinking all that much. One assumes a fundamentally unnecessary continuation will have just as mindless a critique, but no.

But this is about villains, which is also the element of Toy Story 4 that irritates me the most. In the sense that the film had a chance to do something totally new for the series, with regards to antagonism, and just didn't. So, the villain is Gabby Gabby, a 1950s gimmick doll with a voice box feature near identical to Woody's. Hers does not work anymore, and she's convinced that should her voice box be fixed, she will be wanted by a kid again. Cue "generally understandable goal which they go to unreasonable lengths to meet" thing a lot of villains are doing these days.

The thing that interests me about Gabby Gabby is that she fantasizes about being the Toy of a very specific kid. One who, if you pay attention, we know to not carry and strong attachment to any one toy (the kid picks up Woody in the antique store and seems to not care at all when he goes missing, plays zero favoritism with the toys she has the lay of in the antique store). This is a good bit of dramatic irony, a sort of partnership that can never be and Gabby Gabby is blind to this, but a toy dreaming of being loved by a specific, particular kid is something new to the series. Other toys who miss their owners (Woody in 4, Jessie in 2) are longing for halcyon days. At best, however, Gabby Gabby only has an idea of what being loved by a kid is like. One compounded by how Woody talks about Andy. In that way, he unintentionally feeds into Gabby Gabby's delusion by way of never getting over Andy. I like all of this setup.

And then the movie totally shits the bed with Gabby Gabby in the last ten yards gngnkggngnnngngghhghgggnn

Semi-predictable development; Gabby Gabby gets a hold of Woody's voice box, and at this point he sympathizes with her to the point of wanting to see her dream fulfilled. In a predictable but still well directed crescendo, the kid Gabby Gabby has dreamed about the whole movie rejects her almost instantly. The voice box was not, in fact, all she needed to be loved.

Now, I think this is good, too. We still have yet to see a villain in one of these movie experience undoing by their own hand. Like, their fundamental wrongness is proven to them in their own actions. Gabby Gabby's worth is not dependent on having a voice box, and in this moment of heartbreak, we expect her to internalize this. You do not only succeed with some perceived "best version" of yourself.

and then AND THEN and then the film just throws her off to a heretofore totally unseen kid who loves the toy immediately, and its implied the voice box is a active agent in this. That's the end of her character. So, the lesson is not getting too attached to any one person, instead you should wait five minutes before someone else just shows up, oh and she was right to take Woody's voice box because there's a slim to decent chance it was integral to this random child taking an interest in the Gabby Gabby toy stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupi

I've got several issues with this, one being that the themes of the film up to this point led me to think Gabby Gabby would end up a lost toy ala Bo Peep and (as it turns out) Woody, y'know, deliver on that "we define our own self-worth" thing, and Gabby Gabby ending up matched to a kid anyway feels like a huge Panic Button moment. In a broad sense, I think it speaks to Toy Story 4's discomfort with sticking to any one message. One on hand, the film wants the toys to seek out their own happiness, divorced from the idea that their worth is defined by some child. Then again, they don't want to suggest that toys would be better off without kids (kids are going to watch this movie) so they settle on a very nervous "works for some, not for others" middle ground. What we have here is a message born more from Toy Story lore than from truth. The end result is Gabby Gabby's story feeling incidental, an odd quality for the antagonist of a movie to have.

So, what does this all mean to me?

I'm damn close to suggesting that Toy Story 4 would better work with Gabby Gabby being totally retooled. There's a decent chance the film would work better without her. The debate of being a lost toy versus not being would play out better with more main cast input (like three quarters of the toys from previous films do literally nothing). I can't help but feel the story quality diminishes as a result of emphasis on villain arcs. And for me, "toy villain" is not as compelling as these films insist it is. At best, Losto and Gabby Gabby feel like clumsier executions of that "dark reflection of main character's anxieties" thing the Prospector was in 2.

#nightblogging #disney #toy story

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #142

Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeah.

Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No, but that'd be very cool.

What do you enjoy most about your life? The people in it.

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? There's one occasion I can think of, where I snapped at him when I could've pointed out something that bothered me in a nicer way. I did basically immediately apologize for it, being completely unwilling for my impulsive mouth to take part in any argument we may ever have, but still.

How many people with the name Taylor do you know? Girt's very close friend that currently lives with him is named Taylor. I know there has to be a couple more that I know of, but idk.

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? Yes. Way too much, specifically about my weight.

Have you ever stripped for someone? No, that'd be way too awkward for me. I'm too self-conscious of my body for someone's attention to be fully on it, and even in high school when I wasn't nearly as bad, I still don't think I would've been able to.

Have you ever wanted to believe in something, but couldn’t? Yes, the most obvious in my life being religion. Even as a child, I just had so many doubts, so much didn't make sense, but I'd shut myself up whenever I let myself wonder about it in fear that I would abandon religion and go to "Hell." Christianity is such fucking fear-mongering and I can't stand it.

Do you know how old your dad is? Exactly 60 now I think; I actually thought he was 60 already, but he mentioned being that number at his birthday lunch, so. I'm regularly one or two years off with my parents' ages.

Were you sad that Panic! at the Disco broke up? I've never listened to them a whole lot, but yeah, they're still a band I enjoyed and knew since what, being a pre-teen or maybe younger? I completely and entirely respect Brendon's decision to prioritize his wife and oncoming child, though.

Did you cry when you watched The Notebook? I have at least teared up at the end every single time I've watched it.

Have you ever attempted to beat box? lol no

When was the last time you saw your “first love”? The beginning of February 2017.

Who’s the smartest person you know personally? Girt, he is super intelligent.

You can’t feel pain for an entire day. What would you do? Hm, if I had the appropriate funds, probably get this really big and detailed tattoo I want on my upper left arm/shoulder area. It's probably gonna be the most expensive shit I ever get done and will certainly take a majorly long time, so it'd be great to not feel it, haha.

Who makes you the happiest? Girt.

Do you think that deep down, everyone is good at heart? Uh, no. I think we've seen enough proof of that in the world.

How many people have you kissed? Four.

How many of those people are you still friends with? Just one, Girt, and we're still dating.

Where did you go, the last time you left your house? My county's medical complex, where I do physical therapy.

Did you ever see the movie Good Burger when it came out? Not when it came out, but I have seen it and love it.

Say something nice about someone you really don’t care for: He loves his kids a lot. But Mom and I both see that he treats Aubree (not his biological daughter) somewhat differently, which is absolutely not okay. Like yeah, he's decent enough/definitely not awful, but there is absolutely a difference in how he treats her versus Ryder and Emerson.

Would you say that you’re popular? lol no

Would you say that you’ve been in love with someone? I know I have twice.

What do you consider to be the most profound of emotions? Complete, genuine love. Both romantic and not.

What brand of deodorant do you wear? Secret.

Do you believe that love isn’t right for everyone? Uh yes, aromantic people exist. Not everyone wants a romantic relationship, and that is perfectly okay.

If you could only love one person, would you choose yourself? Ugh... I realistically don't think I would. I should, but I know myself.

What’re your brothers/sisters like? If you don’t have any, do you wish you did? Nicole: extremely independent, ambitious, and determined, and pretty damn fearless. She is a very hard worker and a legend of a children's social worker, a literal hero, and she's entirely open about who she is and you're either gonna take it or leave it. She's the person that'll say things you're too afraid to, and she has a strong moral compass. I look up to her a lot. Ashley: I barely even know what's really her anymore tbfh, Mom and I (and probably Nicole, I cannot see how she couldn't) have both seen her change so much since her marriage, and not in a good way. She's a very dedicated mother, but has become a submissive follower of whatever her husband and in-laws want. She's constantly stressed out and just not the person I knew growing up. I worry about her. Katie: she's the sibling I'm most like. We're introverts and both deal with bipolarity (but I'm pretty sure hers is bipolar 1, if I remember right), and have bad mental health histories. She's a brilliant cake decorator. I wish I got to see her more; that goes for the next two, too. Misty: she's a firecracker that changes for absolutely nobody and wears her beliefs and what she loves on her sleeve. She's a Harry Potter addict and a MASSIVE reader, like her dream is to own a big library. She's also very into witchy stuff and considers herself one. She has some WILD beliefs (I'm not attaching that to her considering herself a witch, this is a completely independent thing), some that are very problematic and straight-up ignorant, and she often makes me roll my eyes on social media with some of the bonkers shit she posts, but I mean I still love her. Bobby: just a straight-up good man. He's very intelligent with a fantastic heart and values, and he is probably the best dad I have ever met in my entire life, and a fantastic husband. He loves being outside and partakes in a lot of running events and jogs and hikes regularly.

Do you consider pets family? If you don't, you don't deserve pets, like at all.

Have you lost a family member recently? No, thank fuck.

Is there anyone you would take a bullet for? If so, who? I'm not going to list them all, because it's honestly a very big number.

What job does your significant other have? He works at a tire factory.

What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? A boxer mix named Cali.

How long has it been since you moved out of the house you grew up in? Oh I have no idea, a very long time.

The last time you ate leftovers, what was it that you were eating? Pasta with normal marinara sauce.

What are 5-10 things you love about being you? The people in my life, my love for animals and nature as a whole, I try my best to be a good person that encourages love, I'm creative, and uhhhhh... I'm empathetic and like to comfort people.

What is your favorite board that you've made on Pinterest? it's just a collection of Rammstein pics y'all 😭

What is your favorite apple-flavored treat? Uh... maybe an apple cobbler. I really enjoy apple-flavored lollipops, too.

Have you ever met anyone named Eden? No, but that's a beautiful name.

What is your favorite type of tree? Wisterias, weeping willows, and sequoias/redwoods (I know they're different, I'm just grouping them together cuz I can't tell the difference lol). Cherry blossoms are also noteworthy.

Have you ever had a spaniel for a pet? Yes; Teddy's mother was a cocker spaniel (he got like, zero traits from her lol), and supposedly Dale was part cocker spaniel too, but he looked more like a goldendoodle to me.

Do you any of your family members have birthdays on a holiday, and if so, which one(s)? Yes; my oldest half-sister was born on the 4th of July, my brother was born on Earth Day, and Nicole's birthday sometimes falls on Easter.

Which medication(s) do you feel have helped you the most, and why? Latuda with Lamictal used as a catalyst very literally saved my life. It's the reason I've healed this much from the breakup and found hope. I only ever stopped it because my body stopped responding to Latuda after some years, but thankfully I've never returned to the low that I constantly was prior to it. Intense therapy at the same time also helped without a doubt.

Is your current doctor a male or female? My primary care physician is a man, which I dislike, but he's a fine guy. My psychiatrist and therapist are both women.

What type of soda do you drink most regularly? Mountain Dew.

Do you like the band Seether? I do.

Do you have asthma? I suspected it my entire life, and fucking finally I'm supposedly getting some test for it the next time I see my PCP. It's way fuckin overdue, but I don't think even my mom knew there was a legit test for it until it was a topic brought up in physical therapy.

Have you ever performed on stage? What did you do? Yes, I danced for a very long time.

What is your favorite video game? Silent Hill 2, there are no words for how much I adore that game and the emotional journey it takes you on.

What’s your screen name? In the vast majority of places, it's Ozzkat, but not all.

When did you graduate from high school? 2014.

Are you planning to have a family? When? Not kids, no. Just lots of pets, so long as we can properly provide for each one.

What is the one thing people say about you the most? Uh... probably that I'm quiet, at least in real life.

What have you done that you’re particularly proud of? Healed as much as I think is possible from a very traumatic breakup.

How many televisions do you have in your house? Three, but one (it's very small) isn't up at all times.

Do you use your hand when you speak? YES, I am an extreme hand-talker; I do it without realizing it, but know I absolutely do.

What is your dream car? I don't care, odds are I'll never drive anyway.

Have you lived around here long? I've lived in this general area/county my entire life.

What do you do to pull yourself out of a bad mood? Talk to Girt, Mom, or Mazzy and Tez, watch something funny on YouTube, sometimes naps are a good "reset" on my mood if I'm down for no real reason, and often a Tumblr scroll will help, haha. Doing something productive is also helpful, but often when I'm really down, I don't have the strength to do it.

Why do girls follow each other to the restroom? Safety.

Who do you talk to most on the phone? My mom.

Are you pregnant? I can assure you I'm not.

Do you like poetry? Write poetry? I love poetry; I've written a lot of it and want to do more, as well as read more.

Do you know anyone who has any STDs? I'm aware of one person who has one, but I'm 100% positive I know more than just her without being aware of it. They're more common than people tend to think.

Have you ever taken a shower with someone that is not a family member? Only as a little girl, with a best friend. I have zero interest in doing this as an adult.

First type of porn you have ever watched? (ie. lesbian, hentai, threesome) I've never watched it and have a negative amount of interest in doing so.

Has any of your partners had sex with someone else? Not while we('ve) dated, no, but both serious partners have done so before we dated.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

[ryudeistanning]

Help someone yeet me off this website so I'll go back to the 6 essays I have to do ☠☠☠

#why am i like this #*screaming* #seriously this is bad #my financial future depends on this #i mayhaps am having a panic attack #ouch my heart #if it could not physically pain me to exist that'd be great #just me #regretting everything #not kpop

[megthemewlingquim]

Doubts

Summary: You and Loki have a serious conversation about what you believe in.

Pairing: Loki x Christian!Reader

Warnings: Christian beliefs, absolute blasphemy, mentions of God, feelings of inadequacy and doubt, one or two thoughts related to suicide, hurt/comfort

Prompt: Drown by Tyler Joseph. Lyrics from the song will be in bold.

A/N: This is for @kitkatd7 's writing challenge! She's such a sweetheart. The prompt is listed above — it's honestly one of the saddest songs I've ever listened to, and it certainly was a challenge to write this. I can identify and relate to the reader. I basically put you in my shoes. I hope you like this!

All is quiet, but you want to scream.

You feel like you can't breathe, your breath caught in your throat and your wet eyes shut tight, tight, tight —

Though the world around you, including the lover by your side, is silent, your own thoughts attack you. They are not loud but they are frequent.

Do you really think God cares about you? He left you a long time ago. He likes to see you suffer from loneliness and anxiety. He likes it. You don't matter to Him, not at all. Your sinfulness is too great for Him to forgive.

You bite down on your hand to silence your sobs. You barely make a sound — you don't want to make a sound.

You want to die.

You don't want to kill yourself. Dear God, no.

But, hey, if you died right now, and you could escape from your doubts and fears, that'd be fine —

"Don't. Don't say that. Don't even think it."

Oh. He's up. And, even better, he's listening to your thoughts.

"I thought I told you not to do that," you say weakly, not looking over at him.

"They were too loud. Too desperate," Loki whispers. "Turn around, love, let me see you." He's pleading with you.

You comply, turning over in one fast, almost careless motion to look your lover in the face.

"Why — why — why are you thinking like this?" Loki's dumbfounded, stunned. Teary eyed, he tugs you to him, and suddenly you can't keep your sobs away or your arms from gripping onto him for dear life, your knuckles white. You shatter in his embrace, sobbing helplessly.

Loki makes a sound in his throat, a combination of a sigh and a whimper. He grips you to him as well. "What's the matter, my heart? Tell me everything..."

You can't, though you want to. You can't find your breath. All you do for a while is cry as Loki holds you, grateful that he is there.

"Whatever you're thinking," he says quietly, his voice causing low, comforting vibrations in his chest, "all I want you to know is that I love you. I adore you, sweetheart, and if you left..." He draws in a shaky breath. "God, I wouldn't know what I would do... But for now, I will listen to you. All you have to do is talk to me. I can't help you if you don't do that."

You nod, your sniffles becoming more frequent than your cries.

"Now, can we dry those lovely eyes? I can't stand to see you cry." Loki strokes your head, your shaking torso. "Take deep breaths now, love. That's it... Can you talk to me now?"

"Yeah — yeah," you stammer. You're calming down a little, your breaths becoming more even and your thoughts becoming less loud and crushing. It helps some to have Loki's embrace, his kind words and his gentle touches. It helps you know that you're not alone right now, it helps you to know that there's someone next to you to love.

"Okay. Go on. What's the matter with my darling, hmm?" Loki lets go of you a little, holds you a little less tightly. His body remains just as close to yours, though. You, in turn, let your hands fall to the mattress and raise your head a little to look into Loki's eyes.

"I've... I've been having some tr—trouble praying. And — and sleeping. Mostly praying..."

Loki's face softens then.

You were the one to try to help him believe in a God bigger than his world's. Yes, the Nine Realms existed, and they came into being the way he knew, but to you, Earth was created by your God — Who would also have existed as some form of Norse god that Loki knew.

Which is what you tried to tell Loki. Tried.

(Yes, it's confusing, but it's not the issue here...)

Loki was open to believing almost anything, so he listened to your versions of the Bible stories you remembered. He admired the fact that you believed in a very personal God, one that came to Earth to suffer and die for humanity, then defy death and rise again. Fully God and fully man, that's a concept that Loki never understood. But bless him, he tried.

"Oh..." Loki muses. "Why's that?"

"Er — it's just that... on some days... I feel. I feel... lost. I feel... I feel like —" You take a sharp breath. "I feel like God doesn't want to hear from me."

There's a pause. A very uncomfortable one.

"Why — why would that be?" he asks, and he sounds genuinely confused, concerned.

"I don't know," you mutter. "I just think it. I just think that God has turned away, that He doesn't want to be with me and that he doesn't forgive me for anything I've done."

"That's — that's awful," Loki says sadly. "And... I'm sure that's not true... But go on. Anything else that's bothering you?"

"It's just that I do so much, I try so hard to be better, to be what He wants me to be. I wanna be a lot of things. And I fail. I feel like I'm failing miserably, drastically. And then I crash dramatically into a wall I've hit a hundred times before. I fall back into the same mistakes. Then I go to God when I've failed with my choices.

It feels like He doesn't want to forgive me. And I've read stories about how sinning physically hurts God. Like I'm causing him pain. I draw blood. I still ignore the dark red blood stains on the floor. But... I want to go up to Him and ask, "Is the blood mine or Yours?" I'm confused and lost and scared..."

You say all of this slowly, trying to make this as descriptive as possible, for both of your sakes. So that you can better process it and so that Loki can better understand it.

"I don't want to do this anymore," you say blankly.

"It's the guilt," Loki says. "The guilt of sinning."

You nod. "I've just been feeling so alone, so distant from God lately. A part of me just... isn't there. I'm hollow."

"Well, isn't God always with you? That's a thing you told me... He told his followers, 'I am always with you, until the end of the age.'"

"Yeah," you say. "But that's not how I feel. Not all of the time. Sometimes, I'm alright. Other times, I feel so numb and that everything around me is so dark. I'm screaming submission and I don't know if I am dying or living."

"You're speaking in metaphors, love. But I understand. You feel empty. Depressed. Alone."

You sniff, his words sinking in again. The tears resurface.

"All I want is — I want Him to drown me. Dr—drown me in His love. But I never — I never feel worthy of it."

"Oh, no, no, love... No more tears," Loki whispers. "Please, no..." He grips you tighter again. "Sweetheart, I need you to understand something.

"God is with you always, and He sees your pain, okay? You're never alone. Never. And I think what He'd want you to do is talk to Him about it. And... it's good that you feel like you're not worthy, because you're not."

Those words are not what you are expecting to hear. You look up at him, shocked and hurt. "What?!" Your voice tremble.

He gasps, guilt crossing his face. "I didn't mean it like that. What I meant was... you're not worthy, but God doesn't care. Because He died for you. He gave you his grace by that act of love — suffering and dying at the hands of the Romans and the Jews, yeah? He did that for you."

"There's — there's a quote by C.S Lewis that I remember," you say, regaining your mind and emotions. You're starting to feel better, calmer, more helpful. "'When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you'd been the only man in the world.'"

"That's a wonderful thought, my love. Take heart in that. Believe it."

He draws you closer then, kissing your temple. "You're going to be alright. All God wants is to be with you. Don't let your thoughts tell you otherwise. He loves you. He loves you, He loves you, He loves you. And I love you. Oh, my darling, I love you to the ends of the earth. And that is all you need to know."

You sigh, drowsiness suddenly taking you over. "Thank you," you whisper, feeling much better.

"You're absolutely welcome, dear heart. Remember... you're never alone. And God would want you to keep living. Stay alive, because He has better plans for you than this. I promise."

#loki of asgard #loki (marvel) #loki fanfic #loki #loki x you #loki fandom #loki x reader #fluff #hurt/comfort