#im a professional (lie lie lie)

[inkskinned]

you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.

(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)

but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.

(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)

there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.

(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)

you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.

(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)

you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.

in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.

but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.

they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.

it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.

#spilled ink #warm up #can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically #i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason #it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism. #and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out #we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you. #this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism #where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off. #your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell #at the industry - you are probably not listening . #anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit #but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance #> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally #> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field #> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :) #(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice #i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what. #cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men. #so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT. #instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them. #which btw. is like. actual feminism.)

[curioscurio]

Reading some more books about autism ! I don't quite know if I'm on the spectrum (a lot of tests seem to lean towards yes) but still! A lot of them make the very lonely person inside me feel seen and understood a little more than before :]

#im not gonna lie im a little hesitant to get seriously tested. a lot of professionals think its a trendy tik tok thing and i have a feeling #that i wouldnt be taken seriously anyway #besides in the us theres pretty much no benefit to being professionally diagnosed as an adult and only consequences #i also think i need to find a therapist who specializes in cptsd cuz boy howdy. theres a lot of other stuff underlying that has sat dusty #in my brain for a long time #i just need a psychologist thats willing to get down and dirty with my trauma because i sure am not good at it on my own #also if anyone knows anytging about house fires leaving you technically homeless at the age of 9 and how that affected you in life. #shoot it my way lol

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i do believe.... that i Understand obs enough to use its base functions now...

#thank you youtube tutorial 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 #WE'RE CLOSE IT'S CLOSE!!! #im going to go make a picarto account actually #tomorrow i may recruit a friend or two to help me test stream! #i'll ask when they're available... fuck yeah.... #absolutely unprompted #im excited! Its Happening! #ive wanted to do art streams for many a year and now my dream is being Realized #ive got an extra monitor... a mic... obs studio... headphones... hell yeah... #im a professional (lie lie lie)

[soldier-poet-king]

being full of extreme emotions 24/7 does NOT make you good at expressing emotions, especially when it's sanitized, socially-ordained sentiment demanded by professional etiquette. in fact, being super upfront and genuine about my emotions makes this faux behaviour MORE excruciating, imho

source: i am consistently the most emotional person on the face of the earth, but am experiencing The Agonies trying to write thank you cards for my second-last day at work

#like it's fine. i can do it. i'll live #i UNDERSTAND why we have professional etiquette and social scripts like #I GET IT #i just think that in many (not all but many) they are very stupid!! and i am bad at them!! #it feels like LYING and i CANT LIE IT MAKES ME FEEL SICK #like i am expressing emotions which i am not experiencing!! which is rare #i express my silly extreme emotions 24/7 but now??? #WORKPLACE EMOTIONS??? IN FANCY NICE CARDS???? #insane. idk man #i think it is part i am very awkward and socially bad thing. do not like proscribed social scripts and all that #and it's part a class thing?? like. grow up poor working class #my idea of a thank u is like. i bake cookies. i bring lasagne. idk man #CARDS??? STATIONERY??? #it's like. we are running on social scripts i dont understand and was never taught #and therefore hard to follow #GOOGLE. MY BESTIE. HOW DO I WRITE A XYZ #just trying not to like. socially blunder yknow #i KNOW ppl find my awkward genuineness endearing in a pitiful child charming way #but I AM TRYING TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A PROFESSIONAL #bc im GOOD AT MY JOB. I LIKE MY FIELD. i just ALSO happen to be v emotional and silly #these are not mutually exclusive ok #the duality of fran

[sag-dab-sar]

Medical professional: *who has no actual reason to know why I'm using my wheelchair* so why are you using a wheelchair?

Me: Legs don't work well 🫤

Medical professional:

#cpunk #cripple punk #mobility aid #wheelchair #void post #result of talking to a friend #about how i get upset when medical professionals who DO NOT NEED TO KNOW #ask me why im in my wheelchair #and i feel obligated to answer because well they are medical professionals #and she called them stupid because ''are they stupid maybe it's because walking can be an issue for you'' #''its like asking me why i wear glasses— well sir because i prefer to see'' #it's actually for legs back overall pain and heart but do they really need to fucking know all that? #and i thought of a better way to answer their dumb question #legs dont work well #not a lie #short simple and probably makes them feel a tad stupid for asking

[rosekasa]

does your body ever do a series of concerning things and you're just like interesting. im gonna pretend that didnt just happen

#that's been my life for the past few months HFHFJFJSK #gonna pretend im not losing hair nor that im getting winded walking up the stairs in my house nor that i cant lie down during the day #without feeling sleepy nor that i could literally take a nap during the day and still feel exhausted at 9pm #nope nope not my business #i do have an appt with a doctor soon though so maybe that's why im not as anxious bc it's like ahdjsk until a professional says something #not my business 🤧 #THIS i can stay calm about but the prospect of not being able to finish a drawing by the time i told myself i would? immediate anxiety #♡alizeh talks♡

[wrestlezon]

aww man... i'll miss the sheer volume of free high res photos he'd upload to his website, but im glad scott lesh is gainfully employed by aew nowadays. get that bread

#talkzon #i wish i had official media access but i dont want to send an email about it 😭 cmon man. who am i. dont look at me #also i dont have the time or energy to pretend to be press. or lie about having professional interests. im a bad liar and also a hobbyist #desperately need twitter to not die so the aew photographers can continue uploading foolishly hi-res photos there. please

[shadowdancers]

Doing a cursory google search on Wuthering Heights and seeing it thoroughly misinterpreted in articles, reviews and comments has convinced me that society’s collective media literacy is in the shitter. It could not get lower.

How unbelievably dumb do you have to be to read that book as an adult and come to the conclusion that we are supposed to like Heathcliff? And then proceed to blame your fundamental lack of reading comprehension on Emily Bronte??? Heathcliff’s odiousness is one of the constant facts that the novel intentionally establishes from the very first chapter. If you overlook that, then all the other themes are going to fly over your head as well.

And then of course there’s the misogynists in major publications dismissing Emily Bronte as a stupid horny girl who was too female to see how horrible Heathcliff really was, and fans of the book as too female to know what real literature is.

It’s not a fucking romance novel - it’s a tragedy about racism and classism, the cycle of abuse and intergenerational trauma. If grown adults don’t understand a novel’s themes, even when they’re made obvious, then I don’t know what to say. It’s hopeless.

#i had a nonexistent education that i've been trying to compensate for my entire adult lie #*adult life #and even im not that goddamned stupid #how is it that educated journalists and professional reviewers are this ignorant #thoughts

[crypt1dcorv1dae]

Apollo with thick eyebrows and freckles and body hair is my truth. He's a small tank also. Wide. He works out bc 1: he does not want to ever be called a twink and 2: it helps with stress and God knows he is STRESSED. Oh also he's trans. Also when his hair is un-gelled it looks almost exactly like trucy's, his lil bunny ears curl around his face all cute and he hates it which is why he gels it back so aggressively

#apollo justice #hes my ideal transition goals ngl #like the image of him in my head is like yes. yes this is what i want to be someday. #he has inspired me to finally talk to my dr about being trans and wanting to seek transition #im goig to be really really clear abouty dysphoria being one of the biggest sources of anxiety and depression for me #and it making me feel so bad i dont even want to leave the house sometimes bc i dont pass well usually #bc you never want to undersell your dysphoria to a doctor or therapist. if anything you should oversell it to ensure you can get care #like you dont have to say you want to die or anything bc thats always risky to tell any medical professional but like. #but always tell them it makes you hate yourself even if its not true #if you need to lie about what exactly your gender identity is to get the type of care you need too then fucking do it #doctors will not give a nonbinary person HRT 90% of the time sometimes u need to fib a little about your gender to get what u need!!!!

[fatal-blow]

every time i talk about this stuff I'm reeling with the sheer amount of knowledge and how to convey it to the average layperson

but really if i could sum up everything I've learned about muscles, myofascial pain, and hypermobile, it's this:

start practicing how to do things with the least amount of muscles as possible.

#efficiency is key #the other thing i would say to sum it up is that yours pain is from a million causes that are all the same cause. #like listen. i used to not be able to stand without being in agony. now i just stand around sometimes. #no offense to the professionals (lie) but i know more than they do #i might just be the best physiotherapist you'll ever meet and i am not saying that because i am overconfident #im saying that because even the rheumatoid physiotherapy specialists couldn't keep up #shout out to chelsea tho she's been by far the closest #and also has gotten me hundreds of dollars of mobility aids for free uwuuwu #fatals physio corner #new tag because i guess im not shutting up about this #ill go back and tag the other shit

[lord-shitbox]

I HATE BEING MENTALLY ILL up at 2am because i want to finish this damn application and be done with it but i really truly absolutely do not know what to say here. the idea that i could be influenced by or involved with other people is so fundamentally adverse to my brain i Cant think of ways other people have affected me MAN I DONT REMEMBER

#shitboxposting #cant write about fictional characters it feels too abnormal for a professional application plus i will not fucking lie to save my life #i cant even write about people whove hurt me in the past because i remember like 1 specific thing and nothing else #uhh fuck it man ill write about my mom and it wont be with admiration i dont give a fuck anymore its 2am #aaaand ive remembered why i dont get along with my mom. this sucks im not well-fed enough to deal with this #3am update finished and submitted it. ended up being prouder of my response to this more than any of the other questions but whatev #4am update eating my microwave rice dinner. my dog has gotten up to pester me to get in bed

[trannakinskywalker]

.

#s.a. mention incoming-> #I'm realising ng more and more i need to maybe get professional help im just being a pussy about it #last time i tried the therapist (who was from israel but i didn't know wjen i booked her) immediately victim blamed me #for my own assault when i was crying telling her what happened #literally the only person i had told at that point even though it was a year and a hakf later #it was so vile how are you gonna ask someone what THEY did to make that situation happen #ig it gave me trust issues with therapists bcs i havent tries ti find one again but atp #i need to talk with someone i feel lik i am nearing a breaking point as certsin habits and patterns are accumulating #i can recognise this migt lead somewhere bad tje pattenrs never lie! #this is such a pointless rant and i am mad bevause i was doing so well #the last thing i need to be cruel to myself #i need to find someone that isnt just going to say oh wow youre so self aware ok that'll be $150 #like bro i am slipping

[chelseajackarmy]

Eddie Guerrero

#eddie guerrero #wwe #wwf #professional wrestling #wrasslin #viva la raza #lie cheat and steal #im your papi #mexico #lucha libre #mexican wrestler #Mexican wrestling #spanish #american sports #sports entertainment #world wrestling #ecw #wcw #attitude era #ruthless aggression #world champion #rip

[skunkes]

Sorry if this has been asked before, but what are your main inspirations?

Plus what lead to you to say that art was the way that you would go to in your life and how you builded your blog?

Thanks in advance, have a great day :]

i dont have any specific inspirations! i hop around new artists i find and am inspired by them as i find them but not usually in any permanent, consistent, visible way

if im interpreting the second question correctly, i have no idea lol. its less that i chose art and more like I didn't and dont care abt anything else. even including art bc i would not want an art job in art industry

ive been on tumblr for over 10 yrs ^_^ wld occasionally lure ppl in with fanart back when i was able to/cared about fandom, before just drawing whatever i wanted.

#skunk mail #Anonymous #i dont actually have a viable or significant amt of followers on here and i make none of my money on here #thats a lie im pretty sure 95% of my digital sketchbook sales are from here #but thats bc i post a lot of that here #but i make 98% of my money on twitter as i very rarely get comms on here #i have more followers there too #i dont mind as much though im ok with twitter being more professional #wld not want a huge audience here bc well im annoying and love to overshare

[puppetlooselystrung]

-

#'sont trust your feelings after 4 pm!' yeah yeah yeah but its nearly 5 am and i just learned i might be failing yet another class #and im starting to feel the wish to drop out of university #text everyone either im sorry i stopped talking to them but i love them if i ended up going mia for them #or texting my newer friends im sorry i didnt know them for long and i wish i knew them longer and that i love them too #walk into the woods. and well. you know. i dont have to go into detail. #and now im crying <3 #my living situation is going to be so unbearable because no explanation incan give will be acceptable #o just didnt try haed enkugh. k never do #im just gonna fucking continue to lie to every mental health professional. #also id say im calling it a night but im specifically purposefully staying up for the rest of the night as punishment #i dont get to sleeeep #i do not care if i have to work or drive tomorrow :) #i dont even think i can make it to the end of the month at this point #sorry folks

[milkweedman]

Getting to experience what life would be like if my muscles WEREN'T holding my joints and entire body together by having to get up right after my muscle relaxants rly kicked in and discovering, uh, that my normal uncoordinated flailing leads to pretty much every joint just moving in and out of place freely and there is literally nothing stopping my shoulders from coming out due to the weight of my arms and stuff like that. 😐🤕. Uh. I dont like it.

#im the kinda person who cant enjoy massages bc. well 1 i hate being touched by almost everyone. but 2 my muscles are so tense all the time #from holding my body together and also probably from the ptsd not gonna lie #so like it just hurts very badly. and any time a medical professional touches my shoulders or back theyre like Uh Dude. What The Hell #on the other hand i have also been described as freakishly strong bc holding your muscles tense all the time (even subconciously) tones em #pretty well. on the other other hand when i use this strength there are usually Problems. of the Everything Is Dislocated variety #so fun. EDS is. so very fun. #chronic illness #at least i have tomorrow off. thank god. and now i will attempt to fall back asleep :)