#im begging you all we need to come to a decision this disorder is making me anxious | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kkusuka · 3 years

Note

omg can you do pt.2 for “little toxic things </3” where the reader gets tired of there actions and tries to break up with them?? or something along the lines where they simply just ignore them. thank you!!! whenever you can!! <33

pt.1 <3

TW: atsumu’s talks about having an eating disorder for a bit, it also talks about growing out of an eating disorder!!!!

a similar asks : Can you make part 2, where they regret it and s/o and dead or like something really angsty? Btw. I really like your writing style.

I love your writing and I hope you are doing well! No rush or pressure or anything whatsoever, but maybe a pt. 2 to the toxic hc (the one with sakusa, suna, oikawa and atsumu) where the reader breaks up with them or something and how they react. Honestly it’s up to you what the ending is but I just wonder how they would react lol. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

i know this was supposed to be headcannons but something came over me and i just wrote mini fics for it.

oikawa

why did this get kinda long?

sometimes time gets away from him. the moment he woke up he knew how important this day was, and as much as he liked to pretend he wasn’t, he knew he was on very thin ice with you. he was going to make it better. hw had the perfect plan, al he had to do was get through practice on time and he’d be set! but, sometimes time gets away from him, and he’s too busy to check his phone when his serve is getting shaky.

you believed him when he said he’d be there, but deep down you somehow knew that it was going to be like every other time. after thirty minutes you gave him a call, people started to look at you. at one hour you ordered the most expensive bottle of wine, and shot him more than a few texts. at two hours you ordered food and gave up on trying to contact him, the point was lost. when you finished your meal at 2 1/2 hours you came to the conclusion he wasn’t coming and he had failed to prove that he could keep a promise.

it was 9:45 when he finally checked his phone. teo hours and thirty minutes after he was supposed to meet you at the restaurant. he wasted no time, not even for a shower, and made it to the restaurant in record time. as he was walking in you were walking out.

“y/n please listn! i’m-”

“i’m over it Tooru, i love you, i really do but i can’t keep going through this. i’ll be cheering for you even if you can’t see me.”

“please, please we-we can fix this-”

“there’s nothing to fix, i’ll get my stuff and be out by tomorrow.”

everything was numb now, when had you become so important to him? you were his entire life and he took complete advantage of all that you did for him. he was so blinded by his ambition that he had forgotten about the person who helped him get where he was. and deep in his heart he knew that there wouldn’t be anyone else, and some how he was going to get you back. hopefully you still loved him enough to et him try.

sakusa

it was simple, he no longer had feelings for you. and he’d rather not go through the hassle of sitting down and talking it through with you. if you loved home so much than you would understand that he had to leave. but now as he sits in his half empty apartment that the two of you once shared, he isn’t to sure he made the right decision.

he sees you everywhere now, it drives him insane. when he walks around the grocery store he sees the snacks you would always beg him to buy. or when he was getting a new cologne and the first smell that hit him was the perfume you would always wear. and on the plane back to Tokyo that only thing that calmed him was the photo of the two of you that he just happens to “forget” to take out of his wallet.

maybe he should call you, and hopefully you would give him a chance to make it right.

atsumu

103 lb. that wasn’t good enough, the girl on the poster that Suna gave Atsumu for his birthday was 98 lb. why wasn’t it working? you worked out everyday, ate 400 calories at best, what was going so wrong? Atsumu didn’t seem to even notice what you were doing and that hurt just a bit more than an aching stomach. what he did notice was the way your hair matted down and got thinner. and the way your skin lost it’s glow. and how the bags under your eyes never seemed to go away.

and he didn't spare you these observations, or how all he girls you saw at that mall didn’t look like that.

after five month you were diagnosed with an eating disorder, and that was the final straw to your relationship. it was like the skies had parted and you had truly seen what was going on. two hours later you had your best friend pack all of your stuff and you left the apartment. you could no longer kill yourself for this relationship, if atsumu wanted all the the girls in the Ads, than he can have them.

9 months and two relapses later you were finally free form the plague Atsumu had induced on you. you had gotten rid of anything that reminded you of the boy. you went as far as getting a new phone number. you had finally found peace with yourself and your body and no one was going to take that away from you. but clearly getting rid of photo’s of the man wont get rid of the real one. and you’re faced with the harsh reality when you run into him at an engagement party.

he had a year and a half you realize what he had done. and he had, Atsumu was disgusted with how he acted, but never tried to contact you. he knew you didn't want to talk to him and i would just make it worse if he tried. he never truly realized what his words had done to you.

“y/n-”

“i’m sorry Miya, i-i can’t talk right now”

he understood, he did. but that didn't make it hurt any less. watching you walk out of his life for the second time hurt even more than the first. at east he didn't see you leave the first time. maybe one day you wont hate him enough so he can tell you how sorry he was.

suna

two weeks of complete silence was the last straw of your already rocky relationship with the middle blocker. sending him one more useless text you decided you had, had enough. you weren’t going to fight for this relationship if wasn't going to meet you in the middle. it took you about 30 minutes to get all of the clothes that you had borrowed from him, and put them in a bag. it took you another ten minutes to make it to his house. and one minute to get to his door.

when he opened the door to you, he isn’t going to lie he was annoyed and didn't want to see you. wasn’t the unanswered messages enough? couldn’t you take a hint.

“y/n im not in the mood-”

“you don’t need to be in the mood, here’s your shit. you can go ignore someone else for two weeks.

in some sick way suna missed all of your messages, he knew he had no right to be thinking of them. but its 3:26 am and al he can think about is you. some of the sweatshirts still smelled like you but by now the perfume had dissipated. no matter how many photos of you he had, they didn't do how beautiful you were justice. if he was just a bit less prideful he would be at your door, sleep forgotten, and beg for you back. but for no he’ll just have to deal with the void of emotions lingering in his chest.

490 notes · View notes

timeoutforthee · 5 years

Text

Like it or Not-Chapter 26

Taglist: @itsausernamenotafobsong, @sea-blue-child, @iaminmultiplefandoms, @princeanxious, @uwillbeefoundtonight, @zaidiashipper, @arandompasserby, @levyredfox3, @falsett0, @error-i-dunno-what-went-wrong, @scrapbookofsketches, @podcastsandcoffee, @helloisthisusernametaken, @amuthefunperson, @michealawithana, @yamihatarou, @heck-im-lost, @unlikelynightmareconnoisseur, @idkaurl, @bubblycricket, @fnp-alizay, @neonbluetiefling, @comicsimpson, @a-little-bit-of-ace, @warrior-olive

Summary: Logan, Patton, Roman, and Virgil are all struggling in their recovery. Their doctors, Thomas Sanders and Emile Picani think they can help each other out.

Aka Group Therapy AU

Trigger Warnings: disordered eating habits, death mentioned, parents not understanding mental health, general ignorance, parents fighting

Read it on AO3!

Logan is numb the next day.

He floats through, unsure if he’s looking forward to lunch or dreading it. He wants one of the others to have an idea, to come up with something that makes it not real, but he’s gone over and over it and he can’t think of any thing to do.

Logan has never felt this helpless.

“What’s wrong?” Virgil asks, as soon as Logan sits in his seat.

“I’ll tell you at lunch.”

The fact he doesn’t deny it makes Virgil frown. But soon class is starting and he can’t say anything else.

Logan’s dad pulls up to Foster’s Center for Mental and Behavioral Health. His wife had asked him this morning if he would reconsider what he said to Logan, but he had already made his decision.

He parked in the front, and walked through the doors.

“Hello!” the secretary called out to him. “Who are you here to see?”

He snorted. As if he would ever need to see one of these “doctors.”

“I’m not here to see anyone. I’m here to pull my son out of your so-called services,” he says.

“Oh,” she says, slowly. “Is there a problem?”

“Yeah, my problem is that this doctor has been misdiagnosing my son, and now he thinks he has an eating disorder. I don’t want him seeing the doctor anymore.”

“...does your son have an eating disorder?”

“Boys don’t get eating disorders.”

“Uh-huh,” the secretary says. “Who is this doctor?”

“I think it’s Snyder or something.”

“Sanders?” she says, raising an eyebrow. “I’ll tell you what, I’m going to call back and see if Dr. Sanders is in a session right now. If not, you can talk to him.”

Kurt crosses his arms. It’d be simpler to just pull him out, but he wants to meet this man, see what he really has to say. “Please do.”

The secretary picks up the phone and dials an extension. “What’s your son’s name?”

“Logan Crofter.”

Dr. Sanders must pick up, because she has a quick conversation, and soon Kurt is walking down the hallway. When he comes to the room number she gave him, the door is closed, so he knocks.

“Come in!” a voice calls from inside.

Kurt opens the door and walks into an office. It’s respectable, save for the small cartoon figure sitting on top of some book. There are paintings in frames on the wall and a bright green plant in the corner. In the middle against the back wall is a couch that looks very comfortable, like you could sink into it.

“Dr. Sander?” Kurt asks.

“Sanders,” Thomas corrects, offering him a warm smile as he stands up and offers his hand. Kurt takes it and shakes it. “Please, have a seat.”

“I don’t intend to take up much of your time,” Kurt tells him, sitting on the couch. It’s even more comfortable than it looks. “I just wanted to let you know that Logan won’t be attending your sessions anymore.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Thomas says, “May I ask why?”

That makes Kurt pause. He can’t very well tell a doctor that he doesn’t agree with their practice, can he? Even if he couldn’t see the point, he could see the therapist’s degree hanging right there on the wall.

“I just don’t think it’s benefitting Logan,” he says. There. Not exactly a lie.

“Really?” Thomas asks, “If that’s the case I can see about switching him to a different therapist. I know he’s already worked a bit with my colleague Emile, through the eating disorder support group-”

Kurt snorts. He can’t help it.

“I must say, Mr. Crofter, I fail to see what’s so funny.”

“It’s just...you can’t be serious.”

“Serious about what?”

“About the eating disorder thing. Logan can’t possibly have one, he’s a guy,” Kurt says.

Thomas purses his lips. Ah. So there was the problem.

“Mr. Crofter, your son has a very serious and severe case of anorexia. Neurodivergency doesn’t discriminate. It’s very possible, as evidenced by your son and others, to get an eating disorder when you identify as a male.”

“Logan is fine,” Kurt says, “He eats lunch, he eats dinner, he’s a normal kid.”

“And tell me, did he eat lunch and dinner before group started?”

“Of course he did!” Though now that he thinks about it, Kurt isn’t so sure. Dr. Sanders must sense something, because he raises his eyebrows. “So, he missed a meal or two. It’s fine. Logan is fine.”

“I know accepting that your child needs help is hard,” Thomas says, “But I think pulling Logan out of therapy completely could be very harmful for him.”

“Harmful? Harmful how?”

“Well, as I said, he has anorexia. Anorexia nervosa is one of the deadliest mental illnesses you can have.”

“It is?”

“Yes,” Thomas leans over and opens the bottom drawer of his desk. He flips through a few papers before pulling out a pamphlet on anorexia. He holds it out, and Kurt takes it hesitantly.

“You’re saying if I take Logan out of your care...he could die…?”

“I’m saying if Logan doesn’t get help recovering, he could die.”

“But this isn’t real!” Kurt says in frustration, “This so-called science, this mental health nonsense, it’s never been around before and everyone’s been fine.”

“No, you’ve been fine. So you assume everyone else is, too. But since this ‘nonsense’ has been around, suicide rates have been dropping. And may I remind you that Logan was sent to me because he had anorexia? I’m not the one who diagnosed him, his primary care doctor did.”

“He did?” Why didn’t he tell Kurt that?

“Yes. I don’t mean to be rude here, Mr. Crofter, but I think you need to be a little more involved in the recovery process to fully understand it.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because your son deserves support.”

“Support? I support him just fine!”

“I have no doubt that you love your son,” Thomas assures him, and Kurt relaxes at that, “And that you try to support him in the best way you can. But you just need to learn a little more to help him in the best way.”

Kurt frowns, looking down at the pamphlet in his hands. He really did come in here with the intent to pull his son from the services, but he didn’t exactly feel like gambling with his son’s life.

“Have you considered coming in to join a session?”

“Why? I have no issues.”

“Just to experience what it’s like,” Thomas says, “And to see what helps your son.”

“I’ll consider it,” Kurt says, simply.

“That’s all I can ask,” Thomas smiles, “Now are you still interested in switching therapists?”

“No,” Kurt hesitantly approves of this man. He feels like he could trust him with Logan. “But if this mental health stuff gets too crazy, I am going to pull him out!”

“Understood,” Thomas is going to have to work on that.

“Did you talk to him?” Logan asks as soon as he walks through the door at home.

“Hello to you too,” Madelyn says.

“Mom.”

“I tried to talk to him, but he didn’t listen. His mind is made up, Logan.”

Logan takes a few deep breaths, trying not to work himself into a panic. That’s fine. He can make this work. Both Patton and Virgil said their guardians would be willing to pick him up, so he could make an argument based on that. Maybe his dad would be willing to listen if he didn’t have to do any work.

But the money, a voice reminded him.

Logan felt sick. He never exactly had a conversation with his parents about how much therapy was costing them, if they had any coverage with insurance or anything along those lines.

“Where is dad?” Logan asked, absent-mindedly.

“He drove up to Foster’s to pull you out at lunch,” Madelyn says, “He hasn’t come home.”

That gets Logan’s attention. “What?”

“I said-”

“I heard what you said!” Logan snaps, before taking another deep breath, “I thought we could talk about this, have you tried calling him?”

“No, I didn’t want to bother him,” Madelyn shrugs. “I told you Logan, his mind is made up. There’s nothing you can do.”

Tears spring to Logan’s eyes, and he immediately shoves the heel of his hand against them.

“It’s fine, Logan,” his mom says, “You will be fine. This is not that big of a deal.”

Yes it is! Logan wants to scream. I don’t know how to recover on my own! Maybe if he talked to his Psychology teacher, he could get more resources, and at lunch if the guys could review what they talked about during group-

Just then the doorknob turned and his dad walked in. Logan whipped his head around, wanting to yell, wanting to demand if he knew what he just did to him, wanting to beg him to go back, please-

“How’d it go, dear?” his mom asks, going over to her husband and kissing his cheek.

“I met your therapist,” Kurt says to Logan, absent-mindedly.

“Really? Why?”

Kurt doesn’t answer, instead he says, “I changed my mind.”

Logan freezes. He couldn’t have heard that right, he doesn’t want to get his hopes up.

“What?”

“I changed my mind. I didn’t pull you out. You can keep seeing Dr. Sanders.”

Logan is moving before he can control himself. He walks up and hugs his dad, feeling like he could breathe for the first time in 24 hours.

It takes Kurt a while, but eventually he hugs his son back, trying not to think about how close he was to hurting Logan.

It’s in the middle of their hug when Logan realizes he can never trust his parents again.

#like it or not #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic

15 notes · View notes

spoilersfm · 5 years

Photo

* 𝗽𝘂𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝙙𝙞𝙚 𝗶𝗻 𝗿𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗼𝗿 𝗱𝗶𝗲 : violence incited on his buddy boys at a denny’s parking lot? he's On His Way! from his lil cousin's bat mitzvah with a borrowed sword right now. sound equipment bought on sweet ass deals, babey! a bike only used to make a point. that one vine that got you in detention for playing loud on accident in class. a ride at a pier taken one too many times in a row; bleary-eyed and reminiscing of a better time where he didn't straight up moan after that first bong hit. the shocker of an earburn through a movie marathon that you can't say shit to because he's hosting. "let's start a podcast." "i will find your parents." the mole you thought was cancer when you were twelve. . ／ 𝗝𝗢𝗘𝗟 𝗠𝗜𝗧𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗟𝗟 𝗩𝗔𝗡 𝗗𝗬𝗡𝗘. 𝗘𝗦𝗧. 𝟭𝟵𝟵𝟴

named joel mitchell van dyne. his parents think they’re on some riverdale shite and named his older brother jason and their two dogs jack and jellybean. their names? robert and goddamn barbara van dyne. goes by joel mainly bc fuck else is coming out of that. jole the eternal gag and the one that will get your feelings hurt, mole.

born in jersey city, new jersey. once a minor threat like every other child in the community until he managed to slap on a ankle bracelet and be on house arrest for his fuckshit at sixteen / a feral youth. a juvenile idiot tracking down cars to vandalize right in front of god and everyone because the owner tried to ban him and his brother from a theater in a town nearby. aged twenty one, turns twenty-two in rex manning day april 8. id’s as a cismale with absolutely no rights! bisexual with no preferences / every hole could be a goal. romantically there but it’s usually these random bouts of fuck mode that cease into a solid period of i don’t exist to anyone, not even to myself but we’ll run mallrats about it in the bg of a dark room, stoned and sometimes crying just to cry, in two-days old cum-crusted boxers or stark nude with our hair tied up looking like gollum with a sick bush editing vid essays for cash but it’s fine, he’s fine. studies film at lockwood and is on his way into his third year. wasn’t really his first choice because college wasn’t but he was persuaded - doesn’t regret that shit! resides in peregrines for the sexy wifi situation and later the general comm of it. community crew member / freelance editor for youtubers and local filmmakers. u want ur shite edited or need the hookups around town, he’s there, garbage-humored and broke pay him.

has somewhat of an unknown legacy online that summarizes his presence / made a viral vine that’s basically a 7-secs porn clip but had an audio of guns getting cocked and gunshots over the oh-so-musical sounds of skin and balls slapping and the eventual facial - no one knows he did it and he wasn’t high at the time but that post nut clarity sure was a #moment. "talent" he very clearly misuses. trust issues but don’t we all. a knack for not shutting the fuck up throughout films and it worked for once / what started as ridiculous themed movie marathon parties hosted at the van dyne’s basement two years ago turned into a movie commentary channel on yt named van dyne and friends* ( wc ) ━ think pretty much it type content but less quality; all jokey, lighthearted but passionate hate watches, regular guests of close friends who either love or hate certain movies, genres, etc. hosted by joel and his brother and it’s a fully a hobby he refuses to stress over but managed to have it be a source of income thank god; primary to his freelancing. no actual reason as to why he picked tatiana - his personal onion on her doesn’t count even if it did influence the last decision so it does nvm - a dear friend of his ( wc oh wow look we’ve learned ) got screwed somehow and he was like oh word? say no more baby bitch. a mishandled anxiety disorder if you couldn’t tell by now / been a problem he refused to acknowledge and then he was introduced to oui’d at fifteen ish and that worked until he realized how much he used it to regulate his day to the point where he couldn’t eat at all without getting zooted so it’s less of that now. a liking for the horrific, the horny and the artistically crackheaded and you’d be distraught as to what he personally categorizes as any of each. a jersey accent he couldn’t mask if he tried. a twitter account he barely uses other than to get recs for comm tracks and tweet dumb shit to delete an hour later for the fun of it but he’s fairly active on instagram.

𝗪𝗛𝗘𝗪.

is this chaos? u tell me. is everything actually written? of course not but it only took me a few days and my remaining four brain cells holding on for dear life and begging me to go the f*ck to sleep to get it out there + there’s always time 2 flesh out shite on the side! wcs are still a process for me to list down but i do have a bunch in mind / would love to bounce a few ideas back at ur muses to see what works ! like this post or hmu in the ims or hmu on disco @ clowncore claudia#5377 where i truly shine as a mess xx

#* ━ ━ INTRO : JERSEY CITY STABBING VICTIM SPOILS ENDGAME AT A NIGHT CLUB.#water:intro #tw anxiety #tw disordered eating #is it the bfcu ( bar fight cinematic universe ) ? i wish. drunk dipshits assemble cept he's sober doin this bullshit #ive been up for 24 hrs and for what...#theme coming tmrw since tumblr wants 2 be itself or soon lemme see but ya!

8 notes · View notes

solitudeinme · 4 years

Text

I know you will read this one day.

I can’t even describe the feeling you are causing me to feel. Sometimes you are the moon and the stars. Sometimes you are the devil himself. And now, that I’m spending more and more time alone, I’m starting to become the strong woman I always aspired to be. Don't get me wrong, I was always extremely strong. But I never wanted to be strong for hate. For carelessness. For unfaithfulness. The fact that I bare these, does not make me strong, it makes me weak to the bottom. Because you let these to happen, and here I am struggling with the consequences. This is not what I deserve. This is not what I meant when I said ‘ride or die’. This is abuse. And I’m letting it.

Many asked me: why do you stay? And I never know the answer. I always want to answer immediately, like I knew what I was gonna say, but in the end, nothing comes out of my mouth. My brain is telling me to stop. This is so much more than I can carry emotionally. But at the same time, I’m programmed to turn to you and always put you in the highest priority possible, because I love you. And you know what hurts the most? I know you don't. And I know how mad it makes you when I say that. But this is not love.

I would do absolutely anything and everything for you in this world. There is nothing I can't solve when it comes to you. There is no impossible. If I had to travel across the world to see you, I would do it in less than a heartbeat. But you? I have to beg- no. I have to literally crawl on my knees for you to do anything for me. And even then, you don't do it. Even when I’m humiliating myself so much, you still look me in the eye and tell me I am the one person you hate the most. And I never ever thought that once in my short lifetime I will have to beg for somebody’s love and attention.

This is where I think you were right. We do differ — a lot. But now how you think we do. We differ, because there is nothing I wouldn't commit for you, and you still don't acknowledge it. We differ, because no matter how angry I am, I still love you and care about you, but you abuse me. We differ, because I’m accepting your flaws, you throw them into my face. We differ, because I love you, and you don't love me.

And yes, we can bury ourselves into mental disorders. Yes, I even took the liberty to read 3 complete books about your borderline disorder, just to understand you more. But nobody is talking about the pure hate you express towards me. And I wish I had the damn strength to just walk away from you, but that’s the one thing I’m unable to do. I can’t leave you, not because I feel bad about you, or because I know you’re sick, but because I simply do not feel whole without you. And now I know that I fell in love with your potential, and not the person you are at this moment. But I also fell in love with somebody, who could leave everything behind just to travel 300kms and be with me. Now this same person wouldn’t even lift a finger for me. And I’m just tired.

I just wanted love. Ever since I was a little girl. I never wanted perfect, I wanted it to be mine. A person, just for me. Who has eyes just for me. And after all these women and the pictures, my heart shattered so much. Mostly because this is not the result of your disorder, this is your doing, and you’re doing it intentionally, you even tell it to me that you like how they look like, and then you are surprised that I’m hurt. I am obviously beyond hurt. You don’t understand how is it like to love someone, who then cheats on you. Who constantly makes you feel like you’re not enough. Nothing I ever did to you compares to this feeling. And I would never consciously put you through it. Also, yes, it is cheating. It is initiating, it is looking at other women while you have someone who you’re texting “I love you” on daily basis. This is very, very disgusting and most of all disrespectful towards me.

I will never understand why you just wouldn’t say: I am bored of you, this is what I want now. I would at least have a reason, and wouldn’t ask myself “what am I doing wrong” ever again. People fall out of love, that is fine. Belittling another woman by grabbing her by her biggest insecurities and bringing her down, is not fine. And I feel ashamed that I have to even mention this. But maybe I’m just a toy to you after all. You can do anything you want with me, and you’re doing it. And I should be the one to yell stop, but I get numb when I’m in front of you. Simply because I can feel the connection between us, and it makes it so hard to leave you. So I feel like this is the most I will get from this. A soulmate, who makes me miserable. Someone who is terrible, but I will never be able to leave him. Someone, who, at any point in this life, can come back to me and I will never say no to him. And I get absolutely nothing in return. No genuine, true feelings. Just ambivalence. Disrespect. Hate. Anger.

I consider myself and old soul. I know I feel deeply, strongly, and loyally. I know what kind of love I give, and it is very rare. I thought nobody could affect the amount I can give, but you did. You damaged the supplies, to the point where there is almost nothing left of it. I can no longer enjoy life. I can no longer trust and laugh like I did before. I’m just a shadow in my own body, and it would take a miracle to heal. And that miracle would be you, healthy. But maybe I will never experience that. Maybe I really am not the woman you want by your side. Maybe you will find peace next to someone else. I wish you that, you deserve safety. But as for myself, it will take a lifetime to recover. and the main reason for this is I imagined my whole life ahead with you.

But maybe, for once, I was wrong. Maybe I love you, that’s why I need to let you go. This is either the biggest mistake or the best decision in my life. Will we be The Notebook? Do we want to be? It depends.

And it depends on you.

#xcerpt

0 notes

cylovesrain · 7 years

Text

Memories come and go, but they never fade.

Tonight reminded me of how i should never expect overly too much from others. You are right, and i am wrong. I'm wrong because i expected what i shouldn't have. I am upset because i care about you. But i'm not really upset mainly because of you, or because of whatever. I'm upset because it reminds me of everything i did in the past, to make me the person i am today. I'm upset because life is ironic sometimes. Ever since i was a kid, i've been blessed with a loving family. But i also had to deal with seeing others suffer from a young age. My own brother, sick, others, with mental health problems and various disorders. I was exposed to seeing this side of life in others ever since young. This bitter side, that i cannot forget. I remember going overseas to treat my brother's illness, fighting with others in the playground to protect him. I saw others suffering from a young age. That made me emphathetic towards others, but bitter as well. I didn't understand why i couldn't have a normal childhood. I wasn't allowed to sniff around my brother or even chew loudly because it would set his tourette syndrome's tics off. I kept my feelings to myself since young. I was bullied for 6 years in primary school and never told my parents or anyone. I dared not because i think deep down i felt they had enough to deal with. I wanted to be a good kid, to save them problems. I love my parents, they have been great to me and we share a good relationship. But all these things that happened made me reserved and shy. I developed the habit of keeping to myself. Just to specify, i was NEVER born this way. I was actually a active and happy kid. But i learnt to keep to myself. I didn't want to trouble those i loved with any of my problems. Till this day, i still feel this way. Because of this, i started seeking love elsewhere. I looked for love in the wrong places, at the wrong age, at the wrong time. This was probably the most damaging to me in the long run. Initially, things were alright. I got hurt and would move on. But one relationship really struck me real bad. In that one relationship, I experienced what it was like to give all you can and not receive what you hope for deep down inside. It was toxic. I fell into depression because of it. We broke up 3 times and EACH time i begged to get back together because i "loved him". He made me feel like i had no dignity, no self. I was even stupidly willing to deny my own God, my religion for some guy who would never love me the way i wanted. Now i see that it was the wrong choice, wrong time. Nevertheless, it hurt. That was the relationship which killed almost all my trust in relationships. I got so depressed i tried to overdose on medication. A stupid decision, because I ended up in hospital and I insisted on leaving the hospital early because he couldn't visit me in the hospital. I couldn't walk for a week afterwards because of the overdose. I was giddy, sick and disoriented. I was not normal, basically. Eventually the relationship ended, and I ended back in hospital one more time. This time i was forced to stay in one in case i went to kill myself. Reflecting upon it, how much i hurt my family, who were with me through it all, must have been horrible. I know it sounds dramatic, but that's what i was. I just didn't know how to handle my emotions in the right way. In my defense, i was also emotionally manipulated, but i could have left the relationship earlier. While in the hospital, I cried till my eyes had scars on them. My friend even thought i put mascara, that's how shitty i looked. Knowing that i was in hospital, he never came to see me, not even once. I remember how painful it was. I was given stupid antidepressants everyday and till today I STILL CANT change my medicine habits of taking meds for small things (and its also how my IBS stomach issues started) After getting out of the hospital, i went through a time where i would date just about anyone because i was so damn desperate to forget my pain. I ended up with someone who i later realised i never even loved. I thought that being close with some one in certain ways would mean i would receive love. But later i realized this was not true. Then one day, i met my current boyfriend and the person i love. He helped me out of my depression. He was the one to give me my confidence where i had lost all of it. He did not become my confidence, but he showed me that i had many good points and was worthy of love, unlike what my previous boyfriend had showed me. He accepted my past, my hurt and the fact that i might not be able to love like i used to again. I will always be grateful and love him for that, for being there for me always during my toughest times. Our relationship has had ups and downs, but i know we love one another, no one is faultless and we both try our best to love as best as we can. Anyway back to the topic, so my bad experiences with people generally made me really wary and closed up to myself. It scares me to open up to others, because of the fear that things will turn out bad. I don't initiate friendships, for fear of being rejected. (also partly cause i got overly high expectations of people which i know is bad cause i got alot of issues myself, i am well aware) Therefore I'm generally a lonely person, i keep my issues to myself and don't open up to people just anyhow, because I can't. Unfortunately, this means when i do have the chance to have a few friendships, i put in more effort and care more (in some cases get confused and care more than i should i suppose?) Which you are right, is probably a bad thing became im too emotionally involved. Even in my current relationship, fully being vulnerable is a great challenge to me. I feel like i always have to be on my guard, for fear of getting hurt. I know it might seem silly, but its just how i feel. So when you asked me if i'll be alright, i will. But i just wanted to write down how i feel and explain why i feel this way. Things may be clear to a lot of people. But everyone is a different person, with different experiences. To be honest, i've already changed a lot these few years. But sometimes i can't help but feel lonely-depending more on a few friendships, and confusing things in process. It hasn't been easy for me these couple years too. I've lost a lot that mattered to me, including my health and it has taken alot to get my life back together (2 years, to be exact). I'm not writing this in hope of pity from anyone, but simply for understanding. Some things aren't so black and white, and cannot be easily determined. I know i was wrong in getting confused and expecting more than I should've, honestly, but i also felt i needed to say why i am this way. ( its definitely not towards all my friends ) so i cannot explain fully why either, but i hope some part of what i said at least explains part of me or why i behave the way i do. I can't explain everything, but i just felt i needed to write down how i feel. These thoughts have been stuck inside my heart for years and honestly either than my bf and two other close friends no one even knows. One of the reasons i've returned to Church is because i've finally realised we can only place our full hope in God, and trust him in all difficulties. I hope that no matter what happens, he will be with me, to guide, comfort, love me. Alright so that's the end of that. Just needed to get this off my chest. I've been holding it in long enough anyway😅 And really, I have no hard feelings towards anyone. It is just a reflection of me and a chance for me to say how i feel and why.

0 notes