#im gonna like. go to her bridal shower and bachelorette party and the wedding and everything obviously but after that. idk i dont have my

[zemnarihah]

i mentioned this on here before but i have a friend who is abt to get married and like i just realized thats probably the death knell for our friendship

#we've been drifting apart for a while and i feel like. i mean maybe i dont reach out to her as often as i should like its not like im #texting her everyday or anything but everytime that group does smth #she seems to have some excuse not to come or to leave early and like it only got worse w the boyfriend and now theyre getting married #and like. they JUST got engaged and the date is set for may 20th #and like i could sit here and kid myself and be like well we can still be friends! but i just know she is going to have no time for me when #shes actually married if she already has so little time for me now #we're not best friends rn obviously but there was a couple years in high school where like. she was the one in our group that i was closest #to like i think we spent some very important years as eachothers first confidant or whatever and we used to like. laugh so hard together #idk #like i think ive laughed the hardest in my life w her yk. and maybe i should have accepted it earlier bc it has been like this for a while #where she just doesnt seem to care to make any time for me but man. this moment its just rlly getting me. #i actually saw her today for the first time since my birthday which was in december. which is what cemented it. i found out abt the date. #i met him. i saw the ring. and then she left early. with him. after not seeing me for months and seeing him every day. idk #i maybe kinda guilted her as she left or like idk just told her i thought she should stay since we havent seen eachother in so long and she #told me oh its ok well hang out soon! its spring break next week we can totally hang out! and i just told her straight up well ok you text #me because im always the one trying. and i think idk maybe its not fair ik at a certain point if ppl dont want to be in your life you cant #force them. but its just like. idk i miss her. like thats it literally i miss her. i feel like a little kid i just want her back i want to #laugh and talk and tell her abt every dumb little thing going on in my life i want her back! what the fuck! #anyway well see if she texts me over spring break. i dont have my hopes up #im gonna like. go to her bridal shower and bachelorette party and the wedding and everything obviously but after that. idk i dont have my #hopes set too high. well i kind of do. like in the back of my head i keep being like maybe! im moving a little closer so maybe! we wont be #as busy over summer break so maybe! im trying to see more of our mutual friends so maybe! #but. i dont think i can keep reaching out it makes me sad every time. i hope she does reach out to me and all i can do is keep a place in m #life open for her if she wants it but. if she doesn't theres nothing i can do #thats what i have to accept. its so hard though. im just really sad like thats it. i miss her and im sad. it really feels like grieving not #to be dramatic like obviously shes not dead but grieving the friend i had. i guess thats a thing. but i um. hate it. #ok. well. #gn now actually i was supposed to go to bed and then i realized that and then i cried and then i had to scream it into the void. idk if #i feel better but. i do feel tired. goodnight #zem diary

[thebisexualdruid]

Being a Bride During Covid19

I want to first state that A: this is my personal experience &

B: this is apart of my "Heartache Monday" so its gonna be depressing asf.

So engagement the most happiest time of a woman's life. Youve done it girl...you found the one and when Charlotte got down on one knee i said no (at first- i thought it was a prank) but then i said

YES!!!!

Charlotte's mom stated that it was a mistake because "i dont know who i am" and well...my mom..when i came home all giddy and glowing she looked at me so confused and said

"Is there something you want me to say??"

My heart sunk.

I thought for once in my life she would be proud.

Growing up i always watched "say yes to the dress" and DREAMED of one day going dress shopping with my mom. Having her see her little girl in a white gown and having my sister dressed in a bridesmaid dress. My heart always fluttered at the thought. Even thinking of the moment just like that makes me teary eyed.

But being a bride...is the most *LONELIEST* feeling..

My mother in law took me to my first dress fitting. She was pregnant and moped the entire time until the end.

The bridal shop was nearly empty and a couple small girls were running around in their flower girl dresses.

And when i was in that white gown looking at myself in the mirror i felt so proud of myself! I closed my eyes and imagined my mom and my sister outside that changing room door. And when i stepped out my mother in law smiled and started tearing up..she told me i was beautiful and for the first time i felt it.

I had never stopped a room before- and when i stepped out those two little girls stopped running im the building and looked at me with awe.

That was the last time i had felt like a movie bride.

When i called my mom and told her my experience she said that i should know she doesnt like driving to the eastside. And when i offered to find a shop closer to her..she would always say how shes fat and looks ugly. So i dropped it..i never got that moment i dreamed of..and its ok ig.

I didnt have a bridal shower. Or an engagement party..or an engagement photoshoot. My family hasnt paid for anything for the wedding and my adoptive father doesn't want to meet Charlotte because shes trans.

Im thankful for the moments as a bride i did have though! I had a bachelorette party and a dress fitting!

My wedding is in 30 days and although this isnt how i imagined being a bride would feel like...i only wish i could do better when my sister one day gets married

I want to make sure she never feels alone or cries herself asleep because she feels unloved.

I want to take her to breakfast and do engagement things! Like cake tasting and finding photographers for her engagement photos...i only fear is that ill be living through her..again.

(And pssst....she h8s my guts)

#dealing with grief #depress #depression #heartache mondays #heart break #covidー19 #covid19 #my post #poets on tumblr #free write #written #my writing #writers #excerpt from a book i'll never write #writers on tumblr

[craftiebanana-blog]

One week till the wedding!!!

There has been soooooo much drama! From the mother of the bride saying we did a shit job on the bridal shower even though she didnt help at all and everyone showed up a half hour early when nothing was done yet (i literally hadnt even had a chance to start decorating yet), to the room we booked for the bachelorette party not actually being available even though they emailed us the night before confirming our room was available, to the mom literally telling the bride "if you dont stop acting like a spoiled brat, im just gonna give you the money and you can jump off a cliff for all i care" (what in the actual fuck????) All because the bride had been pestering her to actually do the things she promised she would do (order the cake, call the venue to see if we could set up the night before, etc). The cake wasnt even ordered until this week!!! And we dodnt get confirmation on setting up until 2 days ago! Its been a shit show.

BUT as of right now, everything is ready except the plates and utensils and cups (mother of the bride was supposed to do that. Go figure)

I have a hair appointment in about 40 minutes. Im super excited. Told the guy i am giving him free rein of my hair as long as i can still do the hair style for the wedding! He was so excited! He is even giving me a free hydration treatment!

I got my shoes for the reception. I really dont wanna be stuck in uncomfortable shoes during the reception so i was given permission to change into converse after the formal pictures and ceremony are finished!

Next friday will be insane. We have a nail appointment early in the morning. Ceremony rehearsal at 1. Rehearsal dinner at 3. Then we have to go to the reception venue to set up and at some point check into the hotel room.

I should post pics of the decorations i made within the last few days cauae they are super cute and im super proud of how they turned out! But right now, i gotta go get dressed and head to my hair appointment!

#wedding #bridesmaid #wedding drama #my life

[rette-x-mich]

5/26

I feel like I may explode into a thousand tiny pieces. I haven't felt this incredibly stressed out and anxious in a very long time. Being an adult sucks. Being a college educated adult stuck in a profession no one gives two flying fucks about sucks. *My car needs all new tires, so does my husbands. (600$ for mine alone) *I've been getting migraines daily and I've come to finally accept that I really need to get new lenses because I'm four years overdue and can barely read road signs anymore. (300$ if i end up finally picking up my new frames I bought two years ago that I couldn't afford paying off. $200 if I just use my worn out frames) *i still owe almost $200 to my grandmother-in-law for paying to get my car fixed. She's so kind and giving and hasn't asked for the rest and probably won't. But she shelled out over 800$ on the spot for me. I feel wrong not paying her back as soon as I can. *i still haven't bought my bridesmaid dress yet. I thought I had extra money this month for it and I don't even know where it went. I haven't ordered out in a while and have been packing my lunches. (200$) *i did order $100 worth of stuff for my face and health (my facewash stopped working and this one has really good reviews. my greens are the only thing that keeps my bowels in check. Sorry tmi) the next day I called to cancel, but it was too late. Still waiting for the shipment to send it back. Probably gonna have to eat like $30 for the shipping. Stupid impulsive buy. *i need new acne medication (40$) *i need new migraine medication ($50) *i still need to see a new gyno (should be free if I just tell her everything during a Pap smear I hope.) * I wanted to start counseling, but at 40$ a pop, I can't. * im supposed to be throwing in money for a bachelorette party, but the MOH says she can't tell me until a couple weeks before how much money because "can't book things this early and it may change if People drop out" okay but am I really responsible for paying more money because someone cancels? * still no news on what I have to give for the bridal shower *feeling like shit that I wanna drop out of my friends wedding because new glasses and less migraines sounds really good and I can't afford that AND a dress. Dress has to be ordered by July. In the mean time, I can't really afford to pick up my migraine medication either. *afraid my friend won't want to be my friend anymore if I drop out *feeling dumb that I can't afford a $200 bridesmaid dress *feeling like shit that i come home stressed out and don't want sex *feeling like shit that sex hurts me and makes me not wanna have sex *stressed out at my job because my case load keeps getting bigger and the in office demands are getting more time limited *frustrated that no job I've applied for has offered an interview even when I follow up *annoyed that jobs for my degree only pay 30k a year *overwhelmed by the thought of going back to school because even a masters degree only makes about 45k. *feeling out of control because I don't know where to go career-wise from here. *frustrated that my husband doesn't understand how stressed I am because he "just doesn't let things bother him" *scared because I'm having more and more anxiety symptoms. I can't talk to new people without my body going totally rigid and then my body shakes. It's really noticeable and I'm pretty sure why I didn't get called back after a job interview a few months back. I've been doing a better job at controlling it but it takes a lot out of me because I have to concentrate really hard on keeping my body relaxed. Also getting annoyed at myself for sweating profusely and not being able to breathe when I go to the store alone. Like. That's not even a big deal. I'm not talking to anyone. Why is my body going into panic mode? I'm just overwhelmed, you know? And I don't know how to handle that...not in a healthy way anyway. I'd like to get drunk tonight because that usually helps. But I can't afford that either and that's super unhealthy and not a good coping mechanism. Self harm isn't an avenue I can go down anymore. Coloring doesn't really help much. Writing doesn't help much. Venting just annoys people.

#help #i'm stressed