#im just thinking in agony about them...

[theriverbeyond]

TLT has so many examples of like. you love someone and they are unable to love you back in the way you want them to. Gideon dies when Harrow wants her to live. Harrow refuses Gideon's sacrifice. Palamedes' lifelong quest to cure Dulcinea ends with her rejection of his proposal and ultimately both of their deaths. all Camilla wanted was to be the perfect cavalier but Palamades blows himself up to ensure that can't happen. all of Augustine and Mercymorn's love couldn't stop Alfred & Cristabel from forcing their ascension. all John wanted was for Alecto to use him, and she just gave him power. tragedies on tragedies on tragedies

#we need alecto news so bad it is getting dire #im just thinking in agony about them... #trb.txt #tlt thoughts #tlt meta #ive made posts like this b4 but mostly abt griddlehark specifically or griddlehark and johnalecto #but it rlly is SO MANY XHARACTERS IN THIS BOOK #SO MANY #the only ones making it out right are abby n magnus. and they fjcking died

[inkskinned]

the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone #yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post. #writeblr #ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person #and on this blog we support workers. #at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going. #when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens #have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists #and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like. #it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases - #at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory. #it was what i had seen. #and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference #we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol' #so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender #and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID. #he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different #i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i saw them in the cookbook pages and Immediately thought of this meme:

#barnaby: this is so nice. just me and my buddy whipping up a tasty treat #wally: *having six simultaneous crises* #anyway. huh? #this was a pain to scribble and i Dont Know Why #i had to redraw barnaby's face literally five times #but im trying to Expand my skillset by attempting more backgrounds #or background adjacent things... Props! #im very proud of the counter & flower vase off to the side! #and uh. Filters! those as well. i wanted to make this look somewhat like its aged... #scribble garnish #welcome home #welcome home puppet show #man. these two. squeezes them #halloween update made me love them all the more #name a better pair of best friendsssss you canttttttt #they are Top Tier and i hope they get torn apart one way or another #you see i live for the drama the pain the agony the devastation #i see my favorites and i want them to Hurt. #anyway thinking about them baking together melts my stony heart #theyre bonding 🥺 #oh man why is that emoji So Fucking Detailed on my laptop. its scaring me. kill it kill it kill it

[thebirdandhersong]

layers of school and family and health issues and future planning and final exam stress aside, do you ever feel like there is a long ongoing scream inside of you that seems to have no end ha haaaa

#the ironic thing i think is that i'm sitting closest to the window rn #and i can see the boy i agonized over for seven months sitting with his girlfriend #very clearly in the reflection because they're sitting behind me :) #and no matter how loudly i play my music i can still hear them laughing together every once in a while! #he told me today that the thing he asked me to edit for him just won him a scholarship and i was like congrats!! #this IS what i've become to you! editor friend who cooks and brings snacks! #and it's like. well you don't NEED me anymore. which is a silly thought because he never did need me in the first place #(and the need to be needed is a bit... hmm.... there's a lot there i do need to examine carefully) #it's not even worth talking about boy no.2 who is kind enough to break anyone's heart lollll and who is definitely definitely #and clearly in every way definitely not interested or available or anything close to it #anyway im not in tears tonight lolll thank God i am mostly okay #but i think i need to take an early night :') clearly i am starting to be emotionally overwrought #it is not AGONY........ it is something quieter i think.

[fischiee]

ok actually i don't think i'll ever forgive @favvnsongs for making me ship washilon bc now i am all consumed that the fact that wash DIDN'T KNOW epsilon survived the implantation process LIKE

and the SECOND that he found out that he was alive he rebelled from pfl and took off to go save him with the intention of sacrificing himself in order for epsilon to survive i cannot with these two

#first of all im joking favvn i just really didn't use to think of them that much and now they consume my every waking thought #still screaming at 'i was /sure/ they deleted him' like AHHHHHHHH #also wash in such agony the whole season about how awful ais are only to literally drop everything to go die for epsilon is so crazy #AND THEN WHEN EPSILON SEES HIM HE IMMEDIATELY TRIES TO KILL HIM LIKE WHAT #wash in s7 when epsilon has been saved but literally hasn't come back to help him like wash did for him: alright fuck this guy now #actually really highlights his s7 villain arc bc yes hes silly in it but also he would go against everything he once cared about #in order to finally get any form of freedom and a chance at peace #wow i am so emo about this i could go on for years #rvb #red vs blue #epsilon ai #agent washington #washilon

[the-acid-pear]

Y'know I really feel like Harry and Dave's relationship goes highly unexplored which is a shame because there IS quite a bit to explore, ESPECIALLY if you care about shipping. But as the game stands I mean, they must be aware of each other. Harry in fact definitely knows about Dave. I don't think he'd tell the fucking weird rotten bunny his terrible boss brought in IS the number one threat against Freddy's since day 1 but even so. Dave I don't think would see Harry as much more than A Phoney™ though, which is always more of an obstacle and way less of a person. Which is usually opposite of how Jack sees his often sole employee. Like, you get what I mean? It's almost similar to 2 with the main opposing routes being Peter and Dave except the stakes are arguably way lower now.

#luly talks #dsaf #dsaf harry #dsaf dave #harry fitzgerald #dave miller #if you DO care about shipping however the meat to chew on becomes greater #i think dave bond w Phoneys in general goes fairly unexplored which is once again A Shame bc i do like the hypocrisy he holds #in more than one way they mirror each other #now im just getting emotional and derailed now im literally just thinking of steven that's NOT da point now 💥💥💥 #point is i do think you'd take this to a weird domesticating route or simply a more. goofy love triangle one #i mean dave does say he'll win Jack back which is peak divorced line #so its like. a tug war. except Harry isn't like peter who was like employee for the love of god i need your help #harry is pretty passive like Sir. This is urgent but it is your choice ☹️ #sorry my meds are kicking in what am i even saying anymore? #i feel like that NyQuil post im for sure gonna shit the bed tonight #i digress anyway point being i think you'd go many places with this concept #you'd just have them coexist in a way the game doesn't explore. you'd have it just plaguing Jack's mind. #you'd have a one sided rivalry. you'd have a STRAIGHT UP RIVALRY. you'd have tragedy and agony in planet earth #which i saw be touched up on once by that one artist who draws jack like he never left the 80s mullet and all. muppety too. #iykyk there's like 6 harrysport artists overall you'll figure what i mean #and yeah you'd even have a somewhat functional jack having two hands. which is something taps chest i truly think could happen #i believe un love and peace and chsnge and healing and #and copium first and foremost ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ #my body feels so heavy its hard to leep my eyes open

[afuckingsystemsthoughts]

we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.

also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself

now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.

i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.

having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)

feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.

the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.

for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.

DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.

#dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #tired of the “oh you have to be in constant agony from DID to have DID” posts its so invalidating tbh #like im sorry having DID is so bad for you but theres people with DID who dont have it as bad and theyre just as valid #people always spread negativity about DID when people with it wanna distract from their suffering and the “oh poor me” posts dont help much #it forces DID systems who dont suffer because of it 24/7 to think theyre faking and that makes them exaggerate symptoms #man the online DID community is toxic

[beancalzone]

.

#what if......... i started posting more of my writing online #6 dead 12 wounded #the way I want to start posting more about my ocs amd I wanna share them with people but im too shy.... agony #i swear I have more social anxiety on the internet than I do irl #im just thinking out loud mostly #cal.txt

[ilikeyoshi]

not to get really deep and personal on tumblr dot com but i think today's therapy session may have been the first ever time i actually felt my mind and my body connect. like. it felt fucking cosmic? the revelation that they were always meant to work in tandem, and that they speak two different languages, thoughts and senses, and that i am their mediator, i am the one who makes sure they both get what they need.

i think this is why it's so common for mentally ill people to "know" their anxiety or depression aren't true to life, that what they're afraid of isn't really happening, and yet the pain persists. because the pain is your body. and your body does not understand words and logic like your brain does. your body needs to have its hand held or its back stroked. your body needs to cry. your body needs to feel and hear the physical sensation of you saying the reassurances out loud, because the words don't translate, but the sensations do. the movement of your mouth, the vibration of your voice.

and if we do not give our body this, then it doesn't matter how much we heal our minds. we have to heal the body too. we have to feel and acknowledge the pain and ask it, "what do you need?" maybe that's a bath. maybe that's lying down and squeezing a pillow really tight. maybe that's screaming at the top of your lungs. maybe that's walking around the block for an hour. whatever it is, it is the body's version of the anxiety and depression and illness. and like the mind's version, it needs to be helped, gently and consistently, until someday it knows that the fear and guilt isn't real.

#sorry im. going to be thinking about this forever. #i really do not think i have ever felt my mind and my body at the same time. #as a child the body is i think all your can feel. and when you become a teenager or young adult it makes sense to reject your body. #after all. your body's way of communication—crying and screaming and throwing things—probably got you scolded by a lot of adults. #it wasn't 'the correct' way to communicate your pain. so you rely only on your mind. your ability to think complicated and critical things #and solve them therein and make the pain in the mind go away. but the thing is the body is still there. the body is still in pain. #they are connected and can not be unconnected; to learn how to heal one but not the other leaves 50% of you in excruciating agony. #it's no wonder we can 'know' it's okay and still be struggling so much. we have to know AND feel it's okay. #and when you listen to your mind and body in tandem you realize they need different kinds of help. and you maybe even realize you're capabl #of providing both those kinds of help. you just need to know what kind applies to where. and it takes practice and patience. you probably #know all this from treating your mental health for years. but i wonder how many of us forget we have to do that for our physical health too #yoshi talks

[ask-haruka-sawamura]

Hi everybody!! I'm so glad you guys seem to be excited for this!! I've already gotten a lot of submissions so far ⟨(0o0)/

Unfortunately, I made this blog in a very busy season at my school... I have a bit too much homework to respond quickly for now. I promised Uncle Kaz I wouldn't let this distract me too much. I guess I didn't plan that well... oops. _(>.<)_ But I'm looking forward to going through them when I get the chance!! I'll try not to keep you all hanging for too long, okay? Oh, and don't feel like you have to stop sending things in in the meantime. I'll be fine!!

Thank you so much everyone, and I hope you have a good day!! <3

#one of my favorite things about this blog so far has been making up my own (°v°) type emoticons bc i never use them #but i feel like she would love them #also i think maybe i'll break character in the tags? that seems alright i think #anyway yeah oops i started this like Immediately before all of the pre-finals projects are due. like i have 3 presentations this week 😬😬😬 #agony. we'll be fine though. anyway again thank you all for your interaction!! i was kinda worried this wouldn't take off at all #also to the anon who pointed out the issue with the banner: im working on a response. im going to change it #and i wanted to address it properly but im not sure i'll have time for a couple of days. but it Does matter to me #and i'll talk about it more explicitly and at greater length then. genuinely thank you for pointing it out to me #i wanna make things right. i just need a minute so i don't like. fail my classes #i'll try to get to it tonight. thanks again

[vilelittlecritter]

Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"

People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"

Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"

#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse #like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont #ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean #i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun #lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly #oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well #the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that #oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour #as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little #so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends! #ha ha. this is agony. #i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone #which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one #also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse #i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy #its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking #yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much #im also just really snappy sometimes #I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine #they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them #i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents #they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them #sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone #i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it #sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay #I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor #again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon #if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed #personal rambles #vent tag

[darabeatha]

Absolutely feral that after getting kicked from heaven and falling down for 9 whole days (and then staying burning in agony in a pit of fire down in hell for another 9 days) s.atan and his army of millions of fallen angels just crawl from the shores of hell, decide to make a hugeass palace for themselves and then discuss what the heck are they going to do now, only to come to the conclusion that the way to hurt god the most would be to destroy his newest creation (men) which from then on they can further take on earth and make it their new kingdom (bc during the council, one of the fallen angels argued that even if they made a new kingdom in hell, at the end of the day they are still essentially 'trapped' in a box, so would that even count as a triumph?)

#;ooc #ooc #;about #about #what i find most interesting is that despite the hatred and all; there are a lot of points during the story where #s.atan laments the current situation in a way; #i wish i could list them but that would take ages of revisiting OUGH #like at one point when he arrives at the garden of eden #and sees just how immensely beautiful it is (mind u he and the rest of the fallen angels have met for the first time the concept of agony #and pain when they fell from heaven) he sorts of goes through a crisis about how he laments things #but then he's like;; no no this isnt what i want what i want is POWER and basically goes like #if i cant have this no one can; and just proceeds with his plan of corruption #anyways i think the title of the universe' first sin to adress him is kinda cool title ngl #its like; as a human it makes u sort of sympathize with him but then u realize that all this guilt and stuff #isn't really coming from a greater good in his heart to want the best; it comes from greed; jealousy; hatred; pride; etc etc #or well; i dunno i found it so troubling that we can sort of understand more his logic than the logic of angels & god #there's s o much philosophy and theological debates stacked that i dont think I can properly put words into it #bc again im a baby in all of this #but it really is very interesting #like i dunno; something something about how they WANT retribution; or better said; vengeance against god #they want to inflic this new found pain back #and finding that the best solution to revindicate themselves would be to destroy his creation #that's like feral man i dunno it makes me just -HANDS ON FACE- #bc supposedly god loves his creation with all his heart so its like; to destroy that;; what would that make him feel? #and also;; if god created all angels; why did he create an angel that could feel these emotions? #that quote that went something like 'why did you create me to be flawed' AGH I CANT REMMEBER IT WELL #i know theres something about free will that is discussed a lot in the story but #its so complicated to put into words im just gonna go OUITRTROI

[craycraybluejay]

i hate everyone i hate life i hate fucking everything just fucking when is it over when do i get to see everyone else hurt like i hurt when do i get to my permanent holiday off this nightmare train.

#vent post #iwantagun.txt #no one gives a shit about me or you or anyone motivation culture is a scam that wants to eat your wallet #they want you to FUCK them or they want you to BE THEIR STRESS BALL or they want you to be a STATUS SYMBOL or anything anything at all but #a person with their own needs and feelings and pain #you give and you give and you take so much shit thinking you can change the cards you were played #you can't. #what's the point of playing at civility and turning the other cheek and sucking up when none of it does anything but make you feel pathetic #the people with any power in your life are almost always Not You and they often don't particularly care what you need or want #they don't care about maintaining a social contract with you they don't care about honouring your work with any kindness or reward #because as long as they SAY that what you're doing will get them to be good to you you will work that angle in the hope of good #and then they can just go back on it and entrench you deeper and deeper into servitude #until you realize theres no point to it and they throw you another bone so you lose your rationale again #no one repays their FUCKING debts. no one is charitable. to you it is your life to everyone it is just a game #this is NOT a game #i am not obligated to take anyones fucking shit!!! die!!!! #if i dont off myself before i get the chance i am putting every fucker who so much as looked at me wrong in hell #jail. in deep with organized crime. permanently sick. i dont care. i just want to know that they hurt and hurt and hurt till they die #i want them to be afraid. in agony. throw them those bones they threw me just to yank them away again and again #they have to pay. im never going to make it but all i wish for is to be just influential enough to do to them what they did to me tenfold #PLEASE come throw a good hard punch at me so I have a good excuse to beat your ass half to death #PLEASE break into my house so I can knock you over the head with a crowbar #PLEASE give me reason to finally get a little of that vengeance. of course you deserve it i know you did something like that to someone #i know you refused to help a friend when they were broke and homeless. i know you manipulated an ex into sex. i know you looked down on #someone that just needed help. i know you ignored your kid when they were sick. i know you did something. #I'm sick? violent? mad? sure. but YOU are the acceptable evil that builds that festering rage #you are the good bad thing that keeps the wheels turning and the lowest rung down where you agree they ought to be #you have it a long time coming

[citrine-elephant]

so much on my mind about this shit job, but i just love (sarcastically) that if you're to be exercising, you MUST build up to it, 'less you cause injury. because you can and will if your body isn't ready. if you do 100 pushups first time.... you're a prodigy of exercise and you're probably gonna burn out if you're not suffering alreadt.

yet a desperate fucker who needs a job to survive? nah, 7 hours of exercise each day all week? yep, that's reasonable. totally (further sarcasm)

you never worked out before? too bad, get back to work. make us more money. fill my pockets and fund my sixty mansions. (eat the rich, comrades, they are nothing without our labour)

#vent #personal #i want to unionize my comrade bitches (affectionate) #also my fingers are swollen i should see if i can get my doctor to back up my spitefullness hehe #they fucked up my first paycheck and have made my fellow comrades suffer i am on a warpath i think maybe idk #i just want them to be happy and uninjured one guy is working on a strained foot AND HAS TO STAND ALL DAY #gonna fuck up his injury even worse... #im sticking with this job for now cuz i need it bute rbfhjdsghsnb my comrades must get better conditions #when i was told management was shit i wasn't thinking about the agony lol #my coworkers are great i got a hug yesterday after a sob fest lol #AGAIN CREATIVLY INSPIRED THO #surviving a whole week of physical labor in pain im not used to #and getting to sob it out at the very end of my shift #ughnmmm perfect angst for something idk what #probably a leon thing since current hyperfixation

[pepprs]

i do not want to get out of bed omfg. this week has been so fucking insane im exhausted but we have aprogram tonight until 7 and i have to facilitate and there are a million things to do today

#but i got my p*riod and cotaught on tuesday and broke up w my counselor on monday and a few days before that redacted redacted so im ph #physically and emotionally exhausted but we have this program tonight until 7 and then 2 trainings tomorrow andi have like 2 meetings inbetw #between those. and i just want to sleep and/or lie down w a heating pad bc my cramps have been brutal this time around. literally could #barely get work done on tuesday bc i was in AGONY and forgot my heating pad and no one could bring it to me from home but it s like i have n #nowhere on campus to lie down or get checked out or anything bc im not a student anymore so i need to just writhe at my desk (<- i have one #of those now finally btw 🥹💗) and jusf hope i don’t pass out. and i didn’t but it was so bad and im not recovered from it yet. idk. #everything is so much. there are some intense and in some cases horrible things happening. iwwish we had time to pause and process them and #that we weren’t so tired and stretched all the time. i wish we didn’t have all these pressures to worry about. i wish we could just have #time to love each other and check in truly and to support each other bc we are friends before we are colleagues methinks and i jsut want us #to be ok and happy and rested and healthy. idk. augh #delete later #purrs #also i think i am not normal when it comes to cramps btw. i think maybe it might not be normal to be in this much pain. or maybe im just #weak or have a low pain tolerance but i feel like it’s a lot worse than it used to be + i get cramps at Other times too and it’s ummmm bad. #ask to tag #like how absolutely insane that this is a huge part of my life and i feel like i can’t even talk abt it and it’s so embarrassing but it #literaly is like.. every other week im scared that im gonna be unable to function bc of pain but i literally say nothing at all and just smi #smile and pretend im fine and barely talk abt it. i don’t think that’s good or normal. and i think ppl should talk abt p*ripds more so it’s #not as weird or bad or gross or cringe whatever to talk abt being in pain and to accommodate urself or whatever despite other ppl knowing #abt it. cringeeeee augh i don’t want to be one of Those people but like. it’s bad and i fucking hate it

[bylertruther]

sometimes i think i want to watch season five with someone when the time comes like a fun lil discord watch party or smth and then i remember that i Literally and Actually am that person tht needs to pause and stand up n walk around going omgogkgogmogmgomgomgomg whenever ANYTHING happens to my blorbitos and im like mmmmmmm ok nvm pass <3

#u guys think im being my regular brand of theatrical but No . i am crazy but i am free etc etc #when el read the letter n got to the part abt the painting? i paused #when the airport scene came on? girl that shit took me like thirty minutes cos i couldnt do it BDBDJDBDBDJDJ THE SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT N #PURE AGONY.... GOD #and then the heart to hearts? i died n exploded #the fucking . THE CAR TALK??????? I SCREAMED FOR FORTY MINUTES ONLINE BEFORE FINISHING THE SCENE #and then will's confession bro ......... i was crying the whole way thru had to pause n recollect n assess my life #and then . the fucking . the monologue scene . #i turned tht shit off i went n watched some white man on twitch i couldnt do it anymore HDBDJSJAGHSJSJDBDHF #i breeze thru anything tht isnt mike or will related but when it comes to THEM? a two minute scene takes me an hour #I Am Just So Normal About Them Clearly And Obviously #so i could not do a watch party even if i Wanted to bc i need 2 hog the remote or else i die of overstimulation #but anyway. enough expressing my derangedness online i have ten minutes to get ready for class so byeeeeeeeeeee i'll be insane later <3