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#im just worried that will be ur experience :( if ur seeking more friends i really do suggest reaching out to others on here first
hpdgirlfriend · 1 year
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🥘: also about ur tags i saw on ur answer to the recent ask i sent… yeah that’s pretty familiar to me😭😭😭 (even if it’s off topic) i remember dramatizing a bunch of stuff as a kid and making up the stories’ intensity just to get ppl’s reactions… and then i just Do Not thinks abt it bc i just go… Hm… perhaps I Will Not talk abt it. Maybe
(rambly here, feel free to delete if anything i say bothers u, don’t worry)
also also. it sucks there isn’t a lot of resources to even like talk abt this and my own experiences, bc at the surface it’s only for attention seeking!! but it’s not at all like that. like i desperately just. Want connection and also not for people to leave me, and that also has me like… change what im into / what i like… kind of often, and it just makes me want to punch myself so much; even putting the symptoms into easier terms makes it feels like… Ok Yeah I’m not normal!!!
i often feel like im faking things, but yknow? it just generally sucks bc i won’t be believed! even if im w/ ppl im comfy w/ and see them as friends, I feel like im just deceiving them and being a huuge imposter lol. while im trying to more or less accept that im… not really that great at the whole acceptance thing for myself, i think learning and seeing how much me and other ppl’s experiences overlap in some ways helps me out so so much lol!!! like!! I’m not alone in that sort of feeling if that makes any sense
anyways i hope however u r doing, hope ur doing ok :)!!! cheering u on
omg yeah yeah i mostly didn't realize i could make things up as a kid but i used to just like.. say something and then be like omg u will Never figure it out :3 n then no one cared so i would give clues or just say it so they would pay attention to me and i'd get a reaction..... but i wanted them to be so invested in me they would detective it :/ smh i had to do everything myself . actually i still do this EHEJKFMD & yeah i totally get all of that! :( it's really hard. i actually made this blog mostly to see if people would relate so i could have that connection & feel like i'm not alone... i rlly enjoy when people leave tags expressing in some way that they feel the same or they get it..! it's also bcuz you know like attention haha but the whole thing attention boils down to is wanting to feel valued and loved and connection w people anyways & thank you!!! i hope you're doing good too :-) ♡♡♡♡♡ may u have a day filled w happiness & warmth & people u love complimenting you
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menalez · 1 year
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I always really love the advice you give people on here so I hope you can help me too. I have some weird issues with food where I only have very few foods I fell comfotable eating and anything else (or anything that I did not prepare my self) makes me nervous. This hasn't been an issue for a few months now but now it is getting to the point where I get panic attacks when I eat at my uni cafeteria for example and I don't really know how to deal with that because I don't want to have a phase where I only eat mashed potatoes for a month again.
Another thing is; I have a friend whom I am kinda close with who got diagnosed with some stomach issue and is now super limited in what he can eat. I kind of want to offer him to talk to me about it because I know what it is like to be so limited in your food choices, but I don't really know how to breach that topic and let him know that I kind of understand what it is like without making the conversation all about my mental health you know?
I just always really love yout insights so I was wondering what you would do in my shoes, and I also hope you have a great day <3
oh.. what you have sounds like selective eating disorder / avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. if you can you should totally go to a therapist and get it checked out bc as a disorder it can advance further and make ur diet so precise and specific to the point where it can be deadly (due to u becoming seriously underweight or facing malnutrition due to food anxieties). ik that sounds rly scary but that’s the worst case scenario and seeking some kind of clarity and help on it is a good preventative measure esp since many such disorders are treatable if addressed
and i think it wouldn’t be too difficult to open up while encouraging him to speak to you on his similar struggle! honestly i find that when im vulnerable and open with people, they seem to also be open and vulnerable in return & to feel more comfortable around me in general. id just be like “oh god that must be really tough. i have a similar issue, it’s not the same but i have this psychological/mental issue that makes me really struggle to eat most foods. it can be so stressful to have to worry about and fixate on food in that way, don’t you think?” or something of the sort. showing that you’re willing to discuss your issues openly imo can encourage others to feel comfortable being open about their issues too. starting off with a discussion about it often does result in people discussing their personal experiences and struggles and who knows, it may end in your friend perceiving you as someone who has shown herself to be open to hearing about this struggle & willing to understand it. i have a food problem myself in the sense that i get anxiety around it which results in me throwing up and being selective of when and where i eat, and i found that bringing it up when i learn ppl deal with sth similar doesn’t end up being a big talk about me but rather us sharing the similarities and differences in our struggles with eating / food.
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madfantasy · 3 years
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I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕
You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..
I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..
I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?
Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..
Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw
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I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.
Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country
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I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.
I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani
They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.
But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that
I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..
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Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry
One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make
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Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..
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But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe
At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day
Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier
...
I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh
I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry
So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow
'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏
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26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping
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How to hold a sword - Geralt of Rivia x Reader - Part 1 of 2
Summary: You are bored with your life and want more. Luckily, Geralt of Rivia visits the town one day.
Requested by: @just-antiyou “could i request a geralt x reader where the reader is slightly wealthy but hates it and wants to be tougher than she looks so she hites geralt to teacher her and he slowly falls for her but she doesnt comprehend why HER? maybe this made no sense im so sorry i love ur writing pls an thank u stay safe” --> Hope you like it! I decided to make two parts out of the story! <3
Words: 2030 Pairing: Geralt of Rivia x fem!Reader Warnings: none
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„Stop wasting my time. “
 „Come on! I can pay you!”
 “Sure you can.”
 “Yes! Don’t you believe me?”
 “Stop bothering me and go home.”
 “I have coin! Here!”
 Finally, the Witcher turned around when he heard the rattling of the coins in your small bag as you held it up. He quickly grabbed your hand, forcing it down. “Are you mad or do you enjoy the idea of being robbed,” he scolded you.
He was right. You were standing in the middle of a busy street, merchants and farmers passing you by as they made their way home from the market. The sun was already beginning to set and the first drunks stumbled out of the tavern to your right. Two working girls shrieked when a man fell against them, landing face down on one of the their bosoms, and angrily pushed him away.
 You let the small bag slip back into the pocket of your coat. “I have coin!”, you repeated yourself.
 “Where’d you get that?”, he demanded to know. “Did you steal it?”
 You snorted. Asshole. “My family owns half the town. Did you not recognize this?!” You pointed at your necklace with the family emblem brightly visible.
 His eyes only grazed shortly over it. “I’m not from here.”
 “Right, because you’re Geralt of Rivia, a Witcher, a famous one – so give me one reason why you would decline my offer?”
 “Teaching spoilt girls how to hold a sword is not in my job description.”
 “First of all,” this time you pointed your finger at him. “I’m not a girl, I’m a woman, so start treating me like one! And secondly, as far as I’m concerned, there is no monster to kill for you at the moment.”
 “There’s always monsters to kill.”
 “Witcher!” A frustrated sigh escaped your mouth. What was his problem?
 Geralt looked at you intensely, his eyes wandering from your face to your pocket, where the coins were stowed, back to your face. He pondered about what the offer would truly mean – letting another person come too close to him rarely resulted in anything good. People around him tend to end up hurt or heartbroken or dead. The last person to experience this had been Jaskier. Years of traveling together and it ended in Geralt chasing him away, blaming him for things that weren’t his fault. This happened a few years back and since then, the two of them had rekindled their friendship, but still. His point remained unchanged.
 However, this could be different. You didn’t seek him out to become friends. It was nothing more than a job. Not to mention that your comment about him not having anything better to do at the moment was true. He could really use the coin. Before Geralt was able to rethink this, he wiped his eyes in a tiring and annoyed matter. “Fine.”
 Your face lit up instantly and a big smile appeared on it. “Yes? Oh thank you!”
 “Ten days.”
 “That’s a good start!”, you exclaimed happily.
 “It’s not a start, it’s all I’m offering,” he corrected you. Were you always this cheerful or just when you got your way? “What do I get out of it?”
 “Three coins for each day.”
 The Witcher raised an eyebrow. There was far more in that bag of yours and you both knew it. “Eight.”
 “Four.”
 “Seven.”
 “Witcher!”
 “Six then.”
 “Five.”
“Deal,” he nodded.
 Your smile grew even wider. “Thank you! This is fantastic!”
 The only acknowledgment you got for that statement was a low grunt. He wasn’t so sure about it being a fantastic idea. “Meet me here tomorrow when the sun rises. Do you own a sword?”
 He let out a sigh when you shook your head. “Of course you don’t. Doesn’t matter. Tomorrow, when the sun rises! Understood?”
 “Understood!”
 ***
 You arrived early the next morning. The excitement for the days to come was too overwhelming so after hours of tossing and turning and occasionally falling into a half slumber, you decided to cut the night short.
 You nervously looked around you. Despite the late (or rather early) hour, the street was buzzing with people. Mostly drunks but no less intimidating. It was the second time you visit this part of the town as your mother would forbid you to come here. “It’s a dangerous place,” she always said, “nothing to find there except for criminals and whores.” Observing the people around you, she might had a point.
 Growing up in one of the richest families of the town was a blessing and a curse at the same time. Nothing seemed to be missing from your life – dresses and jewelry, parties and royal receptions – everything was there in arm’s reach. You never had to work a day in your life and never went to bed on an empty stomach. Still, you were unhappy. You were born into this world with no purpose. All you had to do was look pretty, agree to a beneficial marriage and produce heirs. Your father didn’t allow you to be something else, something more. You never asked for much, knowing he’d deny your requests, except for learning how to fight and defend yourself. It was a simple desire but you hoped it would give you something. What, you weren’t sure. A purpose maybe? Indubitably, he refused you.
 A sense of guilt and shame rushed through you. It happened every time as you were aware that the problems were nothing more than luxurary at best. After all, what gave you, a privileged girl with no troubles, the right to complain when there were people starving and dying?
 “Well, ‘ello there, aren’t you a pretty one.”
 You shrieked at the slurring words coming from your left. A man, smelling of beer and piss, reeled towards you. A disgusted look on your face, you took a step back.
 “What’s that face, pretty one? Don’t cha think I’m pretty too?”
 “Fuck off!”
 A second voice made you turn around in surprise. Geralt of Rivia was standing in the doorway of the tavern, glaring at the drunk. Even in his current state of mind, the man sensed that Geralt wasn’t someone he wanted to bother, so he spit out undefinable curses and stumbled away.
 “Thank you,” you said to the Witcher. He looked different this morning. Rested and bathed, you figured and realized his attractiveness for the first time since you met him. Last night you were more focused on convincing him to train you. Tall, broad, with his glooming golden eyes and white hair that fell loosely on his shoulders – only a blind person could deny his good looks.
 Geralt eyed you up and down. “Now why would you wear that?”
 You furrowed your brows in confusion and looked down at your blue dress and fine cloak that hugged your figure. “What?”
 “You want to learn how to fight, am I wrong?”
 “No, you’re not.”
 “And you’re gonna do that in a dress?”
 “I’ve seen women fight in dresses.”
 “But not in fucking ball gowns.”
 “This is not a ball gown!” You protested.
 He rolled his eyes and started walking. “Whatever, come on. We have a long day ahead.”
 You followed, struggling to keep up with him. He didn’t seem to care all that much. “Why do you sleep here?” You pointed back to the run-down pension.
 “What do you mean?”
 “With the money I’m paying, you can afford better … places.”
 “I like it here.”
 “You like sleeping around these creatures?”
 Geralt didn’t answer instead he shot you a glance that made your cheeks flush in embarrassment. You knew exactly what he thought in this moment – he probably regretted taking the job and dreaded the fact that he was stuck with a spoilt girl like you for the next days. You didn’t blame him.
 You couldn’t have known on this day but you were wrong. Geralt didn’t have any regrets – not yet however. He saw you as spoilt, yes. He also recognized your will to change – or else you wouldn’t have come to him in the first place.
 ***
 One hour later and Geralt finally stopped in his tracks. You were more than thankful as your feet already started to hurt. The two of you had left the town far behind and had now reached a small clearing in the woods.
 With a sigh you sat down and leaned against a tree. Geralt kept his gaze on the ground and walked around the clearing, looking for something.
 You watched him. There was certainly something about that Witcher with his tall figure, white-hair and brooding looks. Only a blind woman would deny that. For a brief moment, you wondered if he had a companion or a consort, so to speak. What kind of woman did he desire? You had heard rumors about a mage he had taken as his lover. So probably powerful woman, fighters, he didn’t need to worry about protecting.
 “Here,” a stick landing in front of you catapulted you back into reality.
 You looked at the stick and back at Geralt. “What am I supposed to do with it?”
 “Fight,” only then you noticed a second branch, resting in his hand.
 “With a stick?”
 “Yes.”
 You grabbed it and got up in the same movement. “I’m not a child, I won’t play with sticks,” putting some force behind your words, you looked at him intensely.
 His face didn’t falter. “What do you suggest instead?”
 “A sword. I want to learn how to fight with a sword.”
 “You’re not ready.”
 “We only have two weeks though, we need to speed up this whole process,” you argued.
 “You’re not ready.” He repeated sternly.
 You kept staring at him, realizing that you wouldn’t win this argument. A sigh left your lips. “Fine.”
 A small smile appeared on his face. “Great. Let’s get started.”
 *** The first training was an absolute disaster. You were convinced that you spent the most time on the ground, face-down in the mud – the rest of the time you got your ass kicked. The exhaustion you felt when you were back in the tavern with torn clothes and leaves in your hair came close to nothing you ever experienced in your life.
 Geralt sat next to you, happily eating his piece of chicken, looking like he had just returned home from a lazy and relaxed day out of town.
 “You should eat something,” he said in between bites.
 You looked down at your plate where the food remained untouched. “I’m not hungry.”
 “Yes, you are.”
 As if your stomach wanted to agree, a low growl was heard.
 Geralt smirked but didn’t comment.
 “Fine,” you admitted. “I’m starving.”
 “But?”
 “Everything hurts.” It was true, you felt too exhausted to take one bite out of the meat.
 He shrugged. “Of course it does. You’ll get better though.”
 “I don’t think so,” you sighed. “Did you see me today?!”
 “I’ll tell you what,” Geralt said with a chuckle. “I promise that you’ll be able to fight and win against Jaskier by the end of this.”
 “Is he a good fighter?” You asked with narrowed eyes.
 “He’s not too bad.”
 “What if I lose against him?”
 “You’ll get your coin back.”
 “Deal.” You nodded in contently. Then you added after a brief moment: “Wait, who’s Jaskier?”
 “He’s traveling with me,” Geralt simply answered and took a sip from his beer mug. “You’ll meet him tomorrow. He knows people from this town.”
 Jaskier. You were curious about the kind of person a Witcher spent his time with when he wasn’t away, hunting beasts. Was he as calm and collected as Geralt? Always so serious?
 Another growl came from your stomach and you looked back at the plate. Well, maybe not eating at all would be a worse decision. After all, there were nine more days filled with exhaustion ahead of you. Slowly, you reached down to grab one of the chicken legs and bit into it.
 Geralt watched you carefully and a very small part of him began to like the idea of having to spend more dinners with you in the next days. Of course, he’d never admit it. Not even to himself.
***
My Masterlist
My Tag List: @just-antiyou​ , @sarah-midnight​ , @aspiring-ginger​ , @seb-owns-these-tatas​
Message me if you want to be added to my tag list <3
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shortkingzuko · 4 years
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EDIT: can y’all not reblog this?? if a part of this post speaks to you for some reason you can steal that part and make ur own post but please just leave this post here thanks
uhh genuinely though ik i joke about drugs here but for real always be careful when consuming any type of drug (including alcohol) because it can go bad real quick and mess you up forever. there were multiple times during my trip where if i had been alone or more worried the trip would and could have gone bad so quickly. depending on tolerance levels, drugs can effect people in different ways and at different intensities. i’m not a big believer in age restrictions for drugs/alcohol (like... ive been allowed to take sips of alcohol since before 12 and ive been offered to drink wine at dinner since about 15/16) but if you’re a minor/young be aware that drugs can create new neural pathways in your brain and that continuous use can do all sorts of undesirable things to cognitive functions and mental health
i live in a place where the drugs that i’m personally interested in are easy to come by and are either legal or quasi-legal to obtain. there is very little risk that i have or will come face to face with laced or contaminated drugs. this is not true for all places, and if you are ever interested in experimenting with drugs/are offered drugs, take a moment to consider the legality of it, and how that’ll affect the chances of drug purity/contamination. 
if you’re a minor/young and you HAVENT done any drugs yet, 1. never feel like you are missing out on anything/that drugs are somehow a rite of passage. i take drugs because i’m depressed (AND, LIKE, THEY DO NOT HELP MY DEPRESSION LMAO THIS IS PURELY SHORT TERM, MOMENTARY GAINS) and because im friends with a lot of casual/frequent drug users who are knowledgeable and have helped guide me through drug usage. i wanted to experiment with drugs way before i met any of them
2. even if you want to try doing drugs, consider your safety, your family history with addiction, and what you would do if everything went terribly wrong. do you have someone that would help you? are the hospitals in your country forgiving to drug users? would you get arrested? would your family react negatively? all of these are very important factors to consider BEFORE getting involved with drugs, and way too many people don’t think about it until after something is wrong
3. think about what you honestly want to get from drugs if you’re thinking about taking them. remember that any positive feelings from them are extremely temporary and all of them have their own version of a ‘hangover’ or a come down. if you are seeking long term relief, try and consult a doctor about actual prescription drug usage
and obviously if you feel no desire to take drugs dont feel weird about it or embarrassed !! it’s totally fine and actually really admirable to not want to participate in drug usage - regardless of any reason - and if people make you feel bad about it just ask them why theyre so obsessed with drugs and if they wanna talk about their own habits lmao
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rimbaux · 4 years
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hey flo! completely unrelated, also don’t know if you’re the right person to ask, but you’re studying in gb as an international student right? i made the decision to not go to german uni after all (nl mayb), but a week later i’m already thinking i can’t do it. i don’t really know what i’m asking for, but it’s such a big decision to make but also one i have to make. i thought mayb you’ve had similar experiences and could encourage me in some way. ig i’m just scared shitless! sorry to bother you
Hello, hello, my dear!
Big decisions are always very daunting, and im sure u feel like if ur studying in the uk u will feel left behind bc ur not a native english speaker, or u will feel homesick, or very lonely bc all ur friends are studying home. Or maybe u have even other doubts about yourself. I must tell you the truth: there will be slight difficulties whatever you choose to do, but that shouldn’t make you decide not to do it. My experience in the uk has been absolutely lovely and i dont regret it in any way and i wouldnt decide to do anything else. Its been lonely sometimes, but theres people anywhere and if u want to make friends u just need to put yourself out there. For the language: its a very easy one, dont worry, you will surely not be left behind. And of course everything will be different to what you are used to now, but that is what you want if you leave home, right? You can absolutely manage to do it if you want to! And maybe we only have this life, so if we don’t dare making bigger steps now, when will we?
I can just tell you, my dear anon, that it is daunting to think about, but it’s not that difficult once you are there, but it is a wonderful and incredible feeling that u get when u realise that you managed (all by yourself!) to get into an foreign uni and now you are really living there! Its like taking ur dreams in ur own hands and feeling them there, breathing between ur fingers.
What i mean to say is this: it’s all worth it, bc if u want to leave home to study, then u have a soul that seeks adventure somewhere else, and u will be ready to face any little difficulty that will be there. But honestly, all the time ive been in the uk, british people have been helpful and lovely to me, and excited to meet someone from europe (which u couldnt imagine with the current political situation, but yes!), so dont worry about that. Its completely normal to be scared of change, but you can do it! And it is worth it! So so much!
If u have any other questions, or seek any more reassurance, u can of course message me on private, i’ll be super happy to help 💜
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fairycosmos · 4 years
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(3/3) selfish of me to think that way and to lowkey wish she would stay single, but I mostly just wish she felt the same as I did I guess. I feel like I’m just a placeholder for the meantime until someone better/“the one” comes along. And i know she doesn’t view our friendship that way, she’s always telling me how much I mean to her and how much she loves me but in the long run I feel like essentially that’s what it’ll be because the same thing happened already with my childhood best friend.
hey luv, im sorry to hear that :/ i know it's hard when your logic and your insecurities cause such a strong internal conflict. but i think this is a matter of differing perspectives + your learned fear of abandonment, more than anything else. you said romantic relationships aren't a priority for you, which i totally understand, but it's not like that for everyone. your point of view is not allowing you to see the full picture because you both have different priorities. but ultimately it's not a personal failure to not be in love with someone. you're not somehow 'lacking' just because she wants to experience multiple types of relationships. it's not that you don't have what she's looking for, it's that the context of your dynamic is simply different. not 'lesser than', just not the same. and it doesn't mean she doesn't need/want friends, too. you don't have to be everything to her, and do everything for her, in order to be important in her life. a platonic friendship produces a certain type of love that you can't find elsewhere, and it sounds like she knows this because of how much she treasures you. there is no hierarchy and there is no number one spot, there's just the bond you have and its natural evolution. it can coexist with other bonds, it is stronger than you realize. wherever it goes, if it's meant to adapt and last, then it will. the love will remain. and either way, it's generally not a reflection of who you are as a person or anything. it sounds like you have pretty low self-esteem, and that makes it difficult not to internalise everything and measure your worth based on other people. seems like this, combined with what you've already been through, is causing you to project. you think the past is doomed to repeat and so you're trying to find warning signs in every interaction. but nothing is guaranteed, and certainly not her leaving your life entirely. does reality indicate she would? if you can recognise that you're tripping on memories, trying to fit them into the present - then you can begin to identify your unrealistic or irrational thinking patterns, which should make it easier to disregard them eventually. it may also help to talk to someone about this if possible, maybe a counselor. ik it's a scary idea, but it doesn't have to be a big deal to be open, to face yourself. doing so is the fastest way to break the cycle. it's completely natural to crave love and attention, but it's important to try to seek it in a healthy way for the sake of everyone involved. i really think discussing this will allow you you to figure out the key causes of your anxiety, which is imperative. and having the perspective of a professional who can show you how to cope changes everything if you want it to. again, ik it's daunting. and there's really no pressure, i just hope you can familiarise yourself with the idea. know that it's always there for you, and that you genuinely don't have to handle this all by yourself. above all tho, i don't think you need to feel irreversibly guilty for thinking this way, as long as you're being considerate with your words and literal actions. try to be fair and honest with her. you've been through a lot and you're defensive and scared, but you need to start taking care of your self worth in order to feel ok about intimacy and boundaries and other ppl. it's ok if it's a process, it's a life long task for everyone. but as long as you're working on it, even in little ways, then you're going to be alright. you are so much more than just 'filling up a gap until someone better comes along.' and everyone around you knows it, it's time you do to. seriously, they don't see you how you see yourself. and i think that's what all of this could be stemming from. anyway! i hope you find the support you need even if it's not all at once, and i hope you start understanding your own inherent value. i believe in you. the future will prove ur worries wrong 💘
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hmhteen · 6 years
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HMH Teen Teaser: YOUR ONE AND ONLY by Adrianne Finlay!
 It’s time for another teaser from us at HMH Teen! This one’s super fun: well, if you find dystopian societies where humans are extinct and society is now ruled by nine types of clones...fun. Even more fun? You can take our quiz to see which kind of clone you are by clicking here! 
YOUR ONE AND ONLY by Adrianne Finlay is a debut with something for everyone: it has a bit of sci-fi, romance, action, and even thriller! We have the first two chapters for you below, so scroll down to learn more.
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Chapter One
ALTHEA
Althea-310 waited for class to begin, sitting in a neat row with her nine sisters. They’d spent the morning on their
floor of the Althea dorm twisting bright ribbons into their hair, and all ten of them had a different color winding through oth- erwise identical dark curls. Althea-310 had chosen lavender. Al- thea-316 had wanted lavender, so they’d agreed to draw sticks, but Althea-316 still scowled three seats away with her blue rib- bon, even though it had all been fair and she didn’t have any reason to sulk like that. As the sisters casually communed while waiting for class to start and their emotions mingled together, Althea-316’s resentment threaded through them all like a far- away hum. A Gen-290 Althea had admonished them for invit- ing the conflict into their group, but Althea-310 overheard the older woman comment a few moments later how she’d secretly laughed about it all.
“They should use white, like our generation did,” she’d said. “It’d be so much simpler. I guess it’s something Altheas have to learn on their own. I just thought the Gen-310s would have it figured out by the time they were fifteen. We certainly knew better.”
Althea-310 didn’t care what Altheas were supposed to learn. She liked the way the silky colors fell down her sisters’ backs, a rainbow in an otherwise boring classroom. Anyway, she felt pretty. Lavender really was nicer than blue.
The sisters’ nine faces all turned in Althea’s direction as they sensed the pride coming from her, and Althea-311 gave a small shake of her head, a silent warning. Althea clasped her hands to- gether and focused on tamping the feeling down. It would only make things worse with Althea-316, and there were other things to worry about today besides ribbons.
Vispera’s town council had told the class there would be a test. They were to expect a visitor, someone who was part of a new research experiment that would make the three commu- nities better. Though Althea had a hard time imagining that Vispera, or even the other two communities, could be any better than they were now.
A Gen-290 Samuel walked in brusquely and put his books on the desk up front. It was Samuel-299, who wasn’t actually a teacher, but a Council member and also a doctor at the clinic. So the experiment to make the community better was something medical. That was odd, however, since genetic modification meant that, in three hundred years, no one in Vispera had ever had so much as a cold.
The Samuel’s gaze passed quickly over the ten Carson broth- ers in the back, their feet spread lazily in front of them, taking up as much room as possible. The younger versions of himself, the Gen-310 Samuels, filled the middle row. Then he took in the front row of Altheas, their posture straight and hands folded on their desks. He shook his head at the different colored ribbons in their hair, smiling absently.
“You Altheas,” he said. “Always up to something.” He fiddled with his books, acting strangely nervous for a Samuel. “I know the Council talked to you some about what we’re doing today,” he said, perching on the edge of the desk. “You need to meet someone. He’s going to be part of our class from now on, part of our community, and if things go well, you’ll see a lot more of him. Now, understand, you’ll find him . . . different. But I expect you all to behave and be polite.”
Althea had no idea who the Samuel would want them to meet. And what about the test? Althea had spent last night with her friend Nyla-313 quizzing each other on history, so a medical test would be a disaster.
Althea liked working with Nyla-313. Nyla was learning in the labs how to engineer clever little oranges spliced with wild seeds so they tasted of cinnamon, and she would bring her experi- ments to Althea for their study sessions. Also, the Nylas never teased Althea about the scar on her wrist, and Nyla-313 often told her she shouldn’t bother hiding it. But while Althea enjoyed the colored ribbons, she didn’t like her scar. When it wasn’t cov- ered, the eyes of those in the community landed on the smooth line of white skin circling her wrist, and she hated how they’d inevitably say, “Oh, Althea-310,” as if all they needed to know about her was that she was the sister born with the defect, the one who’d needed a replacement hand grown separately in a limb tank. She used to wonder why she hadn’t been eliminated once it was discovered. It must have been apparent while she floated in the tanks, months before she was born. But it would have shown up too late to start creating another Althea. It had happened before, usually through accidental death, that a mod- el’s generation had only nine people instead of ten, but it caused a lot of discontent, even some disruption. That must have been the reason she hadn’t been eliminated.
Now all the studying they’d done would be for nothing. This was all very unusual; they never strayed from the curriculum. Maybe Samuel-299 had brought in someone from one of the other communities, maybe from Copan or even all the way from Crooked Falls. Maybe even an Althea. Althea had always won- dered how the Altheas in Crooked Falls might be different. Was their penmanship as elegant as the Vispera Altheas’? Did they cut their hair shoulder-length, like the Altheas in Copan? Maybe there was another Althea out there who was born with a defec- tive right hand and also had a scar like the one around her wrist.
But it couldn’t be an Althea from Crooked Falls, of course. The Samuel had said him. It was probably just another Samuel, then. Althea sighed, realizing the ribbons were probably going to be the only real excitement of the day.
Samuel-299 paused at the door before stepping out, his brow creased, his voice plaintive. “Remember, just . . . be kind.”
When Samuel-299 returned, a boy entered behind him. On seeing him, the row of Samuels collectively sucked in a breath. A Carson huffed an incredulous laugh. Every Althea reached a trembling hand for the hand of the sister next to her until their fingers wove together in an unbroken sequence. Althea com- muned with them, feeling their emotions as she felt her own. Every sister and brother communed in small, subtle ways all the time when they were close together, as did everyone in Vispera, but in moments of stress or fear, it was important to seek a strengthened connection through touch. Her sisters’ collective effort to calm one another coursed through her like liquid. It was warm, seeming to fill her limbs. She exhaled as, little by little, the shared anxiety eased.
The boy fidgeted miserably. He ran his fingers through his hair, then pushed his hands into his pockets. Althea tried to fig- ure out his age. She thought he was probably fifteen, like the rest of them. He looked scared, but no one stroked him or tried to comfort him, no one held his hand to commune, not like the brothers and sisters did for one another.
His eyes glanced from student to student, quick and nervous. He looked like he might be somewhat intelligent, but it was hard to tell. Even if he is, she thought, he’s still so strange. He’s not one of us. Not at all. He was like no one else.
Althea had seen so many faces. She’d seen all the nine faces of the nine models of Homo factus, at all different ages. She’d seen these faces in Vispera as well as on a school trip to Copan. They were the same faces she’d see in Crooked Falls as well. There was nothing beyond the walls of the communities but an empty, overgrown wasteland left by a long gone civilization. The faces in the three communities were the only faces that existed anywhere in the whole world, the only ones that had existed for over three hundred years.
The picture on the wall on the far side of the classroom showed these nine faces in a painting an early Inga had rendered based on a photo of the Original Nine. They were the human scientists who’d founded Vispera, using their genes to create the nine models. They stood on the steps of what was now Remem- brance Hall in two rows, serious and self-assured. Their hands rested on one another’s shoulders, and they gazed out at the students in the classroom as if glimpsing the future, hopeful and confident about the new world they were building. The same painting hung in every classroom, and the very first version re- sided in Remembrance Hall.
There were the Samuels, with their dark skin, even darker eyes, and their sharp, angular jaws. They radiated compassion in their thoughtful expressions, which helped when they treated a scraped knee or broken bone. Every model had a specified set of skills and a role within the community, and the Samuels were the doctors, nurses, and caretakers. The Altheas were historians, of course, which meant they kept records and preserved the history of Vispera.
The Nylas, the scientists, had eyes as dark as the Samuels’, but with a life and humor in them that the Samuels didn’t have. The Nylas’ eyes reminded Althea of a black stone on the shore, still wet from salt water and shining with hidden colors. The Ingas, the community’s artists, were tall and broad shouldered, as im- posing as statues, but with light, creamy brown hair that would start turning white in their fortieth year, at about the same age the Carsons’ faces softened and widened, right along with their waists. Not like they were now, in class. As young men the Car- sons were sleek and flat-stomached. Though whatever age the Carsons were, they always strode through the town Commons like it belonged to them. They were the engineers, and they thought that made them more important than the other models.
The Hassans, the ecologists, carried themselves gracefully, like leaves floating over rippling river water, and their small, agile fingers could tinker with a threshing machine so adeptly you’d think they were talking to it and telling it in which direction to move. The Hassans were the complete opposite of the Viktors with their brooding foreheads and hulking shoulders. The Viktors were the philosophers, which meant they were always ready to lay a thick hand on the arm of anyone who broke even the smallest rule. They kept the community safe and regulated.
The Meis and the Kates were a study in contrast, too. Althea admired the Meis’ sense of style, which went far beyond colored ribbons. As theologians, they loved the rituals of the community and always knew how to put the final touches on a ceremony, something that would keep it familiar and comforting, while still offering a new element, like when they hung a glittering chandelier from a balsa tree. They had delicate limbs, and al- ways dressed with careful thought and precision, never forget- ting to include something shiny in their matching dresses. If they wore a ribbon in their perfectly straight hair, it would always be something shimmering. The mathematician Kates, on the other hand, shunned anything sparkly, preferring instead their serious, demure outfits that went along with their turned-down mouths and sloped brown eyes that always made them look somehow disapproving. Or at least that’s how they often looked at the Altheas, who were too unpredictable to ever please the Kates, especially the older ones.
These were the faces Althea knew. She’d known them her en- tire life, and knew them at every age, and in every mood. Sure, sometimes an accident or slight genetic nuance would alter a familiar face — the tiny freckle on Inga-313’s ear, or the little indentation on Viktor-318’s collarbone from when he broke it in a wrestling match. And of course, Althea’s own scarred wrist. These faces were her whole world. They were the whole world.
She’d never seen a face like this boy’s.
And his eyes. Something was wrong with them. The eyes of the nine models were all brown, though they varied in the range of shades. This boy’s were almost colorless, watery and cold, an odd bluish-gray. How could eyes be gray?
Althea shook herself, shivering at the ghostly translucent color, but at the same time realizing it was not simply what he looked like that was disturbing. She also felt nothing from him. It certainly looked as though he was nervous in front of the class, but the only indications of fear were what she could see — his shuffling feet and shaky hands, the way he blinked nervously. Emotions that strong should have been radiating off him like a fever, infecting the whole class. Instead, he was isolated, a soli- tary figment as cold as the stone wall that surrounded the town.
Everyone in class was rustling and shifting in their chairs. They felt the bone-chilling detachment from the boy as well.
“What’s wrong with its face?” Carson-315 asked.
Althea had wondered the same thing, but couldn’t imagine asking the question herself. The boy’s ears brightened red, which meant he had heard and understood Carson-315.
“Nothing’s wrong with his face,” Samuel-299 said. “He’s sim- ply different.”
“Different from what?” a Samuel asked, Samuel-317.
“From the nine models.” Samuel-299 nodded to the painting on the wall. “He’s human, like they were.”
“So he’s not Homo factus,” a Carson said, grimacing. “No. Like I said, he’s human — Homo sapiens.” “Where are his brothers?” Althea-316 asked.
“He has no brothers — he’s alone.”
Alone. The word struck Althea’s ears, its awful power tight- ening her chest. She leaned back, trying to put distance between herself and the strangeness of this boy.
“Why would we bother making a human? What good is it?” Carson-317 said.
Samuel-299  rubbed  his  mouth as if realizing this situation— whatever it was — should be going better. He took a breath. “The Council has been conducting an experiment. Humans were a great people. It’s because of them that life continued through us.”
Althea noticed that the Samuel hadn’t actually answered the question. He hadn’t said what the Council’s experiment was for. He was hiding something.
“They couldn’t have been that great,” Samuel-314 said. “I mean, they’re dead.”
The Carsons cracked up at that. Carson-310 slapped Sam- uel-310 on the shoulder, and then all the Carsons copied the same action nine more times, right down the row of Samuels. Samuel-299 watched them mimic each other, one by one, a strange look on his face.
“They’re extinct,” Samuel-299 finally said. “Humans repro- duced genetic lines that shouldn’t have been allowed to con- tinue. Their mistakes are what caused the Slow Plague.”
It was hard to imagine what it was like when humans covered the planet. Althea pictured a world overrun by an unrestrained population, reproducing like animals, their genes mingling un- predictably and disastrously. The communities now were en- tirely regulated and controlled. Her people maintained the same three communities with populations that never rose above nine hundred. There were ten generations of each of the nine models, and a new generation born every decade. But before Vispera, every face was unique, and there were millions of them. To Althea, it sounded horrible, like thousands of insects crawling in a thousand directions.
A Carson nodded his chin at the boy. “So is he going to get sick and die like they did?”
The strange boy looked up at Samuel-299 as if waiting for him to say something that would make the others stop looking at him with suspicious glints in their eyes, like they didn’t know whether they should laugh at him or actually be angry that he was contaminating their classroom. The Samuel rested a hand on the boy’s shoulder and said, “He’s healthy so far. His lack of abnormality is one of the reasons we chose his genetic material from the Sample Room.”
The boy’s shoulders turned in, deflating under the Samuel’s hand. Althea thought perhaps he wasn’t happy with the way the Samuel was talking about him.
“All of you,” Samuel-299 said, “come from the Originals who lived here back when the humans called it Costa Rica. Our ge- netic lines are refined and perfected. Where humans relied on natural selection, we have technology and science. That’s what makes us fundamentally singular from humans. We have no mu- tations, no genetic outliers, no mistakes or abnormalities. We all work together, communing and cooperating. Jack, on the other hand . . . genetically, his cells were never altered. He’s an exact copy of a human boy who lived in the twenty-first century. And that makes him different. But while he may be different in some ways, in many other ways he’s just like you.”
“Does it talk?” Carson-312 said.
“Yes.” Samuel-299 pierced Carson-312 with a stare. “He talks.” Samuel-299 turned to the boy, hovering over him, his body rigid and impatient. “Go ahead, say hello. Introduce your- self.”
They waited while the boy shuffled his feet.
“My name . . . my name is . . .” He spoke uncertainly, but then stopped as if making a decision. He straightened his shoul- ders to stand with more assurance. “I’m Jack.”
One of Althea’s sisters giggled. “Jack?” she said. “That’s not a name. There’s not even a number after it. What generation is he supposed to be?”
“Maybe he’s Jack Zero,” a Samuel said, and everyone laughed. “Hey, Jack!” one of the boys called. Almost immediately a chorus of calls followed, with the name being shouted by ev- eryone in the classroom. They shouted as if testing the name out, though the more it was said, the more they took delight in jeering at the boy. His name did sound strange, Althea had to admit. Foreign and unfamiliar. Her fingers slid unconsciously to her wrist. She didn’t join in the shouting.
“Please, everyone,” Samuel-299 said. “That’s enough.” Jack’s chest rose and fell, and then rose again.
“Sam,” the boy said, which was odd, because he was talking to Samuel-299. Nobody called any of the Samuels Sam. It seemed disrespectful, though Althea couldn’t say why exactly.
Samuel-299 looked at him sharply. “Jack? Are you all right?” Jack wiped his nose with the back of his hand. His breath wheezed. Carson-318 snorted laughter, repeating the name Jack, mimicking the concerned way Samuel-299 had said it, though
the man was too focused to hear. “Is it an attack?”
The boy nodded. Althea couldn’t figure out what the problem was. He seemed to be having trouble breathing. Sensing some- thing wrong, the class went silent until the only sound in the room was the whistle of air being sucked into the boy’s lungs. As she watched him struggle to breathe, the seconds moved so slowly that Althea imagined for a moment she could see them shimmering the air like heat.
Jack fumbled in his pocket, producing a plastic tube gripped in his palm. Samuel-299 touched his back.
“It’s okay,” he said to Jack. “Calm down.”
Jack put the tube in his mouth, pressed down, and sucked in. It looked like something he’d done many times before. A tension seemed to release from Samuel-299 as Jack’s breathing eased.
“What was that?” a younger Samuel asked.
 Samuel-299’s eyes closed briefly before he looked up, reluc- tant to talk about what had just happened. “He uses that device, an inhaler, for a condition called asthma. It makes it hard for him to breathe sometimes, that’s all.”
“That’s all?” Carson-317 said, distaste showing on his face. “He’s sick. What if we catch it?”
“You can’t catch it.”
“You said he wasn’t abnormal. That looked pretty abnormal to me,” Carson-314 said.
“He’s not abnormal. He’s human, and in humans a certain amount of abnormality is, well . . . normal.”
The Carsons looked disgusted at the Samuel’s response. Samuel-299 braced his hands on the desk and seemed to come to a decision. “You know, let’s continue this after lunch, shall we?”
“It’s too early for lunch,” someone said.
“Nevertheless, we’ll have a break,” Samuel-299 said dryly.
“Everyone should go outside. Maybe you can all get to know Jack a little better.”
As Althea stood with the others, her pencil bag fell from her desk, spilling its contents. Her sisters were already at the door, so she quickly bent to gather her things. She found herself at eye level with the top of her desk, and there was Jack right in front of her, holding out one of her pencils. She froze, and then real- ized it was rude to stare at him. Still he waited, his hand steady and patient. She reached to take the pencil, and her sleeve rode up to reveal the scar.
One of the Carsons strode past. “Need a hand?” he snickered, as if proud of a joke she’d heard a million times before.
Althea grabbed the pencil and tugged her sleeve down. Her eyes met Jack’s, and his head tilted questioningly. Up close, his eyes startled her yet again with their pale gray.
Altheas were an observant model, so even though Jack seemed unable to commune, Althea could see in his face that he was cu- rious, and also lonely. The other eight models relied exclusively on communing to understand the emotions of others. They would never notice the way his eyes dipped down to her hand holding the pencil, or the way he sucked his lip against his teeth.
He gave her a tentative smile. Two of his bottom teeth over- lapped just a tiny bit, a distracting imperfection none of her own people had. A carved bead hung at the base of his neck on a leather string. As with everything else about the boy, this was strange too. None of the four boys in the community wore neck- laces.
“Thank you,” she murmured, clutching the pencil and allow- ing herself to smile back.
A remaining Carson bumped into her, and then a sister returned to grab her arm and hurry her along with the rest of them. When she glanced back, she saw Jack still watching her.
Outside, the students milled about the schoolyard, unsure of what to do. The brick school was on the edge of town, bor- dered on one side by the stone wall that surrounded Vispera, safeguarding it from the jungle outside, the wild animals and poisonous plants. Jack leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. Everyone else had clustered as far from him as possible, their feet kicking up dust from the rust-colored gravel of the yard.
The usual games and sports didn’t feel right. Activities were supposed to happen after lunch, and Jack was making everyone nervous. Althea saw her own worry mirrored in the faces of her sisters. They huddled together, their hands lightly touching hair and arms and backs. The Carsons and Samuels were in their own clusters, and then the Carsons all laughed simultaneously. They passed the Altheas and sauntered toward Jack, who pushed himself away from the wall as they came near.
Carson-312 smirked. “That’s Samuel-299 who brought you, isn’t it? He’s on the Council.” He looked Jack up and down. “What’d the Council do, make a hairless monkey? Isn’t that all a human is, a bald monkey?”
“You’re humans, too,” Jack said. “You’re clones of the Origi- nals, and they were human.”
The Samuels crowded Althea and her sisters as they gathered to watch while keeping a safe distance from Jack.
Carson-312 smirked, then casually picked up a handful of gravel from the ground, jostling it in his palm as he moved closer to Jack. “He’s not very smart, is he? He just called us clones.”
Jack licked his lips uncertainly. “Isn’t that what you are?” 
A young Samuel came forward. “Don’t you know anything? We don’t say clone. We’re Homo factus.” He straightened as if proud of the title. “We’re the self-made man.”
“You,” Carson-317 said, looking Jack up and down, “you’re just some defective experiment of the Council. You’re an acci- dent.”
The boy couldn’t be an accident. The Council didn’t make mistakes.
“I’m not an accident,” Jack said, clearly wishing he could of- fer more of a rationale for his existence.
“Yeah?” said another Carson. “So you want to tell us what we need a monkey-boy for, then?”
Althea could tell that Jack was trying. He wanted the other boys, and the Altheas too, to accept him. The Carsons especially were being mean, but Jack looked hopeful, as if somehow things would still be okay. Althea kept quiet. The Altheas weren’t in- volved in this, and there was something wrong with the boy, something much worse than a replaced hand. Whatever asthma really was, it was obviously a disease her people had spent gen- erations eradicating. Her people didn’t suffer from disease. That Jack had a thing like asthma was terrifying. Despite what the Samuel said, human illness was contagious. It was what had killed them all. It was better to keep her distance, as the rest of her sisters were doing.
Jack’s eyes flickered between the  Carsons. He looked to the Samuels for help, searching for a friendly face. While they wouldn’t join in with the Carsons, not with an elder Samuel right inside, they also wouldn’t try to stop them. A few of Al- thea’s sisters chewed their nails.
Carson-312 flicked a pebble at Jack’s  shoulder.  “Well, monkey-boy?” he said. “If you’re not an accident, what the hell are you?”
“I . . . I don’t . . .” Jack struggled, not knowing what answer to give.
“You’re not one of us,” Carson-311 said. 
Carson-312 flicked another pebble, hitting Jack’s arm. “You don’t belong here.”
A third pebble immediately followed, this one striking his shoulder again. Jack backed away, his tongue pressing his teeth. The boys sniggered, and now the Samuels joined in. More of the Carsons took up handfuls of gravel.
Jack closed his eyes and pulled an unsteady breath into his chest. “Stop it,” he said, his voice thin and strained. His fingers reached into his pocket, seeking the inhaler he’d used inside. It was the asthma again. The Samuel had called it an attack, as if the boy’s own body were assaulting him just as much as the Car- sons seemed ready to do. Althea shuddered. Jack finally got the inhaler out but then dropped it in the dirt. He fell to his knees, his hands scrambling for it frantically, panic etched on his face.
All ten Carsons grinned at once.
Althea’s sisters stood like her, watching. They were feeling what she was — fear, and also disgust. Carsons were confronta- tional. They were engineers, but also leaders. They liked being in charge, even in Vispera, where the only hierarchy was age and decisions were made by consensus. Still, the community celebrated the Carsons’ sense of leadership as much as it did the Nylas’ work in the labs or the Ingas’ paintings. The com- munity taught the young people that they should think of the differences in the models as the various organs of the body, each with its own role, but working together for the good of the whole.
This, however, was the bad side of the Carsons.
As much as Althea didn’t like what the Carsons and Samuels were doing, it was painfully clear to everyone that Jack wasn’t Homo factus. He did mostly look like all of them, but that only made the blankness they felt from him more terrible. Everyone’s emotions were so strong. In one moment of communing, Al- thea could most palpably feel her sisters’ sick fear. Under that, she sensed the uneasy, excited tension of the Samuels, and then the current of gleeful anger emanating from the Carsons. Like everyone else, she felt nothing from the boy. As if he were an animal. As if he were dead.
Jack’s shoulders hunched forward. Another Carson threw a pebble at his forehead. The pebbles weren’t large enough to cause more than a brief sting, but Jack’s eyes darted from face to face as if he feared what might come next.
Althea peered toward the window of their classroom. Where was the Samuel? And then she saw him. He was watching the students through a window. He was frowning and taking notes. Why didn’t he do something?
It occurred to her then that this was the test the Council had planned. It wasn’t on history or science, or anything they’d stud- ied for. The test was how they acted today, with this boy the Council had thrust upon them. And perhaps they were watching Jack as well, to see how he would fit in. But surely Samuel-299 wouldn’t let things go too far. Althea didn’t like the sneers grow- ing on the Carsons’ faces.
“Look at you,” Carson-312 said, taking a step forward. “You think you’re not an accident? You’re so defective you can’t even breathe  right.”
Jack flinched as another pebble hit him. He clutched the re- trieved inhaler close to his chest, and the students closed in.
Althea didn’t know what to do. Her sisters didn’t know what to do. They met each other’s eyes, silently communing with the same feeling. This had to stop.
Althea-313 said, far too softly, “Quit it, you guys.”
It was as if she’d said nothing. The boys paid no attention. The Carsons continued throwing the pebbles while Car-
son-318 tore a narrow switch from a nearby patch of brush and handed it to Carson-312, who whipped it back and forth, testing its heft. It hissed as it cut the air. Standing over Jack, Carson-312 snapped it against Jack’s arm, leaving a thin welt. The brothers continued to jeer and gather more pebbles. Carson-312 swung again, striking Jack’s back.
Althea couldn’t see Jack’s face, but his limbs tightened with each snap of the switch, and she saw his shivering, barely con- tained control. There was a rigidity in his muscles, like his entire body was a spring straining for release.
He was using all his will to hold himself back. He was still hoping they’d stop.
It was too much to watch. Althea broke away from her sisters and grabbed Carson-312’s arm as it rose up again. His elbow hit her eye, and she fell to the ground. Her sisters ran to her, closing her in their protective circle, touching her face.
Althea cupped her aching eye. Her sisters held their own eyes, feeling the burgeoning pain themselves. Carson-312 hadn’t even paused, had probably hardly noticed her near him. The whip slashed across Jack’s back until specks of red dotted the fabric of his shirt like a string of beads. Carson-312 licked his lips and aimed for those lines of red, a glint in his eye. He’s enjoy- ing it, Althea thought. Seeing Jack recoil at the targeted strikes, Carson-312 quickened his swings. Breathless with exertion, he muttered, “Go back to whatever lab they’ve been keeping you in, human. You don’t belong here.”
As the switch came down once again, Jack’s hand shot out and caught it. It sliced into the flesh of his palm as he yanked it from Carson-312. He launched himself off the wall, a yell wrenched from his throat, and flew at Carson-312 faster than Althea thought possible. Jack tackled him to the ground and straddled his chest, striking him over and over. The other Car- sons didn’t dare touch him, even to protect their own brother. They’d never seen such fury.
Jack slammed his fist into Carson-312’s face, and blood poured from his nose. Jack’s wild hits landed again and again. The Carson brothers began to collapse on the ground, moan- ing and clutching their heads, the sound and pain of the blows echoing in their own skulls. One of Althea’s sisters clutched her stomach, and at the same time, Althea felt sick too, all the Alth- eas did.
The class looked on in horror as Jack pummeled Carson-312 until his face was swollen and bloody. Only a few moments had passed, but to Althea it felt like an eternity before Samuel-299 finally ran outside. He hauled Jack off Carson-312. Jack fought, heedless and wild, as Samuel-299 dragged him across the yard and through the school doors.
The class stood silent and motionless, like a held breath, the only sound in the yard Carson-312’s wet, snuffling moans. Al- thea felt everyone’s anger and alarm slowly recede like a tide.
The Carsons gathered around Carson-312, ghosts of his pain stirring in their own bodies.
A couple of them pressed their white shirts to Carson-312’s face, and the cotton bloomed red. Eventually, the Samuels came and took Carson-312 away to the clinic. By the time the stu- dents filed back into the school, Jack was nowhere to be seen, and a Hassan was at the front of the room.
Once more the faces in the painting of the Original Nine stared down at Althea and the rest of the class, their expressions as placid and confident as ever, as if nothing at all had happened. 
Chapter Two
JACK
 Two Years Later
Jack sat in the grass on the steep side of the hill, knocking a ball against the side of the white-boarded cottage. He heard Sam’s heavy breathing from climbing the steep rise, and he didn’t need to turn around to know he’d find the man standing over him, wearing his white lab coat and disapproving frown. “You shouldn’t be here,” Sam finally said.
“I should be dead,” Jack said. Although if he thought about it, that wasn’t really true. It wasn’t that he should be dead, but that he should never have been born. He should be extinct, like all the other humans.
High on the slope, Jack could see the entire wall encircling the town, six feet high and broad enough to walk on; a dou- ble-winged gate of wrought iron faced Blue River. Within, the school sat on one end, where the Gen-320 children played in the gravel-covered yard, the same one where, two years  ago, he’d attacked the Carson; next to that was the cluster of labs where the clones conducted their experiments and grew the new Gens in their tanks. On the other end stood the stout line of nine dorms, one building for every model, a separate room inside for every Gen, each with its own row of ten beds. In the middle of the dorms was the dining hall, a circular, two-story building of limestone quarried from the distant cliffs. All the clones gath- ered there for meals at wooden banquet tables, at least when they weren’t outside celebrating one of their seemingly incessant rituals. In the center of everything stood Remembrance Hall and the Commons, an expanse of lawn around a large kapok tree where the clones held their ceremonies and parties. Sometimes Jack watched at night from a distance while they danced and lights twinkled in the lanky branches of the huge tree.
Beyond the wall at the foot of the cottage’s hill, the lawn dipped down to the banks of Blue River, which flowed north until it disappeared, swallowed by dense jungle. On the far side, fields of corn, barley, and wild rice, dotted by the lingering shadow of summer clouds, stretched all the way to the Novo- mundo Mountains. Novomundo, the New World Mountains. They’d been named by scientists, years before Jack was born, and the world they’d made was no longer new.
Jack had spent his whole life isolated from the clones his own age, and when he’d finally been allowed to join them, it’d been a disaster. The Council never let him go back to school. Now he spent his days living in the tiny bedroom they’d built for him in the labs, occasionally performing some task in the clinic for Sam, like rolling bandages or folding linens. They would never let him forget what had happened, or that it had all been his fault.
Jack hadn’t spoken for several moments, so Sam sighed and sat next to him in the grass. He watched Jack throw the ball. Again and again, he caught and threw, and Sam waited.
If that’s how Sam wanted this to go, that was fine. Jack plucked the ball out of the air once more.
For some reason, Sam couldn’t catch a ball if his life depended on it. Jack had tried to figure out why Sam had such a hard time. He simply couldn’t get the rhythms down, and he missed every throw. Inga-296 had given Jack the ball when he was little. Jack couldn’t remember exactly when, but he must have been about five years old.
“It’s called a baseball,” she’d said. “Young people from your time, they played with it.” She held it out, smiling. “Who knows, maybe your original did.”
Jack had looked up a description of baseball in one of the books that filled the little cottage he and Sam and Inga-296 had shared back then, before Sam brought Jack to live in the labs in town. Before she died. The book said you needed nine people to make a team, so now he just tossed the ball at the side of the house. If the clones ever wanted to play, even with their lousy coordination, they already had their nine models. They wouldn’t include him.
Sam stopped watching the ball. He frowned at Jack while Jack ignored him, each trying to outlast the other. Sam finally heaved a breath and gave in.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he said. “It’s not safe outside the wall. You need to come home.”
“This is my home.” Jack felt familiar resentment welling in his veins.
“This hasn’t been your home for years. Your home is in Vispera.”
Jack tossed the ball. “You should have told me.” “My brother told you.”
“You should have told me. You act like you’re all the same person, but you’re not. You’re different from them.”
Sam bristled. “I’m not different from them. They’re Samuels, and I’m a Samuel.”
“They’re Samuels. You’re Sam. Don’t send them to me thinking I can’t tell the difference. They don’t care about me. They wouldn’t care if I died.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
Jack knew Sam didn’t really believe they’d care, but he let the man lie to him.
“I’m sorry, Jack. The Council won’t budge.” “You’re on the Council. Did you even try?” “Of course I did.”
“It’s that fat Carson, isn’t it? He thinks I’m a freak, and the others listen to him.”
“It’s all of them. They think it’d be disruptive.”
It wasn’t fair. He was turning seventeen, just like the Gen- 310s, and he should be in the Declaration with them. He’d had as much of an education sitting in the labs as they had at school. More, he’d guess. It was just like last year, when they wouldn’t let him participate in the Gen’s first Pairing Ceremony. He’d wanted to, desperately, but the Council had said no, citing that disastrous day at the school.
That night, when everyone had Paired for the first time except him, he’d watched their celebration hidden in the branches of a tall tree. They’d danced and eaten colorful foods he’d never seen before. The girls wore gauzy dresses, and the boys wore the cer- emonial robes tied with leather belts, and in the evening they’d all chosen their partner for the first Pairing and then spent the rest of the evening laughing together and talking. Jack wasn’t even allowed to sit at the table with the Gens in the Commons for their meal. Sam would bring him potatoes and carrots from the dining halls, or rice and lentils, and sometimes Sam would stay and eat with him, but mostly he was alone. For Jack, those nights were the worst. And it would all happen again tonight after the Declaration. They would eat and dance and laugh, they would Declare and let the community know what apprentice- ship they’d chosen, and then they’d Pair in the evening.
The laughter of the children in the schoolyard carried up the hill on a breeze. Usually they romped on climbing ropes, swings, and slides that the Ingas had made for them, but today they played a game. The children stood in a row with their fisted hands extended, while a single girl walked down the line and cupped their hands in her own one by one. Jack had seen this game before. Sam had told him it was called Button. One child would hold a button in his hand, and the rest would pretend they also had a button. The finder had to guess who actually had it. When Jack had first seen it, he’d thought the point of the game was to keep the secret of having the button, but he’d been wrong. He slowly figured out that the child wanted to be found out. If they played the game well, everyone would know where the button was. It was a way for them to practice communing, not just with their siblings, which seemed to come easily to them, but with the other children in their Gen.
The laughter stopped as abruptly as it’d started, and even from a distance Jack could tell that smiles had spread across their faces as if they’d all heard the same joke at the same time, though nothing had been said. There were no words in this game. Another eruption of laughter ran through the group in eerie unison.
Sam had once tried to describe communing to Jack. He’d had difficulty finding the right words, like describing colors to some- one who’d never seen them. He said communing was like a mur- muring, a sort of whisper of emotions passing from one clone to another when they touched or were close. They didn’t know each other’s thoughts, but they sensed each other’s feelings.
Jack couldn’t commune, of course. He could never play their strange, silent games, and maybe they’d never let him participate in their rituals and ceremonies. But why shouldn’t he be in the Declaration? It only happened once, and then they could send him back to his room in the labs and forget again that he ever existed. What harm would it do to let him be part of the com- munity in this small way? He hadn’t asked to exist. He’d heard the Council talk. They called him an experiment, like one of their genetically modified cows. They called him a de-extinction project, and maybe they called him an accident, but they had created him.
Earlier that morning, the jagged cliffs in the distance had been covered in gray mist, now burned away. They’d looked like pre- historic beasts hiding under the earth. Jack wondered, as he al- ways did, what lay beyond those hills.
“I could leave,” Jack said. “Grab supplies, go to the jungle. Nobody would care anyway.”
“You can’t leave.” “Why not?”
“Because,” Sam said, puffing out his cheeks, “you would die in the jungle. You can’t survive out there alone. I’ve kept you safe here because Inga-296 asked me to. I’m not going to stop now. She said we needed you.”
“That’s a joke, Sam. No one here needs me.”
 Sam’s eyes lingered on the baseball that had fallen idle in Jack’s hands. “I know you come here because of the Inga. I know you miss her.”
Jack touched the bead around his neck. He was surprised Sam had mentioned her. Inga-296 had called herself Jack’s mother, even though mothers didn’t exist in Vispera. Jack hadn’t cried about her in years, not since he was little, because early on he’d sensed too keenly Sam’s discomfort with Jack’s emotions at losing her. It was one of the many things that kept Jack apart from everyone else. The clones didn’t miss anyone. They saw themselves as the countless iterations that they were. A part of a whole. Replaceable. But Inga, his mother, had been different from anyone else in Vispera. She’d been different from the other Ingas. She had loved him.
“Of course I miss her. She was my mother.”
“Yes, your mother.” Jack noticed how the word mother rolled in Sam’s mouth, foreign and strange. Not unpleasant, just some- thing to work his tongue around, like a sour candy. “I didn’t agree with her using that term, but she’d taken charge of the ex- periment, so I didn’t argue. Now I think perhaps I should have.” Sam spoke more to himself than to Jack. “And maybe it was a mistake for her to give you all those books.”
Sam was talking about the human books. The ones Sam never read. Jack had learned about humans by reading those books, and one of the things he’d learned was how, even though the humans couldn’t commune, they still cared about each other.
Maybe it would never be enough to tell Sam how he felt and Sam was capable of caring about someone only if emotions em- anated from them like a cloud of reeking smoke.
Deep down, even Jack sometimes wished his mother hadn’t given him the books. According to Sam, she’d been the one who wanted to raise him in the cottage on the edge of the jungle, outside the walls of Vispera. She’d wanted to raise him the way his original might have been, the way a human boy would have been raised in human times — with a home, parents, with human books and games and his own bedroom instead of a line of beds in a dorm. She’d raised him to give him some sense of who he was as a human, when really all he wanted was to be like every- one else and have friends his own age. Sometimes he resented all the ways his mother had made him different. And then, in the process, she’d made herself different too, and that had ended in the worst possible way.
“I’m sorry you won’t be part of the ceremony, Jack. But listen, I do have good news. The Council has agreed to let you have an apprenticeship. We’ll meet with you after the ceremony, and they’ll let you Declare.”
“Declare an apprenticeship?” Jack hadn’t considered this possibility that they might let him have a job in town, serve some useful purpose. He stood. “I’ll show them my music,” he said, thinking of the instrument Sam had given him years ago that was tucked away in the lab.
It’s a guitar, Sam had said back then. At least, that’s what the catalogue in the Tunnels called it. As a child, Jack had built a crude wooden box with strings pulled across the top, trying to mimic the sound of the human recordings his mother had given him. Once Sam had figured out what he was trying to do, he’d brought Jack the guitar from the Tunnels. From the beginning, Jack had been entranced.
“I can tell them how it works,” Jack said. “I’ll explain the history and play for them.”
“That’s a bad idea,” Sam said, eyeing him worriedly. “They won’t understand. I don’t even understand it, and I’ve been lis- tening to you play for years.”
Jack had learned a long time ago that the guitar mystified the clones. He played it sometimes in his room during the day as the lab workers outside the door peered into their micro- scopes. They’d cast him sideways glances, grumbling under their breaths, but the resonant sounds and the strings under his fin- gers soothed him. Sometimes playing his guitar was the only thing that made him feel sane, the only thing that made him feel like he could keep trying for another day.
In the beginning, watching Sam’s reaction to the sound, it had taken a while before Jack understood. The clones actually couldn’t hear the music. No, that wasn’t right. They could hear it, but they couldn’t hear it. They called it noise and compared it to the drone of insects outside in the forest. Once or twice, as if they felt like they should research the question, the clones in the lab had asked him why he sat on his bed for hours, making that racket on a hollow piece of wood. How could he explain that, from the first time he’d held an instrument and strummed his fingers over it, he’d felt the pulse of the strings like it was his own beating heart?
When Jack realized the clones couldn’t hear music, he’d grasped for the first time how different he was from them. He’d always known they communed with each other and he couldn’t, but somehow, their inability to hear music made him feel even more of an outsider. He’d put the guitar away then. But now, with an apprenticeship, it could be different.
“Don’t you see?” Jack said. “I’ll teach them, really help them understand. I’ll show the Council what I can contribute to the community.”
“No, I’ve already thought about this. You’ll Declare an ap- prenticeship in the clinic, work with me. You’ll learn medicine, something useful.”
“The clinic?” Jack said.
“Of course.” Sam stood, done with the conversation. “Just be ready. You’ll talk to the Council tomorrow, after the ceremony’s done.”
Jack chewed the inside of his lip, thinking.
“Don’t look so worried. This is a good thing. And I’ll be there to help. It’ll all be fine.”
Sam walked down the hill, back toward town. Jack’s gaze followed the man’s path until he reached the school, where something had happened in the children’s game. They’d clus- tered together, their hands resting on each other’s shoulders, and seemed to collectively sigh into each other as if they were one body. Then, just like that, they broke apart and ran across the field, as sudden and synchronized as a flight of birds.
The next day, Jack sat in the chairs facing the outdoor stage in the Commons, waiting for the ceremony to end so he could make his presentation to the Council.
The Gen-310s had each Declared already. The Meis would apprentice in the kitchens, working on the menus for the din- ing hall and telling the Hassans, who had Declared as live- stock managers and field planners, what food they would need and what to cook. The Viktors, as always, were order keepers. They’d never Declared anything else. The Carsons would work with the Kates and Nylas in the labs, monitoring the tanks, re- searching genetics, and preparing for the next Gen to be born in three years. The Samuels, as always, Declared as doctors. The Ingas would be designers, keeping the open spaces in town man- icured and beautiful, and the dorms comfortable and clean. The Altheas Declared as record keepers.
They carried on with the ceremony as if everyone didn’t al- ready know what the models would Declare, as if the commu- nity hadn’t gone through the exact same motions of the Decla- ration every ten years. Samuels never worked in the kitchens, as far as Jack knew. But it didn’t matter. Every ten years, they played out the ritual.
With the Declaration over, the Gen was performing the dance now. Jack would speak with the Council when it was done. His guitar lay next to him on the ground, and he tapped his foot nervously. He’d thought about making graphs and charts, but had decided in the end to just play for them, and talk to them about the history of music, about how it was a vestige of human history. For some reason, it had been forgotten, but they could get it back again. Jack would help. He had a skill, an ability, and it wasn’t new or strange. It was old, had been around for millennia. It was simply waiting to be picked up and dusted off.
Sam still thought he was going to Declare to work in the clinic. He wouldn’t be happy about this, but Jack didn’t want to work in the clinic. He had to show them that they didn’t need to be afraid or repulsed, or think he was strange for offering some- thing like music to them. It could make them better. He could make them better by giving them back something they’d lost.
Jack wiped damp hands across his pants. He felt the inhaler tucked in his pocket and took a deep breath in and out, search- ing for any telltale signs that his lungs were going to betray him. He watched the dance. The Gen-310s traded partners and moved silently across the stage, their performance punctuated only by the sound of their tapping, shuffling feet and the birds in the distant trees.
The clones had many dances. The Pairing dance, for one, and the dances for the Binding Ceremony, or the Yielding Ceremony. The one being performed now wasn’t particular for the Decla- ration, it was simply a dance of contentment, meant to express a kind of pleasure or happiness that things were as they should be, and as the Original Nine intended. The Carsons grasped the Altheas and moved in quick, sure steps, holding the girls’ hands with a certain confident authority.
Jack pushed down his dislike for the Carsons. He had to learn. He had to get along with them if the Council was finally going to allow him to have a real purpose in the community. He’d made a mistake when he was fifteen, fighting with the Car- son-312, and the Carsons had spent the past two years making sure he didn’t forget it. They taunted him, tripped him on his way through town, or acted as if he was invisible, knocking into him as they walked past.
They weren’t all like that, though.
Jack searched through the ten Altheas, looking for the 310. The Altheas were graceful as they danced. They moved with a fluid ease that left their dresses flowing behind their legs like birds’ wings. They were pretty, with their long dark hair and smooth limbs. He liked the way their mouths turned down in a flat, serious line when they were thinking hard about something.
He always remembered Althea-310 from that day at school. She’d been the only clone that whole day who’d looked at him and smiled. He’d search for her anytime he walked through town. He’d see her, sometimes with one of the Nylas, or he’d pick her out from her group of sisters by searching for the scar on her wrist. She never spoke to him. He’d tried a few times to talk to her, but she always scurried off or was pulled away by her sisters. There were times, though, he was sure of it, when he caught her staring at him, and there was something in her eyes. It wasn’t pity. It was something else, something better. Like maybe she understood him.
The Altheas’ long sleeves covered their arms and the scar that would be on her wrist, and as they swirled together in the dance, it was impossible to tell which one was her.
Jack kept watching, though, and as he did, his foot tapped to their movements. It was a struggle for them, learning these dances. It reminded Jack of Sam trying to figure out the rhythm of catching and throwing a baseball. None of it came naturally to them, and their only hope of learning the intricate moves was through rote practice, memorization, or careful counting in their heads. Dances for the clones were an exercise in mathematics as much as anything. Jack never let on how different it was for him, the way he could hear music in his head pulsing steadily in time to the steps.
He picked up his guitar, getting ready for the end of the dance and to speak to the Council. He was second-guessing whether he should actually play for them. They wouldn’t enjoy the music, after all. Maybe he would just show them the instrument and introduce the concept. He would Declare as a teacher, perhaps, rather than a musician, but he would teach them music.
His fingers brushed the strings absently as his eyes lingered on the dark hair of the Altheas all spinning with the other clones. The pad of his palm thumped lightly against the wood, and he strummed the strings again. Slowly, he picked up the movement of the dance, and without thinking about it at all, he plucked the strings in time until a soft melody only he could hear synced with the dance.
It was several moments before he realized a hush had spread across the crowd, and the dance he’d been lost in came to a confused, disjointed halt. A Mei bumped into a Carson, who had stopped suddenly. They all stared at him. Not just the Gen- 310s onstage, but the entire audience of all the other Gens in Vispera. The 290s, 280s, the old 240s at the food table, even the little 320s. And the line of Council members, seated in the front row, who’d twisted around to see what was going on. And they weren’t just staring. They were glaring, their eyes cold and resentful. The last reverberations of the guitar faded away as his fingers stilled, and the echo was loud enough for him to un- derstand that he’d been playing much louder than he intended. They’d heard him. He hadn’t meant to play at all. He’d assaulted their ears with a noise that to them sounded like no more than wasps droning in the roof of a barn, and he’d done it without thinking. He’d just ruined everything.
It was such a stupid mistake.
Jack saw Sam in the line of Council members. The man met Jack’s gaze, and the only thing Jack could see in his eyes was disappointment. Jack’s throat burned.
They could hear it if they tried.
The rebellious thought crept its way into his mind, and he forced it away. That kind of thinking wasn’t going to help.
His mother, at the end, had heard it. Her eyes had shone with the understanding. It was right before she’d run away, taking him with her, that she’d first heard it.
Carson-312 jumped down from the stage, a furious crease be- tween his eyebrows. Jack could tell it was the 312 by the patch in his eyebrow where the hair had never grown back after Jack’s fist had split his skin. Before Jack could stop him, he’d wrenched the guitar away.
“What’s wrong with you? Why are you even here?” Carson said, raising the instrument out of Jack’s reach.
It stung that Carson’s questions were the same ones Jack asked himself every day.
“Give it back,” Jack said.
Adrenaline pulsed through him, but he tamped it down. The Council, and Sam, were watching. Jack refused to give them a reason to punish him. After that day in school, they’d locked him in the labs for a long time. He wouldn’t let them lock him away again. He knew they’d spent days back then discussing whether they were going to let their experiment continue. Jack had been too scared to ask Sam what terminating their de-extinction proj- ect would mean for him. He clenched his fists against his side and stayed seated, waiting.
“Give it back,” Jack repeated.
Carson’s eyebrows rose with Jack’s words, and Jack realized he’d made yet another mistake. He shouldn’t have let Carson see how much the guitar meant to him. Carson grinned and moved closer. Jack stood and backed away until his legs hit the chairs behind him. Maybe if he played nice, Carson would quit squeez- ing the neck of his guitar, knocking the strings out of tune.
The Declaration was in disarray. Most of the remaining Gen-310s were still onstage, though the dance had ended. The audi- ence had begun to disperse, not really clear on what was hap- pening and confused by the interruption caused by Jack. A small cluster nearby still watched the two boys, including the Council members. Jack was on display. They wanted to see how this con- frontation would play out, and Jack would bear the brunt of anything that went wrong.
“Are they letting you Declare, monkey-boy?” Carson said, bumping the guitar against his hand. “What are you Declaring as, town freak?”
“I’m Declaring as a teacher,” Jack said, his gaze flicking from Carson to the guitar.
Carson pulled at one of the strings. It gave a sharp twang. “What’s that got to do with this thing? I mean, does it do some- thing?”
“Give it back, and I’ll show you.”
“Why, so you can attack me with it? We all know you’re vio- lent. Do you think I’m stupid?”
“I don’t know. Are you?”
Carson tilted his head, that cool grin widening. In the corner of his eye, Jack saw Sam stand from his seat, but the man didn’t move forward or speak.
Jack shook his head. He was clearly the stupid one, insulting a Carson in front of everybody. Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut?
“Listen,” he said, taking a breath, his voice low. “It’s nothing. It plays music, that’s all. Just . . . give it back, okay?”
“Okay,” Carson said. “Come get it.”
The onlookers murmured when Jack reached for the guitar and Carson brusquely pulled it away. He drew Jack close, and Jack felt the other boy’s breath as he snarled, “You want to hit me, don’t you?”
Jack pressed his lips together, stifling the desire to do just that. It was exactly what Carson wanted, for Jack to lose control in front of everyone.
“It’s okay,” Carson said, pushing Jack back and suddenly feigning friendliness. “I’ll give it back, for real this time. But lis- ten, tell me what it’s called first.”
“Why?” 
“Don’t be so suspicious. I really want to know.” “It’s a guitar,” Jack said curtly. “It’s called a guitar.”
Jack watched Carson while, as if in slow motion, he dropped the guitar on the ground at Jack’s feet.
“You shouldn’t have ruined our dance, monkey-boy. Say goodbye to your guitar.” And with that, Carson smashed his foot into the base of the instrument, splintering the wood into frag- ments. Jack yelled incoherently as Carson crushed the remnants with the heel of his shoe.
The Council was watching. Sam was watching. The Altheas’ brown eyes were on him, too. The Meis, the Hassans, all of them were watching now. None of that mattered as the anger exploded in Jack’s chest. He rushed at Carson. Immediately, two Viktors and a Hassan grabbed his arms. They must have been behind him the whole time, waiting for him to do exactly this. Before he had a chance to connect with Carson or even realize what was happening, he was on his back, the breath knocked out of him. They pinned his hands, then hauled him up again. His limbs shook with unreleased energy.
“Good job, teacher,” Carson said, his mouth twitching up. “I think we learned everything we need to know from you.”
One of the Viktors twisted Jack’s arm, steering him away from the snickering Carson and the stage.
“Sam!” Jack called into the crowd. “Sam, where are you?” Jack searched across the Commons. Countless dark heads
mingled in the crowd, at least twenty different Samuels, any of which could have been Sam. It was impossible to tell. Sam had abandoned him. Again.
The Viktors escorted him back to his room in the labs, locking the door behind them. The usual punishment for bad behavior.
Jack had grown a lot in the past two years. He was taller than the Viktors, taller in fact than all the models. He was stron- ger than them, too. There were times Jack would look at them and be struck by how delicate the clones were. Thin and nar- row-chested. It didn’t matter, however. They controlled every situation, every move he made.
When Sam came by that night and unlocked the door, Jack wanted to scream at him, tackle him to the ground and hit him the way he’d wanted to hit Carson, hit him until that desolate expression left his face. Instead he said, “You left,” and hated the sorry plea in his voice. “You just left.”
Sam sat in a chair, crossing his ankle over his knee. Jack’s room in the labs was nothing like his room in the cottage. It was a small, sectioned-off corner of the building, with linoleum floors and white-tiled walls. It was as sterile as the larger sec- tions, where banks of fluorescent lights swung over rows of marble-topped desks fitted with gas spigots and sinks. He had a narrow bed, a small chair and desk, and a doored-off bathroom. The lab workers could see him through the small window in the door that led out into the hall. They didn’t bother him much. He sometimes watched them working in the daytime, and then at night the bright lights were turned off, and everything was silent and dark.
“I’m sorry,” Sam said with a heavy sigh.
 “They locked me in. You told me after last time they wouldn’t do that again.”
“Not everything is in my control.”
“You’re afraid of them. You’re afraid of the Council.”
“I’m on the Council. I have to consider the needs of the com- munity. I can’t just worry about one boy.”
“What am I even doing here? I can’t figure out the point of your experiment. Why the hell was I born, Sam?”
“You have so much potential, Jack, but you certainly weren’t born so you could disrupt the entire community.”
Jack’s heart sank even as pinpricks of anger pierced him. “My mother, she used to call you my father.”
“The Inga wanted to give you something human. Fathers are something humans had. I never had one — none of us do. I’ve done the best I could.”
Sam used to read to him, before Inga died. Not from the nov- els that Jack liked, the ones Sam called human, but from the histories, his physiology books, and the books that had taught him to be a doctor. The clones didn’t get sick, but he’d read to Jack about setting a limb and treating a concussion or infected wound. When they’d all lived in the cottage, Jack remembered Sam sitting in the creased leather chair studying textbooks and psych manuals, discussing with Inga how humans lived their day-to-day lives. Occasionally Sam would see something in the books and then abruptly declare some new activity, like reading aloud together or throwing a ball outside. Jack still remembered Sam dressed in his lab coat and black shoes, chasing after the balls Jack threw.
“It must have been tough, pretending to care for the sake of your experiment.” Jack heard the venom in his own voice. “Act- ing human, like some kind of animal.”
“I care about you, Jack. More . . . more than I should. It has been difficult. My brothers don’t understand. It’s put distance between us, and you don’t know how hard that’s been.”
“So what now?” 
“The Council will meet about what happened. I don’t know what their decision will be for your apprenticeship. Why did you have to bring the guitar, Jack? What were you thinking?”
“You’re not even going to stick up for me, are you? You’ll abandon me like always. Like you did today.”
“I have to do what’s best for Vispera.”
“So go, Sam. Go away and leave me alone.” “Please, listen —”
Jack didn’t want to be mad anymore. Instead his voice was almost gentle when he said, “You can stop trying to be a father. You’re not very good at it, and I don’t need one anymore.”
Jack thought he saw something in Sam’s eyes, but he turned away too quickly to see what it was. He looked up only when the lab door closed and the sound of the latch, this time un- locked, rang through the room.
Later that night, Jack lay sleepless on his bed in the dark, his eyes sore and his head aching. Light from flickering lanterns out- side shone through the tiny window above the bed, mottling the floor of his room. Distant voices floated in with the pattering of rain over the wide jungle trees.
With the Declaration over, the Gen would be holding their monthly Pairing Ceremony now. He could picture the girls in the circle of the Commons, each choosing her partner. In his mind he saw a girl with dark curls walking down the path to the Pairing tents, teasing and playful, hand in hand with a boy who couldn’t possibly grasp how much it meant for her to take him in her arms, their bodies lost in a pile of quilts and tapestries.
Jack curled into himself, burying his head under a pillow in an effort to block out the soft laughter of the strolling couples outside.
***
A mysterious ending! But it doesn’t have to be the end...you can pre-order YOUR ONE AND ONLY today at any of the links below, and also remember to take our Clone Quiz here to see where you would fit in to the world of Vispera!
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beebosbitchh · 7 years
Note
1-65 ;)
holy heck ! thank you sophiw i lov u 🍒
1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?
i dont understand this question?? like sometimes i doubt my own existence and other times i doubt that i exist to certain ppl? ya?
2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?
2,, normal amount? like good for sleep but pitch black is scaryy but not to the point i need the escape ?? if that makes sense??
3. The person you would never want to meet?
guy fieri, i dont think i need to know if hes actually real ? like is he real and from this dimension or from flavortown (which he has a very scarily detailed description of)?? thats not something i need to know
4. What is your favorite word?
hmm, probably ‘fam’ obviously
5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?
a willow tree !!!!!!!!!! i just talked to my mom about this :-0
6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?
ngl but i dont look in the mirror anymore unless its lip syncing along to a song sung by a guy/someone w a deeper voice bc i feel like it suits me better! gotta love coping w dysphoria!
7. What shirt are you wearing?
baseball tee, gay
8. What do you label yourself as?
nb, lesbian, fool
9. Bright room or dark room?
dark room
10. What were you doing at midnight last night?
slepe
11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?
10-11 when i was in 5th grade. i still only had two friends but i was way more extroverted and everything was so carefree and i was very invested in adventure time and art. i think that was the most of a childhood i got? i honestly did not do much as a kid and i wish i had..
12. Who told you they loved you last?
sophiw ! tumblr user almightyportraits ! the loml !
13. Your worst enemy?
x
14. What is your current desktop picture?
one from apple called ‘abstract shapes’ its very orange but also blue which is my fave color pairing atm so its perfect
15. Do you like someone?
tumblr user vahilla
16. The last song you listened to?
megan played ‘marceline’ by willow in her car ! a song i suggested to her a few months ago and it makes me very happy that she likes it especially bc we bonded over adventure time in 6th grade :-)
17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
mmyy seelfff ??
18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
mmmyseyyffelllff ??
19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? 
eh whats the point
20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)
n o ne ? 
21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?
what is the opposite of nb,, i feel like if i was opposite of how i present id be a girl, which is a verryyy weird thought for me, pass
22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?
no :-/
23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?
uh first of all blood, like, ill pass out,, second of all,, literally everything worries me
24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.
jimmy johns #16, turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, NO MAYO
25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?
im a very practical person so the least boring answer i can come up w is more art supplies
26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?
denmark
27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?
fukcing , acetoNe
28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
i think a FIRST rule would have to be pretty IMPORTANT so probably smt like how ~WE THE PEOPLE~ are all EQUAL would be a pretty good start and pretty UNDENIABLE and STRAIGHT FORWARD especially if it was the FIRST thing in this,, hmm lets call it the CONSTITUTION, in the completely hypothetical society
29. What is your favorite expletive?
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuk cufck ufc kfuck 
30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?
sunglasses??!!! that shit gotta be bright huh>?? gotta protect my retinas 
31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
i wanna say my first relationship made me a better person but that shit was rreeeaaallyyyy fucking awful and 4 months (+recovery months) that i will never get back and i think ? maybe ?? i wouldve been ok without it ? idk just a thought
32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! 
spain ?!?!? why not + i sorta know the language? thatd b cool
33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
zoey my dog :-( i miss her a lot, this month it will have been two years oh my god i miss her so much
34. What was your last dream about?
the last one i remember was a nightmare about someone tryna murder me i was very scared
36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?
i think so , when i was two i got really really sick and couldve died ?
37. Have you ever built a snowman?
ahh yes ! we gave hhimm,, fruit snack nipples, please forgive me fathr
38. What is the color of your socks? 
grey w blue n orange stripes ( again i lov blue n orange together, my shirt is teal and i have an orange hat on wow)
39. What type of music do you like?
all! i had to train this new guy at work and im sooo awkward but once why started talking about music it was easy for me to talk bc it was smt we both really like !!! i felt like i could actually communicate w feeling a disconnect it was nice ! we talked mostly about rap which was cool and unexpected but i could do it ? i really love music and i love being able to know enough to talk about it ,, isk 
40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
sunrises, ive been pushing myself to wake up unreasonably early to have more time to myself and i get to watch the sunrise most days which is nice
41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?
chocolate 
42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)
whom?
44. What do you want to be when you graduate?
college? god i dont even know… smt w art.. by an illustrator or art teacher or freelance artist or graphic designer ,, i really dont know
45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
one thing ?!!?!? i wish i was neurotypical
46. Are you reliable?
yes? i try hard to be? i hope so ?
47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
u still a lil bitch ?
48. Do you hold grudges? 
nope i try not to, ive had too many toxic petty people in my life that i dont need to be one myself.. now this is grudges w/o reason, but if ive given people several ‘second chances’ and theyre still (thumbs down) then ill avoid them but w/i reason?
49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?
DOG HORSES BIG DOGs
50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?
mm probably smt w my lab partner from last year. she always sends me weird quotes from a fanfiction shes reading and its weird but i really appreciate that she still talks to me or talks to me at all tbh
51. Are you a good liar?
nooo ?? i try not to lie? mb not tell the full truth but idk , i feel like id feel too guilty
52. How long could you go without talking?
uhh literally days like i already fucking do.. i m taking this as verbally but i dont get texts so like, it would not be hard
53. What has been you worst haircut/style?
before i went to short hair i used to alllwaayyys wear a tight ponytail every single day bc i wasnt girly enough to do anything w it and it was really really gross like thank god i cut it all off
54. Have you ever baked your own cake?
heck yeah
55. Can you do any accents other than your own?
*clears throat*
h-
hewwo?
56. What do you like on your toast?
butter and jam
57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?
x
58. What would be you dream car?
razor scooter
59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.
sometimes im just too physically or emotionally exhausted to stand so ill just,, lay down? ive fallen asleep in the shower before ha
60. Do you believe in aliens?
yup
61. Do you often read your horoscope?
whenever it comes up but i dont ,, seek it out
62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?
Q
63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?
dragons tf
64. What do you think about babies?
evil, ugly, dont see the appeal. open ur eyes ppl !!!! bbs are n Ot cute !!
65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.
x
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kpsoa97xs-blog · 5 years
Text
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on insurance websites where a taxi insurance and In Columbus Ohio my girlfriend to my and how much it a permit not a need to know the me? Can they sue the insurance group 1 pathetic price for me What would be the round about 21 or 17 year old male? here and want to tell them and reduce that but what would a fake nitrous system month for a 2010 have Blue Advantage/MN Care I do get my should report it to 450 ish any ideas car to enjoy it, you can buy the these pre existing condition policy on mobile home process of purchasing a and am licensed in how to compute that Im 18 years old walksvagen polo for young an 18 year old for a 17 year 0-60 inunder 6 seconds but there is a If i bought a So will i get Its on the left only cost me 512 and insurance pretty cheap? me because it would .
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im thinking of buying I be responsible for Looking out for individual 850 in damages for back after policy been reliability insurance on the have to pay for for. I think it s car insurance company to insurance will before I you All State insurance don t care about coverage. much is real estate wasn t my fault, the turning 17 and I Indiana, and am looking time buyer, just got 17 years old Ontraio with them plz the to buy insurance. He over. I got a and model of the have a job...? I you are, and what the car ill be Does anyone know? I mean its candles a cleaning business I people and molesters out a child help lower denied the care/specialty visit/meds if we did not deductible gets lower. What other suggestions? May be Who can i ask Disability for $11.66 more not my medical insurance basis on how much insurances how they compare go down based on the household have to .
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