#it is something i am learning myself

[hyakunana]

When you need to lie, but you're a good boy.

#Lies of P #lop #neowiz #pinocchio #fanart #comics #interrupting your local d2 art fever for puppet time -- we shall return soon #I'm not done with the game yet so i ain't checking tags #steamrolled this one bc i still wanna do another d2 comic for the weekend #cant lose momentum yet yelp #as i prepare this post i'm stuck on the cathedral boss for two afternoons already #like-- i am having progress with the battle and improving my timing so i guess that's something? #i'm not a souls player -- that's my brother -- but when i doubt myself he pats me and #'nah you are a souls player - you have persistence' and honestly he's not wrong #i'm actually enjoying the learning process of the battle even tho i'm stuck for two afternoons #i mean i spent 37 hours on the demo so at least i am taking my time sdfghjhgfd

[stuckinapril]

The whole “be responsible not for other people’s feelings but to them” distinction is so so true… at some point you need to realize that other people’s insecurities really are their responsibility & dimming or contorting yourself to make them feel better helps neither you nor them. Firstly, bc they need to realize what they’re doing and grow up. And secondly, bc you’re not just compromising on a one-time thing. You’re comprising on who you are as a person. I don’t want to look back when I’m older and stay stuck wishing I held my ground despite people’s projections or asserted my presence more or didn’t apologize so much for who I am. I really just want to own everything (the good and bad) & continue doing what makes me happy

#This is something to bring up to the therapist for sure bc im not perfect on this yet #and i think that’s also another thing im learning to be less hard on myself for — just realizing im 21 and that having insecurities or weak #Spots still is literally okay. Making mistakes is okay. I beat myself up for this too much #I am not a horrible person for being young & learning how to live & no one will make me feel otherwise #This goes in the other direction too in the sense that I need to stop being apologetic of my accomplishments for fear of #Triggering other people’s insecurities. That is not and nor will it ever be my responsibility #I’m always going to be graceful w other people’s emotions but I’m no longer going to overcompensate bc it helps no one #And is not a marker of love for me to do so

[cerealmonster15]

five stages of adeuce ft the trials and tribulations of ace trappola

#twisted wonderland #twst #adeuce #ace trappola #deuce spade #cereal tries to draw #ummmm. teehee. #jumpscare i spent more than an hour on something #i still. absolutely rushed thru but i mean i did some of it yesterday and some today #for SEVERAL hours #but i am so very busy and have a lot i need to do so i had to just #GET IT OUTTA MY SYSTEM one less thing to think about #but listen listen to me i love adeuce i love them so much theyre one of my og twst ships #and i love their ride or die bestie bond with yuu and grim it's SOOOO CUTE #i also love first year squad and i love basketball brothers and i love heartslabyul family #deuce is eating an egg in that first panel btw. sorry i dont know how to draw. well anything but especially silverware #and also hands. oh god. bu it's OKAY i dont HAVE TO make things PRETTY im . trying new things here. #IM TRYING I AM LEARNING IM EXPRESSING MYSELF VIA. IDK BLORBO SILLIES #ok that's enough going thru it in the tags i love my silly sons i hope u love them too #bc i need more adeuce FOREVER !!!!!!!!!! #directly inject heartslabyul content into my brain please theyre my favorites forever and ever and ever #[smash bros voice] NO CONTEST #ace and deuce have such a funny relationship. like why are you like that LOL kjdfldsjfkls #ace writing a Get Out Of My School letter to juice. real 2 me. i made that joke for jamil/azul once #but it's true for anyone at nrc i think actually. ok that's ENOUGH i need to go to BED GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #also i was gonna use text tool to also type the dialogue but it looked weird n out of place w/my sloppy drawing so i had to freehand AGAIN #SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[inamagicalhallucination]

one day dazai tries to annoy kunikida but other than blowing up and getting angry kunikida just sighs and chuckles fondly and that's dazai's bi awakening no 2

(he had his bi awakening no 1 with chuuya but he took it out of his memory becuz he didn't know how to deal with it)

#dazai as a teen looking at chuuya: wow i am learning something about myself #dazai as a teen: im gonna pretend it never happened #dazai now 22 looking at kunikida: oh fuck not again #kunikidazai #skk #technically #kunichuuzai

[captain-astors]

Creature. (The rendered ones are referenced from manga panels)

#mediocre art #tokyo ghoul #On some level I think I should like Kaneki more than I do but there's this weird sense of detachment #I have not only from him but being able to perceive him as a character? #I don't even dislike him it's just that I can't feel any which way about him at all. He's a catalyst for events #feels more like the conch from Lord of the Flies or something rather than a fictional person. #He doesn't suffer and learn from the consequences #he just suffers and does what got him there again. It's arguable that the lack of punishment denies him the satisfaction #but if that's the case why does he end the story with everything working out perfectly for him? #Why do his friends oblige his flaws and accept his lack of change? #Is the problem my lack of understanding or his lack of good writing? #Is he well written? #Why do I like a certain character from a different anime who's a very similar person with very similar dynamics #but with a goal and acceptance by himself and those around him that his actions really are reprehensible and cannot truly be atoned for #not only more but to the point that he's actually one of my favorites? #Am I just sitting upon a throne of entitlement #because his thought process and experiences are not catered to be applicable to and understood by myself? #GOD IF I KNOW ANYMORE #I'm not pressuring myself to like him or anything I just don't understand anything about kaneki these days and I don't know why

[uncanny-tranny]

Your life isn't a to-do list. You're allowed to exist, to take life as slow as you'd like. The dreams you have won't suddenly disappear. It's okay to stop and smell the roses, or to engage with "childish" things, or to recover, or do what you need to.

#positivity #encouraging words #life doesn't need to be a speedrun or a 100% run #sometimes it feels like i'm wasting my life but... who gets to tell me what is wasteful? i'm surviving out here and that's okay #and it's okay if you're also somebody who people think is 'wasting your life' #that's such a meaningless and frankly a very cruel thing to say to a person #because you'll see people call somebody's life wasteful because they're simply coping with disability/mental illness/grief/ect #it's a meaningless saying to tell somebody how YOU think they're wasting life. your life isn't a waste point-blank #we ought to be kinder to ourselves for choosing what we want/need out of our lives rather than placating to what is imposed on us... #...or the expectations we impose on ourselves #be kinder to yourself whenever you can. it's hard as hell but please choose kindness toward yourself #just something i thought about and felt like it was impirtant to me #i couldn't complete high school 'on time' because of covid and because i was in crisis. i felt so much shame about that. i felt stupid... #...i felt unworthy. but who decided that i am those things? the crisis i was in could have killed me. i couldn't deal with school then... #...it humbled me because i had to learn that i am not immune to needing to be kind to myself. i am human - i'm not a mindless drone... #...you aren't a mindless drone either. you are an individual. you deserve to feel safe. you deserve understanding and compassion... #...but not ONLY from others. you deserve it from yourself as well

[bonefall]

post/734733274896809984/do-you-ever-worry-your-own-writing-might-come-off that makes sense. i was asking because i'm afraid of accidentally writing misogyny myself and i kind of admire what you do

Hmm... I wish I had better advice to give you on this front, but honestly, the only thing I can tell you is to consider the perspective of your female characters.

Women are people. They have thoughts and feelings of their own, so like... just let them have their own arcs. A lot of the worst misogyny in WC comes from the way that the writers just don't care about their girls (or, in the case of tall shadow, actually get undermined and forced to rewrite entire chapters), so they're not curious about their lives, or WHY they feel the way they do or what they want, or any direction for their character arcs.

Turtle Tail as an example. She'll often just end up feeling whatever Gray Wing's plot demands. She's gotta leave when Storm dumps him to make him feel lonely. She shows up again to love him in the next book. Lets her best friend Bumble get dragged back to Tom the Wifebeater, but is sad enough about her death to be "unreasonably angry" with Clear Sky, and then calms down and accept Gray Wing is right all along.

And then she dies, so he can have his very own fridge wife.

In this way, Turtle Tail's just being used to tell Gray Wing's story. They're not interested in why she would turn on Bumble, or god forbid any lingering negative feelings for how she didn't help her, or even resentment towards Clear Sky for killing her or Gray Wing for jumping to his defense. She isn't really going through her own character arc.

She does have personality traits of her own, don't misunderstand my criticism, but as a character she revolves around Gray Wing.

So, zoom out every now and then, and just ask yourself; "Whose story is being told by what I wrote? Do my female characters have goals, wants, and agency, or are they just supporting men? How do their choices impact the narrative?"

But that's already kinda assuming that you already have characters like Turtle Tail who DO have personalities and potential of their own. Here's some super simple and practical advice that helped me;

Tally the genders in your cast. How many are boys, how many are girls, how many are others?

And take stock of how many of those characters are just in the supporting cast, and compare that to the amount you have in the main cast.

If you have a significant imbalance, ESPECIALLY in the main cast, fire the Woman Beam.

It's a really simple trick to just write a male character, and then change its gender while keeping it the same. I promise women are really not fundamentally different from men lmao. You can consider how your in-universe gender roles affect them later, if you'd like, but when you're just starting to wean yourself off a "boy bias" this trick works like a charm.

Also you're not allowed to change the body type of any girl you Woman Beam because I said so. PLEASE allow your girls to have muscles, or be fat, or be old, or have lots of scars. Do NOT do what a cowardly Triple A studio does, where the women all have the same cute or sexy face and curvy body while they're standing next to dwarves, robots, and a gorilla.

Or this shit,

If you do this I will GET you. If you're ever possessed by the dark urge, you will see my face appear in the clouds like Mufasa himself to guide you away from the path of evil.

Anyway, you get better at just making characters girls to begin with as time goes on and you practice it. It's really not as big of a deal as your brain might think it is.

Take a legitimate interest in female characters and try not to disproportionately hit them with parental/romance plots as opposed to the male cast, and you'll be fine. Don't think of them as "SPECIAL WOMEN CHARACTERS" just make a character and then let her be a girl, occasionally checking your tally and doing some critical thinking about their use in the story.

(Also remember I'm not a professional or anything, I'm just trying to give advice)

#I wish I had more succinct and practical advice to give you besides the woman beam trick #Honestly I just kinda feel it out because I like telling stories about girls #I made it fun for myself by clapping and cheering and whooping and hollering whenever a girl does something #because it's not fun to write like a monk in a monastery #With the spectre of Brother Smockbimble looming over your shoulder telling you to Write Perfectly Every Time #Characters aren't real people. You can just fix it if you happen to fuck up or do better next time with what you learned. #Making mistakes is just part of acquiring skill #and writing is an art just like painting or drawing. #So don't make a fun OC project into homework! You should be enjoying making your own art! Express yourself! #Please understand that when I'm ripping into the series I'm being so harsh because it's bestselling corporate media #Read by HUNDREDS of thousands of kids worldwide #Raking in millions of dollars a year. Written by a TEAM of professionals. #So I have higher expectations of it than of a fandom rando on the internet. Or even a self-published author who's just One Guy. #Hence why I'm infinitely more charitable to Ratha than I am to Battle Cats #bones gives advice

[seveneyesoup]

ngl i’m still worried. like i Do have complete faith in ncuti gatwa but what i Don’t have is much faith at all in rtd’s writing about race

#which id managed to sort of convince myself was maybe #it’s been like 15 years he’s had time to learn better #but the comment Immediately about ‘different colors’ in todays ep #and w the toymakers past. #i’m hoping for the best i really actively am but i’m hesitant #not even writing about race just writing that has anything to do w it #i will never forgive him for martha jones #and my cynicism is saying bringing dt back for three eps and specifically being pretty good about trans people and disabled people #is a good favor investment so he can keep a progressive image and get away w racism #i don’t actually believe that for the record #i’m just worried ncuti gatwa is gonna have to deal with Some Bullshit that’s gonna get blamed on him instead of rtd yk #which is bad for him bc it means a bad working environment and also like. taking the blame for something he didn’t even do #or that if he pushes back on something bad he’ll get branded as difficult to work with etc #anyway. worry once suffer twice or whatever and i think i said all this when the announcements were made #it’s just on my mind again #i want the best for the show and the people making it yk?

[nailgunstigmata]

i couldnt fall asleep and spent the last few hours watching tiktoks of people pretending to be wolves so i probably cant articulate this well rn but i think theres something deeply sad about how much of not just fandom but life in general is done with ironic detachment nowadays. a kind of plausible deniability of feeling anything at all. and i catch myself doing this too!! its just a lot easier to not be vulnerable and earnest online. baring ur soul in front of anyone is terrifying because ur always giving them the opportunity to hurt u when u do it

like even with this post a part of my brain is going ok its not that deep omg but like. maybe it is that deep. maybe the things we do and say and the way we navigate the world matters even in an online space about a sitcom. maybe everything can have meaning and we should be careful of what we are saying and listen to other people and try to be nice to each other because theres already plenty of cruelty in the world

and again i have the internet socialised part of my brain screaming at me that this is cringe and nobody cares but again thats stupid. like thats stupid. nobody is being held at gunpoint to read my dumb rambles and if people mock my words thats their personal failure and not mine. u just have to kinda not listen and be earnest anyways and be comforted by the fact that this mindset of self denial isnt healthy for anyone. u cant be detached and happy those two things are mutually exclusive and irony is a thing that can genuinely poison you. like im speaking from experience i literally have the same kind of brainrot and i think that most people have it, especially gen z since we grew up on the internet and started curating the way people perceive us online way too soon. like yeah theres a point where u only know the self that exists to be perceived and that sucks i think.

mocking others vulnerability is fun and safe but it cant make you happy. the only thing that can is being genuine and open and vulnerable. its scary but its the only way. what im trying to say is that the live laugh love girlies were kinda onto something (minus the christian fundamentalism) and we are gradually spiraling into a world in which nothing is real and everything is a commodity and the only way to save ur soul is to be genuine and earnest with people u love and with the world in general. lets cling to our humanity as capitalism alienates us and keeps us trapped in a perpetual cycle of dissatisfaction so we can consume and be consumed forever and ever while giving just enough to keep the engine pumping. im not saying that actively trying to be earnest is the antidote for capitalism but i do think it helps salvage our humanity. and i do think its the only way to be happy

#like yeah idk ill always be a person that feels things deeply and gets emotional about dumb things #and ive learned to grow a hard shell over my feelings that im still trying to whittle down #and even now its like. why am i saying over dumb things? why am i doing that to myself #theres no such thing as being emotional over a dumb thing because being emotional is never stupid. its good and important #this isnt sunny fandom specific just something ive noticed online #idk. and even in person. tho its worse online ofc because #further detachment via screen etc #i should sleep

[scificrows]

Is there a 300 page essay about Murderbot's armor (specifically the opaque helmet) as a not-so-subtle metaphor for masking in a clearly neurodivergent character already? Because I need it.

The way Murderbot is unvoluntarily without its opaque armor in All System Red in front of the crew (i.e. unmasking) and appears surprised at its own strong facial expressions and other people's reaction to it? The vulnerability that comes with that and how Murderbot spends pretty much the rest of the book wearing or actively missing its armor which keeps it safe from the mortifying ordeal of being known (yet sometimes other characters suggest it might help for it to not opacify the helmet in order for others to see it as a person and to trust it (and in the end idk if it would have achieved the rewards of being loved by its humans and have had its needs met if it hadn't unmasked in this relatively safe environment sometimes)).

Also there's the whole avoiding-looking-directly-at-people-and-using-drones-instead thing which Murderbot usually hides using the opaque helmet, but whenever it doesn't have that people notice it and many react negatively/confused. I think that's a whole neurodivergent-applicable situation in and of itself? Like damn

And then Mensah encourages Murderbot not to wear armor on Preservation station since it would not need it there, Murderbot is hesitant but ends up not wearing any (like 4 books later when we finally get to that bridge) (going for the comfortable clothes it chose for itself instead, with very strong feelings about the whole being able to make choices thing that I cannot go into further at this point because I would absolutely end up BITING SOMETHING OR SOMEONE).

And I'm not going to advocate for unmasking all the time in any setting because hell no, sometimes it absolutely sucks and people are irritated by Murderbot's now visible quirks and are afraid of what they don't know, but many GET TO KNOW Murderbot better and because there are other people that make sure Murderbot is safe and respected and are willing to get people fired for it if they disrespect it (Pin-Lee my beloved) Murderbot can experiment with this situation without being exiled to some abonded part of a planet and other people are forced to spend enough time around ot to learn to respect it and even like it. I just....... It must be so scary and Murderbot is handling so much at once and in this essay I will

PS sorry this is a disorganized mess but so am I and I have so many Thoughts and even more Emotions and so little patience.

#murderbot #the murderbot diaries #all systems red #murderbot diaries #𓄿 #i sincerely hope this post isn't insensitive because i feel like the autism vibes are strong with murderbot and i am not diagnosed with tha #but i have adhd and a fun mix of anxiety and depression #and i've been deepdiving into autism research to help get one of my closest friends diagnosed (not possible at the moment) #and i relate so strongly in many ways and i dont know if its just that adhd and autism can overlap heavily #or my personal cocktail of adhd anxiety depression etc #or if i am on the spectrum somewhere myself #in any case i feel very strong solidarity and i hope i am not overstepping #but the main point here is the masking and that is DEFINITELY something ive been struggling with a lot recently #hence the strong emotions lol #i dont like to unmask. it sucks. but it can be so worth it. #and i am practicing and learning and trying my best #i feel like this fun sideblog for my scifi hyperfixations is quickly turning into a mess of therapy ramblings for myself #maybe thats because i love these books particularly BECAUSE i relate so strongly to these characters #in ways that are not NormalTM. and surprising for me #and ways that really help me figure out who i am and why dealing sith other people is so difficult for me #welp nevermind #all hail murderbot i guess

[autisticlee]

is it an autistic experience to ALWAYS be the one in a friend group who gets left out, alienated, secretly disliked, then kicked out of the group?

#autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #asking autistics #i want/need a friend group but it ALWAYS GOES BAD!!!!!!!! AND ITS SOMEHOW ALWAYS MY FAULT?! idk what im doing wrong. people suck. #but i need people and i hate that about me. why cant i split myself in half a few times #or learn how to do group activities alone....like playing tennis. going to the amusement park ive wanred to go to since i was a kid. #drive alone on long trips where i will fall asleep but talk to myself so i dont or something. walk on the park trails alone where people #get kidnapped and stuff when alone. go to a convention and cosplay a group of characters alone. one for each finger.... #if you cant tell im being sarcastic. and doing a bad job. sighs. i hate that i have to do everything i need/want a group for alone because #i cant make friends or make groups keep me in them. assuming because im autistic and they hate me 🙃 #eother that or im a piece of shit and dont realize it!!!!! how am i supposed to know when no one tells me!!!! 😭😭😭😭 #so is it actually me and my fault or is it because im autistic and people just do this to us for some reason #autism stuff

[alithographica]

Polls were honestly the best thing to happen here, happy 1 year anniversary polls 💕

I love scrolling past not only random polls about anything but also whole accounts dedicated to poll-based tournaments for pokemon, astronomy, colors, farming equipment…

Having opinions about inconsequential bullshit can be very fun

#I actually hate making decisions #and some of the pokemon polls feel like I’m picking a favorite child #but I love realizing I do in fact feel a certain way about something #this post brought to you by a lifetime of indecision and shrinking myself; I am learning to be reckless in my enthusiasm

[natjennie]

ever since I was a little girl I knew I would be ostracized from my peers and, by accident and without knowing why, cultivate a life for myself in which I don't know how to interact with other people in any capacity without being supremely uncomfortable and self-conscious.

#i just. yknow. #that thing about how peers at school knew you were autistic before you did #like i truly think everyone knew something was different and wrong with me just. intrinsically. #and then it became a self-fulfilling prophecy #because people didnt hang out with me so i didnt learn people skills #so now i dont know how to have friends and am really bad at it because i never learned #so now social situations are always uncomfortable and i dont want to put myself in them and no one wants to interact with the girl- #who's just sitting there not saying anything with the resting heart rate of a shaking chihuahua.

[tshortik]

I had some really lovely asks about the short Essek fancomic from a while ago, that I have already answered privately, but I just wanted to thank all those who sent me those heartwarming thoughts – they were so appreciated. <3

I am mentally in a really tough spot since a few months now and it's very difficult for me to stay positive, be productive and not feel exhausted. Art is really difficult right now because I barely have any mental energy left for it and more often than not I end up feeling like what I create is really pointless and meaningless, but the occasional kind interactions really make my day and I am super thankful for them.

If I didn't answer, I probably haven't thought of a good reply that seems worthy, but I read all the asks, comments and the (lovely and silly) tags that people put under my art, so thank you. 💜

#i talk sometimes #personal #there are so many projects i would like to work on right now but i am mentally too exhausted for them unfortunately #i need to also learn how to convince myself that i have something worthy to say with my art #regardless of how isolating it feels #but it's a journey and i hope i'll get there soon i guess

[moe-broey]

One thing they don't tell you about the Senshi tulpa that WILL inevitably manifest in your mind to tell you to eat better is that. Every time I make myself a coffee via kuerig instantly, I can hear him. Lamenting the fact that I have become so accustomed to convenience and ease that even a standard coffee machine has become foreign to me. I am thinking about how to make coffee without use of a machine in the first place, I am wondering where my french press went, I can see him. In my mind. Showing me how to make coffee in The Dungeon. Dungeon Coffee.

#dungeon meshi #i'll allow this one to be set free into the wild. i think the world needs to know. #i really love senshi's character too how like. it's easy to feel guilty too if you aren't doing something 'the right way' #and despite him being very set in his ways he manages to alleviate that specific guilt #just by being senshi about it. i have never wanted to learn how to cook. too much work/too many steps #i like instant/ease bc that means i can devote myself completely to the things i AM passionate about #but senshi will manifest in your mind to tell you. you need nourishment to do that #he is just as passionate and detailed about it as i am my art. all i ever want to do is art. esp traditional art #which i think almost feels similar. to magic (digital) vs non-magic (traditional mediums) #each takes a very specific set of skills. one 'feels' easier than the other but a lot Does go into it (digital) #and there is an ease of access esp sharing wise. but i am autistic about the medium itself #yes sometimes i have to wait a day to even share my stuff cause the sun went down #yes there's less ways you can take shortcuts. you have to do Everything by hand #but that's what i love about it. espppp blending my pencils. #but going back i do not have that same level of interest (not even NEARLY) for anything that Isn't related to art #it's like. i really don't WANT to .... but senshi ...... makes me think about it. #senshi

[dawnthefluffyduck]

hey that's not supposed to be out there (uploaded wrong version at first haha whoops)

#not supposed to be that color either #i wonder who that belongs to #i had a very vague meaning for this in mind but saying it would spoil the fun #christ this took me forever #i wanted to do a quick project to give myself a break from my final #but accidentally made an entirely new kind of nightmare #BUT i can proudly say that i am very proud of this despite how long it took me #alrighty this blog is all about tracking progress so my thought on this; #it's not really as energetic as i had hoped to make it so i think that's the biggest technical issue i have with this #i'll try to get back to doing more gestures soon as a way to help with that #i think my shadows are a bit confusing too #i'm looking at it now and his glasses kinda taper off into the void of his fur bc i didnt mark the shadow along the left of his ear #but the thought of digging back through layers to fix it and blending that mess in is giving me a headache so i'm content with leaving it #i think i learned a lot about light and reflections though #my shadows aren't the greatest but i had so much fun rendering the glasses #and the glow of the soul pushed me to think about bounce light a lot more #figuring out how to make the colors look like they were glowing was a whole separate issue #i did it in the last big ralsei drawing i did but not nearly to this extent #i won't be doing something this large for a while after this but i'll keep trying to work on the things i didn't like about this #i think i'm gonna start putting my self-crit in the tags from now on #it really does bulk up the posts and it's hard to scroll past #i like reflecting on my work like this though #i've been able to draw a lot more since i've started doing it because it helps me create specific goals for myself #lets me keep pushing myself while still having fun with my art #ralsei #deltarune #deltarune fanart