#it’s a shitty and untenable situation all around | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bestworstcase · 1 year

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Do you think part of the series going forward will be Oz recognizing that he was wrong in some cases when it came to Salem? Bc I don’t think the story will end with just a big fight bc, Ruby as our simple soul protagonist does like to try to talk things out. I can see a scene where she and Salem are in a void space and it’s a lot of talking. It a redemption bc in her quest to free herself Salem did eventually… start killing people on purpose which we can’t really talk away haah. But there can be more than one victim in this kind of situation. While many of Oz were plagued with Salem, your post reiterates that she didn’t start as this evil person. She was trapped and used whatever she could to free herself. It’s hard to call someone pure evil at the time of them being abused which is why I love this show. Bc Salem is the villain of their story but the victim of her own and parts of Oz and all of this can be true at once. I don’t think Oz and Salem will get back together in the end but I wonder how it Will end. Peace for Oz would be Evil Dalem no longer being in the world so his mission to Stop Her would be fulfilled. (A shitty mission considering the god of light didn’t say at the time she was an Evil Immortal bc they literally made her immortal). But what does Salem want. What does Oz Actually want outside of what has been driving him? If Salem came to him eons ago and swore to not hurt anyone would that be enough? Bc he’s trapped here by magical curse to so years of Salem being dormant didn’t lift the curse. What does peace look like for them I wonder. And will the show explore Salem’s side of things and what she’s hoping to do

hot take

i don’t think ruby is going to be the inciting force behind any character’s villain -> hero arc, and especially not cinder’s or salem’s; ruby does try to talk things out when she believes her opponent is reasonable, but a) she’s never succeeded, b) she categorically does not engage with salem or salem’s allies as if they are reasonable people, and c) knowing the painful histories that shaped them into the people they are now does not change ruby’s outlook whatsoever, because she’s now had months to think about what jinn showed them and the only conclusion she’s come to is that salem can be stopped because she’s failed before.

i do expect ruby to undergo a shift in her thinking here over the course of v9, but i don’t think it will be as profound as ruby losing her pragmatism altogether. i think she’s just going to come out of this more willing to reserve judgment about whether or not someone needs to be put down by force.

what interests me so much about the potential for both salem and cinder turning around is that all the set-up for it is happening in-house, so to speak, in the changing dynamic of their relationship with each other and the untenable tension between their external goals and inner motivations; moreover rwby has been very clear and very consistent about portraying destruction as a force for change and creation without destruction as static to its own detriment, so thematically there’s solid grounds for thinking the first overture of peace will actually come from SALEM, not ruby or ozma or anyone else on the heroic side. and perhaps worth noting in that regard is that salem has been shown to be much more flexible strategically and operationally and tactically than anyone on the heroic side—so if she gets to a point where negotiating with her opponents looks like a more viable method of pursuing what she wants she’s going to be a lot more willing to scrap her original plans and take a risk on reaching out than they are.

(also i think for ozma there’s a lot more at stake, emotionally, in challenging his basic perceptions of salem—because if she is reasonable, if she is just a person, then he has to start reckoning with questions like “did she actually lie and manipulate me or did i take advantage of her trust?” and “does she maybe have a point about the god i’ve been loyally serving for thousands of years?” and—well just look at how he reacted when confronted after the lost fable. for ozma reconciling with salem means shattering some pretty fundamental beliefs about himself, and i don’t think that’s true for salem. so there’s less of an emotional barrier for her to make the first move.)

there’s also

this beat from 6.4 which i circle back around to a lot because 1. a lot of what happens in the salem half of this episode is a coda or counterpoint to the way jinn told her story in the preceding episode, and this moment of tangible regret and weariness when the mask drops pretty directly contradicts ozma’s perception (as relayed by jinn) of who salem is; and 2. salem is not happy about the choices she makes. performing for her inner circle the way she does before this beat happens emotionally exhausts her, and she expressly keeps going only because she can’t imagine an alternative path forward and the idea of giving up is intolerable; “and so we must… press on.”

this matters because it suggests the obstacle preventing the resolution of conflict is not that salem is an unreasonable egomaniac or drunk on her own power and acting out violent impulses of pure destruction, as her opponents (and most of the fandom 🙄) believe; it’s that she doesn’t believe she has any other choice, and if we put that into context with everything else we know about her—from the girl who threw pleas for help out of her window and then watched helplessly as hundreds of people died in her name, to being made the divine scapegoat and blamed for the murder of the planet, to her own partner rejecting her without even giving her a chance to explain herself, to thousands of years on the margins of civilization because everyone who knows of her believes she’s either a monster or a god or an unstoppable force of nature—it feels pretty obvious that the reason salem believes that is because no one has ever really listened to her or been there for her, ultimately not even ozma.

and that’s not a problem that any of her opponents are anywhere close to being able to grasp—whereas there is a character standing in the perfect position with the perfect mindset to rekindle salem’s hope, and that character is cinder, and in v8 a major narrative focus was on the… shifting dynamic between salem and cinder… so the set up feels to me very much like it’s headed in that direction.

also something something “even the smallest spark of hope is enough to ignite change, breathe fire into the hearts of the weary,” something something cinder is the key to salem’s victory, something something, uh, a cinder is a spark and—

—the writing is on the wall yeah?

anyway rwby’s approach to villain -> hero arcs generally is not redemptive in nature but rather centered around atonement, and within that framework it is obviously more important to allow salem (and cinder) to be in situations where they are no longer killing people than it is to punish or forgive them for having killed people in the past; the dead cannot be saved but the future can be made better and safer for the living. emerald has also killed people but when she jumped ship the trajectory was towards integrating her into the group as an ally, not on interrogating her past misdeeds. (that said i half expect for salem’s villain -> hero arc to involve some revelations that she is not, in fact, as heinous as she has been made out to be—specifically i think summer is alive and working for salem fully in possession of her free will and that salem’s attention and efforts since the murderdivorce have largely been focused on working out a viable plan to tackle the gods rather than 24/7 conspiring against ozma.)

which is to say i think that once the immediate problem of salem’s resignation is overcome the turnaround will occur pretty fast, and likewise on the heroic side once initial reservations about whether they can trust her offer of truce are overcome the narrative focus will move swiftly to making the new alliance work vs redressing all of the bloodshed.

i do also want to highlight though that ozma’s mandate is not to stop salem—that’s something he began to fixate on as a goal, but what he’s actually supposed to be doing is uniting humanity in service of the god of light and then ushering in the day of judgment so that humankind can be either restored to wholeness in the eyes of the gods or exterminated once and for all. irrespective of whether or not salem made an oath of pacifism or not, she would still stand in the way of the mandate because she hates the gods. her violence isn’t the problem for ozma’s agenda—her defiance is. in the course of negotiating peace he will have to finally confront that and reject the divine mandate altogether, and i’m quite certain that that’s what will happen because rwby has, um, not been subtle about the god of light being the true villain of the piece. i’ve said this before but salem’s villain -> hero arc is also an ozma apostasy arc, you can’t have one without the other.

(my read on ozma generally is that he… knows that, deep down, and he’s been trying desperately not to look at it for thousands of years because he’s terrified of what it would mean to admit that salem is right in her view of the god he serves.)

as for what he actually wants… i mean, we know that. he wants to be with salem. that’s the whole reason he came back, and then he felt obligated to keep his word and tried for years to do both by deceiving salem about what he truly intended to accomplish, with catastrophic results, and… since then he’s spent lifetimes convincing himself that everything bad that happens to him is because salem is pulling the strings and the school he built was an exact replica of the castle he rescued her from when they first met and his office was in her bedroom akdhfnsg like he is completely obsessed with her. whether he still wants to be with her romantically is an open question but given the tone of until the end i wouldn’t exactly be surprised; at the very least i think in his heart of hearts he wants to be at peace with her and freed from the burden of the mandate (+reincarnation curse) preventing that from happening.

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barebonesblonde · 2 months

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The Real Vampires

I just discovered that my pain medication is missing -- I have no proof, but there's only one person here who would have taken it, and that's "Saorsie", aka "K". My fucking addict roommate, the woman who calls me her "sister". I'm done with that moniker, that woman is no sister of mine.

She's a thief, an addict, and a liar.

I told my friend J, and the woman who truly is like my sister, S, about it when I discovered the pills -- 200 of them -- were missing, and they both said the same thing; that stealing someone's pain medication is the lowest of the low. An evil act. When I saw they were missing, I broke down in tears. Because of the betrayal, because of the financial loss, because I'm just so fucking exhausted with her bullshit, of having to put up with the shit she does, the damage she does, and having to take it, and be "understanding", because she's an addict, and it's an illness, and we're all supposed to be empathetic and just deal with it.

Meanwhile, I have nothing for my pain, which is very real, and not some bullshit addict pain. And I have to go into my writing money, which is not much, and I'm not sure when I'll get another assignment, in order to pay for some Kratom in order to manage.

I'm so depressed, and exhausted, with everything. I want out of this place, but I have nowhere to go. I'm too sick to work, I have nowhere to go, without seriously being a burden on another person. I don't know how long it will take to get disability, and meanwhile I am here with this fucking evil woman who steals the pills that make my existence at least somewhat bearable.

I've not been this close to just giving up in years. I see no way out. I'm tired of being in pain, I'm tired of being in a situation where I have to live with a woman like K, who will fuck anyone over, who will freak out and be abusive towards the people who feed her and put a roof over her head because she won't take her meds, who will steal, and take advantage, and I have no say in the matter...where can I go?

My health keeps me in a cage. And there isn't any way out.

I have to find some social service agency that can help me -- if I don't, I don't know what I can do, because I can't go on like this.

This situation is untenable. And I can't take it much longer. I moved in here to do the right thing for Joe, to help him with chemo, and he's asked me to not move out because he says I'm keeping him alive -- and I don't want to abandon him...but what about my own life? What about my sanity? I can't live with her any longer. I'll lose my mind. And he won't ever kick her out. He doesn't see that keeping her here just enables her shitty behavior, and she'll never, ever stop using and stealing and the rest of it as long as there are never any consequences to her actions. Why should she stop as long as she has a free place to live, free food, and never has to lift a finger around here?

It's impossible. And I'm getting sicker by the day because of the stress, and nobody gives a shit. It's all about her.

I can't take it.

Nobody ever talks about the unkind -- perhaps even "evil" thoughts the victims of addicts have about them, but I'm not a fucking coward, so I'll say it; I more and more often wish she'd just OD and put us all out of our misery. And if that makes me a bad person, then so be it. Because the shit she puts all of us through is the real evil, here, and I'm so sick of it, and I'm sick of the person it's turning me into. I'm sick of how it makes me wish evil on her, and I'm sick of how she just takes and takes, and I'm sick of the harm she causes, every day.

I am in real, serious pain, because of her. Physical pain, and also psychological, as well as emotional pain. I cry every fucking day because I'm so depressed, and feel so hopeless.

Sometimes, I wish I were fucking dead. And that is unacceptable. So I wish she would just OD already and get it overwith, because she's never going to change. She's almost 50 years old, and she's killing us along with herself. So just get it overwith, already, and let us all go.

She's a vampire, and she's sucking the life out of everyone she touches, and I'm done with her.

#addiction #mental health #chronic illness #relationships

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avegetariancannibal · 4 years

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October 9: dream log

Dreamed a vague takeoff of the Old Guard in that I was part of a team of immortal people except they recruited us before we died the first time, and we worked as a sort of… gig economy detective agency?? But ALSO we had regular day jobs we had to work in addition to this//??

And I was like… why would we do this?? Is the economy so bad that a group of immortal kick ass beings have to still work multiple jobs?? God what a horror. Live a thousand years and still deal with shitty customers.

Also everyone was sort of a different character. (I have not yet seen the Old Guard but I know the basics from being on tumblr.) Nicky was called Marty or Munchie (?!!!??) people alternated, and he was a professor on top of his immortal job. Joe was a porn star, like super famous in a Colby Keller way, and also a detective. They were not in a relationship together and I remember being mad at my brain for the straightwashing.

There was another new recruit whose daytime job was being an internet personality, and it was Brittany Broski, aka Kombucha Girl.

For some reason we worked out of an old diner that was still operational, like customers still came in while we were trying to solve our cases. Did one of us run it? Maybe? I was upset that Andy or Nile didn’t seem to be there.

One day we were going over notes for a case when I noticed a bunch of bears in the parking lot. I love bears so part of me was happy but also a little upset because the biggest bear decided to take the tires off my car. None of us could leave, because the bears were milling around.

And I’m like aren’t we immortal can’t we just go and scare off the bears since it’s not a big deal if they maul us to death

But apparently it’s a bad idea to come back to life when you’re partially in a bear’s digestive tract so we all just sat around. Waiting. Customers couldn’t leave, either.

It seemed as if we lived in the storage part of the diner, in bunk beds??

We decided to just go to sleep and wait out the bears but Munchie (?!?!?) wanted to talk to me. He said he had a crush on another professor at his university and didn’t know how to tell her. Also he thought she wouldn’t like him because he was so serious and dour all the time. I was like hell if she doesn’t bang you I will. But he only thought of me as a little sister, and brought me a blanket and a bullet proof vest and a dog toy from the thrift store. We did not have a dog around.

I talked to Brittany about it and she said she also thought of me as a little sister, and I reminded her I was older than her. She just laughed and said it was our turn to go deal with “the alien.”

In the kitchen part of the diner there was living one of those “grey” aliens, except he was like… Benedict Cumberbatch colored and not gray. Maybe it just was Benedict Cumberbatch? And he wore a half-slip like the kind you wear under a sheer skirt, but he wore ONLY the slip and for reasons undisclosed to me, he had to keep it damp at all times.

I don’t know how we were supposed to “deal with” him but Brittany put some little wooden mouse traps around him and I figured that was it, so we left.

I wanted to drive to the grocery store, the next morning, but the bears were still there. Customers were still coming into the diner but nobody could leave. Like how did you get past the bears to come in but now you can’t leave because of the bears?? Why weren’t we calling some kind of wildlife animal rescue people??

I saw that a lot of cars outside had been put up on platforms. Had the bears done it? For what purpose. The largest, oldest bear had a swollen red eye and flies on his head, so thanks for that, VP debate. By then he had taken the rest of the tires off my car.

Then the bears started coming into the diner. Mostly just the cubs, which was cute, but I found the situation pretty untenable… I was exasperated. This wasn’t what I expected out of being immortal.

I decided to try to swim out for rescue.

SWIM OUT?? WHAT??

There was a grotto accessible by the kitchen. (The Cumberalien hadn’t moved so the mouse traps must have worked.) I dived down into it and swam through the cave. I meant to swim to the sea, but wound up swimming deeper into the cave.

I encountered a shark at the very end of the cave who was either a robot or somehow genetically enhanced. She transferred peace and nice thoughts into my mind telepathically.

Then I woke up.

#dreams #my dreams #the old guard #brittany broski #benedict cumberbatch

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marinaaniseed · 5 years

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Dark ‘n’ Stormy: Pt. 2

We have a title.

A/N: No full-on fucking, but plenty of smut. Honestly, I would NOT show this to my mother. Half the length of the last one, so I’m getting *slightly* better at being concise. Does contain promiscuity, self-loathing and self-esteem issues. Picks up exactly where Pt.1 left off.

Why were you so bothered by him? You’d done plenty of fucking and sucking during the post-snap years, taking what you wanted and giving nothing of yourself in return. Running away to the next town, the next shitty job when anybody got too close for comfort. You’d loved and you’d lost and you didn’t want to go through that again, ever.

But that feeling in your stomach wasn’t yesterday’s beer.

It was something worse.

It was actual feelings, emotions.

You liked him. Not in a purely platonic way, and not in a purely lustful way. You weren’t sure you had the strength for this but you had to address it, whatever this was, or your employment situation would rapidly become untenable. Just as a wound will fester if it’s left, skirted flirtations and unsaid feelings tend to poison a relationship. Especially when the feelings are one-sided. Time to be brave, be bold. Rip the plaster off quickly before the pain can set in.

You finished lolling on the bed, flinging yesterday’s clothes back on. You’d worry about a change of underwear later. Thor was already in position, fixated by his game, so you moved past him and headed straight to the kitchen. You ripped open the box of frosted strawberry Pop-Tarts, shoving them in the toaster. If Thor was paying any attention to you, he’d probably wonder what you were angry about. You weren’t angry, or at least only angry at your own heart for being a little traitor. You were a tightly wound coil of nervous energy. The toaster couldn’t pop up quick enough. When it finally did, you startled a little. Oh, for fuck’s sake, you thought to yourself. Get a grip, you’re not 12. You threw the sugary snacks onto a plate and began your advance.

Thor finally noticed you when you were around a foot away.

“Good morning, y/n,” he said, removing a hand from the controller to take the plate from you.

The movement of his arm was enough to give you an opening. You slid past his outstretched hand and onto his lap, straddling his thick thighs.

“Wh-what are you doing?” he asked, as you placed the Pop-Tarts on the arm of the settee.

Good question, you thought. If you go for a hat-trick of startling Thor into swift escapes, you’re going to go flying. It was an odd dichotomy thinking about how this gentle giant, who only displayed kindness and shyness to you, could if he wanted, send you hurtling into the next room without breaking a sweat.

“We need to talk,” you said, holding onto the back of the settee, one hand either side of Thor’s head.

“About what?”

“I know you caused that storm on purpose to keep me here last night.”

You tried to meet his gaze but he couldn’t look at you. He was ashamed that you’d caught him so easily.

“I’m not angry, if you want me to stay, you can just ask. What I want to know is this: what is going on? Because it looks like you want to be more than just my friend but then you run away whenever I initiate contact.”

“I…” Thor can’t find any words to say. His cheeks feel hot, they must be the same shade as his cape. He could get out of this situation if he wanted to but apparently, his body doesn’t want him to, so it just stays there, rooted to the cushions he wishes would swallow him whole. Over a thousand years old and he’s completely flummoxed by a Midgardian woman sitting on his lap.

“I don’t think you’d want me,” he eventually forces out.

“What makes you say that?”

His only response is a vague gesture, controller still in hand, to his stomach.

“I’m not going to beat about the bush unless that’s what you’re into,” you say with a smirk. “You’re hot and I want to make out with you. But if that’s not what you want, that’s fine.”

Thor finally looks up at you. You don’t think you’ve ever seen someone look so confused. It’s like your words have short-circuited his brain. He’s just frozen, eyes wide, mouth slightly agape.

This was not the reaction you’d hoped for. It’s neither a yes nor a no. You decide to try a different approach.

Your hands move down to the hem of your top, pulling it up and over your head before you discard it on the rug at Thor’s feet.

“You don’t have to do this, y/n,” he says, trying to look anywhere but at your breasts. He knows he won’t be able to contain his arousal and you’re practically sat on top of it already.

“I know I don’t. I’m doing it because I want to. I want you to look, I want you to feel me.” Your hands return to their grip on the back of the settee. You lean forward, arching your back so that the end of his braided beard is tickling your skin just above the edge of your bra cups.

Thor lets out a small, frustrated noise. You’re making this hard for him, in more ways than one. Yes, he wants to look at you, to feel you, to kiss you. But the fear is there, that despite what you’ve said, you’ll somehow find him lacking. It takes all of his strength to squash that thought and turn his face to you. Or more accurately, to your cleavage.

His nose settles between your breasts. He closes his eyes and settles there. You’re warm and welcoming, he can hear your heart hammering away as hard as his own. You smell faintly of oakwood absolute from the bath yesterday and he inhales deeply, trying to calm himself. You loop a hand into his hair, trying to encourage him to keep going. He finally lets go of the controller and moves his hands to your hips to steady you.

Thor explores gently, at first, pressing tickly kisses to your chest, inching slowly up to your collarbone. At the hollow of your neck is where his kisses become fiercer. His hands move to your back, pulling him to him, and he nips and sucks insistently at your neck. He takes your gasps and moans as approval, biting hard on both sides before moving up to your ears. His hot breath makes you gasp his name and sends a shiver down your spine. You can feel the hairs on your bare arms standing on end. You bring the hand not in his hair to cup his chin, guiding him towards your lips.

His facial hair is scratchy and a little tickly, but you don’t care. You’re glad to finally be making that connection. His lips are soft, pink and plump, like marshmallows, and just as sweet. Your tongue tests the seam of his lips and he lets you in, taking you deeply. It’s been a long time since you experienced a kiss like this, potent with passion from both sides. Thor is running his hands along your back, pressing you into him with a sense of urgency. Your hands are wandering, caressing his cheek and pulling his hair. He returns the favour, lacing his fingers through your locks, pressing you into him. The kisses are getting sloppy and you don’t care. Thor unclips your bra with surprising deftness.

You pull away from him and shrug the straps off, exposing yourself to him. The t-shirt bra, worn for comfort rather than seduction joins your top on the floor.

A rumbling growl escapes his lips as he takes you in. He knows he should feel a bit ashamed of the state he’s left your neck, the deep damson red mottling your skin like a series of wine stains. But he can’t feel ashamed, not now. He grabs hold of your thighs and stands up, carrying you like you weigh nothing. The plate of Pop-Tarts crashes to the floor.

You wrap yourself around him as best you can, you know he can support you but it’s instinctual to grip his sides with your thighs, limbs tangling up him like vines climbing up an oak.

He lowers you gently onto the bed and lays down beside you, the tip of his nose touching yours. Neither of you wants to make the first move. You’re making progress and you don’t want to ruin it. Thor, for his part, isn’t sure how to proceed. He wants to take you but he doesn’t want to hurt you. He’s changed since the last time he was intimate with another.

You giggle at him and give him a swift peck, bringing him back to the here and now. Your hand slips down to his crotch and you’re pleased to find him already hard. Pleased and a little concerned. Your quip about men with big feet appears to be true. You run your hand up and down over his jogging bottoms. He gasps in surprise and pulls you to him for another kiss. You increase the pressure on his erection incrementally until he can’t stand it any longer.

“I need to get out of these damn clothes,” he huffed, yanking down the constricting garments and freeing his hard-on.

“Fuck me,” you gasped as you caught a glimpse of it. This was by no means the first cock you’d seen, but it was certainly the biggest. It made sense you reasoned, the rest of him was long and girthy, so why not this bit? You hoped he wasn’t the kind who thought a big dick was all you needed. That’d be a disappointment if he was a thrust-until-he-came guy, without any regard for your needs.

“Well, I mean, I think that’s the plan,” Thor laughed nervously in response.

You decided to match him and shuffled out of your jeans, hoping he hadn’t noticed how damp your knickers already were. Thor slipped off his cardigan but his top remained in place.

“C’mon Thor, let me see you. All of you,” you urged him, reaching for the hem of his top. “If I’m letting you see my thunder thighs, I should be able to see your tummy.”

“Your what? Thunder thighs?” he laughed, deflecting the conversation away from himself. Your thighs look lovely to him, he can’t wait to get between them. The little marks look like fingers of lightning but other than that, he can’t understand the reference to thunder.

“You know, chunky thighs that rub together when you walk. Look at them, they look like hams.”

“They do not. And even if they did, ham is great. It’d just make me want to eat them more.”

“You can’t eat my legs,” you laughed, tugging at his t-shirt.

“Oh? Is that so?” he smirked, diving towards your lap, biting, sucking, kissing all over your thighs. “You said they were thunder thighs. I’m the god of thunder so they’re my thighs now. And I want to eat them.”

“No, no,” you said, pushing his head away. “Not until you’re undressed.”

With a pout and a sigh, he turned around and pulled off his top, letting it drop by the side of the bed. He could see himself in the full-length mirror. He’d forgotten that even existed, having long since let it be buried under layers of dust. The only thing he’d used it for in years was for draping his cape over when he couldn’t be bothered to hang it properly. Apparently, you’d unearthed it and cleaned it up. How had he not noticed that? He supposed he was so used to everything being a mess that he’d tuned it out, didn’t even bother to look in that corner anymore.

You, too, could see him in the mirror. You saw him frown and poke himself in his soft stomach. Standing slowly, you walked in front of him to stand between him and the mirror.

“Thor. I know you don’t like what you see but I do. Let me touch you. Please?”

He grumbled a little but lay back. You still hadn’t run away so you either did find him attractive or were doing this out of pity.

You laid down next to him, stroking his hair. It was much softer than it had been before you washed it. You nuzzled into the side of his neck, nibbling and kissing at him. Not as hard as he’d done it to you, but with enough of a bite to let him know you were there. A long, drawn-out ‘Oh’ spilt from his lips, encouraging you to be rougher. Your hand moved from his hair, stroking his cheek and his neck, before landing on his chest. Spreading your fingers through the hair, you moved close to his nipple but not quite enough to arouse him, yet. He moans as you leave your mark on him, a deep bruise to rival the ones he gave you.

With sloppy kisses and sharp bites, your mouth trailed down to his chest and his pert nipples. Based on his reaction yesterday, you knew he was going to like this. You flicked your tongue over the one nearest to you, while your index finger lazily circled the other.

Thor could barely breathe. Was he dying? Was this Valhalla? He didn’t know, he just didn’t want you to stop. He hoped his breathy moans and guttural groans were letting you know just how much he was enjoying it.

The tongue on his nipple was replaced by your lips sucking, the finger circles intensifying when you changed from the pad of your finger to the tip of your nail. Just as he was beginning to get himself under control, you kicked it up a notch again. You bit his nipple just hard enough to send a jolt of pleasure and pain through him, your fingers tweaking and twisting the other.

Were all Midgardian women like this? If they were, he’d been missing out. No. Wait. Jane hadn’t been like this. He was so lost in the feel of your mouth on him, he didn’t even mind when your fingers danced away and landed on his stomach.

Your mouth soon followed, kissing all over. He hadn’t realised how sensitive his stomach was now and how good it felt as you worshipped him. He even managed to laugh as your nose dipped into his navel. You took him in hand so you could continue kissing down his soft underbelly.

Thor could barely contain himself. He could feel your hot breath against his cock as your lips pressed down everywhere but there. This was the most delightful torture, he wanted to be inside you so badly but he wasn’t going to force you to do anything. You clearly knew what you were doing and had made it your personal mission to tease him until he could no longer focus on anything else.

He parted his thighs a little as your hungry mouth travelled further down his body. One hand remained rubbing his cock, while with the other you began raking your nails down his inner thigh. Oh Norns, if he’d thought the rest of him was sensitive to your touch, he inner thigh surpassed it all. He tried to tell you that it was too much, that he couldn’t hold on, but then you started sucking a deep love bite on his thigh and that was it.

His legs trembled violently beneath you and you heard him gasping curses. You realised too late what you’d set in motion and looked up in time to see him coating his rounded tummy with cum. He was certainly a sight to behold, sticky, sweaty and smiling, covered in the marks of your affection.

You sat back and licked him off your fingers. Warm, salty, and satisfyingly savoury. Like liquid umami, it had you wanting another taste. For a moment you toyed with this idea of licking him clean, before concluding that might perturb him.

The smile soon turned to a frown, his brow furrowed as he realised quite what had happened.

“Oh Norns, I’m so sorry y/n. I’m not normally like that, you have my word. What you were doing felt so good and it’s been so long and I just couldn’t stop and…”

“Shh, shh. It’s alright,” you tried to reassure him, seeing the panic, the disappointment, in his eyes.

“But I’ve let you down…”

“No, no you haven’t. I’m pleased to have had that effect on you. We’ve got plenty of time to explore each other. For now, you look like you need a cuddle.” You moved to sit with your back to the headboard. “C’mere. Please?” You patted the bed next to you.

Thor hauled himself onto his elbows and shuffled up to you, trying not to get his spunk on the bedding. He felt ridiculous, covered in his own seed, traitorous cock resting limply against his thigh. But you’re right. He needs a cuddle. Wants a cuddle. So he rests his head on your chest and lets you wrap your arms around him. At some point, he’ll let you use him as a cushion but he’s feeling a little broken and like he’s failed you. It’s like being a teenager again and having no control over himself.

“May I ask you something?” you said, as you ran your hand down his still muscular bicep.

“Certainly.”

“How long has it been?”

“A long time. Before the snap, before Asgard fell,” he replied with a sigh. “I was too busy, trying to fight, to protect. Not that it mattered.”

“It mattered, of course it did.”

“And then since the snap, nobody’s wanted me.”

“Nobody wanted you or nobody was allowed to get close?”

“Both, I suppose. I could’ve demanded, as their king, that somebody lay with me but that’s not right. You shouldn’t force people into doing things because they think it’s their duty. I might only have one real eye, but I’m not blind. I see how people look at me. They don’t see any of the good things I’ve done. They just see a fat, stupid drunk. A joke who can’t run a bath let alone a kingdom. A failure who should’ve gone for the head.”

His voice is cracking and the tears are falling onto your breast.

“Hey, hey. It’s ok,” you try to soothe. “I know how it feels to hate yourself. I know your brain is telling you otherwise but that’s not all people think of you. It’s not what I think of you. People’s memories aren’t so short that they forget everything else you’ve done. One mistake - and it was a mistake, how were you supposed to know? - doesn’t erase everything else. You’ve done more good since you became an Avenger than most people could manage in a hundred lifetimes. I like you. Nothing I’ve seen so far has made me think anything less of you.”

“But I’m not the man I used to be,” he sniffled.

“Thor, none of us are who we used to be. That’s how we grow as people. After everything that’s happened, I’d be concerned if you hadn’t changed a bit.”

“But you know what I used to be like.”

“Only in the sense that I knew what you looked like in news footage. I didn’t know you. But I’d like to.”

You pulled him closer to you, rubbing his arm, hoping that you’re making some small dent in just how crap he feels.

“Thank you,” he mumbled after a while.

“For what?”

“For how you treated me. I’ve been so scared and ashamed to touch myself since...everything. But I really enjoyed that.”

I could tell, you thought, but had enough not common sense not to say it.

“I understand. When my depression is at its worst, I don’t have any desire to be intimate. By myself or with anyone. And if it does somehow happen, it’s just going through the motions. It doesn’t feel right.”

“Yes, but I didn’t mean just that. My whole body, how you took the time to lavish attention everywhere. Nobody’s done that before. Not even when I was attractive.”

“You’re attractive now. Honestly. I wouldn’t be here, naked on your bed if I wasn’t attracted to you.”

“Well, no. I guess not,” he admitted.

“And I’ll just have to keep smothering you with kisses until you believe me. Besides,” you added with a grin, “aren’t us mortals supposed to worship gods like you?”

This makes him laugh. A full, booming belly laugh that makes him jiggle all over.

“I think we should get you cleaned up and see if I can give you some more adoration, I think I missed some bits.”

That’s the best idea Thor’s heard in a long time.

@morganhoran1671 As promised, here it is.

#thor #Thor Odinson #fat thor #endgame thor #thicc thor #squishy thor #soft thor #chubby thor #dark 'n' stormy #reader insert #Female reader #avengers x reader #reader x thor #x reader

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noirandchocolate · 5 years

Text

Wanted to talk just a little about Gamzee as a Bard of Rage in the Epilogues.

First off, here’s the canon explanation of Rage from the Extended Zodiac website:

Those bound to the aspect of Rage are bringers of chaos. They posses great contempt for lies or false ideas, including the stability that false ideas can impart. To them, the true is far more important than the good; they would tear down a system just to destabilize it if, by their reckoning, it is built on faulty premises. Often the Rage-bound prefer anarchy to any of the alternate forms of civilization, which they believe to be riddled with lies and foolishness and obedient masses. They are bringers of confusion and doubt, and they can be frustratingly difficult to convince otherwise when they have attached themselves to an idea. If they sound dangerous, they are. The Rage-bound tend to be most volatile and unpredictable of the aspects. At their best they are original, revolutionary, and fearless. At their worst they are cruel, uncompromising, and vicious.

I also remember a really good fan-theory post where the Rage/Hope aspect pair was discussed as being about narrowing or broadening choices and possibilities. The idea was that when someone is hopeful, they can feel like the sky is the limit, that there is endless potential and myriad options for them, while when someone is full of rage they may feel like they have few options or only one choice in a situation--usually a harmful or negative one made in anger.

Then there’s the Bard class, which is paired with Prince as a “destruction/destroyer” class. Bard is the passive side, while Prince is active. Passive classes are more about inviting or inspiring things to happen, so we could say that a Bard of Rage is about “inviting/inspiring destruction through rage” or “inviting/inspiring the destruction of rage.”

So here’s a few things I noticed about Gamzee and his role as a Bard of Rage in the Candy side of the Epilogues. (Note that Gamzee is not really a God Tier despite his outfit--but god imagine if he was, holy shit.) First of all, after reading both sides I realized that Dirk violently noped out of Candy very shortly after Gamzee was de-fridged. There are plenty of reasons why Dirk did what he did that will not be discussed here, but in a meta sense it’s possible that there was only a need for one destroyer per Epilogue. There’s also the fact that both Dirk and Gamzee are “parts of Lord English”: half of Gamzee, and the Autoresponder/Lil Hal/ARquiusprite copy of Dirk, ended up fusing with Caliborn to form LE. Maybe there was only need for one “sort of part of LE” per Epilogue? ANYWAY I’m getting off track.

Next, while Dirk actively and very tenaciously influenced events in Meat, Gamzee just sort of existed disgustingly in people’s presence and nudged things certain ways, maybe without even actively having a plan to turn things to chaotic shit (although also maybe with a plan, who knows, the clown is in many ways inscrutable). Aside from proclaiming the gospel of MoThErFuCkInG rEdEmPtIoN, his influences on the story pretty much just came from him acting like his ridiculous and gross self around everyone. A Bard versus a Prince, right???

But he did have some pretty big influences nonetheless, and they were pretty Rage-y come to think about it. For one thing, he insinuated himself into Jane and Jake’s lives pretty damn hard, and was instrumental in ruining any relationship they may have had to the point where Jake was basically abused and the two’s child...well, also abused (also don’t want to go deeply into this, I’m not here to analyze Jane and Jake too hard, I’m doing Gamzee today)! Without Gamzee around, perhaps Jane would’ve been an overbearing wife or a cold mother, but with Gamzee, holy fuck. Inviting destruction through Jane’s rage, don’t you think? Inspiring “confusion and doubt” in people like Jake and Lil Tavros, right?

Keeping on that track with Jane, her political actions in Candy are so much worse than in Meat, and I don’t think that’s only because things progressed through so many more years in Candy (although granted that’s just my speculation). Gamzee knew how to push her buttons by calling her a xenophobe and declaring she’d be “canceled” over certain remarks about troll reproduction. Which, if you take the view of Rage being an aspect of narrowing choices...really could be said to be a subtle forcing of Jane’s hand. If she hadn’t been so pissed off, maybe she could’ve seen more clearly and not thought the only choices on the issue were all-or-nothing and that “do nothing” was such an untenable position that it wasn’t really a choice at all. I really don’t think it’s a mistake that a Rage player, canonically a chaos-bringer, was instrumental in Jane’s descent into being “Trump-Hitler.” Although again, it could be argued it would’ve happened anyway, maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad or maybe at some point she would’ve realized what she was doing was evil rather than just “practical” or however she justified it. Things were peaceful on Earth C, and maybe politics could’ve stayed more or less stabilized. But definitely not with a Bard of Rage hanging around such a key player.

Keeping on with the narrowing of choices concept, in Candy we saw a lot of characters doing things “because they just thought they should,” even if those things weren’t all in themselves wholly negative and even if some people were later just as happy with their choices. Right after Gamzee showed up, Roxy just kind of decided then and there that they “should be” with John, and then went through a lengthy period of just kind of doing that and feeling unable to stand up for themself or their own desires, choices, identity, etc. In contrast, in Meat they felt empowered to explore their gender, for example. Even though in Candy they much later say they’re happy as a woman with she/her pronouns and enjoyed being pregnant and a mom and all that (so it’s possible that in the Meat timeline they also might’ve come to that conclusion in time--or not!) the fact that in the timeline where Gamzee existed they felt more pushed into not even considering other options is interesting. There’s also the Dave/Jade/Karkat mess, and how in Candy Dave felt a lot more pushed into just going along and being with Jade exclusively despite honestly really wanting to be with Karkat. There’s some other examples too but this post is getting really long. Again, while obviously not everything is All About Gamzee, or actively his fault (I don’t think he really had anything much to do with any of these people other than declaring his redemption to them), his passive existence in this timeline...hm!

Finally (or finally all I can think of right now) there’s the fact that Gamzee seemed able to extinguish a lot of people’s rage or disgust toward him simply by proclaiming the “truth” of redemption. Now, we all know that someone just saying sorry and suddenly “being redeemed” is a load of shit and a lame fandom trope used to woobify villains (hell plenty of people did and probably still do this with Gamzee himself--his “apology” speech contained a LOT of stuff very common in the earlier fandom when his shittiness was a little less...obvious and enduring). Rage players are, according to the above quoted description, supposed to be all about eradicating lies and falsehoods, so what’s going on here? Well, Gamzee is full of shit! Maybe he honestly believes he is redeemed and others should try to be redeemed in the same bullshit way--so his proclamations of this as an ultimate, religious Truth make sense. Or maybe he knows it’s a lie but is just being the manipulative, destructive clown his Class points to: a destroyer. What better way to insinuate himself into society than by forming some kind of redemption cult, preaching about something he knows is a lie but a useful one? Ultimately a destructive one, because it destroys chances for real redemption while letting people’s destructive tendencies go by unquestioned because “you can always just say sorry and be redeemed.” And in doing so he makes many people just sort of accept his gross, unseemly behavior and stop being mad at him. People believe this nonsense. Gamzee effectively destroys the rage they might’ve otherwise felt toward him by acting pathetic and contrite when it’s convenient for him, and thus makes himself more able to not only stay alive, but thrive and invite all the destruction mentioned above.

Ultimately it doesn’t work on a few people. Karkat, Gamzee’s former moirail, sees right through it all. Jane is an exception to not showing rage to Gamzee because he’s using her in a different way as discussed before: tl;dr baiting her into hating him in a sexy way is part of his chaos-bringing ways. He tries the same thing with (Vriska) and succeeds for a few minutes but then she just straight up murders him. Which makes sense, because Vriska. Why would any Vriska allow herself to be manipul8ted for long? As a Light player, of course she could see through his bullshit (Light is a knowledge-based aspect) and would want him gone. She’s a Thief of Light, for goodness’ sake, of course she’d steal his “luck” in being able to influence so many people and stay alive despite being so contemptible, and his “relevance” in inspiring so much of the Candy storyline. She’s Vriska, she thinks she should be the only star of the show!

Anyway I’m NOT DOING VRISKA TODAY I was supposed to just be doing Gamzee, and that’s what I have to say about Gamzee, the Bard of Rage, on this particular day!

#kidk says stuff #homestuck #homestuck spoilers #homestuck epilogues

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byz-antium · 6 years

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Would you be willing to do fae/faer floral pronouns as well?

Hey! So these two asks and some other stuff in the notes of this series are a good opportunity to talk about something that i’ve been trying to find a way to articulate -

(Bolded below are the TLDR answers, essentially)

The thing about pronouns is that there are a lot of them, and though I want to be as inclusive and have as much coverage as possible, there are too many of them for me to do, just full stop.

I absolutely adore that people are finding pronouns that truly fit them that they are comfortable and happy with that fall outside of conventional, traditional ones, and I am truly honoured that you’d choose to include me in the presentation of these pronouns, but there are so many.

I started off with She/Her, He/Him and They/Them because they’re all very widely used and cover a lot of people - not all, obviously, but enough of a proportion that it made sense for me to work on them. And even then, even my own pronouns aren’t entirely covered in the above - I’m primarily they/them, but also prefer the mixed pronouns generally?

And yeah, I’m not finished with this project yet - She/They, He/They and They/She/He are in all still the works, but unfortunately, with cons/freelancing/small business ownership as well as my full time job, the backlog of other projects that I have and Shitty Depression Motivational Downturns, maybe not for a while? And this is really unfortunate - I really love this project and I want to continue it as soon as possible, but I have some other obligations that are slightly more time sensitive?

So yes, second anon, I will be doing mixed pronouns, but they’re probably going to be rolling out around the end of october but probably later because Inktober is a month that is a study in hubris and folly for me.

And like - each of those pieces, with all of the floral detail, hand typography, colouring, formatting, all of that, took a least 10 hours each? With they/them, which is longer, that was easily a 15 to 20 thing. That’s a big chunk of time, and in the thick of conventions season, with a bunch of stuff to prep and fanart to finish, - and this next part will sound mercenary, so skip over it if the unfortunate reality of freelance artist having to also be business owners and the monetization of art is something you don’t want to deal with or approve of - i can’t afford to do a piece that I’m unsure of the potential visibility for. Not to say that i’m an omnipotent god and can see what will and won’t be popular, or that I’m doing stuff purely for visibility or whatever, or that certain pronouns aren’t popular enough for me to do or whatever, but i have a hard enough time finishing things to have to really think about the stuff I can put the time and energy into. And this was a passion project for me, essentially - something I’d wanted to do for a while that wasn’t fanart that like i allowed myself to like, indulge in that I had to take time out of other stuff for, and I really don’t regret it, i build time into stuff for that, but like, this took time and therefore money.

Commercial viability is the least fun and least heartfelt meter by which to decide what gets time and energy, but how capitalism has necessitated these things work, unfortunately.

I also like doing series of works, generally, as anyone who’s followed me for like more than two minutes can tell you, but I also feel that there’s a cap on how long a collection of art should go. I don’t super enjoy like - sitting in project or series for too long, and this one isn’t an exception to that? I think in the main collection of this series is going to be He/Him, She/Her, They/Them, He/They/, She/They and She/He/Them and that’s probably it? Parring it down to just six pronouns was hard enough, but i think that’s all i’m going to be able to finish without taking just an untenable amount of time to do them.

That being said, however, if I am given the resources to make time for it, and a guaranteed incentive is given for other pronouns to happen, like, say, someone commissioning me to do so (they can theoretically email me at khavytran(@)gmail.com if they’re interested), I would be entirely willing. Like I said, it’s all really mercenary-sounding, but ultimately necessary to me running my business in a way that is profitable and putting food on my family’s table.

That was a very longwinded way to answer these question, but: yes, I would be willing to do fae/faer floral pronouns and any other ones, but someone would have to commission me to do them.

Again, this was really long, and thank you for bearing with me if you’re still reading, but I really wanted to convey where I was coming from for all of this in a way that was like - clear and not dismissive or flip? I’m like - just honoured generally that this series seems to be something that people are enjoying and I really appreciate the interest and support everyone’s shown me, y’all are fucking fantastic, but unfortunately the situation we find ourselves in and the stipulations that go with it aren’t always ideal. I just really wanted to make very clear I wasn’t ignoring anyone or purposefully leaving people out and I feel like an explanation is owed in situations like this.

But thank you so much for your support and interest, these anons in particular, but all of you generally!

#Anonymous #taking care of byz-ness #replies

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echodrops · 6 years

Text

The Promises I Made (2017-2018)

For the past eleven years, I have spent every New Year’s Eve compiling a list of fifty promises I intend to keep or fulfill over the next twelve months. The results have been truly amazing, and I have kept some promises I never thought I could. This year, for New Year’s, there will be a new set of promises for to me keep, but here are the old ones, for review!

The Promises I Made (2017 edition)

1) I will get a(nother) new job. Or probably just curl up and die. Status: Kept! I got a new job and moved to Texas. 2) I will translate at least one more month’s worth of Regenkatze. Status: Broken. T_T I did a few pages, but I didn’t get far. 3) I will repot all my plants that need repotting. Finally. Status: Kept, amazingly. 4) I will buy actual freakin’ curtains that I like for my house, RAWR. Status: Broken. I bought no curtains this year. D; 5) I will continue to utilize Plant Nanny to track my water intake and keep myself from getting dehydrated. Status: Broken. I was okay at the beginning of the year, but then the usage dwindled. 6) I will complete at least one craft project that requires me to utilize a new skill, like working with a new material. Status: Broken. I didn’t do anything really crafty this year… too busy moving. 7) I will repair the mortar on the fence out front and seal the bricks on the window sills. Status: Broken—ditto the above. Moved out and wasn’t able to really keep any of these promises about my Utah house. 8) I will finish at least 26 books over the course of this year. Status: …I read a lot of fanfiction. A lot. But not too many new published books. Made it to maybe ten counting the readings I had to do for World Lit class but other than that, nothing close to 26. 9) I will trim the grape vine and call the city to see about cleaning out behind the house because the water culvert is flooding into my yard and jeopardizing my garage. Status: Actually kept! It needs to be trimmed again, but yes, I was able to trim it down and keep it from flooding. 10) I will successfully pass Horsemanship II. Status: Kept. 11) I will broaden my music tastes this year by getting into at least three new bands that I have never heard of or in genres that I don’t normally listen to. Status: Kept! I got into a few new K-pop bands and also Spellblast. 12) I will do the laundry at least once every two weeks. I swear it!! Status: Uh… Somewhat kept? At the new house in Texas I have to wear nicer clothes to work so I have to do laundry more often, but I don’t know about at least once every two weeks… 13) I will finish my new Anime Expo costume early and not wait until the last moment! Status: Broken—I didn’t cosplay at all this year. D; 14) I will remove all the rocks from in front of my house because they are hella ugly. Status: Broken; see above about moving out of Utah and no longer being able to work on the Utah house much. 15) I will go to a dentist and get Invisalign or some work done to fix my front left tooth. Status: Broken. I swapped jobs and had to wait for my benefits to restart and then by that time it wasn’t a good time to get dental work done. 16) I will have at least a once weekly “game night” with my roommates. Could be fun. Status: Broken… I think that um… we played a few times. 17) I will replace the battery in my watch, finally. Status: Kept! 18) I will pay off at least half my credit card debt. Important adult thing, yo. Status: Broken, sooooo broken. T_T It just got worse, not better. D; 19) I will learn at least 100 new words in German and document them as I go to keep them fresh in my memory. Status: Broken. I totally forgot that I even made this promise… 20) I will keep up with my new book club as long as it is possible for me to attend (I.e., if I don’t move). Status: Kept. The book club kinda fell apart pretty quick, but I kept up with it until it did. 21) I will be better about walking my dog because I have been slacking lately. Status: Broken, I’m so sorry Kinguin… It’s sooo hot in Texas. 22) I will build a new PC to replace the desktop computer that my dog destroyed. SLFSFJNDFG. Still angry. Status: Broken. Moving sapped all my money away, so I could not afford a new PC. T_T 23) I will get the scratched lenses removed from my glasses and change the prescription on the orange pair of glasses too. Status: Broken. See the above deal with the new benefits not kicking in for 90+ days.

24) Also: I will get my black glasses fixed so that they stop FALLING OFF and flying into the every nearby rock and sharp pointy object… Status: Broken. T_T

25) I will obtain at least one six-star hero in Tales of Link. Don’t look at me like that. Status: Broken—I haven’t played Tales of Link in months. @_@

26) I will design at least ten outfits and post them. (I’m still trying with this one, dammit.) Status: Broken. …I guess I should probably just give up on this one…

27) I will organize my closets, especially the hall closet which looks like a bomb went off. Status: Broken. I moved out of my Utah house which did involve cleaning out the closets, but um… the closets at the new house might be just as bad now…

28) I will actually utilize the stupid Paint Tool Sai that I paid for. At least three fully colored artworks this year. Status: Broken. I was able to draw nothingggg this year. T_T

29) I will level all my battle classes to 70 in Stormblood. Status: Surprisingly broken. I wasn’t able to play much at all after July so my time for leveling just plummeted.

30) I will reach 700 followers on tumblr. You should follow me. I’m only marginally a waste of time and space. Status: Kept! I have 861 followers right now! Thanks everyone for the follows! :D

31) I will learn to make a new (delicious) cocktail or two. Status: Broken. I drank a new delicious cocktail but I didn’t make any myself.

32) I will lose ten pounds. Status: Somewhat kept? I don’t think I made it to a full 10 pounds but I did noticeably lose some weight.

33) I will reach at least 300 species on my birding life list. Status: Kept! I’m at 306 currently, thanks to making to Texas and seeing a bunch of new birdies. 34) I will win NaNoWriMo this year. (But pretend that I didn’t, to not disrupt my blue-purple-blue-purple NaNo site pattern. XDD) Status: Broken. I didn’t even get to like 5,000 words. T_T 35) I will obtain the Astrope mount in FFXIV. Status: HA. I think I’m at like 200/1000 for mentor roulettes. Broken. 36) I will see at least one new bird species in the wild that is not native to the United States. Status: Hmmm, not sure what I was thinking about for this one, but I did not succeed.

37) I will put a storm door on the side door of my house because water is leaking in (due to lack of said screen door) and causing damage! Status: Gonna count this as somewhat kept because I did try to get a storm door installed, but they wanted to charge me $300 just to install the door and I didn’t have the money at the time. But I did fix the gap beneath the door so that it no longer leaks.

38) I will visit Nicaragua. Status: Broken. T_T I had the chance but things were so bad at work I didn’t want to blow my vacation in case I needed it… And I did end up needing it, so things worked out.

39) I will water my plants more consistently and take better care of them—to the point where the one orchid that hasn’t bloomed in years will bloom again! Status: Uh… somewhat kept? Namely, I moved and left my plants in Utah, but they’re being taken care of by others so they’re alive at least still.

40) I will write at least four new chapters of my Voltron fic. Status: Kept!

41) I will get duct work done to bring heat to the downstairs bathroom and side bedroom. Status: Broken… But we did get a bigger heater for the downstairs so at least it was warmer down there this year.

42) I will update my calendar with important dates—holidays, birthdays, etc.—and be productive about sending cards and well-wishes. Status: Uh… broken. I forgot I made this promise too.

43) I will complete my series of posts about Yato/Hiyori. Really. Status: T_______T One day. One day. Broken. 44) I will pamper myself more—spa day at least once a month! Status: Somewhat kept? Maybe like barely kept. I was good at this for the first couple months, but then it tapered off. 45) I will visit my out-of-town friends more often and make better efforts to stay in more frequent contact. Status: I think I’ll mark this as kept. I visited more people this year, anyway, including @rachelwritesstories! 46) I will make sure the lawn stays decently mowed this year instead of being embarrassingly tall and weedy. Status: Hrm… Somewhat broken/somewhat kept? I did move, but apparently the lawn has been at least somewhat consistently mowed since I’ve been gone. 47) I will do some work on my laundry room to make it look less like a dungeon. Status: Broken. The dungeon persists. 48) I will revise TVR, especially the early chapters, and move it to AO3. Status: Broken. I got like maybe 1/3 of the way through revising the first chapter. Um… maybe in time for KH3 or something? :C

49) I will get an electric tree trimmer to make trimming my trees out front much easier. Status: Kept.

50) I will keep these promises. Status: Mostly broken. T_T

Totals Kept promises: 12 Broken promises: 31 Somewhat kept/broken promises: 7

Jesus, I thought I was glad to see the back-side of 2016… 2016 had nothing on the roller coaster of a year that 2017 was. What a literal dumpster fire. While politics and the environment went haywire around me, my job situation grew untenable again (ooh, but hilarious karma—just last month they fired the shitty boss and REHIRED my old awesome boss… Except of course by then I had already, you know, quit and moved across the country to pursue a whole new career field… Well, c’est la vie!) and I ended up packing up everything and completely changing my life once again…

In just the last two years I’ve swapped career fields twice and randomly packed up and moved to Texas of all places. I experienced the drama of prepping for a hurricane and also got to see it snow in Mexico. Life’s weird.

Looking back on these promises, I honestly don’t feel too bad that so many of them were broken this year. I really had no idea what was going to happen in 2017 when I made last year’s promises, and so a lot of the goals ended up not matching up with my reality in the end. At the end of the day though, I feel like I’m in a much better place today than I was at the end of 2016.

I don’t think 2018 is going to be easy, but I do think it is going to be better, and that’s a good feeling to have. Let’s do this! The new set of promises will be up by tomorrow.

#50 promises #new year's resolutions #new year #thank god #good-fuckin-bye 2017 #you will not be missed #IRL stuff

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1000-directions · 7 years

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4, 5, 6 please!!

4. Which has the most “you” in it, however you’d define that?

louis’ depression in “even if it’s a lie, say it will be all right” is basically my depression. i just wanted to write him having gone through an experience that left him kind of mean and dirty and not really in control. that shitty kind of depression where you can’t remember the last time you showered, and you can’t be bothered to walk across the room to throw out your trash, and you’re just awful to the people around you, even if you love them, even if you need them, even if sometimes you can recognize that you’re being awful and you don’t want to be but it’s like you can’t even stop yourself. and i wanted to capture the up-and-down of it, the way you can be totally fine one moment and then one innocuous thing can sink you whole day, and then you’ve got to claw yourself back up to neutral again. most of the characters and situations i write have very little resemblance to me or to my life, but that one is really personal for me.

5 i just did!

6. Idea that you always wanted to write but could never make work?

idk if my timetravelverse counts for this? because i’m allegedly going to write that someday? but i’m…probably never actually going to write it? the timetravelverse is tomlinshaw where louis and nick are in an established long term relationship, louis is maybe 35, and a louis who is like 18 or 20 magically appears in their lives to cause chaos and to very vocally despise both of them. so they take care of him until they can figure out how to send him back to his own time, and then a slightly younger nick also magically appears, and baby louis falls in love with baby nick and they’re very adorable. but i spent a lot of time thinking about adult louis and adult nick and why they got together and what their lives looked like, and i have so many ideas for them, but it’s becoming this really sprawling, untenable tangle of thoughts that i don’t really have the patience or energy to sort through. i might write some vignettes from that verse someday, but it’s soooooo dependent on creating an alternate future timeline for them, and i find canon so much more interesting. plus, it would be epicly long, and i prefer writing short scenes. so i’m not too optimistic for it.

fic writing questions

#asks #me me me #story of my story #writing #niallspringsteen

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christinamirabilis · 7 years

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Sooooo. I have reached the point where my current situation has become untenable, and I will start to become seriously unwell if I don’t do something to change it.

The main problem at the moment is university. I am so far behind that I don’t think it is possible for me to catch up, at least in two of my papers - the third, neuroscience, I still have a chance of salvaging and getting around a B grade if I put a lot of effort in, but the other two are past the point of return, I think.

Now, I have an assignment due tomorrow for child development (the same paper that I missed the test for on Tuesday, and still haven’t heard back from the course coordinator on when I can re-sit, but it’s pointless since I don’t know any of the content), and I just know for certain that I can’t do it. I talked my options through with my therapist today, and we decided that I’d give it a go, but I’ve looked at it and I just don’t have time to do anything that would even pass, and I would rather not waste my limited energy on a lost cause.

So my current options are as follows:

Continue trying to do as well as I can in all papers. PROS: would probably be able to scrape a passing grade if I work my ass off, and therefore would still be able to start Honours next year. CONS: passing grades would be very low, which would destroy my GPA, which needs to be at a certain level to get into Honours; I simply do not have the brain capacity to manage the amount of work that I would need to do; I will likely burn out from trying to do this and end up really unwell, not just moderately unwell like I am at the moment.

Drop out of all papers, work full-time until July next year so I can do them again in semester two next year. PROS: at the moment I can withdraw from my papers and receive a “withdrawn” on my academic transcript rather than a “fail”, which I don’t think will impact my GPA; one of my workmates is leaving at Christmas time and it is likely that my boss would give me his job until July if I asked her; would be good for my mental health to have some time off study for a wee bit. CONS: can’t get fees refunded; I would lose my student allowance in the meantime, and there is not currently any full-time work available at my work, which means I’d have to go on a benefit for a while and that’s a whole other can of worms that I do not want to open; it would mean putting off Honours for an extra year, and therefore probably putting off applying for Clinical for two years instead of one, and I’m not getting any younger; I don’t know if I would be able to continue to see my GP at Student Health if I am not currently enrolled at university, even though it would only be temporary, and I do not want to lose her as my GP, especially since we’ve just put in motion an assessment for ADHD, which, if I end up being diagnosed, which I think I will, would have a potentially life-changing effect on me and my ability to do things, if I can get medication.

Drop out of two of my papers, continue doing the third, work full-time from Christmas through to July next year, and then do the final two papers in semester two next year. PROS: as long as I apply for limited full-time status, I won’t lost my student allowance for the rest of the semester - it means a little bit of bureaucracy, but much less than if I had to go on a benefit, and I know my doctor would sign off on it, and then at the end of the semester I’ll have work if my boss agrees to it; it will make things a little bit easier when I am trying to do those two papers next year, since I won’t have to do three at once; I won’t feel like a COMPLETE failure; I’ll still be able to see my GP at Student Health. CONS: will still have that extra year before I start Honours; still can’t get course fees refunded.

At the moment, I’m leaning towards option three, that seems like the best approach. I’m going to wait until I’ve talked to my boss tomorrow before I make that decision though - while I’m 90% sure she’d be happy for me to do my workmate’s job until July, I don’t want to take it for granted.

I feel pretty shitty about this, and I feel like a complete loser. But at this point, I think I don’t have any other option, and I guess it’s a sign of where I’m at in my recovery that I would rather have a year’s setback and be well, than push through and end up losing myself again. So yeah. Ugh.

#lottieface

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thekastlediaries · 7 years

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15. “You betrayed me!”

Angst prompts to make your heart go 😭

On Broken Wing

It was a mistake, all of it. Frank knew from the beginning, from the very moment he locked eyes with her in that dimly lit hospital room.

And yet, he’d failed to push her away, again and again. At some point he’d stopped trying, falling into a tense partnership with the determined woman, watching as she put her neck out again and again for him, for herself. Hell, he shouldn’t have even told her about his latest mission, should have shook her off when he’d realized she was tailing him.

But he hadn’t… He liked seeing that gleam in her eye when he gave her a juicy lead, liked watching her dig into some scumbag’s life like she was excavating buried treasure. He liked being the one she came to when she uncovered what she was looking for. Seeing her once in a while made his self imposed solitude bearable.

But fuck if things hadn’t gone completely to hell this time. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault really, just a string of shitty coincidences that left the both of them wanted and on the run, Karen’s face plastered alongside his in the salacious rags littering the streets. Speculation abounded as to whether or not she was a willing companion of the Punisher or some poor damsel in distress, a hostage kept at gunpoint. He supposed it was a good thing no one else really knew Page like he did, or they would have found it impossible to believe that she’d let someone kidnap her without fighting tooth and nail every inch of the way.

He knew the way it ended for him: die or disappear. Two choices that he didn’t mind picking for himself, but not for her, not when there was still a chance she could come out of this with her reputation unscathed.

He’d already failed her on one account, the bullet lodged in her shoulder an incessant reminder that they needed to end this escapade soon. He was a split second too slow, the distinct click of a rifle only registering in his brain after the trigger was pulled. He’d reached out, yanked her out of the line of fire l, but not quickly enough.

He could still hear her sharp gasp of pain, feel the way she had crumpled against him, see the crimson bloom against her silk blouse. Thinking about it too much made it hard to clean his gun, fingers shaking… so he tried not to.

She was lying not five feet away from him on an old army cot, brow glistening with sweat, mumbling feverishly in her sleep. The situation was untenable, something had to give.

But Karen had snarled at him when he’d suggested dropping her off at the ER, the pain in her shoulder making her eyes wild. “And then what Frank? Tell them that a ruthless murderer kidnapped me and I instantaneously developed Stockholm Syndrome?”

“It ain’t that far from the truth.”

That had pissed her off, earned him a couple hours of silent treatment. But really how far off was he? There was no logical reason that she should so vehemently insist that he was a good man. He was bad, evil even, parts of his soul shorn off a long time ago, the bullet track in his brain running through the centers for impulse control and empathy. It didn’t matter if he had a code, if he only murdered bad men. It was still murder, and he still took very real pleasure in it, the only feeling left in his inky heart. If you asked him, he was barely human.

Barely… the only time he questioned that assessment was when she touched him, her hands cool against his bruised skin, soft as they traced the lines of his back, his face. She lingered longer than necessary, they both knew it. Neither said a thing. In those moments he wondered if there were other things that could make him feel again. All he had to do was close his eyes and see his family lying dead on the ground, and he knew feeling was a bad idea.

Karen whimpered, twisting in the blanket wrapped around her. Frank was at her side in a second, fingers instinctively brushing across her forehead, pushing away damp strands of blonde hair. It looked like her fever had temporarily broken, the meds he’d swiped on the way up to the cabin finally doing their job.

He dropped his hand to her neck, checking her pulse. It thrummed faster than normal, a somewhat worrisome sign. The fever reducers did nothing for infection, and she would no doubt slip back as soon as they wore off.

Her eyes opened, somewhat glassy, but missing the feverish glow of hallucination. Without a word he withdrew, moving to get a bottle of water, holding it for her as she drank. Weakly, she reached for him so he couldn’t move away again. “We have to go, Frank. We’ve been here too long, someone’s bound to find us.”

Struggling, she sat upright on the cot, fighting the covers tangled around her legs. One wrong move and she put all of her weight on her injured side, white hot pain taking her breath away.

Gently, Frank righted her, softly shushing her efforts to speak again. “We’ll leave soon, don’t worry.”

It was a lie, at least partly, and Frank felt a sharp twinge of guilt as she settled back down to rest. You never lie to me.

Neither of them had the energy to argue about this, so he made an executive decision. This was the end of their partnership. He couldn’t figure out why it felt like he was cutting off a limb, why it seems he was shearing off another piece of his soul, why the fuck there was a dull ache in the back of his throat when he looked at her.

Eventually she fell asleep, and Frank began to pack up. All of his weapons neatly reassembled and lined up in his duffle, extra ammo weighting the thing down. He collected the remnants of their supplies, food and medical, tucking them in a ratty backpack and slinging it over his shoulder. Quietly he went back and forth from the tiny cabin to the battered little pickup hidden in the trees until almost no sign of him remained.

The handcuffs in his hand felt like they weighed a thousand pounds as he approached the little cot. He didn’t want to do this, but he knew Karen Page wasn’t the type so wait around to be rescued, and in her condition wandering out into the cold hills would mean certain death.

On his knees beside the cot he checked her temperature one last time, still cool, and let his touch wander down to her wrist. He’d noticed before how finely boned she was, the silhouette of her long willowy arms and legs imprinted on his memory. He traced the bones of her wrist, hating that she would probably jerk against the cuffs, purple the pale skin in an effort to escape, to follow him.

The cuff clicked shut around her wrist, and still she didn’t wake up, not even batting an eyelash as frank moved her arm toward the wall. The other cuff clicked shut around a piece of exposed pipe, and that’s when her eyes flew open. “Frank?”

She jerked just like he thought she would. Frank winced. He should have cuffed the hand on her injured side so she would move as little as possible, but he couldn’t bear the idea of her in pain.

“Frank? What the hell is this?”

He didn’t answer, moving to stoke the fire. “Repeat after me Karen: ‘Frank Castle is a piece of shit and he kidnapped me.’ ”

“What?”

“Frank Castle is a piece of shit and he kidnapped me.”

Her nostrils flared, anger coming out of every pore. “God damn it Frank, uncuff me right now!”

He moved back to her, brushing the hair away from her face. “Say it, Karen. ‘Frank Castle kidnapped me.’ “

She shook her head in refusal, angry tears spilling out over her cheeks. “You lied to me!”

“I kidnapped you. I got you shot. I can’t be responsible for your death. I kidnapped you..” His fingers trembled against her skin, long forgotten emotions bubbling up through his chest. “Please. Say it.”

She twisted away from his touch, spitting out at him, “This is bullshit, Frank!”

Abruptly he let go of her, turning to the door. Hand on the knob he stopped one last time. “When I get down the mountain I’m going to call the cops and let them know you’re here, injured. You’ll tell them I kidnapped you. Everything will be fine. You’ll be fine.”

She yanked at the cuff again, hot tears streaming down her face. “Look at me! You betrayed me, Frank!”

The door shut on her words, and Frank disappeared into the night, leaving behind the last shred of feeling left in his battered body.

Drabble Tag

#kastle #Karen page #frank castle #kastle fic #kastle fanfiction #please let me know what you think #I feel a lil rusty tbh #kastlelibrary #drabbles

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latrappistine · 7 years

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So, went to Mexico, got some work done on my mouth, but nothing like what I'd hoped for because my mouth is so fucked it's going to take a bunch of visits and probably a year. With how much extra travel and missed work expense I'm looking at, it's probably going to only be fractionally cheaper than getting it done here :/

Stayed at my parents' for about a week to start healing up, because I couldn't wear the partial to cover all the holes in my mouth yet (still can't really -- stitches are out and it's hurting less to wear, but there's a spot of wound dehiscence right over one of the implants I'm trying to baby), but finally got fed up with my piece of shit brother and all the verbal abuse he hurls at everyone all the time and snapped back. Per usual, he tattled to mommy who instantly defended and excused all of his behavior -- I don't understand how she literally does not see that giving him everything and never holding the line has created this monster with whom both siblings and very nearly his father have had to go no-contact. So, fucked out of there on very bad terms.

Back at home now, still having to hide inside the house both because I'm ~out of town for medical treatment~ and more because my mouth is not fixed and I need more work done imminently to fix or replace the tooth that was knocked loose by its treatment and hurts.

Still supposed to go to treatment maybe while I have a few more weeks off, but I don't really have any desire to do that anymore. Which sucks, because the best idea was to go right after getting my mouth worked on so that I would have that support to not b/p and fuck things up. Nope, lasted about three days (two of which I didn't eat anything at all, and spent my plane ride home trying not to puke because I was floating around a sugar of 40). I make a good argument that it's just logistically unfeasible when I can't eat with my faketeeths in yet (possibly for several months), and keep requiring massive amounts of pain meds for the wiggly infected tooth, and being in a situation where I can't just grab a handful of naproxen or run off to the bathroom to fuck with my teeth right after meals is untenable.

But I think more I'm kind of depressed right now (probably lots of tooth shame, disappointment that things are not more fixed in my mouth after ANOTHER round of time and omg so much money, being in pain all the time, fight with family, side effect of Tramadol?, not taking my Topamax which has a good mood stabilizing effect for me, moderate weight gain from several weeks of binging and shitty purging due to having to be more discrete than usual both in Mexico and at parents' house) and haven't been thinking about the future at all. I'm only interested in treatment when I'm able to think big-picture and able to actually see a future where I go to medical school and stop being a piece of shit. Otherwise, I'm in the place I find myself now, pretty content just puking myself likely to death.

#depression #ED treatment #actuallyed #anbp #shame

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elizabethleslie7654 · 6 years

Text

Shocks on the Horizon

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The many structural failings of America make for an uncertain future.

by Tom Shackleford

As we watch the Republican legislative disaster unfold, bear in mind that whatever budget they end up passing won’t save the country in the long-term. The USA in its current form is already a failed entity; this just hasn’t been made clear to the clueless yet. Let’s take a quick inventory of why.

Deficits

America can no longer afford itself. Each year the Federal Government spends over $600 billion more than it receives in tax revenues. This is complemented by projected budget shortfalls in roughly half of all states in fiscal year 2018 alone. When Trump ushered GOP majorities into both Houses of Congress, many hoped they’d actually make some of the sharp spending cuts that they’d been preaching about. It’s now crystal clear that won’t happen.

Debts

This brings us to the soaring Federal debt of $20.4 trillion. It now exceeds our GDP, which last year stood at roughly $18.6 trillion. This rapidly widening disparity is crucial because, historically, national debts in excess of 90% of GDP are never repaid. It’s also important to note that once it reaches a critical mass, a debt starts taking on a more vertical trajectory. This is what we’re seeing now, even with minuscule interest rates. This is because as more money is borrowed, even more money must be borrowed on top of that in order to make interest payments. Therefore, the debt growth will remain in a state of perpetual acceleration until we tumble off an invisible cliff of confidence.

It’s important to note that most of our debt is not of the “self-liquidating” variety. This type of debt boosts productivity. For example, when a city borrows to build a convenient bridge. Over time, the economic productivity facilitated by the debt cancels it out. The opposite of self-liquidating debt would be this: Chicago borrowing $387 million in order to keep paying teacher pensions temporarily. The latter characterizes the nature of modern American debt much better than the former.

Demographics

What truly makes America’s situation untenable is the fact that its productive White population is contracting. This process is gaining speed as over 10,000 baby boomers leave the workforce each day. The sizes of the generations behind them are significantly smaller. This imbalance alone creates a set of massive problems. As boomers retire, they are forced to sharply curtail their consumption to adjust for lower income levels. Boomers hold the majority of assets. Tens of millions of will be dumping a portion of theirs onto the market each year in order to fund their retirements.

Who will buy them? Gen Xers and Millennials are saddled with enormous education and consumer debts. Many have less than one thousand dollars to their name. This is hardly the kind of capital that spurs one to start investing in equities. This will make it harder for Boomers to fund their retirements, because the value of their assets will be greatly diminished without a comparable pool of buyers. At least they can survive on Social Security and Medicare, right?

Add Liabilities, Start Sweating

Well,there isn’t nearly enough money to pay for those programs either. Once unfunded liabilities are added to the budget deficit, economist Laurence Kotlikoff estimates the fiscal gap to be around $200 trillion. Down at the state and municipal levels, the same thing is going on. Many have deliberately underfunded their pension plans in order to create a facade of fiscal rectitude. Unfortunately, they cannot digitally create dollars like the Feds. Consequently, we’re already seeing plans fail in seven different states with much more to come.

Vibrancy=Big Deficits

Compounding this problem is the fact that we’re frantically importing millions of new people to pay for. Vibrancy comes at a very steep price, since even if these individuals are working, they generally don’t generate enough revenue to cover their education and medical costs. Accordingly, a state like California is stuck forking over roughly 17% of its budget just to fund illegals.

Consequences of the Dollar

The dollar is a fiat currency, backed only by confidence in its value. It’s the primary medium of global economic exchange. This gives Americans the unhealthy ability to purchase imported products, upon which the economy has come to depend, artificially cheap. This includes oil, the lifeblood of the economy, exchanged according to the Petrodollar System. Because we’re taking on so much debt, the Federal Reserve has no choice but to create new dollars in order to buy a large portion of it.

At some point, the dilution of the dollar’s value through this process will severely erode confidence in its value, and thus the creditworthiness of the US government. Exporters are not willing to vendor finance us in perpetuity. Once the counter-party risk to the dollar becomes readily apparent, we’ll have big problems. The fact that the European Central Bank is even more reckless than the Fed seems to be buoying demand for the dollar. However, just because a terrible currency is preferred over another terrible currency doesn’t make it sound.

We’re Bereft of Suitable Precedents

There’s much to like about Trump, but don’t feel an irrational optimism about his ability to fix our economic and financial woes. The conundrum facing us is this: how do you facilitate the huge, continuous growth needed to save the country when its productive population is perpetually contracting? We’re only in the initial stage, so haven’t yet seen what that scenario looks like in full swing on a 10-20 year scale.

The only paradigm that the modern West knows is constant population growth (it’s tripled since the end of WW2), and therefore concordant growth in asset prices and GDP. Sure, there are dips during recessions, but the long-term trend has never changed. Our emerging reality simply doesn’t have any useful precedents, but we can reasonably surmise that it will be unpleasant.

If this wasn’t bad enough, we must grapple with another profound dilemma: how does a First World country import a Third World majority while still providing First World services to the entire population? This is exacerbated by the spread of crime, corruption, and incompetence that characterize nations filled with these people.

Does the Government Have a Plan?

NOPE. But they do take a set of measures to gaslight everyone. The first, as we already discussed, is to underfund future liabilities. The second is to underinvest in maintaining and upgrading infrastructure. This has led to a national backlog in the trillions.

The third is to digitally create dollars to purchase debt and suppress interest rates on it. This new money then migrates from the bond market into stuff like equities, which is why the stock market soars beyond reason. But, they can’t enhance productivity and manifest real stuff through keystrokes. This is why the underlying economy doesn’t display the exuberance of Wall Street.

Hence the need for gaslighting tactic #4: use dishonest stats to measure key indicators, the unemployment rate for example. If you haven’t found a job after a certain period of time, then you are not part of the statistic. If you lost a good full-time job with benefits and now work two shitty part-time jobs, then the amount of jobs has gone up. Awesome! Obamacare has really helped in that regard.

The same deception applies to our GDP statistic. It measures assets without subtracting liabilities, among other chicanery. It’s also the case with the Consumer Price Index, which measures inflation. Its tactics include underweighting major expenses, such as healthcare, or simply substituting a product in the “market basket” for another product if its price rises too much.

When and Where Does it Unravel?

Nobody can say for certain because our globalized world is extremely complex. This makes it orders of magnitude more risky and fragile than when the Great Depression struck roughly 90 years ago. A catalyst could be any number of things both foreseeable and unpredictable. For example, a reckless strike on Iran for the benefit of Israel or some startling natural disaster.

One thing that won’t happen is a giant stock market crash in a single day. The markets have multiple “circuit breakers”, triggered at certain drops from the prior day’s closing value. A presidential “Working Group on Financial Markets” can then endeavor to rally prices with undisclosed tactics. There’s much that can be done to manipulate these prices, but as we previously discussed, not to boost the nation’s terrible economic health.

What’s more likely is a general loss of confidence or panic in the market for public debt. That could come from a variety of potential triggers, mostly in the form of unrepayable debts. For example, obligations incurred by a tottering EU country such as Spain or a derelict state like Illinois. There are many uncreditworthy entities currently able to borrow at relatively low cost, which is the only reason why they keep functioning. Only one needs to technically or officially default for a general panic to ensue. Eventually, this could drag under the US dollar.

Will This Time Be Different?

There’s an excellent book you might wish to peruse: This Time Is Different: Eight Centuries of Financial Folly. It’s the result of exhaustive data collection and analysis by two academics. Essentially, it points out that sovereign debt defaults are regular occurrences. Yet, every time, people cling to the delusional notion that “this time is different”, often coddled by ignorance what happened in the past.

This time will be different in that the severity of the crisis will be multiplied by the complexity of the modern economy and worsened by population contraction. Although it seems we’re all likely to experience some form of hardship as a result, this is where our greatest opportunities to implement White Nationalism will arise.

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