#it's difficult because my tastes are a lot more dark and eclectic than this! even of my favourites of these authors you can see!

[suncaptor]

Fic Recommendations (destiel oriented)

these are just random ones I feel comfortable sharing, often shorter and more focused on Castiel or angst, and then also some writers. It’s in no way comprehensive nor a reflection of the breadth of fanfic I enjoy! feel free to search more through the authors if you enjoy them since I am by no means saying these are the best!

I tried to keep ratings lower and less dark for this one, but if you do enjoy darker fics and/or are 18+ I’d love to talk about other fics with you! Some of these are rated M/E though and some have triggering content so please check before reading to make sure you’re comfortable!

One author I really love is NorthernSparrow. I got really into their fics in 2014 because they write human Cas so well. I would rec Forgotten (G)  to just about anyone, which is a case fic where Sam and Dean do not remember Cas. It then goes into a sequel (which has destiel or no destiel options). I would recommend anything by them though, depending on age/taste.

NorthernSparrow also wrote A Winter’s Tale (T) which is a completely heartbreaking and beautiful exploration of Cas’s storyline as a human and almost feels like a must read to that arc. They have more too if you like those fics! They are also good at very plotty epic types of fics.

Another of my favourite authors is @fromcenotaphy or cenotaphy, to no one’s surprise if you’ve been following me for a while. I’ve recced them here.

I also really have liked some of bookkbaby’s work, such as this fic (T) where Cas tries to step forward when Sam and Dean entrap him in holy fire in season 8. 

Domesticadventures is an amazing writer too! They have at least one that has gotten popular (E) (as it should), but nearly everything they write is amazing. For any in particular I’d recommend Borderlines (G) or White Noise (G) which are good short fics for Castiel angst.

I also think  Aini_NuFire (not destiel, but often very Cas focused) is amazing, including their holy terror coda or this (T) I’m no angel coda. I have read quite a few other of their longer works too, totally recommend!

I also may as well rec sp8ce with a post confession multi chapter Dean POV Unsound Inverses (E) and a 5x03 Cas POV nsfw fic (E) as well as other lower rated oneshots and also a dark fic here if you are certain enough on tags.

Cuckoo and Nest (E) is one of my favourite fics where Castiel is living in the bunker in a relationship with Dean as a human and struggles to figure out if he’s wanted while struggling with feelings of insecurity and fear and their impact.

A Love Of All Things That Grow (G) is a fic where Cas grows a garden at the bunker as a human. I adore it.

Islands (M) is a fic post sacrifice with Castiel living at the bunker and follows miscommunication and a toxic dynamic down, and I really enjoyed it.

Things that Leave Marks (M) is a really interesting fic to me because it has Cas established with a life outside of Dean post I’m No Angel and Dean meeting up with him again, more than three years later. I really love it.

Driving Instructions: Timestamp for "Traverse" (T) is a fic from Nora’s perspective around Heaven Can’t Wait. 

Missing Home (G) is another Heaven Can’t Wait coda <3

and don't ask me where i've been (T) is as well, and it’s one of my favourite in the way it captures Cas’s state as well as uses metaphors I enjoy.

Enochian Things (Salr323) is the writer of the famed Cas-gets-an-Italian-boyfriend fic, but I also recommend their coda Don’t worry (about a thing) (T) too, and I would recommend a lot of the things they’ve written!

The poetry of fish (G) is an amazing focusing on Cas’s experience watching Earth’s history, and the writer is very educated and smart, so it allows another lens into Cas’s perspective.

also peterspajamas @ghostmary is an amazing writer, of performative homophobia and What Throbs In Your Chest beauty, and they also have a lot of variety and are just very talented!

Also obligatory Map of the World (M) rec, which is the first book of Down to Agincourt. It’s one of my favourite written fics ever, and I love the complex ways the plot and world and writing wrap together alongside the character’s emotions and development!

#incoherents #destiel #fic rec #fic #rec #spn #supernatural #savef #writing #okay so like. I've been meaning to do this for a while so since it's been a year. or whatever. #it's difficult because my tastes are a lot more dark and eclectic than this! even of my favourites of these authors you can see! #but I'm worried someone will not be wary enough with my rec so I'm trying to be careful #also I tried to stay destiel for this even tho some of my favourite fics aren't but even then some are just cas centric gen but most of the #are destiel so obv this isn't aimed at people who hate destiel #tho you can ask if you want something that has no destiel ofc

[3wisellamas]

Giant Sweet Cap’n Cakes Headcanon Masterpost!

(Fun fact, I thought most of these up while on one REALLY long hike.  ^^;  You can tell I fell for these three pretty hard.)

Music:

-I like the idea that, while the three all share a love of hip hop, glitch hop, electronic music in general, and a little lo-fi for chill times, they all have different tastes outside of those.  (Meaning if you pass them the aux cord, they WILL argue!)

-Sweet's actually the biggest audiophile of the group, with by far the most eclectic tastes; he will literally put together playlists that go from dubstep to heavy metal to classical to rap to vaporwave to even country.  The others don't really get it, but they're cool with whatever he puts on, and learn a lot of new music from him!

-He also owns an electric guitar, which he just plugs into himself to use as an amp and plays early in the morning to wake the others up if needed (he's the early riser and the other two are night owls...)

-Cap'n's definitely got a more narrow focus than the other two; he likes rap and also R&B, jazz, and even a little swing/electro swing.  He's also been caught more than once listening to cheesy romantic pop songs, claiming he's just into them for their potential madamoizel-attracting uses but really he's just a sappy romantic.

-He can also rap, very well in fact, and gets Sweet to beatbox while he freestyles. 

-Heck, he's just got a good singing voice in general, helped by having a built-in autotune, and dominates at karaoke!

-K_K also has a really broad range, but stays more towards the electronic end of the spectrum -- melodic dubstep, synthpop, disco, trance, chiptune, DnB, even occasionally puts on straight-up ambient spa music to chill out to (the only genre the other two will NOT tolerate.)

-K_K has also, in the past, set up entire mini-raves just by themselves, complete with glowsticks and everything, while Cap'n and Sweet were out doing whatever.  They were...not pleased, when they got back, mostly because they weren't invited.  All three got to have one together eventually though.  

-Physical media is king in their shop; if it's not on a CD, cassette tape, or a vinyl record (or an 8-track, though they have to dig out their old player for it), they will refuse to play it, and might even ask you to leave.  "MP3" is an extremely dirty word to them.

-(In fact, they don't get along too well with the MP3 player-headed robots elsewhere in the city.)

-They are indeed always listening to music on physical media as well -- K_K and Cap'n are their own CD players (though Cap'n's one of those models that's also got a built-in FM radio), while Sweet has a straight-up Walkman.    

-(He's also the group's cassette champion, claiming his media of choice is superior to CDs because you can record music on BOTH sides of the tape!  The other two just don't have the heart to point out that each side only holds half as much music as a CD, and you don't even have to rewind those...)

-Jury's still out on Hit Clips.  Cap'n and Sweet think they're just toys, but K_K genuinely collects and appreciates them and treats them like actual music (it helps that they are only around four seconds long!)

-Believe it or not, the headphones are only decoration, all three actually just...listen to their music entirely within their own heads, though they can also switch to playing it externally on their speakers as well.  Perks of being robots!  Though, sometimes K_K has his internal volume up too high, and misses things that other people say because of it.

-Sweet also has an input port, and connects himself to his turntable to act as the speakers!  The other two are WAY too embarrassed to ask if they can use it as well.

-Sweet can play almost any instrument you throw at him, as long as it's not a woodwind (Surprisingly, he can do brass, since those work on vibration rather than air!).  He prefers his guitar or violin when he isn't spinning records on his turntable.  Where the other two just enjoy music, he's the actual trained musician.

Voice headcanons:

-Sweet:  Kind of deep, bass-y, lots of reverb, a slight tinny audio distortion to it like a low-quality recording that becomes much more pronounced when he gets upset or starts shouting.  And since he's a speaker, you can literally feel the vibrations he makes when he's speaking!

-Cap'n:  Scout from TF2.  I am sorry, but I absolutely cannot get that out of my head for him.  XD  However, he's actually putting that voice on as an "accent" of sorts, his real voice is actually super autotune-y like K_K's, and it comes out whenever he gets flustered, his pitch only getting higher and higher as it gets worse...

-K_K:  Pure autotune, he can just do whatever the hell he wants with his voice -- pitch, tone, whatever, and while he tends to keep it a little higher he can and does change it to fit his mood!  He often has a completely different voice every day, but the others are used to it.  He also just straight-up vocalizes sound effects (like, the kind that make you go "How did you just make that sound with your mouth?!") and can mimic other people perfectly (though the slight mechanical distortion does give it away).  There are absolutely no rules when it comes to K_K's voice.

-They harmonize perfectly whenever they sing together! 

Sweet:

-I like to think Sweet's actually the brains of the group; like, not SMART, he just holds their one collective braincell most often.  He does any technical work when they're building stuff, like soldering circuits or the occasional programming, and even handles a lot of the actual business operations and pays the bills.  The other two also like to follow his lead when it comes to rebellion plans, even if he’s not the official leader.

-That said, though?  It's balanced out by him being rather hotheaded and having the shortest temper by a lot.  There are REASONS why he's not usually out selling bagels with the others -- he's unfortunately prone to some more "extreme" sales tactics, like hurling half their stock at random passersby until they finally agree to buy some.  On the plus side, he's always the first to step up to defend the gang from anything that dares to harm them, and is always on guard.

-He can also hold a heck of a grudge -- don't ever get on his bad side!  Cap'n and K_K are mostly immune to this though, if he gets upset with them he works through it by the end of the day.  It helps that they can all hug it out.

-He's a bit of a perfectionist, often working overtime to try and get everything they build exactly right.  He can get really frustrated when things don't work out the way he plans, or when he can't make sense of a problem, or when Cap'n and K_K are goofing off instead of doing their part, and needs to go blast some loud music and blow off steam.

-He does have a really tough time keeping his balance, since his head is a bit heavier than the rest of his body, but he takes tripping over his own feet constantly in stride.  The biggest problem he has is with dancing -- while he'll join in with the others on occasion, he can't match their more acrobatic moves and sticks more to actually PLAYING the music they're dancing to.

-He's also really, really unlucky, just in general.  He actually considers the other two his good luck charms, since they help him out whenever he trips or gets into a bad spot!

-He's the fashionista of the group, surprisingly.  It's difficult for him to find clothes that fit his body, so he tends to get a little creative with it and has a whole closet full of different stuff!  And since Cap'n is roughly the same size they'll occasionally swap jackets.

Cap’n:

-Cap'n actually has managed to score a handful of dates with girls in the past!  However, NONE of them went well, and only one actually made it to the second date (only to break up right in the middle of it), so he always ends up returning home heartbroken and in tears.  Sweet and K_K, by this point just ready for it whenever they hear that he's going out that night, always dry him off before he shorts himself out, take him to bed and cuddle with him (platonically, I don't see them as brothers but I also don't see them as having that conversation until Cap'n's ready, which he clearly is NOT), remind him that it doesn't hurt forever and he isn't unlovable and that he'll find someone eventually, etc.

-They have sat him down multiple times to try and gently suggest to Cap'n that he might just not be into women?  And that he’s actually turning them off by trying so hard?  To which he's always just like "No, of course not.  I'm straight.  Love the ladies.  Totally.  Oh no they didn't catch me checkin' out that one dude earlier did they?  Is that what this is about?!"

-(Basically, Cap'n is just a hopeless romantic in love with the idea of being in love, but is absolutely clueless as to how it works or what he actually wants, and his best buds are always there to catch him when he falls.  ;v; )

-The glasses are prescription -- he's SUPER nearsighted, a hardware glitch he refuses to fix.  Sometimes when he's working on something close up he'll take them off, panicking when he can't find them afterwards, only to have the others point out that they're just on his head.  He’s also got non-tinted glasses, but you will not catch him DEAD wearing those unless it’s an absolute emergency.

-This dude is SUPREMELY insecure with himself.  Like, his rather questionable fixation on romance aside, he basically runs off of others' validation, the "cool" persona he's spent much of his life building up being how he hides the fact that he isn't really sure who he is, or what he wants to do with his life, or what he's even good for -- the others have learned to check on him now and then whenever he hides away in the back of the shop, since he can slip into some pretty dark places when left alone to sulk.  It took a long time for him to open up even to them to share his feelings, and sometimes still has doubts about whether they or anyone else really care about him as more than just The Smooth One...

-He's the only one of the three to actually enjoy the occasional silence, especially when he's trying to think, or whenever he's upset.  So, his headphones also serve a dual purpose -- they're noise-cancelling!

-He's the video guy, carrying around a small camcorder and constantly trying to record the group's activities, to put together into music videos!  He also just likes to record himself doing stupid stunts for posterity, though K_K just takes these and makes (affectionate) blooper reels.

-Cap'n is not his real name, similar to K_K.  However, unlike K_K, he refuses to say what it is, just that it's embarrassing.

K_K:

-K_K has a bad habit of just completely zoning out when he gets into his music, getting completely lost in the groove and needing to be pulled back to reality.  It's not a bad thing during jam sessions, but at work, or in the middle of a battle...not so much.

-He kind of needs to have some kind of music going at all times -- silence drives him absolutely CRAZY!  Though, because he gets distracted by his own music, he then misses out on entire conversations, only tuning back in towards the end.  Sometimes the other two have to repeat or summarize what they just said for him.

-He knows sign language, and taught the others to use it.  They're able to communicate reasonably well no matter how loud their shop gets, or on days when K_K isn't able to form words properly (he's just shy, and even when he isn't he gets tongue-tied a LOT).

-He's easily the best dancer of the three, and uses his extendable body to get really creative with his moves!  He even knows a little ballroom, somehow, which he'll pull out sometimes to make the others laugh.

-(Seriously, K_K CANNOT stand to see Sweet or Cap'n not smiling.  He'll do anything to keep the group's spirits up, usually cracking jokes during a scrap project or doing little favors, and they appreciate all his efforts!)

-K_K has the WORST sleep cycle, ever.  If you let him, he will stay up all night working or partying, finally going to bed at 6AM, and will then sleep until 6PM if the others don't wake him up at some point.  If they know he was up really late they'll let him sleep in a little, but he's often pretty sleep-deprived and running solely on sugar and caffeine, which doesn't help his natural loopiness.  

-He is a VERY physical guy.  Seriously, he will just scoop up and hold Sweet or Cap'n like a cat every five minutes; at first they were just like "Oh.  Okay.  We're hugging now I guess," but after a while they got more used to it and even anticipate when K_K is going to do it.  And he also initiates tons of snuggles and gives piggyback rides whenever one of his bandmates (usually Sweet) requests.  

-K_K actually scrapbooks, collecting pictures and little mementos of places he and the others have gone and things they've done.  After the library fountain is sealed, he pulls them out to show everyone else from Cyber City and reminisce about home.

-It's very hard to make K_K angry, since he tends to stay super chill and brushes off almost everything.  But, on those very, very rare occasions when something does get under his metal outer casing, he'll go full-on silent treatment, not speaking to anyone for up to a week as he sulks and stomps around the junk shop, and even refuses to play any music!  And no amount of sweets or hugs or cheering up will bring him out of it, either; the other two have learned to just wait him out and let him have his space, letting him come to them when he's finally ready to talk about it.

Misc:

-Though all three love everything sweet, K_K's the only one who really goes overboard with it, making whole meals out of candy.  Sweet, ironically enough, actually prefers more salty/savory snacks, while the less is said about Cap'n's hot sauce addiction, the better.

-Okay, actually, I will say more about it.  Cap'n loves spicy food in general, and literally drinks tabasco sauce right from the bottle.  However, he's got a bad habit of daring himself to eat hotter and hotter stuff, ESPECIALLY if someone is watching, and can easily get in WAY over his head before begging for milk.

-They also all totally drink battery acid like Queen.

-Heck, being both Darkners and robots, they can really eat literally anything.  Normal food, milk, oil, batteries, gallons of pure sugar, toothpaste, moss, glitter (NEVER let K_K get hold of any though, he gets lost in the sauce), broken glass, etc, and of course their own deep-fried CDs.  Only thing they can't do is water, since, you know, robots.

-With a lot of the aesthetics of Cyber City being close to turn-of-the millennium and early 2000s (CDs and boomboxes, popup ads, wired mice, Queen theorized to be one of those see-through iMacs, EVERYTHING about Spamton), I like the idea that the boys DO NOT have smartphones, and if you handed them one they'd have no clue how to use it or what to do with it.  But they do have cell phones:  Sweet's got an old flip phone covered in stickers (courtesy of K_K), Cap'n splurged for one of those that slide open and with a camera (he set his background to a tiny, grainy photo of the three of them!), and K_K has one of those indestructible Nokia bricks, that Sweet got him after he kept breaking all his other ones.  They can all text, but that's about as high-tech as they get.

-Same with tablets or newer computers in general, they might share one tiny netbook at most.  Cap’n never remembers to log out of his Dark World dating profile, so the others will snoop or post embarrassing things to it.

-They're really, really durable, even without milk -- they're made of 90s plastic and electronics, so it takes a LOT to take one of them down!  Plus, they regularly repair each other back at the shop (it took a LONG time for them to gain enough trust to physically open and work on each other), so as long as at least one's left to drag the other two to safety they'll be just fine.

-However, if they get splashed with water, caught in the rain, or worse, drowned, they will short out, or shut down on the spot to prevent damage.  Once they completely dry out, though, they'll start right back up, no worse for wear.  When only one of them gets waterlogged the other two will break out the hair dryers to dry them out faster, or even pop them into the oven in a pan of rice like an iPod that got dropped in the toilet...

Finally, backstory?

-Cap'n and K_K met first -- maybe both as new recruits to another, much less savory gang of music equipment robots, and bonded as a result of being put upon by the more established members (Cap'n probably even had to defend K_K more than once when his inattentiveness got him into trouble!)  But, they both had enough one day, and decided to break off and form their own thing, making music and selling CD bagels to support themselves.

-Sweet, meanwhile, has the complete opposite background, coming from a rich and important family of musicians in Cyber City who regularly entertained Queen in her mansion (hence why he always used to get sweets from her!)  But, he was kind of the black sheep, preferring his own style of music, and decided to strike out on his own as a street musician instead.

-They met when Cap'n and K_K accidentally set up to sell bagels on Sweet's usual corner, and he battled them to reclaim his turf.  But, they were evenly-matched (even two-to-one; Sweet's definitely the strongest of the trio!), and impressed each other with both their fighting and musical skills, so Sweet decided to join their tiny group, and thus Sweet Cap'n Cakes was formed.  

-After the whole situation with Queen is resolved, SCC turns their rebellion into an anti-DRM kind of thing?  Nobody can hold back the music, man!

#deltarune #sweet cap'n cakes #deltarune sweet #deltarune cap'n #deltarune k_k #sweet #cap'n #k_k #emheadcanons

[jojoreadwhat]

T W E L V E • A Gwilym Lee Story | 3. the one with the same cliche story

Sylvia •

Gwilym and Joe’s apartment was intellectually eclectic, and expensive looking. Exquisite crown molding around the room. White washed walls with art and photographs along them. Various different aspects, colored vases and decor. Lots of greenery hanging from the ceilings and shelves. Large bookcases covering the wall from top to floor, opposite of the entertainment center. With a grey couch in the middle of living space. Completely laid out differently compared to ours.

Lucy and Joe could be heard in the kitchen, leaving me to look around. I stood in front of the bookcases. Examining the poets and authors lining the shelves.

All pretty editions, Capote, Burroughs, Huxley to name a few. I picked up On The Road, impressed and just wondering who read these between the two gentlemen living here.

"Liking New York so far?" One of the gentlemen, Joe asked standing next to me now, holding out a glass of wine.

He was quite handsome. Tall standing at five foot nine.!Dark chestnut eyes that somewhat gold from the amber glow nearby. Rich auburn hair. Dressed in a white button down short sleeve, nicely loose against his build, showing off his semi toned arms. Along with a pair of black faded jeans, shaping him out quite admiringly.

I smiled, trying my best to disguise the slight startling of his entry. Placing the book back, before my fingertips met Joe’s lightly.

I shrugged a little, "I mean I've only gotten as far as my fire escape." I answered, then. "But so far I like it." Watching the corners of his lips curl while I took a sip from my glass.

"Please make yourself comfortable." He suggests, his large hand extending to the sofa. His voice lathered in a light New York accent, smooth throughout the room.

I sat down next to him, still observing the artwork on the walls. "Your apartment is really nice." I broke, Joe nodded slightly with a smirk. "Thank you, its more of my roommate's tastes than mine." He replied. I slowly nodded, "Even the books?" I pressed, taking another sip of the bittersweet mix of berries. Joe nodded again, looking over at the collection behind us and resting his arm onto the back of the sofa. "Yeah, I'm more into music."

"Is he like an English professor or something?" I kept going, he shook his head. "He's a photographer." He corrected, "An artiste, he likes to say." He mocked jokingly, before grabbing a peppermint from the wooden box on the coffee table.

"And what do you do?" I asked once more, leaning back and adjusting more comfortably than what the stiff sofa could offer. Trying to balance my interests in both of the neighbors I was gaining for my stay here.

Joe’s lips parted lightly, "A barista in the morning, a deejay by night." The charming pearl of his teeth unveiling. "You know, the cafe is actually hiring. I can ask Jimmy to fit you in for an interview sometime this week." He finished, taking another swig if his beer.

I never worked that task in my life and my mouth just rattled with questions. Joe chuckled, comfortingly that it was easy. Before going on about things he's heard from Lucy at numerous occasions.

"Isn't she a trip?!" Lucy pointed, entering the living room. Joe nodded to the statement when she sat down on the arm chair nearby, her wine glass resting in her hand.

I sat listening, chuckling and pouting to myself because I was running low on the wine I was nursing. Smelling the aroma of the sauce just about done.

Lucy and Joe picked up on a story. Joe talking about my interview for Thursday and Lucy talking about how much of a riot Jimmy is. She was in the mist of beginning a story about him when I heard keys jiggling against the knob.

A dark haired figure coming through before the keys hit the dish on the table next to it. Dressed in black with a brown paper bag resting in his arm.

Lucy turned towards the sound, "Gwil!" She greeted, "Running late like usual." She added, turning and shooting a smile my way. He shot a faint "Hey" before he walked closer to the chair she was in, and the amber lights hitting him more clear now. Portraying more of his features, the dark scruff peppered over his cheeks and jaw. The two buttons undone at the beginning of his collar, shining a silver chain faintly.

"Long day?" Joe added, Gwilym sighed. "Something like that." He answered, his accent being completely different than from Joe. His eyes immediately meeting me, with his brow angling a bit. My eyes bashfully hitting the table in front of me.

"Gwil, this is Sylvia. She'll be staying with me for a while." She explained, catching the slight awkwardness fill the space. His expression relaxed, probably remembering what he was told before. I shyly waved, he smiled when I did so.

Lucy offered to get him a beer, while going to check on dinner. But he shook his head, "I'm good." He replied, fixing the sleeve rolled on his arm. "I have a few in my room." He finished, saying goodnight and exiting himself.

"I wonder what's wrong with him?" Joe said before turned and looked over to me, "He's quite a character." He reassured, only leaving me baffled and gulping the last sip of my glass.

-

A variety pop station played through the alarm clock I uncovered while unpacking my new room. It was a nice room. A blank canvas with white walls and big windows looking out a fire escape to the street and building across. A full size bed, with a nightstand and a white shaped lamp. A large dresser and rack, making up for the closet that was converted into a bathroom.

I kneeled onto the dresser across my bed, lining up ten books and a few vases on the shelf above it.

"Please tell me you've never worn this." Lucy slurred after opening the second bottle of Wine. I turned my head down to her, as she sat pretzel legged on the floor and holding up a cluttered patterned blouse. Finding it as she went through my boxes of clothes, her specialty.

"I have, it was a big hit at the office." I mentioned confidently, she chuckled. "Of course it was, you worked with people over forty." She corrected, folding it before adding. "Another thing we'll work on while you're here. Let you indulge in my discounts." Quietly enough for me to catch.

I rolled my eyes, going back to sorting the look of my shelf. We got quiet again into our jobs. I hummed to myself to the bubblegum playing while I switched to the piles Lucy made on my bed to place into my dresser. The silence between got me thinking, rehashing tonight at dinner across the hall.

I wasn't sure why I allowed it to bother me, I never even heard of Gwilym until today. His first impression made me weary I guess, like I didn't belong. Even with the whole 'something's bothering him.' I was probably overthinking it all, it just gave me a weird vibe.

I looked down at Lucy again, refolding her sloppy technique. "So that guy Gwil." I spoke, seeing her head pop up suddenly.

"What about him?" She questioned, grabbing the bottle and sipping from it. I felt so silly, I shook my head. Forgetting about the whole thing but Lucy insisted.

I place my hands on the dresser with the ugly blouse still in them, "Like" I began, "Is he always so short like that?"

Lucy shook her head, "No, not always." She said, then. "I think he must've had a difficult client or something. He's a bit pretentious at times but confusing most of the time."

I felt my lips form out "Oh." Continuing with the fabric in my hands until I grabbed the next.

-------------------------------

Gwilym •

My morning has been in total chaos from the start. From waking up late and missing the first chute to work, to spilling my coffee over proofs. Then for Lolly to set passwords to all my upcoming appointments. She even went through the extent of calling three clients and booking them all in the same time. Rushing two and losing my touch to get them done. Finally reaching the waiting room for the third and noticing they left and I wasn't going to get paid from Allure anytime soon.

Luckily lunch came around and some of the pictures of the sessions I was able to finish came out exceptional. I closed shop and headed three blocks up to 15th and Canal to Jimmy Bean. Where Joe worked and made my coffee better than what Lolly would get me.

The bell over the door dinged when I entered. The place was busy for the little time before lunch. The dark wood tables taken by one to three people at each. Matching nicely with the different colors painted on the walls and odd pieces of art. Eclectic as the shop was now owned by a bearded hippie man and his wife.

The color leathered stools aligned the counter happened to be empty. I grabbed a newspaper by the door, making my way before I sat heightened from the floor. My black clads resting on the bar below. Reading the city's headlines. Waiting for my friend to get done being flirty with the blonde at table three.

"Want a scone today? Jimmy made blueberry ones." Joe asked, taking a rag to the counter in front of me. I nodded, mouthing a "Please" before my glasses back to the paper and Joe grabbed the fresh pot.

I felt the steam nearing when he poured the hot liquid into the color block mug, "So were you okay last night?" He began, before placing a plate with the scone in front of me.

I sighed, bringing the mug to my mouth and indulging the bitter black mud down my throat. "Lolly quit on me and left me a mess at the studio." I fulfilled.

I went on with a further explanation on what could've made her split. My looks, my persona, the way I was with Keya, or that I played with her feelings which I'm always good for. I know the kind of guy I am, I don't blame her for walking away, even though she left with haste. But I'm glad she learned that nothing was ever going to happen after just fucking her.

Joe eventually derailed the conversation to the importance of our rent and how he had a gig tonight at Drougie's. I was getting a little carried away about a possible gallery show being booked when the kitchen door opened. Jimmy came out blabbing to himself at first while he held it open. Then a short brunette followed after, it was Sylvia, Lucy’s friend.

"Joseph, you'll be training Miss Altman tomorrow morning in between customers." Jim  explained, as he reached her a pin name tag to decorate and a fresh black apron.

I watched as she stood poised, but it was hard for her. "Make her something on the house will ya?" He added before reminding her to be in at seven and going on to greet regulars. Once he turned around, the straightness of her lips curled.

"Thank you soooo much Joe!" She exaggerated gleefully. He just smiled at her, "No problem, no problem." He repeated, before telling her to take a seat and going to give her a 'first lesson.'

Sylvia turned the corner of the counter, her curvy figure coming more into play. Dressed in a black camisole cover by a little black cardigan. With a burnt red skirt meeting at her thigh with buttons down the middle. Loose strands of her dark brown hair falling from her ponytail and meeting her collarbone, wearing a minimal of makeup. She was quite pretty, a lovely smile and so delicate like. She sat with her posture so well and her legs crossed over the knee, showing off her platform slides.

She ordered an iced macchiato, I glanced sheepishly, seeing that she was too from the corner of her blue eyes. I smirked, deciding to redeem myself from last night.

"I apologize for my choppy behavior last night," I began, watching as she turned to me. "I'm Gwilym."

She smiled lightly, "Oh no worries." She reassured, stretching her hand towards me. "Sylvia." Her skin soft to the touch in mine.

We went back to our silence before Joe joined our conversation and opened the door for all to come out on the counter. I watched as she twirled her straw between every sip of her drink and how pretty her lashes were.

"So what made you come to New York?" I asked, she smirked looking at her cup. "Well you know Lucy. She can be abrasive in a good way." She began, "But mainly for a change and I'm looking for something bigger."

The same cliched story for every woman I've ever come across in this city. I nodded slowly, unimpressed. "Typical." I muttered quietly to myself.

Or at least I thought it was.

"Excuse me?" She asked, I shook my head trying to play it off. "Nothing." I pressed, but she crossed her arms over her chest. "What do you mean by 'typical'?" Making air quotations.

I sighed, "It's just your story is just the same like everyone else in this city." I explained, just allowing my foot to go further into my mouth.

Sylvia just huffed, mumbling a simple "Rude."

"And your story is different?" She mocked me, I chuckled. "I mean yes, I came here with a plan." I replied, she chuckled piercingly. "Wow, so different."

I looked at her straight from her mock comment, surprised to say the least that she was not going to back down but I did.

She shook her head by my sudden quietness. Placing a five dollar bill from her clutch into the tip jar before stepping down from the stool.

"Well Im not here to entertain you." She added once more, catching a swift of her perfume as she reached in front of me. "In the mean time, thanks for the scone." Saying a goodbye to a confused Joe and heading on her way.

#bohemian rhapsody #borhap #joe mazzello #mine #gwilym lee #gwilym lee imagines #gwilym lee smut #gwilym lee fanfic #gwilym lee fluff #gwilym lee fanfiction #gwilym lee x reader #ben hardy #rami malek #lucy boynton #apartment 12 #slutforbritdick

[chelseawolfemusic]

Chelsea Wolfe Interview // MusicRadar.

Full article via MusicRadar

“I’ve been able to do some really cool stuff, despite being undefinable and an outcast,” Chelsea Wolfe tells us.

It’s a strange, especially cruel double-edged sword that the more different you are as a musician to anyone else around at the time, the harder you can become to ‘market’ and gain some reward for that talent. And as compelling as Chelsea Wolfe’s music is when you take the time to listen, and it really is incredible work, there’s no escaping that the Sacramento artist’s five albums to date explore wildly diverse ground that’s difficult to label in traditional terms.

Despite an undeniable but gradual rise that’s seen her solo band play on all manner of varied bills, she remains more a cult figure than we think she should be.

“I think it makes it more difficult for any artist to break through when you can’t be put into a simple box,” she tells us backstage in Bristol on a European tour supporting industrial behemoths Ministry.

“It’s easier to ‘sell’ someone if you can be like, ‘Oh she’s an acoustic singer-songwriter from California’ or whatever. But that’s not really all I am, I have all these different sides and influences, from doom-metal and old country, to trip-hop and I bring all those things together in my own way.

“I think it’s more difficult to get certain opportunities because some people just don’t know what to do with me, but at the same time it’s been really cool because since we can fit into a lot of different worlds we’ve got a lot of different opportunities to play at festivals we wouldn’t normally fit on, because someone saw something in us.”

Wolfe’s last two albums, 2015’s Abyss and 2017’s Kurt Ballou-produced Hiss Spun find her in an undeniably heavy era for an artist who also has a whole acoustic folk compilation under her belt (2012’s Unknown Rooms). They mix dark, dense and abrasive sounds with mesmerising tones and ethereal hooks to stunning effect on a journey into Wolfe’s world, with guest guitarists including Russian Circles’ Mike Sullivan and Queens Of The Stone Age’s Troy Van Leeuwen threading through the maelstrom.

There’s a lot to talk about and celebrate here, but the beginning feels the best place to start with Chelsea…

Going right back, were your musical tastes eclectic from a young age?

“Yes, definitely. Mainly because I grew up with a country musician as a father so there was old country and blues, from Johnny Cash to Led Zeppelin - they were one of my early influences through my father. And then my mum had really good taste too; she’d listen to Joni Mitchell and Bonnie Raitt, so there’s a female folk and blues artist influence from her. I was lucky to have a lot of really cool influences.”

Vision quest

You’ve followed your instincts as a musician, but have there been times when that has been difficult?

“Not really because the label I’m on, Sargent House, are very supportive of what the artist wants to do and their vision. So there’s never been this push of, ‘You should try to do this’ or some radio-edit version. I’m not saying that’s out of the question because a lot of bands have done that and been successful doing that.

“I think I have such a lovely audience who are supportive of what I want to do, I don’t think they want me to become more commercial; they want me to just be me and that has become the biggest blessing as an artist because, as I’m writing, I feel the support coming at me from all sides and it makes me want to do my own thing and want to give the authentic version of myself as an artist.”

You were in a band before you went solo, did you have to strike out alone to find your identity?

“I think so. I started as a singer-songwriter with an acoustic guitar and my voice. Then I was putting together my first record that had folk songs and rock ’n’ roll songs and I met Jess Gowrie, who is my current drummer, and we formed the band called Red Host for a few years in Sacramento where we’re both from. And that was heavy rock, hard-hitting songs and it was a lot of fun, but I just knew I had so much more in me and I wanted to be able to do different genres and bring them into my own style. So I had to just fly free for a while to find my own voice and my own style.

“Jess and I unfortunately didn’t talk for a number of years but once we reunited a few years ago it was very clear our musical chemistry wasn’t finished and luckily we started writing songs together again and that became Hiss Spun.”

It seems like it’s been a more traditional, word-of-mouth thing with people discovering your music. Does it feel like it’s been quite a gradual build for you?

“Totally, yes. I mean we’re on year seven of pretty continual touring and that’s obviously a very old-school way to gather a following and we’ve seen the growth from small clubs to some cool theatres. So it’s definitely a gradual growth and a lot of people tell me, ‘Oh I heard about you from a friend or someone recommended it.’ I don’t get a lot of press that other musicians might get. I don’t really know why, maybe because I’m like this weirdo and they don’t really know what to do with me! But it’s been cool doing things in a more organic way.”

And those kinds of fans tend to stick with you, they’re often loyal…

“It seems like it. I see a lot of the same faces at shows and I recognize them from really early shows.”

Who have been influences on the heavier side of your music?

“Queens Of The Stone Age were a big influence for myself and my drummer, Jess. Bands that we’ve played with have ended up influencing us a lot; Swans, Sunn O))), Russian Circles even. I think playing with all these heavy bands is a reason I started going in a heavier direction for Abyss because after [third album] Pain Is Beauty I kind of imagined that I would go back to acoustic but then we were doing all these tours with heavier bands and I thought, ‘That looks like so much fun.’ I wanted to write some heavy songs that are fun to play and that I could really lose myself in.”

Is the acoustic guitar still part of your world?

“Oh yeah, I’ve actually written a ton of acoustic songs in the past year and I’ll probably focus on that next. I just follow my musical intuitions and instincts. For the last couple of records I’ve really wanted to make heavy music but now I think something in me is pulling me back to this more minimal acoustic folk, which are really kind of my origins as a musician.”

Abyss and Hiss Spun featured guest guitarists - with Russian Circles’ Mike Sullivan and then Queens Of The Stone Age’s Troy Van Leeuwen. They obviously felt like the right players to contribute to those records, but how much direction did you give them or is there a trust there from the start?

“I think it’s a bit of both. Somehow it comes together in the right way where I know this is the person I want to play on the record with these songs, and then some of the songs I’ll be like, ‘Do your thing and let’s see what happens.’ But there will be a song like 16 Psyche where I really left space for Troy and I knew that I wanted him to write a big lead part over the breakdown/bridge, whatever you want to call it, towards the end of the song. It was kind of a back and forth situation where he would play something and I would say, ‘Focus on that part.’ It was really cool to have a great player put so much trust in me as I was putting so much trust in him.”

Flooring it

On Hiss Spun there’s also more of a band-in-a-room dynamic than ever before, is that reflective of the creative process?

“Yes, I wanted this one to be more collaborative and more as a band. So we did a lot of jamming together, Jess and Ben [Chisholm, bass player and guitar] and I. Also we’d bring in different lead guitar players to add some flourishes. But a lot of it was just the three of us jamming out. The traditional rock ’n’ roll process of songwriting, and also Ben wrote a lot of the guitar parts. There’s more of his vibe and his influence there, which is cool.”

Do you find in that context there are more happy accidents with things that happen in the moment?

“Yes, totally. I can completely understand why there are people who just jam in their garage with friends and don’t ever play shows or anything. That’s really the most fun part - having some drinks and jamming with your friends. Coming up with these cool ideas. That’s even more fun to me than playing live so, yes, I think a lot of happy accidents come out of that.”

Are some of what sound like electronics on Abyss and Hiss Spun actually guitar? Do things start to blur between those worlds?

“Probably yes, because Carrion Flowers, a song that I would consider to be an electronic song, is actually a bass part that’s run through some pedals into speakers, recorded from there and then run through even more pedals. So we kind of make our own electronic sounds and we like to sample things a lot.

“Even just upstairs there’s a crazy old fan that’s making some really cool patterns so I recorded that and I’m sure I’ll use that in a song later. Ben and I are always collecting weird sounds that we’ll put into MIDI or Ableton, twist it around or top little parts of it and make a totally new beat.”

What’s the strangest sample you’ve ever captured?

“I think the strangest one so far is probably the track Scrape, which is the final song on Hiss Spun and the final song in the set too. Our friend was working at a recycling centre and I think we asked him to take some samples of weird sounds. So he sent us the sound of the tractor scraping bottles up off the floor and it just had that natural rhythm and that ended up becoming the basis for Scrape. I know people might not imagine using the floor of the recycling centre but it really worked out well.”

There’s this relationship between beautiful and quite unsettling sounds in your music, is that difficult to balance, or is it just subconscious for you now?

“I think it’s become subconscious for me. It’s something I’ve always done, whether it’s putting a prettier melody like a softer vocal part over something super-heavy, I think it makes the front of house sound guys’ jobs intensely frustrating because you have this wall of sound with this whispery vocal over it but I don’t know, it’s just what I do.”

#Chelsea Wolfe #MusicRadar

[thetravelerwrites]

Setting the Record Straight

Rating: General Audiences Fandom: 魔法使いの嫁 | Mahou Tsukai no Yome | The Ancient Magus Bride Characters: Elias Ainsworth, Hatori Chise, Ruth, Silkie, Alice Words:3985

Chise gets annoyed by people asking if she's afraid of Elias and explains exactly why she's not. Please Leave feedback.

A sharp knock at the door interrupted their afternoon tea. Elias turned his head, but Chise shot up and was at the door before he could speak.

"Alice!" He heard Chise say in surprise. "Hi, what brings you by?"

Elias stood, allowing Silver to collect their dishes, and followed Chise out into the hall. Ruth padded after him.

"Hey there," Alice said cheerfully, standing on the porch of the Ainsworth residence. She held up a gift bag. "I heard it was your birthday not too long ago. I stopped by to give you this."

Chise stepped back to give her room to enter. "Oh,” She said softly. "You didn't have to buy me a gift."

Alice laughed as she stepped inside. "Don't worry, I didn't buy it. It's a hand-me-down. I got a new one, so I thought you like to have this one. It still works great, I just don't need two." She looked up at Elias and chuckled. "That is, if your jailer here is allowing contraband."

"Die," Elias said gruffly.

Alice stepped past him, flipping her hair, and made for the sitting room without invitation. Chise looked at Elias questioningly.

"It's fine," Elias said. "I'll be in the study."

She smiled and nodded, following Alice with Ruth on her heels. The door closed behind them with a snap.

Sighing, he made for the study but stopped when he realized he'd left the book he was reading on the kitchen table and doubled back for it.

He could hear the voices of the two young women muffled through the door and decided not to intrude, but hearing his own name made him stop and lean against the wall, listening. He had a vague sense that perhaps this was a private conversation, but curiosity got the better of him.

"I doubt the bonehead would give you one of these," Alice said haughtily.

"I don't think Elias even knows what it is," Chise said, laughing softly. "He's not too familiar with modern technology; at least, not that I've seen. He doesn't even own a radio or a landline phone."

"I don't know what kind of music you like, but I have pretty eclectic tastes, so I put a mix of everything on there. If there's anything you like particularly, I can replace the songs you don't like with more of the kind you do."

"Thanks, Alice, this is really nice," Chise replied.

"So what did Elias get you for your birthday?"

"He saved my life. That's gift enough for me."

"You mean from the freak?"

"Cartaphilus isn't a freak, Alice. He was just in a lot of pain. Pain can make people do terrible things."

There was a silence, during which time Elias remembered a few terrible things he'd done while he had been in pain. He hadn't recognized it as pain at the time because it wasn't physical; it was inside his chest and stomach and gnawed at him as though trying to eat it's way out of his body.

It wasn't until after he recovered Chise and had a long talk with her that he realized the pain he felt in her absence was emotional. He was experiencing loss, grief, and guilt: three emotions with which he had been previously unfamiliar because he'd never felt them before. He was hoping now that he knew what they were, he'd be able to react better in the future should such feelings arise again, though he dearly hoped that they never would.

He had heard such feelings could cause a person to die. Before, he didn’t believe such a thing could be possible, but now he was absolutely certain it was true. If Chise left again never to return, if she were to die, could he survive that? He wasn’t sure. And even if he did survive, he would never be the same. One day of rejection was enough to destroy what humanity he possessed and reverted him back to a mindless monster, lost and devastated. If she were gone forever? If he never saw her face or heard her voice again? He feared what he might become.

Chise’s soft laughter brought him back to his senses. It was sometimes difficult to catch the undercurrent of a conversation if he couldn't see the faces of those speaking, so he melted into the wall and shimmied under the door to find a shadow within the sitting room to hide in. He caught Silver's disapproving stare as he slipped under, but ignored it.

Alice was sitting in the chair closest to the door and Chise was on the couch with Ruth's head in her lap. There was a small, white, rectangular device with a accompanying cords sitting on the coffee table. This must have been Alice's gift. Chise was right: he had no idea what that was.

"I still can't get over seeing Ainsworth turn into that huge... thing," Alice began again.

Chise didn't respond, and Elias wondered what she was thinking. Her face was impassive.

"I mean, I'd never admit this to anyone but you, but that guy scares me when he goes all beast-mode. Weren't you scared?"

"Yes, I was," Chise said, and Elias felt deep sinking in his gut. Chise always swore he didn't frighten her, but deep down he always felt that he must. How could he not? Could she have been lying? Why? To spare his feelings? She was kind enough to do so, but the thought that he truly did frighten her made him feel... he didn't know. Disappointed? No, that wasn't strong enough. Disheartened? Disconcerted? Some sort of word with the letter D in it.

"I wasn't scared of Elias, though," Chise clarified a second later, and the heaviness Elias felt evaporated. He took a breath, not realizing he hadn't been breathing.

"I was scared of the situation. I was afraid to lose Elias or Ruth, or Stella, or you. I was afraid Cartaphilus or Ashen Eye would kill one of you. I was afraid I would fail and I wouldn't be able to fix the damage I had caused. There was a lot fear and anxiety bouncing around in my head, but none of it was because of Elias."

She paused, and a shadow passed across her face, barely discernible, gone in an instant. Elias couldn’t say what it meant, but it caused an unpleasant prickling sensation in him.

She took a breath and smiled. "I know who and what Elias is. I know he can take on may forms. None of them scare me. It never has."

"Really?" Alice asked in disbelief. "You're not scared of him? Not at all?"

Suddenly, Chise's voice rose in exasperation. "Why is that so hard to believe?" She asked, throwing up her hands. "Do you know how tired I am of people asking me that, especially him?"

There was a stunned silence. Alice had backed away a little. Ruth even seemed surprised.

Chise sighed and held up her hands placatingly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. Look, let me tell you a story, alright?"

"Okay," Alice said slowly.

Chise closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "When I was eight, I was sent to an orphanage for girls in a small town outside of Okayama. By that age, I was used to doing things by myself, so I just got on with it. No one took enough notice of me to tell me what to do, so there was no need to ask permission, I just did what I needed to do. It was enough to go on with, and I survived it fairly well.” Her eyes went flat with introspection. “I think that’s why I’m so bad at letting people help me. I’m so used to being on my own and doing for myself that it just doesn’t occur to me to ask for help most of the time. I’m still getting used to that.”

“I totally get that,” Alice said. “My parents were blitzed out of the minds most of the time, so I was pretty much a street kid. I did whatever I wanted, as long as wasn’t hassled too much. A kid alone on the street is pretty much a target for every lowlife looking to take advantage. I learned to use a knife to my advantage pretty early on.”

Chise listened sympathetically in silence and waited as if expecting Alice to expand upon her story. Instead, Alice motioned for Chise to continue.

"On my first day of school in the new town, I left the orphanage and walked to school alone. To get there, you had to pass the town center. There was a big ornamental fountain right in the middle, and sitting on it was a huge red creature the size of a double-decker bus. No one else could see it; they passed it by like it wasn’t a giant nightmare looming over all of their heads. Oblivious.

“The… thing, whatever it was, was made up of nothing but tentacles, teeth, and eyeballs. Now, I was used to seeing weird things all the time and I'd gotten used to living in a constant state of anxiousness, but this was the biggest, creepiest thing I'd ever seen. It terrified me more than anything else had up to that point. I still have nightmares about it.

“I tried to ignore it, but somehow it realized I could see it and it began to follow me. It followed me to school and sat outside my classroom window, making obscene faces at me. It followed me back to the home and sat outside my bedroom window, licking the glass. It followed me for three months."

"Jesus," Alice said in an undertone.

Chise's face was dark and pained. "It constantly told me it was going to steal me away and drink my blood. It told me all the terrible things it wanted to do to me. It delighted in seeing how scared I was. It told me that as soon as I let my guard down, it would get me, and then it would lash out at me. It’s tentacles were apparently covered in barbs, because it left cuts and scratches all over me. I stopped sleeping. I stole a knife and hid it under my pillow. I kept arriving at school and back home covering in cuts and bruises. People thought I was insane and hurting myself. They didn't believe that there was this awful thing hunting me and hurting me. No one listened.

"One night, I was so tired that I couldn't stop myself and I fell asleep. I woke up because I felt a pain in my leg and when I opened my eyes, I realized that thing had managed to get the window open and was dragging me outside by my ankle. My leg was cut wide open and bleeding everywhere. I used the knife to cut at it and it let go and disappeared. The caretakers saw me with a knife in my hand and a huge gash in my leg and assumed I had done it to myself. It was the first and only time I ever threw a real screaming fit. I cried and yelled and shouted and told the caretakers that it would kill me. I told them that if they didn’t send me far away, I would run away myself. They thought I had lost mind.”

"Did they move you, though?" Alice asked.

"Oh, yes," Chise replied flatly. "To a mental asylum. The doctors there diagnosed me with paranoid depressive schizo-affective disorder with a tendency toward self harm. They deemed me a danger to myself and others and I was kept in a locked room by myself for six months."

"Holy shit," Alice breathed. Elias was equally shocked.

"Yeah." Chise was silent for a moment. "It wasn't as bad as you might think, though. The asylum had iron bars on the window, which I didn't know at the time was keeping the bad things out. It was the first time in my life I didn't see things that other people couldn't. Being alone for once was kind of nice. There was no one telling me how delicious I was. There were no creatures trying to scare me. It was quiet, but it was a peaceful quiet. I thought maybe I was actually crazy and that being at the asylum was making me better. But then they released me, and all the bad things came back. The medicine they gave me didn't help. If anything, it made me feel more crazy.

"But you know what the worst part of that story is?" Chise asked Alice, who shook her head. "That tentacle creature was not unique. It stands out in my head because it stalked me for so long, but there have been many monsters like it trying to hurt me my whole life. Some of them succeeded, and some of them weren't even fae. Humans can be just as monstrous as the monsters."

Her eyes were dark, and Alice nodded knowingly. Elias felt disquieted. Chise often talked about her past experiences with fae creatures but was far less open about her experiences with other humans. Elias hadn't thought much about it before, but now he wondered just how much she had suffered at the hands of her own people.

"When I first saw Elias, was I surprised? Yes, of course," Chise admitted. "But I wasn't scared. Compared to that red monstrosity that terrorized me outside of Okayama, Elias was practically cuddly."

Alice snorted at the description. "Cuddly isn't the word I would use to describe Ainsworth."

"You don't know him," Chise blurted out, then bit her lip. Alice smirked at her and narrowed her eyes.

"You have weird taste," Alice said.

"Hey," Ruth retorted, lifting his head off of the couch next to Chise. She patted him down.

"No, she's right," Chise said with a laugh. "But weird isn't the same as wrong."

"I suppose that's true," Alice admitted. She stood up and stretched.

"Leaving already?" Chise asked, a little disappointed.

"Yeah, sorry," Alice said. "Renfred and I are running a new test at the college tomorrow and I gotta be up early. I just wanted to make sure you got your gift. Maybe someday soon I can take you out to lunch, though."

Chise smiled in return. "That sounds nice."

Elias used the distraction of Alice's departure to quickly jump through the shadows to his study. He rematerialized and sat at his desk, attempting to look busy and preoccupied.

He heard a knock at the door.

"Come in," he called.

Chise opened the door and Ruth followed her inside.

Elias attempted to be nonchalant. "How was your visit with Renfred's apprentice?"

"She has a name, Elias," Chise said, her hand on her hips. She wore a frown. "You know, it's rude to eavesdrop on other people's conversations."

Elias sucked in a breath. So she had known he was there. She was becoming very perceptive to him, not always to his benefit.

"My apologies," he said. No point in denying it. "I was curious." He tried changing the subject. "What gift did she give you?"

"Oh." Chise held up the white rectangle. "It's an MP3 player."

"A what?" He asked, baffled.

"A music player," she clarified. The white cord attached to the rectangle branched into two separate cords, at the ends of which sat little round objects. "You select a song you'd like to hear," she said, demonstrating. He saw a small screen flip through song titles. "And then the music plays through the earphones." She held one up for him, but then faltered. "Uhh..."

"Yes?"

"Do you have ears?"

That was an interesting question. Did he? "I am obviously capable of perceiving sound, though I am not sure from where."

She frowned again. "Bend down."

He obliged her, and she held out her fingers next to where he assumed he might have ears were he human, and snapped them. "Is that louder than normal?"

"No, but I think you're on to something. Try again."

After some trial and error, they determined he best perceived sound just behind and slightly above the bone that made up his lower mandible. There was a shadowy hollow there than may have actually been an ear canal. She held an ear bud there and pressed play.

Elias listened for a moment and said, "Ah, I see."

Chise smiled and put the other bud in her ear, and they listened to the song together.

"What a pleasant tune," Elias said as the song ended. "This was a thoughtful gift."

"Yes," Chise agreed. "I like it very much.”

Elias straightened as Chise put the music device in her pocket. Chise turned to leave Elias to his work when he stopped her.

“Chise,” He began slowly. “Is what you told Alice true? About my monstrous forms never frightening you?”

Chise sighed in frustration. “Again? How many times do I have to say it before you believe me?”

“At one point, you seemed to hesitate. Why?”

Chise was silent, and Elias thought she might deny it. She looked down at the floor. Ruth nudged her hand and gave her a pointed look. She sighed again.

“Look, I want to be as honest with you as I can be,” She began. “The truth is, your forms don’t scare me. The fact that you used to eat humans doesn’t scare me. The fact that you’re bigger and stronger and more powerful than me doesn’t scare me. The fact that if you wanted to, you could devour me in three bites has never bothered me at all.”

“But?”

She paused and sucked in a long, shaky breath. “But you did scare me once. You scare me when you do things you think are rational, when you act in a way that puts others at risk because you want to help me.”

“You’re referring to what happened with Stella,” Elias said.

“Yes,” Chise said, still avoiding his eye. “You really scared me then, Elias.”

“I know,” He replied mournfully. “And I am truly sorry. I did not understand then what I stood to lose. I understand now.” He grew thoughtful and said, “When you confronted me, you said you thought I was different. You cried. I didn’t understand what you meant.”

Chise did look at him then. “The fae treat humans like they’re disposable. Like tools to be used until they’re no longer valuable and then tossed away. I had thought, because you were part human, that you would value human life more than other fae did. I was… disappointed to learn that I was wrong.”

Now it was Elias who failed to meet Chise’s eye. He hung his head, feeling guilty. There was another feeling there, one he couldn’t put a name to.

“You don’t have to love every human out there, Elias. You don’t even have to like any of them. But people are not expendable. You can’t use them with no regard to how it will effect them or the people in their lives. My life is not worth more than Stella’s, or any other human being, just because you care more about me and less about them.”

Elias was unsure he understood this. Chise was infinitely more important to him than any other human. He would gladly sacrifice every life on Earth if it meant saving hers, fae and human alike. Was that wrong? He didn’t understand how.

“What if you had succeeded?” Chise continued. “What if you had transferred the curse to Stella and she died in my place? Can you imagine how her family would feel if she never came home?”

“I’m afraid I cannot,” He replied.

“Don’t you remember how you felt when I left you and you didn’t know if I’d come back?”

“Yes, I felt…” Elias thought for a moment. The pain he felt when she left surfaced again and he struggle to put it into words. Cold was inadequate. So was lonely. It took him several minutes of reflection before he finally decided on a word that felt appropriate.

“Broken.”

Chise’s eyes widened and her lips parted. Whatever she was expecting him to say, it wasn’t that. After a moment, though, she got back on track.

“Don’t you think that’s how her family would have felt? Losing a child is devastating for most parents. If you had gone through with it, you wouldn’t only have killed her, but you would have broken her entire family as well. Some people can’t live with that kind of loss. My mother couldn’t. I barely could. Don’t you realize that?”

He hadn’t. Elias had not even taken Stella’s family into consideration in his single-minded fervor to complete the ritual. His jaws opened in surprise as sudden understanding filled his mind.

“I see,” He said in a wondering tone. “I see.”

“Do you?” She asked him. She took his face in her hands and made him look her in the eye. “Do you really see?”

“Yes, I believe I do. Loss is a terrible thing to endure. It is not a feeling I would wish upon another.” He huffed unhappily. “Is this what it is to empathize?”

Chise nodded.

“This lesson in human behavior was certainly hard-learned.” He replied.

“Yes,” She agreed. “It’s one I wish I had taught you sooner.”

Elias sighed. “I am trying, Chise,” He said plaintively. “I’m trying to learn, even though it is difficult for me to grasp at times.”

“I know you are, Elias. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. If I thought you couldn’t learn, I’d never be able to stay with you.”

“I know.” He leaned his long skull against her forehead. “Believe me, I never wish to lose you again. I need you to help me understand so that I can do better. If you are willing to be patient with me, I shall endeavor to try harder.”

She sighed and smiled, planting a soft peck on the ridge above his nose. “That’s all I can ask for.”

“Chise,” He said, pulling back to look at her better. “I feel an emotion that I cannot identify. I’ve felt it since that day when you discovered my plan and ran from me, when you cried and struck me. Can you help me understand?”

“Yes,” She replied earnestly. “What does it feel like?”

“Guilt, but stronger. A cold knot in my stomach that makes me anxious and sets my nerves on edge. But at the same time, it makes me sad. Do you know what it might be?”

She considered him, hanging his head like a berated dog and not looking at her.

“I’m not completely sure, but I think it might be… shame.”

Elias straightened and looked down at her, processing the information. “Yes. I believe you’re correct,” He said quietly. “I am ashamed.”

“That’s good,” Chise said encouragingly.

“It is?”

“Yes. It means you truly understand your mistake and are capable of learning from it. That’s a good step going forward.”

“How do I make this awful feeling go away?” He asked a little desperately. “It is most distressing.”

“Maybe you could do something nice for Stella,” She offered. “Invite her for tea, or even go with me the next time I visit her family.”

Elias nodded. “Both are fine ideas. I will do that.”

“Good,” She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tight. He draped his arms over her shoulders in return, nuzzling her head with his snout, careful not to snag his teeth on her skin.

From the circle of his arms, she looked up at him with her wide, lovely eyes. “Would you like to listen to some music with me?”

“Nothing would please me more,” Elias responded. “After, I’d like to hear more about your childhood, if that’s all right.”

“Sure,” She said, taking his hand and leading him back to the sitting room.

Since my work is no longer searchable, please do me a favor and reblog this story if you enjoyed it. Help me reach a wider audience! To help me continue creating, please consider buying me a Kofi, becoming a Patron, or donating directly to my PayPal!

Thanks for reading!

My Masterlist

The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist

#Mahou Tsukai No Yome #Mahoutsukai No Yome #The Ancient Magus Bride #The Ancient Magus' Bride #Ancient Magus Bride #Ancient Magus' Bride #Ancient Magus Bride Fanfic #Mahou Tsukai No Yome Fanfic #Mahoutsukai No Yome Fanfic #Chise Hatori #Hatori Chise #Elias Ainsworth #Elias x Chise #Chise x Elias #Alice #Silkie #Silver Lady #Ruth #My Writing #My Fanfic #My Fanfiction #exophilia

[georgecostanzaatemysoup]

For the prompt thing: Modern AU where Caleb is the librarian at the local library and Fjord keeps borrowing increasingly complex books in order to impress him.

Awwww!!! Sure thing, Anon :)

This is about 3000 words so I’m going to just  add a read more so it doesn’t take up your dash. Thank you for the prompt.

AO3

“Ma’am we don’t have that book,” Caleb says softly, turning the screen towards her so she can see for herself. “But I’m willing to order…”

She squints at the screen over her glasses, poking the monitor, missing the way Caleb winces when her finger leaves a smudge. “It says here that you do.”

“Yes, normally we do, but every copy has been checked…”

“If you do,” she starts slowly, narrowing her eyes at him, “then why tell me you don’t.”

“Because it’s checked out,” he says softly, pointing at the screen. “It’s not here at the moment, but I’ll order…”

“Well, when is someone going to return it?”

Caleb barely holds back a frustrated sigh. “I don’t know.”

“How can you not know?”

“Because I don’t…”

She gives him a dark look, pulling her purse strap higher up on her shoulder, and storms out of the library, grumbling under her breath.

“Have a nice day,” Caleb mutters sarcastically, letting his eyes drift back to his book. He’s not even supposed to be here today, but his inability to say no has once again screwed him out of another day off.

He hears the door open and he sighs softly, looking up from his book, watching as a girl with blue hair and a tall man walk past the counter, the girl chatting animatedly in a thick, Russian accent while the man nods along, a fond smile on his face.

“And I’m not saying, technically, that is was my fault, but I am saying, technically, that it wasn’t not my fault…”

“Jester, did you do it?”

She gives him an unashamed smile and says, “I did.”

He snorts, shaking his head, and the two disappear behind the shelf, the girl giggling at something the guy said.

Caleb closes his book, rubbing the back of his neck, and hopes these two leave soon.

Fjord watches as Jester moves all the books around, peeking around the shelf to make sure the librarian isn’t coming to check on them. When he looks back at her he says, “Don’t you think this is a little cruel?”

“I’m not doing anything bad,” Jester replies, reordering the Narnia novels by title instead of number. “Technically all the books are still in order by author. I’m just-” she moves onto another series, “-reordering them a little bit.”

When she’s satisfied with her work, Jester moves onto another shelf, and Fjord quickly fixes the books. He noticed how tired the librarian looked when they walked in, he’s not going to give this guy even more work.

“Are you interested in that series?” a voice asks from behind Fjord and he whirls around, clutching The Magician’s Nephew tightly in his hand, heart hammering in his chest.

The librarian looks up at him with his arms crossed, eyebrows raised in inquiry, and Fjord stammers, “Uh, I was just, uh…” he turns, putting the books back, and grabs one at random. “Thinking about checking this out.”

Uncrossing his arms, the librarian lets his eyes drift towards the book in Fjord’s hand. “Are you sure?”

“Uh, yeah.” Fjord nods. “Yep. I just really like-” he glances at the title. “DH Lawrence? I like how she…”

“He,” the librarian corrects softly.

“Yeah, uh, he writes. His stuff. You know?”

With a dubious look, the librarian nods. “Uh-huh.” His looks towards the bookshelf Jester had disappeared behind and says, “Is your friend going to reorganize all my shelves?”

Flushing, Fjord murmurs, “Probably.”

Eyes narrowing, the librarian says, “Then you’ve got a lot of work cut out for you.”

“Yeah.”

Fjord watches the man walk away. He jumps when Jester appears at his side and asks, “Why do you have that look on your face?”

“What look?” he says, quickly looking away and down at her.

“Like you’ve been hit with a brick?”

Scowling, Fjord grumbles, “Are you done messing with the shelves?”

“It’s no fun if you fix them,” Jester replies, pouting.

“Then maybe you shouldn’t do it.”

She thinks a minute before shaking her head. “Nah. Let’s go to the grocery store. I have a potato chip aisle I need to rearrange.”

With a sigh, Fjord puts the DH Lawrence novel back and follows her out, keeping his head down when he walks past the librarian. He swears he feels the man’s eyes on the back of his head, but when he chances a look back at him he’s silently reading his book.

“It’s not too flashy?” Nott asks worriedly, spreading her arms out, showing Caleb her new dress.

“It’s beautiful,” he says with a smile, holding his phone up so he can see her better. “I like the color.”

“Do you?” When he nods she smiles shyly. “I wasn’t sure. I liked the red, but there was this blue one…” she trails off, uncertainty in her eyes. “Are you sure you like the color?”

“I promise.”

The library door opens and Caleb looks up, watching as the guy from the other day walks past the counter. He’s accompanied by a man with head full of lavender hair and piercings; his flashy blue coat barely hiding the scars crisscrossing the back of his neck. His boots clomp across the floor as he heads towards the reference section, the other man following behind him, hands stuffed in his jeans pockets, head down. Caleb hadn’t noticed before, but he has a scar running down his face, right across his left eye. He wonders how he got it.

“Nott, I’ll have to call you back, okay? Someone came into the library.”

“Okay, Caleb. Bye.”

“Goodbye.”

He ends the face time call, pocketing his phone, and cranes his head, trying to see around the bookshelves, wondering what these two guys are doing; hoping it’s not going to be a repeat of the other day. He doesn’t feel like rearrange bookshelves again.

They return a good twenty minutes later, the lavender guy setting a pile of books onto the counter, his card sitting on top, and Caleb scans it before scanning each book, listening to their conversation.

“I could be in a band,” the lavender guy says casually, his accent lighter than the blue haired girls but definitely there.

“Can you play an instrument?” the other guy asks, and Caleb notices an accent now; something southern. How did he miss all these small details last time? He’s usually better at this.

“It can’t be that hard.”

“If you say so.”

Caleb pushes the books towards him, setting his library card on top, and he offers Caleb a smile and tilts his head into a slight nod. “Thank you.”

“Have a good day.”

As he steps away from the counter, the other guy sets a book down and says, “Hello.”

“Hello,” Caleb greets him, looking down at the book. “Joseph Conrad is very good.”

“Is he?” the guy asks, glaring back at his friend when he snorts. He turns back to Caleb and smiles. “Would you recommend him?”

“Uh, I guess. He can be difficult to read, but you seem clever.” He scans the book before realizing he hasn’t scanned the man’s card yet, face flushing. “Sorry,” he murmurs, keeping his head down.

“It’s fine.”

Caleb risks a glance up at the other man, and he notices the sincere look on his face, and the way his ears are a little red. He’s not sure what caused the redness, but he’s not about to ask either.

He quickly corrects his mistake, handing the book and card back to the man, and says, “Have a nice day.”

“You too.”

He risks looking at the computer as he’s leaving, wanting to get a name, furrowing his eyebrows when he reads the five letter word: Fjord? How did he even pronounce that?

As soon as the door closes behind the two men, Caleb immediately calls Nott.

Fjord keeps the book for a week before returning it, feeling a little guilty that he hadn’t actually read it. He’d tried, three times, but he couldn’t get into the plot and his eyes kept slipping over the words without really taking them in, and by the end of the week he had to admit he just didn’t like the book.

He drops the book into the return bin, tapping his fingers against the top, telling himself he should just go home, but he really wants to see that librarian again.

But what if he asks about the book, he asks himself.

Lie, he replies, the voice sounding a lot like Jester.

He doesn’t want to lie to the guy, but he really doesn’t want to admit he couldn’t get into the book either. Especially since the guy called him clever; he really should have just read the book.

“Oh, hello.”

Fjord turns around, watching as the librarian walks up the steps, tattered brown jacket unbuttoned. He’s holding a set of keys, and Fjord realizes the library isn’t even open yet.

“Uh, hi.”

“You finish your book?” the librarian asks, unlocking the doors.

“Yes,” Fjord lies, shooting a guilty look at the return box. “It was-” he trails off, searching for the right word. “-great.”

“What was your favorite part?”

“I just-” Fjord shrugs. “Everything?”

A skeptical look crosses the librarian’s face, but he nods and says, “Okay.” He pushes the doors open, gesturing for Fjord to enter the building first, and follows him inside.

“I have to get the computer set up, but feel free to look around. Perhaps Conrad isn’t for you.”

Before Fjord can respond, the librarian has already walked away, disappearing into the back office to drop off his coat. Fjord sighs, shaking his head slowly, and starts browsing the shelves.

Caleb is crawling around on the floor, looking for the thumbtack he dropped, when he hears someone approach the counter. He gets up too quickly, cracking his head, and swears in German.

“You okay?”

He recognizes the voice immediately and his face flushes. He stands up, keeping his eyes down, and nods. “I am fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

He looks up at the man who most definitely did not read Conrad; at Fjord. Caleb doesn’t blame him, he barely wanted to read him in college, but he doesn’t know why the guy lied to him; it’s not like he would have cared. Sometimes it took a few tries to find the right book.

 Caleb glances down at the book the guy set on the counter, tilting his head. “Infinite Jest? You sure have an eclectic taste in books.”

“Just keeepin’ my options open,” Fjord replies, ruffling the back of his hair.

“Okay.” Caleb takes his library card from him, scanning it, and scans the book too. When he hands both back to him, he can’t help asking, “Your name?”

“How is it pronounced?” Fjord says and Caleb nods. “Like Ford. The vehicle.”

“Why the J?”

“Why not?” Fjord winks, walking out of the library. Caleb flushes and he sits down in his chair only to hop up.

He sat on the thumbtack.

Fjord doesn’t get very far into this book either before giving up. He sighs softly, shaking his head, and gets his laptop. He searches for book titles that sound smart, but would hold his interest. He has to read something, just so he can talk to the cute librarian about it. The guy always has his nose buried in a book every time Fjord goes into the library. He likes to read; Fjord can learn to like to read. He just needs to find the right book.

He drops Infinite Jest off in the return slot that night after work, a list full of potential book titles crammed in his back pocket. He nods at the librarian when he steps into the library, heading into the back, and starts searching the shelves.

“Do you need help?” he hears the librarian call from the front.

“Uh, I…” Fjord sighs, heading towards the front of the library. He stops at the counter, digging his list out of his pocket, and drops it on the counter. “Do you have any of these books?”

The librarian scans the list, nodding slowly, and says, “We have all of these books.”

“Do you?”

“Yes.” He turns to the computer, typing in the first title on the list, and sighs softly. “Looks like that one has been checked out.” He types in the next one, but that one has been checked out too. One after the other, all of the books Fjord had found on the internet are not in the library. The librarian shakes his head slowly and says, “I’m sorry. Perhaps I can find you something else?”

“I mean… I was hoping…” Fjord hangs his head, letting out a slow breath. “Okay. What would you recommend?”

“Do you have any hobbies?”

“I, uh, I make model boats? You know, in the bottles?” He’s not sure why he sounds like he’s asking a question, but he’s grateful when the librarian doesn’t comment on it.

“Do you like sailing?”

“Haven’t been sailing in years?” Not since his father died, but Fjord had loved it when he’d been a kid. “But yeah, I don’t mind it.”

The librarian looks up, smiling, and says, “Robert Louis Stevenson.”

“What?”

“That’s who I recommend.” He gestures towards the far shelves and says, “I think you’ll enjoy him.”

“Thanks. Thank you.”

“Anytime.

Caleb looks up when someone sets a book on the counter, smiling when he sees the grin on Fjord’s face. “Enjoy the book?”

“I did actually,” Fjord answers, nodding enthusiastically. “Thank you for recommending him.”

Caleb nods. “He’s written more books. If you’d like to read them.”

“Yeah, I would.” Fjord hurries back towards the shelves, returning a moment later with two books. He sets them on the counter, handing Caleb his card, and curiously asks, “What’s your name?”

“Hmmm?”

“Your name? I figure, I’m in here a lot. I probably should have asked your name a while ago.” He flushes and says, “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s…” Caleb sighs, dragging his name plate out of his desk drawer. “I tend to remove it from the desk. So, you know, I can avoid answering questions.”

“You’re not much of a people person are you?”

Caleb shrugs, handing the books back to Fjord. “Books I get; people are just…” he shrugs again. “Enjoy your books, Fjord.”

“Thank you, Caleb.”

It’s the first time Fjord’s ever said his name; Caleb can’t lie. He likes the way he says his name.

Fjord returns two days later, sans his books, with a perfectly good plan in mind. He’s going to march up to Caleb’s desk, say hi, and then ask him politely if he wants to get coffee sometime. It’s a good plan, despite what Molly, Jester, and Beau said, and he’s not going to mess it up.

His heart sinks when he finds a tall woman sitting behind the desk, typing something on the computer, her dark hair pulled back into a ponytail, white strands of hair hanging down on either side of her face. She looks up when Fjord approaches the desk and says, “Can I help you?”

“Uh, where’s-” Fjord trails off, taking a breath. “Is Caleb here?”

“He has the day off,” the woman replies, scratching at the black tattoo running down her chin. “He’ll be back tomorrow.”

“O-okay.” Fjord nods, turning to leave the library, stopping short when the door opens and Caleb walks inside.

They stare at each other for way too long, neither one saying anything, the moment breaking only when Yasha asks, “Who comes into work on their day off?”

Caleb shrugs, ruffling his hair. “I ran out of books.”

Yasha looks between the two men, a knowing smile on her face, and she mutters, “I seriously doubt that.”

“Can I talk to you?” Fjord asks, ignoring Yasha’s comment, and Caleb nods.

Yasha picks up a pair of headphone, cramming them on her head, and a loud guitar rift suddenly emits from the speakers. She looks back at the computer, staring intently at whatever is on the screen, and Fjord can’t help the amused huff that escapes his lips. She’s not very subtle.

“What’d you want to talk about?” Caleb asks curiously, crossing his arms.

“Uh, I just…” the light drifts across Caleb’s face and Fjord’s breath caught in his throat. “Gods, you’re beautiful.”

Face turning a fierce red, Caleb whispers, “What?”

“I, I didn’t…” Ears burning, Fjord coughs, running his palm across the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud.” Mutely, Caleb nods, looking down at his feet. 

“No, wait, I did,” Fjord says quickly, crossing the few steps to stand in front of Caleb. “You are; you are so beautiful.”

“I’m not.”

“You are,” Fjord insists, hesitating for a moment before resting his hand against Caleb’s cheek, slowly brushing his thumb against his skin. Caleb leans into the touch, closing his eyes, warm breath stuttering against Fjord’s palm.

This hadn’t been part of Fjord’s plan; this is so far from Fjord’s plan. He had a perfectly good plan; what happened to the plan?

Screw the plan. He leans forward, resting his forehead against Caleb’s, and he softly asks, “Is it okay if I kiss you?”

Swallowing heavily, Caleb nods, elation soaring through Fjord’s chest. He isn’t sure who kisses who first, but it’s sweet and nice and he’s never following any of his plans ever again.

Behind him, he swears he hears Yasha murmur, “About damn time.”

When they break apart, Caleb breaths softly against his cheek and whispers, “I lied.”

“What?”

“About the books you wanted. We had all of them.”

Fjord laughs quietly, pressing his forehead against Caleb’s again, and he says, “I’m glad you did.”

They kiss again, much longer this time, but they break apart when Yasha clears her throat and says, “As happy as this moment is for you, I’m pretty sure it’s frowned upon to make out in a public place. Just saying.”

Fjord nods, still impossibly close to Caleb, and softly asks, “Wanna get out of here?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

#widofjord #critical role #modern au #caleb widogast #fjord #thank you again anon #my fics #i'm going to be honest i probably could have done better trying to find increasingly difficult books

[salavante]

Top 5 favorite band/songs?

I got double tapped for this so I’m gonna do a top 15. I love music and have eclectic tastes, and so I am going to talk a lot. I think I could be asked what my top 100 were and be able to fill it out (it might even be easier). I’m also going to put this under a readmore so it doesn’t stretch anyone’s dashboard. But, if you’re interested in my thoughts, or are looking for some tunes, give it a whirl. Using “I Say Fever” as a header of sorts. 

1. “Desperados Under the Eaves” by Warren Zevon. I first heard it after the end of my first campaign with Jake, and I associate it with Odwain a lot. There is something about it that makes me think of a great, yawning desert opening up in front of me, full of possibility. Someplace I can get lost in. My other favorite songs by Warren Zevon are “Lawyers Guns And Money”, “Veracruz”, “Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner” and “Tule’s Blues”. He would’ve been higher on my Artist ranking but the fact is I pretty much just listen to Excitable Boy over and over again.

2.“I Say Fever” by Ramona Falls. I like the rest of Ramona Falls’ musical catalog, but this one stands out as something really unique and special. It has a sort of ominous, melancholy atmosphere, but has a pulse-pounding, frantic chorus. Oh, and the music video is dope. 

3. A Coheed & Cambria song belongs here but it’s very difficult to choose one. I can easily say that they are my favorite band as a whole, and many of their songs are in my regular rotation, but I can’t think of one song specifically that I play over and over again over all the others. Good Apollo I’m A Burning Star IV: From Fear Through The Eyes of Madness is without much question my favorite album, but that’s because I find each song consistently good and that the album as a whole has a really rich, well paced atmosphere. I’m gonna pick more than one song to share a lot, and that’s just gonna be how it is.

“Random Reality Shift” is my favorite song that is acoustic. “In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3” and “The Crowing” are my favorites of their older material. The opening chords to In Keeping Secrets give me chills every time. “The Writing Writer” and “Once Upon Your Dead Body” are my favorite from Good Apollo. “Number City”, “Domino the Destitute”, “Ghost” and “Island” (music video is very entertaining) are my favorite of their newer stuff.

4.  “Harvest of Sorrow” / “Mirror Mirror” by Blind Guardian. It’s hard for me to choose my favorite Blind Guardian song, so I’m gonna do a slow one and a fast one. I was first acquainted with “Harvest of Sorrow” as “Mies de dolor”, the spanish version, which I ripped off some website in 2011. And for awhile it was the only Blind Guardian song I had other than Battlefield and The Maid and the Minstrel Knight, and I was only familiar with it in spanish. I went looking through their catalog years later and found it in English, and being able to put words that I could understand to the feeling of melancholy and powerful instrumentals felt like an epiphany. I devoured the rest of their music, which I immediately connected with, and haven’t looked back since. Mirror Mirror is just fast paced and pumping with a very screamable chorus, and also reminds me of Wybjorn. Makes me turn the volume all the way up every time. (my other favorite ones are “Prophecies”, “Twilight of the Gods”, “The Bard’s Song”, which is heartfelt and hopeful, and “Sacred Worlds”)

5. “Skin” by Oingo Boingo, which barely beats out “Just Another Day”, and also “Wild Sex (In The Working Class)” and “No Spill Blood”. Kind of a bummer but in a very cathartic way. A relatable sentiment on a few different levels (mental illness, dysphoria, etc). Sometimes you just need a song that makes you feel sad and introspective, and this is that song. 

6. “Input Source Select” by De Staat. GET YOUR FREAKS OUT, LET’S GO. A song for when you’re on the warpath. Reminds me of the feeling of burning, righteous anger because I had it on when I was powerwalking to go give a guy a piece of my mind. Other favorite songs by them are “Sweat Shop”, “Systematic Lover” and “Witch Doctor”.

7. “A Hazy Shade of Winter” by Simon & Garfunkel. I grew up with a lot of music by these guys, and supposedly Paul Simon’s Graceland album played at my parents’ wedding. But, this one is my favorite song by them. It has a sort of anxiety about impermanence that I gel with a LOT. Also, if I had to pick one song for Odwain, it’d be this one. The Bangles cover is pretty good too. I also like “The Boxer”, “Only Living Boy in New York”, “Cecilia”, “America”. My mom is also fond of “Punky’s Dilemma”, which makes me fond of it. 

8. “Storm Coming” Gnarls Barkley. I said this in a previous post but a lot of the Gnarls Barkley songs really resonate with me as a person who’s, well, got some mental illness problems. It very much reminds me of the frantic ‘up’ periods I go through where I feel like a force of nature. Something thrilling but also kind of unpredictable and overwhelming. (other picks are “ Run (I’m A Natural Disaster”, “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul”, “Open Book”, “Just A Thought”, “A Little Better”. “Charity Case” reminds me of a really specific time in my life and it just twists my heart like a rag). The album The Odd Couple is all fantastic.

9. “Ghosst(s)” by Lorn. Dark and moody with resonate, grinding orchestral instrumentals. And the music video is fucking amazing, I highly recommend it. In addition, “Weigh Me Down”, “Diamond”, “The Well”, “ Acid Rain” and “Anvil”.

10.  “Man” by Neko Case. I don’t really know what her intentions were with this song, I don’t really care. It makes my transmasc ass feel good and like I could knock the teeth outta a guy 10 times my size. And I mean I’ve done this with every other band so far, so, other songs I like are “Where Did I Leave That Fire”, “Furnace Room Lullaby”, “Prison Girls”, “Hold On, Hold On”, and “Atomic Number” And “Supermoon”, which she did with KD Lang and Laura Veirs.  

11. “Rabies” by Aesop Rock. Just such a menacing atmosphere to this song, with intense, snappy lyrics.  “It might’ve heard something in the walls / could’ve been voices / could’ve been claws / could’ve been the rebel yell of something more evolved”. Other picks - “TUFF”, “Kirby”, “Rings”, “None Shall Pass”, “Supercell”.

12. “The Shrine / An Argument” by The Fleet Foxes. Folksy, Good n long with a really amazing, swelling transition. Another incredible music video, which had art direction by Stacy Rozich, who is a wonderful illustrator. I like this band a lot in general, other good songs are “Mykonos”, “Grown Ocean”, “Blue Ridge Mountains” and “English House”.

13. “Mistadobalina” by Del The Funkee Homosapien. The Gorillaz were a gateway to me in regards to finding the rest of Del’s music. Mistadobalina remains my favorite, however, and is the catchiest shit in the world, though I also really like his Deltron 3030 stuff - “Mastermind” “3030” and “Time Keeps Slipping”.

14. “Squarehead” by Hello Seahorse. This song is very dear to me, as it reminds me of one of my most favorite people and the stuff we’ve made together. Other songs I like by them are “Tristes”, “Para Mi”, “El Artista” and “Can Let You Go”.

15. “Atomic Bomb” by William Onyeabor (both the Original and the Hot Chip Remix, they’re both good in different ways.) The remix is really smooth and bouncy, but the original is very mellow and has a lot of its own unique character. A lot of his songs are 6-7 minutes long, but have more instrumentals than vocals, making his voice feel precious. I also like “Fantastic Man”, “Body And Soul”, and the Heaven & Hell Remix of “Do You Want A Man”.Thank you for coming with me on this, a ~musical journey~. 

[tinyglowingsharks]

Answer all the asks please. If you don't have the mental spoons for it then that's ok

lmao sure, thanks friend!

moon: what is your astrological sign?

Sagittarius (not avery good one)

gingerbread: your moral alignment

Neutral good

birdseed: family or friends?

Friends,probably.  All the family I have time for are my friends anyway so

sheets: your sexual orientation

Bi if I’m with gaypeople or people who ‘don’t believe in labels’, queer with everyone else.

warm milk: when do you usually fallasleep?

About11:30-midnight, usually.  I do not function well without enough sleep so Ihave to go to bed earlier than I would like, but then it takes me an hour or soto get to sleep anyway. 

pot of honey: your gender identity

oh, it’s [loudnoise from passing truck obscures answer]. Gimme those they/them pronounsthough

snow: what is your favorite time ofyear and why

I like very earlyand very late summer.  I like the end of spring where the days arestretching out and weather starts being consistently (ish, it’s still scotland)not awful, and everything feels optimistic and brighter. And then I like theends of summer when the air starts smelling of bonfires and the days are warmbut the evenings grow cooler and everything feels like snuggling and settlingin

yarn: what are your most enjoyablehobbies?

Love me someknitting, it’s really relaxing and gives me something to do with my hands andalso you get cool stuff out of it.  Also I’m getting more into folkmusic/dancing recently - i was gonna say morris dancing but actually i don’treally like morris dancing as an art form, but I really like playing the musicand I love singing (hit me up for some filthy folk songs) and have gone to afew sessions and such which were really cool. And I really like folk danceslike ceilidh, bal and contra - I like the fact that each time I do it I’m lessshit. I am a bit of a baby on the scene but it’s still good, there’s usuallyalcohol to numb the embarrassment, and the people are really nice.

bicycle: what are you talented at?

Words. I am good atword-ing.  Writing stuff, reading stuff, copy editing, etc.  I am agood person for words.

folktale: what stories remind you ofyour childhood?

I read so much as achild and have so few memories of being a child in general that actually mostof the memories I have are mixed up with reading. But I guess some of thesignificant ones are Harry Potter (of course), Lord of the Rings, the VeryHungry Caterpillar (we did that as a school play and I was a strawberry), we’reall going on a bear hunt, His Dark Materials, the Earthsea trilogy, and Redwall.  Also the Houndsof Morrigan and the myth of Niamh of the Golden Hair.  Also, my dad was ahuge story teller.  He used to do stories more or less on demand - I’dgive him prompts and he would make them up to order.  Notable onesincluded one about a snail whose name I forget, one about the Penalty Fare, afunfair where people who committed civil misdemeanours went for punishment (ina masterful anticipation of Final Destination 3), and an ongoing series calledLittle Miss Good, Little Miss Bad and Little Miss Tries-to-be-good.  Idon’t remember any of them clearly, but they are wound firmly in with memoriesof my dad and my childhood.

woods: where do you feel at peace?

The sea. Always, the sea.  Anywhere quiet outdoors with big skies. GlasgowNecropolis.

chicken feet: what is your emotional“flaw”?

so many

red cheeks: what makes you nervous?

Was gonna say SOMANY but actually, not that much really? I draw a distinction between nerves and anxiety, which I have for daaaayyys(though not badly enough to be a major Thing). Mostly I get nervous about talking to my mum about difficult stuff, honestly.

sunflower: what do you love and cherish?

My friends, my mum, my Victorians, myPhD, my bisexuowls shawl, sharks.

bells: what sounds are your favorite or calm you the most?

The sound of the sea.  The sound of wind chimes.  The sound of the rain and wind.  I struggle to listen to music because itmakes me think too much but repetitive, soothing nature sounds shut my brain upat least a little.

turnip: what is a food you could eat everyday?

Garlic.  Doesgarlic count? it’s more an ingredient than a food but i’d happily eat it inmost things. As a first year in uni I ate so much raw garlic in a few days (cosI worked out how to make bruschetta) that I made myself sick, but these days Iwould garlic differently.  Not just eating clove after close of crushed garlic.

spit: do you get jealous easily?

Not really

mushroom:list unique things you like about yourself

This is really hard – especially the ‘unique’ bit.  I like that I’m an excellent speller and thatI have synaesthesia and that I have terrible handwriting. 

cupboard:a good childhood memory

We used to occasionally go to the Snowdon region of Wales as a family, cosmy mum’s best friend at the time had a cottage there so it was free, and weinherited a lot of their traditions, one of which was this hill that the friend’shusband used to race up and down with his friends from a nearby (now long-gone)hostel before breakfast, giving it the name Breakfast Mountain (its actual nameis Brin Brith in case any of you know it, it is a fairly unremarkable hill inall respects except it is cherished of my family).  We used to climb it whenever we visited,though not before breakfast.  I have alot of good memories of climbing it but in particular one time I rememberstanding on the top with my dad and he did that thing where you hold a child bytheir arms and spin so they like fly out, on the edge of the mountin, so Iremember the warmth of the sun and my laughter and my dad’s hands on my wristand the flashing alternation of the estuary, far below, and the mountain top grass,a few feet from my face.  I realise I’m talkingabout my dad a lot but I don’t remember a lot of my childhood and much of whatI do remember that is happy is either books or my dad.

eyebags:what do you think makes a person attractive?

God, it’s such a cliché but confidence can make a person attractive.  Being a nice/good person makes themattractive too.  So does beingfunny. 

fallenlog: something you’ve gotten over that you never thought you would

Coincidentally, I have just accidentally stumbled over an email chain ofthe aftermath of a fairly messy breakup – the end of a major, 3 year, late-teens,unhealthy, rite of passage, heartbreak and drama, serious relationship.  At the time it was a pretty big deal involvinglots of crying and a fair amount of drama, and thinking it would never end and I’d never be over it, but on looking back at the emails, Idon’t remember a lot of the gory details they allude to, and I have no feelingsabout it except relief that I ended it, albeit about two years too late. He’san MRA now so, bullet dodged

dagger:your worst fear

being completely unloved/losing everyone I love

whisper:do you have any secrets?

Yup.

wildboar: which person do you feel closest to?

I have a small collection of four people who are Very Important. Theyaren’t all friends with each other but they’re all people I’ve met in Glasgowand they are excellent in very distinct ways.  I’m not gonna name them but I like to thinkthey know who they are. The one I feel closest to at any point varies but it isalways one of those people.  

sweet:what candies or cakes are you fond of?

I like chocolate eclairs,  I likelemony things, and I like werther’s originals cos I’m a grandad

footprints:do you remember your past lives?

Not a thing, sorry

fur:name an animal you feel connected to

I feel very connected with rodents. Especially guinea pigs.  (aren’tyou surprised I didn’t say sharks)

vodka:do you drink?

Yeah!  I didn’t really drink regularlytill I got to Glasgow, then after a couple years I mostly stopped cos I was TooSad to drink and didn’t have fun drunk. But then I started again when I joinedMorris dancing because I got over the thing I was sad about and Morris is avery alcohol-oriented sport. The people I hang out with are really fun to drinkwith and it’s drinking as socialising rather than drinking to get drunk which feelslike a Better Choice.

sourcherry: an obscure tradition from your family?

We aren’t a huge family for traditions, honestly, but one that me and mymum do (mostly at my behest honestly) is get a Christmas decoration to remembermy dad every year.  He’s been dead almost20 years and we’ve been doing this consistently for about 15, so eventually thetree is going to be entirely eclectic stuff I’ve picked up over the years formy dad.

pineneedles: what is your favorite scent?

I really like rose, and I really like vanilla.  I am about as boring as can be. I do notcare.

heart-shaped:do you believe in love? are you in love?

I think it’s hard not to believe in love. There are people I love, inlots of different ways

home:where do you dream of living?

Honestly, I want to stay where I am now. While being by the sea or going to the Netherlands appeals, I love mycity and the life I have built here.

spice:list your favorite herbs

I actually tend to prefer spices to herbs – gimme all your paprika andVanilla (is vanilla a spice???) and pepper – but I like basil, rosemary,lavender, lemon balm and sage.

mud:something you’re insecure about but trying to love

My entire self honestly.

tobacco:do you have any addictions?

Nope

sock:how would you describe your clothing taste?

Predictable.  Give me a colourfulprint on a mid-thigh or knee length fit and flare or skater dress, and some blackleggings, and that is me happy.  That isalso the entirety of my wardrobe.

cuckooclock: are you a morning, a noon, or an evening person?

Depends on what youwant me for.  I’m best at productivity early in the morning, but terribleat social skills. I’m best at like, physical tasks and walks and stuff in theafternoon when I’m properly awake and feeling restless, and best at socialisingin the evening (but not too late cos my brain falls out at about 10pm).

woodenfence: a favorite memory

When I was in undergrad I fell, predictably, into the DnD crowd, and Ihave lots of really nice memories of that time. Including: sleeping over after dnd, which was basically not sleeping butstaying up talking quietly about the sort of thing you can only talk about onsomeone else’s floor at 4 in the morning, and not sleeping over after DnD, butwalking the 3 miles uphill from the town to the university, again quietlytalking, and if you timed it right you’d get to the top of the hill just atdawn and you’d see the sun rising over campus like a promise,  Seeing dawn from the ‘other’ side, going tobed after it rather than waking up before it, still feels really special to me.

#i love getting asks #thanks friend #about me #like more shit than anyone ever really needed to know about me #certainly killed snow day time though #long post

[creative-type]

Good vs Great: Details Matter

So with the release of the new Thor movie I thought it would be appropriate to write a post celebrating one of the greatest superhero movies of all time. Released before the genre really got popular, it has everything one could hope for in an action flick: Strong character and story, tense action, and timeless themes. The movie wasn’t produced by Marvel,  DC, or even Fox.

It was Pixar. Pixar made the best superhero movie, and I will fight anyone who disagrees.

Like most things I write about, I absolutely love this movie. I remember seeing the trailers for it way back in 2004 and was obsessed even before it was released. As a middle schooler I sought out reviews and merchandise, and even clipped out an interview with director Brad Bird out of a newspaper. I got the two-disk special edition as soon as it came out and watched every special feature and both commentaries...more than once. 

So usual disclaimer: I will try to keep my clearly unhealthy bias under control, but no promises.

Before going too deeply into why I think The Incredibles is such an, er,  incredible movie I think it would help to compare it to another animated family film that covers a lot of the same narrative themes but without the same emotional weight.

To be clear, I don’t think the first Despicable Me movie is bad, but many (myself included) consider The Incredibles to be one of Pixar’s best movies and a classic in its own right. The question here is what elevates The Incredibles from good to great, and I think the devil’s in the details.

Pushing Boundaries   

One thing that becomes clear when watching the commentaries for The Incredibles was that it was freaking hard to animate. Remember, this was back in 2004. Pixar had never made a movie starring humans. They had no idea how to do long hair (Violet) or heavy muscle/feats of strength (Mr. Incredible). Budget constrictions limited the number of “universal men” the animators could use for crowd scenes. In fact, Bomb Voyage actually shares a character model with Frozone, albeit slightly modified. 

That’s just the human characters. Water and fire are both difficult to animate, and The Incredibles has its fair share of both. And remember the opening montage, when Mr. Incredible’s car transforms into the Batmobile? That was difficult, time-consuming animation and it shows up twice, and never outside of the opening (it would have been once, but the animators felt if they were going to go through all that effort they might as well make it worth their while.)

And behold, one of the most technically difficult scenes to animate in the entire movie

I know, I was surprised too, but it seems the act of Bob and Edna putting their hand through the ripped suit gave the animators fits. Apparently they asked Bird if there was a way they could cut around actually showing the action itself because it was so damned hard. 

I will be the first to admit that being technologically innovative does not always lead to a good movie, but there’s something to be said about pushing the boundaries and just seeing what happens. With a budget of $92 million it wasn’t as if Bird and his team were working with peanuts, but they did everything they could to make the best use of their money.

Despicable Me does have a strong aesthetic that separates it from Pixar or DreamWorks, and these visuals are a good fit for the tone of the story. The exaggerated proportions of the characters is right at home in the zany world that they live in. I don’t think Gru’s daft plan to steal the moon would have worked as well in a film with a more traditional Pixar look.

But as far as animation quality goes, there’s nothing particularly special with Despicable Me. To some degree this makes sense. Despicable Me had fewer resources to work with. It was Illumination’s first feature film, and a flop could have sunk their studio. 

Despicable Me is a fun little romp, but it also plays it very safe. The story is by the numbers, and it does enough for the warm fuzzies at the end to feel earned. It is very much a kid’s movie, without ever thinking too deeply into its characters or the natural consequences of their actions.

The Incredibles is an animated film, but it doesn’t really feel like a kid’s movie - and in fact Brad Bird caught some flack for some of the violence and dark implications of the film. It does not pander to children.

With that in mind, look at this scene between Helen and Bob

I bring this up to show some of the nuance that goes into visual storytelling. Any married couple could tell you that Bob and Helen are not really arguing about Dash here. This is a long-standing conflict that’s been simmering for years, and it highlights the effects Bob’s major character flaw has on the family. 

All of that is found in the script. It’s a scene that could be found in a movie, book, or play. While well-written, there’s a universality to it. It was up to Bird to add something to this scene that I think only works in an animated film.

Look again at the end of the scene. When Helen shouts “It’s not about you!” she uses her stretchy power to tower over her more physically imposing husband. It’s such a tiny detail, but it completely changes the dynamic of the argument and their relationship as a married couple.

And apparently figuring out this scene was so memorable that producer John Walker mentioned it in the commentary and Edwin Catmull (current president of Pixar animation studios) specifically brought it up in his book Creativity, Inc

(I have somewhat...eclectic tastes in literature)

And this is what I really mean about pushing boundaries to bring out the best of a story. You don’t need millions of dollars to animate a husband and wife arguing, but you do have to pay attention to what they’re saying and how they’re saying it to 1) make sure it fits the plot/tone of the movie you’re going for, and 2) have it feel real/authentic to the audience.

I didn’t ever get this feeling of authenticity from Despicable Me, and it’s not just because of it’s overall more light-hearted tone. Kung Fu Panda was loaded with humor and had its protagonist voiced by Jack Black and it still managed to have more emotional depth. The world and the majority of the characters who live in Despicable Me are flat and one-note.

The biggest example can be found in the girls Gru ends up adopting. For one, Edith has no impact on the movie whatsoever. She could have been cut and nothing would have changed. To me that proves that the girls could have been given more depth.

Secondly, the effects of Miss Hattie’s abuse are never really explored. If anything it’s played for dark comedy  

With this scene alone Illumination had the setup for a truly despicable, Dolores Umbrige-style villain, but nothing ever comes if it. The movie wastes run time with a montage of the minions going out shopping, but it can’t be bothered to tell us that Margo, Edith, and Agnes aren’t actually blood siblings or how they came to be as inseparable as they are.

The Incredibles is a movie about a man reconnecting with his family trapped in the guise of a superhero flick. As Brad Bird said, it’s the fantastic and the mundane smashed together into something that’s both awesome and very human.

Despicable Me had the potential to do the same, this time exploring a non-traditional family structure, foster care and adoption, and the difficulties of being a single parent. And don’t get me wrong, it does do some of those things, but often they take a back seat to the more superficial aspects of the story. Illumination didn’t plum the depths of their concept like Pixar did with theirs, and that’s the difference between being good and greatness.

#The Incredibles #Despicable Me #Pixar #illumination studios #Mr. Incredible #Bob Parr #Elastigirl #Helen Parr #Gru #Margo #Edith #Agnes #Writing #Animation #creative-type analyzes

[nic-and-annie-in-france]

Belated Christmas Thoughts: Amsterdam

New Sights and Smells

Our BnB in Amsterdam sat in the middle of downtown. After arriving, Annie and I walked to dinner and explored the area around where we were staying. The streets were narrow and crowded with people. Trashcans overflowed and litter was thrown on the ground. It was loud and chaotic and everything had a funky smell. Needless to say, I was not in love with Amsterdam at first.

Amsterdam was a city of canals. That was neat until I realized how often I used a body of water (a river in most cities we’ve been to, or the Mediterranean in Marseille) to help build a mental map of the place and orient myself. I kept getting turned around in Amsterdam because I couldn’t distinguish one canal from the next. Thankfully, Annie had a map on her phone, and used it to guide us.

The museums and sites we saw took us away from the cramped, smelly part of Amsterdam. I’m not exactly sure where they were in relation to where we were staying other than “away.” One of the museums sat on a street running parallel to a canal. Having a body of water between the buildings opened them up and alleviated the claustrophobia of the tall, narrow streets. We also found parks and pretty historic streets. I started liking Amsterdam more not after seeing that all of Amsterdam is dirty and smelly.

In Copenhagen, everyone biked and the traffic system was built to accommodate that. It was clear which areas were for pedestrians, cars, or bikes. In Amsterdam, everyone biked, but the right of way among cars, bikes, and pedestrians was anyone’s guess. There were several times when a parked car took up all of the side walk and we had to step out into traffic to get by, or a car blocked the bike lane and the sidewalk became the new bike lane, where the cyclists still tried to run us out of their way.

Despite making pathfinding difficult, the canals made for a lot of pretty scenes with their charming canal houses. The house were tall and skinny, but always varied! Tall windows looked out onto the canals and no two buildings on the same block would be the same height. Rather than a meticulously planned style of architecture, the streets looked like the accumulation of different tastes and time periods, like an eclectic art gallery.

A row of houses along a canal

Another canal in Amsterdam

Van Gogh and Waffles

To celebrate Annie’s birthday, we spent the morning in the Van Gogh museum. Both of us really like Vincent Van Gogh, but Annie knew more about him than I did (she knows a lot more about art that I do). His paintings were a delight to look at, with their swirls and eye catching colors. Placards in the museum told us about Van Gogh’s life and work, and Annie told me about the style and the significance of the compositions. It was like I had my own personal tour as I learned the biography of Van Gogh from the museum and art history and appreciation from Annie. 

For her birthday dinner, Annie really wanted pancakes or waffles. We searched for a diner that served breakfast and wasn’t outrageously expensive. It was evening, but we found one that was promising. When we asked if they still served breakfast, the waiter looked a bit confused and said he would ask the kitchen. I heard a chef laugh and let out an incredulous, “breakfast?!” The waiter told us, no, they were not still serving breakfast at this time of day. We decided to search for our pancakes/waffles somewhere else and came upon a build-your-own waffle shop. They had sweet. They had savory. They had crêpes. They had waffles. It was perfect.

I opted for a savory crêpe with jalapeños, chicken, nacho cheese, and chipotle sauce. Annie went sweet and ordered a waffle with bananas, chocolate syrup, peanut butter, and whipped cream. We split them 50/50 and had fantastic birthday meal.

The big 2-5

Rembrandt

Another day, we visited a house that Rembrandt, the 17th century Dutch artist, lived in later in his life. He mainly painted, but also made art by etching. We saw his press and saw a demonstration of the etching process. The artist used several different tools to etch an image into a copper plate, each utensil being used to create a certain depth or thickness of line. When the copper plate was finished, the artist covered it in ink and sent it through a heavy press. A sheet of paper captured a mirror image of what was etched on the plate. I was amazed to see the precision and detail in Rembrandt’s prints, made simply by scratching into a piece of copper.

Rembrandt had a “room of curiosities” that housed marble busts, sea shells, swords, spears, turtle shells, a blowfish, and one barracuda suspended from the ceiling. Rembrandt used these objects two ways: as references for his paintings and as a means of impressing his visitors. But much more impressive than his “curiosities” was Rembrandt’s actual work.

Annie and I saw one of Rembrandt’s most famous paintings at the Rijksmuseum: The Night Watch. Admittedly, I didn’t know about the painting before we saw it. But the painting would have surpassed any expectation I had. It was nearly 12 feet by 14 feet and depicted a militia departing for night watch. The museum had laminated reference sheets with an infographic of the painting explaining some significant aspects of it. Typically group portraits of the time portrayed stationary people. But the people in The Night Watch are moving: the captain is thrusting his hand out as if he is in the middle of a pep talk, a man is drumming, a dog is barking, someone is firing a gun from the middle of the crowd. The handout also pointed out the contrast of light and dark (which Rembrandt is known for) as well as other details about the composition. I love when a museum helps educate me on the significance of what’s there. The Night Watch was impressive to me when I knew nothing about it, but it became even more so when I was able to see what made it so special.

I didn’t like Amsterdam at first: I was tired from traveling and the city seemed dirty and smelly. I began to appreciate it more once I saw it opened up with canals. But the city’s biggest appeal to me was its museums: the Van Gogh museum, Rembrandt’s house, and the Rijksmuseum. These were enriching not just in the artworks they held, but also in the stories they told of the artists’ lives. 

Another Canal

A canal with boats!

#nicolas #nic #travel

[bellabooks]

Music and writing: A harmonious match

Do you listen to music when you write? It’s a pretty common question and most writers feel pretty strongly about it one way or another. I myself can’t listen to music when I’m writing for the blog, but I definitely have playlists for when I’m writing fiction. At the moment, I’m ears deep in turn of the 20th century and Appalachian folk music for a period piece I’m working on. I asked the Bella authors about their writing and music habits, and they filled my inbox with their thoughtful responses. Maybe you’ll even get some inspiration for your own writing.   Genevieve Fortin: When I lived alone I never listened to music when I wrote. I usually had the TV set on the Food Network in the background. Then I bought a house with a lovely woman who is also a talented musician and likes to play the guitar or the piano while I write. I have to admit it sets quite the creative mood. So much so that she recently played a piece that became the main inspiration for a new novel. I’m not telling you what piece, but I’m very excited because it’s the first time music is such a driving force to my writing. Sometimes my musician prefers listening to music while I write and that’s fine too as long as said music is instrumental or, if there are words, they have to be in English. Although our first language is French, I can’t listen to French songs when I write in English. If I try, both languages collide in my brain and I can’t function. Karin Kallmaker: I’m a long-time “slow music for fast times” Hearts of Space kind of listener, and I find ambient music works like nothing else when I’m really on a roll writing fresh text. It makes the room quieter and my mind freer. Vidia Wesenlund, Lisa Gerrard, Michael Stearns – they’re all perfect. A true favorite is Brian Eno’s Bell Studies for the Clock of the Long Now. Artists like David Bowie and Moby have produced ambient works that are on also on the 34-hour+ Writing Music playlist, and there’s a hand played instrument called a hang that produces a bell-like steel drum tone – total ear candy. On the other hand, when I’m self-editing I can go more up-tempo. I totally love ElectroSwing. But still no lyrics – other people’s words make it harder for me to find my own. Riley Scott: When writing more intense scenes, I choose to listen to silence (or at least as silent as it can be with my three dogs snoring nearby). However, during the stages of mapping out what I want to happen during a specific writing session or in the beginning stages of my writing session, music is a must for drawing inspiration and setting the tone. I listen to a variety of music, as I do in my everyday life, and my choice depends on what type of scene I’m writing. My all-time favorites to write to include Stevie Nicks, Melissa Etheridge, Tracy Chapman, Brandi Carlile and Halestorm, although for my latest novel, A Time to Speak, I spent a lot of time listening to country artists, as the story is set in Texas.     Tracey Richardson: Music most definitely can inspire my writing. While I don’t always write to music, I sometimes do for important scenes if I need a little emotional jolt. When I was writing a short story set in the Second World War, I set up a playlist of music from the 1930s and 1940s, which really helped me “feel” like I was back in time. For a romantic scene, I sometimes throw on a playlist that includes such songs as “Ain’t No Sunshine”, “Sara Smile”, “Falling Slowly”, anything by The Carpenters. Music played a huge role in my romance novel The Song in My Heart. My musician friend Elaine Dark wrote a song specifically for the book, and I even learned how to play guitar so I could feel what my characters feel when they play music. I like to think that music and fiction are close cousins (kissing cousins?)! E.J. Cochrane: I find the Thao and the Get Down Stay Down station on Pandora incredibly helpful for writing. I get a nice blend of quirky, indie, mostly female musicians that seem to inspire more quirkiness in the mostly female characters in my mysteries. D Jordan Redhawk: I always listen to music when I write. It’s my version of white noise that keeps the real world at bay while I’m concentrating on my novel. And every book has its own unique soundtrack! Tiopa Ki Lakota’s playlist held both Irish folk music as well as powwow tunes. Darkstone and Pixie (my next book!) used the same list—Linkin Park, Bullet For My Valentine, Kidney Thieves, Celldweller—to evoke the nu-metal mastery that was the focal point of that world’s magic. While writing Alaska Bride, I listened to Acoustic Labs, Alex Murdoch, KT Tunstall and a creepy disc by Jordan Reyne.     Heather Rose Jones: I used to play music a lot while writing—fiction, non-fiction, day-job stuff, anything. It always had to be something without lyrics (which interferes with the words in my head) so it helps that I have a vast library of classical favorites. I fell away from the habit due to the environments I write in. So if you count the ambient music at Starbucks or Peets’ Coffee, that’s my usual soundtrack! I can’t very well play music while I’m doing dictation, which is my current first-draft method. But when I was polishing up the climactic chapter of Mother of Souls—the one with the magical opera—I sat out in my garden playing Antonin Dvorak’s “Carnival Overture” on a continuous loop, because that piece perfectly encapsulated how the opera was supposed to make the characters feel. Marie Castle: What most people don’t know about me is that I studied piano and trumpet for most of my formidable years. I played with both marching and concert groups until my eyesight decreased to the point that it was difficult to read music. Making music and/or listening to it has been part of my life for so long that it’s hard to be creative without it. I find it helps me set the pace and mood when writing, drowns out random street and house noises, and generally keeps me focused, especially when writing late at night. I have very eclectic tastes, so what I listen to depends on the personality of my characters, the setting, and the purpose of any given scene. If the scene is at a piano bar, I’ll put on piano music. If my main character is a country girl who sings along with Shania and dances in her socks while cooking dinner then upbeat female country is on tap. If it’s a love scene, I pick a romantic, tantalizing playlist. Heavy rock or sharp fast electric for the fight scenes, swinging techno for dance scenes. Acoustic pop when writing humor…cause there’s enough clichés there to keep you laughing for hours. Listening to lyrics is fine when editing. But when writing new scenes, listening to unfamiliar lyrics can be a distraction. I find myself wondering what the singer is saying rather than what my characters need to say. So for new material, I often choose karaoke, instrumental, movie soundtracks, very familiar tunes, or something similar. MB Panichi: For me it depends on my mood, what I’m writing, and what part of the writing process I’m in, and if the words are flowing or not. The harder I need to think, the more the music or background noise needs to be things that I won’t sing along with or get too involved in. And sometimes, I just like it quiet. If I’m listening to music, I have a go-to playlist on my iPhone called  ‘Chick Metal All Heavy’  that has all my favorites.  Lots of guitars and drums, and all female lead singers with female backing bands where possible. I like it loud enough to make my ears bleed. (Okay, not literally. That would ruin my headphones.)  Some example bands in the list: the Agonist, Kittie, Evanescence, Halestorm, Straight Line Stitch, Level C, Epica,  L7, Otep, Mystica Girls.  For when I just need background noise, and I have some nature sounds files I use, with ocean surf, rain and thunderstorms. http://dlvr.it/Ntl7lg

#D Jordan Redhawk #E.J. Cochrane #Genevieve Fortin

[anneedmonds]

An Interiors Tizz and Two Helping Hands

All of this house-styling stuff, this current obsession with Instagram-perfect interiors, it’s driving me to distraction! I’m just so torn. On the one hand, I want to put some effort into doing up my house – I want to make it lovely and I want to do it justice. It’s rather handsome and grand and – quite honestly – our battered de Sede sofa (not to be confused with a de Sade sofa, which I’m not sure even exists but would be something very, very different) doesn’t quite cut the mustard. (I thought that it would look cool – an iconic mid-century piece juxtaposed with classic regency styling – but it just looks old and knackered.) The walls, of which there are many, are all painted in varying shades of white and very pale grey, which is fresh – and possibly handy in providing something of a blank canvas – but lacking personality.

But where do I start? There are so many options, so many different ways to arrange and frame and layer. And I’ve been scared to get going, if truth be known, because I feel a little bit overwhelmed by it all – both the scale of the project and the vast amount of choice that we now have when it comes to wallpaper patterns, paint colours, carpet weaves, sofa sizes, curtain fabrics, curtain tracks, lightbulb wattages, rug edgings, tap finishes, window catches… It’s a bloody minefield.

So on the one hand yes, I want to do the house justice and “get it right”, but on the other hand I have Mr AMR who is (I think) entirely sick of the whole thing and would just like some carpet down and some wall lights up and a bedside table to rest his radio on thank you very much indeed. And who is of the school of thought (probably quite rightly) that a house is for living in and that it should be comfortable and practical and warm. However, he also happens to be very opinionated about interior decorating, which makes him far less laid back about the whole thing than he might initially seem. He loves good furniture and wallpaper, hates painted walls and MDF and has an obsession with “inside outside spaces” (think huge, floor-to-ceiling glazing, a la our old house).

It’s clear, then, that things aren’t as straightforward as they could be with this whole house-decorating lark. An abundance of choice when it comes to decor materials, which is often not a helpful thing, an indecisive, often-in-disagreement couple (though we both adore the light we had made for the living room, pictured above) and a work life spent mostly on social media, where the interiors style du jour is “white wall + succulent + some kind of typography”. Which isn’t a diss, by any means – it’s a lovely, unfussy look –  it just makes things more difficult when there’s an avalanche of imagery that’s all quite similar. You start to wonder whether your own tastes are misguided or too eccentric or just plain wrong.

But last week my style doubts were dispelled and my interiors passions reignited thanks to two people. The first, Kate Watson-Smyth, has a book (and award-winning blog) called Mad About the House and I cannot recommend it enough. I’ll write a lengthier post about it, but it basically does away with the dubious Pinterest interiors “guidance” and tells it like it is, which is that you should be decorating your home for you and your needs but also choosing things that make your heart sing. Not just beige because it’s practical. One of the things I love about the book is that it has very little in the way of pictures, which is good, because it doesn’t cloud your thoughts with fluff and forces you to think about your own spaces and how you want to use them, rather than being led by images of other people’s houses. It’s filled with practical – brilliantly useful – advice and so, if you don’t know where to start with your home, whether it’s the dark hallway you want to revive or a whole house overhaul, this is the book for you. I bought mine on Amazon here*.

The second person to reignite my interiors spark was the wonderful Martin Waller, who founded the iconic interiors brand Andrew Martin in the 70s. The flagship Andrew Martin showroom is on Walton Street in London and I went there with Angelica on a very rainy Monday morning to take a look around. I had seen some rather splendid furniture for the living room on their website and wanted to see it “in real life” and I was so glad that I made the trip because it turned out to be an absolute treasure trove of beautiful, eclectic, sometimes-bizarre finds. Andrew Martin has quite the heritage when it comes to designing and building sets for films and making amazing, theatrical props. They do large-scale installations for shows (I saw photos of gargantuan wooden elephants, replica life-size space rockets, salvaged propellor planes) and often do the interiors for big, glitzy hotels and houses and this experience and interiors joie de vivre absolutely reveals itself in all of the things that are displayed in the showroom.

I was in my element. Quirky, unusual, slightly off-beat objects are my interiors catnip. Which is why I went away quite a lot lighter in the purse department after having bought an oversized Jeff Koons-inspired balloon dog statue. Haven’t got the foggiest where I’ll put it, but it has arrived in Somerset and is currently crated up in a mass of bubble wrap in a corner of the living room. Which will make for an interesting conversation when Mr AMR gets home… Ironically, I didn’t even get around to ordering any furniture because I didn’t want to choose it on my own – there were so many things that would have been perfect. So we’re going for a second trip, this time perhaps without Angelica, who spent an hour dancing over the top of a light installation that’s set into the floor at the entrance, and with Mr AMR.

The furniture range that I have my eye on is the “Rufus” range – the brass on these shelves goes perfectly with the brushed brass lights I have in the living room and the wood is walnut, which seems to be our familial wood of choice. Along with rosewood. Can’t seem to shift those mid century leanings! This sort of thing is my ideal style – a bit of low-key glitz from the satin-finish brass, a touch of warmth from the wood and those clean, elegant lines. There’s also a console table and a coffee table, I love them all.

Lots to feast your eyes on if you go to the Andrew Martin website, but I would absolutely say to drop in at the showroom if you’re in London – I left feeling very invigorated and inspired but also comforted by the fact that there are other people who like giant apples and OTT lighting and wallpaper with flocked penguins on it. Although what I did love about the place was that the more fantastical things were sort of anchored, or tempered, by the beautifully-made, timeless pieces of furniture. There was something for everyone. I’ll take better photos the next time I go!

More interiors stuff coming up – I’ve had lots of requests for a post on lighting, so I’ll round up my current favourites for you to peruse. Also I have a sofa positioning dilemma that I need you to help solve – I realise it’s not up there with the worst of the world’s problems, but if you like floorplans and mathematical quandaries then you might find it enjoyable.

The post An Interiors Tizz and Two Helping Hands appeared first on A Model Recommends.

An Interiors Tizz and Two Helping Hands was first posted on April 17, 2018 at 12:58 pm. ©2017 "A Model Recommends". Use of this feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this article in your feed reader, then the site is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact me at [email protected] An Interiors Tizz and Two Helping Hands published first on https://medium.com/@SkinAlley

[foundcarcosa]

ccxxi.

Do you ever go shopping with your parents (not including grocery shopping)? >> I don’t live with my parent, so no. Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life? >> I’ve never had a sleep disorder, but I have on occasion experienced abnormal sleep (todash dreams, extremely light sleep patterns). Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. >> Yes. That’s not the particular kind of graphic content I’m here to peddle.

Have you ever read anything by Chuck Palahniuk? What did you think? >> I have, but I found him largely unmemorable and a little overblown at the time. I might reread Haunted or Invisible Monsters and see if I get anything out of them this time. How do you tend to amuse yourself on long car journeys? >> Listen to music, read, play phone games, talk to the driver, daydream, nap.

Do you find that caffeinated or alcoholic drinks make you pee more than normal? >> Yes.

How often do you need to charge your phone and iPod (on average)? >> My phone is still new, so I usually don’t have to charge it more than once every couple of days. Do you still enjoy watching Disney movies? >> I didn’t grow up watching Disney movies (the only one I saw as a kid was The Lion King), so my appreciation of them is actually pretty recent. What are some interests you have in common with your parents? >> My father and I are both rather eclectic and syncretic in our approach to spirituality, we are both fond of DIY art projects, and we both find culture and history -- particularly of the nonwhite variety -- endlessly interesting. We actually have a lot in common, I think. How old were you when your parents trusted you to stay home alone all day? >> I was never trusted to do that. (Probably fair.) If you could go to one country for two weeks, all expenses paid, where would you go and why? >> I’m not sure. There are so many countries I’d love to visit, and also so many that I don’t know enough about to know whether I should visit or not.  Do you drink more or less water than is recommended? >> I don’t know how much is recommended (and I probably would take it with a large grain of salt even if I did know), but I think I drink enough water for my needs. Do you like taking walks? >> I do, but not around here. What do your parents think about piercings and tattoos? Do you agree with them? >> My father was against them on me (not entirely sure of his opinion of them in general, especially factoring in cultural customs and whatall). I obviously don’t share his opinion. What are your religious beliefs? Are these the same as your parents’? >> I don’t have any specific, delineated religious beliefs. I go where the river takes me. (My father, last I knew, aligns himself with the Great Spirit concept and related animistic elements, with a heavy dose of Bible influence.) Do you find it difficult to get to sleep early when you have to be up for something the next day? >> Yes, because I don’t naturally fall asleep early. Who has more influence over your taste in music - friends or family? >> I don’t know what has the most influence over what music I listen to aside from just... chance. I run into songs I love, I find more from the artist, I find artists similar to that artist... it’s usually pretty organic. Do you crave alone time, or are you someone who loves being around other people a lot? >> I love my alone time. It gives me the balance required for me to appreciate other people when they’re around. Are you one of those people who texts back instantly? >> Usually. Assuming money wasn’t an issue, what car would buy right now, given the chance? >> I still can’t drive, but if I had the opportunity to buy a car, I’d buy a Tesla Model 3 and then Sparrow would drive it until I could. Do you think going to college/university is the best option after you’ve left school? >> It’s the best option for someone, certainly. Is it easy to sleep late in your house, or are other people pretty noisy in the mornings? >> Sparrow’s at work in the morning, so it’s very quiet (barring any outside noise, since I do live in an apartment complex). But I don’t normally sleep too late anyway. I like to be up in the morning quiet. Do you prefer watching movies alone or with other people? >> I like watching movies with people who are fun to watch movies with.

Do you like cherry Pepsi? >> Yes.

Have you ever bought a CD and hated it the first time listening to it? >> Probably. Do you usually speak your mind? >> I try to be discerning about when to speak my mind. Are you a hopeless romantic? >> In some respects.

When was the last time you were given flowers? >> I don’t recall ever being given flowers.

Is there something you want to forget? >> No. What do you want to name your children? >> Nothing is final on that note. Would you ever write a letter to someone you haven’t met yet, like your future spouse? >> Nah. Did the last movie you watched make you cry? >> Nah. Do you sleep on the couch some nights? >> Technically I do sleep on a couch (it’s a futon and I leave it in the upright position). Also, I used to sleep on the actual couch exclusively when I first moved in here, but I think both of these options are probably unsustainable in the long term. I’m already starting to feel it in my neck. Do you carry a mirror in your purse? >> I don’t carry a mirror in my anything. Do you believe that there is beauty in everything? >> I, personally, can find something to appreciate in a lot of different things, but I won’t say everything. When you’re really worked up, what do you do to relax? >> Talk to -- or, rather, listen to -- Can Calah. Look for a distraction. Try to ride it out. Would you rather spend the day watching movies or on an intense hike? >> I would love to do an intense hike and then come back home and chill out with dinner and a movie. Are you more of a ketchup or dill pickle chips type? >> I have never had the former, am ambivalent on the latter, and actually prefer sweet onion or salt-and-vinegar chips. The first time you smoked, did you cough like a fool? >> No. When you were younger, did you have a Neopets account? >> No. Would you rather live without your Facebook or Tumblr? >> I’d rather never see facebook again than never see tumblr again, no question. Have you ever held an uncommon pet before (ex: mouse, spider, snake, lizard)? >> I’ve held lizards and rats. And I’ve petted a snake. I wish I knew someone with a spider. Would you rather eat only cereal or only toast for the rest of your life? >> Screw that. Have you even been to a drive-in movie? >> No. I keep forgetting that apparently there’s one around here? Or near Wayland? I’ll have to keep that in mind for summer. Is white or dark chocolate better? >> Dark. I hate white chocolate.

Who was the last person you got in a fist fight with? >> Vlad...? I can’t recall, but probably. Would you rather eat a bowl of plain white rice or a can of cold soup? >> Feh. I’d rather just not eat. Did you and your mom ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? >> --- Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better? >> Yesterday had a couple moments I’m not willing to repeat, so I’m going to bet on today.

This weekend, have you got plans? >> Friday night is some Christmas-related gathering at the in-laws’. Saturday is laundry day. Sunday is Christmas Eve service at Kentwood Community Church and I guess whatever other Christmas Eve-related shenanigans go on. Would you ever date someone who was absolutely gorgeous/handsome but thought they were better than everyone? >> No.

Do many people dislike you? >> Not to my knowledge. Do you dislike anyone? Why? >> Sure. Various reasons, all particular to the individual. Do you think you will be in a relationship 2 months from now? >> Sure. Do you always feel like you’re making mistakes? >> No. Who did you last play truth or dare with? >> I can’t recall the last time I’ve played that. Do you like yourself? >> Sure. Do you have empty bottles of alcohol hidden somewhere? >> No, since I have no reason to hide them. What grade is the last person you texted in? >> She’s not in school. Have you changed in the past 6 months? >> Sure. What were you doing at midnight last night? >> I think I was either watching Squidbillies or poking around on Reddit. Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships? >> I actually seem to have done both at the same time in the past few years.

#surveysofsamedi

[russellthornton]

Black Sheep of the Family: 22 Signs You’re Going Against the Herd

Constantly feel like you’re a bit of an outsider in your own family? Here are 22 simple ways to tell if you’re the black sheep of the family.

Have you ever looked at your parents or siblings and thought “How are these people even related to me?” It makes you wonder if you’re the black sheep of the family. They seem so different that you keep checking your birth certificate because you’re convinced they adopted you.

They look like you, but they couldn’t be further away from what you’re like. You can’t agree with them on anything, from politics, to religion, to TV shows, and constantly find yourself in petty arguments. And despite your attempts, they just don’t seem to “get you.”

It’s as if you were abducted by this family. Now forced to spend countless holidays with them leaning over the dinner table to complain about your job, or scold you for that new piercing you went and got. All while you secretly plan how to crack open the bathroom window and escape, so that you don’t have to hear another word.

How to know if you’re the black sheep of the family

Chances are you’ve known you’re a bit of a black sheep for a while. You just got used to it. The rebel figure in the household, and you know you’ll never be like your family. But you’re at peace with it.

If you’re still not sure whether or not you are actually the black sheep of the family, here are 22 signs that you’re the odd one out of your relatives.

#1 You never fit in. No matter how you acted or behaved, you never truly felt like you fit in with the rest of your family. There’s always been a difference in the way you are, and the way they are. It’s as if they’re total aliens to you, and you can’t seem to relate to them. [Read: 16 strategies to get your shit together]

#2 You don’t live up to expectations. You seem to have a habit of going against the grain when it comes to expectations. When your mum tried to dress you as a little girl, you refused to wear the frilly dresses. Or when you were a little boy you hated sports. You can’t tell if they’re disappointed in you for that, but you also don’t really care.

#3 You have your own look. You don’t look much like the rest of your family at all. Showing up to a family gathering with an edgy new haircut, crazy makeup, or an obscure fashion style has always been your bag.

You change it up and push the boundaries of how it is acceptable to look. You hate the idea of blending in with your peers or family members.

#4 School was the worst. You never wanted to be a cheerleader, you didn’t like chemistry, and you didn’t get on with many other kids, apart from your close circle of friends. But they hated school just as much as you did. Your grades generally reflected this, much to your family’s dismay. [Read: Burn bridges or leave it? 15 clear signs it’s time to walk away]

#5 People are convinced you’re adopted. There are too many times to count, when people see you around your family and were surprised when you said you’re related. You’ve also convinced friends you weren’t kidnapped as a baby by this weird family that seem nothing like you.

#6 You do your own thing. You stick out like a sore thumb from your family, but you’re pretty proud of it. You don’t share the same personality traits, quirks, or mannerisms that they do. It just makes you more unique.

#7 Your family tells you how to live. You’re so used to your family telling you what you should be doing with your life that you learned to block it out. They constantly try to assert some control into your life. Just keep moving forward and do what suits you best. [Read: How to ignore people who mentally stress you out]

#8 You were always just going through a weird “stage in your life.” You’ve heard the words “it’s just a phase” or “you’ll get over it” far too many times. And yet here you are, years later, still living in your “phase” and loving it.

#9 Your SO is never good enough. It doesn’t matter who you bring home to your parents. They always find something wrong with your significant other. They disapprove of the way they talk, their job, and their style. But that’s only because they have such high expectations. [Read: 10 tips for setting boundaries with difficult people]

#10 You’re full of firsts. You were the first one in your family to get tattoos, move away from home, get a super chic hairstyle, and always the first to speak your mind. Your family thinks you’re wild or impulsive, but you’re actually just a bad-ass trailblazer.

#11 Family fights are your forte. You often find yourself in the middle of family fights—mostly unsure how you got there. Chaos seems to find you. Probably because you find it difficult keeping your opinions to yourself when a family member says something stupid. Instead of calming the situation, you fuel the fire.

#12 You express your personality with your music. Your taste in music has either been completely eclectic or totally wacky. If your family listened to country or R&B, you were the one head banging to punk. You listen to bands most people never heard of, and thoroughly enjoy annoying your relatives by blasting it loud at family gatherings.

#13 You go against the grain. Whatever people want from you or expect you to do, you do the opposite. There’s nothing more boring to you than being the same as everyone else. Instead you let your distinctive outlook on life dictate what you do—no matter what, because that is what the black sheep of the family does.

#14 Your family has a lot of face palm moments with you. You find you constantly embarrass your family when you go out in public with them. Whether it’s a simple trip to get groceries, or a night out at a restaurant.

You talk louder, act bolder, and react stronger to things than they do, but you don’t mind if that draws attention to you. Even if they do. [Read: Negative Nancy: 17 traits and ways to deal with their attitude]

#15 Settling down is for suckers. Everyone around you is settling down and getting married, and you still can’t decide what shoes to wear today. The idea of staying put and letting your roots grow terrifies you. You still want to explore, have adventures, travel, and date new people. So, don’t tie down that wild spirit just yet.

#16 You’re not scared to try something new. In a horror movie, you’re the one that walks head first into a dark room without turning on the light. You aren’t afraid of unfamiliar situations and don’t let anything hold you back or intimidate you, despite your family’s pleas for caution.

#17 Swear words are a regular part of your vocabulary. You’re always getting told to tone down your language, or being told you swear like a sailor. When I was in high school, my mother put a swear jar in our kitchen. I managed to fill it within a week. You can’t help the potty mouth—at this point it’s just an unavoidable bad habit.

#18 Responsibility is not your strong suit. You’re a little scared of holding babies, because you’re terrified you’ll drop them. You also keep forgetting to show up to events you promised ages ago you’d be at. When it comes to important decisions, you’re generally not the one left to make them as the black sheep of the family.

#19 Your career choice seems odd to them. While your siblings have gone on to become doctors or lawyers, you did your own thing and decided to set up your own bakery. Or become a professional poker player. Or an app developer.

No matter how successful or fulfilling, your job will always be a topic of conversation amongst family members. [Read: How to be comfortable in your own skin: 20 ways to love being you]

#20 You’re used as a word of caution. Although your family loves you, you generally hear the phase “as long as you don’t end up like that” or “don’t copy their example” when your parents talk to your siblings or cousins. Wear that like a badge of honor. Better to be a cautionary tale, than a forgettable face.

#21 Family gatherings are awkward AF. You never really know what to say to your aunts about how your life is going, and you don’t have much in common with your cousins. Plus, the idea of sitting through your grandparents telling the same stories three years in a row drives you crazy. And the holidays are mostly just a big attempt to avoid any family get-togethers. [Read: Sense of self: 21 steps to raise it and feel like a million bucks]

#22 You’re super self-sufficient. The only way you know how to be is fiercely independent, and you rely on yourself in all situations. You’re always the first to stick to your guns and have your own back, no matter the opposition.

You don’t need anyone else to stick up for you or your lifestyle choices, because you’re a self-styled maverick that makes no apologies. Secretly, your family admires you for it and loves the black sheep of the family.

[Read: 15 steps to take if you keep saying “I hate my family”]

Hopefully you figured out whether or not you’re the black sheep of the family. Next time you feel like you don’t fit in with them, don’t worry. Just keep being your unique, wacky self!

The post Black Sheep of the Family: 22 Signs You’re Going Against the Herd is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.