#its gonna be a STRUGGLE replacing those foods with these foods and etc
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hi hello i couldn't sleep last night so i was scrolling thru all ur asks and stuff and ur opinions and analyses are so interesting!!! and then afterwards i was thinking about what u were saying about mlm smut and i'd also been thinking about such things a little bit recently bc like.....at a certain point it becomes quite clear that the vast majority of smut-writing is just imitation. like there's the sex noise verb list and all and the whole general mechanics of the sex and those things just .... replicate over and over. and the whole thing w people writing mlm vs wlw smut regardless of their own sexual orientation..... like i feel like a big part of that is just a self-perpetuating thing. like if u have not had sex and u r getting all ur (pleasure-related) sex ed from fandom (even if u do watch porn, that doesn't rlly tell u how to describe stuff? idk) regardless of What fandom , the majority is going to be mlm smut. which is itself majority imitation of other mlm smut, imitating and imitating back to whoever knows what the first smut fanfic was etc. there's just way More to mimic than there is on the women side of things. which then becomes a self-perpetuating thing, bc the mimicry continues and generates more and more. and---if there are fundamental misunderstandings of anatomy involved---those self-perpetuate as well. and maybe even exaggerate. and yeah. does this all make sense? idk i was just thinking about it. like all the stereotypes and stuff continue bc writers are getting their inspo from other writers rather than their own brains. or something. idk!!!!! it's just all... divorced from reality? bc words. or something!! i hope u get what i'm trying to say. just thoughts i've been thinking. anyway i think ur thoughts are cool. and ur writing. ok bye have a good day!!
Okay yeah this is kinda messy but hope u see this, uhh yeah I think you're right about the echo chamber effect fr about stuff. I think it's a mix of projecting too sometimes. talk more under the cut and also link to a video essay since I love video essays.
Here’s a video that sort of touches on this topic:
“Gay fanfiction” by Sarah Z. (has CC)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8E_C00dKwI
This video begins to talk about fetishization at the end, but also… not really. The words “gay fanfiction” is used as a catchall, when really gay fanfiction is largely mlm written by non-mlm.
Fandom is a largely women's space dominated by the female gaze in a media industry world that is dominated by men and the male gaze. I'm really glad women have this space to explore creativity and queerness, and I don't expect the female gaze to go away, but I am still ultimately bummed out I can’t read most fanfic or interact with most fandom spaces without having fetishization in my face.
So about 80% of fandom is women, and most of those women aren't straight, but 90% of those women prefer mlm ships. Why don’t they prefer wlw ships? Well definitely part of it is the fact that queerbaiting is centered around white straight men, and then there is also the fact that women tend not to be written as well charcter wise. But the fact still remains that you get jerjean getting priority over Layla and Alvarez who are in canon just as much and are a canon wlw couple who actually interact as well as Alvarez could likely be a woc because of her Hispanic last name. Korasami doesn’t get nearly as much hype as zuko and saka, despite the fact that they are 2 fully dimensional characters who canonly kiss and hold hands, something the creators fought for and ended up having to sacrifice another reboot for.
I do believe the fandom echo-chamber is largely responsible for… a lot of things, like you're saying. But what's interesting is that the complaints I've heard about visual porn from non mlm in the fandom space is that they can’t get off to it because its for the male gaze and misogynistic usually. But they also don't seem to notice how the mlm smut circles has the female gaze and is also… almost always mlm. If it was a pure anatomical not knowing thing, I get that, but I also think that leads to the question of “then why the male body for porn, and not your own? The one you know and are familiar with?”
I know some people want to get outside of their own body for porn and don’t want to think of their own anatomy at all, but overall I'm still uncomfortable. If an anglo said “well I watch porn of only Mexicans so I don't self insert” I'm gonna be like … hhhh in a similar way. I understand people “like what they like” but I wish they also noticed said patterns in the first place. I understand the t4t tumblr porn circle, and how it's different from cis people who only watch trans porn.
I actually wished that instead of fandom focusing on mlm ships where some asshole guy hits on bottom troupe charcter for top troupe character to save, was instead… a wlw character experiencing said shitty getting hit on and other wlw swooping in. what's interesting is fandom writes a lot about misogynistic experiences without often realizing it. Ive read fanfic where guys get called sluts for sleeping with people or called bitch for speaking their mind, these arent things men usually experience, but rather women. Fandom has a lot of internalized misogyny and also queerphobia imo. Women characters often get pushed to the sidelines and men become the canvas for female fans to project onto.
There is this natural inclination to mlm. When people are talking about “gay shipping” or “gay books” or “gay feels” or even just “gay” mlm is what’s largely in mind. I honestly am kinda saddened by this because if gay fanfiction was really solely about writing more to feel represented, then you would see a lot of bi and ace and lesbian rep, but this isn't the case. Queer women are seriously underrepresented, and I want to hear their stories and read them in fanfiction as well as published. 50% of lgbt literature is mlm, and of that its largely written by women. Becky Albertalli, Rainbow Rowell, Maggie Stiefvater, are the YA big names and are all women writing mlm. Red white and royal blue is written by Casey McQuiston and Captive prince (which is not YA) is written by C. S. Pacat, who is non-binary, but is also TME and not mlm. These are all the big names in mlm lit, behind them is some gay men, but honestly their stories aren't preferred, they're not the right “flavor” for the consumers usually, who are largely women. In general YA consumers and authors are women, but I wish that they… just wrote about women too. I think there is a certain… snowball effect to the overrepresentation of mlm representing the whole LGBT community that leads to fetishization, as well as misogyny playing a factor in: less women characters being written well to write fanfic on, when they are written well they're taken less seriously or the audience struggles to relate to them, they're less marketable then men.
Idk I never feel “seen” or “represented” by any of the books above, which don't address boyhood and manhood and queerness intersecting really, and AFTG doesn’t either. I relate to AFTG as a trauma victim who has experienced a lot of what many of the characters go through and have gone through in the EC as well as them just overall being very well written characters, but I don't relate to it as a mlm really. I've never seen like.. gay voice or being straight passing or femphobia or how boyhood can be affected from a young age by those around you sensing you're ‘other’ or if you didn't experience this you feel outside the mlm community. Let alone sub cultures like bear and leather and pup, at most you see the word “he's such a twink” in fandom which... i fr hate non mlm using that word because it's usually used to replace the f-slur essentially, used derogatorily or to call him “such a bottom” and stuff like that. It’s like a joke or an insult.
Long story short, idk mang this was a ramble and I think I'm coning down with something. I wanna see more queer women rep and women authors writing about being a queer woman too. I think it's a complex web of fetishization and a bit of forbidden love yaoi culture (or it used to be in the BOYXBOY days) as well as misogyny on an industry level, creator level, as well as reader/consumer and fandom level. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to explore other peoples stories and what we read has to be segregated, “only mlm are allowed to read and write mlm, only wlw are allowed to read and write wlw,” but I also think author’s intent and audience and background is telling, as well as overall statistics. Like about an hour ago I was looking for cookbooks in spanish or in english, and I was looking for some mexican food cook books, but I had to look for them using words in spanish because otherwise what came up was a bunch of “fiesta party, easy as uno dos tres authentic cooking!” and I was like… hm. Since I could tell they were marketing to anglos. (also the author’s last names were like michelle smith, james cooper, and this could be for a variety of reasons, but I trust Hispanic names more tbh and deadass would look at the authors pictures and if they had other books in Spanish or what their specialties were.)
anyways. not sure how to end this. uhm if anyone has any book recs (my to read list is like 500 books tho no joke) preferably not YA white mlm written by a white lady, hopefully queer women written by queer woman, LMK, I need more wlw and queer women stories on my list. I have a decent amount but always looking for more. I kinda wanna link my goodreads or my storygraph but I also don't want to get doxxed and it has my legal name on it so.
Also, I'm dyslexic and using spell check but if there's like some wild typos my b.
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Below I'm gonna vent so y'all can ignore that XD
I'm basically making this post as a timestamp/reminder for myself about Covid2020 and what I had to deal with during it (even though it's still a relentlessly ongoing problem, as of Jan2021, yikes)
Below is my personal experience in switching from working everyday as an essential retail worker to now a stay at home unemployed/leave of absense person. Don't feel bad about not reading it, it's long, boring, and I can't really expect anyone to actually be interested because the struggle is real and who wants to be reminded of the grim reality we can't currently escape? XD
[The Start:]
I was still working retail up until a few months ago because most people left. And being short staffed already before covid at my store, things became an even worse unmanageable nightmare because they started to work the remaining staff to death because no one really knew what to do which sucked and everyone was rightfully afraid of what was happening all around them, plus everyone internally was hoping that this would all blow over in a decent amount of time and we could all return to normal and never speak of it again. Considering Covid started around late January/early February in 2019 and today's date (for my future reference) is Jan 4th 2021, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it certainly has not blown over in a decent amount of time like originally hoped for. Oof.
I was a closer but because of covid my job turned into 'every position at the store and everything/anything that you can possibly get done'. All the stuff from morning team, mid shift, and nightshift rolled into one. Cashiering, phone calls, cleaning, ship from store, backroom, covering multiple breaks, and every department on hardlines salesfloor,
(I did everything except for guest services, food service, clothing, and hr)
you name it XD because most people abandoned ship and Yeeted (which I dont blame them for, t'was a big mood) our store did not hire replacements until literally a few months ago. After I left. Nice.
We were not getting paid any extra, having to stay late, running around with an unending unfinishable list, having to deal with rude customers and cranky bosses, full 8+hour shifts having to wear a mask (even in the break room, and sometimes missing breaks all together because of the large work load) Another problem, my job did not supply masks, proper cleaning supplies, gloves etc to us until an unacceptable amount of time had passed since the start of the virus. Now I didn't expect them to be stocked and fully prepared immediately, obviously.
It was also pretty frustrating getting reprimanded by customers when supplies were low everywhere and some things necessary for existing safely could not be bought anywhere due to high demand, which was only natural, but some people actually acted like it was our personal fault for the store for being sold out of things like hand sanitizer, masks, gloves, toilet paper, and even accused us for holding it in the back for ourselves (which wasnt the case, customers are top priority at our store so the workers usually got nothing to take home or buy, even if we had pulled it from the truck or stocked it ourselves.)
Aside from the excessive draining from normal retail where we already suffer from Karen's and the often unpleasant general public, the Rona made the daily grind even more intense, as if we already thought it couldn't get any worse.
Straying away from that for a second, personal lives were now also affected greatly. Added on top of this new fear/caution/lifestyle was not being able to see my fiance or his family for months because they are all at very high risk. (Unfortunately I am too, but I really needed the paycheck so I thought I had to keep working until the inevitable, which was not looked forward to, but as long as I was potentially exposed with my job we all had to be apart unless I decided to quit and risk not having enough money to pay my bills or survive.)
(Side note for context: My fiance and I have been very lucky enough to see eachother almost every day for 4 years. Surprisingly we have not gotten sick of eachother yet and kept up with that regularity. And though we are engaged, we dont live together, but we do only live 15 minutes away so we just drive over to eachother everyday. Anyway, point being that going months without seeing him at all killed me internally hardcore. This was before zoom was popular and we were not about to resort to Skype. His parents are older and closer to me than my own family and were not comfortable with any form of in-person visits so we usually just did phone calls.)
And eventually I gave up,
I made it halfway through this pandemic working everyday, not seeing the only people I considered family, and I couldn't do it anymore. It literally didn't feel human.
Not to mention this did not help whatsoever with my pre-existing problems, bad depression, anxiety, ptsd, Self h, etc... it was all just getting way too out of hand with more stress piling up daily and taking too big a toll on me to the point where I couldn't deal with my regular lifestyle anymore. I needed a break and a change to severely turn myself around.
So a few months ago I finally went on leave of absence and it was the hardest thing for me to do but honestly the best thing I did. Because everything was so uncertain and I worried about how helpful unemployment would be towards my bills, if I'd lose my job for being gone too long due to an open ended leave of absense for the sake of my health/safety, and honestly I loved my job and my coworkers, but many of them had already left so at that point it became easier for me to leave.
I'm currently making more on unemployment than my job was paying my bi-weekly and doing leagues better mentally, emotionally, and physically, than before when I thought I could last the whole time working through covid hoping I wouldn't catch it and probably die because my health is not 100% gucci in the first place. I was too stubborn to quit until I got to a breaking point and then realised that putting my health/life on the line when I'm at risk during a pandemic for literally no reason other than feeling bad for my one really kind boss (who ended up leaving for a better job anyway right after I left)
in my brain the whole time I figured "eh if I die then I die" but there was a major upside to saying "you know what, fuck this" and leaving.
I've gotten to take up hobbies and do things that I've wanted to do for like 10 years, I improved my financial situation, bought my dream car(A 2004Crossfire), got engaged to the love of my life, had more time to read, write, learn, create, help my fiance record his first official music video, support smaller businesses, get back in better physical health, regain stability, and a new respect for life, health, friends, family, acts of kindness, and how easy things used to be before covid and how it was unintentionally taken for granted.
Not gonna lie, at first I was pretty mad that people on unemployment made more than essential workers, but I also knew that it wasn't their fault for their personal situations or reasonings for needing it. The problem was mainly that many Companies/jobs could have done more, treated essential workers better, given more help, compensated financially, offered forms of protectionagaint the virus, or done literally anything extra at all to help employees who were struggling or who stay to continue working there during a terrible pandemic, and some companies/jobs have done good things for their workers in response of the outbreak which is awesome.
Workers should absolutely be compensated for their extra efforts, time, and pleasant attitude in this difficult time, and treated better than they are. Some things should 1000% be different but some things in this world are still a work in progress.
And also, for people with health issues that are at risk but working anyway for whatever reason, there shouldn't be any shame felt for taking care of yourself or by the people who have to go on unemployment, those who can't work, lost their jobs, need help or a break, or just can't do it anymore, because it hits hard when you realise that even though your effort is important and you're doing your best, playing an important role in society, you could also be risking your health/life or even possibly someone you live withs, for a company that will replace you pretty easily if you're suddenly gone.
I worked at my store for 4 years, was extremely hard working and did everything and anything I could to stay as long as I could during this, but I realised that I'd rather not risk myself and be treated how I was.
Ultimately, the sad reality is that covid has some people forgetting that humans (whether working or not) are humans too that can die or fail at any time given the current circumstances. Some situations are unavoidable like a pandemic, but we can do our best with whatever reality we meet, whether it's being essential the whole way through like some are able, and knowing your health well enough to be able to judge what's best for you individually for now.
but regardless making sure you're not taking yourself for granted in the process.
I'm lucky enough to not have gotten covid yet, and I hope it stays that way.
If your job isnt doing what it can for you in this time, dont be too stubborn about staying
Its not worth risking yourself for your job honestly, and I really hope peoples jobs do as much as they can for those they employ.
If you aren't working, do something with your time that you'll remember (safe things obviously) and if you are still working keep up the awesome progress, stay safe, and be blessed. ❤
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For the ask meme? All of them.
jay,,,
give me a sec to edit this post ok
1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?
wine glasses are like reading glasses except you wear them while drinking wine
i’d say water bottles but only the ones that can handle heat and stuff and not poison your drink with plastic or whatever
2. chocolate bars or lollipops?
i havent had a lollipop in a good while so thats my choice
3. bubblegum or cotton candy?
havent tried either but boy i’d love to try just a little bit of cotton candy at leastonce
4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?
bro,,,,,, that was like 10 years ago, how am i supposed to remember that,,,,,,,
5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?
i usually drink soda from plastic cups but honestly? nothing beats the experience of sipping that sweet sweet ambrosia from the bottle,,, but also i’d love to try soda in a can some day!
6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?
idk what half of these would look like but sportswear always wins in my book
7. earbuds or headphones?
ok i actually googled whats the difference and im more of an earbuds person! theyrejust safer i think and it makes me kinda anxious when im home listening tomusic and cant hear anything going on around me
8. movies or tv shows?
tv shows! well, unless the episodes are like 40 minutes or a full hour because its hard to focus for that long kfjsndkfs
9. favorite smell in the summer?
pavement after rain and also. grass.
10. game you were best at in p.e.?
haha thats a funny joke you made there *starts crying*
11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?
just a couple of meat+cheese+mayo sandwiches! if its summer mom cuts tomatoes or cucumbers for us and as they start getting more and more expensive we replace them with pickles!
12. name of your favorite playlist?
sorry i couldnt choose!
13. lanyard or key ring?
key ring!
14. favorite non-chocolate candy?
aaaa i love fruit flavored ones!
15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?
aaaaaaaa i dont remember if it was elementary or middle school but we were assigned this really cool ukrainian book that ive actually read before they assigned it. well, nobody here will recognize it but it was Тореадори з Васюківки by Всеволод Нестайко and it was about 2 boys who were best friends growing up in the countryside and they went on adventures and had fun and their friendship made me so happy,,, i guess i was all for cool friendship portrayal even back then! it was mostly laughs and jokes but some moments were actually serious and hit me really hard and i remember them to this day actually
16. most comfortable position to sit in?
its a myth, sitting was created as a personal attack on me
17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?
my trusty old sneakers!! theyre all black and the sole is very soft and nice
18. ideal weather?
when the sun is out and its just warm enough to show off your new graphic tee and also very soft and nice
19. sleeping position?
i just lie on my left side like a fool
20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?
notebook!
21. obsession from childhood?
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!! AND DANNY PHANTOM!!!! i even made a ghost fighting costume once,,,, tho it wasnt much of a costume, it was just fingerless gloves i cut out of paper. they were extremely uncomfortable. but very effective in fighting ghosts!
22. role model?
kfjsdnfk i have a bunch! might sound weird but one of them is bdg i think??? and the other 2 are some online acquaintances whom im too afraid to interact with more often than i do
23. strange habits?
repeating silly lines i hear on tv / in anime/cartoons? and also i never touch food with my right hand unless its plums?? and there are more but. you know. bad memory.
24. favorite crystal?
all of them!!!!!
25. first song you remember hearing?
my grandma used to sing this to me over the phone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUPnqqPXQsw
26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?
go for a walk!
27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?
slep
28. five songs to describe you?
we are the people by empire of the sun
home by cavetown
strawberry blonde by mitski
smile like you mean it by the killers
afterlife by arcade fire
29. best way to bond with you?
wash your hands very thoroughly and make jokes
30. places that you find sacred?
i see nature i go crazy from how much respect i have for it
31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass andtake names?
*wearing hinata cosplay* im here to play volleyball and kick your ass and as you can see ive already played today’s match
32. top five favorite vines?
road work ahead
a avocado!! thanks!!!!!
REBECCA THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
i fell can you help me :(
that vine where ukulele sounds like human voices and people sounds like ukuleles
33. most used phrase in your phone?
idk how to check that??? sowwy
34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?
the stomach meds ad they keep showing on tv
35. average time you fall asleep?
3am? 4am? idk for sure
36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?
t-trollface…
37. suitcase or duffel bag?
havent used either (cause ive never traveled anywhere too far away) but the latter looks pretty and i feel like it would fit more stuff
38. lemonade or tea?
depends on my mood!
39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?
dont kick me but im not sure if ive ever tried either ;w;
40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?
the school’s cat who hates most people actually kinda warmed up to me even tho im terrible with animals
41. last person you texted?
jay uwu
42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?
afabs cant have both huh
but i want both. please give me both.
43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?
all of these sound nice but my lazy ass will always go for hoodies
44. favorite scent for soap?
aaaaaaaa im allergic to a lot of soaps but i like flower scented ones
45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?
i love all of them dearly but lately ive been more into superheroes i think. im not sure really sure what exactly i feel
46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?
something really really long
47. favorite type of cheese?
there are different types????
48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?
i hope im a pear
49. what saying or quote do you live by?
become a good person. thats all.
50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?
i dont remember what it was but i remember i was with my friends and we couldnt stop laughing for several minutes and ive never felt happier
51. current stresses?
UNIVERSITY FUCK OFF!!!
52. favorite font?
i like comic sans
53. what is the current state of your hands?
they arent doing so hot tbh, my dermatitis is back again
54. what did you learn from your first job?
i dont have one!
55. favorite fairy tale?
gonna be honest chief, i dont remember too many of them ;w;
56. favorite tradition?
on new year’s we turn the lights off, light up a candle in the kitchen, laugh at president’s speech and only then starts eating
57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?
getting over a lost friendship, passing high school finals and uni entrance exams and coming out to my best friend
58. four talents you’re proud of having?
singing!! being able to learn how to do most things pretty quickly!!! and i cant think of anything else but honestly these two are quite enough for me
59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?
uh oh! guess what! i dont have a catchphrase and im very self-conscious about it!
60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?
im torn between sports anime and slice of life
61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?
because humans dont have wings we look for other ways to fly
from haikyuu
obviously
62. seven characters you relate to?
tsukishima kei from haikyuu
mae borowski from nitw
apollo justice from ace attorney
flame princess from adventure time
donatello from tmnt
sokka from atla
kageyama shigeo from mob psycho 100
63. five songs that would play in your club?
mr brightside, bohemian rhapsody, smile like you mean it by the killers and allof haikyuu ops and eds
64. favorite website from your childhood?
if social media counts, vkontakte i guess?? i didnt really go anywhere else and it still exists and i thriving so im not sure if it should count fkjsndkjf
65. any permanent scars?
yeah, the one from my very first vaccination from when i was a few months old i think and also some traces of when i had chickenpox
66. favorite flower(s)?
idk a lot of flower names but i really like tulips
67. good luck charms?
dont have any at the moment but i’d love to get one!
68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?
whatever fish mom used to buy when we were kids >:(
69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?
bro my memory isnt good enough to remember those,,
70. left or right handed?
im a righty but i had to become a lefty for like a month when i broke my pinkie
71. least favorite pattern?
i like traditional ukrainian ornaments
72. worst subject?
history :P
73. favorite weird flavor combo?
ice cream + fries
74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?
idk how pain levels work but i try not to take meds unless the pain is interfering with studying
75. when did you lose your first tooth?
idk but i had a box full of my teeth for so long they turned to dust and i had to throw it away
76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?
RHNGRHGNRHGRNH EVERYTHING except for freshly made mashed potatoes
77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?
if its green it can stay
78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?
have never had either of those and i hope i never will cause they sound gross!
79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?
i dont have a license, so.
80. earth tones or jewel tones?
kfjsndfks depends on the mood tbh!
81. fireflies or lightning bugs?
fireflies!
82. pc or console?
i WISH i had a console but this is too broke for that,, i played a couple of times tho and it feels more fun than pc!
83. writing or drawing?
please dont make me choose, ive abandoned both and its making me feel bad
84. podcasts or talk radio?
podcasts :O
84. barbie or polly pocket?
idk what polly pocket is but barbie rules!!!
85. fairy tales or mythology?
i feel like sometimes fairy tales are kinda like watered down myths so i have a right to say i like both
86. cookies or cupcakes?
my heart goes to cookies
87. your greatest fear?
finding out im faking any part of my identity
88. your greatest wish?
get through whatever’s going on right now
89. who would you put before everyone else?
mom
90. luckiest mistake?
when i recorded an undertale medley and got a few notes wrong but it actually ended up sounding better than originally
91. boxes or bags?
boxes!
92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?
fairy lights……
93. nicknames?
never really had many? my bff calls me mr smith sometimes but thats all i can think of fkjsdnfs but also! steve used to be my nickname before i decided my life my own and i get to choose my name
94. favorite season?
spring ;w;
95. favorite app on your phone?
sudoku
96. desktop background?
97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?
my own and my mom’s
98. favorite historical era?
eh im not very fond of the past because not every time period had soap
#wl26#wl26 answers#flamingerrs#jay just so you know i love you a whole lot#i really did that huh#long post
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Some Study Lifestyle Tips
because I can, because WACE is coming and the Americans are starting a new school year at some point probably?? and because it’s always important to look after yourself while studying
I’m not going to claim that all of these will work for everybody or that everyone will be able to do all of them etc etc but I’ve struggled with burnout and sustained anxiety due in part to medical reasons but in part to unhealthy study-based lifestyle and this is some of what I’ve learnt so:
Don’t work where you sleep - As well as promoting bad posture (and getting study snack crumbs all over your bed) this stops your mind and body from separating “work” and “rest”. I know it’s tempting!! and tbh I still do it sometimes. But when your mind and body can’t differentiate, those half-asleep panic thoughts about what you have to do the next day etc etc get worse. Your body rests when it should be alert and tries to stay alert when it should be resting in case you ask it to do something. It’s exhausting! Please don’t do it. You can still use your bed for fun (eg. TV, blogging, reading - I love me a nest don’t get me wrong) but when you actually have to knuckle down, go somewhere else. Preferably a desk, but even the floor, dining table or couch! Also, having a shower or getting dressed (or even just washing your face or putting back your hair) before you start work is a great way to force yourself into “productive mode” especially if you’re feeling lethargic.
Ritual is more important than time table - All through high school we got told, make timetables, make timetables. I could NEVER stick to them. My focus just doesn’t work like that and neither does my workload. However, what I have found helpful is establishing ritual. eg. do I get coffee when I start work or when I start break? Related to the above, this helps get me into “work” mode or “rest” mode. Also, don’t be afraid to reward yourself but be disciplined with your rewards. Can you have one lolly for every 10 minutes work? 10 lollies an hour? A handful after you’ve done this section? STICK TO IT. Rewards only work if you do.
Time tables don’t have to be regular - Again, the usual deal with timetabling is that you spend say, half an hour per day per class studying. First of all, how many hours a day do they think we have, damn? But second of all, that’s a USELESS GENERIC FRAMEWORK. Are you good at the subject? Does it have a really high workload? Is it your major? Then GIVE IT MORE OR LESS TIME. Also, work out when you are most productive during the day and demand more of yourself at that time. eg for me I am quite productive in the morning, so if I have a blocked out “study day” I’ll start with 1-1.5 hour sessions with 15-30 min breaks and gradually slack off until I’m doing more break than study but it’s okay bc I did most of my work in the morning. The point of timetabling is to make sure you actually get the work done: therefore, you need to do it in a way that will allow you to actually get the work done
Diet & Reward Choice is important - Rewards are great, but caffeine and sugar are bad for you and they are bad for your sleep and concentration, which you need to study with!! If you’re eating a lot of sugary snacks, make sure you drink water and have healthy meals. If you’re drinking too much coffee OWN UP TO IT. I was having anxiety problems so I restricted myself to 2 coffees a day, and not after 6pm, and even though I didn’t drink a lot and I don’t feel the “buzz” coffee gives some people, it has helped me (and also reduced some gut problems I was giving myself). Also ofc try to replace lollies with fruit or food with non-food based rewards (eg a trip to the movies when this essay’s done) but it depends what’s going to motivate you and how much motivation you need. I tend to get into the lollies when it’s been assignments uphill through the snow both ways and I’m losing my will to live but I watch sitcoms every break all the time often. What works for you?
Let some things slip - Yes it’s true that poor hygiene and mess can be harmful to your mental health but figure out what you can ignore and how long for because most things can be fixed after you hand that report in. Will your head explode if your room is messy? Then clean it, but if you can live with it, let it slide for a bit. Is a shower an important part of your daily ritual? Then do it, but if you’re cool with waiting until you can feel the grease on your face sometimes that’s the way it’s gonna be. It’s not like you’re meeting people anyway. And your fellow students PROBABLY don’t give a shit as long as it’s not a presentation and you don’t have killer B.O. Your accomodation can’t just slide into the shit eternally, especially if you live with roommates or family, but go easy on yourself is what I’m saying, and prioritise yourself & your food & your rest & your work (*which contributes greatly to your health) above nicities you don’t need. Feed your pets though. That’s important.
Act, Belong, Commit - This is an Australian mental health campaign that really sums up a lot of the best things you can do. Of course we can’t always have that perfect work-life balance, especially trying to pay rent or have a family or during exam time etc etc etc but remember, health including mental health is not an “all or nothing” thing. Every little bit helps! You’ll be surprised (I know I was). Your “C” that’s probably your work/study if you’re reading this! But “Belong” that can be stuff like choir, sports clubs, church, volunteering, or really anything that you’re passionate about including informal communities - for me it’s mostly Amnesty International, activism, & fandom. And then “Act” well that took me ages bc exercise is the bane of my existence but if dancing around in your underwear is what it takes DO THAT. In fact now, I’ve joined a proper dance class! There will be some kind of physical activity that you can tolerate, even if it’s like, a few laps in the pool or walking the dog or even just walking to the store. I look for opportunities to do exercise with a purpose (eg on my way to buy something) bc for its own sake?? No way. You don’t even have to do it enough to get sweaty, lose weight or build muscle (although that’s great). Just a little bit is better than none,
This is getting long so I’m going to stop but feel free to ask me questions and I wish you good luck & good grades!!
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And finally...replies. :)
Sorry if this gets incoherent. :) We went on a hiking day-trip with a group of friends today, and I’m pretty wiped out. Just wanted to get Tumblr communication done before I totally crash because otherwise, I get way behind and never get out of the hole. :)
First of all, I’m very happy that people liked the skies I shared! I did work hard on some of them, and I’m so happy to see them in people’s games. Thank you all for all the “thank yous.” ;) And I look forward to making more, too. I think the rotating ones are going to come out well. :)
And now for more specific replies for @nerianasims, @quill-of-thoth, @kyosmash, @strangetomato, @elfpuddle, @eulaliasims, @lilsisterg, @holleyberry, @littleblondesim, and @penig...
nerianasims replied to your post “kyosmash replied to your post : You can always use the fitness4all mod...”
I 100% get what you're saying, but I feel like the game itself is largely at fault in this one case. It's a mess when it comes to weight. To deal, I look at the "lazy/active" node as "slow/fast metabolism." Unfortunately, the way the game is programmed, the only way to have chubby Sims organically is to have them eat "too much" (which ugh, I gain fat when I don't eat enough.) So I have noeatcrap for that. And because seeing Sims eat spoiled food makes me feel sick.
Yes, it’s true that game mechanics are partly to blame. And really, the “eat too much, get fat” thing IS a reflection of real life. That is actually how it is. Generally, if you eat too many calories for your metabolic and activity level -- barring various medical issues, etc. -- you’ll gain weight. Thing is, that’s true for everyone. Not just for lazy people. True, less active people require fewer calories so if they aren’t careful they are more likely to gain weight than more active people, but if a lazy person is careful and doesn’t eat too much for their lower activity level, they are no more likely to get fat than a marathon runner. (Barring, as I said, various medical conditions like thyroid issues and whatnot.)
The issue, in my mind, with the mod is that it “targets” only one group of Sims for fatness, to the exclusion of everyone else. And it happens to be a group that, in real life, is stereotypically fat. The vanilla game does not do that. Like I said, I’m probably over-sensitive on the issue because of my own struggles (even though my own struggle is to put and keep weight on, not to lose it), but many people are overly sensitive about something in the game. It’s probably inevitable, since it’s meant to reflect real life. True, it’s “supposed” to be a cartoonish kind of life, but a lot of people don’t play it that way, so...Yeah, people will get bugs up their butts about different things. This is my very own pet butt-bug. ;)
quill-of-thoth replied to your post “kyosmash replied to your post : You can always use the fitness4all mod...”
What I always wish with the pescado mods is that he ever took the time to LIST all of the things that he did in them in his initial release, because we need that info to prevent conflicts... even with other MATY mods. I also wish I could mess with BHAVS, I've been meaning to find something to vastly reduce rolling wants to be cured of supernaturalism / unlink it from aspiration forever...
Yes, I have the same wish. :\ But as I said elsewhere, not documenting is part of his shtick. So, that leaves it up to users who care about what they put in their game to do the documenting. That’s wrong, IMO, but what can you do? *shrug*
Anyway, I could very well be wrong but as I understand it, rolled wants aren’t related to BHAVs and are just governed by “want trees” that link certain wants to certain aspirations and things like that. There are mods out there that alter those trees, but they are sort of like default replacements in that you can only have one replacement file at a time. Perhaps it would be instructive to look at one of those? It usually isn’t for me because I often have not a clue as to what I’m looking at, but maybe you’ll have a better understanding than I would. :) Me, I’d just like to nuke curing wants altogether. In my game, the various “supernaturals” are just genetic conditions and can’t be cured except by aliens, who have superior knowledge of genetic engineering. So, those wants are completely worthless to me and are never fulfilled unless the aliens happen to cure someone when they or a relative has a cure want for them.
kyosmash replied to your post “kyosmash replied to your post : You can always use the fitness4all mod...”
Thank you for the info! I've actually been getting into BHAVs myself so if I get a chance I might be able to take a look, maybe there's just one or two things to get pulled out of there. I wasn't aware of this because I've had it in my game for so long I didn't think about it. Have to agree that Pes' descriptions are a little lackluster sometimes.
Hey, if you come up with anything, I’ll be happy to have it! :) And you’re welcome for the info. IMO, when it comes to Pescado’s mods, the more info that’s shared about what they do and don’t do, the better. :)
strangetomato replied to your post “kyosmash replied to your post : You can always use the fitness4all mod...”
Yeah, I understand they were his personal mods, @lilsisterg. I'm just saying that for my game, those features make the mod unusable. And the more disparate features included in a single mod increases the sense of "his way or the highway". And I will gladly take the highway if some of those features put me off.
That stuff I bolded and italicized up there? That. Totally that. With Pes’s mods, I stay very close to the on-ramp to the highway until I’ve thoroughly tested. :)
And on a totally unrelated note: I am so happy to see JRO on my dash lately! I’m not gonna be able to catch up and comment tonight before I crash, but I just wanted to say that I’ve been thrilled to see you posting. :)
elfpuddle replied to your post “You can always use the fitness4all mod from MATY so your already...”
What food mods do you use instead (if any)?
Very few. Off the top of my head, I think the only food-related thing I have is Mog’s “Simply Leftovers,” so that leftovers can be stored as individual plates rather than as group meals that have to be re-served. Oh wait! I also have one that makes the meals have 8 servings rather than 6. I think that’s all I have that’s food-related...
eulaliasims replied to your post “The bad thing about @nyshabrokeit‘s new townie body diversity mod? Is...”
I kind of want to, too, and I *make* all my townies. Such a cool mod!
I will never, ever, have the patience or desire to make all my own townies because Sim-making is definitely not something I enjoy doing. Plus, I kinda like seeing (and sometimes pointing and laughing at) what the game comes up with. It’s why I townify everything. So, the mod is just what I wanted. :)
lilsisterg replied to your post “You can always use the fitness4all mod from MATY so your already...”
I make all of my townies and I have this mod installed ... Some of the townies are fit and some have gotten fat over time. I believe it works according to their lazy/active personalities. I'm not really sure, but I also have a mod that prevents Sims with high active points from over eating which helps keep them fit. This adds balance because I suspect without it all of my townies would be fat by now.
This one, I’m going to try out, see what happens. I suspect that I will end up with too many fat townies because I enjoy sending Sims out to eat and I currently have a couple player-owned restaurants that get run five days a week when I’m playing the owning household. Non-playable Sims at restaurants get a push to eat whether or not they are hungry and regardless of their personality, and that will contribute to them getting fat with such a mod in place. Whereas I believe (although I could be wrong) that at a community-lot gym, the visiting Sims are still governed by the lazy/active aspect of their personalities as to whether or not they’ll work out.
In any case, I appreciate that Nysha’s new body diversity mod creates “extreme” townies, in that those who are generated as fit or fat are at the extreme point values for those states, so they will not be too easily altered by what they do (or are forced to do) on community lots.
holleyberry replied to your post “The bad thing about @nyshabrokeit‘s new townie body diversity mod? Is...”
I was thinking the same thing. I have a "Just for Fun" hood I'm thinking of starting over now too.
I actually AM going to restart my religious isolationist ‘hood, now that I’ve ironed the bugs out of its ruleset, and I got kind of excited about being able to use the mod in a non-testing environment...and then I remembered that that neighborhood will have no townies at all. FOILED! :)
littleblondesim replied to your photo “Since Sharon and Nathen want a large family (She wants four kids, he...”
Is their ideal family sized based on that one algorithm you shared that one time? Vague question is vague. :P
Yeah, it is. Basically, I arbitrarily assigned a range of values for each aspiration that I think made a sort of sense. For instance, the max number of kids for Romance is 2, while the minimum number for a Family Sim is 4. When I need to assign an ideal family size -- which is most often when a born-in-game turns teen, but also for married-ins and for CAS Sims -- I do two random number generations, one for each of their aspirations, and then take the average of the two results as their ideal family size. This way, a Family Sim with a Romance secondary (or vice versa) would have the possible extreme results for each of their aspirations mitigated a bit.
Nathen is actually Knowledge/Pleasure, but he managed to roll the high extreme (which is 8) for both of his aspirations and so ended up with an IFS of 8, which is usually more like a number a Family Sim would have. :) So, that was interesting. :)
penig replied to your post “After all that hard work at Uni and graduating magna cum laude in a...”
It beats Test Subject, and she'll rise like a rocket.
True. But it’s just disappointing that there is very little career reward for all her hard work. :) The limiting factor was one of the necessary skills for the career; the biology major just didn’t require her to get that many points in that category. (I don’t remember which skill it was off the top of my head. Maybe Logic.)
#nerianasims#quill-of-thoth#kyosmash#strangetomato#elfpuddle#eulaliasims#lilsisterg#holleyberry#littleblondesim#penig#replies
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for the weird ask thingy how about 1-98? so yes all of them please!
I’m gonna put this under a read more so that it’s not insanely long but thank you for allowing me to overshare because that’s literally all i want in life
1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?
coffee mugs, if i see one that i like, i usually buy it or think about it for a really long time.
2. chocolate bars or lollipops?
lollipops
3. bubblegum or cotton candy?
cotton candy, i can’t stand the smell or taste of bubblegum
4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?
on most of my report cards i was a pleasure to have in class but has trouble actually turning in homework
5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?
either soda bottles or glass cups
6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?
i love the aesthetic of formal but i prefer boho/preppy
7. earbuds or headphones?
earbuds, headphones squish my head
8. movies or tv shows?
movies
9. favorite smell in the summer?
honeysuckle
10. game you were best at in p.e.?
being goalie for handball
11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?
peanut butter crunch clif bar
12. name of your favorite playlist?
summertime
13. lanyard or key ring?
keyring
14. favorite non-chocolate candy?
watermelon jolly ranchers
15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?
fahrenheit 451
16. most comfortable position to sit in?
cross legged or leaning to the side with both feet tucked up next to me (only in a chair/on the couch though)
17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?
either birkenstocks or my bean boots
18. ideal weather?
slightly cloudy, breezy, and between 60 and 75 with a dew point under 55
19. sleeping position?
any position but on my back
20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?
i like a notebook, my fingers try to type too fast for my brain so i make a lot of mistakes and i need lines otherwise it slants all over the page
21. obsession from childhood?
i used to collect guitar picks. i have too many
22. role model?
my friend kelsey. she never let anyone’s opinions of her shape who she was. she did what she wanted and was such a free spirit.
23. strange habits?
left goes first. if it’s makeup, my left eyebrow, lashes, contour, blush, anything goes first. left shoe goes on first, left pant leg, left shirt/jacket sleeve. left first or it feels wrong.
24. favorite crystal?
i love amethyst because it’s purple.
25. first song you remember hearing?
probably american pie by don mclean.
26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?
swimming
27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?
honestly stargazing. getting all bundled up and lying in a bunch of blankets is great. there no humidity to make the stars hazy and on a really clear night it’s beautiful.
28. five songs to describe you?
perfect - anne marie, devil’s in the canyon - the strike, orpheus - sara bareilles, rainbow - kacey musgraves, vienna - billy joel
29. best way to bond with you?
talk to me about music, animals, what you find beautiful or peaceful.
30. places that you find sacred?
any mountain top, the chapel in the pines at camp, fields of wildflowers, any waterfall.
31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?
my black dress with big red roses and my black and white stripe heels with roses.
32. top five favorite vines?
oh shit the tampons one, the no yelling sock, the souls of the innocent, bagel boys, that was majestic
33. most used phrase in your phone?
i have wtf set to automatically replace with what the fuck and i probably use that daily
34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?
i always have the cropp metcalfe jingle stuck in my head
35. average time you fall asleep?
on a work night usually between 10:30 and 11:30 but weekends its closer to midnight
36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?
probably those creepy u mad? and sad face drawings.
37. suitcase or duffel bag?
i prefer a suitcase but not a huge one
38. lemonade or tea?
it has to be sweet tea if it’s iced
39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?
lemon cake. lemon meringue pie is never the right sweet/tart ratio
40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?
my senior yaer they locked the boys and girls bathrooms in the science wing because the boys were setting off axe bombs and the girls were smoking cigarettes
41. last person you texted?
my friend corinne
42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?
yes
43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?
yes
44. favorite scent for soap?
citrus. it just smells cleaner
45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?
i’m a sucker for fantasy
46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?
i have a couple of dresses that are stretchy but too short to be acceptable (imo) for public wear
47. favorite type of cheese?
i love mozarella
48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?
i’d be a peach
49. what saying or quote do you live by?
it’s chaos, be kind
50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?
probably just weird shit from camp
51. current stresses?
mmmmmm job hunting, packing for camp, cleaning
52. favorite font?
i can’t remember the font name but it’s like old typewriter letters
53. what is the current state of your hands?
i need to paint my nails and cut them
54. what did you learn from your first job?
that people are really fucking dumb and don’t read the fine print on their coupons
55. favorite fairy tale?
the princess and the pea
56. favorite tradition?
we always do a big pancake dinner on mardi gras
57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?
dealing with my hair’s natural curl pattern, and i’m gonna have to get back to you on the other two
58. four talents you’re proud of having?
i can braid hair really well, i can cook without a recipe, i made the highest swim level as a camper in 6 weeks my last year as a camper, i’m really good at cat’s cradle
59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?
“absolutely not”
60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?
i don’t watch anime so i have no idea
61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?
“war is war and hell is hell. and of the two, war is a lot worse”
62. seven characters you relate to?
radar o’reilly, arya stark, dumplin’, carol danvers, eleanor shellstrop, wayne and daryl from letterkenny.
63. five songs that would play in your club?
gas pedal - sage the gemini, gasolina - daddy yankee, despacito - luis fonsi, bitch better have my money - rihanna, and only nicki minaj’s verse from monster
64. favorite website from your childhood?
neopets or i think it was whitesheepblacksheep but there was a site that had a maze game that was set to the music Orpheus in the Underworld
65. any permanent scars?
my right foot from being born c-section, right shin from a staph infection, left wrist and left foot from ganglion cysts, and my chin from a golf club
66. favorite flower(s)?
all of them EXCEPT for the flowers from bradford pear trees. fuck those.
67. good luck charms?
not really
68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?
oh god there was a grape juice my friend brenda had me try and it was just so tart it tasted like it had gone past expiration.
69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?
i can tie and untie a hair tie with my fingers
70. left or right handed?
right handed
71. least favorite pattern?
i hate herringbone and houndstooth
72. worst subject?
the only math i breezed through was geometry
73. favorite weird flavor combo?
i really like potato chips and grape jelly
74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?
like a 6 or 7. unless it’s mouth pain then like a 3 at most.
75. when did you lose your first tooth?
probably 7 or 8? i can’t remember but i DO know that my mother kept all of mine and my siblings baby teeth
76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?
potato gratin is amazing
77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?
succulents
78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?
coffee from a gas station specifically sheetz
79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?
oh god my school photo. my license photo i look like i WILL kill the photographer
80. earth tones or jewel tones?
jewel tones
81. fireflies or lightning bugs?
i use both interchangeably
82. pc or console?
i play internet games which is as far as i got with gaming. although i do really want a game cube so i can play monkeyball
83. writing or drawing?
writing
84. podcasts or talk radio?
podcasts
84. barbie or polly pocket?
i have 2 pollypockets still and i refuse to give them up
85. fairy tales or mythology?
mythology
86. cookies or cupcakes?
cookies
87. your greatest fear?
i really don’t like the dark lmao
88. your greatest wish?
mmmm i’m honestly not sure
89. who would you put before everyone else?
barack obama
90. luckiest mistake?
not checking the weekend of my brother getting married and lucking out that i bought concert tickets for the weekend before
91. boxes or bags?
bags
92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?
fairy lights
93. nicknames?
libby, libs, libster, “ms. teaguerson” is one i’ve gotten from a couple of kids i’ve subbed for, any version of elizabeth at this point.
94. favorite season?
fall
95. favorite app on your phone?
i just downloaded a crosswords app and it’s fantastic
96. desktop background?
the sky being absolutely BLACK during an afternoon storm right before a big event at camp
97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?
i think 8
98. favorite historical era?
i really love the clothes of the 40′s
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I had some sudden more ideas for npcs in the monster petshop game, and a bit of worldbuilding and stuff!
I was just consideringwhether maybe this should be a fantasy setting with different non-human races, or one that’s just all humans. I dunno, games with catchable monsters seem to ALWAYS be just humans, that’s weird now I think about it! I guess its so the line between sentient magical beings and the pet ones isn’t blurred, but in my petshop idea the monster pets can all talk anyway so that’s not an issue.
Tho I dunno if it’ll be to the same degree as in the Monster Rancher anime where monsters are all so similar to humans that they can live their own entirely separate lives without a human partner, and like.. start shops and hold property and stuff. Seriously that worldbuilding is so surreal and cool, you get to see stuff like a giant golem running a little metalwork jewelry store in the background of a crowd scene. I wanna see the story of that guy! Tho it gets a bit confusing cos some monsters can’t talk, and some monsters seem to have more petlike intelligence, and those two things don’t often coincide. I still cry forever about that episode with the guy who abused his giant worm monster, and how with its design and how it doesnt talk you’d probably assume its a mindless evil monster but its actually just a quiet sad good guy and like.. how its full sentience level is revealed by it choosing to refuse an offer from the bad guys to join them, and dying trying to save the life of its abusive trainer. And how it actually does succeed in making him realise how wrong he was to treat it like an animal, and to treat animals like mindless toys! And how he breaks down crying and then how he cradles the lil baby worm and promises to do better this time, and then how his original worm comes back to life way WAY at the end of the series and I CRY FOREVERRRR
...
Anyway, sorry, where was I before I got distracted?
OH YEAH! Fantasy races! Which really should be called species, but I guess it stuck cos they’re often used as metaphors/replacements for actual racial diversity, especially in traditional fantasy.
IM GETTING DISTRACTED AGAIN!!!
So yeah that thought led me to an idea for a particular fantasy “race” I could add. But then it somehow developed into... I dislike designing overly humanlike fantasy races, like seriously what is the point of even bothering if they look identical to humans except short or with weird ears? So I thought.. what if this “race” is actually a disease instead?
MORE LONG THOUGHTS BELOW THE CUT!
So, I was thinking they could look like just normal humans but with a greyish skin colour, odd coloured eyes, and some sort of flower growing on their head. They’d be like ‘flower spirits’ but in kind of a negative way?
They look like humans because this is a sort of magical genetic condition that turns humans into this.
Though they still get predjudice because people are afraid of ‘catching’ a disease that isn’t actually contagious through touch or anything, but people are happy being ignorant fucks and excluding them from society ‘just in case’ their paranoia comes true.
But anyway! The details!
At any moment an inherited carrier could manifest symptoms, and rather literally manifest a glowing flower from their forehead. It grants you enhanced magical powers, but at the cost of your life being tied to that magic. The flower is like if your soul has been forcibly pulled outside your body in a very fragile form! You have to tend to it like a normal flower, and you also have to sorta feed it by doing enough magic or absorbing the energy from magical objects. (So these guys’s magical power is to negate other magics.) If left untreated it will eventually be fatal, and if the flower wilts it’ll also kill you even faster. If you fail to take care of it, it drains energy from your soul instead, which leads to the grey skintone and general weak health. But even if you keep the flower alive it’ll eventually grow too big and you’ll be unable to drain enough magic to keep up with its energy consumption.
By the time the story begins, medical technology has actually advanced enough to find life extending treatments for this, even if we don’t have a complete cure. You can’t get rid of the flower but you can take medicines to slow it’s growth. I mean, really the problem is just that this thing outpaces its host, its a really impractical parasite! It ends up killing itself by getting too greedy! (Which makes me think probably the predjudiced slurs around these people would be like... ‘you got that disease cos of your greed/sin/etc’. Even though its just genetic.) And then I think the final breakthrough to save people from this disease wouldnt really be a perfect cure, just to regress it to a budlike inactive state. You’ll always be physically marked as a victim of this disease, and you’ll always have the ‘demonic’ magic-draining powers. And it’ll probably be a long time before people stop treating the sufferers like shit, even after this...
So umm.. yeah. Its kinda gonna be like an analogy for the horrible HORRIBLE way the AIDS outbreak was handled by the government, and how it happened because the victims were ‘undesireables’. And how in this post-outbreak world the whole thing’s practically been covered up, lessened, forgotten. And people still deny it, and still treat gay people like shit, and its taken so damn long to make all this progress and just... gahhhh...
How pretty much every LGBTQ person who’s that old lost a dozen friends, how people got so desperate they used to hold ‘die-ins’- protesting by literally saying ‘leave me here on the doorstep’ when they were about to die. Make the politicians see exactly what they’ve done! And similarly the massive MASSIVE quilt full of patches commemorating everyone who died. God...
And seriously just HOW LITTLE EDUCATION there is on this subject! Even amoungst modern LGBTQ communities! How eager we are to sweep things under the rug, even if its LITERALLY a rug made of dead queer folk!
*sigh*
umm.. sorry for the heavy subject matter there.
So yeah, this would be a ‘race’ in this setting, or rather a minority group, but in fantasy terms its a ‘race’ but.. whatever. Dumb language rules!
Very small community of flower disease folks, treated like demi-humans.
And this leads to a bunch of new ideas for npcs that could deliver this plotline!
Of course, the main one would be an actual member of the flower disease folks.
I’m imagining her as just an absolute sweetheart shy gentle giant sort of lady. She’s introduced being this terrifying presence walking into the town, your protagonist being the only one who doesnt understand why everyone else is being all hushed whispers and closing all their shops. Since you come from a sheltered rich kid background, you’re very out of touch with common issues and had no clue this disease even exists. (Even though rich folks are the ones who had the power to help them, are the ones who refused, are the ones who spread the propeganda and then tried to cover up all their own failures...)
So you’re the only one who treats this seemingly terrifying vagrant as a normal person, even though it’s (initially) just because you didn’t know the situation. Because of this, she ends up seeing you as a friend and coming back again. And then its up to the player whether you fall for all the predjudice and decide to cut all ties with her from here on, or whether you continue to stand up for her rights and try and change the way society treats her.
ANYWAY, her personality once she opens up to you would be the total opposite of her imposing appearance. She’s a chronic sufferer of self-hate issues, who’s been living completely alone in the forest for a long time, after being kicked out by her family and having no-one to turn to. I’m thinking she constantly speaks like... shy equivelant of Fuujin from FF8? One word sentences, but whispered instead of yelled. And like..
“.......ah..............s-....sorry........?”
*questioning inflection of silence*
“......uhhm........?”
*unfurls hand hesitantly from under cloak and points at loaf of bread*
*counts out coins meticulously, making sure to spread her hands and show she’s wearing gloves, she’s keeping them in a pouch, she hasn’t touched them*
*places them on the very edge of the counter and backs away slowly, assuming you’re thinking the worst of her*
*won’t take the bread directly from your hands, just in case*
*struggling to speak again*
“... th-.... ah-...... t-thank....... you.....”
*mumbles her way out of the store quickly and awkwardly*
This is kinda how she’s had to deal with buying supplies from EVERYONE EVERYWHERE. This tends to happen with like the one store in town that’ll take pity and throw her some food, at a greatly inflated price. She’s just had to like.. keep trying. Wear them down. If she keeps coming to a town repeatedly they’ll eventually get frustrated enough to give her what she wants.... or they’ll call the sheriff to chase her off. Either way she finally gets a yes or no answer on that place, and can tick it off on her cross country map of spots to find actual supplies.
So she like.. CAN NOT function in a regular shop environment anymore. Probably the first hint that she isn’t really scary is how she’d totally freak out at you treating her normally! She’d be TERRIFIED!! There’s no way she’d actually agree to talking normally, she’d adamantly refuse to taking anything for free, seriously WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, ARE YOU A DEMON??? *sobs into the complimentary bread*
It’d be a few visits before she actually opens up to you, and even then she’s very monosyllabic. She literally hasnt talked to anyone for years, she’s become so hardened to loneliness and cruel treatment that she can’t remember how to react to kind people anymore. And her voice is so hoarse both from this and from.. well.. the disease. She hasn’t even had the minimal treatment that’s available nowadays... for the rich, at least. So along with her sidequest being to help everyone understand her, you’re also searching for a doctor who’d treat her, and trying to save up the ridiculous amounts of money it would take. Its far easier if you succeed at destroying enough of the town’s ignorance, and make at least a few friendship links between her and your other sidequest pals. You can start having a town-wide fundraiser to get her the lifesaving medicine! Tho probably that leads to its own sidequest of having to track her down after she runs away, worried that she doesn’t deserve it and she’s just gonna cause more problems for her new friends. NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Anyway, the general structure of her as a customer is that she kinda accepts ANYTHING, and doesn’t have much money to do it with. She’s very lonely, and only built up the courage to come to this town on that first day because she heard about your petshop that sells to lower class citizens, and the idea of getting her own monster friend was like a ray of hope in her life!
If you decide not to chase her away from the town, she settles in the nearby forest where all the stray monsters live, and becomes like the scary local cryptid. “I totally saw an eight foot tall woman feeding the crows!!! What the fuck!!!” She has a problem with sacrificing herself to protect all these wild animals, they’re just SO BEAUTIFUL and MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING!! She’s always going hungry cos she gives all her food to them, and then they start to love her in return and she gets a veritable army of feral pals that’ll defend her from anyone who tries to burn her tent down again.
So she starts off desperately trying to buy a monster from you, any monster, and then after she gets her first one she starts befriending the forest monsters with its help, and becomes your biggest customer of monster supplies instead. She wants to give all these wild babies the closest life to a normal pet as possible! But she also still will buy literally any monster from you, ever, anytime. Doesn’t matter that she already has fifty, she can always take care of more! Though you do get better results if you give her ones high in defense stats and etc, cos its tough to live out there in the forest, even if your trainer is going hungry to ensure you get the best snacks. Oh, and she’d probably be ABSOLUTELY OVER THE MOON if you could sell her a monster that also has flowers or flower patterns. (Tho i think protagonist would be worried it would be insensitive, but she actually does like them cos they make her feel less lonely)
She’s also an incentive to help out with your cookery crafting skills! Cos initially she’s having trouble being able to access any of the other shops in the town, she’ll just buy whatever spare food you have lying around. Even your absolute worst failed dishes are like heaven to her! So you can get more exp from cooking and also make a profit from it, thus helping you get better at crafting fancy dishes for your sweet monster pals. (And your strange tall pal!)
Oh, and it’d probably also be an element that people in the town try and ‘politely’ advise you that you shouldn’t sell to her ‘for your own safety’. Because of the flower people’s magic draining powers, there’s the very real worry that one of them could be buying monsters from your store just to drain them dry and slow down their own death. But it sucks to assume the worst of her before you even know her, and honestly even if someone was doing that it’s dishonest to frame them as evil and predatory when seriously they are only committing a crime TO SLOW DOWN THEIR OWN DEATH! I bet that would be the most terrifying depressing situation for them, having to kill a small animal cos you’re having an attack of your symptoms and you just desperately don’t want to die...
And now on to the other supporting npcs I thought could be useful to this plot!
I thought of maybe there being bakers cos... well, the first scene I thought of while planning her personality was her trying to buy a loaf of bread. SIMPLE BRAIN PATHS! WOO! But somehow these bakers ended up gaining a way bigger plot role than I intended O_O
I’m imagining them as some sort of Super Duo, just cos this plot idea requires one who starts off sympathetic to flower lady and a boss that provides an obstacle in this. I’m thinking maybe the good guy baker sneaks bread out to flower lady, and their greedy boss is all like ‘no! There are laws in place! Food waste must be destroyed! No giving to the homeless!’ (THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING THAT EXISTS. Almost every major fast food company does it! You can get arrested for stealing food from the bins, or for being an employee who tries to give the food to someone, even if it’s excess food that would just be binned anyway.)
But then I ended up humanizing the grumpy boss instead of having them JUST be an enemy. I started imagining this as a family business, and the grumpy boss is their grandma? And then i thought maybe that would be a good vehicle to deliver the backstory worldbuilding about this disease, and now I am REALLY SAD about this grumpy grandma! I was thinking maybe she’s actually someone who lost a lot of friends in the initial outbreak of flower syndrome, and used to protest against it, and became all bitter and depressed after what happened, which is why she’s such a cynical mess nowadays. I think maybe the plot would work better if its like.. the grandkid baker just THINKS that grandma would object to serving a flower disease customer, and then when grandma actually sees who’s been ‘stealing’ her profits, she breaks down crying. Nobody in her family even knew she was so close to the tragedy, she’s been keeping it secret cos even though she isn’t infected she could still be ostracized for being part of that community and all.
I’m thinking its gonna just be a very direct analogue, I’m gonna say that LGBTQ people were demonized as the ‘cause’ of this disease back when it was poorly understood. ‘Its caused by greed and sin’ = people pick whichever subjective ‘sin’ they wanna blame...
So grandma shows you all her quilt that she’s been keeping secret, full of patches commemorating everyone she knew who died, and tells you about how the tragedy went down and how she got her start as such a cold and untrusting person out of the fear of ever loving anyone again in case she lost them. And everyone gets to have ALL OF THE HUGS, even though hugs can’t erase what happened :(
But finding a family that can support her can help flower lady right now, grandma is determined to find a way to save this one person and make up for everyone she couldn’t save! They help you on your quest to track down a doctor, and they give flower lady a place to stay as part of their family, no matter what anyone thinks!
And then i think maybe after flower lady manages to get her medicine, grandma actually leaves on a journey with the doctor, to learn how to become a doctor too. She was in medical training when she was younger, before she had to drop out of education due to all that happened. And she just ended up inheriting the family bakery, even though she personally sucks at baking and hates it. (Which is why employee/grandson does all the work and stuff) So now she sees this as a chance to redeem herself, you help convince her that its not too late! She’s gonna use however many years she has left to help people! if she has to be cursed with outliving everyone, she’ll use this long life to make a difference!
So its sad cos grandma has to leave on her journey, but grandson takes over the shop and flower lady is employed as an assistant. And they keep in touch with grandma in the mail. (You can sell them a good carrier pigeon monster to help!)
Another npc there could be is... another greedy guy!!
I started thinking him up cos i was just wondering about who could be a friend to the grandma. I mean, the npcs have to have relationships and rivalries between each other, its not like the protagonist is the only one who matters, lol
This idea i have is (for some reason) someone who looks like a younger AZ from pokemon, wearing a cowboy hat. Kinda?
He’s a travelling merchant and ssssssort of the same greedy archetype as grumpy grandpa, but sort of not? He’s an even more huge penny pincher than her, but he doesn’t seem to have his heart in it. He’s constantly desperately wringing any potential money out of anything, overcharging as much as he possibly can, getting himself hurt doing silly get rich schemes. But then he’s not really a jerk about it. He’s very friendly and cares about his customers, unable to actually scam them even as he announces his intentions to do it. He’s constantly betrayed by his own kindness, and ends up giving away free stuff to anyone who has a sob story! He also never seems to actually really spend his money on himself, its not like he actually has any of the luxury he’s always rambling about. I mean, he does indeed seem to have a genuine greed and a few lofty dreams, but then he just puts all his profits in his savings no matter how much it hurts him to do it.
*crying over a fancy hat as he dumps his purse in the Swear Jar*
So anyway, his connection to this plot about the flower disease is that his Secret Reason For The Greedy is only revealed if you befriend both him and the flower lady.
After you progress the story enough to get her first Happy Ending of getting adopted by the baker family, her second Happy Ending of finally getting the medicine, and her third Happy Ending of becoming the new assistant baker after grandma moves away, the plot still stubbornly continues because really no ending is an ending, yknow?
I’m thinking this sort of formula could work really well with a game that has no real overall plot, and is more of just a slice of life theoretically endless thing. When you’re playing Monster Rancher there’s never really any huge changes in the town you still always have the same shopkeepers and nobody even ages. And even though Animal Crossing has villagers moving in and out, its also kinda the same, there’s never any real character development or shifting of the status quo. So I’m thinking having changing generations of the town and continuity between them could be a good way to keep stuff engaging even as you keep playing the same sort of gameplay forever. Maybe some people move away, maybe some people move in, maybe some people get married or have kids, who knows!
So yeah, after the status quo change of the baker grandma moving away and flower lady leaving her homelessness tent to become a full time resident, thats’s when this new sidequest starts. Stuff still isnt instantly perfect for her, she’s still facing predjudice from some people, especially now she’s in a rather public position as an employee. All the controversy over having her work with food, even though SERIOUSLY, DUDE, you can’t catch it from just touching someone who has it! I think she’d feel absolutely terrible, she’d be worried that she’s causing her benefactors to lose business because she’s here. And she’d also have just normal social anxiety adjusting to doing her first job ever, and having to do so much talking. She was homeless since she was very young, she even has trouble with complex mathematics cos she never finished school.
Another reason merchant guy could be a good friend of the family, he could help tutor her on this stuff! And general shopkeeping techniques, cos both her and grandson are both super good guy pushovers and all. (”Don’t worry, I’m a wimp too, and even I can manage to be greedy with these five simple steps! ....that’ll be 50 dollars.”)
But the main plot for him and flower lady is how he finally reveals his secret reason for being so greedy. One day he just comes along leading a little girl by his hand, and lifts her up so she can see the lady at the bakery counter. “Daddy, she’s got flowers like me!!”
He’s been sending all of his profits home to pay for his kid’s medical bills, and he finally decided to let you know once he met someone else with the same condition. He’s been keeping it a secret because people hate flower sufferers so much, and he desperately needs to keep up the trade route with this town otherwise he can’t afford to look after her. he’s so damn relieved to be able to stop lying to you, and to finally introduce his lil bundle of joy! And to let her see someone else with the same condition, for the first time in her life!
And then the lil girl could become friends with tall flower lady, and be all like ‘you look so pretty!’ which is something nobody’s ever said to her since she got sick, and just... HEARTWARMING TIME
And it could help flower lady keep hope even though predjudice hasnt completely stopped in the world. At least now she’s found some good people, and she can see that her bravery in working at this job is inspiring young sufferers to feel that their life isnt completely over.
So they all send off another letter to grandma together, and have a nice family dinner with this other family, and with yours too. :3
(...also, merchant guy apologizes for lying to his close friend grandma for so long, and they laugh at how they both had so much in common and never found out until now! And she is HELLA EXCITED to meet his daughter when she comes back ^_^)
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Secret Squirrel Makes War Much Easier On The Population Of The World.
Secret Squirrel has seen the horrors of the day
developing, emerging, evolving, war being very much like the Alien Xenomorph. He's seen two ridiculous fat men circling,taunting and screaming at each other, (Donald Trump and Kim Jung Un) threatening nuclear war. This displeases Squirrel enormously since Squirrel has pondered and noted that Trump and Kim Jong Un are both working towards and want war, nuclear war evidently. Squirrel has pondered, "I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! I'm doomed! I'm DOOMED! They taught me up here in school, I have to crawl under a desk, and sniff Rhoda's behind! I don't HAVE a desk, and Rhoda's in Montreal! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! I'm DOOMED! I'm DOOMED!" Yes, this displeases Squirrel very very much.
Well, what of war? Total war became the norm only a few centuries ago. In medieval times, with exceptions, wars were between combatants. Civilian populations were left to themselves, except perhaps to raid their farms for food. In wars of conquest destroying producers and productive assets was counterproductive.
As I say, there were exceptions. One was the Mongols, who eradicated entire populations. They valued empty pasture over settlements.
In ancient times armies could be quite brutal, but the term "total war" came into use to describe the difference between modern and medieval war, which had become the norm.
The American Civil War was total war on the North's part. The civilian population was deliberately targeted, most notably in Sherman's march to the sea. One northern newspaper editorialized:
“When the rebellious traitors [Southern secessionists] are overwhelmed in the field . . . it must not be to return to peaceful and contented homes. They must find poverty at their firesides, and see privation in the anxious eyes of mothers, and the rags of children.”
Another paper “calls . . for the punishment of all individuals at the South, by hanging, and the confiscation of everyone’s property. ” Richmond “must be laid in ashes.” Baltimore “must become a heap of cinders and ashes” and “its inhabitants ‘ought either to be slaughtered, or scattered to the winds . . .” Virginia and Maryland “deserve to be laid waste and made desolate.”
The fire bombing of Dresden in WWII was designed to terrorize the civilian population of Germany by killing many of them. Likewise that atomic bombs at Nagasaki and Hiroshima.
It's sometimes claimed that democracies don't go to war with each other. Nonsense. When they do, total war is the norm.
When kings ruled the lands wars were between them, for limited objectives. They paid from their own treasuries (though at times augmented by taxation of the people). Citizens were otherwise irrelevant, except for those young who might callously picture war as an adventure and enlist (or be shanghaied) into the military.. Trade went on mostly as usual even across national borders.
In democratic systems the entire populace is theoretically responsible for the war, having elected the leaders. Propaganda is put forth to convince them of the rightness of the cause. The industrial capacity of the nation is commandeered for war production. The people are to not trade with the enemy. They're expected to hail the combatants as heroes, and castigate the other side's combatants as cowards.
Some recent wars don't quite fit the pattern, only because they have been relatively small. It may be total war in Afghanistan, but with a voluntary military many Americans can see such actions as remote and irrelevant to their daily lives.
total war.........According to Karl von Clausewitz, war is "the continuation of politics by other means"....some would say a failure of politics, but then obviously throughout the ages, politicians have most definitely been utter failures much as they still are yet today.
The war is the way to conflict, more serious socio-political conflict between two or more groups. It is perhaps one of the most ancient of all international relations, even if it becomes a phenomenon particularly with the beginning of civilizations. It is the organized confrontation of human armed groups, with the purpose of controlling human or natural resources, or disarmament, submission and, where applicable, destruction of the enemy, and are produced by multiple causes, among which tend to be the maintenance or replacement of power relations, resolve economic or territorial disputes.
In political science and international relations, the war is a political instrument, to the service of a State or another organization with political purposes.
The word war has Germanic origin, "werra", which means fight, discord, tumult. And the term refers to the struggle or armed conflict between two or more Nations or sides of one nation; as well as combat, dissent among two or more people.
The war has been a habitual means of problem solving among groups throughout our centuries. A war begins when you leave the dialog and appears violence; all with the aim of submitting to others, which is transformed into "enemy" to our will.
A war unfold a series of ideological, political, social, economic, and military; many are the reasons for it include the lust for power of the person or group, own a territory, religious or moral issues, etc.
When a war takes place as well know groups loaded weapons, that today have evolved and are more dangerous for humanity; Science and technology allows the use of new weapons and materials, nor can forget the refinement of methods of espionage and logistics systems and communication.
There are many consequences bringing the wars, one of them are great human and material, serious losses and serious political and economic disruptions sometimes lack of food, medicines, clothing and housing, among other consequences.
The war can refer to many types, we have the civil war, which occurs between opposite sides of a country; the world war, which is a military confrontation involving countries from different continents; the holy war, where religious grounds into action.
Chemical warfare, where there is the use of chemicals that can disperse over wide expanses in the form of dust, gases, vapors or aerosols, damaging the health of the living being and the environment; nuclear war, which refers to the use of nuclear weapons; the dirty war, where it is employed coercive or violent illegal actions by the State or paramilitary groups, among others.
The war can be described as an armed struggle between two or more States, or between areas of the same country (civil war). Also called war the violent opposition between two or more people by different interests. What triggers a war are many, but most of the conflicts of humanity had origin in religious issues, as for example, the Crusades, or territorial expansions, such as the expansion of the Roman Empire, the conquest of America or the first world war. Other crucial issues of wars are the ambitions of power, or economic causes.
Two world wars events to mankind in the 20th century and determined the creation of the United Nations, to try to settle international conflicts and not become armed clashes. However the war is as old as man and threat with accompany him in his time on earth while it lasts.
If not war, then what? What are nonviolent alternatives to war?
The technology and methodology of war has developed over several thousand years, particularly accelerating in the last century. The United States has numerous military academies and war colleges (for a list see here) and spends about $600 billion each year for weapons development, military training, and maintenance of a massive war machine. The world currently spends over one trillion dollars each year on military might. Sadly thence we see that war is a business,big business, and good for business. We also note that income tax was first started by William Pitt The Younger, to fund his Napoleonic Wars...and income tax and wars have continued to this day.
Now I mentioned are there alternatives to war..well let's consider the 1965 Italian movie, The Tenth Victim....In the near future, big wars are avoided by giving individuals with violent tendencies a chance to kill in the Big Hunt. The Hunt is the most popular form of entertainment in the world and also attracts participants who are looking for fame and fortune. It includes ten rounds for each competitor, five as the hunters and five as the victims. The survivor of ten rounds becomes extremely wealthy and retires. Scenes switch between the pursuit, romance between a hunter and a victim, with a narrator explaining the rules and justification of the Hunt. Now consider Trump and Kim Jung Un running about just trying to kill each other...........well the two obese lards would certainly run about, run themselves thin, hiding no doubt.......and then, consider this, would either be actually willing to die for their respective countries, to go out and THENSLEVS risk death for either of their obese,jaded and somewhat mental ridiculous and warped views and sentiments? Hardly likely is it.
Consider substituting a Tamagotchi War,
Tamagotchi was invented by Aki Maita for which she won the 1997 Ig Nobel Prize for economics. Tamagotchi is a keychain-sized virtual pet simulation game. The characters are colorful and simplistically designed creatures based on animals, objects, or people. Beginning with the 2004 Tamagotchi Plus/Connection, a second wave of Tamagotchi toys emerged, featuring a different graphic design by JINCO and gameplay which elaborated upon the first generations. However, the story behind the games remained the same: Tamagotchis are a small alien species that deposited an egg on Earth to see what life was like, and it is up to the player to raise the egg into an adult creature. The creature goes through several stages of growth, and will develop differently depending on the care the player provides, with better care resulting in an adult creature that is smarter, happier, and requires less attention. Gameplay can vary widely between models, and some models, such as TamagoChu, require little to no care from the player. For its current 2 decades, Tamagotchi has gained popularity worldwide....Consider them placed in a room,in a mansion with all needs provided and the first who's Tamagotchi dies, looses...that and their life. Again it's THEM isn't it, neither would like to risk themselves. WAR would be preferred by both.
The how to satisfy their needs for wars,them NOT getting killed................and nobody getting killed at all? Would that be acceptable? To Them probably not, but how's about you consider Squirrel's solution to not having a messy war, by still having a war...of sorts.
Now consider this........Paintball is a game developed in the 1980s in which players eliminate opponents from play by hitting them with dye-filled, breakable, oil and gelatin paintballs, or pellets, usually shot from a carbon dioxide or compressed air (Nitrogen) powered “paintball marker”. The game is regularly played at a sporting level with organized competition involving major tournaments, professional teams, and players. Games can be played on indoor or outdoor fields of varying sizes. A game field is scattered with natural or artificial terrain, which players use for tactical cover. Game types in paintball vary, but can include capture the flag, elimination, ammunition limits, defending or attacking a particular point or area, or capturing objects of interest hidden in the playing area. Depending on the variant played, games can last from seconds to hours, or even days in scenario play.
The legality of paintball varies among countries and regions. In most areas where regulated play is offered, players are required to wear protective masks, use barrel blocking safety equipment, and game rules are strictly enforced.MilSim ("Military Simulation") is a mode of play designed to create an experience closer to military reality, where the attainment of specific objectives is the most important aspect of the game.
MilSim addresses the logistics of combat, mission planning and execution, and dealing with limited resources and ammunition. Players are typically eliminated from the game when struck by paint. For aesthetic reasons, MilSim often uses airsoft guns rather than paintball guns, as their prominent hoppers appear unrealistic, however Airsoft pellets, being smaller caliber and fired at higher velocity, have an increased risk of player injury if the scenario involves high rates of fire or close range.
With the advent of shaped projectiles, such as the First Strike, and the resulting development of magazine fed markers, a considerable increase in range, accuracy and MILSIM realism was gained. Functionally speaking, magazine-fed markers are no different than any other paintball marker, with one exception. Instead of paintballs being gravity fed from a bulky hopper, which sits above the marker, shaped projectiles (or paintballs) are fed from a spring-loaded magazine from the bottom of the marker. The caliber of both the gravity fed and magazine fed markers are the same (.68 caliber) and the velocities are also generally the same. The increased range and accuracy of the shaped projectile comes from the higher ballistic coefficient that the shaped projectile has, and the gyroscopic spin imparted onto the projectile from a rifled barrel and fins on the projectile itself. Magazine fed markers and shaped projectiles have allowed marker designs to more closely approximate the styling and functionality of actual (real steel) firearms, which intern has given paintball a better avenue to compete with Airsoft in the MilSiM environment.
You are getting Squirrel's idea now aren't you. You see each nation sends a properly appointed etc PAINTBALL TEAM.....to fight it out to the finish, according to the rules, whilst being watched and monitored. In the end, with the last man standing, untouched, THEIR team and nation etc would be the winner, and the desired,required outcome, be it territorial, technological or whatever would be fulfilled.
Well, how's about that eh! Whot! Beats the mess,the destruction,the horrors, the caracsses of the populations,the destruction that is war! Much better all round isn't it.
But would Kim Jung Un and Trump go for it, or would they and do they prefer............war...of any and all kinds...........think now. But here, Squirrel has provided an easy and painless and much less messy alternative to war.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL, MP, Dunny On The Wold,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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[[ this is kinda rambly and piecemeal and out of order since its an edited convo off of discord from before cy’s heart got replaced, but i decided i wanted this Extra Large thalassemia infodump on my blog. go read this primer first for basic info on thal; cyrus’s form is beta thalassemia major. ]]
even with a perfectly healthy and functional heart, cy'd still have a too fast pulse and likely have arrhythmias; that comes with the territory of his anemia, and he could still develop heart failure again later in life. the problem with cy's current heart is that its been scarred to shit by the extra iron in his body from his blood transfusions and hes developed cardiomyopathy as a result, which at this point is virtually guaranteed to kill him before he turns 30, even if he takes perfect care of himself and never develops any other complications from his thalassemia ever (which aint fuckin likely). this failing heart just deals worse with arrhythmias he already has, especially under stress, and already struggles to keep up enough blood pressure.
bone marrow transplants are currently the closest thing to a cure for thalassemia we have and hellll no he has not had that done i doubt hes even on a waiting list. with his shit in the state hes in, its questionable if he'd even survive the process its pretty intense, nevermind the finances and healing and finding a match and even so much as qualifying to have it done.
cyrus goes in for a blood transfusion every three weeks. when transfusion dates get close, within a few days, hes more tired; he doesnt go out; he can be moodier; he can get headaches and dizzy spells. he feels best after a transfusion, then its just a slow decline till the date rolls around again. i tend to rp him within a week or two of being transfused most of the time simply bc its easier to get him out there interacting with people.
sometimes they coincide with transfusion dates, sometimes they don't, but he has longer appointments to check up on his other bodily functions every so often. theres general stuff, looking at his counts, then more specialized appointments to keep an eye specifically on his heart or check up on his liver and other organs as needed.
thalassemia by itself kills a person through not having enough blood to get oxygen around the body; this is solved through blood transfusions. chronic anemia means chronic transfusions. which would be fine! except chronic transfusions cause a build-up of iron in the body, and that shit is toxic and where the more fatal complications tend to stem from for thalassemia patients. also, being anemic means your body thinks it needs iron, so it's prone to absorb more from food than the average person, an added bonus. consequently, there are certain foods cyrus avoids. legumes, dark leafy greens, etc. look up any list of iron-rich foods, and thats a list of shit cyrus ought to be avoiding or indulging rarely. (funnily enough, these lists also are often advertised towards anemic people because those who arent transfused have the opposite problem.) part of his tea drinking habit is because tea inhibits iron absorption, along with he just likes it. coffee works too and he doesnt object to it, but he prefers tea.
another consequence of chronic transfusions is that you end up with a lot of old shitty dead blood cells in your system, and your spleen is left to clean it up. unfortunately, when faced with that much to clean, it can enlarge (splenomegaly) and become overactive (hypersplenism). so it starts removing healthy blood cells too quickly and too early, which can cause the anemic patient to need more blood when being transfused, which risks more iron, and not to mention its generally uncomfortable for the patient with the enlarged spleen. in short, this happened to cyrus, so his spleen has been removed. spleens, however, also play an important role in the immune system, so he was already kinda vulnerable as an anemic, but having no spleen makes him doubly at risk of infections. he takes antibiotics as part of his daily pharmaceutical regime.
during cold and flu season, docs tend to strongly suggest he wear surgical masks during school and whenever hes around a lot of people in public places, but he almost never does. he doesnt like the attention it gets him esp in school, but sometimes he'll do it when hes on public transit or anything. he does carry hand sanitizer with him a lot of the time tho
bc his immune system is fragile, he often goes in-patient for what would be minor sicknesses for us, esp if theres a fever. he tends to be hit hard by them, and being sick can make his counts plummet as his body tries to fight off the disease.
coming back around to iron related bullshit, iron overload is treated by iron chelation, for which there are mainly two medicines, deferoxamine and deferasirox, and cyrus uses the latter because i have never been able to find out enough goddamn information about deferoxamine. deferoxamine is the more common and cheaper of the two medicines; its injected subcutaneously over the course of 8-12 hours and has its own list of side effects and the process itself tends to be kinda painful from the accounts ive read. its done at home, often while the patient sleeps bc... well, when else are you gonna get a child to sit still for 8-12 hours. its definitely the one cyrus was on for a while, when he was younger. bc ive had a hellish time finding info on the pump used for deferoxamine and more about that medicine generally, cy’s currently on deferasirox. slightly different side effects, but otherwise does the same job in pill form.
thalassemia patients who've been cared for properly should be healthier than cyrus is. most patients his age havent had a heart attack already and arent dealing with heart failure, not yet. his parents have always struggled financially to keep up with his medical bills, but there was a time when he was still young that they still thought they could manage if they just worked hard enough. they were too proud to accept help, and he suffered for it. they eventually gave in but even then still struggled to keep up. sometimes a sudden unexpected change in insurance policy would fuck em for a while finanacially. so sometimes they'd not fill a perscription for a while or wait longer than they should to take him in-patient, hoping he might just tough out a cold or smth. sometimes he'd manage to do that and have abysmal blood counts next time he went in, and a couple of times he got so sick he was legit on death's doorstep by the time he got to the hospital and needed way longer to recover. sometimes cyrus would be too fussy about the deferoxamine and they didnt have the energy that night to force him to accept it or he'd turn off the machine himself after they left. not too often, he was pretty good about just accepting it and did most of the time, but it def happened more than a few times. and if it had already been activated, they couldnt reuse it and had to throw the dose out, in which case that was it he skips it no replacement they cant afford it not in the budget.
and because the effects of iron overload are long-term ones for the most part, it was easy to be like "ehh he seems fine for now". like, they knew the risks, but it was hard to see them as anything but so far in the distance as to be irrelevant. cyrus himself isnt great about the whole self-care thing either; his depression has helped nothing. he's been known to just flush or toss pills in a small spiteful act of rebellion, all his parents care about is that hes still alive and their money, and medicine's expensive, so wouldnt it just piss em off to throw it all away. he'll eat foods he shouldnt for similar reasons, along with just the pleasure of it. and sometimes he hits the sort of suicidal low where he just.... doesnt see the point. each dose he takes is a choice to keep living, and sometimes that choice isnt one he wants to make.
no one quite realized how bad he was tho till his first heart attack. he was so young; the docs dont rly know when hes skipping, so they werent watching too closely for the effects of it. and the damage his body took over time was amplified by his frequent stress. the heart and liver are the ones most affected by iron overload; his liver is somewhat damaged too, but thats not too bad yet, not as bad as his heart.
other little thal things: hormone levels can get super fucked. cy's puberty was a bit delayed, and his testosterone levels remain kinda low compared to average, so hes not as hairy as his genetics might otherwise dictate. he will never be able to grow a proper beard; it'll always be way too patchy and uneven. and despite what his touch aversion and other factors like stress and said low testosterone might lead you to believe, hes got a pretty strong sex drive, though he suppresses the hell out of it.
he was homeschooled for his first few years of elementary bc health concerns, but that couldnt be sustained bc of cost. so he rejoined public school since then. i wouldnt be surprised if his peers used his puberty delays against him, but i'd expect they were making fun of him less bc he was a late bloomer and more at his general girlishness, esp since this would also be around the time he was growing out his hair.
he has had people do the "lookit me ive befriended the sad disabled kid arent i good <3" schtick (which esp pisses him off bc its similar to shit melinda pulls) and hes met the people who try to be nice to him for three days then turn a 180 on him when he doesnt immediately cheer up and get all buddy buddy with them. and hence he now treats kindness from strangers with extreme skepticism, suspicion, and aggression. (thomas also feeds into this but ye) it scares off plenty of legitimately nice people who he could have befriended, buuut.
Oh, a couple Fun Facts I forgot to mention. bc anemia, he bruises easy and injuries generally take longer than normal to heal. And in part bc depression and in part bc meds are prone to fucking with his appetite, either killing it entirely or just making him nauseated, he tends to not eat enough and is kind of underweight. Melinda put him in charge of dinner most nights as part of a genuine good faith effort to ensure he's getting at least one good meal and get him home when he's supposed to be.
#meta#fun fact#medical#there are so many little ways his disorder has shaped his life#even if they dont appear too obviously when im writing him in actual threads#suicide mention#thalassemia
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So about the 5 of CUPS. I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things. I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone. It is SO great to have a computer again. I am blessed, I am thankful. I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy. Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night. Not like the others. A good thing. She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself. Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen. So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush. I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong. I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people. I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year. I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved. In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here. Ayla is the only reason I love. It is true. I never loved before her. I never loved until I became a mother. And I loved everyone with that love, too. Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN. Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it. It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace. She is everything. She is my teacher. She is SO beautiful. And I cant stand to see her cry without crying. That image is burned in my brain. I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well. I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home. I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection. BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY. I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me. I have been unable to attain a living situation. And it is SO frustrating. I believe things can get better. I believe in me. I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition. I have been working very hard to be strong. I have worked very hard to be sober. Worked to be creative. Worked to be spiritually sound. Worked to have greater understanding. And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc. It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay. I am happy. I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect. I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure. I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently. Im used to it!!!!!! I accept it. My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway. The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard. Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake. I feel awful after I eat. I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again. I hate eating. Yet, Im always hungry now it seems. My weight is 115. Im on track, perfect weight. Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan. Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something. Ill have to check. The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”. It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive. So happy inside. I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla. So forgiveness is there. I needed THEIR love. Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey. No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad. But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani. I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her. She is truly ahead of her time. I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter. Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani. It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money. What I can do, is be there for them in other ways. In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are. It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too. And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically. I have to reiterate that. She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her. I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me. I have struggled with the selfishness of that. I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him. IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing. The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke. I am still struggling. Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down. Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey. Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally. I know this. Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge. Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen. Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect. That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote. I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away. It must make it off the page and into something shareable. I write too much to keep throwing it away. It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it. Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing. it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled. I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up. but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!
but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!
I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else. I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad. Its really simple when you realize. You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really. I still do it. I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for. I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader... i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.
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13 New Healthy Habits That Changed My Life in 2018
New blog post! Now that the New Year is almost here, New Years Resolutions are a common topic of conversation...and while I rarely make a strict resolution, I do love making small changes to my everyday routine that add up to a BIG impact. So I thought I’d join The Mighty’s #52SmallThings challenge and share 13 small healthy habits - in diet, exercise and just everyday life - that made my life a 1000% better this year.
Like always, I want to make it clear that I'm not a dietician, nutritionist or doctor. I'm just a girl with two chronic illnesses who likes sharing what lifestyle choices help me thrive, mentally and physically! So if you do want to make big changes in your life in 2019 (or even enact some of the bigger changes in diet, exercise, etc. that I mention in this post), I recommend talking to a medical professional first. But if you're looking for ideas of healthy New Years resolutions or small tweaks you can make in 2019 that could improve your whole life, keep reading to find inspiration in what habits worked for me!
1. Replacing half of my TV time with audiobooks.
My college roommates could attest to the fact that I used to be addicted to Netflix, Hulu and other streaming sites. I’m a natural multitasker, so I’d always have some show playing in the background as I blogged, did chores, cooked or surfed the web. And I still watch TV shows regularly (check out my list of awesome food-related documentaries on Netflix if you need new show recommendations!). However, I’d say I watch a quarter of what I used to...and that’s because I’ve started listening to audiobooks instead!
Not only does this let me read more books during the school year (when I rarely have time to physically “read” anything beyond my assigned books) but audiobooks have also been shown to improve critical listening, comprehension, vocabulary, pronunciation - whether you're a student or an adult reader. Plus, listening to audiobooks could also save you money in the long run if you stop paying for cable or pay for just one streaming service. I get all of my audiobooks from the library using OverDrive, so I’d highly recommend seeing if your library offers the same OverDrive resource.
2. Finding teas that I actually love to drink.
I actually have my sister to thank for starting this healthy habit since her Christmas gift to me last year was a big bundle of gluten free, decaffeinated tea. Before her gift, I always wanted to like tea but never drank it regularly. This past year, though, Bigelow's Lemon Ginger Herbal Tea + Probiotics and Orange & Spice Tea have become my favorite way to warm up on a very cold day in Minnesota. Plus, I’ve found that drinking a warm cup of tea is a great way to practice self-care on days when my stomach or digestion is acting up. So whether you’re trying to stop drinking coffee and want to get your caffeine from tea instead or just want the health benefits that can come from certain types of tea, drinking more tea is an easy New Years resolution or small, healthy habit to try.
PS - that glass straw is from Foods Alive, for whom I serve as an ambassador, and it is super awesome!
3. Being LESS strict with my diet.
I know that especially around the New Years, people are usually trying to eat healthier and cut out a lot of the treats they’ve been enjoying during the holidays. But I’ve been taking a different approach in 2018 - and it’s been working so well, I don’t plan on changing it in 2019: I’ve been eating a little bit of anything and everything (that’s gluten free).
Like I’ve written about before, I’ve experimented with a LOT of different diets since my celiac disease diagnosis. I’ve tried paleo. I’ve tried eating super clean with little to no processed foods. And for a lot of 2017 and 2018, I ate vegan. But in the latter half of last year, I continued loosening up on my diet. I ate meat when I felt like it and more ice cream in one semester than I probably ate in all 2017. I experimented with different gluten free foods, like hummus and freezer meals. And you know what? I’m happier. I’m at a healthier weight (more on that below). And it's been pretty freakin' delicious to eat ground turkey with my dinner or ice cream with my night snack.
This isn’t to say that you should go crazy on whatever foods (if any) you’ve been limiting lately. And obviously there are some foods that DON'T do well with people (like gluten for people with celiac disease), and it IS an act of self-care to avoid those triggers. However, I did want to share my experience to show that eating “perfectly” or eating a certain diet isn’t always better than just eating what your body craves and going with the flow.
4. Establishing a regular weight-lifting routine.
One of the other biggest reasons I think I gained some curves and muscle in 2018? I started lifting weights on a regular basis...and progressively lifting heavier.
I’ve flirted with the weight room since junior year of college, but I always did more cardio than weight lifting. And I still do a good amount of cardio (this gal loves a stair stepper workout!), but leg injuries forced me to dive deeper into the realm of weight lifting, and I’m really glad they did! I’m certainly no pro at lifting weights and still don’t lift very heavy compared to many people, but I love how strong I feel now and getting to challenge myself by slowly racking up the weight.
Nowadays, it seems a LOT more socially acceptable for women to lift weights and use the weight room at gyms. However, it definitely can feel intimidating to walk into a weight room full of huge dudes who all seem to know exactly what they’re doing. Just know that getting to see and feel yourself getting stronger is so worth that initial discomfort or the days it takes you to figure out weight lifting equipment and proper form. Gaining some extra curves along the way has just been a bonus!
5. Listening to podcasts when I'm working out or doing chores.
This year also marked the start of my love for podcasts. While I listened to them every so often before, now I go through a handful of episodes each week, and it’s definitely given me some new topics to bring up in conversations. Plus, depending on the podcast I listen to, I often feel less alone about certain struggles I’m going through (like the general chaos of life in your 20s) and learn new skills related to mindfulness, meditation, gratitude, etc.
Of course, it is important to give yourself a break and not be listening to something every single minute of your day. But if you want to replace some of your TV with informative or entertaining podcasts, or just want to learn some new facts in your spare time, some of my fave podcasts right now are:
Trader Joe’s (Inside) - all about Trader Joe’s, as told from various employees on the inside
How I Built This - each episode features an interview with a new entrepreneur about how they succeeded at building their company or brand
Freakonomics Radio - in-depth conversations with various experts on interesting topics ranging from the obesity crisis to the connection between religion and happiness
Oprah’s Supersoul Conversations - it’s Oprah and she’s interviewing a bunch of crazy cool people about deep takeaways they’ve gotten from life
That's So Maven - I only just discovered that The Healthy Maven (an awesome blog) has its own, equally awesome podcast all about health, wellness and everyday life.
6. Saying "yes" to social events I initially felt on the fence about going to.
To be completely honest...I’m a homebody. 9/10 Friday nights, I’m chilling in my apartment with Netflix and homemade granola. But in 2018, I tried to say “yes” to more invitations, even if they were out of my comfort zone. And as a result, I...
...stayed up until 2 AM dancing at a club in downtown Minneapolis.
...went to a concert held by one of my professors and discovered that tipsy people really like my fuzzy black scarf.
...almost froze seeing Christmas lights in Mankato but also managed to see some real-live reindeer!
...am visiting a special someone in San Diego for part of my Christmas break. (And if you notice that I'm a bit quiet on the blog/social media next week, this visit is why!)
I wouldn’t say that everything I said “yes” to in 2018 was a complete success. But I’m going to start 2019 with a heck of a lot of good memories that I wouldn’t have made if I’d said “no” to everything that was a little out of my comfort zone.
7. Saying "no" to things I felt like I SHOULD do...but actually didn't want or need.
At the same time, though, healthy living for me involves saying “no” to a good amount of social or work invitations. The truth is, grad school is exhausting...especially when you’re also working several jobs and have two chronic illnesses. So a lot of the time, I can’t do all the things I want to. I still feel guilty sometimes for not being a “good enough” MFA student since I miss so many department-related events. And a big part of me wishes I could live off of 4 or 6 hours of sleep like other college students and dedicate those extra hours to blogging more or doing more freelance work or spending more time with friends.
But my body doesn’t work like that. And if you have your own health struggles or just have the tendency to say “yes” to things out of obligation instead of actual enjoyment...maybe the best New Years resolution is saying “no” more. Staying in on a Saturday night if that’s what your mind or body needs. Making friends with people who understand when you need some alone time. And, at the most basic level, saying “yes” to your own needs BEFORE saying “yes” to anything else.
Personally, I know that’s one “goal” I’m always going to be working on, including in 2019!
8. Starting each morning with a solo dance party.
This year of grad school, I’m teaching an 8 AM Intro to English Composition class. And I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes it’s hard to get myself out of bed, across campus and excited to teach that early in the morning. This last semester, though, I’ve started playing even just a few minutes of my favorite songs when I wake up, and I think it’s definitely helped make me a little more motivated to head off to class. Research even reports that listening to music that you like triggers the release of dopamine, or the “happy hormone” in the brain. So the next time you have an early morning you’re not looking forward to or just need a pick-me-up anytime in the day, groovin’ to some of your favorite tunes might help!
9. Foam rolling after every single workout.
I don’t really have much to say about this except do it. 2018 was the first year that I actually committed to foam rolling any time I do a leg workout, and it has seriously done wonders for my soreness and healing from my leg injuries.
10. Eating more plant-based protein...but not restricting myself from meat.
I already mentioned this a little bit earlier on in the post, but it was a big enough change to deserve its own bullet. If you follow me on Instagram, you probably noticed that over the past year and a half, I’ve been eating more hummus and beans than my old favorite of sweet potato salmon sliders. During that time, I love that I was able to slowly increase my stomach’s tolerance for legumes (by eating a verrrrry small amount of beans and then working up) and I’ve really enjoyed experimenting with new plant-based foods like pulled BBQ jackfruit or homemade hummus.
But over the last few months, I’ve added meat back into my diet. And you know what? I’ve found that’s what works best for me.
Now I'm not saying that a vegan diet can't work for people or isn't a good idea. If you don't want to eat meat or eggs or dairy and that works for you, great! And I can honestly say that a vegan and gluten free diet can still be super delicious. But if 2018 taught me anything, it's that every body thrives on a different diet. And I just hope that anyone who wants to experiment with a new diet in 2019 or make a healthy eating New Year's resolution remembers that!
11. Sharing regular phone calls with old friends.
I was warned about how hard it would be to stay in contact with college friends after graduation, and that’s definitely true. Last year, though, I tried to make it more of a priority to catch up with old friends and it felt super rewarding. As anyone who’s ever been (or is presently) in their 20s knows, it’s a really weird time. People are doing everything from still living at home with their parents to getting married and having kids to starting their career to being in school like me. And during weeks when I feel really unsure about what the heck I was doing with life, it helps a lot to have someone to talk to who knows me but is now doing something totally different than I am.
12. Turning off push notifications for my social media apps.
I’m not gonna lie. I spend a loooot of time on my phone. But one step that did help in 2018 was turning off push notifications for social media apps. A 2015 study actually tested the effects of saying "no" to push notifications and found that people were more productive and less distracted in the first 24 hours. And when researchers checked in with study participants one year later, two-thirds had chosen to keep their notifications off, increasing their long-term chances of being less stress and more focused.
Now, I wouldn’t say that muting notifications has turned me into a super productive superwoman. But I think it does help keep me from getting distracted by every Facebook comment or Instagram direct message when they happen - and, at the very least, no harm was done by turning my push notifications off!
13. Celebrating the moments when I walk by the mirror and think, "Dang girl, you're lookin' good!"
Body image with celiac disease is always a complicated topic, and I definitely haven't discovered the secret to self-love with chronic illness. BUT in 2018, I did get a lot better at celebrating the moments when I do feel at home in my body, no matter what surprises it throws my way. And here's the biggest thing about self-love and self-care I learned in 2018: it doesn't have to be complicated! It doesn't require fancy face masks or a morning ritual of staring at the mirror and saying everything you love about your body. It can be as simple as taking a selfie or taking an extra moment to smile in the mirror on days you're feeling really good.
If you want to step up your whole self-love and self-care routine, check out my posts (here and here) on some simple and quick self-love activities you can try. But don't forget to get the most out of the little moments, too, when you feel awesome and can celebrate that vibe!
My Biggest Goal for 2019
Even as I'm finishing up this post on Christmas Day, it blows my mind that 2018 is almost over. It was not a perfect year (is there even such a thing?!?) but it was a year full of growth and laughter and adventures and challenges and successes...and new healthy habits that I'm definitely going to keep up in the New Year!
Like I said earlier in this post, I rarely make New Year's resolutions, and that isn't changing in 2019. But I do like picking a word to focus on...and in 2019, my word is going to be "open."
Open to new opportunities, even if they scare me or aren't what I was planning or expecting.
Open to changes in my routine, even if routine is what I'm most comfortable with.
And, of course, open to discovering more habits that will help me live a happy, healthy life!
What's one healthy habit that's changed your life? Tell me in the comments!
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Pokemon Petcare Headcanons
Because it is 4am and i cant sleep, I shall ramble!
~ Sneasel ~
(i already mentioned these before when talking about my oc, kinda)
* Sneasels are very social and will be heavily depressed if they can’t replace the pack dynamics they have in the wild. So they do well in a large party!
* However, since they’re quite skittish it’s best to keep your new friend in a separate room for the first few days and introduce it to your other pokemon slowly. Letting them snuggle into another mon’s blanket helps them get used to their scent, and being able to groom their new friend or bring them prey offerings is the best way for your snea to show fealty to their new alpha. (Or, if they’re not gonna be an outside snea, just let them ‘hunt’ some food pellets, lol)
* If a sneasel loses one of their feathers, they’re disabled as much as if they lost a limb. Surgically grafting on another feather or plastic replacement will help them keep their balance and be happy in their appearance at mating season, but nothing can replace the sensory input they usually process through these complex feather organs. Special sneasel hearing aids are currently in development at Devon Corp, but are far from becoming mainstream in the petcare community.
* Pretty much all of these things are multiplied when taking care of a Weavile, so it’s advised to raise one from a Sneasel if you want to keep it as a pet. Their ears have become vestigal and they rely entirely on feathers to sense air vibrations. And, since usually an evolved type would become the alpha of the pack, their simultaneous clinginess and wariness is an even bigger problem! They'll become very territorial and struggle bonding with other pets unless they’re allowed to take a dominant role as the most important party member.
~ Ghost types ~
* They have trouble sleeping unless they’re somewhere dark and cosy. Many cases of being spooked by wild ghosts are completely accidental, they just love to hide under beds and inside cupboards! (I think the classic trope of bats bursting out of wardrobes in haunted houses would be filled by Gastly in this universe) In the petcare community, you can buy special hutches for your spooky bab, shaped like a coffin/breadbox sort of thing. Line it with some nice soft towelling, and place a hot water bottle in between the layers if you’re keeping Litwicks. Its technically not necessary to have a lid, since the ghost can just phase through the side. But sometimes you need to take it out even when it’s too shy to listen to you, e.g. when it’s time for the vet
* Ghost types are generally fond of sugary foods, and it’s part of why they’re attracted to human settlements. People living in eterna city often get annoyed by wild gastlys phasing into their kitchen at night and knocking over the poptarts. They’re basically the local pigeons.
* Broken electronics can be a fun play gym for pet Rotoms! Stack them up together and your plasma pal can have endless enjoyment zooming between them~! More complex electronics are like a longer maze to play in, and stuff that makes lights and sounds can occupy them for hours. But because of this, its reccommended to make their play area somewhere outside where they won’t wake you up at 3am.
* Many ghosts might kinda drain the lifeforce of the living. But really, its a very manageable behaviour! Training your drifloon not to drag you to the underworld is just like teaching your meowth to use the litter tray. Don’t be harsh, the lil guy doesnt understand why it upsets you! And as for a litwick burning up your soul energy as a snack, as long as you don’t overfeed it you shouldn’t experience any longterm health problems. The only fatalities in the wild are from people who run into an entire pack of starving candles. One small pet only eats enough to make you feel mildly lethargic, and you’ll quickly get used to it. They only need to feed once per week, so you can simply set feeding time to the weekend, or whenever you need help sleeping.
* Ghosts may try and tell you they can totally handle scary movies. There are no reported cases of ghosts being able to handle scary movies. Please hug your ghost closely.
~ Muk ~
* Despite its goopy appearace, Muk will not leave a slime trail if hugged. Their composition resembles a gigantic cell, they have a form of thin translucent ‘skin’ covering their slime that keeps it all held together, like a cell wall. So the componant parts of this liquid organism cannot separate unless it chooses to split, or if it takes serious damage. in summary. hugging your muk will not stain your clothes! You still might smell a little weird afterwards, though!
* Car tyres are a nice treat to give your Muk while you teach it to do tricks. They usually eat only liquid pollution, rotten food, etc, and cannot consume anything too solid as they lack teeth. But rubber is nice and chewy while also being easy to dissolve with their gross poison spit. Its basically smog monster candy!
* Alolan muks actually have teeth to consume solid food, but still it isn’t exactly healthy for them. They changed into this form from scavenging on less healthy heavier pollution, and it comes with a lot of health problems much like the extreme evolution of wild boar to domesticated pigs. Good free-range muk farms take the time to sort out the recyleable trash for them to eat, rather than risking them choking. But importing garbodors and heatmors to deal with the plastic and metal trash is a large expense for Alola’s government.
* Despite being the personification of trash, Muk is also paradoxically one of the cleanest creatures. They’re able to harmlessly consume and deconstruct countless forms of dangerous waste that would otherwise take centuries to rot naturally. And they can even neutralize acids and radioacitivity! They take in all this gross stuff and output nothing but mildly stinky farts. (Kinda like intense disenfectant combined with petrol fumes) So, in the grand scheme of the universe, they clean way more things than they ruin!
* Muks really like hugs. They’re like giant beanbags! Hug them!
~ Lurantis ~
* Remember to periodically groom any stray leaves that grow on your lurantis! Their mating displays involve whoever can most accurately imitate being a bug and not a flower. So they get very fussy and vain over any little twigs.
* Lurantis lives primarily upon sap stolen from other trees, its kind of a parasitic plant that was so parasitic it grew legs and knife hands. All the better to eat you with! Honey is a nice equivelant that’s easier to acquire for a pet owner.
* They also just straight up eat flowers. Berries, not so much, oddly!
* Please be careful keeping a Lurantis around other grass types. Also around bug types, even though Lurantis looks like one and shares the same dietary habits, its still a plant. Lurantis’s entire evolution revolves around camoflaging as a bug type, but smart ones will eventually figure it out. Keep a good eye on them for the first few weeks and remember to squirt your spray bottle whenever they try and bite each other. (Put something smelly in Lurantis’s bottle, so it doesnt just think you’re kindly watering its leafs XD)
* If your Lurantis plants itself in the ground and starts looking less alive than usual, don’t worry. They hibernate every now and again to photosynthesize, usually in cold temperatures. And their fleshy appearance is really just an optical illusion of an ambulatory plant, so it doesnt really look right when they return to regular plant mode. Don’t worry that its apparantly sleeping with its eyes open, those are just berries! Very emotive berries! With eyelids!
* They also turn green during hibernation, so their shiny form is just a rare pigment issue where they can’t turn back. Technically any lurantis could ‘become’ a shiny after hibernating, but it’s very unlikely.
* A good way to circumvent the annual winter hibernation is just to keep your Lurantis indoors with a warm radiator and a sun lamp. Either way you won’t be using it on your party as much, but studies have shown that staying awake year-round may actually be more healthy for them.
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