#its so fucking tempting to just delete everything and not ever talk again. Im never gping to achieve anything becuase I was fucking dumb ass
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Lol
#////////////////////#////#///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#//////////////#i feel like a waste of space and a leech on resources.#Im so fucking dumb and stupid. I don't do anything right. I have no passion. No energy. I'm lazy as can be. Can't get a job. Can't hold a#job. Can't do anything steady to save my life. I'm fucking worthless. I feel so stupid. I can't maintain friendships. There's nothing in my#eyes when I look in the mirror. I'm already dead. I'm just letting myself rot at this point#I'm jealous. I'm stupid. I can't hold a fucking conversation to save me. Im not trying hard enough. everyone else had actusl real problems.#oh you're depressed in mommy and daddys house where you pay nothing at all? fuckong grow up you bitch. that's what you are. a fuckong dumbas#s bitch Elias. Fuckinh look at yourself#i should have just gone to college *** ****** ****** like god intended me too. I've know since 4th grade I don't know why I even bothered as#i got older. it'd do my friends a whole lot.#its so fucking tempting to just delete everything and not ever talk again. Im never gping to achieve anything becuase I was fucking dumb ass#kid who didn't apply himself. boo hoo you struggled in school everyone else did too. you're mot fucking special. you don't have anything#wrong with you. you just want attention. Get hit again bitch and maybe you'd grow a fucking spine. Look at yourself. Almost 21 and you're#nothing but a fucking cesspool of waste. You're disgusting. Nobody actually wants you and you know.#im so fucking tired of it all. I should have gone several states away and never came back. There's nothing for me here. There never was and#there's never going to be because nobody wants me. not any person not any job. not anything#its a chore to be around me and everyone always makes better friends and connections that aren't me because I can't be a fucking normal#person. * ***** **** **** ** *** *“” **** **** ** ******!#none lf my relationships last because people see through my bullshit and jump fucking ship because its the right thing to do. ***'** *******#**** ****** ******!! Why bother with me. *** ******* **** *** **** ****** i know it#elias.zip#even if i get a job I'll still be fucking miserable because thats all my life will ever be. miserable. it's never going to start to get#good. ever. I'm not meant for anything. not meant for this.
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Cant Handle This
Quackity's facade keeps breaking, and he tries to keep the pieces together. You're the only one who can make him show his true self
- Quackity x gen neutral reader
- this is a long one yall.
Now playing...
Can't Handle This (Kanye Rant)
Bo Burnham
0:01 ─●──────── 3:29
⚠︎ swearing, angst, mentions of mcyttwt, based on the song above, and ofc its not proofread
Part of my Inside Special!
Quackity sat in his chair currently streaming right now, he seemed like he was having a good time from your spot on his bed. You were currently laying on his bed after he invited you here to relax.
You two had laid in his bed just enjoying eachothers company until he got a call from Tommy saying he was ready for the lore stream which sent Alex into a frenzy. Alex sent out a quick "Im sorry" about the lateness of his stream and then quickly set everything up.
He then started to stream which left you alone on the the bed to your own devices. You were scrolling through Twitter looking at Alex's fans talk about what's happening on the stream and posting screenshots of his character and himself.
You admired him from afar as he ended the lore part of his stream, he took time to type on his phone to text you that he decided to stream longer to talk to his fans. He looked to you and you have him a nod with a smile and he gave one back.
"Hey guys! That's the end of the lore!" He exclaimed to his chat as he types at his computer setting a new background.
You continued to listen to him praise his chat for supporting him and making him be able to make those types of streams. You were always proud of Alex no matter what he did, you were always his number one supporter no matter what happened in reality or on the internet.
"So anyways! I wanted to talk to you guys! How are you all?" He smiled at his camera looking back and forth from his chat.
◇T0mm71nn1t: THE STREAM WAS SO GOOD QUACKITY
"Oh thank you! Im glad I could share this with you. It takes so much to put into these movite type streams, so I know now it is all worth it."
Quackity's pov. . .
He felt so overwhelmed, he shouldn't have began to stream again. The stress of putting everything together, plus being late to the stream made him rush into it more. He just wanted to lay back down with his lover who was enjoying watching him stream, and that's the goal he wants. His goal was to entertain, it was his job and he doesn't want to fail, he doesn't want to crack.
◇Mayatooni3: WE LOVE YOU QUACKITY
◇catiiequak: QUACKITY ITS MY BIRTHDAY CAN I GET A HAPPY BIRTHDAY??
◇yriaaolic: 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
"Happy Birthday!" He said seeing the comment pass in a second. "Happy Birthday to anyone who's Birthday it is today."
Right now it was hard. It was hard to keep up when there was always a constant demand, the constant need to be perfect, his past being brought up, and trying to one-up his content everytime. He loved this, but at the same time it had the same weight as a job.
In the back of his mind he knew the "When is Quackity streaming???" is mostly lighthearted, he never wants to leave.
"Quack are you okay? Im fine! Just thinking about how to get something to eat at 2am." He laughed lying to his fans, he wanted to stop this stream.
He kept looking over to his lover lying their head on his pillow scrolling through their phone and alternating their vision from him and their phone. He always caught a glimpse of their small smile everytime he looked. He was doing something right.
"Do yall think Taco Bell is open? The only problem I have is that Im fucking starving."
He paused for a moment taking a deep breath trying to keep his emotions down. The stress was getting to him, and he fucking knew it, but he didnt stop. He was going to get burnt out eventually and stop streaming and YouTube all together, but he needed this. He needed a break, he needed to take time for himself and stop putting on a happy face when he isnt.
TTS ◇pulixsaxe: "Did you see what was happening on Twitter quackity?"
"Wait what's happening on Twitter?" He asked with a weary laugh.
I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are
Pringle cans, and burritos
The truth is, my biggest problem's you,
Your eyes widened as he mentioned Twitter. Truth be told he was trending because of his stream, yes, but also they brung up stuff from his past again in the wake of another content creator's past or present being brought up. You hadn't paid attention to that, you were only getting fueled up from Twitter bringing up an issue that he already had addressed.
Tempted to speak and tell him its fine, he already spoke up before you.
"I bet it's fine! I dont wanna... I don't need to look." He said with a smile. He always had that smile on.
Either it was a full smile or a half smile. It never left his face and it comforted you somehow. Maybe it was that you were his significant other, but you always wondered if anyone saw the same things as you. The things like his smile that never left his face.
"Yeah! I dont need to look at that." He waved his hand dismissing the comment away. He then sighed letting his shoulders relax as you saw his smile fade and his eyes close for a second and immediately put that small smile back on his face while his eyes were glossy, but bright.
He needed to end this stream soon. You saw his face fall then in a split second come back to life except his eyes were glossy with tears. You wondered if anyone else noticed.
"I want to please you
But I want to stay true to myself
I want to give you the night out that you deserve"
His eyes tearful as he tried to blink them away trying to not make a scene.
"Sorry! Allergies ugh!" He said as he wiped his tears away claiming them as allergies.
"Are you crying? No! Im not a pussy!" He yelled at his chat in a joking manner.
He was crying and he felt weak. He felt emotionally weak, and weak as in not strong, he didn't feel strong and his lover who was sitting on his bed with a concerned look on their face always told him that it's okay to feel weak. The only meaningful thing is how you pick yourself up, they always told him, bur now he felt at rock bottom.
He wanted to give his fans "himself", the goofy, lovable, loud, quick-witted, Quackity. But then again his lover always told him to separate Quackity from Alex. He wanted to give himself to his audience, he wanted to be authentic and share himself, but he cant. Alex isn't all laughs, he is serious, calmer, and when he gets on the screen is when he lets it all out then goes back to his more calmer self. That's not what they want.
"But I want to say what I think
And not care what you think about it"
Giving himself meant dialing back, he wants to tell how hes actually feeling, he wants to say what he thinks about Twitter, what he thinks about certain friends, about his fanbase, and then leave it alone. He wanted to delete social media and then speak his mind without knowing what anyone is saying about it. It was paradise to him, but of course it cant be that way and that's what he hates. He feels like a actor when he really wants to be himself.
"A part of me loves you,"
Alex loved his fanbase, he had such a supportive fanbase that loved his content. Some of them did atleast he didn't fully know, but they gave him the courage to do this time and time again knowing that his content is at least taking them from the harsh reality of real life for a few minutes or hours. This was the reason he did this, for them.
Alex would never admit this but they boosted his ego too, it would for anyone. The fact that there were people who wanted and enjoyed content from him made him feel good about himself.
"part of me hates you"
He hated the contant criticisms, he hates that they feed his ego so much that it makes him want to stream more to feel good about himself and to make people get away for awhile. Alex knew inside of his heart he couldn't truly hate his fanbase, they gave him everything he ever wanted. He hates them for that and that's such a scary thing. He never fails to wonder if he did the things to deserve all the love and hate he gets.
"Part of me needs you,"
They feed his ego, they make him want to go above and beyond. Alex knows that his fanbase is the reason he is here in this chair infront of three expensive monitors. He knows that this is some sort of a job that he needed. He needed the push to keep going and that was them, it was the 200k people watching his stream watching him answer questions about him and
"part of me fears you"
He was fearful of loosing himself to them. Loosing his authenticity to them was something he feared. He didnt want his funny, loud persona to consume him and make him forget about Alex instead of Quackity. He fears what they think as well, he claims he doesnt care, but he does he wants to please them. It feels like two parts of his brain fighting about if he should care or not.
"And I don't think that I can handle this right now"
The text-to-speech bot continued to speak out people's comments that theu paid for while he sat there quietly. He bit his bottom lip trying to not break down infront of everyone he needed to be strong. He needed to be strong.
If he looked up at the camera everyone would see his tears, they would see him breaking.
He played it off as he brough his shirt up to wipe the tears away, claiming it as sweat.
"Im good! Im sorry I spaced out for a second." He shook his head.
He saw you look at him with that same concerned look on your face. As he switched his gaze between you and his computer, he felt his tears come back again.
"I don't think that I can handle this right-"
"Alex." You tried to get his attention.
"Yeah guys Im fine!"
"Alex"
"I don't think that I can handle this right-"
"I have plans later for another lore stream, so Ill start doing that later tonight."
"ALEX!" You yelled and his head turned around to face you.
"What?" He laughed, biting his lip again.
You couldn't stop him doing this, you could try to course him into going to bed, but right now you couldn't find the words. You just stared at him while he looked at you with a somber smile trying to tell you that he was okay.
He felt his mind telling himself that he need to rest. He wouldnt allow himself to and thats why he was breaking down.
"I don't think that I can handle this right-"
Alex was blinking rapidly trying to keep his breathing and tears at bay while he answered his fans.
"My allergies are fine! And I drank water today."
◇moonchild21: WE LOVE YOU
◇sopusand: Why do you look like that?
◇wuackityoo: are you crying??
"Crying is for the weak! I am a strong manly man! Im crying cause I noticed how alpha I am!" He tried to play it off as a "Im a man" joke but you could see right through it.
"I don't think that I can handle this right-"
"I don't think that I can handle this right-"
You had sent a quick text to Alex which told him to end the stream for his own mental health, but he left the message unread. He began sniffing and the wiping his eyes again. It was a wreck and you couldn't seem to stop it without literally dragging him out of his chair.
Meanwhile the screens were getting to Alex. Alex's eyes were getting tired of the bright screens and the rapid messages that popped up on the screen overwhelmed him for what it seemed like the first time ever in his strraming career. He wanted to give them the fun night they deserved and wanted, but he knows it's getting hard to. He dosent know how long he can keep this up.
As Alex kept joking around about his eyes and physical state the chat was filled with "LMAO" and "HAHAHA" which fuled him more and then at the same time makes him want to stop.
Look at them, they're just staring at me, like
"Come and watch the skinny kid with a
Steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts
To give you what he cannot give himself"
He cannot give himself the luxury of happiness. As he went on with his career it became more and more like a chore, there was mostly down days and of course there were up days, but recently Alex gave his fans the happiness and laughes they wanted while when he turned off the camera he couldn't replicate that same energy as he had before.
It messed him up, he felt himself become separated from his streaming. He wasn't being himself anymore he was being Quackity and that became more apparent as the days passed. He wanted to be himself on camera and at first thats what he thought he was doing. He was himself then it turned into a persona.
Alex wasn't okay and he he needed to take a break from the internet for a while, but he tries to act like he dosent have a dilemma going on inside of his head everytime he sits in this seat. Its for the fans.
"Think that I can handle this right-
I don't think that I can handle this right-
They don't even know the half of this right-
They don't even know the half of it"
"Alex you need to end the stream. Please?"
He looked towards you again where you moved your position from the middle of the bed to sitting up on the end of the bed.
"Ive told you millions of times." He paused for a moment looking down at his lap before looking back up to you. "Im-Im okay." He nodded trying to convince you.
"But I know I'm not a doctor, I'm a pussy, I put on a silly show
I should probably just shut up and do my job, so here I go"
"Cant you belive them!" He laughed to his camera. You scoffed at his comment but still kept an eye on him as he talked.
You didnt need to baby him at all, but right now you were worried about your lover.
Alex continued talking and talking, which you drowned out. You were focused on his face and how he faltered time to time just showing a small frown.
He laughed and showed them a good time even though he was hurting. He kept going and going and you were convinced he was going to hold out until you heard him sniff multiple times while trying to make a joke about the new Minecraft update and how the glow squid has no use.
"Stupid ass squid! Why- why? Its no use expect for glowing ink. Who voted for that!?"
You can tell them anything if you just make it funny, make it rhyme
And if they still don't understand you, then you run it one more time
"Dumbass squid!" He pulled up a picture if the squid as he yelled at it.
You began to worry even more as you saw tears running down his face. He quickly tried to wipe them away, but he knew everyone saw.
Handle this right
You don't even know the half of this right now
Right now (Haa!)
Now
Handle this right
I'll handle this right, I handle this right now
Alex leaned back in his seat and had a blank stare towards the monitor. Looked down for a second and then you heard sobbing coming from his spot. Alex had his head in his hands and was crying harshly into them.
He had finally broken, he couldn't stop the tears from coming and the loud sobs that came from his mouth. He was trying to desperately breathe in to be able to sob, but ended up hiccuping while doing so.
Your eyes widened as you rushed to him resting your hand on his knees and you kneeling infront of him.
"I cant do fu-fucking anything!" He yelled into his hands.
"Hey! I know. Its okay." You tried to console him.
"Its not I try so hard! And I-"
You cut him off. "You are a hard worker Alex and you deserve a week or two off. Take care of you self babe." You stood up bringing his hand with you and trying to make him stand up. He followed your movements and stood up with you putting his head on your shoulder crying into it.
"I just ca-cant right now!"
"You dont have to do anything right now babe."
"Im sorry!" Alex sobbed.
"Dont be." You said bluntly trying to get your lover to calm down.
You rubbed his back soothingly as he sniffled into your shoulder. "Im sorry for ruining your shirt." He tried to laugh through his tears.
"Dont be sorry! Please. You just need rest okay?" You kissed his forehead and he nodded in response.
Alex raised his head up an started to pepper kisses all over your face as you laughed. He gave you one last peck on the lips as he walked away to quickly change into night clothes. You smiled as he laid underneath the covers and continued to softly cry into his sheets. At least he was in bed and not makijg himself even worse.
He couldn't stop the tears from flowing, it was like a flood that could only be stopped with time. He felt like a boulder was lifted off his shoulders only to be replaced with smaller rocks. The smaller rocks was the guilt he held. He felt guilty of making his lover worry about him, he didnt want you to worry.
You rushed over to his desk and turned off the stream and his computers not even bothering to give them a goodnight or goodbye. After the computer lights were turned off it was quite dark in the room except for small light.
Finally you were where you wanted to be all day, in bed with Alex. But this wasnt the predicament you wanted.
"Forgive me. I just cant do shit right can I?" His eyes were still full of tears and he was getting tired.
"Alex dont listen to anyone but yourself." You tried to console him.
"That's what I'm telling myself."
Silence filled the room as you looked at him through tearful eyes of your own.
"Alex, you're so amazing and I cant even tell you how much I appreciate you, and how much you change my life. You do so much shit right its scary sometimes. Some days I think you're perfect, but there's-"
"There's no such thing as perfect." Alex finished your sentence.
"Exactly! Even the best people have their downfalls, they just dont show it. And Alex I know you struggle with that! All I can say is that I love you for you." You finished.
"Can I talk to you about my dilemmas?" He tried to laugh again.
"Tomorrow we can talk. We both need the rest." You said to him as he closed his eyes and nodded in response. He gave you a kiss on you lips before laying back down to sleep.
"Thank you."
"Thank you
Good night
I hope you're happy"
TRENDING
ARE YOU OKAY
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#SoundCloud#mcyt blurb#mcyt angst#mcyt fluff#mcyt x reader#mcyt headcanons#technowoah!#dream smp x reader#quackity x reader#quackity headcannons#quackityhq x reader#quackity x y/n#quackity x you#mcyt x y/n#mcyt fanfiction#mcyt imagine#quackity imagines#quackity fanfic#alex quackity#dsmp x reader#dsmp headcanon#quackity angst#quackity fluff#mcyt x you#mcyt imagines#inside special!
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three lessons - mat barzal
a/n: new series idea I just had, spoiler there is filth and the next parts will be as well also im not the best at writing smut so you’ll have to bear with me here. anyway! let me know what you think! comments/thoughts are always appreciated! also, I know it briefly mentions being the younger sister of a teammate, but I know nothing about the isles so its literally just for plot purposes don’t expect much from that and this isn’t proofread sorry
word count: 4.2k
summary: you’re tired of being a virgin, so you hit up Mat to help you with your problem and strike a deal
warnings (18+): loss of virginity, smut
PART TWO
-
This was by far the worst idea you’ve ever had.
In your twenty-one years of life, you’ve never had a worse idea. Your initial plan was crazy in and of itself, but adding Mat to the mix? It’s like you were asking to get your ass kicked.
The original thought came to you a year ago when you were sitting on the couch of your friend’s apartment, four glasses of wine into the night. She was complaining about her latest hookup, raging over the fact that he didn’t know where the clit was.
This is how it usually went between you two.
She was the one who got all the guys, the one who could pick up anyone from the bar and spend the night in a stranger’s bed without a second thought. You, however, were the wingwoman, the person who was left behind when your friend eventually decided to leave with a man.
It didn’t bother you that much. It’s not like you felt like you needed a boyfriend, you were secure in almost all aspects of your life, but the nagging thought in the back of your mind kept saying that you needed to get fucked. And soon.
Maybe it was the alcohol coursing through your bloodstream or the fact that you hadn’t masturbated in nearly two weeks, but you rolled your eyes at your friend before you finally snapped.
“At least you’ve had someone to fuck the past few months! Be grateful you’re not me and still a virgin at twenty!” You shouted, fed up with hearing stories about how your friend’s sex life was so terrible. At least she had a sex life to begin with.
“Oh my god. I’m so sorry,” you apologized quickly, bringing your hand to cover your mouth in shock, “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry, it’s just… it’s hard listening to you talk about this when I can’t contribute to the conversation.”
“No, you’re right. I’m sorry for always talking about it,” your friend said, eyes softening when she heard how regretful you sounded, “How about we change the subject?”
She didn’t wait for your response before launching into a monologue about how classes were going and her upcoming finals. You tried listening to her, but your mind was still stuck on the previous topic. Of course it was unfortunate that you happened to be twenty and with no sexual experience, but it didn’t bother you before like it was bothering you right now.
Ideas began racing through your head of how you could rectify this, and that’s when the seed was planted.
Now, almost a year later, your carefully thought out plan was almost complete; though, ‘carefully’ could be more loosely translated to ‘reckless.’
You paced outside of Mat’s door, walking back and forth as you fiddled with your hands, working up the courage to knock. This was such a bad idea. You brought your hand up to the door, pausing before your fist made contact before bringing it back down and resuming your pacing.
After another five minutes of deep contemplation, you made your decision. You knocked on the door before you could second guess yourself, now bringing your hands to tug at the strands of your hair.
The few seconds it took for Mat to answer the door felt like a lifetime, and when he opened the door, you were met with a confused look.
“Y/N? What are you doing here?” He asked, peeking his head out of the door to glance down the hallway.
“Hi, I know you weren’t expecting me and you have to leave for practice soon, but I needed to talk to you about something,” you explained quickly.
Mat’s brows stayed furrowed in confusion, but he opened the door further to let you inside.
“Firstly, I just wanted to say that Anders doesn’t know I’m here, and I’d really appreciate it if you never mentioned it to him,” you said as he closed the door behind you.
Mat ushered you into his living room, gesturing for you to take a seat on the couch as he crossed his arms and waited for you to continue.
“This is going to sound absolutely crazy and you’re probably going to reject me but just hear me out,” you said, taking a deep sigh. He was totally going to shut you down, but there was no turning back now.
“I wanted to ask you if you’d have sex with me. You’d be doing me a favor as my friend. I’m kind of… a virgin… and I really don’t want to be anymore,” you took a breath to watch his reaction which was unreadable, “You’re probably thinking it’s a terrible idea, being that I’m Anders’s sister and everything, but I promise I won’t say anything to him. I just want to get a little experience under my belt… it’s kind of embarrassing. Anyway, I just wanted to ask if you’d give me a few lessons or something.”
You raised your eyes to meet Mat’s as you finished your rant, worrying about what he was going to say. A long silence fell between you two as he processed what you said.
“Uh… I don’t really know what to say,” he started awkwardly, bringing his hand to rub at the back of his neck, “I’m honored, I guess? That you asked me to help, but I’m just a little confused since we don’t really know each other.”
Okay, you could give him that. It was true that you weren’t the closest of friends, but you’d met on a handful occasions. It’s not like you were complete strangers, but other than knowing what you were studying in school and that you were Anders’s much younger sister, he didn’t know much about you.
“That’s fair,” you said, “I asked you because, well, you’re obviously hot which I’m sure you know. Also, not knowing each other is what makes this perfect. I’m not attached to you in any way and vice versa. Honestly? You’re one of the few guys in town that I feel comfortable around, so it was either ask you or find a random Tinder hookup and have to do this speech all over again but ten times as awkward.”
Mat didn’t like the last part of that explanation: the whole ‘random Tinder hookup to take your virginity’ part. He may not have known you that well, but he knew you were a nice girl and deserved to be more than just a notch on the bedpost of someone who didn’t care about you.
“I know you’re probably thinking I’m insane, and I get it. I felt a little insane when I thought about this too. But I really feel like you’re the best option. I understand if you think it’s too weird, though,” you said when he hadn’t replied. Your eyes watched him as he sat still as a rock across from you.
“I… I have to leave for practice soon,” was the only thing he responded with.
You felt your heart drop at his statement. Of course he was going to say no, you were an idiot for even trying.
“Yeah, totally, I’ll get going,” you said quickly, gathering your stuff and making your way to the entrance.
When you reached the door, you turned back one last time to see him still in the same position.
“Can you not tell Anders, please? I know this was a crazy, stupid idea but… just don’t tell him, okay? He doesn’t need to know about my sex… well, lack of sex life,” you added before shutting the door behind you.
-
Mat had lost his mind.
Truly and honestly, he had lost his mind if he was even considering your proposition. Which he was. He was really considering your proposition, and he wanted to punch himself for it.
He couldn’t possibly agree to this, could he? You were the captain’s younger sister. Sure, you two weren’t the closest of siblings, but the code still applied. And the code clearly said he was not allowed to fraternize with relatives of his teammates in any way. He hadn’t broken this rule yet, and he couldn’t believe he was even thinking about breaking it now.
Inside his head, he weighed the pros and the cons of sleeping with you. Well, teaching you would be a better phrase. If Mat was being honest, he had blacked out after the terms ‘virgin’ and ‘have sex with me’ fell from your lips. He watched you from his spot on the couch, his eyes following your mouth but not processing the words you were saying. Truthfully, he ran over the conversation a million times in his head and he wasn’t sure he was actually processing them now.
You wanted him to take your virginity. You wanted him to give you experience. You called them lessons.
You were, quite literally, asking him to be your sex tutor.
When you left the apartment, he did what he did best. He compartmentalized. Instead of thinking about the awkward conversation he just had with you, he pushed all thoughts of you from his mind and went to practice. For a whole three hours he focused on hockey. He even had the courage to look at his captain despite the weird interaction he’d just had with his sister.
But then practice was over, and Mat was left with nothing to do but think about what you said. Thinking turned into contemplating, and contemplating eventually turned into pulling up your Instagram page.
Mat typed and retyped the message a million times, deleting it before he could accidentally pressed send. He went back and forth between wanting to say yes and throwing his phone as far away from him so he wouldn’t be tempted.
What could be the worst thing that happened? He thought.
A million bad things could happen. He knew this deep in his heart that it was, for all intents and purposes, the worst idea ever to teach his captain’s sister how to have sex, but his head and desire to get laid had other plans.
So, he picked up his phone one last time and composed the same message he’d written a hundred times.
to @yourusername: does your offer still stand? text me 212-203-3849
-
For the second time in a week, you were pacing outside of Mat’s apartment. You’d received his message almost six days ago, and now here you were.
Your chest nearly collapsed with relief when you’d seen he wanted to take you up on your offer. And then your stomach filled with butterflies, nerves wracking your body as you now had an official plan to lose your virginity.
You eagerly liked the message, dialing his number in your phone so you could hash out the details over text. He promised you two would go over some ground rules in person, saying it felt too weird to have a written contract or something over text. You agreed to his plans and set a date to go over to his apartment that following weekend.
Feeling more courageous than you did a week ago, you knocked on the door with confidence this time. If you were going to lose your virginity tonight, you weren’t going to look like a frightened kitten when you did.
Mat greeted you with a warm smile this time, his eyes lighting up when he saw you. Same as last time, he ushered you into his apartment and directed you towards his couch.
“Do you want anything to drink? I was about to open a bottle of wine,” Mat asked, already moving to the kitchen.
“Yeah, wine would be great. Thanks,” you replied, taking a seat on the edge of the couch.
Mat tinkered around in the kitchen for a couple minutes before he joined you, handing you a glass of red. You took a long sip as he settled down, hoping the wine would work fast to calm your nerves.
“So, what did you want to discuss first?” He asked after a moment.
“Well, we should probably have some ground rules. I was thinking that since you’re the expert and all, you should decide how these lessons go. Oh, and I think that we should keep this to a three-time thing. Anything more than that will probably get more complicated,” you answered with ease. Not to say you had spent the past week thinking about what you were going to say, but you definitely did.
Mat nodded in agreement at your suggestions before adding his own.
“Yeah, that sounds good. Also, we can’t tell anyone about this because, you know, your brother and the team and all,” he said. You hummed in response, that much was a given. No one could know about this.
“So, where do we start? Should I take off my clothes or?” You asked.
“No,” he said with a chuckle, “We’re going to watch a movie.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it. For now at least.”
You hadn’t known what you were expecting, but it was not a cuddle session on his couch. You imagined that maybe he would’ve just ripped your clothes off the minute you walked in to get down to business, but he was being way more casual than you were feeling. Which was probably a good thing because your heart was beating a thousand beats a minute, so at least one of you had this situation under control.
Mat had told you to dress comfortably as he didn’t plan on leaving the apartment, and he was dressed in a similar fashion as you: gray sweatpants with a dark blue t-shirt. You had thrown on a pair of leggings and a shirt from your college before leaving, making sure to wear at least a nice bralette and pair of panties underneath.
He drank down the rest of his wine before adjusting himself on the couch, moving into a position where he was laying down. Grabbing the blanket folded on the back cushion, he spread it out over his body before patting the spot in front of him. Normally, you would’ve been intimidated by a bold move like this, but the wide smile on his face indicated that he was perfectly comfortable right now, and his ease surrounded you in waves.
Slamming back the rest of your wine, you lay down in front of him, tucking your body against his while his arms pulled your chest closer.
“Anything specific you want to watch?” He asked, using his free hand to grab the remote. You muttered a quiet ‘no,’ allowing him to go ahead and choose. Mat scrolled through the Netflix options before settling on a new action movie.
“So, how much experience do you have exactly?” Mat asked once the introduction credits had finished. It was a good thing he wasn’t looking at you because your face heated up in embarrassment.
“I’ve only ever got as far as making out,” you muttered.
“No one’s ever touched you then?” He prodded.
“No,” you replied, your cheeks on fire. You couldn’t see him, but Mat nodded in response against the back of your head, letting out a quiet ‘okay.’
It wasn’t the first time Mat had been with a virgin, but that hadn’t been since high school and when he also wasn’t that experienced himself. Mat decided to let the movie play for a little bit longer before making his first move.
That time came when there was a particularly slow scene on. Slowly, he lifted up the hem of your t-shirt and slid his hand underneath, tracing small circles on the skin of your stomach. You clenched your thighs together as a warm feeling started to spread throughout your body.
It was happening.
Mat kept his hands there for a few minutes, inching up so slowly you almost couldn’t tell he’d moved at all. When the initial shock of his touch settled, you tried to refocus your attention to the movie.
Another ten minutes passed before Mat made his next move. Almost imperceptibly, he used his elbow to push his torso up before he brushed the hair covering your neck to the side. You felt his fingertips brush your ear, a shiver running up your spine. He brought his lips to your neck a split second later, placing a soft kiss against it.
Your eyes briefly shut for a second, reveling in the fact that Mat’s lips were on your neck. He kissed around your jaw a couple times before the hand on his stomach was shifting you to rest on your back. Your body followed his lead and your eyes met his hazel ones before he was leaning in to kiss your lips.
A heat unfurled in your body the second your lips connected and you eagerly moved yours against his. One of Mat’s hands had moved to the back of your neck to tilt your head at a better angle, the other hand moving further up under your shirt to rest just below your bra clasp. Your body involuntarily arched up into his hands as his tongue slipped out to part your lips. You opened your mouth and his tongue entered immediately, tangling with yours. You and Mat lay on the couch for a good while, making out heavily before you eventually had to break it for air.
“At least you don’t have to worry about kissing. You’re a natural,” Mat commended with an airy chuckle, and you couldn’t help but laugh at his compliment.
Mat’s smile brightened at your laugh before he leaned back in, the heat building in your body at double speed. You knew you were attracted to him, but you didn’t think he would be able to wind you up this fast. Or maybe it was just because you’ve never had a man touch you like this before.
Breaking the kiss, Mat began to trail more kisses down your body, pausing near your collarbone when he heard a particular breathy gasp leave your mouth. Mat continued his path over your shirt until he reached your belly button.
“Can I take this off?” He asked, looking up at you.
“You can take mine off if you take yours off,” you replied with a seductive smirk. Mat pulled back from your body, matching your smirk with one of his own as he tore off his shirt. Less than a second later, he was tugging at the hem of yours, urging you to sit up so he could take it off.
Mat’s hands were back on your body right after he tossed your shirt on the floor. This time, he retraced his path down your torso with his mouth and tongue, leaving no patch of skin untouched. His fingers danced around the edge of your leggings, teasing you until you were lifting up your hips into his face.
“Please take them off, Mat,” you said through gasps, wanting nothing more than to be rid of your clothing. He chuckled lightly against your waistband, his nose tickling your abdomen before he began shimmying off your leggings.
Tilting your hips up, you helped him slide the pants down your legs along with your underwear. Though your cheeks flamed up at the thought of being exposed before Mat, you felt oddly calm (well, as calm as you can be given the circumstances) with him.
“Holy shit, baby. You’re soaked,” Mat noted with a deep groan. He shuffled his body further down the couch into a comfortable position, lifting one leg to hook over his shoulder.
You breathed in shaky breaths as Mat placed gentle kisses on your thighs, working upwards slowly until he reached your core. And when he used his tongue to lick a strip across your pussy, your back arched into the air as you let out a loud moan.
“You gotta stay still, Y/N,” Mat chuckled darkly, wrapping one hand to steady your middle.
“Sorry, never done this before,” you replied in gasps.
Now immobilized, Mat resumed his place between your legs, repeating the same series of licks before he closed his lips around your clit. He flicked his tongue across the sensitive area. God, you would have done this a long time ago if you knew it would feel this good. You weren’t sure if it was too early to feel the heat inside you build up this quickly or if Mat was just too good at this. You hoped it was the latter.
His tongue lapped at your folds, and your hands flew down to grasp his hair in need. You didn’t think you could moan any louder, but then he brought his thumb to your clit to rub in tight circles as his tongue teased your entrance.
“Holy fuck,” you whined out, canting your hips up as much as you could. You could feel his smirk against your pussy at your exclamation, bringing his hand down to slowly enter a finger into you.
You let out a surprised gasp as you felt the first finger penetrate you. Mat kept his attention on your clit, lips sucking harshly at it. You let yourself get lost in the pleasure, focusing on how good he was making you feel.
After a few thrusts of one finger, giving you plenty of time to adjust, he added a second, feeling your walls tighten around them. He moved both fingers in and out of you, alternating the pressure between your entrance and clit. Just when he hit the right spot inside you, your hand tugged on his hair tightly, and he took the hint to curl his fingers against that spot.
“I’m so close, Mat,” you moaned, tossing your head back into the pillow.
“What do you need, baby?” He asked, pulling back for a quick breath. You glanced down to meet his gaze, taking in the way his chin glistened from your pussy. The view made you moan lowly, and his eyes darkened at the sound.
“Your tongue, please,” you begged quietly.
Mat heard the words leave your mouth and nestled his face back between your legs, tongue sliding up your slit in response. In rhythm with stroking your g-spot, he sucked at your clit, and it was mere seconds before your body coiled tightly inside. He kept the same pace and before long, you felt yourself crest the peak and then fall.
Mat removed his fingers slowly from your entrance, his tongue licking softly at your folds until he felt your breathing return to normal. It took you a few seconds to regain your sense of self, stars still whirling in the corners of your vision. When you finally felt yourself grounded on Earth again, you opened your eyes to see a self-satisfied smirk on Mat’s face.
“You’re so hot when you come,” he said when you met his gaze, and had you not been riding high on cloud nine when he said this, you might have blushed in embarrassment. But you weren’t embarrassed right now. The only thing you felt was giddy. Giddy because you were one step closer to your end goal.
And while you were blissed out, you dropped your gaze to notice the extremely visible bulge tenting in his sweatpants. Focused on a new task, you sat up quickly before leaning over Mat’s body so you could return the favor. Your lips crashed against his in a frenzy, your hands clumsily reaching down to grasp his length. However, you only got to feel it for a second before Mat’s hand was tugging it away.
“Not tonight, babe. Tonight was about you,” Mat said with a strained voice, breaking the kiss to look at you.
“What do you mean? We’re not having sex tonight?” You asked in confusion, your head still a little hazy from the orgasm.
“No, we’re not,” he laughed, noticing the wantonness in your voice, “You said I’m in charge, right? This was already a lot for one night, so we’ll put off the sex until next time.”
You nodded your head, though you weren’t really understanding. It made sense. Tonight was a very big step for you, and he didn’t want to give you too much at once. But despite that, your pussy was begging for a repeat performance and you were so far gone you were willing to do just about anything Mat would say.
“What about you, though?” You asked, glancing down to the noticeable tent.
“I’ll be fine, I promise. We still have two more lessons. There’s plenty of time for that later,” he replied, though the bulge between you seemed to say otherwise.
“Promise you’re okay?” You insisted.
“I swear, Y/N,” he said with a chuckle.
A comfortable silence fell between you after that, and you couldn’t help the wide smile that spread across your face. Your eyes sparkled with renewed purpose, and you felt satisfied for the first time in a long time. A smile of Mat’s own slowly appeared on his face as he watched you light up before him. Before you could stop yourself, you threw yourself into him, wrapping your arms tightly around his neck.
“Thank you, Mat. Thank you, thank you, thank you,” You said happily, punctuating each ‘thank you’ with a loud smacking kiss on his cheek.
When you pulled back to give him that award-winning smile again, Mat had one thought.
He was totally fucked.
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Nobody is going to see this. Had a dream. I cannot tell anyone about it so ... I'm going to write about it here.
We were returning from somewhere we had partied. I was on my own. I had friends T&T but they were obviously very invested in themselves. B was there with A and a lot of others. He was drunk. He couldn't even walk straight.
(A little backstory. He had been crushing on y/n for the longest time, y/n liked him too to a but there were a lot of issues that stopped her from dating him. He is a nice guy. Sweet , the type who wears glasses. )
(Y/n is in a relationship with D. He's perfect. The kind your parents will approve. Doesn't drink or smoke. Is polite, really really good at academics. Gives everything he has to protect y/n and keep her happy. Tries really hard to keep her entertained. Y/n likes him too. How can she not? They've been dating for 2 years now. Y/n slipped once with B. She was heavily intoxicated then and the mood in the sleeper bus triggered her feelings for B and nothing else mattered. Although this happened when y/n and D were 3 months into their relationship.)
Her eyes met B's eyes. She couldn't even look at him. She felt guilty, like she wronged him as well as D. She knew if something were to be initiated by B, she'll probably give in.
(She had this whole strong exterior she showed people but really that was just a front for how weak she was when tempted.)
B's arm lightly brushed against y/n's thigh while moving towards the back end of the bus. She felt a strange feeling but decided not to acknowledge it. T1 saw how flushed y/n's face was. (He had taken a lot of efforts in the past 3 years to get B and y/n to date. He was the fiercest shipper y/n and B ever had. But B was too polite to use T1's extravagant ways to ask y/n out. He didn't want to put y/n in a position where she'd look bad for not accepting his "proposal". You see why y/n would be attracted to him.)
T1 had already put a scheme in motion to get y/n and B to interact with each other. T1 was a natural leader so it wasn't hard for him to implement his play. He curated pairs to exit the bus for a smoother transfer from one bus to the other. At this point y/n had downed 360ml of vodka. She had lost her inhibitions and was enjoying her ride with nothing but music and the scenic view on her mind.
She was informed about this decision and had no other option but to abide by it. Some part of her was thrilled to have to interact with B. But some part of her knew it was wrong on so many levels. B made his way to the front of the Bus and sat on the platform opposite to y/ns seat. He was drunk out of his mind, so was she. He took her hands in his and just looked at her for a while. It didn't take long for him to jump from that stare of admiration to a hug filled with warmth. Y/n hesitated at first but gave in once he stretched his arms out to slightly pull her off the seat and get a hold of her waist to pull her in closer to his body. He rested his head on her chest. Her heart was beating faster than usual for a while but stabilized once she was comfortable in his embrace. She felt loved. She felt like she could melt in his arms and it wouldn't be an issue.
T1 had a satisfied grin on his face.
B kissed y/n on her cheek. He held her like there was no tomorrow. He didn't know when he'll get to hold her like this again. He knew she belonged to someone else. Someone he has already wronged before. But she just meant so much to him. It was hard to let go. He had never felt this way about anyone.
---skip---
They alighted the bus. D was waiting to meet y/n. His y/n. His face instantly dropped when he saw who was not very far behind her. B. B and D disliked each other for obvious reasons but they were adults and knew it would be inappropriate to greet each other. They shook hands and greeted eachother and with that B left the scene. D was disappointed. Very disappointed and hurt. He had recieved a couple photos anonymously which he didn't open. He did now. In front of y/n. He saw them. Hugging eachother. B kissing y/n on the cheek. Y/n not protesting. Now although this wasn't cheating, he still knew how they felt about each other. He simply left. Y/n cried and begged for him to stop and to let her explain her self. He didn't budge. He just said, " I forgave you th first timw but this... its just not fair to me. I don't like how it feels".
With that he made his way into the elevator. Y/n was sobbing. She knew she fucked up. Big time. But she didn't know how could she make it better. So she decided to go to her room and just forget about it. She made her way to the elevator to the fourth floor and in her room. She locked the door and made her way to the bathroom sitting in the shower contemplating what she should do. D was the one and B isn't a back up option. She decided she was too much of a coward to face this situation, so she left. She moved out and shifted to another city ? (I'm not sure what happened in this part. I don't really remember.) She deleted her social media, changed her no. All that. It wasn't difficult for her to make new friends.
(this was a dream I had, so this next part doesn't make sense at all. Im not sure why did I dream of this)
She found herself living in a castle? The castle was huge with decor from all her favourite places from different eras , right from the Egyptian pyramids to the interior of palace of Versailles. She found herself in a maids costume(???) She enjoyed this place thoroughly but had to serve the king in order to survive. The king was an ugly lazy fellow who treated her like shit. But she was ok with it because when she wasn't serving the king she was dreaming of what her life would've been like as a Pharoah or Marie Antoinettes friend.
She tried to seduce her way into the kings heart to get more benefits but instead only got abused physically. He was clearly not impressed with her sexual prowess.
Moral : She learnt she is probably never gonna get what she wanted in life, so she has to be satisfied with what she has.
Ps: if anyone could please explain what this entire dream means , it would be great. I'm very confused. And I really cannot talk to anyone about it.
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BETTER LATE THAN NEVER 6.07
AHHH OMG, I was out all day & Actually MISSED the NEW episode like wtfff?!!? it was TOrture!! & I literally had to delete twitter and Tumblr off my phone because the devil himself would’ve tempted me lmfao😭 I love spoilers but not when everyone has seen the episode but me! it’s okay though I had some rum chata to distract me lol, which is just rum and horchata which is the Hispanic version of Horlicks so, At least I was in the CtM Spirit 🙃
Anyway I’m finally getting to watch it so here we go ..
shit I’m so nervous and I haven’t pressed play
why is my heart beating so fast omg
i usually skip the intro but I’m legit not ready
PHYLLIS !! 💕
damn Vanessa already hinting at what’s to come
Baby Susan so precious omg!!
No lie one of the prettiest babies I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen lots of ugly babies and lots of cute babies, I’m qualified to judge.
“Courage and resilience will matter most of all” 😭😭ahh omg
My spirit animal and campion Phyllis deserves nothing but the best I’m not ready to see her hurt
SHELAGH GETTING EXAMINED 😭😭💕💕 MY HEART IS BURSTING & her belly is so big omg!
CRYING SHE STILL CANT BELIEVE ITS HAPPENING ME EITHER BBY 😭 like holy shit I’m still not over it.
But I’m going to binge series 6 with my mother when I’m home Saturday and can’t wait for her to watch because she wanted to see shelagh have a baby & also she doesn’t know what tf has happened 😭😭😂 it’s been a crazy series! She will be s h o o k
“I know I’m just not a very relaxed sort of person” SAME but BBY RELAX 😭💕
LOL I WOULDNT HAVE READ IT EITHER
That was a cute moment with Babs and Shelagh!! But still wish it was w/ Trixie though 🙁 also it didn’t seem like a “heart to heart”? was it supposed to or was I expecting too much
Aw Rhoda 💔
what a ignorant ass teacher though, I’ll FIGHT HER REAL QUICK
BOY OR GIRL??? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW UGH WHAT IS BABY TURNER??!
ugh Shelagh and Patrick’s faces 😫 I hope they don’t feel guilty for having a baby
But also why does shelagh have to keep wearing the same things lol, I feel cheated of all the cute maternity looks she could’ve served instead
“Having to explain” poor Mrs Antoine UGH THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, THERE’S NOTHING TO BE EXPLAINED I’m mixed, Hispanic and white not black and white but still my dad is tan & we’ve been places where people have given my parents the dirtiest looks and have heard a nasty comment or two & it BOILS MY BLOOD
Omg the Antoine boys are precious
TRIXIE 😍😍 my bby looks good!
PHYLLIS IN TROUSERS HELL YES
UM VALARIE CAN U NOT BE RACIST
I swear if she says anything more I’ll lose my shit
“No one can really choose who they fall in love with” BLESS U DEELS
Bless Phyllis for making sure those cubs don’t grow up to be as ignorant as their parents
“I surmise the puller of teeth is intended to admire it” SISTER MJ IS A GEM
LOL SISTER J WANTS HIM TO COME THROUGH
SISTER WINIFRED WITH ANOTHER PRICELESS FACE IM DEAD
A bassoon? Lmaoo what the actual fuck Tim
Oh it’s for girls ofc LOL give him a girlfriend already, I’d get such a kick out of it. & Patrick could make another dad joke and say like take a lesson from me I legit beat God over a woman’s heart
The Mullucks fam 😭
Patrick with Susan omg aww
Trixie looking like a b a b e I’m dead 😍
“You’ll look like you’re trying to hard” DELIA HAHA OMG SHE GETS LIKE ONE MIN OF SCREEN TIME BUT SHE ALWAYS HAS GOOD LINES
I need Trixie’s everything, no joke. HOW
But I’m dying my hair blonder this week don’t play
Ah my bby shelagh again 😍💕
I feel so sorry for Patrick like this wasn’t your fault
LMAO SISTER WINIFRED CANT CONCENTRATE IN COMPLINE SHE IS ANNOYINGLY PRECIOUS
She’s scared to take her driving test aw 😂😂 same like I have my permit but I’m scared to fail the actual driving test
“Oh I have a soft spot for the Antoines” PHYLLIS TIENE UN GRAN COROZON 😭
Omg Mr and Mrs Antoine are so cute too, dios te bendiga 😰
Christopher being a flake wtf no me gusta
Sister W is in on the drama like Sister B was, am I right??
LMAO HER RUN
Prosthetics are so wild, my abuelo has a prosthetic leg and I was so interested when he first got it. But also I’m going to hell for being evil because I joke around way too much when he’s extra senile
“People call my kids hair frizzy, but I think it’s beautiful” MY HEART😭💔 literally my mom was the same with me. Defensive over my curls - even tho my hair is frizzy sometimes😭
The song though, took me a second to process but that’s my bby shelagh’s song ?? Ummm wut
lol sister Winifred hella late, let me guess this will make her want to drive?
this prosthetic place is so great wow omg
damn it Bernie
PHYLLIS LOVES THIS FAMILY AND I LOVE THEM ALL OMG 😭😭
GET THE RUM ! or I will lol
ah never mind
LOL SISTER W AGAIN & PHYLLIS SHAKING HER HEAD
the question is, does/has sister Winifred drink/drank ? she seems like a light weight
fuck is this when it’s gonna happen
I’M NOT READY DAMN IT
damn Bernie..
UGH MY HEART IS RACING IM SO ANXIOUS AND SCARED AHJXKWLXM
HOLY SHIT OMGGGG
THAT WAS SO HARD AHH OMGG
IM FUCKING SCREAMING
Phyllis is in shock o h m y g o d
I can’t process this either
OMG I CANT DEAL
PHYLLIS IS SOBBING, IM SOBBING WTFFFF OMGG 😭😰😰😰💔💔💔
MY FUCKING HEART
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OMG
AW SISTER W ASWELL UGH WTF I SHOULDNT FEEL SO MUCH
LMAO OMG THANK U FOR COMIC RELIF
TIM SUCKS LMAO stick to the damn piano boy
PATRICK AND SHELAGH GIGGLING OMG MY HEART IS OKAY NOW 😭😭💕💕
SHELAGH AND PATRICK BEING SO CUTE IM CRYING
DAMN THALIDOMIDE
DAMN THAT CAR UGH
DAMN IT ALL
LOW FUCKING BLOW BERNIE THAT WAS NOT HER FAULT
BABS TRYING TO COMFORT PHYLLIS IM CRYING AGAIN
SHE IS SO HURT, I AM SO HURT, IM A BLOODY MESS OF TEARS. IM SOBER AND SAD NOW & THERE’S MASCARA In MY CONTACT LENS & MY 3yr OLD GREMLIN LITTLE COUSIN IS KICKING ME (lol he’s laying next to me)
AND CARRIE CRYING NOW OMGGG NO LENNY WONT DIE STOP
“That lovely gp of yours” lol does everyone have a crush on Dr Turner but me? Lol don’t come @ me pls I’m sorry I know people love him 😭😭 Im here for Christopher and Tom But He is handsome, just in an older man way Lmaoo guess it’s cause he could be my dad 😂 lol he’s older than my dad
I’d take him as a sugar daddy real quick though. I need my tuition paid and he is so sweet😏 😭😂
So it was a scarf, hmm I thought trixie was gonna find like stockings or something
“Not Hermès but something very like it” lol how does Trixie know what Hermès feels like on a nurses salary?
Valarie is on my nerves & she’s had like 2 mins of screen time Lmaoo I’ve liked her until this episode. I hope they don’t ruin her for me
“But I’m a member of the institute of advanced motorists” UGH PHYLLIS IS A GEM WHO DOES NOT DESERVE THIS !! SHE IS THERE FOR EVERYONE ALWAYS, SHE ALWAYS DOES GOOD WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO HER?
Aw Sister Winifred
Oh Rhoda 💔💔she’s such a great mother
MY HEART, THEY WERE WALKING AWAY FROM BEING TEASED
BLAME THE RACISTS, IT IS ALWAYS A VALID BLAME
YES PHYLLIS IS A GOOD WOMAN! 😭😭
Tom trying to comfort Phyllis😭😭
“You’re fond of your meat, and our views on God and His existence are divergent to say the least, but we both follow vocations…. so if you caused harm to someone else, even inadvertently would it not make you question what everything in your life has come to stand for?” I’m c r y i n g
“I, a rational woman, have no one to question but myself” 😭💔
IM REALLY HURT
“Sometimes cheering people on the sidelines doesn’t help”
my bby killing it 😍
Why you being a flake Christopher? go ahead man tell her about your kid
BRUH YOU DONT TELL HER LIKE THAT LMAO
he’s divorced ah, thought it was out of wedlock. I don’t care though haha
NO DRINKS FOR TRIXIE, TELL HIM BBY.. in your own time of course 💕
BABY SUSAN SO PRECIOUS
Fred brought her car ugh And Phyllis is still so hurt as am I 💔
This lady is so sweet! I hope she and Rhoda become friends right now
DID SHE TAKE DISTIVAL TOO?
lol wait where are the Turners I miss them??
“.. and the words ‘Nonnatus house this is not a midwife speaking’ are most unlikely to reassure the caller” SISTER MJ!
YES SHE DID OMG. I need them to be best friends omg 💔😭
“Nothing was said, nothing was done” 💔💔
PHYLLIS LOOKING AT THE CAR
SISTER MJ IS GOING WITH HER MY HEART OMG
my heart my heart
aw the mullucks'😭 ofc IT WASNT YOUR FAULT!
SISTER MJ IS A GEM 💕😭 & PHYLLIS IS JUMPING BACK IN
TWO GEMS 😭💕 but also if this was the birth they meant that sister MJ was involved in ill be lowkey sad, but we shall see next week if she’s randomly with Shelagh when she delivers
Trixie serving more looks 😍
Aw my bby 💔does she tell him about her alcoholism at the end of this ?
Also what are we guessing about Valarie rn?? she has a secret? tragic backstory to be unlocked? what ? She gay?
Aw the mulluks’s again! All so sweet💕 & YES LYDIA BE FRIENDS
ugh Christopher looks good af😍 and that car yes
YES TRIXIE 😍 my girl looking good as well
SHE TOLD HIM 😭 IM CRYING IM SO PROUD 😭😭💕💕WHY DO I FEEL SO PROUD FOR A FICTIONAL CHARACTER??! I love her
Oh shit Patsy’s dad is dead. I assumed that was coming
Phyllis reassuring Delia awww
PHYLLIS BACK AT THE CUBS 😭 MY CHAMPION AND SPIRIT ANIMAL BOUNCING BACK
Lenny’s speech omg brb crying
The support group for thalidomide victims omg my heart
I was cryin before and now I’m crying more for this Irish lady
Omg side side side note there was this cute old interracial couple that seem like my parents in 20yrs in JFK yesterday that were so precious and sweet and we’re talking to me the whole time waiting at the gate & then there was this sweet Irish couple who were confused about the time difference and I helped them out and then when we landed they helped me out looking for my bag so now I have much more faith in humanity because usually the people in NYC airports are angry new yorkers who don’t care lol like me (jk)
“There’s no rule of life so simple or so true ..” 😭😢💔💖
Thank u Vanessa I’m so emotional, show me next week
Bonus: next week
OMG PHYLLIS HUGGING SHELAGH OMGGG. I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED TO SEE THIS
PHYLLIS BETTER DELIVER THE BABY I KNOW I WANTED TRIXIE BUT IT DOESNT SEEN LIKELY AND SO INEED PHYLLIS (sister J too ofc?! She was barely in this past episode)
MY BBY SHELAGH’S TUMMY IS SO BIG IN HER UNIFORM OMG SHE’S SO PRECIOUS I LOVE HER I MISSED HER THIS PAST EPISODE
BUT OH MY GOD BABY TURNER IS COMING HOLY SHIT THIS IS HAPPENING THIS IS NOT A DRILL
HERE COMES THE PILL READY OR NOT #LETSGETIT1962
Lol oh shoot I didn’t take mine yesterday or today brb
AW DELIA
WHAT IS SIGNIFICANT ABOUT BABS SLEEPING I NEED TO KNOW
Lol idk why but even though I like Tom and Babs their relationship just doesn’t do anything for me😂😂 like I don’t give a shit? They’re cute but idk it doesn’t cut it. Like they’re just there and I’m like “aw ok”
OMG I CANT WAIT WHAT WILL HAPPEN ?! I NEED ANSWERS
I will die next week. For real.
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#wow i am honestly so fucking stupid like i KNOW that im stupid but i constantly amaze myself at Just How stupid i really am lmfao#i want to die honestly???? and i want 2 quit dbt bc uhhhh its not doing shit and im tired and i want to never leave my house again lol#really tempted to just. delete everything and never talk 2 anyone ever again lol!! that or just kill myself l o l!!!!
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our-pain
reading what you wrote was so hard. not only because my tears would distraught my ability to read but the meaning behind it. i felt your pain and within myself felt mine full blown. how could i allow this….how could i hurt the woman i love so much. the woman i told i wanted to marry and have a family with. its those thought that had pushed me to the brink. the thought of losing you drove me to where we are now. i didnt give you the time and space you needed after what i did. i am so sorry for that. i pushed you to much and too fast. i never meant to hurt you that night and like it haunts you it haunts me. i cant imagine how much that hurt you. i was supposed to be the man who loved you and protected you but instead i am the source of all your pain and that kills me inside. idk what i was thinking that night. what had happened was never my intentions. i am so sorry i hurt you. i fucked everything up and i put you in a place where i wish you never were. to know that you were scared of me and thought i was going to do something again to hurt you makes me feel like a monster. now we are in a place i never thought we would be. all i ever wanted was to be happy together for the rest of our lives. but now here we are. when i first got the link to your blog i froze up. i knew opening it would show me all the things you have felt and feel right now. i first opened it in my bed after the first few sentences i couldn’t hold my emotions back i instantly started crying. so many tears. i saw your face in my head and it hurt so bad.. why why did i hurt you. i never meant to hurt you, i love you so much. having not been able to read it at home i took a drive to the beach and i am here right now. the rain is falling hard and so are my tears. i miss you so much. i wish you were here right now. wish i could look at you straight into your eyes and tell you how sorry i am. tell you how much i love you. i know it would be so hard to do but i feel like I need to. everyday its so hard for me to truly live. i have a cloud over my head everyday. when i look in the mirror i see a monster. how could i hurt the love of my life. how could i hurt the woman i love so much. the woman i told i wanted to marry and have a family with. when i think about that it destroys me. i think about all those times we had that were filled with joy, laughter, and love. there was never a moment when i was with you that i didnt want you there. you were the one thing that could make happy no matter what. im sitting here just imagining your beautiful face….the most beautiful thing on this planet. oh how i miss it. i miss everything about you and i would always want you the way you are, nothing changed. these past months have been so hard without you. i never knew someone could hold this much weight in my life never knew i could love someone this much. miss someone this much. my battle with depression is so hard. my battle with suicide i cant even recognize if its over or not. hard for me to want to continue living knowing how much i hurt you..on march 6th i almost went all the way. seeing you with another guy it hurt so much, i couldnt believe it i didnt want to believe it. i was going to walk right past you but before entering i decided to turn. when you said you wouldnt talk to me i just stood there and watched you leave with that man. i went to the basketball court sat down and cried alone. when i was there i saw you driving off with him i felt myself getting closer to the edge. i called a few mutual friends i needed something that could push me away from what i thought would be an even that would end my life. i finally went inside and thats i sat there alone it was so hard to decide what to do. i didnt want to live anymore knowing how much I hurt you how you didnt want me in your life anymore. how you didnt feel the same. it hurt so much to think of how much it would of hurt my parents, my sisters, carlos, cris and the rest of my family if i had done that to myself. my friends too i know they would be heartbroken. that is what has stopped me from thinking about it as much as before.all of those people know how much i love you and how much i have missed you during this time. i go back sometimes and look at those texts and remember how i would sit there hoping and waiting for a response. when i would hear a ring and eagerly grab my phone and see it wasnt you my heart would sink. i would cry. i would want to die. those were the hardest weeks of my life. i was slowly being blocked on everything. deleted. i wondered if you did the same with out pictures out memories, our love. i wondered if you still used my belt or wore my shirt or my hoodie or if you just threw them all out. the same with the things i wrote to you, i know it seemed like all broken promises. i wish i could do something to make things up. i dont want things to be over. i wish we could go back and time and fix things from the beginning. i think of the times when i was so eager to get to know you so eager to spend time with you. i remember when we sat outside your dorm for so long because we just didnt wanna say goodbye. man times like that make me smile and cry at the same time. today nothing has changed about how i feel about you. i still love you with all my heart. you ignoring me you blocking me you getting a restraining order against me all hurt but didnt break the bond i have to you. nothing will take that away. no woman no man nothing. there is nobody on this planet i would rather share my love with. when you wrote that in 6 months i might be with someone new i knew that was not gonna be the case. you are the only person i would want to be with. i tell my friends that even after all this i would want to make things work. some may disagree some may think im stupid but i dont care. i love you and ill tell anyone that ill never hide that. it hurts to see and hear what your friends think of me. i know its wrong but i would look at you twitter and see. i feel like that was the only way it could make me feel that you were still in my life. i saw certain things i wish i didnt. i saw that you said i was a waste….that hurt so much. i saw conversations about me that hurt me so much. but i was the one to blame the whole time i guess that is what made it hurt even more. i went home the day of the concert i didnt want to scare you or see you because then i would be tempted to talk to you , and at that point i didnt know how you felt. i also didnt want to get in trouble because of the order. when i first got the order i was outside i had my friends over because my parent had been gone for weeks. a guy pulled up in a all black car and said that my ex girlfriend had put in an order against me. i went inside, read it and cried. what i sawwas that it was really over….you didnt want me in your life at all. i was so hurt. everyday i thought of you and missed you so much only to see and believe that you basically hated me. my friends were asking what was wrong and if i was in trouble. i told three of them what he had given me. it was hard to say and for them to hear because i always told them how much i love you and miss you. the hearing was one of the hardest days of my life. when i first walked in i didnt see you. then i did and my heart sank you were crying, and i felt horrible. how could i have done this to you how could i have let it get to this point. after that long wait it was our turn. i couldnt hold back the tears. hearing your voice and the hurt in it was too much for me. i wanted to look at you so bad. but i didnt want to hurt you anymore. after they told me 6 months i was hurt because in my heart i had a feeling you still loved me, that you noticed i wasnt dangerous, and that maybe you would of wanted to talk with me. these 6 months are going to be so hard for me. 6 months without you in my life are going to be so hard. i want to talk to you i want to see you. i want you in my life. like you said a lot can change and i guess the change im most afraid of is you being with someone else. to see that would truly signify the end i guess. to see that you were now in love with someone else doing all the things we used to together would be unbearable. i always ask myself does that make me selfish. i dont want to keep drifting away from you. im now forced to not be able to reach out i feel helpless and alone. i started drinking heavily. my friends are concerned and tell me i need to relax. they think im an alcoholic and im trying to break out of it. i just want to be happy but i know there is only way that could happen and it doesnt look possible. maybe. i dream about you a lot and it’s always good things. i dreamt about you last night we worked at things and we were happy. i woke up and started crying beause i realized it was just and dream and now i was back to reality. the real world in which you arent here. whenever i hear certain songs i think of you. i made a playlist on spotify of songs for when im down or thinking about you. all the songs hold remind me of you and our love in some way. maybe you can give it a listen. on my drive i heard “i feel it coming” and i cried the whole song. i remember when you first showed me that song outside bass pro shops anf told me it was your favorite. “youve been scared of love and what it did to you.” that line resonates with me and makes my eyes water. all the mistakes i wish i never made.you are my best friend and thats what makes this even harder. i told a friend this is was so hard because i had lost my girl and my best friend in one. the comfort level we had was truly something special. i never felt that before. i never want to feel that again unless it is with you. i feel foolish sometimes to believe things could be fixed and work between us because i feel like everyone shoots it down and the last time we spoke you did to. to hear the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with say they dont ever want to be with you again is paralyzing. it does something to you.i have faith in this even if nobody including you doesnt. but i believe love trumps all and can fix things people would never believe. i love you so much everyday without you is a battle. i think about you all the time. i hope we can talk soon and maybe even see each other. maybe thats not allowed through the eyes of the law but to me it is and i just hope you feel the same. i love you so much and miss you more and more everyday.
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