#ive been trying so so so so fucking hard to get over these feelings. he's just a fucking crush ive only know for like three months

[hyuny-bunny]

cybersex | camgirl! x skz

chapter II • chapter IV

MDNI (18+): this series will depict sex work and acts of sex. content warnings will include the following for this chapter: mention of masturbation, oral (f rec), alcohol, p in v (channie wraps it up this time), use of pet names (angel,baby), afab reader, ass smack (f rec), fingering, groping, aftercare !!, slight crying, squirting, safeword system, restraints (cuffs on reader), cussing, slight choking ?

genre: skz x camgirl!reader, use of she/her/hers

wc: 5.6K

Chapter 3

Jeongin and Seungmin would take their brief walk of shame to their apartment, just down the hall from you. They walked in silence, dragging their feet, heads fuzzy and worn down. Had they really… No, it was a dream, right? Without another word or glance, they returned themselves to their rooms. Jeongin was still hard. All he could think about was the way your lips wrapped around him, sucking him in so tightly. He threw his arm over his eyes and held back a moan as he started palming himself over his sweats. The sound of your moans, the feeling of your tight cunt, and the burning desire to spill every ounce of his cum into your pussy replayed in his mind like a broken record. The image of his cum pushing its way out of your pussy is forever burned into his eyelids, he thinks about how much restraint he felt in that moment when all he wanted to do was bury himself in you, pumping you with more and wanting to feel the way you gripped his cock.

Seungmin down the hall was in the same predicament. His hands had already worked away at himself, pumping to the memory of the way you choked around him. The way it felt to to grip your head in his hands as he used your mouth. All the times he had fantasized about you couldn’t compare to what he had with you tonight. He thinks of all the times he had spent gawking at you, even before your camgirl debut. He had always found you pretty, often trying to put himself in your vicinity giving himself an excuse to brush against you. Catching the way your legs looked in particular shorter skirts and dresses, when his perversions would get the better of him looking straight down your blouse when his height gave him the vantage. His mind wanders to the idea of what could’ve played out if you two had been alone together instead. Maybe even begging Jeongin a little more to have stayed at their apartment so he could enjoy your one on one time, in any case, Jeongin likely would’ve broken the door down to get to the two of you the minute he picked upon Seungmins body. His eyes were too good for him.

Their chance to rub one out is abruptly interrupted by the rapid buzzing of their phones.

hyun: there’s no fucking way

lix: ?

han: ?

chan: you’ve got to be kidding me… there’s no way it was you right?

minho: what ?

changbin: can someone explain?

The group chat was blowing up with questions. Hyunjin and Chan weren’t going to let up in their questions. When you first started your camgirl page, Jeongin was the first to learn and in consequence, he shared it with his hyungs. Sharing things like this wasn’t that big of a surprise, they had all been pretty open with their sex lives, and it just so happened to be that Hyunjin and Felix ran their own NSFW page. Felix remained on Twitter, posting content here and there, his main source was his Patreon subscription as he hadn’t really found the appeal of being live. Hyunjin ran his own live-streaming page, it started off on a bet but he found enjoyment in it and a huge ego boost.

seung: how’d you know ??

jeongin: ^^^ !!!!

hyun: that rosary ring isn’t that hard to spot

minho: CAN SOMEONE FUCKING EXPLAIN INSTEAD OF SPEAKING IN CODE 

seung: im definitely not gonna be the one to tell him…

chan: seungmin and innie were in a camgirl’s stream 

changbin: oH? 

hyun: you know her pretty well minho, im surprised you werent watching tonight.

lix: i think i just heard him audibly gasp

han: keep him away from the baseball bat, im afraid he’s gonna try to break down the apart to kill one of them

minho: im not killing anyone… yet… explain yourselves

minho: you both have ten seconds before i come down to your floor to break your fingers off one by one

—

The next few days were all a blur. You had picked up some extra shifts at work to build your savings again, it was a bit tiresome to jump on live lately. You made a joke to Sana that you felt you ran out of orgasms. You were finding it hard to cum on your own, to find satisfaction with your vibrators or fingers or dildos, it couldn’t compare to the real thing of your previous nights. You tried to go live to edge yourself for a while but ultimately had to fake the orgasm, you just couldn’t find the pleasure in it on your own. You almost caved into texting Seungmin to come by for a redemption quickie as he hadn’t gotten his chance to fuck you the way his roomie had. 

By this point, it had been about a week since you had an orgasm, you were growing irritable and frustrated. Your manager had called you in, asking if you could pick up a few extra hours to train a new hire bartender, begrudgingly you had agreed. Due to the holiday season, the restaurant’s normal rate of traffic had doubled and extra staff was needed. While you normally kept to waiting and serving tables, on occasion you would step up to bar as you were well-liked amongst the patrons and knew just the right ways to keep the orders flowing & the tips pouring. The new hire had already worked in some high-end speakeasies so your curiosity was met with a handsome face and the most charming smile.

“Hi, you must be Chris, I’ll be training you today around the bar and bit of the restaurant. It’s nice to meet you!” You reached a hand out to him to shake. He had to be one of the hottest guy’s you had seen in a long time, he was taller, with biceps you wanted to take bite out of, and a smile that made you feel weak in the knee’s

“Oh please call me Chan. It’s nice to meet you.” He smiled so preciously while shaking your, and dear god his hands were beautifully big, thought of what his hands would feel like roaming your body flashed across your mind before tucking itself away for a later time. 

“So today I just want to go over some of our bar basics, our specialty drinks are, the holiday drinks, and a mini tour of the place.” You return a charming smile of your own to him. 

He knew that you would be nothing short of drop-dead gorgeous, just from the way Minho would blush or fluster over every mention of you or the way the other two youngers were there to elaborate further. Your mask didn’t conceal much of your face but he would have never been able to pinpoint you to your camgirl persona, he’d have to applaud Jeongin later for his sharp eyes. You went over the basics with him, bar upkeep, where items are located, glassware available, and the storage for any quick additional needs that don’t require going to the storage room. He was mesmerized by the way you spoke with such firmness and enthusiasm, he wondered why you had decided to be a server instead when it was clear you had a flirty energy that could only work to your benefit.  

“Any questions so far?” You ask as he finishes rinsing the drinkware you had used from the trial run holiday drink.

“Just one, how are you so unbelievably charming working as a waitress and not a bartender?” He lets a chuckle out while his eyes take in every movement you make. You laugh but there’s a heat rising to your face.

“Oh, really no good reason other than preferring the company of working amongst the rest of my waiter friends. It can feel lonely behind the bar or overwhelming with orders barking at you?”

“You think so? You telling me you wouldn’t prefer to play into your charm to pull some extra tips?”

“I mean… There’s ups and downs to both but uh I find more up’s with the great waiters and kitchen crew, speaking of, let me introduce you to them all before our dinner time starts.” You lead him out from the bar to the kitchen,

He walks behind you admiring the way your hips sway, he drinks you in from head to toe, thinking about all the nights he came to the sight of you riding a dildo while you gripped your tits. Minho is settling his things and putting his chef coat on when you walk in with Chan following behind. 

“Chan, this is Minho, our head chef! He’s actually one of the best cooks in the city, I swear I’ve never had anything like his cooking” You say standing between the two of them, Minho feels butterflies in his stomach with the way you compliment his cooking.

“Oh sorry I forgot to tell you the Minho here is a good friend of mine, he’s the one that recommended me to the manager here, ain’t that right?” Chan reaches out to put a hand on Minho’s shoulder but his hand is quickly swatted away.

“Clean coat, don’t touch. Yes, though if he gives you any shit, come find me and I’ll straighten him, got it, angel?” The angel part rolls off his tongue, too quick for him to catch it.

“Oh uh will do, we’ll leave it to you then, Chef.” You nervously laugh as you usher Chan out of the kitchen. You can’t see the tips of Minho’s ear turning red while Chan laughs at the way you two are so head over heels for each other without knowing how badly Minho’s crush. 

You introduce him to the rest of the staff, finding a pleasant surprise that he is also friends with Seung and Jeongin. Once the restaurant is fully running again for dinner time, you and Sana step away to debrief for a moment.

“So, hes friends with both Minho and the twins?” The twins was a nickname you had given Seungmin & Jeongin now due to the fact that they were often too in sync with eachother.

“That’s what he says. Makes me wonder if Minho knows?”

“He know’s something that's for sure, overheard the twins talking to him today about your trainee and his flirty ways. Something about breaking his kneecaps if he tried anything with you?”

“Tried anything?”

“Rumor has it that our Channie, is a notorious flirt with a winning streak of fucking other bartenders. The only thing is he never sleeps with the ones he works with. Don’t fuck where you work or whatever the saying?” 

“Hmm. You’ll think he’ll fuck a waitress where he works then? This orgasm dry spell is really killing me now.” You ask Sana with a suggestive smile.

“You know, why don’t you just shoot your shot with Minho at this point? It’s clear as day that he likes you, he never yells at you when you need to modify a ticket, always puts your tickets at the front of the line whenever you need, AND always manages to save you a dinner somehow. He’s so into you and it truly baffles me the way you don’t see it.” Sana says with a sigh as she ties her server apron around her waist before opening the back door to let you two back in.

“He’s a good friend! In any case, he’s so far out of my league, I’d feel like I was a pity attempt to settle for less when he can do so much better,” You say rolling your eyes to which Sana kick’s your ass on the way in. She was never one for tolerating you negative attitude towards Minho reciprocating feelings.

The kick is momentarily forgotten when you bump right into Chan’s chest. 

“Hey! Was actually looking for you, I wanted to ask if you wanted to grab a drink with me after work? You know just want to pay you back for the training today” Chan’s hands had settled on you waist when you bumped into him. “My friend’s bar just opened up down the block today and he wanted me to come by tonight, I was hoping you’d want to join me?’

“Sure, I’d love to. I’ll wait for you outside after I’m off.” You smile back at him as his hands drop pulling away to head out that back door into the alley for his own break.

“Well I think that answers the question doesn’t it?” Sana laughed while walking right past you. 

—

The bar wasn’t too far down the street, it was a moulin-rouge-inspired bar called ‘Chaos’. The place lived up to its name when you noticed the ever-growing line, Chan wrapped an arm around your shoulder waving to the bouncer. The bouncer was a bit shorter but even more muscular than Chan. They exchange a few words before Chan introduces you to the bouncer who goes by Changbin, you exchange hello’s before he allows you both in. The line seemed tame in comparison to the inside, girls walked around with trays of shots and drinks, lampshades on their heads, and short-fitted rompers. It felt more lively than a bar and yet tamer than a club. Chan guided you to a booth tucked away in a corner, he sat you down and went off to grab your drinks. 

You surveyed the room, noting the people present. Was it wrong that all you could think about was Minho’s “angel” pet name for you? It was endearing and felt warm coming from him, making you wonder what else he’d call you if you were something more. You're pulled out of your thoughts when a cosmopolitan is brought down into your eyesight, Chan is quick to slide into the seat beside you, his arm finding home once more on the wall above your head.

“Thank you again for showing me around the ropes today, couldn’t have asked for a better mentor.”

“It’s nothing really, I’m glad to hear I excelled in that area. How was the first shift?”

“Better than expected, really, I think I only grabbed the wrong bottle of gin four times before I learned my lesson,” He laughs leaning into you. He’s warm and there’s something so inviting about his energy. You continue taking small sips of your drink while talking, you learn he has a roommate, a very tightly knit friend group that included Minho amongst them, and an adorable king charles dog he named, Berry. 

As you continued talking his hand slowly found its way to your knee, the only thing separating you from feeling his touch were the thinly made tights. He offered you another drink but you denied having felt satisfied with one. 

“I hope I’m not too forward asking this but, you didn’t invite me for just drinks tonight did you?” You ask now placing a hand of your own on his thigh. He laughs, its genuine but he smiles coyly.

“Was I too obvious? I’m sorry, I just… I think you are beautiful and I’d be an idiot to not ask you out tonight” He smiles looking down at your lips, he’s got an arm under you wrapping around your waist to scoot you as close as possible.

“I hate seeing such a beautful girl having to fake an orgasm on live, nobody deserves that.”

Your heart skips a beat, your face is rising in heat and his words are swirling in your head. The words die in your throat when you feel his lips on your own. His lips soft and plush, his hand stays around your waist while using his other hand to bring your leg over his own. The kiss feels feverish, whether that’s from the atmosphere or the way your body has craved to be touched over the past week. Any ability to reason with yourself is out the window when his lips move to your jaw, making their way down your neck. You felt the urge to squeeze your thighs shut when his fingers have reached the tops of your thighs, now toying with the hem of the skirt. Fisting a hand in his hair while he sucks at the spot just below your ear, you pull just enough to earn a groan out of him. His groan is almost pornographic and only leads him to biting down on the spot he had been sucking at so sweetly. He pulls back to look at you, taking you in to scan your face for any sign of not wanting to go further, instead he finds a devilish smirk on your face.

“So, which one of those blabber mouths told you about my 2nd life? Hmm?”

“Actually, neither. I knew about you before, they only served as confirmation.” His hand on your thigh inches further up your skirt finding settlement in feeling you warmth. “Let’s take this back to your place, yeah?”

“How about yours?” You ask as he leans closer into you.

“Roomie will be home right now, don’t want interrupt his beauty sleep. We can put on a little show together anyways.”

“And you want your five minutes of fame too?”

“Baby, it’ll be a lot longer then five minutes.” 

A short uber ride later and you were standing outside your building, as you make your way hope the stairs with keys in hand, you look back to see Chan standing there with a confused look on his face.

“You live here?”

“Yeah, 2nd floor. I thought Seung and Jeongin mentioned that we live across from each other?”

“No they didn’t but uh… I also live here.” Your eyebrow raised at this.

“... what floor?”

“First.”

“I think I may have seen your roamate before then. You know what, nevermind that, can we please go up to mine now? I don’t think you understand you badly I need this tonight.” He laughs at this before rushing up their stairs to meet you by your side, opening the door to let you in first. You don’t make it up to the first stair before he’s turning you around to make you look at him.

“Tell me how bady you need me to fuck you.” He pushed you up against the wall next to the stairs, his lips hovering just over yours. You let a whine out when you feel his hand reaching behind you to grab handful of ass, your hands pawing at his white tshirt, and the sticky pool of wetness seeping its way into your panties.

“Channie, please. Fuck me, please, I need to feel you inside me. Need your cock inside me, make me feel so fucking good please.” He lifts you up by your thighs leaving to wrap your legs around him.

“You sound so fucking hot when you beg. I want your screamig my name tonight when I pound that pretty cunt of yours.” A moan falls from your throat the minute he lifts you up completely to walk you to your apartment. 

You fumbling with the keys with the way hes pressed up right against you, his boner already poking into your back. Once the door is locked, your kicking off shoes and tossing jackets onto the couch before leading him into the room. Turning the lights on to set a moody warm light, setting the camera up to only have your bodies in frame. By the time you look over at Chan, he’s stripped down to his boxers looking at the assortment of toys on your shelf. You see him pick up a pair of black cuffs, they were made of a soft faux leather, they had links on them suited for keeping wrists cuffed or tied up to the bed or, when you felt especially frisky, an arm or leg spreader. You feel shy under his gaze when he comes over to you, his hands are warm sliding under your shirt lifting it over your head. He groans at the sight of your tits said perky in the white and pink lace balconette bra. He begins groping your chest, rubbing your sensitive nips over the thin fabric. You reach out to stroke his cock inside his boxers but hes quick to stop you.

“Tonight’s about you. I’m not stopping until begging me to.” He says while kneeling down to pull your skirt and tights off. He admires how pretty you look in a matching set.

“You’re so beautiful,” He kisses your hip before moving his lips onto your thighs while you stay standing. You move your hand cup his face while he lifts a leg onto his shoulder, he sees the growing wet spot in your panties now, clear as day. He looks up at you smirking before pressing a firm kiss to your pussy just over your panties. He was a tease but god did it feel like ecstasy to have the pressure of his lips right up against where you need him most.

He drops your thigh off his shoulder now standing face to face with you once more, the cuffs are still in hand. Its a wordless question asking to use them on you but you eagerly nod, he plants a kiss to each wrist as he puts them on. He links them together behind your back, going over your safe words opting to use the traffic light safeword system.

“Color?” He asks while placing the lacey white eye mask of your eyes, it was sheer, it only slightly blurred your vision. It was more for your personal comfort to keep your face semi concealed. 

“Green.” He made the final adjustments behind your head tying it snuggly your head, while hitting the live button.

You can hear the buzzing of every comment rolling in but can’t clearly see them. Chan positions you to sit in his lap, directly infront of the camera, your back firmly pressed against his chest. He runs his fingertips down your arms, letting them trail to your legs. He uses his knees to push your own apart so your legs are spread open and draped over his own. You throw your head back against his shoulder allowing his hands to massage your thighs, his finger tips just barely brushing against you. You let out a breathy whine when you feel his fingers pushing your panties to the side gathering your wetness on his fingers. He brings a free hand up to rest softly against your thoat leading you to turn your head to the side to feel his lips your own. Desperate to feel him all at once but letting him take it at his pace. You gasp at the feeling of one of his fingers dipping ever so shallowly in and out of your entrance. He grunts at the feeling of you arching your back against when he feels your ass push further into his hard on. He lets you grind into his hand while you share a filthy kiss. Tongues interwined, his straining cock againts you, and drink in every moan that tumbles past you lips.

You grow needier and whiny with every brush of his fingers inside you, he reluctantly removes them to rid you of your panties completeley. He uncuffs your arms from behind you moving to keep them cuffed in front of you so you arent straining your arms for what hes about to do next. Both your bra and panties are discarded into a corner of the room while he lays you on the fluffy pink comforter. Your hair is splayed out against the fabric, you look like an angel while you wait for him to manuever you in place. You had become putty in his hands, allowing him to place you however he wanted on the bed. Your cunt drips onto the bed when he spreads your legs open once more, thats when you feel his breath fanning over you. You wiggle in place but he puts a firm arm against your abdomen to hold you down in place. 

You attempt to buck your hips up when you feel him press a kiss to your lips but his iron grip on you keeps you still. A peppers a few kisses across your pussy, it only makes you more whiny with no way to get him to give more with your hands cuffed in front of you. He licks long stripes against you causing you to gasp out his name, his cock twitches in his boxers when he hears you cry out for him. He finally caves give your clit flicking motions of his tongue while his hands reach up to play with your tits. All you can do is cry out plea’s of more and his name, it only encourages to continue his torture on your clit. Your body feels like its vibrating with pleasure, from the way his hand gropes your tit and moving his other to play at your entrance. He pulls your lips wide latching his mouth to your entire cunt creating a rapid suction that has you archong your back off the bed, letting a high pitched whine as you feel your orgasm nearing. He finally adds a finger in thrusting it up against your g spot.

“Cum for me, angel. Make a mess of my face.” He moans against your clit, leaving you shaking. You feel the oh so familiar knot in your stomach. He adds a 2nd finger creating more pressure against that spongey part inside you. 

“C-channiee I can’t take it anymore- AH please make me cum.” Your whines and moans are just music to his ears. His tongue is sucking so softly at your clit creating a complete contrast his fingers, you attempt to clamp your thighs around his head but he keeps one firmly down. Your orgams hits you hard. The pressure finally releasing, your skin feels like its tingling, and you cry out ‘fucks’ and ‘oh gods’ it’d make a nun clutch her rosary pearls to her chest. 

It isn’t until your cumming down from your high that you realized you had completely squirted all over the bed and Chan. He doesn’t seem to mind one bit but inside he’s overly elated by his abilities. He’s kissing up your still tingling body, when he reaches your neck he whispers in your ear.

“Color?”

“Green, for the love of god, I need your cock inside me right now.” He lets a chuckle out before standing up to fetch a condom from his jeans. His cock is aching to be touched, his atttempts to grind into the bed while eating you out were futile. He’s back on top of you , now free from the restraints of his boxers. He’s perfectly alined with the camera, capturing his size. His cock was not the longest but had a girth that was undeniable. He rolls the condom on looking at the comments pouring in about how big he is, some showing concern for your ability to take him.

“You’ll tell me if it’s too much, alright?” You hum and nod but he’s not satisfied with that. He leans down wrapping a hand around your throat and speaking again. “Words, angel.”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes… sir.” That’s all he needed to get him riled up.

He pushes your thighs up to your chest, before lining himself up. He uses his thumb to circle your clit a bit but you twitch more then he expected, taking note of your sensitivity. Your hands are still cuffed and held up against your chest, although he can’t see much of your eyes, their half lidded until you feel the tip of his cock push into you. You can feel how wide he is, you hadn’t really caught his full size given your dazed state so you were in for a real surprise. 

Sheathing half of himself inside, you open your mouth gasping. You can feel everything now, the veins in his cock promenient even through the latex of the condom. A shiver runs down your spine when you feel his hands gripping your thighs as he slowly pulls himself out to to the tip before going back in half way. He watches the way your tits bounce with every movement, your tight wet cunt sucking him in. It takes every ounce of self restraint in him to not completely bottom out in you.

“More p-please, sir.” 

“You beg so pretty, keep begging.” It’s all it takes for him to push himself inside you to the hilt, you gasp at the feeling, clenching down on him earning a grunt from him. He hold your knees up to your chest pounding into your pussy. 

You feel tears brimming at your eyes from how full you feel, not from pain, its purely pleasure. He’s grunting with every thrust, the sound of your pussy dripping with your exictement, and your moans. You let out a particularly high-pitched moan when he picks up his speed. He’s pussy whipped, your crys, your tight cunt, and your gorgeous tits bouncing with every thrust. He picks you hips up and settles on his knees, maneuvering to let your hips settle in his lap giving perfect access to hammer his cock into you. 

“Fuck baby, cum all over my cock, milk this cock baby.” He coaxes you in praise. Your pulling at the restraints trying fondle your own tits while uses you like a cock sleeve. 

The feeling of him so deep inside you combined with the sweet sound of his grunts and praises, has your orgasm building up again. He lifts you in the air at this point just holding you by the hips, balls slapping against and your own fluids creating a ring around the base of his cock. He settles back down to rub at your clit and picking up speed once more, his cock brushes agaisnt that spot more buidling your orgasm, pushing you further to your end.

“Cum for me baby, come on you can do it.”

“Chan!”

He’s basking in the feeling of you, he know’s now that his imagination will never live up to this again. His thrusts are slowing but his thumb is circling your clit even more, he lands a smack on your ass that seems to push you over the edge while pushing himself inside you as deep as he can. You clench down hard on his cock, pushing him to his own orgasm. He shallowly fucks into you riding you both out in orgasm. He wants to stay buried in your pussy like this for an eternity. Your both still for a moment trying to catch your breath, he lifts off your chest, grabbing the cuffs to free you from the restraints. He kisses your wrists and massages them gently, the soreness would settle in later. Pulling out of you ever so gently he stands up to turn the camera off. 

He walks back over to you to remove the lace from your eyes. Your eyes are glazed over, your in a sub-space and can’t seem to find the words to say it. He doesn’t need you to say it, it’s clear as day to him. He scoops you up into his arms, taking you over to the bathroom. 

“You okay? I’m gonna run you bath, okay? You don’t to speak just nod if that’s okay.” You nod to him as he settles you on the toilet, your legs are shaky and sore. He runs the water till its hot, he plugs the tub to let it fill, walking off to your kitchen to find water. He returns with water in hand, he opens the medicine cabinet looking for the pain relievers to get ahead of the inflammation of your muscles that would spread across your body tomorrow. 

When the tub is filled to the brim, he settles the two of you inside.Chan finds something to fasten your hair up, its when hes washing your body for you and massaging the muscles in your back, you feel yourself coming back to the present.

“You.. you didnt have to stay for the aftercare…” You say quietly, you voice feels small when you speak.

“I did. It’s my responsibility to make sure your okay. Besides, I needed this just as much as you.” He lets out a soft laugh, kissing your shoulder blade. 

Your ex couldn’t even bothered to fetch you a towel after sex, you felt grateful for Chan, even if this would only be a one night stand. After the bath, he wrapped you in a tower bringing you to your other room, he stepped away to grab his own clothes from the room. He noticed the mess left behind and took it upon himself to remove tarnished spreading. He knew the apartment had a washer inside, so he walked over to the hallway closet to find it. He set it to wash and when you reappeared in the doorway of the bedroom, you took notice of his now fully dressed state.

“I don’t want to feel like I’m asking too much but.. Will you stay the night? You totally don’t have to if you don’t want to or if you’re-”

“I’ll stay.” He stops you from rambling further. His presences was warm and comforting, you just wanted to feel someone next to you for a night. You offered him an extra shirt as you often kept larger shirts to sleep in for night time as you often slept in your under and shirts. You dozed off to the sound of his heartbeat with your head on his chest. Chan is setting his phone on the night stand about to doze off himself when he gets a text.

minho: count your fucking days

—

taglist (11/30): @skzooluvr @breadpuddingboys @weshhhhhhhhhhhhh @ihrtlix @complete-kpop-trash @strayzid @amara-mars @hynnnpic @hyuneyeon @teenagemoonharmony @cvpiddzz

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[spacedlexi]

it honestly frustrates me when i see people reduce the ericsons cast down to "just some teens in the woods" acting like theyre no different than any other group of lone teenagers from other existing properties and treating them like an overused trope

it is sooo important to acknowledge the "troubled youth" aspect of the whole equation. theyre not just some random teens in the woods clem stumbles across. these kids were abandoned by their families for their various "difficulties" and fucked up by The System before the outbreak even began. and then once zombies started roaming the streets their familes never came back for them and the adults that were in charge of taking care of them just left them there to rot in that old boarding school (except for ms martin who was like their lee 🥺 the only person who ever saw them as the scared traumatized kids they were and died protecting them)

the whole aspect of them already being fucked up by the adults that controlled their lives is like.....kind of important when discussing the whole "delta is stealing kids to force them to fight in a war they have no real part in and want nothing to do with" aspect of the season. and its important when comparing them to clem and her journey of also suffering at the hands of the adults around her forcing her to become self reliant. AND its important when discussing the "just trying to build a safe home (and future) worth fighting for in this world that wants them dead" aspect of the season as well

these kids were forced to come together to survive. and a Lot of them didnt... theyre the only family they have left and you can tell that even when they argue with each other theyre still a close knit group who looks out for each other. theyre a Real family before clem even gets there (and its why what really happened with the twins and brody and marlon hits them all so especially hard)

all of this is what REALLY makes ericsons such a perfect home for clem. its a Real community of her True peers. theyre not Just teens. they mightve had a layer of safety clem never had by at least having walls to keep them safe. and having the benefit of the school being hard to find. its the only reason theyre still alive when clem shows up. but theyre also some of the only people who can Truly understand where clem and aj are coming from. and its why it hurts so much when they vote to kick them out. but its also partially why she merges back into the fold so easily when she returns. plus the fact that shes Really the only one who has any idea what shes doing. shes their rock and she makes them feel safe because underneath it all theyre still just those scared traumatized kids ("EVERYONE is scared, clem..." vi was Definitely including herself in that 'everyone'), and on some level, so is clem

they saved clementines life. and she saved theirs. "the school was supposed to help them with their trauma, now they help each other" its about the LOVE the COMMUNITY the SUPPORT!!!! and thats the shit that makes good zombie media honestly 👌

#it speaks #twdg #there i go again writing another essay but i will Always defend the ericson cast theyre one of the strongest out of all 4 seasons #complaints ive seen about s4 typically include mentions of the teens as a trope being overused and im like.......did you even pay attention #the fact they were branded “troubled youth” and basically thrown away by everyone who was supposed to take care of them is SO IMPORTANT #these kids are Fucked Up but theyre Trying to make a kinder world #nobody talk to me i fucking love the ericson cast 😭😭😭 theres not a single one of them i dont like im serious #them using poor pilgrim of sorrow in ep3....ericsons is heaven to clem 😭 all the comments she can make about feeling safe there 😭😭 #clem being everyones rock but violet being clems rock back 🥺😭💕 waaaaahhh thats why it was over for me when vi stood up for them in ep 2 #vi having the courage to stand up to her group for aj........... yeah she had me in a vice grip after that. she fought for them so hard #and if it wasnt for her advocating so hard for them to stay they ALL would have been taken or killed #vi cared about clem so much she undoomed them all #and aj loved clem so much he undoomed her :') #s4 is just the perfect ending to clems story truly itll make me happy for the rest of my life im so happy for u clem 🥺 #tfw the media you like gets a good ending and the main characters are respected and it feels like it was made from a place of love #instead of being like...actively hostile to its fanbase and destroying its own characters for the Laughs #and when i say “good” i dont necessarily mean “happy” i just mean “competently written" #i wouldnt call it perfect but it survived both a cancellation AND the financial collapse of a major game studio. its perfect to Me #for what it is (and what it originally almost was with the clems house plot) we truly lucked out so fucking hard #truly a return to form of season 1 but with less despair and more hope which i appreciate :') #all the things ive liked over the years that were destroyed for me by bad or weird writing decisions... clutches onto twdg like a lifeboat #god i love s4 so much nothing has ever been More Specifically Written For Me Personally

[coldvampire]

anyway as soon as i pry myself off this couch im gonna share some screenshots of bg3 protags on my sideblog. just gotta like. reach the desk first.

#all i can think about is the shelves im gonna get installed here over the next little bit fdghj #yall dont understand its so hard to keep things clean and brain friendly when you just dont have anywhere to put stuff. #hellish #& then i get overwhelmed and turn into a massive bitch when i try to get it under control fdgh #instead its been like. 2 straight days of dopamine i fucking swear?? my body probably definitely wouldnt let me do this for a living #(my hip is screamingggg dfghgjj) but actually if i could & if i could work in a team then yeah. ykw i enjoy it. #organization go brrrrrrr #i dont think she was expecting me to work that fast either but ive been like a feral animal. skittering over clutter. #finding Spots for Things #okay i lied the flood was actually beneficial in one way to me specifically. #estranged father just forgot a Bunch of tool sets here & ive claimed them now fdghjk #that nail gun is MINE #she suggested i look out for an actual tool chest/bench thing (ykw the ones with wheels and stuff) for everything and i havent been that #excited for anything in months fdgh tools are expensive alright. too bad he took the table saw. #i dont talk much abt my Masc Hobbies as i call them lmao no real reason to but hoooboy i love to Build Things #give me that ikea desk ill have it done in an hour or less every time #maybe trade school is still on the horizon for me gfhj always wanted to Weld Stuff i think id be good at it #as much as i fuckin loathe yard maintenance i was a real garage sooooo bad its not even funny #shame i wasnt just inherently expected to know car stuff tm i feel like i would have loved it too #scarrier to learn on your own later in life especially with a lease vehicle but ill get there eventually #anyway yeah bg3! new mods. new ocs #have not done much with them yet but they Exist and theyre pretty

[josephtrohman]

at the end of the day, even if they do NOT play xo as the magic 8 ball song i will be happy, because it's fall out boy :) it may be a bit disappointing just bc i feel like im being SO hopeful about it, but it will still be amazing. and also just to say this: if they dont end up playing it, please dont be too sad or pity me or anything, because i am still seeing fall out boy at the end of the day <3 ily everyone

#sorry if this is repetitive it’s largely for me #i think ive made it so much my image that it's like. maybe ppl would be sad if they dont play it. maybe nobody cares tho idk #also had a bit of a moment of rocking back and forth being like. i will be happy with whatever 8 ball i get😵‍💫 over and over #bc i am getting really into it and just need to calm the fuck down basically. but it'll be ok. #tom has been like 'it's just one song out of a whole setlist. dont let it get you down for like 4% of the show' and im like. ok hes right 😭 #it's still hard and feels some type of way but. trying to adjust my feelings about it

[wickershells]

txt

#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me #i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am #truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside #or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just #me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here #i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious #i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont #want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they #i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish #i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here #i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see #and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all #be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself #theres an abyss where my personhood should be #i have to leave i have to get out of here

[orcelito]

Read the most depressing trauma dumping letter Ever sent to me from my mother and then went right into the manager meeting where I had to get it thrown in my face AGAINNNN that I'm a fuckup who's doing nothing right, as if Saturday wasn't one of the most humiliating days of my life

I need to fucking scream. I need to fucking break things. But it's nearly 10 pm and I can't do Shit because if I throw shit in my apartment I'll scare my cats and I don't want to break my shit and I can't leave my apartment because it's fucking 10 pm and that's Dangerous but I need to release this energy somehow because I. Am. So. Fucking. Fed UP with life. It feels like no one sees how much I'm trying, it's always always always always my fuckups. Always always always. And meanwhile I've been slipping in a major way and I'm trying so hard to keep myself on track but I am

Needing to calm down. Before I start thinking drastic things.

I'm just so. Fucking. Frustrated.

I'm trying. Does anyone see that I'm trying? Can anyone fucking tell me they see I'm trying?

Of course not. We have to remind me that I'm a fuckup who's awful at their job. Of course :)

#speculation nation #negative/ #i feel like.im going to explode #Dont Mind Me i just had to get the words out #skimming over the letter thing with this one just bc i dont think i want to talk about that actually #i just really shouldn't have read that before the meeting. #but whatever. too late now. #i need to either curl up in a ball never to see the light of day again #or go on a screaming rampage to break Everything in my path and release all of the energy all at once. #maybe then id feel okay #but probably not. #im. just going to keep trying my best. but holy fucking shit i feel so severely under appreciated #i know i havent been doing my best in some areas but im trying to fix them #im taking the criticism into consideration and working hard to fix my behavior #and several of the things are largely me not knowing the exact perfect thing to do in the current transition #i got chewed out for so much on Saturday and one thing was the way i sent the list #which was how the prior manager had me do it. how the fuck was i supposed to know he wanted it differently? #i did it the way he wanted it today. working hard like the pathetic little dog i am. #arf arf look at me do my tricks. why arent you praising me? this is what you wanted isnt it? #oh we still have to talk about the things you already humiliated me for? no recognition for all the things ive been trying to do? #only ever the fuckups? only ever the fuckups! only ever the fucking fuckuos. #maybe itll get better. i hope itll get better. ill try my best to make it better. #but if it doesnt get better and it's always only my fuckups all the time always then why the fuck should i stay here #part of why ive stayed here for so long is the comfort of familiarity. but right now i dread going to work for more than just working. #i dread being exposed to this atmosphere. it feels like a place of comfort and familiarity has turned into a place of ridicule. #i already prostrated myself. i already took a ton of tip points away from myself for what were honest mistakes. #what more do you fucking Want from me? #shall i strip myself bare and flog myself to show im truly repentant? would that be enough? #of course not. it never is. #devalued and humiliated. i never want to step foot in that store again. but i need money. and so i shall go. i guess.

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[arolesbianism]

So. Sit with me everyone. We agree that we need to stop worshipping a person or media on the sole grounds of being gay right. Can we finally agree that it's not homophobic to criticize gay ppl with large platforms. Can we finally actually learn to think critically abt how these ppl talk abt ppl outside of their immediate identities and to recognize that just because they say they aren't bigoted doesn't mean they aren't. Please.

#rat rambles #like seeing ppl dunk on james is vibdicating and all but also. yall do realize that even without the plagerism hed still be a piece of shit #and that another white man shouldnt have to spell out to you what misogyny is #<- directed at ppl who watched mr misogyny before hand #Im not saying anyone is a bad person for not realizing. Im just saying to be more careful and attentive in the future #dont be scared to criticize the ppl you watch even if you dont think theyre a bad person #hell Ive been watching hbomberguy for years and he is certainly not perfect #like in a lot of his old videos you can rly see some unconcious ableism #and I could go on and on with nitpicks and gripes Ive had with him over the past several years but thats not the point of this post #the point is that you need to get yourself comfortable with digging deeper into the things you consume #a lot of ppl will say things like 'oh this person gave me a bad vibe but I didnt think it was this bad' #and I want to just say if you get that sort of bad vibe then fucking dig deeper!! interrogate that feeling and where its coming from! #this also applies to situations where you might dislike someone for bigoted reasons of your own #I think ppl try way too hard to train themselves to not interrogate their discomfort and it's so not good for your critical thinking skills #and in fact interrogate your comforts too #just in general thinking abt why certain things make you feel certain ways is good practice and will help you see red flags sooner #is this gay guy focusing more on gay men than gay women? why might this be? is it really the topic like he says it is? #if you think well Im also more interested in gay men that gay women in history so hes not doing anything bad #then question why you think that. idc how uncomfortable it makes you to question your views on minorities fucking do it #cause imagining you arent misogynist or racist or whatever the fuck doesnt make you less bigoted #if you want to be the ally you think you are you need to suck it up theres not rly a kinder way I can manage to put it

[devildairymilkfairy]

.

#man im really tired of having feelings for him. i should really just keep my distance and go back to dating apps #i long for the connection we have and hate having to build up something brand new #but im really tired of feeling butt hurt everytime he sleeps with our roommate #like yeah we broke up over a year ago. and still casually do shuff. its just hard for me to turn off that side of my brain #i just want to feel loved and be held by someone without having to build the foundation all over again #ive been depressed the past few days because of it. i act irrationally and cant control my feelings #overall its better if i just let them fuck around and i try to find someone new. only problem is im anxious and not a good conversationalist #plus i hate messaging people over phone. too much anxiety abt what im saying and if the other person enjoys me or not #anyways it sucks seeing the subtle evidence that they went at it while i was away. i have no right to be upset but i cant help but think of #him as more than a friend. i cant and shouldnt but we had dated 6 years previously. its a bit difficult to turn that switch off now #dammit i guess tonight im gonna sleep alone again and try not to cry. whatever gotta get over myself and move on. have to stop only thinking #of my self and being so damn possessive all the time #ash rambles #fuck i feel worse now after typing all that out yippee..

[sunnydice]

man.

#i had this whole post ive been trying to formulate for so so long. abt my issues w ceewilbur and ccwilburisms and #to clarify i do like cwilb he is one of my faves. ik it may seem i wanna bite his arm off smtimes and i Do but #its mostly bitterness directed to the stuff Around him if that makes sense. yk the response to lots abt him #the way the overcompensation abt how he can be villanized swinging into a state where he Cant and never Did and wrong and if you critique #or acknowledge it you get snipped at and demeaned and treated like its a targeted hit on the mentally ill when its like #a mild disagreement with one of the most popular characters in the fanbase Easily #and w cc wil i do think he is just sm guy. im sure he's a nice dude idrc abt the ccs usually but he seems alright enough even tho he has v #goofy ahh takes and opinions but that doesnt make you Evil #but when i dive into what really has made me feel so alienated and snippy its. llmao its the racism yeah lol its super very much the racism #its very very prevelent and very common and very unchallenged. and it like. upsets me so bad its why i keep bailing on making my actual #full detailed post abt it. cuz everytime i try to formulate my thoughts i just get upset and frustrated i wanna rip my hair out #its hard not to feel like im talking to a wall when its so common and unchecked and. ive seen rightful critiques of these spaces and how #ppl interact with them Openly Mocked and brushed aside and treated like 'petty sensative internet drama' that ppl need to 'just get over' #sorry man im a fucking 🇲🇽 i cant exactly log off and Stop Experiencing Racism. and sorry that me feeling alienated and tired and sad abt #it is an inconvenience for you llol #and like idk. im not upset w anyone in particular this isnt a call out post or vague who give a shit and. #eh maybe im stupid but i really really believe a lot of ppl arent doing it on purpose #its just bein parroted ik i get it but #am i rlly not allowed to be tired? why should it feel like my responsibility to hold ppls hand and go hey mb treat poc and darker skinned #ppl like ppl. maybe you should examine why you need so many things made palatable to you through conventionally attractive whiteness first #idk. idk!!! am i crazy who fucking knows #but it has been weighing on me stupid style so bad #the shrinking fanbase and primarily yk common stragglers has just. rlly felt like a magnifying glass to my already existing issues abt it #idk man. idk im tired and im at work its 100°+ and my head hurts so this is all yr getting. lea me alone #and again this isnt a vague who Cares. just wanted to get it off my chest finally #huri.txt #discourse #<- ig

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#im back in my apartment. and im rather sick. just a cold but like woke up feeling ok and then over the course of thr 12hr travel day #i was increasingly feeling worse and now im like 😵‍💫 its probably worse bc 7hr jet lag and my hormones r fucked #so im a bit recked. im supposed to go instruct undergrads tomorrow doing a procedure that fills me with rage even when i dont feel terrible #well see how awful i feel in the morning. i also have v lil food here bc ive been gone so long ugh #so much i gotta do. and do i feel better than when i left? not especially. i still wanna fucking quit working here. my dad is like #prioritize ur stuff bc u gotta move in 2 months and hes right but its gonna b real hard to stick to that #ugh. i feel so awful. i dont wanna work tomorrow. #i also watched that salin4 gomez doc on her brain stuff and it made me cry. and i was like weeping as i drove back from the airport bc a #lotta thimgs. but whatever itll b a 3 day weekend and im gonna try to b better abt doing as lil work as i can manage #so i dont like die. ya kno. but whatever. 2 months left. then i move. the process of getting #permits for sampling has already begun. ill b outta the desert soooooon. the light is there #unrelated

[valpuduzz]

god im supposed to be working on a project but i think this is a venty kind of night. i dont feel good at all. im sorry (anything suicidal that im mentioning isnt meant to be taken seriously btw, im just going through it)

#the meowing of a cat 🐱 #vent #i dont think i want to go to DC anymore for the con. but i also dont want to go to mexico. and i rlly dont want a job #i dont want to hang out with anyone i dont want to see anyone i want to be left alone. i want to rot in my room #i just wanna shrivel up and die and i want to kill myself #i really really want to kill myself #i really really really want to kill myself #it's really hard to cry. i feel empty and on edge and like ive been put into this earth to suffer and yet i cant cry #and oh yeah here we go. crush problems once again. im sorry my dear mutuals #i love him so much i love him i love him but. i have no right to love him. i wish my feelings never latched on to him like this #i barely talk to him except when we voice call in the server im in. i dont have the right to love him like this #i kinda just wish he could straight up just tell me he hates me so i could finally have peace of mind. #i wish i knew how to talk to him. i wish i wish i wish. but i cant. because my desperation is so obvious and i'll come off as a creep #the last thing i want to do is make him uncomfortable #i think what hurts the most is that no matter how many times i tell him he's my friend and that i love him he wont know #the extent of my feelings for him. im jealous of his close friends because i know i'll never be close or special to him #because i dont know how #i already told him how i felt a while ago in march. and you cant confess to someone again #one time is okay. two times is being much too forceful and desperate #ive been trying so so so so fucking hard to get over these feelings. he's just a fucking crush ive only know for like three months #and yet it fucking hurts so fucking bad i fucking hate it i hate that my brain has put aside the friends who actually care about me #for a crush who even though is a dear friend of mine isnt as close to me as the other people in my life #genuinely think i should kill myself for this and im not lying #i hate this so much i hate that ive been abandoning my friends for him. but i love him so much i love him so fucking much #and i cant just randomly say that out of nowhere because he's gonna know im still in love with him and he'll hate me for forcing him #my biggest fear is he forces himself to like me back. i'd never forgive myself #im so sorry to my friends but this crush shit has taken over my mind and it's not good and it's toxic and i hate it #i wish i had an excuse to leave his life but that would mean he'd think he did nothing wrong when he did nothing to me #the only person to blame in this situation is me myself and i #fuck i reached tag limit OOPS

[29121996]

.

#therapy sypposed to help me deal w * n i think it made it worse to a degree #im not evne confused or anything #like i do feel vetter but . realising how deep rgis does go is alwahs Depressing #i am Not Escaping this anytimw soon andnim Stuck #until something gives way and i can move ( #figurativrly or literally #like i am not getting over him while i live in the same town as him. thats not happening. i cant . go uptown n run the rusk of seeing him #while also trying to move on and date other ppl #vx while i am Open to that and want to do tbat #i cannot . if he exists. bc he just . no one is Going to give me the same feeling he fid #n thats freeing n saddening btw . its a horrendous mix to feel 👍 #saw his ass ultown n cemented the End of me n this guy ive been talking to for 2 months .wgat can i say. hes a Curse #(it was more so #i wantes Out anyway bc i didnt like this dynamic and i wasnt gonna bother w it . not when i had other dhit to b worrying abt #n i already saw him as . Nothijg but a friend or wtv its hard to budge from that #so whatever #like i Obviously dont have to date or wtv . but like . i want to . i just am Struggling to get to that point when hes just fucking Everywher

[orcelito]

Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this

#speculation nation #daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days... #im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard #im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn. #what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles #and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response #im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day #but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned #and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat. #im just... tired. im so very tired. #i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to #constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing) #and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed #if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work #at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think #get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes. #i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding #i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic #but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month. #losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though. #negative/

[victim9d]

hm.

#negative cw #our other best friend came over and my roommate mentioned that hes here but never anything past that #and i just went to the bathroom and heard them all playing the board game we were all gonna play and. no one told me #like i would've probably said no bc the kids are here and I'd be uncomfortable but. it hurts? #its a game ive never played before (cluedo) that i bought specifically bc i thought it would be fun to play with my best friends but #god i hate this my stupid brain is so self sabotaging and now im just 'well okay so im never ever gonna play cluedo then this has ruined it' #i hate this i hate everything ab this but my brain gets so all or nothing in situations like this #and i will frequently go for Nothing bc i feel like this is a. it feels once again like i am being excluded from the only friends i have #and its. if it was any other day I'd say maybe they dont wanna keep me up bc of work but i dont work tomorrow #me not working tomorrow is WHY we were gonna play board games tonight literally the entire reason #bc i could stay up later and it'd be fine #but also its fucking 7pm its not that late and they've been going for a couple hours already #and i just. it hurts that they didnt even ask if i wanted to play when ive spent days excited for this #i have talked excitedly ab playing cluedo and now i never ever want to see that game ever again i hate it #i wish i had. i wish i had friends outside of just my 2 roommates and our best friend #like i don't even mean i want people im as close to as them i literally just. i dont know anyone else #no one else would ever want to spend time with me #and i am constantly watching them all make new friends and bring new people into their lives and i just. dont #and its not for lack of trying!!!!! i am always trying So Hard to meet people and make friends but just. it. #i have known for Years like at least a decade that i am fundamentally difficult for people to like especially in person so ive clung to #the trio ive had but i just. i feel like. they are moving on #and its felt that way for a long time for a lot of reasons and its just. i do not understand what im doing wrong #or why people never like me #i wish so badly i could've just been happy with the body i was born in i feel like if i had just settled w being a girl people might like me #i don't know this is stupid and depressing and will be deleted i just #hearing them playing and having fun and the fact that they never even thought to involve me just Hurts

[rafeandonlyrafe]

demonstration

words: 2.8k

warnings: 18+ only, smut, reader is toppers girlfriend, struggling to cum, female receiving oral and fingering, multiple orgasms, edging and overstimulation, protected and unprotected sex, cheating

“maybe you could ask one of your friends for help, top.” you pout, rubbing your hand over his shoulder, not wanting him feel any more upset than he needs to be, but at the same time, you’re not sure how much longer this can go on.

“you can't tell me what i can do to fix it?” topper asks.

“you know i was a virgin before you babe, i really don’t know.” you sigh, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “maybe ask rafe?” “rafe?” topper turns suddenly to look at you. “why him?” “i’ve just… heard talk from some of my friends. he can probably give you some good advice. i don’t know.” you shrug. “maybe it’s something wrong with me.” “no, don’t say that.” topper shakes his head, turning to pull you into him, a hand around your waist.

“you ask your friends and i’ll ask mine.” you give as an option. topper nods, pressing a kiss to your forehead, hoping the next time you’re in his bedroom, it’ll go a lot better.

--

“what?” rafe gawks at his friend, unsure if he heard him right or if he was going crazy.

“ive never… i’ve never made y/n cum before and i just… i need to know what to do rafe! i’m worried she’s gonna leave me if i can’t get it together and i guess- fuck! i don’t know! just help me out man!” topper paces quickly, bringing his hands to his hair, tugging on it, stressed out of his mind.

“okay, alright, jesus, just clam down!” rafe says, sitting down on the couch, gesturing for topper to sit as well. he’s not sure how long he can keep himself still, already feeling awkward and nervous about not being able to make you cum, only made worse by trying to talk to rafe about it.

“every time i fuck her, i just get so over excited and cum too quickly and i know this is tmi but i just try my best and every time she doesn’t cum and she says its okay but i know it’s really not.” topper blurts out.

“alright, well…” rafe sighs, pushing his hand through his hair. he’s never had this type of issue before with girls. “do you finger her? or eat her out? before you fuck her, i mean.” “i eat her out sometimes.” topper shrugs. “she says my tongue feels good and i can make her cum like that, but not when im fucking her, i just don’t know what to do, i just get so excited and… and i’ve never had this problem with girls before, it’s just y/n.”

“to be fair, she’s hotter than any girl you’ve been with before.” rafe comments. it’s no secret, so he doesn’t feel bad saying it, especially when topper nods.

“she’s way out of my league, thats why i’m sure if i don’t fix this she’s gonna leave me.” topper sighs.

“maybe a demonstration could help?” rafe suggests, making toppers head snap towards him, a look of fury in his eyes.

“you are not allowed to fuck my girlfriend.”

“no, man.” rafe shakes his head. “what if i’m there while you fuck her? then i can give you specifics, and she will know you are really trying. she told you to ask me right?” “yeah, i guess you have a reputation of being really good.” topper cringes at his own words.

“i am. so, let me help you, top. brother to brother.”

--

rafe understands why topper has such a hard time keeping it together as you lay out naked on the bed, eyes flickering between your boyfriend and his best friend, a cautiously optimistic look on your face.

“go ahead and spread your legs.” rafe says, trying to keep his tone even, to disguise the lust that he feels as his eyes move from your breasts down to between your thighs.

“can you get naked first topper? i feel weird here.” topper was shirtless, but still had his shorts and underwear on, even though he was obviously straining against the fabric. 

“yeah.” topper glances briefly to rafe before tugging them down his hips, letting his cock spring free. 

“so have you ever cum before y/n?” rafe asks.

“yeah, um… with my own fingers.” you cough awkwardly. “and when topper eats me out.”

“its really just when i’m inside of her.” topper says with a thick swallow as your thighs part, opening them wide to show off your pussy, already gleaming with wetness and a peachy pink color that makes rafe want to bend down and bury his tongue inside of your folds, but he has to behave himself, just happy to have this opportunity to see you like this.

“why don’t you finger her first? then you can show me. open her up a little, it’ll help.” rafe instructs.

topper nods, reaching down and pressing one finger against your hole. you tense up briefly before relaxing, allowing topper to push his finger in.

“is she tight?” rafe asks, without really meaning to, but he figures you must be from the way you are squeezed so tightly around his finger.

“yeah, that’s why i can never last.” topper says, thrusting his finger in and out, the slick sounds of his movement squelching throughout the room.

“does that feel good y/n?” rafe asks, eyes flickering up to your face.

“mhm.” you nod, but you don’t feel any urge to moan, needing more. “could add a second, top.” “okay.” topper nods, trying to work a second finger in, but you hiss at the stretch, primarily hurting around your entrance, despite your wetness.

“gotta rub her clit too.” rafe says, reaching over and pressing a fingertip to your clit, rubbing it. you gasp out, not just from the good feeling but from rafe touching you, like he swore to topper he wouldn’t do before he agreed to this.

toppers finger slips easily in once you’ve relaxed to having your clit rubbed. topper looks slightly annoyed, but he stays silent when he sees how much you’re liking it now, unable to hold back your moans. “oh, just like that.” you moan, eyes fluttering closed.

“see if you can add a third.” rafe says, flicking his finger over your clit before going back to rubbing.

“i’ve-i’ve never been able to take more than two.” you sit up slightly, surprised when topper presses a third finger and manages to begin thrusting it inside of you.

“aw, fuck.” you whine, trying to close your legs, but topper holds one thigh open with his hand while rafe grasps the other.

“keep ‘em open, cutie.” rafe says. “gonna cum?”

“yeah, yeah keep going-” you cut yourself off before you can yell rafes name instead of toppers.

“pull out, top.” rafe says, suddenly taking his hand away, making your back arch off the bed as you squirm, trying to chase their fingers, to get them back touching you.

“no, no, no.” you whine when topper also pulls out, leaving your hole clenching around nothing.

“sometimes if you’re struggling having her cum with your cock inside her, you can edge her first.” rafe says, switching easily back to teacher mode.

“should i fuck her now?” topper looks to rafe, before glancing to you, realizing he shouldn’t be asking permission to fuck his own girlfriend, but rafe has that type of energy, that commanding presence that easily makes him in control of any situation.

“yeah, put the condom on though.” rafe glances to the bed where topper threw a condom out of his pocket earlier. while topper slides it on, your focus on him, rafe takes a moment to reach to his crotch, squeezing his cock and begging himself to settle, to calm down.

topper lines himself up with your entrance, placing one hand on your hip as he lines himself up with his other hand, pushing inside of you slowly as you moan, eyes squeezing shut, obviously aroused and feeling good by him stretching you, so rafe is unsure what the issue is, until topper begins to move.

he’s thrusting too rapidly, overwhelming you. rafe shakes his head, “slowly, topper. deeper thrusts.”

topper manages to get control of himself, slowing down but still not thrusting deeper, and rafe realizes its because of the angle, topper not holding himself low enough to properly thrust.

“here.” rafe grabs a pillow, a different one from the one you’re laying your head on. rafe taps your hip and you lift them as he stuffs the pillow underneath. “try now.”

topper scooches closer, now able to thrust much easier, entering you at a far better angle as he takes you repeatedly, still going too erratically, too random.

“on a beat.” rafe says. “gotta fuck her steady, can’t just jackhammer.” “i-i-” topper groans out, pulling out, much to your disappointment as you let out a deep sigh. “i can’t, was about to cum.” “damn, baby, you must be real tight.” rafe glances to you, making you blush and close your legs slightly, which is hard as you are propped up, spread open on display.

“try again, top, it’s okay.” you soothe him, keeping your voice soft and steady.

topper nods, retaking his cock in his hand, pushing it back inside. you nod in encouragement as he moves, already going to shallow and too fast to properly build you up.

“gotta rub her clit too, man. remember she’s already close from getting edged.” rafe tries to instruct, but when topper places his thumb on your clit, his movements are jerky and too harsh, almost hurting as you cringe, but in your displeasure, your cunt clenches around toppers cock and he looses control, moaning as he cums, pumping into the condom.

“shit!” topper shouts out in pleasure, before he realizes you’re looking up at him with disappointment in your eyes. “shit.” he groans again, this time angry with himself as he pulls out in shame.

“it’s okay, top.” you sit up, moving the pillow as you reach out for your boyfriend, or at least attempt to, but he moves away, looking down in shame.

“you’re gonna break up with me now.” toppers voice is sad as he speaks.

“what?” it takes you back, not expecting it.

“you’re gonna break up with me, aren’t you? because i can’t make you cum, you’re gonna leave me? god, i’m so pathetic.” “i can’t believe you think i’m that shallow.” you scoff as topper pulls the condom off and tosses it into rafes trashcan, who is simply glancing back and forth between the two of you. “that i would break up with you over sex?” “you wouldn’t?” topper questions.

“you would?” you question back, growing frustrated. “topper, i let you take my virginity, i can’t believe you thought i would do that just… just go.”

“no, baby, listen.” topper begins.

“i’m not breaking up with you yet.” you tell him. “but i need some space, please just go.” 

topper can’t hide the tears welling up in his eyes, and he doesn’t want to cry in front of you, and especially not rafe, so he pulls his clothes back on quickly and haphazardly before leaving, slamming the door shut behind him.

you sigh, burying your head in your hands. you wouldn’t break up with topper just because of sex, but his reaction to what happened makes you question everything.

“you okay baby?” rafe asks, making you jump, forgetting he was there.

“yeah, sorry, i can leave.” you move to get off the bed when rafe grabs your wrists, making you stop.

“or you could stay.” rafe says, his voice suggestive, as well as the look on his face.

“i-but topper…” “just finishing off what he started. come on, you came here for help anyways. lets see if you can cum when i fuck you.” “i-i guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.” --

rafe finally picks his head up from between your legs, cunt now bright red and covered in mess due to your three orgasms his tongue and fingers brought out of you, deciding to go for overstimulation instead of edging, now that he was the one getting to have you.

“still thinking about topper?” rafe asks, pressing a kiss to your puffy clit, making you whine out.

“no.” you admit honestly, all of your thoughts have been replaced by rafe. “fuck me, please, rafe.”

rafe smirks, standing up and taking his shirt off, pleased that your eyes glaze over as you watch him undress, jaw dropping open when his cock is revealed, already hard and leaking.

“yeah, i know i’m bigger than him.” rafe smirks as he climbs onto the bed. “but i opened you up enough, didn’t i? or do i need to make you cum again?”

“n-no.” you shake your head, already so overstimulated. “i want your cock, i need it.” “he always fucks you in missionary?” rafe asks, wanting to make you cum in the same position that topper couldn’t, proving yet another way he’s superior.

“yeah, we haven’t tried anything else.” you say, leaving out the word yet not sure if you can go back to topper after this.

rafe nods, looking towards his drawer that he knows contains condoms, going to grab one before you speak up suddenly, “you-you can fuck me raw. if you want. i’m on birth control.” rafe can’t help but smirk, nodding as he grabs the same pillow again, placing it under your hips, bringing your tired legs up, thighs falling open.

“tell me if it hurts or if anything doesn’t feel good.” rafe says. he’s sure it’s toppers' inadequacies making you struggle, but just in case he wants to take good care of you.

“mkay.” you nod, hands fisting in the bed sheets as rafe rubs the head of his cock through your sticky folds, making sure to tap against your clit, just to tease you even further.

“gonna fuck you so much better than he ever could. ‘ts why you should be with me instead, baby.” rafe says, not letting you respond or even think too much about his statement as his cock pushes inside of you, making your back arch off the bed.

“oh my god!” you shout out, moaning wildly without care as rafe begins to thrust, deep and hard, hitting spots inside of you that topper has never touched before.

“oh, fuck.” rafe groans out. “you are tight, baby.” your cunt is squeezing him, molding to his walls. “no wonder he cums so quickly.” you shake your head, not wanting to think about topper, not wanting to feel any guilt or regret as rafes hips swing forward, cock pressing against your gummy walls as he moves a thumb to your clit, rubbing it in that same enticing way that made your high build so quickly last time.

“feels really good, rafey.” you moan, raising and lower your hips slightly in time with his thrusts, forcing his cock even deeper inside of you, feeling his hot skin against yours, the first person to take you bare.

“i knew there was nothing wrong with you.” rafe smirks. “already close to cumming, aren’t you?”

despite your body being tired from your three previous orgasms, you do feel another one building in your stomach.

“yeah, thats what i thought.” rafe moves faster, rubbing his thumb more intensely. “nothing wrong with you baby, you are perfect. perfect tight little cunt.” “please.” you whine out, unsure what you are begging for as tears slide down your cheeks, purely from being overwhelmed with pleasure. you’ve never managed more than two orgasms in a night, and he’s close to doubling that.

“cum for me, doll. don’t have to beg. wanna feel that cunt squeezing around me.” rafe encourages you, pumping quickly as he pinches your clit between his thumb and finger before letting go and rubbing quickly, forcing the orgasm out of you as you scream, entire body tightening as your hips rise, high overtaking you as your eyes open to see rafe looking back at you, cocky look in his eye, but his jaw is slackened in pleasure as your cunt spasms around his dick.

“that’s it, good girl.” rafe affirms, thumb now gently touching around your clit, bringing you down slowly as his cock stays lodged deep inside of you.

you shiver as you lower your hips, breath slowly coming back to normal. 

rafe bends over your body, taking your lips in a kiss. you moan into his mouth, his tongue licking against your bottom lip before pushing into your mouth.

“you just came on my cock, pretty girl.” rafe says.

“i know, i loved it.” you hum, eyes sliding shut as rafe kisses your jaw, obsessed with the taste of your skin almost as much as your cunt.

“hmm, so two more? three?” rafe suddenly snaps his hips forward, making you realize he’s still buried inside of you.

“wait, wha-” your question is cut off as rafe straightens, resuming his same pace as if he didn’t just deliver you the most mind blowing orgasm.

“you think i’d be satisfied with getting you to cum just once?” rafe tsks and shakes his head. “we aren’t even close to done.”

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