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whirligig-girl · 9 months

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Character design and step-by-step process for my Torchship Commission. It involved character design, posing, starship art, rendering, and a LOT of work. This is, so far, my biggest and best commission yet. I thought it might be interesting to look at how I went about drawing this.

Initial character design sketches to get the feel of the characters correct. I used more of a lower decks style especially in the eyes at this step, but they would be more detailed by the time i got to making the final drawing. I had to do Martin in color because of the psychic energy being in her head.

the actual line-art is pretty rough here. in retrospect a big part of that is simply the neck placement relative to the head. but that wasn't the point. the point is cool whispy aura/halo.

Iterating on the faces, putting them on bodies with relative heights Holmes is a career spacer and so very tall; Yureli is a martian, and martians are all very short. Also, I forgot Stevens' goatee, so that had to be added! The facial expression on Martin had to be changed to be more "bedroom eyes" as per client feedback. :P

note how Holmes' robot arm attaches to her spine down her back. The robot arm was not specified in the commission info, but I thought something that resembled a NASA rover robot arm, or maybe Canadarm, would be really cool and interesting.

Mockup with the sketch mostly finished. I was asked to lower Martin's ACER pistol to be more like a secret agent kinda pose.

And after more tweaks to placement and proportions and cleaning of lines, the finished sketch:

and then i realized I'd made a terrible mistake.

sorry i just noticed a bunch of technical errors in my previous sketch. this is so embarassing. i had to fix this. here's a fixed version

/joke.

Mary Gilham 32 was started on a separate project file. I started by tracing the basic proportions of the Mary Gilham from one of the reference renders I was sent, then I added a lot of the details. The warp rings were made by using the ellipse tool to construct the different pieces of the rings and move them into place; way better than freehanding it.

Now, I had procrastinated starting this project for a couple days, but by the time I actually got to working on it I could not stop. I had started the concept sketches at 2:44 PM and I finished the line-art and silhouette for the Mary Gilham at 10:48 PM. Job well done for the day, I went to bed.

And then got back out of bed because I couldn't sleep, lmao.

I finished the line-art for the characters, and the silhouettes.

and finally, at 1:00 in the morning, I sent this full color unshaded drawing and. surely i went to bed right?

...I sent this at 2:00 AM.

yeah my brain was broken. i spent another hour rendering the rocket. I considered just using the CGI render by Holly, but the visual mismatch would have been pretty bad. Plus, I like how I did the Cerritos in Guzcomic, still looking both metallic and realistically lit but also storybook kinda feel. The sunlight shading was simple enough, but making the self-illuminated parts of the ship shine was really cool. The glowing bits use a combination of normal blend modes and blurred Screen blend modes on top of the line-art layer to look a little like bloom. I'm not fully happy with the radiator illumination, it looks a little on the unconvincing side, but the radiator emissive glow looks great, and the illumination coming from the cloak ring and the warp rings looks great. By the way, the red glowing end-caps which look like star trek's bussard collectors are just big warning lamps indicating a radioactive nuclear or antimatter rocket. The nacelles are rocket tanks and engines; the warp drive is one of the big rings.

THEN i went to bed, for real this time.

In the morning all that remained was to add the flags on their shoulders and do the final shading/rendering on the crew.

[redacted spoilers about shading a really interesting texture]

and finally I finished the job. There were a few touches I saved for last, like rim highlighting from the engines on the characters, and colored reflections from each other's uniforms, but that didn't take too long. Oh, and Martin got her psychic energy being in the last hour too. Overall I worked from 11:00 AM to 1:00 PM that day.

The final drawing has some easter eggs to look out for that would never appear in the format of a podcast thumbnail. So feel free to zoom in and look around. I like placing little easter eggs and visual gags in my art. :)

DM me for commission info. I need money to survive!

#commission #art #digital art #drawing #painting #Torchship #Torchship Podcast #Torchship: Forbidden Space #Spaceship #Cosmonaut

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kinnspocketporsche · 2 years

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thank you;

analysis for me is a double edged sword. frankly, it usually does me more harm than good.

so yeah - i can hardly believe i made this blog. i could analyze and overanalyze just about any show; as a lit major and a psychology major, i'm built for digging up meaning out of anything humans created. but i haven't bothered with that for years. it hasn't been worth my time or, more importantly, my very limited energy.

the thing about art is that there are always going to be patterns that those consuming it could pick up on, and the thing about analysis is that it's largely about finding patterns and putting some sense into them. it drives me up the wall when i notice patterns only to realize they were unintentional and that seeing them does nothing more than highlight inconsistencies and plot holes.

if a creator isn't at least somewhat intentional about the patterns they build, any significance given to those patterns means nothing.

i thought KinnPorsche would be the same as all the other unfulfilling shows i've watched. it's why i didn't make this blog until episode 9. i didn't expect it to pull me back into fandom discussions. i didn't expect it to drag analysis from my head to my fingers and into words on a screen. i didn't expect to end up feeling like a slightly different person than who i was when i started watching.

the thing about art is that it can change you when it's done well, when it's done right, when it's done with care. i can't say i've never felt it before - i've read enough literature for some of it to have touched me - but never to this degree.

i've talked to a couple of people about this, but one of the many things KinnPorsche gets so right is the way it expresses the experience of being an outsider. a lot of literature focuses on that, too, but sometimes you have to dig so deep just to get a glimpse - with KinnPorsche, it's everywhere. it's right at the surface. it's in your face. it's deep in the woodwork, too, and if you want to dig deeper, you can - you can see theme of characters in unfamiliar environments, you can see how abuse isolates a person, you can see how socioeconomic status can make certain relationships a luxury - but you can feel it even without analyzing any of that. it's a key part of what makes the show feel so inherently and honestly queer.

that sense of being an outsider is so intentional in this show i can taste it. i'd bet my life savings on it. that intention is so important to me. it's such a comfort. i can't articulate as well as i want, but it's why i've rewatched each episode more times than i could track and it's why i've spent hours writing out analysis posts and it's why my brain has latched on to these characters so firmly that it's physically hurting me to think about letting them go.

i love the creators of KinnPorsche for this, i really do. producers, directors, actors - literally anyone else who's been involved. i want to thank them for consistently demonstrating that the patterns i (and other fans) have picked up on have meaning. i want to thank them for seeing and showing how painful it is to live on the outside. i want to thank them for saying all that and going even a step further, to say very firmly that outsiders can be happy.

and i'm not a sappy person i swear it but i really do need to thank the other fans. i am sorry to anyone who messaged me or reached out and got an awkward response, i probably should've warned y'all that i am bone tired of overthinking my words into being something perceived as normal. i didn't come here planning to find community but i got it anyway and i am so grateful. no matter how many times we messaged, if you sent me one DM or 10, if we interacted through tags or anonymous asks or reblog responses or likes or anything else - being here has made me happy because of you. thank you to every follower and every fanfic writer and to all of my fellow meta writers who have set the bar higher than i thought was possible. i have truly enjoyed being here.

i've enjoyed it so much that i am genuinely going to be devastated when it ends. i hope to stick around after and i hope that others will as well, for more KPTS talks, for fanfiction maybe, for discussions about other shows and art, but there's a chance i'll be silent for a period of time after this episode - the last episode - airs. i'm feeling things more strongly than i should, i know i am, but somehow i don't think i'm alone in this emotion that is almost like grief.

so i'll end on this note: please, everyone take care of yourselves today and this week and so on. drink water - i mean it! - eat at regular times and try to get some sleep. don't isolate and if you absolutely can't avoid it, don't do it for too long. my inbox and DMs will, as always, be open. send me questions, hug requests, all-caps screaming if you want.

see y'all on the flip-side ✌️

— winnie

#winnie's words #kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #kpts #kpts ep 14 #kinnporsche episode 14 #kp ep 14 #this show just means something to me 🤷‍♂️#kp cast #kinnporsche cast #kpts cast

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theoutsiders25 · 2 years

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I adore Guns N' Roses with my entire heart and soul. They mean more to me than I could ever make anyone understand. I would die for my gorgeous, dearly beloved Slash 💘. He is the love of my life. I adore him and quite literally worship the ground he walks on. I've been obsessed with other things before, and even had other celebrity crushes, but I've never experienced anything like my GnR obsession. It is the most fun one I've had yet. And I've never felt the same way about any other celeb guy as I do Slash 😍.

The first time I heard the name "Guns N' Roses" was in 4th grade, when I was in a play of The Jungle Book at my local Arts Center. Welcome To The Jungle was our curtain call song. I heard the name of the group behind it, but it meant nothing. But somehow, someway, I remembered that plain as day...and that's eerie, because however many years later, I'm a diehard, obsessive fan.

However, I've only been obsessed with them since May. I even remember the very day and setting in which I realized and began my obsession with them. I was with my best friend and we were watching the Paradise City music video. I even remember it was sometime after 8 that night.

I was so skeptical at first because of all the stories and rumors about what bad boys they were. For a long time, I adored them, but never in a good conscience. That's gone away now, and I'm all in. But they were such a fun band to love, their music was epic, and I'd lost my heart to Slash completely. Once I fell, there was no looking back.

That was also in a particularly terrible time for me. At the peak of a time in which I was really struggling, I was also brand new to GnR. Their music, as well as them in general, was such a comfort to me. Especially Don't Cry. When I would break down and cry- bawl, even- I would remember those words. "Don't you cry tonight, there's a Heaven above you, baby." Hearing those words sung by a voice I so dearly loved truly encouraged me, and helped me to look up. I genuinely, truly believe that. Call me crazy, call me whatever. But that band, and that song in particular, helped see me through. I believe that with all that I am.

I've gotten to love them more and more every day. Oh, the HOURS I've spent listening to their songs, looking at them on Pinterest, or just thinking about them. It's insane.

My top 10 favorite songs by them are, in this order: My Michelle, Paradise City, Mr. Brownstone, Dust N' Bones, Double Talkin' Jive, Welcome To The Jungle, Don't Cry, Rocket Queen, Estranged, and November Rain. (I'm sure about the first nine, but the 10th alternates a lot. Right now, it's November Rain.) I'd love to hear some of your favorites 💛.

Yes !! I know what you mean I would literally die for them too . I’ve been obsessed with all kinds of celebs and bands but nothing can EVER compare to the boys ! Idk something about them just caught my eye and I went into a deep dark rabbit hole of learning about them . And I’ve been in love ever since !!

That’s so cool that , that was y’all’s curtain call song ! That is really eerie !! Similar story I believe it was 4th grade aswell or 5th not for sure but me and my friend dressed up as slash and axl I was slash and she was axl and I never thought anything about it until this year and literally just fell in love with them !!

Holy cow mine started around then to that’s so weird !! I really don’t remember how mine started I believe maybe watching 80s music videos. I was going thorough some shit when I first started listening to the band and honestly their songs can get you through some tough shit . Just something about hearing axls vocals with slash’s solos , Izzy’s rhythm, duffs bass , and stevens drums it just lights a fire in me and makes me the happiest person in the world . Omg don’t even talk about the hours gosh it probably be half my lifetime lol the pictures oh the picture I could do it for days the amount of pictures I have saved to my gnr Pinterest pin is insane !!!

Oh man that’s so hard to choose from I LOVE all of the songs !!

But if I had to go in order for right now my favorites would probably be you could be mine , nightrain, mr brownstone, don’t cry ,paradise city ,14 years ,double talkin jive , it’s so easy, dust n bones , but there’s so many more it’s just so hard to pick !!

I love those boys so much don’t know what I’d do without them and don’t know where I’d be ✨💕

Thank you so so much for the ask I really appreciate it when I get asks from all of my followers it really makes my day !! Thank you for sharing this 💕

#guns n roses #izzy stradlin #axl rose #slash #asks are always appreciated #answered asks #send asks #thank you 😊#duff mckagan #steven adler #@guns-n-jovi

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keefwho · 6 days

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April 22 - 2024 Monday

11:40pm

6.5/10

I woke up at 3am last night with tummy cramps but they went away. This morning I shaved my body and had my stomach issues peak. For breakfast I just made a small soup and watched Moral Orel. I decided to stream.

On stream I warmed up with horses, trying to focus on head shape. I worked on the dreadful Venus commission for an hour and then finished the example for my Sparkle On YCH in 30 minutes. I ended early to sort out the YCH stuff and work on my own idea I had. I tried joining TK and friends while I did my idea but I really needed to focus to get it done in time. I made a 3d Earth Day turntable animation of DS's and I's horses, I thought it came out really well and I learned new things about Blender. It was such a joy to work on, I spent nearly 3 hours on it and worked through lunch.

In the afternoon I did the request which came out good while I hung out with BR while she played Minecraft. When I was done, I figured I'd take the rest of the afternoon off since I did all that work earlier and it also sorta counted for friend art AND world creation which is what I was supposed to do today. Instead I hopped on Minecraft for a little bit, and then Roblox horses. I also re-instated my AD on Twitter with the idea of keeping it exclusive this time and with the purpose of re-integrating with my sexuality and interests. Its MY place to exercise debauchery as I wish.

When DS was free we called and watched a little furry content before my therapy appointment.

I had a LOT to say to the therapist, a lot of journal entries had accumulated for him. But we got through it and he reassured me that the way I've been looking at/handling things is healthy so I'm on the right track. My homework is to make a conversation with someone IRL, probably at the store when I go to get drinks.

After therapy I played JD with DS. I changed my profile to fit the 80s girl because I love her design. I liked the Hoss Delgado look I had too but this is just different. I clipped my nails before DS got in bed. We did our puzzles, read a few Monster High chapters, and I saved China for the second time in Kingdom Hearts 2. After she fell asleep I got up to some shenanigans which is why I'm up late.

#journal #diary

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purplesurveys · 4 months

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1785

Do you know a James? I have a second cousin named James! He lives in New Zealand, though, and only visits home every few years. I first met him when he was a few weeks old, then the next time he was already like 10. I haven't seen him again since and I'm guessing he'll be in college or whatever the third time they come back to the Philippines.

Have you ever been to Australia? If not, would you like to? I haven't and I'd love to, but tbh it's also not really at the top of my list. I'm not really sure what I'd want to see/experience there.

Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? Haven't been diagnosed but I'm sure I have one or two hanging out in my head lol.

If you had to choose to have a different accent than the one you have now, what accent would you choose and why? Idk, I'm fine with the accent I have.

New York or California? New York, easily.

Have you ever or do you currently live in a Gated Community? I do and always have.

Who was your last text from? An incredibly late automated OTP that I don't even need anymore.

Do you know how to use a DSLR camera? Yes, I owned one as a teenager. Tumblr made photography this super hip hipster thing in the early 2010s lol and it made me beg my dad to get me a DSLR camera, even though I didn't have a clue how to use one. Long story short I found photography boring and I ultimately passed the camera to my sister, who ended up as the one into arts.

If you had to choose one instrument to perfect, what instrument would you choose? Piano.

Have you ever owned an Axolotl? Nope.

What has been the longest amount of time you’ve spent on a plane? Bali was around 4 hours. As much as I'd love to travel the rest of the world, those 20+ hour flights PLUS LAYOVERS sound dreadful.

How often do you use Snapchat? Whoa. I haven't used Snapchat since college, around 2017ish. I remember Angela and I trying to bring it back when the pandemic had *just* started but it didn't catch on.

What does your last text say? It's just an automated message that sent me an OTP.

Have you ever played Habbo? I saw the ads like a million times but never played it.

What about Runescape? Nope.

Have you ever heard of the band Mumford & Sons? If yes, do you like their music? I have, but I've never heard anything of theirs.

Have you ever kissed anyone starting with the letter A, C, N, T or K? No.

Have you ever used Valium before? I have not.

What time is it where you’re from? 11:39 PM.

Have you ever adopted an animal from an animal shelter? Yes, Arlee was from PAWS.

Where do you usually find Surveys from? On my dash. I used to look for surveys on Bzoink, but there was a period this year where I couldn't take surveys for a couple of weeks and by the time I came back there were tons of new, interesting ones on my dash. Ever since then I've always just been playing catch-up on my feed and I haven't opened Bzoink in months now.

Australia or New Zealand? Tbh I'd rather save the money lolol I honestly don't know which one to pick and I don't find either worth the visa hassle. I guess if anything uh New Zealand? then go to the spots BTS visited from Bon Voyage hah.

Have you ever missed a flight? Never.

What is your best friend’s middle name? I'm not sharing that.

How do you feel about the passing of Aretha Franklin? I was shocked, but it didn't affect me heavily.

Did you enjoy any of her music? Can't say I was a passionate fan of her music. It's just not something I was regularly exposed to so I've been largely unfamiliar for the most part.

What is your favourite film from your childhood? Toy Story and it's still my favorite kids' movie.

Kanye West or Drake? If we're doing brutal honesty I'd go with Kanye but all the shit he's said and done equally cancels him out, so I'll go with Drake by default lol.

Do you know anyone who is named after a state? I used to work with a girl named Jersey, if that counts.

What was the reason for your previous doctor’s visit? Shots for a dog bite.

Have you ever been to an outdoor cinema? Nope. Too hot and too many flies LOL.

Have you ever had a “bad trip”? If yes, what happened? Idk if this even counts as one because I blacked out so quickly it was almost embarrassing, but what happened was I took a big puff of that cannabis vape thing after already having downed a ton of alcohol and the next thing I knew I was on my knees in the restroom and then finally carried back to my bed.

How often do you use Instagram? Everyday. I post at least one story a day; my in-feed posts are few and far between though and I only do posts if something super significant happens.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Yeah, a few times. It's not something I look for and I haven't done it since before the pandemic.

If so, do you still smoke? Nopes.

What are you up to tomorrow? It's my last working day before our office closes down for the holidays so while I'll be at work I'll be in a pretty damn jolly mood hahaha.

What type of questions do you like being asked during a survey? I like random questions that require more thought. It can be boring encountering what-color-is-your-blahblah all the time, and it also turns me away if questions are too hypothetical/philosophical.

Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey? Adam Sandler.

What is your favourite Ben Stiller movie? I don't have one.

What is your favourite Spotify playlist if you have one? I made a playlist called 'it's raining purple' which are essentially BTS tracks I think are perfect for when it's raining and I open my windows to let the colder air in.

Outside of playlists I've made, I have two favorites – one called 'the tannies love you' which compiles all of BTS' fan songs; and 'standing next to you' which is an SNTY-focused playlist mixed in with a bunch of Michael Jackson songs.

Firefox or Chrome? Chrome.

Do you enjoy learning about conspiracy theories? They're fun to read, yeah! You don't have to believe them; they're just stories to spice up what we already know hahaha. I was obsessed with the Avril Lavigne doppelganger case for a time.

If so, what is your favourite? ^ Oh, well that one.

Do you find hand tattoos attractive on your preferred sex? Depends on the tattoo design/style.

If you had a baby boy, what would you name him? I've always been indecisive about a main name, but I'd love for their second name to be Owen after Owen Hart.

What is your favourite Netflix original series? Is Black Mirror considered one? Let's go with that.

Have you ever owned a Tamagotchi? No, too expensive. I had bootleg ones which were just as fun :)

Do you have a favourite “survey blog” on Tumblr? If so, who? I like everyone! :) Would you rather be 10 minutes late or 20 minutes early? Depends on the situation. If it's a super super super big event with like 1,000 people and my presence doesn't matter, I'd honestly much rather be late. Otherwise I'm always early.

If you could be a member of any TV-Sitcom family, which would it be? Perfect Strangers. Would love to finally be fluent in Myposian.

Tell me about the 6th person in your contact list: College orgmate and ultimately became part of the same friend group in college. Haven't seen her in years. Terrific writer, loves cats, unfortunately shares the exact same music taste as my ex so I always shudder when she shares her song recos. Has curly hair, lives in the south, remains to be one of the few people genuinely interested in journalism and I respect her for that. Great sense of style. I miss Blanch!

Are you waiting for a text back right now? Nope.

Would you rather be able to control fire or water? Water.

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nicobaka · 3 years

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CLEARING UP AND EXPLAINING SOME THINGS THAT PEOPLE TEND TO MISUNDERSTAND ABOUT GRAY, JUVIA, AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP

(warning: spoilers. It's also gonna be some LONG ass shit lmao. Sorry for typos in advance)

I heard a lot of people hating Gruvia for things that they misunderstood (or just straight-up dismiss/ignore) about the ship, and so I thought I'd clear up and explain some of those here because I just think all this hate towards the ship is unnecessary especially when most of their reasons of why they hate the ship aren't really valid or reasonable.. I mean, yeah, you can dislike and hate it all you want, we all have different preferences. But the level of hate Gruvia gets for reasons that are already proven false and untrue is just unbelievable. Like people saying Gray is somehow "controlled" by Juvia, or that Gray has "Stockholm syndrome" when Juvia never even tried to kidnap Gray... And worse is when people start to spread misinformation and slander the ship, spreading hate and negativity towards the ship for reasons that are again, proven to be untrue.

[ GRAY'S BIG TSUNDERE ASS ]

Gruvia is not one-sided, it's just that Gray's a big frickin Tsundere and that he refuses to show affection, so he may come off as cold to her sometimes. Although later on he realized that he should accept his feelings for Juvia rather than pushing her away and trying to run away from his own feelings before he regrets it, so now he has become less of a Tsundere and is trying to become a better person for her (but still a Tsundere lmao)

[ GRAY'S PAST AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMA ]

Gray does not dislike nor hate Juvia, even from the very beginning after they just met. Hell, even right after their fight in their first meeting. After their first actual meeting, Gray even helped her, saved her, made her happy, and even smiled with her. He wouldn't have done all that if he disliked her. He wouldn't have said he has no problem with Juvia joining the guild if he disliked her. He wouldn't hang around with Juvia inside and even outside the guild if he disliked her. He wouldn't have worried and felt bad about her not passing the exam of he disliked her. He wouldn't have carried her running away from danger even though she already said she can run away by herself if he disliked her. He wouldn't have agreed to going out with Juvia, which clearly meant as a date to her, if he disliked her. He wouldn't have lived with her for half a year if he disliked her. He would have agreed with Juvia leaving him alone if he disliked her, but instead he hugged her, thanked her, and cried on her arms. He wouldn't have sacrificed himself for her safety if he disliked her.... I can go on and on for hours with this honestly. But the point is, he clearly doesn't dislike nor hate Juvia. He even said he's grateful for having Juvia always by his side.

It's just he didn't wanna get too attached to her. He has always thought ever since as a child that it's his responsibility / fault whenever someone he cares for dies. He blames himself for it, consciously or unconsciously, and puts the burden upon himself. He feels like whenever he gets too attached to someone, they would leave him and when that happens it'll be his fault. That's the reason why he seemed cold to her sometimes, it's that he doesn't wanna get too attached to her, afraid that she would just leave him like the others...

"I'm going to avenge my mother and father!"

"I wasn't... able to do anything..."

"It's your fault, Gray." (Lyon)

"It's my fault that Ul died 10 years ago"

"No matter how much time pass, it won't change the fact that it's my fault Ul's dead!"

"I lost both mother and daughter..."

Him trying to push Juvia away by being cold to her is most likely something he did unconsciously, since he himself wasn't really sure about his feelings for her and having the fear of loosing his loved ones before, at least when it was just starting. But as we already know, his attempt of trying to not get too attached to her wasn't successful. It didn't have any chance of being successful to begin with since the reason why he didn't want to get too attached to her and why he had developed the fear of loosing her in the first place is because he's already attached to her from the beginning. He was the one to save her, worries about her a lot, cares for her, protects her, and spends a lot of his time with her, which made him even more attached to her. Which explains his expression at that one recent official Gruvia art which some fans didn't like... He looks like he feels like he shouldn't fall in love with Juvia, but he really just can't help it.

And when it actually almost happened, when Juvia almost killed herself for him, it finally became clear to him what he feels about her, and he realized that it was stupid and cowardly for him to try and avoid Juvia and his very own feelings, because of his damned childhood trauma. He could've lost all the chances he had with her forever, with all those efforts she spent on him all be put in vain. And now that he realized this, that doesn't make the fear of loosing her disappear. It can't be erased just like that. But instead of avoiding, hiding, and keeping his feelings like before, he's trying to improve and be a better person for her that can protect her no matter what.

[ THE LOVE POTION THINGY IS NOT CANON ]

The episode about Juvia buying potions made her look bad for some fans. It was not in the Manga. It's not canon. The part where Lucy expected Natsu to confess (which was seen in the same episode) is canon, since it is from the Manga. But the part where Juvia buys love potion and uses it to try and get Gray is not in that chapter, nor is it in any chapter in the manga, meaning it's not canon and is an anime-only part. Well personally I found it quite funny, but some fans really hated Juvia on that one.

[ JUVIA IS NOT A YANDERE B*TCH ]

I saw a lot of people referring to Juvia as a "yandere" and portraying Juvia as such.. Juvia is NOT a yandere girl who will kill you if you reject her and shit. If anything, she's the opposite. She can NEVER hurt Gray. She'd rather kill herself than hurt Gray. When she thinks she's making Gray uncomfortable, she immediately apologizes. When she thought she disrespected Ul's death anniversary by saying it should be a happy day for Gray because it's their anniversary (she didn't know it was Ul's death anniversary at first), she felt very sorry and disappointed in herself. The reason she couldn't approach him at the start was because she didn't want to make him and his friends uncomfortable, and because she isn't used to socializing with other people (add the fight with Phantom Lord which caused the guild a lot of trouble, plus how people always disliked and pushed Juvia away). Basically, Juvia has, or at least had social anxiety. At first, she couldn't approach Gray because she was extremely nervous. Juvia also wasn't as bold as she is now towards Gray at the start, she was shy and was shown to even stutter a lot trying to express her thoughts to Gray and the guild members. Yeah, she becomes extremely mad when someone threatens Gray's life, but that's just like Natsu being mad when someone threatens to kill Lucy. Or Gray being mad when someone threatens Erza's life. Or Mira being mad when someone threatens her siblings lives.. But Juvia didn't even actually kill Meredy (the one who did threaten to kill Gray), but instead even became friends with her! A yandere would do the total opposite. I think that if Gray ever rejects her, she wouldn't even be mad at him, but would probably be very depressed and think a lot about what she did wrong.. She was even willing to give up on him in Tartaros Arc, when she had to kill Gray's father, she thought she doesn't deserve to love him anymore after what she did so she was willing to finally give up and leave him alone... When yanderes are the kind of people who'd go as far as to kill every other person close to you just so they can have you for themselves...

But Gray himself does not want her to leave. Even though he seems annoyed with how Juvia is clingy towards him and all that, in reality, he doesn't want her to leave. He hugs her and says "thank you" to Juvia for being the one to "kill" Silver, saving his father and finally letting his father rest in peace, so that Gray didn't have to kill his father himself. Silver himself wanted to die and even thanked Juvia for that so I don't really understand why people hate her because of it. And if Gray disliked or hated Juvia, he definitely would have agreed about her leaving him alone.

The main reason why Juvia acts like this is because she's trying to show her love for others that she wasn't able to show before, since she was always rejected, avoided, disliked, and even hated by others. She's always pushed away by others. So now that someone (Gray) didn't push her away and showed care for her, she didn't want to miss the opportunity of finally feeling loved and being able to share her love.

And Gray, together with the guild, accepted her. She wants to feel loved and accepted, so she's trying all her best to not be seen as someone gloomy or unlikable that others used to think she is. She does things that she thinks would make them happy, she does things that she thinks would make them accept her. But since she never really knew how to interact with other people before she joined the guild, and the people she used to be with were toxic as hell, she comes off as awkward sometimes. But she's growing, together with Gray and the guild, she's growing.

[ THE LOVE RIVAL" THING IS JUST FOR COMIC RELIEF AND WAS NEVER SERIOUS ]

She may say "Love Rival!!" when someone's getting close to Gray, but it's only put as comic relief and she was not actually serious about it. Even Lucy, the one whom she always calls her "rival", never took it seriously. If Lucy did, she would have never approached Gray ever again, or hated Juvia for it. If Juvia was really serious about her so called "threats", they would have kicked her out of the guild long ago. Plus, she may act like that, but in reality, she cares for and is willing to sacrifice for her friends, including Lucy. And Lucy herself knows that. Even Gray knows when she's just joking around and even called her out for joking at serious times.

It's sad that people say that they are concerned about Gray and Juvia "forcing" herself into him when they don't really actually think about and consider what Gray is actually feeling towards her.. Gray loves her, she loves Gray. Just let them be happy. Gray has lost too much, at least let him enjoy being with Juvia.

Anyways, I'M NOT FORCING YOU TO LIKE THE SHIP, WE ALL HAVE PREFERENCES. But I'm just trying to make you understand both characters, their relationship and development a little more. Well, this is mainly just from my perspective tho. Especially with all the hate this ship gets and how misunderstood both characters are and the things they do. And if you got to this part, thanks for reading all of this lmao this is my first time posting something like this in Tumblr, I hope it wasn't that confusing.

#fairy tail #fairy tail anime #fairy tail manga #fairy tail 100 years quest #fairy tail official art #fairy tail ships #gray fullbuster #juvia lockser #gruvia #hiro mashima

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samtheflamingomain · 3 years

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25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#rehab #alcoholism #alcohol tw #sam #recovery #sobriety

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af1899 · 3 years

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FEH - update notes [5.10.0] + thoughts and reactions

So, I.S. posted the release notes for the Fire Emblem Heroes 5.10.0 software update with quite the delay, but you can see them here.

I'll comment on each point of interest right below, skipping on less relevant stuff Imo.

Tfw you were saving for the merge but it'll come at you for free the same month

I was planning to save for Halloween Kagero (and use the opportunity to perhaps get a merge on either/both Halloween Myrrh/Mia) but her first merge is literally coming my way with enough participation in events and I'm excited to get it of course, I'm definitely gonna work my way through it. My plan now is to summon all but blue in her rerun banner in the first round, then wait for whatever banner could be of my interest before deciding if I wanna keep trying... at least this free merge will help me...

If you're looking to fodder her, she has [Bottle Juice+] (always active [Guard] positive effect) or [Bold Fighter 3] as noteworthy fodder, you'd probably prefer the former since it's seasonal and somewhat useful, but the latter is also great.

This time, both 5★ [Combat Manuals] are seasonals, the other is Halloween L'Arachel who has a bunch of nice fodder options, I'm taking [Madness Flask+] (grants same effect as [Fury 3]) and [Rally Atk/Spd+] as I think they are among her best comboes (as for who will get those, it's been decided to be Female Robin... I don't really like at all the Lv.2 {Tactic} effect and I'd daresay Cecilia is better for colorless/blue checking overall, so I'll delegate that role to her and do something else with Female Robin... who should start to get some premium skills), but should you need to plan ahead who needs some of her skills, she has the mentioned ones plus [Swift Sparrow 2] and [Spd/Res Ruse 3].

You may also be able to get that Young Innes, a good practice is to save all {Divine Codes: Ephemera} of the month until no more are obtainable, then pick the [Combat Manuals] you need, otherwise you may be risking to lose one of the free 5★ ones or even the [Heroic Grails] one — which you shouldn't — but with active participation you should get something over 700 to get those.

The red refines batch

This time, everyone is only red, like... why? But at least, some units that have been waiting on those refines will finally get them, Soleil has sure been waiting for long, hasn't she? I'm not excited for her at all but I'm glad for her fans.

I'm moreso looking forward to Laevatein's refine, even though I don't have special admiration for her, she's still an interesting character indeed, I actually have her but never built her properly... and I'm glad I did wait this long since a refine should give me a better direction on how she should be built:

Bridal Tharja was also due her refine since she was the next seasonal with preference weapon waiting on a refine, next should be Summer Tana, which I'm hyped about!

I'm also curious about Julius too, sadly I foddered one of the free copies but I still have some around should I end up building him someday, hopefully his refine will give me a "oomph!" to get on it.

Wrapping things up

Gonna start to finish this post talking about this new feature, from the looks of it, the [Memento Events] (cinematics you watch to get [Rapport] and rewards) can be now obtained by choice using a specific resource that's locked to the current season of the [Heroes Journey] event, so you should use them before they vanish...

[Memento Events] can now be watched anytime, instead of when [Heroes Journey] is around.

I think this is a nice feature, it doesn't do much to improve the event's overall rating Imo, but it's nice that at least, I.S. allows us to somehow relive it anytime.

I realized I've never gave my opinion on this event... I'll rate it at 7.5/10, it's nice to have more interaction with our units, we can even hang out with our favorite character by bringing along [My Summoner] in a growing variety of sceneries, some of them being really heartwarming, but the rewards are slightly underwhelming barring [Orbs], and asides the cutscene stuff you have to partake in [Heroic Ordeals]-esque battles that cost [Stamina].

Aaanyway...

...Yes, I consider this part important, I'm still waiting to put "No Justice" (whichever version) from Fire Emblem Fates everywhere in the game, best track of the game hands down.

This is more important though:

...There'll be a maintenance period, we've been notified before I believe, neverthless, it doesn't hurt to add the periods here and remind you the game will be unplayable during this period, the seasonal banner comes the 7th.

Use this clock for reference... so you can have an idea of when maintenance starts; for me, it starts at 9 p.m. the 5th and ends the next day at 2 a.m. (PT is 4 hours behind GMT-3), it's likely we'll get the trailer in-between, and the update roll out at 8 p.m. (GMT-3) at the usual day before the banner, do note they don't say when the update will be out.

As for you, use said clock to determine what's the difference between the PT timezone and yours, then use that difference to go forward/back in the time periods that appear above.

For example, it's 10/1 11:50 p.m. in PT, and 10/2 3:50 a.m. in GMT-3, I can see there's a 4 hour difference, so I add 4 hours to each timestamp I.S. gives me: "10/5/2021 10:00 p.m." in PT is "11/5/2021 2:00 a.m." in GMT-3. (The date format in my country is DD/MM/YYYY but normally I'll use the American format here, to avoid confusing the English-speaking community)

The update details are now in the bulletin board in-game but figured you could keep this advice for the future, the in-game notices already convert the timestampts to your timezone.

In any case, that's all for this post and I hope the info here has proven to be helpful to you!

Btw... I just spent 4 [Orbs] on [Performing Arts] revival banner (had a circle with three red stones, 1 colorless and 1 green, chose the latter first then the former) and got nothing special on either, just some random low rarity units... meh, I'll just keep saving.

#feh #fe heroes #fire emblem heroes #refines

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xanderwithanx · 3 years

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Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

#long post #diary entry

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batch83 · 4 years

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Well done, you!

An LSE Journey Essay

Looking deep into ourselves to find our real motivation can be hard especially when everything around us have been going by in a blur. Our true purpose, should we ever find it early, tend to get lost somewhere between making a living, paying the bills, raising kids and running a hundred different errands. Before you know it, you're well into your middle age and wondering where did the last 10 years go. It is in this age that I started to question what my endgame is.

I was born in the North to Ilocano parents, raised in Metro Manila and educated in both private and government institutions. I majored in Architecture but majority of my work is in another discipline. For the past 13+ years in Singapore, I worked, and mostly enjoyed, working in Civil Engineering specifically in Geotech where we do a lot of underground works for tunnels and transport structures. Such a badass feeling for a female to actually do this in a predominantly male field! I left the Philippines not because there was a pressing need to provide. On the contrary, I have a stable but boring job in the city. I was surprised when I got the call from a foreign headhunter that, at the prospect of new adventures and since there's nothing to lose (they paid for all the expenses anyway), I relented and went along to see where'd I'd end up. Fortunately, fate has been good.

Being a migrant worker for most of my youth can be quite unsettling. I have all the time in the world in a new environment full of possibilities, earning a decent disposable income and not saddled with pressing responsibilities. When you're new in a foreign land, the allure of all things shiny are very tempting. It's these times that I went on a spree, a moderate one by standard, but to an Ilocano it's a spree nonetheless. Year in and out, I accumulated stuff that I liked and like to share with my family. But as my belongings grew and lugging them from one rental house to the next becomes harder, I thought "there must be more to gain in living here than this".

Enter social media.

I spent numerous hours scrolling, clicking and just wasting time away but it's an upside that I saw an A-LSE sponsored seminar on one of the shared posts. At this point I'm already indoctrinated in the concept of financial management by another OFW (also an admirable Fin-Lit and Social Enterprise advocate) and seeing the A-LSE program page with all the bright faces of the students, my curiosity was piqued. What is this group that makes people come together and learn new stuff to improve themselves? The FOMO (fear of missing out) is strong and I had to join in on the fun. I finally got in a year after putting my name down on the waiting list.

And so, the grind begins.

The program started with self-introspection -- who are you, what makes you get up in the morning, what's your mission -- its wading at the rubbish and finding the bits that radiate sunshine. It's the equivalent of doing the Marie-Kondo in your life and removing the clutter.

As a parent, my goal is to give my child the tools and opportunities that will enable him to achieve good things in life. Not great, but good. I can only lead him to the starting line, I will leave it up to him to finish it in ways he sees fit. Of course, to be able to do that I will need the financial capacity to provide for his primary needs but also to be there emotionally to support and guide him in his decisions. My goal is to show him the dignity in working and the joy of doing good, to impart the values I've learned from my parents, to have fun and appreciate the arts.

As a sibling, my goal to help them finish their tertiary education has been fulfilled. My siblings are now enjoying their chosen professions and has now embarked on new pursuits to ascend to the next level. Next is to help them map out their financial plans for the future -- that's a tactic to make them financially independent and not borrow money from me.

As a daughter, my goal is to see my parents enjoy the latter years of their lives and to help them come into terms that they need to step back and let their children take on the responsibilities on managing their estate.

As a person, my goal to become an instrument of change in however small way I can manage. Running for public office seems the easiest route but as I have no death wish and plan to live a longer-ish life, that's a no-go for me.

My goal is to achieve financial independence in the next decade, to establish my own enterprise, have enough to sustain my health coverage and retirement in the later years and leave a worthy legacy to my family. Lastly, I want to travel every year or every other year to places that are culturally rich and ‘gram worthy.

The 10 sessions have brought immense knowledge and insight about the core competencies of the LSE program. Journals have been written to provide a deeper insight for each session.

For Leadership, I find Tina Liamson's lecture on Migration & Principles of Leadership enlightening. The most fascinating has got to be from Dr. Juan Kanapi's Appreciative Inquiry. This is the first time I've heard of it and it's quite difficult to grasp the idea and can be easily confused with positivity. But at the end, It shows that if practiced AI is not just mind tricks but a powerful tool in realising your full potential.

The best lectures for Financial Literacy are the split sessions of Vince Rapisura and Edwin Salonga. (Edwin's lecture is about Social Entrepreneur but I remembered a lot more on his lecture about Finances, hence…) Who knew studying finance concepts could be this good? And most definitely not boring! I now have a deeper understanding about managing my finances better and learning that my current insurance is shit, which I really need to rectify soon. I can't tell you enough how the things I've learned from these wonder duos are gold. Call me by any other name (read: biased), but Ed's lecture is my most favourite of the lot.

The Social Entrepreneurship sessions have the most gravitas for these lectures carry the main core of the program. They're not all boring, mind you, but can be a bit challenging. The lectures on this series provided many useful tips for future entrepreneurial endeavors and is a big help in formulating our business plan. Other insights for the SE series can be read here and here.

At every journal writing, I try to reflect on what I've learned and think of ways to apply them in my daily life. Most often I find things and events that need to be tweaked or heavily redesigned in order for it to be aligned with my future goals. Most pressing of these are the consolidation of my assets and liabilities, and making a clear plan on mapping out my finances that will include my son's future education. The next point is to work on myself and how I carry myself as a leader starting at home. What better place to practice than to apply these learning in the household first? Hopefully, I will be able to improve my inability to forge meaningful connections to people by the time I have to build my own enterprise. I am not aspiring to be Miss Friendship, I'm ok with Miss Effective Boss or even Miss Influencer-For-The-Greater-Good. Tall order, I know, but we're allowed to dream and dreaming is free.

Joining the program made me realise the answer to my question, "So what happens now?"

During my first few years as a migrant worker, my goal is to save so I can buy gadgets to connect me home. After having a mobile phone, a laptop and the ability to call home any time, ano na? As I enter my 14th year of being a migrant, I've somewhat been able to achieve the things I hoped for. Not the millions of dollars in bank account **fingers crossed**, but a comfortable life. But that restlessness persists. Learning that there are available avenues to pursue these in the Philippines is a big help in making me step into the right direction closer to the things I wanted to become. Programs like these give hope. With that, I realise that there is more I can do back home than where I am currently at. I have the knowledge; I can share it -- starting with a small group of like-minded people who are willing to help themselves. Acquiring and sharing knowledge is free so I may as well start with that.

All the sessions have been audio recorded and kept in a cloud that I shared with family members. Many of the things Dr. Kanapi said are the things I so want to say to my father. Sharing it is just a click away, let him hear it straight from the board-certified horse's mouth.

I also plan to lead the residents in our small sitio towards a better understanding of financial management which can be instrumental in their livelihood. These people have been known in the family for decades. They have worked alongside our grandparents in tilling the land and their children continues to do so. While there have been advancements in their lives, I believe there is more to be done -- better education for their children/grandchildren, opening bank accounts, accessing government programs, using tech etc. I am excited to share with them the different concepts we have learned in the program, and also a good training ground for me to improve my leadership skills.

I highly commend the A-LSE program for striving to make the Filipino Migrant Workers' quest for relevancy and better lives. Much appreciation to A-LSE founding Team and the current secretariat who makes it run smoothly. The past month has been very trying but everyone has been great in providing feedback and extending their hands. For that, a big Salute! to everyone -- for the team and the speakers who traverse the globe every year.

As a program alumnus, I will most definitely uphold the values of the LSE in the best way that I possibly can. Sadly, my physical involvement with the LSE will not extend to the volunteer work for the next batch as I have made plans for the next year that will make it impossible to fulfill my duties on the site . However, I am willing to extend my skill/expertise in whatever way I can as long as it is done remotely.

Thank you, A-LSE.

Congratulations, Batch 83!

2019 will be remembered as the year I turned another leaf over.

#ALSE Singapore #My LSE Journey #ALSE Batch 83 #Ateneo OF-LIFE

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