#keeping it together with COVID

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying #shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl #in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated #bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not #her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet #so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive #personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd #compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from #happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is #like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil #not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am #barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me #and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them #but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and #thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard #to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds #nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of #brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but #that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer #defying the stats but for how much longer? #i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it #i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else #excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things #unrelated #ed mention #i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama #bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]

[finalgirlsamwinchester]

hi everyone.......kinda mia bc i've been really ill...........will be back to my old annoying self soon......

#keep fighting the good fight (incessant samposting)................love u all dearly......... #barely keeping it together here!! bedbound 90% of the day and typing hurts #long covid/MECFS is a BITCH also #doubly awful when u live alone and have no real support network #j.txt

[magicbats]

it was my birthday today :>

#25... #covid completely warped my perception of time i do not feel 25 #my bf and i spent the day together which was v nice #spending the rest of my night playing ts2 #i hope u guys are having a lot of fun with the new ts4 pack and infants! #their little fat rolls are so cute #im gonna get the pack eventually and keep playing the rue legacy but idk when that'll be lmao #im working on getting a queue together with ts2 posts soon so be on th elook out #eliposting

[astrogenica]

people claim to understand that progress isn't linear and recovery can take a long time until it becomes personally inconvenient to them and then you're just a stupid lazy bastard to them no matter how you behaved before you became outwardly sick or how hard you've been trying to get better. and i will be mad about that forever

#text post #vent #venting #vent post #chronic illness #mental illness #progress is not linear #recovery takes time #ive only been diagnosed and trying treatments for my autoimmune disease for 1yr #ive been sick for closer to 5 #i just got covid for the second time in january and its fucked up all the progress #that i was making #and now rather than try to support me through a major setback #everyone is acting like i just dont have my shut together and im not trying #meanwhile i am doing my best to keep up when walking a single flight of stairs is still hard for me #and there are very few people who meaningfully recognize how hard this is for me #i used to work three jobs while going to school full time seeing my family frequently #AND having a social life and maintaining my ltr #now im married yeah but i only do one wfm full time job barely engage with my hobbies #see my family and friends infrequently and tbh barely leave my house #and its not for any lack of wanting to #its because i CANT #and even fewer people are making am efforts to accommodate me #so i force myself to occasionally go out and see people #and then need to recover for two weeks #and they dont even appreciate how HARD it is #so much of the effort disabled put into their interactions with abled or just differently #disabled loved ones goes completely unnoticed because its expected as the bare minimum another can do #but rhe bare minimum to them is the absolute best you yourself can give #and nobody cares

[branloaf]

shoutout to all the homies with christmas covid (a lot of us apparently)

#why do i keep getting positive covid tests on significant dates #and of course cosmically it works out that the year my brother and i are alone for christmas we both get it together

[cherrysnax]

trying not to post too much during the strike to keep focus on Everything but I need to get out of my head a lil

#took a gap year because school was killing me #then the year I wanted to go to college covid started and then since then I’ve been rotting in my room becoming more and more disabled #it’s. #going to be scary this year trying to undo all the damage and anxiety #meeting new people #trying to really act like a 23 year old #being a freshman in college at 23 was never my plan but I thought I was going to die at 19 #things have changed. I.. left a lot of people behind due to that thinking #and undiagnosed bpd #and it sucks. I keep having dreams abt hs and realizing that I was never alone #and im not alone now even though sometimes it feels like it #im taking my health into my own hands and actually trying to live instead of watching my life go by and it’s weird taking a front seat again #not in the did sense. I’ve had a pretty tight rein on the front for the last few years #but. im trying to be a person again. seeing myself as a person again #I uh. am 99 percent sure I have nerve damage. I have to talk to my pcp about it next time after the next few tests I take #and um wow. it really affects my hands and fingers #and as you all know me and my butch have a comic we’re working on together #I see as you know like ppl r actually gonna read this lmao fhdha well besides you. 👁️👁️ #jk sorry it that triggered anyone’s paranoia im just sillay. but yeah I uh #never have worked on something this long and this hard before PAUSE. And uh it means a lot to the both of us. we have so many comic ideas #but so far sys! is the one nearest and dearest to my heart and the idea that I won’t be able to draw it after spending years practicing #to get better and better uh hurts. I’d uh rather be in pain making the comic than live never making it #but it’s not just abt me in the end isn’t it. I miss people I used to know #random thought sorry. accidentally found someone I used to know in the wild and then it clicked after I followed them. felt like it would #be weird to take it back so now im just hoping im not recognized mostly out of. shame I guess. idk. I don’t remember things well #memory problems + bpd lying to me yknow. but uh. idk maybe these dreams and these feelings mean that in order to reach my dreams I have to l #like. honour the weird kid that I was and by doing that #I have to acknowledge that shit I abandoned everyone before they could abandon me. and maybe that’s just how I see it now #maybe no one actually gave a shit and I just faded out of existence for fun but avoiding things is how I ended up perpetually in my bedroom #barely able to stand and very scared of the world. how I ended up not improving at art for years because I was to scared to something difrnt

[peikonlainen]

I got sick and thought of this

#and I am doing better day by day #Thankfully I got 3 covid vaccines in my system to keep me alive #Now I go to bed #Need to get myself together and back in business #meaning random drawing shenanigans + trying to find a job #treasure planet #covid

[i-am-having-a-moment-here]

Can't wait for the announcement of Misha Collins' cameo in season 2 of Good Omens

#no as far as I know there are no rumors and of course zero evidence to support this believe #but remember the Be Super Good event? #where Misha Collins and Michael Sheen did a live event together and stated they hadn't known of each other before? #where Misha Collins and Michael Sheen stated they'd never met in person and only knew of each other for fandom-related reason? #this was in July 2020 my friends #when GO2 filming would be in process if not for covid #so the entire GO cast must have been aware this was a thing and sworn to keep it secret #am I clowning? #who knows #all I know is I don't trust them #they've trolled us so hard already #Misha Collins #season 2 #my stuff

[bookwyrminspiration]

tater and i have moved past the emotions and are going down unhinged memory lane for a moment but i WILL say this. kotlcblr in peak pandemic times changed so many people's lives for real. it was THE transitional period. and i may still be here but you and i and everyone all know it's different now... i've talked about it with so many friends. but it was!!!! so much!!! so many things were going on in all of our personal lives and something great was that it was very much a home to a lot of people and like. What We Needed at a time that we needed it, yk? where like. no one was obligated to talk about the things going on in real life but everyone was free to be silly and have fun. and if someone needed some help there was usually someone online to offer it. and then like people do when they grow up & out of something they moved away to bigger and different things with entirely different tones and themes and mediums with wildly bonking back and forth meters of writing quality. JUST LIKE AMPHIBIA i am holding your shoulders like. i am fully aware that the things that i have seen u watch are not nearly as simply animated as this and also that i wouldn't have watched it if not for my little siblings but that show has touched upon something so like. golden. like they Got It, whoever they are.the found family doesn't stay together forever! sometimes u have to grow and change and move away and never speak again but that doesn't mean that the love you had matters any less

It was! It was such an of the moment thing. Both because of the specific people, which is something that applies to this moment of keepblr now, and because of the situations we were all in? Because we were all (or almost all) young and undergoing this massive worldwide stressor with no real control over what our lives looked like--or at least that's how it felt. And so there was all this energy and unrest and comfort seeking that led to such strong involvement and connections with each other.

And then the world started repealing its restrictions and trying to move on (regardless of if it was smart to do or not) and so we had more going on irl again and weren't cooped up seeking connection. And then we were also getting older and so a lot of people joined other fandoms or left tumblr. Which is fine! it's just bittersweet to think about

Which!! Is just like amphibia. As for the style thing, I know I'd get over it and get used to it once I started I just. Haven't started. But everything I've heard about it has been very good! Especially cool to see comparisons to real life. Sometimes people are only part of your life for a brief part of it, and that time has to end and you'll miss it but you have to grow and move on. But it still mattered so so much, even though it ended. Maybe even because it's not like it used to be.

So so many thoughts, this is also making me think about irl friendships and such which is. oof!

#quil's queries #soryasongsaa #long post #thinking about my past best friends #because they're only ever temporary #oak and I were so close as kids until I moved away when I was five #and then I had virginia for a few years. but then I was in the gifted program and they wanted us to become close with /those kids/ #and we kinda drifted. but her mom and my mom were great friends so now I hear little updates about her through them #even though the most our moms do is follow each other on facebook now #i was at her baby brother's ceremony we came over for fry bread we met sitting next to each other on the bus we lived in the same apartment #and then mimi. we were inseparable until we went to different middle schools #where I met abby. we had every single class together in 6th grand and I got her into keeper and that was a /huge/ part of our friendship #but then we went to different high schools. and I was part of a group for a bit but then covid hit and I. did not keep up with anyone #so my partner has been my closest companion since 7th grade #though I'm. also not good at keeping consistent contact i'm bad at responding to messages #anyway. there is my friendship history for u guys I'm being way too open on the internet <3 #those are real names simply because they're common names and they're all very distanced from me now #so I don't think I'm putting anyone at risk

[clarissaexplainingitall]

"being so stressed cannot be good for your health" correct!!! holy fuck. would love some help navigating the path towards being Less Stressed because i too agree my state of being and migraine frequency would improve. unfortunately getting out of stressful situations is sometimes exponentially stressful, otherwise this would be easy

#the amount of times i have heard caringly 'we are worried about you' this week like yeah.... i'd be too #but also like i appreciate it and it is keeping me semi sane i just am like #it's one thing if it's friends giving space to deal with it all #and or like empathy support spending time etc #it's another if it's family who pivots into a lecture about how to construct my life in the future #or family who is like we can spend time together it'd help distract from the impact of covid on your life but also let's go to broadway #biting etc #this is why fic has taken yet another backburner again i s2g all my longfics are cursed #it's fine my birthday is soon and i'll be a less cursed age after that so shit is bound to improve

[3-aem]

Currently working my tiny lil artist ass off to prepare pieces for next week because I'm going on my hyper cursed vancouver trip the tags will contain the rant for how horrible the planning has been

#this trip literally been rescheduled once bc my friend caught covid #and then torn apart in planning and pieced together 50 different times #i keep finding these gorgeous beautiful back country trails #AND THEY'RE ALL FUCKING CLOSED #LITERALLY DEVASTATED AT HOW I WILL NOT SEE A SINGLE PRETTY MOUNTAIN #BC THEY'RE ALL CLOSED #i am like literally #i want to roll the dice so badly just like LETS JUST CHECK IT OUT PLEASSSEEEE #and my friend won't and I'm not about to go by myself bc wtf that's so dangerous #AAAA #*bangs my head* why is there snow in June #also we booked this trip via costco travel and that was literally the most god awful experience ever #employees super helpful the system for booking tho #made by the turds that plopped out of satans asshole

[hobisexually]

x

#hi I am back with a long tag post about how I can’t keep up with life #very boring 30 year old stuff that I am struggling with very much and isn’t interesting to anyone #but I just put on my hobi playlist to feel better and instead sobbed so hard to just dance (which is a very happy song I don’t even enjoy) #that my pillow is soaked through so obviously sleep isn’t gonna happen until I get this out somewhere #so first. get this. one of my best and longest friends gets engaged and lets 1.5 months go by before she bothers to tell me #in front of four other friends who are decidedly less close to her but we all found out simultaneously. #Bad enough. you get confronted with the fleetingness of life and friendships and how everything changes even when you don’t want it to. #then. you talk it out. another friend’s dad just died. another one just bought a house and is moving away #engaged friend comes by again? And suddenly says she’s gonna get try to pregnant within the remainder of the year #and suddenly I’m hit with the fact that our friendship will never be TBE same and the life I thought we would live together is just not #gonna line up? We’re not gonna hit the clubs we’re not gonna go on adventures we’re not gonna paint the town red now that I’m a little bit #more chill re: covid. All of that? Gone. i thought I could make up for all of it but all my friends are in stages I’m not in #and with kids neber will be in? i won’t have a kid. i knew this but I didn’t /know/ this I won’t be able to follow #I’ll be aunt amber and I’ll love all their kids to the moon and back but I won’t follow. i know I don’t want kids #but I don’t think I thought about it before. what that would mean in relation to others #and I also just pictured myself with my own baby and though I don’t want it I never envisioned it and now I can’t stop crying #over the fact that I won’t have a baby. And it’s by choice yes but it doesn’t make it easy???????? #I’m suddenly saying goodbye to a life I’m closing the door on and that’s. terrifying #and I’m so. so scared I’ll end up all alone and never find love or fulfilment #30 is great in terms of feeling calmer and knowing what you want bht this whole ………. this whole thing? #i HATE it I HATE it I can’t stop crying and I’m panicking I HATE IT #FUCK. CHANGE TRULY FUCK IT ALL #and FUCK everything the last two years have taken away from me and how low I was because of it and how hard my friendships got because of it #can I STOP crying now that would be GREAT

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i truely have so much anger built up inside me about my job. ive done a very good job of making it unbearable #and after taking a 10 day vacation. plus 2 days of not working bc im sick. i really dont wanna go back #i was planning to take 3 days to not do fucking anything but my boss just emailed me with some time sensitive #logistical things. so like i guess i gotta fucking do that tomorrow. i started reading the email and it made my head hurt #and she started it off like. hopw ur feeling better and i dont wanna cause stress but... #like bro. listen. if u tell me these things u put them in my head and i csnt stop thinking abt them until theyre done. and its not her #fault bc im the one that put myself in a place where im barely keeping it together. its just frustrating #bc it feels like hope u feel better but also kill urseld 💖 but again thats just how it feels bc im so. idk how to describe it im like in a #state of post burnout. im sitting in the ash. alone in a desolate landscape and its like jesus how tf do i fix this? #and i cant even run out my anger rn bc im sick. and i mean i have the energy to run i dont feel lethargic but like i doubt that would aid #recovery lol. ugh. 2 months. thats all. then i move away. assuming i find a place to live lol. bc i currently haven't yet #but whatever. assuming i get better quickly and dont get worse and dont get covid on top of this cold bc my dad got covid #it will have been a bit of a blessing i came back sick bc i have a clear justification for not working and for telling people to fuck off #when they ask for things from me. like today a lab mate asked if i could sample Monday. which it technically #a holiday but i probably would have said yes if i wasnt sick. and i would have had to teach undergrads some bullshit friday if i wasnt sick #instead i just did nothing all day bc i almost moved bsck my flight and didnt leave home until the weekend anyway #i guess its good i didnt bc then i would have been stuck in ohio bc my dad found out he had covid yesterday #idk its all just frustrating bc im halfway in a transition and im not doing very well but i cant do anything to fix things until i leave #the southwest. like i dont even kno if i have health insurance rn. my benifits change request was processed but like does thst mean it was #approproved? fucking idk. so everytime i do anything i imagine a worstcase scenario where i end up hospitalized and damned to an empty #bank account or eternal medical debt. tho my mum said they passed a law where they arnt allowed to do thst to u anymore 🤷‍♂️ #whatever. im annoyed. i dont wanna work 😫 #unrelated

[madmadmilk]

feeling an unsettling bout of despair and jarringly out of sync this evening, all while the sun shines and clouds pour rain outside my window. at least the sky is pink.

#i'm like happy with life in general but when i start to think too far ahead i'm like frustrated and stressed hahahahha #i'm whispering this so don't tell anyone ok??? #but my bf is job hunting and he's gotten so many interviews and he's doing so well but these damn places keep looking past him #and our apartment lease is ending soon so i'm like what if we bought a house ha ha #but also what if we got married and had a wedding #but wait i want him to propose to me #but also wait we don't have money saved up how do people save up money #and it's just a cycle that i know will come in time because we work hard and love each other and want this together but i'm also just stres #that it's not happening like tomorrow lol #so anyway i'm just spiralling but nothing is dire #but also we need to find someone to dogsit for us for like 5 days next weekend and htne like 2 days the next #i'm tired lol but at least my covid symptoms are gone #cheers lol good luck to everyone and i hope all your dreams come true #personal #madmadmilk #in the tags #poetry

[awaylaughing]

I’ve been thinking on the why and how of Echo and Lettow leaving together at the end and what that means and looks like for them. This is long enough so it’s just the Why, mostly from Echo’s end though I’ll take a stab at why Lettow’s so relieved to see her at the ending.

Echo's motivations are pretty easy to pin down after a few minutes spent really thinking on it. People in-universe are probably inclined to think it’s one of those Ravnos compulsions: on paper “stay and get a real job and earn respect” vs “run off with a man still coping with the fact you ate his last lover” is totally taking the dicier option.

But the truth is, Echo’s not really a Camarilla sort at the end of the day; she's very much an independent with Anarch leanings. And beyond that she really doesn't have any particular political ambitions, one of the many reasons she didn't side with Julian is because she was uncomfortable with her integral nature to The Plan. So while sticking around to build infrastructure alongside Dove and co. would have been the more noble thing and the more sensible thing, it wasn't terribly appealing: she'd have done it if Lettow didn't let her on the plane but it was her option B for sure.

In addition, she and Dove would be great friends in an AU where Lettow's like "no, stay here" but they're not particularly close yet. She's also not yet friends with Carlos or Alexander; Julian she can't be friends with anymore; Raul and Vani split rather than just be her non-mind controlled pals; Elena's more of a quasi-business partner. Other than Rocket she doesn't have anyone or anything to really leave behind or keep her in place. Lettow’s a whole humanoid person though, who can have conversations and has always treated her with respect (Lettow’s first clan-dependant line to a Ravnos courier is to apologize for her loss re:Brian, to say that bought him so many brownie points with Echo really undersells it).

(Also sidebar: Julian's surprised to hear he hurt her. He didn't understand: if she agreed with him that they needed to gently bring the curtain down themselves on their own terms, why she was siding with the Camarilla. The answer was:

A) By supporting people like Lettow who can be reasoned with they have a chance to unite his vision with the Camarilla's in time, providing structure that can reach further than Arizona or the States

B) Basically every word out of his mouth about her since the Reremouse mission makes it clear to her that Julian does not hugely respect Echo, at least not enough to trust her with plans and shit, and she in turn doesn’t trust him to turn over a new leaf.

it was not C) to get in good with the Camarilla because clearly she gives no fucks about that beyond, her great relationship with them would be much worse if Lettow was any other Prince I’m pretty sure.)

But most importantly, more than the lack of strong ties to Tuscon, definitely more than her clan compulsion it’s just because she really likes Lettow and they very much have things to talk about but if he disappears into the Middle East he's an ocean away and who knows where doing who know what. Even if they split up once they reach Cairo, which I think they do, she's near enough she can track him down again once he's had his space to Deal With Stuff.

But if she stays in Tuscon...maybe she loses track of him forever. Maybe she makes it across the ocean in five years and there's no sign of him because he's hiding from the Sabbat, or his ancestor ate him the way Zapathsura ate most her clan. Or maybe things keep popping up and she never goes, he never comes back, and all the things to say never get said.

So going with Lettow is taking a chance, but it might be the time she chooses the lesser gamble despite being Ravnos.

As for why Lettow wants her to come along...I think in some ways he had dealt with a lot of the Aila feelings (not all of them, there is more processing to be done For Sure) and it was the torment of not understanding why Echo had done it that was making it such an acute problem: before he knew it was Echo it was just the general lack of answers. Closure and all that.

The big thing is just the other side of Echo’s concern though. He’s going east and he doesn’t fully know why or what’s waiting for him. Leaving Echo in Tuscon very much might mean leaving her forever, Echo appearing to say she is getting on that plane removes his culpability from taking her from something she wants (she does not want) and means they might get a chance to actually talk about things before Whatever happens.

Plus, I don’t think he particularly likes to be alone so having a buddy along probably just makes him happier regardless.

#echo/lettow #i've thought about their romance progression so much #they split up once they reach cairo bc lettow needs to process #and also is worried about echo getting bodied #and echo badly wants to poke around a bunch of places at her own pace #they have a date and a place to reunite but then covid restrictions hit and they end up bumming around greece together #lockdown romance is what i'm saying #they have a lockdown romance lol #long post cw #lettow kaminsky #vtm night road #once again apologizing to the tags i just keep rambling and cannot be stopped #but this is still mostly about my own ocs lol #echo the courier

[kaeyaphile]

i've got an interview in a couple of hours and i'm unfortunately being absolutely racked with a ridiculous amount of anxiety and panic 🥲👍🏻

#kayleigh.txt #i desperately need this veterinary hospital to be a good place to work #and also most importantly to hire me lmao #judging by their website they're lovely #but it remains to be seen appearances can be deceiving af #their website is much nicer and up to date than both previous hospitals i worked at though so there's that ig #also they have very strict covid policies which i very much appreciate as someone with two autoimmune diseases #i got my 'fancy' interview outfit ready ugh #gonna take a quick power nap though because i hardly got any sleep #hopefully the adderall kicks in and help me get my shit together lmao #KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED FOR ME Y'ALL #it is time to Fake It 'Til I Make It 😂 😬 🤞🏻 🙏🏻