#last week I found a lump in my breast and I’ve been so fucking scared- I have a mammogram scheduled tomorrow

[legisaskerator]

vent in the tags

#y’all I’ve been really fucking going through it and life is v hard to live right now #my anxiety has been astronomical and I keep having panic attacks which I never used to have until like two months ago #yesterday I went to the ER cause it was so bad- like my entire body went numb and I really really thought I was gonna die #last week I found a lump in my breast and I’ve been so fucking scared- I have a mammogram scheduled tomorrow #it’s probably benign but you can’t know till you scan #also they’re going to be doing a lot of looking at my heart too cause there’s might be something wrong there #I also might be diabetic who knows #all I know is that this last week has been complete torture #I’m amazingly gifted to have my boyfriend though caus he’s been a saint through all of this #It’s 1am and I’m so exhausted and weak so he actually climbed into the shower with me and helped me bathe #he is so kind and gentle and everything I could ever ask for #an ex of mine told me no one would ever want to take care of me if I got too sick or weak and for years I’ve had that stuck in my head #but now my boy proves that wrong every single day and especially today #he was so gentle with my head and god I’m so fucjing lucky to have him #pray for me y’all #likes charge or whatever lol

[buttonso]

Teamwork: An Aura/Harvey short

AKA: Buttonso Very Unsubtly Projects FEELINGS Onto Poor Aura.

I am going to put this below a cut both for length and because the whole thing concerns fears/anxieties around pregnancy. If you like it and want to reblog it, you may, but I will not tolerate any form of judgmental commentary. I'm prepared to block people if needs be.

2,685 words. Contains a few swears. Forgive any typos ^^*

So. Ok. Well. A few weeks ago, I learned that I was pregnant. I did not think it was in the cards for me, for various reasons, so it's been a surprise, and while it's a good surprise, I have found it to be more than a little overwhelming. My husband has been amazing and has been doing a good job of keeping me off the ledge, and this whole thing is based on one of the many pep talks he's given me in the last few weeks.

This clearly would take place after Breathe With Me is over. It may or may not be considered canon, as I could end up contradicting it in the future sequel of Breathe With Me...... which may be a long time coming now that my life is changing.

Maybe this is TMI, and if I've made anyone uncomfortable, I do apologize.

*

Teamwork

Harvey whistled under his breath, a cheery tune befitting the sunny day and his sunnier disposition. No matter how busy he got at the clinic, nothing had been able to dampen his spirits for long over the past several weeks. It was a lovely spring and promised to be an even lovelier summer. His home and his wife were lovelier still… and he was going to be a father. Oh, not for a awhile- Aura was nearing the end of her first trimester, but everything seemed to be going well so far.

It seemed that having everything he wanted in life agreed with Harvey.

His last appointment of the day had cancelled on him, and he’d decided to close the clinic early and head home to surprise Aura. He’d stopped by the General Store for a few things, the plan spinning out naturally as he shopped. He would draw a bath for her so she could relax after she came in from the fields while he cooked a nice dinner. He harbored vague, hopeful notions of offering her a massage after dinner, but that would be dependent on her energy levels after- it was entirely possible she would want to go straight to sleep.

Aura, of course, stubbornly insisted on continuing to do all the work she was accustomed to doing, and despite Harvey’s misgivings, he’d yielded to the judgement of her OB, who had said she could continue to work as long as she felt up to it. Well, the doctor was right, and he himself would have said the same thing to a patient, but that didn’t stop Harvey from worrying.

He did not see Aura anywhere near the farmhouse as he stepped up onto the porch, but that was not unusual. She might be in the far fields, or the barn, or the woods… she might well even be inside, working on something in the kitchen. But she always came home at 6:30 for supper, so he would be ready when she arrived. Harvey’s cheery little whistle became a contented hum as he set the groceries down on the kitchen table, then headed towards the bedroom to change clothes, loosening his tie as he walked. The living room and kitchen was empty- even the cat was nowhere in evidence.

The hum died in his throat as he pushed open the bedroom door and he saw her. Aura was lying on the bed, fully dressed on top of the covers, curled on her side. Her back was to him, and her body was shaking with soft, hopeless little sobs. Alarm shot through him- he couldn’t help the automatic, instinctive lunge towards the bed.

“What’s wrong, darling?” He asked, as she jumped, clearly startled, nearly lurching off the bed as she turned to face him, eyes wide as she hastily wiped at her tear-streaked face. Murphy, who’d been hidden from Harvey’s view by Aura’s body, scampered off the bed in alarm, his tubby body hitting the floor with a thud on the opposite side of the bed, claws scrabbling on the floor as he scampered off.

“You nearly gave me a heart attack!!” She exclaimed, one hand pressed to her chest and the other held out towards him, her finger pointing at him in accusation. “What are you doing home so early?!”

“My last appointment was canceled, and I thought I’d surprise you. Please… tell me, what’s going on…” He fought down the panicked, instant assumption of utter disaster, but he’d never seen her like this before. “…Did… did something happen? Are you well?”

“I-I’m fine…physically, anyway.” She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose before rubbing at her eyes and cheeks again with both hands. “I’m just… having some feelings. Dealing with feelings was never my strong suit and it’s harder than ever these days.”

“What sort of feelings?” Harvey moved cautiously towards the bed, sinking onto it beside her.

“It’s… it’s nothing,” Aura sighed, but she leaned into his touch when he reached out and put a hand on her cheek.

“It’s not nothing, you were in tears.” Anxiety made his voice tight and his tone a bit sharp. She flinched, biting her lip as she avoided his gaze. His hand slid from her cheek to her shoulder. “Sweetheart… please… tell me.” His heart raced and he felt himself trembling a little, despite his need to be brave. “Please,” He repeated, when the silence stretched between them, and he felt her shoulder beginning to tremble again.

“I-I…” she took a deep breath. “I’m… I’m scared, okay?” She blew out a frustrated breath and covered her face with her hands. “I’m… scared and I feel stupid, immature, selfish… I…I hate myself for feeling this way…”

“Why? What are you afraid of?” He slid his arm around her carefully, but she stiffened, rather than relaxing into his embrace as she always did. Dread crept up his spine, and panic made another attempt at clawing its way out.

“…I…I should be happier than I am. About the baby.” Her tone was extremely reluctant, her silver eyes downcast as she continued to avoid his gaze. She put a trembling hand on her stomach as the other hand came to rest on Harvey’s thigh. “But once the excitement of telling you wore off… every day, every week since… I’ve only gotten more and more worried.”

“Oh.” Harvey released the breath he’d been holding in a trembling sigh. “…Is… that all.” She still had a long way to go in her pregnancy… but still, that meant she’d been agonizing for several weeks in silence. It didn’t speak well for his attentiveness as a husband. “I’ve been floating around here like a happy fool, and I never noticed you were in distress…”

“You didn’t notice because I hid it from you,” She sighed. “I…I didn’t want to rain on your parade. And your excitement was definitely contagious at first, but now…”

“…Now?” He made another attempt at sliding his arm around her, and this time she did lean into him, to his relief.

“Everything… is gonna change, Harvey,” she said softly. “Everything. And I… I’m not sure I’m up to the challenge.”

Harvey ran his hand up and down her arm slowly in an attempt to soothe her. “I’m of the firm belief that there’s nothing you can’t handle, my dear.”

“But… don’t you see…” Aura paused as she seemed to try to compose herself, only to have her voice break. “I’m… I’m not good enough, Harvey.”

“Not good enough?” He echoed, biting back the automatic impulse to deny it. “Why do you think that?”

“There’s… there’s no doubt in my mind you’re going to be the best Dad ever. I mean… baby, you practically have nurturer tattooed on your forehead. But me? I’ve spent my entire adult life just doing whatever I wanted to do. I’ve learned how to be considerate of you, and to accommodate you in my life, but… a baby… I don’t… I don’t know how to be in a normal family. I just can’t see any way I’m not going to totally fuck this all up.”

“Sweetheart…” He tightened his embrace and pressed a kiss to her temple. “It’s perfectly natural to have concerns about impending parenthood… I know I’ve been all smiles since you told me you were pregnant, but I’ve been worried too… I grew up without a father, so I have no example to look back on. But we’ll learn together. We have friends with experience to draw upon, and we’ll be just fine. All three of us.”

“No, no it’s not… not just that…” Aura shook her head and gestured with one hand, as if she were shaping a lump of dough while she worked through her thoughts. “It’s not just worrying about doing a good job… even though I am… but I…” Her hand tightened into a fist, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “All this worrying I’ve been doing… I’m thinking about myself. How my freedom is going to be curtailed. How my relationship with you may be affected, may even suffer. How… how much I am not enjoying feeling the changes in my body.” Her cheeks reddened as her voice wobbled. “I hate feeling low-key sick all the time… my clothes are getting uncomfortably tight… my breasts feel too big, I’m not sleeping well... I mean, do you hear this? It’s all me, me, me, I, I, I… what kind of fucking self-centered monster am I? Instead of worrying about whether or not my baby is healthy I’m only thinking about how uncomfortable I am and how scared I am of all this change.” Her voice broke at last, and she began to sob again.

“Oh… my darling…” Harvey had never seen her in such a state, and he wasn’t quite sure how to react for a moment, but hugging her seemed like a safe bet, and he used both arms to do so, pulling her against his chest. “I wish you’d told me sooner…” He was no obstetrician, but Aura’s doctor was a friend of his, and he’d read quite a lot on the subject of pregnancy ever since they agreed to try for a baby. This felt like mere reassurance wouldn’t be enough. “You know… I meant it, earlier, when I said there’s nothing you can’t handle,” He said after a few moments of simply holding her.

“I know you think so, but…” She sniffed and he shook his head.

“No but.” He put just enough sternness into his voice that she blinked at looked questioningly at him.

“When you first came here… I was so in awe of how confident you were. You came here all by yourself and resurrected your grandfather’s dying farm. You ventured into those dreadful mines and fought monsters… and you told me once that you were not going to stop taking risks if you had a shot at something better. I remind you of all this not to dismiss your concerns… but to tell you that I have every confidence in you,” Harvey told her, doing his best to be calm. He hated seeing her this way, but he knew he needed to be the strong one now, even if that was normally her role.

“How can you not be… disgusted by what I just told you?” She asked damply, sniffing again, and wiping her face inelegantly with the back of her hand, blinking several times to clear the tears from her eyes.

Harvey fished a handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to her. “Because you’re my favorite person in the world, and I love you so very much.” He smiled, feeling a bit shy and awkward. “I think you should talk to some of the other mothers in town… or if you aren’t comfortable with that, find a support group online. You cannot possibly be the only woman to feel this way. I of course cannot know what it feels like to be pregnant, but… it is not surprising at all that the physical changes may be disturbing. I’m no obstetrician but I have treated pregnant women before.”

“…I… thought about reaching out to Doctor Delecroix… I hadn’t talked to her in a while, but she always makes time for me if I need it…” Aura admitted, hesitantly. Aura’s therapist was a big believer in the power of the internet and was more than willing to have video chats with patients if they couldn’t make it to her office in Zuzu City, even a patient she was no longer seeing regularly, such as Aura.

“If you think it will help, then you should.” She’d stopped trembling, at least. “You’re not doing this alone,” Harvey added. “It will be a big change, it’s true… but it’s a change we’ll navigate together.”

“Just… just admitting how I’ve been feeling… It does help, a little…” Aura said slowly. “I’m still scared, but…right now, at least… I feel… I feel a little better… I…” She hesitated a moment. “I do want this baby, you know… I just… I didn’t expect to have all these mixed feelings.”

Harvey pressed a kiss to her forehead. “We’re doing this together,” He repeated. He’d say it as often as he had to. “We’re not just a team, we’re a family. No matter what happens. You, me, the little one…” There was a soft thud and a little “mrrrp” as Murphy returned to the bed, making his way to Aura’s lap and purring as Harvey stroked his head. “And him,” Harvey added. “We’d never forget you,” he said with a chuckle as the cat shoved his blocky head up into Harvey’s hand.

“I was so afraid that you’d be hurt if I admitted how I’ve been feeling…that… that was the worst part…” Aura said quietly, rubbing at her cheeks again. “I’m sorry if you were…”

“I was only worried about you,” Harvey said as they took turns petting the cat, who settled into a happy loaf on Aura’s lap, reveling in the attention. “Please don’t ever suffer in silence… our little one has a lot of growing to do yet, and I’ll do whatever I can to keep her mother happy.”

“Her?” Aura chuckled. “We can’t possibly know the sex yet. Besides, I thought all men wanted sons.”

Harvey shrugged. “Whenever I imagine it… I see a girl. Someone who will grow up as strong and beautiful and brave as her mother.” He leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers. “Though I wouldn’t say no to eventually having an assortment.”

She snorted and tilted her head a bit so she could kiss him lightly. “How about we make sure everyone survives this one before we talk about assortments… I’m still not loving the physical side of all this. I’m afraid I may be difficult to live with the next several months…I’ll… I’ll try my best to not be a complete monster.”

“Just be honest with me about your feelings, and I’ll extend you the same courtesy.” It was Harvey’s turn to initiate a kiss, brief and tender though it was.

“I…I should get back out there…” Aura said reluctantly, swinging her legs off the bed. “Got a few things that need doing before the day’s over.”

Harvey wanted to argue, to insist that she stay in and rest, but he didn’t have the heart to try to cage her now. “Go and do whatever you need to do… just be careful, please… and I’ll have a bath and dinner waiting for you when you get back.” He caught her hand as she nudged the cat off her lap and stood up. “And as for whether or not the baby will hurt our relationship… of course I can’t see the future, but… I can’t imagine any outcome apart from loving you more.” Harvey felt his cheeks heating in the familiar old blush that she could manifest in him with little more than a smile.

“I…” Aura gave a brittle little laugh and pulled his knuckles to her lips, giving them a brief kiss. “I don’t deserve you, you know.”

“I’ve told you before that you should let me be the judge of that.” Harvey answered as she quickly wound her hair into a loose braid.

“And you’ll… you’ll tell me if you have things you’re worried about, right? Or if I do or say something to hurt you? You won’t suffer in silence either?” She asked pointedly.

“I promise,” Harvey answered as she headed towards the door. “I love you, Aura.”

She paused at the doorway and blew him a kiss with a weary chuckle. “I love you, too, Harvey. Thank you… for being you. I couldn’t ask for a better partner.”

Harvey smiled as she left the room, listening to her footsteps fade. Murphy shoved his head against Harvey’s arm, and he gave the cat a stroke. “Well, boy… life isn’t simple even when you do have everything you want,” he said to the cat. “But we’ll just have to do our best and look after each other… it’s all anyone can do, I suppose.”

#my fic #farmer aura #stardew harvey #pregnancy cw

[vonnyphant]

To Blog or Not to Blog?

“You should start a diary and write about your experiences. It may help people going through the same thing.”

Honestly? If there’s one thing I discovered about this diagnosis, it’s that it makes me pretty damn selfish. I don’t want to help other people (not just yet, anyway). But putting some thoughts down about this time in my life may be of some sort of therapeutic value, and I do want to help myself. 

(Maybe for once, saving the world can wait. Do you remember how, soon after the pandemic hit, people stopped avoiding plastic and single-use items? When your health is at risk, suddenly rainforests and polar bears and the planet are deprioritised- not that anyone will admit to this. But this is my diary and I can say what I want!* Writing for myself it is.)

Having established my less-than-Mother-Theresa-like reasons for this blog, my conscience cleared, it’s time to start. This is where the Lifetime movie shows me, in a half daze, mellowed out on drugs while they sew a mediport into my chest to start administering chemicals. A fast lane to my bloodstream. A docking station. The soundtrack? Hopefully ‘Across The Universe’ by the Beatles (possibly Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. If I get a say in it, I veto The Walrus) Time to pump this body full of drugs that’ll make my hair fall out. 

Wait, what?

Voice Over: “Yep. That’s me. You’re probably wondering what I am doing here…” //record scratch - freeze frame - fast rewind to the psychedelic outtro of A Day In The Life//

Two months ago, during rub-a-dub-in-the-tub (less naughty than it sounds, was just washing myself), my mind inexplicably went to an episode of Beverly Hills 90210, s1 (aired in 1992- yes, I am that old), where Brenda Walsh has a breast cancer scare. I say inexplicably, because my usual shower fantasies do not include Ms Shannon Doherty - if I was going to pick a shower lady, I’d opt for Charlize Theron, Kiera Knightly or Winona Ryder in their short-hair phases, but that is neither here nor there. 

Say what you want for 90s television- weird outfits and ponytails notwithstanding, in their AfterSchoolSpecial PSA way, they dedicated a whole scene to the girls giving themselves a breast exam, including how-to instructions**, and eventhough I was only 11 years old when I saw it, I remembered what to do, and for the last 30 years, every now and then I have randomly carried it out while wondering how I always preferred Brandon over Dylan and how my tastes have changed over time.

But this time - my hand actually found something.

I took a deep breath and calmed myself down the same way I did after finding spots on my skin, lumps on my head and every time I sneezed since covid-19; by telling myself to fucking snap out of my hypochondria tendencies. One cannot go to the doctor every damn day after all. Breast tissue is pretty lumpy and I assumed it was just imaginary. I made an appointment to see a therapist, and  put it out of my mind until a few weeks later, when one of the kids came crashing down on me (literally) and faceplanted in my boob (as they do). 

Now this always hurts af, but it just hurt that little more that day, so that I grabbed the appendage in question and went “WHAT THE--!” And I felt it again- the lump, more defined than a few weeks before. 

Cue a lot more freaking out than the first time, and after a sleepless night, imagining what my funeral would look like (as one does), I decided to go to the gynocologist the same day or risk never to sleep again.

After a long wait and an ultrasound, my doctor assured me that while there really was a mass, it had every indication of being benign. We should keep an eye on it. If I was worried, I could schedule a second screening, but would not likely get an appointment before April. I scheduled one and tried to focus on preparing our first lockdown Christmas. 

But over the holidays, the lump started hurting, even when I wasn’t poking it or having a kid catapult themselves into my chest. I’d be Netflix and Chilling, and suddenly - ZAP - like someone stuck a hot needle into it. Repeatedly. My nipple would go numb or start tingling like a bodypart that fell asleep. It freaked me out, and in the new year, I realised I couldn’t wait until April - I had to get it checked out again or I may worry myself to death.

My gynocologist did another ultrasound and again, told me not to worry. I told her it was way too late for that as I had been worried for weeks, and I wanted the thing biopsied (they gave Brenda Walsh one too, after all! It’s the only way to be 100% sure). She referred me to the hospital. At the description of my symptoms, I could come directly, and the radiologist told me in no unclear terms: “I will not let you leave this room until we draw blood and take several biopsies.” Okay- not exactly what one wants to hear at that point, but at the same time, I figured knowing would be better than guessing by the shape of it.

Test results took a week. I went in, being prepared to be told (like Brenda) it was a harmless clump of random cells or a cyst we could have removed like a wart. Only it wasn’t. It was breast cancer, an aggressive, fast-growing kind, and had I waited until April, that could have had disastrous consequences.

While the doctor explained we now needed to determine the scope of the spread and take more tissue to determine what kind of chemo (if any) could be applied, all my 2020-PTSD brain could think was: 

“.............of course”. 

Didn’t hear much of what she said afterwards.

Another harrowing 4 days went by, with a CT screening with contrast solutions that gave me an intense stomach ache as well as a migraine, and finally, a fully rounded diagnosis and treatment advice could be made. 

Thankfully, all my organs as well as lymphnodes were clear, so it appears to be a localised tumor. And here we are - to fight this thing with chemicals and then cut out whatever is left. Genetics testing to see about the likelihood of a recurrency (and a possible double mastectomy if so - ‘pulling an Angelina Jolie’, ‘not saving the tatas’, insert ‘Think About It meme’...can’t have breast cancer if you don’t have breasts! THINK ABOUT IT***). 

Chances are good. I need to cling to that while I wait for this port and treatment to start. I have accepted the inevitable hair loss, have scheduled a ritual ‘crazy hair cutting party’ with my kids for this weekend (as I would rather shave it off in one go than clean up clumps and strands over the course of weeks and look like Gollum), and I have sewn several funny little hats for inside wear and ‘going out’ (though where will I be going in pandemic, idk). 

I was going to end this post on a light and happy note - but I must admit my confidence just took a really big hit in real time, as I googled how to spell Shannon’s last name for this blog entry and found out that she was treated for breast cancer in 2015, initially succesfully, but it reappeared metastasized in 2020 (again: ‘of course...when else’) and she is now in stage IV. Fuck 2020.

What are the odds that the woman whose character made me discover my own breast cancer is now, in fact, dying of the same disease? This will surely haunt me for a long time to come.

More tomorrow? Or soon? It may take a while. Until then: outro to It’s Getting Better.

*also for the record I would like to state that I’ve sewn my own masks from upcycled pillowcases and continued using fruit- and vegetable nets to avoid plastic; maybe that makes up for me being utterly selfish at the moment. Karma +1?

** https://youtu.be/pkgYXITkrfw (the scene from BH 90210)

***cis men / trans women without breasts can also get breast cancer (even though it’s rare) so this meme doesn’t really hold up, but that’s the whole point of the meme ;)

[ourneverendingpossibilities]

It’s no Longer our Little Secret

Anime: Kuroko no Basuke Pairing: Kasamatsu Yukio x Reader Rating: T (For swearing?) A/N: I uploaded this on AO3 at 12:30 this morning and then fell asleep... Here’s the next chapter to the series! Kise finally finds out! (I used the original request by @kaijos-orca as the main focal point of this chapter. However, I did edit it and add in some details so it matches the story line. For the original request, you can find it here.) Hope you all enjoy!

_______________________________

The Inter-high was fast approaching, leaving very room for you and Kasamatsu to see each other. During those weeks, you'd send each other texts, ensuring the other was alive. The lack of warmth from him was slowly torturing you. 

How did you live before meeting him? Oh that's right... You didn't...

Rather, you were in deep despair from the Teiko events, and they left a bitter taste in your mouth. Some days passed by as a blur, while others remained slow, bleak. You don't remember most of what transpired your last year in Teiko.. In fact, you only began to remember small details after meeting Kasamatsu Yukio..

Gosh, just the thought of your... boyfriend has your heart racing rapidly in your chest. Your fist rests above your breast, holding onto the phone in your hands as you await the arrival of your boyfriend... That's right... He's coming over to spend the night.

At this point, you didn't care if Kise was supposed to be home this weekend. He didn't even reply to your question, asking if he was coming by today or tomorrow... Probably stuck working late like usual. This would leave you alone with Kasamatsu, and although your mind ran rampant of a thousand ideas.. You just want to spend time with him. To cuddle him, kiss him and sleep beside him. You want to feel his warmth.. 

A knock on the door startles you from your thoughts, and you jump, eyes wide at the sound. You look at your phone, seeing the text from your boyfriend, before grinning and running down the stairs. You nearly slam the door open as he prepares to knock again, scared he wasn't loud enough. His eyes are wide, and he stutters when you yank him inside, placing him against the door and jump into his arms, burying your face in his neck. It takes him a few moments to comprehend what's going on, but when he feels your nose graze against his skin, it brings him back to reality, and he hugs you tightly. 

"I've missed you, Yukio-senpai..."

His head rests against yours, a small smile curling on his lips. "We've been talking for the past couple weeks, ____-chan..."

You bristle, pulling your head back to meet his blue hues.. Though he moves at the same time, and before you can retort, his lips meet yours. He leaves you speechless just by that simple move, though he pulls back before you can try to deepen it, leaving you slightly frustrated... He notices this and smirks, lightly pulling your cheek.

"I've missed you as well."

He watches as your eyes widen, before a huge smile curls on your lips, and he feels his breath hitch... He still can't wrap his mind around having you as his girlfriend... If that's what you want to be addressed as.

"You know... We never had a discussion about what.... This is."

You tilt your head, staring at him with slight confusion, before it dawns on you.. Ah, that's true.... You get down from his grasp, missing the frown on his lips as you pull him to your bedroom, smiling at his stuttering. When you reached your room, you shut the door, guiding him to the bed before plopping down, crossing your arms behind your head.

"Well... What do you want us to be... Yukio-senpai?"

He pursed his lips, watching your laid back reaction with curious hues... What did he want? He knows what the two of you have is special... Unique even... Not only did he feel comfortable the day you laid on his leg... But he could see himself doing it on a regular basis. Running a hand through your hair, watching your peaceful expression with soft eyes... He remembers how you fell asleep so easily after he rested his jacket on your body. How you snuggled into his hand and left him in a comforted state of bliss for hours... Even after he left.. He remembered debating waking you up that night to help you to your room, or let you lay on the couch for the night... But when he made a move to get up, you clung to him easily, and he knew it was best to wake you up. He helped you to your room, making sure you were comfortable in bed, before he took his leave... When he placed his jacket back on, he felt you cling to him, whining at the shift in movement.. He truly didn't want to leave you alone that night... But he found the strength to leave, because he had no idea where you two stood... 

But watching you now, hearing his first name from your lips, it has him moving to sit on your bed, back resting against your headrest. His hand finds purchase on your head, and he watches curiously as you sit up, crawling towards him and fall back into his lap. He chuckles at your reaction, but allows you to get in his personal space, hoping his hand doesn't shake too much from nerves. He knows you're waiting for his reply, and he doesn't like to keep a girl waiting... So he pulls you towards him, hand resting on the back of your head as he keeps you in place. His lips curl into a grin then, eyes softening at the tender expression in your eyes.

"I want us to be together... _____-chan...." he whispers, leaning forward until your lips were a few inches apart. "Be my girlfriend."

You answer his statement with a passionate kiss. 

________________________

A door slams open.

"_____-CCHI GUESS WHAT-?"

An eerie silence hovers above the three of you as Kise stands there, golden hues wide in shock.  

“W….Wh…..WHAT?! ___-____-CCHI?!! W…WHY A..ARE YOU… K..KISSING SENPAI?!?!”

Both of you remain frozen, hands still from roaming each other’s bodies due to your previous actions... Ones you were enjoying very much.. And then the hyperactive blonde slams your door open, gawking as though you were on display in a museum. Your back was still facing him, golden hues watching steel hues glisten with several emotions. You wish you had time to assess those, but the longer the silence dragged on, the more anxious you became.  You could feel heat rise to your cheeks, along with Kasamatsu’s. Embarrassment turned into fury and in your rage, you jumped up, grabbing your pillow and smacked the blonde right in the head, an equivalent to one of  Kagami’s dunks, and tossed him into the hallway.

“GET THE FUCK OUT RYOUTA!"

You then slam the door shut, heavy pants leaving your lips from adrenaline, and slid until you landed on your butt, curling into a little ball. Just great.. Now Kasamatsu knows the truth.  You were related to Kise Ryouta.. and he’d never want to see you again.. It’s all thanks to the idiot who decided to barge in and interrupt a very nice, yet passionate, kiss.

A heavy groan left your throat.

Kasamatsu, on the other hand, was sitting on the bed, adjusting what just occurred in front of him. 

Kise barged into YOUR bedroom, addressing you as if you'd known each other a long time... 

He knew you had a brother.. But you hardly mention him, and he wasn’t around whenever he came over. Come to think of it, when he came over to your house, he never noticed any family portraits in the living room... He vaguely saw some outlines of what appeared to be picture frames, but he didn't think to ask about it. His mind was too wrapped up in how big your house was... He recalls thinking about what your parents did, as they weren't home that weekend. You've told him in several texts that they travel a lot for work, usually leaving your house alone until the weekend, when your brother visited...

Wait...

His Steel-blue hues turn to you, this time to assess you. The similar, yet much longer, blonde locks fell over your shoulders. He couldn’t see your golden hues, a slight shade softer than Kise’s, and that makes him a tad nervous. He needs to see them, so he can understand what you're feeling... The fact he didn't put the two together on your birthday....

Both of you share the same birthday... The softness in Kise's eyes when he mentioned getting the gift from his biggest fan... How you snuck to the mall in Kanagawa just to give Kise his birthday gift in the first place... Your nervous reaction to buying it when he joined you for shopping... And finally, how you reacted when he asked what Kise was to you...

Fuck. Kasamatsu was an idiot.

"So, Kise is your brother...."

He watches as you freeze, fingers grasping at your pants tightly. He scratches the back of his head, unsure how to proceed... He knows he needs to comfort you in some way... But he's still not good at this stuff... You're his first girlfriend... That thought alone makes him blush, and his throat tightens in nervousness.. But when he sees you remain unmoving, he knows he has to act. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he manages to compose himself, standing up from the bed and slowly approaches you. He hesitates a bit, but he sinks to his knees, resting a soft hand on your head, as though not to startle you. He feels a blush hit his cheeks when you look up at him, those hues just as nervous as himself, and he has to lick his lips, sighing softly.

“Why did you choose Seirin?”

Confusion sweeps across your face, and you sit up, gently grabbing his hand as you contemplate your response. A blush hit your cheeks then, and you lightly scratch your head, barely meeting his eyes.

“Well… If you had a brother like Ryouta.. Would you really want to be around him all the time?”

His nose wrinkles, and he let out a small laugh, rubbing the back of your hand.

“I.. I guess not..” he smiled, “B..But there are other schools besides Kaijou.. You didn't have to attend a school so far away...”

You shrug, “ The further I am from Ryouta, the better.”

Kasamatsu sighs, hearing the distant tone in your voice. He knows there's more to the story than you're letting on, but he's not one to pry. When you're ready, you'll tell him everything. For now, he pulls you into a gentle hug, cradling you against his chest.

“W..Well.. I.. I kind of wish you were closer…” he mumbles, cheeks turning darker with his confession, “It’d be nice to have lunch with you..”

It was then you pull back briefly, looking into his blue hues with wide eyes. He notices the shock, and blinks, raising an eyebrow.

“W..What?”

You open your mouth, about to reply, but shake your head, biting your lip.. “N…Nothing..! I… I mean..” heat dusts your cheeks once more, and you shift slightly, “I.. just didn’t think you’d want to keep dating… Now you know Ryouta’s my brother…”

You yelp when he bangs his fist on your head, shock and anger in his eyes, “I…Is that the reason you were scared to tell me?!” He barks, though immediately calms when he sees the bit of fear in your eyes. 

He sighs heavily,  “___.. I wouldn’t date you if I didn’t like you…” he starts, watching as you look back at him, as if fully listening to his words. “I..I’ll admit.. It’s a bit of a shock..” Well.. HUGE shock… “But I won’t let that idiot come between us.. A..Actually…” he stutters, avoiding your eyes as he scratches his head, “T..The reason I didn’t want you to meet the team… is because I thought Kise would scare you off.. N..Now I know he’s your brother…” he smiles, shrugging, “I would love if you came to watch us sometime..”

You blink a few times, before giggling at his blush, watching the way his nose crinkles once again, and his eyebrows furrow in a bit of anger and confusion, making you shake your head.

“W..Well… I.. I may consider watching… I..If..” you look at him, giving a sheepish smile, “You come over here and kiss me…”

Before you could giggle again at his expression, he was quick to pull you against his chest, warm hands cradling your cheeks and his lips covered yours gently, silencing your cute voice. He felt his own lips curl into a smile, wondering how you and his ace were even related, given the differences in your personalities.. 

“You know… For being Kise’s twin.. You sure are short…”

He laughs when you punch him, sending him on his back as you pout, poking his cheeks hard.  His hands went to your waist, holding you in place as you crawl above him, staring into his hues. You gasp lightly as he gives you one of his rare smiles.

“You pout like him too…”

He gasps when you punch his gut, moving to bite his ear and he hisses slightly but laughs harder at your reactions.. Okay, so you don’t like being compared to your brother.. That’s understandable.. However, before you could scold him, he’s quick to kiss you again, a bit rougher than before, though the smile doesn’t leave either of your lips. He feels your hands trail to his head, softly stroking his locks, eliciting a purr from his throat.. He takes that time to change positions, laying you flat on your back as he hovers above your form, a hand resting on your hip. He traces a light path along your side, slipping his finger under your shirt to feel the goosebumps running along your side. He lightly smirks at your gasp, grabbing onto the back of his head tighter as he growls against your mouth. God, he's addicted to your taste.. Everything there is about you..

“My sweet ____-cchi!! Kasamatsu-senpai is tainting my innocent ___-cchi!!”

And that ace of his is going to get his ass kicked if he doesn’t leave the two of you alone in the next thirty seconds.

#knb imagines #knb scenarios #kasamatsu yukio #kise ryouta #fluff #comfort #kise finally finds out!

[dovechim]

catharsis (m)

➾ catharsis (noun): the purification or purgation of strong/ repressed emotions that results in renewal and restoration 

➾ summary: where do you draw the line between fantasy and reality? Yoongi knows he has a kink that isn’t socially acceptable as kinks go. he’s already had several failed relationships in the past tucked under his belt as a result, so when you offer him a chance to live out his fantasy in a guiltless, no strings attached kinda way, what could go wrong?

➾ 14k

➾ warnings: impregnation kink, cumplay, nipple play, ball play, daddy kink, cock worship

➾ a/n: here it is!!!!!! a lot of you have been waiting for this, so i hope it lives up to your expectations 🙃 that being said, this is probably one of the filthiest things i’ve ever written... so enjoy, and happy valentines day ❤️

Yoongi has been moping around the house for the past week already, and while he’s normally in his room all day, you’ve never seen him look this worse for wear, with bags weighing his eyes down. He attributes it to work, of course, but you know better, given that he’d just broken up with his girlfriend of three years. He’d rejected another offer of free drinks at the club tonight, and even though you’re wasted as fuck, there’s a lingering worry at the back of your mind.

“Yoongi?” You cautiously peek your head inside his room, ready to duck if you see anything being thrown your way, even as you sway unsteadily on your feet. The last time you tried to enter his room unsolicited, you almost got a black eye from being hit in the face with his lamp, so you’re not risking things now.

A grumble sounds from the corner, and when you squint your eyes, you can see the light of his laptop from under his covers. He doesn’t look like he’s coming out anytime soon, so you play your next card.

“I got some lamb skewers.”

The lump under the covers stirs, but still doesn’t emerge, and you venture into the room cautiously, till you’re right at the edge of his bed. “C’mon, they’ll get cold if you don’t eat them now.”

No response from him, so you reach over to tug the covers aside, prayed that you won’t get mauled to death, only to catch a glimpse of his flesh coloured screen.

His laptop falls off his chest onto the side of the bed, and Yoongi looks at you like a deer in the headlights, earphones yanked out of the laptop’s jack by the movement. The sound of flesh hitting flesh fills the room, and in a second, it’s painfully clear why he was so reluctant to come out.

“Couldn’t you fucking wait just five more minutes?” Yoongi grumbles as he pushes himself into a sitting position.

“For what? Not like you were going to finish anyway,” you say as you glance towards his barely there bulge through his sweatpants, only just managing to suppress the urge to giggle at this very inopportune moment. “Why, did I scare the one-eyed monster off? Am I that unattractive?”

“Don’t give yourself so much credit,” Yoongi snorts as he reaches for his laptop to pause the video.

“Couldn’t get it up?”

“Hey, I don’t deserve that little credit.” Yoongi looks offended, but with his messy blonde hair strewn all over his forehead, you can’t seem to take him seriously. “How was the club?”

“Mhhm, okay. Why, regretting not coming out with us?”

“No fucking way, not with Jeon Jeongguk there. I had to deal with his drunk ass twice, and I’d rather dig my eyeball out than do it again.”

You tug back the covers and slide in beside him, and his warmth is so inviting that you snuggle up to him.

“Go back to your own bed, it’s literally just down the hall.”

“But you’re so warm Yoongi, let me stay here just for five minutes.” While you and Yoongi have been living together for the past five years all through uni and now postgrad, you’re no stranger to physical contact with him. It’s just that things had to stop when he was dating his girlfriend, and although he would never admit it, you know him well enough to realise that he’s craving some physical intimacy in a way that his hand and a porno can’t provide.

“And if you want me to jerk you off, you can just ask. It’s okay, we’re all adults here, what’s one little crummy handjob?” A grin spreads over your face at the sight of him rolling his eyes.

“Nah, wouldn’t wanna risk you being scared off by my one-eyed monster,” he shifts to make room for you under the covers, and the feeling of his warm body against yours is something you’ve definitely missed. He reaches to close his laptop, but you stop him. 

“Continue watching it. The girl’s really hot, and she looks like she’s been working hard.” You reach for his earphones and tug it out of his reach so that he has to play the video out loud.

“What the fuck, you’re so fucking weird,” Yoongi mutters under his breath, but it’s all just for show because he clicks play anyway, secretly thankful that it was you of all people who found him like this. If it was Jimin or Taehyung, they’d never let him live this one down, and not to mention, he did like the feeling of your soft body in his bed.

As he shifts into a more comfortable position, he feels the curves of your breasts against his arm, and it ignites a stirring below his belly, and before he knows it, he’s already rock hard in his sweatpants. Huh, this is the fastest he’s ever gotten an erection in the past week spent holed up in his room trying to jack off, and this time it feels like he could actually finish as well, not that he’d ever say any of this out loud. 

The clip starts to play, but rather than focus on how that blonde girl is bouncing all over that enormous cock, he’s distracted by how soft your breasts feel against his arm, and wonders if he could get away with copping a feel.

That’s when you reach down to his sweatpants to squeeze him, and he curses out loud. 

“Hard already? We’re only two minutes in,” you comment casually, and he swats your hand away.

“The girl is hot,” he mutters under his breath.

“Take yourself out Yoongi, how are you gonna jerk off with your pants still on?”

Fuck, maybe this is all just a tactic to distract him from the fact that he’s newly single and pathetic again, or maybe your judgement is impaired by your drunkenness, but Yoongi doesn’t hesitate to follow your instructions. His length feels hot and heavy in his hand as he tugs it out and give it a few practice strokes, gathering the precum from his tip to spread down the rest of him.

The resulting slick sounds of his hand along his cock is unmistakeable in the small room. His eyes manage to catch a movement under the covers beside him, and- fuck, could it be?

He kicks the covers off in a single motion to see your hand up underneath your tight skirt, and he nearly shoots his cum all over himself.

You’re touching yourself right beside him in his bed, and in all his five years of knowing you, he’s never wanted you more than this moment. He wonders just how slick your clit is, with your fingers gliding over the nub in small circles, wonders how tight your pussy would be.

He’s increasing his pace, listening to your little whimpers and moans beside him, until he cums all over his fingers in messy ropes. You’re still going next to him, eyes fixed on his screen until he shuts his laptop with his clean hand, turning toward you.

Your whine of protest is cut off when he brings his cum coated fingers up between you. “Can I put them inside?”

Even in your drunken state, you realise what he’s asking, and you’re sober enough to consent as you tug your skirt down over your hips. You can feel the edge of your orgasm approaching, and Yoongi’s slick fingers slide over your clit in messy strokes before plunging inside you.

His cum makes everything so much more wet, and you can feel him literally trying to get as much of it inside you as possible. Yoongi even stops a few times to gather the cum from his spent length, only to shove his fingers back inside you and thrust them as deep as possible, until your walls are clenching around him in the throes of your pleasure.

When he pulls out, none of his cum remains on his fingers.

Yoongi can only watch your chest rising and falling as a result from your orgasm, and there’s a part of him that feels like he could go a second round. Just thinking about his cum inside you is making his cock stir again, the easy way in which you’d consented to letting him finger you. He doesn’t even know if you’re on birth control or anything.

You only laugh when Yoongi voices this out with slight panic in his voice.

“Relax, I wouldn’t let you stick those inside me if I wasn’t. I love you and all, but I’m sure as hell not ready for mini Yoongis running around,” you pull the hem of your miniskirt back down, not that it does much except to emphasise the luscious curve of your ass.

Yoongi’s a little more disappointed than relieved to hear this, although the rational part of him tries to convince him that you’re right. He’s not sure how you can be this casual even after you just let him finger his cum into you, but as he stares at your rapidly departing figure, his cock hard again, he jerks himself to another orgasm. This time with the thought of cumming deep in your pussy without pulling out.

*

The next morning brings with it a splitting headache and nausea, all of which reminds you that you’re not 20 anymore, and you can’t simply just drink the night away without any repercussions.  A strange slickness between your legs brings to mind what happened with Yoongi the night before, and this time, sober and everything, you finally process it.

Holy fuck, did Min Yoongi really have his fingers in your pussy just last night. 

A part of you just wants to stay in bed forever just so you don’t have to go out and navigate the awkwardness between you and him, but that plan is ruined when Yoongi knocks on your door impatiently. Before you can answer, he barges in with a glass of water and a plate of food in his hands.

“Wow, since when are you up before me?” You’re genuinely amazed to see him taking care of you like this, since Yoongi doesn’t really do these kind of things, at least not directly. He’s more the type to leave food out on the counter for you to find later.

“Shut it, and drink your water,” he grumbles, and shoves the glass to your lips in order to shut you up. The cool liquid slides down your throat, and he pulls the glass away just to feed you a painkiller before offering you the rest of the water. “L-listen, last night-“

“Let’s not overanalyse it to death, ok?” You cut in before he can finish his sentence. “I mean, we’re both consenting adults, so it’s no big deal. Unless you’re here to tell me you want more, of course.”

Yoongi freezes with the plate still resting on his thigh, eyes scrutinising your expression carefully, and he can’t decide whether or not you’re joking. Even the tone of your voice is completely ambiguous, but he decides to fuck it all.

“What if I do want more?”

You pause in reaching over to grab the plate from him, raising an eyebrow. “Really? Like in a friends with benefits kind of way?” 

Waiting for his reaction is torture, so you cast your eyes downwards to the slices of bread and sunny side up that he’d made for you. Suggesting this was a horrible idea, but the irrational part of your mind tells you that having Yoongi’s body is better than not having him at all.

“Um… yeah, I guess, if you want, I mean,” Yoongi is rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, also avoiding eye contact and hating how incoherent he sounds.

This is the most awkward you’ve ever been with him in the entirety of your friendship, and you just can’t stand the thought of losing Yoongi over something stupid like sex. But the thought of his lips against yours is far too tempting to resist, so you shift the plate aside, reach for the collar of his shirt and pull him into you.

He meets you with a surprised grunt, but then his hands are on your waist and his body is pressing you back into the bed from the earlier momentum. You’ve never felt this thrilled to have his weight on you like this before, as his lips suckle bruises into your neck and you can finally take the time to explore a sensitive spot just behind his ear.

Spreading your legs apart, delight blooms in your chest when Yoongi immediately settles between them, and you can feel the bulge of his arousal right where you need him the most. The weight of his body pinning you down makes you yearn for more. You can still feel the slickness from the previous night in your underwear, and the thought of Yoongi pulling your panties down only to see his cum still on your lips excites you to no end. You reach down to cup him impatiently, giving him a squeeze to convey your intentions.

“Fuck, wait, need to prep you first,” Yoongi protests with a slight nip to your ear.

“’m already wet enough from last night,” you admit with a devious grin, and he sucks in a deep breath.

“You’re so fucking nasty,” he grins back, hands sliding down your hips as he takes your shorts and underwear off with a smooth motion. His face is immediately between your legs, spreading your lips apart to reveal globs of his cum still remaining, and Yoongi feels his dick throb in approval.

“I wasn’t the one who insisted on pushing those cum covered fingers inside.” 

You can feel the ghost of his breath against your sensitive clit as he breathes out a laugh, and you grind your hips up into him desperately. He only responds with a gentle kiss to your inner thigh before laving his tongue up your slit, tasting a mixture of his and your cum. He follows up with several kitten licks, cleaning up your used pussy till there’s no more cum left. 

Yoongi gives your clit one last suckle before crawling up the length of your body, and you immediately cradle his head close for a kiss, moaning when you can taste your combined releases on his sweet lips.

“You liked me cleaning my cum from your pussy baby?” Yoongi teases you with the head of his cock against your clit, and you never knew that your best friend was this good at dirty talk, but you’re not complaining. “Cleaning your dirty little cum filled pussy before I fill it up again.”

His words send a jolt through your entire body, and you whine against his neck. But Yoongi isn’t having it, and he gives a harsh bite to your neck in punishment. “Use your words baby, you’re a big girl. Daddy wants to hear you.”

“Fuck, fill my pussy, Daddy.” The slip of his tongue in the throes of his pleasure has you clenching around him.  

The stretch of him against your walls leaves you breathless, and you have to cling on to his shoulders as he works his cock in deeper. Yoongi places his hands on your inner thighs to spread your legs wider for him, so he can see how well your pussy takes his cock, and the sight alone almost makes him lose his load. Your pussy looks so wet and swollen, wrapped tight around him. The feeling of your bare walls on his cock makes him want to cum immediately, but he forces himself to hold back just so he can see you cum first. Going bare like this is a new experience for him, since his ex always insisted on a condom, and Yoongi wonders how he’s ready to cum again in less than 8 hours.

“Yoongi, mmhm, deeper,” you press your hands against his ass in an effort to urge him on, unaware of his apparent dilemma and only desperate to feel him at the entrance of your womb.

He obliges you by pushing your thighs against your chest, slamming into your pussy in a way that makes your nerves burn a bright pink, and your toes curl. Yoongi admires how pretty you look all folded in half under him, and he feels his cock head slam against your cervix.

“Good girl, taking Daddy’s cock like a pro, hmmm?” He bends to whisper praise against your lips, smirking when you reach for his kiss like a woman starved. “Daddy’s so deep he can feel your hungry little womb, babygirl.”

He reaches down to feel how swollen your clit is, and this elicits a helpless sob from you as he continues to fuck you with harsh thrusts. The pressure against your cervix only makes the pleasure that much more intense, and you can’t help but cry out his name every time he pounds in deep.

“Daddy, I’m coming,” you warn him in a hoarse whisper, feeling his fingers speed up against your clit, and he pushes one of your thighs back with his other hand, keeping his thrusts deep and even. You squeeze tight around him, pleasure washing over every single nerve as you dig your nails deep into his back, clenching around his cock.

“Fuck, that’s it, come all over Daddy’s cock,” Yoongi feels the convulsions spur him on towards his own high, and he can’t help but force both of your thighs back so that your hips are tilted up in the air. His balls are churning and the need to unload deep inside you has him almost incoherent as he chokes out your name.

“Gonna come so deep inside you babygirl, fuck, ahhhh, Daddy’s gonna get you nice and pregnant,” Yoongi grunts deep into your ear before he unleashes, ropes of cum filling your pussy till it’s leaking past his still pulsing balls. He can feel his cum inside making your walls all slippery, and pushes the thought of your birth control away to the back of his mind to ride out the rest of his orgasm, feeling the spurts of his cum grow weaker and weaker.

The feeling of his cock twitching inside you makes you slide your hand down to your clit for a few rubs, and coupled with the warmth of his cum, it doesn’t take much for another orgasm to wash over you. Streams of his cum are now leaking down your ass, and you can only cradle Yoongi’s still form to your body as you try to regain your breath.

Yoongi is reluctant to pull out of your warm and wet pussy, till his dick softens and he slips out of you. He’s kneeling back to admire the mess he made of your cunt, and also marvel at the amount of cum he had despite cumming twice just last night 

“Didn’t know you were into Daddy kink- how cliché,” you comment casually as you close your legs, hiding your pussy from his view, to Yoongi’s immense disappointment.

“Wh-what?” It feels like he’s just come to his senses, the need to cum having overridden everything else, and all of a sudden he is seized with a panic, not remembering what he said only a few minutes ago.

“Don’t sweat it, I’m cool with it,” you reassure him, giving him a warm smile as you squeeze his hand. “But also, um…” 

“What else did I say?” Yoongi pretends to fake nonchalance, when there’s a dread building up inside him.

“I didn’t know you wanted babies that badly either.”

Fuck, there it is. Yoongi feels like a deer trapped in the headlights now, because he’s never had this discussion come up with any of his past flings, or even his ex-girlfriend. He doesn’t even know where this urge to impregnate you comes from, all he knows is that you’d look so beautiful when swollen and pregnant, carrying his baby. But the thought of saying this aloud sends anxiety coursing through him, because it’s not exactly something you say to your fuck buddy.

“I could get into it, if that’s what you’re into.”

His heart nearly stops in his chest when he processes your words, and he stares at you for a moment in disbelief.

“What? Was that weird?” You chuckle nervously, threading your fingers into the sheets beneath you as you close your thighs modestly, feeling his cum leak out you in a thick stream. If Yoongi didn’t have such an apprehensive look on his face, you’d tell him straight up that it was turning you on too. But he seems to be caught in an internal struggle of his own, so you reach for his hand instead and squeeze it.  

“N-no, it’s just…” Yoongi closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “That was why we broke up. Minji and I.”

A beat of silence passes before you shrug, reaching for a few tissues beside your bedside to contain the mess between your legs. “I mean, to each their own I guess. But I can’t deny that your dirty talk really turned me on.”

There’s a leap of delight in Yoongi’s chest, and all of a sudden, he feels the need to have you in his arms and hold you close, which is awfully unlike him. He doesn’t do post sex cuddles, but the thought of having you snuggle into his chest while he strokes your messy pussy lips isn’t all that bad.

“That’s all it is right? The dirty talk aspect of it,” your voice pulls him back from a fantasy of stroking your swollen belly, and he has to swallow hard to concentrate. “The whole fantasy of knocking someone up.”

For a moment, he deliberates over whether he should tell you the truth or not, afraid he might scare you away. But his brain is filled with endorphins, and he can’t think properly, all the more when you tug at his arm and pull him into your pillow beside you.

“No, it’s not only that,” he admits with his nose in your hair, feeling particularly vulnerable. But you snuggle deeper into his chest, arms around his waist, and without seeing your face, he feels a little braver. “It’s the whole risk of it too. B-but I know you’re on birth control, and it’s okay. I just imagined you aren’t.”

“So like roleplaying? And fantasising? Is that what made you cum so hard?” Your voice is slightly muffled in his chest, and Yoongi thinks it’s cute. But the way you’re probing him like this is new, no one’s ever made an effort to understand him and his kinks like this before, and much less outside of a relationship.

“Yeah, I guess.” Silence follows, and Yoongi’s worried that he’s already fucked this up right from the beginning. “You think I’m weird as fuck right? That I’m some kind of creep?”

“Shut up and go to sleep, I don’t have work till noon and I intend on getting every last wink.”

*

Yoongi stirs awake to an empty bed, glancing at the clock to realise that it’s already past lunch. You must have left for work already, so he indulges in a stretch before lazily making his way into the kitchen to survey his lunch options. 

He catches sight of a post it note on the dining table, and a brief skim of it tells him it’s your usual grocery list. You and him had worked out a schedule of grocery shopping and general household duties, and while he admits that the whole domesticity of it all is a little strange for two friends living together, he doesn’t mind it at all.

But today there’s one new item at the bottom of the list, and Yoongi’s breath catches in his lungs when he registers it.

Birth control- pls help me pick it up at the clinic!! It’s urgent, thanks babe!!

At the back of his mind he wonders if it’s because you and him have started this new arrangement now, if friends with benefits do these kind of things for each other. Suddenly it begins to feel a lot more than just picking up the groceries, a lot more intimate, and Yoongi can’t get the thought of it out of his mind as he hastily boils some water for ramen. Did you always call him babe? It feels like Yoongi can’t even think straight, let alone try and recall your petname or lack thereof for him before all of this even started.

Cursing himself in irritation, he forces the last item to the back of his mind as he reaches for some chopsticks, concentrating on not burning his tongue instead.

But even as he strolls through the aisles of cereal half an hour later, his eyes can’t help but wander down to the very edge of the bright blue post-it. The thought of it is plaguing him incessantly, and he decides that the quicker he crosses it off his list, the better, so he breezes through the rest of the groceries only to find himself at the pharmacy.

“U-um, prescription for Ms ____ please?” He glances at the pharmacist nervously, lowering his voice at the same time.

“One moment please,” the pharmacist acknowledges him with a nod before turning around to rummage through some records, finally pulling out a card and scanning its contents.

“Birth control refill right? Can I see some I.D if you’re collecting on her behalf?”

Yoongi digs out his I.D from the depths of his wallet, sliding it across the table towards the pharmacist. After taking a cursory glance at his photo- one taken back when he still had that horrible mint green hair- she decides that it’s a good enough match to the man standing in front of her. She disappears into the room behind her for a few minutes, leaving Yoongi standing anxiously at the counter.

She reappears with a round packet of foil containing tiny little pills, and deposits them into a small ziplock bag before handing it to him. “Thank you, have a nice day!”

Yoongi hightails it from the pharmacist, shoving the pills into a random grocery bag and trying his best to tame his curiosity over the tiny pink pills. But he reasons that there’s nothing to be secretive about, nothing to be ashamed about either. They’re just pills, just medicine for fuck’s sake. You wouldn’t mind if he took a look at them would you?

Anyway, now that he’s put them together with the cereal, he needs to unpack the groceries when he gets home. So he’ll inevitably stumble upon it, he tells himself as he unlocks the door and steps inside. But the first thing he reaches for is not the cereal, or the perishables like ice cream that really should go in the freezer, but instead the packet of pills that he examines closely.

Yoongi can almost feel the blood rushing to his cock as he flirts with the fantasy of replacing your birth control with sugar pills, placebo ones so that you’ll be ripe and fertile when he cums inside you. Entertains the idea of seeing your belly grow with his seed, watching you walk around the house heavy with his child. His cock grows hard at the thought of you going out with a rounded belly so everyone will know that he fucked you and you belong to him now.

He reaches for the waistband of his sweats and pushes them down his hips, letting his heavy cock spring free as he begins to tug at it feverishly. Stroking his cock to thoughts of drenching your sweet pussy in cum, letting fate decide if the small amount of cum that makes it in will impregnate you or not. His strokes grow faster as he imagines another scenario where he pushes in deep, holding your legs in the air to keep his cum plugged up tight after he releases inside you. Having filled you up so good and deep that none of his cum drips out, instead seeking your fertile egg mercilessly.

Yoongi cums all over the kitchen counter with a groan, feeling dirtier than he’s ever felt in his entire life. You’re far too good for him, so sweet and innocent and for asking him to get your birth control for you and trusting that he won’t fuck with it, especially since he’s already told you he fantasises about you not taking it.

Still light-headed from his orgasm, Yoongi wonders if you’re doing this on purpose to tempt him, and more importantly, to tempt fate itself.

But he brushes the thought aside. When he comes to his senses again, he tucks himself back into his pants, putting your birth control away- not to be touched, he reminds himself- as he cleans up and locks himself in his room.

*

You haven’t seen Yoongi in a few days, the last sign of him being the restocked pantry in the kitchen and your packet of birth control pills sitting on the counter. Disappointment fills your chest a little, as you were dying to see his reaction over having to get you birth control ever since he admitted to imagining you going off it. You really shouldn’t tease him so cruelly like this, but you have to admit that the thought of risking it turns you on as well.

Work ended late today, and you remember belatedly that there’s always a particular week a month that yours and Yoongi’s schedules clash, so you don’t end up seeing each other that often. But your panties have been damp all day at the thought of having his cock pounding into you, and it’s that thought alone that urges you to strip to just your soaked lace panties and bralette as you push open his bedroom door.

“Yoongi?”

It’s well past midnight, and Yoongi has the morning shift the next day, so of course he would be asleep. But you edge towards his bed anyway, placing your weight beside him as the bed dips, watching as he stirs awake to register your barely dressed figure. 

“Wh- fuck, what are you doing here?” He sounds grumpy, on the edge of snapping at you, and you decide you have raise the stakes.

“Daddy, my pussy aches,” you whisper as you slide in beside him, and immediately you can feel his body perk up with interest at the word alone. It’s become your way of signalling to him that you want to roleplay for a bit. “Need you to help me, I can’t sleep.”

“Is that so?” His voice is still hoarse from sleep, deeper than you’ve ever heard before, and it sends a gush into your already ruined panties. “Let me check and see what Daddy can do about it, hmm?”

Yoongi slides his hand down your belly, turning to mouth at your tits sleepily. When his hand meets the soaked patch of lace, he responds with a sharp intake of breath, now fully awake. He pulls the lace away from your folds, sliding his fingers in between them until he’s buried deep in your cunt, and you moan in delight. 

“Mhmm, that’s it Daddy, right there,” you whisper, arching into him as his fingers stroke your walls just right. 

He grinds the heel of his palm into your clit while his fingers are stretching you out deliciously. Yoongi turns to pull the lace of your bralette down with his free hand, taking a nipple into his mouth. “Babygirl is needy for daddy?”

“Yes, want daddy so bad,” you whisper back against his skin, feeling his fingers seek out that rough patch inside you. 

“Look, you’re so nasty, dripping all over my hand,” Yoongi smirks into your breast, tonguing a nipple. “You like having Daddy’s fingers inside you? Like being fingerfucked like this?”

“Yes, I love it so much Daddy,” you suck open mouthed kisses into his neck, whining in protest when he slows down the pace of his fingers.

“Bad girls don’t get to come unless it’s around Daddy’s cock,” Yoongi reminds you, pulling his sticky fingers away and wiping them on your inner thigh crudely. He sits up to spread your legs with two hands on your thighs, exposing your drenched pussy to him as he impatiently rips your panties off.

He shoves the sweatpants to just below his ass, far too desperate to take them off properly. Yoongi wants to feel your walls around him, groaning as his head leaks precum. He rubs his tip against your entrance teasingly, watching as his precum disappears into your slit, and a thrill races through him when he remembers that precum contains sperm as well. You reach a hand down to run your fingers through your slit, playing with your ripe little pussy to tease him and your hole clenches in response, eager to be fucked and Yoongi can’t help but bite his lip hard as he lets his cock push your fingers away.

The first glide is always the best, the feeling of you, hot and bare around him, gripping him with your silky walls as you struggle to take him balls deep. Yoongi swears under his breath as you clench around him, whining and whimpering as your bare pussy is split apart by his cock. He doesn’t think he could go back to using condoms after this, he thinks to himself as he holds himself above you, panting slightly. The slight frown in between your brows concerns him a little, and he pauses in his strokes to press a kiss in between them.

“You okay?” He watches you carefully, dropping the nickname to let you know that he’s genuinely worried.

“Ah, yeah, I’m okay, don’t worry,” you give him a little smile, biting your lip mischievously as you glance down to watch his cock fill you up. “Daddy’s just a little big.”

And then he gets it, you’re just acting up for the roleplay, and he relaxes against your body a little as he presses his balls against your ass. He jerks in surprise when you reach down to dance a few naughty fingers against his balls, feeling the weight of them in your small hands.

When he begins to thrust, you can feel his balls hit your ass with obscene slaps of skin but you’ve never relished the sound as much as now. Yoongi’s face is utterly concentrated as he delivers strong, harsh thrusts into your pussy, and spreading your legs to take him all the way.

“Daddy,” you whisper into his neck as he fucks you into the mattress, feeling a giggle bubble up your throat when you consider your next words. “I have a confession; I’ve been very bad.”

“Oh?” Yoongi is a little confused, but he plays along with you, reaching down to run his tongue along the lobe of your ear as he continues his measured thrusts into you. “What is it?” 

“I forgot my pill today,” you murmur, trying your best to contain a smirk so that he can’t tell if you’re serious or not. You can immediately feel him freeze mid thrust, but even as he pauses, his cock seems to grow harder inside you, and his hips involuntarily jerk forward when you wrap your legs around him. “I’m sorry for forgetting, but can you still fuck me, Daddy? Please?”

“O-of course, sweetheart,” Yoongi is choking on his words, all too consumed in the act, and at this point he can’t even tell if you’re still immersed in your role, but fuck, he can’t bring himself to care. “Daddy will fuck you good, don’t worry.”

“Mmmm, good,” you moan into his ear, spreading your legs wider to offer your willing pussy up to him. “Craving Daddy’s cum inside me so bad. Was thinking about it all day at school.”

“P-princess,” Yoongi’s breathing is growing harsh, his hips moving in stuttering motions as he struggles to compose himself, playing his part of the conflicted boyfriend perfectly, even as a part of him desperately hopes that you did in fact forget to take your pill today. Reality and fantasy are blurring together in a dangerous haze of lustful desire, and Yoongi finds himself more turned on than he’s ever been in his entire life. He swallows hard, resisting the urge to just blast your womb with loads of potent cum to knock you up good and proper, instead keeping in character as he presses tender kisses to your forehead. “Can’t cum inside you, fuck, you might get pregnant, babygirl. It’s not safe.”

“Don’t care,” you grasp him even closer, pussy clenching around his length as you seek to milk him for all he’s worth. You bask in the look of intense conflict on his face, biting your lip as you bare your neck for him, bringing your hands up to palm your breasts and tweak your nipples. “I want Daddy’s baby… want you to fill my tits with so much milk. Won’t you cum inside me and give me a baby?”

Fuck, Yoongi really thinks he might pass out, his heart is in overdrive as he pumps harder into your sopping wet cunt, feeling his cock throbbing non-stop as his orgasm nears. He buries his face into your neck, lips pressed tight against your ear as he imagines seeding your fertile little womb. Giving up all pretenses, he growls deep in your ear, “Just lay back and let Daddy take care of his princess.”

A thrill of exhilaration courses through you as Yoongi’s thrusts increase in speed, and he’s fucking you so hard that you’re moving up the bed with every motion. The feeling of being helplessly pinned under a man so determined to get you pregnant, so eager to seed your pussy fuels your lust like you’ve never felt before.

He diverts his attention to the delicious way in which your tits are bouncing because of his thrusts, and Yoongi can’t help but take a nipple into his mouth while palming the other one, worshipping your breasts with his tongue and hands. When he’s sufficiently teased one nipple into a peak, he switches sides, marking your skin with hues of lavender and violet, imagining how they would swell with milk later on.

“T-tell Daddy where you want his cum, sweetheart.” Yoongi has his tongue tracing the shell of your ear, panting as he nears his high.

“I-in my womb, Daddy, deep inside.”

He can feel your arms around his waist, heels digging into his ass, urging him on deeper as his heavy balls slap against your ass. When he closes his eyes, he can see the packet of birth control pills that he got for you, and the thought of you missing a single day makes him grasp your hips hard, just rutting into your pussy desperately till he’s erupting in streams of semen that fill you up.

“Ahhh shit, fuck, babygirl, Daddy’s coming,” he pants against your neck, a thrill of pleasure shooting down his spine when he feels you coo in delight, laying there submissively as you take his cum like a good little slut should. In the haze of his orgasm he can feel your walls squeezing him tight, milking him so well as you cum around him too.

You lie back and close your eyes, a contented grin making its way onto your face as you relish the feel of his twitching, sensitive dick and the sloppiness of your pussy as he gives you a few slow, tender thrusts. The head of his cock against your soft, receptive cervix, pushing his cum deeper.

“Oh Daddy, your cum feels so warm, thank you,” you push your hips higher, imagining that you’re giving his sperm the best possible chance at reaching your ripe egg. “Let me make you a daddy now.”

Yoongi eventually slows, resting his weight on his arms on either side of your head as he kisses his way down your body, tongue dancing over your silky skin. He places kisses on both breasts, taking his time to suckle each nipple reverently, then in your cleavage, on your ribcage and slowly makes his way down to your stomach, pulling his softening cock out in the process. He scatters a few more kisses on your belly just for good measure before he reaches your mound, stroking your swollen lips gently before laving his tongue through the sticky mess. You’re already dripping even though he pushed in all the way when he came inside you.

“You did so well, baby, took my cum like a good girl,” he whispers, and you bask in his praise, proudly spreading your legs wider to show him your dripping pussy even as you reach down to grasp for one of his hands still on your belly.

“Love you,” you say sleepily, eyes fluttering closed, and Yoongi glances up at you in surprise, his entire body going rigid. 

He’s not sure if you’re still roleplaying with him or not, because you dropped the word ‘Daddy’. But the sight of you laying sated, asleep with a pussy full of his cum and legs still spread wide makes him want to believe that you mean it for real, as he pulls himself up the length of your body, fingers entangled with yours, and loses himself in your scent.

*

“You seem different lately,” Hoseok comments with narrowed eyes as he watches you sort through the new batch of lipsticks that just came in.

“Hmm, really? How? Like more caffeinated, rounder, and just more tired in general?” You unbox the tubes and start to check over each product for any defects before you decide how to best put them on display. “Wouldn’t be surprised, my supervisor just rejected my latest draft.”

“No, no,” Hoseok shakes his head, kneeling beside you to pick up a random tube as he studies your face a little more intently. “God, why do you always have to take everything so negatively? I meant in a good way.”

You can only roll your eyes as you snatch a tube from him. “Please, don’t act like you weren’t the first one to call me out on my eyebags that last time. Said ‘someone who sells makeup should have some standards at least.’”

And although Hoseok is more than just a co-worker at this point- he’s stuck with you through 12 hour shifts followed by drunken attempts to finish your proposals- you know he isn’t one to beat around the bush. If you look like shit, he will say it, but then he’ll offer to touch up your concealer after.

“I provide nothing but the truth,” he shrugs indifferently, moving away from you to dig out another box of shipments. “I can’t exactly place it, but you look different. Does this have to do with a certain Min Yoongi breaking up with his girlfriend last month?”

Damn Jung Hoseok. He’s nothing but perceptive, and you’re nothing but a bad liar, so you don’t even have to reply, because the expression on your face gives it all away.

“I knew it! You’ve been lusting over that dick for how long now?”

As much as you hate to admit it, you have indeed been pining over your roommate for the longest time ever, not that you’ll ever say this out loud, but in reality, you don’t really need to, because Hoseok will say it for you. But you can’t exactly begin to describe how this all started, exactly, because one day you were moving in with a complete stranger on a completely new lease, slowly getting accustomed to his awful sleeping habits and even worse diets, and the next you were camping out on a couch with him, pulling the same all-nighters while ingesting unhealthy, even lethal amounts of wine and Cheetos. And then you find yourself cuddling up to him in the name of platonic friendship, even though you know deep down in your bones that the racing of your heart, the staccato beat that it drums out against your ribcage is anything but platonic.

It’s always been complicated.

“It’s simple, really,” you shrug nonchalantly. “He just broke up with his girlfriend and he’s a little upset, and lo and behold, who should be conveniently around to provide a little physical reassurance?”

Hoseok doesn’t seem convinced the slightest bit by your tirade as he slices into the cardboard box with a box cutter. 

“I mean, if you say so… just be careful, you know how these relationships end, one party always gets- FUCK! That’s it!!!” His sudden exclamation startles you, and your hand immediately flies over your chest. 

“Good fucking heavens, what the fuck is it?” You exhale in exasperation, detesting his ability to blow even the smallest of matters up with his over exaggerated reactions.

“I know what’s different about you now,” Hoseok grins triumphantly as he holds up a small makeup pan that seems to contain a very reflective looking powder that glistens under the harsh lights of the shop’s display within it. “You’ve got that natural glow, that highlight!! Like y’know, the ones mothers always have. That pregnancy glow, as they call it.” 

You can’t help but snort in response. “What? You’ve truly gone off your rocker this time, Jung Hoseok. Because I know the only highlight I’ve got going on here is sweat, au naturel.”

He purses his lips in contemplation, causes his dimples to make an appearance as he surveys your face again. “No, I really do think you look glowier. Must be the power of sausage Min.”

“Ew, please don’t ever associate dicks with food again.” You wave him away dismissively as you finish unboxing the last of the lipsticks and move over to help him with the highlighters.

But his words have struck a chord, and your mind can’t help but wander back to the roleplay that you and Yoongi have established as the norm now. As hot as it might be, the thought of it turning into reality scares you to no end, especially since you’re still a post graduate student buried up over the head in debt. It’s not the thought about giving birth or any of those gory details that puts you off, rather it’s the fear of financial inadequacy and the level of commitment that you’d have to devote to rearing another tiny person in your life.

The bell rings, and you have to brush the thought away to attend to customers.

*

It’s the arrival of your usual tuition fee bill that throws everything off.

You’ve managed to get by quite comfortably for the past few years on a combination of a student loan, partial scholarship funding and a part time job, and while you were by no means living a life of luxury, you could afford the occasional weekend roadtrip every once in a while.

But now as you stare at the letter in your hands, there is a sense of dread that overwhelms you.

Dear ______,

This is accompanying your semester’s tuition fees for undertaking the post graduate program. We are gravely regretful to inform you that your scholarship funding has been withdrawn due to undisclosed reasons on several benefactor’s sides, and we are no longer able to provide this source of financial support for you, effective immediately. 

While we understand that this may affect you greatly, we are unable to provide any extensions for school fees. Please be reminded that failure to pay your school fees on time would result in a delayed graduation, and in some cases, termination.

Please contact the Financial Support Office if you have any further queries.

For a moment you remain on the couch, entirely paralyzed by the shock that ensues, yet not entirely comprehending the consequences that might result from this letter. The words itself are running through your head over and over, but you don’t move a muscle, because if you stay entirely still, then maybe time will stop and you don’t have to deal with this.

But reality always sets in sooner or later.

A well of desperation threatens to drag you under as you take the letter, walking to your room and trying your best to stop the tears from spilling. It’s in moments like these that you pride yourself on your unwavering rationality and persistence to find a solution to get you out of this, but even so, you can’t help but feel the urge to just give up, let your panic consume you entirely.

You open the lid of your laptop with shaky hands, waking it up with a few taps on the touchpad. Immediately opening up a search engine, you attempt to source for other kinds of funding through your school’s website, only stumbling upon scholarships and awards similar to yours, not awarded mid semester. A few clicks bring you to more prestigious awards that you know you haven’t a chance in hell of scoring, so you close the tab immediately.

After a while of browsing, your eyes grow weary and tired, throat thick and sore from holding back all your tears, and that’s when you almost miss it. The very last link on the page titled ‘Alternative Sources of Funding for Post Grads’: Funding for Students with Child(ren).

With bated breath, you click on the link and skim down the page briefly, taking in all the requirements and small print.

Eligibility: To be eligible for this source of funding, applicants have to provide birth certificate for existing children who must be living with them under the same household. In addition, the University also takes into consideration expectant mothers. To apply, simply submit proof of pregnancy by a certified medical professional.

And then Hoseok’s words come back to haunt you again, and the pounding in your temples only grows worse.

Get pregnant just for the sake of extra funding? Is this what you’ve become?

It’s ridiculous. Plain and simple. There’s no way this is worth a lifetime commitment of a baby. And yet…

If you don’t finish this post graduate degree, there’s almost no way you’ll be able to make it out in the real world, because your discipline is worthless as an undergraduate degree. You’ve heard horror stories of seniors and alumni who didn’t go on to post grad being reduced to doing menial work or changing line completely. Doing this would open up an entire new avenue of opportunities for you, and not to mention, allow you to stay in the field that makes you feel most alive, makes you feel like all those long nights spent slogging away was finally worth it, like you’re living your life exactly the way you want it to.

But there has to be another way.

Exhausted, you shove your laptop away and crawl into bed, finally unable to keep the tears at bay as you succumb to the sweet tendrils of sleep that drag you under.

*

This is how Yoongi finds you the next morning, with dried mascara streaks on your cheeks and still in your work attire of jeans and a uniform shirt.

He sighs through his nose, already hating the prospect of waking you up from your slumber. He’d hate to be woken up from a deep sleep himself, but he knows that if he lets you continue like this, you’ll most likely develop some kind of spinal deformation just from your horrible sleeping posture alone.

So he reaches over to slide his arms under your back and knees to reposition you properly, but he freezes when his arm accidentally brushes against your laptop’s touchpad, waking it from sleep. He reads the title of the last webpage you were on, before his eyes fall to the discarded letter by your side.

The words are jumbled, and they don’t make sense to him till he finally registers the official letterhead of the university, and then everything clicks into place. He swallows hard as his eyes skim back over your sleeping form, and all of a sudden there’s an unfamiliar tug in his chest, and it’s hard to do anything but slide in beside you with his arms wrapped tight around your waist.

Work can wait, he decides, as he presses his lips to your forehead briefly.

*

An unfamiliar sensation of someone’s arms wrapped tight around you makes you stir from your sleep, and when you open your eyes, you come face to face with Yoongi’s peaceful, sleeping expression. He’s always the most beautiful when he sleeps, all the worries and weight of the world are gone from in between his eyebrows, his lips stretched into a content little smile.

And he likes to sleep with his legs curled up into his body.

The thought of it makes you grin in amusement, but then his eyes flutter open and you’re caught in the act. 

“Watching me sleep now?”

“Was not,” you counter back even as you secretly admire the milky smooth texture of his skin. “Don’t you have work?”

“Cancelled,” he blinks a few times before closing his eyes again, and he almost drifts back to sleep, but the movement of you sitting up is disturbing him. A few seconds later, your voice, tense and defensive, stirs him fully awake.

“D-did you see this?” You’re holding the letter in one hand, and your laptop is awake again.

“Yeah.” Yoongi decides that playing it cool is the best approach, because you seem too worked up for your own good already. “Caught a glimpse of it when I was gonna wake you up for breakfast a few hours ago.” 

You stare at him in silence for what seems like hours, before a disdainful chuckle breaks out. “You must think I’m some kind of desperate slut right? What kind of person would even consider getting pregnant for money?”

Yoongi murmurs your name in the depth of his chest in an attempt to get your attention, but you’re far too distraught for that, the dilemma of your situation sinking back in.

“And there are people out there who are actually trying to have a child out of love and can’t,” tears are welling up in your eyes, but you swipe at your cheeks violently, evidently frustrated with not only the situation, but yourself as well. “What have I become, Yoongi?”

His heart is aching as he watches you claw at your face, and before you can do any further damage, he reaches to grab your wrist to stop you. “It’s not unethical, ______. You’re judging yourself way too harshly- who’s to say you won’t love the child just as much as the next parent?”

“Doesn’t it disgust you that I’m seriously considering this?” You stare at him through watery eyes, and when he shakes his head, you can’t help but feel a bitterness rise within your chest that makes you lash out at him. “Yoongi, this is real fucking life, not just some deluded fantasy or role play. You don’t get it, do you?”

Your accusation hits him where it really hurts, and his hackles rise in defence. “Of course I fucking know this is real, it’s your damn life, how could I forget that? Let’s just forget I have that damn kink in the first place and think about this rationally-“

“No, we can’t forget about it, because you’re talking with your dick,” you shoot back, pushing yourself off the bed just to have some distance in between you. “I don’t think you really understand how big the stakes are here- getting pregnant means bringing a new life into this world that I’ll have to be responsible for, and raising a child all on my own is not something I’m financially or mentally capable of right now-“

“Then let me help you.”

The words are frozen on your tongue, but Yoongi’s expression is dead serious, nothing to suggest that he’s joking even in the slightest.

“This has nothing to do with my kink,” he carries on, making sure that his gaze is locked dead on yours so that you can’t look away.

“Th-then what is it?” You’re almost afraid to hear the answer to your own question, because it doesn’t make sense in the slightest. Why would Yoongi offer to do anything like this when he’s not even the least bit in love with you? A child is a lifetime commitment, and it’s insane that he would even consider something like this when all he has for you are platonic feelings.

“I want to help you, I want to do it with you,” the words come out in a rush of exhaled breath from his lips, one that nearly knocks you off your feet as you comprehend them in disbelief. 

“You want to do… what with me?”

Yoongi swallows hard, regret immediately clouding his chest when he sees your frown of disbelief, but he’s already fucked, and he can’t take back his words now. So with the courage he didn’t know he had, he meets your eyes again. “I want to have a baby with you.”

“Wh- what did you just say?”

“You’re it for me,” his confession comes out in a dishevelled heap of spent breath and desperation. “It was always just a kink with all my exes, I never wanted anything to materialise from it because it scared the shit out of me. But with you… it’s different. It sounds cliché as hell, and I don’t know why or how, it just is. I just want to give you everything in the world, and watching you struggle like this fucking hurts, okay?” 

Everything’s out in the open now, and he can see your eyes widen as you take a step back, and a sinking feeling in his stomach makes him feel like the entire room is spinning. He digs his fingers into the sheets just to ground himself to reality, a reality where he’s a sliver away from losing you.

“I-I need to go to work,” you mumble, wrenching the door open to let yourself out, and before he knows it, Yoongi hears the front door slam, and then you’re gone.

*

“My roommate is trying to get me pregnant.”

There’s a conversation starter Hoseok hasn’t heard before, and he does a double take at you over the top of his screen. “Um, I don’t think I got that right, one more time please?”

Your resulting glare has him clearing his throat and pushing his laptop away so he can see you fully. You’re biting your lip with a pensive frown as you attempt to keep typing out your proposal that’s also due in just a few days, and while Hoseok has certainly seen you at your worst, he can’t say he’s ever seen you look this distressed before.

It’s certainly the first time he’s ever been at a loss for words like this, but he doesn’t resort to his usual acerbic comment or biting remark, because he can tell that the situation is really dire this time.

“Um… context would be useful.” Hoseok watches as you type away resolutely. “Also, is this aforementioned roommate Min Yoongi by any chance?”

“What other roommate do I have?” You fight the urge to roll your eyes, but you know that you’re simply just projecting your frustration onto him, and that’s not fair. “It’s because my scholarship has been rescinded and I have to find alternative sources of funding so I can continue slogging my guts out over this stupid proposal that won’t write itself,” you let out a long sigh, punching at the spacebar harder than you need to.

“Wait, I don’t see the link between needing money and getting pregnant,” Hoseok raises an eyebrow, looking genuinely confused, not like he’s trying to make fun of you. “Wouldn’t having a child deplete you of more money?”

“Not with the grant for expecting mothers,” you shake your head wearily even as you meet his glance, relieved to find not even a trace of judgement in them. “It’s a… substantial amount of money, Hope-ah, enough for my post grad and a baby with plenty to spare.”

Your voice cracks when you use your nickname for him, something that you don’t ever do unless you’re just about to break down, right at the edge of cracking like that one time you got kicked out of the house by your family for pursuing a “useless” career path.

Hoseok slumps back in his seat. “Wow the government must be pretty damn desperate for babies, then.”

“Wait, that’s all you can say? You’re supposed to talk me out of this!!” You grab his arm in desperation, almost willing the savage Hoseok that you know and don’t love to resurface and roast the hell out of you.

Hoseok merely shrugs, to your immense surprise. “It’s a pretty decent idea, and don’t get me wrong here, and you’re not the type to jump in head first without thoroughly considering the pros and cons of something. I know you, _____, and if you’re seriously thinking about this, then I trust your judgement and I’ll be behind you all the way.” 

You stare at him for a moment, completely dumbfounded as you try to process this unusual show of faith in your decision making capabilities. 

“But just one thing,” Hoseok continues on, ignoring your tightening grip on his arm. “What does Yoongi have to say about this?” 

“He said he wants to do it.” Just the sound of his name is dredging up memories of him that you don’t want to confront, and you squeeze your eyes shut tightly. “He said he wants to have a baby with me. A-and he said he wants to be fully involved afterwards too.”

“Well then, what’s the fucking problem? Go fuck him and get knocked up, bitch!” Hoseok throws his hands up in the air, attracting the attention of a few other people in the small coffeeshop, and you glare at him.

“You don’t understand,” you hiss at him. “Why the fuck would he want to do this? Tie himself down to a girl he doesn’t love and throw away the rest of his golden years?” 

But then Hoseok leans in with a pensive look on his face, grabbing you by the shoulders and pulling you in close. “That’s right, _____, why would Yoongi do this? When he could be out there playing the field and having any girl he wants, why would he choose you?”

You pull away, not used to him being so serious. “Are you kidding me right now, Jung Hoseok? I’m not fucking around-“

“Neither am I, god, you’re just so dense sometimes, you’re really smart in everything else that you do, but this-“ Hoseok pulls back with a resigned sigh. “I want you to think really carefully about why Yoongi might do this.”

“He’s a deranged moron who lacks proper decision making skills?” You don’t want to tell him the part about Yoongi’s kink, because it feels way too private and intimate, so you just make up some excuse from the top of your head. Because you honestly cracked your brain over this for the past few hours already, and if Jung Hoseok is going to sit here and make fun of you like this, you’ll take your caramel macchiato somewhere else alright-

“He’s in love with you, you fucking idiot,” Hoseok rolls his eyes heavenwards as you choke on your drink in utter confusion. “Love really is blind…”

“Excuse me, what the fuck did you just say?�� You catch the last part of his sentence as he mutters under his breath. “And I don’t know where you got that from, but you’re utterly, completely wrong-“

“Look, like you said, men don’t offer to tie themselves down to a woman just like that,” Hoseok explains patiently, and as he continues talking, you feel an unsettling churn in your stomach, your uneasiness growing as you consider his words. “The circumstances right now may be a little weird and skewed, and maybe that’s why you’re stumbling around like a blind fool, but it’s essentially a confession. At least from my point of view from an uninvolved party.”

Silence intrudes into the conversation for a while, and a part of you just won’t give in that easily, won’t let yourself succumb to the sweet notion that the unrequited love you’ve been nursing all these years is finally reciprocating. Because life isn’t a damn movie, things just don’t fall into place so neatly, this is not how your life usually goes.

Hoseok can see the gears turning in your head, and he sees right through that façade of indifference that you struggle to maintain. “_____, you need to stop torturing and beating yourself up like this. You deserve to be happy, and the chance is literally right in front of you. Just let yourself be happy for once. There’s literally nothing stopping you except for yourself standing in the damn way.”

Maybe he’s right.

Hoseok shuts the lid of your laptop for you, sliding it back in its case as you wipe your cheeks hastily. Just as you open your mouth to spout out some nonsense about “what if he doesn’t love me back”, your phone lights up with a message from him, and he’s asking to see you.

“Go get him, bitch,” Hoseok whispers under his breath as you push yourself out your chair with a strength you didn’t know you’d had. 

* 

The 5 minute walk home turns into a 10 minute amble, and you tell yourself that you’re just trying to make the most out of the cool autumn air that slices past your cheeks. Or that you’re just trying to mentally prepare yourself for the upcoming encounter, but no matter how many deep breaths you take, you simply can’t exhume the anxiety that is clouding up your chest.

Regretfully, you reach your front door all too soon, and every move you make feels as if you’re walking on eggshells as you slowly unlock the door and step inside, deliberately shedding your coat as slowly as possible before you approach the living room hesitantly.

“In here,” Yoongi calls from the kitchen, and you peek your head around the corner to see him standing at the counter awkwardly, looking as if he just tumbled out of bed in his white shirt and grey sweats. “H-how was work?”

“Was okay,” you take a few steps closer so that only the dining table separates you now. “I lied, actually. I didn’t have work. I just saw Hoseok because he needed help with his thesis.”

“Oh.” His single word punctuates the tension fraught atmosphere between the two of you, and ever since you stepped into this kitchen, you’ve yet to make eye contact with him.

But as your eyes slowly cross the span of the kitchen to his figure, you realise that he’s preoccupied with something on the counter- and you realise that it looks like cake batter. 

“A-are you baking?” You exclaim incredulously, and Yoongi’s head immediately whips around.

“Had some leftover eggs in the fridge that needed to be used up,” he says by means of explanation, and at that moment, you can’t help but burst into laughter.

“So you decided to bake an entire cake?” Your words are a little muffled by your hand covering your mouth. “Instead of something like… I don’t know, an omelette or scrambled eggs?”

“Hey, cakes are nice,” Yoongi crosses his arms in defense, somehow managing to get cake batter on his cheek. “Omelettes are nasty, and scrambled eggs are breakfast, and it’s already almost dinner.”

“But still-“

“And besides, you love cake.”

His words stop you short, and your eyes lock onto his from across the kitchen: messy blonde hair held back by a red bandana, batter smeared on one cheek, flour stains on his grey sweats and fidgeting a little under your gaze. He can’t meet your eyes except for tiny little sneaky glances, and that’s when you realise: Min Yoongi is truly nervous, and you’ve never seen him like this before.

“D-do you really want to?” You whisper across the span of the kitchen. “Do you really want to have a baby with me?” 

And Yoongi is all sorts of anxious and vulnerable right now- he’s not used to having such direct confrontations nor does he want to be turned down by the girl he loves twice in a row, but you deserve nothing less than a man who can stand by his word.

“Yes, I want to.”

“B-but we’re not married.” The thought suddenly comes to you in a rush of breath, and Yoongi’s own breath hitches in his chest.

“We could get married, if that’s what you want,” he offers casually, pretending as if his heart isn’t racing a million miles a minute by now, but your expression is still unreadable. He goes back to stirring the cake batter, already mentally searching for friends he can crash with for the night while he figures out alternative living plans and-

“Okay.”

Yoongi’s eyes widen, he nearly drops the whisk into the lumpy vanilla batter. “Wh-what?”

“I said okay,” you offer him a tentative smile, watching as he slowly glances up from the humongous mixing bowl in front of him.

And then in the blink of an eye, he’s striding across the room and his sticky hands are on your waist, pulling you in for a kiss. That’s when you realise he’s probably been sampling the cake batter all along, but the milky sweetness on his tongue draws you in even more as you wrap your arms around his waist tight.

“Y-you really shouldn’t eat cake batter, you know,” you gasp into his mouth as he pulls away, intent on exploring the curve of your neck. “Raw eggs are bad for you.”

“The only eggs I can think about right now are yours,” he flashes you a gummy little smile, all too aware that it was a cringeworthy line, but he doesn’t give a fuck even if you laugh at him because that sound is the most precious thing he’s ever heard, and he’d give anything just to hear it again. “And the only kind of batter you should be talking about is my baby batter.”

You can only express your disgust by slapping him on the chest, pretending to scowl in irritation before you give in to his persistent kisses and attempts to lift your shirt up. His hands skim over your belly as he pulls you in close, leading you to his room in an awkward backward walk.

“Sh-shouldn’t you get down on one knee and propose first? I don’t think that was a proper proposal-ah!” Yoongi pulls down one side of your bra and has taken your nipple into his mouth, but glances up at you when you say this.

“I’ll do you one better, I’ll get on down on both knees and eat you out instead, how about that” Yoongi smirks, ever the smart mouth, but your protests are silenced when he really does kneel down and unbutton your jeans. He places a hand on your stomach to push you back gently, encouraging you to sit on the foot of the bed as he peels away your pants and underwear.

“I’m not wet yet,” you say in slight mortification, attempting to close your legs to stop him. “A-and I didn’t shave, Yoongi, you don’t have to-“

Yoongi tsks in disapproval, reprimanding you with just a single glance that makes your thighs fall apart for him again. “Does it look like I give a fuck?”

And then his tongue is lapping away at your center, hair and all, and it’s the hottest thing he’s ever done. Yoongi has his fingers on your labia, spreading them apart as he laves his tongue around your clit in gentle circles, avoiding direct contact with it since he knows you’re extra sensitive if you’re not warmed up yet. The warm softness of his tongue slides down to your slit a moment later, and you belatedly realise that you’re already wetter than you thought. As he gives your slit tiny little kitten licks, he rubs two fingers on either side of your clit, in a manner that has your hips bucking up into his face in mere seconds.

“Yoongi, ah- fuck, right there.” His tongue teases your entrance a few times before he’s licking up every drop of your arousal, switching to open mouthed kisses as he practically devours your pussy.

A glance downwards reveals his cheeks and chin absolutely coated in your wetness, and the fact that he doesn’t even mind makes you want to grind into his face. Yoongi switches it up by attaching his lips to your clit as he slides two fingers deep into you, and you whine your appreciation for his attention to detail even as you reach down to grab his hair.

“Y-yoongi, don’t wanna cum like this,” you pant out in desperation as he increases the pace of his fingers. “Wanna cum around your cock instead.”

But Yoongi is unfazed, and he doesn’t let up on his pace, only withdrawing briefly to kiss your inner thigh. “Plenty of time for that princess, just come on my tongue first.”

And with that he’s back to toying with your clit with the tip of his tongue, alternating between flat licks and teasing circles, and with a faint gasp of his name, you tighten around his fingers and gush all over his willing tongue.

Yoongi laps everything up, cleaning your pussy with fervour as he helps you come down from your high with slow strokes of his fingers. You lay there boneless for a minute, trying to regain your energy when he slides his arm around your waist, readjusting you so that your entire body is on the bed.

“How was that for a proposal?” He looks mighty pleased with himself, and you have to admit that no one’s ever eaten you out that good before.

“Was okay,” you shrug, giving him an unimpressed smile just to rile him up. “Still want my ring though.”

“Greedy minx,” he shoots back, but he can’t help but grin at how satisfied you look.

“You won’t be calling me greedy after this,” you turn toward him and push yourself onto your knees, reaching for the waistband of his sweats.

Your hand slides over his bulge, giving him a gentle squeeze as he raises an eyebrow with interest. When you tug on his sweats, he lifts his hips to help you with them, and you push them to his ankles before your hand is around the base of his cock, stroking him with deft flicks of your wrist.

Precum is already bubbling at the head, and you use it to make your strokes even messier. You lower yourself so that you can tease your tongue at his base, licking a thick stripe up as he breathes heavily. His balls are full and round, and you can’t resist but to take one of them in your mouth, being careful of your teeth as you roll the other one in your palm, looking up at him for approval.

“That’s Daddy’s good girl,” he barely manages to get his words out, especially when you scatter small kisses over his length, and pop the tip of his cock in your mouth and suckle at him. Your tongue teases his head as you drool over his cock, and Yoongi swears you’ve never looked more beautiful than right this moment when you’re worshipping his cock.

The way you suckle on his tip, glancing up at him innocently with those wide eyes is rapidly undoing him.

“Your cock is so good Daddy,” you drag his dripping tip all over your cheeks, letting his precum stain your face, and Yoongi groans.

Just as you’re about to lower your lips to take him in to his base, he stops you with a hand on your cheek.

“Later, wanna fuck you now,” Yoongi says as he sits up, reaching for your waist to tug you into the position he desires. When you whine in protest, wanting to taste his saltiness in your mouth, he gives you a quick kiss on the cheek instead. “You can suck me off to get me ready for round 2 later.”

“Who said I was giving you a round 2?” You let Yoongi ease you onto your back, and your legs immediately spread wide for him, raising your knees to your chest to show him your dripping slit.

His mental faculties are at a loss at the sight of your glistening pussy, dipping his fingers in your arousal to stroke you gently. “Gotta go a few rounds to make sure you’re pregnant, did you forget that?”

And with that his hand is back around his cock, stroking leisurely as he lets his head tease your clit, sliding back and forth through your drenched lips. His tip catches on your entrance a few times, but he refuses to just slide all the way in, and you reach for his thighs in frustration.

“Want your cock now, don’t tease please,” you try and angle your hips up to get him to slide in, but he only dances his fingers over your drenched slit a few more times in response.

“Daddy has to make your pussy gush before he can fuck you, baby,” he grinds his palm over your clit, satisfied when it makes a squelching sound. “That’s more like it.”

“It’s so sticky, Daddy,” you grin up at him, watching as strings of your arousal cling to his cock.

“Daddy’s about to make it a lot stickier.” And with that, he slides in balls deep, and it’s always that first thrust that feels the best, the firm hardness of his cock spreading your walls wide, as he gives you a few practice thrusts.

“You feel so good,” you grab his hips to urge him on even deeper as he begins to pick up the pace. Yoongi hitches your legs around his hips as he begins to sink into your pussy faster, watching his cock disappear into your slick depths.

The feeling of your walls, hot and bare around him has his balls clenching already, and it’s made worse when you reach down to fondle him with both hands.

“Daddy’s balls feel so full,” you whisper in fascination as you squeeze them very gently, feeling the weight of them in your hand. “Looks like daddy has a big load for me today?”

“Daddy has a huge load,” Yoongi assures you as he rams his cock deeper, feeling your walls clench around him. “And it’s all yours, princess.”

He pushes your thighs tight against your chest, and your pussy squeezes hard around him even as he works his hips faster and faster, feeling your arousal drip out all over his balls. Skin is slapping against skin, and he’s just about ready to blow his load deep inside you where it belongs. He doesn’t even know if you’re fertile or not, but it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that you’re here and under him, so willing and eager for his seed.

You slide your arms around his neck, bringing his lips closer as you feel the white hot electricity slide down your spine and congregate in your belly. “I’m so close, please, want your cum Yoongi, wanna have your baby.”

The way you drop the name play isn’t unnoticed by Yoongi, and he appreciates this reminder of reality that this is really happening, his dream girl is really letting him get her pregnant, and his cock throbs in anticipation of the huge load that’s churning in his balls.

“Yeah? Want my cum? Gonna fill you up so good you’ll be dripping for days, you love having a pussy full of cum don’t you? Good girls always go to sleep with a fresh load of cum deep inside.” Yoongi can’t help the filth that’s spewing from his lips as he tilts your hips up for him, pushing himself into a squatting position so he can make sure gravity is on his side. Every thrust has his balls slapping against your clit as the head of his cock brushes your cervix repeatedly. “You want to cum, princess?”

“Yes, Yoongi, please,” you bite your lip hard as he’s practically on top of you, his thrusts hitting you so deep right where you need him.

“Mmhm, only if I can knock you up, baby.” Yoongi is desperate to hear those words from your lips again, if only to reassure himself that this is his reality now. 

“Do it, I want it so bad, want you to give me a baby,” you whine as he pushes your thighs down with his weight, and his thrusts are becoming messy and sloppy as he grunts and pants into your ear, and it’s the hottest sounds you’ve ever heard.

“Fuck, gonna cum, fill you up so full,” Yoongi can barely manage a last warning as he shoves in deep and he explodes deep inside you, flooding you with warm cum. Just as he’s coming, he releases your thighs from his grip only to press a hand on your lower belly, feeling the exact spot where you’ll be swollen and full of his baby.

You can feel the way his length twitches inside you as he fills you up, and his cum is so warm reaching down to cup his balls again, you’re fascinating with the way they pulse as he continues to drench your womb with semen, Yoongi even gives you a few thrusts in response.

When he’s stopped spurting inside you, he pulls out carefully, making sure none of his cum spills out by supporting your ass with a pillow he hastily drags over. It’s then that he parts your lips and gives your clit a few rough licks, which is all the attention you need for your walls to clench tightly around nothing, and you arch your hips up as your muscles tremble and shake.

“Fuck, you took my cum so well, sucked it all up like a good girl,” Yoongi kisses your inner thighs before he strokes the slight swell of your belly, admiring how swollen your pussy looks from his vantage point between your legs. “I hope that was it.”

His hand is flat on your belly, and he looks really hopeful that you almost don’t want to burst his bubble.

“Um, Yoongi, I don’t think I’m ovulating.” You bite your lip as you watch him stick out his lower lip in a pout.

“Could have told me this before I went all sappy on you like that.” Yoongi withdraws his hand from your stomach, and you grin at him as he crawls back up the length of your body.  His tone is vaguely annoyed, but you know it’s all just for show especially when he reaches for your hand and slips his palm against yours as he tucks his body behind you. “Wait, does this mean you’re off the pill now? And that time you told me you ‘forgot’ too?”

You shrug nonchalantly. “Yeah, I went off it since I asked you to get me birth control.”

“Fuck, so that time we were actually risking it?” He breaths out harshly against your skin. “God. I can’t believe you.”

“I mean, it’s not like anything happened, I wasn’t ovulating then. I know when it’s safe, believe it or not, Min Yoongi.”

He only shrugs as he slides his arms round to your front, spooning you as he pushes his nose into the curve of your neck. Yoongi has his palm on the smooth skin of your lower belly. “Sperm can live in the body for up to five days… so this could still be it.”  

“Anyway, I think I’ll have to fuck you a few more times, just to be sure.”

#bangtan bookclub #kwriterskollection #bts #bts smut #bts yoongi #yoongi smut #suga smut

[lenaluthorownsme-blog]

First, I would not deny the fact that I have been privileged in every aspect, especially when I was a kid. By privileged, I mean it most on food. Since I was a child I was always told that it was okay, it was okay to have an extra serving of this and that – of everything. It was awesome back then; I can always get that extra pack of Skittles, of M&Ms, and of almost all my favorite food to eat and it was okay to do just that, until it was not. Until adolescence hit me, until I can no longer look at myself on the mirror without cringing, without being disgusted, without hating myself for how I looked. Until I started being conscious of how people see me and what they see when they look at me, at adolescence it was scary.

I got my period a little too early on, but it was normal for a teenager I was told. Until college came the same time hormonal imbalance slipped right in, it was severe in a sense that the monthly cycle began to be a twice-a-year-thing. And I think that has been one of the many reasons I started gaining weight. College was a constant cycle of starting a diet and losing track of the goal, putting another day of exercise off, talking myself out of doing the things that will help me feel better about myself, just because I know I can always do it tomorrow. Yes, the magical promise of a new start brought to me by tomorrow was not as magical as it sounds every time the fact that I lost another day of progress flaunts its face on the mirror the morning after the night of full procrastination.

I love food. It is not a shocking revelation but I do! I even eat when I’m not hungry just bored. I love snacking. I love meat, and rice was a staple in all of them big meals. That was the reason why I found it really hard to find the type of diet I can stick too. I’m always too scared to let go of my usual, I mean, aren’t we all? (It’s just me! haha) Anyway, I know I’ve lacked will and discipline in college because I always have an excuse to eat out or just eat. There’s always dad’s cooking, a hangout, an overnight project, a classmate’s birthday treat, a four to five hour break in between subjects and all the excuse you can use when you’re mentally stressed and physically exhausted. That took a toll on me and it wasn’t pretty because I started stress eating then I’d feel bad about myself for stress eating that usually ends up with me snacking – unhealthy snacks. On top of that, I lived a pretty sedentary life, the only ‘workout’ I get in a weekday is walking around the campus, which wasn’t much either and none on the weekends. (Not with all these series and movies to watch and books to read. Another lame excuse I know that too.)

I was a year through my first job when something in my brain clicked, I can’t remember exactly what made me decide to give up my usual ways to be healthier, maybe it was all because of the added struggles that came along being overweight (That word stung and every now and then it still does). Around April 2017, I summoned every ounce of courage and discipline and will I have in me to actually turn my back to rice and snacking, my two guilty pleasures.

It was hard. It took more than a dozen times of explaining to my officemates and friends and family that I’ve completely blocked out rice in my daily meals. At first, they thought I was joking and believe me, I thought I did too. But the burrowed guilt from years of living unhealthily (at least for me) is no longer bearable. I know guilt isn’t something that should be a constant part of my dealing with food but I couldn’t deny that for the first few months guilt, fuelled the fire of staying in track and finally working out.

I must admit that I became a calorie-restricted-person and a calorie-counter. It used to drive my officemates and my parents crazy until they got used to it. I know it doesn’t work the same with other people but I like implementing rules on myself and calorie restrictions and calorie counting has become my golden rule. My daily routine of breakfast-lunch-snacks-snacks-dinner was suddenly just lunch & dinner.

After cutting all the bad habits, the next thing I worried about was the relapse. So instead of being bored, which I know would get me to thinking about food and eventually eating, I focused on researching about other types of diet, until I came across intermittent fasting. I started on intermittent fasting a month after I gave up rice, fast food, chocolates, candies, chips, cookies, biscuits, fruit juices, sodas, and any other types of food I deemed indulgent.

I started on a 12-14 hour fasting to 16-18 hours, and of course, hunger was a great distraction in the first few weeks so I gave in and inserted coffee instead of water to pacify it and that actually worked just fine for me. My routine was to replace breakfast meal with coffee, eat my lunch at around 1pm and eat my dinner no later than 8pm.

Aside from that, I started working out after work everyday. I used various apps like Walking, SWORKIT, and STRAVA to help me with what type of workout I should do everyday, and to keep track on my health and the activities I was able to perform. I also keep MyFitnessPal handy to monitor the foods I eat every day, like a diary. Only it tells me how much calorie I’ve already eaten, how much more I need to fulfil my healthy goal of 1300 calories, and how much calorie I’ve burned through out the day.

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During the first two months, I thought I was just being ridiculous because I can’t see any changes yet, the last time I weighed in by this time was the one before I went into the whole diet and I was scared of weighing in again and see that not much has changed. My brain really does the trick on me, with all the overthinking about what my parents and friends and officemates who came to know about me going on a diet would have to say. You see, until then I was concern about what other people has to say like it mattered and I know it’s a bad thing but I can’t just stop at least not at that time. Because it was also a driver for me to do better and prove them wrong.

And then June came, when I told myself ‘fuck it, I’m just gonna do what I have to do and not wait for the results to come fast’ because by then I knew waiting impatiently on seeing the results right away would just waste the energy I can use for other more worthwhile activities. So I stuck with my intermittent fasting and calorie counting and added a new workout that includes a pair of dumbbells instead.

By this time, I’ve already proven that being in this kind of journey having friends who actually support you (despite the teasing and occasional temptation they brought) helps a lot. Because I had to decline a few hangouts here and there, I wasn’t easily persuaded to have a lunch out, happy hour became a no go, and all other social gathering that involves eating a lot. All with a secret promise that when I reach my weight goal, I’d eventually come around, they just have to be patient to me while I do what’s best for myself.

Third month brought me confidence, although not that much but I felt it. It started when I decided to buy a of pair pants, which I dreaded doing before because I know I’ll have to look on the bigger sized ones and that was exactly what conked my self-pity before. But not that time when I was welcomed by the fact that my waistline was actually 5 inches down from the original. This month also made me feel healthier, that a few flight of stairs didn’t scare me anymore because there was no laboured breathing. Although the sweating was still there, I didn’t mind because I’ve already fallen in love with sweating, it’s scientifically proven to release toxins from the body and that’s how I felt, and it felt great.

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July was the three-month-progress report month. It is the month I started feeling and actually slightly seeing the changes in my body. It was also the the month I braved for the first time in my whole damn life to wear an actual swimsuit. I haven’t reached my weight goal yet but this milestone for me that time was worth celebrating.

I once read a quote about working out before in one of the fitness blender accounts on Instagram I follow that, in the first few weeks of working out you’ll feel the progress, in a fews months you’ll hear it and a few more you’ll be able to see it for yourself. And I guess they’re right, because July was also the month when I started hearing it, mostly from my officemates. They were starting to notice and they sometimes wouldn’t shut up about it. But compliments didn’t stop me from pushing myself harder, because I know I was only getting started and I still have a long way to go.

In August, I had my first ever check up with an OB, because I found a lump in one of my breasts and it was actually alarmingly big. I got scared, my overthinking got activated (not that I ever stop overthinking but I developed a special one because we have a family history). Aside from the ultrasound (that thank God told me that it was benign but needs to be monitored), I was also requested to have my ovaries checked because maybe the lump was caused by my hormonal imbalance. The results came and I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), which is the main reason why I don’t have a regular monthly cycle. I was given a pill prescription to correct my PCOS and was asked to lose more weight. I told my OB about the effort I was doing for the last four months but she said that I needed to be in my healthy BMI and that means I’m still a bit far from it but she said at least I was closer than my original weight.

The trip to the hospital, brought me a renewed cause to shed off more weight. It wasn’t just a simple looking good on a mirror or for myself anymore, it weighed heavily on my health. Because of hormonal imbalance women with PCOS are prone to gaining weight that could cause high blood pressure, sugar, and cholesterol levels. That I knew I was too young to have but could be in the immediate future if I wasn’t careful.

Being on pills made it a little harder to gradually lose weight, because increasing or normalising my estrogen levels has certain side effects, it’s either I’d lose weight or gain more. For me the side effect came in the name of plateauing. So I had no other choice but to push myself harder again and it actually made me achieve another milestone on birthday month. I was at 69kg when I started my regimen, when I weighed in again on the day of my birthday I was at 59kg and I couldn’t be happier turning 23 for that.

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2017 has been a whirlwind of every exciting and life changing events I’ve had in my early 20s so far. It has put me into perspective, helped me to always see the goal waiting for me on the other side and I don’t mean it only about the whole getting fit.

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In the last months of 2017, I started drafting my 2018 list of goals and looking back to everything I’ve done the whole year the first few things to fill the list were, be healthier, self-care, self-love, and self-improvement. I thought after all the physical work, it’s now time to take on the bigger job of being the person I really wanted to be. So here’s to you 2017, thank you for helping me finally start living my life the way I’ve always wanted it to be.

2018, we got some serious work to do and we’re so ready for it!

Here’s to you 2017… First, I would not deny the fact that I have been privileged in every aspect, especially when I was a kid.

#2018 #2018goals #betterment #changeforgood #determination #discipline #goals #happiness #healthy #healthyliving #life #lifestyle #perseverence #selfcare #selfimprovement #selflove #workingout