#lately so many things are bothering me

[itsaceokay]

When I first discovered the word "asexual", tumblr was such a comforting place for me, but over the years I grew to no longer need it.

There have been huge chunks of time when I barely thought about my asexuality, because it just wasn't coming up much in my daily life. And the times when it did I felt fairly secure in my identity. I'm not sure why I'm struggling again now. Maybe it's getting older, or maybe we can only go so long without people in our lives truly understanding who we are.

Don't get me wrong, things will always be better than they were when I was growing up, but I think I need to remember that no journey is linear and that this difficult stage can and will get better too.

#lately so many things are bothering me #and I feel like I need to talk about them with someone #then I remember nobody in my real life can really give me that support #so I guess I'll be chronically online for a while because it's really helping to see that there really are more people just like me #it's easy to forget and feel alone when you're not #asexual #aromantic #ace #aroace #aro

[declawedwildcat]

“Acquaintances are merely friends you haven't shared a drink with yet." 🍻

#my art #digital art #touchstarved #touchstarved game #leander #touchstarved leander #shows up a year late with starbucks #I did see the trailer post go around a ton back when the ks launched but it didn't seem like my thing so I never bothered to check it out #I am here now though :) demo good #good LORD I spent too many hours on this one. it was supposed to be my little side project before jumping into some big pieces #i'd been thinking about trying some heavier comic-y blackwork so this was a convenient excuse to experiment #i really like how much character it adds‚ would probably use it more in the future if it didn't take me such an unholy amount of time to do

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

Please BE EXCITED about stuff you like/ want to be excited about 💞 That's what life supposed to be about, finding joy in the smallest things, in the things we enjoy and love. And the people that judge us for having that joy in our hearts lose their own life, because they spend too much time judging someone else's life instead of doing something with their own. FUCK them

this is one of my favorite asks and i love you

#nobody will ever stop me from getting excited about things i like #i just always feel like i'm not allowed to share that excitement with anybody directly because of being made fun of in the past #or like i at least have to tone it down by like 99% and make it very brief #because of fear of rejection so i keep it to myself contained in my own space #sometimes i really wanna talk about my favorite things with somebody but i'm like #'nobody knows or cares about this. what if i send something and they hate it and tell me it's horrible' #(a reaction i've been the most used to. either that or just silence) #and i wouldn't know who would actually be interested or if i would be putting them in a situation #where they're not interested at all but they're too nice to say it and then i feel annoying if i keep talking about it #because now even if it isn't SAID that they hate it i still always feel like people are thinking that behind it all #so like if somebody came at me right now telling me everything i like is horrible #that itself wouldn't really bother me because i could just block and continue life without a second thought about that person specifically #because that's just unnecessary and rude regardless of what it's about and i would assume it's just somebody looking to stir things up #delete/block. not taking it personally and not worth thinking about #but it's the anxiety built up from it happening for so long and so consistently from so many people and some that i used to be close to #that now it feels to me that everybody feels that way even if i know LOGICALLY that it isn't true. the feeling is still there #it's one of the long-term effects that are so hard to get rid of once they're set #this is just another thing about myself to work on for probably my entire life #but russ has been helping me with so much lately it's unbelievable

[concretdandelion]

something about the headcanons where steve doesn't understanding/being behind on modern trends and social media just sort of rubs me the wrong way. like why is he the one out of all the older teens and party that doesn't get it. even if its a modern au or not it still feels like its just built upon the idea that steve is kinda dumb, and therefore of course he wouldn't understand something like tiktok.

just because steve isn't explicitly a nerd about anything doesn't mean he's an idiot, especially if these same headcanons are making him a teacher. there is no teacher, no matter how old, who wouldn't see and be told about trends from their students.

#idk man something about is feels weird #they can be good but not always #maybe I've just seen so many of these lately that its starting to bother me #like do your modern au all you want but why is steve like that???? #steddie #stranger things #steve harrington #eddie munson #this is really just me ranting after having seen another one of these

[raifuujin]

Eventually I'll write my thoughts about stuff from the now long confirmed movie spoilers and manga events. Most of it would probably be summed up with ranting about writing (more because of the manga, but also a little because of The movie Thing), and a little bit of pros and cons of it all as far as my opinion.

But at the end of it all, it'll really only change fandom as much as you allow it. Some people are personally unhappy, and that's fine. Many probably won't let it affect their fanworks, no different from any other work with various tweaks or even aus. If people do start harassing for stupid reasons, get some block buttons ready. If the new information encourages new story ideas, that's great!

I personally like juggling possibilities, I just don't like Gosho's use of ideas nowadays, so. -sighs and shrugs- Same old same old, I guess. Even if this time caused a lot bigger drama than usual because of valid concerns.

#I will remain vague until I can actually write up thoughts #But all this dropped while I'm visiting family and best I can do is catch up on stuff every so often #(And then stay up too late; but it's fiiine) -collapses- #Anyway; the main point people are loud about doesn't bother me as much as. Other stuff #I count other movie things as canon; so this will be considered canon as well for my mental catalogue #I'll not get upset about it; but I'm also not cheering #Might be because so many people have strong opinions about it; but I'm just #If you want to ignore it go ahead. If you adopt it as truth; also good #If you ask me years down the line what's canon; I'll go along with the information we have #(And if it hasn't been addressed in the manga; I'll also give that possible out if anyone needs excuses) #(Or maybe Gosho will actually start fleshing out the character dynamics and ideas we throws around for shock value one of these days) #(If he did; I'd be shocked; but that possibility will always technically exist)

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

god... family are so frustrating sometimes lol...

#personal #ok so lemme just rant #so my sister's getting married this yr in italy #and like we've known about this since last yr #plus they published a website with a lot of info about flights etc about it earlier this yr #so it's not like they've left us (as in the rest of my fam) in the dark about it #but suddenly my eldest siblings are acting like it's the most Stressful and Unexpected thing to happen #like yes it will be stressful cos travelling IS stressful #as is specifically travelling somewhere where u dont speak the language (which none of us do... i am learning tho) #and like NONE of them literally none of them have thought to ask my sister (and her italian fiancé) about anything #like yeh she's p busy atm with planning the wedding BUT she's also the one with the most experience of travelling to and from italy #as is her ITALIAN FINACE lol??? like... #like neither of them are gonna want their family super stressed about travelling and airports and hotels etc #like just fucking ASK them!!!!! #i think it bothers me cos they seem to be making it out that my sis picked this to make it difficult for them??? #or smth like 'ugh wHY couldnt she just get married in the uk??' #when they picked italy a) because her fiance's grandma is in her 90s and so wouldnt b able to travel #b) they had decided on italy before his sister tragically died last yr (she had cancer) #c) because it's their wedding and they wanted to ?????? #idk idk #i'm just pissed cos like... we make SO many fucking allowances for them (the eldest 2) #but as soon as one of us younger siblings want something suddenly it's like we've asked them to move the moon or smth... #like ive talked abut this before but my 2nd eldest sister is literally ALWAYS late to family events #and like yeh we treat it like a joke but it is fucking annoying #cos she's never late to her work or if she has a flight or whatever #and it just feels like she doesnt respect or put value into her family as much as those things #and this whole thing has just kinda proved that even more... #and i reiterate: this is my SISTER'S wedding it is fundamentally not about any of us lol #ugh idk

[mattodore]

going to post those matthias poses i made that were just labeled "AAAAAAAAAA DOG" in a sec and they're a little horny so watch out

#certified nene reaction pic. everyone laugh NEOW🫵 #river dipping #purposely waited until it was late and not many ppl were online to post these (<- lying. actually i was just reading and watching videos) #nobody is naked but the actual pose itself is........ #well it's a matthias centered pose so :) #what do we know about matthias? hedonistic degenerate whose main sins are lust pride and wrath in that order #what else do we know about matthias? he's like a dog to a bone whenever theo is around #i didn't really plan to use these poses for an actual post so i didn't rlly bother doing any crazy editing on the pics #but i did fix the clipping... took me forever to get around to it even tho i said i'd do it earlier after i posted that last edit but 🤷 #i think the last two things on my to-do list now are finally writing out my response to that anon asking abt mattodore's nightly routines #and then doing the ship template thing nene sent me for mattodore......... i'll do the template first #also i really am serious about finally making a navigation post using the mattodore edit i posted yesterday so i wanna put that together #but tell me why i'm suddenly clueless as to what people even put in them.......... like what do i even link to............. #well. i'll figure it out later

[6-2-aestheticsofhate]

I have like. Weekly mental breakdowns about wanting to go off the grid social media wise because I get easily scared and nervous and I have a lot of weird/oddly specific ptsd and ocd triggers that the internet is kind of exacerbating. But also if I don't look at my special little blorbos every once in a while or I don't see my mutuals often enough I get sad.

#sometimes it just hits me that being. anywhere. online or irl. is agonizing to me. #i mean i HAVE been through some absolute goddamn shit lately so i should be nicer to myself but. #its hard when you feel like an exposed bundle of nerves that are sensitive to the slightly touch #personal #vent #at least im not homeless anymore but jesus christ. #im. still recovering from that and so many other things and its Hard. #and its tanked my capacity to deal with stuff that bothers me #i kind of want to just curl up in a ball and hide rn

[j-ellyfish]

You are the QUEEN of Spaus 💜

Waaahhhh thank you!! Q///w///Q

#ask #I'm blushing and smiling like an idiot right now you have no idea how happy this makes me feel #I've been liking Spaus for SO long but back then I felt very insecure about my art and stuff and I didn't even have anyone to talk about #it with ... And so I drew them kind of rarely because I was so scared of not giving them justice and the lack of content also made me feel #down ... I know I shouldn't have thought that way and I'm SO HAPPY I got out of that mentality but #back then I felt like 'why should I bother my art sucks and no one cares about this ship anyway so I'll just keep it for myself in my mind' #but little by little I got out of that mentality #felt a bit less insecure about myself as an artist and had more experiences all around #and so when I came back and got into Hetalia again in late 2019-early 2020 #I felt very compelled to make up for it #I came back thinking 'I don't care if people ship it or not I HAVE to give it my love and let it known because it makes me feel good' #and so I started by translating the first part of what would become 'Einmal Noch' which I had started writing many years ago #originally in Italian ... Then I FINALLY finished writing it and it made me feel so accomplished because that story wouldn't leave my mind #and it stayed with me in the back of my mind even during the years I spent away from Hetalia #and then I took the courage to start drawing Austria again even if back then I was never fully satisfied with it #and little by little I think I got happier with myself through it and wanted so badly to do things the way I wanted no matter what #and I started sharing about SpAus and stuff and it makes me SO happy that there are other people who like it too T___T ♥ #sorry I'm getting a bit emotional haha 'xD

[rexcaliburechoes]

I block everything I dom't want to see with extreme prejudice but man my filter is super long at this point in the recent days and idk how to feel abt it

#rex rambles #I've gotten so many recced posts for shit I don't care abt so I block it if it bothers me too much #I think tumblr's reccing system has been tinkered with lately which isn't necessarily a bad thing #though it keeps reccing me stuff i'd've otherwise been neutral to and now it drives me nuts #also trying to go to bed on time resulted in me still being awake at 4am bc of fucking course #I hate it here :/ I just want a normal sleep. schedule so I don't get wrecked when college starts

[ganseyandjane]

i've been turning a blind eye to it even though i've been aware of it happening for years but it has almost become way worse yet i don't feel like i've done enough to stop it

#long story short my mom almost joined an em el em #because she lost one of her jobs and we need money and she's tired of trying to apply for another and work #she wants to 'work from home' and because she has friends who SEEM to be making a lot of money from it #she's convinced that it's a good move and she could achieve the same #and its just so frustrating because i'm eating food cooked from overpriced pots those friends sold to us years ago #and i still have empty bottles of essential oils that i'm pretty sure were also sold to us by those same friends #and i've known for years that my parents' friends were shilling these things but i didn't know much about the subject #so i didn't want to 'enlighten' my parents on it (especially my mom who's the one actually buying these things) #i couldn't be bothered and its not like they were actually joining any of them #her telling me about this new business they want to start was what did it for me #i'm glad i kept prying before it was too late because there was too many red flags #however she still seems so unconvinced about why its a bad idea... i'm saving our family's finances but she doesn't seem to believe me #even though i do think she won't go through with it #and i'm just worried #those friends are the reason we were able to migrate here #one of them is my brother's godmother #the other one knew both my parents for years before i was even born #i don't want to say bad things about them but i hate that they're influencing my mom this way #idk if they're directly telling her these things or if she's just looking from the outside #i hope she's not too stubborn to just. believe that i have her best intentions. me. her first born child. #ugh idk maybe i should just talk to my dad since apparently he was still skeptical too #im so saaaaaaaad #idk how to help my family aside from taking extra shifts to cover bills ;___;

[padfootastic]

Wolfstar stans always say that Remus was OOC IN Canon!!! I mean wtf?? delusional lol. Fanon Remus is a mary sue who suffers and pines after cruel hottie Sirius and then Sirius comes to his senses and runs after his moony, begging for scraps of his attention and ofc James is completely ignored by sirius or they fight over poor hurting remus lmao their Fanon is what is so OOC. I think they self insert into Remus so they can catch the popular Hot bad boy who they can "cure of his bad ways"

hello anon 💜 i see we have awoken to choose violence today (nice) so i’m putting this under a cut so remus fans can skip this one.

yeah i’ve seen that too and i always have to scroll past while making faces because,,,im not here to start shit lol but oh god it’s such an annoying position. like ok, i’ve called canonical behaviours ooc too (cough harry in CC cough) and it’s entirely possible i was wrong, but the remus thing is just. wilfully ignoring everything we know about him? (again: caveat here is if you don’t care about canon, then go for it w/o trying to do critical canon analyses. no harm, no foul)

but here’s the thing, right? remus as we know him in canon is a serial manipulator, liar, gaslighter, and coward. like, this has been shown multiple times. i’m not making it up. in my mind, his actions in dh were absolutely not ooc. they just followed the pattern that had already been established so far. and i feel like so much of his characterisation comes from not wanting to engage with that kind of darkness (because even acknowledging it means your dynamic is changed). i’ve read a few excellent fandom analysis posts on here, actually, about how characterisation of wolfstar has changed over the years (decades?) as the average readership/writer ship has gone from middle aged to younger. apparently, it used to be much more dysfunctional and grittier earlier, dealing with the darkness on both sides. it was interesting. but anyway, yeah, i see it happen with regulus/jegulus too sometimes (even if i can’t comment on it since i’ve barely interacted with that content) where you deliberately turn a blind eye to things because if remus is a coward or bad at relationships, then u can’t actually write that fluffy AU u want. which…isn’t fun. because fanfic is about writing all the fluffy AUs in the world ykno?

but what that’s ended up doing is completely transforming his character into someone barely recognisable to those who aren’t in that particular niche (although,,,it’s not exactly niche is it?) and just. idk. i’m rambling now lol but it just really frustrates me because i cannot escape it. and it always treats sirius so badly. remus is just the most sympathetically written character, even when he’s being an absolute asshole, and sirius can’t breathe without being whacked over the head with it. i hate how much he’s scapegoated, honestly. like, i think i’d be fine with the mary sue-fication of remus if sirius wasn’t so defanged in the process but alas, it isn’t to be.

also that’s such an interesting point because i’ve often thought the same about remus being a self insert tbh. i was talking to someone and they said something along the lines of ‘james & sirius as the hot, rich, privileged characters aren’t relatable as much as remus, who’s poor & tortured & misunderstood, so u have people flocking to the latter’ and that combined with the ‘i can fix him’ energy just,,,really shines through sometimes lol. not so much on tumblr (where i barely interact) but i’ve seen it so much in the mwpp fandom on twitter, and a bit on tiktok. it’s very projection-heavy imo (which like, not a judgement. i’m clearly a projection heavy writer too)

#remus lupin critical #we’ve been getting a lot of anti remus/wolfstar asks lately #which. not complaining. i’m just wondering what triggers it #bc sometimes i go weeks without anything like it and sometimes i wake up to so many of these in my inbox #also the ignoring certain aspect thing: again not necessarily a judgement bc i do the same with james and sirius imo #like i definitely sanitise them i think #i guess it’s just that line between hc and canon that bothers me #and not even bc i think canon is particularly untouchable but because i wanna avoid certain readings and this is the most effective way #like i’ll often seek out ooc snape for example bc him in canon annoys me #or i’ll skip past certain fics if they mention someone i like is ooc in certain ways #it’s just a useful descriptive category that’s been completely annihilated in r/s spaces #idk. does that make sense? #and i’m not saying that the grittier dysfunctional r/s is inherently better mind #i don’t think i’d have read that just bc i’m personally not into those dynamics #it was just an interesting look into how things have changed and why #yeah there’s no neatly wrapped answer here. we’re all just bitching in one corner of the room lmao #pen’s asks

[sludgeguzzler]

someones really out here lighting fireworks at 2:37am. girl what are you doing

#when im at my moms place i feel like i live in the best most peaceful place ever (despite the lousy neighbours) #but when im at my dads i feel like ive been dropped directly into a storm or something #theres always people walking about during the day and at night theres a lot of people going out to the bars near our building #so a lot of random stuff ends up happening really late at night #its fun in a way but also kind of bothersome?? like the one employee at one of the bars who has built in speakers in his car #and the speakers are like top grade speakers too so when he blasts them at 3am for no reason its EXTRA annoying #at my moms we had the one guy who would spend the whole morning every sunday fixing up his car #and hed put classic metal music loud enough that you could hear from your apartment but bc it wasnt the same top grade speakers the guy #at my dads block has you could only vaguely hear the music echoing so it was actually really nice #to me at least. im sure someone was bothered by it in some way #i really like both neighborhoods though. even though my moms landlord sucks i really like living there #i have. many stories from my dads neighborhood too. funny stories. weird stories. #like the cup filled with mmisterious yellow liquid (i called it schrodingers cup bc you couldnt tell if it was piss or beer unless you #went over to it and sniffed it/tasted it and ofc noones gonna do that) #theres the time i saw some random thing in the grass football field we have near here and went over to it very excitedly #and i was with my partner so i talked to him like ''LOOK DAN A RANDOM EMPTY CHOCOLATES BOX WHATS IT DOING HERE!!!!!'' #and he answered me with ''you know this is probably a marker for some kind of drug dealing'' and i was. very shocked. #hmmm the time i went out with my friends to the suppermarket to buy ingredients for lunch #and we ended up lazying around under some random block and these cats came over to us #and we played with them it was very nice #the time i went out to get coffee with my partner and we sat down in the benches and i picked out a cool bottle cap from the floor...... #im getting really sad reminiscing now. i miss my friends so much. i miss my partner so much..... #((it hasnt been that long since we met we literally went out on saturday but i still MISS THEM bc i love them all so much.........)) #we should go out again this week... maybe i could even go on and outing just me and my partner #we could grab coffee together again..... maybe ill even get coffee instead of panicking and just getting a brownie like the last time... #i dunno. anyways. living the teenage dream. etcetera. sorry this blogs supposed to be exclusively loserposting about my hyperfixations but #i like talking about my life and shit. ill get back to churning out posts about my silly anime men in a little bit i promise. #talk

[running-in-the-dark]

I'm starting to really feel like I might have to like. stop being online. in any form. but especially on social media.

I already don't read the news anymore because it made me too anxious. but social media is basically like the news except worse. at least with the news you know that you're mostly gonna get bad things. on tumblr/reddit/wherever it's a pleasant stream of fun/interesting/entertaining posts and then bam here's some really bad shit that's going to ruin the world as we know it and we're all fucked and there's nothing you can do about it! and right below it is the next cute cat picture or a cool drawing or a silly text post and you just keep scrolling

#I've been thinking about this for a while because there have been so many times lately where this has happened and I could just feel that #awful feeling of despair and hopelessness immediately after seeing something like that #it bothers me for ages #it ruins my day sometimes #how does me knowing all the bad things that are happening all over the world all the time help anything #it's not that I don't care or that I think this feeling is even remotely comparable to what people who are going through those awful things #experience #but we're not meant to know all this awful shit #we're just not. and with the way my brain works I just can't keep doing this if I want to keep going #it sounds so melodramatic but every single post/video like that just makes me want to die #so. I don't know. what's the point in saying this #tons of people have said this better than me but this is just me venting so that doesn't matter. #I don't want to keep doing this. I don't want to pick up my phone and mindlessly scroll for hours and I especially don't want to get hit by #those unexpected awful news again and again every day until it's too much #ugh im feeling so fucking bad tonight #what's even the point #I know it's all bad and it keeps getting worse and we're still not changing anything and people are suffering and it's relentless and #I want to think about this stuff but not like this #it just hurts and nothing else #I just want to sleep

[urbanfiltered]

AAAAAA

#i HAVE developed the inability to live with people and idk when it happened #i used to be so different ! my cousin used to stay over for like a week straight and i would enjoy every day!! #and now it’s like #if i have to spend 4+ days in a row with ANYONE outside of my immediate family i start crying in the shower #i need to!!! #get a grip #god i think i just get overstimulated #and i think ‘doing nothing by myself’ time has gotten more and more important for my brain #like tbh i used to dread being alone but now i can kind of make myself enjoy my own company #i don’t mind the routine 5 hour drives i have to make to and from my parents anymore #like they used to bother me but now it’s just some nice chill time to vibe with myself #which is cool!!!! #i’m glad i like me #it is still really hard to self initiate things though #like when i’m alone for too many days in a row i can SO EASILY fall into inaction #it’s 1 day i sleep too late and then the next 3 days i can’t self regulate or self motivate myself to start a task #i AM still working on that one #though i will say it’s gotten better #i know this is a stupid thing to brag about but i started watching abbott elementary (on my own) and now i am actually #almost done with season 1 #i have NEVER been able to start or finish a show on my own #i lack the executive function to make myself start things #even things i like and want to do #but!!!!! #i am beginning to do things on my own #ANYWAYS this got lost on me but back to the main point jesus fucking christ i need some time to myself

[hellfireeddiemunson]

fujsnfajfjdhdjsbfnsd

#i’m Exhausted after yesterdays shift and i just got to work and i already want to go home pls #also i have been so anxious lately bc some ppl have (to me) pulled back from me lately and idk what i did. or if i did. anything ?? #but i don’t want to like. ask bc first of all i Hate confrontation. and second of all maybe they’re like. just going thru something and are #keeping to themselves a bit??? and like i’m jus being insecure for no reason????? idk i’m just scared of making my friends not like me bc i #always feel So Annoying like i don’t shut the fuck uo ever and i also send ppl too many things at once and also i say stupid things and i #don’t take hints and i’m just fucking autistic and that’s always made ppl not stay friends with me or get mad at me bc i do shit not #knowing that it’s Bad or something that bothers them or whatever but ppl don’t TELL ME and they just say nothing and silently be mad at me?? #who can relate ! (remeber that song? lol) #anyways i’ll shut up now i’m just probably being super insecure for no reason and they’ll talk/reply to me when they want to ! #or if they want to i guess??? ok anyways i have to start my shift bye guys see u randomly when i get on throughout the day 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻